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This blog for me was super tricky when I first started. I didn't want to open up and fully share my story, and I didn't want to put in the effort into a topic that is so emotionally exhausting for me to talk about. When I first started this blog I didn't realize the numbers and how high they were for how common abuse in relationships really is. It shocked me to see how many other people are struggling with something I once went through. Since I started this blog, I have grown enough to step out of my comfort zone, and I have been looking into volunteering with victims of abuse. I think that it's a topic that needs a lot more awareness and attention. I have learned so much about signs of abuse and how frequent I detect them. I now know how to help others and how to get help for them. This is always something I really wanted to do, so I'm really glad I was able to step out of my comfort zone and create this blog. I plan on continuing this blog and adding more of my story as I feel comfortable.

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Being in a non-physical abusive relationship may seem super different than a physically abusive relationship, but it all falls under the same category, abuse. A lot of women think that abuse is only physical, but that's where they're wrong. There are six different types of abuse that are just as powerful as physical, Emotional/Verbal, Sexual, Financial, Digital, and Stalking.  Most women tend to misread non-physical abuse as tough love, or just another typical fight. A lot of people also look at non-physical abuse as something not as serious as physical abuse.
I personally know how frustrating this can be. When telling people that you've been emotionally abused people don't take it as seriously as physical abuse. I know that can be super upsetting because abuse is abuse, no matter what kind. I know it may be hard to not compare, but when looking at abuse, long term affects are present in all types. I think it's really hard to come to terms with the fact that abuse is present in your relationship. I didn't realize until after it was all over, and when I did it hit hard.
Why do you think people tend to compare physical vs non-physical abuse?
Why do people tend to think physical is worse?
Stein, Leigh. “He Didn't Hit Me. It Was Still Abuse.” The Washington Post, WP Company, 15 July 2016, www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/15/he-didnt-hit-me-it-was-still-abuse/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.7d6203a6771a.

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July 15, 2016
I had been dating my boyfriend, Jason, for only a couple of months when he suggested we move across the country to Albuquerque, where we knew no one, so I could write a novel while he worked to support us. "That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me," I told him. I was 22, and he was 19.

Jason loved me. His charisma was like a bright, shining light, and I felt lucky to feel its warmth. With thousands of dollars I had been saving to go back to college, we rented a truck and paid the security deposit on an apartment.

I ignored the fact that he'd been fired from every job he'd had in Illinois and told myself things would be different in Albuquerque. He had promised to teach me how to drive his stick-shift car when we got there, and when he didn't, I persuaded myself not to worry about it. As my savings ran out and he lost his first job, I started waiting tables at a diner within walking distance of our apartment. When he made me shower twice a day, so I wouldn't smell like French fries after work, and so that I could shave my entire body, or else he wouldn't touch me, I did what he said. When he told me I was the smartest girl he'd ever met, but I wasn't sexy and it was time to open up our relationship so he could sleep with other women, I tried to see things from his point of view.

If I reacted with any emotion, it made things worse. "It isn't sexy when you cry," he liked to point out.

At the diner, one of the other waitresses used to come in with bruises on her upper arm in the shape of a grip. She couldn't leave her boyfriend, she told us, or he would kill her. When I looked at this young woman, I saw someone who lived on another planet - she was in an abusive relationship, and I was not. If I'd looked closer, I would have recognized that the only difference between us was that the evidence of her abuse was visible, while mine was hidden. And I didn't know what to name what I couldn't see.

At 22, I misread the signs of abuse in my relationship with Jason as evidence that this was my one true love. I felt like I was in a movie - how quickly we moved in together and isolated ourselves from friends and family, because all we needed was each other - but really I was in a playbook of common abuser tactics that are easily mistaken by victims for romance, and often misunderstood by others, who equate abuse with hitting. Although psychological abuse may never escalate to physical violence in a relationship, there is rarely a physically violent relationship that does not begin with psychological abuse, and its effects can linger longer than a broken limb.

The only problem with our relationship, he said, was that I needed to go back on antidepressants so I would stop acting so "crazy." I remember visiting a clinic in Albuquerque to get Zoloft and Ativan and looking at a poster in the restroom about domestic violence. The woman on the poster looked nothing like me, and she was holding a baby. I had no baby. In the exam room, when I lightly referenced some relationship problems, the male general practitioner told me that my boyfriend was just a young guy and I should "give him a break."

Today when I tell someone my story, whether a stranger or a friend who didn't know me in my early 20s, I always get the same question: "Was he physical?" I wonder if they are imagining what my face would look like black and blue. I know they are asking for proof that my relationship was, by popular definition, abusive, and then they want to know why I stayed. The truth is that the few times he was physical with me were tiny blips on a long timeline of subtle manipulation, public humiliation, controlling behavior and gaslighting.

The World Health Organization recognizes four types of intimate-partner violence: physical, sexual, emotional or psychological, and controlling behavior. These often coexist, and verbal aggression early in a relationship frequently precedes violence. Some studies have shown that abuse in the form of degradation, fear and humiliation is more psychologically debilitating in the long term than physical violence; psychological abuse can in fact sustain the relationship, as the victim becomes consumed with self-doubt, depression and low self-esteem. Lenore E. Walker, a psychologist who first identified the "cycle of abuse," has compared the psychological effects to the torture of prisoners of war: isolation, followed by manipulation of perception, humiliation, the administration of drugs and alcohol, and occasional, random indulgences that "keep hope alive that the torture will cease."
[When it came time to defend myself, it was easier to fight than to speak up]
Robert Eckstein, a senior lecturer in psychology and justice studies at the University of New Hampshire, says it's well understood by those working in the field that emotional abuse can be just as traumatic as physical abuse. But the public may not be aware of this, perhaps in part because of how relationship abuse is portrayed in the media. "Unfortunately, for something to cross the threshold of being newsworthy," Eckstein says, "it has to be sensational." Chris Brown's battering of Rihanna in 2009 made headlines because his victim was equally famous - and because there were photos.

The wounds of emotional abuse are more difficult to capture. A 2008 study of articles about domestic violence in five major newspapers found not a single story during a three-month period mentioned emotional or psychological abuse. The exclusion of non-physical forms of abuse is a disservice to victims who don't see their experiences represented, argues the study's author, Christy-Dale Sims.

Research has shown that intimate-partner violence can increase depressive symptoms in victims. Those people who have experienced depression are also more likely to become victims of intimate-partner violence.

I've struggled with depression and anxiety since the age of 13, but I was off antidepressants when I met Jason, at an audition for a community college production of "Medea." (The tragic stakes in our relationship were always high.) In the medicine cabinet at his apartment on our second date, I found pills used to treat bipolar disorder and thought this meant it would be safe to open up to him about my history. But over time, my mental health became a weapon in his arsenal. If I cried because he wanted to sleep with other women, it was because I needed to be medicated. If I had anxiety over him losing yet another job, he told me to pop a benzo. When I tried to curb my drinking, he told me he missed how "fun" I used to be.

I would like to tell you I left Jason in Albuquerque and closed that chapter of my life, but I would be lying. There was one night when I did leave: I took a cab to the airport while he was at a party and flew home to my parents' house in Chicago. For a few hours, I felt like a dark hood had been lifted from my head, and I could see clearly that I deserved better. But I still wasn't ready to leave for good. One day later, I was right back where I started, after he threatened to take all my books out to the parking lot and burn them. And he promised to change.

We only dated for a year, but for the next three years, there were many late-night phone calls about what could or should have been, and we slept together whenever we were in the same city. What kind of woman did that make me, if I would hook up with my abusive ex-boyfriend? My denial stemmed from fear: if I admitted that our relationship was abusive that would mean I couldn't see him anymore, and if I couldn't see him anymore, I would lose the electric charge I felt when we were together. When I was 26, he stayed in my apartment for a week, and we got drunk and high and fought in the rain and he went home with the bartender. I saw that the only one of us who was ever going to change was me. For the first time, I felt strong enough to stop answering his phone calls. Six weeks later, my phone rang from an unknown number. It was his brother. Jason had died in a motorcycle accident.

