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This is both empathy and storytelling because the article is about how a girl shows empathy in a letter for Barack Obama.

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In 2008, Karina Encarnacion, an eight year-old girl from Missouri, wrote to President-elect Barack Obama with some advice about what kind of dog he should get for his daughters. She also suggested that he enforce recycling and ban unnecessary wars. Obama wrote to thank her, and offered some advice of his own: "If you don't already know what it means, I want you to look up the word 'empathy' in the dictionary. I believe we don't have enough empathy in our world today, and it is up to your generation to change that."

This wasn't the first time Obama had spoken up for empathy. Two years earlier, in a commencement address at Xavier University, he discussed the importance of being able "to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us-the child who's hungry, the steelworker who's been laid off, the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town." He went on, "When you think like this-when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathize with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers-it becomes harder not to act, harder not to help."

The word "empathy"-a rendering of the German Einfühlung, "feeling into"-is only a century old, but people have been interested for a long time in the moral implications of feeling our way into the lives of others. In "The Theory of Moral Sentiments" (1759), Adam Smith observed that sensory experience alone could not spur us toward sympathetic engagement with others: "Though our brother is upon the rack, as long as we ourselves are at our ease, our senses will never inform us of what he suffers." For Smith, what made us moral beings was the imaginative capacity to "place ourselves in his situation . . . and become in some measure the same person with him, and thence form some idea of his sensations, and even feel something which, though weaker in degree, is not altogether unlike them."

In this sense, empathy is an instinctive mirroring of others' experience-James Bond gets his testicles mashed in "Casino Royale," and male moviegoers grimace and cross their legs. Smith talks of how "persons of delicate fibres" who notice a beggar's sores and ulcers "are apt to feel an itching or uneasy sensation in the correspondent part of their own bodies." There is now widespread support, in the social sciences, for what the psychologist C. Daniel Batson calls "the empathy-altruism hypothesis." Batson has found that simply instructing his subjects to take another's perspective made them more caring and more likely to help.

Empathy research is thriving these days, as cognitive neuroscience undergoes what some call an "affective revolution." There is increasing focus on the emotions, especially those involved in moral thought and action. We've learned, for instance, that some of the same neural systems that are active when we are in pain become engaged when we observe the suffering of others. Other researchers are exploring how empathy emerges in chimpanzee and other primates, how it flowers in young children, and the sort of circumstances that trigger it.

This interest isn't just theoretical. If we can figure out how empathy works, we might be able to produce more of it. Some individuals staunch their empathy through the deliberate endorsement of political or religious ideologies that promote cruelty toward their adversaries, while others are deficient because of bad genes, abusive parenting, brutal experience, or the usual unhappy goulash of all of the above. At an extreme lie the one per cent or so of people who are clinically described as psychopaths. A standard checklist for the condition includes "callousness; lack of empathy"; many other distinguishing psychopathic traits, like lack of guilt and pathological lying, surely stem from this fundamental deficit. Some blame the empathy-deficient for much of the suffering in the world. In "The Science of Evil: On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty" (Basic), Simon Baron-Cohen goes so far as to equate evil with "empathy erosion."

In a thoughtful new book on bullying, "Sticks and Stones" (Random House), Emily Bazelon writes, "The scariest aspect of bullying is the utter lack of empathy"-a diagnosis that she applies not only to the bullies but also to those who do nothing to help the victims. Few of those involved in bullying, she cautions, will turn into full-blown psychopaths. Rather, the empathy gap is situational: bullies have come to see their victims as worthless; they have chosen to shut down their empathetic responses. But most will outgrow-and perhaps regret-their terrible behavior. "The key is to remember that almost everyone has the capacity for empathy and decency-and to tend that seed as best as we possibly can," she maintains.

Two other recent books, "The Empathic Civilization" (Penguin), by Jeremy Rifkin, and "Humanity on a Tightrope" (Rowman & Littlefield), by Paul R. Ehrlich and Robert E. Ornstein, make the powerful argument that empathy has been the main driver of human progress, and that we need more of it if our species is to survive. Ehrlich and Ornstein want us "to emotionally join a global family." Rifkin calls for us to make the leap to "global empathic consciousness." He sees this as the last best hope for saving the world from environmental destruction, and concludes with the plaintive question "Can we reach biosphere consciousness and global empathy in time to avoid planetary collapse?" These are sophisticated books, which provide extensive and accessible reviews of the scholarly literature on empathy. And, as befits the spirit of the times, they enthusiastically champion an increase in empathy as a cure for humanity's ills.

