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Here is a guide to all the community resources available here in Clarksville.

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Great volunteer idea for families that want to work together within the community. This is a local soup kitchen that accepts volunteers and donations.

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The Nashville Community Outreach Center has wonderful resources and events for families.

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Neighborhood Community Outreach and Resource Center - CONTACT US

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Nashville Community Outreach & Resource Center Phone: 629-209-5079 or Email: info@ncorc.org Try one of our contact boxes below for specific requests or comments:

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Do you or someone you know need translation services? This organization can help.

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Thank you for visiting bostico.com. We attach great importance to your questions and comments. If you have any questions that the information contained on this site cannot answer, please contact us and we will reply as soon as possible. General Queries: info@bostico.com USA Head Office: +1 845 580 6519

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This resource will help families find more information on Medicaid services here in TN.

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In order to assist you in getting a timely response, please contact your State Medicaid Agency for any questions on the following:

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Please use this resource if you or someone you know is in need of locating a food bank.

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Second Harvest Food Bank of Middle Tennessee

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If you or someone you know needs emergency food, Second Harvest can help. Use our Find Food search tool to find a food bank near you.

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Here is a great family support group for families of police officers in Nashville.

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What is a Family Support Group?

Metro Nashville Police Department's Behavioral Health Services offers Family Support Groups. The overall goal is to support our police families. The groups will offer family members a space to de-stress and process strong emotions, build supportive networks and link them with additional resources. We will focus on identifying techniques to promote self-care and develop healthy coping skills. The group will also provide the opportunity for questions and answers. Any contacts with Behavioral Health Services are confidential.

Where and When are Family Support Groups held?

Family Support Group dates and times will be posted in advance as scheduled.

Who is included in Family Support Groups?

Police Families: Husbands, Wives, Spouses, Partners, Girlfriends, Boyfriends, Moms, Dads, Brothers, Sisters, Grandparents. These particular groups are for families only, and will not include sworn police officers. We will support our sworn officers via other venues. We plan to offer support groups for officers in the future, including some which may include officers and family together. Due to the sensitive nature of the group content, we ask that children not be included in the group discussions. The groups will be facilitated by licensed, professional counselors from the Professional Wellness Section. These groups are completely supported by the Police Department and its leadership. The groups have been organized, planned and structured by the Professional Wellness Section counselors that includes Lieutenant Michael Gooch and selected members of the Peer Support Team. The Professional Wellness Team and select Peer Supporters will also be available to support police families, before, during and after these support groups.

Why do we have Family Support Groups?

We want you and your family to be heard. We want to hear your thoughts and feelings. We want you to receive support and have the chance to also give support to others. We want you to learn new ways to cope. We want your thoughts and feelings to be validated. The Metro Nashville Police Department recognizes the importance of each employee. We recognize the value placed on each employee and their mental well-being by providing services to prevent, react, and follow-up with employee's needs. This is done by creating a healthy environment for training, debriefings, peer support, spiritual support, and fulfilling our objectives in a safe and confidential manner. Our mission is to support the entire family by promoting health and wellness, while striving to build and maintain resilient police families. Please note that everything said in these support groups will be absolutely and completely confidential.

More Information

If you are unable to attend one of these groups, we plan to offer more. We can arrange for other supportive options like meeting with a member of the team, meeting with a Peer Supporter, or scheduling a session with a professional counselor. If you would like to schedule a session with a professional counselor, please contact Adrienne Ewing-Roush.

Contacts

Professional Wellness Section Manager: David Kennington 615-862-7887

Counseling Unit Supervisor: Adrienne Ewing-Roush 615-862-7887

Wellness Unit Supervisor: Lieutenant Michael Gooch 615-862-7059

The Professional Wellness Team is here to support police families on a more consistent, structured basis. We do not want to wait for a crisis to offer services. We want to support our police families from hire to retire and beyond. Our goal is to help build and maintain healthy police families who possess the necessary coping skills and support networks to thrive in this environment.

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Nashville > Police Department > Administrative Services > Behavioral Health Services > Family Support Groups

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Metro Nashville Police Department's Behavioral Health Services offers Family Support Groups. The overall goal is to support our police families. The groups will offer family members a space to de-stress and process strong emotions, build supportive networks and link them with additional resources. We will focus on identifying techniques to promote self-care and develop healthy coping skills.

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This local family support group in Nashville might be helpful for parents looking to meet other parents and discuss parenting.

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Being a parent isn't always easy... how we parent our children impacts their health, ability in school, and future success in life. Most parents regardless of race, culture, or financial situations are affected by daily demands, time limitations, and stress in general. We can easily become overwhelmed.

Positive Parenting... Plus! uses proven curriculum and methods to offer information, emotional support, skill building, and personal insights, helping moms, dads, or other family caregivers be the best parents possible!

In our community-based partner sites, parents are encouraged to bring their children (up to age 13) who can share in the "family meal" and participate in their own group focused on similar topics. This is where the "plus" comes in!

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Parenting & Family Groups - The Family Center

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Being a parent isn't always easy... how we parent our children impacts their health, ability in school, and future success in life. Most parents regardless of race, culture, or financial situations are affected by daily demands, time limitations, and stress in general. We can easily become overwhelmed. Positive Parenting... Plus!

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Are you looking for after-school and summer care for your children? Consider the YMCA

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At a Glance

Ages: 5-12 (must have completed kindergarten)

Camp Dates: May 25-Aug. 6* (Monday-Friday)

Camp Hours: 9 a.m.-4 p.m.

Free Swim Instruction: We offer free water safety instruction to all day camp participants who don't pass our YMCA Swim Test. Learn More

Details:
*Schedules may vary by location.
What to Expect

The majority of the day is spent outdoors.

Campers have access to a large tent providing shade for small-group time, water breaks and rest.

Campers swim in our pool most days.

Weather permitting, campers enjoy other features, such the Youth Activity Center, fields and gym, based on the day's curriculum

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Ages: 5-12 (must have completed kindergarten) Camp Dates: May 25-Aug. 6* (Monday-Friday) Camp Hours: 9 a.m.-4 p.m. Free Swim Instruction: We offer free water safety instruction to all day camp participants who don't pass our YMCA Swim Test. Learn More Details: *Schedules may vary by location. The majority of the day is spent outdoors.

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Are you trying to find ways to involve your family in serving the community? This resource may be helpful to you.

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It's easy to feel disconnected, as many parents juggle work, school, kids, and activity after activity. But some simple things can bring a family closer - playing a game, going for a hike, or cooking a meal together.

One of the most satisfying, fun, and productive ways to unite is volunteering for community service projects. Volunteerism also sets a good example for your kids and helps the community.

Reasons to Get Involved

Why should your family lend a helping hand?

It feels good. The satisfaction and pride that come from helping others are important reasons to volunteer. When you commit your time and effort to an organization or a cause you feel strongly about, the feeling of fulfillment can be endless.

It strengthens your community. Organizations and agencies that use volunteers are providing important services at low or no cost to those who need them. When a community is doing well as a whole, its individuals are better off, too.

It can strengthen your family. Volunteering is a great way for families to have fun and feel closer. But it can be hard to find the time to volunteer. So try rethinking some of your free time as a family. You could select just one or two projects a year and make them a family tradition (for example, making and donating gift baskets to care facilities for the elderly around the holidays).

What Kids Can Learn From Volunteering

If volunteering begins at an early age, it can become part of kids' lives - something they might just expect and want to do.

It can teach them:

A sense of responsibility. Kids and teens learn what it means to make and keep a commitment. They learn how to be on time for a job, do their best, and be proud of the results. But they also learn that, ultimately, we're all responsible for the well-being of our communities.

That one person can make a difference. A wonderful, empowering message for kids is that they're important enough to have an impact on someone or something else.

The benefit of sacrifice. By giving up a toy to a less fortunate child, a child learns that sometimes it's good to sacrifice and that there are important things besides ourselves and our immediate needs.

Tolerance. Working in community service can bring kids and teens in touch with people of different backgrounds, abilities, ethnicities, ages, and education and income levels. They'll learn that even the most diverse individuals can be united by common values.

Job skills. Community service can help young people decide on their future careers. Are they interested in the medical field? Hospitals and clinics often have teenage volunteer programs. Do they love politics? Kids can work on the real campaigns of local political candidates. Learning to work as a team member, taking on leadership roles, setting project goals - these are all skills that can be gained by volunteering and will serve kids well in any future career.

How to fill idle time wisely. If kids aren't involved in traditional after-school activities, community service can be a wonderful alternative.

Getting Your Family Involved

The Internet offers lots of sites with information about volunteer opportunities. You can also call a favorite charity, hospital, or church directly to see if they have any needs. Or contact a local volunteer clearinghouse, which matches up volunteers and community organizations and can help you find openings at nonprofit organizations in your area.

When looking for a volunteer position, remember that it may be difficult to find the perfect volunteer slot. Be flexible, and keep looking if the agency you were referred to doesn't meet your needs. It may take a while to find a perfect fit, but once you do, it will be worth it.

Good Volunteer Jobs for Families and Kids

Families can do many volunteer jobs. Even the smallest child (with adult supervision) can pick up garbage at the park, playground, or beach. You don't even have to be part of a big effort to do this. Get your family together, find some garbage bags, and head out.

Or become involved in repair and renovation efforts for low-income residents. Younger kids might not be able to do the big jobs, but helping out by fetching a paintbrush or holding the nails involves them just the same.

Work at a community food bank or soup kitchen as a family. Find an organization that serves the elderly. Take food to people who are homebound and visit with them. Your kids can brighten a lonely senior's day instantly. Offer your family's help at the local animal shelter. Help plant flowers or trees. The possibilities are endless.

Whatever you choose to do, volunteering and community service can benefit both the community and your family. Get involved today!

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Community Service: A Family's Guide to Getting Involved

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It's easy to feel disconnected, as many parents juggle work, school, kids, and activity after activity. But some simple things can bring a family closer - playing a game, going for a hike, or cooking a meal together. One of the most satisfying, fun, and productive ways to unite is volunteering for community service projects.

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Another great resource for families. This focuses on non-traditional families and offers information for support groups.

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Looking for ways to keep the conversation going about LGBTQ issues with your ERG, community group, or PFLAG chapter? Welcome to Something to Talk About, a monthly series designed by PFLAG National's Straight for Equality TM program to create conversation about...

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PFLAG started with families. For more than 40 years, we have been providing peer-to-peer support, publications, toolkits, and other resources to make sure that the family members of people who are LGBTQ get the support they need in the way that best serves their needs.

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This is a great resource for blended families that may be struggling with adjusting.

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Blended Family and Step-Parenting Tips - HelpGuide.org

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Blending two families? Get tips for easing the transition, bonding with stepchildren, and dealing with common challenges.

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Big Future is a great resource to help you and your child plan for college/secondary education.

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Parents | Helping your child with the College Planning Process

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Take a look at the resources and informations for Parents regarding planning for college.

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Career Village is a great resource to use if your child is trying to decide on a college major or career.

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We want 100% of youth to finish their education ready to start careers that will have them fulfilled and energized.

Our role in that vision is to be the universally trusted source of career information that youth can turn to, and a place where they find the encouragement they need to persist in the face of adversity. (Basically, we want to be the Wikipedia of career advice, but with more enthusiasm and personality :)

Just a few years from now, all young people in America will know that they can go to CareerVillage.org to get reliable, high-quality advice about how to become successful professionally. We'll always be "open to all", but what is really going to be game-changing is for low-opportunity youth to finally have equal access to the absolute best career information available anywhere.

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We want 100% of youth to finish their education ready to start careers that will have them fulfilled and energized. Our role in that vision is to be the universally trusted source of career information that youth can turn to, and a place where they find the encouragement they need to persist in the face of adversity.

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This is a great resource to help teach your child about tolerance and preventing/responding to prejudice.

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The National Education Association offers several resources that might be beneficial to you.

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We know parents and caregivers are crucial to providing our students with the best possible education. We've seen-and research shows-that when families and communities are involved in their children's education, students attend school more regularly, stay in school longer, and perform at higher levels.

NEA Is Here for You

Families: we see how many responsibilities you have, how you support your children, how you extend yourselves further to help our educators do their jobs. We're here to support you, too.

NEA has teamed up with PBS station WETA to offer expert tips and resources to help educators and families navigate distance learning. Use these resources to make sure that learning continues-no matter where it takes place:
Find more support >

Parent engagement is central to education. They are the ones who will continue teaching their children long after they're out of class. - Nitzah Santiago-McRae, Aspiring Educator

How to Get Involved

Educating young people is a partnership between administrators, teachers, students, families, and the community. You can make a difference wherever you are. Join us at home, in your community, or at the state or national level. Ways to get started include:

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We know parents and caregivers are crucial to providing our students with the best possible education. We've seen-and research shows-that when families and communities are involved in their children's education, students attend school more regularly, stay in school longer, and perform at higher levels.

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Is your child asking questions about which college they should attend? This resource helps parents and students research which school is right for them.

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Find the college that's the best fit for you! The U.S. Department of Education's College Scorecard has the most reliable data on college costs,graduation, and post-college earnings.

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Consejos para ayudar a los ninos a aprender a leer.

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"Como padres, lo más importante que podemos hacer es leer a nuestros niños muy temprano y con frecuencia. ... Cuando los niños aprenden a amar los libros, aprenden a amar el aprendizaje."
-Laura Bush

La Ley Que Ningún Niño Se Quede Atrás de 2001 ayuda a garantizar que todos los niños reciban una educación de alta calidad y hace a las escuelas responsables de asegurar que todos los niños aprendan. La información que aparece a continuación concuerda con esta importante ley.

Este folleto le da información sobre cómo puede ayudar a fortalecer la capacidad de su niño en lectura y el lenguaje durante los primeros años de la vida. Saber leer bien constituye la base del aprendizaje. Sin la capacidad de leer, los niños no pueden triunfar en la escuela.

Antecedentes

Los niños pueden comenzar a desarrollar su capacidad lingüística desde la infancia. No importa si el inglés es o no su primer idioma. Lo importante es hablar con su niño. Para entender la relación entre las primeras experiencias con el idioma hablado y la lectura durante la infancia, se puede comparar el lenguaje con un banquito o taburete de cuatro patas. Las cuatro patas son el hablar, el escuchar, el leer y el escribir. Las cuatro patas son importantes; cada una ayuda a sostener y equilibrar a la otra.

Según indica la investigación, la mayoría de los problemas en lectura que enfrentan los adolescentes y los adultos hoy, podían haberse prevenido si ellos hubieran recibido la debida ayuda durante la niñez.

"La lectura es más que un pasatiempo. En el mundo actual, es una capacidad de supervivencia."
-Margaret Spellings, secretaria de Educación de EE.UU.

Selección de cuidado infantil o una escuela durante los primeros años

Al elegir una escuela o centro donde se cultivará la capacidad lingüística y de leer de su niño, busque:

Adultos capacitados para ayudar a los niños a aprender las bases del idioma, tales como las letras y los sonidos correspondientes.

Muchos libros que atraen a los niños.

Suficiente tiempo cada día para actividades de lectura y lingüísticas.

Crayones o marcadores y muchas hojas de papel.

Carteles de pared con letras y las palabras que las contengan, y de palabras con ilustración correspondiente.

Un ambiente en el que los niños gozan de aprender.

Introducción al lenguaje para los bebés y los niños pequeños de nacimiento a 2 años

Hable con su bebé o niño pequeño con frecuencia. Muéstrele las cosas, nómbrelas y hable de ellas. Aliéntele a balbucear o tratar de comunicarse con usted. Cántele canciones y léale rimas infantiles.

Lea con su bebé o niño pequeño cada día, aunque sea por un ratito. Conviértelo en un tiempo especial del que él disfruta.

Busque en su biblioteca local libros hechos especialmente para los bebés y niños pequeños-tales como los libros interactivos (los que tienen solapas que se levantan para ver otras imágenes, lift-the-flap, o los que tienen qué tocar y sentir, touch-and-feel) y los libros hechos de cartón o tela. Aliente a su niño a manejar los libros, lo cual ayudará con el desarrollo motor y lingüístico.

Ideas para ayudar a los niños en edad preescolar de 3 a 4 años a prepararse para leer

Entre otras ideas, las siguientes pueden ser de utilidad para usted:

Siga conversando con su niño, compartiendo los libros y visitando la biblioteca. Busque libros con el abecedario y libros con poemas y rimas infantiles.

Señale las letras y palabras sencillas y familiares en los libros y los letreros y carteles. Ayuda a su hijo a leer su nombre o escribirlo con crayones o letras magnéticas.

Aliéntele a él a contarle a usted cuentos, a ordenar los sucesos de manera lógica.

Lea libros y cante canciones con rimas. Juegue juegos con rimas. Por ejemplo, mientras lee o canta, pare antes de una palabra que rima y pídale a su niño que llene el espacio en blanco.

Consulte con su distrito escolar u otros proveedores de servicios acerca de los materiales disponibles para estos fines.

Ideas para los niños del jardín infantil o el primer grado de 5 a 6 años

Integre a su hijo en actividades sencillas que incluyan hablar, leer o escribir, tales como una receta o escribir una nota.

Siga con ese tiempo especial cada día para leer juntos en voz alta.

En la biblioteca, busque libros para lectores de nivel principiante y aliente a su niño a leerle cuando esté listo para hacerlo.

Más ideas para todas las edades

Deje que su hijo lo observe disfrutando de la lectura.

Limite el tiempo de ver la tele y usar la computadora, y controle lo que su hijo ve en la tele y lo que ve y hace en la computadora.

Cuando tiene preocupaciones por el desarrollo de su hijo, consulte a un pediatra.

Colaborar con la escuela de su hijo

Los niños cuyo primer idioma no es el inglés todavía pueden llegar a ser excelentes lectores en ese idioma. No importa si usted hace las actividades sugeridas en español o inglés, aun así usted le está prestando apoyo a su niño para aprender a hablar y leer en inglés.

Cuando su niño entra por primera vez en la escuela, hable con su maestro. Si usted siente la necesidad de reunirse con el maestro, pídale a un pariente, un vecino u otra persona en su comunidad que lo ayude.

Hágale saber al maestro lo que usted hace en la casa para fortalecer el habla y la lectura de su hijo en español e inglés. Pídale ideas a la maestra. Los niños que saben cambiar de un idioma a otro han logrado algo especial: entienden dos idiomas. Se les debe alentar en tal aprendizaje de idiomas.

Ejemplos de recursos

U.S. Department of Education:
www.ed.gov o
http://www.ed.gov/espanol/bienvenidos/es/index.html?src=gu
o llame al 1-800-USA-LEARN

Bilingual information on helping children learn to read [Información bilingüe sobre cómo ayudar a los niños a aprender a leer]:
www.ColorinColorado.org ó www.nifl.gov/partnershipforreading

NOTA: Este documento contiene información que proviene de entidades públicas y privadas. La inclusión de tal información no constituye el aval del Departamento de Educación de los Estados Unidos a ninguna entidad, organización o producto o servicio ofrecido ni a las opiniones expresadas en el presente. Esta publicación también contiene hiperenlaces y direcciones de sitios Web (URL) creados y mantenidos por organizaciones externas los cuales se presentan para la comodidad del lector. El Departamento no se hace responsable de la veracidad de la información contenida en ellos.

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academic achievement; academic aspiration; parent participation; preschool education; primary education; secondary education; spanish speaking; success;

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Consejos para ayudar a los ninos a aprender a leer--Guia de recursos para las familias hispanas

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"Como padres, lo más importante que podemos hacer es leer a nuestros niños muy temprano y con frecuencia. ... Cuando los niños aprenden a amar los libros, aprenden a amar el aprendizaje."

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Here is a helpful article for developing an IEP for your child.

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En español | In Spanish
by Theresa Rebhorn

Being a parent is the most wonderful-and hardest-job in the world. If you have a child with special needs, your job is no less wonderful, but it can be more complicated.

Your child's education is most likely an area of great interest to you. As a child with a disability, he or she may be eligible for special education services in school. If so, then it will be important for you to learn:
Quick links:
The good news is that there's a lot of information available for parents. ( 1) This guide can help you learn what you need to know. It explains the basics of the special education process and gives you information on how to be an effective partner with your child's school.

Introduction

Thanks to a powerful and important federal law called the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, or IDEA, children with disabilities are entitled to a " free appropriate public education " (often called FAPE). ( 2) This means that schools must provide eligible children who have a disability ( 3) with specially designed instruction to meet their unique needs at no cost to the children's parents. This specially designed instruction is known as special education. ( 4) IDEA includes a great deal of information to help states design special education programs for children with disabilities. IDEA also includes regulations to protect the rights of parents and children. ( 5)

Getting to know IDEA will be very useful to you, because it is the basis of your child's educational rights. Detailed information is available on the official IDEA site established by the Department of Education, at: https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-34/subtitle-B/chapter-III/part-300/subpart-D.

The Center for Parent Information and Resources can also help you learn about this law. Many publications in the Repository of Resources explain IDEA's requirements. Some publications are short, others go into detail.

It's also helpful for you to know the policies of your state and local school district. These must be based on, and consistent with, IDEA's minimum requirements, but they often spell out important details about procedures and guidelines in your area. Call or write your state department of education (or your local school district) and ask for a copy of your state (or local) special education regulations. There may also be a special education handbook or parent guide available from your state or local district.

One of the most important parts of the special education process is creating a plan for your child's education. This plan is called the Individualized Education Program, or the IEP. ( 6) The IEP is the foundation for your child's education, and you are a very important member of the team that develops it. Your child's IEP lists the special education services your child will receive, based upon his or her individual needs. This is why it is so important that you understand and help develop your child's IEP.

If you've never helped to develop an IEP before, the information we've included in this guide may seem overwhelming. It helps to think of the IEP both as a process and as a document to be written. Understand the process one step at a time-it has many parts. Learn the process of writing the document the same way. It, too, has many parts.

You will quickly become familiar with all the steps to writing an IEP. If your child continues to receive special education each year, you will soon become an IEP expert yourself!
§ Special Symbols in This Issue §
___________________________

As you read the explanations about IDEA, you will find references in the form of endnotes, because they appear at the end of this document. These point you to specific sections of the Federal regulations, such as §300.320 . You can use these references to locate the precise sections in the Federal regulations that address the issue being discussed.

For example, an endnote may refer you to §300.320 when the topic being discussed is "content of the IEP." (The § symbol means "section." The 34 CFR refers to Title 34 in the Code of Federal Regulations.) This reference tells you that, to read the exact words IDEA uses to describe the content of an IEP, you would look under Section 300.320 in IDEA's regulations.

Visit CPIR's online version of the IDEA regulations, beginning at:
http://www.parentcenterhub.org/repository/partb/

___________________________

A. The IEP Process

1. What's involved in developing my child's IEP?

Developing your child's IEP involves two main things:

the IEP meeting(s), where you, your child (at times), and school staff members together decide on an educational program for your son or daughter; and

the IEP document, which puts the decisions from that meeting in writing.

Among other things, this document lists the services and supports your child will receive.

The entire IEP process is a way for you and the school to talk about your child's needs and to create a plan to meet those needs. Let's look at the process, starting with the IEP meeting.

The IEP meeting is somewhat formal. By law, certain people must attend. People sign in to show who is there. Lots of papers are looked at and passed around. People will talk about your child, his or her needs and strengths, and what type of educational program would be appropriate. You should feel free to ask questions and offer suggestions. You will also want to feel comfortable that the team has spent enough time talking and planning before filling out the various sections of the IEP. We'll tell you more about what to expect in this guide.

2. Where and when do IEP meetings take place?

You and the school agree on where and when to have the IEP meeting. Usually, meetings are held at school during regular staff time. This means the meeting can happen before, during, or after the regular school day. By law ( 7), the school must tell you in writing:

the purpose of the meeting;

the time and place for the meeting;

who will be there; and

that you may invite other people who have knowledge or special expertise about your child to the meeting.

Also-

It may take more than one meeting to write a complete IEP. If you find more time is needed, ask the team to schedule another meeting.

You may ask for an IEP meeting at any time, if you feel that changes need to be made to your child's educational program. Some teams like to meet near the end of a grading period to talk about the student's progress and to make changes to the IEP, as needed.

3. Does the IEP meeting have to be in person?

No. When holding an IEP meeting, you and the school may agree to use other means of participation. For example, some members may participate by video conference or conference calls.( 8)

4. Who attends the IEP meeting?

Under IDEA, certain people (listed next) must be part of the IEP team. ( 9) It is important to note that there doesn't have to be a different person for every role. Often, one person carries more than one responsibility on the team.

