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green= documents
purple= sketchbook*
yellow= research*
blue= outcomes*

*reflection done throughout

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gACW1DYKayMHw6bba68amq6XVJwrBo1_MKqJXGS69Js/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DFnM8ErVOzwn4zSfr5LF2E9CHtxieW17T2uo31fprWk/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DFnM8ErVOzwn4zSfr5LF2E9CHtxieW17T2uo31fprWk/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DFnM8ErVOzwn4zSfr5LF2E9CHtxieW17T2uo31fprWk/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DFnM8ErVOzwn4zSfr5LF2E9CHtxieW17T2uo31fprWk/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DFnM8ErVOzwn4zSfr5LF2E9CHtxieW17T2uo31fprWk/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/12uBv0ki_RIZ5Dlu-ujM3xeaYeEicSwdrOCvSMMxG8sg/edit?usp=sharing

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/12uBv0ki_RIZ5Dlu-ujM3xeaYeEicSwdrOCvSMMxG8sg/edit?usp=sharing

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After the Francis Bacon Exhibition, I am more passionate than ever to study Art History and be the best at reading the psychology behind the paintings in the world. His understanding of the human form allows him to manipulate it exactly how he wants to- this was made more impressive considering he only became an artist in this thirties.

His compositions are genius and the lack of background and context connects with my work. I similarly want to make the figure the focus and for it to speak for itself.

His ranging use of colour is highly communicative and I want to attempt using a colder palette to communicate a sense of melancholy.

I need my colour palette to be more expressive and link better to the context so it creates a certain atmosphere to the viewer (simply put: blue= sad, red= angry... and so on).

I chose a difficult topic because when I feel my worst or most vulnerable, I have the least energy or motivation to do anything, let alone draw and paint. But these are the exact feelings and moments I want to capture and communicate across this series.

It is undeniably what I find most appealing and important in art: vulnerability and drawing from ones experience. Bacon's sadomasochistic preferences are so evident in his work which, to me, is utterly satisfying. He paints what he knows because he knows nothing else. Those are always the paintings that are the most emotive. Titian's influence on Bacon is subtle but visible. Bacon draws from his influences and meshes that with his personality, creating intricate works that take a lifetime to unpack.

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Liz Atkin often uses digital media to distort the human form through movement. The self-portraits communicate her own struggle with her mental wellbeing and relationship with her body; especially their relationship to each other. She inspired me to use a digital medium which, I suppose, is a nod to  social media's influence on young women, including myself, and our self-esteem. This is definitely not the focus of my project through.
I was captured by the fluidity of her distortion and how each segment of flesh in the piece, flows into the next- it isn't jagged or disjointed. This was a big factor when I was editing and choosing which panoramas to paint.
It was very insightful to study her take on mental health in the contemporary environment.

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I love the horizontal distortion of this piece and I have yet to try doing horizontal panoramas. I also love the inclusion of the hands, not only framing the image, but adding to the atmosphere of what I believe to be desperation and panic as she is shielding herself from whatever is hurting her.

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This was my very first self portrait of this series. Looking back and seeing my development in technique and is absolutely amazing. My aim with this piece was to free up my brushstrokes and work on not blending all the colours together as I had been taught to do my whole artistic education. I edited the colours on my laptop to be more purple, inspired by Manuel Mathieu. His incredibly particular colour choices (and his common use of purple) create a dream-like, fluid and vibrant space. I wanted to echo this transience in my work as I was trying to capture a specific feeling of self-exploration. I think the pose lends itself very well to that as the eye peeks out through my elongated fingers and communicates a sense of exploration and emergence- emergence from a previously vulnerable and child-like outlook on my experiences.
Looking back at my technique and brushwork, it appears sloppy as I was using a really large brush for everything but the face. The hairs of the brush were also very coarse which made it difficult to work with as it would drag paint off the surface, leaving bits exposed. This meant I blended my strokes a lot more so I decided to use a smaller, softer brush in the future.
I also think I settled too quickly into the choice of picture. I should've kept taking panoramas as, apart from the face, the body and pose isn't communicating anything. I want to explore pushing the abstraction of the figure even further. I do think that the colours are mostly well matched and understood (the sleeves leave something to be desired).

