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https://elara.care/culture/toxic-femininity-what-is-it-and-how-can-we-start-uprooting-it/

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culture

When researching the topic it became evident that there are multiple interpretations of the term, some of which can be harmful and promote negative female stereotypes such as the idea that women are naturally gossips or 'bitchy'.

The term toxic femininity has received a lot of attention in recent years, with a subreddit boasting over 5000 responses to the question "what is toxic femininity"?.

When researching the topic it became evident that there are multiple interpretations of the term, some of which can be harmful and promote negative female stereotypes such as the idea that women are naturally gossips or 'bitchy'.

Hannah McCann, a University of Melbourne lecturer in cultural studies, argues that it's much more helpful to instead look at how "certain approaches to gender can be toxic", rather than some individual expressions or traits, because this allows us to see the bigger political picture".

But what does it actually mean? In this article we will be exploring how the term is impacting us when/how you should use the term.

What is toxic femininity?

Both our views about masculinity and our views about femininity are socially enforced. With that said, Toxic Femininity refers to a set of harmful female stereotypes that have come to be associated as the socially acceptable attributes of the female gender role.

Toxic femininity is the result of internalised misogyny and just as toxic masculinity can be harmful to all. Most women receive toxic femininity-based grooming from childhood. A typical example is telling girls that not knowing how to cook will make them undesirable to men and they will struggle to find a husband.

What toxic femininity is not

There is a distinction between toxic behaviour and toxic femininity. Be careful not to add gender to behaviours such as, "bitchy", "passive-aggressive", "fake" etc... as associating a gender with negative behaviours continues to build negative gender stereotypes.

Toxic femininity is not the same as sexism

It's important to note the difference between Toxic Femininity and Sexism, because they are not the same thing, even though they certainly work together.

Author -Dr Devon Price described it perfectly in his article " Toxic Femininity Holds All of Us Back". Read this carefully as it will help in picking up toxic femininity traits and chatter in your life.

Dr Price writes: "Sexism says that a woman is too frail or docile to play a contact sport; toxic femininity says that you don't want to play football anyway, sweetie, you would look horrible and sweaty in the helmet and pads. Sexism is focused on robbing women of status and rights; toxic femininity is about defining womanhood so shallowly that a woman feels de-gendered by basic human acts or neutral preferences. Both factors lead to women being compressed into impossibly tight, uncomfortable shapes."

Recognising toxic femininity behaviour around you

Toxic femininity is not always easy to spot because it's so ingrained in our way of life. When you start recognising you may recall receiving a lot of toxic-femininity-based advice as a child and teen.

We have listed some of the most common scenarios to help spot when we might inadvertently take part in to help you start recognising toxic femininity beliefs that might have been imparted upon you and those around you.

What are examples of toxic femininity?

Sit like a lady

A commonly recognisable one might be the saying "sit like a lady". If we do a quick google search for "sit like a lady" this is what we get:

Constantly working to fit a standard

Another example of toxic femininity is when a woman is forever working to be acceptable, to look the way ladies are "meant to look", and to behave in a manner that is ladylike. An example can even be seen when parents are quick to piece a baby girl's ears and add ornaments from the moment she is born.

Other examples include:

You need to have your nails done to look clean and polished

Body hair is unclean and you must shave or be prepared to get some disgusted looks

Wearing makeup makes you look better and well put together

Long hair makes you look more feminine and in order to have short hair you need to have striking features

Note - each person may have their own understanding of what the "rules" are depending on where and how you were

What is toxic femininity at work?

Toxic femininity at work it's when women are seen as ballbreakers, rude and aggressive if they do not conform with how a "good" woman should behave. Which is normally associated with quiet, submissive and nurturing.

I have heard and read toxic femininity in the workplace as being described as backstabbing and bitching however, we are forgetting that toxic femininity is when we associate specific actions as needed to be a "good" woman/female. We must be careful not to confuse "toxic femininity" with "toxic behaviour".

Is toxic femininity another form of bullying?

We have seen many articles describing toxic femininity, especially in the workplace as women being bullied by other women by either holding them down in their career or undermining them.

With over 70% of women feeling like they are being bullied by other women in the office, it's easy to blame this on the notion of "toxic femininity", however by doing so we can fall into the trap of amplifying negative stereotypes that have historically been associated with female traits instead of being recognised for what that are, toxic behaviour. Especially as jealousy is often cited as reasons why this might be happening.

The conversation around whether women should be supporting other women in the workplace is an important one but not one related to toxic femininity and if we confuse the two, we risk amplifying the notion that women are "bitchy", "jealous" "want to sabotage other women".