Only in the aftermath of his death have I been forced to face the reality of what our relationship was.
[Why victims stay in violent relationships]
My story isn't a harrowing example of domestic violence. I wasn't kidnapped or held in sexual slavery; I didn't escape a murder attempt. But my story matters because it is just one example of what is happening to people all over the country, especially young people. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has found that first occurrences of rape, intimate-partner violence or stalking mostly occur before age 25. And women aren't the only targets of abuse; they are most likely to be the victims of physical violence in heterosexual relationships, but the CDC found that men experience "psychological aggression" from an intimate partner at a rate (48.8 percent) slightly higher than women (48.4 percent) do.

Today I'm 31. I've been with my current boyfriend for five years. One night when we had first started dating, I accidentally broke a few of his dishes. I froze in the kitchen, preparing to be yelled at. But he just got a dustpan to clean the mess up, like it was no big deal, and I went into another room and cried. At 22, I thought what was happening to me was nothing compared with the other waitress's life, but all I had to compare was her hurt against mine. I didn't know yet what was on the other side.

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I didn't have a name for the manipulation, humiliation and controlling behavior I experienced in my relationship.

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The reason I realized my past relationship wasn't "normal"

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The reason I realized my past relationship wasn't "normal"

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After watching this movie when I was 17, I realized my past relationship was anything but normal. This movie helped me realize how much I connected and could relate with this girl. It also helped me realize how much I needed to heal and reconnect with myself.
Check out the trailer below.

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The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect

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The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect

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Abuse in relationships is not just a romantic thing, it is also a very common thing found at home. Abuse with children is not only mentally and physically scaring, but it can cause long-term health consequences. All forms of abuse can cause mental disorders, drug use, suicide attempts, sexually transmitted infections, and risky sexual behavior. Child abuse is a problem that affects children globally. The abuse no matter how frequent will stay with the child until adult life, and may affect the adults life in more serious ways.
I personally know someone who was sexually abused as a child by a family member and to this day, she will never forget what happened to her. No matter how you, you will always remember the trauma you went through as a child. I was 14 years old when I was sexually and emotionally abused, and at the time I didn't even know what was happening. It wasn't until I turned 17 and watched a movie about sexual abuse. After watching the movie Trust I realized everything  I had gone through was more than just average relationship problems.
Fourteen doesn't sound like a child, but a fourteen year old shouldn't be having sexual relationships with anyone, consensual or not. I now see how it has and will forever affect me. Like the article above says, it has and will continue to have a mental affect on me. I have become very closed off, and since then have not gone on many dates with men. I can see how this research really does affect people, including me.
Child abuse is way to common, what would you do to help?
Would you ever consider volunteering to help abused children?
Norman, Rosana E., et al. “The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis.” PLOS Medicine, Public Library of Science, 27 Nov. 2012, journals.plos.org/plosmedicine/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pmed.1001349.

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Rosana E. Norman,

Munkhtsetseg Byambaa,

Rumna De,

Alexander Butchart,

James Scott,

Theo Vos

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Abstract

Conclusions

This overview of the evidence suggests a causal relationship between non-sexual child maltreatment and a range of mental disorders, drug use, suicide attempts, sexually transmitted infections, and risky sexual behaviour. All forms of child maltreatment should be considered important risks to health with a sizeable impact on major contributors to the burden of disease in all parts of the world. The awareness of the serious long-term consequences of child maltreatment should encourage better identification of those at risk and the development of effective interventions to protect children from violence.

Please see later in the article for the Editors' Summary

Citation: Norman RE, Byambaa M, De R, Butchart A, Scott J, Vos T (2012) The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. PLoS Med 9(11): e1001349. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1001349

Academic Editor: Mark Tomlinson, Stellenbosch University, South Africa

Received: March 20, 2012; Accepted: October 17, 2012; Published: November 27, 2012

Copyright: © 2012 Norman et al. This is an open-access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License, which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original author and source are credited.

Funding: This work was supported by a University of Queensland Start-up-Grant. The funders had no role in study design, data collection and analysis, decision to publish, or preparation of the manuscript. Alexander Butchart is a staff member of the World Health Organization. The author alone is responsible for the views expressed in this publication and they do not necessarily represent the decisions, policy or views of the World Health Organization.

Competing interests: The authors have declared that no competing interests exist.

Abbreviations: ACE, Adverse Childhood Experiences; BMI, body mass index; CI, confidence interval; DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders; HSV2, herpes simplex virus type 2; OR, odds ratio; PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder; STI, sexually transmitted infection; WHO, World Health Organization

Introduction

Child maltreatment is defined as all forms of physical and/or emotional ill-treatment, sexual abuse, neglect or negligent treatment, or commercial or other exploitation of children that results in actual or potential harm to a child's health, survival, development, or dignity in the context of a relationship of responsibility, trust, or power [1]. Four types of maltreatment are commonly recognised: sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse (also referred to as psychological abuse), and neglect ( Table 1).

There is a great deal of uncertainty around estimates of the frequency and severity of child maltreatment worldwide. Furthermore, much violence against children remains largely hidden and unreported because of fear and stigma and the societal acceptance of this type of violence [2]. Globally, prevalence of reported child sexual abuse varies from 2% to 62%, with some of this variation explained by a number of methodological factors including definition of abuse, method of data collection, and type of sample assessed [3]. In high-income countries, the annual prevalence of physical abuse ranges from 4% to 16%, and approximately 10% of children are neglected or emotionally abused [4]. Eighty percent of this maltreatment is perpetrated by parents or parental guardians [4], and poverty, mental health problems, low educational achievement, alcohol and drug misuse, having been maltreated oneself as a child, and family breakdown or violence between other family members are all important risk factors for parents abusing their children [5].

There is growing recognition that different forms of interpersonal violence have a large public health impact [6]. In children, the consequences of violence can vary widely. Physical injuries and, in extreme cases, death are direct consequences. World Health Organization (WHO) estimates of child homicide suggest that infants and very young children are at greatest risk, with rates for the 0- to 4-y age group about double those for 5- to 14-y-olds as a result of their dependency and vulnerability [5]. However, in the majority of non-fatal cases, the direct physical injury causes less morbidity to the child than the long-term impact of the violence on the child's neurological, cognitive, and emotional development and overall health [5].

Child maltreatment is a major public health problem, yet a lack of understanding of its serious lifelong consequences and of the cost and burden on society has hampered investment in prevention policies and programs. In order to effectively respond to the problem, the WHO 2006 report on prevention of child maltreatment [5] recommended expanding the scientific evidence base for the magnitude, consequences, and preventability of child maltreatment.

The relationship between child sexual abuse and adverse psychological consequences in adults is well established [7]-[9], and in the WHO comparative risk assessment study, Andrews and colleagues [3] carried out a systematic review and meta-analysis summarising the evidence of a relationship between child sexual abuse and subsequent mental disorders. This review is currently being updated in the new iteration of the Global Burden of Diseases, Injuries, and Risk Factors Study, aiming to provide global estimates of attributable burden for 1990 to 2010 [10], but other forms of child maltreatment have been omitted.

Exposure to non-sexual child maltreatment, namely, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect, is associated with increased risk of a wide range of psychological and behavioural problems, including depression, alcohol abuse, anxiety, and suicidal behaviour, and with increased risk of HIV and herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV2) infection [11]-[14]. However, the long-term health consequences of these other forms of child maltreatment have not been systematically examined. To address these omissions, clarify the present state of empirical research, and enable the quantification of the health impacts of child neglect, physical abuse, and emotional abuse at the population level using burden of disease and comparative risk assessment methodology, we conducted a systematic review of the scientific literature and quantitative meta-analyses. To the best of our knowledge, this is the first meta-analysis to summarise the evidence for associations between individual types of non-sexual child maltreatment and outcomes related to mental and physical health.

Methods

General recommendations from the PRISMA 2009 revision [15], with regard to processing and reporting of results, were taken into account ( Text S1). The meta-analysis conforms to the guidelines outlined by the Meta-analysis of Observational Studies in Epidemiology recommendations [16]. Methods and inclusion criteria were specified in advance and documented in a review protocol ( Text S2).

Inclusion and Exclusion Criteria

This systematic review and meta-analysis incorporated retrospective and prospective cohort, cross-sectional, and case-control studies meeting the following inclusion criteria: (1) the study reported original, empirical research published in a peer-reviewed journal, (2) the study considered non-sexual child maltreatment as a potential risk factor for loss of health, and (3) the related health outcomes or behavioural risk factors were among those listed in the Global Burden of Diseases, Injuries, and Risk Factors Study [10]. Studies reporting exposure only to combined types of abuse were excluded. Included studies reported odds ratios (ORs) and confidence intervals (CIs) comparing those exposed and not exposed by type of abuse or, alternatively, provided the information from which effect sizes and confidence intervals could be calculated ( Text S2).

