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Some couples need help reducing their conflict and/or creating the best possible solutions. In collaboration, a professional divorce team assists you in managing conflict and analyzing your options. This is a good choice for couples who want to be sure they are making the best decisions they can, or have significant trouble working with each other on their own.
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Your Divorce Options | Seattle Divorce Services

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Some couples need help reducing their conflict and/or creating the best possible solutions. In collaboration, a professional divorce team assists you in managing conflict and analyzing your options. This is a good choice for couples who want to be sure they are making the best decisions they can, or have significant trouble working with each other on their own.

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Divorce and Other Options for Ending Your Marriage with Children in Washington State

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Divorce and Other Options for Ending Your Marriage with Children in Washington State

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Part 1: Ending the Relationship
Part 2: Where to File
Part 3: How long will it take?
Part 4: I want child support or a parenting schedule now. What do I do?
Part 5: Dividing Property & Debts
Part 6: Custody and Visitation
Part 7: Child Support
Part 8: Our Do-it-Yourself Resources

Part 1: Ending the relationship

A. Do I need a reason to get a divorce?

No. Washington is a "no-fault" divorce state. You do not need to prove a spouse was "at fault." You must only prove irreconcilable differences: you no longer get along.

B. What does a divorce do?

It legally ends your marriage. The court can also divide your property and debts, award one of you maintenance (alimony), limit one spouse's contact with the children or other spouse, change a spouse's name, and, if you have children, enter a parenting plan and order child support.

C. What is a legal separation?

The court may give you everything a divorce does, but does not end the marriage. You are still married. Read Legal Separation.

D. Can I get an annulment instead?

No. There is no legal "annulment" action in Washington. Legal Separation has more info.

E. I am in a domestic partnership. Do I file for divorce?

You file for divorce only if you are married. If you are in a registered domestic partnership, you file to end your partnership. Use our File to End Your Domestic Partnership packet.

Part 2: Where to file

A. Can I file for divorce in Washington?

Yes, IF one of these is true:

B. What if my spouse has never lived in Washington?

Washington must have personal jurisdiction over your spouse to be able to make certain types of orders. Washington generally will have personal jurisdiction over your spouse if one of these is true:

C. What if I cannot find my spouse?

You may still be able to file for divorce and serve your spouse by publication. You can still ask the court to end your marriage, divide any property and debts located in Washington, and (if Washington has jurisdiction over your children) enter a parenting plan. Use Service by Certified Mail or Publication.

D. What if my spouse is Native American and lives on a reservation?

You may have to file your divorce in tribal court. Talk to a lawyer with expertise in Indian law.

E. What if the children have not always lived in Washington?

Before filing for divorce here, make sure Washington has jurisdiction over your children. If not, you cannot ask for a parenting plan or custody order here. You may need to file in another state.

Jurisdiction is complicated. If you have questions about whether Washington has jurisdiction over your children, talk with a lawyer as soon as possible. If you have a low income and live outside King County, call CLEAR at 1-888-201-1014.

Part 3: How long will it take?

You must wait at least 90 days after filing and serving the petition before entering final orders. If you and your spouse have an agreement, you can enter final orders right after the 90-day period. Divorces can take longer than 90 days if you cannot agree. If you cannot come to an agreement, your case will go to trial.

*In most counties, you ask for a trial date after your spouse has filed a response.

How long it takes to finalize also depends on your county and how complicated your case is. If are claims of domestic violence, child abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, or other things that could be dangerous to the children, or you have complicated property issues, your case could take much longer.

It is best to try to come to an agreement if possible. Trials can be complicated. You may need a lawyer.

Part 4: I want child support or a parenting schedule now. What do I do?

You may want Temporary Family Law Orders. The court enters these quickly. They can last until trial or the end of your case.

Example 1: You want a parenting plan before trial saying who has custody and how much visitation the other parent will have.

Example 2: You want an order keeping your spouse from cleaning out the bank accounts or selling things before trial.

A. Do I need temporary family law orders?

It depends:

Temporary orders can include:

B. Do I need Immediate Restraining Orders?

If there is an emergency, you may need an Immediate Restraining Order right away. The judge often enters this without giving the other spouse any notice, or very little notice. (The other spouse later can have a hearing. The judge decides there if the order will continue.)

You may need this order if you cannot wait one to three weeks for a hearing to get help from the court. Examples: Your spouse

If you file for Immediate Restraining Orders, you do not need to file for Temporary Orders.

C. Can I change my temporary family law order?

Yes, any time before your divorce is final. To ask the court to change a temporary order, you file another Motion for Temporary Family Law Orders.

D. What if my spouse has hurt the children or me?

If you are afraid that your spouse may hurt or threaten you or the children, the court can issue special orders to help protect you. If you have been a domestic violence victim, or your spouse has threatened you, you can ask for a Domestic Violence Protection Order anytime. You can also ask for a permanent protection order as part of the final divorce orders.

A Domestic Violence Protection Order can:

Give you custody.

Set up visitation for your spouse, OR stop your spouse from seeing the children.

Keep your spouse out of the home and away from your home, work, or school.

Order your spouse not to threaten, assault, harass, or stalk you.

Order your spouse to get domestic violence and/or alcohol or drug treatment.

Order your spouse to turn their gun in to law enforcement.

For more about Protection Orders, contact your court's protection order advocates or local domestic violence program, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.7233. Protection order forms are available from the court clerk or your local domestic violence program. You can also use our do-it-yourself interview program, Washington Forms Online, to fill out the forms at WashingtonLawHelp.org.

Part 5: Dividing Property & Debts

A. What is community property?

You must tell the court about all your property and debts. Washington is a community property state. Generally, all property (house, other real estate, car) a spouse gets during the marriage is community property. It belongs to both of you, even if only one of you is on the title. Each spouse's earnings during the marriage is community property.