Remember, the topic is "toxic femininity" not toxic people. Confusing toxic behaviour with toxic femininity or masculinity, will continue to exacerbate gender stereotypes as "a non toxic woman is kind and supporting".

Be careful with to not mistake toxic behaviour with toxic femininity

In conclusion, if you find yourself groping for the right term to describe your awful manager, hold off from using the phrase "toxic femininity" and ask yourself if you're placing too much weight on her gender. It could be that she's just a bad boss, full stop - in which case, why not blame capitalism instead?

Remember, the topic is "toxic femininity" not toxic people.

Interesting articles for further reading on toxic femininity:

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Toxic Femininity - What is It and How Can We Start Uprooting It?

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culture When researching the topic it became evident that there are multiple interpretations of the term, some of which can be harmful and promote negative female stereotypes such as the idea that women are naturally gossips or 'bitchy'.

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https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-femininity#key-signs

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Perhaps you've come across the term "toxic masculinity" before. If so, you might know this concept describes the ways society's gender-based expectations for men can breed unhelpful characteristics and behaviors, including aggression, difficulty expressing emotions, and excessive self-reliance.

But psychologists and researchers have also started to consider a similar topic, "toxic femininity." In a nutshell, this term describes the potentially negative impact of society's standards for women.

It's not clear who first coined "toxic femininity." Various internet sources suggest the term first entered the mainstream public lexicon around 2018, when social psychologist Devon Price wrote a Medium post about it, and journalist, speaker, and educator Jane Gilmore published a piece on the topic in The Sydney Morning Herald.

The definition of the term can vary slightly, depending on the source. A common anti-feminist misconception suggests it means using "feminine" qualities to manipulate men. Yet most experts agree toxic femininity involves restricting your behavior to fit stereotypically feminine traits that men supposedly find pleasing.

Toxic femininity can affect your health and well-being in many ways by increasing stress levels, sabotaging your sense of identity, contributing to a feeling of powerlessness, and leading to unhealthy relationships, says Monica Vermani, PsyD, clinical psychologist and author of " A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas "

"Both toxic masculinity and femininity are unhealthy as they pressure individuals to fit a mold rather than strive to live and relate to others authentically, as their highest and best selves," she explains.

Here's how to identify toxic femininity and what to do about it when you recognize it.

Toxic femininity can describe any instance when women are either explicitly told to conform to traditional stereotypes or attempt to align with those stereotypes themselves, according to licensed therapist Meaghan Rice, PsyD, LPC.

Rice notes that while toxic femininity stems from society's rigid molds, individual people reinforce it all the time. It often happens as a subconscious effort to find value or feel accepted in a patriarchal society.

"At its core, it's an internalization of misogynistic values and power structures," adds Vermani, going on to explain that toxic femininity is based on the following stereotypically "feminine" traits:

passiveness, selflessness, and nurturance

compliance, submissiveness, or docility

cooperation

sensitivity

politeness

empathy and compassion

home and family-oriented values

To be clear, there's nothing at all wrong with having any of these traits. They only become toxic when you feel forced to express them, or you exaggerate them while suppressing your own needs, says Vermani.

Toxic femininity can show up in pretty much any environment:

at school

at home, with family or romantic partners

at work

in the media

online, including social media

among friends and in other social settings

Some real-world examples include:

A teacher who tells you to "act like a lady" when you show assertiveness.

A parent who continually pressures you to have children because "that's what women do."

An acquaintance who says you haven't found love because men find your confidence "intimidating."

A social media influencer who says "real women have curves."

A newspaper article criticizing a female celebrity for having hair on their legs and underarms.

A manager or colleague who not-so-subtly suggests you wear more makeup to the office.

Social media can contribute to toxic femininity, according to Rice, when women and feminine-presenting people get more likes, comments, and general engagement for content that supports gender roles and stereotypes.

"Toxic femininity is promoted in a surprising amount of the media we consume," adds Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, the owner and founder of Take Root Therapy. "Everything from female celebrities promoting dangerous dieting techniques to shows like 'The Bachelor,' where women compete for a man's affection, can further these ideals."

Some common signs of toxic femininity to pay attention to - in yourself or others - include:

Feeling you should always have a male partner, even if you don't particularly want a relationship. Rice notes this may stem from toxic femininity when you feel as if you're somehow incomplete without a male partner and need to depend on them for certain things.

Judgment or shame for not having children. Those who choose not to have children, or who experience fertility issues, should never be made to feel less like a woman, says Abby Dixon, MS, a licensed professional counselor and owner of The Joywell.

