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Coping with Exam Anxiety' Support & Advice for Parents/ Carers

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Coping with Exam Anxiety' Support & Advice for Parents/ Carers

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Tuesday April 28th @ 7 - 8pm.

'Coping with Exam Anxiety' Support & Advice for Parents/ Carers

https://events.teams.microsoft.com/event/ba9746b2-56d3-477d-8823-bc0618a65654@bb926d5e-af5f-4830-b812-e4d184987285

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My Daughter is finding it difficult to find her tribe

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My Daughter is finding it difficult to find her tribe

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Exams
As students begin the lead-up to the State exams, we are resharing the following resources to support them and parents during this time:

Dr. Michael Sweeney (For schools, parents and students): https://cas-elearning.com/courses/cycle-against-suicide-help-programme-managing-exam-stress-test-anxiety/

Cycle Against Suicide Resource (Students) : https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/2022/03/23/dealing-with-exam-stress/

Cycle Against Suicide Breathing exercise (to help calm anxiety): https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/2-1-Breathing-Technique_v3.mp4

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Colman Noctor: Wellbeing in school cannot be taught. It has to be lived

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We can teach children about empathy, resilience, and emotional regulation through structured lessons, but if they lack opportunities to apply these skills in real relationships, the learning remains abstract. Wellbeing needs to be practised as well as taught

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Get ready for the Mocks: A teacher’s guide to smart study

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Smart study tips for the Junior Cycle and Leaving Cert Mock Examinations.

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Colman Noctor: When mock exams feel all too real for your child

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As a parent of a Junior Certificate pupil this year, I have realised the stress of the upcoming mock exams can be substantial

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Cycle Against Suicide HELP programme – Managing Exam Stress & Test Anxiety – Cycle Against Suicide

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Part of the Health Educators Helping Parents series from Cycle Against Suicide. Presented by Dr Michael Sweeney (Director of the Metropolitan Center for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, New York) in association with University College Dublin.

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Through practical strategies, school accommodations, and a compassionate lens on children’s lived experiences, Dr. Armstrong empowers parents, educators, and professionals to support young people more effectively. With a strong focus on building self-efficacy and recognising effort over outcomes, this webinar offers real, actionable tools that create meaningful change in how we understand and assist children and young people with coordination and learning challenges.

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Cycle - Continuing our webinar series E.N.A.B.L.E - Exploring Neurodiversity and Building Learning Environments with the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department, University College Dublin,  Dr. Dorothy Armstrong discusses the topic of Dyspraxia/DCD.   This insightful resource on Developmental Coordination Disorder explores what DCD is, how it affects daily life, emotional well-being, peer relationships, classroom learning, and why early identification is so important. Through practical strategies, school accommodations, and a compassionate lens on children’s lived experiences, Dr. Armstrong empowers parents, educators, and professionals to support young people more effectively. With a strong focus on building self-efficacy and recognising effort over outcomes, this webinar offers real, actionable tools that create meaningful change in how we understand and assist children and young people with coordination and learning challenges. This webinar is available on our e-learning platform: https://cas-elearning.com/courses/dyspraxia-dcd-understanding-movement-mind-and-learning/ If you wish to access this resource but have not already registered on our e-learning platform, you can do so at:  https://cas-elearning.com/online-webinars/webinars/  Dyspraxia Ireland | Facebook

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Continuing our webinar series E.N.A.B.L.E - Exploring Neurodiversity and Building Learning Environments with the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department, University College Dublin,  Dr. Dorothy...

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By clicking on the below link or the link on the leaflet you will be able to register for this webinar.

https://events.teams.microsoft.com/event/08f6c841-2b5c-4685-9ce4-d164d25ca014@bb926d5e-af5f-4830-b812-e4d184987285

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Microsoft Virtual Events Powered by Teams

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Microsoft Virtual Events Powered by Teams

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ISPCC is delighted to deliver a FREE online webinar to parent's/ carers on 'Anxiety Based School Avoidance' which takes place on Tuesday the 4th of November at 7pm.

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Microsoft Virtual Events Powered by Teams

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Microsoft Virtual Events Powered by Teams

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Social media, screen time and student well-being: Finding the balance - The Times of India

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Social media’s allure is strong, especially for adolescents, shaping habits and self-worth. While it offers connection and support, it can paradoxical

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We need your help now
Support from readers like you keeps The Journal open.
You are visiting us because we have something you value. Independent, unbiased news that tells the truth. Advertising revenue goes some way to support our mission, but this year it has not been enough.

If you've seen value in our reporting, please contribute what you can, so we can continue to produce accurate and meaningful journalism. For everyone who needs it.

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Close to 60% of 13-year-olds who experience bullying don't tell an adult, research suggests

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Over 62% of 13-year-olds had experienced at least one bullying behaviour in the past three months.

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Concerns around starting secondary school: How to handle losing friends, bullying and tests

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UCD’s longitudinal Children’s School Lives project follows 4,000 across almost 200 schools

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Joanna Fortune: My 13-year-old is struggling to make friends in secondary school

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“The transition from primary to secondary school can be particularly challenging for children. Many are still in transition mode because we are only a few weeks back at school, everything is new, and a period of adjustment is needed.”

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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De-Stress December: Surviving the Rush with Calm and Clarity

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The festive season can bring exhaustion. Learn how to remain calm and grounded through mindfulness, breathwork, and stress-reduction techniques during this demanding time. Learning Objectives:…

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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Training in the Technology to Make Learning Easier - 2 week course

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This course is aimed at post primary students and teachers, with many references to the Junior Certificate and Leaving Certificate exams in the videos. However, this technology is applicable to all…

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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Helping Autistic and other Neurodivergent young people navigate self-worth and emotional safety in a demanding world.

Many Neurodivergent kids grow up feeling "too much" or "not enough." This webinar dives into the roots of burnout, masking, and people-pleasing-and shows how we can nurture a sense of self that is rooted in self-acceptance, not performance.

Evaleen Whelton  is the founder of AUsome Training, an Autistic-led organisation redefining how we support and include Autistic people. She develops courses, resources, and events grounded in lived experience and professional expertise. With over a decade of work in education, therapy, and advocacy, Evaleen challenges neuro-confirmative models and champions truly respectful, neuro-affirming practice. She believes we need to expand our idea of "normal" to truly include Autistic people. Through her writing, speaking, and training, she works to make the world a safer, more inclusive place for Autistic people of all ages.

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Helping Autistic and other Neurodivergent young people navigate self-worth and emotional safety in a demanding world. Many Neurodivergent kids grow up feeling "too much" or "not enough." This...

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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Seachtain 1: Aimsir Láithreach Seachtain 2: Aimsir Chaite Seachtain 3: Aimsir Fháistineach Seachtain 4: Na Briathra Neamhrialta Seachtain 5: Réamhfhocail Seachtain 6: An Modh Coinníollach The course…

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Concerns around starting secondary school: How to handle losing friends, bullying and tests

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UCD’s longitudinal Children’s School Lives project follows 4,000 across almost 200 schools

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Working with the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Department, University College Dublin, Cycle Against Suicide will deliver a four-part webinar series for parents and teachers and others where of interest, offering an evidence-informed and empowering look at neurodiversity across family, education, and community settings:

E.N.A.B.L.E. (Exploring Neurodiversity and Building Learning Environments)
Each session runs from 7–8pm via Zoom and covers key topics:

Understanding Neurodiversity (Sept 19),

ADHD: Reframing Attention and Effort (Oct 24),

Dyspraxia/DCD: Movement, Mind and Learning (Nov 21),

Hidden Strengths: Speech, Language and Specific Learning Differences (Dec 5).

This series explores current science, practical supports, and the intersection of neurodivergence with mental health, while highlighting strengths-based approaches.
CPD/Croke Park hours are available where applicable.
Delivered via zoom, attendance is free. Further information and registration at: https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/enable/

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Leaving Cert: last-minute subject-by-subject exam tips

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Teachers and experts share their best tips for how to best prepare for the exams

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4 tips for improving handwriting in Junior and Leaving Cert exams

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There is little that can be done to improve your speed at this point in the academic year, but there are quick ways to increase legibility

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FREE ISPCC Exam Anxiety Webinars for Young People

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Meath Support News posted by Admin - News Author about FREE ISPCC Exam Anxiety Webinars for Young People on Family Support Meath.

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Coping with Exam Anxiety: Online Webinar with Support & Advice for Parents & Carers - Limerick Services

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Feeling the pressure of exams? You’re not alone! ISPCC Childline is offering free, friendly webinars to help parents/carers better understand and manage their

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Cycle Against Suicide HELP programme – Managing Exam Stress & Test Anxiety – Cycle Against Suicide

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Part of the Health Educators Helping Parents series from Cycle Against Suicide. Presented by Dr Michael Sweeney (Director of the Metropolitan Center for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, New York) in association with University College Dublin.

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Advice for Leaving Cert students on last lap

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As Leaving Cert students start the final lap towards the exams, Michelle Flynn, Career Guidance Counsellor and Career Advisor at www.careerhub.ie has…

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Parenting advice: ‘My son isn’t studying enough for his Leaving Cert’

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With Leaving Cert season coming up soon, students and families across the country are trying their best to manage their stress levels.

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My son is anxious about the Irish orals. How can we help him prepare?

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Immersion in the language is key – as is understanding the structure of the assessment

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I teach a child and adolescent mental health postgraduate programme at South East Technological University Waterford to psychotherapists, mental health nurses, occupational therapists, and others. In recent class discussions, school avoidance was repeatedly mentioned as an issue they are experiencing in their work.

The national figures support what they are seeing. Since the pandemic, school avoidance has become a growing crisis in Ireland.

Newly appointed education minister Helen McEntee recently pledged to reverse the absenteeism trend and indicated that, despite a return to normality, the proportion of children chronically absent from school has more than doubled post-covid.

According to Department of Education Inspectorate figures, more than 25% of primary schoolchildren and 20% of post-primary students missed at least a month of school days during the 2022/23 school year. The figures were 10% and 15% two years before covid.

We are not alone in this crisis. England's children's commissioner, Rachel de Souza, has declared falling school attendance an "epidemic" and made it her mission to ensure persistently absent children get the support they need to return to school.

According to the 2022 Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa), attendance has improved in most of the 38 countries in the OECD since the pandemic; however, absenteeism increased in one in 10 countries (including Ireland).

The report's author, Miyako Ikeda, suggests that countries with longer lockdowns are experiencing a more significant deterioration in attendance since the pandemic. The most common reason given in the Pisa report for missing school for long periods was illness, although "boredom or a lack of safety at school" were frequently cited by students taking part in Pisa. We can assume that lack of safety refers to concerns around bullying or growing numbers of young people experiencing higher levels of anxiety in the school environment.

The report states: "While schools can do little to prevent illness, they can address a lack of motivation among students, and much can be done to make schools safer."

There are many reasons for a fall in school attendance, which is why it is so difficult for governments to respond, says senior OECD analyst Lucy Cerna, who has been working closely with countries such as Ireland, Norway, and Slovakia on tackling pupil absence. Cerna states that before covid, non-attendance was generally viewed as a senior cycle issue, but now it is becoming widespread in terms of the student profile.

In an article earlier this year in TES Magazine, Cerna said: "Absenteeism is still mainly an issue with students from disadvantaged backgrounds, immigrant students and students with special needs - but many countries now say it's also students from more advantaged backgrounds too."

Many students are struggling with heightened anxiety and depression. Disruption of regular routines during lockdowns and the social isolation and academic pressure of returning to school have overwhelmed some children.

Some teachers believe prolonged periods over the lockdown may have influenced pupils' views about the essential nature of school attendance. I also wonder if AI is playing a growing role.

With programs like ChatGPT and others, some young people say the need to learn seems less important now when machine learning is so freely available to produce most of the information they need.

However, school avoidance may also be partly due to the loss of routine during the pandemic and the detrimental impact of social isolation on children's social skills.

Prolonged periods away from structured school environments made reintegrating difficult for some children. Younger students, particularly, missed out on critical early social experiences, making school feel unfamiliar and intimidating.

A sense of belonging at school seems to play "a very important role" in attendance. Cerna explains how this could have been "damaged" or "interrupted" by covid, and schools struggle to "recreate this connection".

The concerns about our lack of social connection are also associated with the rise in technological communication, which is also a critical factor to consider.

Returning to school after an absence could also lead to a fear of falling behind academically, leading to stress and avoidance. My son was ill post-Christmas and missed a lot of school in January, and I can see the pressure he is under to catch up on various class-based assessments upon his return.

Even when schools are closed, there is pressure upon their reopening to make up for the lost time and catch up with the curriculum demands, which can add to the pressure to complete coursework.

This pressure was especially true post-pandemic for those who struggled with online learning or lacked adequate support at home.

Parents can sometimes accommodate school avoidance behaviours, whether out of concern or lack of awareness. This can occur by allowing children to stay home on difficult days when perhaps being more insistent on the child attempting to attend may be more beneficial in the longer run. While well-intentioned, this can reinforce avoidance rather than help children build coping strategies.

Prolonged periods of absence from school can lead to learning gaps and difficulty catching up. Children who avoid school often withdraw from social interactions, making reintegration even harder. Anxiety and depression can deepen, creating a cycle where returning to school becomes even more challenging.

