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Wow I’m shell shocked, this is amazing! One of the best I have seen so far. I think you nailed this story and you are an extremely amazing writer that has so much potential! Now let me tell you what I think of your incredible writing. First of all you're as detailed as a poet and add some of the best little details that make the setting pop! For example you said “The tears accumulated like a cloud of fog covering Sally’s pupils.” My brain is amazed! I wouldn’t even think of that. I think the amount of smart detail you put into this piece makes me want to read it over and over again. I think that you could pull off being the youngest professional poet. I think all your writing pieces have some sort of great detail. Another great thing about your writing is your word choice. It is known that you have to carefully choose words that can clearly express the idea and then decide how you will rearrange those words into phrases, sentences, and even paragraphs. A strong word choice makes it easier for readers to understand the concept. It clarifies, explains, and expands ideas. For example you said “Can I have this one please?” Sally begged.” And when you added the word begged it made it more clear to the reader. A wish I have for you is some spelling errors but that is really it everything else looks really good. I believe you will do great things and this writing is amazing.

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Hi Stanley! I read your story and was really amazed! The first thing was that the fight scene at the end was EPIC. And I was wondering what was going to happen! I did not expect the aunt to get killed at all. The second star is that all of the references and crossovers from many different franchises and games were awesome! I really like crossovers and to see some in the stories was AMAZING! Another star is that the end was really great, and ended off in a cliffhanger! I’m still wondering what is going to happen next! I can keep going on and on about the great things in your story, and it was just great. :)

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This was written very well! Τhe story developed very well as it started out some what realistically and took a huge change at the end. I really liked all the descriptive language packed into the story. I wish that Sally developed through out the story and had more and more fear as the story went on.

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Hi, Stanley! One star I have for you is your intro. It had so many persuasive words in it and the scene was so descriptive, and it was only the first paragraph. This is good because the reader would like to read more. The second star is your warrants. I notice people running out of images or stories for warrants when it comes to this topic, but you never ran out, and you kept going. Honestly, no wish for this essay, because the whole thing shows how video games can really be positive for people. This was so good that I am going to show my parents this and try to convince them that video games are good. This was an amazing essay, and I look forward to more from you.

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Hi Stanley! A strength of your essay is your sensory details in your anecdotes. I especially enjoyed how you wrote “Lightning - fast rapidly intensifying tsunamis of tears raced like wildfire at an astonishing speed down the kid’s rosy cheeks.” This really makes the reader feel like they are in the moment, with the child you are talking about. Another strength of your essay is the strong word choice that you used. When you use strong word choice, it will persuade the reader to take your side of the argument. I especially liked how you used the words malevolence, pulverizing, eradicated, and many other persuasive words. Lastly, another strength of your essay is your explanation of the data in each of your warrants. It was helpful that you kind of “dumbed it down” and went into detail in the explanation of each piece of evidence. Even though I have only written three stars in this comment, there are many more to point out throughout your essay.  From reading this piece, I anticipate great works from yo in the future. Job well done!

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Shalom Stan! I really liked how your essay was very descriptive. The way you described a lot of events showed me you put a lot of effort into writing this. It's really good about how you describe things in the essay. I also liked how long you wrote the essay, it was so good that you described the way things happen, from my essay to yours it seems that we can both relate. But, something that you may want to work on is also even though I thought about how you described most things some things in the essay weren’t as descriptive, and I’m wondering if you are able to make some but not many, things more descriptive.

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Your memoir is overall very good!Your detail and sounds really made it good.I like at the beginning of your story when you talked about the sun beating on the window I think that was amazing detail.I also liked when you said your heart was pounding so loud that people over the universe could hear it,that was really good exaggeration and sounds to add on to your memoir.Overall your memoir is amazing and there is nothing i would change about it.

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I thought that it was so amazing. I loved how it was easy to relate to it feels like you are actually there and not just reading it. The words were so descriptive some of them I had to look up in google. I think that it was so good that I just can’t think of a wish.

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A great strength of your memoir, “The Soul Sucker” was the great amount of figurative language. Honestly, if I was reading this aloud my tongue would get twisted.Your figurative language goes above and beyond Mount Everest! I didn’t even know some of these words existed. In addition, I really like the title. It has a nice catch to it, and goes well with your memoir. I never thought these three simple words pieced together would sound this good to say, and I think this was the last piece to your memoir puzzle. However, I wish you had added a little detail of the sky’s before and after of the storm.  In other words, good job! I really enjoyed your writing.
-Aisha J

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One thing that I loved about your memoir was the detail.  All your figurative language and description, fairly blew me away!  Another thing I really liked was your inner thoughts.  They gave me a good idea of what was happening in your head!  Something I think that you could work on is making what was actually going on clearer, because I had a hard time understanding what was happening.  

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One thing that I loved about your memoir was the detail.  All your figurative language and description, fairly blew me away!  Another thing I really liked was your inner thoughts.  They gave me a good idea of what was happening in your head!  Something I think that you could work on is making what was actually going on clearer, because I had a hard time understanding what was happening.  

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one thing that I really liked about your writing was your added description and word choice.  By description I mean “frigid cold winds” and “Nerve cracking work”.  By word choice, I mean all of the amazing sentences in general.  Great job!  one thing that you should do is add more to your dislikes.

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one thing that I really liked about your writing was your added description and word choice.  By description I mean “frigid cold winds” and “Nerve cracking work”.  By word choice, I mean all of the amazing sentences in general.  Great job!  one thing that you should do is add more to your dislikes.

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I thought It was so great and creative! I loved the descriptive words you used, they were so awesome. Your title was so amazingly fun and your quotes were so inspiring. But I do wish that it was a little longer because you left me wondering.

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Hi, It’s your friend, Adam. One positive thing that I would like to say about your about me piece is the intro, when it said “Welcome to my ‘apartment’ for my writing!”, and after you mentioned the apartment, you said “I hope you enjoyed each of the different floors that are filled with lines and lines of pieces!” . But it just got better from there! I found countless amounts of strong word choices in your writing piece that drew a lot of attention. One of my favorite parts of the piece was “Whenever the scorching rays of the sun shine down on the Fourth of July, my family has a barbecue outside and cook mouth-watering hamburgers.”. It was so descriptive and had a lot of detail, it was amazing! However, I did read the words “lines and lines” quite a few times in the story. Maybe you can narrow that part down just a little bit.

Other than that, your writing piece was really great!