Sacrificing your health to fit societal expectations for women. Rice explains this can mean trying overly restrictive diets, investing in procedures that are risky or beyond your budget, or otherwise going to extreme lengths to meet society's beauty standards for women.

Putting men's needs and desires before your own. This could mean suppressing your own needs and feelings in order to accommodate a male partner, colleague, or family member, Vermani says. For example, you might agree to do something you don't want to do for a co-worker so you seem polite and easygoing.

Downplaying your capabilities. Pretending you don't know how to do something or aren't physically capable of something - especially in an effort to avoid emasculating a man - plays into perceived feminine weakness, says Vermani.

Avoiding confrontation with men. Since traditional gender norms dictate that women should be obedient and submissive, Lurie says toxic femininity can manifest as not challenging men when you disagree with them or when they do something that bothers you.

Judging other women or experiencing judgment from other women for not being "feminine" enough. Dismissing or belittling women who don't conform to societal expectations for their gender is a common sign of toxic femininity, according to Vermani.

"Toxic femininity supports a rigid, restrictive, repressive, and limiting definition of womanhood," says Vermani, who emphasizes that toxic femininity can harm people of any gender, just like toxic masculinity.

Some of the potential consequences include:

Physical health effects

According to Lurie, toxic femininity can affect physical health by promoting unrealistic beauty standards that may play a part in body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Toxic femininity can also factor into unrealistic expectations when it comes to nurturing romantic partners and children and keeping up with housework.

These expectations can create a lot of stress, especially when you have school or work obligations to keep up with, too. Vermani notes that many women may over-commit themselves in order to live up to expectations of being helpful, selfless, and nurturing.

"Toxic femininity can result in severe burnout from taking on the physical and emotional labor of those around you. Chronic stress can also contribute to serious health conditions, like ulcers, cancer, stroke, and heart disease."

When toxic femininity in the workplace contributes to bullying or harassment, you might also experience:

Mental and emotional effects

Strictly adhering to gender norms may leave you with a sense of powerlessness, Vermani adds. You might feel stuck, or trapped by your lack of agency over your own life.

If you start to equate your self-worth with your ability to find a partner, get married, or have children, Lurie explains, you may have a harder time feeling satisfied or fulfilled with your life as it stands.

Since toxic femininity means adhering to a predefined set of very limiting ideas about what femininity means, Lurie says it can also breed insecurity or even self-loathing when you stray from the mold.

As noted above, toxic femininity can also fuel workplace bullying, which can have a mental health impact, too. Research from 2016 links workplace bullying to:

Relationship effects

Toxic femininity can also affect your personal and professional relationships.

According to Vermani, toxic femininity can encourage unhelpful behaviors, including:

You might, as a result, experience power imbalances in romantic relationships or friendships. This dynamic can lead to:

As for its impact in the workplace?

A 2020 study suggests women in higher managerial positions are more likely to experience bullying from men in the same positions. Researchers theorized this may stem from sexist beliefs that women lack the ability to handle leadership positions. They also noted that women with stereotypically masculine traits also tend to experience more workplace harassment.

One 2018 study explored the potential negative effects of makeup on perceptions of leadership ability.

Researchers asked 168 male and female participants - who self-reported either Caucasian or African ethnicity - to look at photographs of women wearing the makeup they might wear for a social night out and judge their leadership capabilities. The participants looked at photos of women of both ethnicities.

According to the results, makeup can negatively affect how people of any gender asses your leadership capabilities - though it might certainly boost your advantages when it comes to finding a romantic partner.

And therein lies the paradox of toxic femininity: Society expects women to adhere to certain beauty standards in dating and social contexts, but these expectations can actually hinder them in professional settings.

These "standards" can cause plenty of distress, not to mention confusion about what's expected when. What's more, women may - with great reason - feel unfairly judged whether they choose to wear makeup or not.

Once you have a clearer understanding of toxic femininity, you may find yourself beginning to notice it in your everyday life.

Experts suggest a few ways to respond to this construct.

If you notice it in yourself

Consider where your beliefs came from. Rice says it can help to consider where you first picked up on notions of toxic femininity. Parents? Friends? The media? Identifying the source of these ideas can help you begin untangling them from your own true beliefs.

Question your motivations. Toxic femininity can be so ingrained that certain behaviors may feel automatic. That's why Lurie suggests getting curious about your actions. Do those choices truly represent what's best for you? Or do you believe you're expected to make them? Before agreeing to take on a task, you might consider whether you genuinely want to help - or simply feel you should.

Practice self-validation. "Women are often socialized and conditioned to minimize their experiences and discount their feelings to make men feel comfortable," says Vermani. So, make it a point to validate yourself. You might, for instance, reach for daily positive affirmations like, "It's natural to feel this way," "It's OK to feel angry," "I tried my best, and that's enough," or "My feelings matter."