Addressing school avoidance requires a multi-pronged approach involving schools, parents, mental health professionals, and policymakers. The priority is early intervention and psychological support. School avoidance is not necessarily a mental health disorder, so psychotherapeutic
approaches and educational psychological interventions need to play a far more active role. Schools also need much more prominent mental health supports, such as school-based counselling and professionals who can guide the management of school avoidance and provide anxiety
management techniques.

While some suggest teachers and school staff need more training to identify early warning signs of school avoidance and provide support before the problem escalates, this is another ask of teachers that may be unduly onerous. Instead, we need access to prompt mental health
support in schools to support any students who may be at risk of school avoidance. Many guidance counsellors in schools are currently trying to manage young people with significant mental health needs. They are doing a phenomenal job without the necessary supports.

Mental health or psychotherapeutically trained professionals could support the school and the family in engaging in a gradual reintegration strategy that might be effective. Reintegration strategies can be effective for students who are struggling with extreme anxiety. They involve a step-by-step return-to-school plan which may include:

Shorter school days or a phased return to the classroom;

Safe spaces in school where students can go if overwhelmed;

Regular check-ins with designated staff members;

Parents need guidance on encouraging school attendance without reinforcing avoidance behaviours.
Interventions, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques, can help parents and children develop coping skills.

Ms McEntee and colleagues must acknowledge that government action and policy changes are also needed.

Increased funding for school-based mental health services must be made available.

This support could lead to more specialised support for children with school avoidance and anxiety. Given the higher rates of absenteeism in disadvantaged areas, policies that address economic barriers to attendance, such as financial support for school-related expenses, are also needed.

When considering the drop in school attendance, Cerna poses the following questions for policymakers to consider: What is the purpose of education and schools? Why does it matter? Why is it important? Is the curriculum engaging? What can I do after school?

She notes that falling school attendance in Japan has prompted the government to introduce alternative school types where the curriculum is more practical and relevant for working life. Initial data suggests this initiative is highly successful, and the Japanese government plans to open more of these practically focused schools.

Interesting patterns are emerging in countries with good data on school attendance. According to Cerna, Fridays are disproportionately overrepresented with higher absenteeism, and there is evidence of more and more families taking holidays during term time, which is also problematic. This trend is a hot topic in Britain. In 2023-24, fines issued to parents for unauthorised term-time holidays increased by almost 25%. On punitive approaches and parent fines, Cerna says the feedback from the countries that have them or have tried them is they are "not very helpful" and "most of the time, they affect the parents that need the most support."

School avoidance is a growing crisis demanding urgent attention, but no easy fix exists. Still, with a collaborative approach - combining mental health support, parental guidance, school reintegration strategies, creating more practical educational curriculum options, and policy reforms - Ireland can help students return to education, increase their sense of belonging and prevent long-term adverse outcomes. The pandemic may have exacerbated school avoidance, but with the right interventions, children can regain confidence and re-engage with learning.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist

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Colman Noctor: Lessons must be learned about school avoidance

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"Prolonged periods away from structured school environments made reintegrating difficult for some children. Younger students, particularly, missed out on critical early social experiences, making school feel unfamiliar and intimidating."

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Parenting teens: ‘I don’t ‘let’ her date, just like you don’t ‘let’ a newborn wake up 16 times’

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‘Would we get planning permission for a Rapunzel tower in the back garden?’: Margaret Lynch tries to navigate the unknown world of teenage dating.

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Leaving Cert 2025: How can parents support teens for exams?

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In the final installment of his exam series this week, Cork-based teacher and wellbeing author, ALAN WHITE talks about how parents can support their…

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Sara Cox on parenting teenagers: best podcasts of the week

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The broadcaster delivers a highly entertaining show about coping with teens, plus a delightful look back at Charles Schulz’s classic comic strip

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Colman Noctor: Fact-checking three common myths about teenagers

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Stop blaming teens, and fact-check the stereotypes instead

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I have four kids, two of them are teens. I don't want any of them using social media.

The risks of teen bullying and my own experiences with online threats have led me to this decision.

My 16-year-old recently thanked me for shielding her from the anxiety her peers have experienced.

I have four children, ranging in age from 8 to 16. I am that mom, the one who won't let my kids have social media. Of course, my teenagers have pitched fits over my rule many times. However, I'm grateful I've stuck to it.

I've been an influencer since blogs debuted. Social media has been both a gift and a curse for the last 15 years. Yes, I can use social media to promote my work as a writer, but with an online presence also comes degrading, ignorant, and sometimes threatening comments and messages from total strangers.

Countless articles tout how social media access provides open season for bullying, discrimination, stalking, trafficking, and safety threats - especially for teens who can be more vulnerable in these situations. I knew, from my own experiences, that social media is overwhelmingly not a safe space for teens and I didn't want my own kids having any part of that world.

Initially, my teens hated me

My teenagers, starting around early middle school, didn't understand why, according to them, everyone else got to have social media accounts but they didn't. They pleaded with me, assuring that they would always use social media for positive interactions with peers, entertainment, and information. No way would they share their personal information or interact with strangers.

My teens, now 14 and 16, felt I was being unfair and too strict. I certainly empathize with their feelings, remembering when I thought my own parents weren't fair to me, like not letting me attend sleepovers or date when I was in middle school, but I've held strong to my decision

We've revisited the topic many times

I'm not a "because I said so" parent. I took the time to answer my teens' complaints - er, questions - about why social media is not, or even mostly, all fun and games. I shared concrete examples of what's happened to me, including name-calling, trolling, and even threats to my safety. If I'm an adult dealing with these issues, imagine teenagers, whose brains aren't fully developed, using social media, I explain to them. I've also re-explained the dangers, including catfishing, bullying, and even receiving loads of misinformation on important topics. I was met with eye rolls.

I have my reasons

We live in a digital world, which is why some parents give their kids, even those younger than teens, the all clear to freely use social media. "They need to learn somehow, this is just how society is now," other parents have said to me.

I disagree with that line of thought. We know that that a person's brain, specifically the reasoning part, doesn't fully develops until around age 25. My oldest child is nine years away from their new "reasonable" brain. Why would I let my teens be exposed to numerous dangers and influences when they aren't brain-ready?

One of my teens thanked me recently

Surprisingly, not that long ago, my 16-year-old daughter thanked me for not letting her have social media, especially during her middle school years when she was constantly begging me for access. As she's matured, as well as observed her peers who have social media, she's noticed some of the fallouts of teens obsessing over what gets posted on Instagram, Snapchat or TikTok.

I believe in "never say never." I may ease up on my rule or change my mind at some point and allow my teens very limited and well-supervised social media usage with gradual access. I want them to learn self-control, listen to their intuition, and learn to balance an online presence with real life. Raising teens is about training them to become adults. However, for right now, the rule is right for us.

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I don't let my teens have social media. My 16-year-old daughter wasn't happy at first, but the other day she thanked me.

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My kids were angry with my no social media rule, but I don't want them to be exposed to the inherent dangers before they are equipped to handle them.

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Teens need at least eight hours’ rest a night to develop properly and regulate emotion

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So many teenagers are so busy and stressed that they are chronically tired — here are some tips on helping your adolescent get the rest they need

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Colman Noctor: Being kind to others is a win-win

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“In an increasingly individualist world that places far more emphasis on the ‘I’ than the ‘we’, it is more challenging for children to be aware of the value of reaching out to others.”

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Colman Noctor: Everything parents need to know about their child’s use of Snapchat

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‘Snapchat does not always accurately curtail or filter content to the user’s age. Not only are they vulnerable to viewing inappropriate content, they can also create and share such content on Spotlight’

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Dr David Coleman: It’s better to negotiate a curfew with your teenager than enforce one – here’s how to do it

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As children and teenagers look for more independence when going outside alone or with friends, parents are faced with the tricky prospect of setting curfews.

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Colman Noctor: Helping young people deal with online issues like bullying

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We must provide the necessary support for young people to navigate the digital world

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I’m not sure my son will be organised enough to meet upcoming CAO deadlines. Can you help?

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There is no great urgency in selecting courses, but it is very important to read up on all-important instructions

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When it comes to warnings about kids and smartphones, The Anxious Generation author Jonathan Haidt is determined to get the message out. The social psychologist sat down recently with Prince Harry to amplify his ideas about keeping kids mentally safe from technology. And he's also teamed up with psychologist and parenting expert Becky Kennedy -a.k.a. Dr. Becky-to offer help for those who want to heed Haidt's warnings but don't know how.

"Jon and I are such natural complements," Kennedy, mom to kids ages 7, 10, and 13, tells Fortune. Haidt, she says, has done an excellent job of laying out the problems with smartphones and social media in a way that's resonating with parents-highlighting the shift for kids from play-based childhood to a phone-based childhood, and the ushering in of social isolation, disrupted sleep, diminished focus, and anxiety.

"But parents are saying, 'Okay, well, what do I do about this scenario?' I know, for me in life, having a problem named without a solution offered is frustrating," she says. "I just feel anxious. "

That's where Dr. Becky's parenting company, Good Inside, comes in-to offer its free guide, "5 Strategies for Parents to Free the Anxious Generation."

"I feel like [Haidt] has massively increased parents' motivation to look for a solution, and the solution is nuanced," Kennedy says. "It's on the ground, and it's concrete. It's actionable."

While her five points of advice for parents-know your job, maintain boundaries, allow yourself to change course, teach competence as an antidote to anxiety, and join forces with fellow parents to enact smartphone rules-are clear and well-explained in the guide, below are some useful takeaways with additional perspective from Fortune 's discussion with Dr. Becky.

Why it's so hard to set boundaries

Parents having an increasingly difficult time setting boundaries, Kennedy believes, is the "core of the problem." Here's why: "The cost of not setting boundaries with our kids has never been higher - because now when you don't set boundaries, it's not like your kid gets an extra ice cream. They get TikTok at age 8."

She believes boundary-setting has gotten harder for parents because of two main reasons, the first being, simply, that parenting in such a technologically tricky time is uncharted territory.

"I don't think parenting has ever come naturally," she says. "But the idea that parenting would be natural in a digital world with all of this stuff available to our kids is at best a joke-and at worst, a way to purposely make parents feel awful about themselves." Though there are courses for useful skills like CPR, for example, there are none when it comes to setting boundaries in the digital age.

"So why would we expect ourselves to magically absorb that ability? It's just not how any type of learning works," she says.

Another reason it's harder to set boundaries, she says, is the impact our phones have had on us as parents. That's because the more we're absorbed in our own phones, the more we ourselves are rewired for instant gratification-and the lower our tolerance for frustration becomes.

"When our kids whine, complain, push back-which always happens when we set a boundary-we are literally less tolerant of our kids' pushback, because we have developed a higher expectation of gratification and ease because of our reliance on our digital devices," Kennedy says.

So at the thought of saying no and dealing with whining, we think, "'I'm going to have to tolerate their upset-or I could just go back and scroll something on my phone if I say yes,'" she explains. "We have lowered our own frustration tolerance as parents, so we have a harder time setting boundaries because of that. And I think that's a part of the equation we have to really talk more about."

That's because it's not going away, she says-and because no kid will ever respond by saying, "I feel so safe with you, you're such an amazing parent. Thank you for making a decision for my long-term health."

Dr. Becky also tells parents this: "If you can't say no to a cupcake, you're not going to be able to say no to TikTok." And, she explains, when you can start to say no to a cupcake-or to a later bedtime or a new T-shirt-you then "build into your relationship with your kid [the idea of] setting boundaries and tolerating their feelings."

Fast-forward 10 years, and if you didn't do that, she warns, and you then say no to TikTok, it will be harder to start setting those boundaries. If you do start early, "it's been built into the fabric of your relationship."

Why it's also not too late if you didn't set boundaries early

Know that you're "like most people" if you didn't start putting your foot down early, Kennedy says. And step one to getting past that, she says, "is forgiving yourself."

"We were not set up to do this," she says. "And a mantra I say to myself often is: The right time to change is always right now. So your kid's 13, your kid's 18, whatever. After you really have forgiven yourself, what is the first step you can take to set boundaries that feels manageable?"

To build that boundary-setting muscle, Dr. Becky tells parents of teens, it's best to not start with TikTok. "It's just not realistic," she says. Instead, start with no longer allowing your kid to sleep at night with their phone in their room.

"That, to me, is a nonnegotiable boundary," she says. "And you can present it in a way that your kid knows-and this is key-that we have to set boundaries from a place of protection, not punishment. The same boundary from a mindset of protection will be received in a very different way than the same boundary set from a mindset of punishment."

Punishment, she explains, sounds like this: "You can't have your phone in your room anymore. This is ridiculous. You're not sleeping, you're not responsible. I can't trust you." It's an approach that would prompt rebellion and anger.

Protection, meanwhile, sounds like this, she says: "We're on the same team, and one of my jobs is to prioritize your safety over your immediate, short-term comfort and happiness. We're going to slowly make some changes. They're probably going to feel uncomfortable ... And the first change is going to be where your phone is when you're sleeping. I can no longer allow it to be in your room. I've read too much. I know it interferes with your sleep. I know that's annoying. I know you're going to protest. I know the first couple of nights you might even feel anxious and have a harder time sleeping ... But we're going to get through all of that, and I know we can, because we're on the same team."

Dr. Becky thinks about the exercise as a "boundary hierarchy," which will allow you to try it more and more, and with harder things-like TikTok-too.

In the end, she says, it'll teach your children perhaps the most important skill in life: resilience.

"Learning how to struggle is so important. That's how you find success," she says. "The better you are at struggling-not in a toxic way, but the better you are at staying in a moment of struggle, the more resilient you can be. And so I think about that as a guiding principle."

