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How often do we assume rejection, when it may simply be that our request didn’t get through at first try?

Find another way to get in. A side door, or a lower entry point.. just make sure you’ve exhausted your options. After all, it is something that you really want.

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July 23, 2020

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.

Something about how the place, time and manner in which we find seashells, that renders them precious to us.. just like how we find the people in our lives.

Out of all the seashells on the beach, you find one.. washed up, crushed in transit, and passed on too many times, long before you chanced upon it.

Being there at the right time, seeing the shell in its best light, with the sunlight hitting it at the right time.. The best part of finding a seashell is the moment its beauty catches your eye.

For a brief moment in time, the shell is held and noticed - for every line, mark and chip it has on its body. Every imperfection a record of its history. Yet there is more than meets the eye.. all shells have a song within, and it’s not often that you find someone who pauses to listen to the song you have inside.

There are plenty of people looking for seashells. Some are collectors looking for a pretty shell to add to their mantlepiece. Some are freedom loving people who believe in leaving seashells back where they found them. And sometimes we might meet a child who envelops you with a sense of belonging by holding you so safe and precious, in hope of carrying you in their pocket for always.

We are on both sides of this - both finder and the found, hoping to be witnessed for our time on the beach. It’s these moments of being found that make us feel precious, even if just for a while.

For a seashell to sit where you found it, you’ll need the perfect wave, the perfect tide to float it into a crevice, only you’d find.

In that very moment, only you being able to find it is destiny.

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.. to things.
.. to people.
.. to feelings and states of being.
.. to expectations that are formed from the past and our aspirations for the future.

Lately, I've been in a relationship. A very different one from those I've had before. One that is healthy in consistency of care and communication, and one that feels a little lacking in lively conversation and depth in making meaning of life's little moments. I feel like two worlds exist - two groups, one of people with high-order standards for finding contentment in things, and those who find contentment easily.

Basing of the outcome of happiness, those who find easy contentment do win in this game of life - even if they lose out on this so called depth. They are truly happy with their lot, so they see themselves as winners anyway. Those who are concerned with losslessness of depth always want more, and they never win.

And perhaps winners should never be yoked unequally with non winners.

People are not perfect. I just want to transcend the default states of being I've been programmed to identify with, and make choices that make me feel truly alive. To form a deep intense bond with another human being, with deep meaning, deep love, and deep understanding. I want to know what love is, and I want you to show me.

And showing, is a funny thing.

Showing is not done only in action - but it's an illusory thing. It's performed via a person's love language - for some a touch that sends a tingle up your spine is all that evidences the realness you seek. For others it exists in words, words, beautiful prose with twists and turns that send your mind spinning, heart racing.

Are we attached to these evidences of love, programmed by our pasts..  that we cannot see the nature of love, in true, choice based, action based showing?

Why do we attach ourselves to others, out of fear and longing? Why do we attach ourselves to scripted scenes of deep connection, foiled by the tussle in our humanness that reveals most of all, the weakness in our character? Why do we attach ourselves to valuing an emotional tussle that is lesser in value, when we know that strength in character and that when someone chooses you again and again and again, and again - that this is pure gold?

So do you want gold smithed from strong silent hands like in times of old, or do you want to be caught in a web of spun gold, and lose yourself in the glistening detail of mass made threads of gold that speak the story of modern love and its reduced calibre for loving?

.. or are you seeing things in black and white, this or that.. when love can exist in freeform.. and that you can love something, whatever form it may take?

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May 16, 2020

To neither resist nor attach yourself to people and things. To simply glide past each person, whether worthy or not worthy of seeking out.. and just slip away.. as if we’re all floating in time and space.

Thinking about people and attraction.. Sometimes people come to you because they feel for you - it could be need, attraction, resonance, habit, convenience or even sympathy..

Sometimes we fend people off (or we let them slip) - because our energies are dissonant - but with what? With our shadow selves, fears, values, beliefs, judgement, expectations and perhaps our other aspirations for our lives.

When someone’s picture of tomorrow has no place for you - is there a fault in their picture making process to be excluding another, or is it just you trying to photobomb another person’s image of heaven?

Some pictures are better left sparse and minimal, and that’s okay. Some pictures are all-inclusive, colourful, a mish-mash of everything, and that’s okay.

No one’s holding you close, but no one is pushing you away - you’re just an experience someone doesn’t need today.

Some people are minimalists when it comes to people, and some are maximalists.. and it’s not for you to dwell on or worry about.. because life is sometimes cruel - in the shifting and restructuring of our lives, we drift, we make choices, we move on.

As we feel the fading and drifting apart, I believe in keeping memories someplace in my heart, with a sort of gratitude that does not make light of the moments we shared.. a deeply-felt, mature sort of gratitude, so tender and kind it does not waver through the five stages of grief, and never claims to forget.

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How might a commitment-free sexual exchange value-add or detract from your lived experience?

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How might a commitment-free sexual exchange value-add or detract from your lived experience?

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August 20, 2019

What I expect to receive at a base level in a sexual exchange:

Physical gratification (to engage in fair, skilful exchange and extended pleasure)

Physical intimacy (before/during/after)

Respect for women - there is a basic level of respect in terms of consent but there is another level which is one’s attitude towards women and how evolved or warped one’s understanding of the male-female dynamic is, how one’s concept of the feminine is represented, and how it resonates with those of my own.

An understanding that this is not about scoring, gameplay, and chalking of experience with a particular subset of people which I can be categorised into.

To have your body appreciated and be seen as beautiful and the flaws it carries as a mark of your journey as a person, with no shame or judgment.