Notice when and where you feel most authentic. Rice suggests noticing when you most feel the urge to conform to stereotypes and distancing yourself from those scenarios. Creating distance may involve setting boundaries with people who would rather pressure you to fit their expectations than celebrate your uniqueness.

Make space to explore. "Allow yourself to discover aspects of your identity that go against the norm, and honor those parts of yourself when they arise rather than reject them," says Lurie.

Be mindful of the media you consume. If you recognize that certain channels, publications, social media accounts, or other outlets promote toxic femininity, you might consider avoiding those as much as possible. Instead, Lurie recommends taking in inclusive media that challenge gender norms and represent the wide array of gender expressions that exist.

If you notice it in others

Approach the subject with curiosity and compassion. Making accusations can put the person on the defensive, so Dixon advises calling it out by asking a question. If your sister keeps commenting on the fact that her friend doesn't want kids, you might ask, "It seems like you have some strong feelings about that. Why do you think it bothers you?"

Ask if their actions are genuinely in their best interests. If you believe toxic femininity is affecting someone in your life, Lurie recommends asking whether their choices bring them joy and fulfill their needs. You could, for instance, ask a friend why they chose to leave a job or neglected to pursue a career.

Show them judgment-free love. Lurie suggests affirming and supporting any self-expression not colored by societal expectations. Remind them of everything you love and appreciate about them, especially the qualities that may not align with gender norms.

No matter how you decide to approach the topic, Rice emphasizes the importance of:

asking open-ended questions

practicing active listening

avoiding criticism so they feel emotionally safe and supported, since this can prompt a more honest and productive conversation

Keep in mind, too, that working with a therapist can have a lot of benefit, whether you're looking for:

help identifying and navigating the effects of toxic femininity on your own health and well-being

guidance bringing up difficult or uncomfortable questions with a loved one

support with exploring ways to shift your mindset

Here's how to find a therapist that's right for you.
Toxic femininity, to put it simply, describes behavior that reflects or supports gender-based stereotypes or social norms for women.

Exposure to these social norms and stereotypes typically begins at an early age, and this mindset isn't your fault. Still, taking steps to explore what drives these often-harmful thought patterns and behaviors can make a big difference for your overall well-being.

A therapist can offer more guidance with identifying and replacing unhelpful tendencies with alternatives that support your well-being. They can also help you practice embracing all aspects of yourself, including those that don't align with gender norms.
Rebecca Strong is a Boston-based freelance writer covering health and wellness, fitness, food, lifestyle, and beauty. Her work has also appeared in Insider, Bustle, StyleCaster, Eat This Not That, AskMen, and Elite Daily.

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Identifying and Overcoming Toxic Femininity

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Perhaps you've come across the term "toxic masculinity" before. If so, you might know this concept describes the ways society's gender-based expectations for men can breed unhelpful characteristics and behaviors, including aggression, difficulty expressing emotions, and excessive self-reliance. But psychologists and researchers have also started to consider a similar topic, "toxic femininity."

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https://mensgroup.com/toxic-femininity/

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If you are alive today, you have probably heard of the term 'toxic masculinity that has been trending for a while.' This is a common term used to describe dominant behavior, entitlement, aggression, catcalling, sexism, objectifying, and mansplaining behaviors displayed by some men that start as early as in high school. While a lot is drawn on men and their irritating behavior, not a lot is said about the reverse of toxic masculinity, toxic femininity.

A lot has been happening globally, from seminars to social media activism and protests, like the MeToo movement, about how women can end patriarchy and male toxicity. One word that is synonymous with the fight between gender roles and toxic masculinity is toxic femininity.

Experts describe toxic femininity as a term used to refer to gender-specific expectations for women that are supposed to keep them quiet, subservient, and submissive amid male aggression and domination. It is also a term that can be used by women to get privileges, and can also be used to mask indirect confrontation with gentleness.

Just as toxic masculinity and men's rights movements, toxic femininity or toxic feminism is the product of a patriarchal system or society.

Written by

Sean Galla

An experienced facilitator, community builder and Peer Support Specialist, Sean has been running men's groups for 10+ years.&nbspRead Sean's Full Author Bio.

Understanding Toxic Femininity

When people have conversations about femininity, they rarely touch on toxic femininity, mostly because most people do not view it as a problem. However, toxic femininity can be as damaging as toxic masculinity.