Your Divorce Petition proposes how the court should divide the property and debts. The court in the Final Divorce Order decides who gets what.

Separate property belongs to only one spouse. Generally, it is property you got before the marriage through inheritance or as a gift (before or during the marriage), or after separation.

*If you lived together before your marriage, property and earnings you had while living together might also be community property. Talk to a lawyer.

Generally, all debts either spouse incurred during the marriage are community debts. Both spouses are equally responsible for them.

You incur separate debts before the marriage or after separation.

The law about division of property in divorces can be complicated. Talk to a lawyer.

B. Will the court divide everything 50/50?

It depends. The court can make any division that is just and equitable, after considering:

The nature and extent of the community property.

The nature and extent of the separate property.

How long the marriage lasted.

Each spouse's economic circumstances at the time the property division will become effective.

Whether the spouse with custody should get the family home.

C. What is a "just and equitable division" of property and debts?

It will depend. If you have children, the court looks at who gets custody. The court will probably let the parent with custody keep living in the family home, if possible. The court may award that parent more property and fewer debts, especially if the other spouse cannot pay much child support.

The court will also consider what condition property and debt division will leave you each in post-divorce. It generally does not want one spouse very wealthy and the other poor. It will consider your

Example 1: You had a long marriage. You have not worked much outside the home. The court may award you more community property (or long-term maintenance) so you do not end up much poorer than your spouse is.

Example 2: You have a disability. You cannot work. The court may award you more community property.

Example 3: The court can consider which spouse will be able to afford to pay the debts when deciding who must pay them.

In most cases, the court will award each spouse their separate property and order each to pay their separate debts. It rarely awards one spouse's separate property or debts to the other.

D. I have a Prenuptial Contract, Domestic Partnership Agreement, or Community Property Agreement. What will happen?

You may have signed a written agreement before marrying stating how you would divide your property and debts if you divorced. We often call this a prenuptial agreement.

You may have signed an agreement during the marriage stating which of your property is community and separate. We call this a Community Property Agreement. Couples sometimes do these as part of an estate plan.

You might have signed an agreement after separation dividing property and debts. We call this a Property Settlement Agreement or Separation Contract.

If you think you have any written agreement about your property and debts, have a lawyer look at it. This might determine how the court will divide property and debts in your case.

E. I bought our car and most other property with my income. Should the court award me those things?

It depends. Property you bought with money earned during the marriage is community property. Your income during the marriage is community property. Anything you buy with your income belongs to you both. The judge will divide the car and other property according to what they decide is just.

F. My spouse owned our house before our marriage. We both paid the mortgage. Should I get part of the house?

Maybe. The court might award you an interest in the house.

The house is your spouse's separate property. They bought it before your marriage. It remains separate after you marry UNLESS your spouse gives it as a gift to the community. This could happen if, for example, you refinance it in both names.

You may be entitled to an interest in any increase in the house's value from improvements you made to the house (such as a remodel or new deck) during the marriage, plus the community payments on the mortgage. The court would subtract the house's reasonable rental value from your community interest because you benefited from living there during the marriage. It could rule you have no community interest in the house because of the value you got from living there.

*This issue is complicated. Talk to a lawyer.

G. What should we do with our home?

Look at

Example: can just one of you pay the mortgage? If not, awarding one of you the property may lead to foreclosure and damage your credit. It might be safer to sell it.

Do not create a post-divorce situation where title is in one name, the debt in another. Example: The divorce court awards you title to the home. No one takes action to make this official. Your spouse's name stays on the mortgage. Your spouse falls behind on payments. It will then be very hard to get the lender to give you a modification with your spouse's name still on the mortgage. To avoid problems, you must refinance the property in one spouse's name at/near the time of the divorce.

*These are important, often complex, considerations. Talk to an experienced lawyer.

H. think we should sell our house. My spouse disagrees. Can the court order us to sell it?

Yes, even if one spouse objects. The court will most likely do this if one of these is true:

I. Do I have any right to my spouse's pension?

It depends:

Retirement and pension benefits, including 401(k) plans, earned during the marriage are community property. Both spouses have a legal interest in them.

Pensions earned both before and during the marriage: the portion earned during the marriage (and the increase in value of that portion) is community property.

Disability benefits substituting for pension benefits might be community property.

If you believe your spouse has a pension (including a military pension), 401(k), IRA, or other retirement or disability plan, talk with a lawyer about what your rights. You may be able to get a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) ordering your spouse's pension plan to pay you benefits directly after your spouse retires. The Pension Rights Center publishes Your Pension Rights at Divorce: What Women Need to Know. Read it or call them at (202) 296-3776.

J. My spouse had an affair. I filed for divorce. Should the court give me more of the property?

No. Washington has "no-fault" divorce. The court cannot consider who "caused" the divorce when dividing property. The court may consider if your spouse wasted marital assets without your consent OR tried to hide assets from the court.

K. I am not working. Can I get alimony?

Maybe. Maintenance (alimony) is a payment one spouse makes to the other for financial support. The court does not always award maintenance. It must look at things such as:

How long you have been married.

Both your financial situations, given the division of property and debts and your spouse's ability to pay maintenance.

Time it will take for you to get education or training.

Standard of living during the marriage.

Your age and health.

If you have been unemployed a long time ( example: you stayed home to care for the children), you are more likely to get maintenance than if you have been laid off temporarily. On the other hand, you can get maintenance even if you are working, if the court decides you should enjoy the same standard of living you had during the marriage. You are more likely to get maintenance if both of these are true:

Maintenance payments generally end when you remarry or die. The Final Divorce Order may say otherwise.

*Maintenance is complicated. Try to talk to a lawyer.

L. The divorce court ordered my spouse to pay our community debts. She did not. What can I do?

You must pay the debt and sue your spouse to pay you back. Even if the court orders your spouse to pay a debt, the creditor (person owed) may still come after you to collect. You cannot stop the creditor by telling the creditor the debt is your ex's responsibility.