Search Strategy

Three electronic databases (Medline, EMBASE, and PsycINFO up to 26 June 2012) were searched using full text and Medical Subject Headings (MeSH) terms to identify studies reporting an association between non-sexual child maltreatment and health outcomes ( Text S2). Truncation of terms was used to capture variation in terminology. The search was not restricted to the English language, nor restricted by any other means. Searches were conducted using synonyms and combinations of the following search terms: "maltreatment", "physical abuse", "psychological abuse", and "emotional abuse", and automatic explosion of the terms "child abuse" and "child neglect". The search was also not restricted to any particular health outcome. Instead, the broader terms "risk", "adverse effect", "consequences", "harm", and "association" were used to encompass all studies that investigated any adverse outcome of non-sexual child maltreatment. In addition, reference lists of selected studies were screened for any other relevant study, and additional studies were also identified through contact with study authors. Articles in languages other than English were translated.

Data Collection and Quality Assessment

Statistical Analyses

Weighted summary measures were computed using MetaXL, version 1.2 [18], a tool for meta-analysis in Microsoft Excel, with ORs chosen as the principal summary measure. Heterogeneity was quantitatively assessed using the Cochran's Q and I ² statistics to evaluate whether the pooled studies represent a homogeneous distribution of effect sizes. Evidence of publication bias was investigated by means of funnel plots using the standard error on the y-axis [19].

To address the effects of important study characteristics and explore heterogeneity, we additionally conducted several pre-specified subgroup analyses (depending on data availability) by the following: gender of participants in the sample, geographic location (high income versus low-to-middle income), type of sample (population-based versus non-representative samples), measurement of abuse (self-reported versus official records), assessment of health outcome (structured clinical interview versus self-reported), prospective versus retrospective assessment of abuse and neglect, and appropriate adjustment versus no or inadequate adjustment for confounders.

Results

Out of 285 articles assessed for eligibility, 124 studies provided evidence of a relationship between non-sexual child maltreatment and various health outcomes for use in subsequent meta-analyses ( Figure 1). The majority ( n = 112) were from Western Europe, North America, Australia, and New Zealand. Data from low- and middle-income countries were sparse. Only 16 studies used a prospective cohort design that followed abused or neglected children over time to identify later health outcomes ( Table 3). The remaining studies included cohort, cross-sectional, and case-control studies that measured the maltreatment retrospectively, usually by self-report in adolescence or adulthood. Most of the studies included in our meta-analysis presented data from regional or nationally representative samples ( Table 3). The results of primary meta-analyses are presented in Tables 4- 6, with Figures S1, S2, S3, S4, S5, S6, S7, S8, S9, S10, S11, S12, S13, S14, S15, S16, S17, S18, S19, S20, S21, S22, S23, S24, S25, S26, S27, S28, S29, S30, S31, S32, S33, S34, S35, S36, S37, S38, S39, S40, S41, S42 showing the forest plots of these meta-analyses. Details of subgroup analyses are presented in Tables S1, S2, S3, S4, S5, S6, S7, S8, S9, S10, S11.

Mental Disorders

Physically abused (OR = 1.54; 95% CI 1.16-2.04), emotionally abused (OR = 3.06; 95% CI 2.43-3.85), and neglected (OR = 2.11; 95% CI 1.61-2.77) individuals were found to have a higher risk of developing depressive disorders than non-abused individuals ( Table 4; Figures S1, S2, S3). The test for heterogeneity was highly significant, with p<0.01 for both abuse types and neglect. Funnel plots indicate the possibility of publication bias for physical abuse, as it appears that some smaller, less precise studies have a greater effect size than the larger studies, and there are no smaller studies to the left (negative) side of the graph, suggesting that some negative studies may never have been published ( Figure S4).

Physical abuse (OR = 1.51; 95% CI 1.27-1.79), emotional abuse (OR = 3.21; 95% CI 2.05-5.03), and neglect (OR = 1.82; 95% CI 1.51-2.20) were associated with a significantly increased risk of anxiety disorders ( Figures S5, S6, S7, S8). For physical abuse, significant associations were also observed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and panic disorder diagnoses ( Table S2). A dose-response relationship was observed with physical abuse but not with emotional abuse and neglect [22], with anxiety disorders more likely with frequent physical abuse than with abuse that occurred only sometimes in childhood ( Table S2). Physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect were also associated with an almost 3-fold increased risk of developing eating disorders ( Figures S9, S10, S11, S12), and physical abuse was associated with a 5-fold increased risk of developing bulimia nervosa meeting Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) diagnostic criteria. Most of the evidence came from retrospective studies, and only one prospective study [23] reported a strong association with neglect in childhood ( Table S3). A dose-response relationship was also observed, with bulimia nervosa more likely with more severe and repeated physical abuse [24] ( Table S3).

Physical abuse and neglect were also associated with a doubling of the odds of childhood behavioural and conduct disorders ( Figures S13, S14, S15). With respect to physical abuse, higher odds of developing conduct and childhood behavioural disorders were observed in prospective than in retrospective studies, but differences were not statistically significant. Studies with non-representative samples had significantly increased effect size for the association between physical abuse and childhood behavioural problems and conduct disorder (OR = 5.98; 95% CI 2.73-13.10) compared with population-based studies (OR = 2.02; 95% CI 1.58-2.58) ( Table S4).

Although primary analyses suggest an increased risk of drug use associated with physical abuse (OR = 1.92; 95% CI 1.67-2.20), emotional abuse (OR = 1.41; 95% CI 1.11-1.79), and neglect (OR = 1.36; 95% CI 1.21-1.54) ( Figures S20, S21, S22, S23), there was only borderline significance in prospective studies, with a stronger consistent association observed in retrospective studies, albeit with overlapping confidence intervals ( Table S6). A dose-response relationship between emotional abuse and neglect and drug use was not consistently seen.

Physically abused (OR = 3.00; 95% CI 2.07-4.33), emotionally abused (OR = 3.08; 95% CI 2.42-3.93), and neglected (OR = 1.85; 95% CI 1.25-2.73) individuals had a significantly increased risk of suicidal behaviour compared with non-abused individuals ( Table 4). These significant associations continued in subgroup analyses by type of suicidal behaviour, with physically abused (OR = 3.40; 95% CI 2.17-5.32), emotionally abused (OR = 3.37; 95% CI 2.44-4.67), and neglected (OR = 1.95; 95% CI 1.13-3.37) individuals at a significantly increased risk of suicide attempt ( Figures S24, S25, S26, S27) and suicide ideation ( Table S7). There were no prospective studies investigating non-sexual child maltreatment and suicide attempt or ideation. Only one prospective study [25] was found investigating the association between self-inflicted injuries and exposure to physical abuse and neglect. Six studies [13],[26]-[30] presented the results by gender for physical abuse and suicide attempt and ideation, but no statistically significant differences were observed. One study showed that exposure to frequent childhood neglect was more strongly associated with suicidal behaviour than exposure to neglect that occurred sometimes [13] ( Table S7).

Sexually Transmitted Infections and Risky Sexual Behaviour

Chronic Diseases, Lifestyle Risk Factors, and Other Physical Health Outcomes

With regard to obesity, a significantly increased risk was observed for physical (OR = 1.32; 95% CI 1.06-1.64) and emotional abuse (OR = 1.24; 95% CI 1.13-1.36) but not for neglect (OR = 1.07; 95% CI 0.97-1.19) in the primary analysis ( Figures S32, S33, S34, S35). Subgroup analysis by assessment of outcome indicated that neglect was associated with a higher risk of developing self-reported obesity, but there was no association with obesity defined by waist circumference or body mass index (BMI) measurements ( Table S9). In the subgroup analysis by ascertainment of exposure to physical abuse, there was a strong association with obesity in one prospective study, but the magnitude of the effect was reduced in retrospective studies ( Table S9). A dose-response relationship between physical and emotional abuse and obesity has been observed [31] ( Table S9).

