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Anything can turn into a competition between your kids.

Who has the tallest french fry.

Who has the most homework.

Who brushed their teeth more efficiently.

Seriously.

Nothing is off limits for those two.

And, no matter how hard you try to tell them "it doesn't matter who has the longest pinky toenail" they aren't interested in getting second place.

Here are some tips for easing the tension in your home.

How to Parent Competitive Siblings.

Make Time for Connection: Every child wants to be known as a unique individual. They want to have a special connection to each of their caregivers, without having to fight their siblings for this opportunity. Begin by spending at least 10 minutes one-on-one with each child daily. Use this time to strengthen or repair the relationship. Remind your child that this time happens regardless of their behavior, accomplishments, or achievements.

Refuse to Compare: It's easy to "accidentally" set your kids against each other. Watch for phrases like, "Your sister never had a problem with..." or "Your brother is able to..." Even "see who can get ready the fastest" games can lead to unintended consequences - one kid feels a sense of worth comes from doing things "fast" while the other kid feels like he needs to somehow find a way to "win" in order to get the attention or approval of his parents.

Encourage Individuality: Instead of sending the message, "You are all loved equally," emphasize the things you love about each unique child. Point out each child's strengths, the things they add to the family dynamics, their likes and dislikes, the characteristics that make them who they are. You don't have to go overboard with these comments, a simple, "I'm so thankful that you have a heart for animals. Without you, Spot may never get any exercise!"

Talk about Fairness: Remind your children that "fair" does not mean "equal," it means "everyone gets what they need." So, instead of mandating that homework be done alone, you may decide that one child needs help from a parent. Or, instead of forcing everyone to play a sport, you may decide that one child would prefer music lessons. If you get pushback about a decision that doesn't seem "fair" emphasize the needs rather than the lack of equality.

Dig into Feelings: There are lot of reasons children compete with their siblings - they feel left out, unsure how to get attention, or perceive themselves as "less than" a sibling. Some kids need a safe place to talk about these big feelings without feeling judged or compared to a sibling. Respond with empathy, rather than downplaying their experience. If your child struggles to talk through big feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional.

Setting Boundaries: A little friendly competition is a normal part of childhood. But, if one sibling is struggling, it's gone too far. Help your children learn the difference between having fun and being mean. Talk about good sportsmanship, how to be a good loser - and a good winner! At first, you may need to stay aware of each sibling's experience and step in as necessary.

Creating an atmosphere where siblings can support each other, rather than compete, may take some time.

Be patient as you shift the relationships and focus on each child as an individual.

In the meantime, let go of the lectures.

Telling them not to compete, won't make it stop.

Instead, check your triggers. Take a deep breath.

And decide if you want to participate in the "who can chew their gum the longest" contest.

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How to reduce competition between siblings

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Anything can turn into a competition between your kids. Who has the tallest french fry. Who has the most homework. Who brushed their teeth more efficiently. Seriously. Nothing is off limits for those two. And, no matter how hard you try to tell them "it doesn't matter who has the longest pinky toenail" they aren't interested in getting second place.

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Older sisters and younger brothers: The impact of siblings on preference
for competition

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Older sisters and younger brothers: The impact of siblings on preference
for competition

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Dr.Sylvia Rimm talks about many cases where competitiveness of a child origin differs in depending on its relationship with its siblings

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Parents often wonder why their children are so different from each other even though they are raised in the very same family. In addition to genetic differences, competition among siblings does affect the development of other children in the family, and may be the most important reason why children raised in the same way are so different.

Sometimes, second or third children feel inadequate by comparison to a first sibling and thus search for different areas of expertise. Parents often reinforce those differences because they want to encourage self-esteem in each child and also fear that the second or third child may not be as skilled as the first child. That process often results in parents labeling their children. For example, if the first child is considered the "scholar," the second child may be referred to as the "creative" child, the "social" child, or the "athlete." Those labels may increase the competitiveness within the family because each child believes he/she should be best in the family at something. Labeling also causes children to assume they are not good at whatever another sibling is best at. So the scholars may assume they can't be creative, and the creative children may give up on academics because they believe they can't achieve as good grades as their sibling.

Children in the same family are surely different from each other but also have much in common. If the children study and do homework, it is likely they will all be reasonably good students. Indeed, families should encourage their children to know they can have a whole smart family. Children can also be physically fit, although they may surely choose different sports or activities to exercise their fitness.

Even social skills can be learned, and although some children may enjoy friends more than others, labeling your children as the social ones has the impact of directing them to be the best partiers, and you will surely regret that label by their teenage years.

When children are labeled best in a domain, they often do their best to prevent another sibling from encroaching on their domain. They feel ownership and are threatened by a sister or brother who is as good in math or better in sports. Sometimes they even beg their parent not to let their siblings participate in their activities. It would be better to talk to your child about the jealousy they feel than to prevent another sibling from joining a particular activity. Sometimes you may find your children have little confidence in their abilities; thus, you may decide to protect that child's domain. That would be particularly so if you have one child in the family who seems best at everything else.