To address toxic femininity in the same way the world addresses toxic masculinity requires defining femininity based on societal expectations. Society expects women to meet their feminine role by dismissing male aggression, pushing them to submissive roles, and putting a lot of emphasis on appearance. This results in the development of mental health illness, the inability to pursue positions of power since it is seen as a man's thing, and the reinforcement of masculine beliefs in the next generation.

The result of toxic femininity can also be male hatred, trolling, over-sexualization, and undervaluation of one's self.

Male hatred can stem from the battle against a patriarchal society. To many feminists, this battle signifies their fights against men who commit crimes such as sexual assault against women.

Men characterize femininity as an intimidating, loud movement centered on attacking men even though femininity emerged as a fight for gender equality.

Traditional feminine qualities include compassion, nurturing, empathy, which can become toxic when used to undermine others. Toxic femininity was the product of decades of male dominance where women were not allowed to overpower or dominate men. This forced women to use subtle warfare to get their way as opposed to violence. Because of the inability to fight men's dominance in the past, women often viewed fellow women as competition for favorable positions.

This women vs. women mindset is present today evident in the way women target fellow women more than they do men. According to statistics, 58% of bullies are women, with their victims being fellow women at least 90% of the time.

Now more than ever, women continue to prove that they can do what men can do by bagging degrees and top jobs and even assuming positions of power. However, instead of bringing women together in a sisterly bond where they celebrate and encourage one another, achieving success can be a quick way for a woman to attract jealousy, mostly from fellow women.
On the other hand, if you're looking for a Toxic Masculinity Group, then follow mensgroup.com now.
Toxic Femininity at Work

Based on statistics, women are up to 21% more likely to report unfair treatment from fellow female co-workers. There has been a lot of conversations about making the workplace safe for women. However, the truth is that the work environment can be as harmful to men too because women can be aggressors.

In the workplace, women can attack men with no consequence since it is not exactly considered to be a form of harassment. This is mainly because women are seen as the weaker sex. For this reason, women get away with aggression because it is often covered under niceness.

Examples of Toxic Femininity

To identify toxic femininity, you need to know what to look out for to ensure they are not falling victim to toxic femininity guise as friendship or niceness by some women. The telltale signs include:

Slut-shaming and body-shaming - women who slut-shame or body shame others are toxic

Talking over other people and belittling others, especially fellow women

Making fun of another female to get the attention of a man.

Shaming men for being too soft or having feminine traits that do not live up to societal expectations of what a man is.

Passive aggression behavior can include patronizing behavior, fake niceties, and smiley faces after a harsh text.

Sabotaging and backstabbing behavior like lying for their benefit, offering misleading advice, manipulating situations, and mocking others for their decisions.

Resentment, jealousy, and bitterness towards others, especially fellow women, for their popularity, looks, and achievements

Negative competitiveness with other women through dominance or sexuality

On the other hand, if you're looking for a Fragile Masculinity, then follow mensgroup.com now.
How Traditional Femininity Contributes to Societal Patriarchal Norms

The traditional version of femininity shared amongst most females has in some way contributed to patriarchal norms like women objectification.

The body-positive part of the femininity movement was started by women who wanted to rewrite and redefine traditional beauty standards. However, most women still limit their value based on their physical appearance under the guise of being 'body positive.' This undermines their value and objectifies women in the process. Modern femininity emphasizes women of all body types to take part in sexual expression.

Modern femininity encourages women to express their value in other ways like flaunting their creative potential, academic degrees, intelligence, soft skills, and other strengths, which is seen to be more valuable than focusing on the physical aspects of a woman.

The movement against beauty standards has taken over a big part of the femininity movement by recognizing the transformative potential women possess by emphasizing strength, creativity, kindness, and intellect as much as society emphasizes sexuality.

Modern femininity should be about incorporating male equality in femininity. This includes encouraging men to get out and learn healthy emotional expression and ensuring fair representations in family courts. This will help fight toxic masculine traits while encouraging men to be more open to femininity without associating it with an attack on their masculinity and unfair societal roles for both genders.

Toxic Femininity and Race

To some extent, toxic femininity is the idea that a white woman is the face of femininity and that white women are the main victims of toxic femininity. This notion undermines the dangers women of color face as a result of internalized misogyny, patriarchy, and systemic racism.

The race issue in femininity is evident in how society views issues affecting white women and women of color. Society has often proven that the misogyny, discrimination, and dangers women face are only highlighted when the victim is a white woman.

Stereotypes also play a big role in terms of the extent to which women of color can express their feminist stand. The actions of women of color and even black men when expressing passion for what they believe in are quickly associated with aggression and often dismissed as 'the angry black woman or man.' These stereotypes make it easy for society to discredit the ideas of women of color.