If you think this might happen, check the "hold harmless" box in the Final Divorce Order form. It is the second box in section 12. Then, if you must sue your ex- to force them to pay you back for debts you paid, they must also pay your attorney's fees and costs.

M. Can my ex get out of paying community debts through bankruptcy?

Maybe. If your spouse files for bankruptcy, you should get notice of it. Talk immediately with a lawyer who knows bankruptcy law. You may need to take part in the bankruptcy case to protect yourself.

Part 6: Custody and visitation

Washington courts generally do not say custody and visitation anymore. They talk about the parenting plan, residential schedule and decision-making authority for the children.

As part of your divorce, the court will decide:

The court puts this in a court order we call a Parenting Plan.

*How the court decides your parenting plan is complicated. Talk with a lawyer about your case if possible.

A. Do we need a parenting plan?

Yes, if you have any children together under age eighteen. If your spouse served you with a parenting plan, and you disagree with what it proposes, you must file your own proposed parenting plan. The court may enter a temporary parenting plan to cover the period while the divorce is pending. It enters a permanent parenting plan at the end of your divorce.

B. What happens if I do not follow the parenting plan?

A parenting plan signed by a judge or court commissioner is a court order. You both must follow it. If you do not, the court could hold you in contempt. You might face criminal charges.

You must have a good excuse not to follow a parenting plan. Example: following it would cause serious harm to you or the child. Even then, you cannot just stop following it. You must go back to court to ask to change it. Do this as soon as you can. Then the court can approve a new, more appropriate schedule. Read Change a Parenting Plan/Child Custody Order.

If you believe your child may be in danger, you can contact Child Protective Services (CPS).

*If you do not want to follow part of a court-ordered parenting plan, get the other parent's permission in writing OR contact a lawyer.

C. How will the court decide custody?

It must consider:

1. Reasons to restrict one parent's time with the children

The court must first decide if there is any reason under RCW 26.09.191 to limit a parent's time/contact with the children. In most cases, the court must limit a parent's time if that parent, or someone living with him/her, has engaged in any of these:

The court may choose to limit a parent's time with the child if it finds any of these:

2. Limiting a parent's time if there is a reason to under RCW 26.09.191

It depends. In most cases, the court will not let this parent have custody. In very serious cases, it must order no contact between parent/child.

*The court must follow very detailed rules if a parent or someone living with them has a conviction for a sex crime against children or been found to have molested/harmed children in a civil case. Courts rarely allow that parent unsupervised contact with their child. If you or your spouse has a conviction for such a crime, talk to a lawyer.

The court may order any restriction reasonably calculated to protect the child OR a parent from abuse/harm that could come from contact with the other parent. Restrictions can include requiring a parent to:

3. None of RCW 26.09.191 applies. How will the court decide custody?

The court must encourage each parent's relationship with the child, consistent with the family's social/economic circumstances. The court must consider:

The court should not give much weight to:

Which parent earns more, or is remarrying.

When deciding a permanent parenting plan, what the temporary parenting plan says.

RCW 26.09.187.

4. Will the court order equal time with the children?

Only if it finds it is in the child's best interests. How close the ex-spouses live to each other may matter.

D. How will the court decide who should make important decisions about the children?

Either parent can make emergency OR day-to-day decisions ( examples: what the child will eat; who will babysit the child) when the child is in that parent's care. The court may let or both parents make non-emergency decisions, such as where the child will go to school, what health care providers the child will see, when the child gets medical care, and what religious institution the child attends.

The court must give only one parent the authority to make these decisions if there is a limiting factor under RCW 26.09.191 against the other parent OR the parents do not want to decide together. If one parent disagrees with joint decision-making, the court may order one parent sole decision-making if any of these is true:

RCW 26.09.191 applies to the other parent.

The other parent has never taken part in decision-making about the children.

The parents cannot and do not want to cooperate.

The parents do not live close enough to each other.

In most cases, the court should treat decisions about the children's religious upbringing differently from school and medical care decisions. The court should allow each parent to provide the child the religious instruction of the parent's choice while in that parent's care, unless the court decides that exposure to those religious views will harm the children.

E. What is alternative dispute resolution?

The parenting plan has a section saying how you will solve future disagreements about it. Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) refers to ways of solving disagreements besides going to court. You can choose counseling, mediation, or arbitration. The court should not order ADR if any of these is true:

RCW 26.09.191 applies to one parent.

The parents cannot take part in ADR equally.

One parent cannot afford ADR.

In any of those cases, the parenting plan should just require you to go back to court over any disagreements about the parenting plan.

If you choose counseling, you typically meet with a mental health professional who uses counseling techniques to help you solve your disagreement. If you choose mediation, you meet with a neutral third party who may be a lawyer, retired judge, or mental health professional. That mediator tries to encourage you to come to agreement. If you choose an arbitrator, you meet with a neutral third party (often a lawyer or retired judge) who tries to help you reach agreement, but who makes a decision you both must follow if you cannot agree. You can file a motion asking for a review of the arbitrator's decision if you do not agree with it.

In most cases, you must pay for ADR. It can cost a lot. However, ADR can also help you avoid the stress/expense/unpredictability of going to court. Some people find ADR helpful.

F. Can I move to a different state with the children?

Your parenting plan says what happens if you want to move. You must give the other parent notice before moving. They can object to the move and ask the court to change your parenting plan. RCW 26.09.405 - RCW 26.09.560 Questions and Answers about Washington's Relocation Law has more info.

G. My spouse is pregnant. Can we get a divorce?

Yes. You must tell the court your spouse is pregnant. The court cannot use the pregnancy to put off entering final divorce orders.