This enthusiasm may be misplaced, however. Empathy has some unfortunate features-it is parochial, narrow-minded, and innumerate. We're often at our best when we're smart enough not to rely on it.

In 1949, Kathy Fiscus, a three-year-old girl, fell into a well in San Marino, California, and the entire nation was captivated by concern. Four decades later, America was transfixed by the plight of Jessica McClure-Baby Jessica-the eighteen-month-old who fell into a narrow well in Texas, in October, 1987, triggering a fifty-eight-hour rescue operation. "Everybody in America became godmothers and godfathers of Jessica while this was going on," President Reagan remarked.

The immense power of empathy has been demonstrated again and again. It is why Americans were rivetted by the fate of Natalee Holloway, the teen-ager who went missing in Aruba, in 2005. It's why, in the wake of widely reported tragedies and disasters-the tsunami of 2004, Hurricane Katrina the year after, or Sandy last year-people gave time, money, and even blood. It's why, last December, when twenty children were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School, in Newtown, Connecticut, there was a widespread sense of grief, and an intense desire to help. Last month, of course, saw a similar outpouring of support for the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing.

Why do people respond to these misfortunes and not to others? The psychologist Paul Slovic points out that, when Holloway disappeared, the story of her plight took up far more television time than the concurrent genocide in Darfur. Each day, more than ten times the number of people who died in Hurricane Katrina die because of preventable diseases, and more than thirteen times as many perish from malnutrition.

There is, of course, the attention-getting power of new events. Just as we can come to ignore the hum of traffic, we become oblivious of problems that seem unrelenting, like the starvation of children in Africa-or homicide in the United States. In the past three decades, there were some sixty mass shootings, causing about five hundred deaths; that is, about one-tenth of one per cent of the homicides in America. But mass murders get splashed onto television screens, newspaper headlines, and the Web; the biggest ones settle into our collective memory-Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, Sandy Hook. The 99.9 per cent of other homicides are, unless the victim is someone you've heard of, mere background noise.

The key to engaging empathy is what has been called "the identifiable victim effect." As the economist Thomas Schelling, writing forty-five years ago, mordantly observed, "Let a six-year-old girl with brown hair need thousands of dollars for an operation that will prolong her life until Christmas, and the post office will be swamped with nickels and dimes to save her. But let it be reported that without a sales tax the hospital facilities of Massachusetts will deteriorate and cause a barely perceptible increase in preventable deaths-not many will drop a tear or reach for their checkbooks."

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In 2008, Karina Encarnacion, an eight year-old girl from Missouri, wrote to President-elect Barack Obama with some advice about what kind of dog he should get for his daughters. She also suggested that he enforce recycling and ban unnecessary wars.

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There's a difference

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I found great synonyms for "empathy" on the new Thesaurus.com!

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Synonyms for empathy at Thesaurus.com with free online thesaurus, antonyms, and definitions. Find descriptive alternatives for empathy.

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All about it

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Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character. Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately. It involves experiencing another person's point of view, rather than just one's own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced.

Some surveys indicate that empathy is on the decline in the United States and elsewhere, findings that motivate parents, schools, and communities to support programs that help people of all ages enhance and maintain their ability to walk in each other's shoes.

Empathy helps us cooperate with others, build friendships, make moral decisions, and intervene when we see others being bullied. Humans begin to show signs of empathy in infancy and the trait develops steadily through childhood and adolescence. Still, most people are likely to feel greater empathy for people like themselves and may feel less empathy for those outside their family, community, ethnicity, or race.

Empathy helps us connect and help others, but like other traits, it may have evolved with a selfish motive: using others as a "social antenna" to help detect danger. From an evolutionary perspective, creating a mental model of another person's intent is critical: the arrival of an interloper, for example, could be deadly, so developing sensitivity to the signals of others could be life-saving.

Babies display an understanding that people's actions are guided by intentions and are able to act on that understanding before they are 18 months old, including trying to comfort a parent. More advanced reasoning about other people's thoughts develops by around age 5 or 6, and research shows that parents who promote and model empathy raise more empathetic children.

