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When we experience social pain - a snub, a cruel word - the feeling is as real as physical pain. That finding is among those in a new book, , and it is part of scientist Matthew Lieberman's case that our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water. He answered questions from Mind Matters editor Gareth Cook.

You argue that our need to connect socially is "powerful." But just how powerful is it?

Different cultures have different beliefs about how important social connection and interdependence are to our lives. In the West, we like to think of ourselves as relatively immune to sway of those around us while we each pursue our personal destiny. But I think this is a story we like to tell ourselves rather than what really happens.

Across many studies of mammals, from the smallest rodents all the way to us humans, the data suggests that we are profoundly shaped by our social environment and that we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed. When this happens in childhood it can lead to long-term health and educational problems. We may not like the fact that we are wired such that our well-being depends on our connections with others, but the facts are the facts.

What is the connection between physical pain and social pain? Why is this insight important?

Languages around the world use pain language to express social pain ("she broke my heart", "he hurt my feelings"), but this could have all just have been a metaphor. As it turns out it is more than a metaphor - social pain is real pain.

With respect to understanding human nature, I think this finding is pretty significant. The things that cause us to feel pain are things that are evolutionary recognized as threats to our survival and the existence of social pain is a sign that evolution has treated social connection like a necessity, not a luxury. It also alters our motivational landscape. We tend to assume that people's behavior is narrowly self-interested, focused on getting more material benefits for themselves and avoiding physical threats and the exertion of effort. But because of how social pain and pleasure are wired into our operating system, these are motivational ends in and of themselves. We don't focus on being connected solely in order to extract money and other resources from people - being connected needs no ulterior motive.

This has major consequences for how we think about structuring our organizations and institutions. At businesses worldwide, pay for performance is just about the only incentive used to motivate employees. However, praise and an environment free from social threats are also powerful motivators. Because social pain and pleasure haven't been a part of our theory of "who we are" we tend not to use these social motivators as much as we could.

You devote a section of your book to what you call "mindreading." What do you mean by this, and why do you see it as so essential?

First off, I'm not referring to the ESP kind of mindreading. I mean the everyday variety that each of us use in most social interactions. We have a profound proclivity towards trying to understand the thoughts and feelings bouncing around inside the skulls of people we interact with, characters on television, and even animated shapes moving around a computer screen. Although we are far from perfect at gleaning the actual mental states of others, the fact that we can do this at all gives us an unparalleled ability to cooperate and collaborate with others - using their goals to help drive our own behavior.

The funny thing is that thinking about others' thoughts doesn't feel particularly different from most kinds of analytical thinking we do. Yet, fMRI research shows that there are two distinct networks that support social and non-social thinking and that as one network increases its activity the other tends to quiet down - kind of like a neural seesaw. Here's the really fascinating thing. Whenever we finish doing some kind of non-social thinking, the network for social thinking comes back on like a reflex - almost instantly.

Why would the brain be set up to do this? We have recently found that this reflex prepares us to walk into the next moment of our lives focused on the minds behind the actions that we see from others. Evolution has placed a bet that the best thing for our brain to do in any spare moment is to get ready to see the world socially. I think that makes a major statement about the extent to which we are built to be social creatures.

One of the long-standing mysteries of psychology is the question of where the "self" comes from, and what the "self" even means. Does your research shed any light on this question?

Social psychologists have long speculated that the self is a much more social phenomenon then it intuitively feels like from the inside. There have certainly been studies over the years that are consistent with this idea, however neuroscience is bringing new data to bear that speaks directly to this idea.

There's a region of the brain called "medial prefrontal cortex" that essentially sits between your eyes. This region has been shown again and again to be activated the more a person is reflecting on themselves. It is the region that most clearly and unambiguously is associated with "self-processing." If you think about your favorite flavor of ice-cream, precious personal memories, or consider aspects of your personality (e.g. Are you generous? Are you messy?) you are likely to recruit this brain region.

Given that we tend to think of the self as the thing that separates us from others - that allows us to know how we are different and how to walk our own path - it would be surprising if this same medial prefrontal region was involved in allowing the beliefs of others to influence our own. But this is exactly what we have seen in several studies. The more active the medial prefrontal region is when someone is trying to persuade you of something (e.g. to wear sunscreen everyday) the more likely you'll be to change your tune and start using sunscreen regularly. Rather than being a hermetically sealed vault that separates us from others, our research suggests that the self is more of a Trojan horse, letting in the beliefs of others, under the cover of darkness and without us realizing it. This socially-influenced self helps to ensure that we'll have the same kind of beliefs and values as those of the people around us and this is a great catalyst for social harmony.

