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Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job" By Alfie Kohn 

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Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job" By Alfie Kohn 

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It's not about cutting out saying good job completely but think about adding to it. Tell them what you see! For example, "I saw that you climbed over that all by yourself, you were working really hard!"

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YOUNG CHILDREN

September 2001

By Alfie Kohn

NOTE: An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title "Hooked on Praise." For a more detailed look at the issues discussed here - as well as a comprehensive list of citations to relevant research - please see the books Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting.

Para leer este artículo en Español, haga clic aquí.

Hang out at a playground, visit a school, or show up at a child's birthday party, and there's one phrase you can count on hearing repeatedly: "Good job!" Even tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together ("Good clapping!"). Many of us blurt out these judgments of our children to the point that it has become almost a verbal tic.

Plenty of books and articles advise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation ("time out"). Occasionally someone will even ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or food. But you'll have to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called positive reinforcement.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into question the importance of supporting and encouraging children, the need to love them and hug them and help them feel good about themselves. Praise, however, is a different story entirely. Here's why.

1. Manipulating children. Suppose you offer a verbal reward to reinforce the behavior of a two-year-old who eats without spilling, or a five-year-old who cleans up her art supplies. Who benefits from this? Is it possible that telling kids they've done a good job may have less to do with their emotional needs than with our convenience?

Rheta DeVries, a professor of education at the University of Northern Iowa, refers to this as "sugar-coated control." Very much like tangible rewards - or, for that matter, punishments - it's a way of doing something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. It may be effective at producing this result (at least for a while), but it's very different from working with kids - for example, by engaging them in conversation about what makes a classroom (or family) function smoothly, or how other people are affected by what we have done - or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people.

The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our approval. But we have a responsibility not to exploit that dependence for our own convenience. A "Good job!" to reinforce something that makes our lives a little easier can be an example of taking advantage of children's dependence. Kids may also come to feel manipulated by this, even if they can't quite explain why.

2. Creating praise junkies. To be sure, not every use of praise is a calculated tactic to control children's behavior. Sometimes we compliment kids just because we're genuinely pleased by what they've done. Even then, however, it's worth looking more closely. Rather than bolstering a child's self-esteem, praise may increase kids' dependence on us. The more we say, "I like the way you...." or "Good ______ing," the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what's good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments. It leads them to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.

Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, discovered that students who were praised lavishly by their teachers were more tentative in their responses, more apt to answer in a questioning tone of voice ("Um, seven?"). They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share their ideas with other students.

In short, "Good job!" doesn't reassure children; ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. It may even create a vicious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so we praise them some more. Sadly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was OK. Surely this is not what we want for our daughters and sons.

3. Stealing a child's pleasure. Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deserves to take delight in her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she's learned how to do. She also deserves to decide when to feel that way. Every time we say, "Good job!", though, we're telling a child how to feel.

To be sure, there are times when our evaluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary - especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of value judgments is neither necessary nor useful for children's development. Unfortunately, we may not have realized that "Good job!" is just as much an evaluation as "Bad job!" The most notable feature of a positive judgment isn't that it's positive, but that it's a judgment. And people, including kids, don't like being judged.

I cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does something better than she's ever done it before. But I try to resist the knee-jerk tendency to say, "Good job!" because I don't want to dilute her joy. I want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to me for a verdict. I want her to exclaim, "I did it!" (which she often does) instead of asking me uncertainly, "Was that good?"

4. Losing interest. "Good painting!" may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching and praising. But, warns Lilian Katz, one of the country's leading authorities on early childhood education, "once attention is withdrawn, many kids won't touch the activity again." Indeed, an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn't to draw, to read, to think, to create - the point is to get the goody, whether it's an ice cream, a sticker, or a "Good job!"

In a troubling study conducted by Joan Grusec at the University of Toronto, young children who were frequently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an everyday basis than other children were. Every time they had heard "Good sharing!" or "I'm so proud of you for helping," they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not as something valuable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again from an adult. Generosity became a means to an end.