You, as Parent(s)

School Administrator -a member of the school district who knows about the general education curriculum (the same curriculum taught to children who do not have disabilities) and the resources available to the school. This person must also be qualified to provide or supervise special education services.

General Education Teacher -at least one general education teacher, if your child is (or may be) participating in the general education class.

Special Education Teacher -at least one of your child's special education teachers or, if appropriate, at least one special education provider who works with your child.

Evaluation Personnel -someone who knows about your child's evaluation, what the evaluation results were, and what the results mean in terms of instruction. This could be a school psychologist, an administrator, or one of your child's teachers.

Your Child-if the IEP team will be talking about how to prepare your child for life after high school (called transition planning | 10), your child must be invited to the meeting. Otherwise, deciding when and how your child will participate in the IEP meeting is a decision you and your child can make. Students are encouraged to take part in developing their own IEPs. Some students in elementary school come to the meeting just to learn a little about the process or to share information about themselves. As students get older, they take a more active role.

Other members of the team ( 11)

In addition to the people listed above, you and the school can invite other people to the IEP meeting. This can include:

Translators or interpreters -If English is not your first language, or if you communicate by using sign language or in another mode, the law says the school must provide an interpreter, if you ask for one.

Transition personnel -If the IEP meeting will include planning for your child's life after high school, staff from outside agencies may be invited to attend with your consent. This is especially important if an outside agency may be responsible for providing or paying for transition services. An example of such an agency might be the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation.

Others with knowledge or special expertise about your child -Many parents find it helpful to have a support person at the IEP meeting. This may be another parent, a friend, an advocate, or a consultant. Others could include student friends, specialists, tutors, educational consultants, or school staff. It can also include therapists or other related services personnel who work with your child. Both you and the school have the right to invite such individuals to join the team.

5. What do different team members bring to the IEP process?
The Special Education Teacher
Your child's special education teacher is a specialist about disabilities and individualized instruction. He or she understands how and when to use different teaching styles and instructional methods to meet your child's needs. Usually, the special education teacher-
As you can see, there can be many people on an IEP team. While everyone shares in the discussion, you will find that each brings his or her own point of view and experience. Let's look at what each person might add to your child's IEP.

The special educator can talk about how lessons may need to be adapted or modified to help your child learn. He or she may also talk about the supports and supplementary aids your child may need to fully participate in learning and other school activities, such as assistive technology, an instructional assistant, or peer buddy. The special educator may take the lead in developing your child's goals, focusing on those areas where your child has special instructional needs. In many schools, the special educator also makes sure that all the people who help your child follow the plan written in the IEP.
The Parent(s)
As a parent, you bring very important information to the IEP meeting. You know your child's strengths and weaknesses and all the little differences that make your child unique. Your knowledge can help the team develop an IEP that will work best for your child. Tell the team what goals are most important to you and to your child. Also share your concerns and give insights about your child's interests, likes and dislikes, and learning styles. By being an active IEP team member you can ensure that your child's IEP is developed with thought given to long-term needs for a successful adult life. Your job at the IEP meeting is to:
The General Education Teacher
The general education teacher knows the curriculum for your child's grade level and what students in general education classes are typically expected to do. If your child is going to be educated in the general education classroom for any part of the school day, then the general education teacher will talk about what your child will be taught and expected to learn. He or she may also talk about any supports, changes, and services your child needs to be successful. The general education teacher may also tell the rest of the team what he or she needs to help your child understand the general education curriculum and achieve the goals listed in the IEP.

learn and understand the process;

share information;

ask questions;

offer suggestions;

keep the team's focus on "the big picture" and your child's long-term needs; and

speak up on your child's behalf.

Being actively involved in your child's IEP is your choice. To help you participate, the school must make reasonable efforts to:

schedule the IEP meeting so you can come; (12)

provide an interpreter for you, if needed; (13)

inform you about the meeting; (14)

inform you of your rights and where to find help in understanding them. (15)

If you can't attend the meeting where your child's IEP is developed, the school will need to use other ways to ensure you can participate, including individual or conference telephone calls or video-conferencing. ( 16) However, if you decide not to participate in writing your child's IEP, the school can hold the IEP meeting without you. ( 17) It may not provide initial services to your child, however, without your consent. ( 18)

Your Child
When your child participates in the IEP meeting, it can have a powerful effect. Just having your child at the meeting can make the IEP process come more alive. Requests and suggestions that come directly from your child can carry more weight than when you voice them. Many parents are sometimes surprised when they hear their children speak about their disability, their educational desires, and their goals for the future. And sometimes teachers learn things about their students that they didn't know before.

Depending on your child's age and ability, the role he or she plays as an IEP team member can be as broad as your own or limited to what you and your child feel most comfortable with. When your child is part of the IEP process, the program can be much more worthwhile to him or her, instead of something to put up with. Taking part in IEP meetings also helps your child learn to speak up for him or herself and develop valuable self-advocacy skills.

The Administrator
The administrator at the IEP must know what resources the school has available. This person must also have the power to commit the resources needed so that services can be provided as outlined in your child's IEP.

6. What happens at the IEP meeting?

At the IEP meeting ( 19) the team will develop, review, and/or revise the IEP document. You and the other team members will work to create an IEP that is educationally appropriate and that the team can agree on. Before the meeting, school staff usually write down their ideas of what needs to be in your child's IEP. It's a good idea for you to jot down what is most important to you. You can share these ideas with other members of the team before the meeting, if you wish. You can also ask the school to send you draft ideas, so you can look them over before meeting. Team members can also get copies of your child's recent tests or evaluations.

During the meeting, each person takes a turn in the discussion. The discussion will include talking about:

your child's strengths;

your concerns for enhancing your child's education;

the results of the most recent evaluation of your child; and

your child's academic, developmental, and functional needs.

The team will also talk about what is sometimes referred to as "special factors" ( 20) or "special considerations," asking and answering the following questions:

Does your child have communication needs?

Does your child need assistive technology services and devices ? ( 21)

Does your child's behavior interfere with his or her learning or the learning of others?

Does your child have a visual impairment and need instruction in or the use of Braille?

Is your child deaf or hard of hearing and have language and other communication needs?
If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," the team will talk about what your child needs and include this information in the IEP.
Does your child have language needs related to his or her IEP, because of limited English proficiency ? ( 22)

Usually, your child's main teacher goes first. If your child is already receiving special education services, this will probably be the special education teacher. If the meeting is to write your child's first IEP, then this person may be the general education teacher. The teacher begins with how your child is doing in school. He or she will describe your child's strengths and needs and how the disability affects your child throughout the school day. Then specialists, like a physical therapist or a speech therapist, will discuss how your child is doing in these areas. They will talk about your child's needs and how they plan to support your child's education. Goals for the year, related services, and all of the required parts of the IEP will be talked about and decided.

It's a good idea to share your ideas as the meeting goes along. As a parent, you are an equal member of the IEP team and an expert on your child. If you have questions or concerns, speak up. Ask for more information or an explanation if you need it. If you disagree with something you hear, respectfully say so. Explain why, or offer your point of view. The IEP meeting is a conversation and a dialogue. You and the other IEP team members are putting your heads together to design an effective program for your child. The main purpose of the meeting is to agree on each part of the IEP so that the document can be written and services can start.

7. May a member of the IEP team be excused from attending an IEP meeting?

Yes, in certain circumstances some members of the IEP may be excused from attending an IEP meeting. ( 23) However, you and the school must agree in writing to excuse the member.

An IEP team member may be excused from an IEP meeting if the member's area of curriculum or related service is not going to be discussed or modified at the meeting, assuming you and the school agreed in writing. Also, an IEP team member whose area of expertise is going to be discussed may be excused if the member gives written input into developing the IEP to you and to other members of the IEP team before the IEP meeting. Again, you and the school must agree in writing to excuse the member of the IEP team.

B. The IEP Document

8. What is in the IEP?

In each state or school district the IEP form can look different. Under IDEA, the items below must be in every IEP. ( 24) We'll be discussing each one in detail.

Your child's present levels of academic achievement and functional performance;

Annual goals for your child;

How your child's progress will be measured;

The special education, related services, and supplementary aids and services that will be provided to (or on behalf of) your child, including program modifications or supports for school staff;

An explanation of the extent (if any) to which your child will not participate with children without disabilities in the regular class and in school activities;

Any modifications your child will need when taking state or district-wide assessments;

The dates when services will begin and end, the amount of services, as well as how often and where they will take place;

How and when you will be informed of your child's progress;

By age 16 (or younger, if the IEP team so decides), postsecondary goals and the transition services (including courses of study) that your child will need to reach those goals;

Beginning at least one year before your child reaches the age of adulthood (usually 18-21, depending on your state law), the IEP must include a statement that your child has been informed of any rights that will transfer to him or her upon reaching this age. Reaching the age of adulthood is called the "age of majority" in IDEA. ( 25) Not all states transfer rights upon reaching adulthood. Refer to your state's special education regulations to find out how this issue is handled.

Each one of the items above is discussed during the meeting and filled in on the IEP form. Let's take a closer look at each of these.

1 | Present Levels of Academic Achievement and Functional Performance

This section of the IEP describes how your child is doing in school, based on current information. "Current" information usually means information no more than a year old. The present levels of academic achievement and functional performance statement (commonly called "present levels") should cover all areas of development where your child may need support. Some examples are:

Academic skills-math, reading, writing

Daily living or self-help skills-dressing, eating, using the bathroom

Social skills-making friends

Behavior

Sensory skills-hearing, seeing

Communication skills-talking

Mobility-getting around in school and the community

Vocational skills-working

Also included in the present levels statement is information about how your child's disability affects his or her involvement in the general education curriculum. (If your child is preschool age, the team will focus on how the disability affects his or her involvement in typical preschool activities and development.) In other words, you and the rest of the team will talk about the impact your child's disability has on his or her ability to learn and do the kinds of things that children without disabilities learn and do. This information is then included in the IEP.

Where does the information for your child's present levels come from? If your child is new to special education, this information will come from the tests and observations done during your child's evaluation for eligibility. If your child's IEP is being revised, the information may come from evaluations done during the year (by the school or from an Independent Educational Evaluation or IEE ( 26).

Teachers and others who work with your child may offer information gained during your child's day-to-day school routine. Information that you as a parent share can also be included in your child's present levels. A well-written present levels will describe:

your child's strengths and weaknesses;

what helps your child learn;

what limits or interferes with your child's learning;

objective data from current evaluations of your child; and

how your child's disability affects his or her ability to be involved and progress in the general education curriculum.

Below is an example from a well-written present level for a 5th grader with learning disabilities. We've used bold to indicate such useful parts of present level statements as:

objective data from evaluation,

strengths,

weaknesses,

what helps learning, and

what hinders learning.

Example of a Present Level Statement
___________________________________

Results of standardized testing using the Woodcock-Johnson (WJ-R) show David's basic reading skills are at a beginning 4th grade level (standard score = 89). His basic writing skills are at a 3.7 grade level (standard score = 81). [objective data from evaluation] His performance in basic reading and writing is significantly below his ability.

David makes errors when he reads and has difficulty decoding () long words [weakness], but his comprehension skills are strong. David uses context cues and picture cues to help him understand what he is reading [what helps learning]. He has a strong reading vocabulary .

When writing, David frequently misspells words and uses incorrect punctuation . It is much easier for David to express himself by speaking rather than by writing. He sometimes gets frustrated when writing and hurries through written work [what hinders learning].
___________________________________

Often, the present levels statement includes teacher observations as well as information from evaluations. This information can give a more complete picture of what helps your child learn and what limits your child's learning. For example:

He needs a quiet, separate place to do individual work.

She learns quickly when working in a small group.

He understands and remembers what he hears about a subject. Learning by reading or looking at pictures is difficult and doesn't work as well for him.

She imitates other children and learns from them. (27)

Elise is essentially non-verbal and uses many ways to communicate including: gestures, facial expression, eye gaze, vocalizations, word approximations, head nod for yes, head shake for no, and use of a Dynavox 3100 augmentative communication device which she accesses with a head switch.
Here is another example of a statement that might be part of a present levels. Note its emphasis on describing functional performance.

In short, the present levels statement of academic achievement and functional performance:

describes how your child is doing in school, and

identifies those areas where he or she is having difficulty.

A clearly written and thorough present levels is important, because it is the foundation for all of the IEP. Goals are written based upon your child's present levels. Special education and related services are provided based upon your child's present levels and the goals that result from those present levels. So take your time in writing the present levels statement. Be thorough. The information you include will be the stepping stone to writing the rest of the IEP.

2 | Annual Goals

Once your child's needs are identified, the IEP team works to develop appropriate goals to address those needs. An annual goal describes what your child can be expected to do or learn within a 12-month period.

In the past, IDEA required that annual goals be broken down into short-term objectives or benchmarks-in other words, the steps along the way to achieving the goals. This is no longer required in an IEP, except for children who will be taking alternate assessments aligned to alternate achievement standards. If that is the case with your child, you'll also focus on writing short-term objectives or benchmarks to accompany your child's goals. (How the IEP team decides if a child will take such alternate assessment is discussed under # 6, Modifications to State or District-wide Assessments.)

The annual goals (and, if appropriate for your child, short-term objectives) section of the IEP builds upon your child's present levels of academic achievement and functional performance. The present levels statement identifies what your child needs. The goals (and, for some, accompanying objectives) should be written to address those needs.

Writing goals can be one of the hardest parts of developing an IEP. One reason for this is because goals can cover so many different areas. Depending upon your child's needs, some goals may target areas of the general education curriculum. Other goals may target learning developmental or functional skills-for example, teaching your child how to eat independently, to use public transportation, or to read Braille. Still another area for goal-setting may be your child's social or emotional needs. These don't come under a typical "academic" curriculum. But if your child has social or emotional needs, then goals to meet those needs would be written into the IEP.

A well-written goal should (a) be positive, and (b) describe a skill that can be seen and measured. It answers the questions:

What? . . . skill or behavior?

How? . . . in what manner or at what level?

Where? . . . in what setting or under what conditions?

Here's an example of an annual goal, written for David, whose present levels of academic achievement and functional performance were shown above. The IEP team developed this reading goal for David by looking at the information in his present levels:

Annual Goal for Reading | David will achieve a reading score at the 5th grade level or above, as measured by the Qualitative Reading Inventory (QRI).

3 | Measuring Your Child's Progress

Effective goals are critical parts of your child's IEP. Keeping track of your child's progress is just as important. How will you and the school know if your child is making enough progress to reach a goal by the end of the year? This information must be included in the IEP. The IEP team must decide:

how your child's progress will be measured; and

when periodic reports on your child's progress will be provided to you.

Often, information on how well your child must perform in order to achieve the goal is spelled out. Using David again as our example, you can see this type of information in the phrase "at the 5th grade level or above" in his annual reading goal. It's not enough for David to make progress in reading. The goal specifically mentions being able to read at the 5th grade level or above. This type of information is called evaluation criteria.

Sound evaluation criteria are written in objective, measurable terms. In David's case, these will be set by the QRI, the test the school will be using to measure his reading skills. The QRI will identify a specific score (or range of scores) that indicates a child is reading at the 5th grade level. David must achieve that score, or above, in order to achieve his annual reading goal.
Given a list of 20 unfamiliar words that contain 8 of more letters, David will decode them with:
Another way the IEP team could define how David's progress will be measured is by setting target dates for specific kinds of progress. According to his present levels statement, David has difficulty decoding long words. Because decoding is a critical component of reading skill, the team might set targets for his progress in this area. For example:
By June 15, Vicky will complete the obstacle course unassisted, as documented by the adapted physical education teacher.
In other instances, progress is not measured in number scores:

In this example, the teacher will observe and take notes while Vicky completes the obstacle course. Teacher observation/notes are one way of checking progress. Other ways of checking progress may include:

In addition to describing how your child's progress will be measured, the IEP must also describe when periodic reports on that progress will be given to you as parents. As examples, IDEA mentions the use of quarterly reports that come out at the same time as report cards. ( 30) But the periodic reports may take another form or schedule, depending on the policies or practices in your area.

4 | Services and Supports

Under IDEA, there are a variety of services and supports available ( 31) that your child may need as part of his or her free appropriate public education. These services and supports include:

Special education;

Related services;

Supplementary aids and services;

Accommodations and modifications; and

Program modifications or supports for school staff.

All of these services and supports are designed to help your child:

reach his or her annual goals;

be involved and make progress in the general education curriculum;

participate in extracurricular activities (such as after school clubs or sports) or other nonacademic activities (32) (such as recreation activities, athletics, or employment); and

be educated and participate with children without disabilities in these kinds of activities.

Let's take a look at what these services and supports involve.

Special education is instruction that is specially designed to meet the unique needs of a child with a disability. In the case of your child, this means education that is individually designed to address your child's needs. Since each child is unique, it is difficult to give an overall example of special education. It is individualized for each child. Special education for any student can consist of:

It is also important to remember that the education, services, and supports outlined in your child's IEP do not necessarily cover your child's entire education. The IEP only addresses those educational needs resulting from your child's disability. If your child needs special education support throughout the school day, for all activities, the IEP will cover all these needs. If your child doesn't need special education support in one or more areas (for example, physical education, music, or science), then the IEP will not include these subjects. Your child will access them through the general education curriculum/class, with no additional special education services.
B. Related Services
It's also important to understand that special education is not a place. It's a set of services that can be provided in many different places, depending on the child's needs. IDEA strongly prefers that children with disabilities be educated in the general education classroom with their peers without disabilities. If your child is going to spend any part of the school day not participating with peers without disabilities in the regular class and in other school activities, then the IEP must include an explanation as to why not. This will be discussed in more detail under #5, Participation with Children Without Disabilities.

To help your child benefit from special education, he or she may also need extra help in one area or another, such as speaking or moving. This additional help is called related services ( 34). Many of these services are listed below.
Related Services Related services can include, but are not limited to, any of the following:
_________________________________________________________

Assistive Technology ( 35)

Audiology

Counseling Services

Early Identification

Interpreting Services

Medical Services

Occupational Therapy

Orientation and Mobility Services

Parent Counseling/Training

Physical Therapy

Psychological Services

Recreation

Rehabilitation Counseling

School Health Services and School Nurse Services

Social Work Services in Schools

Speech-Language Pathology

Transportation

_________________________________________________________

It is the IEP team's responsibility to review all of the evaluation information, identify any related services your child needs, and include them in the IEP. Typically, schools have staff who provide related services (such as speech therapists or occupational therapists) to meet the needs of their students. But if a related service is not available from the school, the school can contract with a private provider, a public agency, or even another school district to provide the service. Your school district is responsible for making sure all services listed in your child's IEP are provided, even if the district does not directly provide these services. (You'll find additional information about the school's responsibility for related services, including specific limitations and exclusions, summarized in the box at the end of this section on related services.)
The Range of Related Services: Limits, Responsibilities, and Exclusions
Goals are often written for a related service just as they are for special education services. This includes specifying how a child's progress will be measured.

IDEA's list of related services is quite long, isn't it? Yet these are not the only services that can be considered as a related service. Others often made available include artistic and cultural programs such as art, dance, and music therapy.

IDEA makes specific exclusions to what may be considered a related service -two, in particular:

Medical services may be provided by a licensed physician but only for diagnostic or evaluation purposes. (37)

Medical devices that are surgically implanted, such as a cochlear implant, may not be provided as a related service. Related services also do not include optimizing how such a device functions, maintaining the device, or replacing it. (38)

The school system remains responsible for monitoring and maintaining medical devices that are needed for the health and safety of the child. This includes breathing, nutrition, and other bodily functions. The school is also responsible for routinely checking the external parts of a surgically implanted device to make sure that it is functioning properly.( 39)

C. Supplementary Aids and Services ( 36)

This part of the IEP focuses on the other kinds of supports or services (other than special education and related services) that your child needs to be educated with children without disabilities to the maximum extent appropriate. Some examples of these additional services and supports are:

adapted equipment-such as a pencil grip, special seat, or cut-out cup for drinking;

a one-on-one aide;

assistive technology-such as a computer, special software, or a communication system;

training for staff, the student, and/or parents;

adapted materials-such as books on tape, large print, or highlighted notes;

peer tutors; and

collaboration/consultation among staff, parents, and/or other professionals (such as an occupational therapist, a behavior specialist, or a mobility specialist).

D. Accommodations and Modifications for Your Child
The IEP team must work together to make sure that your child gets the supplementary aids and services he or she needs to be successful. Team members should talk about your child's needs, the curriculum, and school routine, and openly explore all options to make sure the appropriate supports for your child are included.

For many students with disabilities-and for many without- the key to success in the classroom lies in having appropriate adaptations, accommodations, and modifications made to the instruction and other classroom activities. Some adaptations are as simple as moving a distractible student to the front or away from the pencil sharpener or the window. Other modifications may involve changing the way that material is presented or the way that students respond to show their learning.

Adaptations, accommodations, and modifications need to be individualized for students, based upon their needs and strengths. Doing so can help students access the general education curriculum and other learning materials and activities. Accommodations can also help students demonstrate what they have learned. This type of individualization is part of what's "special" and "specially designed" about special education. ( 40)

Modifications or accommodations are most often made in the following areas:

Scheduling. For example,

giving the student extra time to complete assignments or tests

breaking up testing over several days

working in a small group

working one-on-one with the teacher

For example:
What is most important to know about modifications and accommodations is that both are meant to support individual children in their learning.

Jack is an 8th grade student who has learning disabilities in reading and writing. He is in a regular 8th grade class that is team-taught by a general education teacher and a special education teacher. Modifications and accommodations provided for Jack's daily school routine (and when he takes state or district-wide tests) include the following:

1. Jack will have shorter reading and writing assignments.

2. Jack's textbooks will be based upon the 8th grade curriculum but at his independent reading level (4th grade).

3. Jack will have test questions read/explained to him, when he asks.

4. Jack will give his answers to essay-type questions by speaking, rather than writing them down.

You and the other members of the IEP team will probably spend time discussing your child's learning needs and the ways in which classroom instruction, testing, homework, and school activities can be modified or adapted to help your child access the general education curriculum, demonstrate his or her learning, and participate with students who do not have disabilities. If the IEP team decides that your child needs a particular modification or accommodation, this information must be included in the IEP.

E. Program Modifications or Supports for School Staff ( 41)

Supports are also available for those who work with your child, to help them help your child:

achieve his or her annual goals;

be involved in and make progress in the general education curriculum;

participate in extracurricular and other nonacademic activities; and

be educated and participate with children who do not have disabilities.

An example of one such support might be to arrange for key personnel involved with a given child to receive training related to that child's needs.

5 | Participation with Children without Disabilities

As we said earlier in this guide, IDEA strongly prefers that children with disabilities be educated in the general education class with children who do not have disabilities. In fact, it requires that children with disabilities be educated with their peers without disabilities to the maximum extent appropriate for each child. ( 42) In keeping with this requirement, then, each IEP must include:

"...an explanation of the extent, if any, to which the child will not participate with nondisabled children in the regular class and in [extracurricular and nonacademic activities]. . . " ( 43)
Therefore, if your child is going to be removed from the general education class for any part of the school day, the IEP team must include an explanation in the IEP.

Just because a child has severe disabilities or needs modifications to the general education curriculum does not mean that he or she may be removed from the general education class. ( 44) Accommodations, modifications, and supplementary aids and services can, and often do, play an important part in supporting children with disabilities in the regular educational environment. Removing a child from this environment may occur only if the nature or severity of the child's disability is such that educating the child in regular classes cannot be achieved satisfactorily, even with the use of supplementary aids and services.( 45)

6 | Modifications to State or District-Wide Assessments (46)

IDEA requires that students with disabilities be included in general state or district-wide assessments, with appropriate accommodations, if necessary. ( 47) Testing accommodations are commonly made in the same areas as the instructional modifications discussed earlier: scheduling, setting, materials, and student response.

The IEP team is responsible for determining whether your son or daughter will participate in each assessment given by the state or district-and how your child will participate. Some children may need no testing accommodations or modifications in order to demonstrate what they've learned and can do. Many, however, will need accommodations in order for their academic achievement and functional performance to be validly and accurately measured. It's important for IEP teams to know what type of accommodations can be made without invalidating a child's test scores and which accommodations the state permits. (This information should be available from your state department of education.) Once the IEP team determines which accommodations in testing, if any, would be appropriate for your child, these must be listed in the IEP and provided to your child during the actual assessment.