Physical (OR = 1.78; 95% CI 1.26-2.52) ( Figure S36) and emotional abuse (OR = 1.65; 95% CI 1.46-1.87) ( Figure S37) were associated with a significantly increased risk of current smoking, but the association was not significant for neglect in childhood (OR = 1.20; 95% CI 0.98-1.48). One study showed a dose response, with smoking more likely with physical abuse that occurred 3-5 times than with abuse that occurred 1-2 times, but this relationship did not continue into those who had been abused more than six times compared with those who had been abused 3-5 times [32] ( Table S10).

Discussion

To the best of our knowledge, this article presents the first systematic review and meta-analysis of published studies assessing the association between non-sexual child maltreatment and mental and physical health outcomes. We identified 124 studies that examined the association between physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect in childhood and various health outcomes.

Does Non-Sexual Child Maltreatment Cause Adverse Health Outcomes?

Evidence for a causal relationship between non-sexual child maltreatment and health outcomes was evaluated within the Bradford Hill framework on the grounds of the following important criteria: strength and consistency of the association, the temporal relationship of the association, evidence of a biological gradient or dose-response relationship, biological plausibility, and consideration of alternate explanations [34] ( Table S12).

Temporality

Both prospective and retrospective studies consistently showed an association between exposure to child physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect and adverse health outcomes. The availability of prospective studies provides conclusive evidence of a temporal relationship between exposure to non-sexual child maltreatment and the later development of mental health outcomes, drug use, and STIs and risky sexual behaviour, as in these studies abuse and neglect preceded the onset of health problems in adulthood.

However, only 16 studies were prospective, while the majority of the studies were cross-sectional and relied on adult retrospective report of abuse and neglect in childhood. By definition, these studies cannot prove a temporal relationship between exposure to child maltreatment and the onset of health outcomes. Furthermore, retrospective, self-reported information regarding abuse in childhood may be subject to recall bias, where those with adjustment problems may be more prone to recall or disclose exposure to abuse and neglect. In many cases participants were asked to report on events that would have occurred many years before, and the issue of potentially unreliable recall threatens the validity of the published literature on child maltreatment. At least with respect to child sexual abuse, evidence suggests moderate to good consistency of reports over time [35]. It has also been suggested that biases are probably towards under-reporting rather than over-reporting of abuse [36]. Nevertheless, given that retrospective reports were often the only measure of abuse available, particularly with regard to emotional abuse, we accepted these within the context of the limitations stated.

Consistency of the Association

As shown in the forest plots of the effects by study, there was strong consistency and agreement in the estimated effect measures across studies, particularly for neglect and physical abuse, although we suspect publication bias for some of the outcomes. Risk estimates were comparable across different types of samples, for both non-representative and representative populations ( Tables S1, S2, S3, S4 and S6, S7, S8). The findings persisted across different study designs, samples, and geographic regions investigated. It can be concluded that there is a highly consistent association between child physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect and adverse mental health outcomes, drug use, and STIs and risky sexual behaviour. We did not observe evidence of strong consistent associations for alcohol problems, chronic diseases, or lifestyle risk factors.

Dose-Response Relationship

We found evidence of a dose-response relationship between adverse health outcomes and non-sexual child maltreatment, such that those experiencing more severe abuse or neglect were at greater risk of developing mental disorders than those experiencing less severe maltreatment [39]. In the Chapman et al. [40] study, increasing severity of childhood adversity corresponded with poorer mental health outcomes. Consistent dose-response relationships with repeated, frequent, or severe abuse have been reported for mental disorders and physical abuse [13],[24],[41] and emotional abuse and neglect [13],[22]. Furthermore, there is evidence to suggest that experiencing multiple types of maltreatment may carry more severe consequences, with those exposed to multiple types of abuse at increased odds of developing mental disorders [42],[43], and the risk increases with the magnitude of multiple abuse [44]. Dose-response relationships with repeated frequent or severe abuse have also been reported for STIs and physical and emotional abuse [13], obesity and emotional and physical abuse [31], and smoking and physical abuse [32].

Plausibility

With respect to biological plausibility, animal models of mental disorders do not exist, making it particularly difficult to understand the underlying biological mechanisms. Progress in understanding has to be made by association and inference rather than experimental data [3]. There are nevertheless several potential mechanisms that may explain the observed association between abuse and neglect in childhood and increased risk of mental health problems. Neurobiological development can be physiologically altered by maltreatment during a child's early years, which can in turn negatively affect a child's physical, cognitive, emotional, and social growth, leading to psychological, behavioural, and learning problems that persist throughout the life course [45],[46]. Moreover, cumulative trauma may further increase risk [47], and some victims of abuse may try to manage the subsequent distress through the use of alcohol, prescription medication, tobacco, or other drugs.

Consideration of Alternate Explanations

It is important to note that the role of genes, environment, and gene-environment interactions in the causation of mental disorders is not well understood. Twin studies provide one of the best ways to examine the interplay between genetic and environmental influences [3], but to the best of our knowledge, these are only available for child sexual abuse. The relationship between abuse and neglect in childhood and subsequent health effects is complex. Although childhood abuse and neglect does result in adverse health outcomes, these outcomes are not independent of broader socioeconomic contexts. Lifestyle factors, access to health care, and neighbourhood characteristics may act as mediators between child abuse and neglect and long-term health consequences [49]-[51]. Exposure to child maltreatment often co-occurs within the context of other family dysfunction, social deprivation, and other environmental stressors that are also associated with mental disorders. Child maltreatment may be a marker of other family problems that together lead to the development of mental disorders. In addition, findings from many studies do not take into account the likely contribution of hereditary influences on the predisposition to mental disorders. Children of depressed parents may be at greater risk of depression through both exposure to maltreatment by their parents and genetic predisposition [43]. Hence, some of the effect of child abuse and neglect on mental disorders may still be explained by confounding. However, the effect of abuse on mental disorders remained significant in the majority of studies included in these meta-analyses after controlling for these co-occurring factors.

Assessment of Causality

In summary, there was robust evidence of significant associations between exposure to non-sexual child maltreatment and increased likelihood of a range of mental disorders, suicide attempts, drug use, STIs, and risky sexual behaviour. An increase in the likelihood of alcohol problem use was not consistently seen. There is weak to limited evidence suggesting a relationship between non-sexual child maltreatment and certain physical disorders and risk factors ( Table 8), but more research is required to confirm these relationships.

Study Limitations

Although these findings and conclusions seem to be relatively consistent and robust, they should be interpreted in light of a number of limitations of our analysis.

This meta-analysis may be subject to publication bias because non-significant findings are less likely to be published [52]. This problem is increased when statistical models are employed because often only significant estimates are reported in many studies. This may result in the association between child abuse and neglect and outcomes being overstated, particularly for depressive disorders and anxiety, where publication bias may have played a role. For some of the other conditions there were too few studies to make conclusions with respect to publication bias.

Measurement bias with respect to health outcomes and the questionable reliability of self-reported data may also have affected the results. We dealt with this issue in the meta-analysis by adjusting the quality score and performing subgroup analyses. For mental disorders, studies using well-validated and standardised diagnostic instruments were assigned a higher quality score than studies using self-report symptom scales.

Another limitation of meta-analyses of observational studies is that, since individuals cannot be randomly allocated to case groups, the influence of confounding variables cannot be fully evaluated. While most studies presented multivariable adjusted ORs controlling for a range of socio-demographic and study design variables, a few studies presented unadjusted associations between child maltreatment and health outcomes, or adjusted for age and sex only. We again dealt with this issue in our meta-analysis by adjusting the quality score of studies with inadequate control for confounding and by carrying out separate analyses depending on data availability. Some studies also statistically controlled for exposure to other forms of maltreatment by including the different types of abuse in the same model in order to determine the independent contribution of each abuse type. Generally, in studies presenting results from various unadjusted and adjusted models, the association between abuse and physical and mental health outcomes was attenuated when controlling for the effects of mediating variables [61]-[72] and other forms of abuse [73]-[79]. However, findings from a recent prospective cohort study indicate that for some physical health outcomes additional control for socioeconomic status, unhealthy behaviour, smoking, and mental health problems seems to play varying roles in attenuating or intensifying these complex relationships [33]. Furthermore, we cannot exclude that residual confounding or unmeasured potential confounders may still remain. Despite evidence of weak associations between non-sexual child maltreatment and chronic diseases, further studies are needed that ensure adequate adjustment for lifetime confounders, because the attributable burden would be appreciable.

