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Every time grief comes to me, it shows up differently.
The way it appears depends on the situation, the person who’s gone, the run up I’ve had to losing them and what else is going on at the same time.
What I’ve learned with each experience is that it is okay to really lean into what I am feeling. It’s okay that it really hurts. But it is also important to be kind to yourself and to those around you even in the depths of grief. When the grief starts to fade with the passing of time, this will help you build yourself back up.

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I'm not scared of death. I see it as a part of life and so, accept it. It is just one more event over which I have no control. Perhaps I am scared of dying. I wonder if the process is painful. Is birth is painful for the child? Is that why they cry? Hopefully, it is only momentary and there is comfort on the other side of death, as there is in life (for many). I pray that I die in my sleep, after a good meal and at a ripe old age. Hopefully, while I nap. Honestly, I'm more curious to know if there is anything on the other side. it feels like a call to adventure.... 

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I'm not scared of death. I see it as a part of life and so, accept it. It is just one more event over which I have no control. Perhaps I am scared of dying. I wonder if the process is painful. Is birth is painful for the child? Is that why they cry? Hopefully, it is only momentary and there is comfort on the other side of death, as there is in life (for many). I pray that I die in my sleep, after a good meal and at a ripe old age. Hopefully, while I nap. Honestly, I'm more curious to know if there is anything on the other side. it feels like a call to adventure.... 

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What are we allowed to say to children? 

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What are we allowed to say to children? 

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A year 8 boy's father died during the school year. He stopped working. Sometimes he was in class. Sometimes he wasn't. He talked a lot in class, but didn't write anything. The class teacher I was shadowing advised me to say nothing. She said "I don't know what to say". At parent's evening he was white and drawn. His mum mentioned IT The class teacher I was supporting dismissed IT. I followed her lead... I knew it was wrong... I know IT is never far from the heart that t
o ignore but wish I'd had better guidance from schools. I think we became part of the problem rather than the solution.

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Do not stand at my grave and weep
by Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quite birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

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I wrote a letter to a friend whose dad had died and shared my experiences of my own dad dying when I was 21. Through it I gained some perspective. They key refrain was: I don't need my dad to be alive to know..... and then I added things like .... how proud he would be of me now.... how amazed he would be to have grandchildren.....he's always in my heart. The experience of writing the letter was very cathartic.

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J'ai frôlé la mort à l'âge de cinq ans, suite à une opération qui s'est mal passée. Ce souvenir me revient souvent, comme si c'était hier. Cela fait 20 ans que je me bats contre ma phobie, cette angoisse constante d'avoir peur de la mort. Parfois, j'arrive à ne pas y penser. Et puis d'un coup elle vient me submerger, jusqu'à ce que je ne puisse plus respirer.
Et paradoxalement, vivre me fait du mal. Car je connais la finalité. Parfois, j'aimerais ne pas avoir eu la chance d'être née. Pour ne pas suffoquer en permanence. Pour ne pas connaître cette crainte si douloureuse et réellement handicapante.
J'ai, pour d'autres raisons, déjà essayé de mettre fin à ma vie. À plusieurs reprises. Cela m'a appris à quel point elle était importante et qu'il ne faut pas la gâcher.
Aujourd'hui, les angoisses sont toujours là. Mais j'essaie de les apprivoiser. De relativiser. Et je profite de chaque moment, qu'ils soient bons ou mauvais pour n'avoir aucun regret.

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Ma grand-mère....❤ toutes les expressions qu'elle avait,  les comptines qu'elle me chantait ....

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To the living, I am gone, 
To the sorrowful, I will never return, 
To the angry, I was cheated, 
But to the happy, I am at peace, 
And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak, but I can listen. 
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard. 
So as you stand upon a shore gazing at a beautiful sea, 
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity, 
Remember me.

Remember me in your heart: 
Your thoughts, and your memories, 
Of the times we loved, 
The times we cried, 
The times we fought, 
The times we laughed. 
For if you always think of me, I will never have gone.