It's also possible that a specific state or district general assessment may not be appropriate for your child, even with accommodations and modifications. He or she may need to be assessed using an alternate assessment. If so, your child's IEP must include a statement of:

why your child cannot participate in the regular assessment; and

why the particular alternate assessment to be used is appropriate for your child. (48)

The participation of students with disabilities in state and district general assessment programs is an evolving area within IDEA as well as within general education law (the No Child Left Behind Act). Final regulations in this area were published in April 2007. ( 49) A wealth of information on the subject is available from the National Center on Educational Outcomes (NCEO) and the Center on Standards & Assessment Implementation.

7 | Location and Duration of Services

Each of the services your child needs is written down in the IEP. The IEP must also include:

how often your child will receive the service(s) (number of times per day or week);

how long each session will last (number of minutes);

where services will be provided (in the general education classroom or another setting such as a resource room); and

when services will begin and end (starting and ending dates).(50)

The IEP team may also consider whether or not your child needs to receive services beyond the typical school year. This is called Extended School Year or ESY services . ( 51) Some children receiving special education services may be eligible for ESY services. Ask your state and local school district for a copy of its guidelines for determining eligibility for ESY. If you or your child's teachers feel your child needs ESY services, it should be discussed during the IEP meeting.

8 | Reporting Your Child's Progress

Under IDEA, you must be kept informed of your child's progress on IEP goals. ( 52) As mentioned earlier (see #3), the IEP team will decide when periodic reports will be provided to you and include this information in the IEP. A "periodic report" might be issued quarterly, for example, when the school system issues report cards.

Look in your child's progress reports to see whether or not your child is making adequate progress to reach his or her goals by the end of the year. If not, then you will want to talk to the IEP team about how to address the lack of expected progress.

9 | Transition Services

As your child gets older and nears age 16, the IEP team-including your child-will consider many questions about his or her future after high school. What will your young adult do? Will he or she go to college or a technical school? Will he or she work? In what kind of job? What appeals to your child? What kind of preparation, knowledge, or skills will be needed? What kind of supports? Will he or she live independently or continue to live at home? Will you need help from other agencies to carry out these plans?

Answering these questions-and many more!- is called transition planning . ( 53) By the time your child is 16 years old, the IEP must describe the transition services needed to help him or her move from high school to life as an adult in the community. ( 54) The IEP team can also decide to start transition planning with your child at a younger age, if the IEP team considers it appropriate. The transition plan must then be updated every year and specify:

measurable postsecondary goals for your child related to training, education, employment, and (where appropriate) independent living skills; and

the transition services needed (including what your child will study) to help your child reach those goals.

Consider the range below of postsecondary possibilities for your child and determine which are appropriate, given your child's interests and preferences, skills and experience, and need for accommodations or supports:

postsecondary education (such as a 2-year or 4-year college or business school);

vocational education (to prepare for working in computers, auto mechanics, or hotels/restaurants, for example);

integrated employment (including supported employment);

continuing and adult education (such as classes offered by your community adult education office or department of recreation);

adult services (such as a day program or group home);

independent living; or

participating in the community.(55)

Whenever the team is going to talk about transition, your child must be invited to the meeting. Services must be based on your child's needs, taking into account his or her skills, preferences, and interests. Services can include: instruction, related services, community experiences, developing employment and other adult living objectives, and (if appropriate) daily living skills and giving your child a functional vocational evaluation.( 56)

A lengthy discussion of transition planning is beyond the scope of this guide for parents. However, because transition planning is so important, we are pleased to explore this topic much more fully in the separate Transition Suite.

We'd also recommend that anyone interested in transition planning visit the websites of these two projects for the wealth of information they offer:

National Secondary Transition Technical Assistance Center (NSTTAC)
https://youth.gov/federal-links/national-secondary-transition-technical-assistance-center

"Age of majority is the legal age established under state law at which an individual is no longer a minor and, as a young adult, has the right and responsibility to make certain legal choices that adults make."( 58) Thus, when people use the term age of majority, they are generally referring to when a young person reaches the age where one is considered to be an adult. Depending upon your state law, this usually happens at some point between 18 and 21.

At this juncture in your child's life, the state may transfer to your young adult all (or some of) the educational rights that you, as parents, have had up to the moment. Not all states transfer rights at age of majority. But if your state does, then the rights and responsibilities that you have had under IDEA with respect to your child's education will belong to your son or daughter at the age of majority.

Beginning at least one year before your child reaches the age of majority, you and your child will receive written notice from the school telling you of the upcoming transfer of rights (if any). When this happens, the IEP must include a statement that you have received the notice and have been told about the transfer of rights.( 59)

There are some exceptions to this transfer of rights. For example, some children with disabilities may need to have a guardian appointed to make decisions for them. Other students may not have the ability to give informed consent ( 60) regarding their education. Or your child may be fully capable of making these decisions but still want your help in these matters. In all these cases, the state will have procedures by which parents can be appointed to continue representing their child's educational interests. ( 61) You will need to check your local and state policies to find out how this issue is handled.

C. Deciding Your Child's Placement

9. What is placement? How is my child's placement decided?

Once the IEP team has decided what services your child needs, decisions must be made about where services will be provided. Where your child's IEP is carried out is called . As the parent, you have the right to be part of the group that decides your child's placement.( 62)

In deciding your child's placement, the group must make sure that your child has the maximum opportunity appropriate to learn with children who do not have disabilities-in academic, nonacademic, and extracurricular activities.( 63) This part of the law is called Least Restrictive Environment or .

Least Restrictive Environment is explained in IDEA as follows:

. . . To the maximum extent appropriate, children with disabilities . . . are educated with children who are nondisabled; and . . . special classes, separate schooling, or other removal of children with disabilities from the regular educational environment occurs only if the nature or severity of the disability is such that education in regular classes with the use of supplementary aids and services cannot be achieved satisfactorily. ( 64)

IDEA also says:

The child's placement is determined at least annually; is based on the child's IEP; and is as close as possible to the child's home.

Unless the IEP requires some other arrangement, the child is educated in the school that he or she would attend if the child had no disability.

When looking at placement options, consideration must be given to any potential harmful effect on the child or on the quality of services that he or she needs.

A child with a disability may not be removed from education in age-appropriate regular classrooms just because he or she needs modifications to the general education curriculum. (65)

Often, the IEP team makes the placement decision. In some places, the placement decision is made by another group of people. In either case, under IDEA, the group that makes the placement decision must include you, as the parent(s), and others who:

are knowledgeable about your child;

understand the meaning of your child's evaluation data; and

know the placement options. (66)

When discussing placement, the group should consider your child's unique needs and determine what the least restrictive placement for your child is, based upon those needs. A placement that is least restrictive for one child may not be least restrictive for another. What is least restrictive for each child is based on that child's unique needs. This means that the school system may not use a "one size fits all" approach to educating children who have a disability. Decisions must be based on individual needs as stated in the IEP, not on-

the child's disabling condition or label (such as placement in a special class for students with intellectual disabilities just because a child has a cognitive impairment);

disability program categories (placement in an particular program for students with learning disabilities (LD) just because a child needs LD services);

the location of staff;

the funds that are available; or

the convenience of the school district. (67)

In making placement decisions, the group looks to another important part of the IDEA, the continuum of alternative placements . ( 68) The continuum includes the different options where children can receive services. These options include placements such as:

a general education class;

a special education class;

a special education school;

at home; or

in a hospital or other institution.(69)

A student's placement in the general education classroom is the first option considered by the group making the placement decision. ( 70) Can your child be educated satisfactorily in the general education classroom? What aids, services, and supports does your child need to make this possible? If the group decides that your child's needs can be met in the general education class, with supports, then that placement is the least restrictive environment for your child.

D. Participating in the IEP Meeting

So, your first IEP meeting is coming up. How do you get ready? Here are some suggestions.

10. What do I do before the meeting?

__ Review the information on your child -from home, school, or private sources (such as doctors, therapists, or tutors). Ask yourself, "Do these records show the full picture?" Fill in any missing pieces, if you can. Bring your records to the meeting. You can also bring examples of your child's work (on paper, audiotape, or videotape) to show specific concerns or insights you may have.

__ Talk with your child about the upcoming IEP and ask about school. "What things are hard? What things are easy? What's important for you to focus on this year?" Your child may have a lot to say about his or her needs and interests. Students are often much more aware of their strengths and weaknesses than parents realize. Make notes on what your child says.

__ Think about your child's involvement in general education classes. Consider his or her learning style, special education needs, and social needs. How can these needs be addressed in the IEP? What kinds of supports or services might your child need in order to be successful in the general education class? Ask your child what he or she needs or doesn't need in the way of support.

__ If your child will be attending all or part of the IEP meeting, explain how the meeting works in a way that he or she can understand. Let your child know how important the meeting is and that his or her opinions and input are valuable. You may need to prepare your child to speak up at the meeting. Talk with your son or daughter about how to share his or her feelings about what is being proposed.
Answer the following questions about your child as a way to prepare for the IEP meeting.
__ Do a Positive Student Profile ( 71) (see the box below) to share with the team. To do this profile, answer questions about your child, which will help you organize your thoughts and focus clearly on your child's strengths, needs, and goals.

_______________________________

Doing a Positive Student Profile ( 72)

1. Who is ____________? (Describe your child, including such information as place in the family, personality, likes and dislikes.)

2. What are __________'s strengths? (Highlight all areas where your child does well, including school, home, community, and social settings.)

3. What are ________'s successes? (List all successes, no matter how small.)

4. What are ________'s greatest challenges? (List the areas where your child has the greatest difficulties.)

5. What are _________'s needs? (List the skills your child needs to work on and the supports he or she needs.)

6. What are our dreams for ____________? (Describe your vision for your child's future, including short-term and long-term goals.)

7. Other helpful information. (List all relevant information, including health care needs, that has not already been described above.)

_____________________________

__ Brainstorm with people (teacher, friend, family members, tutor, therapist, consultant) to get ideas before the meeting. Write down things you feel must be included in the IEP. Decide how you want to share this information with the other members of the IEP team.

__Ask other team members if they can share their ideas about your child's program ahead of time.

__ Know your rights. Review the IDEA regulations and accurate summaries. Take the regulations with you to the meeting in case you need them.

__ Are there any areas where you and the school might disagree? Plan how you want to handle these. List any information that might support your position. Think of alternatives to offer if the school is not willing to accept your first suggestion. Decide where you can compromise and where you can't.

__ Consider whether you'd like to invite another person to go with you to the IEP meeting. This person should have special knowledge or expertise about your child or with respect to your child (a related service provider, for example, a past teacher, a specialist in your child's disability, or a friend). Another person may think of things during the meeting that you do not. As a courtesy, let the school know if someone will be attending the meeting with you.

If an advocate will be attending the meeting with you, review your agenda together before the meeting. Above all, be sure that the advocate understands what role you would like him or her to play in the IEP process.

11. What do I do during the meeting?

Use your notes to keep yourself and the team on track. Keep the focus on your child's individual needs and in creating a plan that will lead to success. Remember your child's social and emotional needs, including the need to be with peers that do not have disabilities. Encourage the other members of the IEP team to use simple language, so that anyone reading the IEP can understand and carry it out.Stay focused

Ask questions
If a team member says something you don't understand, ask the person to explain. If someone says something about your child you don't agree with or have a question about, ask for more details. What backup information supports the person's statement (teacher notes, checklists, evaluations)? If you have different information, be sure to share it.

Make sure you don't accept or reject a goal for your child based on incomplete information. If a present levels statement is appropriate, there should be data to support it. If a goal is appropriate, there should be documentation to back up the need. You want to make sure that decisions are not made based upon a single event or random observations.

Be thorough
Make sure you agree with the language in the present levels of academic achievement and functional performance before you finalize annual goals for your child. Try not to move away from one area until you are confident that it adequately addresses your child's needs. If you find that needed information is not available at the meeting, have the team make a note of what is missing, who will get the information, and when they will get it by. Then you can agree to move on and come back to discuss the issue when the needed information is received.

12. What can I do if we don't agree?

If the team cannot agree on a particular item after several minutes of discussion, add it to the team's "parking lot" of concerns and suggest coming back to it later. Avoid getting stuck debating a particular point over and over, especially if it feels like you are not getting anywhere. You need to be clear in your mind on where you can and cannot compromise. Communicate this in a reasonable and calm way. Sometimes, the following words can help the team resolve an issue.

"What will it take for us to reach an agreement on this issue?"

"Why don't we just try this for 6 weeks and see how it works?"

"I understand that you can't say yes to this request. Can you tell me who does have the authority? How do we get that person here?"

"We can all agree that this is not an easy issue. But we need to find a solution that will work for (your child) that we can all live with."

"I just don't see this as being appropriate for (your child). There have to be other options we haven't looked at."

13. I'm concerned I'll get too emotional. Any suggestions?

One of the most difficult things in an IEP meeting can be keeping emotions under control. It is easy at times for anyone at the meeting to get frustrated. Everyone has demands placed on them that are outside their control. The teacher has concerns about meeting the needs of all her students, including your child. Therapists may be concerned with how many children they need to work with and how to fit everything that needs to be done into a single school day. The administrator may be worried about having enough staff,

supplies, and equipment on a daily basis. And, like any parent, you want what is best for your child, even though the law says you are only entitled to what is appropriate. It is a challenge to balance all these needs and demands. The key to reducing frustration and avoiding conflict is to be respectful of each other, even when you don't agree. Keep coming back to the purpose of the meeting-to develop an appropriate IEP for your child.

14. What if we still don't agree?

If you've done as much as you can and still cannot come to agreement on the IEP, there are several options open to you.

__If this is your child's first IEP, you can refuse to give permission for the school to implement the IEP.( 73) In this case, your child will not receive the special education services outlined in the IEP.

__Ask the school to give you prior written notice ( 74) on the issue(s) under disagreement. Written notice must tell you in detail what the school is proposing or refusing to do, why, and what information it used to reach the decision. This includes:

-telling you other options the school considered and why they were rejected;

-describing each evaluation procedure, test, record, or report used as a basis for the action being proposed or refused; and

-describing any other factors that are relevant to what the school is proposing or refusing to do.

With this information, you may be in a better position to convince the school to rethink its decision or to proceed with the next step below.

With mediation, you and the school sit down together and try to work out the disagreement with an impartial third person called a mediator. The mediator does not work for the school system or make any decisions for you or the school. The mediator helps you and the school talk about your differences and work toward an agreement.

The due process hearing is a formal, legal procedure where both you and the school present your views on the dispute to an impartial hearing officer. After all the evidence is presented and witnesses have spoken- much like in a court case-the hearing officer decides the case and tells you and the school how the matter is to be settled. He or she issues the decision in writing.

You request a due process hearing by filing a due process complaint that must contain specific information ( 77), with a copy sent to the state department of education. Within 15 days, your school system must convene a resolution meeting between you, as parents, and relevant members of the IEP team. The purpose of the meeting is for you to discuss your due process complaint, which gives the school system the opportunity to resolve the dispute. This resolution meeting need not be held if you and the school system agree to waive the meeting or agree to use mediation instead. ( 78)

__You can also file a written state complaint ( 79) with your state's department of education. When you file a state complaint, you must tell the state what part of the IDEA you believe the school has violated. You must also state the facts as you know them and provide copies of any documents or correspondence on the matter you may have. The state will investigate your complaint, request documents if necessary, and give a written decision.

There is a lot to know about each of these ways of resolving problems with the school. The premier source of this information is CADRE, the National Center on Dispute Resolution . Visit CADRE at:
http://www.cadreworks.org/

__Finally, if this is not your child's first IEP, you can revoke consent ( 80), in writing, for the continued provision of special education and related services to your child, even though you previously gave your consent. Once you revoke consent, the school system may no longer provide special education services to your child, and they may not try to override your revocation of consent. There are also a number of other consequences that may arise, such as how your child will be disciplined. Therefore, it is important for you to ask questions about how your child's education will be affected before revoking consent.

15. When the IEP is completely written, am I supposed to sign it?

As the IEP meeting comes to a close, you will probably be asked to sign the IEP document. Depending on the state you live in, your signature on the IEP will mean different things. In some school systems, your signature on an IEP means that you agree with the IEP. In other states, a parent's signature on the form simply means that the parent attended the IEP meeting.

There is no regulation that says you must sign the IEP immediately at the end of the meeting, or at all. If you feel the need to wait before signing the IEP, if you need to "sleep on it" or share it with your spouse/child's tutor/consultant, say so. You may wish to list specific items in the IEP that you want to think about before signing ("I'm still uncomfortable with ____, and I'd like to think about it some more"). This lets the school know where you stand and gives everyone time to think of possible solutions or compromises.

Whatever you decide, read the IEP document in its final version before signing. This is also a good time to review the list of concerns you prepared before the IEP meeting. Did the team talk about all of those items?

When all the talking is done, if you are comfortable with the IEP, go ahead and sign. If you agree with everything except one item, you can sign your agreement and add a statement about the one item you disagree with. The team can implement all of the IEP except that one item, until you do resolve it.

16. What do I do after the IEP meeting (and before the next one)?

Hurrah! You've completed your child's IEP. Now that you have a well-written IEP, you may want to schedule a follow-up meeting after a month or six weeks, so you and the rest of the team can talk about how things are going. Watching your child work at school and talking with the staff will help you keep track of your child's progress. Remember, if you ever feel that the IEP needs to be changed, you can request an IEP meeting.
Final Words
Even when you have done many IEPs, you can still forget things from one IEP to the next. So, after each meeting, jot down any thoughts you have about the IEP and the process. What did you like? What did you not like? What would you do differently next time? What will you do the same? When you are finished, store your notes in a safe place so that you can read them before the next IEP meeting.

17. Can my child's IEP be changed without holding a meeting?

Yes. If you and the school want to change your child's IEP after the annual IEP meeting, you and the school may agree not to convene an IEP meeting. Instead, you and the school will develop a written document that will amend your child's IEP. If your child's IEP is changed, all IEP team members will be informed of the changes, and if you request it, the school must give you a copy of the reviewed IEP. ( 81)

Keep in mind that developing an IEP is a learning process. With time it gets easier. Maintain your sense of humor and try to relax. When parents and schools truly work together, the process works well, and the best results for your child can be realized.

(1) "Parent" includes anyone who is legally responsible for the care and well-being of a child. This can be a guardian, grandparent, stepparent, surrogate parent, foster parent, or natural or adoptive parent. IDEA defines "parent" at 34 CFR §300.30.

(2) 34 CFR §300.7-Free appropriate public education.

(3) 34 CFR §300.8-Child with a disability.

(4) 34 CFR §300.39-Special education.

(5) 34 CFR §§300.500 - 300.537, which contain IDEA's procedural safeguards.

(6) 34 CFR §§300.320 - 300.328-Individualized Education Programs.

(7) 34 CFR §300.322, §300.323, and §300.501(b)-Parent participation; When IEPs must be in effect; Parent participation in meetings, respectively..

(8) 34 CFR §300.328-Alternate means of participation.

(9) 34 CFR §300.321-IEP team.

(10) 34 CFR §300.43(a)(1)- Transition services. A coordinated set of activities for a student with a disability designed to promote movement from school to postschool activities, including postsecondary education, vocational training, integrated or supported employment, continuing and adult education, adult services, independent living, or community participation.

(11) 34 CFR §300.321-IEP team.

(12) 34 CFR §300.322(a)-Parent participation: Public agency responsibility-general.

(13) 34 CFR §300.322(e)-Parent participation: Use of interpreters or other action, as appropriate.

(14) 34 CFR §300.322(b)-Parent participation: Information provided to parents.

(15) 34 CFR §300.503(b)-Prior written notice by the public agency; content of notice: Content of notice.

(16) 34 CFR §300.322(c)-Parent participation: Other methods to ensure parent participation.

(17) 34 CFR §300.322(d)-Parent participation: Conducting an IEP meeting without a parent in attendance.

(18) 34 CFR §300.300(b)-Parental consent: Parental consent for services.

(19) 34 CFR §300.324-Development, review, and revision of IEP.

(20) 34 CFR §300.324(a)(2)-Consideration of special factors.

(21) 34 CFR §§300.5 and 300.6-Assistive technology device; Assistive technology service, respectively.

(22) 34 CFR §300.27-Limited English proficiency.

(23) 34 CFR §300.321(c)-IEP Team: IEP Team attendance.

(24) 34 CFR §300.310-Definition of individualized education program.

(25) 34 CFR §§300.320(c) and 300.520-Definition of individualized education program; and Transfer of parental rights at age of majority, respectively.

(26) Sometimes parents pay for evaluations done by outside professionals and share them with the school. For information on an Independent Educational Evaluation (IEE) that the school system pays for, see 34 CFR §300.502.

(27) Adapted from Anderson, W., Chitwood, S., & Hayden, D. (1997). Negotiating the special education maze: A guide for parents and teachers (p. 78). Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House.

(28) Decoding means breaking apart, sounding out, figuring out.

(29) Adapted from Anderson, W., Chitwood, S., & Hayden, D. (1997). Negotiating the special education maze: A guide for parents and teachers (p. 78). Bethesda, MD: Woodbine House.

(30) See 34 CFR §300.320(a)(3)(ii).

(31) 34 CFR §300.320-Definition of individualized education program.

(32) 34 CFR §300.107-Nonacademic service.

(33) 34 CFR §300.39-Special education.

(34) 34 CFR §300.34-Related services.

(35) §300.105- Assistive technology. AT can be provided as either a related service, as special education, or as supplementary aids and services.

(36) 34 CFR §§300.42-Supplementary aids and services.

(37) 34 CFR §§300.34(a) and (c)(5)-Related services: General; and Related services: Individual related services terms defined: Medical services, respectively.

(38) 34 CFR §§300.34(b)(1)-Related services: Exception.

(41) 34 CFR §§300.320(a)(4)-Definition of individualized education program: General.

(42) 34 CFR §300.114-LRE requirements.

(43) 34 CFR §§300.320(a)(5)-Definition of individualized education program: General.

(44) 34 CFR §§300.116(e)-Placements.

(45) 34 CFR §§300.114(a)(2)-LRE requirements.

(46) 34 CFR §300.320(a)(6)-Definition of individualized education program.

(47) 34 CFR §300.320(a)(6)(i)-Definition of individualized education program.

(48) 34 CFR §300.320(a)(6)(ii)-Definition of individualized education program.

(49) 34 CFR §300.160- Participation in assessments. This section of IDEA was "reserved" when IDEA's regulations were published in August 2006. Final regulations for §300.160 were then published in the Federal Register on April 9, 2007 (Volume 72, Number 67), available online at: http://www2.ed.gov/legislation/FedRegister/finrule/2007-2/040907a.pdf

(50) 34 CFR §300.320(a)(7)-Definition of individualized education program.

(51) 34 CFR §300.106-Extended school year services.

(52) 34 CFR §300.320(a)(3)-Definition of individualized education program.

(53) 34 CFR §300.43-Transition services.

(54) 34 CFR §300.320(b)-Definition of individualized education program: Transition services.

(55) 34 CFR §300.43(a)-Transition services.

(56) 34 CFR §300.43(a)(2)-Transition services.

(57) 34 CFR §300.320(c)-Definition of individualized education program: Transfer of rights at age of majority.

(58) National Center on Secondary Education and Transition. (2002, May). Age of majority: Preparing your child to make their own choices. Minneapolis, MN: Author. Quote from page 2.

(61) 34 CFR §300.520(b)-Transfer of parental rights at age of majority: Special rule.

(62) 34 CFR §300.327-Educational placements.

(63) 34 CFR §300.114-LRE requirements.

(64) 34 CFR §300.114(a)(2)-LRE requirements.

(65) 34 CFR §300.116-Placements.

(66) Ibid.

(67) From the Department of Education's Analysis of Comments and Changes that accompanied publication of IDEA's final regulations in the Federal Register, Volume 71, Number 156, page 46588. Available online here at the CPIR.

(68) 34 CFR §300.115-Continuum of alternative placements.

(71) Adapted from: Creating Collaborative IEPs: A Handbook (Rev. ed.). (2001). Richmond, VA: Partnership for People with Disabilities, Virginia Commonwealth University.

(72) Ibid.

(73) 34 CFR §300.300(b)-Parent consent for servicess.

(74) 34 CFR §300.503-Prior notice by the public agency; content of notice.