Significant heterogeneity exists in the primary analysis of physical and emotional abuse, even after our attempts to control for study quality in quality effects models, and the heterogeneity remained significant in most of the subgroup analyses. Given this situation, combining the effects may not be justified. With respect to neglect, pooled estimates in primary and subgroup analyses did not show significant heterogeneity for many outcomes.

Recommendations

Inconsistencies in the measurement and definition of child maltreatment highlight the importance of international efforts to standardise studies to enhance the comparability of findings. These include defining the cutoff age for childhood (0-18 y, as specified by the United Nations), and breaking this period into smaller age bands that can reflect age-specific patterns [5]. Researchers should select methodologies and instruments with international comparisons in mind. Identical questionnaires, research designs, and interviewing techniques should ideally be used for surveys in different countries [5]. In reality, however, all survey methods will require at least some adaptation to local conditions, and efforts to ensure comparability should involve choosing definitions of abuse and neglect, and questionnaire items, that represent an advanced level of knowledge [80]. To minimise how participants' subjective perceptions and definitions shape the answers, it is recommended that self-report studies clearly specify the behaviours and experiences being investigated, and that each sub-type of abuse and neglect is explored using multiple behaviourally specific questions, instead of a single-item "label question" [81].

Examples of international efforts to increase comparability across studies include the WHO's establishment of a global adverse childhood experiences research network, and the International Society for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect's Child Abuse Screening Tools (ICAST). The WHO network has developed an international version of the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) questionnaire (the ACE International Questionnaire), for administration to people aged 18 y and older, which is currently being validated through trial implementation as part of broader health surveys in several countries [82]. The ICAST initiative has involved the development of three instruments that ask parents about their use of different behaviours for discipline, young adults (18-24 y) about their exposure to child abuse and neglect in childhood, and older children about their own recent experiences of violence [83].

Child maltreatment deserves increased investment in preventive and treatment strategies. Currently, there is a paucity of evidence-based interventions to reduce child maltreatment. Further research is urgently needed to identify programs that reduce the prevalence of child maltreatment, thereby alleviating an important risk factor for later health problems. Evidence-based systemic interventions that improve parenting strategies and family functioning may be more effective and economical than attempting to treat the wide-ranging deleterious health outcomes in adulthood that arise from maltreatment in the early years of life [48],[84].

A broad range of protective factors have been identified that assist in promoting resilience in children exposed to adversity. Self control, problem-solving skills, secure relationships with caregivers, and safe schools and neighbourhoods are known to reduce the risk of adverse consequences in children exposed to trauma [85],[86]. There is mounting evidence that exposure to childhood adversity interacting with particular genetic dispositions such as the short allele of the serotonin transporter gene [87] and genes involved in the regulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary axis [88],[89] can result in problems with stress regulation and increased risk of anxiety and depression. Epigenetic changes have also been postulated as a mechanism by which transgenerational resilience or vulnerability may occur [90]. In spite of the increased knowledge in this field, it remains a challenge to translate this research into interventions at a population level that can reduce the vulnerability of children exposed to maltreatment [91].

Conclusion

This overview of the evidence suggests a causal relationship between non-sexual child maltreatment and a range of mental disorders, drug use, suicide attempts, sexually transmitted infections, and risky sexual behaviour. There is also emerging evidence that neglect in childhood may be as harmful as physical and emotional abuse. Although these conclusions have been drawn before from single empirical studies, in this article they are demonstrated in aggregate quantitative effects, to our knowledge for the first time.

This review contributes to a better understanding and measurement of the non-injury health impacts of child maltreatment globally and enables quantification of the burden attributable to physical and emotional abuse and neglect at the population level using comparative risk assessment methodology [92]. All forms of child maltreatment should be considered as part of the cluster of interpersonal violence risk factors in future global comparative risk assessments. Attributable burden is likely to be substantial, given the high prevalence of these forms of child maltreatment, the strong associations reported in our analysis, and the fact that related health outcomes are among the leading causes of disease burden globally. Despite the magnitude of the problem and increasing awareness of its high social costs, preventing child maltreatment is not a political priority in most countries. It is imperative that epidemiology and public health approaches find their proper place at the forefront of national and international efforts to understand and prevent child maltreatment [93].

Acknowledgments

Sophie Moore is gratefully acknowledged for her contribution to the systematic review. Lars Eriksson and Keryl Michener, University of Queensland Health Sciences Library, are thanked for their assistance in designing the search strategy.

Author Contributions

Conceived and designed the experiments: REN TV. Performed the experiments: REN MB RD. Analyzed the data: REN MB. Wrote the first draft of the manuscript: REN. Contributed to the writing of the manuscript: REN MB RD AB JS TV. ICMJE criteria for authorship read and met: REN MB RD AB JS TV. Agree with manuscript results and conclusions: REN MB RD AB JS TV.

References

17. Wells G, Shea B, O'Connell D, Petersen J, Welch V, et al.. (2012) The Newcastle-Ottawa Scale (NOS) for assessing the quality of nonrandomized studies in meta-analyses. Ottawa: Ottawa Hospital Research Institute. Available: http://www.ohri.ca/programs/clinical_epidemiology/oxford.asp. Accessed 1 November 2012.

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The Long-Term Health Consequences of Child Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, and Neglect: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis

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Rosana Norman and colleagues conduct a systematic review and meta-analysis to assess the relationship between child physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect, and subsequent mental and physical health outcomes.

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This article talks about women and their views on emotional vs physical abuse. It also compares long term abusive relationships to short. It researches emotional abuse patterns and compares battered vs non battered relationships.

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The role of emotional abuse in physically abusive relationships

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Two hundred thirty four women were interviewed to assess the relationship of emotional abuse to physical abuse. Six major types of emotional abuse were identified. Analyses determined if the types...

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1. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
2. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
3. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
4. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
5. Plays intentional mind games.
6. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
7. Accuses or blames you for things that aren’t true, such as infidelity.
8. Accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
9. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
10. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
11. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

These techniques are some of the most powerful ones that were used on me. I can relate to all of the other techniques posted as well because I have experienced them or ones like them. These techniques are often shown in TV shows and movies. These are some of the most common forms of abuse. This type of abuse is mentally draining and can take a toll on your mental and physical health.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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Hey guys if you could fill out this survey I made that would be awesome! (Click Image Below!

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Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave

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Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave

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This is a great find from Mrs.L! It helps you to realize why people in abusive relationships don't leave.

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Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

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Leslie Morgan Steiner was in "crazy love" -- that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. Steiner tells the story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence.

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1. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
2. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. Makes “jokes” at your expense.
4. Uses sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad.
5. Swears at you or calls you names.
6. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
7. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship or situation Text CONNECT to 741741

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1. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
2. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn’t get demands met.
3. Demands obedience to whims.
4. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
5. Behaves like a spoiled child.
6. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
7. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
8. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
8. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
9. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
10. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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Every year 1.5 million high school students experience physical abuse from a dating partner.

In the U.S. one in three adolescents is a victim of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner.

43% of college women who are dating report they have experienced violent and abusive dating behaviors.

Girls within the age of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence.

36% of college students have given a dating partner their email, social network passwords, computer, or online access.

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1. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
2. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
3. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
4. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
5. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
6. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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They want to isolate you from friends or even family.

They tend to insult or belittle you, even when “joking”.

They blame others a lot, and often times it’s you.

Alcohol and drug use that causes erratic behavior can be a catalyst of abuse.

They instill fear, uneasiness or are intimidating in their speech or actions.

They punish you or retaliate for time you spend away from them.

They expect you to be subservient but aren’t helpful themselves.

They are extremely jealous of your time, relationships and/or aspirations.

They manipulate your emotions and make you feel guilty.

They get physical. Obviously hitting someone is abusive, but physical abuse can start as intimidating posturing, grabbing or controlling your movements and space.

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Pretty much everyone deals with jealous, controlling or over-bearing traits of significant others from time to time, but how can you tell if your relationship is abusive or border-line abusive? It's a difficult thing to pin down, and a lot has to do with your personal feelings, however the things in this list especially when combined can be warning signs that you are in an emotionally abusive or physically abusive relationship.

If you're wondering "Am I in an abusive relationship?" look this list over and read more about these signs of abusive relationships at HealthCentral.com.

They want to isolate you from friends or even family.

They tend to insult or belittle you, even when "joking".

They blame others a lot, and often times it's you.