More on screens and parenting:

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The potential cost of not setting screen-time boundaries for your kids 'has never been higher' parenting expert Dr. Becky warns

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"If you can't say no to a cupcake, you're not going to be able to say no to TikTok," says psychologist Becky Kennedy, a.k.a. Dr. Becky.

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Colman Noctor: Educational outcomes determined by financial resources of parents

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A new study shows the impact social background has on children’s educational experience

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Taking a holistic approach to mental health

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Mental health coach MIRIN MOONEY looks at holistic approaches to mental health, and asks if this is more than just a trend?

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Training programme for parents on children’s mental health

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The National Parent’s Council and St Patrick’s Mental Health Services have developed a training programme for parents on encouraging good mental health and building resilience in children.

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Transition year: A year when teenagers can transition to adulthood

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Transition year offers students the option of work experience over study, giving them the freedom to grow and take responsibility for themselves

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Colman Noctor: Should parents track or trust their teenagers?

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I am concerned that constant tracking could limit their opportunities to develop crucial life skills

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Anxiety in Focus – Understanding Anxiety in Children and Young People.

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Anxiety in Focus – Understanding Anxiety in Children and Young People.

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Cycle Against Suicide in association with the academic Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, University College Dublin (UCD) will continue to provide psychoeducational webinars to support parents and teachers over the coming school year- 24/25.

Commencing this coming Thursday our series of webinars from September to December will bring Anxiety in Focus – Understanding Anxiety in Children and Young People.

Anxiety is one of the most common challenges of childhood and adolescence. This has been reflected in the registrations to and attendee feedback on previous Cycle Against Suicide webinars

Building on our previous series, Series 2 will take a more in-depth look at anxiety in young people exploring different types of anxiety common in this age group.Each 1 hour session will incorporate content on the causes, symptoms and evidenced-based approaches which support recovery.

September 19th : What is Generalised Anxiety Disorder?

October 10th :  Social Anxiety: Why the worry?

November 7th:  Understanding Post-traumatic Stress in Children and Teenagers

December 5th: Exploring Perfectionism and Obsessive-Compulsive Characteristics

These sessions delivered via zoom are free and open to all parents and teachers to participate. To register your participation please do so at: https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/parent-talks/

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The Board of Cycle Against Suicide subscribes to and is fully compliant with all legislation,

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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12 things to do to improve your Study & Mind-set habits: Building positive habits for the new school year

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Getting off to a good start with your students matters. This course demonstrates how to help students embed sound habits that stand the test of time. It outlines practical ways that teachers can…

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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This webinar will focus on how parents/guardians and school staff can help to support their anxious teens. It will also explore how teenage brains are more vulnerable to anxiety. Parent-led/teacher-led CBT specific techniques will also be examined.
Participants will receive information on effective communication and how to talk to teenagers about mental health.

Nicola Culloty is a primary school teacher with twenty years experience working with parents and children. As Home School Community Liaison she formed an authentic and lasting partnership with parents.
Nicola completed a Masters in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and is currently practising as a CBT therapist. She is very experienced on the impact of trauma on both adults and children and is proficient in the techniques used to overcome and assist those living with mental health issues.
Nicola has facilitated parenting groups and worked closely with parents of children who have experienced trauma in her roles as teacher, therapist and HSCL. Nicola is also a parent of two children in Primary School and is currently working on her juggling skills with all the other parents in Ireland.

Important info regarding Email notifications

If you are not receiving email notifications regarding course bookings etc you may have unsubscribed from transactional emails. Please re-subscribe here Resubscribe and fix my email notifications (You will not be added to any newsletters or marketing.)

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This webinar will focus on how parents/guardians and school staff can help to support their anxious teens. It will also explore how teenage brains are more vulnerable to anxiety....

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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Study Skills Webinar Series for Post Primary Students and Parents (1 of 3)

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Week 1 of 3: Content Explored: Enhancing the learning environment Organisational Skills Misconceptions about study Presenter: Kieran Sweeney is an accredited Post Primary based coach with experience…

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Colman Noctor: Teaching communication skills to help teens connect

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Listening skills are fundamental to nurturing well-rounded, capable, and empathetic individuals.

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Colman Noctor: Students starting secondary school have a special class of needs

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“Child development and parenting manuals emphasise the importance of consistency, reliability, and predictability. Yet change is inevitable, including the transition from primary to secondary school.”

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As the parent of a soon-to-be teenager, I can attest that every parent I know is worried about kids and screens.

With headlines constantly blaring about the youth mental health crisis and a parade of experts lining up to suggest technology is at least part of the explanation, basically every parent -- including entrepreneur parents -- is asking themselves, "What's the right approach when it comes to kids and screens?"

Asking this question is obvious. Answering it, unfortunately, isn't.

Most advice out there is based on limited or faulty data, driven by panic, or hotly disputed. But a recent review of more than 100 studies offers parents at least a few data-backed recommendations to stand on.

Why getting definitive advice about kids and screens is so hard

While a gazillion articles and books with titles like " Have smartphones ruined a generation?" and The Anxious Generation are just a Google away, the experts who write them can't seem to agree on practical advice for parents.

Should you forbid social media before 16 as suggested by NYU psychologist and Anxious Generation author Jonathan Haidt? Or listen to the studies and experts who say taking too active a role in managing your kid's screen time deprives them of the opportunity to learn to manage it themselves?

This confusion is not entirely the experts' fault. As Emily Oster, an economist known for translating complicated research into practical advice for parents, has explained, it is ethically and logistically impossible to design a study that randomly assigns some kids to eight hours a day of TikTok and YouTube and compares them to kids who are forced to go tech-free.

Instead, researchers are forced to observe the real world, which is wildly messy and complicated.

"In the end, I would argue that we learn almost nothing from papers that use data like this," Oster insists.

Still, parents have to make decisions. In the absence of a definitive randomly controlled trial, where can they look for guidance? Individual studies, as Oster notes, might not be worth much, but if you put together a hundred of them and look for consistent results, you can do better.

Which is just what the team behind a new paper published in JAMA Pediatrics did. The researchers combed through 100-plus studies looking at more than 100,000 young children from across the world to find research-backed suggestions for how parents can help smaller kids use screens in ways that promote health and flourishing. They found four:

1. Watch together.

"The studies we analyzed show that if children and caregivers use screens together (also called co-viewing or co-use), it is beneficial for children's thinking and reasoning skills. It is especially beneficial for their language development," the study co-authors report in The Conversation.

I know from personal experience that asking adults to stomach significant doses of Peppa Pig or Daniel Tiger can be tough. But if you can manage it, the researchers insist asking questions like, "Why did Bluey hide that from Chilli?" or "How do you think Bingo is feeling right now?" can help lead to real-world learning.

This particular study didn't cover tweens and above, who may bristle when you try to sit down and enjoy MrBeast's latest production with them. But it stands to reason that, for this group too, discussing things like the economics of the attention economy and the yawning gap between how people portray themselves online and real life can only be good for their mental health and development.

2. Choose age-appropriate content.

This isn't earth-shattering advice, but the researchers underline the importance of playing an active role in choosing quality content that is thoughtfully designed for your child's age. Questions parents might ask themselves include:

What age or developmental stage is the content designed for?

Does it promote learning and development?

Does it stimulate imaginative play and creativity in the real world? (My daughter spent literally two years acting out Katy Perry's "Roar" music video with items from her dress-up box, so the definition here might be broader than you think.)

Does the content have positive social messages?

Does it encourage movement, like dancing to music? (Katy Perry scores again.)

"Parents can use trustworthy guides like those from Common Sense Media if they have any doubts," the researchers add.

3. Don't let screens come between you and your child.

It's not just children who can have problematic relationships with their screens--so can parents. And your kids notice. So don't just ask yourself what guardrails you need to put on your family's screen time. Ask whether you also need to put some on your own.

"In our study, children had better social skills, behavior and ability to regulate their emotions when parents avoided screen use during interactions and routines like family meals," the researchers report, underlining the obvious: "When parents are distracted, it can affect the quality and quantity of interactions with their child."

4. Don't leave the TV on in the background.

Having some random Disney show chattering in the background as you go about your day may seem harmless, but "background TV may divert a child's attention from play and learning. Our research found children had better thinking, reasoning and language abilities when there was less background TV in the home," the researchers warn. So if you're not actively watching it, just switch it off.

This research is aimed at parents of younger children, so it won't answer some of the most burning questions about kids and screens. But Oster offers a framework for thinking though questions about screen time for any age based on the idea of opportunity cost -- what are your kids missing out on because of their screen time?

Unfortunately, though, there is no definitive one-size-fits-all guidance on this thorny issue. Different families and kids need different things. That makes space for a lot of panic headlines about contradictory studies. These particular guidelines might not be comprehensive, but they are at least both actionable and genuinely science-backed.

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Child Development Experts Reviewed More Than 100 Studies on Screens and Kids. Here are Their 4 Practical Takeaways for Parents

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Parents are bombarded by contradictory advice on kids and screens. A huge new study cuts through the noise.

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There are two points in your letter that I want to address. Firstly, is there a reason your son is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork? Speak with his teachers to understand his apparent struggles in class. Discuss what you observe at home and share how your son feels based on what he has told you. Let them know that you want to understand better why he is struggling and, if they share your concern, ask what can be done to provide practical support for your son regarding access to resource hours and an NEPS (National Educational Psychology Service) assessment if warranted. If there is a specific reason why your son finds it difficult to keep up in class, it is best that you know what it is well before his transition to secondary school.

Secondly, I want to address his negative self-talk and how you reassure him. The temptation to jump in and rescue our children from complicated feelings is very understandable, but it is not helpful. Instead, when he shares vulnerable thoughts and feelings with you, such as 'I'm stupid or 'I'm a loser', I suggest you take a breath, sit with him and empathise with his emotions. Perhaps saying something like, 'Gosh, you're feeling really frustrated with how difficult school has become for you. I can hear it in how you are talking about yourself. I'm sorry that things feel so difficult right now.' Then, pause and hold space for him to continue sharing his feelings, even if he gets upset, cries, or gets angry. Acknowledge that you hear and understand how he is feeling so that he knows he is not alone with those feelings.

When we rush in with our (well-intentioned) fix-or-change agenda, we deny our children the opportunity to express their feelings.

As difficult as it may be, it's crucial to meet them where they are and reflect back their true emotions. By offering acceptance and empathy, we let them know we are here whenever they need to vent or express challenging emotions and thoughts. Dismissing difficult feelings doesn't mean our children will never have those feelings again, but it might mean they stop bringing them to us, something we don't want to happen.

By practising the above, your son will feel heard and understood and know you can help him.

When he is calm, you can add, "Is there something you would like me to do that would help with this?" and give him the opportunity to say yes or no. Perhaps what he wanted was for you to listen, and you will have done that.

Beyond these conversations, keep an eye on the negative self-talk. Seek opportunities to afford him independence building and reinforce his strengths in specific, detailed ways, for example, 'You worked really well with your teammates today rather than saying, 'Great game!'.

You might find this podcast episode helpful exa.mn/15-Minute-emotional-support

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie

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Joanna Fortune: My son is finding it difficult to keep up at school

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"Firstly, is there a reason your son is struggling to keep up with his schoolwork? Speak with his teachers to understand his apparent struggles in class."

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#65 Back to School | HSE Talking Health and Wellbeing

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In this podcast episode, Dr. Abigail Collins, Consultant in Public Health Medicine and Clinical Lead for the National Healthy Childhood Programme, shares expert advice on preparing children for the school year. The discussion covers preventing and managing common childhood illnesses and building healthy routines, as well as advice for children who are anxious about going back to school. The episode provides practical tips for parents during the busy back-to-school period. To find advice for parents, go to MyChild.ie. If you would like to get in touch with the podcast or join the HSE Health and Wellbeing mailing list, email Healthandwellbeing.communications@hse.ie. Produced by GKMedia.ie

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School refusal: Some strategies for parents dealing with this growing issue

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Psychotherapist Bronagh Starrs says there are simple things parents can do for their child who might be struggling with school attendance.

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‘Not letting me on Snapchat was the best thing my mum ever did for me’: how to talk to your kids about social media

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When her 14-year-old child asked for social media, Guardian advice columnist Annalisa Barbieri held firm. Thank goodness, says her daughter, now grown up

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By asking the right questions, parents can help direct their son or daughter to courses that most suit their talents and interests

In reality, ambiguity around course and career choices is part and parcel of the CAO decision-making process. Over the next few weeks and months, tempting though it might be, try not to see the CAO challenge through the lens of "getting that CAO form sorted once and for all". Rather, think about your role in terms of creating the time and space that will allow your son or daughter to talk about their interests, talents, career plans, dreams and even fears.

Begin by debunking the myth that their CAO choice is a single point of decision that will somehow determine their whole future. Reassure them that their decision is about the next few years - not their entire life. Remind them that in the new world of work, people will change jobs up to 15 times over the course of their careers.

It's important to recognise that your role is to guide your son or daughter, not to choose for them. So do try to leave your well-intentioned assumptions and expectations at the door, and be genuinely open to your son or daughter's motivations. Be warned: this isn't as easy as you think.

Parents are key influencers in their children's decision-making process and your supportive role is hugely important. But that doesn't mean you're expected to have all of the answers to their career questions

Remember, the evidence shows emphatically that students perform best in courses to which they are suited. It is this, more than anything, that should guide your conversations. So tap into their passions and interests, not their projected points count.