Positive regard towards each other, and for the other to be appreciative that I have chosen to share my body with him/her in that moment.

What I envision as a deep spiritual and sexual connection:

Exploration of all your undisclosed desires, kinks and fantasies in a safe space, with the language, connection, openness and trust established to unpack it later.

To love passionately, fearlessly and shamelessly.

To spend your life in sacred union with a man who treasures the depth of connection to be had and is committed to honouring and deepening the sacredness of this experience by sharing his life with you (and only you).

That you become enough woman for this man, and this man becomes enough man for you.

To explore all that is man and woman in me, and all that is man and woman in the other.

To see the woman in the man, and the man in the woman.

To see yourself in this person, and to see that person in you.

To grow together individually, and also as one.

To explore all there is to explore and deepen all there is to deepen.

To love a soul in all its light and shadow.

To love a body into death and decay.

To create a safe space where sexual healing can happen - where untold fears and old traumas can be opened, journeyed through and made new meaning with in the arms of a supportive lover.

To hold unconditional space for all the other person is, and support them towards realising their highest dreams and living out the most fulfilling life they can live.

To look into the eyes of someone who means the world to you, and know you mean the world to them, as your bodies lock as one in wild and tender passion.

To know that no one else can do.

How might a commitment-free sexual exchange value-add to my lived experience?

Building experience and skill with different individuals.

Openness to the lessons or gifts others have to give in exchange.

How might a commitment-free sexual exchange detract from my lived experience?

Sharing your energies and loving someone takes time and effort, and when not careful, this energy can be misplaced, or become displaced.

It can lead to a habit of attachment or detachment. Sex ultimately is about building an intimate connection and it makes no sense to do it in a detached manner, or share that space with just anyone.

One remembers all the lovers they have loved in the past, and the space for sexual memories need to be protected so only those with purity of intent and the highest love towards you should be allowed to enter your sacred space and leave their imprint.

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March 21, 2020

It is the most pitiful thing to not want what you have.

You can be a monk or have a harem - or you could be a man with a wife.

There is beauty in the extremes, and there is beauty in the everyday.

The man who treasures the woman he has by his side, has what the monk and the man with the harem will never have.

If you choose monkhood, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose the harem, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.
If you choose a wife, reap all that is bountiful and beautiful in it.

Whatever you do, delve deep - for there is a harem in a woman, as there is marriage in monkhood.

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2 September, 2019

I want to be a vessel
Raw
Uncoated
With cleaned out insides

Where truth can be poured in
Received with all my being
Kept within
Safe for drinking
Nourishing the next soul
On a thirsty night

To take
To hold
To transform
To give

I want to be a vessel
That purifies
That brings magic
That contains
Not hurt, but hope

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August 20, 2019

Once upon a time I used to yearn for my special someone to spend some time each night to work through unpacking my heart with me. And I wished he would unpack his heart with me - to give this unpacking importance, and to trust me with his heart. But sometimes spiritual and emotional blockages stand in the way, and those lofty expectations for a deep and spiritually evolved partnership laid dormant under the everyday struggle of raising children as a solo-parent, years of feeling chronically unseen, and navigating married life with unevolved emotional coping mechanisms.

Fast forward to the recent past, fast and furiously a man came into my life and swept me right off my feet with his willingness to talk about his emotions, and even shared my dream of finding that one person to resonate with and grow with in becoming a better person each day. I looked back at years of regret and asked myself if I could go back to the life I had lived and live it for the rest of my life. I had a chance to escape this discontent, to chase a new love that came on so fervently and strong.. So I left my marriage to jump in deep, to do what I couldn’t as a married woman.

I sacrificed many things to chase this dream - an intact family for my children, my troubled but steadfast relationship with my best friend whom I had grown up with, who first got me started with thinking about thinking at fourteen. Someone I had known for half my life, someone whom I could call on and spam text anytime, someone who has weathered through all sides of me, someone whose arms I could run to, fall apart and tremble in, naked and naked in vulnerability. Someone who’s seen all my ugly and still loved me (even though he didn’t know how to show it in my love language).

I gave that all up. Because there was an adventure I needed to chase. The promise of happy. The promise of harmony and an equal partnership. The promise of having a partner who would smile back at you. The promise of everyday tenderness that hung like unreachable candy for all those years, finally within reach. And we know how that story goes. The chase, and the bait and switch. Except that it’s never as simple as it sounds, because when you love somebody you believe them with all your heart - that they never intended to hurt you, no matter how much their actions and non-actions have brought you pain.

And when that pain came, I broke out each night in hives all over my body. I still battle with hives even today. Pained by upheaval and absence, I found myself unable to get out of bed each morning, fighting sleep each night, and struggled to stay focused at chasing my work and studies. I lost a job, a marriage and work opportunities during that time. Friends came along to pull me to out of that terrible sadness, terrible loneliness, and that terrible mess I had found myself in.

Thank you my friends, to the old friends who cared, and the new friends who have come in to support me through this time. I am truly grateful to all the kindred souls who have offered me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold, and those who believed my story (and our story) even when I was a battered, confused mess, which I sometimes still am.

From here on, I will use this space to unpack my heart, for I cannot let trauma shrink the love I have to give to the world. My heart needs to beat steadily again for my children and the people whom I care about in this world. And my energy needs some cleaning out so my naive heart can continue to chase love and happiness, boldly and undeterred.

The only thing I can do to repay this kindness the world has shown me, is to be the best version of myself, and let my light shine so others can believe in love too.

With or without a hand to hold or arms to tremble in, I can still unpack my heart.