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Scott Lancashire exhibited in the BP Portrait Award at the National Gallery and I went to see his work (this was not the painting). I love the painting above because of the expressive mark making. He seems to carve the figure into the pace using block colours and purposeful strokes. He doesn't blend the colour swatches and it's cool to squint and see the colours merge together.
I absolutely love the colours and their vibrancy. The contrast of warm and cool tones creates a realistic rendering of the figure. The upward perspective of the work is also really cool as it is rare to see this steep of an angle- i think i should try this with my panoramas; to push the perspective and what parts of the body are 'closest' to the viewer.

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I love how the blank background allows the figure to stand out against it. The high contrast is really successful in rendering the figure and I want to keep this in mind as I edit and paint throughout the project. I also like the saturation and the heat that comes off the painting from the deep orange brushstrokes.

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Well more of a nightmare as I woke up sobbing. I won't expand but I wanted to draw on this for my project. To make a painting about this, I think taking isolation and rejection as my themes would be good. For isolation I envisage a smaller figure on a larger canvas to emphasise that atmosphere of loneliness. I also think making some graphite and oil pastel self-portraits that are not distorted would be helpful in visually connecting with my subject as I have only been studying it when distorted. I took some panoramas while I was crying in the morning but none of them turned out to be usable.

My concern for the FMP is that I won't develop the project enough seeing as the idea has followed on from the previous project and is already quite developed and I am happy currently working with the same method over the next few paintings.

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Lucian Freud- self-portraiture, impasto technique and incredible use of flesh tones= non-distorted self-portraits?
Lucian Freud: the Self Portraits.

Self-Portrait, Reflection, (2003- 04) pg 131

Man's Head (Self-Portrait I and III), (1963) pg 95

Self-portrait, (1956) pg 89

My thoughts:
Seeing his paintings in the past has always made a lasting impression as I love how he carves his figures into the space with the thick brushstrokes and marks- shadows and highlights, along with a variety of hues to demonstrate the complexity of human skin.

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I especially like this painting as the brushstrokes gave a fractured and segmented look to the portrait. There is an element of distortion through the elongation of the top of the head and the small size of the eyes.

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Chapter: In Search of the Self,

'Central role of autobiographical elements' pg 80.

'Underlying conceptualism' pg 80.

Eduardo Paolozzi's Head of Hephaestus, pg 86; fractured portrait sculpture in bronze, seems almost pixelated. Reminds me of cubist sculpture- specifically Picasso's portrait sculpture. 'Rivet-like insertions suggesting perhaps both psychological complexities and creative energy from within' pg 116.

Tom Wood's Old Science II, pg 90;
Distorted self-portrait, colourful. 'Analytical self-portraits, the geometric motifs suggesting pressures and stresses' pg 125.

My thoughts; self-inquisition comes very naturally to us since humans are highly intelligent animals. We spend everyday with ourselves yet never know everything about ourselves. We our guided by our subconscious which influences every stroke, mark and decision we make. Overall, the book wasn't too helpful but I'm glad it reminded me of the fractured and distorted cubist portrait sculptures that play with multiple viewpoints; much like a panorama.

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This is one of my favourite paintings of this series so far. I explored pushing that abstraction further with the left portion of my body and face missing, and the elongated fingers that stretch off towards a dismembered hand echoing Liz Atkin's work. In editing the colours for this picture, I was looking at Van Gogh's portraits- works such as Self-Portrait with Grey, Felt Hat (1887), and Self-Portrait (1889). The high yellow saturation communicated warmth but also a sickly feeling (seeing as yellowing of the skin is referred to as jaundice which occurs during liver failure). I wanted the image to be unsettling and uncomfortable to look at to echo my emotions of the time as I reminisced over my childhood experiences. I love how the hand looks as if I am reaching into the past and, with my single eye, I am scrutinising how every moment collated to make me into the woman I am today.
Of course Van Gogh did not only inspire the colouring but also the brushwork. I tried to consciously isolate each stroke and avoid blending entirely. I am so happy with how successfully I achieved this using one small, soft brush for everything.
I like how the figure exists within this blank void, although after I finished and went on the art trip I realised how much I hated the idea of the 'White Cube'. I didn't want to touch the work once it was done so this is something I will explore in the future.