Empathy, sympathy, and compassion are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Sympathy is feeling of concernfor someone else, and a desire that they become happier or better off, while empathy involves sharing the other person's emotions. Compassion is an empathic understanding of a person's feelings accompanied by altruism, or a desire to act on that person's behalf.

Researchers believe people can choose to cultivate and prioritize empathy. People who spend more time with individuals different from themselves tend to adopt a more empathic outlook toward others. Other research finds that reading novels can help foster the ability to put ourselves in the minds of others. Meditation has also been shown to help cultivate brain states that increase empathy.

Some neuroscientists have advanced the concept of "mirror neurons" as a possible source of empathy. These neurons, it is theorized, enhance the capacity to display, read, and mimic emotional signals through facial expressions and other forms of body language, enhancing empathy. But whether mirror neurons actually operate this way in humans is a subject of longstanding scientific debate, and some scientists question their very existence.

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The ability to convey support for a partner, relative, or friend is crucial to establishing positive relationships. Empathy enables us to establish rapport with another person, make them feel that they are being heard, and, through words and body language, mimic their emotions. Perspective-taking, or the empathic ability to assume the cognitive state of another person and see a problem through their eyes, can further cement a connection.

In healthy relationships, people expect their partners to empathize with them when they face hardship or personal struggles, but the ability to empathize with a partner in good times may be at least as important. In one study, displaying empathy for a partner's positive emotions was five times more beneficial for relationship satisfaction than only empathizing with his or her negative emotions.

People high in narcissism, or who have narcissistic personality disorder, can exhibit empathy and even compassion. However, that ability only goes so far, as ultimately their own needs come first. Some researchers believe narcissists can develop greater empathy by developing greater self-compassion, which can increase their own feelings of security and self-worth and enable them to open up to hearing others.

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes can be beneficial, but when it becomes one's default mode of relating to others, it can blind an individual to their own needs and even make them vulnerable to those who would take advantage of them.

First responders, humanitarian aid workers, doctors, therapists, journalists, and others whose work involves opening themselves up to others' pain tend to be highly empathic. However, they may come to share the heartbreak of those they help or whose stories they record. As such "emotional residue" accumulates, they may shut down, burn out, and become less willing or able to give of themselves.

Empaths are often characterized as being highly sensitive and overly focused on the needs of others. They may benefit from time alone, as they find it draining to be in the presence of other people. People who are very empathic are more likely to be targeted by manipulative individuals. For this reason, it is important to create healthy boundaries in all relationships, and to be cognizant of relationships with "energy vampires," who are draining to empaths and non-empaths alike.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

Intuition, aided by neuroception, can shape decision-making. Understanding this can boost leadership, teamwork, growth, trust, self-discovery, and creativity.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

The powerful roles of empathy, compassion, and conflict resolution techniques from a psychological perspective in the context of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

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Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character. Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately. It involves experiencing another person's point of view, rather than just one's own, and enables prosocial or helping behaviors that come from within, rather than being forced.

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Examples from literature

Part of it may not be empathy, but simply be precaution and an insurance for the event of personal misfortune.

Some of the settlers had empathy with the dolphins to a high degree, but Ross's own powers of contact were relatively feeble.

But empathy doesn't pay the bills, and empathy can't put a roof over your head.

These examples are from corpora and from sources on the web. Any opinions in the examples do not represent the opinion of the Cambridge Dictionary editors or of Cambridge University Press or its licensors.

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Examples from literature Part of it may not be empathy, but simply be precaution and an insurance for the event of personal misfortune. Some of the settlers had empathy with the dolphins to a high degree, but Ross's own powers of contact were relatively feeble.

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As told by Pixar

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Pixar is arguably one of the greatest storytellers of our generation.

Over the years, they've won 13 Academy Awards, 9 Golden Globes, and 11 Grammys.

Effective storytelling involves a deep understanding of human emotions, motivations, and psychology in order to truly move an audience.

Luckily, storytelling is something we all do naturally, starting at a very young age. But there's a difference between good storytelling and great storytelling.

I recently stumbled across Pixar's 22 rules of storytelling - here are the top six we can all learn from.

"Storytelling is the greatest technology that humans have ever created." - Jon Westenberg

1. Great stories are universal

Great storytelling is about taking a piece of the human condition (so things like birth, growth, emotionality, aspiration, conflict) and conveying it in a unique situation.