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My dad survived for 25 years after his first major stroke, one of many that followed. My mum followed him 5 years later. This photo of them together was taken 2 years before he died. It reminds me of the better times, when the body was able to express and communicate more rather than the end and two strong role models who taught me to fight and be compassionate. I miss them!

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Conditional love caused my friend's death. Indoctrination in the place of education caused my friend's death. Judgement in the place of acceptance caused my friend's death. She was beautiful, she was fierce, she was loyal, she was loving, she was talented, she was a daughter, friend, sister. She was a child. She wasn't born a woman but chose to be one, and a brave one at that. And  that's what caused my friend's death. It's been a while, but it still hurts. Should I have done more? But could I have done more? I was all but one person in her world, could that have made her life better? We've put men, women and animals on the moon yet cannot fathom that a person can grow up and realise they've been born in a body that they do not feel comfortable in or identify with?  How restricted our growth has been. How shameful that we write, paint and sing about love yet only allow people to love the way we've been conditioned to think is fit.  We must learn to love  people the way they are, we must love people enough to let them forge their own path. We must love, but with a benevolent neglect that allows them to be brave enough to fall where they must, to clamour out of chasms where they must and grow regardless of how painful the growth is where they must, all on their own. We must love enough that no matter where their heart wanders, our love shines like a beacon so that they are assured they will have a home to come back to. A place of comfort no matter how far they have forayed from their path. A place of warmth no matter how many instances they have stumbled and fallen. We must love, enough that our love inspires others to love as well. For if we had loved enough, my friend would still be here among us. I will miss you friend, and will miss you every second until we meet next.

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People always say when you die young that you’re gone too soon or taken before your time. But what if some of us aren’t meant to live into old age? What if those few short years were all that was ever meant for us? What if our time on Earth was exactly how long was destined for us? What if we’re not gone too soon but just at the right time? Of course it’s devastating, of course it’s absolutely heart breaking, but what if there was nothing more planned for us? Life was good. Not just good. Life was incredible. Yes, it was shorter than the average person’s but it was lived to the full and not a single second was taken for granted. I loved hard and spoke with brutal honesty and exhausted everything the world had to offer me. I lived fiercely and with passion. I saw every colour of the sky and spent every sunny day counting the freckles on my nose. My life was lived in full colour and now I’m needed elsewhere. My life was not cut short, it was all it was meant to be. I was all I was ever meant to be.

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Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

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Everyone knows that death occurs. It's a sad fact of life. But somehow knowing this, it makes you appreciate life for what it is. Life is beautiful. Grieving is something that occurs everyday in life and some days it can feel like you're drowning in it. But it is also the force that pushes you through. It is what makes you appreciate those days where you can fight through and enjoy life for what it is.
Death is inevitable, so make the most of your life whilst you're able to live it.

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Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark +Lyrics

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What does that doodle say to you? This was my 4 year old daughter's drawing on our bedroom wall after my dad's Greek funeral. On her drawing she tells a story: of her bed-bound grandad who she sat next to when she visited and then his funeral. She accompanied me at his open casket funeral, she listened to me and his friends singing a traditional  Cretan song (rizitiko) next to his grave and she observed the whole performance of a Greek funeral bravely. It was her way of discussing her experiences. Her matter of fact way as children can do on narrating experiences and inviting me to discuss life and death with her. People have differing views of children involvement in those rituals. For me it was important for her to be involved!

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Céline Dion - Encore un soir (Official Lyric Video)

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Jean-Jacques Goldman - Puisque tu pars (Clip officiel)

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Learn to live with death, learn to live without you...

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Learn to live with death, learn to live without you...