What does this research tell us about how we should be raising our children, and what does it mean for education?
I think the most important thing is to educate our children about what we are learning about the true role of our social nature in our happiness and success in life. Intellectually, I know all about these things, but if we don't learn them as children, I'm not sure they ever really get into our guts and guide our intuitive decision-making. I think kids would love learning about how the social world works and how their brain makes that possible.

The research on the social brain also leads to direct policy implications for education. The data are clear that children learn better when they learn in order to teach someone else than when they learn in order to take a test. Learning to teach someone else is prosocial and relies on the social networks of the brain. We had no idea these networks could promote memory but now we do. We ought to be doing much more peer learning, particularly age-staggered learning. My ideal situation would be a 14 year who has trouble in the classroom being assigned to teach a 12 year old. The teacher then becomes a coach helping to teach the 12 year old and the 14 year old will reap the benefits of prosocial learning.

Are you a scientist who specializes in neuroscience, cognitive science, or psychology? And have you read a recent peer-reviewed paper that you would like to write about? Please send suggestions to Mind Matters editor Gareth Cook, a Pulitzer prize-winning journalist and regular contributor to NewYorker.com. Gareth is also the series editor of Best American Infographics, and can be reached at garethideas AT gmail.com or Twitter @garethideas.

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Scientist Matthew Lieberman uncovers the neuroscience of human connections-and the broad implications for how we live our lives

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The Value and Importance of Human Connections

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The Value and Importance of Human Connection. In this TED Talk, Rita Pierson, a teacher for 40 years, talks about the value and importance of human connection and why no significant learning can occur in life without a significant relationship... Such a beautiful and profound talk.

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Many people are so unhappy that they find a therapist or counselor to work through their struggles. Plenty more people are content enough with their lives. But some are truly happy. Where does that happiness come from? Does money buy it? Self-confidence? Safety? Support systems? A fulfilling job? Pets? Everyone's combination of life experience is different, but repeated studies have identified that some groups tend to be happier than others. Recent studies have looked a bit closer at the happiness quotient of two specific (though very different) groups: people who live in "walkable" neighborhoods, and people who are involved in church. Both had one major factor in common: human relationships.

First, churchgoers. Religion's "secret ingredient" for making people happy, says the study, is the social ties people build when involved in a religious community. This is not to say that private spirituality is without positive psychological value; past studies have found that spirituality reduces both stress and depression. But those who attend church and build relationships there are consistently happier than those who attend and do not build relationships. Second, the study on walkable neighborhoods and well-being. Walkable neighborhoods provide easy access to post offices, parks, restaurants, playgrounds, barbershops, and club meeting venues. People who live in walkable neighborhoods tend to build "social capital" - they are more likely to meet people, become involved in community volunteer work, build relationships through that work, and ultimately feel happier.

Human connection brings complex values to our lives: relationships give us a sense of belonging in the group, a sense of identity in contrast to others in that group, an almost therapeutic-support system, and reason not to feel lonely. We learn from others' experiences and insight, and we learn together by pursuing new experiences alongside those we befriend. And on a very basic level, therapy involves this principle as well. Sitting and reading a book about psychology will rarely be as beneficial as sitting and talking with a therapist or counselor. It's the interactive exchange that makes all the difference.

© Copyright 2010 by By John Smith, therapist in Bellingham, Washington. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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Many people are so unhappy that they find a therapist or counselor to work through their struggles. Plenty more people are content enough with their lives. But some are truly happy. Where does that happiness come from? Does money buy it? Self-confidence? Safety? Support systems? A fulfilling job? Pets?

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When I wrote about how loneliness contributed to my chronic illness recently, it generated quite a response from readers who sent me emails to share their own experiences. I discovered that I'm not alone in being affected by loneliness. It made me realise that since I released my documentary and started this blog a wonderfully strong and supportive community has been building. It's an incredible thing and the response prompted me to dive a little deeper into the opposite of loneliness - connection.