How Sibling Competition Causes Underachievement

There are specific sibling combinations that predispose children toward underachievement. These particular combinations are inherently more competitive than usual, and one or more of the siblings are disadvantaged by this competition. Many families learn to minimize minor sibling rivalry or at least assist siblings in dealing with their competitiveness. However, with these special combinations, the parenting job is extremely challenging.

The combinations that seem unusually difficult include: very close-aged, same-gender siblings, siblings of an extremely gifted child, and a family of children with one who is considerably younger.

TWO CLOSE-AGED, SAME-GENDER CHILDREN

Where two close-aged, same-gender siblings are treated similarly, both children are likely to feel more competitive pressure. Because they are expected to act the same, the age difference typically puts stress on the younger one to keep up with the older one, causing the younger one to feel inadequate. The older one may also feel some frustration because he doesn't receive special privileges that go with age. Because the older sibling usually outperforms the younger, he will appear confident. Both siblings are also likely to compete for a close relationship with the same-gender or most powerful parent. Recognizing individuality by acknowledging privileges of age and differences in interests and abilities relieves some of the competitive pressures. However, parents can expect to be frustrated as they try to deal with two competitive brothers or two hostile sisters who should be such good company for each other.

FOLLOWING A VERY TALENTED
OLDEST CHILD

When the first child exhibits unusual talent, she is likely to be the recipient of special parent and school attention, unusual educational opportunities, and a multitude of honors and awards. This child thus becomes the pace-setter for the siblings who follow. High standards are set, and younger siblings believe that in order to earn equal recognition they must achieve a similar level of success.

Even if your children are very capable, they are likely to view such accomplishment as quite impossible and may feel great pressure. Because they want to establish an individual and respectable place in the family, and because they view themselves as unlikely to compete successfully, they may select a different and sometimes opposite direction for achievement and attention. If the family can encourage their activities and help them to understand their competitive feelings, the child may develop both competence and confidence.

If the oldest sibling's accomplishments are significant, it's often difficult to convince younger children of their own talent. In such cases they may resort to underachievement for attention seeking. Their failures and behavior problems may thus become their route to family recognition. They manipulate family members to attend to their problems, thus setting an underachieving cycle in motion.

THE "BABY" OF THE FAMILY

The sibling combination in which the youngest is labeled the "baby of the family" may also initiate underachievement. The youngest child is by no means always an underachiever. As a matter of fact, research on eminence finds youngest children to be second only to oldest children as achievers. However, if youngest children are either over-indulged or overempowered by older siblings, particularly when they are much younger than the others, they may likely be underachievers.

Older children may treat their youngest siblings almost as toy dolls and do so much for them that the younger ones are prevented from developing their own ideas and activities. In this case they become dependent on the positive feedback from older siblings and may become fearful of assuming responsibilities or initiating creative activities. The youngest child may see little likelihood of becoming as competent and successful as older siblings, and besides, it's much easier to get help from the collection of "big" people around them.

WHAT PARENTS CAN DO TO
CREATE A WHOLE SMART FAMILY

Avoid labeling. Although it's obvious that all children in the family are not genetically alike and that some children may have differences in intellectual, artistic, musical, or physical abilities, it's also obvious that family competition seems to encourage each child in the family to seek special attention. When parents label their children, it limits their confidence in almost all other areas.

Prioritize education as first. It's important for parents to consider all their children intelligent even if one seems a bit more intelligent than the others. When parents expect all their children to be smart and value challenge, the children are actually less competitive with each other.

Consider both parents intelligent. When parents consider each other to be intelligent, their children have high regard for both. Regardless of which parent children identify with, they automatically consider themselves smart.

HOW TO BE A WHOLE SMART FAMILY

Cheer for your siblings and they'll cheer for you.

You may be second best in your family but might be best if you were in other families.

Even if you're best in your family, you might be second best compared to another family.

Doing the best you can do is more important than being best in the family.

Learn to enjoy your experiences and improvement without continually comparing yourself to your siblings.

Effort and attitude count.

©2002 by Sylvia B. Rimm. All rights reserved. This publication, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without written permission of the author.

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gifted children speaker author dr sylvia rimm underachievement family counselor psychologist help gifted parenting 
underachievement iq testing creativity teaching learning single parent step parent college readiness overweight children sibling competition rivalry
gifted children

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The Effects of Sibling Competition Dr. Sylvia Rimm

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Parents often wonder why their children are so different from each other even though they are raised in the very same family. In addition to genetic differences, competition among siblings does affect the development of other children in the family, and may be the most important reason why children raised in the same way are so different.

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Rivalry is a source of competition between siblings-

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Rivalry is a source of competition between siblings-

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This article list a number of factors that can cause rivalry between child and adult siblings

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Sibling Rivalry - what causes rivalry between siblings

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Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among siblings. The sibling bond is often complicated and influenced by many factors which can ...

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The evolution of begging: signaling and sibling competition

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The evolution of begging: signaling and sibling competition

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The competitive attitude scale (CAS): a multidimensional measure of competitiveness in adolescence

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The competitive attitude scale (CAS): a multidimensional measure of competitiveness in adolescence