On the other hand, stereotypes paint Asian women as subservient and submissive. For this reason, their ideas and words are hardly taken seriously when they choose to speak up against social exclusion since patriarchy has taught society to dismiss women's opinions.

These layers of oppression often work against the ability of women of color to lead the femininity movement. They are left to blend in the background of the feminist movement as progress continues to shift to white women.

The Feminist Movement

The feminist movement can be broken down into three waves. The first one took place in the early 20th century where women pushed for political equality. The second wave took place in the 1960s and 1970s where young women pushed for professional, legal equality and women's rights. The third wave of the feminist movement has taken shape in the last few decades, pushing for social equality and social justice for women.

While political and legal equality is clearly defined, social equality is seen as complicated. The currency wave of the contemporary femininity movement consists of women who call out unconscious biases and cultural norms that put women at a disadvantage.

Because of the different waves of femininity movement from different eras, sexual violence has halved in the last few decades, domestic violence has dropped, and women surpass men in the workforce while earning more than 50% of all degrees. These changes have taken place since the second-wave femininity movement in the 70s, even though women still face harassment and stereotypes in different industries.

One way the modern femininity movement can fight the harassment and stereotypes in these industries is by actually being there as opposed to sending retweets from the comfort of their location.

Eradicating Toxic Femininity

The same way movements are formed to fight toxic muscularity is the same way women and men should come together to fight toxic feminism.

An important part of femininity is revealing the power and potential women hold without having to use aggression or oppression to be heard or seen. Femininity brings together women through their shared experiences of sexual harassment, misogyny, and sexism. It is important to consider intersectionality to eradicate toxic white femininity that fails to consider the oppression faced by women of color every day.

Gender equality can only exist when men and women agree that toxic femininity exists like toxic masculinity and come together to bring positive change.

Information about Men's Group

Men's Group is a self-improvement community for guys dealing with different issues. It is an online group where men can meet during the pandemic. We create and facilitate conversations between guys who are interested in personal growth, including conversations about toxic femininity and how it affects men.

Through our thriving forums, drop-in groups, and online men's groups, we create discussions and friendships that help guys grow around topics like femininity, toxic femininity, toxic masculinity, and masculinity in general. Men in our community enjoy social time with the guys as well.

*Sources: 1.'Toxic Femininity' Isn't What You Think It Is 2.What is toxic femininity and why it's the biggest threat to womanhood, here's all you need to know 3.THEORIZING TOXIC FEMININITY: THE RIGID FEMININITIES THAT KEEP US LOCKED IN 4.Women vs Women: 'Toxic femininity' is Real, And it's Time to Talk About it 5.We Need To Talk About Toxic Femininity At Work

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Toxic Femininity: Understanding Toxic Femininity And How It Affects Men

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If you are alive today, you have probably heard of the term 'toxic masculinity that has been trending for a while.' This is a common term used to describe dominant behavior, entitlement, aggression, catcalling, sexism, objectifying, and mansplaining behaviors displayed by some men that start as early as in high school.

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- 58% of bullies are women, with their victims being fellow women at least 90% of the time (women and women)
- Up to 21% more likely to report unfair treatment from fellow female co-workers. (Toxic feminity at work)

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https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/how-toxic-femininity-is-damaging-us-20180517-p4zfvt.html

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Toxic masculinity is a topic that gets a lot of space in feminist debate. But the corollary of toxic femininity rarely gets a mention, despite how necessary it is to interrogate the gender roles that damage all of us.

The term is often misunderstood to mean that masculinity itself (and therefore all men) are toxic. What it's actually describing is the damage caused by the limitations traditional expectations of manhood impose on men. Toxic masculinity says the only allowable emotions for men are rage, lust and dominance. Despite the requirement of strength, men are also seen as helpless when they are in the grip of those emotions.

Toxic femininity says that women are responsible for inciting anger and lust in men and are therefore to blame for anything men do to them. Credit:Shutterstock

Violence ascribed to male rage or lust is expected. Men who have feelings of fear, vulnerability or weakness must supress them but if they are overwhelmed by those feelings they are objects of sympathy even when they commit horrific crimes. We saw this play out in the Good Bloke narrative after the Margaret River massacre.

If Peter Miles had been a stranger who appeared on that property in Margaret River and killed two women and four children he would have been a monster. If he'd been a Muslim he'd have been a terrorist and there would have been no mercy for him in the commentary about his crime. But he was related to the women and children he killed, so he had dominance and ownership of them. He's not a monster or a terrorist, he's a Good Bloke who "just snapped" and he became an object of sympathy.

