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An excerpt from The Meaning of Marriage.

..Many people hear this and say, "I'm sorry, I can't give love if I don't feel it! I can't fake it. That's too mechanical for me." I can understand that reaction, but Paul doesn't simply call us to naked action; he also commands us to think as we act. "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

This means we must say to ourselves something like this: "Well when Jesus looked down from the cross, he didn't think, 'I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.' No, he was in agony, and he looked down at us - denying him, abandoning him, and betraying him - and in the greatest act of love in history, he stayed. He said, 'Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing.' He loved us, not because we were lovely to him, but to make us lovely. That is why I am going to love my spouse."

Speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.

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Thoughts from The Meaning of Marriage.

"Though natural likings should normally be encouraged, it would be quite wrong to think that the way to become charitable is to sit trying to manufacture affectionate feelings... The rule for all of us is perfectly simple. Do not waste time bothering whether you "love" your neighbour; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love [them]. If you injure someone you dislike you will find yourself disliking [them] more. If you do [them] a good turn, you will find yourself disliking [them] less.."
- CS Lewis

Our culture says that feelings of love are the basis for actions of love. And of course that can be true. But it is truer to say that actions of love can lead consistently to feelings of love. Love between two people must not, in the end, be identified simply with emotion OR merely with dutiful action. Married love is a symbiotic, complex mixture of both. Having said this, it is important to observe that of the two - emotion and action - it is the latter that we have the most control over. It is the action of love that we can promise to maintain every day.

In Ephesians 5:28, Paul says, "Husbands ought to love their wives." Paul uses a word that stresses obligation, it is a command. Emotions cannot be commanded, only actions. Paul doesn't care how they feel on a given day or at a given moment - They must love their wives.

"Powerful feelings of affection cannot and will not be sustained. In any relationship, there will be frightening spells in which your feelings of love seem to dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of a marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling. You may not feel tender, sympathetic, and eager to please, but in your actions you must be tender, understanding, forgiving, and helpful. And, if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep, and you become more constant in your feelings. This is what can happen if you decide to love."

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Thoughts from The Meaning of Marriage.

"We are never more satisfied and fulfilled than when affection and action are joined in us, when we are serving someone we delight in. Nevertheless, if we don't distinguish between feelings and actions it can put huge barriers in the way of loving people."

Tied to physical, psychological, and social factors, feelings are inconsistent and fleeting. Our emotions are not under our control, but our actions are.

"If, as our culture encourages us, we go as far as to define love as "liking" - if we only feel that actions of love are "authentic" if there are strong feelings of love present - we will inevitably be bad friends, family members and spouses. It is a mistake to think that you must feel love to give it."

When you feel great delight in someone, meeting their needs and getting their gratitude and affection in return is extremely rewarding to your ego. At those times you may be acting more out of the desire for that reward, than out of the desire to do good for that other person.

When we only do the actions of love when we are having strong feelings of love, we often love unwisely. Think parents spoiling their children, or spouses out of "love" enabling destructive behaviour in each other. The reason this happens is that above all we are afraid of the displeasure of the beloved. This fear only affirms that we do not really love the person and his or her best interest, only that we love the affection and esteem that we get from that person.

"It is a mistake to think that you must feel love to give it. If, for example, I have a child, and I give up my day off to take him to a ballgame to his great joy, at a time when I don't particularly like him, I am in some ways being more loving to him than if my heart were filled with affection."

"If your definition of "love" stresses affectionate feelings more than unselfish actions, you will cripple your ability to maintain and grow strong love relationships."

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Lord, let my heart cry out for you, above temptation. May I long for your intimacy more than anything else. Hold me back tightly when I think running to other avenues of contentment will satisfy. I am so weak. So broken. So in need of your love and healing touch. My flesh is so easily given to whatever I desire. Give me the strength to resist my flesh in every area that it is drowning out your voice. Your voice is all I need. Your touch. Your love.

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"I love how God knows what I need to hear far better than I do, and that despite my grown up like and grown up thoughts, he takes me back to a childlike wonder and admiration of him. It's like he pushes aside all notions of formality and intellectualism that can create a barrier between us and just says 'Come here boy. Come sit on my lap and talk with me.'"

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I want you to realize how utterly secure you are! Even if you falter as you journey through life, I will never let go of your hand.

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Genesis 50:20 " You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

When someone angers us, frustrates us, or hurts us, it is not their faults that need focusing on, but what is happening inside us.
When we are rubbed the wrong way, it is an opportunity for us to examine ourselves. Instead of our anger, or bitterness, or frustration being like darts thrown back at the person who wronged us, they can become the mirrors that give us reflection of why what happened upset us.
The person may never change, but from their faults towards us, we can always be refined, and what meant to harms us, becomes a tool in the right hands.

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Where does scripture say we can find peace?

Philippians 4:6-7 (TPT) "Don't be pulled in different directions or worried about a thing. Be saturated in prayer throughout each day, offering your faith-filled requests before God with overflowing gratitude. Tell him every detail of your life, then God's wonderful peace that transcends human understanding, will guard your hear and mind through Jesus Christ.

Philippians 4:8-9 (TPT) "Keep your thoughts continually fixed on all that is authentic and real, honorable and admirable, beautiful and respectful, pure and holy, merciful and kind. And fasten your thoughts on every glorious work of God, praising him always. Put it into practice the example of all that you have heard from me or seen in my life and the God of peace will be with you in all things."

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What does cultivating a shame free home atmosphere look like?

Psalm 34:5 (ESV)  "Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed."

(TPT) "Gaze upon him, join your life with his, and joy will come. Your faces will glisten with glory. You'll never wear that shame-face again."