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This is a very sensitive subject but also so important... I was never prepared to lose anyone. No one ever sat me down and said this or that could happen. But let me tell you a story about the most incredible woman I know!
She became a primary school teacher when she was just 18 (back in the days!!) and she crossed the country to get a position in the tiniest village. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy... they have 2 children. Their second child was diagnosed at 6months old with cystic fibrosis and after years of the best treatments and a will to live he passed at 24 (the first doctor she met told her he wouldn’t live past 5!!)... they bounced back as a family, more grandkids, ... life goes on! Still painful but you have to carry on. Then she lost her second son at 52. Sudden, horrible, heart attack, no second chances, very unexpected... and she carried on. Then she lost the love of her life, at 89. But she carried on. She has great grandchildren now! My children. She is my nan. Her second son was my dad. Whenever I get sad, I think about her and I say to myself that if she somehow can find the strength at 83 to carry on just so that she can see her granddaughters and her 5 great grandchildren then I cannot stop and I have to fight too and to carry on. I owe it to her. I lost my dad when I was 24, it was the first funeral I ever went to, but I chose life and I carry on. Je t’aime papa

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Death is never easy, but perhaps never fully the end?

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Death is never easy, but perhaps never fully the end?

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I have this odd idea, that sometimes when you fondly recall a dead person, some how they feel your warmth and care and love and remembrance..

I also like to feel that while there is the sudden sadness of death, and while perhaps never fully passing, it does get easier and in some ways gives a perch on which you can build upon that memory.

Finally, for now, I sometimes remember people who have died in the things I do, if I draw or paint a landscape I paint them in,  it helps me to remember them and see them in a new way in my life and from a great distance share my current now....

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Death is necessary, Life is temporary, in order to have access to the the infinite potential of Our souls we have to die, so death is a more like a bridge that connects us to the other world.

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Those we have loved and lost are never really gone for they live on in the hearts of those who remember them.

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When your parents are diagnosed with cancer

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When your parents are diagnosed with cancer

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Round 1:

Shock

Confusion

What’s a melanoma? Is that cancer?

It’ll be fine

How many operations?

It’ll be fine

And what happens after that?

Okay I understand

I’m with you, I’ve got you, I’m here

We’ve got this

Round 2:

Again? Mum too?

Disbelief

It might not be-

It is

Terminal

What is life without you in it?

Long nights

Pain
I need information
(But don't Google it)

Tears

Brave faces

New language

Practise telling people in front of the mirror

It’s not okay but we’re okay

How is she?

[Generic response]

How are you?

I’m fine! Can’t complain

Distractions

Arms length

Take a step back

Start to close off

Brave face

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I watch her. Still. I hear them. Cry. I smell. The fear. Of loss. Of life. The unspoken question on their lips.

How do we keep going now?

I grasp for something, anything. Some way to try and get their attention. "Hello! Hi! It's me, it's okay, I promise it'll be okay! I love you! I love you."

They won't - can't - let go of her hand. Her hand is so cold now in theirs and I stand watching, helpless now. Once the person who wrapped them in hugs and enveloped them in words of comfort, with no voice left, no hugs left, no time left.

'I don't know what to do with all the love I have for her'. What do they do with it now? What do I do with it now? Where does it go? I wish I had an answer.

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This place would be beautiful if I didn't catch you walking round and round and round, tracing and retracing your footsteps everyday, if I could ignore what's changed, if I could ignore what we know, if this wasn't the beginning of the end.

I can't see the beauty without you. And it's not you that mars it, it's the shadow, the weight, the suffocation of everything else.

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When I found out that my dad had cancer, I was afraid. I was afraid that death would take him before I had time to live some big moments with him. Like becoming a teacher, getting married or having my first child. I was afraid that my mum would be sad and that I would be too far away to take care of her and of my siblings. Today, my dad is still with us and he is beating cancer everyday. I have learnt to live with this idea of death and to turn it into something positive. I make every moment with my dad count. I call him more often. I enjoy just sitting in a room, the two of us, watching our favourite program on TV. I know that death will come, someday, but that day I will be prepared and I will have all these awesome memories in my heart. It is not easy every day and sometimes I am still afraid, but we have this gift of being alive and to accomplish all these amazing things. So let's make it count.