Help them to focus on what they like (and don't like) about things like their Leaving Cert subjects, their TY experiences, their hobbies and interests. This will help them to identify their natural strengths and will direct your son or daughter towards the courses that best suit their talents and interests.

Parents are key influencers in their children's decision-making process and your supportive role is hugely important. But that doesn't mean you're expected to have all of the answers to their career questions. Actually, asking the right questions is much more important than providing answers. Trust that your questions will be very effective in getting them to shift up a gear and take ownership of their CAO choices.

Once they have identified a broad area of interest, encourage them to research the available courses in that area. Chasing a course title is not enough! Get them to drill down into the content and the structure of the courses they are considering.

Prompt practical thinking by asking them questions about the required level of maths and reading; laboratory hours; independent project work or the opportunity to undertake an Erasmus semester. Get them to check whether a work placement is integrated into the course - this can be a strong driver of CAO decision-making.

Be confident that these small talks add up. Researching courses and colleges is a process - it takes time and doesn't happen in a single sitting. But bear in mind that by gathering all the available facts, your son or daughter will make an informed decision.

Students need to register their CAO application by Thursday, February 1, 2024. Remember though that the CAO deadline isn't a "career red line" - after that, they have plenty of time to revise their choices and add to or amend their applications right up until July 1, 2024*.

You are their greatest advocate

Far from being some final point of decision, this is just the beginning of opportunity and discovery for your son or daughter. So be confident in encouraging them to see this process as a healthy consideration of choice and the first step in their formative and exciting journey to higher education and their future careers.

From my experience of graduate employability at the University of Limerick, employers are always looking for motivated graduates who can demonstrate skills, attributes, and understandings independent of their degree discipline. So, let your son or daughter take the wheel on this journey.

Embrace their right to respond to what motivates and inspires them. Trust in their individual talents and abilities. You are their greatest advocate. Let them know you are on their side.

*With the exception of restricted courses.

Dr Patrice Twomey, Director, Cooperative Education & Careers, University of Limerick

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Parents: How you can help your Leaving Cert student with their CAO application

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The Leaving Cert year can be hectic for students but it's no walk in the park for parents either. There will, of course, be some students who are clear about their CAO choices and even their future careers. But in my experience, certainty is for the few and CAO decisions don't always come neatly packaged.

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Recommended Reading for Secondary School Students

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Recommended Reading for Secondary School Students

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Parenting a teenager: Do you talk to your child about school life or their problems?

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About half of S'pore students surveyed felt their parents do not take an interest in what they are learning in school. Read more at straitstimes.com.

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Frequent use of social media could be linked to harmful behaviours in children and young people, such as drinking, taking drugs, smoking and gambling, a new study has suggested.

Exposure to alcohol advertising on different platforms had the strongest evidence of harm, researchers said.

A team from the University of Glasgow, the University of Strathclyde and Public Health Scotland examined the impact of social media on young people aged 10 to 19.

They looked at data from 73 studies carried out between 1997 and 2022, comprising 1.4 million teenagers with an average age of 15.

The analysis found daily social media use was associated with the likelihood of drinking alcohol (48%), drug use (28%) and smoking (85%) compared with infrequent users.

In terms of alcohol use, researchers identified stronger associations in people aged 16 and older, with those spending at least two hours a day on social media doubling the odds of drinking compared with people who spend less than two hours a day on the platforms.

Smoking and tobacco use was more frequent in low- to middle-income countries compared to high-income countries.

Researchers acknowledged that the findings, published in the BMJ, could also be influenced by unmeasured factors such as the behaviour of parents.

They added that, while social media use "is associated with adverse health risk behaviours in young people", further research is needed to "establish causality, understand effects on health inequalities, and determine which aspects of social media are most harmful".

Frequent social media use was also linked to "risky sexual behaviours", researchers said, such as sexting, transactional sex and inconsistent condom use (77%).

Those who were on the platforms daily were also more likely to engage in anti-social behaviour and were also more likely to gamble.

The team said "experimental and risk-taking behaviours are an inherent part of adolescence" and "safeguards for a digital world are still evolving".

"Precaution across academic, governmental, health and educational sectors may be warranted before the risks of adolescents' use of social media is fully understood," they added.

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Harmful behaviour in teens 'linked to social media use'

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Frequent use of social media could be linked to harmful behaviours in children and young people, such as drinking, taking drugs, smoking and gambling, a new study has suggested.

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Refusing to go to school is often about some underlying issue a child feels anxious about, and compassion, not anger, will help you get to the bottom of it

What do you do when your child refuses to go to school, or is constantly complaining of a sore tummy on school mornings, or you get frequent calls from the school (or desperate texts from your teenager) to pick them up because they are sick, or feel unable to attend class?

Any reluctance, refusal, or attempted avoidance of school can cause huge logistical headaches for parents, which can be exacerbated by parents' own stress or anxiety about their child's missed time from school.

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Dr David Coleman: How to manage kids and teens who don't want to go to school

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What do you do when your child refuses to go to school, or is constantly complaining of a sore tummy on school mornings, or you get frequent calls from the school (or desperate texts from your teenager) to pick them up because they are sick, or feel unable to attend class?

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Social issuesencompass the complex challenges that impact large segments of society, ultimately influencing the overall functioning of a community. It's important to recognize that teenagers, just like adults, grapple with these social issues. In fact, adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to these difficulties due to their ongoing brain development and rapid physical changes.

The ramifications of these social problems, often labelled as "teenage woos," extend to emotional and physical well-being.
A study conducted by the Pew Research Center, focusing on youths aged 13 to 17, identified anxiety and depression, bullying, as well as drug and alcohol use (and misuse), as major concerns. Notably, teenagers today encounter more profound complexities in their interpersonal relationships, than most adults.
The ubiquity of digital communication has fundamentally altered the dynamics of how adolescents engage with people. Consequently, many teenagers now find themselves deficient in critical interpersonal communication skills, such as the ability to decipher social cues effectively. This deficiency can be largely attributed to the excessive reliance on technology. Astonishingly, the average teenager devotes more than nine hours daily to their electronic devices. Their patterns of social media engagement and media consumption have not only reshaped their modes of communication but also affected the way they approach social connections, academia, wellness, physical activity, amongst other aspects of their lives.
The top social problems that teens seem to struggle every day are:

* Depression & Anxiety - Research suggests a striking seventy percent of teens acknowledged anxiety and depression as significant concerns within their peer group. Comprehensive data on the exact prevalence of anxiety disorders among teenagers remains somewhat elusive. Depression stands as a notable example of an issue affecting adolescents throughout history, albeit now receiving a welcome surge of public awareness in recent years.

* Bullying - Concerns related to personal safety weigh heavily on the minds of American teenagers. A notable 55% of teenagers identified bullying as a significant issue within their peer circles. Despite the implementation of anti-bullying initiatives, this problem endures. The persistence of this issue can be attributed to the coexistence of young, vulnerable, and easily influenced individuals within a social environment where shared fears and anxieties prevail, creating a breeding ground for instances of bullying.
* Drug & Alcohol Use - In recent years, there has been a notable surge in daily marijuana consumption among senior high school students, surpassing the rates of cigarette usage. Concurrently, the use of other illegal drugs has reached unprecedented lows, with ongoing studies indicating that since 2017, teenage engagement in illicit drug activities has reached an all-time nadir. Additionally, the consumption of alcohol and instances of binge drinking have both displayed a significant decline.

5 parenting lessons to learn from the Obamas

* Obesity - In line with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, it has been determined that approximately 20% of individuals between the ages of 12 and 19 are grappling with obesity. Beyond the distressing reality that overweight children are frequently subjected to bullying, it is essential to recognize that obese youngsters confront a significantly elevated risk of enduring lifelong health complications. These complications encompass a spectrum of conditions, including but not limited to diabetes, arthritis, cancer, and heart disease.
Tips to boost your teen's mental wellbeing

● The adolescent phase is a pivotal period for a child's acquisition of independence. It's essential to ensure that your teenager is afforded the appropriate autonomy, allowing them the necessary time and personal space for self-discovery and growth. This process is a fundamental and natural component of their maturation journey.
● Engage in the practice of mindfulness alongside your teenager. This approach serves to realign your attention with the present moment and equips both of you with enhanced stress-coping capabilities.
● Assist your teenager in cultivating the practice of journaling their thoughts and emotions. This valuable habit facilitates the management of intense feelings and the disentanglement of thoughts from emotions. By journaling, individuals gain improved insight into their thoughts and emotions, ultimately enhancing their capacity to navigate and cope effectively with life's challenges.
● Set a positive example by embodying the behaviours you wish your teenager to embrace. Strive to be a role model for them, recognizing that children primarily derive their behavioural cues from their parents.

● Make a conscious effort to observe and commend your teenager for their achievements, no matter how minor, such as tidying up after themselves. This practice serves to reinforce positive behavior patterns.
● Regularly engage in meaningful conversations with your teenager, encouraging them to openly communicate their emotions and thoughts.
● Allocate quality time to bond with your teenager through shared activities that you both find enjoyable, such as preparing a meal, gardening, or engaging in a painting session.
● Social media has entrenched itself as a significant component of every teenager's existence. It's imperative to advocate for its judicious use and remain vigilant, assessing whether prolonged exposure is contributing to your teenager's stress or affecting their mental well-being.
Written by Prakriti Poddar, Global Head, Mental Health & Wellbeing, RoundGlass Living app. Prakriti is also a certified counsellor.

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Is your teen struggling with social issues? Tips to boost your teenager's mental well-being | - Times of India

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Social issues affect both adults and teenagers, with adolescents being particularly vulnerable due to brain development and physical changes. The Pew

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My daughter in sixth year is fixated on becoming a nurse, but I worry that she won't get the CAO points based on her test results to date. Is there any other options outside the points race?
Entry into nursing has been a challenge for many Leaving Certificate students since it became a four-year level eight degree programme just more than 20 years ago. CAO points have climbed, partly due to spending cuts during the recession which resulted in hundreds of fewer places.

Minister for Higher and Further Education Simon Harris has since restored these nursing places and added more. In a new arrangement with university providers in Northern Ireland, the State is funding 250 additional places (200 in nursing, 20 in occupational therapy, 20 in physiotherapy and 10 in speech and language therapy) for students in the Republic. Mr Harris has renewed this initiative for 2024. Students who wish to secure any of these places must submit a standard UCAS application by the mid-January 2024 entry deadline.

[ My daughter loves learning languages. What are her best career options? ]

In addition, there is a new third-level option outside the CAO application process which does not require points. It has the potential to be a game-changer for many locked out of courses such as nursing due to high points requirements.

In these courses, students spend their first year in further education or a post-Leaving Cert course (PLC) and, having successfully completed the exams, transfer to the local technological university to complete the degree, without having to submit any further applications to the CAO. (PLCs have always offered one-year level five pre-nursing programmes - the problem was the lack of certainty about whether it would lead to a place in a nursing degree programme. This has been addressed in the new pathway.) Mr Harris has now established a National Tertiary Office ( nto.ie) which oversees this new pathway for nursing and a range of other programmes. Check out the website for more details.

To add further to the options open to your daughter, Hibernia College, the online provider of both primary and post-primary teacher training, has recently launched a level eight honours degree general nursing programme. They have regular webinars on all their degree offerings, including one this evening (October 24th) at 5pm on their general nursing degree option ( hiberniacollege.com).

The cumulative effect of all of the above developments is that nursing is now well within reach for the average student.

Admittedly, CAO points this year were still very high in some courses such as University College Cork (520) and University College Dublin (499). However, there were lower requirements in other settings such as Letterkenny, Castlebar, Sligo, Athlone and Tralee where they ranged between 350-371 points for the exact same degree. What is certain is that following the initiatives outlined above, the well-motivated average school leaver can now aspire to secure a nursing degree programme on the island of Ireland.

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My daughter wants to study nursing but I worry that CAO points are too high. Are there other options?

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For any well-motivated Leaving Cert student there is a range of alternative entry pathways into nursing

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As a parent, you're not just 'mom' or 'dad'. You're also a nurse, doctor, cook, teacher, coach, therapist, driver and cleaner - with no time off! While some parents can handle this load seamlessly, many others find juggling all these roles with paid work, running a household and trying to hold onto their own social lives, relationships wi ...Read More

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Raising your voice as a parent happens, we just need to monitor it to make sure it doesn't escalate

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Raising your voice as a parent happens, we just need to monitor it to make sure it doesn't escalate

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A new review of international studies by a University College London (UCL) team has found that ongoing verbal abuse can be deeply harmful to children, placing them at greater risk of engaging in self-harm, drug use and being jailed. The review of more than 13,000 studies suggests that the number of children who encounter verbal abuse is as high as 40%, considerably more than the estimated percentage of children who experience physical or sexual abuse.

Before we explore these findings, it is critical to understand what verbal abuse means.

Many parenting experts say we should never raise our voices to our children, advising we should be 'getting down to their level' and speaking in a neutral and calm tone. However, it's likely that anyone who suggests this approach has never tried to raise a boisterous child.

Context is critical when considering the impact of raising our voices to children. For example, if you enter your sitting room to see your four-year-old drawing with a permanent marker on your newly painted walls, the most likely result is you will raise your voice and lose your cool. This reaction is not verbal abuse - it is part of being human. And it can happen at any age.

