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Thing you did well : Most of my questions were answered after reading the whole story ( like when the Mc said that he was the boy who hit John )
Things you can improve on: You can try to describe more when he got hurt

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1.you have used good phrases like"the sky was splashed with a bucket of orange paint,symbolising that the day was going to end.
2.We do'nt think that we can answer the question on whether the story is believable or not,as it is not quite completed yet
3.We also do not really see the connection on how this might be a flashback,but of course, it is not completed.

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your story line is not related to the 3 PARAGRAPHS miss sylvianne provided however it is a flashback and you said it was not complete so i assume that you  will eventually add it in...Alo, you have to emphasise on the fact that he was you step brother and why your mother kcicmee him out of the house

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Feedback for Janya and Zainab(from Drishyaa)

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Feedback for Janya and Zainab(from Drishyaa)

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1.I think your story was believable as muscular dystrophy is a real life condition which people experience and also you stated that he had that condition since he was twelve so that also made your story believable.
2.This story sustained my interest as you used a lot of good SNT to make me feel like I was present at the scene of the story(e.g:you used good phrases to describe Asa's hard life with the disorder and the problems that the MC's family faced)
3.The characters were magnetic as they made me understand the problems Asa faced as a victim of that disorder (through SNT and character description) and some of the phrases that you used were really good(eg:'my mum,my dad and myself were lime planets orbiting around him' and 'was a burden of earth on his shoulders' etc.)

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1.the story was believable because muscular dystrophy is a real existing condition and

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It all started with a simple click. And a bad decision. The perfect recipe for disaster. It started when John, my foolish brother, decided to befriend a boy he had met on an pnline gaming site. They met on an online gaming site. A game John was awesome at. From what I’m guessing, the boy got irritated and envious of John, as the boy always lost to John. In the end, the boys met and got onto a fight after the boy insulted John, who had a short fuse. The boy accidentally pushed John into a pole where John hit his head hard on a sharp piece of metal sticking out of the pole. Blood gushed out of John’s head like an overflowing river, staining the ground of a ten meter radius crimson red.That’s what happened. All of it was the truth. Well, most of it. Plot twist: I was the boy..

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it is not related to the theme and you have to include it in a flashback whereas yours is simply a continuation

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1.I think the story was believable as the disorder that Asa had actually exists in real life so

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• Believable because at least once in your life you’ll sneak out of the house
• The vagueness at the front hooked me in but the ending was a little disappointing as I don’t know hiw its related to the accident.
• te

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Amirah and Delaney to Nurul Huda and Nazeerah

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Amirah and Delaney to Nurul Huda and Nazeerah

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~It is a believable story
~Has good phrases inside
~GOOD suspense on what had happened to the brother
~Was there any backstory between the two brothers.?(you could add one

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1) Believable? Why?

I think the story was believable, as it would be common to have parents to care a lot about somebody who had a illness that was quite severe.

2) How did the author sustain your interest?

They used Show Not Tell. For example: they had described how their parents had cared for their son well.

e.g: They were like planets orbiting him.

It interested me, and I felt a little sense of pity towards the main character.

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Riddhima and Melissa to Min Jia and Amy 

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Riddhima and Melissa to Min Jia and Amy 

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1.  You have used good phrases.
For eg. the sky was splashed with a bucket of orange paint, symbolising that the day was going to end.

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“Why did you tell on me. I thought I trusted you?” I yelled at my brother after finding out that he had told my parents that I snuck out of the house in the middle of the night. The moment my mother heard me screaming at my brother in his room , she barged into the room and dragged me out.
For the next few days, I did not go near him or talk to him. When he saw me talking to my Mother , he asked my what we were talking about. “Why should I tell you. I know you are just going to tell other people if I tell you to keep it to yourself,” I sneered before walking awya

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I remembered the time I nearly died.....

One faithful day, I was busy trying to get my life together when I saw this boy begging for food with all his might for he was tired and weak. Having pity on him, I brought food for him. When giving him the food, I caught a glimpse of a picture and as I reached for it, a familiar face caught my eye. I saw my father with his hand over the boy's shoulder. This sense of guilt washed over me. The moment of the time that my parents got married flashed in my mind.

'Elizabeth Jones weds John lewis ' flashed over the decorations. I was the daughter of Elizabeth Jones. My mother married once and then divorced. But she and my dad fell in love and married. Jacob was the son of John lewis. My mother did not like Jacob that well so much so she did not take care of him well.
The reason why my father had a son before marrying my mom, he was also a divorcee. My mother kicked jacob out of the house and lied to my father telling him Jacob ran away from the house. And I was part of the scheme of my mother. (Not done yet).😝

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"What?!" I shrieked, a sudden surge of shock overwhelmed me.
Rivulets after rivulets of salty tears made its way down my rosy cheeks. With trembling hands, I gingerly picked up my cell phone.
"Your brother...Blood...Hospital... Crying..." Those were the only words from Mother I could hear with the fuzzy sound in my ears. I started hyperventilating. Brother! What could have happened to him? How could I lose my one and only dear brother? Without a moment's hesitation, I dashed out from home and proceeded to the nearest train station......................... With worry generously smeared all over my pale face, I rushed to the Information counter.
" Where is Hamish Marchant's ward? I need to see him..." I gushed.

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Having been sick repetitively , my one and only brother suffered a severe case of muscular dystrophy at a young age of twelve years old. Due to this unfortunate and rare dytrophy , experiencing life was never going to be and was not an easy one. Movement , thinking and making self decision was a burden of the earth on his shoulders . Although support from out parents was already immense , this game of life for Asa was seemingly escalating in difficulty. Being the sun in the in our family of four, my mum , my dad and myself were like the planets orbiting around him. Regardless of whether it was simple situation like he had dropped his book on the floor , running after him was the immediate reaction.

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As I thought more and more about what had happened I could not help but remember the events that led up to this unfortunate events. “It was all your fault.” My conscience chided again and again like an echo.” “Charles we are supposed to go to the arcade today! Hurry up and get ready!” My twelve year old brother, Tom budged.
"Ting” I was so relieved when my best friend Tim texted.
"Hey buddy meet me at the stadium for the football game.”
I finally had an excuse to skip the stupid “arcade Saturday.” that I had to go to with my brother every week. At first it was fun but now I dread it because if anyone found out it would be so embarrassing.
"Sorry have to go to the football game, next time!” I had to ditch my little brother again.
" Fine! I’ll go myself again!” Tom replied.
I just hate to remember what happened next.
Tom was crossing the road when a speedy car collided.
How I wish I could tur back the clock

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"Excuse me! Excuse me! Family emergency! I squealed awkwardly as I threw myself against the full train carriage in a selfish attempt to create that little bit of standing space for myself, steeling myself against dirty looks thrown my way by irate commuters who bore the brunt of my body weight hurled against them.

"Excuse me! Brother dying... in the hospital... accident..." I panted breathlessly, hoping for some sympathetic display of camaraderie from my fellow commuters.

It worked.

More space was created by empathetic commuters and one even asked me what had happened. While relating the incident with whatever sparse details I could remember of that fuzzy conversation a short while ago with Mother, I ended up peppering the story with an exaggerated hyperbole of crashes and muted imagination of bloody scenes and details re-enacted and re-created only in my mind.