Does praise motivate kids? Sure. It motivates kids to get praise. Alas, that's often at the expense of commitment to whatever they were doing that prompted the praise.

5. Reducing achievement. As if it weren't bad enough that "Good job!" can undermine independence, pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a job children actually do. Researchers keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creative task tend to stumble at the next task - and they don't do as well as children who weren't praised to begin with.

Why does this happen? Partly because the praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of doing so. Partly because their interest in what they're doing may have declined. Partly because they become less likely to take risks - a prerequisite for creativity - once they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.

More generally, "Good job!" is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life to behaviors that can be seen and measured. Unfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and values that lie behind behaviors. For example, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. Praise for sharing ignores these different motives. Worse, it actually promotes the less desirable motive by making children more likely to fish for praise in the future.

*

Once you start to see praise for what it is - and what it does - these constant little evaluative eruptions from adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard. You begin to root for a child to give his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying (in the same saccharine tone of voice), "Good praising!"

Still, it's not an easy habit to break. It can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praising; it can feel as though you're being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it. Whenever that's true, it's time to rethink what we're doing.

What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That's not just different from praise - it's the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we're offering attention and acknowledgement and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.

This point, you'll notice, is very different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we give kids too much approval, or give it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and demand that kids "earn" it. But the real problem isn't that children expect to be praised for everything they do these days. It's that we're tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of explaining and helping them to develop needed skills and good values.

So what's the alternative? That depends on the situation, but whatever we decide to say instead has to be offered in the context of genuine affection and love for who kids are rather than for what they've done. When unconditional support is present, "Good job!" isn't necessary; when it's absent, "Good job!" won't help.

If we're praising positive actions as a way of discouraging misbehavior, this is unlikely to be effective for long. Even when it works, we can't really say the child is now "behaving himself"; it would be more accurate to say the praise is behaving him. The alternative is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he's acting that way. We may have to reconsider our own requests rather than just looking for a way to get kids to obey. (Instead of using "Good job!" to get a four-year-old to sit quietly through a long class meeting or family dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it's reasonable to expect a child to do so.)

We also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. If a child is doing something that disturbs others, then sitting down with her later and asking, "What do you think we can do to solve this problem?" will likely be more effective than bribes or threats. It also helps a child learn how to solve problems and teaches that her ideas and feelings are important. Of course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage. Tossing off a "Good job!" when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things, which helps to explain why "doing to" strategies are a lot more popular than "working with" strategies.

And what can we say when kids just do something impressive? Consider three possible responses:

* Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded - and a lot of research suggests that it is - then praise may not be necessary.

* Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback - not judgment - about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!"

If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail's face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing

* Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we've seen, may have exactly the opposite effect.

This doesn't mean that all compliments, all thank-you's, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child's future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life - or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she's doing in its own right - or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head?

It's not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn't so positive. The good news is that you don't have to evaluate in order to encourage.

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Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” (**) - Alfie Kohn

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Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” - Alfie Kohn

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10 Principles of Caregiving by Magda Gerber 

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10 Principles of Caregiving by Magda Gerber 

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Principle 7: Model the behaviour you want to teach. It's so important to model respectful communication for children. If we speak respectfully to colleagues, families and communities children will pick up on that. Children despite what some may think, hear and understand what we are saying, so modelling is so important.

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Seeing and Supporting Children's Active Bodies (and Minds) By Deb Curtis 

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Seeing and Supporting Children's Active Bodies (and Minds) By Deb Curtis 

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This article is about trying to catch ourselves from mindlessly policing children's bodies to "keep them safe".

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"Language matters. The words we use can hold meanings that may narrow how we see what a child is doing. New words can lead to new ways to see." (ELF, p.5. 2019)

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10 Parenting Phrases to Stop Saying Now 

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10 Parenting Phrases to Stop Saying Now 

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As parents, we are always looking to do right for our children. It is easy to get caught up in the moment though and revert to repeating phrases we heard as children, or that we have heard other parents say.