When you think about it from an evolutionary perspective, the health benefits of being connected to others make a lot of sense. In comparison to other animals, early humans didn't have a lot going for them. In wild Paleolithic days, early men and women weren't particularly fast or strong, so individuals needed all the support they could get just to stay alive. Living in social groups meant there were more people to help with the hunting and gathering of food, bringing up the kids, and fending off attackers. Getting along with others was essential to your survival. This means that in the same way we have basic needs for food, water and shelter, we also have a basic need for connectedness. In fact, anthropologists have determined that the strongest predictor of a species' brain size (specifically, the size of its neocortex, the outermost layer) is the size of its social group⁠. In other words, we have big brains in order to socialise.

But what exactly is this human connection, why is it so good for us and how can we get more of it?

The search term 'What Is Love?' consistently ranks among the highest on Google. Unfortunately it is more easily experienced than defined. You know it when you feel it but love is hard to pin down, especially if you're a scientist trying to work out why it is so beneficial to our health and wellbeing. There are of course many kinds of love. The love I have for my son is very different from the love I have for my husband. This comfortable love I feel for him has developed over time but it is different from the special kind of intimacy that I have with my best friend. I also have a general love of life and for humanity, and there is a new kind of self-love I'm coming to know which inspires me to make healthy life choices. The kinds of love I feel for my parents, partner, child, friends, relatives, neighbours, country and even God all have different qualities. Love can be blind, misguided, passionate, unreciprocated, secure, painful and unconditional, but when all is said and done, scientists will tell you that love is basically just chemistry.

At every stage of the human experience of love your brain and body are flooded with a range of different hormones that influence your behaviour, mood and even your health. These hormones include dopamine (associated with pleasure and reward), serotonin (the feel good hormone), oestrogen (the primary female sex hormone), testosterone (the male sex hormone) and a whole host of others. But when it comes to the health benefits of love, one particular hormone is worth singling out. Oxytocin.

Oxytocin has many names including 'the cuddle hormone,' 'the trust hormone,' 'the moral molecule,' and even 'the great facilitator of life⁠.' Essentially, it takes the centre stage when it comes to social bonding and attachment, encouraging our relationships throughout life from the moment we bond with our parents to the forming of romantic relationships as adults. It's around during life's big moments, abundantly present during sexual intercourse, childbirth and breastfeeding, but it's also around during everyday moments like when you play with your kids⁠.

As researchers delve ever deeper into the function and purpose of this ubiquitous love hormone, they're discovering that oxytocin also has a significant role as a powerful immune regulator. By tuning down the stress response, it helps to buffer its negative effects. It does this in part by suppressing the stress hormone cortisol. It also modulates activity in the amygdala, your brain's stress centre. Under the influence of oxytocin, parts of your amygdala that tune into threats are turned down.

This is not to say that oxytocin somehow dulls your senses. It actually heightens your attunement to social cues. For instance, you become more attentive of people's eyes⁠ and subtle facial expressions. One of my favourite titles for a study I read while looking into all this was called Oxytocin improves "mind-reading" in humans, though rather than uncovering a sixth sense, the researchers were referring to the fact that oxytocin improves our ability to read and understand the mental state of others. The sum of all this scientific inquiry leads researchers to cast oxytocin as the leading character in what they call the calm and connect response, which is contrasted with the fight or flight response I've explored previously in this blog.

If you're looking for ways to naturally boost your own cuddle/trust/moral/love hormone levels, aside from giving birth, breast feeding, having a skin-to-skin cuddle with your baby, and having sex, here are some proven ways to go about it, with links to the scientific research to prove it:

* Look for appropriate opportunities to hug people, or maybe try high fives if you don't have a touchy feely office environment
* Pet an animal, in particular dogs
* Book yourself in for a therapeutic massage or get your partner to give you one
* Eat a good meal, bonus points for sharing the meal with others
* Express empathy towards another person
* Watch a movie or a read a book with an inspiring story line
* Practice Loving Kindness Meditation

I'd love to hear from readers in the comments below if you have some other oxytocin booster tips and tricks.

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What Is Love? The Human Need for Connection - The Connection

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When I wrote about how loneliness contributed to my chronic illness recently, it generated quite a response from readers who sent me emails to share their own experiences. I discovered that I'm not alone in being affected by loneliness.

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The Power of Human Connection | Mary Davidson | TEDxYouth@IdahoFalls

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Pixar is arguably one of the greatest storytellers of our generation.

Over the years, they've won 13 Academy Awards, 9 Golden Globes, and 11 Grammys.