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Self-Portrait with Grey, Felt Hat (1887)

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Self-Portrait with Grey, Felt Hat (1887)

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The complementary blue and orange in this piece is very powerful in pulling focus towards the yellow skin. The way that the brushstrokes change direction to indicate relief is truly what inspires me about this piece. He is also making direct eye contact with the viewer which is incredibly powerful and builds an intimate connection between the observer and the artist.

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The winding fluidity and isolated, visible brushstrokes provide an element of subtle distortion which I may explore. The random nature of panoramas mean that this would be a trial and error based process.

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At first, out of heavy inspiration from Manuel Mathieu, I aimed to make sure purple featured in the work- I went on to choose colours based on the atmosphere I wanted to create rather than simply experimenting and seeing what I am left with. These settings are simply available when choosing to edit on the apple camera roll so I didn't have to download any additional software. I loved editing all my most successful panoramas and playing around with temperature; but always making sure the pictures were saturated and vibrant.

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I think this piece is really strong even though it isn't finished. The echoing of the fingers along the painting, creates movement and seems to guide the viewers eyes through the work. I absolutely love how I painted the face and I want to make sure I keep with this technique during the project. I love how "creepy" the left eye is as it is a nod to the discomfort of looking back into my past and re-evaluating my experiences and how they have effected the very person I am today. This scrutiny into the past is what started this project and I think that sense of questioning is really successful in this quizzical expression.
I didn't finish the work as I was in a particularly rough patch. As I said, I think this works in the paintings favour and even though it is technically not how I expected it to look, to me this is a finished work.
I absolutely love this colour scheme; the pink and green complement each other beautifully and blending the colours into one another was a fun challenge. The texture of each stroke is visible and I love that as it gives the work an element of dynamism.

If I were to go back and change anything, I would 100% prime the canvas for the sake of longevity as I painted straight onto the gloss. The gloss allowed for a really smooth and fluid paint application which I would have to sacrifice to paint on the rougher gesso.

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After a tutorial with Kate and a conversation with Ben, I have cleared up my priorities in this project. An excellent point was made that, firstly, I haven't researched many contemporary artists and secondly, I haven't researched many artists of colour. Ben was incredibly helpful in finding some contemporary artists where I actually looked at their work and felt that spark. I'm mostly attracted to works through their colour palette or vibrance. What I struggled with before was trying to force a connection with the artists I was researching and then not being truly inspired by them. I found researching older artists such as Van Gogh and Picasso was more attractive as I had studied them and knew more about them- something that I just lack with contemporary artists. This leads to a lack of artists of colour. As my paintings are not about race and I am not a woman of colour this is a topic that I won't be dealing with in this project (although I feel I will in the future- e.g. doing portraits of others; including people of colour). I think that through continuing to find modern artists who explore portraiture I will find artists of colour but I don't think its something that I will actively look for.
Manuel Mathieu is a contemporary, figurative painter who kickstarted my whole project as he painted his inner turmoils and conflicts. His colour palette and abstractions pushed me to explore panoramic and colour distortions. As a man of colour, he explores his Haitian heritage and the political conflict of the nation and his identity through his historical influences: such as Goya and his Black Paintings series. This inspires me as he is able to seamlessly blend the two (modern and historic influences) and achieve a truly unique outcome that could have only come from his mind, experience and education.