*The law presumes that any child born during your marriage or within 300 days after the entry of your Final Divorce Order is your spouse's child even if it is not actually their biological child.

You should resolve the unborn child's parentage before the entry of Final Divorce Orders. You can:

File a motion for genetic testing. Parentage Cases: File a Motion for Genetic Testing has forms and instructions.

Contact the Division of Child Support, for referral to the family support section of the Prosecuting Attorney's office. They may file a parentage action in court. There are strict time limits in which a presumed or acknowledged father may deny or challenge parentage. Talk with a lawyer.

Part 7: Child support

A. What is child support?

It is what one parent pays the other to help support the children. You usually must pay child support monthly. The court bases the amount on the Washington State Support Schedule. The court also considers

Parents have a legal duty to help support their children. In most divorce cases, the non-custodial parent pays the other parent child support. Even if the parents split custody evenly, one may have to pay support if there is a big difference in their incomes.

*A stepparent may have a legal duty to help support stepchildren until a divorce from the child's parent is final or the court ends this obligation.

B. How does the court decide the child support amount?

The court uses the Washington State Child Support Schedule. It works like an income tax table. The court figures out each parent's income, adds it together, and finds the amount of support on the Schedule that applies to the number and ages of children.

The court's main concern is making sure your children have enough to meet their needs. Support is for clothes and food, to give the children a place to live (rent, mortgage, utilities), and assure they have decent daycare and medical care.

You both may have to share costs for uninsured health care, daycare, school tuition, and long-distance visits. The court determines how much each parent pays in proportion to their incomes and by considering the number of children living with them. The court may award the federal income tax exemptions each spouse is entitled to claim.

Part 8: Our Do-it-Yourself Resources

A. What packets do I need?

Use our Do-it-Yourself family law forms, Washington Forms Online. This program on Washington LawHelp asks you questions and uses your answers to fill out forms. (Similar to popular tax preparation software.) The interviews work best on a desktop computer, laptop, or large tablet. You can use a mobile phone, but it is harder on a phone.

We also have printable packets with blank forms for you to print and fill out on your own, with how-to instructions for completing and filing.

Check the list below to see what is available. This list should help you decide which you need. You may need more than one. Get only what you need when you need them.

B. What if I do not want to or cannot use one of the packets?

Hire a lawyer to represent you. If you can afford to, you should talk to one about your case and consider hiring them to file for you. If you cannot afford a lawyer, contact your local legal services office. Some legal services offices, county bar associations, and pro bono programs handle divorces. They usually can directly represent only a very few people. If you have a low income and live outside King County, call CLEAR for a referral at 1-888-201-1014. If you have a low income and live in King County, call the King County Bar Association at (206) 623-2551. Ask for a referral for low-income representation in family law.

Take a "Self-Help" class. Some counties have classes on how to file your own divorce. It may cost more than this packet, but may give more help with forms and local procedures. If you can go to a class, you should. To find out if your county has a self-help class, contact your local family law facilitator, if there is one.

Where available, use the local family law facilitator's Do-It-Yourself packets. Some counties have family law facilitators who can help you file your own divorce. They are not lawyers. They cannot give legal advice. They do often have do-it-yourself packets designed for that county.

C. Where do I get more info about the law?

We have other publications and packets on WashingtonLawHelp.org, and links for legal research. If you need more info, or do not have a printer or internet access, visit your local law library (usually in your county's Superior Court building). The library staff may be able to help you find the resources you need.

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Part 1: Ending the Relationship Part 2: Where to File Part 3: How long will it take? Part 4: I want child support or a parenting schedule now. What do I do? Part 5: Dividing Property & Debts Part 6: Custody and Visitation Part 7: Child Support Part 8: Our Do-it-Yourself Resources A.

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Establishing Paternity in Washington: How it’s Established and Why It Will Benefit Your Child

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Establishing Paternity in Washington: How it’s Established and Why It Will Benefit Your Child

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In today's world, children are increasingly being born out of wedlock and state laws are being reviewed and refined in order to account for this evolving landscape. When a child is born out of wedlock, it's important to establish paternity, which refers to the legal relationship between a father and child. While paternity is certainly biological, it won't be considered valid legally unless it is established by both parents in a legally binding document.

In Washington state, a chid's paternity (now referred to as parentage) is not automatically established when a child is born outside of marriage or a domestic partnership. Only when parentage has been formally acknowledged by both parents, or the father is determined by the court to be a legal parent, will paternity be considered valid. This usually also results in a new birth certificate being issued showing the father's name. There are various avenues parents can take to establish parentage, from voluntarily deciding to include the father's name on the birth certificate, to taking legal action to determine the father through DNA testing.

Even though you may have a rocky relationship with the person with whom you share a child, establishing paternity is certainly the soundest approach for offering your child a healthy and productive environment in which they can flourish. Establishing paternity ensures your child can have a healthy relationship with both their parents, which would facilitate a deeper understanding of their family histories and allow them to access important medical and societal benefits. Establishing paternity also allows parents to share the responsibilities and costs of parenthood, and ensure they have lifelong visitation rights.

When a mother and father are in agreement that they are the biological parents of their child, paternity may be established voluntarily. Doing so would require that both parents sign what is known as a "Voluntary Acknowledgement of Paternity," a document that can be obtained either at the hospital upon the child's birth, or from a local Washington county health department's Division of Child Support Office. The form must be signed before a notary and later submitted to the Washing State Department of Health, Center for Health Statistics, and if this process is completed within five days from the date of the child's birth, there is no fee associated with its filing. Once this process has been completed, the father's name will be added to the child's birth certificate.

If the father and mother do not agree to the child's paternity, the mother may petition the court for an order establishing parentage in the Superior Court in the county in which the child resides (in some cases, the Division of Child Support can resolve this process for you.) The father will be required to appear in court, and failure to do so would result in a declaration of his paternity by the court. If the father does, however, appear, then the court will ask the parents to either declare and accept the father's paternity, or will order genetic or DNA testing to determine the child's paternity. This would require that all of the parties - mother, father, and child - have their cheeks swabbed and sent to a laboratory.