Effective storytelling involves a deep understanding of human emotions, motivations, and psychology in order to truly move an audience.

Luckily, storytelling is something we all do naturally, starting at a very young age. But there's a difference between good storytelling and great storytelling.

I recently stumbled across Pixar's 22 rules of storytelling - here are the top six we can all learn from.

"Storytelling is the greatest technology that humans have ever created." - Jon Westenberg

1. Great stories are universal

Great storytelling is about taking a piece of the human condition (so things like birth, growth, emotionality, aspiration, conflict) and conveying it in a unique situation.

Acclaimed Pixar director Pete Docter puts it perfectly:

"What you're trying to do, when you tell a story, is to write about an event in your life that made you feel some particular way. And what you're trying to do, when you tell a story, is to get the audience to have that same feeling."

One way you can do this is to pull apart the stories you like.

Break down every little element about what you love about them. Those are real feelings you're having and you have to recognize them in detail in order to tell a great story yourself.
In other words, self knowledge and awareness are at the the root of all great storytelling.
You are part of the human condition and people will relate to that.

2. Great stories have a clear structure and purpose
Part A (Structure)
One of my favorite ways to develop a compelling story is to use " The Story Spine " formula created by professional playwright and improvisor Kenn Adams.

Pixar has used this story structure to create so many films we know and love today.

It goes:
Once upon a time there was [blank]. Every day, [blank]. One day [blank]. Because of that, [blank]. Until finally [bank].
The Story Spine - Emma Coats

Give the Story Spine a shot to help develop a truly unique story to tell.
Part B (Purpose)
As Pixar writes:

Why must you tell THIS story?

What's the belief burning within you that your story feeds off of?

What greater purpose does this serve? What does it teach?

That's the heart of really great storytelling.
By crafting a story that you are passionate to tell because it serves a real purpose, your stories will have bigger impact on the world.
I think that gets lost a lot of the time.

3. Great stories have a character to root for (an underdog)

Believe it or not, people want to root for you (the main character).

AND they love a good underdog.

This might seem straightforward but it's worth keeping in mind anytime you're creating a story.

Pixar explains that we as the audience admire a character for trying more than for their success. In other words, it's more about the character's journey than it is their actual destination.

When your character is battling against all odds, facing adversity, or their back is against the wall, well then, you have yourself the makings of great story.
In our modern society, for example, everyone loves a good "rags to riches" story. How many times has Forbes published an article about the fearless entreprenuer that dropped everything, almost failed dozens of times along the way, yet still managed to create a multi-million dollar business?

Give the people an unexpected hero to root for.

4. Great stories appeal to our deepest emotions

Psychologists generally agree that there are six basic emotions: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise.

If you ever watched the Pixar movie Inside Out, you'll recognize these emotions as characters in the movie.

The more you understand how/when your own emotional levers are pulled, the more you'll appreciate how that works in other people (and the more you'll be able to hone those emotions in your stories).

Consciously being to recognize these various emotions in yourself -and think about the "why".
Why are you feeling a certain way? How might you be able to take the "why" behind your emotions and tell a story?
Continuously question yourself in order to understand your own emotional reactions to stories so that you can learn to tell more authentic stories that reach and move people where it counts.

5. Great stories are surprising and unexpected

We've all seen the classic "fairytale" storyline: a helpless princess in need and a charming prince swooping in to save the day.
Boring (and totally outdated). What makes modern stories compelling are when our perceptions of reality are challenged or changed in some way.
Creators like Pixar and Walt Disney use animated movies as vehicles to address real-life phenomenons, issues, stereotypes, and norms.

Movies such as Brave, Coco, Tangled, and Moana help us to understand and reflect on big, human-centered topics that we might not otherwise take time out of our day to think about.

Many times those topics or themes are surprising and unexpected, leaving the audience thinking about the story well after it is over.

If you're stuck on coming up with something truly unique, Pixar recommends to get rid of the 1st thing that comes to mind - and then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

Challenge yourself to dig deep.

6. Great stories are simple and focused

We as audiences know a good story when we see or hear one.

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book where you had to keep asking yourself (or someone else) what was happening in the plot?

Not a great experience.
As creators, we naturally want to include as much information as possible in our stories. We want to pack the story full of characters and plot twists and dialogue.
And often times we might not even realize that we're adding layers that don't need to be there.