When we slow down, step back and listen to ourselves speak to our kids, it's easy to find parenting phrases we should stop saying.

No!

I know what you are thinking. There isn't a parent in the world who hasn't given their child this simple, one-word command.

Situation: Your child is petting the family dog and she excitedly pulls the dog's ear. You sternly say, " No! ", pull the child away from the dog, and tell your child that it was not good to do.

So, what's the problem?

Stopping your child from the behavior and telling them " no" isn't the problem in this situation. What didn't happen is the problem.

Young children are sponges and only teaching them what is wrong is an opportunity missed. You can help them develop reasoning skills they will carry throughout their lives by giving them the reason for the command.

Alternative response: Stop the behavior and move your child away from the animal. " When you pull her ears it hurts her. Let's practice a nice, gentle way to pet her that makes her feel good. "

There is nothing wrong with the word, " no", as long as it is followed up with redirection or a suggestion for more appropriate behavior or activity and the reasoning behind the " no ".

Don't worry

Kids develop, then move past, many worries and fears throughout early childhood. These fears are normal and sometimes even healthy.

Telling a child not to worry:

is dismissive

does not stop them from worrying

Instead, attempt to figure out exactly what your child's concerns are and what you can do to help them; not solve their problems, just help them come up with some ways to cope.

Why did you do that?

Children make interesting behavior choices. It's a natural thing for us to want to know why our child has done something, whether it is biting/hitting, ripping a book, or coloring on a wall.

The problem with asking young children why they did something inappropriate is that they are still learning how to identify their emotions and connect them to appropriate behaviors.

Therefore, they are not likely to have an answer for you, making your question only a frustration added to the frenzy of emotions they are already experiencing.

Alternative: Consider a possible connection between your child's behavior and a previous incident. " You couldn't wear your favorite shirt because it was washing. That was upsetting to you. Is that why you ripped the page? ".

When the emotional intelligence and vocabulary to express themselves effectively have developed in a child, it's likely you will see a decrease in reactive behaviors that don't make sense to you.

You're ok

Whether a gets hurt physically or is experiencing emotional distress, telling a child they're ok is not ideal. You are telling them how they feel instead of asking them.

" You're ok " is dismissive and does not address the reason your child is upset. This is not a phrase adults appreciate hearing and children deserve to have their feeling considered, as well.

Good Job

Another common phrase parents say to their children, is "". However wonderful the product of your child's efforts is, the phrase " good job" emphasizes the finished product rather than the concentration and hard work.

A growth mindset is important for parents to encourage.

You are smart

Receiving effective praise is important for a child's development.

We need to recognize the harm in putting this fixed label on our children, though.

Again, the encouraging effort is what is lacking in this phrase.

Calling a child smart implies they are " good at thinking " and discourages effort in areas where they may not excel.

You are making me upset/sad

As parents, our feelings are often swept to the side in favor of everyone else's. This can be frustrating.

It's important, however, to not place responsibility for our feelings on our children.

From this list of parenting phrases we should stop saying, this is the one that may take a little introspection to address.

You are being bad

This phrase is one of the most important parenting phrases to stop saying. Kids make bad choices sometimes, just like adults.

The choice being a bad one doesn't mean that the child is bad, even for the moment.

" Bad" is a negative and potentially long-lasting label that can damage a child's self-worth and impact behavior long-term.

This is not how 4 year old's act/Act like a big boy

Maturity comes with age and emotional support and there are many reasons children act younger than we'd expect.

Telling a young child they are not acting their age not only dismisses the reason for their behavior but is also a form of shaming.

Situation: Your preschooler is crawling even though he's been able to walk for years.

