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“ I didn’t think anything would work but since doing the course things have changed, things are calmer at home. It shows you better ways of dealing with issues and shows you its ok to let some behaviours go and helps you choose your battles. Someone is also available if you need extra advice. I would recommend the course to anyone, it does make a difference just give it a go, what have you got to lose.”

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" It was great to have really practical advice. I needed someone to tell me what to do"

"  It is just common sense but having it written down was really useful"

" Things are so much better, we can go out together and have fun"

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Active Resistance is the firm side of NVR.

While Reconciliation Gestures emphasise warm and friendly connection, Active Resistance focuses on the firmer stance of correction / resistance.

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Source: NVR REBUILDING FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS Oxleas NHS Foundation Trust (2013)

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We would love to hear your feedback on our Padlet via the form below;

https://forms.gle/uCqaPdnyrfrwfu1bA

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Supporters can be anyone who offers support on your NVR journey.

All too often, parents/carers facing challenging behaviour find their support network has vanished.

An important part of the NVR programme is to help you create a network of supporters. This ensures that once the NVR programme is complete you are left with a functioning and hopefully growing support network.

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Think widely about possible sources of support. Below are some examples to get you started;

* Partner/Spouse
* Older Siblings
* Grandparents
* Friends
* Work colleagues
* Community group members (Church/Hobbies/Specialist groups)
*  Teachers
* Support workers ( CAMHS worker, family support worker, health worker)
* Social Worker

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The 'Sit-In' is the firmest principle in the NVR approach. It is the parent/carer's active protest against the priority 'basket' behaviour(s).

If the behaviours in the announcement reoccur, parents stage a 'sit in'. This reinforces the message delivered in the announcement and creates a reflective space for both parents/carers and children/young people to find a way forward together.

The 'sit-in' can be a powerful and effective tool.

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NVR_Factsheet_9_Sit-ins_short.pdf (oxleas.nhs.uk)

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Some common worries about supporters.....

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Some common worries about supporters.....

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The idea of identifying 'supporters' may be dauting at first, many parents have shared their worries about this with us;

• Wish not to burden others
• Feeling no one can offer support
• Fear of being judged or rejected
• Fear of being seen as a ‘bad parent’
• Fear of child’s reaction, or disloyalty to child
• Not being used to getting support
• Past experience of poor support
• Difficulty in working as a ‘parenting team’

If you can overcome these worries 'supporters' can really help to lower the isolation you may be feeling trying to manage difficult behaviours on your own.

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The 3 Baskets support parents/carers to prioritise which challenges need to be addressed first and help them to 'pick their battles' so that problems can become more manageable and less overwhelming.

Many parents/carers feel a huge sense of relief that they do not have to fix everything at once.

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Parents and carers receiving support around the NVR programme often feel depleted, drained and exhausted by living with challenging behaviours. When you are feeling like this it can be impossible to be present and to parent your child. Therefore please remember that self-care is not an indulgence or a luxury. It is an obligation!!

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The NVR Announcement is a formal statement written by a parent/carer to their child/young person about the priority behaviour (s).

The aim of the announcement is to resist the behaviour (s), but not the child/young person.

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Parental Presence is.......The influence of the parent on their child, in the home and outside.

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In Non Violent Resistance (NVR) parenting, the parent is encouraged to increase their parental presence in their child’s life.

While it can refer to the proximity of the parent, it mainly refers to the parent being mentally present in the child’s mind. When parental presence is achieved the parent is active in the child’s mind. The child holds the morals and values of the parent in their thoughts and actions.

During times of conflict and aggression, parents usually 'pull back' from the violent and/or aggressive child and become absent parents. This can result in little to no parental presence in the child’s life.

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How do I increase my Parental Presence?....

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How do I increase my Parental Presence?....

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By increasing your parental presence in your child’s life you are giving the message “I am your parent and I will always be your parent, even when you behave in a violent and/or aggressive way”. This anchors your child and gives them a sense of belonging once again.

Tips on Increasing Parental Presence;

• Text/call your child to check in on what their plans for the day are
• Take an interest in their hobbies an activities
• Ask them where they have been when they come home
• Regular contact with your child should become the norm

Increasing your parental presence is unlikely to stop your child's violent and/or aggressive ways immediately however, when used in conjunction with the other core concepts of NVR it can have a powerful impact on the behaviour of your child.

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Parental Presence: Reclaiming a Leadership Role in Bringing Up Our Children- Haim Omer

Available from:
* Amazon

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Reconciliation means making peace when you have been at war. ......

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Reconciliation means making peace when you have been at war. ......

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Reconciliation gestures are acts of kindness made towards a person regardless of their behaviour. These acts of unconditional love are to be done in the midst of your child’s worst behaviour:

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When things have been difficult for a long time it becomes hard to show your child how much you love them.