Most of us have gotten into an altercation with a teenager, lost our composure and ended up threatening to ground them for a year, never giving them pocket money again, or something similar. While these are not our proudest parenting moments, they are understandable and inevitable. Parents are under enough pressure to be perfect at everything they do without suggesting they always speak with robotic calmness.

Even if it was possible never to raise your voice or lose your cool with your children, I am not convinced it would be a good approach. How would a child understand the impact of their behaviour on other people if they are only ever interacting with a neutral, non-emotive parent? Children need to test boundaries and know when they cross a line. When this happens, parents need to react and communicate that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Obviously, your reaction needs to be proportionate to the misbehaviour and ideally a calm, measured approach is optimal but this is not always possible. Parents should never lose their temper to the point where their child feels in danger, but communicating your displeasure and handing out a consequence is not only inevitable, it also may be necessary.

As parents, we need to respond rather than react. A reaction is an immediate retort based on your emotional state, whereas a response is a more thoughtful and measured way of managing conflict. While it may be impossible to respond in this way all the time - you're under time pressure to get a child to school or trying to get to work - it's possible to follow up a reaction with a responsive conversation when tempers calm and both parties can listen.

If, in hindsight, we realise we've overreacted to our child's misdemeanours, there is no shame in revisiting this incident while acknowledging your error of judgment and poor actions. I have often had conversations with my children that involve me owning up to my shortcomings, which I don't believe is a sign of weakness or poor parenting but a reasonable follow-up to a poorly managed situation.

The authors of the UCL review characterised adult-to-child verbal abuse as persistent aggressive shouting, constant yelling, denigrating the child, and verbal threats to their safety. The review found that children subject to extreme verbal abuse were at greater risk of developing significant behavioural and emotional problems into adulthood, such as self-harm and drug use.

The UCL review included a recent British survey of 1,000 11- to 17-year-olds in which 41% of the participants said parents, carers, teachers and friends' parents frequently used hurtful and upsetting words to blame, insult or criticise them. More than half (51%) said they experienced such behaviour weekly, and 10% said they encountered it daily. When asked what the most hurtful and upsetting phrases were, the young people cited examples such as: 'You're useless', 'you're stupid', and 'you can't do anything right'.

Review co-author Prof Peter Fonagy, CEO of the Anna Freud Centre, said: "Children are genetically prepared to trust what adults say and take grownups seriously. If we betray that trust by using words to abuse rather than teach, this can leave children not just ashamed, isolated and excluded, but also unable to engage with their community and draw the full benefit of social learning."

He went on to explain how using words to intimidate, shame and control children may appear less obviously harmful than physical assaults, but persistent verbal abuse can have the same consequences like negatively impacting their self-esteem, increased alcohol and substance misuse and an increase in anxiety and depressive disorders.

Another co-author of the review, American child abuse expert Prof Shanta Dube, said: "Adults are sometimes unaware of how their shouting tone and criticising words, such as 'stupid' and 'lazy', can negatively impact children, particularly if that is how they experienced being parented."

While this international review must be taken very seriously, we need to keep in mind it concerns the extreme end of verbal abuse. We also need to understand the difference between verbal abuse and an occasional lapse, which results in someone raising their voice or losing their composure.

My mother used to say, "If you have to raise your voice, you have already lost the argument", but even her voice went up a few octaves during various altercations with my two sisters and me. To err is human and the advice that we should never raise our voice when interacting with our children is unrealistic.

However, persistent yelling and denigrating comments are not acceptable. I have treated many children who were victims of sustained verbal abuse - the negative impact of this behaviour was profound and long-lasting. So if we recognise that during periods of stress, we are losing our composure more frequently with our children and our reactions to their misdemeanours are becoming more severe, we need to recognise the potentially serious impact of these actions and do whatever we can to address it.

Language is powerful. The research review also found that the most positive things the young participants reported were when adults said, 'I am proud of you', 'you can do it' and 'I believe in you'.

Verbal abuse has a lasting impact on children and may have severe consequences for the rest of their lives. But an occasional loss of composure and harsh words to your child or teenager is not the same.

Forget the parenting advice that suggests you must act like a robotic version of Mary Poppins - that is neither possible nor desirable. However, if you speak aggressively or harshly to your children regularly, you need to reflect and change your behaviour immediately.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist

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Colman Noctor: Verbal abuse seriously damages children

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Shouting at children puts them at greater long-term risk of engaging in self-harm, drug use and being jailed

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It's completely normal for teens to get distracted from study from time to time, especially during stressful exam periods or when they're struggling to understand the work. Plus, the transition to digital school work and having the internet right at our fingertips means that it's never been easier to be distracted.

Avoiding doing work or study is a really common response to feeling overwhelmed and stressed, but while leaning into a bit of self-care to get through high-stress study periods is one thing, you don't want your teen perfecting the art of procrastination because it'll come back to bite them during exam time.

If your teenager is struggling to balance study with school work, social media and other daily distractions, there are ways you can help them help themselves.

Set time aside for fun
After spending hours studying and working, it's to be expected that your teen might be feeling exhausted or stressed. While they may already have a study plan, encourage them to have a fun plan, too. If they have a specific time set aside for relaxing, social media or gaming, they'll have less desire to distract themselves while working.

Take regular minibreaks
Suggest that they work in chunks of time - say, 20 minutes - then take a few minutes to get a drink, stretch and walk around. This will keep up their energy, maintain their concentration and make study feel more manageable. You might keep an eye on how they're going by having a cup of tea and a quick chat with them during one of these scheduled mini-breaks.

Block screen alerts
If they're working on a tablet or computer that is linked to their messages or social media, encourage them to block the alerts. When they're concentrating, a message alert pinging up will distract them and break their train of thought. In their non-study time, they can go for it and catch up on social media.

Agree on 'phone free' zones
Have a conversation about areas of the house that can become temporary phone-free zones, such as where they study and where everyone eats together. Encourage the whole family to play a role in making it happen.

Create a space they can concentrate in
This is especially important if your teen has to study in a common area with plenty of distractions, like the living room or kitchen. Being around a lot of noise and activity can significantly disrupt their study routine. Creating a space that is primarily dedicated to their study hours (if possible) will help them to focus and concentrate.

If you're unable to create a dedicated space, try to create a quiet environment where they're studying. Keep the TV turned down or off and avoid having lengthy conversations around them. If you have other kids, ask them to keep the noise down, so their sibling doesn't get distracted. Some people work best with silence, others with a hum of background noise or music. See what works for them.

Minimise interruptions
While they're studying, don't let anyone disturb them; leave it until they're having a break. Did you know that it takes most people around 20 minutes to get back on track with study after an interruption?

Monitor their sleep
Lack of sleep makes you lose focus, so it's easier to procrastinate or get distracted when you're tired. Here's how you can help them get better sleep. On the flipside, if your teen is studying from home, there may be a temptation to hit snooze on the alarm and lay around all day. Explain to them the importance of maintaining a routine at a time like this, including when they wake up and go to bed. They can learn more sleep routine tips here.

Eat healthy, regular meals and snacks
Being hungry causes energy levels to drop and makes it hard to concentrate, so encourage your teen to eat proper meals and healthy energy snacks such as nuts. Help them out by using these handy tips when cooking them food. Sharing a meal with your teen is a good chance to check in on how their study is going. Even a break for a quick lunch before heading back to the books gives you a chance to ask how they're feeling and support their wellbeing.

Cut the caffeine
Encourage them to drink lots of tap water; being hydrated will help them concentrate. Long days at the desk may make them keen for coffee (and lots of it!). Remind them that too much of a good thing can be bad, and suggest alternatives: Herbal teas are an excellent calming substitute.

Exams, expectations and study loads can lead to your teenager being stressed and easily distracted. Trying even a few of these tips can help you support them to manage teenage distractions, keep calm during exam periods and study more efficiently, which reduces their overall stress and improves their wellbeing. If your teen has ADHD, it's likely that many of these traditional distraction management methods won't be as effective for them. Read more on how to support teens with ADHD.

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How your teenager can manage distractions - ReachOut Parents

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Exam stress can lead to your teenager being easily distracted. Learn more about how they can manage distractions and study more efficiently with these tips from ReachOut Parents.

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Joanna Fortune: My teen won’t tell us where they’ve been on trips to the city with friends

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I want to encourage her independence but I’m worried about her safety

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Growing Pains

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1. Growing pains: Colman Noctor on how to deal with childhood anxiety 21:13

Child psychotherapist and best-selling author, Dr. Colman Noctor, joins ieParenting editor, Irene Feighan, to discuss the epidemic of anxiety among young people. Colman offers guidance on recognising when anxiety goes beyond the norm and how to help your child through it. He explains that while he does not buy into the notion that strength comes from adversity, there needs to be a balance between helping your child and letting them figure things out for themselves.

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Listen to Growing Pains from Growing Pains .

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Every week Moncrieff is joined by a parenting expert and child psychologist each week to answer questions sent in from listeners.

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Child psychotherapist and best-selling author, Dr Colman Noctor, joins ieParenting editor, Irene Feighan, to discuss the epidemic of anxiety among young people.

Colman offers guidance on recognising when anxiety goes beyond the norm and how to help your child through it.

He explains that while he does not buy-in to the notion that strength comes from adversity, there needs to be a balance between helping your child and letting them figure things out for themselves.

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Growing Pains podcast: Colman Noctor on how to deal with childhood anxiety

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Episode one of our new ieParenting podcast is available now

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Help, my daughter says everyone has made friends at secondary school already — except her

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Their first term of first year doesn’t have to be as daunting as you think

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Navigating the last few days leading up to exams

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Navigating the last few days leading up to exams

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AS this year's Leaving Cert approaches, many students will be trying to do some last-minute revision and preparation for the exams.

Maintaining focus over the coming weeks will be a challenge for many as the stress and fatigue of months of hard work can take their toll. However, with careful planning and preparation, students can achieve quite a lot in the short space of time that is left, and remain focused, calm and motivated.

Success for some will be achieving high grades, for others it will be passing the exams, success is relative to the individual.

However, taking the time to prepare for the exams in a realistic way will allow each student, regardless of the results they want to achieve, to be as ready as possible.

When it comes to revision, many students try to focus on certain subjects and decide what they will revise when they sit down to study. This can create a lot of anxiety as it can be difficult to focus on one particular topic at a time, especially when the pressure of the exams starting soon is taken into account.

This allows students to focus on the key topics that they need to focus on and identify areas that they could improve on. This method gives young people a sense of control over what they will be doing over the coming days and reduce the amount of stress they might feel.

Whenever exams are approaching there is a tendency to think that we can cram a lot of work into the last few days. Although a lot can be achieved, thinking that it will be possible to revise everything in each subject in a short space of time will result in increased stress and anxiety and will also become counterproductive. When we try to do too much in a short space of time our brains are incapable to retaining the large volumes of information, we are trying to force it to remember.

This results in students feeling that they can't remember what they have tried to revise and makes studying feel like a waste of time. By setting realistic goals for each area of revision, students will get value for the time they put into revision as they will retain more information. This will also help build self-belief and momentum as when we feel like our efforts are helping us to progress towards our goals, we will become more focused and motivated.

Not many people have the capacity to sit and read a textbook and retain the information. This is known as passive revision and many students become extremely frustrated when they attempt to read over textbooks or notes and find that what they are able to remember is very little.

Active learning requires students to revise in a way that allows the to study the material they need to learn and also use that information in a practical way to reinforce the learning.

This will show how much they have learned but will also allow them to identify areas that they need to go back over again. This method is more productive and gives students an important sense of progress in return for the effort they are putting in.

Over the coming weeks students will experience some inevitable ups and downs. The pressure of the upcoming exams as well as months of hard work will have an affect and many students will feel exhausted at times. Some days it might be difficult to find the motivation to revise. This is normal and when it happens its important that young people don't become overly critical of themselves.

Many of us believe that to achieve anything we must first be motivated and then take action. However, in most cases to find our motivation we must first take action. On the difficult days students need to try and take some positive action, even the smallest amount of revision on these days can give a sense of achievement and help students persevere when it is difficult to do so.

All of us have a tendency to compare ourselves to others, more often to not in a negative way. Students often fall into the trap of comparing themselves to friends and classmates and feel like everyone else is doing more than them.

There will be challenges over the next few days and weeks for students, however focusing on the positive actions they can take will allow them the best chance of achieving success.

Alan White is a second level teacher, 6th Year Head and wellbeing author at Bishopstown Community School. He also facilitates wellbeing workshops for companies and organisations. For more information visit www.changeswellbeing.ie linkedin Alan White or facebook Changes Wellbeing

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How to navigate the last few days leading to the Leaving Cert and Junior Cert exams

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AS this year's Leaving Cert approaches, many students will be trying to do some last-minute revision and preparation for the exams. Maintaining focus over the coming weeks will be a challenge for many as the stress and fatigue of months of hard work can take their toll.

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One of the most challenging stages of our parenting journey is negotiating the teenage years. This is just as hard on our teenagers as it is on parents and it might be helpful to hold this in mind. I always think of this stage of development as a second bite of the developmental apple because in toddlerhood it's our task to develop boundaries and set limits for our children. It's their task to push against those boundaries and seek to defy the limits. The toddler stage can be challenging but it is also developmentally normal.

In adolescence, our teenagers are pulling away from us, leaning further into their peer group and the outside world. This is part of their journey towards autonomy and setting themselves apart from their parents. Overt defiance or perhaps patterns of oppositional behaviour are developmentally normal at this stage.