(75) 34 CFR §300.506-Mediation.

(76) 34 CFR §§300.507, 300.508, and 300.511-Filing a due process complaint, Due process complaint, and Impartial due process hearing, respectively.

(77) 34 CFR §§300.507 and 300.508(b)-Filing a due process complaint; Due process complaint: Content of complaint.

(80) 34 CFR §300.300(b)(4)-Parental consent for services.

(81) 34 CFR §300.324(a)(4)-Development, review and revision of the IEP.

Parent Guide 12 (PA12)
3rd Edition, April 2009
A legacy resource from NICHCY

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En español | In Spanish by Theresa Rebhorn Being a parent is the most wonderful-and hardest-job in the world. If you have a child with special needs, your job is no less wonderful, but it can be more complicated. Your child's education is most likely an area of great interest to you.

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Do you need help speaking with your children about mental health? This article can help.

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Talking To Kids About Mental Illnesses

No. 84; July 2017

Kids are naturally curious and have questions about mental illness. Understanding mental illness can be challenging for adults as well as for children. Myths, confusion, and misinformation about mental illnesses can cause anxiety, strengthen stereotypes, and lead to stigma. During the past several decades, great advances have been made in the areas of diagnosis and treatment of mental illnesses. Parents can help children understand that these are real illnesses that can be treated.

When parents talk with a child about mental illness, it helps if they are knowledgeable and reasonably comfortable with the subject. Parents should have a basic understanding and answers to questions such as what are mental illnesses, who can get them, what causes them if that is known, how diagnoses are made, and what treatments are available. Some parents may have to do a little homework to be better informed. AACAP's website and the other resources listed at the end of this Facts for Families are good places to start.

When explaining to a child about how a mental illness affects a person, it may be helpful to make a comparison to a physical illness. For example, many people get sick with a cold or the flu, but only a few get really sick with something serious like pneumonia. People who have a cold are usually able to do their normal activities. However, if they get pneumonia, they will have to take medicine and may have to go to the hospital. Similarly, feelings of sadness, anxiety, worry, irritability, or sleep problems are common for most people. However, when these feelings get very strong, last for a long period of time, and begin to interfere with school, work, and relationships, it may be a sign of a mental illness that requires treatment.

Parents should be aware of their child's needs, concerns, knowledge, and experience with mental illnesses. When talking about mental illnesses, parents should:

communicate in a straightforward manner

communicate at a level that is appropriate to a child's age and development level

have the discussion when the child feels safe and comfortable

watch their child's reaction during the discussion

slow down or back up if the child becomes confused or looks upset

Considering these points will help any child to be more relaxed and understand more of the conversation. Preschool Age Children
Young children need less information and fewer details because of their more limited ability to understand. Preschool children focus primarily on things they can see. For example, they may have questions about a person who has an unusual physical appearance or who is behaving strangely. They would also be very aware of people who are crying and obviously upset, or who are yelling and angry.
School-Age Children
Older children may want more specifics. They may ask more questions, especially about friends or family with emotional or behavioral problems. Their concerns and questions are usually very straightforward such as: "Why is that person crying? Why does Daddy drink and get so mad? Why is that person talking to herself?" They may worry about their safety or the safety of their family and friends. It is important to answer their questions directly and honestly and to reassure them about their concerns and feelings.
Teenagers
Teenagers are generally capable of handling much more information and asking more specific and difficult questions. Teenagers often talk more openly with their friends and peers than with their parents. As a result, some teens may already have misinformation about mental illnesses. Teenagers respond more positively to an open dialogue which includes give and take. They are not as open or responsive when a conversation feels one-sided and like a lecture.

Talking to children about mental illness can be an opportunity for parents to provide their children with information, support, and guidance. Learning about mental illnesses can lead to improved recognition, earlier treatment, greater understanding and compassion, and decreased stigma, particularly if the child and their family is part of a culture where talking about mental illness is considered taboo.

Other sources of information include:

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP)
3615 Wisconsin Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20016
800/333-7636
www.aacap.org

American Psychiatric Association (APA)
1400 K Street, NW
Washington, DC 20005
202/682-6220
https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families

National Federation of Families for Children's Mental Health
12320 Parklawn Drive
Rockville, MD
240-403-1901
www.ffcmh.org

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI)
3803 N Fairfax Drive, Suite 100
Arlington, VA 22203
800/950-6264
www.nami.org

National Mental Health Association (NMHA)
1021 Prince Street
Alexandria, VA 22314-2971
800/969-6642
www.nmha.org

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Talking To Kids About Mental Illnesses No. 84; July 2017 Kids are naturally curious and have questions about mental illness. Understanding mental illness can be challenging for adults as well as for children. Myths, confusion, and misinformation about mental illnesses can cause anxiety, strengthen stereotypes, and lead to stigma.

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This article explains the importance of being involved in the community and how it can help children feel more connected.

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Why community connections are good for children

Children who are connected to extended family and family friends, and people in their neighbourhood and community have:

a sense of belonging to a place and community

opportunities to learn about getting along with others

people to go to when they need help

a network they can use to learn about different jobs, skills and so on.

Strong social connections can also boost your child's confidence and lead to new friendships.

Different community connections have different benefits for children.

Connections with extended family and family friends

Extended family and family friends can strengthen your child's sense of belonging. Some of these people are in your child's life because you've chosen them. Others are related to you and your child.

These people might celebrate family occasions like birthdays with your child. Or they might take an interest in your child and his achievements. For example, his grandparents might be happy for him when he wins an award at school or in sport.

Being in touch with other adults and families also helps children to see that not all families are the same. This gives your child a sense that there are lots of different values, routines and ideas in the world.

And when parents are under stress, family members or family friends might help and support your family. For example, they might pick up your child from school if you're sick or delayed.

Neighbourhood connections

Being familiar with people in the neighbourhood can help your child feel that her neighbourhood is a safe and friendly place. When you're walking or riding bikes around your local streets, just saying hello or waving to your neighbours creates this friendly feeling.

Other people your child might see or talk to in the neighbourhood include crossing guards, doctors, librarians and police officers. You could point out these people when you see them.

Connections with local organisations

Your child might be involved in organisations like sporting clubs, music or art societies, religious organisations or volunteer groups. These can give your child opportunities to build skills, follow interests and 'give back' to the community. They're also ways for you to connect with other parents.

Helping children make community connections: tips

Here are some ideas for helping your child connect with extended family, friends and people in the neighbourhood and community:

Make opportunities for trusted relatives or family friends to have time with your child. Check with your child that he's OK with this and enjoys his time with these people.

Walk or cycle to a local park and let your child play on the equipment. Being out in your neighbourhood gives you and your child the chance to meet new people.

Get involved in community events and take your child along with you. Working bees at school, community gardens, fetes and festivals give you and your child an opportunity to connect with people who are working together.

Show your child that connection is a two-way thing. When you work with others and help them, they'll do the same for you. For example, you might collect your neighbours' mail when they're on holiday and then they collect yours when you're away.

Look at photos of family and friends with your child to spark her interest in the relationships that are important to your family. You and your child could even work on a family story book together.

Role model social skills with people in your community. This can be as simple as saying 'hello', 'please' and 'thank you'. Your child will watch the way you talk with people and follow your example. And this helps your child learn how to get along with people.

Your child's safety in the community

It's essential for your child to feel safe around people in his community, and there are some adults you might not want your child to connect with.

Always meet and talk with adults who'll be in contact with your child away from home or school, and share information about them with other parents. It's also a good idea to encourage your child to tell you about adults that she's coming into contact with - for example, a new helper at her sports club. And make sure your child knows that if someone makes her feel nervous or uncomfortable, she needs to tell you about her feelings.

When your child is starting a new activity in the community, it's important to find out how the organisation will look after his safety and wellbeing. For example, you can check whether the organisation is using the National Principles for Child Safe Organisations. You should be able to get this information from the enrolment information, permission forms or organisation's website. It's also OK for you to ask.

Encourage your child to be alert and observant. When you go for walks around the neighbourhood, play a game of 'Who can you see?' 'Why are people on the street?' 'What are they doing?' You and your child will probably notice most people going about their everyday business. This helps your child to be aware of her personal safety.

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Community connections for children: friends, neighbours and local organisations

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Children who are connected to extended family and family friends, and people in their neighbourhood and community have: a sense of belonging to a place and community opportunities to learn about getting along with others people to go to when they need help a network they can use to learn about different jobs, skills and so on.

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Are you struggling to explain the importance of school attendance to your child? This resource might help.

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Tips for Families to Support School Attendance

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Tips for Families to Support School Attendance

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Here is a guide to talking to your children about some difficult topics.

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Este es un gran recurso para nuestras familias que hablan esapnol.

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Boost your family engagement program with guidance on issues related to kids' digital lives.

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Empathy vs sympathy is mentioned school-wide. Here is a helpful video to help you and your child better understand the difference between the two.

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Implicit bias is a term that is relatively new to most people. This is a wonderful resource to use if your chid asks about implicit bias.

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POV | Implicit Bias: Peanut Butter, Jelly and Racism | PBS

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What does implicit bias have to do with peanut butter?

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This website provides various ways you can advocate for and support children in the foster care system.

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Caseworkers advocate for services for individual families and help families learn to advocate for themselves and negotiate with service systems to obtain needed help. Caseworkers can also play a prominent role in empowering and advocating for families to become interdependent members of the community. Family advocacy focuses on the principles of family development, communication skills for workers, and promoting the participation of community residents and families in the design of services.

The following resources address ways to advocate for families and include State and local examples.

New Resources and Developments for Kinship Advocates
American Bar Association (2017)
Child Law Practice Today, July
Offers a list of national organizations working on behalf of kinship families and provides descriptions of each, including resources that may be useful to kinship care advocates.

Prevent, Protect & Provide: How Child Welfare Can Better Support Low-Income Families (PDF - 397 KB)
Martin & Citrin (2014)
Center for the Study of Social Policy
Presents information on the state of poor families in the child welfare system and describes how it is important for child welfare systems to consider more sustainable ways to support families' needs and help them on a long-term path of well-being. The report provides examples of ways communities have been helped and lists best practices for working with and advocating for low-income families.

Where Have We Been and Where Are We Going? A Conceptual Framework for Child Advocacy
Cascardi, Brown, Shpiegel, & Alvarez (2015)
SAGE Open
Examines the development of child advocacy as a field of study and concludes with a conceptual framework for research and higher education in child advocacy. The article outlines the history of child advocacy, discusses balancing children's rights and protection, and provides a framework for future study.

State and local examples

Child Advocates
Mobilizes court-appointed volunteers to break the cycle of child abuse and speak up for children in the child welfare system in Houston, TX, and surrounding areas.

Court Appointed Special Advocates Gurdians ad Litem for Children
Supports and promotes court-appointed volunteer advocacy so every abused or neglected child in the country can be safe, have a permanent home, and have the opportunity to thrive.

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Caseworkers advocate for services for individual families and help families learn to advocate for themselves and negotiate with service systems to obtain needed help. Caseworkers can also play a prominent role in empowering and advocating for families to become interdependent members of the community.

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This resource provides various support groups and organizations for foster parents. There are also links to child welfare advocates.

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Below is a list of groups working at the forefront of foster care, education and child/family welfare issues. Also included is a list of social networking sites, online forums, and other organizations to help you get involved in the foster care community. GROUPS Casey Family Programs: Casey Family Programs (based in Seattle, WA) is the nation's [...]

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This factsheet provides suggestions and insight for helping children adjust from foster care to adoption.

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The Tennessee Department of Child Services provides information for post-adoption support.

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Once the adoption ceremonies are over, families may still face challenges. One of the strengths of adopting through DCS is our network of support services for families and children who still need help building their bonds and improving their relationships.

The Adoption Support and Preservation Program helps adoptive parents succeed on every level by providing a statewide, seamless system that supports children and families with pre- and post-adoption services that promote permanency and also help communities nurture adoptive families. ASAP provides the following services to Tennessee families who have either made their intent to adopt known or who have already finalized adoptions through Tennessee's Department of Children's Services. Since 2004, ASAP has served approximately 4,600 children.

Among the service ASAP offers:

Individualized, in-home care

​Crisis intervention

Relief-team building to identify people who can help a family

Support groups

Adoption preparation classes

Advocacy

Community education for local mental healthcare professionals

Download an informational brochure on the DCS post-adoption support services.

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Once the adoption ceremonies are over, families may still face challenges. One of the strengths of adopting through DCS is our network of support services for families and children who still need help building their bonds and improving their relationships.

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Resources provided by the state to report any suspicions of child maltreatment and abuse.

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In Case of Emergency and Life-Threatening Situation Call 9-1-1

Call the Child Abuse Hotline to report child abuse or neglect in the State of Tennessee.

877-237-0004

Reports also can be made online on our secure site.

Direct link: https://apps.tn.gov/carat/

Our trained case managers will guide Hotline callers through a series of questions. Callers do not have to know all the details of the abuse or neglect. The Hotline case managers use the information you provide to determine the severity of the situation and how best to intervne.

Download an information poster with the hotline number you can display in your school, business, or church.

Spanish version: Information Poster

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Call the Child Abuse Hotline to report child abuse or neglect in the State of Tennessee. Reports also can be made online on our secure site. Direct link: https://apps.tn.gov/carat/ Our trained case managers will guide Hotline callers through a series of questions. Callers do not have to know all the details of the abuse or neglect.

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Web MD provides information about child abuse and what to look out for. Reporting suspected child abuse if the first step to helping these children.

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When you think of child abuse, your first thought may be of a child with bruises or other marks that raise red flags. But the signs aren't always so clear. Abuse can be physical, sexual, or emotional. Or a child may be neglected, meaning their caregivers don't provide for basic needs, like food or safety.

What makes abuse even harder to stop is that most of the time, the abuser is someone the child knows. They may be reluctant to say something because they may want to protect that person or they are afraid of what the abuser will do if they speak up.

It's important to know how to recognize different types of abuse, and what you can do if you suspect it.

Child abuse happens when someone harms a child's body or emotional health, development, and well-being. There are 4 main types.

Physical abuse means that someone hurts a child's body or puts them in physical danger. It doesn't matter if the child gets seriously hurt or if it leaves a mark. Any harm is abuse. It includes when someone:

Burns a child

Hits, kicks, or bites

Holds the child under water

Shakes or throws the child

Throws objects at the child

Ties up the child

Sexual abuse is any kind of sexual activity with a child, not just physical contact. It includes when someone:

Forces a child to take part in pornographic pictures or videos

Has any sexual contact with the child, from kissing in a sexual way to having sex

Makes phone calls or sends emails, texts, or other messages that are sexual in any way

Shows the child someone else's genitals, as with "flashing"

Shows pornography

Tells "dirty" jokes or stories

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviors that harm a child's emotional well-being and development. This can mean when someone:

Abuses others when the child is around, such as a parent, brother, sister, or pet

Fails to show love and affection

Ignores the child and doesn't give emotional support and guidance

Shames, belittles, criticizes, or embarrasses

Teases, threatens, bullies, or yells

Neglect is when a caregiver doesn't give the child basic care and protection, such as:

Clothing

Food

Heat in cold weather

Housing with clean living conditions

Medical care

Neglect is also when someone leaves the child alone for long stretches of time or under dangerous conditions.

Other types of child abuse include:

Parental substance abuse. This happens when adults neglect or harm children through the use of drugs or alcohol. It includes situations like:

A parent not able to care for a child because they're high on drugs or alcohol

Giving illegal drugs or alcohol to a child

Making methamphetamine (meth) while a child is around

A pregnant woman's abuse of drugs or alcohol, which exposes her baby to these substances

Medical neglect or abuse. A child is medically neglected when their caregivers don't provide them with needed medical or mental health treatment. Medical abuse is a rare situation in which a caregiver lies about a child's symptoms or harms them to try to get unnecessary medical attention. It's also called Munchausen syndrome by proxy.

Abandonment. Many states consider this a form of child neglect. It happens when a parent leaves a child with no support or concern for their well-being, or when the parent's location is unknown.

Human trafficking. This is basically a type of slavery. Children are trafficked when they're used for prostitution or pornography, or to beg, sell drugs, or work long hours for little pay.

Abuse can be hard to recognize. Kids can get cuts and bruises or show signs of stress for lots of reasons that are a normal part of childhood. So it helps to know specific signs to look for, and trust your gut as you look at the whole picture of the child's physical and emotional health.

Signs of physical abuse may include:

Bruises, welts, or other injuries that can't be explained or don't match with the child's story

Burns, especially from cigarettes, that can't be explained

Injury marks that have a pattern, like from a hand, belt, or other objects

Injuries that are at different stages of healing

Medical or dental issues that go untreated

Kids who've been physically abused may also:

Avoid any kind of touch or physical contact

Be afraid to go home

Seem to always be on high alert

Wear clothing that doesn't match the weather -- such as long sleeves on hot days -- to cover up bruises

Withdraw from friends and activities

Signs of sexual abuse may include:

Avoiding a certain person for no clear reason

Bloody, torn, or stained underwear

Bruising or bleeding around the genitals

Pain or itching around the genitals that might cause problems walking or sitting

Pregnancy or STDs, especially for children under 14 years old

Refusing to change clothes in front of others

Running away from home

Sexual activity or knowledge that people usually have only when they're older

Signs of emotional abuse may include:

Constant worry about doing something wrong

Speech problems or delays in learning and emotional development

Depression and low self-esteem

Doing poorly in school

Extreme behavior, such as being way too obedient or way too demanding

Headaches and stomachaches with no clear cause

The child doesn't seem close to a parent or caregiver

Showing little interest in friends and activities

Signs of neglect may include:

Always looking dirty

Being left alone or in the care of other young children

Eating more than usual at a meal or saving food for later

Missing a lot of school

Poor weight gain and growth

Doesn't get medical, dental, or mental health care (medical neglect)

You may see the same signs of neglect in children whose parents or caregivers abuse alcohol or other drugs.

Signs of child trafficking could include:

Missing school often

Running away from home

Sudden changes in style of dress or relationships

Has an older "boyfriend" or "girlfriend"

They talk about needing to pay off a debt

They often care for children who aren't members of their family

Their responses to questions seem rehearsed

If you suspect child abuse, it's important to report it. It isn't a private matter or a family problem. A child's physical and emotional well-being, and maybe even their life, could be at stake.

You don't need proof to report abuse. If you suspect it, call your local child protective services, police, a hospital, or a hotline, such as the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-422-4453. You don't have to give your name.

If you suspect child trafficking, call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888.

Depending on the situation, there are many ways you can help the child:

If they need medical care right away, call 911.

Take the child to the hospital -- it's a haven for abused children. Doctors can check for signs of abuse and give medical care.

Help the child stay safe. If you think someone like a babysitter or day-care worker has abused your child, keep the child away from them and contact police. If you suspect a parent or caregiver, supervise the child while they're around that person.

If the abuse happened at school, tell the principal about it. But report it to your local or state child protection agency, too.

Help the child get therapy to start healing the emotional damage of the abuse.

Encourage the child to talk to you about what happened. But don't make it an interrogation. Focus on listening.

Make sure they feel supported and know this is not their fault.

It's best to not confront the abuser yourself. Instead, contact police or a child protection agency and let them handle it.

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There are many types of child abuse, and the signs aren't always clear. WebMD shows you how to recognize child abuse and what to do if you suspect it.

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State website provides wonderful ways to help foster families.

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How Your Community Group Can Help & Volunteer

Churches, communities of faith, civic groups and volunteers are an important part of the network of community partnerships that help protect children, develop youth, strengthen families and build safe communities. Certified volunteers are valued at the Department of Children's Services as additional resources that enhance programs and help provide non-formal services for the children and families served by the department. Volunteers are trained and offer support in any area of the department where there are identified needs.

Assist a family with chores, home repairs, car repairs, etc.

Sponsor special events such as holiday parties

Offer to support Tennessee foster parent associations

Provide items needed to support a kinship or foster placement -- things such as beds, cribs, clothing, etc.

Become a volunteer or facilitator at a visitation site

Become a mentor, coach, or tutor through a structured, DCS-approved established entity, organization or congregation.

To learn how individuals or faith based groups can learn more about supporting TNFosters, please contact: Tennessee Kids Belong
Tennessee Alliance for Children and Families keeps an online list of private member agencies that have volunteer and mentorship programs.

Connect with DCS Resource Linkage

DCS Resource Linkage coordinators actively and regularly connect with individuals and community groups to share information about how local child welfare initiatives are working and identify ways to address any areas of need.

Resource Linkage staff also focus on specific needs of families whose children are at risk of coming into care.

These staffers know who to call on if a family needs bedding, or a home repair or quick help. Resource Linkage staff also seek individuals who can sponsor children for a summer camp or connect a youth with a mentor.

Resource Linkage is a valuable way for individuals to share their energy and resources with children and families in their own communities.

Support in Action

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Churches, communities of faith, civic groups and volunteers are an important part of the network of community partnerships that help protect children, develop youth, strengthen families and build safe communities. Certified volunteers are valued at the Department of Children's Services as additional resources that enhance programs and help provide non-formal services for the children and families served by the department.

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The state of Tennessee offers steps to becoming a foster parent.

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When children are not able to stay safely in their own homes and there isn't a relative who can care for them, they often have to come into state custody. The department's first goal for children is to work toward a safe return home to their families.

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The World Health Organization provides the definition of child maltreatment and the consequences of. It is a great resource to use when researching towards prevention.

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WHO fact sheet on child maltreatment providing key facts and information on the scope of the problem, consequences, prevention and WHO response.

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This article focuses on the top 5 traits of a good foster parent to children in need.

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The Top 5 Traits Of A Good Foster Parent

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Choosing to foster a child is a selfless act that changes your life forever. Inviting a new child into your home may lead to jealousy issues for children who already live there. It could mean daily arguments with an unruly teenager who wants to push boundaries, or sleepless nights soothing a crying baby.

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Kids Matter provides information on emotional abuse in children and how we can help them.

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What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that hurts a child's emotional, psychological and social development and sense of self worth. This may include constant criticism, threats, withholding affection, and negligence. If a child is being physically or sexually abused, he or she may be emotionally abused as well.

How do you recognize emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse may not be recognized by physical signs, but a child will react very strongly through their emotions. The list below describes some of the signs an emotionally abused child may display:

Low self-esteem

Severe depression

aggression

Withdrawal

Severe anxiety

What should I do if I suspect a child is being emotionally abused?

Emotional abuse is hard to identify as it leaves no physical signs. Emotional abuse may include not allowing the child to attend school, isolation and unreasonable expectations. Do your best to support the child and be on the lookout for any signs of other types of abuse. If a child is showing signs of emotional abuse, he or she may be experiencing physical or sexual abuse.

Helping a child heal
Children and adults who have been emotionally abused need the validation and support of other people to build their self-esteem and teach them to form healthy relationships. Friends and family can help by:

Reminding the child that he/she is important and deserves love

Modeling appropriate behaviors

Engaging the child in activities he or she is good at and enjoys

Helping the child meet and make friends with other children his or her own age

Listening to the child and making him or her feel respected

This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Kids Matter Inc.

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Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that hurts a child's emotional, psychological and social development and sense of self worth. This may include constant criticism, threats, withholding affection, and negligence. If a child is being physically or sexually abused, he or she may be emotionally abused as well.

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Tips and suggestions for teaching your child about poverty and homelessness.

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"Mom, why is that person sleeping on the sidewalk?" "Dad, why does Jonah wear the same clothes at school every day?"

Many parents struggle with how to respond to these common questions without an easy answer. If you're one of these parents, you're not alone. Talking to children about important social issues like homelessness and poverty can leave even the most experienced parents stumped. At Wellspring, we've received many requests from teachers, parents and guardians in our community, seeking guidance on how to navigate these complex issues with children of all ages.

We're pleased to share the following guide, compiled by Nancy Owen, a Wellspring Counseling therapist, to help you turn these big questions into teachable moments.

At this age, children are quite literal, so your discussions with them need to be simple and to the point. To effectively explain such a complex subject:

1. Wait for your child to bring it up. If you encounter a homeless person, your child may have questions, and this is a good opportunity to teach them.

2. Express empathy and sadness for the person. By emphasizing how you feel sad that some people don't have a place to live, you provide an opportunity for children to understand the importance of recognizing others' hardships while modeling empathy.

3. Provide a simple explanation to their question. We've all been asked questions by small children about our homeless neighbors (Why? How come?) It's best to respond with an answer that a small child can understand, i.e. "Some people don't have enough money to pay for a house."