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sweeping strokes

rich, vibrant colours

focus is on making marks and strokes and drips- the relationship between the brush and canvas.

textured surface

intuitive process

inspired by real life experience

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his common use of of that specific cool purple

a figure, a portrait

communicates pain and the weight of experience

saturated yellow skin

piercing gaze, connects with viewer and creates mournful/ almost creepy atmosphere

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clear inspiration from 'Saturn devouring his son' by Goya

fluid strokes that render a form

saturated pigments

bottom left of canvas has warm green and light pink- these go beautifully together.

a figure in agony, pain gained from negative experiences

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Block coloured, vibrant background- would make the figures pop. I fight against the 'white cube' so why have I left all my backgrounds blank (and mostly white)?
COLOUR ENHANCES COLOUR!!!
I am absolutely obsessed with this painting I saw on the art trip by Maria Lassnig; my copy is pictured above in oil pastel. The yellowish-green background and the disjointed, distorted self portrait are bewitching, along with the vibrant colour of the body which communicates the disharmony and confusion of Lassnig's body image.

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vibrant, complementary colours; green and pink (light red), orange and blue, purple and yellow

powerful atmosphere of quiet contemplation created through lowered gaze and maternal posture.

solid colour background

visible and meaningful brushstrokes

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areas unfinished

mournful downward gaze, sorrowful expression

large variety of pink hues to render the skin

distortion of skin, arm and facial structure creates sense of unease

figure in a blank void

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mouth agape and eyes spacey create a dazed expression

yellowish green skin, highlighted with pink

again, a figure in a vibrant void. echoes expression

mark making adds sense of urgency in painting process

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this self-portrait definitely does not strike a physical resemblance and I don't like that but I do think that a simple, non-distorted, neutral-faced self-portrait was a good exercise. I know the eyes are too big and the face is not long enough under the chin.

Looking back and writing this a week later and now that I have had that discussion with Kate and Ben, I realise how forced this was- it contributed nothing to my project and hasn't altered or evolved my ideas in any way. The natural sketchbook I have been keeping is more about noting down my thoughts rather than drawing things out. It is difficult to do that as panoramas are so random and I can't predict how the will turn out to plan a composition or anything. What I can and will do is trial out colour combos and think how I can convey the appropriate emotions through colour.

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This trial in my sketchbook was to try out a deep orange and how it want with some warm yellow skin. I chose to try orange instead of red or a darker brown as I felt it brought out the shadows of the figure, as well as complimenting the bright yellow highlights. I uses oil pastels for this work as an experiment with an alternative media but oil pastels are hard to blend and it is incredibly tricky to achieve exact hues. You can't mix- only work with the colours on hand.
I think leaving white on the background framed the figure quite well and echoed the unfinished nature of the features left blank in the middle.
I think making the background blue or purple would have been slightly too playful and overwhelming. The next piece I did I wanted to attempt this colour palette.

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This work is a trial- a sketch. I struggled with this work because I began painting it and then took many days away from it as I was mentally unwell. This meant the paint had dried and when I came back to it, I couldn't work with the previous layer and it was really hard to work with. At this point, after finishing the face, I stepped away and called it a day: a trial that I would walk away from and just not include.
Then I went on the art trip and saw Maria Lassnig's work and complained about how every gallery space was a white cube. I came home and looked at all my white backgrounds behind my paintings and laughed to myself.
Long story short, I added a background to this work as a trial and I absolutely love it (not enough to finish it though). The warm orange glow is slightly lighter around the figure to draw the viewers eye inwards to the figure. With all the colours being so vibrant and warm, in my mind is creates a hot environment- one where you sweat and can't breathe and you're uncomfortable and sticky and stressed. I want it to be overwhelming to communicate how I feel right now as I uncover myself and who I have become through my past experiences. What makes is so hard is my medication is not working, I feel every little emotion (not the good ones unfortunately) and I wanted to get that sweaty and anxious environment across. The sickly, yellowish green background of Lassnig's work, so perfectly compliments the blue and pink figure and creates much more of an environment than if the background where blank.

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As much as I liked this painting, I don't think it had enough colour variation and I had already explored that warm and saturated colour palette. I was also looking to move in the direction of including my body and feet in the paintings to reflect my current reality and challenges.
The lack of colour variation meant I struggled with the technique, and how to apply the paint without all the colours blending together completely. I know for the next work that I need to include more variety and also pixelation for texture.
The canvas itself was battered and even had a hole in it on the right side but I liked that element as the purpose of collecting and using wood from the streets was to reflect me gathering and piecing myself together through this exploratory project. It may sound a little silly but I took care to clean and smooth out the board to mimic how I was trying to treat myself during this difficult time- this was a cathartic experience each time I found a new board.

