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𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓼 𝓪 𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓹𝓪𝓭𝓵𝓮

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𝓣𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓲𝓼 𝓪 𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓹𝓪𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓽. 𝓕𝓸𝓻 𝓶𝓮. 𝓓𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓫𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓿𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰. 𝓐𝓽 𝓪𝓵𝓵. 𝓘 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓾𝓼𝓮 𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓰𝓮𝓻/𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼, 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓫𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝓪𝓼𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓻 𝓹𝓸𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓲𝓽 𝓸𝓾𝓽. 𝓛𝓮𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓲𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓸𝓷'𝓽 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝓲𝓽.

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ɢʀᴇᴇɴ ɪꜱ ᴍʏ ᴄᴏʟᴏʀ. ɪᴛ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ᴄᴏᴅᴇ ꜰᴏʀ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ. ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴀꜱꜱᴜᴍᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀᴡɪꜱᴇ.

𝔹𝕝𝕒𝕔𝕜: ℙ𝕒𝕕𝕝𝕖𝕥 𝕡𝕣𝕠𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕞𝕤/𝕕𝕣𝕒𝕞𝕒
ℝ𝕖𝕕: ℝ𝕖𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡𝕤
𝕆𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖: 𝔽𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕡𝕤
𝔹𝕝𝕦𝕖: 𝔽𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪
ℙ𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕝𝕖: 𝕆 𝕥 𝕙 𝕖 𝕣 ?

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~ℕ𝕒𝕞𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕕𝕖𝕤/𝔼𝕩𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕟𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤~

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~ℕ𝕒𝕞𝕖 ℂ𝕠𝕕𝕖𝕤/𝔼𝕩𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕟𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤~

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| 𝙰𝚍𝚍-𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊𝚛𝚢 |

ˢ⁻ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵖᵃʳᵗⁿᵉʳ, ˡᵒᵛᵉˡʸ, ᵇʳᵒᵏᵉⁿ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵐᵉ, ˢʷⁱᵗᶜʰ, ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵃⁿᵍʳʸ
ᴷ⁻ ᵉˣ, ⁱᵈⁱᵒᵗ⁻ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ ˡᵒᵛᵉˢ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᶠⁱᵍʰᵗˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵍᵉᵗˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉʸ ʷᵃⁿᵗ
ᶻ⁻ ᴮᵒʸᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ ⁽ᴴᵉ/ᵀʰᵉʸ/ˢʰᵉ⁾⁻ ˡᵒᵛᵉˡʸ ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ⁻ ᵗᵃˡˡ, ˢʷⁱᵗᶜʰ, ᵇᵘᵗ ᵒᵇˡⁱᵛⁱᵒᵘˢ ᵒᶠᵗᵉⁿ
ᴷᴷ⁻ ᴹᵒᵐ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ
ᴶ⁻ ᵀᵃˡˡ ᵇᵒᵗᵗᵒᵐ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ
ᵀ⁻ ᶜᵒᵒˡ ᵍᵘʸ ʷʰᵒ ᵗʳⁱᵉˢ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉˡᵖ⁻ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ
Q⁻ ᴹᵒᵐ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ'ˢ ᵖᵃʳᵗⁿᵉʳ, ᴿᵉᵐᵘˢ ᵏⁱⁿⁿⁱᵉ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ
ᴸ⁻ ᴰᵘᵐᵇ ᵇⁱᵗᶜʰ ʷʰᵒ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗˢ ᶠⁱᵍʰᵗˢ ᶜᵒⁿˢᵗᵃⁿᵗˡʸ
ᴸᴳ⁻ ʸᵒᵘⁿᵍᵉʳ ᵗᵃˡˡᵉʳ ᵇʳᵒᵗʰᵉʳ; ᵃʳʳᵒᵍᵃⁿᵗ, ⁱᵈⁱᵒᵗⁱᶜ
ᴹᴳ⁻ ʸᵒᵘⁿᵍᵉʳ ˢⁱˢᵗᵉʳ ʷʰᵒ ⁱˢ ⁿᵒ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵗʰᵃⁿ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵃ ᵈᵘᵐᵇ ᵇⁱᵗᶜʰ
ᴹ⁻ ᴹᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᴰᵉᵃʳᵉˢᵗ
ᴿ⁻ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ⁻ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿᵉ ᴵ ᵘˢᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʳᵒᵐᵃⁿᵗⁱᶜᵃˡˡʸ ᵇᵘᵗ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵍⁱᵛᵉⁿ ᵘᵖ ᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶠᵒʳ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈˢʰⁱᵖ⁻ ᵗʰᵉʸ'ʳᵉ ᵈʸⁱⁿᵍ
ᴸᴼ⁻ ᴵⁿᵗᵉʳᵉˢᵗⁱⁿᵍ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᴵ ᶜᵒᵘⁿᵗ ᵃˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵘⁿᶜᵒᵐᶠʸ ᶠʳⁱᵉⁿᵈ