4. Avoid discussing additional components such as mental illness or disability. Unless your child has specifically asked, adding in this layer will only confuse a young child.

5. Encourage your child to discuss how to help. At this age, donating toys or picking-out items to give to a nonprofit may make more of an impact than donating money, which may be too abstract for some young children. That said, depending on your level of involvement, it may be appropriate to provide opportunities for your children to give through family activities like hosting a donation drive, or collecting donations in lieu of birthday gifts or holiday gifts.

6. Assure your child that there are options for those struggling with homelessness. Young children may have feelings of sadness or worry after hearing that some children don't have a place to live. Assure them that there are organizations who help homeless people find places to live, and reassure them of their own safety and security.

School-aged children are becoming more interested in the world around them and have the capacity for a deeper understanding about homelessness and poverty. They are likely to have more questions and want to really get involved.

1. Try to gauge what your child understands by asking them to explain what 'homeless' and 'poor' mean to them. This provides an opportunity for an interactive discussion, rather than a lecture, and will keep them engaged.

2. Prepare messages you can convey to your child on the spot, such as appropriate responses to interacting with people who are homeless, and ways your family can be involved with helping those in need.

3. Be aware that your physical cues are as important as your verbal ones. A child will pick up on any negative feelings you convey each time you encounter a homeless or mentally-ill person on the street, and will subconsciously learn to emit those feelings without understanding why.

4. Encourage empathy by talking about your own feelings and having a discussion about what a homeless person might be feeling. With older children, you can begin talking about some bigger issues that can relate to homelessness and poverty such as mental illness and addictions.

5. Don't avoid questions. Use their curiosity as an opportunity to create a conversation around homelessness and poverty. Watching the news or reading the newspaper together may spark conversations and questions, as may walking around in urban areas where you are likely to see homeless people. It is important to address any questions your child may have to emphasize that it is a significant topic that should be discussed.

6. Talk with your child about your own personal responses. For example, if you don't give directly to people asking for money on the street but instead choose to donate to a nonprofit, explain to your child about your reasons for doing so in a positive manner (e.g. "There are several nonprofit organizations that provide services to help homeless people get what they need, so that's why we support places like the YWCA, Wellspring, Seattle Union Gospel Mission, YouthCare, etc.")

7. Address your child's concerns by becoming more proactive. One of the best qualities children have is their ability to become immediately inspired to help others less fortunate. Helping your child identify and connect to a cause they care about is a great next step. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's Visitor Center typically hosts several events for children and youth throughout the year to learn more about how they can make a difference in their community, and is a great resource for exactly this purpose.

8. Encourage your child to take action on their concerns. Once your child has identified a cause they care about, there are numerous ways for them to take action, from volunteering, to donating new or no longer-used toys, to saving a portion of their allowance to donate to their organization of choice. For example, Wellspring's child philanthropy program, Kids Helping Kids, provides an opportunity for children to give back in a meaningful way, and see the tangible impact of their donation when they drop off their coin jar at Wellspring (more info at www.kidshelpingkidsseattle.org). Volunteering as a family is another excellent way to continue the conversation and develop a lifelong habit of giving back.

Nancy Owen is a therapist at the Bellevue branch of Wellspring Counseling with more than 20 years of experince working with adults, couples, and parent-infant pairs from diverse backgrounds.

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14 Ways to Effectively Explain Homelessness and Poverty to Your Child

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"Mom, why is that person sleeping on the sidewalk?" "Dad, why does Jonah wear the same clothes at school every day?" Many parents struggle with how to respond to these common questions without an easy answer. If you're one of these parents, you're not alone.

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Ways to connect with your foster child.

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Talking points for teaching your child about adoption.

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When you are a parent, you are responsible for teaching your children many things - how to use a spoon, how to get dressed, how to brush your teeth, how to ride a bike. The list goes on. But along with teaching them hundreds of day-to-day skills, you also need to teach them social skills as well - how to use kind words, how to show compassion, how to help others. This list goes on, too.

Social skills can be more difficult to teach. As a parent, one of the biggest worries is whether or not your child is kind toward others. We often forget that children aren't born with a built-in sense of respect for others. We have to nurture their deference for people from all different walks of life, including families who are formed through adoption.

Odds are high that your child will meet an adopted child at school, sports practices, or church at some point. Children are naturally curious, and that is fine. Parents can avoid the awkward (although innocent) questions that may pop out of their child's mouth by teaching them how to be accepting and more understanding of different types of families.

Here are some talking points:

Adoption is one of the many ways in which a family is made. A child is not an "adopted child"; she or he is a child, who came home to her or his family through the legal means of adoption.

Adopted children do not always look the same as their parents. The love they have for each other makes them feel the same. They are still real families.

Adoptive parents love their children the same way as biological parents. Because a child was placed for adoption doesn't mean their birth parents didn't love them. They loved their child so much that they made sure they had parents who could give them a better life than they could provide at the time.

Being adopted is not something that is shameful or wrong. No child should be teased for being adopted. Some questions can be seen as nosey, so suggest your child ask an adult first, and they may be able to provide an answer.

Siblings are "real" because they are part of the same family.

Adoptive parents are "mom and dad." The person who gave birth to a child is the birth mom.

When in doubt, books are a fantastic resource to help explain adoption to children.

No matter how you explain adoption to your children, it is a step toward raising compassionate and tolerant kids. Adoptive parents and young adoptees will appreciate it.

Share to let every parent know that they should teach their children about adoption before they meet a child who was adopted!

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What Every Parent Should Teach Their Kids About Adoption

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When you are a parent, you are responsible for teaching your children many things - how to use a spoon, how to get dressed, how to brush your teeth, how to ride a bike. The list goes on.

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Tips on fostering more than one child (siblings).

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Social workers usually make a strong effort to keep siblings together, especially if their case is likely to move toward adoption. There is always a need for families who are interested in and willing to learn about fostering a sibling group.

Fostering siblings can be great for both the kids and parents, but it helps for foster parents to go in with their eyes open and to have realistic expectations on the work involved. Blending several foster children into a home with biological or adopted children already in the home is hard work, but it can be done.

1. Be patient. Forming attachment with each child in the sibling unit takes effort and individual time with each child.

2. While it is critical to spend this time with each child when they first join your family, you will feel like you have zero extra time in your life to give.

3. Lower your expectations for what you will be able to accomplish, outside of parenting, for the early days and weeks of fostering a sibling group.

4. Line up support from friends and family for tasks such as housecleaning, laundry, yard work, cooking, etc.

5. Line up therapists and other professionals the children may need as soon as you have their information available to you. For help finding adoption-competent therapists, consider this Creating a Family resource: A Guide to Selecting an Adoption or Foster Therapist.

6. Be up front with your social worker before placements are offered to your family about what type of behaviors you cannot handle. Do not be afraid to say that you cannot or do not want to handle some behaviors.

7. Do not expect the siblings to all transition into your family or process their experiences, or to behave the same once they are in a safe environment.

8. Involve your biological and/or adopted children who are already in the home to help anticipate what will be new for the newly adopted kids and brainstorm ways they can make the transition easier.

9. Try to plan a fun family activity each week that you can enjoy together. There is nothing like having fun together to build the bonds of trust, security and love. These activities will also help to blend the children already in the home with the sibling group. This activity should not cost much and should be something that you genuinely look forward to. Check out this Best Parenting Advice Ever (and it's not what you think).

10. Be very careful with supervision and limit the time that children spend alone without parental supervision, particularly if there are younger children already in the home. You may not know all the types of abuse the children may have been exposed to.

11. Recognize that the children will likely grieve what they have lost before they are able to celebrate what they have gained. You know that your child is better off with you in your safe and comfortable home, but your child likely will not know that at first. Read What Every Foster Parent Should Know - 8 Losses Foster Kids Feel to help you understand their grief and be safe for them to process it.

12. Be aware that the holidays might prove particularly challenging - especially the first one or two significant holidays that the children are in your home. Each child in the sibling group has his or her own unique sensory preferences and needs that will come to light when triggered. This post on 8 Tips to Manage Sensory Disorders at the Holidays can be a useful tool for managing those triggers.

Image credit: jenkinson2455 (left); courosa (right), Image credit: Victor Tristan

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Essential Tips for Fostering a Sibling Group

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Social workers usually make a strong effort to keep siblings together, especially if their case is likely to move toward adoption. There is always a need for families who are interested in and willing to learn about fostering a sibling group.

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How to best support children that have experienced abuse and trauma.

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December 1992/January 1993 | Volume 50 | Number 4
Students at Risk Pages 42-47

Thelma Bear, Sherry Schenk and Lisa Buckner

Our varied roles as therapist, educator, school psychologist, school bus driver, student, and administrator have provided us with the experience and education on which this article is based. This is a new field, an area in which all of us are searching for facts, understanding, and ways to help those who have been and continue to be abused. The combined perspectives we share from personal, professional, and academic experiences have added to our knowledge in ways that have been valuable to us as people who care a great deal about children.

Probably no adult is more trusted by children who have been abused than a beloved and caring teacher. Teachers have an opportunity afforded few adults to identify abused children and to start a process that will restore safety in the child's world. However, many teachers have not been adequately prepared to deal with the complex social issues that have so strongly affected abused children. We want to give teachers a knowledge base about child abuse, describe possible interventions, and communicate an understanding of the emotional issues involved.

Survivors' Voices

Before I started kindergarten, I knew that I could not believe what people said. My father would say, "I know you like this," as he touched me in sexual ways that I did not like or that caused great physical pain. My early years were a real struggle. Because I could not trust what I heard, it was hard to learn sound-letter associations, memorize isolated facts, or learn anything I had heard and not seen.

The messages I received from my perpetrators were intended to prevent my telling what they were doing to me. To keep the horrible secret I learned to be silent, and the silence became my prison. I felt that I was the only child who had ever experienced such bad things. I thought I was so bad that I should separate myself from everyone. It was lonely.

Since I felt I could not talk, I did all kinds of quiet acting out in the hope that someone would notice that something was terribly wrong in my life. My behaviors were either ignored or I was told to behave, to be a good girl. During 3rd and 4th grade, I repeatedly sawed on or cut my wrist with a little knife. I wore bizarre clothing, laughed excessively, and withdrew from others.

Today I am a school psychologist. I have overcome the academic hurdles, but I continue to experience some of the emotional pain of abuse.

-Sherry Schenk

The messages about my abuse were also intended to keep me quiet, to protect my perpetrators. I was quiet and shy, but I would also do daring things with little regard for my physical safety. They called me "accident prone." I was told I was crazy and that if I ever told, "someone" would take me away and I would never see anyone in my family again ... or I would be killed. These were terrifying threats to me.

I was a very good student, usually at the top of my class. Looking back now, I was afraid to be anything but perfect. I was afraid of what would happen at home. School became a safe haven, and I worked hard to keep it that way by staying silent about my abuse. I remember more than once trying to get teachers to take me home with them.

I am currently a school bus driver and enjoy daily contact with children in a less-structured environment. When I see symptoms of child abuse, I report what I hear and observe. I would always rather err on the side of the child. I would rather make the report than to ignore what I know.

-Lisa Buckner

In 1987, when I was asked to facilitate groups for survivors of abuse at a University Counseling Center, I knew little about the incidence or results of abuse. The frequency of women who had been abused as children was much greater than we had thought. We soon had 4 groups and more than 50 names on a waiting list. I learned about the tremendous cost of keeping the family secret. I learned of the emotional pain that can result from feeling different. As an educator I was appalled at my previous lack of awareness of the consequences of abuse. I vowed to somehow assist in giving a voice to those survivors who can teach us what it was to live with abuse and how to help today's children.

-Thelma Bear

The Incidence of Child Abuse

Although the statistics are overwhelming, professionals in the mental health field generally accept that the incidence of child abuse is much greater than that reported.

In 1979, Geiser advised that 200,000 children were sexually abused each year with victims as young as two months. "Nightline's" Forrest Sawyer (1989) stated that 2 million cases of child abuse are reported in the United States every year. In its newsletter, the National Organization for Victims' Assistance (1989) indicated that 2.2 million children are reported physically or sexually abused each year. Many cases are closed after a cursory investigation; many cases remain unreported.

Of the cases reported, many are young children. Among Blume's (1990) statistics were:

35 percent of all reported child sex abuse cases in 1988 were of girls under 6.

Dr. Michael Durfee of the Los Angeles Department of Health Services reported in 1984 that more sexual abuse was reported on 2-year-olds than any other age group; 3- and 4-year-olds were next.

Kantrowitz (1988) gave the following numbers:

More than 2 million cases of child abuse were reported in 1986, compared with 669,000 in 1976.

More than 1,200 children die each year through child abuse and neglect.

Parents who were abused as children were six times more likely to abuse their own children.

Goodwin (1982) reported that:

5 to 20 percent of psychiatric outpatients were women who had experienced incest.

4 out of 10 mothers of children who died of physical abuse were incest victims.

According to Butler (1978), a much greater incidence of incest occurred among affluent, middle-, and upper-class families than was reported. Of reported sexual abuse, she asserted that 75 percent of the incidents were committed by someone the child trusted. Butler (1978) added that:

One-half to three-fourths of adult male sexual offenders had been sexually abused.

Sexual abuse was one of three reasons children ran away from home.

In a questionnaire sent to 1,800 college students, one-third indicated that they had been sexually abused.

Research on child abuse is a fairly recent development. Only in the last two decades has the subject appeared in professional journals. It is urgent that all personnel in public schools become educated and make every effort to break the continuing cycle of abuse.

Types of Abuse

How is child abuse defined? The Colorado Department of Education (1988) describes four types:

1. Physical abuse: nonaccidental physical injury to a child. Examples include slapping, shaking, hitting, kicking, burning, pushing, smothering, restraining (physical or chemical), and torture (may be related to ritualistic abuse and/or satanic worship). A few forms of abuse may be attributed to lack of knowledge on the part of the parent-for instance, neurological damage can result from shaking a child. Physical abuse should be suspected if the following are present: bruises, burns, broken bones, and/or internal injuries. Further, a child who appears fearful or who startles easily may be the victim of abuse.

2. Emotional maltreatment: the constant belittling and rejecting of a child, the absence of a positive emotional atmosphere. Examples include verbal abuse, inadequate or inappropriate parenting, and neglect. Any of these can destroy a child's self-esteem and weaken self-concept. The "failure to thrive" syndrome is an example of the results of emotional maltreatment. Delays in emotional development and immature behavior may indicate emotional neglect.

3. Physical neglect: failure on the part of the child's caretaker to provide adequate food, clothing, shelter, or supervision. The extreme form of neglect is abandonment of a child with no regard or concern for his or her welfare.

4. Sexual abuse: sexual exploitation, molestation, or prostitution of a child (p. 1). Sgroi, Porter, and Blick (1982) define child sexual abuse as a sexual act imposed on a child who lacks the emotional, maturational, and cognitive development to understand what is happening and to protect him- or herself. Sexual abuse may be overt or covert. Examples of overt abuse include unwanted touching of any part of the body, such as hugs or kisses presented as innocent signs of affection. More obvious examples include any penetration of the body with objects or body parts. Unexplained infections or diseases and external or internal injuries are symptoms that require investigation for the possibility of sexual abuse.

Covert sexual abuse is more difficult to recognize. Since this type of abuse does not include physical contact, the perpetrator may rationalize the behavior as innocent. Examples may include voyeurism, asking the child to watch inappropriate sexual behaviors, invading the child's privacy, and/or behaving in a seductive manner toward the child.

Most adults who have not been abused would rather not accept the reality of the number of children who have been abused. Many prefer to think of physical injury, terrorizing, and psychological torture as atrocities that only happen to hostages imprisoned in foreign countries. They do not want to accept that these abominations occur to nearly 2.7 million children in this country ("Study Finds ..." 1992). Figure 1 lists physical and behavioral indicators of these four types of abuse.

Figure 1

unexplained bruises (in various stages of healing), welts, human bite marks, bald spots

unexplained burns, especially cigarette burns or immersion-burns (glove-like)

unexplained fractures, lacerations, or abrasions

self-destructive

withdrawn and aggressive-behavioral extremes

uncomfortable with physical contact

arrives at school early or stays late as if afraid

chronic runaway (adolescents)

complains of soreness or moves uncomfortably

wears clothing inappropriate to weather, to cover body

abandonment

unattended medical needs

consistent lack of supervision

consistent hunger, inappropriate dress, poor hygiene

lice, distended stomach, emaciated

regularly displays fatigue or listlessness, falls asleep in class

steals food, begs from classmates

reports that no caretaker is at home

frequently absent or tardy

self-destructive

school dropout (adolescents)

torn, stained, or bloodied underclothing

pain or itching in genital area

difficulty walking or sitting

bruises or bleeding in external genitalia

venereal disease

frequent urinary or yeast infections

withdrawn, chronic depression

excessive seductiveness

role reversal, overly concerned for siblings

poor self-esteem, self-devaluation, lack of confidence

peer problems, lack of involvement

massive weight change

suicide attempts (especially adolescents)

hysteria, lack of emotional control

sudden school difficulties

inappropriate sex play or premature understanding of sex

threatened by physical contact, closeness

promiscuity

Emotional Maltreatment

speech disorders

delayed physical development

substance abuse

ulcers, asthma, severe allergies

habit disorders (sucking, rocking)

antisocial, destructive

neurotic traits (sleep disorders, inhibition of play)

passive and aggressive-behavioral extremes

delinquent behavior (especially adolescents)

developmentally delayed

A Safe Classroom Environment

There is no escape for children caught in a world where silence often seems the only way to survive. And there is no escape from confronting the issues for those who work with children. Teachers who educate themselves about abuse will find many opportunities to support children who have neither the experience nor the maturity to unravel the turmoil they face.

Although the academic environment is structured for learning, the ability to learn is dependent on a child's arriving at school with basic needs met. Children who have been abused have had the basic requirements for healthy development withheld and violated. Getting physiological needs met, as well as those for safety, belonging, trust, and love, maximizes the child's development as a learner. The classroom teacher has the opportunity to provide an environment where the child can begin to succeed and recognize that he or she is capable and valued.

The most important ingredient in a safe classroom is the teacher's attitude toward students. The most crucial belief a teacher must have is that the child is not to blame. There is nothing that a child can do to prevent or stop the abuse. The discrepancy between the power of a child and that of an adult is too great. However, it is important to remember that these children are strong. They have developed coping mechanisms that have helped them to survive traumatic experiences. An accepting, caring attitude by the teacher will allow the child to trust enough to make the first steps toward developing a saner life.

Each of us needs a personal space into which others do not intrude without permission (Blume 1990). Victimized children have not learned that it is okay to say no, nor do they know how it feels to have personal and physical space honored. The teacher should help an abused child to set healthy boundaries and to know that he or she will be respected. Before the child can believe in his or her ability to set personal boundaries, he or she may need to be taught to trust personal judgments, feelings, and perceptions (Blume 1990).

Part of establishing healthy boundaries is understanding that confidentiality within the school is honored by staff and students. If a student confides in classmates and teachers, the information must be handled with great care in order to protect the vulnerability of the child. At times, the disclosure of information about the abuse may be unintentional. Some of the ways the secret may accidentally be disclosed are observations by the teacher or others, physical injuries or conditions discovered in a doctor's examination, and/or inappropriate sexual behaviors by the child (Sgroi et al. 1982).

To offer support, the teacher must, first, be approachable. If an abused child begins to tell what is happening, positive body language will encourage the child to continue. The teacher must also watch for cues about how to respond. The child may either want to be comforted physically or may not want to be touched. At this point, it is more important to actively listen than to comment or ask questions. Listening to those who will talk is important; however, some students will be unable to share verbally what is happening. In these instances, the teacher must be observant. The indicators listed in Figure 1 may help teachers in attempting to decide if abuse should be suspected.

Drawings, too, may provide clues to students who have been sexually abused. Hillman and Solek-Tefft (1988) list five themes to ask a child about if they are drawn repeatedly: stark sexual images, phallic symbols, general symbols (broken hearts, rain, black skies), self-image distortions, and general confusion (p. 107).

Girls and boys who have been abused attempt both to keep the secret of what is happening and to control the emotional turmoil they feel inside. As a result, the child may act out, or he or she may become the epitome of the "good" child. Both of these behaviors may disguise the problem. A child who behaves as a perfect student may be seen as having no problems, while acting out may cover the real issues, making the child appear to be the problem. Teachers should listen to their gut response to a child, particularly if that feeling is based on a suspicion that something is wrong.

Occasionally a child will spontaneously disclose an episode of abuse. Although a teacher may doubt the story, it is vitally important to believe the child (Besharov 1990). The child is taking a significant step in trusting the teacher enough to tell what is happening. To betray that trust would repeat the betrayal experienced when an adult abused the child and failed to serve as a protector. Even though the explanation may be fragmented, teachers should listen supportively and ask open-ended questions to fill in gaps. Sometimes after telling the secret, the child may recant the story due to fear, threats, or acceleration of the abuse (Sgroi et al. 1982). Most experts agree that children do not have the ability or knowledge to make up complex lies, especially lies related to adult sexual behavior (Besharov 1990, Conerly 1986, Crewdson 1988).

How to Support an Abused Child

In addition to creating a safe classroom environment, there are other ways teachers can help support an abused child. Most of these behaviors and attitudes are familiar ones.

1. Expectations. Teachers can honor the strength and courage of these children by having high expectations for them. Emotionality may interfere with thinking; therefore, it is important to set reasonable goals and to provide the support needed for the child to feel confident in his or her abilities. School can be a place where children rebuild their self-esteem, assert themselves, and see themselves as successful.

2. Structure. Abused children may feel powerless to control much in their environment. To cope, they may: (a) refuse to even try to control what happens around them; (b) strive to manipulate everything they can by bossing peers and controlling belongings; and (c) express disproportionate feelings whenever they feel threatened. When these children fly off the handle with little provocation, they may be doing so to try to establish control. To help the child feel a sense of control in a positive manner, teachers should give accurate information and build trust. Allowing expression of feelings when appropriate through art, music, drama, and/or creative writing will also help the child to feel less controlled by pent-up emotion.

3. Identity. Children who have been abused in ways that met an adult's needs and denied the child's needs have little sense of personal identity. Teachers can help by pointing out the child's strengths. Statements such as "You are a hard worker," "You are a good friend when you help a classmate with a problem," and "People in this classroom like you because you are fun to be with" will help the child understand how others perceive him or her. Teachers can also help abused children gain a sense of personal identity by asking questions that help them formulate a position on issues, administering interest inventories, and teaching decision-making and problem-solving skills. These skills will assist in interpersonal relationships as well as in self-understanding.

4. Self-esteem. Abused children have little self-esteem. Teachers can help them learn that they are valued, accepted, and capable by fostering an environment that honors each child's uniqueness. Valuing differences will enable children to begin to see themselves as having something to contribute that others appreciate. With each successful completion of a classroom task, the child's sense of competency will be fostered.

5. Sense of belonging. Abused children think they did something wrong and that they are bad. Because they have kept a secret from everyone, they assume there is a reason for them to be isolated from others. To facilitate a sense of belonging, the teacher may provide designated places for possessions, display work in the classroom, and make a conscious attempt to include these children in classroom activities. Support through teaching social skills individually, in small group settings, and through cooperative learning will also help abused children practice interacting in a nonthreatening atmosphere.

6. Social skills. Because abused children have not learned to listen to their inner selves, they may focus on pleasing and meeting the needs of others while neglecting their own needs. Having been introduced to the adult world through an abusive relationship, the child may have learned inappropriate behaviors and language. The child may feel unworthy to interact on an equal basis with others and may fear rejection. A classroom climate that fosters caring, appreciation for differences, consistent rules and boundaries, and recognition for small successes will nurture a child who has been discounted at home.

7. Tolerance of differences. Because each child will respond in a unique way to abuse, classroom behaviors may be variable. Some of the feelings an abused child may experience are anxiety, guilt, embarrassment, depression, anger, and resolution (Hillman and Solek-Tefft 1988). The checklist (fig. 1) may help teachers identify emotions and behaviors that might be explained by abuse. Consultation with a school psychologist, social worker, counselor, or nurse may also help teachers understand unexplainable behaviors and emotions of their students.

8. Consistency. Teachers can support a child's need for structure by maintaining a consistent daily schedule, by having clear expectations for performance in both behavioral and affective areas, and by allowing the child to provide structure in his or her own way. A child's need for structure can restrict the depth of his or her encounter with the world. Teachers may respond to this need by encouraging risk-taking in ways that will encourage success and personal worth.