Acclaimed Pixar director Pete Docter puts it perfectly:

"What you're trying to do, when you tell a story, is to write about an event in your life that made you feel some particular way. And what you're trying to do, when you tell a story, is to get the audience to have that same feeling."

One way you can do this is to pull apart the stories you like.

Break down every little element about what you love about them. Those are real feelings you're having and you have to recognize them in detail in order to tell a great story yourself.
In other words, self knowledge and awareness are at the the root of all great storytelling.
You are part of the human condition and people will relate to that.

2. Great stories have a clear structure and purpose
Part A (Structure)
One of my favorite ways to develop a compelling story is to use " The Story Spine " formula created by professional playwright and improvisor Kenn Adams.

Pixar has used this story structure to create so many films we know and love today.

It goes:
Once upon a time there was [blank]. Every day, [blank]. One day [blank]. Because of that, [blank]. Until finally [bank].
The Story Spine - Emma Coats

Give the Story Spine a shot to help develop a truly unique story to tell.
Part B (Purpose)
As Pixar writes:

Why must you tell THIS story?

What's the belief burning within you that your story feeds off of?

What greater purpose does this serve? What does it teach?

That's the heart of really great storytelling.
By crafting a story that you are passionate to tell because it serves a real purpose, your stories will have bigger impact on the world.
I think that gets lost a lot of the time.

3. Great stories have a character to root for (an underdog)

Believe it or not, people want to root for you (the main character).

AND they love a good underdog.

This might seem straightforward but it's worth keeping in mind anytime you're creating a story.

Pixar explains that we as the audience admire a character for trying more than for their success. In other words, it's more about the character's journey than it is their actual destination.

When your character is battling against all odds, facing adversity, or their back is against the wall, well then, you have yourself the makings of great story.
In our modern society, for example, everyone loves a good "rags to riches" story. How many times has Forbes published an article about the fearless entreprenuer that dropped everything, almost failed dozens of times along the way, yet still managed to create a multi-million dollar business?

Give the people an unexpected hero to root for.

4. Great stories appeal to our deepest emotions

Psychologists generally agree that there are six basic emotions: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise.

If you ever watched the Pixar movie Inside Out, you'll recognize these emotions as characters in the movie.

The more you understand how/when your own emotional levers are pulled, the more you'll appreciate how that works in other people (and the more you'll be able to hone those emotions in your stories).

Consciously being to recognize these various emotions in yourself -and think about the "why".
Why are you feeling a certain way? How might you be able to take the "why" behind your emotions and tell a story?
Continuously question yourself in order to understand your own emotional reactions to stories so that you can learn to tell more authentic stories that reach and move people where it counts.

5. Great stories are surprising and unexpected

We've all seen the classic "fairytale" storyline: a helpless princess in need and a charming prince swooping in to save the day.
Boring (and totally outdated). What makes modern stories compelling are when our perceptions of reality are challenged or changed in some way.
Creators like Pixar and Walt Disney use animated movies as vehicles to address real-life phenomenons, issues, stereotypes, and norms.

Movies such as Brave, Coco, Tangled, and Moana help us to understand and reflect on big, human-centered topics that we might not otherwise take time out of our day to think about.

Many times those topics or themes are surprising and unexpected, leaving the audience thinking about the story well after it is over.

If you're stuck on coming up with something truly unique, Pixar recommends to get rid of the 1st thing that comes to mind - and then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th.

Challenge yourself to dig deep.

6. Great stories are simple and focused

We as audiences know a good story when we see or hear one.

Have you ever watched a movie or read a book where you had to keep asking yourself (or someone else) what was happening in the plot?

Not a great experience.
As creators, we naturally want to include as much information as possible in our stories. We want to pack the story full of characters and plot twists and dialogue.
And often times we might not even realize that we're adding layers that don't need to be there.

Pixar's advice here is to "combine characters and hop over detours."

While you as the creator may feel like you're losing lots of valuable stuff, it'll set you free in the end and will allow your audience to get lost in the narrative.

One way to find out if your story is easy to follow is to tell it to a friend or family member who has never heard it before. Watch their face as you read it and try to see where they pause and what questions they might have.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

22 Rules for Storytelling by Pixar
6 Rules for Great Storytelling originally appeared on the Buffer Podcast:

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6 Rules of Great Storytelling (As Told by Pixar)

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Effective storytelling involves a deep understanding of human emotions, motivations, and psychology in order to truly move an audience. Luckily, storytelling is something we all do naturally...