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This is my skeleton and the colourful images were particularly striking to me through their vibrance. There were many more images, all in brilliant blues and yellows (and every colour in between). This dissection of my body- photos are taken in slices- is almost a physical version of what I have been trying to paint. Attempting to dismantle and understand my mental state and thoughts and then visualise them on top of that has been such a challenge and I believe this is something I will spend my whole artistic career trying to develop and achieve.

Of course my chronic pain is also a great source of inspiration as learning how to function as a disabled person in an able society and not getting mad at the world has been the focus of my whole conscious life. This battle is an incredibly isolating one and is something few people relate to; so how do I communicate it? Everyone has felt pain but few people for as long and consistently as me and its a very different kind of relationship- colour as emotion is definitely the way I could best describe it.

This appointment also made me realise I was focusing on my face and I should really be including my whole body: especially my feet. This opened up a whole new possibility for poses and compositions.

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This work was such a challenge to work on! I was so excited to start exploring my relationship with my body and mind on the canvas but I could not finish this piece. The paint on the surface of the board was so rough and highly resistant to my brushstrokes. I paint without white spirit as it means the colour is highly saturated and I can focus on bettering my technique and not blending all the colours together which means the paint is thicker and less malleable. I additionally used the same brush for every piece as this allows all the works to relate to each other.

In a haste of frustration I sanded the paint down in an effort to remove it although this would remove the sketch too and I  really didn't want to look at this work again, let alone sketch and paint with no guarantee it would come out any differently. But since this piece had now become a failure, I used it to explore the possibility of framing the figure by leaving the previous surface exposed- an ode to the beginning of the project.

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After mentally moving on from painting this specific figure, I decided not to waste the canvas and to try out using a border about the figure. This allowed the original surface texture to be visible to reference the beginning of the project. I think it looks quite bad once I've stepped back from it. The white is so harsh and pulls way too much focus to the edges of the canvas and away from the centre and the figure. The edges of the border are also scrappy and look messy. I think I may try it again to make sure that I actually don't like this and that it's not just the rest of the fail tainting my view of the work.

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I remember taking this panorama in the midst of a breakdown. I found this was the best way to capture my emotion in the images because if I just posed for the panoramas, it wouldn't be authentic and would feel forced.
Thrown off by the previous failure, I really struggled with my technique in this piece. I went over all of the skin twice as I wasn't happy with how the marks were coming out. This piece pushed me to do a larger final piece as I could tell that if i had a larger area to work within, the thickness of the marks would make sense and look proportional.
I couldn't finish working on this painting as I was in a particularly rough patch and I was in a negative headspace so I got frustrated with my second attempt being not much improved from my first.

The fluid border is something I don't want to continue although it is a great way to show when the panorama cut and distorted the photo. As I said previously, I just think it commands too much attention and the focus should be on the gaze and the struggle I'm trying to communicate. Although, considering I am trying to communicate the physical pain in my feet and its relation to my mental health, the feet aren't pulling very much focus at all. I think drawing focus compositionally or with colour would be most successful.

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Not only is oil paint a vibrant and saturated medium, it also has a long drying time which allows me to take breaks and time away from the paintings. As my topic is exploring my current mental health journey, sometimes I am caught up in a low mood and cannot bring myself to be productive in any aspect of my life. Finding a medium that lets me take breaks to work on my mental health or regain the motivation was a joy. Every painting I have done throughout this project, I have developed my technique, sometimes in a direction I didn't like so I would go back to one of my earlier paintings and figure out how and why I did it in that way. From this self-reflection I figured out that I should never blend- every time I put my brush on the canvas it should have a colour on it- and to not be afraid of those blocks of colour. Oil paint's saturation has also let me explore all sorts of colour combinations to evoke an atmosphere.

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While collecting wood for my final project, I came across a piece that had split into three. I thought about painting a figure across all three and displaying it as a triptych or perhaps doing two figures and exploring the space and relationship between both of them. I decided this would be too complex as I wanted to focus on evoking a single emotion in each work and due to the random nature of panoramas, this proved extremely difficult to achieve. The poses needed to relate and mould around one another. The expressions also needed to align and make sense next to each other- not distract from the other figure.