The Good Bloke perception of Peter Miles is only possible when toxic femininity renders the women and children he killed invisible and dehumanised. Toxic femininity is sweet and placatory, it never demands or defends, it has no strength and can only submit without protest or defiance. Women become possessions, owned by the dominant male in their life, either their father or their husband. This concept is central to patriarchy, it has traditions that go back thousands of years. Fathers give their daughters to husbands, women change their name to indicate a change of ownership and husbands then take on the role of provider, protector and owner.

Women in all of this have no agency, no ability to exist as a person in their own right. They are defined by their relationship to a man and their ability to produce and care for his children. Again, we saw this in the coverage of the Margaret River shootings. Cynda and Katrina Miles, the four children, Taye, 13, Rylan, 12, Arye, 10, and Kadyn, 8 were not given the same treatment as the man who murdered them. They were people, fully formed and complex. They had communities and family and friends who loved them. They had lives to live and futures to explore but very little of this was recognised in the wake of the shooting. All the concentration was on Peter Miles, the Good Bloke who was so well respected and liked, and the children's grieving father, Aaron Cockman. Peter Miles and Aaron Cockman were humanised. Cynda and Katrina were invisible, passive and silent. They were defined only by their relationship to the men who became news.

This is just one of hundreds of examples of the way toxic gender roles underpin all the reporting of men's violence against women. Violent men are given excuses and even sympathy. They are lovesick, jealous, in need of comfort and therefore their crimes against women and children are excusable or at least understandable.

Toxic masculinity says that men are full of anger and lust and cannot be blamed for what it makes them do. Toxic femininity says that women are responsible for inciting anger and lust in men and are therefore to blame for anything men do to them.

If women are "good", if they are quiet, submissive, placatory, undemanding and nurturing, they will not get themselves into trouble with violent men. Toxic femininity turns women into objects and punishes women who refuse to conform in the same way that toxic masculinity punishes men who step outside their assigned roles.

"Weak" men become pussies. Empathy, compassion, vulnerability, gentleness are effeminate and therefore threatening to the ideal of the stoic Real Man. Such men are objects of derision and even violence. Toxic men prove their manhood by scorning the men and boys who will not or cannot conform to their ideals.

Equally, strong women who express desire, opinions, agency and ambition beyond their role in the lives of men are also punished. They are harpies, ballbreakers, sluts and probably crazy. Both men and women who have internalised toxic gender roles will scorn them for their refusal to conform.

These toxic gender roles are insidious and omnipresent. And they are utterly dependent on each other, neither can exist in isolation. The only way to end one of them is to tear them both down. We need to see them, talk about them, push back on the implicit and explicit expressions of toxic gender roles and most importantly of all, make sure we show our children how damaging they are to all of us.
Jane Gilmore will appear on The Drum ABCTV on Thursday, May 17 at 5.12pm to talk further on this topic.

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Normal text size Larger text size Very large text size Toxic masculinity is a topic that gets a lot of space in feminist debate. But the corollary of toxic femininity rarely gets a mention, despite how necessary it is to interrogate the gender roles that damage all of us.

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Toxic femininity is often understood as the gender norms expected of women, which require them to be gentle, quiet, and submit to dominance and aggressive attitudes in men. Toxic femininity can also be understood as an overly binding and authoritarian approach to femininity in society.

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https://www.forbes.com/sites/drnancydoyle/2021/07/13/we-need-to-talk-about-toxic-femininity-at-work/?sh=1f8326e92769

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We Need To Talk About Toxic Femininity At Work

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What I want to talk about today is how any overplayed trait can be toxic, and that rescuing and victimhood in management is just as dysfunctional as persecution in a workplace.

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https://bettyannheggie.com/blog/gender-physics/3-tips-for-overcoming-toxic-femininity/

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There has been a lot of talk lately about toxic masculinity, that domineering bullying behaviour void of empathy or concern for others, which is exhibited by some (but not all) men. Now the focus is turning to women. People are starting to realize that if masculinity can be dialed up to the extreme and become toxic, it is likely to happen to femininity as well. They are questioning what toxic femininity looks like, how it is created and what can be done. Some women are holding up a mirror to see if they are unwittingly a victim...

Let's consider how it happens- the insidious patriarchy divides people into one of two groups. They are born, labelled blue or pink and the blues are immediately considered more valuable, securing a superior position on the hierarchy. Blue people are not only allowed to develop a strong individual identity they are encouraged to do so. Meanwhile the pink people are expected to be selfless, putting the needs of the blue above their own. It sounds like something out of the 'Hunger Games' movie, yet we live it every day.