A number of behavioural changes occur quickly in adolescence, one of which is that our teenagers believe they have left the age of command (do as you are told) and have entered an age of consent (let's talk about it). So yes, you have set specific rules and expectations and she now believes compliance is (somewhat) up to her.

On this point, try to pick your battles so that you are not always at loggerheads. Reflect on your parental essentials - those red-line non-negotiable expectations you will have - versus what your parental preferences are (what you would really like her to do but are not essential).

Be prepared to hold the essentials in a gentle yet firm way and to be flexible on your preferences.

Protecting our relationship, keeping the lines of communication open, and investing in relational connection as a route to behavioural correction are all critical during the teenage years.

Think about what isn't working, where you can be flexible and what small changes would help you all at this time. Then when driving or out for a walk, calmly say that the rules about homework and phone use you had agreed upon don't seem to be working, so you'd like to explore a new agreement around these issues with her. Know where you can give in a bit without compromising what needs to be done.

You say you are worried about her influence over her siblings. But it is not her job to positively influence her siblings at this age, though it would be lovely if she did.

The developmental tasks of adolescence are all-consuming and challenging enough without being held responsible for siblings' behaviour too.

You and your daughter are learning at this stage, and as she grows and develops, so must your parenting.

My book and podcast episode on the five adjustments in adolescent development - exa.mn/15-Minute-teenagers - may be helpful.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune please send it to parenting@examiner.ie

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Joanna Fortune: Our teenage daughter is breaking all the rules

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One of the most challenging stages of our parenting journey is negotiating the teenage years. This is just as hard on our teenagers as it is on parents and it might be helpful to hold this in mind.

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With just four weeks left until the Leaving Cert exams begin, it's important for candidates to make the most of their study time and to focus on effective strategies that will help them to succeed.

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How to make the most of study time in the final weeks before Leaving Cert exams

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With just four weeks left until the Leaving Cert exams begin, it's important for candidates to make the most of their study time and to focus on effective strategies that will help them to succeed.

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How to be there for your children in the final weeks before the Leaving Cert exams

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How to be there for your children in the final weeks before the Leaving Cert exams

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With anxiety levels high for exam students, the most useful parental support is empathy and warmth and reassuring them that you have faith in them

The state exams are just four weeks away. For some students, this may be the final push of a long-drawn-out study plan that culminates with the exams themselves. For others, the realisation of the proximity of the exams will mean the start of some major cramming in these last few weeks. For others again the exams will continue to be a low priority and may continue to get a minimal investment of time.

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How to be there for your kids in the final few weeks before the Leaving Cert exams

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The state exams are just four weeks away. For some students, this may be the final push of a long-drawn-out study plan that culminates with the exams themselves. For others, the realisation of the proximity of the exams will mean the start of some major cramming in these last few weeks.

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For many Leaving Cert students, school days are almost over and the stark reality of sitting English Paper 1 at 9.30am on Wednesday, June 7th, is staring you in the face. You may be feeling anxious, even overwhelmed. But there is no need to panic.

Even if you think you are sunk and have not applied yourself throughout the year, that need not spell disaster if you approach the next few weeks calmly and strategically. There is still time to improve greatly on your potential grade performance - but there are some important pointers to keep in mind in the run-up to the exams.

Do map out your last few weeks of study

Allowing for gaps between exams after the first week's papers are completed, you can clock up many hours of high-quality revision before you sit the last paper.

Firstly, print out your exam timetable from the examination.ie website. Working backwards from your last paper, map out exactly when you are going to tackle every single question on your study plan.

If you don't have one, and are using past papers as a guide, draft one right now. You may be surprised to realise you can still cover the majority of your course curriculum if you punch in a solid day's work.

Study is most effective if you write short summaries of key points on each question on to mind maps, which you can review the evening before each exam.

Practise writing out the answer to a past question within the time you will have on the day of that specific subject. Do no more than three hours study across four questions before taking a break for at least an hour. Keep yourself hydrated with water. No sugar highs, because they play havoc with your capacity to concentrate.

Don't focus all your effort into your weak areas

It might seem like the smart approach to focus only on your weak areas or subjects. That is important, but don't neglect areas that you think you already know.

Remember: doing well in examinations is 50 per cent technique and 50 per cent knowledge of your subject. You have absorbed many times more information over the past two years than you could ever present in your Leaving or Junior Certificate.

Do put a big focus on exam technique

The next few weeks should be about fine-tuning your answers in line with the marking schemes, published by the State Examinations Commission ( examinations.ie).

These are a vital resource as they will show you exactly what the teacher marking your paper will be looking for when they bring up your exam script online on their PC on a hot afternoon in July.

Two students with the same amount of information on a topic may get radically different grades, depending on how each present the information to the correcting teacher.

Timing is also crucial. Estimate how long you have to work on each question. Practise doing this with a watch in preparation for the real exams.

Don't go into more detail than needed

Four or five key points are more than enough for most topics - and will get you more marks than more detailed answers with just one or two points. The detail of your answer to any particular portion of a question should be in proportion to the numbers of marks available for that section.

When you sit down to read your paper on the day of the exam and select those questions you will attempt, four or five key words as rough work at the back of the answer book are all you will need to structure your answer to any question comprehensively.

Once you get started, you will find that the information starts to fall into place in your mind. Therefore, you should reduce your recall triggers to no more than a handful of points or key words on any topic.

Do use stress to redouble your motivation

The best way to rid yourself of the stress you are probably feeling right now is to get stuck into a solid study routine. Sitting around worrying about how you are going to get through the exams will get you nowhere. Use the stress you are feeling to help to maintain your focus over the coming weeks.

Minimise distractions. Stay away from social media. Turn off that phone. With the right focus, you might surprise yourself by what you can accomplish. If, however, exam stress becomes a real problem for you, consult your family doctor, who will be able to help you deal effectively with it.

Don't wait for someone to tell you what to do

School days and the support your teachers have given you over the past 14 years or so are over. The next month before the exams, and the study periods in between them, is more than enough time to pull all that you have learned over the past two years together, to practise presenting your knowledge in the most exam-friendly manner, and to strengthen your weak spots.

It's also possible to do this while living a balanced lifestyle, exercising and eating well and giving yourself the occasional treat to recharge the batteries and keep up your energy levels. A detailed plan is a good place to start.

Do get a good night's sleep

You must aim to be in the best shape possible when the day of each element of the exam arrives. Don't stay up too late to the point where you're exhausted in the morning. Do everything in moderation. Exercise and downtime are a great antidote for stress.

Don't forget about support available from your teachers

If you feel unsure of your capacity to answer a particular question, contact the relevant teacher and ask them for help. Most will be more than happy to help out as they are still in school working with non-State exam students.

They have huge experience of preparing students for exams as well as having taken a few in their own time. Don't be tempted to seek last-minute grinds if you run into trouble with a topic or subject. Go into school and ask your teacher to explain it to you. If your teachers are still offering either formal or informal classes, tap into their expertise. There are also very good sources of online help.

Do seek support from your parents - your family will always be there for you

The best advice I give to parents at this stage is to just listen. There's no point pretending to be an expert. What they need at this highly stressful time is someone to listen to them without criticism.

If you show your child trust and unconditional acceptance, they may tell you what they are really feeling. Having given them your listening ear, you can ask them whether there is anything you can do to help them improve their performance in their examinations.

It may be as simple as being at home more to ensure a calm, quiet atmosphere in which they can study more effectively.

[ 'I worked harder in fifth year than in sixth': How to get 625 points in the Leaving Cert ]

Don't take part in any activities that will knock you off stride on the final lap

Remember, performance on the day of the examination is determined by physical, psychological and emotional wellbeing, as well as preparedness in the subject material.

Those facing into the stressful conditions of examinations need regular physical exercise through sport, walking, jogging or swimming.

As always, you need to avoid alcohol and drugs; not an easy task given the peer pressure on your age group.

Given the levels of energy required to perform to your potential across seven subjects over three weeks, you also need to maintain a nutritious, healthy and balanced, diet, avoiding excessive sugar intake and junk food.

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One month to the Leaving Cert exams: the dos and don'ts of the final countdown

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For many Leaving Cert students, school days are almost over and the stark reality of sitting English Paper 1 at 9.30am on Wednesday, June 7th, is staring you in the face. You may be feeling anxious, even overwhelmed. But there is no need to panic.

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Ebook - Parenting Positively - Teenage Well-being

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Parents often feel challenged when their children enter their teenage years. This booklets offers support and guidance with the aim to help parents maintain a positive relationship with their son or daughter. Free ebook: After checkout, you will be emailed a download link. To order a hardcopy,...

Parents often feel challenged when their children enter their teenage years. This booklets offers support and guidance with the aim to help parents maintain a positive relationship with their son or daughter. Free ebook: After checkout, you will be emailed a download link. To order a hardcopy, please email resources@barnardos.ie.

For publications: The rate charged for the shipping of your publications order is based on the weight of your products, and your location. Before the final checkout page, you will be shown the complete shipping cost.

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Free ebooks and Library Membership: These products do not carry any shipping charge. Free ebooks can be downloaded at checkout; library membership details will be sent to you via email.

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Ebook - Parenting Positively - Teenage Well-being

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Parents often feel challenged when their children enter their teenage years. This booklets offers support and guidance with the aim to help parents maintain a positive relationship with their son or daughter. Free ebook: After checkout, you will be emailed a download link. To order a hardcopy, please email resources@ba

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Supporting Girls to stay engaged in Sport

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Supporting Girls to stay engaged in Sport

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Ongoing research shows that sports provide multiple physical and mental health benefits. However, women and girls have long been underrepresented in sporting activities. According to a 2021 Sport Ireland report far fewer teenage girls participate in sports in Ireland than the national average in other countries.

I can see this dynamic emerge in my family as my daughter, who is almost 11, requires considerably more cajoling to attend her weekly sports activities than she did in previous years. By contrast, her older brother can't get enough time on the pitch.

That young girls are dropping out of team sports is anecdotally well known. But are the reasons well understood and what can we do to prevent this from happening?

The Sport Ireland study, titled found that girls' participation in sports plummets during adolescence, with just 7% of girls aged 14-15 meeting recommended daily physical activity levels. Yet, research tells us that girls active in a sport during their teenage years are far more likely to develop a positive life-long relationship with sport and exercise, with significant potential benefits to their overall health and wellbeing.

This is not a new development. When I grew up in the 1980s, I remember my two older sisters constantly badgering my mother to write them notes to get them out of having to do PE classes. However, the same two girls grew up to be women who regularly exercise, one being an avid circuit trainer and the other having completed several half-marathons.

Including sports activities as part of the school day does not seem effective in helping young girls develop healthy or positive relationships with sports. While girls may be self-conscious about engaging in physical activity in front of boys, for example, in mixed-gender school environments, the drop-off rates of girls in sport are pervasive in single-sex schools too, which suggests the current physical education model is not creating a positive relationship with sport for the majority of teenage girls regardless of the gender mix of the school environment.

Adolescence is a critical life stage, and lifelong attitudes and behaviours are established during these formative years. While it is essential to recognise that teenage girls are not a homogenous group and have different needs, desires and levels of maturity, we still need to explore why most of them engage and disengage in organised sport.

The Sport Ireland researchers found that the sports sector in Ireland caters mainly for actively engaged "sporty" girls, but is less effective in recognising the requirements of "non-sporty" or disengaged girls who may need different or adapted pathways and approaches to attract and sustain their interest.

One of the reasons teenage girls said they left sporting activities was the tendency for coaches to focus more time and effort on talented players, who often determine the culture and atmosphere of the team. Also, the more serious players, usually boys or sporty girls, can be vocally critical of those less talented, leading to cliquey behaviour and exclusion.

When the focus is solely on results, the fun element can be considered childish or not serious enough by committed players and coaches. In the Sport Ireland report, inactive girls were more attracted to activities focusing on fun, enjoyment and wellbeing than activities promoting talent. I see this in my daughter, who often mentions how she prefers training to playing matches and always seems to enjoy summer camp culture more than the regular season atmosphere.

The biggest barrier that prevents inactive girls from taking part in sports and physical activity is not feeling good enough. Such girls often have narrow and often negative experiences of a small number of traditional (and dominant) team sports and think this is all that sport is and can be.

Teenage girls told Sports Ireland that they feel too old to start a new sport since most begin when very young and are more advanced by the time they reach their teens, especially in Gaelic football and camogie.

Most girls associate "sportiness" with a team and contact sports. Those interested in general exercise do not feel targeted by sporting initiatives such as GAA, soccer and rugby, many of which are popular with boys.

When teens believe they aren't good enough and their peers and coaches reinforce this, it can leave them feeling ashamed, embarrassed, exposed and isolated, compounded by feeling responsible for "letting the team down". These intense feelings are amplified by the teasing, embarrassment, and self-consciousness girls already experience during puberty due to their changing bodies. Consequently, "non-sporty" girls tend to gravitate toward individual exercise and non-team-based activities, where no one is relying on them to be the best or judging them for not being good enough.

However, by participating in individual exercise, girls can miss out on the social support and motivation of team sports and find it harder to maintain a regular exercise routine.

Girls need encouragement and reassurance from friends, other players and coaches. They want to feel they belong, and are making a valued contribution, even if they're not the best player on the team. Taking part should be fun, not fear-inducing. Excuses like lack of interest or being too busy could disappear if engagement were prioritised over performance.