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the activity of telling or writing stories

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This video is both connection and storytelling because it tells a story of a father and his daughter. The daughters beliefs aren't exactly the same as her father and her father respects her beliefs.

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Connecting with another person is one of the highest forms of social being for humans. At the heart of it is good storytelling. When I'm telling you a story, and you're engaged in it, you match your brain waves to mine. If I'm telling you a story with a familiar structure, your brain actually anticipates what I'm going to say next. The point is that that's good for both parties. We want to be in sync with other people. It's how we communicate well with others and it's why good storytelling is so powerful. That feeling of synchronization is a profoundly satisfying one. We want to hear stories, especially ones where we can guess what's going to happen next, a split second before we're told.

So, when communication works, we are literally aligned with one another, down to our very brain patterns. That's both inspiring and reassuring to know; when we communicate successfully, we are actually experiencing the same thing.

We are not alone.
How to Tell a Great Story
So how do you tell great stories or, more precisely, how to turn your passion, your message, your vision into a great story?

Everyone seems to understand that storytelling is important, because we're awash in data and information and can't remember it all. But we do remember stories.

Stories are even more important than that. They are how our brains work. For example, they are why we all feel that it's safer to drive than fly, even though the statistics prove the opposite. We remember the horrifying stories of plane crashes and forget the stats. That's because we attach emotions to events to create stories and memories. Our brains are constructed that way. So storytelling is essential if you want to use the brain the way it's meant to be used. We remember the emotional, the particular, and the violent especially. We forget the boring, the general, and the anodyne.

But let's start with what storytelling is not. Let's clear away the detritus and get to the core.
Stories Are Not about Beginnings, Middles, and Ends
My favorite wrong cliché about storytelling is the oft-cited "it has a beginning, middle, and an end." Well, yes. But so do pencils. As a definition, this one is not specific enough to be helpful. Airplane flights, dentist appointments, and pencils all have beginnings, middles, and ends, but they are not stories. They might become the fodder for stories, but stories in themselves they are not.

Forget this one. It's not helpful.
Stories Are Not Anecdotes
My next favorite spurious cliché about storytelling is that what happened the last time you visited a client site is a story. It's not, unless a conflict developed at your client site, leading to a crisis, it was resolved in some way, and someone-the hero-changed deeply and profoundly because of it. Rather, it's an anecdote. We relate anecdotes to each other all the time- I was at the drugstore and guess who I saw? My old college buddy Aaron! That's an anecdote, or at least the beginning of one. It may even be fascinating, but it's not a story.
More next time on what a story is and is not.

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Connecting with another person is one of the highest forms of social being for humans. At the heart of it is good storytelling. When I'm telling you a story, and you're engaged in it, you match your brain waves to mine.

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An unlikely connection between a mom and her only son's murderer

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In 1993, Oshea Israel was a teenager in Minneapolis, Minnesota. One night at a party Oshea got into a fight, which ended when he shot and killed a teenager named Laramiun Byrd. Laranium was the only child of Mary Johnson.

A dozen years later, Mary went to the penitentiary to visit the man who murdered her son.

After serving 15 years, Oshea was released from prison. Soon after, Mary brought him to StoryCorps to talk about their friendship.

Mary Johnson founded From Death to Life, an organization that supports mothers who have lost children to homicide, and encourages forgiveness between families of murderers and victims.

Originally aired May 20, 2011, on NPR's Morning Edition.

Photos courtesy of Brian Mogren.

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In 1993, Oshea Israel was a teenager in Minneapolis, Minnesota. One night at a party Oshea got into a fight, which ended when he shot and killed a teenager named Laramiun Byrd. Laranium was the only child of Mary Johnson. A dozen years later, Mary went to the penitentiary to visit the man who murdered her son.

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A great website to hear other's stories

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Stories from people of all backgrounds and beliefs

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The biggest barrier to getting into a relationship is trying to get into a relationship.

There is nothing more socially desperate than dating the way most people do it, searching for that relationship connection. You interview each other, try to impress each other, try to manipulate each other into feeling attraction, and generally spending the whole time wondering and worrying about "Will this go anywhere?"

But some people don't do it like this. They simply spend time honestly connecting with people. Sometimes this ends up becoming a relationship, or a friendship. Sometimes it doesn't. There's no attempt to make it happen. They don't seem to try.

What's the difference?