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Truth be told I keep thinking it was a bad idea to break up with them. But we both needed it. I lost feelings, and they didn't deserve to be with me if I didn't feel 🤬. It hurts because it means I'm going to lose friends who were friends with me because we were close but I can't. What's even worse is that I don't regret it all too much. I'm glad I finally respected my own boundaries and in return they hate me.
On top of that the person flirting with me keeps doing it in front of them. They're still my friend. And I don't want to hurt them. It hurts to see them hurt but at the same time I know it'll be like this. I don't know why we dated in the first place this second time around- I don't/didn't even feel anything this time. And I felt terrible for it. I still do. The first time we dated was heaven but this time I didn't even want to kiss them because I knew I wouldn't mean it.

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Imagine being triggered by porn. haha. couldn't be me.

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They're being dumb. They're being dumb and I'm alone.
I'm always alone.

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They keep ignoring me. Both of them. I'm being left behind once again.

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"I won't let go of your hand" /lyr
Two Birds On A Wire; Regina Spektor

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being left behind isn't fun
especially when this person is one of the only ones that makes you feel alive. Makes you feel there.

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my team abandoned me in my class :D
I want to entirely fuck up and make them look bad but I need good grades -_-
I'm so fucking done with these people- we have a fairly easy assignment and they leave me to do the work while they play games and write star trek fanfics

It's
so
dumb.

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the pretty lady's back for our class but I can't tell her I remember her because she's absolutely fucking cute because I know she'll pull the whole "you know I have a boyfriend" thing or be uncomfy-
it's the stupidest thing but it genuinely upsets me that I can't tell her she's pretty-

On top of that I only remember a few things about her since last time and my friend's over here making me feel dumb spouting all the facts about her qwq

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there's a reason I ignore these two "friends"
It gets so tiring being treated like shit because they think it's funny to pick on the trans kid with ptsd.

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it's fucking freezing outside rn

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I'm alone at lunch again. Of course. you know sometimes I wish I'd just ditch them all and leave because it gets so tiring of being left alone day after day after day

probably just going to head over to the library. be alone inside instead of out.

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Make a wish.

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they're amazing... which is why I won't ever get them.

I'm too much. I'm a mess. They already pity me, and I don't want to add on to it.

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I feel dumb.

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it feels like everything's going down the wrong road and it hurts. soon enough they won't even be there anymore, will they?

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every thought matches with this and I can feel myself spiralling but the music's good, and the feeling that I can let myself go is even better. sometimes I wonder what would happen if I let myself be completely free.

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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just friends..
always just friends.

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I'm starting to develop a headache
I feel sick
I'm tired
I just wish school was over already.

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gonna throw up :/

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What I want to do is pull them close, hold them tight and explain to them why I fight so hard to not be seen as a bottom-
how the hell am I supposed to explain that I've been through so much trauma and been neglected by the only consensual top that now I fear I'll be left behind-
I can't.
Not without exposing myself to pity and scorn.

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I wonder what it's like to be on the streets. I'll probably know soon enough.

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I really did get my hopes up for nothing. I brought them down continuously and let my mind wander free when I thought I had a chance and it turns out I didn't. It was just going to be the same thing again. That's all that's happening. It happened with K and now it's happening with Z. I fell for someone. Found someone that makes me happy, makes me feel heard... and yet they will always get them. S will always get who they want, always find a way to hurt me, purposely or not. I should've just stayed like everyone wanted. This wouldn't be a problem if I'd just stayed with S. Instead I had to go and set boundaries and now I'm suffering for it. It hurts. I couldn't even work up the courage to say anything.
Congrats.
Good job.
I'm glad you found someone who made you happy.
Anything. I should've just told them and respected my heart instead I was stupid and now I've lost them.

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I'm so fucking clueless I should've known they didn't like me. I'm only a friend. That's all it ever is. Either they're toxic or they don't like me. S & K were the one exception until K changed that and left, S left, and S and I got back together. It was terrible. I couldn't... I had to leave. And now I'm just gonna keep losing things i like, aren't I?

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"And if you don't love me now, you'll never love me again" The Chain; Fleetwood Mac

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"They keep me thinking that we almost had it all." Rolling in the Deep; Adele

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I don't care that they're young, they're dumb. Who the fuck- So naive. Worried about fitting in. The more you try to fit in the more it hurts. I wish they would stop trying so hard and just be themself.

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I love how my only comfort is walking around with the only friend that matches my intelligence and talking about the dumbest things

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I love how people just assume I know every anime because I have an interest in like 4. /s

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I think that kid's teacher had some type of justification for what they did. But can I say that? No. Because then I get treated like shit. Again.

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Just a selfish bitch, aren't I?

Couldn't be more right. I'm dumb. Selfish. Rude.

Guess I deserve all of this after all.

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If I hear one more "ur mom" joke istfg-

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We're talking about porn in class (Health)... What I really wanna do is tell the teacher I already know about this shit. And I never got addicted. I was forced to watch it for about a year- never got addicted. I fucking hate it now. But I can't say that. Can't tell people shit. Never can go "Hey and by the way I don't want to do this in class because it triggers my ptsd"

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It's not fair. It's. Not. Fair.
What the hell did I do to deserve that shit?
No talk about this stuff should be this...relatable. I don't want to think about it. I want to up and leave the class. But if I do that, they know. I get picked on. I get fucking treated like shit because life fucked me up and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

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Music to dissociate to.

I don't want to do this talk in health. I don't want to hear about how boundaries are important, no means no, and all you have to do is establish that because it NEVER works that way. They always push. They always take what they want. You're theirs to ruin. And as long as you fight you only make it worse on yourself it's killing me I don't want to talk about this i wouldn't know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship all of mine have been shit and it's not stopping it's not stoppoing i deal with gaslighting sexual jerks who decide my body is more important than my heart my words I don't want to do this i want lto leave the class and find somewhere else to be anywhere else I'm s/hing it's not okay i want to run I need to leave but if i leave i'm weak and they'll know they'll know and i'll be hurt all over agauin.

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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Experience - Ludovico Einaudi & Daniel Hope

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rigor mortis.

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we're finally out of class. i don't want to talk about that stuff ever again. not at the risk of me going back into another breakdown and ripping at my skin again.

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cried. hard.

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I know they're not playing with my heart but that's what it feels like...because they're going down the same path K went down.

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I genuinely thought they died so thank fuck they didn't

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Sometimes I wish I was an arrogant oblivious cishet so I wouldn't feel so bad about everything

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They say they like me but it's... not very believable. Not only that, I don't want to replicate the whole thing that happened previously with S & K. Especially since S and I broke up. Not happening.

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Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to miss him.

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"We'd even use the cow-milkers-" Gary Allen Eakin, June 2021

Fuck him. Fuck fuck fuck the dysphoria he gave me, fuck him and his misogynistic ass, his dumb "you'll always be *deadname* to me", his fucking demeanor of "I want your body"
Fuck.

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pain.

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School's almost over which means that soon enough I'll be home. Isolated. Stuck with my family. For a fucking week and then some. Fuck.

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This man is my gender envy (Remus Sanders (but in a skirt))

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REMUS IN A SKIRT REMUS IN A SKIRT REMUS IN A SKIRRRTTTT.PNG

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I wonder what it's like to not wake up to yelling and being told you're nothing but a nuisance that no one wants around.

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I wanna look like my mental image so bad-
Fucking punk rock clown aesthetic bitch.

Unrelated- It's been at least 3-4 hours- she still hasn't gotten home. It doesn't take this long. I don't know whether to be pissed, worried, or both.

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Today's been interesting lmao

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I think this hair color and style looks like shit and I don't know how people can say they like it :/

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BROSKI-
I should've said this already but I'm with S and Z now and I feel complete gods they're amazing and I love them and I feel more complete...

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We have an open mic night tomorrow for the school- Only $3. I want to go... maybe perform. But I'm worried- I don't want to perform in the acting sense- It would be fun, but I'm thinking of singing, possibly. Egg cover of Heather.
I'm so insecure and worried about it, though, and part of me would rather not even show up even if it would be fun.

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This is the song I want to do- every other time I've done a song to perform for public (on my own, not for choir) it's always been upbeat and no one ever seems to hear me and I seem to always feel like shit. This song, though- it's amazing. And in my range. And I feel it could be great if I tried.

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I'm so tired of being left behind.

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I've started feeling sick and hurt out of nowhere. It hurts. My head is burning and breaking and I don't know where my breath is. Nausea like an ocean. I can't get myself to focus anymore.
I need to sleep but I don't want to fuck up my makeup. No reason to make S and Z think I can't take a little pain. No need to make them think I'm not good looking enough.

Gods I want to pass out.

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Are you as aware of me as I am of you?

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It's hard to breathe, but that's alright. /lyr
Cradles, Sub Urban

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I hate that stuff like this happens. And what's worse is she said "I love you" so now I feel even worse for feeling upset. Why can't I just be normal?

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I can't even do the thing tonight, either. Fuck.

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are they going to leave?

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It feels like they're going to leave and it's the worse feeling not being able to do anything to prevent the same thing as last time from happening again I'm going to lose them and it's my fault, isn't it- it's all my fault I should be sexier I should be more open more easygoing what's wrong with me why can't I just be everyone's ideal bitch?

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24 days.
29 days.
30 days.

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I. Am. So. Tired.

It's so tiring dealing with people why the fuck can't you understand how fucking amazing you are why the fuck do you get mad at me for- gods I wish I didn't care I wish I could just disappear- it's not like anyone would notice, it's online, they'll assumed I left or some shit and then I can live irl without the fears of some online friend fucking hating me over the fact that they can't accept I don't help people out of pity. I just want to help. People can be so goddamn stupid.
I AM NOT JUST HELPING YOU BECAUSE I'M "JUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD FRIEND" GODDAMMIT I'M DOING IT BECAUSE I CARE- I COULD CARE LESS IF YOU SEE ME AS A GOOD FRIEND AS LONG AS I'M MAKING SURE YOU AREN'T FUCKING KILLING YOURSELF OR SOMETHING DUMB LIKE THAT

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even fucking worse I had to lie to the fucking social worker yesterday when she came over.

"Have you or anyone you know ever experienced sexual abuse/assault?"

I told her no.

I should've just told the truth.

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I'm not even half as pretty. /lyr Heather, Conan Gray

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why the fuck are they so hot?
I should not be allowed to be flustered this badly.

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damn.

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fuckfuckfuck what if they killed themselves what if they're dead shit sht shit i need help i need to get someone i feel helpless did they kill themselves what's going on

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please don't be dead PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD DON'T BE FUCKING DEAD DON'T DO THIS

I CAN'T STAND ANOTHER ONE DYING DON'T DO IT YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR IDC IF IT'S ELFISH DO IT FOR ME FOR US FOR Z FOR REBEL DISMISS THE HATERS RULES THE WORLD JUST DON'T FUCKING KILL YOURSLEF

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never let this happen again.

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I'm so tired.

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I hate how my friend is complaining about how hungry he is when he eats 24/7 and I haven't had food for over a day now.
"I'm on the verge of death" my ass.

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It's almost scary how easy it's getting to throw it all up now.

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I'm so tired of pretending.

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GOD
FUCKING
DAMMIT
DAVE

My backpack zipper broke and I got a new one after 30 minutes of hauling it around like a fucking child and this one is so much worse goddammit- On top of that my mom was in a bad mood so now I (and siblings) are grounded until fucking January.
This day is off to a shitty start: Dumb parent, dumb backpack, and being left behind by Z.

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22 days.
27 days.
28 days.

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Everything's going to shit again.

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I'm lying. I won't even answer because I know I won't do it. Been going on 2 days now. Soon enough I won't even feel hungry anymore. I'll be perfect soon.

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http://fataltotheflesh.com/

Do this instead of doing it on yourself.

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fatal to the flesh .com by rafaël rozendaal, 2004, collection of miltos manetas

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FATAL TO THE FLESH .COM BY RAFAEL ROZENDAAL - 2004 - WWW.NEWRAFAEL.COM, COLLECTION OF MILTOS MANETAS - WWW.MANETASCOLLECTION.COM, CODE BY REINIER FEIJEN - WWW.BOXOFCHOCOLATES.NL

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The only reason I'm so calm is because I'm doing the same thing. I want to be a skinny boy. No way to do that eating food constantly.

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GODFUCKINGDAMMIT!!! I had lemonade in my backpack and it spilled all over it! Now I'm messy and sticky, my backpack's fucking soaking and I have almost no lemonade COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE

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No one is ever respectful. Everyone is always the same- I either get pushed around or treated like shit and there is almost never respect. The last time I felt respected was way back in 7th grade when I was with Gavin. God, he was amazing. Sure, he might've been a dick near the end but it was amazing while it lasted.
It's years later and no one gives a fuck anymore. "She" "her" "Kai, Deadname"- Gods I'm not a girl! I AM NOT A GIRL! I AM A FUCKING BOY I AM A FUCKING GUY I AM A HE A THEY AN IT A ROT GODS RESPECT THAT

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Both of them haven't spoken to me since earlier this morning. It's been over 2 hours. They could text, or email-
I know I'm overthinking but I can't help thinking that Z is going to leave and take S with him.
Fuck.
I love them.
I want to be their perfect bitch or whatever I don't want to lose them-
I promise I can lose weight. I promise I can be less awkward. I promise I can be more sexual.
Just please don't leave.

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I just feel so alone right now and I can't stand it. I don't know if they care but I need them. I need my friends, I need my family, I need my partners. I just need people. I need time to think, breathe, find a way to clear my head because I don't know. I don't know how to feel, I don't know if I'm loved- I wish I could just break through all this pain and suffering and shit and just see the outcome. Where the hell will S be when I'm in the hospital? Why do I think Z cares? Why is my brain so hellbent on overthinking and worrying why can't it all just

s t o p .

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God I hate how up and down this all is-
What if they really only "love" me out of pity?

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The affection feels great but is it fake? Am I needy? Would he think I'm dumb to ask that we just be affectionate like that for a moment or would he just fucking walk off? Does he think I'm doing this for attention? Will he leave if I can't chin up? Does he know I haven't been eating the last few days or did he just do that out of kindness?

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Gods, I'm an asshole, aren't I? Does he think he's the only reason I'm upset? What is going on?

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If my stomach does the thing it did yesterday Istfg-

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21 days.
26 days.
27 days.

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I love how my trauma pops up in my stories and no one will ever know nor care.

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I fucking wrote this entire story and saved it and somehow none of it is there and now I have to rewrite that whole-ass piece about part of my trauma-
Which includes reliving the 15 minutes of breakdowns as I remember the fucking fact that Miguel starved me because me being skin and bones WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM.

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Wrote a short story about some trauma.
Got broken up with.
Got grounded until June.
The hell else is going to fuck up?

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20 days.
25 days.
26 days.

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Stuff I need to get off my chest because it's important and it summarizes the last few weeks or whatever:
Z and I broke up- Now it's just S and I and S is ace...I'm not. That sounds like a little problem and it is, but it's still something to find something that works for both of us.
I'm grounded until fucking August because my brother, L, can't keep his mouth shut.
My sister is a dick.
I think I might have a crush on a friend but I can't tell.
I hate people.

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19 days.
24 days.
25 days.

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Story thing because I'm bored, why not, who cares, better than nothing ig.

-

My hands trembled and I debated just leaving. She’d never know. No one would ever know, and I could go on living my life peacefully, pretending I wasn’t trying to hide from everything that surrounded me. But as I stared down at the phone longer, I knew it wasn’t right.

My sister hadn’t moved 100 miles away for nothing.

I needed the truth.

Now.

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F u <3