Most beginner classes are aimed at primary school girls, so teenage beginners fall through the gap. It would help if sporting bodies introduced beginner or entry-level classes and activities for teenage girls. A development like this would level the playing field and help the girls to build skills with others of a similar age, feel more comfortable and develop confidence. Furthermore, measures that allow a flexible level of commitment could result in "more girls doing less" instead of "fewer girls doing more". Such changes cannot come soon enough for teenage girls left on the sidelines.

Next week's column will explore how we can create spaces for teenage girls designed to meet their needs instead of expecting them to abandon their preferences.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist

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Colman Noctor: Supporting girls to stay engaged in sport

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Ongoing research shows that sports provide multiple physical and mental health benefits. However, women and girls have long been underrepresented in sporting activities. According to a 2021 Sport Ireland report far fewer teenage girls participate in sports in Ireland than the national average in other countries.

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Exam stress often kicks in immediately after the Easter break.

Previously it was largely the Leaving Certificate cohort who were likely to express severe exam anxiety. But I am seeing a growing number of students as young as first-year who say they are stressed about their performance in school summer tests.

Leaving Cert stress is not new. My mother is in her 70s, and she still talks about having the classic Leaving Cert nightmare. This is perhaps inevitable when the system is designed so that your whole 15-year educational journey essentially comes down to one exam.  But even though the curriculum has changed, with students allowed to submit projects as part of their final exam in some subjects, there does not seem to be any let-up in the collective experience of exam stress.

This is not surprising, given the hysteria often accompanying the exam period. Advertisements for revision courses and the publication of Leaving Cert points league tables all feed into the swell of anxiety around the examination. Also, it is difficult to escape the pervasive narrative that the outcome of your Leaving Certificate will indelibly impact your future.  All this is a considerable stress to place on the shoulders of a teenager.

Often the finger of blame is pointed at the parents, but this is not always the case. Some young people are internally driven, and despite multiple reassurances from parents, they continue to pressure themselves to achieve and excel academically. Also, schools with a strong academic focus can create a culture of pressure and expectation. But for many young people who experience exam stress, it is not a result of having a laser-like focus on a particular point's target - it merely comes from a perceived need to keep up with their high-achieving peers.

The main sources of motivation are desire and fear. While the desire to do well in an academic endeavour is not a bad thing, high levels of stress due to fear of failure can damage our emotional wellbeing.

So, what can grown-ups do to help young people to manage the stress that exam time inevitably brings?

Communicating with a teenager who is anxious about exams can be difficult. If you say, "We don't care what results you get", they may think you don't believe in them. And if you say, "We know you will do great", you can be accused of putting pressure on them. It can be difficult to know what to do or say.

When people are anxious, they tend to do two things: overestimate the challenge and underestimate their ability. Therefore, the role of the adult supporter is to help the teenager put the challenge in perspective and remind them of their competence.

We might think it is a good idea to list out all of the people who ended up being successful, though they did not complete or failed their Leaving Certificate. However, this tactic provides little solace to the teenager going through the process. Or if we repeatedly say the Leaving Cert is 'not a big deal', this is also ineffective because it is a big deal to the student.

A better perspective can be achieved by encouraging the young person to see 'success' and 'failure' as fluid terms. We experience degrees of success and failure in life, which all have different consequences. Young people need to have a range of possible outcomes and an action plan for each eventuality. For example, if a young person feels they need a certain amount of points to get their ideal course, they should also have a menu of options they can pursue if the optimal outcome does not transpire. This spectrum of possible outcomes means that all eventualities are considered. Such an approach helps to manage their stress because it removes the focus on an outcome representing success and all other outcomes indicating failure. It takes the pressure off by allowing them to see a series of options open to them, whatever the final results are.

Perhaps the reason why exam stress is becoming more problematic is not that the subjects are any more difficult than in times gone by, but instead, high expectations are creating anxiety and stress.

The CAO introduced the existing common points system in 1992, and the figures show a steady increase in the proportion of pupils getting better results. For instance, when the standard system was introduced, one in every 25 candidates got 450-490 points. By 2005, nearly three times as many students got at least 450 points compared to the early 1990s. For example, in 1992, 6.2% of students reached 450 points, but by 2005 this had risen to 17% of candidates, and by 2022 this rose to almost 39%.

This rise in points is symptomatic of the rising tide of expectation and directly related to what young people consider 'enough'. Our concept of 'success' has evolved and grown, creating more potential for young people to end up in the 'non-successful' or 'failure' category. This fear is an unhelpful motivator and undoubtedly places more pressure on students facing exam season.

Attending a third-level academic institution is assumed a given if you want to be considered 'successful'. The rising number of young people progressing to third-level education has to be lauded, especially for those from more disadvantaged backgrounds who previously could not have dreamed of pursuing a third-level education. But the downside of the trend is it does not embrace the variety of ways in which young people learn and probably has resulted in a narrowed focus on what type of learning is rewarded.

An overly anxious student believes that the hours they put into exam preparation are helping them to control the variables. It's similar to the 'fail to prepare, prepare to fail' philosophy. But many young people do not realise that the brain, like a muscle, needs downtime to regenerate and replenish. Recent research supports the implementation of movement breaks etc, to enhance neurological performance. So rather than demand that a child 'do less', which can increase their anxiety, pitch the idea of 'less is more' when studying.  Like physical fitness, marathon runners don't run a marathon a day in the week of a big race. Instead, they carefully manage their training load to peak at the right time.

As parents and supportive adults, the best approach is to remind the anxious and exam-stressed young person of context, perspective and a menu of options. While acknowledging the intense pressure, point out this is a 'moment in time' and will not last forever. Allow the young person to gain a perspective around their study habits and try to sell the idea of tailored study times where downtime and rest days are as important as the hours spent rote learning and note taking.

And encourage them to identify a menu of options depending on the outcome, with different results having different potential routes. This contingency planning will help the young person see that the stakes are not that high and that they are not putting all their chips on black in the Leaving Cert roulette.

In reality, all young people do what they can, and the results will look after themselves. Concentrate on valuing their efforts instead of outcome and assure them if they 'trust their process', all will come good.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist

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Colman Noctor: Focus on the child, not on the exam result

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Exam stress often kicks in immediately after the Easter break. Previously it was largely the Leaving Certificate cohort who were likely to express severe exam anxiety. But I am seeing a growing number of students as young as first-year who say they are stressed about their performance in school summer tests.

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Free online mindfulness based stress reduction class for examination students

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Free online mindfulness based stress reduction class for examination students

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As exam season is approaching rapidly and stress levels can be high amongst students, a free online mindfulness based stress reduction class for students ages 14-18 will run on Tuesday the 25th of May at 7.30-8.30pm. Included in this course will be tools and techniques to reduce stress, anxiety and low mood around exam times. There will be meditation, breathing practices & fun exercises that encourage wellbeing not only around exam times but that students can use in everyday life.

The facilitator is a a qualified mindfulness and positive psychology expert who has trained with the Irish mindfulness academy and has been practicing mindfulness for 4 years.

Parents of students interested can sign up via email or directly through the website www.mintinnmindfulness.com or if there are any questions please email: info@mintinnmindfulness.com.

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It can be very difficult to feel motivated if our mental health is under stress. I suggest you explore if something specific is happening in her life that may be causing increased distress and contributing to her withdrawal.

Your question about how you can motivate her is where I would like to start. We have two motivational systems: one renders us sensitive to reward, and the other renders us sensitive to punishment. In other words, some are motivated by the pursuit of a positive outcome, and others tend to be more motivated when they fear the consequences of not acting. As a starting point, it might be helpful to reflect on which of these two systems has been your daughter's dominant motivational system over the years.

Perhaps you motivated her with rewards or sticker charts as a child because it prompted action. The issue with this approach is that it can teach children that something is only worth doing if there is a reward on the table and they may struggle to self-motivate without someone actively incentivising them.

Self-motivation comes easier to some people than it does to others so rather than criticising her lack of self-motivation, look for ways to help her activate that drive within herself. By strengthening your emotional connection with her, you are investing in her capacity to self-motivate.

Criticising your daughter will only activate her defences and push her away. Instead, seek to support her in connecting with her own desires. Try a creative communication technique such as: 'describe a day in your life ten years from now'. If this is too much for her, describe a day in your life five years from now. What is important here is that you do not critique or dismiss anything she imagines herself doing as 'silly' or 'unrealistic' but respond with acceptance and curiosity - 'that sounds like an enjoyable job/life/activity' - and wonder with her what needs to happen to get to this ideal place. Slowly and with creativity, work backwards with her to establish tangible steps and actions that will bring her to this goal.

Self-motivation is supported when we can identify and set practical, tangible and achievable goals. Once we do that, we establish a pattern of reviewing and revising these goals with a steady frequency. Some people live by a five-year plan, and others need to set a three-month plan. Given the slump you describe your daughter being in, perhaps suggest that you each set one goal. Make your goal for her attainable and positive in wording.

Positive feedback is another motivational force, so pause to consider the last time you told her what she is doing well, how proud you are of her and how much you believe in her.

Judging by your longer letter, you sound pretty worn out with the collective stress of what has been happening. It may also be worth identifying a mentor (within the school, family or community) she can connect with and who will support her moving forward.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please email it to parenting@examiner.ie

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Joanna Fortune: How can I motivate my teenage daughter to study?

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It can be very difficult to feel motivated if our mental health is under stress. I suggest you explore if something specific is happening in her life that may be causing increased distress and contributing to her withdrawal. Your question about how you can motivate her is where I would like to start.

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Limerick Education Centre Continuous Professional Development Courses for Teachers

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This webinar will focus on how parents and guardians can help to support their anxious teens. It will also explore how teenage brains are more vulnerable to anxiety. Parent-led CBT specific techniques will also be examined. Participants will receive information on effective communication and how to talk to teenagers about mental health.
Discussion Topics will be:

Teen Anxiety Levels.

Signs of Anxiety in Teenagers.

The Developing Brain.

Talking to your Teenager about Anxiety.

Parent-Led CBT Specific Techniques.

Supports Available

Topic Areas:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy; Mental Health; Adolescents; Relationships; Relaxation Techniques; Anxiety; CBT Techniques.
Facilitator - Nicola Culloty
Nicola Culloty began her career as a primary school teacher over 20 years ago. Nicola completed a Masters in CBT and founded her CBT practice Full Circle CBT in 2020. Nicola has recently completed a Diploma in Traumatology and PTSD.

She is very experienced on the impact of trauma on both adults and children and is proficient in the techniques used to overcome and assist those living with mental health issues.

She provides webinar and on-site training to school staff, service providers, agencies and companies. Nicola has facilitated parenting groups and worked closely with parents of children in her roles as teacher, therapist and HSCL. Nicola provides training in the area of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She also provides parenting support to parents of both young children and adolescents. Nicola provides online therapeutic support to children and teenagers of all ages.

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This webinar will focus on how parents and guardians can help to support their anxious teens. It will also explore how teenage brains are more vulnerable to anxiety. Parent-led CBT specific techniques will also be examined. Participants will receive information on effective communication and how to talk to teenagers about mental health.

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Understanding Anxiety and Depression in Teenagers

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Understanding Anxiety and Depression in Teenagers

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Following unprecedented demand, Dr Gavin has accepted to do a second evening on her talk on 'Understanding Anxiety in Teenagers' and 'Understanding Depression in Teenagers'. Dr. Gavin has also offered to do a talk on 'Anxiety and Treatment' with us in April.

We are delighted and honoured that Dr. Blanaid Gavin will be joining us again.  https://people.ucd.ie/blanaid.gavin

1. 'Understanding Anxiety in Teenagers' and 'Understanding Depression in Teenagers' with Dr. Blanaid Gavin via zoom on Thursday, March 30th from 7-9pm.

2. 'Anxiety and Treatment' with Dr. Blanaid Gavin via zoom on Thursday, April 20th from 7-9pm

To receive the zoom links to join these upcoming talks, please register at:   https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/parent-talks/

Our Parents Talks are free to parents. Demand is very high and places are limited so we run entry to the talk on a first-come basis. We are unable to provide a recording so please do show on the night. Although we will do our utmost to accommodate everyone, once capacity is reached, we are unable to allow any further entries.

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Following an unprecedented interest in Cycle Against Suicide's recent information talk with Dr. Blanaid Gavin https://people.ucd.ie/blanaid.gavin on 'Understanding Anxiety in Teenagers', parents can now register for access to the recording.

𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗔𝗻𝘅𝗶𝗲𝘁𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝗧𝗲𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀

In this session, Dr. Gavin talks about what anxiety is, why it happens, when to be concerned, and how to help.

𝗨𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗗𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗧𝗲𝗲𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀

Dr. Gavin also discusses what is known about the causes and consequences of depression and what is known to aid recovery.

This recording is free to all parents.

For access, parents can register at:  https://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/parent-talks/

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The Board of Cycle Against Suicide subscribes to and is fully compliant with all legislation,

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Something is going very wrong for teenagers. Between 1994 and 2010, the share of British teens who do not consider themselves likable fell slightly from 6 per cent to 4 per cent; since 2010 it has more than doubled. The share who think of themselves as a failure, who worry a lot and who are dissatisfied with their lives also kicked up sharply.

The same trends are visible across the Atlantic. The number of US high school students who say their life often feels meaningless has rocketed in the past 12 years. And it's not just the anglosphere. In France, rates of depression among 15- to 24-year-olds have quadrupled in the past decade.

Wherever you look, youth mental health is collapsing, and the inflection point is ominously consistent: 2010 give or take a year or two - when smartphones went from luxury to ubiquity.