Once the results are obtained and show a positive result, the court will issue an order establishing paternity and the father's name will be added to the child's birth certificate.

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Establishing Paternity in Washington: How it's Established and Why It Will Benefit Your Child

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In today's world, children are increasingly being born out of wedlock and state laws are being reviewed and refined in order to account for this evolving landscape. When a child is born out of wedlock, it's important to establish paternity, which refers to the legal relationship between a father and child.

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A Parenting Guide to Divorce: Tips to Reduce the Strain on You and Your Child

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A Parenting Guide to Divorce: Tips to Reduce the Strain on You and Your Child

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Introduction to Our Family Divorce Guide

With about half of all marriages ending in divorce, many parents will go their separate ways before their children reach age 18. Going through a divorce with children presents unique challenges, and it can take an emotional toll on everyone involved.

However, this toll is often different for parents and children. While it is common for parents to feel stressed and overwhelmed, children often experience feelings of confusion, sadness, uncertainty and even fear about what the future may hold. Even older children are not likely to fully understand what it means for their parents to get divorced; and, regardless of what their parents say, many children will find it difficult not to blame themselves - at least in some respect - for their parents' decision to bring their marriage to an end.

As a parent, talking to your child about your impending divorce can be difficult, but it is important. Letting your children know how your divorce will and won't change their lives, what they can expect during the process, and that your decision has nothing to do with anything they may have said or done can go a very long way toward easing the emotional burden. It is also important to listen, and to be aware of the signs that your child may be reacting adversely, as doing so will allow you to help them manage their feelings along the way.

Download and print these resources created for this guide:

Approaching Divorce with Children: A Breakdown Based on Ages

Children of different ages will respond to their parents' divorces differently. This is because children respond to information and stressors differently at different stages of development. Generally speaking, the older a child is, the better able he or she will be to comprehend the practicalities of a divorce (i.e. the parents living in different households and spending time separately with each parent); however, children of all ages will still generally struggle to fully internalize the impacts of their parents' divorce and to express their concerns and feelings effectively.

With this in mind, parents must approach talking with their children with an awareness of the specific considerations that are relevant to their children's current stage of cognitive development. Here is a breakdown of some of the most-important factors and some tips for communicating with children based on their age. Of course, all children will have their own unique response; and, rather than rigidly following any set of general guidelines, parents should tailor their approach based on what they believe will be most effective and most beneficial for their own children:

How Children Respond to the Effects of Divorce, and What Parents Can Do to Help Their Children

1. Infants (Newborn to Approximately Two Years Old)

Even though newborns may be unable to communicate, they can still sense conflict, and this can affect their mood while also potentially impacting their development. As explained in an article on Parents.com, "[B]abies are able to feel tension . . . between their parents . . . but can't understand the reasoning behind the conflict. . . . [B]abies may become irritable and clingy, especially around new people, and have frequent emotional outbursts. They may also tend to regress or show signs of developmental delay."

In order to prevent their divorce from negatively impacting their infant children, the article recommends that parents focus on familiarity and stability. This includes, "maintain[ing] normal daily routines, particularly regarding sleep and meals," and spending as much time with infants as possible. Additionally, even though infants may not be able to understand what their parents are saying, parents should still avoid getting into heated discussions or having arguments in front of their children.

2. Toddlers (Approximately Ages Two to Three)

As children progress into toddlerhood, tension and disruptions are more likely to cause confusion. Children in this age group simply won't understand what is happening-all they will know is that their parents seem upset, and it will be natural for them to assume that they are directly involved. When faced with uncertainty, toddlers will often show signs of regression, and they may develop a tendency to lash out while also seeking more contact and attention.

At this age, parents can - and generally should - talk to their children about their divorce, but they should be sure to do so in terms their children can understand. Speaking over their heads will only add to their confusion and feelings of isolation. Spending as much time together as possible is important at this age as well (and this will be a theme throughout this discussion), as is maintaining a routine that is centered around the children's needs.

3. Preschoolers and Kindergartners (Approximately Ages Four to Six)

"Preschoolers need simple, concrete explanations," explains an article in Today's Parent. With this in mind, when discussing their divorce with their children in this age group, parent should, "[s]tick to the basics: which parent will be moving out, where the child will live, who will look after [the child] and how often [the child will] see the other parent." Parents should also be prepared for lots of questions, and they should be prepared to provide real answers that directly address their children's concerns.

Additionally, as noted by Parents.com, "Like toddlers, preschoolers believe they are ultimately responsible for their parents' separation." No matter how much their parents explain, preschoolers and kindergartners are going to struggle to understand how and why their lives are going to change in a way that they never previously thought possible. Anger, uncertainty as to how to react, anxiety, and sadness are all common feelings, and helping children express these feelings can be an important step toward helping them cope generally with their parents' divorce.

4. Young School Age (Approximately Ages Seven to Eleven)

Children between the ages of approximately seven and eleven will generally have a better understanding of their own feelings, and this means that they are likely to be hit harder by their parents' divorce. Many children will feel as though they are being abandoned, or that they will be abandoned once their parents go their separate ways. For this reason, it is also common for children in this age group to feel a desire to try to prevent the divorce and preserve their family unit.

It is also in this age range, usually on the higher end, that some children will begin to take sides. They may have a stronger emotional connection to one parent, and this may lead them to blame the other. As a result, not only is it important that parents communicate with their children about their divorce and the divorce process, but it is also important for both parents to avoid blaming one another or helping to foster feelings of ill-will. No matter how the parents feel about one another, they should not under any circumstances try to get their children "on their side," as this has been shown to have not only severe detrimental impacts on children's emotional stability, but to have a negative impact on the children's ability to adjust to post-divorce life as well.