Alternative response: "You've been crawling instead of walking this afternoon. Little babies spend a lot of in their mommy's arms. Do you feel like you need some extra snuggles?".

I don't know/Maybe later

In an attempt to squash the repetitive questions and delay the inevitable meltdown, we tell our children " I don't know" or " maybe later ", when we do actually know what our answer is going to be.

Children deserve honesty and respect. It's best to be upfront with them if you are not going to do something they are requesting, then help them through their feeling right then and there.

While delaying the inevitable might relieve your stress temporarily, your child may be spending hours excitedly waiting for something.

The disappointment could very well be greater for them after the time waiting.

Whether we follow a Montessori philosophy and think of ourselves as gentle parents or not, there is always room for improvement in how we speak to our children.

Do you have any suggestions for parenting phrases we should stop saying?

Cheers and don't forget to subscribe!

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phrases we heard as children, or that we have heard other parents say...speak to our kids...to find parenting phrases we should stop saying.

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Principles 3,4,5,6, and 10 align the closest when implementing responsive, respectful language in early childhood settings. Principle 3 states “
Demonstrate empathy and responsive care to acknowledge each child’s emotions and expressions of need.” (ECEBC, 2021) This encourages educators to think from an open-ended perspective when building trusting, comforting relationships with the children.

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Code of Ethics | Early Childhood Educators of BC

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The Early Childhood Educators of BC (ECEBC) Code of Ethics represents the collective beliefs, values, and ethics that early childhood educators in BC share.

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'You get what you get and you don't get upset'- Emotional suppression in early childhood-The Spoke- Early Childhood Australia's Blog 

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'You get what you get and you don't get upset'- Emotional suppression in early childhood-The Spoke- Early Childhood Australia's Blog 

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The Spoke - Early Childhood Australia's Blog

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As adults, we can unintentionally use language towards children that suppress their emotions-short term and long term. Be You consultant, DR KATHRYN HOPPS, looks into what this can mean for the child and more thoughtful responses we can use.

I recently overheard one child say to another, 'You get what you get and don't get upset'. The words were spoken about what the pair had been served for lunch. Children accepting what they get, without expressing negative feelings about it, certainly makes for a quieter life in the short term for educators and parents.

Unfortunately, expressions like 'you get what you get', can function in both the short and long term to suppress children's emotional expression. Suppressing and not accepting emotions is ultimately detrimental to positive mental health and wellbeing for children now, and in the future as adults.
Being okay with all emotions
Being aware of, okay with, and ultimately valuing and welcoming a range of emotions is important for emotional wellbeing. It is vital that everyone feels emotionally safe at home, in education settings at work and in the community.

Emotions are a very important indicator, for example, that something is wrong -and when adults unintentionally teach children -through our words and our actions-that some feelings are not okay, children learn to suppress particular emotions that adults are uncomfortable with or are inconvenient. One consequence of this is that children learn not only to suppress emotions but also not pay attention to what their feelings might be telling them-for example, to leave an unsafe situation, to speak up, to seek help.

Here are some other common expressions which discourage the acceptance and expression of emotions:
Emotion coaching
It is important to feel all emotions including uncomfortable ones, experience them and give them time. Educators and parents can help children to be okay with all emotions through being in tune with children, by being with children as they experience difficult emotions, and guiding children to learn appropriate ways to express them. The Gottman Institute has summarised the emotion coaching approach for parents into 5 steps. For educators, emotion coaching offers a way to learn how to help children understand, express and regulate their emotions.

Part of learning how to be an emotion coach involves replacing the above list of responses to children's emotions with some alternatives.

Here are some examples of words that empathise with, name and accept children's emotions:

I understand that you feel frustrated/disappointed/annoyed/ jealous...

It's okay to feel overwhelmed/sad/angry/nervous...

I will sit right here with you while you are feeling left out/scared/embarrassed...

It is upsetting/annoying/disappointing when...

