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white tears

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Growing up in a white household, I was taught that it's ok to disagree but that you have to be very nice and diplomatic and calm and finesse any conversation around conflict. I know that white dominant bias influences what I perceive as "good" conflict or convos on conflict and what I perceive as "bad." I think DP as a culture embodies that bias as well.

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the importance of not centering my norms and expectations, as a white person, when there is a conflcit. And when I've not done that (and centered on my/whiteness).

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the importance of not centering my norms and expectations, as a white person, when there is a conflcit. And when I've not done that (and centered on my/whiteness).

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When to discuss a conflict and when to leave it alone and just deal with it

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When to discuss a conflict and when to leave it alone and just deal with it

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less clear about my role in disrupting this in a way that is helpful and not perpetuating white supremacy culture.

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The importance of naming and addressing the conflict and sitting with any discomfort that may come along with it

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+1 on back channel talk instead of saying the point of concern or difference

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+1 on back channel talk instead of saying the point of concern or difference

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Those on leadership team not creating space for open conversation.

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Those on leadership team not creating space for open conversation.

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Those not in "power" not feeling comfortable speaking up for fear of retaliation.

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as a white person i experience and perpetuate this norm

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If others are going to avoid, how can I bring up in a productive manner.

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BIPOC are taught to navigate conflict in order to survive. So the fear of open conflict is rooted in survival and loss of lively hood rather than embarrassment or discomfort.

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Back channel talk. Instead of saying the point of concern or difference to the person or at the time, Slack DMs become a place to express those things. It leaves me with a sense of distrust of any interaction I have at DP, wondering to myself, "What does this or that person really think?"

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How much the desire to "fix" (my need to comfort) comes up as related to fear of conflict.

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As a white woman, I am learning more about when to use my power and privilege to speak up and approach conflict in ways that reduce harm and advocate for changes that benefit my BIPOC colleagues. But I also know I need to sometimes step back and let others lead or back them as allies. I need to be careful not to center myself in the work. Or assume others don't have voice.

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Acceptance over challenging ideas/behaviors

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Not knowing when the right time is to bring something up or who to bring it up with

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will people internally and externally still want to work with me if i seem impolite or "difficult"

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How conflict can impact the livelihood of BIPOC individuals when it occurs in the workplace. The words that are used to describe them/the conflict "angry" "assertive" "tension"

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Having a team members who don't follow through, but it's never brought up. Although many have same feeling

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I typically avoid conflict in an effort to preserve the polite norm 

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I typically avoid conflict in an effort to preserve the polite norm 

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White folx often perceive conflict with POC when it is not there.

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no structure or shared language for dealing with conflict results in a lot of passive aggressive behaviors, side conversations and lingering ill will.

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Being more aware of potential conflict situations as they are happening.

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Being more aware of potential conflict situations as they are happening.

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Missing out on learning opportunities to not "call out" someone who said something incorrect or incomplete for the sake of feelings, time or other considerations

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The greatest challenges I've seen are around folks speaking "up the chain" and being heard or perceived as problematic.

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Viewing open conflict as productive and how to make it productive

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Viewing open conflict as productive and how to make it productive

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silencing others to keep those with power or those considered to be in the "in crowd" comfortable.

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silencing others to keep those with power or those considered to be in the "in crowd" comfortable.

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Not speaking up because it may not be taken well and could strain relationships, and may lead to that person to talk negatively about me to others

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How this is changing the idea of what being "Professional" means.

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How this is changing the idea of what being "Professional" means.

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A silencing of ones self in order to keep the peace of the team. I also think about how code-switching shows up for BIPOC's folks at DP

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Wanting to speak up about something but holding back fearing that my comments or voice would be immediately dismissed or ignored

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How being raised in a culture outside of this country where women especially are expected not to cause any waves shapes my daily interactions.

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Not wanting to share issues for fear of retaliation

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Not wanting to share issues for fear of retaliation

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Fear of raising an issue especially when there is a power imbalance

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There are different consequences/perceptions of open conflict for those who raise it, depending on their identity. As a white woman, I've never been afraid I'd lose my job for raising something. I know my Black colleagues have felt differently. And some have been labeled "difficult."

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I hesitate to raise an issue because I'm not sure if anything can be done or I don't have a suggestion for a solution (related to the point about being worried about being seen as a "thorn") and also thinking "what is the point, nothing will likely be accomplished by raising this issue."

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Very much want to hear about what the advantages of open conflict are - I've always thought that people instinctually avoid conflict when possible and understanding advantages might help fight that  propensity

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I was raised to "not air your dirty laundry". This meant any conflict was handled behind closed doors/in private. I struggle with discerning the difference between finding the right time and place and being conflict avoidant, because I want to be liked