The second group of people have discovered something the first group missed. It all has to do with the difference between our perceptions of what a "relationship" is.

What is a relationship?

Think about it for a second. How do you define that word? How do you know when you're in a relationship? What are the hallmarks that prove its existence?

Believe it or not, this varies wildly from one person to another. While many of us believe that our perception of what a relationship is will match our peers, it almost certainly does not.

Some people believe it requires sexual exclusivity, others don't. Some people think it begins with a direct agreement of commitment, others believe it's implied by spending time together or having sex with each other. Some people think you must hide certain truths about yourself until after a relationship is established, others believe you must share these truths before making a commitment.

The list goes on and on. And this isn't even the important part. What's most important is trying to identify what a relationship actually is.

You can't hold it in your hand. You can't see it, smell it or hear it. It's like money in the bank - you believe in its existence despite there being only circumstantial evidence. It has no physical form.

You believe that a relationship exists when you experience certain things. Maybe it's when you agree to be girlfriend and boyfriend. Maybe it's when you're having sex. Maybe it's when your partner expresses attraction toward you. Maybe it's the marriage licence.

And then there are the experiences that tell you the relationship no longer exists. Maybe it's your partner being caught cheating, or telling you they want to break up. Maybe it's your partner dying. Maybe it's waking up one morning and not feeling love anymore.

Yet none of these signs show you what a relationship really is, and that's because of a simple Matrix-style truth:

There is no relationship.
A relationship is simply the illusion that another person will continue to obey the rules you've attached to your connection with them.
When you successfully create an illusion in your mind that they will still love you tomorrow, still want to be your loyal partner tomorrow, and still be alive tomorrow, you tell yourself that you're in a relationship.

When you're unable to convince yourself of this illusion, the relationship ends.

All those rules you made up about what a relationship consists of are what you desperately chase when you're dating. You try your best to manipulate and manoeuvre your potential mate into obeying these rules, and panic when they don't.

Even after they've committed, the "fun" of maintaining a relationship is emotionally draining. You try to prevent them from losing love, cheating or dying, because you want to keep the relationship. Whenever something threatens the illusion, you lose sleep.

No wonder dating isn't working out well for you. You're not trying to connect with someone; you're trying to get and keep an asset, an ultimately impossible task.

Why do I say impossible? Because no relationship with another person can last forever. At the very least, one of you is going to die first - and that's the best way it can end, that's the definition of the most successful relationship!

Are you so sure this is what you want to chase? Let's look at an alternative approach.

What Is A Connection?

We all want connection in a relationship. A connection has no rules. There is no expectation of tomorrow. There's no agreement or commitment. You don't have to speak or have sex. They don't even have to stay alive.

You can feel it when you make thrilling eye-contact with an attractive stranger. You can feel it when you hold your best friend's new-born baby for the first time. You can feel it when you're deep in a heart-to-heart conversation with your closest friend.

And you can also feel it when you sit contentedly on top of a mountain, watching a beautiful sunset, with no observable proof whatsoever that any other humans even exist.
What does connection mean in a relationship?
Connection can survive the end of a relationship. You can still feel connected to a loved-one who died many years ago. You can feel connected to someone who isn't in the same room, or whom you haven't spoken to for years. Connection does not require any obedience, or even action of any kind, from another person.

I believe people begin their dating experiences by searching for a connection, but get confused into seeking a relationship instead. As one of my coaching clients identified with me yesterday, we learn to accept the belief that a relationship creates and guarantees the feeling of connection.

We mistakenly see relationships as the source of connection.

Connection is what we really want. You don't want to be in a shitty unloving relationship, right? Therefore, a relationship by itself is not good enough. We want to feel connected, and have come to believe a relationship is how we can consistently achieve this, despite evidence that connection can be experienced even when all by yourself.

When you look carefully at healthy couples, you'll clearly see that the connection was what created the relationship. A relationship is a consequence of a connection.

And you'll know from experience that a connection cannot be forced just by creating a relationship. You know you can manipulate someone into being your friend or partner without ever feeling genuinely connected with them.

If you're looking for support or advice for your relationship, or you're single and want that to change, email Dan with your questions or interest in couple's coaching:
dan@theinspirationallifestyle.com

Why Seeking A Relationship Drives It Away

When you're trying to get a relationship, you ruin your chance at a real connection.