Alcohol and drug use that causes erratic behavior can be a catalyst of abuse.

They instill fear, uneasiness or are intimidating in their speech or actions.

They punish you or retaliate for time you spend away from them.

They expect you to be subservient but aren't helpful themselves.

They are extremely jealous of your time, relationships and/or aspirations.

They manipulate your emotions and make you feel guilty.

They get physical. Obviously hitting someone is abusive, but physical abuse can start as intimidating posturing, grabbing or controlling your movements and space.

If you feel like any of these ring true about your relationship, please visit the link and read the more detailed descriptions of these signs. We encourage anyone who feels that they are in an abusive relationship to seek help from friends, family or the law if necessary. Often times even small signs can be a red flag for future problems, and abusers often become more intense if they feel in control, and that you will not take action. No one deserves that type of treatment.

Find Abuse Centers in your State
Find a Crisis Hotline and someone to talk to
Contact the Police in your state (if you feel you are in immediate danger, please dial 911 and find a safe place to wait for them to arrive)

A Voice For The Innocent is a safe, anonymous online community of support for victims of rape and sex abuse. Join A Voice For The Innocent to share your support, or to share your story.

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10 Signs of Abusive Relationships - A Voice for the Innocent

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Pretty much everyone deals with jealous, controlling or over-bearing traits of significant others from time to time, but how can you tell if your relationship is abusive or border-line abusive? It's a difficult thing to pin down, and a lot has to do with your personal feelings, however the things in this list especially when...

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•Romantic Love- Love that is based around physical touch, gifts, and other romantic gestures. A very intimate relationship
•Nurturing Love- Love that is more than physical, a nurturing caring love (Opening up personally). Truly caring about the person, their feelings, and their personal lives.
•Addictive Love- Love that turns into an obsession, possibly not even love. A very jealous relationship with little to no trust. Can turn into abuse very quickly.

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Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we’re here to help.

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1. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
2. Acts out to be the center of attention.
3. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
4. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
5. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
6. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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Kayla, thanks for sharing your story, especially your insights about the "red flags."  I'm reading a book right now called Educated about a gal and her life growing up in a super conservative home-schooling family in Idaho. In chapter 14 called "Fish Eyes," she details watching her teenage brother abuse a young gal, not by anything physical but by psychological games. It gives some startling insights into how and why these abuse issues begin.

Also, check out this TED: https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en

It addresses the difficulties women have in leaving abusive relationships.

*Be sure to end your posts with some questions to engage your audience ;)
--Mrs. Lewandowski

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What are the different types of abuse in relationships?

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What are the different types of abuse in relationships?

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There are six different types of abuse that can occur in relationships:
Physical
Emotional/Verbal
Sexual
Financial
Digital
Stalking

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Have you ever been in an abusive relationship, or have you witnessed someone in one before?

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Have you ever been in an abusive relationship, or have you witnessed someone in one before?

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Abuse in relationships is something too common, and something that hits so close to home. I started dating my boyfriend of 3 years my freshman year of high school. Like most relationships start out, the first year was like a dream. This was my first real relationship so I really had no idea what it was supposed to look like. After a year of dating the red flags started to pop up every now and then. They started out as little things like asking for my passwords to my social media, but then it turned into accusations of cheating, and controlling behavior. From there it only got worse, and emotional/verbal abuse was very present. Eventually I found out he was cheating on me, but because I relied on him, I stayed with him for another year and a half. After we broke up I came to realization that it was not only emotional/verbal abuse, but it was the six different types of abuse.

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“Home - Loveisrespect.” Loveisrespect.org, www.loveisrespect.org/.

“61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship.” Live Bold and Bloom, 20 Oct. 2018, liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse.

Follingstad, Diane R., et al. “The Role of Emotional Abuse in Physically Abusive Relationships.” SpringerLink, Kluwer Academic Publishers-Plenum Publishers, link.springer.com/article/10.1007/BF00978514.

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1. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
2. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
3. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
4. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
5. Turning other people against you.
6. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
7. Shares your personal information with others.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

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Realizing you're in an abusive relationship is often something most people don't realize until late into the relationship or after it's over. Preventing abuse starts with realizing abuse before it progresses. Look for unfair or unrealistic expectations. If your partner is quick to anger, or deals with mood swings these are signs to look for. If your partner won't accept responsibility for wrong doings that may be another sign. While evaluating your relationship consider whether your sex life is mutually fulfilling. Always make sure to evaluate your relationship!

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Healthy relationships for young adults can be confusing. Love is more than just the way you feel, and we’re here to help.

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1. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
2. Shows a “Jekyll and Hyde” temperament with wild mood swings.
3. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
4. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
5. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive.

In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim.

However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates. In fact, emotional abuse signs can be evident in any relationship - between parent and child, in friendships, relatives and at work.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim's sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others.

In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one's sense of self and personal value.

It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.

It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, financial control, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming, and manipulation.

Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven't dealt with - perhaps as a result of being abused themselves.

They didn't learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and antisocial personality disorder(ASPD).

Although emotional abuse doesn't always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.

The victim of this type of behavior quite often doesn't see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress.

But the long-term effects can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren't sure what constitutes the signs of abuse, read the list below.

Here are 61 signs of emotional abuse in relationships:

Domination and Controlling Tactics
1. Says things to upset or frighten you.
Maybe you are tender-hearted, sensitive, or easily upset. Your abusive partner has found your Achilles heel and is playing you for all it's worth. If you don't obey, go along, or toe the line, your partner is going to threaten and scare you into it.
2. Becomes overly and inappropriately jealous of attention from or conversation with others.
Your partner doesn't like the idea of sharing you with anyone-even in the most innocuous, innocent situations. He or she will make sure you never cross the line again by inflicting the pain of extreme jealous tantrums and threats.
3. Monitors your time and whereabouts.
Nothing is more controlling and dominating than someone checking up on you constantly and managing what you do and where you go. Emotional controllers are masters at monitoring you and will either guilt you into staying put or threaten you if you step out of line.

As a result, you feel like you're under house arrest with no freedom or decision-making powers.
4. Monitors your telephone calls/texts or email contacts.
This kind of monitoring is just another way of controlling you and crossing your personal boundaries. You feel like a child whose parent suspects you're up to no good-except you aren't a child.

You're an adult with a right to privacy and a right to contact whomever you wish without interference.
Get your FREE Emotional Abuse Test. Find out your personal score. 5. Makes decisions that affect both of you or the family without consulting you or reaching an agreement with you.
An emotional abuser will attempt to put you in a secondary (or bottom-rung) position in the family by neglecting or refusing to include you in important decisions.

He doesn't want his position of power to be usurped or undermined if you have a differing opinion. She doesn't really see you as an equal decision-maker in the family, so why even consult you?

Eventually, you forget how to make decisions and rely on your abuser to manage things.
6. Controls the finances and how you spend money.
You don't know how to access your bank accounts because your partner won't give you the passwords.

You can't make a purchase without asking permission and getting an "allowance" from your partner. You may not even know how much money you have or how your partner is spending it.

All financial control and decision-making are in your partner's complete control, leaving you helpless and completely dependent.
7. Repeatedly crosses your boundaries and ignores your requests.
Your partner doesn't care that you've asked her not to leave her dirty dishes in the sink. She does as she pleases.

You might ask your partner to put the kids to bed tonight because you're exhausted, but it's not going to happen because he has other plans. Your boundaries and requests are rarely honored.
8. Makes subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Your partner might say things like, "I'm going to take the children, and you'll never see them." Or, "If you leave, you'll never get a penny from me." Words are used as weapons to keep you in line.

And they have an uncanny way of knowing exactly what your Achilles heal might be. He or she chooses words that have the most power to manipulate you.
9. Shows complete disregard and disrespect.
Everything about your partner's words and language reveals his or her contempt for you.

Maybe she talks down to you or laughs at you. Maybe he starts humming or looks at the newspaper while you're trying to talk.

Their words and actions when you speak tell you volumes: you are worthless in his or her eyes.
10. Disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
Your point of view and emotional needs are not important to the abuser. He or she doesn't really care how you feel or what your opinion is.

If you try to express yourself, they will either ignore you or tell you your thoughts and feelings are wrong or stupid.
11. Makes "jokes" at your expense.
Both you and your abusive partner know the intent of the "joke." She isn't kidding when she makes fun of your latest job setback in front of her parents.