In the book, Why Does the Patriarchy Exist author Carol Gilligan says, "patriarchy harms both men and women by forcing men to act as if they don't have or need relationships and women to act as if they don't have or need a self". She then describes how men end up suffering from emotional detachment while women become compulsive caregivers. Gilligan also discusses how these codes are culturally sanctioned in our society with consequences when we don't comply. Men feel anger and shame when their autonomy is threatened or vulnerability exposed while women feel guilty when they put the needs of others ahead of their own.

Such conditions lead to toxic gendered behaviour. The daily interactions between Trump and Pelosi provide entertaining examples of toxic masculinity. Trump is enraged that Pelosi is not treating him with the respect he believes he deserves. She isn't abiding the patriarchal system by being selfless and serving his needs. In fact, Pelosi is making no attempt to hide her disdain for him and he can't abide a woman with authority. He is used to women taking care of him and each day on the news we see him throwing a temper tantrum when that doesn't happen.

Pelosi is an empowered woman, the antithesis of those afflicted with toxic femininity. A sad example is Liza Minnelli who, when married to David Gest, was only allowed to eat 900 calories a day based on his edict. He hit her hand away if she reached for food, demanding she spend copious amounts of time practicing and performing. He promised to make the aging star as famous as when she was performing Cabaret and she totally turned herself over to him. Gest didn't deliver the publicity for her singing though, it came instead as sordid stories in the divorce courts and she was devastated.

Unfortunately, many women who find themselves at the bottom of the pyramid-shaped patriarchy fold themselves into men. They never find their voice or step forward into their power. Instead, they acquiesce to those deemed more powerful, making the man's identity their own and taking on all his opinions. Each day they wake up and work hard to make their man's wishes come true, without consideration for what they want for themselves. These women believe that men determine their value. They become dependent and sit helplessly by waiting for a man to rescue them from even the tiniest issue. Some even have sex with men they aren't attracted to because they feel guilty turning them down.

Why would the patriarchy, which harms both men and women, continue to exist? Partly it's because demolition threatens those with power and such people fight hard to maintain it. Another reason is that those without power perpetuate it because they feel protected -they are fearful for what life would be like without it. Gillian argues that women give up their voice in order to be accepted and have relationships. Paradoxically, in giving up their voice they also give up their ability to connect authentically, the basis of a good relationship.

We all live within the confines of the patriarchal culture so it's natural that when women hold up the mirror they will see that they are influenced by it. Some more than others. Yet, there are things that every woman can do to step outside her conditioning and escape the clutches of toxic femininity:
1) Practice Independence- Learn to identify your own needs and ambitions, and make decisions based on your own well-being and self-interest instead of disappearing into the wishes of others.
2) Practice Making Declarative Statements- Notice how most men are not overly concerned about the impact of their needs and/or desires on others? Follow their lead and assertively express your opinion.
3) Practice Driving the Agenda- Think about the result you want to achieve, take control and exert authority. This may be uncomfortable at first because you have been conditioned to avoid conflict, but the more you rely on yourself, the easier it will be to take control and exert authority.

By consciously practicing these three things daily we will start the baby step process of exorcising ourselves from a system which promotes the superiority of men over women. It will help us find our voice and establish our identity. While our conditioning makes this more difficult for women, it is crucial. Your voice is central to having rights and living your own life. Women who know their opinion and state it openly feel good about what they see when they hold up the mirror. Change will come when the silence of toxic femininity is broken and we can start that process today.

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3 Tips for Overcoming Toxic Femininity - Betty-Ann Heggie

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There has been a lot of talk lately about toxic masculinity, that domineering bullying behaviour void of empathy or concern for others, which is exhibited by some (but not all) men. Now the focus is turning to women. People are starting to realize that if masculinity can be dialed up to the extreme and become ...

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- Creating prejudices, limit women’s ability (women have less chance to reach a successful level in many fields, putting lots of burdens on women role in families,…)
- Affects women well-being
- Affects future generation by damaging the real values of women

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- Spreading awareness
- Speak up about this problem
- Educate children (how to identify toxic femininity and how can they avoid it)

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On the occasion of March 8, last year, Trac Thuy Mieu caused a controversy when she asked: "What do women do if they don't do housework?".  When a woman enters the kitchen, she should be "happy", "as happy as a peach tree singing and being given cotton", because the kitchen is "a woman's privilege".  "Whoever does not understand that joy has no right to argue."

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https://theswaddle.com/the-internet-wants-to-talk-about-toxic-femininity-but-gets-it-all-wrong/

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The Internet Wants to Talk About ‘Toxic Femininity,’ but Gets It All Wrong

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Amber Heard and Jada Pinkett Smith have been named test cases to talk about a phenomenon that doesn’t exist — because it isn’t systemic.