5. Pre-Teen and Teen (Ages 12 and Older)

The pre-teen and teen years can be among the most-confusing of any child's life-and this is true before they learn that their parents have decided to get divorced. Children ages 12 and older are even more likely than their younger siblings to cast blame, whether on themselves or on one or both of their parents. At this age, a divorce may also lead children to question their parents' authority, and that of their non-custodial parent post-divorce in particular, and they are also much more likely to pick a side during the divorce process. However, this will not invariably be the case, and some pre-teens and teens will react to their parents' divorce by becoming withdrawn or acting out, and it also is not uncommon to see signs of anxiety and depression.

According to Todays' Parent, for children in this age group, "[k]eeping communication open decreases the chance that emotional problems [will] slip under the radar. Kids in this age group can be harder to reach, . . . [b]ut most teens and preteens still need and crave connection with [their] parents." Even if a child acts disinterested or rebukes his or her parents' efforts to discuss their divorce, it is still very important for parents to make the effort to explain their family's situation and share as much pertinent information as they can so that their children know they are not being ignored.

Warning Signs that Tension at Home Due to an Impending Divorce May Be Getting to Your Children

Given the wide range of emotions that children in different age groups can experience upon learning of their parents' decision to get divorced, it is important for parents to be aware of the warning signs that their children may be harboring feelings internally-whether intentionally or not. If parents have concerns, they should speak with their children to provide information and guidance, and they should consult with appropriate professionals as and when necessary.

Some of the more common signs that children may be struggling emotionally as a result of their parents' impending divorce include:

Infants (Newborn to Approximately Two Years Old) - Among infants, signs that they may be internalizing tension in the home include increased irritability, emotional outbursts, developmental regression or delays, and being more clingy than usual.

Toddlers (Approximately Ages Two to Three) - For toddlers who can begin to understand that one of their parents is leaving but who still lack the ability to comprehend other aspects of their parents' divorce, warning signs may include crying or seeking attention more frequently than usual, developmental regression or delays, and waking up more frequently in the night.

Preschoolers and Kindergartners (Approximately Ages Four to Six) - Children in this age group will often respond to news of their parents' divorce by regressing in their emotional independence, by having outbursts, and by exhibiting signs of worry or frustration due to their inability to change the situation at hand.

Young School Age (Approximately Ages Seven to Eleven) - Again, for children in this age group, one of the biggest concerns is often their fear of abandonment. Parents should monitor for signs of fear and anxiety, as well as signs of depression and withdrawal. Some children in this age group will experience physical symptoms of stress as well.

Pre-Teen and Teen (Ages 12 and Older) - For pre-teens and teens, the warning signs that they may be responding negatively to their parents' divorce can include any of the above. Pre-teens and teens may also attempt to "test" their parents to either confirm or disaffirm their concerns about being abandoned post-divorce.

Divorce Checklist for Parents

As a parent preparing to go through a divorce, reducing uncertainty for yourself is key to helping you reduce uncertainty for your child. The more you (and your spouse) can do to plan ahead - and the more decisions you can make amicably before you inform your children of your decision to get divorced - the smoother the process is likely to go.

When it comes to helping their children cope with their divorce, one of the keys for parents is to minimize conflict, both in and outside of the home. Children who see their parents fighting or who can sense tension between their parents are far more likely to have concerns about what they can expect once the process is over. In order to reduce conflict, parents should try to have open and honest discussions (outside of their children's presence), and they should structure these discussions in order to ensure that they are as productive as possible.

The following checklist can be used by all parents who are considering a divorce. Whether you and your spouse each plan to follow a traditional court based approach, use a collaborative divorce process, or you are planning to work with a mediator, these are questions you and your spouse will need to address, and it typically will be most beneficial to do so sooner rather than later:

1. Which Type of Custody Arrangement Will You Use?

Today, parents have a number of different options when it comes to child custody arrangements. While more traditional custody and visitation schedules are still an option (i.e. with one parent having primary custody and the other having visitation rights every other weekend), parents are choosing alternatives such as equal parenting time and even co-parenting with increasing frequency.

2. How Will You Structure Your Parenting Time Schedule?

Regardless of the type of custody arrangement you and your spouse choose, you will need to come up with a parenting time schedule that works for both of you. This schedule should be detailed, but not so much so that it eliminates necessary flexibility. The more you and your spouse can do to provide stability and structure after your divorce, the easier the transition will be for your children.

3. How Will You Handle Birthdays, Holidays and Vacations?

In addition to your day-to-day parenting time schedule, it is important to think about how you and your spouse will handle birthdays, holidays and vacations as well. Unless you are co-parenting, you will most likely be celebrating and traveling with your children separately, and you will need to make special provisions to account for this in your parenting plan. For example, on Thanksgiving, will your children spend half of the day with each of you, will your child spend Thursday with you and Friday with your former spouse, or will you alternate years?

4. How Will You Handle Transportation Between Homes and Activities?

One aspect of post-divorce parenting that many parents fail to consider is transportation. Most parents think about scheduling, but the matter of getting from one scheduled event or visit to the next often gets overlooked. In order to make sure that each parent knows their respective transportation responsibilities (and so that children know they will always get picked up or dropped off on time), parents should address this in their post-divorce parenting plan as well.

5. How Will You Make Decisions about Things Like Extracurricular Activities and Healthcare?

No matter how much forethought you give to planning for post-divorce life, you cannot make decisions about everything in advance. If your child wants to sign up for an extracurricular activity in the future, who will decide if this is okay? If your child has a medical emergency, how will you and your former spouse make decisions, and how will you cover the costs involved? These are just two examples of many similar types of issues that parents will want to proactively address during the divorce process.