You can feel the edge in his humor when he jokes about your weight gain.

Cruelty and disrespect are masked with humor, but you see through it clearly and know your partner is twisting the knife to make you feel bad about yourself.
12. Uses sarcasm or "teasing" to put you down or make you feel bad.
Sarcasm is using words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say in order to insult, demean, or show irritation.

Your partner or spouse might say she is teasing, but you know the truth behind the words. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive behavior that allows them to pretend as though his or her words were meant jokingly.

It's an attempt to keep you off balance and uncomfortable enough that you'll back off.
13. Swears at you or calls you names.
Just like insults and threats, swearing and name-calling is a base attempt to frighten and demoralize you.

Unlike the more covert method of sarcasm, swearing and name-calling are about as direct as your emotional abuser can get.

He or she has so little respect for you and for common decency that saying offensive, derogatory things is not beneath them.

Once you've been called these names enough, you begin to believe them and accept the behavior as normal.
14. Creates circular, never-ending conversations to confuse and exhaust you.
Some abusers seem to thrive on stirring the pot with exhausting, circular arguments.

They can go on and on with confusing, long-winded tirades that ultimately leave you so exhausted, you give up.

You will say or do just about anything to avoid getting trapped in this vortex of confusion and contention-and that's exactly what your abuser wants.

15. Regularly points out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
Your abuser is going to make sure you know about it when you make a mistake or don't live up to his or her expectations.

Nothing gets by your abuser, and you are given no grace when it comes to being imperfect in any way. You feel unloved and unlovable as a result.

Demanding and Controlling Expectations
16. Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
"The sink is full of dirty dishes. Get up and clean them right now." "Make me a sandwich. I'm hungry." "I'm tired of listening to the kids' whining. Do something about it."

You aren't treated like an equal adult in your own home. You've been relegated to the position of server-in-chief. You jump when your spouse says jump.
17. Gets extremely angry when he or she doesn't get demands met.
If you don't jump when your abusive partner tells you to, you'll pay for it. The consequences might include yelling, cursing, door slamming, pouting, or put-downs.

He will make you so anxious or uncomfortable that being a servant seems like the best alternative.
18. Demands obedience to whims.
Some emotional abusers thrive on the role of being a puppeteer and watching you dance according to the way they manipulate you.

Just because they can, your partner will ask you to hop up to get something the moment you finally sit down to relax. Because she is too selfish to walk the dog or take out the trash, she demands you handle it every time.

19. Treats you like a child and tries to control you.
Your abuser doesn't see you as an equal partner. He or she views you as a child who needs to be managed and controlled.

You aren't as smart, wise, or competent as your abuser, so he or she thinks it is necessary to manage all of the decisions and rules in the household.
20. Behaves like a spoiled child.
Sometimes it feels like you're living with a toddler or sulky teenager rather than a grown-up. Whining, moaning, pouting, complaining, and temper tantrums are the manipulative tactics of choice for your partner.

They attempt to guilt, shame, or frustrate you enough to coerce you into compliance.
21. Acts helpless to get his or her way.
"I just can't cook as well as you do. You need to fix dinner." "The kids never listen to me. You tend to it." "Paying the bills gives me anxiety.

You need to handle it." Your abuser feigns helplessness, inability, or dire consequences if he is required to handle normal tasks that he is perfectly capable of handling. It's like pulling teeth to get her help, so you might as well just do it yourself.
22. Requires his or her permission before you can go anywhere or make a decision.
Your abuser holds you on a tight leash. If you want to go out with a friend, you better get his or her OK. If you want to buy new shoes, your abuser has to approve the expense.

You are no longer an independent adult but rather a child who must ask before any favor will be granted.
23. Has an inability to laugh at themselves and can't tolerate others laughing at them.
Your abuser has no humility or self-deprecating humor. If he or she makes a mistake, you better pretend it never happened.

You can't find the humor in his or her human foibles, or you will risk the wrath of someone who has zero tolerance for others (especially you) making light of his or her slip-up.

24. Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
Laughing at your abuser is definitely seen as a lack of respect, but that's not the only thing that can get your abuser riled up.

If you don't take him or her seriously, or you neglect to follow directions or advice, your abuser takes this as a sign that you aren't being respectful. Even having your own opinions or ideas can be viewed as a lack of respect.
25. Is lacking empathy or compassion for you and others.
You might be sick or depressed, but your abuser doesn't seem to care - especially if your issues interfere with what he or she wants or needs.

There is a striking lack of empathy and compassion when you are going through something difficult, and you can never count on him or her being there for you. You may see this lack of empathy from your abuser with your kids and others as well.
26. Views you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
Your abuser sees you as a supporting cast member in a show that's all about him or her. You exist to make your abuser look and feel good.

If you don't do that, he or she views it as a complete betrayal and a loss of self. Who you are as an individual doesn't matter - unless it reinforces your partner's self-interests.

Emotional Blackmail
27. Escalates abusive language or behavior if you talk back.
Yelling, cursing, and name-calling are deeply offensive to you, and your partner knows it. That's why he resorts to it the minute you give any pushback to his demands. If you want to keep the peace, you better just comply and do what he says.
28. Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
Your abuser really knows how to play the victim. "I thought you cared about me? Why won't you do this?" "If you were a real gentleman, you'd be happy to buy me a new car." Any refusal by you is positioned as a character flaw or cruelty.

You don't have a right to say "No" without feeling bad about it. Your abuser knows exactly what makes you feel so bad that you'll give in.
29. Behaves dramatically in public until you agree to do what he or she wants.
Nothing is more embarrassing and shameful to you than airing your dirty relationship laundry in public. But your abusive partner doesn't seem uncomfortable at all with it.

In fact, she's happy to have a temper tantrum at a restaurant or family gathering in order to get her way. He doesn't mind picking a fight in front of your neighbors if it means you'll acquiesce.
30. Withholds sex or affection to get his or her way.
You crave his physical affection and hugs. You long for the intimacy and connection that you can only find during sex. Yet your abuser has found a way to turn affection and sex into a tool for pressuring you.

When you don't submit to his wishes, you get the cold shoulder. Your hugs are pushed away, and your touch is rejected. Unless you finish all the chores and promise to watch the kids for the weekend, you're not going to get any sex.
You might also like: 31. Is frequently emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable.
You frequently find yourself saying, "What's wrong? Is everything OK?" Your spouse has turned as cold as Siberia, and your conversations have become one-word utterances with no effort on her part to show kindness or closeness.

You've learned through experience that the only way to melt the iceberg is by yielding to her wishes.
32. Gives you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language to make you feel bad.
Your abuser doesn't have to say anything. He or she can just give you "that look" - the one you have seen hundreds of times that says, "You better stop now or else."

It sends a wave of anxiety or shame through you because you know you've once again angered or disappointed your partner.

Mental Abuse
33. Has unpredictable emotional outbursts.
Screaming. Cursing. A crying jag. Inappropriate laughter. Knocking a lamp off the table. A calm discussion can escalate in a matter of seconds into a full-blown eruption of emotion. You are so caught off guard by this outburst, you have no idea how to respond.
34. Shows a "Jekyll and Hyde" temperament with wild mood swings.
This morning she woke up happy and loving, but by lunchtime, she's so cold and rude, you wonder if another person has inhabited her body.

One minute he's laughing and having fun with the kids, but the next he's barking out orders and yelling about the dirty dishes. Riding your partner's hourly emotions is like being on a roller coaster wearing a blindfold. You never know what to expect next.
35. Stomps out of a room during an argument or heated discussion.
You're in the middle of working through a conflict or discussing a serious topic when, out of the blue, she marches out of the room and refuses to talk. Rather than deal with the issue at hand, your partner makes a dramatic (and infantile) exit to show you who's boss and that you're not worthy of a serious, mature conversation.
36. Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
Unpredictable behaviors often involve your partner resorting to juvenile performances. You may be discussing an issue like two adults, when suddenly your partner doesn't like the turn of events and decides to pout, scowl, or refuse to talk. You feel like your partner has transformed into an unpleasant teenage version of himself when he can't get his way.
37. Shakes a finger or fist at you or makes threatening gestures or faces.
He doesn't have to actually slap you for you to feel the sting of his rage. All he needs to do is get in your face and pull back his fist.

She doesn't need to lay a finger on you for you to flinch at the look of hatred in her eyes. Real physical abuse feels like it's just a hair's width away from this angry moment, and you truly fear for your safety.