The theory that having social media and other digital delights within arm's reach 24/7 may be having a harmful effect on mental health is not new. Its leading advocate is Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of dozens of pioneering studies on the topic.

But it is still far from universally accepted. The work of Twenge and her regular co-author Jonathan Haidt has at times been criticised for simply surfing the wave of popular opposition to big tech. Yet as evidence for their arguments mounts, many are now wondering why it has taken us so long to accept what was right in front of us.

The signs are everywhere. First, digital socialising has displaced in-person gatherings. The share of US teens who meet up in-person with friends less than once a month stood at 3 per cent between 1990 and 2010, but reached 10 per cent by 2019, meanwhile the share who say they are "constantly online" has now reached 46 per cent.

Some counter that it can't just be that apps are crowding out real life - after all, the people who are busiest on Instagram are often the busiest in the real world, too. But that misses a key dynamic: these trends operate at the generational level, not the individual. As screen-time has surged, everyone hangs out less.

But the individual-level dynamics are striking, too. Studies show that the more time teens spend on social media, the worse their mental health is. The gradient is steepest for girls, who also spend much more time on social media than boys, explaining the sharper deterioration among girls' mental health than boys'.

It's a similar story with the higher rates of depression among liberal teens than conservatives. If you suspect liberal kids are more depressed due to growing up in a culture that valorises concern for injustice, I would advise caution. First, Twenge's research points to a likelier explanation: liberal youths simply spend more time online than conservatives. Second, we see the same rising trend among conservatives - it's just lagging.

Some suggest that modern society is more open about discussing mental health, so what we're seeing is just a rise in reporting, not prevalence. But British teens who spend five or more hours a day on social media are at two to three times greater risk of self-harm than their less-online peers. It's a similar story in the US with suicidal ideation. Grimmest of all, the now-familiar hockey stick trend is also clear in rates of suicide deaths among British and American teens.

Others point out that correlation is not causation. Indeed. But we now have a growing body of research showing that reducing time on social media improves mental health.

So, what can we do? The most common response is "educate kids and parents". But as the cases of obesity and smoking show, public information campaigns are notoriously ineffective in the face of addiction.

Another option would be to build on the evidence that when people are encouraged to take an extended break from social media, some disconnect for good. And then there's regulation - why not increase the age limit for social apps and punish companies that don't enforce them?

Ultimately, though, I'm not optimistic. Combating obesity has been so hard because you can't stop people eating food. And fighting social media addiction is hard because you can't stop people using smartphones and apps. Until someone invents the equivalent of a weight-loss drug for Instagram, the future looks ominous. - Copyright The Financial Times Limited 2023

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Smartphones and social media are destroying children's mental health

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Something is going very wrong for teenagers. Between 1994 and 2010, the share of British teens who do not consider themselves likable fell slightly from 6 per cent to 4 per cent; since 2010 it has more than doubled.

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This webinar will focus on how parents and guardians can help to support their anxious teens

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Supporting Anxious Teens Limerick Education Centre

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Supporting Anxious Teens Limerick Education Centre

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23/3/2023 at 6:30pm to 7:30pm

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"You're always nagging me, and getting on my case."

"I am not nagging you. I am trying to help you."

This one of the most common parent-teenager exchanges I hear of and see in my clinic.

Most parents slip into approaches with their teens that are more akin to nagging than encouraging.

A great amount of research focuses on which parenting styles promote optimal growth and development in adolescents and it is believed that a positive parenting approach is most effective. Positive parenting is not about giving in to your child's demands, instead, it implies that the parent-child relationship should contain affection, support, communication of clear limits and fair consequences. But executing positive parenting all the time is aspirational.

Like many interpersonal issues, the distinction between nagging and encouragement can be subtle and subjective. Nagging involves giving a series of directives delivered without empathy or suggested solutions. It also tends to place blame and responsibility on one party.

Statements like "you don't get enough exercise", "get off that Xbox and go outside", or "your room is a tip" are examples of nagging, which are largely unhelpful and only serve to cause conflict.

Most of us have, at some point or another, used one if not all of these phrases when dealing with our children. Nagging may result in the teen reluctantly stepping away from their Xbox or belligerently tidying their room, but I've yet to hear of it leading to meaningful or long-lasting change.

Why do we continue to nag our children if the success rate is so limited? Most likely because it was the approach used by our parents and is the only template we have.

Getting a teenager to change their behaviour is difficult.This is mainly because they do not share the same priorities or values as their parents.

Given you are their parent, they may assume you 'know nothing' about their lives, so your views are likely to be dismissed before you even begin to speak.

Your perceived lack of credibility, combined with you pitching an idea the child does not want to hear, makes communication difficult.

Against this backdrop, we should not be surprised that parent-to-teenage exchanges often involve disagreements. However,arguments are not an indication you are failing as a parent. They are more likely to be inevitable when you attempt to impose your value system on someone who does not share it or want it. At least not for now.

Are we all destined for years of constant arguments with our children as they crunch through the teenage stage? Not necessarily. Making minor adaptations to your approach could help reduce the frequency and severity of parent-teen fallouts.

Step one is to switch from nagging to encouragement, moving from accusatory statements to supportive suggestions. This can be difficult because power is often the theme of parent-teen conflict. As teenagers establish more autonomy, they may also become more oppositional. It is like the toddler phase of overusing the term, 'no', only the teen's vocabulary is more extensive. Similar to this 'no', teen oppositionality is more about control than a meaningful refusal. Also like toddlers, teenagers often misuse their newfound autonomy.

In the same way as negotiating with a toddler having a tantrum is pointless, rational conflict resolution approaches are often ineffective. You may need to give the teen what they need as opposed to what you believe they deserve to move beyond the impasse.

Too often, parents get dragged into a battle for control with their teenager, which can bring out the parent's inner adolescent and these exchanges can lead to us taking a position we are not proud of in hindsight. Grounding a teenager for a year or resorting to "because I said so" may not feature in our finest parenting hours when we reflect on these interactions, but sometimes we resort to fighting fire with fire when we are frustrated.

What can we do instead? I asked a group of teenagers about the difference between nagging and encouragement and their replies struck a deep chord.

They spoke about subtle but significant differences.

One described a typical nagging statement as: "you need to get outside and go for a walk, you have been sitting in that chair all morning, don't be so lazy".

Another described how an encouraging statement might sound: "I am going down to the shop in 20 minutes. Do you want to come with me,and we can grab a coffee and get some fresh air and a walk?"

The main difference between the two approaches was the encouraging parent asks or suggests something versus the nagging parent who is demanding, blaming and ordering.

These subtleties make sense. Even as an adult, I am far more likely to do something more willingly if asked to do it, than if I am told to do it. The difference between "can you ..." and "will you ..." is vast in terms of our response.

Sometimes we see adopting a more encouraging approach or compromising with our teens as evidence we are 'losing',or 'giving in'. This response is connected to us being seduced into a battle for control.

Locking horns to maintain a feeling of control will, at best, achieve begrudging compliance; at worse, it will lead to more intense and frequent conflict. Rather than seeing compromise or encouragement as a sign of losing control or giving in, we need to see it as an example of savvy parenting that is far more likely to achieve a better outcome.

I am not suggesting this approach will always work, as no parenting strategy has that level of success. However, I can say with some confidence that the success rate of nagging resulting in meaningful engagement is zero.

Have you ever observed a parent berating their teenager about their laziness or lack of application, and suddenly the teenager has an epiphany and says: "You know you are right? I have just realised that my choices are not good ones. Thank you for enlightening me about this reality, I will change my ways immediately. Thank you, Mum/Dad."

No? Me neither.

Safe in the knowledge that nagging is ineffective, you have nothing to lose by trying to change your approach and trying encouragement instead.

So whenever you feel the urge to demand your teenager behaves in a certain way, make a request instead. You may want to point out what they are doing is 'wrong', but it's more effective to suggest you could help them do it differently.

The next time a conversation with your teenager does not go well, remind yourself that these difficult exchanges are not a reflection of your poor parenting skills; instead, they are an inevitable aspect of rearing most teenagers.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist

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Colman Noctor: Encouragement always trumps nagging when it comes to teens

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"You're always nagging me, and getting on my case." "I am not nagging you. I am trying to help you." This one of the most common parent-teenager exchanges I hear of and see in my clinic. Most parents slip into approaches with their teens that are more akin to nagging than encouraging.

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The ability to prioritise and be decisive are essential life skills that will stand us in good stead into adulthood. While the big decisions in our lives, like our choice of career or life partner, often occur in adulthood, decision-making skills are developed far earlier in life.

Child development experts believe a gradual transfer of decision-making power from parents to children is better for children than premature independence or prolonged obedience. According to Washington-based child psychologist Shelly Lundberg, the formal reasoning skills needed to consider alternatives develop rapidly from age nine to 15.

At what stage should we start to offer children the opportunity to practice decision-making?

If we consider our lives to be like a novel, with each chapter representing a year of our lives, then the first few chapters have little opportunity for autonomous decision-making. Our parents make most of our choices, such as where we live, what we wear, and with whom we socialise. As we approach chapters nine and 10, we begin to exert preferences. These might include what we want to do for our birthday party, and what clothes we want to wear on a particular day.

The first major decision we are involved in is often our choice of secondary school. In some cases, the child's opinion may have been taken on board by the parents, but in other cases, they are regarded as tokenistic, and the parents select the school of their choice. (I have met many young people who remain deeply resentful that their school preference was dismissed years after the decision was made.)

Children need to know their views are being heard, and if they are consistently dismissed, this can lead to withdrawal, where they stop voicing their views, or dig their heels in, becoming oppositional.

As the child develops into a teenager, the opportunity to make choices become more plentiful, whether that is choosing what subjects to continue with into second year, what sports they want to play, or what clothes to wear. This is a pivotal time in the parenting journey as we are asked to relinquish some control over our child's preferences. This can be a significant parental challenge, especially if their preferences are not the same as ours. As a parent with a number of decades of life experience under your belt, you might understandably believe you are best-placed to make these decisions. However, this may not be the ideal approach.

How you communicate with your child about their decisions is critical. If a teenager voices a preference for something you don't agree with, your response will shape the development of their autonomy. By dismissing their choices as 'silly' or 'wrong', we invalidate their decision-making process. By not allowing the child to
explain 'why' they want to make a certain choice, we silence their ability to articulate a defence of their decisions.

As parents, we can all be guilty of imposing adult expectations on our children. Most of us have heard the saying 'youth is wasted on the young', but it might also be the case that 'wisdom is wasted on the old'. A teenager is not a mini adult. They will have different world views and priorities than their parents, which is how it is supposed to be. Developing good thinking and analysis abilities is a formative skill they need to learn, and you can only teach that by stepping back.

Many successful people say they learned more from failure than they ever learned from success. This is also true for teenagers. Maximising their learning from mistakes and errors of judgement is an important part of that process.

Rachel Busman of the Child Mind Institute suggests that when children fail, parents should validate their emotions it is disappointing when things don't work out the way we expected. Allowing our children to make mistakes is counter-intuitive to our parental instinct, but rather than shielding children from difficult emotions, Busman suggests that we use those painful feelings to give children feedback to help them make better decisions in the future. Perhaps our drive to protect our children disables their ability to make decisions at times. If we want our children to grow up to be creative, innovative, and assertive, we need to allow them space to make mistakes during childhood and adolescence.

In my recent work with young adults, I have found many of them to be more reliant on their parents to make decisions than in previous years. It is not unusual to hear a 23-year-old state that they need to "run that past" their parents before committing to a decision. Also, parents seem to have a growing influential role in teenagers' choice of third-level education, and this further impacts their independence.

The omnipresence of adults at children's sporting activities may also be having a negative impact on their opportunities to practice decision-making. For example, if children are informally playing a game of football and the ball goes out over the line, with no adult present, the negotiation about which team gets the throw-in is down to the children to decide. This simple example highlights the micro-opportunities for children to master the skill of negotiation, assertiveness, and knowing when to pick their battles.

I am not suggesting that we allow teenagers free reign over all of their decisions, there are times, as parents, we need to give our children what they need instead of what they want. But there may be incidences where compromise is necessary. For example, relenting on allowing your 14-year-old to get a haircut that you think looks dreadful, and he will regret, but holding firm on him continuing to take a science subject into his senior cycle. Or you allow your child to spend time with a peer group that you deem mildly undesirable but put your foot down when it comes to consuming alcohol. The way you pick your battles is an example of good role modelling.

Teenagers need opportunities to make decisions. As parents, we are responsible for offering advice regarding some of their choices, but we need to step back and allow them some autonomy, even if we believe it is wrong. Teens have different priorities than adults. The more we want them to be more grown-up, the more frustrated we may become. While it is tempting to guide our teenagers through most life decisions, we have to ask if we provide them with enough opportunities to work out their decisions for themselves.

The disruption caused by the pandemic, the increased involvement of adults in children's activities, and the fact that children's physical social worlds are shrinking, all inhibit the development of their decision-making skills. Be that as it may, as parents, we need to take stock and ask ourselves if our involvement in their decisions may be giving us short-term relief but creating a longer-term problem.

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Colman Noctor: Stepping back so our teens can learn how to make decisions

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The ability to prioritise and be decisive are essential life skills that will stand us in good stead into adulthood. While the big decisions in our lives, like our choice of career or life partner, often occur in adulthood, decision-making skills are developed far earlier in life.

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