6. What Rules Will You Both Enforce After Your Divorce?

Another important aspect of stability during childhood is rule enforcement. Generally speaking, both parents should enforce the same rules equally so that their children do not develop favoritism. During the divorce process, parents should decide what rules they will enforce, and how, and they should also address the inevitable need to adopt new rules in the future.

7. What Will You Do to Make Sure Both Parents Contribute to Your Child's College Savings?

Generally speaking, college savings is not covered under the umbrella of child support. Child support is intended to meet children's basic needs until they reach adulthood, or into early adulthood in certain limited circumstances. As a result, parents must address college savings as a discrete issue during their divorce, and they must agree on a plan that they can both enforce if necessary.

8. Where Will Your Children's Belongings "Live"?

From clothes to bikes and skateboards, when going through a divorce parents will need to decide where their children's belongings are going to "live." This is especially important in shared parenting (50-50 parenting time split) and co-parenting arrangements, in which a child's life can feel too transitory if he or she is packing and unpacking on a weekly or daily basis. While it may make sense for parents to double up on certain items, in most cases children's belongings will be divided between the parents' households in some fashion.

9. Will Both Parents Attend Games, Recitals, Graduations and Other Events?

After a divorce, both parents will often want to attend events like games, recitals and graduations, but children may feel awkward, uncomfortable or embarrassed if their parents come, sit and leave separately. Parents should have a plan for this as well, and this is one area in particular where it may make sense to seek children's input, especially in the pre-teen and teen years.

10. How Will You Resolve Any Disagreements that Arise After Your Divorce?

If you and your former spouse reach a disagreement during your post-divorce life, how will you resolve it? Avoiding conflict post-divorce is important as well, particularly when the decisions you and your former spouse need to make impact your children.

Your Child's Role in the Divorce Proceedings

Getting divorced is a process, and the length and complexity of the process depend on a variety of different factors that are unique to each family. These factors include the number of children involved, the age of each child, and the parents' ability to make amicable decisions in their children's best interests.

Generally speaking, while parents should carefully consider their children's needs and wants, they should not involve their children in the divorce process directly. However, there are a few exceptions-including circumstances in which the child is mature enough to make a reasoned request regarding his or her preferences regarding child custody.

Establishing Parenting Time in a Divorce - The "Best Interests" Factors for Child Custody

In Washington and other states, the law requires that all child custody-related decisions be made based on the best interests of the children involved. Washington, like other states, has established a statutory list of "best interests" factors, and these factors should guide parents' decision-making with regard to child custody during the divorce process. These factors include:

The strength and stability of the child's relationship with each parent;

The parents' agreement regarding parenting time;

Each parent's history of parental involvement and capacity for parenting post-divorce, "including whether a parent has taken greater responsibility for performing parenting functions relating to the daily needs of the child;"

The child's current stage of cognitive development and emotional needs;

The child's relationships with siblings and with other significant adults

The child's involvement with school and other activities;

The child's wishes if he or she is, "sufficiently mature to express reasoned and independent preferences as to his or her residential schedule;" and

The parents' respective employment schedules.

Importantly, Washington law provides that the first factor in this list-the strength and stability of the child's relationship with each parent-must "be given the greatest weight." When parents' intention is for their children to split time between two different households, the geographic proximity of the parents' homes is a factor that must be considered as well.

When (and How) Should Parents Consider Their Children's Wishes Regarding Post-Divorce Custody?

Parents' decisions regarding custody obviously have a direct and substantial impact on their children; and, whether they say so or not, most children will have preferences regarding where they will live after their parents' divorce (even if these preferences are not particularly sound or well-formed). Generally speaking, however, parents should avoid asking their children for input, as this is only likely to lead to additional uncertainty and confusion for the child, and any decisions that do not reflect the child's wishes may lead to resentment.

But, in Washington and many other states, the "best interests" factors account for consideration of the child's wishes in some cases. As in Washington, this is usually tied to the child's ability to make a reasoned decision-and this is at least indirectly tied to the child's age.

Even in circumstances in which parents decide to ask their children about their preferences, parents should generally seek professional guidance prior to doing so. Which parent (or parents) present the question, how the question is presented, and what options are offered are all decisions that require careful forethought and consideration. In all circumstances, parents should make clear that the child's preference is not the sole determining factor, and parents should anticipate their children's possible answers and decide how they will respond in advance.

Addressing Child Support and Other Financial Considerations During the Divorce Process

When it comes to reducing strain post-divorce, the importance of financial planning cannot be overlooked. This includes not only addressing child support, but addressing college expenses (as discussed above) and other costs as well.

Most, if not all states, have statutory guidelines for establishing child support payments during a divorce. In Washington, divorcing parents use a worksheet provided by the courts, and they can follow a detailed set of instructions to determine which parent is obligated to pay and how much he or she will owe. This worksheet establishes the "basic" child support amount; and, if parents have other expenses to divide (i.e. child care or health insurance), then the parents will divide these expenses proportionally based upon their "basic" child support calculation.

After the Divorce: Advice for Co-Parenting & Keeping the Peace

While the divorce process takes time, eventually, the process will be over. When it is, this is when reality sets in for most children, and this is when parents learn how effectively they have addressed and managed all of the various aspects of dividing their household and bringing their marriage to an end.

Importantly, while it is possible to modify certain aspects of a divorce in some cases, parents should generally consider the terms of their divorce final-especially in the short term. But, with a comprehensive and mutually-agreeable parenting plan in place, divorced parents (and their children) will usually be able to settle into their new lives with a solid foundation and minimal risk of conflict.

Adjusting to post-divorce life can be very different for parents who establish joint custody arrangements and for those who choose to co-parent. Here are some tips for parenting after a divorce in each scenario:

Tips for Parents Who Will Share Joint Custody After Their Divorce

If you will be splitting parenting time with your former spouse after your divorce, it will be important to:

1. Make Sure You Know the Terms of Your Divorce

You worked hard to arrive at a workable parenting plan, so make sure you use it. Stick to your plan, and try to avoid miscues or oversights that could lead to issues with your former spouse.