Psychological Abuse and Crisis Creation
38. Acts jealous and suspicious of your friends and social contacts.
No matter how innocent, platonic, or wholesome a relationship might be with a friend, coworker, or even family member, your spouse has a way of twisting it into something sordid, selfish, or wrong.

She acts out with jealous tantrums or accusatory questions. He's sure your friends are out to get him or tear your relationship apart.

39. Acts out to be the center of attention.
It's your child's birthday party, but your spouse makes a big show by wearing a provocative dress and flirting with the other dads. You're in the middle of telling a funny story at a party, and everyone is laughing-except him.

He interrupts to tell you that you're telling the story all wrong, and he takes over. Your partner can't stand being on the sidelines of any occasion, especially if you're getting any attention.
40. Makes a big scene about small or insignificant life problems.
The holiday turkey gets burned, and he has to announce what a lousy cook you are in front of the entire family. You forget to bring some important documents to the meeting with the accountant, and she makes sure everyone knows you always make stupid mistakes like this. Your partner trolls through life, looking for reasons to have a blowup and make a scene.
41. Does something to spite you, just to get a rise out of you.
Your spouse knows you want to be early to get a good seat at your son's basketball game, but she intentionally takes her time getting ready to make you late.

The emotional abuser knows what you value and what's important to you, and he or she deliberately undermines your wishes to watch you squirm or gain the upper hand.
42. Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
Nothing heightens the tension and creates drama like the statement, "There are plenty of men who would treat me much better than you do. I think it's time I find one." Maybe he stirs the pot by announcing, "I'm done with this crap. This marriage is over." Even if you know it's an empty threat, it still feels like a punch in the gut.
43. Uses neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
Your abuser wants to make you suffer, so he or she will just stop participating in the relationship. Maybe he or she will stop coming home at night or take trips away from home without telling you. After arguments, he or she might take off in the car and neglect to call so you will worry.

Character Assassination
44. Belittles, insults, or berates you in front of other people.
Your spouse or partner waits until there's an audience of people you care about, and then the insults begin. The slights may be subtle or more direct, but everyone in the room feels the tension in the air and knows what's going on.

Even if your friends and family don't believe the insults, you feel humiliated and shamed nonetheless.
45. Puts down your physical appearance or intellect.
"When are you going to lose weight? I don't want to be with a fatty." "How stupid can you be? Even a kid knows better than that!" Appearance and intellect are the two easiest targets for an abuser, especially if he feels insecure about his own looks or intellect. If the attacks happen often enough, you begin to feel ugly and stupid. You worry that if you leave the relationship, no one else would ever want you. In fact, your abuser may remind you of that fear frequently.
46. Belittles and trivializes you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
Whatever successes you've enjoyed, whatever achievements you've obtained, whatever goals you set-your abuser will find a way to minimize them. You won't see pride shining in his or her eyes for your success. Instead, you'll see jealousy, contempt, or passivity. The one person whose good opinion matters most to you refuses to give you a morsel of praise or support.
47. Tells you your feelings are irrational or crazy.
Maybe you are sensitive, sentimental, caring, affectionate, and loving.

You might have a soft spot for the pain of others or feel emotions intensely. You might simply want a hug, a calm conversation, a loving response, or a supportive comment. Your abuser isn't capable of showing these emotions or doesn't know how to. So he or she derides you for having them. Your feelings have no value because they make your abuser feel "lesser than."
48. Turning other people against you.
Your abusive partner feels threatened by the positive attention, praise, or love shown to you by others. Rather than feeling proud of you and the way others respond to you, she'll throw you under the bus in front of others or behind your back.

She wants to taint your reputation in order to make herself look like the star or to prevent you from having outside influences or distractions.
49. Corrects or chastises you for your behavior.
No matter what you do, it never seems good enough for your partner. He or she is constantly pointing out what you do wrong or how you could be doing it better. You are made to feel incompetent and stupid, even when you have done your best.
50. Shares your personal information with others.
Your abusive partner uses your personal information as a weapon against you. If you've shared something private or shameful with your partner, he or she doesn't treat that information with dignity and compassion. Rather, it's seen as a useful tool for controlling, manipulating, and shaming you.

Gaslighting Techniques
51. Accuses you of being crazy or being the abusive partner.
You know she's lying, manipulating you, and treating you like dirt-or is she? You know you rarely feel loved, but she claims you are off your rails and unappreciative of the good treatment you receive. Any time you push back or question, even just a little, she loses it and claims you're being abusive. You feel completely trapped and confused.
52. Invalidates or denies their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
You finally have the courage to speak up to your partner about his or her behaviors, but you are met with a blank stare and a complete denial.

No matter how many examples you give or how convincing you might be, your abusive partner uses gaslighting and refuses to admit that he or she is emotionally abusive.
53. Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
He comes home with a brand-new sports car and swears the two of you discussed it. You know you didn't. You would never have felt comfortable spending that money on something so frivolous. But he's relentless in claiming he discussed it with you, and you were fine with it. Maybe he did. Maybe you're going crazy. You'd feel so bad if you were wrong about your memory.
54. Hijacks a conversation to confuse or divert the subject away from your needs.
You finally have the courage to express the pain and hurt you're feeling about her abusive behaviors, but before you can get through the first sentence, the conversation has suddenly become all about her.

Rather than listening to you, she starts yelling and complaining that you never listen to her and that you only care about yourself. Wait, what's happened here? You've completely lost your train of thought and what you wanted to communicate.
55. Plays intentional mind games.
Whether it's conscious or not, your partner has an uncanny way of jerking you around with his words. One minute he says he loves you more than anyone, but the next he's pushing you away and refusing your affection. She swears she only has eyes for you, but she waits until you're watching to flirt openly with your neighbor. It's like your partner wants to make you crazy.
56. Blames you for his or her bad behavior.
He says he wouldn't drink so much if you weren't so demanding. She says that the only reason she yells at the kids is that you don't show her enough love. Whatever your abuser's bad behavior happens to be, you are the cause of it. And the argument your partner presents is so compelling, you start to believe it yourself.
57. Accuses or blames you for things that aren't true, such as infidelity.
You have opened your calendar, your phone, and your computer to your partner to prove your innocence. You've offered to give him proof that you were indeed doing what you said you were doing.

But nothing is going to convince him that you aren't lying. You will be accused and blamed, even when it becomes clear you aren't at fault. Logic and truth mean nothing to your abuser.
58. Accuses you of being "too sensitive" in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
Your abuser's snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors are all in your head. You are just too sensitive to see things clearly. At least that's what your abuser wants you to think. He wants you to believe he is the grown-up, while you are just an overly-needy child.
59. Tries to make you feel as though he or she is always right, and you are wrong.
You may know in your heart of hearts that you are right about something. It could be trivial or important, but your abuser digs in and won't admit that you are right.

He or she is so convincing and adamant that you begin to doubt yourself.
60. Makes excuses for their behavior, tries to blame others and has difficulty apologizing.
Your abusive partner never steps up to personal responsibility. He or she deflects and blames rather than acknowledging and apologizing. You've lost complete respect for your partner because of his or her inability to own the issues that a causing so many problems.
61. Blames you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
All of the bad things that happen to your partner are your fault. At least that's what your partner thinks. If he or she is depressed, lost a job, or has some other difficulty, you are the reason it's happening.

If only you were a better partner, he or she would finally be happy and successful. If you hear this enough, you begin to believe it.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it's happening. If you observe any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal.

For those who've been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety.

You simply can't allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A professional licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves - even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, put you down, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend's house.

Don't engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don't engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to soothe him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can't "fix" them. You can't make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You'll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated "interventions."

You are not to blame. If you've been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can't remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Can an emotional abuser change?

It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change.

The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to author Lundy Bancroft,here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

Admit fully to what they have done.

Stop making excuses and blaming.

Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process - not declaring themselves "cured."

Not demanding credit for improvements they've made.

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. "I haven't done anything like this in a long time, so it's not a big deal).

Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

Carry their weight and sharing power.

Change how they act in heated conflicts.

Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

Are you seeing the warning signs of emotional abuse? Then click here to get the Emotional Abuse Test that has been taken by over 200,000 people.

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61 Devastating Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

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Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Unlike physical abuse, which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse in relationship can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim is fully aware it's happening.