Pixar's advice here is to "combine characters and hop over detours."

While you as the creator may feel like you're losing lots of valuable stuff, it'll set you free in the end and will allow your audience to get lost in the narrative.

One way to find out if your story is easy to follow is to tell it to a friend or family member who has never heard it before. Watch their face as you read it and try to see where they pause and what questions they might have.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

22 Rules for Storytelling by Pixar
6 Rules for Great Storytelling originally appeared on the Buffer Podcast:

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6 Rules of Great Storytelling (As Told by Pixar)

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Effective storytelling involves a deep understanding of human emotions, motivations, and psychology in order to truly move an audience. Luckily, storytelling is something we all do naturally...

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- Hey Pete. - Oh hey Val. - How's it goin'? - You know what, I'm havin' a really bad day. - What happened? - See what Val's saying when she says, "What happened," is, tell me a story. And that's actually what this season of Pixar in a Box is all about. To make a movie here at Pixar takes years, but it all starts with a story. Humans have been telling stories since we could speak, probably before. We tell stories around the campfire, we write plays, we write novels, short stories. We make movies, we take photographs, tweet to each other, the list goes on. The power of story is that it has an ability to connect with people on an emotional level. One of the things you hear all the time, this advice, is write what you know. Now, as a kid I was like, I don't want to write about suburban Minnesota, that's boring. I wanna write about explosions and monsters and car chases. Well, what that actually means is, yeah go ahead and write about monsters and explosions and car chases, but put something into it that talks about your own life, how you feel. Do you feel scared? Do you feel alone? Something from your own life will make that story come alive and not just be a boring car chase. - (mumbles) - When I started directing Monsters, Incorporated, the way I would pitch it is, it's about a monster who scares kids for a living. That's his job. He clocks in, he clocks out, he eats donuts and talks about union dues, and we thought that was a pretty funny idea. And sure enough, when I would tell it to people, they would smile. But when we told the story as a film, people started getting bored and restless and they're like, "I don't understand "what this movie's about." Well, what I finally figured out was that it's actually not about a monster who scares kids, it's about a man becoming a father. (laughing) That was what was happening to me. So, why write about what you know? Well, it's because, probably what happened to you made you feel some particular way. And what you're trying to do really when you tell a story, is to get the audience to have that same feeling. One of the big revelations for me telling stories, is how much work they are, really. I always thought, you would just tell the story once, and it would be perfect. And geniuses like Walt Disney or Miyazaki, this brilliance comes out of their head once, and there it is. Well the truth is, our stories don't always come out exactly perfectly the first time, or the second time, or the third time, or the fourth time, up to the 30th time. And so you keep going again and again. And only after retelling the story many, many times, does it really sparkle. This season of Pixar in a Box is about how we at Pixar tell our stories, in hopes that it will inspire you to tell yours. - But, seriously, what happened? - Oh, oh, so the first thing. I get to my desk, right? It's eight o'clock in the morning...

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Introduction to storytelling (video) | Khan Academy

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Hey Pete. - Oh hey Val. - How's it goin'? - You know what, I'm havin' a really bad day. - What happened? - See what Val's saying when she says, "What happened," is, tell me a story. And that's actually what this season of Pixar in a Box is all about.

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Why storytelling is so powerful in the digital era | Ashley Fell | TEDxUniMelb

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iPad storyteller Joe Sabia introduces us to Lothar Meggendorfer, who created a bold technology for storytelling: the pop-up book. Sabia shows how new technology has always helped us tell our own stories, from the walls of caves to his own onstage iPad.

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Education Week - Learning Is Social & Emotional

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Years of dedicated research and practice have demonstrated that social and emotional intelligence now stands out as a better predictor of long-term life success than academic proficiency alone. This makes sense when you consider that the three most identifiable reasons for failure at work relate to social and emotional intelligence: difficulty in handling change, inability to work well on a team, and poor interpersonal relations.

Of course, the traditional literacies (reading, writing, and numeracy) and the technical knowledge associated with the highly specialized professions of today are foundational, non-negotiable elements of success. Whether an engineer, surgeon, accountant, psychologist, journalist, or teacher, one simply must possess the cognitive specialization associated with his or her field.

But in an environment where the knowledge undergirding practice is constantly growing, the ability to continue to learn, and the various elements of social emotional intelligence, especially empathy, are now recognized as essential components of effective service to others.