It doesn't feel nice/fair/good when [a certain situation] happens

Educators and parents can help children accept their feelings at the same time as guiding their behaviour - as young children are still learning socially appropriate ways to express emotions. We can do this by saying things like:
'it's okay to feel frustrated, but it's not okay to hit/bite/yell...'
For early learning services and schools seeking to critically reflect together on practices that support children's emotional wellbeing, mental health initiatives like Be You can provoke deep thinking about the words and actions we use every day in responding to children's emotional expression. Ultimately this type of reflection on, and learning about, how to better support children emotionally, is one part of how we can improve mental health outcomes for all Australians.
ECA Recommends
50 fantastic ideas for exploring emotions
By Sally Featherstone, Phill Featherstone and Kay Margetts

Emotional competence is a gift we can give to a child, but it doesn't develop without adult support, guidance and modelling. Children developing a strong sense of wellbeing is a core outcome in the EYLF, with personal, social and emotional development at the heart of best practice. Click here to purchase a copy on the ECA Shop.

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'You get what you get, and don't get upset'-Emotional suppression in early childhood - The Spoke - Early Childhood Australia's Blog

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As adults, we can unintentionally use language towards children that suppress their emotions-short term and long term. Be You consultant, DR KATHRYN HOPPS, looks into what this can mean for the child and more thoughtful responses we can use. I recently overheard one child say to another, 'You get what you get and don't get upset'.

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how to communicate effectively with your young child. 9 ways to strengthen your bond through your words and actions.

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how to communicate effectively with your young child. 9 ways to strengthen your bond through your words and actions.

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It is so important to take time to listen and respond respectfully to create a trusting and caring relationship.

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Every interaction you have with your child is a form of communication. It's not just about the words you say: The tone of your voice, the look in your eyes and the hugs and kisses you give - all convey messages to your child. The way you communicate with your child not only teaches them how to communicate with others, it shapes their emotional development and how they build relationships later in life.

What are the types of communication?

Communication can take two forms: verbal and nonverbal.

Verbal communication is the way we communicate with words and includes:

Pitch and tone of voice

The words you say

Dialect, or using words your child can best understand.

Nonverbal communication is both intentional and unintentional communication through body language. It includes things like:

Facial expressions

Eye contact

Personal space

Hand gestures

Physical touch like a hug

Try these nine tips to practice your verbal and nonverbal communication skills:

1. Active listening

Listening actively helps children to feel heard and understood. By using gestures such as encouraging smiles and affirming nods you can show that you are engaged with what your child is saying and really care. Getting down to the same eye level as your child as they speak to you can help them feel safer and more connected to you.

Show that you are listening intently to what they have to say by asking them questions like "what?" "why?" and "how?". This also helps your child to improve their own communication skills by teaching them how to tell a story and what details to include.

2. Reflective listening

A great way to show your child that you are paying attention and care about what they have to say is by acting like a mirror. Repeat back what they say to you using different words. For example, if your child says, "I'm not playing with Marco anymore," you could respond with, "You are not playing with your friend?". This leaves room for your child to express their emotions without judgment. You might be surprised at how much they have to say!

3. Speaking clearly

Use language that is understandable for your child and appropriate to their age. Be clear, specific and do not use derogatory words. Using kind language helps set a positive example for your children. Remember, the conversation should make your little one feel respected and loved.

4. Avoiding bribes

Offering rewards such as candy for basic behaviours may feel like they give you short-term control, but they do not allow you to develop clear boundaries and can lead to distrust between you and your child. Try to set clear and realistic expectations about what you would like your child to do, praise good behaviour when you see it, and use calm consequences to encourage better behaviour when needed.

> Read: How to discipline your child the smart and healthy way

5. Explaining feelings

To help your child develop emotional intelligence, it is important for them to learn how to name their feelings. When your child is expressing their feelings verbally, listen to what they have to say with empathy and without judgment. Consider what life looks like through their eyes. If your little one is expressing their feelings in a nonverbal way - for example through a temper tantrum or laughing and having fun doing an activity they enjoy - help them put words to how they feel, such as happy, sad, relaxed, hurt, scared, hungry, proud, sleepy, angry, helpless, irritated, embarrassed or joyful.