You're needy, greedy, desperate, false and manic. You hide the "worst" parts of yourself while exaggerating or misrepresenting your strengths, and bizarrely you often hide your true feelings toward them.

You play games, manipulate and trick. You ignore the other person because your attention is completely focused on the strategy in your head, part of which is you trying to convince yourself that you're not manipulative.

Compare that to when you're inviting someone to connect with you.

No games, no Pick Up techniques, no bullshit, no deception. You can't connect with a false representation, so you know you must represent yourself as boldly, vulnerably and accurately as possible. To ensure they're a good fit for you, you also must engage in empathy and acceptance, listening carefully to them to allow their truth to come out.

There is no strategy, just openness to experience. There is no definition of success or failure, just the experiment - the invitation to explore each other.

In your attempts to get into a relationship, you prevent someone from being able to connect with you. You hide what they could connect with, and you ignore and judge what you could be appreciating in them.

You think this is the best way to do it, because you believe that once you get into a relationship you'll be able to source endless feelings of connection. But will you? Do relationships work when they're started on such false pretences?

I'd suggest that the ridiculously high divorce rates in Western countries are testament to the issue of people trying to get into a relationship. I also reckon this is why arranged marriages are so statistically successful - the participants aren't trying to keep the relationship because they have no choice in the matter, so they focus on trying to connect to make the relationship enjoyable.

How Do You Switch To Seeking Connection?

In a word: honesty.

The key difference between seeking a relationship vs seeking a connection is strategy. Social strategies are always less than fully honest.

Connection is free from strategy. You're willing to lose the person because there is no relationship to be maintained - there's Nothing to Lose. You're either connected truthfully or you're not - no strategy can support truthful connection, only honesty and respect can do that.

Express yourself honestly, then give them respectful space and encouragement to do the same.

You strategically chase a relationship because you're trying to remove loneliness. But loneliness is caused by you rejecting yourself - you know this because you can still feel lonely around other people.

Connection is not about someone else liking you. Connection is you liking you. When that happens, there's no more loneliness. And how is this achieved? By valuing your honesty more than you value any relationship with another person. You impress yourself with honesty to create a sense of connection.

You've had the power all along!

For me, it all changed when I made a special commitment to myself. After a decade of desperately and unsuccessfully seeking a partner, I decided to stop trying.

I made a powerful commitment: to accept being single for the rest of my life. The relationship I would focus on would be the relationship I had with myself - the only relationship that was guaranteed to last forever!

The effects were immediate.

Suddenly, dating was no longer a desperate anxiety-ridden experience. I no longer felt any pressure to keep other people in my life. It no longer mattered if they didn't text back, or didn't want to sleep with me, or didn't want to commit to exclusivity.

I still dated, because I like exploring connection. I could offer all these things, but I did so merely to clarify our connection. If they "rejected" me, it simply meant it was time to focus on connecting more with someone else, or just with myself. There was no need to chase.

Whatever you chase will run away from you.

As I write this, I'm in a long-term relationship for the first time in over a decade, with a girl I feel deeply connected to and whom I can be myself around without restriction.

Remember, the right person for you won't require any manipulation. Your pure honesty will completely satisfy them. You don't even need to believe in yourself to satisfy another person.

Anyone less than this is a waste of your time.

Commit to being single forever, if that's what it takes to build the relationship with yourself. And don't do this just to trick yourself into reducing neediness. This is not a strategy to get a relationship.

Just let go of strategy entirely, and connect.

For more on connecting better with a partner or loved one, check out Regain.us today

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what does connection mean in a relationship

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how do you know when you’re in a relationship

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The Difference Between a Relationship and a Connection

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The biggest barrier to getting into a relationship is trying to get into a relationship. There is nothing more socially desperate than dating the way most people do it, searching for that relationship connection. You interview each other, try to impress each other, try to manipulate each other into feeling attraction, and generally spending the whole time wondering and worrying about "Will this go anywhere?"

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noun as in person who aids another in achieving goal

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noun as in something that connects, links

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noun as in something that communicates, relates

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On this page you'll find 199 synonyms, antonyms, and words related to connection, such as: contact, network, relation, acquaintance, agent, and ally.

From Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition Copyright © 2013 by the Philip Lief Group.

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connection | Definition of connection in English by Oxford Dictionaries

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Definition of connection - a relationship in which a person or thing is linked or associated with something else, a supplier of narcotics., an association of