I single out empathy because it truly is unique in the constellation of attributes that comprise social emotional intelligence. Why? Because, unlike self-regulation, resilience, purpose, vitality, curiosity, and other elements of social emotional intelligence, empathy always includes other people, transcends the self, and involves interpersonal relationships.

For teachers, empathy is an indispensable tool of instruction, and arguably, the key attribute (beyond knowledge of content, pedagogy, and student development) to being an effective teacher. I learned the importance of empathy in the lives of teachers firsthand in my role as director of a site of the National Writing Project where, with a team of outstanding teacher leaders, I led professional development for hundreds of teachers focused on writing. While the goal of our organization was to improve student outcomes related to writing performance, we discovered through experience that the most transformative action we could take to support student writing was to help teachers develop their own writing lives. That is, to help them take on the task of writing from the inside out, and to embrace their own identities as writers.

I know it sounds touchy-feely, but moving from assigning and grading writing to working on one's own writing and then bringing that hard-earned knowledge to one's students is no small task, and for some the transition was really painful. However, through a disciplined focus on helping teachers overcome their own barriers to writing well, over and over we saw real transformation in the way teachers approached the teaching of writing in their classrooms, and the downstream impact on students, classrooms, and the teachers themselves was demonstrable.

Specifically, we saw increased student writing achievement in areas including content, structure, stance, sentence fluency, diction, and writing conventions. Perhaps more importantly, we saw increased engagement with writing as teachers stepped into modeling their own writing processes including their mis-starts, mistakes, and successes.

There are many tools and pathways for the development of empathy associated with a variety of disciplines, e.g., through the language arts in reading, listening, researching and writing about people from other languages and cultures, through deepening our understanding of our interconnectedness with nature, through class and schoolwide dialogues and projects, and through technological tools, like , that connect classrooms across communities and countries.

By asking teachers to take on the writer's identity, we were also inviting them to cultivate empathy for their students, and this is just what the teachers with whom we worked said they experienced. As one veteran high school teacher said,"I understand now on a really deep level what my students go through when they try to craft any piece of writing. I've taught 21 years and I'd lost touch with what it's like to be a student. Everything I give them now I have that new dimension, that empathy, for what they have to do as writers."

If we want our students to reach their full potential - socially, emotionally, and academically - we must remember that social intelligence and empathy must be experienced from the inside out. Empathy is much more than a check box on a curriculum, an intervention to stop bullying, or a tool to improve school and classroom climate. In a world of increasing global connectivity, technological innovation, urbanization, demographic shifts, and constant change, empathy, arguably, is the foundation of life success.
Dr. Paul M. Rogers is an associate professor of English at George Mason University, a strategic advisor for the world's 6th ranked NGO, Ashoka: Innovators for the Public, and a Senior Scholar at George Mason's Center for the Advancement of Well Being. He is also the Chair and co-founder of the International Society for the Advancement of Writing Research.

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Learning Is Social & Emotional Contributor

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Years of dedicated research and practice have demonstrated that social and emotional intelligence now stands out as a better predictor of long-term life success than academic proficiency alone. This makes sense when you consider that the three most identifiable reasons for failure at work relate to social and emotional intelligence: difficulty in handling change, inability to work well on a team, and poor interpersonal relations.

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As a kid in Worcester, Massachusetts I remember how missionaries dressed in full black suits would brave the summer heat to come "enlighten" my family. If my father (a raised Hindu who is more spiritual than religious) was home he would carry out long, philosophical debates with them in the doorway. I loved it. But what I loved more, as I grew older, was my mother's approach. She invited the missionaries in as the fans blasted, offering them refreshments and listening to them while they dried off and hydrated. She'd take a little bible, thank them, and let them go on to the next house. She believed 99% of what my father said about inclusive spirituality, but looked at the missionaries primarily as fellow human beings- and that was enough to show them love.

My mother put ALL her life's energy into addressing every need her family had with compassion, or caring deeply about the welfare of people half a world away. And it absolutely drained her. She didn't take care of herself. Later in life I think she started feeling a like the energy her husband and her children put into "saving the world" may have been well spent helping her out at home. This isn't a one-off case.