6. Using 'noticing' statements

When you praise your child for specific actions, it helps them to feel good about themselves and lets them know what behaviours you like. Instead of saying "good job!" try being more specific with a 'noticing statement': "I noticed that you put all of your toys away after playtime. Nice work!"

7. Having fun together

As your children grow, parenting can seem like a more serious task. That's why it is all the more important to have fun together and enjoy lighthearted conversation - it's a great way to strengthen your relationship! Find ways to relate to your child by saying something positive about something they care about, paying attention to their interests and joking together. Remember, laugh with your child but never at your child.

8. Focusing on behaviour

If you are upset with your child about something, make sure that your criticism and comments are directed at their behaviour and not at them as a person. For example, instead of "I don't like that you are messy" try "I don't like it when you leave your clothes all over the floor."

9. Leading by example

Consider what example you are setting. Parents are children's introduction to the world. What your child sees you do is as important as what they hear you say.

Only make a promise to your child that you are sure you can keep. This helps to build and maintain trust between you and your children.

Remember, leading with kindness and love is always the way to go when bonding and communicating with your child!

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How to communicate effectively with your young child

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9 ways to strengthen your bond through your words and actions

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Teacher scripts and alternatives to them

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Teacher scripts and alternatives to them

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Parents who raise mentally strong kids never use these 7 phrases when their children are young

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Parents who raise mentally strong kids never use these 7 phrases when their children are young

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This article mentions parenting phrases such as "calm down!" or "your the best!" and the detrimental effects they can leave on your childs mental health and self esteem.

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Conversations with Children: Tips for Using Words in Powerful Ways

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Conversations with Children: Tips for Using Words in Powerful Ways

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This article written by Dr. Jessica Alverado describes healthy communication in teacher student relationships and how we can adjust our language to benefit both the teacher and child and their relationship.

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In this Ted Talk, Jackson Drew studies the effects of negative words vs positive words using containers of water. His conclusion is thought provoking.

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how negative language effects the brain - Google Search

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"Scripts seem to me to suggest already programmed ways of talking with children—for example, when two children disagree we say "how can you resolve this?" etc. We do fall back on phrases that have worked in the past or we have learned are non judgmental....but actually I hope to approach children in a natural manner. Connecting with them in a manner that reflects our relationship (new, old, weak or strong) and finding out how I can help, collaborate...I do like to think more about what I say after the fact...why say "walking feet"--something I would never say to an adult or "inside voices". What do I mean and am I being thoughtful or just saying something for the sake of saying something....maybe saying nothing is better?? Avoiding cliches seems like a way to keep your dialogue authentic."

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Expanding Conversations with Children (for educators) 

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Expanding Conversations with Children (for educators) 

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Strategies and examples for lengthening language/conversations with children to engage in development and build relationships of care. Instead of saying “Is that picture for your mommy?” You could expand the question by saying “What are you and your mommy doing in the picture?” Then follow up the response by asking “What is your favourite thing to do with your mommy?” And so on. Allowing the child to extend their language beyond just a one word answer, to a descriptive sentence. Showing the child that you are interested in their interests.

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Alexis follows the RIE philosophy

When working with TODDLERS we need to be direct and use less words.

"I feel that children feel respected when we are genuine and direct. It makes it clear for them to understand what you expectations are."

"What does marshmallow feet even mean? Instead, you can say things like 'Wow you are running so fast! I do need you to slow down though."

"Instead of indoor voices! You can say 'It sounds like you are testing out your voice, it's a too loud for my ears though, could you test it out a little quieter?"

"Its also important to acknowledge the positive aspects to our responses because we don't want to shut children down."