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The scale was really effective in allowing my to paint almost individual pixels of colour. Like in Scott Lancashire's work, when you step back and squint your eyes, the blocks of colour blend together and merge to create an overall hue. This technique of placing the colours next to each other instead of blending them together is hugely influenced by Scott Lancashire, along with Van Gogh and Lucian Freud.

In my sketchbook I experimented with a lot of colour combinations but I always came back to green and pink. I think the green is really successful at communicating a sense of unease- to the point of illness as I mentioned in Van Gogh's work with the association of jaundice. I have not been diagnosed with liver failure, but for the last nine years I have been in and out of hospitals; lying in scanners for hours, having my blood drawn or being injected with radioactive isotopes and corticosteroids to attempt to understand my disability. I'm not technically sick but I am sick of it (it being the pain and the endless uncertainty)! The flecks of red, pink and orange are supposed to create the sense of heat, pain and inflammation that I constantly feel in my feet.

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Initially I left space around the edge of the canvas in that fluid way I had previously, but looking back at those works and seeing that on this large scale felt out of place. I painted over the gaps I had left (one of them is visible in the reflection on the top left of this painting) and I think it looks a lot better with a solid blank background. The figure stands out as strongly as I intended it to against this very light purple- an ode to Manuel Mathieu's inspiration on this project. This light colour doesn't turn up anywhere on the figure so it allows the vibrant greens and reds to really pop.

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I knew I wanted to make sure the jumper was really dark to contrast the delicacy of the skin and stand out against the background. In the same way that Freud and Scott Lancashire used lighter blocks of colour to render the figure, I tried to increase the contrast between the highlights and lowlights of the jumper to create a reasonably realistic form. This lower section of the jumper may be my favourite bit of the painting funnily enough. I just think that diagonal shadow above the light area of the pocket came out so well. I tried to paint mostly in tones to prevent paint waste- to lay down the darkest or lightest colours and then work on the mid range and bring the dark and light together.

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The final outcome! Composition, pain, corrections and Lassnig:

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The final outcome! Composition, pain, corrections and Lassnig:

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The first challenge (apart from reaching the top of the canvas to draw and paint) was that the right side of my body (and the top of my toe) were not captured in the picture. I had to draw the anatomy of the ankle and folds on the right sleeve from my imagination. I don't often practice drawing in this scale so it was quite a challenge to make sure it was all proportional and the colours made sense in relation to the rest of the work. Stepping away from the work and looking at it as a whole was the best way to gauge this.

Compositionally, I am obsessed with the fact that the foot is more than double the size of my head. The distortion in this work is not as dramatic as when my project began where I was taking a lot of inspiration from Liz Atkin, but I think it successfully emphasises exactly what I need it to: my pain and my sadness. The large foot is the one that the corticosteroids were injected into and had an adverse reaction to, leaving me in agony which is hard to do considering the amount of pain I'm already in. I love the amount of red on the heel as this is where the pain collects. And the red is all over my skin to communicate how the pain effects every muscle, tendon and ligament in my body and also my mental wellbeing. It has infected every aspect of my life. I think this mirrors Bacon in the way that he paints directly influenced by his life experiences; he paints pain, hardship and agony removed from the context of recognisable space.

Maria Lassnig. I am irrevocably obsessed with her work. Her colour choices and physicality based work will surely inspire me for the rest of my artistic career. Seeing her work in person was truly fantastic and I was entranced by their vibrancy and subject. She spoke about painting intuitively, responding to the body parts she is aware of at the time of painting which is something I tried to channel throughout the entire process of this painting.

If I were to change anything, I would paint over the light greenish yellow on the top half of the jumper as I think this is too close to the skin colour and pulls focus away from the important places: face and feet. I would additionally change the directionality of the brushstrokes on the left thigh. They create a circle and I don't think this really makes sense. I would instead curve the right side of the circle to the right, framing the heel and not pulling focus.