Studies of health and human services professionals reveal the phenomena of "compassion fatigue". Core to this phenomena is the tendency to sacrifice one's own needs for others' - in response to empathetic feelings. Nurses reported feelings of trauma and anxiety, others started facing performance issues including absenteeism and medication administration errors. While I'm willing to guess that the people who pursue professions like nursing have a disproportionately high empathic capacity, they are also probably people who are so self-sacrificing they burn themselves out. Most people don't care this much about every living being - and those that do usually hit a limit. It's just too exhausting. So we choose, however subconsciously, where to put our energy - our heart.

Last year, researchers at Northwestern showed how "expanse of empathy" correlates with political ideology. Liberals, on average, define their spheres of empathic concern, both ideal and actual, more broadly than conservatives. Conservative "Empathy Circle" vs. Liberal "Empathy Circle" = family vs. friends, nation vs. world, and humans vs. other living beings. For many of you, that conclusion is unsurprising.

But, does this mean liberals are more empathetic? Not necessarily. It all comes down to whether each individual holds a fixed empathic capacity. While conservatives have smaller circles of empathy maybe the level of empathy they express per person or group is much more intense than liberals. In other words, the more widely empathy is distributed the less energy may be available to put towards any one person, group or cause. Or, maybe both liberals and conservatives are similarly intense, but very different in their focus. In other words, one group could treat "outsiders" worse while the other treats "insiders" worse.

This idea has important implications. I bang my head against the wall talking to people who don't seem to care about the well-being of anyone beyond their blood line or ethnic group, particularly after the 2016 presidential election. But, I can't help but wonder, are some of the people who seem heartless when it comes to refugees, Muslims, and Mexican migrants actually way more empathetic and kind towards their own family and community than I am? You might be this kind of person, or be related to one. If not, read the statements of some thoughtful Trump-voters here. One nurse laments,

" I'm seeing a barrage of patients coming in from different countries. An Iraqi immigrant came in last night, he needs dialysis. He will never be productive in the U.S., he will always be dependent on Medicaid. I feel for him, I want to help him, but we have to take care of our own people first. Driving to work yesterday, I saw three homeless people. They need our help."

As a social impact professional I've repeatedly observed an apparent "empathy trade-off". When working at the United Nations I noticed that a lot of people with great global ideals and sense of social justice had broken marriages, and were cheating on their spouses left and right. It was common knowledge for people with the UN system that UNHCR, one of the most important and intense agencies, had a 90% or so divorce rate. The more I studied historical figureheads we treat as saints, I learned about how they neglected the people close to them. Gandhi is no exception. His son didn't get much of his time. His wife was forced into celibacy after he committed to a life of abstinence -without seeking her approval. To test his ability to remain celibate Gandhi would have underage girls lay in bed with him - just so he could convince himself he wasn't aroused even in the most attractive circumstances. Perhaps worst of all, he denied his wife a lifesaving medication in protest of colonial products, but later took similar medicines to protect his own life.

It's true.

At the same time, I constantly meet people who aren't the most global, but who are incredibly selfless when it comes to their families and local community (e.g., neighbors, church groups, local cultural networks). I remember a fellow intern at the Clinton Foundation Domestic Policy team ask me once,

"Sometimes, I don't want to do all this policy stuff...I just want to be a good dad and husband, and coach my son's little league team - is that bad?". "No", I responded. "Because if everyone did that then maybe we'd all be better off."

It turns out we have some compelling evidence on the "limits of empathy" and "empathy depletion", largely from the world of management and organizational behavior. Harvard Business Review did a wonderful piece which makes exactly this case: empathy is a zero-sum game, it depletes itself. The more you have for your spouse the less you have for your colleague, etc.

"Sometimes the zero-sum problem leads to another type of trade-off: empathy towards insiders can limit our capacity to empathize with people outside our immediate circles".

A 2009 study researched this "trade-off" by surveying the empathic behaviors of 844 workers at work and at home, across sectors. Consistently, people who reported workplace behaviors such as listening to coworkers problems and helping those with heavy workloads felt less capable of connecting with their families at home.

I meet a lot of people who don't seem to care about those less fortunate than them AND are pretty horrible to their family. But, there are many many others who really seem to be caring and trying to help in one way or another. The fact that they can't care for everyone may literally be because it's tiring. Empathizing with every living being is incredibly exhausting. There are a handful of people I see who push that boundary of being incredibly empathetic to family, community, the wider human world and all living beings at the same time. But, most of them seem to reach a point of being burned out and psychologically troubled. They usually don't take care of themselves. I've been there myself. The only exception I can think of are genuinely enlightened Buddhist monks.