Parents often feel that if they do anything nice for their child this is rewarding bad behaviour and will make things worse. When they do buy their child something after some improvement in behaviour then the child sometimes seems to behave even more badly in response. As a result it becomes hard to rebuild the relationship because it seems to consist of nothing but telling off, groundings and arguments. How are you ever going to change things if your child never behaves well enough to be rewarded?

Parents end up feeling that they really do not like their child anymore and they never get the opportunity to do anything nice for their child.

The way forward is to separate the child’s behaviour from the reward. Therefore ‘reward’ is not the best word to describe what you are trying to do; ‘reconciliation gesture’ is a better description.

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Re-establishing your connection with your child means reminding them that you love them and will be there for them no matter what, however, you will resist their unacceptable behaviour.

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"If you desperately want your child to change their behaviour, you can influence this by focusing on and managing your reactions to them"

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In order to understand how to 'step out of the fight', it is useful to look at escalation patterns which can lead to violence/aggression. Typically, we see two distinct types of escalation patterns;

1. The parent may react to the child by shouting or threatening (Joint-escalation)

2. The parent finds themselves reacting to the child’s violent/aggressive behaviour by bribing, coaxing or ignoring the child (Giving-in escalation)

In both scenarios the parent’s reaction then becomes part of the escalation pattern.

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De-escalation.

In NVR, the ‘hot iron’ approach is avoided. This is remembered by the reversal of the popular saying from strike when the iron is hot to 'strike when the iron is cold'.

We ask parents/carers to step out of the fight with their child at times of conflict. When one person steps out of the fight it reduces the conflict and diffuses the situation. You may worry that this is ‘giving in’ but in NVR, we refer to it as a tactical withdrawal. You can come back to deal with the behaviour later, when everyone is calm. Afterall, it is impossible for an escalated adult to de-escalate an escalated child.

De-escalation is not easy however, with regular practice

it becomes easier. Parents/carers can learn not to

get caught up in heated exchanges.

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Reconciliation gestures can be difficult to do because you may be hurt or disheartened by your child’s behaviour/attitude. Here are some ideas to get you started....

* Make them their favourite drink/tea
* Name a positive quality in your child eg. you have a great sense of humour
* Leave a post-it note on your child's mirror with a positive remark eg. " You look beautiful with your new haircut"

Remember......When you do a reconciliation gesture you are reminding yourself that you love your child you are not giving a present or a reward!

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Not sure where to start with your announcement?

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Not sure where to start with your announcement?

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It can be difficult to know how to start your announcement so we have given you an example below that you can use as a guide;

Dear..........

Violence has made life unbearable for us. We cannot and do not want to live like this any longer. We will do all we can to change the situation. We will not attack you physically or verbally. We will always be here for you. We will no longer remain alone with the problem but will ask our friends and family for help and support. We will not hide what is going on. We promise to resist the following behaviour:

1. …………………................................................
2. …………………...............................................

We are not trying to put you down or get control over you. We are doing this because we love you and want to do our best for you as your parents/carer.

Love........

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https://www.buzzsprout.com/1180178/5185669-nvr-podcast-6-the-fear-of-the-announcement.mp3

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https://www.buzzsprout.com/1180178/4671239-nvr-podcast-3-harmonizing-or-reconciliation.mp3

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https://youtu.be/1ZYbU82GVz4

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Flying: Relaxing Sleep Music for Meditation, Stress Relief & Relaxation by Peder B. Helland

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https://youtu.be/77YwsoKsNV8

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Relaxing Guitar Music, Calming Music, Relaxation Music, Guitar Music, Sleep Music, Study Music ☯3562

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https://www.buzzsprout.com/1180178/4302080-nvr-podcast-1-coping-resistance.mp3

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NVR_Factsheet_2_Escalation_short.pdf (oxleas.nhs.uk)

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The NVR programme aims to assist parents/carers of children who are displaying challenging behaviours including violence, aggression, self-destructive and controlling behaviours. This programme equips parents/carers with confidence and self-control and enables them to address these behaviours in an effective manner. At the same time, there is a focus on rebuilding the loving parent/child relationship, which may have been lost over a period of time.

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https://youtu.be/I_39pn1Rf7E

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NVR - Haim Omer explains non-violent resistance (40 min)

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https://youtu.be/yfXq4mV5Bf8

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1.       Taking a form stand against violence, risk-taking and anti-social behaviours.

2.       Holding back from physical and verbal violence.

3.       Increasing your positive presence in your child’s life.

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Available from:
Amazon

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Don't forget......Over time seemingly small interactions have a big impact upon the quality of your relationship with your child.

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Don't forget......Over time seemingly small interactions have a big impact upon the quality of your relationship with your child.