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IN SEARCH OF: Any woman who can help my socially inept daughters. I am seeking someone to teach my daughters, Penelope and Irene, proper social skills, which they currently lack. Ironically, they went to a social dance school, but seem to have learned nothing. The older sister, Penelope, scares off every man she meets and is incapable of dressing properly. As such, Penelope will most definitely need lessons in manners and etiquette. There will be extra money for anyone who can get Penelope to dress nicely. Fortunately, Irene, the younger sister, dresses well and is generally more well behaved. It is unlikely that I will be of much help to my daughters regarding the previously mentioned tasks, so I am desperate to find someone who can help them. Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

KR

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IN NEED OF: someone who doesn't mind me spending more time with my family than with you! Can be any guy, really- I'm kind of desperate since my sister seems to scare away every guy we meet with her kind of crude sense of humor.  Just make sure you can take a joke!  Also, it would really help if you had a little extra money... I have a bit of a fashion addiction, and I like to shop for both my mother and I, but honestly, if you aren't I'm fine with any takers at this point!  I'm not your average needle-point gal, so please email me for inquires! laphamfamilyemail@gmail.com

MJ

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NEED A DATE FOR ANNUAL SPRING DANCE AT PAPANTI'S!!!

I'm looking for a dance partner for this Saturday. It starts at 8:00pm and lasts until 10:30 pm. I'm going to need at least three hours to get ready, and I also need to buy a new dress and new shoes and a new purse that same afternoon, so please come pick me up at around 9:30. It's okay if we don't make it on time. I'm not really interested in socializing with my other peers. I may just want to take a quick look around and see what everyone's up to. But I do want to get back before 10:00pm since I'll need to get to bed early. Let me know if you're interested, but I won't mind if no one's available. I can just do the shopping and then take a nap as soon as I get home.
ShopsNDreams@gmail.com

RR

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Looking for: a kind hearted, intelligent young man who is a patient listener and won’t ever get tired of my questions!!! I need someone who isn’t too quick to get attached as I will likely be spending more hours with my sister and mom every day than with you. Don’t worry though, I won’t ever leave you if you are able to handle my incredible fashion taste. A sizable monthly income is preferred to support my dress-shopping endeavors for my mom as well as myself, but if you don’t, that’s okay too!!! I know how it feels to not fit in with the rich kids.
IH

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IN SEARCH OF: A man.  Tall, short, brown haired, blonde, intelligent, a little fluffy in the head, I'll take any of you! I only have a few simple requirements. You must be open to letting me dress you up and you must have enough money in the bank to fund my habits (don't worry, you may end up broke but you'll never look it!). One of my most outstanding qualities is my fashion taste, and I'd love to share that with you. It's not required, but I appreciate men that are patient and kind because I struggle a little bit with politics and general conversation. But I'm sure there's a learning curve involved here so don't be worried. Though I may not always be correct I will put in 110% with you. If you're interested feel free to email me at freeirene2020@gmail.com

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WANTED: Searching for an intelligent, well-kept bachelor to become acquainted with. A vast knowledge of secular subjects is required, uneducated men are rather dry in conversation. Must be of quick wit, as I enjoy mocking those closest to me (and especially those who are not). Preferably a man of sophisticated tastes, my mother and youngest sister often enjoy shopping. Yet, not of remarkable tastes as I refuse to dress frivolously. If you are a man shallow enough to assess a woman on her appearance, I suggest you consider a different candidate. Ultimately, my one requirement is that you be a family-man. My family has made me the woman I am today, and I simply cannot imagine my life without them. If you deem yourself worthy, contact me.

MH

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Looking for: A helper around the house. Must be quiet, tolerant, and low-excitement. My daughter Penelope WILL make fun of you so please do not be sensitive, and my other daughter Irene, who is quite beautiful, will overthink everything you do.

Please, only reach out if absolutely necessary. Thank you.