Although teachers are not responsible for investigation of child abuse, they are legally obligated to report suspected abuse. When abuse is suspected, the teacher can compare the child's behaviors with those of other students at the same developmental level, review the child's past and present behaviors, and refer to indicators such as those listed in Figure 1. To report any suspicions, the teacher should contact the school district child abuse team or the Department of Social Services. The appropriate agencies will assess the situation and decide how to keep the child safe.

Working with children who have suffered abuse is a skill that every teacher possesses. Given a few guidelines and accurate information, the teacher's natural concern and caring for students will promote the process of healing. Teachers have the opportunity to give an abused child the hope of a childhood, the joy of play, and the sense of being cared for by others. Those are gifts that cannot be measured in any monetary or quantitative way.

References

Besharov, D. (1990). Recognizing Child Abuse. New York: The Free Press.

Blume, E. (1990). Secret Survivors. New York: The Free Press.

Butler, S. (1978). Conspiracy of Silence. San Francisco: New Glide Publications.

Colorado Department of Education (1988). The School's Role in the Prevention/Intervention of Child Abuse and Neglect. Denver: Colorado Department of Education.

Conerly, S. (1986). "Assessment of Suspected Child Sexual Abuse." In Sexual Abuse of Young Children, edited by K. MacFarlane, pp. 30-51. New York: The Guilford Press.

Crewdson, J. (1988). By Silence Abused. New York: Harper & Row.

Geiser, R. (1979). Hidden Victims: The Sexual Abuse of Children. Boston: Beacon Press.

Goodwin, J. (1982). Sexual Abuse: Incest Victims and Their Families. Boston: John Wright.

Hillman, D., and J. Solek-Tefft. (1988). Spiders and Flies. Lexington, Mass.: Lexington Books.

Kantrowitz, B. (December 1988). "A Tale of Abuse." Newsweek, pp. 56-59.

National Organization for Victims' Assistance. (March 1989). Newsletter.

Sawyer, F. (Journalist). (1989). Nightline television program, ABC.

Sgroi, S., F. Porter, and L. Blick. (1982). "Validation of Child Sexual Abuse." In Handbook of Clinical Intervention in Child Sexual Abuse, edited by S. Sgroi, pp. 39-79. Lexington, Mass.: Lexington Books.

"Study Finds Child Care Increasing." (April 1992). The Greeley Tribune, p. A-11.

Thelma Bear coordinates district public school programs for students and works with women survivors of abuse as a psychotherapist in private practice. Sherry Schenk works as a school psychologist with elementary and middle school children and has worked with sexually abused children. Lisa Buckner has a B.S. in psychology and is a school bus driver. The authors may be reached at Weld County School District Six, 811 Fifteenth St. Greeley, CO 80631.

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December 1992/January 1993 | Volume 50 | Number 4 Students at Risk Pages 42-47 Thelma Bear, Sherry Schenk and Lisa Buckner Our varied roles as therapist, educator, school psychologist, school bus driver, student, and administrator have provided us with the experience and education on which this article is based.

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Ways to help homeless children and their families.

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Solutions to Child and Family Homelessness

Families who are homeless face complex challenges that can't be solved by any one federal, state, or community agency. Solutions to homelessness include:

more affordable housing

wages that cover the real costs of living

access to supportive services to help people gain and maintain stability such as affordable health and mental health care services and transportation to work and school

Families with children who are homeless need quality daycare opportunities for young children. This allows parents to work, seek employment, or attend school or training programs. Homeless families may also qualify for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), a federal program for pregnant women and families with one or more dependent children. TANF provides financial assistance to help pay for food, shelter, utilities, and non-medical expenses.

Families experiencing domestic violence need secure places to stay and resources to enhance their safety and stability. Homeless students also need reliable transportation to school. Ideally they would continue attending the same school they did before becoming homeless to prevent changing classes. (The more a kid changes schools and classes, the more disruptive it is to their learning.) School closings due to the COVID-19 pandemic may also have a profound effect on families experiencing homelessness.

Help Homeless Families: What You Can Do

Many people don't know that families and children are homeless because they don't see them on the streets. Help homeless families by educating yourself and others. Learn and share as much as you can about homelessness - the causes, its impact, and solutions.

Then, get involved! The federal government-as well as state, county, and local governments-control many of the laws, programs, and budgets that impact solutions to homelessness. By changing laws and policies, we can help end homelessness.

If you are 18 years or older, make sure you are registered to vote. And then cast your vote on Election Day. Better yet, be an informed voter! What have candidates said about people living in poverty and experiencing homelessness? Have they mentioned issues like access to health care, affordable housing, and living wages? Do they discuss domestic and community violence? Do their solutions seem effective to you?

Help on a Local Level

Here are some ways you can donate and volunteer to help homeless families and children within your community:

1. Donate toys for kids to your local shelter. Many times, shelters don't have the resources to buy toys for kids. Find out what shelters exist in your community. Contact them and ask if you could help by collecting toys (new/good condition), art supplies, books, and other things for kids.

2. Hold a diaper drive. Diapers are expensive. Donate diapers to a local program working with families and babies who are homeless. (And don't forget to include baby wipes and rash cream, too.)

3. Make sure students in need have access to extra-curricular activities. Activity fees may limit the ability of homeless/low-income students to participate. Reach out to your school counselor or find out who your McKinney-Vento liaison is. That's the person in every school district whose job it is to help students who are homeless. Maybe there is a way that you can help contribute. Or, perhaps, start a scholarship fund to pay for things like sports equipment, registration fees, musical instrument fees, etc.

4. Volunteer. There are organizations in nearly every community that work to support families living in poverty and end homelessness. Some of them are advocating for better legislation. Others are providing families with supports like food, clothing, legal advocacy, financial assistance, and housing. Volunteering is a great way to help your community and become connected to the issues.

Each of these activities may seem small, but together, we can have a collective impact.

Learn more-read "4 Ways to Help Homeless People."

Invisible People

We imagine a world where everyone has a place to call home. Until then, we strive to be the most trusted source for homelessness news, education and advocacy.

Join the campaign to end homelessness by supporting the only newsroom focused solely on the topic of homelessness. Our original reporting - posted five to seven days a week - can also be found on Apple News and Google News. Through storytelling, education, news, and advocacy, we are changing the narrative on homelessness.

Invisible People is a nonprofit organization. We rely on the support of friends like you - people who understand that well-written, carefully researched stories can change minds about this issue. And that's what leads to true transformation and policy change. Our writers have their fingers on the pulse of homeless communities. Many are formerly or currently homeless themselves. They are the real experts, passionate about ending homelessness. Your support helps us tell the true story of this crisis and solutions that will end it. Your donations help make history by telling the real story of homelessness to inspire tangible actions to end it.
Your donation, big or small, will help bring real change.

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How To Help Homeless Families - Invisible People

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Families who are homeless face complex challenges that can't be solved by any one federal, state, or community agency. Solutions to homelessness include: more affordable housing wages that cover the real costs of living access to supportive services to help people gain and maintain stability such as affordable health and mental health care services and transportation to work and school Families with children who are homeless need quality daycare opportunities for young children.

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Supportive ways to help foster parents and their family.

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May is National Foster Care Month! At CarePortal and The Global Orphan Project, we want to acknowledge and thank all those who open up home and heart to children and their families in a time of crisis. Even if you're not in a place to foster children or youth yourself, there are so many ways to wrap around foster families with support.

So let's get practical: Here are 10 ways you can support foster families in your church or community. We challenge you to choose at least one for this month, then keep the support rolling throughout the year!

1. Bring food.

You can always start here. A hot meal can bring a whole lot of comfort, even in the midst of a whole lot of chaos. You can serve a family by delivering a hot meal, assembling a few freezer meals or packing a basket of full of yummy snacks. Everyone's schedule and abilities are different, so don't feel pressure to be the next Rachel Ray - show up in the right moment with a mocha latte for a foster parent with a new infant placement, and they just might do a happy dance!

2. Organize a meal train.

Consider taking #1 to the next level and making sure the family has a steady stream of yummy support coming their way. This is especially important in the first couple of weeks after a new placement arrives. MealTrain.com and MealBaby.com are just two of the many websites available to make this process efficient and helpful for a family that deserves a little extra love.

3. Gather supplies when a new placement arrives.

Before and after a new placement arrives, be proactive and ask what the family needs. Maybe it's diapers and a baby gate? Maybe it's bunk beds and backpacks? Especially if a family fosters children of varying ages and genders over time, the supplies they need start to add up - both financially and space-wise. One way you might be able to help is offer to store supplies for them!

4. Welcome a new placement.

When an infant, toddler or teenager arrives to a new foster home, this time can be loaded with different kinds of emotions for everyone involved. Help the parents, and possibly their own biological children, welcome the child into their home. Talk with the foster parents about how you can help with the transition. You could deliver a gift or activity that the family could enjoy together that first evening or week. Depending on your relationship, you might bring over some ice cream and initiate a game night. Maybe you could help the family create a new tradition by joining them for a monthly neighbor and family night!

5. Become a primary supporter for a family.

Every foster family needs at least a few people to step up into their primary support circle. Two key ways you can help in this way is by regularly providing transportation and/or respite care.

Children in the foster care system often have a significant number of additional appointments, so providing rides for visits, after-school activities and appointments can be a huge blessing. Providing respite care - whether it's just during an afternoon of errands, letting a couple get a quality date night, or caring for a child for several days - is a tremendous gift to foster parents and children. Ideally, your friends would know you're committed to providing this support even before they get licensed to accept a placement.

Laws vary state-to-state, but this may require a background check or special certification from the foster family's licensing agency. Be proactive to find out what you need to do, and then follow through. Try to make this support regular, because your consistent presence could have a powerful stabilizing effect for both the child(ren) and the family.

This is a big one. Foster parenthood (and parenthood in general), and the busyness and complexity that comes with it, can often leave foster parents feeling isolated or unknown. Regularly and proactively check in with your friends to see how they're doing. Grieve with them. Laugh with them. Pray with them. Finally, try not to give unsolicited advice; be with them and listen.

7. Tell them specific ways you want to help.

You can bless a family by simply letting them know you're available to help with day-to-day chores and errands. Then follow through! Most foster families feel awkward asking for specific needs but would gladly accept help with household tasks.

Say: "I'd like to mow your lawn this week. What day works best?" Then follow through.

Ask: "Could I help with your laundry this week? I will pick it up on Thursday and bring it back clean and folded on Friday." Then follow through.

Other ideas: Offer to grab their week's grocery list and deliver their groceries, provide transportation for foster and/or biological kids (see #1), or just ask them what errands you can help with.

8. Invite the whole family over for dinner or playdate

As we mentioned in #6, foster families - parents, children in temporary care and biological children - can feel isolated. Invite the whole family over for dinner or a playdate. Warmth and hospitality, welcoming a child into a bigger community, is a powerful way to show Christ's love to both the child and the family.

9. Gift them a membership or day passes.

Sometimes you need to get out of the house! Gift the family a day pass to a nearby water park or activity center. Offer them a membership to the zoo or the city pool. This could be such a fun and unexpected way to brighten up life for a family - and could be a great choice for a family in your church or neighborhood you don't know as well but want to serve.

Finally - and firstly - pray. There are battles going on that we can't always see. Pray for the child. Pray for their biological families. Pray for their foster parents. Pray for the biological children of the foster parents. (See Jason Johnson's powerful post from 2015: " Foster Care is Spiritual Warfare ".)

Remember, you don't have to do everything. Start with one small yes.

"I used to think you had to be special for God to use you, but now I know you simply need to say yes."
― Bob Goff, "Love Does"

Serve foster children and at-risk families in your own community.
GET INVOLVED SEE OPEN REQUESTS

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10 meaningful ways to support a foster family

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May is National Foster Care Month! At CarePortal and The Global Orphan Project, we want to acknowledge and thank all those who open up home and heart to children and their families in a time of crisis. Even if you're not in a place to foster children or youth yourself, there are so many ways to wrap around foster families with support.

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Resource explaining the different types of adoption and what they mean.

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Children now living in foster care. These are children whose birthparents cannot care for them and whose parental rights have been terminated. The children are temporarily in foster or group homes while waiting to be adopted. You can learn more about the children by contacting the public or private agencies in your community. A list is available asking for adoption information on the sidebar.

Fost-Adopt. This is a form of adoption where a child will be placed in your home as a foster child, but with the expectation that he/she will become legally free and available to be adopted by you.

Infant adoption. There are more people wanting to adopt infants than there are infants available to be adopted. Many people who want infants will try to adopt through an intermediary such as a lawyer, physician or other facilitator rather than through a licensed adoption agency. This is known as independent adoption which is legal in most, but not all, states.

Independent adoption. There is usually no counseling for birth parents, and the infants are not usually eligible for financial assistance for any special needs that may not have been noticeable at birth. It is also possible to adopt an infant through a public or private agency, but there may be a long wait before a child is identified for you.

Closed vs open adoption:
A closed adoption is one where no identifying information about the birth family or the adoptive family is shared between the two, and there is no contact between the families. As the adoptive family, you will receive non-identifying information about the child and birth family before he or she joins your family. After your adoption is finalized, the records are sealed. Depending on local law and what paperwork was signed and filed when the adoption was finalized, these records may or may not be available to the adopted child when they reach 18.

An open adoption allows for some form of association among the birth parents, adoptive parents and the child they adopted. This can range from picture and letter sharing to phone calls, to contact through an intermediary or open contact among the parties themselves. Many adoptions of older children and teenagers are at least partially open since the children may already know identifying or contact information about members of their birth families, or may want to stay in touch with siblings placed separately.
Adopting your Stepchild
Step-parent adoption is directed by state law. And each state has its own laws! For example, some states do not require a home study for step-parent adoption. Most will mandate that a couple be married for a certain length of time, which varies from state to state. Some states require or strongly encourage legal representation while others provide forms for individuals to pursue stepparent adoption through the local court system. Consulting with a local adoption attorney is an invaluable resource. The website for the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys is: www.adoptionattorneys.com 202-832-2222

A fact sheet on step-parent adoption is available through Child Welfare Information Gateway. www.childwelfare.gov; Or call 800 394-336, for personal assistance and inquiries.

Search keywords: step-parent adoption

For state laws:

Search keywords: state statutes search

Select the appropriate state

Select the topics under the subhead Adoption

Suggestions:

Consent to adoption

Rights of presumed (putative) fathers

Who may adopt, be adopted or place a child for adoption

Another resource with detailed state law information is www.adoptionchildwelfarelaw.org 1-800-394-3366

Go the Search area on the left side of screen

Select the appropriate state

Select the document type: All

Select keywords: step-parent adoption

Adopting a relative
For information on kinship/relative adoption, including state laws on the topic, visit the Child Welfare Information Gateway-www.childwelfare.gov 800-394-3366

Search keywords: kinship adoption

Click "Adoption by Family Type: Kinship/Relative Adoption" to find various links including a downloadable factsheet, "Kinship Care/Grandparents Raising Grandchildren"

Further down on the page, find: "Placement of Children with Relatives: Summary of State Laws", a downloadable/viewable summary of state-by-state laws on kinship/relative adoption

Adopting a Grandchild

Visit the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) site www.aarp.org

Visit the Children's Defense Organization-www.childrensdefense.org or 800-223-1200

Contact the state Adoption Program Manager in the state where you live and the one where the child/ren lives

Call the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children administrator in each state

Adopting an Adult

In most states, it is legal to adopt an adult. Among the most popular reasons:

Inheritance

Close bond with foster family. Once a child has aged out of foster care, a foster family can adopt a legally available adult

Step-parent's desire to legally adopt his/her spouse's adult child/ren

Mutual consent by adoptee and birth family upon successful search and reunion

Permanent care-giving

More information on who may adopt or be adopted, call 800-394-3366 or visit www.childwelfare.gov

Keyword search: state statutes search

Select appropriate state

Select and consent to adoption

Who may adopt, be adopted or place a child for adoption

International Adoption
Adopting a child from another country is complicated and expensive. Some countries have significantly reduced the number of children that are available to be adopted, and others have eliminated international adoption entirely.

Nonetheless, there are agencies that can help you with international adoption. For information on adopting a child from another country, call the

Office of Children's Issues, United State Department of State-888-407-4747 or adoption.state.gov, the Intercountry Adoption Bureau Consular Affairs US Department of State.

Choose from a variety of topics including:

who can adopt

who can be adopted

how to adopt

traveling abroad

after adoption

contact information

For specific information on immigration and adoption, please visit

U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, 800-375-5283
http://www.uscis.gov

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Children now living in foster care . These are children whose birthparents cannot care for them and whose parental rights have been terminated. The children are temporarily in foster or group homes while waiting to be adopted. You can learn more about the children by contacting the public or private agencies in your community.

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Quick access to child welfare laws and what they mean.

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The North American Council on Adoptable Children

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Below, we summarize some key US federal laws that affect children in foster care and those who are adopted from care. For more information, visit the Child Welfare Information Gateway.

Recent Comprehensive Child Welfare Legislation

The Family First Prevention Services Act of 2018 seeks to prevent children from entering foster care, support kinship caregivers, and reduced reliance on group care. Key provisions include:

permits states and eligible tribes to receive federal reimbursement under Title IV-E of the Social Security Act to support family preservation services for children at risk of entering care

limits federal Title IV-E reimbursement to states and tribes for maintenance payments-also known as room-and-board payments-for children placed in group settings

extends various child welfare programs, including the Adoption and Guardianship Incentive Payment Program

allows states to use Title IV-E funding to offer evidence-based kinship navigator programs

establishes an electronic interstate case-processing system

reinstates the eligibility link for children under age 2 whose adoptions are finalized between January 1, 2018 and June 30, 2024

read summary of the Family First Act

The Preventing Sex Trafficking and Strengthening Families of Act of 2014 - Created more protections for children in foster care to prevent sex trafficking, added incentives for guardianship placements, and required states to use new federal IV-E funds for post-adoption and guardianship support. Key provisions include:

required states to identify children at risk of sex trafficking and develop policies to support these children

gave foster parents and other caregivers the right to allow children in foster care to participate in the normal activities of childhood

reduced the use of Another Planned Permanent Living Arrangement (AAPLA) for children under age 16

empowered youth to participate in their own case plan

required states to provide youth with key documentation such as birth certificate and Social Security card

added a guardianship incentive to the adoption incentive program; changed the incentive program to be based on the rate of adoption/guardianship rather than the number of adoptions from foster care

required states to track and reported on increased federal Title IV-E adoption assistance funds due to the Fostering Connections Act and to spend at least 30 percent of those funds on post-adoption and post-guardianship services and services to prevent foster placement

required data gathering on adoption and guardianship disruptions and dissolutions

read summary of Strengthening Families Act

The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 - Increased opportunities for children to be placed with relatives, expanded incentives to encourage adoptions from foster care, expanded federal support for adoption assistance, and increased options for supporting youth in foster care after age 18. Key provisions:

provided federal funding for subsidized guardianship programs

required notice of relatives when children enter care

waived licensing standards for kin

funded Family Connections Grants to support kinship navigator, family group decision-making, and other programs

enhanced the adoption incentive program

expanded Title IV-E adoption assistance benefits to children who would otherwise not be eligible because of their birth parents' income; expanded eligibility is phased in over time until 2018

required states to inform prospective adoptive parents about the adoption tax credit

extended independent living and education vouchers for youth in care

required states to work on transition plans for youth at risk of aging out of care

allowed federal reimbursement to states that offer support youth in foster care at ages 19, 20, and 21

provided tribes with an opportunity for direct Title IV-E funding

required states to track health information for children in care, promote school continuity and success

expanded federal funding for training for caregivers and professionals

read summary of the Fostering Connections Act
Key Adoption Laws

Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 (P.L. 105-89) - Sought to promote the safety, permanency, and well-being of children in foster care, accelerate the permanent placement of children in care, and increase the accountability of the child welfare system. Key provisions:

clarified "reasonable efforts" agencies must make to reunify families before terminating parental rights;

required permanency hearings to be held within 12 months after a child enters care;

required states to begin termination of parental rights proceedings in certain cases;

promoted concurrent planning;

required criminal records checks;

established adoption incentive payments for states that increase the number of children adopted from foster care;

required states to provide health insurance coverage to all children for whom there is an adoption assistance agreement in place and who cannot be placed without medical assistance;

prevented states from delaying or denying placements based on geographic barriers; encourage states to plan for effective cross-jurisdictional placements; and

continued Title IV-E eligibility for children whose prior adoption ended through adoption dissolution or the adoptive parents' death.

Adoption Assistance and Child Welfare Act of 1980 (P.L. 96-272) - Authorized appropriations for adoption and foster care assistance to the states; and required states to provide adoption assistance to parents that adopt children whose parents had low incomes (were AFDC-eligible) and who were deemed to have special needs. For foster care assistance, required states to make reasonable efforts to prevent placement in care or to reunify children with their families.

Legislation Related to Race and Ethnic Background

Multiethnic Placement Act [of the Improving America's Schools Act of 1994] (P.L. 103-382), and the Interethnic Placement Provisions [of the Small Business Job Protection Act of 1996] (P.L. 104-188) - MEPA included three major provisions that:

Provided for the "diligent recruitment of foster and adoptive families that reflect the ethnic and racial diversity of children in the state for whom foster and adoptive homes are needed";

Prohibited federally funded foster care and adoption agencies from delaying or denying placements or otherwise discriminate in make a placement decision based solely on the race, color, or national origin of the involved parents or child;

Prohibited federally funded foster care and adoption agencies from preventing any person from becoming a foster or adoptive parents based solely upon their race, color, or national origin, or the race, color, or national origin of the child involved; and

The Interethnic Placement Act, now known as MEPA's Interethnic Provisions (IEP) removed the word "solely" from the MEPA provisions described above and thus prohibited any consider of race, color, or national origin.

Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 (P.L. 95-608) - Established standards for the placement of Indian child in foster or adoptive homes. Key provisions mandate that:

tribes and Indian custodians receive notice when a child is placed away from home or freed for adoption through termination of parental rights;

jurisdiction over child welfare cases be transferred to a tribal court under certain conditions;

tribes have a right to intervene in state court cases;

social service agencies that attempt to remove a child from an Indian family provide proof that the child would suffer serious emotion or physical harm if not removed;

social service agencies undertake "active efforts" to prevent removal and reunify Indian families

parents who voluntarily place or relinquish an Indian child give their informed consent to such an action, and hold special rights to revoke that consent; and

foster and adoptive placement preferences favor extended family members, other Indian families, and other tribally approved homes or institutions.

Adoption Tax Credit

Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001 (P.L. 107-16) -Included provisions to extend permanently the adoption credit; increased the maximum credit to $10,000 per eligible child, and increased to $150,000 the beginning of the income phase-out range. Made the credit a flat tax credit for special needs adoptions, meaning that parents do not need to document expenses for special needs adoptions.

Small Business Job Protection Act of 1996 (104-188) - Included a tax credit to help families defray adoption costs and promote the adoption of foster children; credit was $5,000 for most adoptions and $6,000 for special needs adoptions; the credit began to be reduced for incomes above $75,000 (maximum income was $115,000).

Other

Adoption Promotion Act of 2003 (P.L. 108-145) - Reauthorized the adoption incentive program under Title IV-E; provided additional incentives to states for increasing the number of children age nine and older who are adopted from foster care.

Keeping Children and Families Safe Act of 2003 (P.L. 108-36) - Extended and amended the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act; the Adoption Opportunities Act, the Abandoned Infants Assistance Act, and the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act.

Promoting Safe and Stable Families Amendments of 2001 (P.L. 107-33) -Extended and amended the Promoting Safe and Stable Families program; amended the Foster Care Independent Living program. The legislation increased funding for the program and noted that adoption increases had created a "growing need for post-adoption services and for service providers with the particular knowledge and skills required to address the unique issues adoptive families and children face." The amendments also authorized funding for college or vocational education vouchers for: (1) youth 18- to 12-years old who are aging out of foster care; (2) youth adopted at age 16 or older; or (3) youth 21 to 23 who are enrolled in school full-time and making progress toward completion.