Before we judge people for who they do and do not care about we have to look at the limits of our own empathy. Maybe when we judge people for their "us vs. them" mentality, without understanding their perspective and experience ,we're just perpetuating the same problem we want to fix.

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Are you more empathetic than you think, or less empathetic than you know?

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As a kid in Worcester, Massachusetts I remember how missionaries dressed in full black suits would brave the summer heat to come "enlighten" my family. If my father (a raised Hindu who is more spiritual than religious) was home he would carry out long, philosophical debates with them in the doorway.

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Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character. Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately. It involves experiencing another person's point of view, rather than just one's own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced.

Some surveys indicate that empathy is on the decline in the United States and elsewhere, findings that motivate parents, schools, and communities to support programs that help people of all ages enhance and maintain their ability to walk in each other's shoes.

Empathy helps us cooperate with others, build friendships, make moral decisions, and intervene when we see others being bullied. Humans begin to show signs of empathy in infancy and the trait develops steadily through childhood and adolescence. Still, most people are likely to feel greater empathy for people like themselves and may feel less empathy for those outside their family, community, ethnicity, or race.

Empathy helps us connect and help others, but like other traits, it may have evolved with a selfish motive: using others as a "social antenna" to help detect danger. From an evolutionary perspective, creating a mental model of another person's intent is critical: the arrival of an interloper, for example, could be deadly, so developing sensitivity to the signals of others could be life-saving.

Babies display an understanding that people's actions are guided by intentions and are able to act on that understanding before they are 18 months old, including trying to comfort a parent. More advanced reasoning about other people's thoughts develops by around age 5 or 6, and research shows that parents who promote and model empathy raise more empathetic children.

Empathy, sympathy, and compassion are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Sympathy is feeling of concernfor someone else, and a desire that they become happier or better off, while empathy involves sharing the other person's emotions. Compassion is an empathic understanding of a person's feelings accompanied by altruism, or a desire to act on that person's behalf.

Researchers believe people can choose to cultivate and prioritize empathy. People who spend more time with individuals different from themselves tend to adopt a more empathic outlook toward others. Other research finds that reading novels can help foster the ability to put ourselves in the minds of others. Meditation has also been shown to help cultivate brain states that increase empathy.

Some neuroscientists have advanced the concept of "mirror neurons" as a possible source of empathy. These neurons, it is theorized, enhance the capacity to display, read, and mimic emotional signals through facial expressions and other forms of body language, enhancing empathy. But whether mirror neurons actually operate this way in humans is a subject of longstanding scientific debate, and some scientists question their very existence.

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The ability to convey support for a partner, relative, or friend is crucial to establishing positive relationships. Empathy enables us to establish rapport with another person, make them feel that they are being heard, and, through words and body language, mimic their emotions. Perspective-taking, or the empathic ability to assume the cognitive state of another person and see a problem through their eyes, can further cement a connection.

In healthy relationships, people expect their partners to empathize with them when they face hardship or personal struggles, but the ability to empathize with a partner in good times may be at least as important. In one study, displaying empathy for a partner's positive emotions was five times more beneficial for relationship satisfaction than only empathizing with his or her negative emotions.

People high in narcissism, or who have narcissistic personality disorder, can exhibit empathy and even compassion. However, that ability only goes so far, as ultimately their own needs come first. Some researchers believe narcissists can develop greater empathy by developing greater self-compassion, which can increase their own feelings of security and self-worth and enable them to open up to hearing others.

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can be beneficial, but when it becomes one's default mode of relating to others, it can blind an individual to their own needs and even make them vulnerable to those who would take advantage of them.

First responders, humanitarian aid workers, doctors, therapists, journalists, and others whose work involves opening themselves up to others' pain tend to be highly empathic. However, they may come to share the heartbreak of those they help or whose stories they record. As such "emotional residue" accumulates, they may shut down, burn out, and become less willing or able to give of themselves.

Empaths are often characterized as being highly sensitive and overly focused on the needs of others. They may benefit from time alone, as they find it draining to be in the presence of other people. People who are very empathic are more likely to be targeted by manipulative individuals. For this reason, it is important to create healthy boundaries in all relationships, and to be cognizant of relationships with "energy vampires," who are draining to empaths and non-empaths alike.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

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Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character. Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately. It involves experiencing another person's point of view, rather than just one's own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced.