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My cousins and I in 2011 swapping what we perceived the other gender to look and act like. 

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Looking back on these photos after taking this class has made me look at it much differently. I used to think it was just me and my cousins being silly but now I see how at such a young age, being around 7 years old, we had clear distinctions on what gender roles were expected from us by society. Judith Lorber in “The Social Reconstruction of Gender” discusses how ingrained gender is within society and our life that it has caused confusion between gender and sex (54-55). The construction of gender begins from birth and then growing up, how one behaves becomes shaped by society’s norms (Lorber 55). This can explain why my cousin and I saw what meant being a boy as being strong and masculine. We even put our hair up since boys usually have short hair. Then my other cousins perceived what it means to be a girl by trying to pose more delicately or looking more sensitive while wearing accessories like earrings and bows to show femininity.

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 My uncle showing my cousin and I how to strut like a model (also around 2011).

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I grew up with my uncle who is gay and because of that same-sex relationships were never something that I was shocked to find out about but at the same time growing up with media like Disney shows where every couple was straight showed me what the norm was. Jonathan Katz in "The Invention of Heterosexuality" states that the population has been divided into two, where one side is seen as good and straight while the other is deviant and sick (159). After becoming more aware of sexuality, labels, and then how my uncle was treated by family I began to see this divide and the stigma. I remember many times how some members of my family would use the fact that he is gay and make it the butt of the joke. It wasn’t only towards him. They would also talk behind my other queer cousins’ backs about their sexuality. Once I overheard how they said my cousin’s son will not be raised properly because he has 2 moms. I would really begin listening into these talks after figuring out my own sexuality because I wanted to know how they really felt.

The past year I have realized that I have quite a few members of my family who are queer and all of which are older than me. Even though we rarely talk about it or at all I love seeing how some of my cousins and especially my uncle are unapologetically themselves no matter how much some people may disapprove.

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A picture of me and my friends, who are also queer, in our highschool prom senior year. 

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In highschool I was coming to terms with my sexuality and it was mostly during the midst of the pandemic so I felt I had no one to talk to about it which was hard. In my senior year, when we went back in person, two friends I had known since elementary and always hung out with during lunch also revealed that they were queer. It wasn’t until towards the end of the year, after prom, when we really started talking about it and became much closer. In the car ride after prom we started talking about things we never talked about with anyone else like girls we had liked and how we found out we liked them. With them I felt like I could really be myself which I hadn’t really felt before. Additionally, I thought I had changed so much in such a short amount of time because that last year there were also the friends I used to talk about celebrity crushes I had on guys a lot during the first two years of highschool but after losing interest I still pretended like I was “straight” because I thought it would make it easier to still connect with them. I am just glad I had friends where I didn’t have to pretend but I know that I also could have been more open to my friends who weren’t queer.

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Some art prints I have on my wall representing sapphic couples.

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I love having art and posters on my wall to personalize my living area. Buying art is a way I can support artists that I like. Specifically, one of the artists I follow is also Filipino and a lesbian and a lot of her art shows those two identities together. The drawing on the bottom right is one of them. Although I worry about having it on the wall the most when people, mostly my parents, go to my room because I feel like it is too obvious since both of the women drawn are pretty feminine presenting. So when my parents visit my apartment I take it off my wall and when I was home I still wanted it up but I put it upside down. I am not out to them. Suzanne Pharr in “Homophobia as a Weapon of Sexism” talks about how being a lesbian or just being called one subjects them to being vulnerable to many losses due to homophobia and one included family (637-638). I do fear this loss a lot because one of my parents has very clear views on sexuality that sometimes influences my other parent. He loves and supports me a lot but I sometimes wonder how that would change if he knew.

(the artists’ Instagram handles: @days_e, @eunnieboo, @pandesaii)

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A picture of our mascot Norm the Orange waving around pride flags.

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Today I am more confident in my sexuality compared to how I was in highschool but I still have not given much thought to my gender identity. I do think I am mostly comfortable with the way I am now though. Going to a college away from people from home made it a lot easier to just be myself and I also like going to a lot of the queer events they have here like the coming out dance and the drag shows. I took this picture of Norm when he randomly showed up at one of these events. I have also met a lot of other queer people here who are really nice and dress really cool. I have learned a lot of new things from them too and their experiences. Like how a couple have said they are out to their parents about their sexuality but not their gender because they feel like it would be harder. Moreover, the feeling of community here is one of the big reasons why I love being in UCR.