Foster Care Independence Act of 1999 (P.L. 106-169) - Amended title IV-E of the Social Security Act to provide states with more funding and greater flexibility in carrying out programs designed to help children make the transition from foster care to self-sufficiency. Key provisions:

authorized funds to help children who are aging out of care get an education, receive vocational training, find employment, access health care, and find mentors; and

encouraged states to extend Medicaid coverage to youth ages 18 to 20 who have aged out of care;

Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment and Adoption Reform Act of 1978 (P.L. 93-247) - Reauthorized through fiscal year 1981 and amended the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act; initially funded the Adoption Opportunities program to facilitate the adoption of children with special needs.

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Below, we summarize some key US federal laws that affect children in foster care and those who are adopted from care. For more information, visit the Child Welfare Information Gateway.

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Guide to help adoptive parents answer tricky questions from their child.

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Every adopted child is curious about his or her adoption story - and, hopefully, it's one you tell often and have told since the day you brought them home. But as your child's understanding of adoption develops, he or she may start asking more complex questions.

For many adoptive parents, the biggest one is: Why was I placed for adoption? It's a challenging question that can come in many forms: "Why did my birth parents give me up? Why didn't they keep me? Did they not love me?"

Knowing how to respond isn't always easy, which is why we've put together a few strategies you can use when this question inevitably comes up:

1. Use positive adoption language.

The words you use to talk about your child's adoption story matter. It's important to always use positive adoption language when talking to your child, and this can be an opportunity to reinforce that. If your child believes that he or she was "given up" for adoption, it can lead to feelings of shame and rejection.

If your child asks why they were "given up" or "given away," address their phrasing. Let them know that they weren't given up at all, and that their birth parents made an adoption plan because they loved them and felt that was the best option at the time.

2. Answer honestly.

Whenever your child has adoption questions, it's important to answer them honestly. Don't create a fictional story about your child's birth parents or adoption story to avoid answering the tough questions. If your child asks a question you don't have the answer to, it's okay to say "I don't know." Giving an honest answer is always preferable to making up a false one.

Fortunately, however, it's actually pretty easy to give an honest answer when your child asks why he or she was placed for adoption: It's because their birth parents loved them and wanted to give them every possible opportunity in life.

You can explain that certain life circumstances led to your child's birth parents making an adoption plan. The details you give your child will depend on their age and level of understanding (see number three), but for young children, it's best to keep it simple. You might say something like, "Your birth parents were dealing with grown-up issues and weren't ready to take care of a baby. But, they loved you very much and wanted you to have a happy life, so they made a plan to place you with our family."

3. Keep it age-appropriate.

Explaining the circumstances that led to your child's adoption might be difficult if certain issues are involved, such as addiction, homelessness or an unhealthy or even abusive relationship between the birth parents. But your child has the right to know his or her full story, difficult details and all. So, when should you start revealing the more challenging aspects of your child's adoption story?

The way you talk about adoption with your child will evolve as he or she gets older. Every child matures at a different pace, so it's important to gauge your child's individual understanding and emotional readiness before explaining the more challenging parts of his or her adoption. Your adoption specialist or a professional counselor can help you make a plan for explaining these difficult details when the time is right.

4. Talk to their birth family if possible.

If you have an open adoption, and if you think it is appropriate in your situation, consider reaching out to your child's birth mother to ask if she would be comfortable talking to your child about her adoption decision herself.

She may have details that you don't have, and for many children, it can be incredibly helpful to get the answers they're looking for directly from the source. She can reassure your child that her adoption decision was a difficult one made out of unconditional love.

5. Be reassuring.

Above all else, it's important to reassure your child that he or she is loved unconditionally - both by you and by his or her birth parents. Treat adoption as something positive and special, and your child will pick up on your attitude. Being open, honest and optimistic about the adoption decision your child's birth parents made will in turn encourage your child to feel more confident and proud of his or her adoption story.

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How to Answer This Tough Adoption Question from Your Child

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Every adopted child is curious about his or her adoption story - and, hopefully, it's one you tell often and have told since the day you brought them home. But as your child's understanding of adoption develops, he or she may start asking more complex questions.

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Ways to help foster children prepare for their first day at a new school.

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Going back to school is an exciting time that is filled with change. But change can also be scary. It's natural for children to feel a somewhat anxious about the first day of school, even with brand new clothes and school supplies at the ready.

For children in foster care, starting the school year can be uniquely challenging. They have already had to learn new names and adjust to change by coming to live with you. Adding school to the equation may be overwhelming.

As a foster parent, there are things you can do to help make the transition back to school a little bit less scary. Read on to learn how to make a foster child's first day at school their best one yet.
Keep the lines of communication open.
When it comes to school, the best way you can help your child is to stay involved. Let the teacher know that the student is in foster care and how they should address you as the foster parent, such as Mr. or Mrs., Mom or Dad, or in some foster situations, Auntie or Grandpa. Inform the teacher of any possible triggers or special needs. Keep in touch with the teacher about any visitation days or setbacks. This will help the teacher understand if their behavior is off that day. Sign up for tools like Remind 101, so that you are aware of assignments. Keep the lines of communication open, so that you can help your foster child succeed.
Give your foster child time to mentally prepare.
Make arrangements to meet the teacher and tour the school beforehand, so that your foster child knows what to expect the first day. Attend the Open House to give your child a chance to see their classroom, locker and desk. If there is not an official Open House, you can contact the teacher or principal about a setting up meeting to give your foster child time to mentally prepare. While at the school, introduce your foster child to the principal, librarian, secretary, and anyone else they will encounter on a regular basis. A fun way to help them remember new faces is to print the school website directory and glue the photos into a book.
Take your foster child shopping.
Going back to school shopping with your foster child can help them feel part of the process and may even generate excitement about the first day. Print off an extra copy of the school supply list to give to the child. Also give them a pen they can use to check off each item they find. If you are able to, let your foster child pick out a new outfit or two. A new pair of shoes and new clothes can do wonders for a child's self-esteem. You will also want to stop at the grocery store together to shop for their favorite healthy breakfast and school lunch options.

Once school begins, help your foster child explore their interests by encouraging them to try out for sports or join an after-school club. This could be a great opportunity for them to form a group of friends and find a home in their school life. With a little support, your child can thrive in their new school environment.

Every child needs and deserves to grow up safe and protected from abuse and neglect, and caring foster parents offer children support and stability when they need it most. At Camelot Care Centers, we specialize in higher-level foster care for children and adolescents that need extra support. We partner with our foster parents/homes to provide trauma informed care and additional services, including in-home counseling, parent support and training, tele-psychiatry, and therapeutic mentoring, to maintain children at the least restrictive, yet most appropriate level of care. Camelot Care Centers ("Camelot") is a Child Welfare Agency licensed by the State of Illinois, a member of the Illinois Collaboration on Youth (ICOY), and is accredited by the Council on Accreditation (COA).

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How To Make A Foster Child's First Day At School A Good One

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Going back to school is an exciting time that is filled with change. But change can also be scary. It's natural for children to feel a somewhat anxious about the first day of school, even with brand new clothes and school supplies at the ready.

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Access to support groups for foster children and their family.

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One of the first things most foster parents will recommend to those starting out is building your support network. Most counties and agencies offer support groups, but if one doesn't exist near you - reach out to your Navigator about getting one started!

Getting connected to a support group is a great way to:

Connect with experienced foster parents near you! Local families often have great advice, resource suggestions, or may offer mentorship if you're facing a tough situation with a youth in your home.

Build a community that looks like the youth in your care. If you're fostering trans-racially, you may want to have other adults in your life who you can turn to for advice and resources to make sure you're supporting your child well in expressing their culture and history.

Have some adult time! Many support groups offer childcare which is a great opportunity for you to have adult time, and for the kids in your care to spend time with children who are in a similar situation to themselves. Often groups will also provide dinner for families.

Form lasting relationships with families who may be open to exchanging respite days or personal recommendations about community resources.

Learn about or attend upcoming training sessions that may count toward your required licensure hours.

Have a sounding board community to share frustrations, ideas, and successes.

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One of the first things most foster parents will recommend to those starting out is building your support network. Most counties and agencies offer support groups, but if one doesn't exist near you - reach out to your Navigator about getting one started!

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Great resource to help adoptive parents answer questions that their child may ask about their adoption.

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As a parent, I have learned that 20 questions an hour is part of our new normal. From this morning alone we had: Which came first, dinosaurs or Vikings? Do I have to eat broccoli? What do birds think about when they fly? And, my personal favorite, why can't we have candy for breakfast? To each question, I attentively answer, sometimes, "Ask Alexa," and other times, simply roll my eyes. But as an adoptive parent, sometimes the questions run deeper: "Why am I brown and you're pink?" or "How come I didn't come out of your tummy?" To these questions, I try to forge a more thoughtful response. My children's questions are complicated. Rarely are these tough questions answered with a single simple response. More commonly, the question leads to ongoing discussions of what adoption means and how our family came to be. Here are a few of our top questions, and the ways in which I have responded.

1. Was I in your tummy?

A few months after we returned home from China, we had a playdate at a friend's house. My friend was visibly pregnant and her daughter was excited to become a big sister. The little girl proudly pointed to her mother's stomach and proclaimed, "My brother is in there just like I was!" On the drive home, my son asked if I remembered when he was in my tummy. I gently reminded him that he had a tummy mommy, to which he promptly burst into tears. Why couldn't he have been in my tummy, he cried. Why did his friend get to be from her mommy's tummy? When we got home, I pulled out some of our favorite adoption books and began to talk through the idea of a birth mother and a birth father again. I reiterated that my son was born, just like all babies are born, from a man and a woman. But that sometimes that man and woman can't take care of the baby so they make the loving choice to place the child for adoption. "You were lovingly placed for adoption," I tell my son, "and we chose you, and you chose us, to be a forever family." For domestic adoptive families, the adoption triad may be better known. If yours is an open adoption, use the birth parents' names to tell the story of your child, like, "You were in Amanda's tummy, and Amanda gave birth to you. Then, we adopted you and became a forever family."

2. Why was I adopted?

One of my son's absolute favorite stories is of how our family came to be. I begin with when I was living in New York and continue to meeting my husband and moving to our house. I go on to say that we wanted to do things like play soccer, go swimming, have family game nights and movie nights but that we had no one to do those things with us. So we contacted our agency and they matched us with a little boy in China. Over the years, our story has extended to include all the things we wanted to do with a second child but couldn't. Our story concludes with us returning to our agency and adopting his sister from India. When responding to the question of "Why was I adopted?" be honest. What led your family to adoption? We often read The Not in Here Story since it was our struggles with infertility that initially led us to adoption. What led you to this specific child? Lifebooks can be a wonderful way to tell the story of how your family was formed. I have one for each of my children and their story is one we share with them often.

3. Why didn't my birth parents keep me?

We were in the middle of our normal bedtime routine when my son first asked this question. "Why didn't my parents from China keep me?" Though we had talked about adoption for years, my son was older now and the simple answer of, "Your birth parents made a loving choice to place you for adoption," no longer worked. I thought for a moment. I took his hand in my hand, took a deep breath, and told him the truth. For domestic adoptive families, sometimes the birth family's background and social history is known. For international adoptive families, oftentimes, there is a mere sketch of a family history. The most important thing is to be honest with your child about their history. This can be particularly hard when abandonment or abuse is part of your child's storyline. Share what you can in age-appropriate terminology but never lie. And remember, it is okay to say you do not know.

4. What do my birth parents look like?

It wasn't until my sister's son was born that my son started to ask this question. At my nephew's first birthday everyone cooed over how much he looked like Grandpa, my father, and Amma, my mother. He was a perfect DNA replica of my sister and her partner. But my children look nothing like my husband and me. When your adoptive child asks what their birth parents look like, share pictures of them if you have them. Find what features are similar and what features are different. If the birth parents of your child are unknown then imagine with your child what they might look like. Draw a picture together. Does your child's birth mother have long shiny black hair just like your child's? Or perhaps similar eye color? It's okay, too, to think about what other genes may have been passed down. Does your child love music? Perhaps their birth parents loved music as well. It may seem small but such remarks will help your child normalize the idea of their birth parents and most importantly, set the stage for future conversations. Many children may be reluctant to bring up the subject of their birth parents for fear their parents will feel rejected. So bring the conversation to them.

5. Why don't we look the same?

As a transracial, transcultural family I get this question more than any other. My first answer to my children is always, "Because your birth mother has beautiful brown skin and mommy has pink skin." We talk about how certain traits, such as hair color, eye color, and skin color, get passed down through DNA. At 6, my son understands the science of it, at 3, my daughter admittedly looks at me blankly. But just as it is important to answer this question for your child, it is also important to teach them how to answer the question themselves. Your children's peers will ask them about their family. Teachers might ask them about their family. In fact, every time we go somewhere new, my son laments, "Why does everyone ask if Mira is really my sister?" There is no question that, as a transracial family, we stand out. As a family, we talk about how not all families look the same and that's okay. But it can be hard when others outside your family's four walls are pointing out this fact constantly.

We stress that families can be made up of different family members, different skin colors, and different traditions. It is important to acknowledge racial differences with our children and to practice color awareness rather than color blindness. It can also be good to point out some things which are similar between you two. A wonderful book, I Don't Have Your Eyes, by Carrie A. Kitze, does just this. The words in the book are beautiful with sentiments like, "I don't have your eyes but I have your way of looking at things."

6. Is it okay to think about my birth parents?

This question always comes up around Mother's Day and my children's birthdays. And the answer is "YES!" a thousand times yes. Adoption is a triad and your child's birth parents are an important part of that triad. Adoptees have two families and it's important for them, and us as adoptive parents, to understand and support this. Stress that it is okay too for your children to talk about their birth parents. They are a part of your child's life and they should always feel okay to ask you, as their parents, any questions they might have.

Some parents might think that because their child has not openly asked about their birth parents they are not thinking about them. But here's the thing. They are. A child may be keeping their thoughts about their birth parents to themselves for fear of hurting their parents' feelings. Or because expressing their desire to know more about their birth parents might make their parents' feel rejected. When speaking of your child's birth parents, keep your language positive and take your cues from your child, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Your child asking about their birth parents is not a reflection of their feelings about you, but rather part of their lifelong journey as an adoptee. It's up to you as the parent to choose to support and walk with them.

7. Will I go back to my birth parents?

This question came about from my son after my daughter had been home with us for a few weeks. He asked when it was that Mira would go back to India. I looked at him, confused, and said, "We're Mira's forever family." To which he replied, but how long is forever? For children who have had multiple caregivers or who are adopted from the foster care system, the idea of a forever family can seem foreign. It is important to emphasize that when you adopted your child you became legally bound as a family. You are legally your child's parents and they are legally your children. We are bound together for life.

8. Who am I?

This last question is one that my son has never outright asked but I know is coming soon on the horizon. The question of "Who am I?" is a fundamental one to all people. We are built to process and define who we are, and it is in this definition that we then relate to the world. But for the adoptee, this definition is often multifaceted and can even be conflicting. Many adoptees will experience a sense of loss at the life that might have been with their birth families or in their birth countries or cultures. At times, adoptees may fully embrace their other self, choosing to immerse themselves in a birth culture or language, and at other times, they might outright reject it. If your child is of another race, look for racial mirrors in your community. If your child is from a different ethnicity, look for opportunities to bring your child's birth culture into the fabric of your own family's traditions. Though your child will struggle undoubtedly with identity issues, the more open you can be, the more your child may feel free to explore the multiple layers of themselves. And remember the question of identity will evolve and change as your child ages, and at times, such as during adolescence, become more pronounced.

Adoption is not a single act. It is a complicated, lifelong journey that involves the full triad of the adoptive parents, birth parents, and the adoptee. Throughout their lives, your children will have a ton of questions. Some will be easy to answer, others will be messy and difficult. The most important thing is to stay positive, open, and supportive. And know that you are not alone. There are many adoptive parent and adoptee forums where you can find support and many other families who are walking a similar path to yours. And if you need, outside professional help is always a good solution to help facilitate answers to some of the tougher questions about adoption.
Jennifer S. Jones is a writer, performer, storyteller, and arts educator. She holds an MFA (Playwriting) from NYU Tisch. She has written numerous plays including the internationally renowned, award-winning Appearance of Life. Her amazing transracial transcultural family was created through adoption from China and India. She is passionate about the adoption community and talks about the ins and outs, ups and downs, joys and "is this really us?!" whenever she can. She writes about her experiences at www.letterstojack.com .

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What Are Questions Adopted Kids Might Ask Their Parents?

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As a parent, I have learned that 20 questions an hour is part of our new normal. From this morning alone we had: Which came first, dinosaurs or Vikings? Do I have to eat broccoli? What do birds think about when they fly? And, my personal favorite, why can't we have candy for breakfast?

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Tips for helping to blend foster children with birth children into the family.

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Blending a foster child with children already in the home is one of the biggest challenges many foster parents face. Regardless whether the kids already in the home are by birth or adoption, the addition of a new foster child can be disruptive and parents need to be aware of some of the challenges.

Here are a few tips and links to resources that will help you prepare.

1. Get as much information as possible on your new foster child's life experiences before they join your family. This isn't always possible but it can help you prepare your family for the first weeks and months.

2. Set your own realistic expectations before the new foster child arrives, particularly educating yourself on issues related to welcoming an older child. Listen to these Creating a Family Radio Show/Podcasts: Physical and Emotional Health Issues Common With Foster Kids and Panel of Parents Adopting Older Kids: Surviving that 1st Year (although this interview panel was parents who adopted rather than fostered, the information on blending siblings is directly relevant.)

3. Read children's books with your kids about foster care, especially if you have younger children. This list of Books for Kids in Foster Care can help them understand why kids need your safe home, what foster care feels like from a child's perspective, and what foster care is.

4. Join an in-person or online support group, where you can freely ask the advice of parents who have been down this road before. Creating a Family runs a very active  Facebook Support Group that has a multitude of foster families participating.

5. Role-play with your children specific situations that may cause problems. If this new foster placement will disrupt birth order, focus on situations where privileges have been tied to age or birth order, such as oldest child has always picked out the family-night movie first or oldest child gets to help dad mow the lawn. If you are fostering an older child who will be the youngest in your family, focus on problematic situations such as wanting to tag along with older siblings, getting into things, interrupting conversations, etc. Check out the Creating A Family resource page on disrupting birth order.

6. Enlist your existing children to be your helpers in smoothing the transition for the new foster child. Have them brainstorm things they can do to help the new child adapt to life in your family.

7. Schedule one on one time with each child. This may not be easy but do your best to have this time once a week with each child.

8. Especially during the first few weeks or months of "growing" pains when these new dynamics may be intense, be intentional to catch each of the children cooperating or having fun together each day. Make a note of it in your mind because it is easy to miss these moments during all the chaos of life.

9. Be aware of the natural tendency to "side with" the children who are already in the family and whom you already love. Make a point to try to see disputes from the viewpoint of the new child as well.

10. If you know in advance that a prospective foster child has been sexually abused and/or has acted out sexually in the past, be extremely cautious about how you bring him or her into your family with younger children. Ask the child's caseworker for as much information as they can furnish and for resources to help you proceed. This radio interview will help you think through what you need to do to parent the child well and safely. Make certain that the child who has been sexually abused is seeing a counselor.

11. Talk with all your children about good touch/bad touch - before, during, and after the fostering placement.

12. Take care of yourself and your marriage/partnership! All parents need a break from parenting, and parents who are in the trenches of foster care especially need a break!

13. If after about 6 months life has not begun to settle down for all the kids or if you are feeling depressed or anxious, consider getting professional help. Ask your foster agency for support or seek out a therapist who specializes in foster care, adoption, or family therapy. Creating a Family also has some helpful resources on post-adoption depression that apply to fostering as well.

Image credit: Richard Leeming (changes made to image) Image credit:MP Chandrasekharan Image credit:{marybeth} Image credit:Jake Bond Image credit:MizToolLady

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Blending a Foster Child with Children Already in the Home

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Blending a foster child with children already in the home is one of the biggest challenges many foster parents face. Regardless whether the kids already in the home are by birth or adoption, the addition of a new foster child can be disruptive and parents need to be aware of some of the challenges.

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Helpful websites for parents of children with disabilities.

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Masters in Special Education Degree Program Guide |

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The following are 50 Great Websites for Parents of Children with Special Needs. This list of resources is great for parents of children with special needs. The list contains links for associations, councils, centers, and societies. It also has links for conferences, financial aid and internships, and helpful websites, articles, and research. Blogs and Facebook pages are also on the list.
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Associations, Councils, Centers, and Societies

Autism Society: Since 1965, the Autism Society has been providing information for individuals on the spectrum, family members, and professionals.
Council for Exceptional Children: The Council for Exceptional Children provides information and resources about Special Education.
Easter Seals: For almost 100 years, Easter Seals has been providing services to those with special needs and disabilities.
Family Voices: Children and youth with special health care needs can benefit from Family Voices.
Federation for Children with Special Needs: The focus of the Federation for Children with Special Needs is on the parents and providing support for them, which in turn benefits the child with special needs.
Family Hope Center: When children or adults have special needs, the Family Hope Center provides support to the entire family.
Family Resource Center on Disabilities: Training, assistance, and information are given to parents of children with disabilities by the Family Resource Center on Disabilities.
National Association of Parents with Children in Special Education (NAPCSE): Parents of Special Education students can learn how to be their child's best advocate.
National Council on Independent Living: NCIL promotes social change and strives to do away with disability driven discrimination.
National Center for Learning Disabilities: Children and adults with learning disabilities will benefit from the information and resources available from the National Center for Learning Disabilities.
National Collaborative on Workforce and Disability: NCWD for Youth provides strategies and development systems for youth with disabilities to join the workforce.
National Down Syndrome Society: The ndss supports people with Down Syndrome by providing resources such as wellness, education, and research.
Pacer Center: The Parent Advocacy Coalition for Educational Rights utilizes the idea of parents helping parents and provides support and resources for children and youth with disabilities and their families.
Parent to Parent USA: Parent to Parent USA offers support to parents of children with special needs.
United Spinal Association: The United Spinal Association offers support, advice, and resources for those with spinal cord injuries.

Conferences

Closing the Gap Conference: The 32nd annual Closing the Gap Conference will take place in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
COPAA Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates: The 17th annual COPAA Conference will take place in March of 2015 in San Diego California.
Disability Rights Education and Defense Fund: DREDF provides Special Education conferences in Northern California.
EPICS: The Native American Conference on Special Education has a conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico in March of 2015.
Professional Education Resources & Conference Services: PERCS will have its 18th annual Great Beginnings Conference in Worcester, Massachusetts.

Financial Aid and Internships

National Center for Learning Disabilities: The Anne Ford and Allegra Ford Thomas Scholarships are given to two graduating high school seniors who have been diagnosed with a learning disability to use for post-secondary education.
Possibilities: This is a financial resource for parents of children with disabilities.
Project 10: This site provides information about scholarships, grants, and financial resources that are helpful to those with disabilities.

Helpful Websites, Articles and Research

Answers 4 Families: Families and professionals can find information and support from the Nebraska Department of Health and Human Services' Answers 4 Families.
Center for Parent Information and Resources: A training module for screening, evaluation, and assessment procedures for early intervention can be found here to help parents of babies and toddlers.
Center for Parent Information and Resources: 10 Basic Steps in Special Education explains the process special education services for a child.
Closing the Gap: Closing the Gap helps people learn how to utilize assistive technology to change lives.
Disabled Sports USA: Disables Sports USA provides recreation and sports opportunities to disabled youth, adults, and wounded warriors.
The M.O.R.G.A.N. Project: Children with health care needs and their families benefit from the volunteers in the M.O.R.G.A.N. Project provides support and promotes awareness.
National Center for Learning Disabilities: The National Center for Learning Disabilities answers frequently asked questions (FAQ) on this page of resources.
Office of Disability Employment Policy: The United States Department of Labor offers many different disability employment policy resources that are categorized by topic.
Parent Training Information: Education topics and laws are presented on this site along with local information for those who live in Massachusetts.
Reading Rockets: Back-to-School Tips for Parents of Children with Special Needs is a great article to get the school year off to a good start.
U.S. Department of Education: The U.S. Department of Education provides many resources and research for parents of children with special needs.

Teaching Tips

Ability Path: Ability Path and Temple Grandin offer teaching tips for children and adults with autism spectrum disorder.
Autism Web: Autism Web gives parents and teachers tips for autism.
Help Guide: Help Guide offers advice for helping children with learning disabilities at home and at school.
LD Online: LD Online helps parents build a relationship with their child's teacher.