2. Make a Commitment to Communicate Amicably

You will still need to communicate with your former spouse about various issues. To minimize the likelihood of confrontations, make a commitment to always communicate amicably, and never discuss potentially-heated issues while your children are around.

3. If an Issue Comes Up, Address it Proactively

If you run into an issue, do not let it linger. Lingering issues usually get worse over time, and waiting can make it harder to find a mutually-agreeable solution.

4. Keep Your Children's Interests First

Your children will continue to feel the effects of your divorce long after it is over. As you move on, keep your children's interests first, and continue to monitor for signs of adverse emotional effects.

5. If You Need to Make a Change, Seek Help First

If circumstances change and your parenting plan no longer works, hire an attorney to help you request a modification before you do anything inconsistent with your plan.

Tips for Parents Who Will Be Co-Parenting After Their Divorce

If you and your former spouse will be co-parenting after your divorce, these tips will help you, your former spouse, and your children adjust to your new post-divorce life:

1. Make Sure Your Children Understand Their Situation

Co-parenting can be confusing for children who have just seen their parents go through a divorce. Make sure they understand their situation, and explain how things will be different (and similar) going forward.

2. Emphasize Open and Honest Communication

Making co-parenting work is all about communicating effectively. You and your co-parent will need to talk on a regular basis, and it will be important to make sure you are always cordial and cooperative in front of your children.

3. Don't Ignore Your Own Personal Needs

Co-parenting can be stressful, especially in the immediate aftermath of your divorce. While your children need to come first, you need to take care of your own personal needs as well.

4. Err On the Side of Mutual Benefit

When in doubt, err on the side of doing what is best for you, your former spouse, and your children. For co-parenting to work, both parents need to be committed to the arrangement's success.

5. If Something Isn't Working, Talk About It

Finally, if something isn't working for you, or if things aren't going quite how you expected, talk about it. Just like joint custody arrangements, letting issues linger can lead to bigger problems, while being proactive can reduce stress and alleviate uncertainty for everyone involved.

Additional Resources for Divorced Parents

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A Parenting Guide to Divorce: Tips to Reduce the Strain on You and Your Child

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With about half of all marriages ending in divorce, many parents will go their separate ways before their children reach age 18. Going through a divorce with children presents unique challenges, and it can take an emotional toll on everyone involved. However, this toll is often different for parents and children.

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2317 NW Market St
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6 Articles You Must Read If Going Through a Divorce

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6 Articles You Must Read If Going Through a Divorce

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Divorce is a difficult process, and it can seem overwhelming at times. The mountains of paperwork, the numerous laws and situations that can arise, hiring an attorney, the challenge of maintaining a civil relationship with your ex-partner--it's a lot to take on while simultaneously dealing with the heartbreak of a marriage ending.

When couples first embark on the divorce process, many are unsure of where to start. This guide was created to help those in the situation cut through some of the confusion and make the entire process feel a little more manageable. Whether you are getting ready to file or finalize, the information in the articles below can help make your transition to single life go as smoothly as possible.

6 Articles You Must Read If Going Through a Divorce

1. If You Don't Feel Prepared

Nobody is truly prepared for a divorce, but if you are feeling completely lost, this article is for you: How To Prepare For Divorce. It provides expert advice on how to emotionally and financially prepare for divorce, and the questions to ask yourself going in. Organization and planning are key to being able to make the separation process go as peacefully as possible.

2. If You Have Children

Separating from a spouse when you have children with them adds another layer of difficulty to your divorce case. Not only do you have to come to agreements regarding custody, child support, and visitation, you also have to minimize the strain it causes your children to see their parents splitting up. A Parenting Guide to Divorce breaks down how to approach the divorce topic with your children depending on their age, how to establish equitable parenting time, and how to effectively co-parent with a minimum of hostility.

3. If You Own a Business

Splitting up community property is another one of the challenging parts of the divorce process. This becomes even more complicated if one of the parties is a business owner. How much of the business belongs to them, and how much to their spouse? These Steps to Protect Your Business During a Divorce provides an overview of what to consider when dividing assets, and how to keep control of your business.

4. If You Need to Sell Your House

If there is joint property involved, you and your spouse will need to come to an agreement as to whether one party can keep the property, or if it will be sold so that the proceeds can be divided. The latter is a common choice that provides an equitable division and a clean break. If you decide to go that route, you should read How to Sell A House During a Divorce. This step-by-step guide takes you through every stage, from choosing an agent, to preparing the property, to closing the sale.

5. If You're Worried About the Expense of Divorce

Divorce can be an expensive process, and many worry about legal fees, and if they can even afford to hire an attorney. If you're on the fence about seeking legal representation, read over the information in How Much Are Divorce Attorney Fees and Is It Worth the Investment? It provides a variety of options, information on how an attorney can save you money, and how to minimize your divorce expenses.

6. If You Need a Laugh

Divorce can be a long and stressful ordeal, and sometimes you just need to take a moment to laugh and relax. These 38 Divorce Memes That Prove You Made the Right Decision can add a little levity to the situation, and perhaps make you feel vindicated in your choice to end your marriage.

The More You Know

Educating yourself about how the divorce process works can help protect your interests and minimize conflict. While it is wise to consult experts, conducting your own research can help empower you to feel confident about the process, instead of confused and overwhelmed.

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6 Articles You Must Read If Going Through a Divorce

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Divorce is a difficult process, and it can seem overwhelming at times. The mountains of paperwork, the numerous laws and situations that can arise, hiring an attorney, the challenge of maintaining a civil relationship with your ex-partner--it's a lot to take on while simultaneously dealing with the heartbreak of a marriage ending.