KO

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I GUESS I NEED A MAN IN MY LIFE: Looking for a nice, smart, quiet, introverted, agreeable man that will never challenge me in any way because I am always right. I need someone to listen to my many opinions and long talks about books that I have read or want to read. IMPORTANT: If I see you getting bored, you're out mister, and that's that. Oh, and it's necessary that you are a tolerant person, because I may make fun of you, and I probably won't apologize. Get used to the color beige because it makes a delicious little appearance in my wardrobe quite frequently. Send applications to scoobydoobydoo@gmail.com
MK

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Wanted: A Tolerable Man

Eligible bachelorette in her 20s seeking a tolerable, worthwhile man who is intelligent and not boring. Must have a solid understanding of secular subjects, be willing to be the butt of some harmless bullying, and be not in the least concerned with my dress or physical appearance, for he will find both wanting. Must be at ease with my uniquely reclusive family, my irritating sister, and my distaste for society. If you do not meet these criteria, your application will be summarily rejected. Send your application and supporting materials to Penny.Wise@gmail.com
EF

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PAINTING ASSISTANCE:
One helper required. Must be able-bodied and reserved– I detest scandalmongers. Respectable etiquette will gain my wife’s approval, and my wife’s approval reflects favorably on your payment. Bring sable-hair paint brushes (family tradition) and a brief understanding of ballroom dancing, as I’ve one lackluster armchair and one daughter to paint over and refinish before their respective debuts. Should you perform well, be assured that I will not search elsewhere for future assistance. If interested, please contact me through the given mailing address: 123 L One Rd, VT.
AF

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LOS ANGELES:  Bright, playful professional/academic, 50s, open and warmhearted, tall, fit, and good-looking, charming and engaging, curious and adventurous.  Naturally affectionate, with a deep capacity for intimacy and respect.  A playful challenging conversation is good company for me, and if an endearing heart and warm chemistry accompany those times of companionship, then there might be something passionate and promising for us.  To be honest from the start:  I’m currently in an empty, untenable marriage but now looking to transition from ‘in-house’ separation to a friendship and perhaps a fulfilling relationship with a loving co-conspirator.  Seeking a woman 43-56 with a good heart, agile and curious mind, who’s sensual, attractive and open to exploring possibilities with a like-minded good soul. seeker4@yahoo.com.

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NOTE: Put your initials at the end of your post! Be creative - maybe try the Dad? Mom? Read below.

This is hard for me to admit.

I read personal ads in the back of The New York Review of Books.  I read not for any hope of finding love, I read not for any joy received from the confirmation that I am in any way morally superior to those desperate enough to pimp themselves out in print, nor do I read for the easy laughs at the lonely’s expense.  But I do read for the intellectual challenge of creating a living, breathing character out of the carefully chosen 100 words presented in the advertisement.

The challenge for you?  Take a look at two samples of personal ads found in The New York Review of Books, and then write one for the sisters (or family members!) in our passage. You need not be confined by the search for love—many characters are on a quest that encompasses many things beyond finding a soul mate.

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LOOKING FOR ONE GOOD MAN:  funny, sweet, wordy, intellectual.  So we can dream of the Revolution that never happened and make love all day as if we were kids again.  I’ll have my eyes closed, then I can pretend that I am still young and beautiful.  I shall take care of all your earthly needs and desires: you will read fairytales and Scientific American  to me.  We will hold hands all night because I fall down often when I dream of flying.  Me, late 40s, you, as young as you can. moondew@path.com.

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ASSISTANCE REQUIRED: according to my annoying sister Irene, I need to put myself “out there” whatever that means. Just as a forewarning, I don’t like going out, I don’t like being seen with people, and unless I’m making fun of them, I don’t really listen to outside opinions. Now that I’ve vetted the plebeians, I’ll tell you what I want from you. I’m looking for someone who can carry my bags while I’m shopping, eat dinner with my family (on most nights), and take me to the seaside for vacation. Ideally we would not have much close contact other than that. my.opic@gmail.com
ZG

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IN SEARCH OF: A partner, a friend, an acquaintance, or anything of the sort. Must be understanding and patient for the times I might be a little slow, opinionated and passionate (intelligence not really necessary), and wealthy enough to support a slight shopping addiction. Ideally enamored with average looking people, and values family without feeling the need to meet my own right away. Reach out if you fit the bill (or if you don't, any contact would be lovely).
CL