Children's Books

Children's Disabilities Information: The website provides a list of children's books that are about special needs and disabilities.
Explaining Special Needs to Your Child: 15 Great Children's Books: Special Needs Resources lists 15 great children's books that help explain special needs to children.
Institute for Humane Education: Characters with special needs take center stage in these children's books.

Blogs

Autism and Oughtisms: The mom of 2 autistic boys is the author of this inspirational and informative blog about autism.
Love that Max: A magazine editor mom of a special needs child writes this inspirational blog about parenting a special needs child.
My Special Needs Network: Learning solutions for kids with special needs can be found on this blog.
The Life Unexpected: Marianne Russo gives advice and information through The Life Unexpected and also through The Coffee Klatch Special Needs Talk Radio Network.
The Shut-Down Learner: Dr. Richard Selznick offers information and practical advice to parents of special needs children.

Facebook Pages

Community of Practice for Supporting Families with Disabilities: The Community of Practice for Supporting Families with Disabilities is a place to share resources and knowledge and to discuss issues.
Federation for Children with Special Needs: To benefit those with special needs or disabilities, Federation for Children with Special Needs provides support and inspiration.
Parenting Special Needs Magazine: This Facebook page gives inspiration and support to those with special needs and their families.
Parents of Special Needs Children: Family members of special needs children can find support and information on the page.

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50 Great Websites for Parents of Children with Special Needs

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The following are 50 Great Websites for Parents of Children with Special Needs. This list of resources is great for parents of children with special needs. The list contains links for associations, councils, centers, and societies. It also has links for conferences, financial aid and internships, and helpful websites, articles, and research.

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Social Emotional Wellness awareness for children and their family.

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Social Emotional Wellness for Families and Students

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Text HOPE4SC to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor.

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How to integrate positive behavior intervention and support at home.

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(2020, March 31) | Useful for sharing with families to support positive behavior.

This 8-page brief speaks directly to parents about how to use positive behavioral interventions and supports (PBIS) at home, an approach used in over 25,000 schools as a highly effective way to build children's social-emotional-behavioral skills and reduce challenging behaviors. The publication is a collaboration between the Center on Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) and the Center for Parent Information and Resources (CPIR), and is a direct response to current stay-in-place policies and school closures resulting from the COVID-19 pandemic.

The recommendations in the brief start with setting routines. Examples are given as to how to adapt school use of PBIS to home use for both elementary and secondary school routines. Another recommendation is to set home expectations of behavior. Again, examples are given of how expectations at school can be adapted to expectations at home. A third recommendation focuses on emphasizing positive feedback over correcting behavior (rule of thumb: aim for a ratio of 5 positive to 1 corrective). This recommendation includes strategies such as reminding children about expectations before an activity and rewarding positive behaviors. Additional recommendations are given about communicating with the school, being creative, and modeling good behavior and well-being.

For your convenience, you can access the brief right here at CPIR:
https://www.parentcenterhub.org/wp-content/uploads/repo_items/supporting-families-pbis-at-home-final.pdf

The brief is also available at the the Center on PBIS.

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Looking for more information and resources on COVID-19, official guidance from the federal government and others, schooling at home, technology tools, or coping tips? Visit our page on Coronavirus Resources. We update the list constantly.

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(2020, March 31) | Useful for sharing with families to support positive behavior. This 8-page brief speaks directly to parents about how to use positive behavioral interventions and supports (PBIS) at home, an approach used in over 25,000 schools as a highly effective way to build children's social-emotional-behavioral skills and reduce challenging behaviors.

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Information on behavior contracts and if your child may benefit from one.

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Kids with certain learning and attention issues may have trouble managing their behavior at school. If your child often gets in trouble for acting out or for not following directions in class, a behavior contract could help. Your child's teacher may suggest one. Or you could bring up the idea to the teacher if you think it'd be helpful.

Here's what you need to know about behavior contracts.

What is a behavior contract?

A behavior contract is an agreement between your child and your child's teacher. It often includes you, too.

The contract outlines expectations for your child's behavior. It lays out any specific behaviors your child struggles with or is working on, along with goals for those behaviors. Ideally the goals will be attainable, but still challenging.

It also outlines the rewards and consequences for meeting or not meeting goals.

For example, if your child has trouble remembering to raise her hand in class, the contract may include a goal that she call out less than three times a day. If handing in homework is a problem, the contract might specify that she turn hers in at least 90 percent of the time.

If your child follows the terms of the contract, she gets a reward that's spelled out in the contract. For example, a reward could be extra computer time. And a week of good classroom behavior might mean a family movie night at home or a weekend sleepover.

Behavior contracts can take many forms. They may look like formal agreements, or they may be sticker charts. They may also include "daily report cards" that your child's teacher gives your child. No one form is better than another. What's important is for the contract to work well for your child.

Who's a good candidate for a behavior contract?

A behavior contract could benefit any student who needs to improve her behavior at school. It could be helpful for kids with ADHD, who can have issues with impulsivity, inattention or hyperactivity. A behavior contract may work well for kids who have trouble with organization and completing work. They could also be helpful for kids who often throw tantrums or for those who have oppositional behavior.

If your child has an IEP or a 504 plan, a behavior contract could help her meet any behavior goals that may already be part of that plan. Or a behavior contract may follow a functional behavioral assessment and be part of a resulting behavior intervention plan.

Behavior contracts tend to work best for kids in second grade and above, all the way up through high school. Kids younger than second grade may have trouble understanding how the contract works and what's expected of them.

How can a behavior contract help your child?

A behavior contract can be an effective tool for many reasons. Here are some of the benefits:

It can improve communication between home and school. Ideally, your child, her teacher and you will be present when the behavior contract goals are set. The school social worker, psychologist and/or behaviorist may also attend that meeting. This keeps all of you on the same page.

It can make behavior expectations crystal clear. The behavior contract spells out specifically which behavior(s) your child needs to focus on. It also explains how rewards and consequences will work.

It can motivate your child to self-regulate. Your child is involved in the process of making the behavior plan goals and choosing her rewards. That can make her more invested in achieving those goals. This "buy-in" can help motivate her to improve her self-monitoring and self-control skills.

It can make your child more accountable for her actions. Even the word "contract" sounds formal. And a behavior contract is a written agreement, which makes it easy to go back to if there's any confusion. (This can help if your child says something like, "Oh, I forgot that was in there.")

It can provide valuable feedback for your child. Typically, each day the teacher or you would go over with your child how the day went. So every day your child can talk about and reflect on what she accomplished and what she could do better.

It can be used (and adjusted) over time. A behavior contract can be created any time during the school year. You don't need to wait for an intervention or an IEP meeting. Once a contract is created, it can be changed at any time, as long as you, your child and the teacher agree to the new terms. And if a behavior contract is working, it can continue from year to year if everyone is on board.

Behavior contracts can be a good way to help your child learn to manage her actions at school. If you're looking for solutions to everyday behavior problems at home, explore Parenting Coach.

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Behavior Contracts: What You Need to Know

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Kids with certain learning and attention issues may have trouble managing their behavior at school. If your child often gets in trouble for acting out or for not following directions in class, a behavior contract could help. Your child's teacher may suggest one.

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Ways to improve behavior at home and school.

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Parents and teachers often wonder how to discipline a child with behavior problems. Some children truly have challenging behaviors regardless of what strategies we try. However, many children benefit when the adults in their lives make changes in the way they react, respond, or interact with them.

This article gives ten simple strategies that you can start implementing right now to encourage positive behavior in your child/students.

All of these strategies are positive in nature and will help you connect with your child/student(s) in a way that will increase their confidence, self-respect, and respect for you.

Children with good confidence and a healthy respect for themselves and the adults in their lives, show better cooperation and make healthier choices.

10 Simple Strategies to Promote Positive Behavior

1. Verbally acknowledge children's efforts.

Tell your child/student(s) specifically what he/she did that you are proud of.

For example, you can say "You were so focused on your math homework tonight! Keep up the good work," "That was so nice the way you helped your brother with his math homework."

When children get specific positive feedback for doing the right thing, they want to do more of it. Virtually all children want to please adults (whether they show it or not) so for most children, specific praise makes a positive impact.

Praise is also an easy way to give your child attention which many children so desperately crave.

2. Use positive body language to show approval for positive behavior.

Positive body language can include a smile, thumbs up, high-five, pat on the back, etc.

Keep in mind that some children do not like to be touched and would respond better to something like a thumbs up than a pat on the back. Get to know your child/students to know what they like.

3. Use humor with your child/student(s)

Research supports the use of humor in creating positive outcomes for children. Make jokes, listen to their jokes, smile often, say something silly, sing something you would normally say, or anything else that would make them smile/laugh (make sure it is age-appropriate).

4. Show your child/student(s) that you are happy to see them.

Smile at them when they come into the room; for parents...put your arms out for a hug. Ask about their day, weekend, etc. and really listen when they talk.

5. Remind your child/student(s) that they should be proud of themselves (e.g., "You worked so hard on that science project. You should be so proud of yourself!").

This helps build internal confidence in them, so they can learn to be proud of themselves for being persistent, working hard, being kind to others, etc. If they feel successful they will be successful.
Recommended Book: Building Confidence and Improving Behavior in Children: A Guide for Parents and Teachers
6. Take an interest in your child's/students' interests.

Ask them what they enjoy, get excited about their creations or accomplishments, ask them what they want to learn about, ask them their opinion about things, etc. Teachers... try to incorporate students' interests in the classroom, as research indicates.

Parents...do activities with your children (academic or otherwise) that involve something they are interested in, even if it may not be your favorite activity. Let them choose topics of interest for certain activities.

7. Acknowledge your child/student(s) feelings with empathy.

Be understanding when they are nervous because they are trying something for the first time, frustrated because a writing assignment is difficult for them, disappointed because they didn't get invited to a birthday party, or embarrassed because other students laughed at them.

Avoid saying things like "Stop making a big deal about it," "You'll get over it," or "Why are you having such a hard time with this; it's easy."

Instead, make empathetic statements like, "I understand that this assignment is frustrating for you" or "I understand that you are nervous, that's common when trying something new."

Also, let them know that you are there to help in any way you can.

8. Be open-minded and don't pass judgment on your children/student(s) if their thoughts, values, feelings, or ideas don't match yours.

Of course, it is okay to share your opinion (and unsafe or hurtful behavior is unacceptable), but in general, don't make them wrong for their opinion.

Children need to feel like they can be open and be themselves around the adults in their lives. When children feel like they won't be judged or made wrong, they are more likely to talk to us when there is a real problem.
How Do Role Models Impact Our Youth and Communities?
9. Be a role model for good behavior. If you want your child to treat others with respect, you do the same. If you want your child to be an honest person, set an example of honesty for them.

10. Follow through on your promises and rules (barring unforeseen consequences) and stay away from empty threats.

If you tell your child/student(s) that they can pick a favorite book to read after they finish their math assignment, make sure you stick to your end of the bargain.

If you tell your child that he can go on the computer after his sister has a turn, make sure he gets a chance to do that.

Have consistent rules that teach your children that they need to stick to their end of the bargain as well.

For example, if you have a rule such as "Homework first, then TV." stick to that rule by making sure your child completes homework before watching TV. Stay away from empty threats such as "If you don't stop I am going to leave you here" or "I'll throw all of your toys away if you don't clean them up."

These types of statements can be scary for children leading to crying, tantrums, etc. and in all probability you are not going to do those things.

If you make empty threats your child will learn that you don't mean what you say and will also learn to not take you seriously. Research demonstrates that children need to see consistency and integrity in their role models to feel a sense of safety and confidence.

When children feel secure and have trust in their caregivers, they are in a better place to learn how to regulate their emotions, cooperate and focus, make healthy choices, and stay confident and motivated.

Are you thinking "I am doing all of these things and it is not working?" These are ten great strategies, but they need to be used in conjunction with several others. Check out

Using all of these strategies together will most likely lead to positive behavior changes over time. Although, there is no magic solution, as a mother, educator, and behavior specialist, I have personally found these research-based strategies to be the most effective over 21 years in this field. Just like a patient who does not respond right away to medical treatment, we do not give up. We keep trying.

If your child is significantly struggling with behavior, despite several positive strategies being in place, talk to your child's doctor or a mental health professional to help determine the next steps you should take.

If you are a teacher who is having significant behavioral difficulties with a student (despite several positive strategies) talk to the child's parent and your school team (administrator, guidance counselor, etc.).

Always keep in mind that some children truly have difficulty controlling their behaviors or making a better choice because they have not yet learned alternative/more acceptable methods to get their point across, or their behavior happens so quickly (almost impulsively) before they have the opportunity to slow down and think of an alternative.

This often happens when children feel anxious, scared, sad, or angry. While this is frustrating for adults, imagine how it feels to the child who frequently gets punished, singled out, or yelled at because they don't have the coping skills, communication skills, or control to do something different.

For a related article on impulsive behavior see 9 Practical Strategies to Decrease Impulsive Behavior in Children.
Sometimes toddlers have communication difficulties that interfere with their ability to understand or express themselves. This can lead to behavioral challenges. Toddler Talk: Techniques and Games might be a helpful book for you if you find yourself in this situation with your toddler.
Video Presentation:

We offer a free five-minute behavior consultation via text for parents, educators, or other interested parties. Please text (267) 415 - 6400 or email rachelwise@educationandbehavior.com for more info and rates for longer sessions.

Education and Behavior - Keeping Us On the Same Page with Research-Based Strategies to Support Children's Academic, Behavioral, and Social-Emotional Development.

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Use These 10 Simple Strategies to Improve Children's Behavior Today (Home/School)

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Parents and teachers often wonder how to discipline a child with behavior problems. Some children truly have challenging behaviors regardless of what strategies we try. However, many children benefit when the adults in their lives make changes in the way they react, respond, or interact with them.

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Resource to help parents determine if their child may have a behavioral or emotional disorder.

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What To Look For

Among all the dilemmas facing a parent of a child with emotional or behavioral problems, the first question - whether the child's behavior is sufficiently different to require a comprehensive evaluation by professionals - may be the most troublesome of all. Even when a child exhibits negative behaviors, members of a family may not all agree on whether the behaviors are serious.

For instance, children who have frequent temper outbursts or who destroy toys may appear to have a serious problem to some parents, while others see the same behavior as asserting independence or showing leadership skills.

Every child faces emotional difficulties from time to time, as do adults. Feelings of sadness, loss, or emotional extremes are part of growing up. Conflicts between parents and children are also inevitable as children struggle from the "terrible twos" through adolescence to develop their own identities. These are normal changes in behavior due to growth and development. Such problems can be more common in times of change for the family, such as the death of a grandparent or family member, a new child, or a move. Generally, these kinds of problems tend to fade on their own or with limited visits to a counselor or other mental health professional as children adjust to the changes in their lives.

At times, however, some children may develop inappropriate emotional and behavioral responses to situations in their lives that persist over time. The realization that a child's behavior requires professional attention can be painful or frightening to parents who have tried to support their child, or it may be accepted and internalized as a personal failure by the parent.

Sometimes parents fear that their child may be inappropriately labeled. They have concerns that the array of medicines and therapies suggested are not always agreed upon by all professionals. Still others become alarmed after obtaining an evaluation for their child only to discover that the evaluator believed emotional disturbances originate in family dynamics and that "parenting skills" classes were the best way to address the problem.

While many parents will concede that they may need to learn new behavior management or communication techniques in order to provide a consistent and rewarding environment for their child, many also express deep anger about the blame that continues to be placed on families with children who behave differently.

Where To Start

Before seeking a formal mental health evaluation, parents may have tried to help their child by talking to friends, relatives, or the child's school. They may try to discover whether others see the same problems and to learn what others suggest. Parents may feel that they also need help in learning better ways of supporting the child through difficult times and may seek classes to help them sharpen behavior management or conflict resolution skills. Modifications in a child's routine at home or school may help to establish whether some "fine tuning" will improve performance or self-esteem.

If the problems a child is experiencing are seen as fairly severe and are unresponsive to interventions at school, in the community, or at home, a diagnostic evaluation by a competent mental health professional is probably in order. Evaluations provide information that, when combined with what parents know, may lead to a diagnosis of a mental health, emotional, or a behavioral disorder.

So what is that magical moment when parents should recognize their child's behavior has surpassed the boundary of what all children do and has become sufficiently alarming to warrant a formal evaluation? There probably isn't one. It is often a gradual awareness that a child's emotional or behavioral development just isn't where it should be that sends most parents on a quest for answers.

Perhaps the most important question of all for parents of school-age children to consider is, "How much distress is your child's problem causing you, the child, or other members of the family?" If a child's aggressive or argumentative behaviors, or sad or withdrawn behaviors are seen as a problem for a child, the school, or members of his or her family, then the child's behaviors are a problem that should be looked at, regardless of their severity.

While there is no substitute for parental knowledge, certain guidelines are available to help families make the decision to seek an evaluation. In Help for Your Child: A Parent's Guide to Mental Health Services, Sharon Brehm suggests three criteria to help in deciding whether a child's behavior is normal or a sign that the youngster needs help:

Duration of a troublesome behavior. Does it just go on and on with no sign that the child is going to outgrow it and progress to a new stage?

Intensity of a behavior. While temper tantrums are normal in almost all children, some tantrums could be so extreme that they are frightening to parents and suggest that some specific intervention might be necessary. Parents should pay particular attention to their child's feelings of despair or hopelessness; lack of interest in family, friends, school or other activities once considered enjoyable; or behaviors that are dangerous to the child or to others.

Age of the child. Some behavior might be quite normal for a two-year-old, but observation of other children that age may lead to the conclusion that the behavior in question is not quite right for a five-year-old. Not all children reach the same emotional milestones at the same age, but extreme deviations from age-appropriate behaviors may well be cause for concern.

Attempts at self-injury or threats of suicide, violent behaviors, or severe withdrawal that creates an inability to carry on normal routines must be regarded as emergencies for which parents should seek immediate attention, through a mental health or medical clinic, mental health hotline, or crisis center.
Parents will also want to consider whether their child's behavior could be influenced by other factors, such as:

a specific physical condition (allergies, hearing problems, change in medication, etc.) that could be affecting the behavior;

school problems (relationships or learning problems) that are creating additional stress;

experimenting with drug use or alcohol for an adolescent or older teen; or

changes in the family (divorce, new child, death) that may cause concern for the child.

Young Children

Special consideration needs to be given to identifying behaviors of concern in very young children. Their well-being is so connected with that of the family, that services must be developed with and directed to the family as a unit. The goal in evaluating and providing services to a young child should include helping families to articulate their own stresses and strengths. It is in the context of family that a child first explores his or her world, and learns to adapt to the varied demands of families and the world at large.

Historically, many professionals have been cautious to have a child "labeled and judged" at an early age because children are in a developmental period. On the other hand, the earlier that parents and professionals can intervene in the life of a young child with delays in emotional and behavioral development, the better it is for both the child and the family.

Early evaluation and intervention requires that parents be involved in both giving and receiving information about their child's development. Interviews with families and observations of their child to assess how well he or she communicates, plays, relates to peers and adults, and is able to self-regulate behavior is useful in deciding whether the child has a developmental problem that needs attention.

Most often, the first indications that an infant may be experiencing significant problems will be delays in normal development. An infant who is unresponsive to his or her environment (doesn't show emotion such as pleasure or fear that is developmentally appropriate, doesn't look at or reach for objects, or doesn't respond to environmental changes such as sound or light), who is over responsive (easily startled, cries), or who shows weight loss or inadequate weight gain that is not explainable by a physical problem (failure to thrive), should have a thorough evaluation.

If parents have questions about their child's development, they should call their child's pediatrician or family physician. Many doctors who include young children in their practice will have materials available for parents on normal childhood development.

Toddlers may have a tremendous range of behaviors that would be considered developmentally appropriate. However, any significant delays (six months or more) in language development, motor skills, or cognitive development should be brought to the attention of the child's pediatrician.

Children who become engrossed in self-stimulating behavior to the exclusion of normal activities or who are self-abusive (head banging, biting, hitting), who do not form affectionate relationships with care providers, such as regular babysitters or relatives they see often, or who repeatedly hit, bite, kick or attempt to injure others should be seen by their pediatrician or family physician and, if indicated, by a competent mental health professional.

Especially with a first child, parents may feel uneasy, uncomfortable, or even foolish about seeking an evaluation for their very young child. While sorting out problems from developmental stages can be quite tricky with infants and toddlers, early identification and intervention can significantly reduce the effects of abnormal psychosocial development. Careful observation of infants and toddlers as they interact with caregivers, their family, or their environment is one of the most useful tools that families or physicians have, since many mental health problems cannot be diagnosed in any other way.

The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act of 2004 (IDEA) requires states to provide services for children from ages 3 through 21 who have disabilities. The section of the law that covers children birth through 2 is called Part C and recognizes the importance of families in meeting the needs of their young children. It requires that each state plan to provide early intervention services in collaboration with the main service providers for young children: human services, health, and education.

As of this writing, all states are receiving funds to provide services to infants and toddlers. Parents who have questions related to preschool or early intervention programs should call their local school district offices or their state Department of Education or Department of Health or Human Services for guidance.

Cultural Considerations

Evaluation of a child's mental or emotional status is the key to developing appropriate school or mental health services. For children who are from diverse cultures, parents will want to know how, or if, those differences will affect evaluation results.

Tests, by their very nature, have been developed to determine differences between one child and another. If everyone taking a test scored the same, then the test would be of no use. What's important, though, is that tests are used only in those areas they were designed to measure - such as depression or anxiety.

If the professional who is responsible for evaluation is not of the same cultural background as the child, parents should feel free to ask what his or her experiences have been in cross-cultural assessment or treatment. Professionals who are sensitive to issues of bias related to language, socioeconomic status, or culture in formal evaluation tools should willingly share such information with parents.

One way of minimizing the effects of cultural bias in obtaining an appropriate diagnosis is to use a multidisciplinary approach to evaluation involving persons from different backgrounds (teacher, therapist, parent, and social worker) in completing the evaluation. Several questions to consider are:

Do the data and conclusions from various professionals agree?

Did the professionals use family information about the child's functioning at home and in the community to aid in making a diagnosis?

Does the family believe the evaluation is accurate?

When a multidisciplinary approach is not practical or available, the person providing the evaluation should give the battery of tests following the procedures to reduce the effects of bias when making a determination that a child needs mental health services.

If children from specific ethnic or cultural groups appear to be overrepresented in a school or treatment program that has been selected or recommended for a child, parents should carefully examine the procedures for determining their child's placement.

If parents decide that the placement decision was not influenced by racial or cultural bias, that perspective can increase confidence in the program selected for their child.

Seeking a Diagnostic Evaluation From a Medical Professional

Once parents have decided that their child or adolescent has behaviors that deserve at least a look by a medical professional, the question then becomes where to turn for a diagnostic evaluation.

A family doctor can rule out physical health issues, perform a basic mental health screening, and refer families to an appropriate child or adolescent psychologist, or psychiatrist. Also, many hospitals and most community mental health centers offer comprehensive diagnostic and evaluation programs for children and adolescents.

School districts also do mental health screenings during kindergarten roundup, and the results from that screening might help you decide to move forward with contacting your child's pediatrician or another medical provider for a diagnostic evaluation.

Evaluations can be costly, but there are some supports available for families. Check with your insurance company to see if they will cover all or a portion of the costs of an evaluation, or Medical Assistance (Medicaid) may cover costs for eligible families.

Under the Affordable Care Act, marketplace health plans must cover preventative services for children at no charge, which includes behavioral assessments. For children eligible for Medicaid (Medical Assistance in Minnesota), the Early and Periodic Screening, Diagnosis and Treatment (EPSDT) Program provides preventive health care, including screening (evaluation), diagnosis, and appropriate mental health services.

Under EPSDT, a screening is a comprehensive health evaluation, including the status of a child's emotional health. A child is entitled to periodic screenings, or an inter-periodic screening (between normal screening times), whenever a physical or emotional problem is suspected, and to receive health services to address such problems from any Medicaid provider (public or private). Check with your state Medicaid office to get current information about the services under the EPSDT program.

Other parents, particularly those in rural areas, may want to first approach their county's public health nurse, or family and human services agency. Either may be able to direct them to an evaluation program available in their area.

Community mental health centers are also a good source of help, and can be less expensive than seeking out a private doctor or mental health professional. Parents will want to ask for professional staff with experience in evaluating the mental health needs of children. If in doubt, ask for the credentials and expertise of the professional who is assigned to work with the child. Credentials should be offered and displayed in the professional's workplace.

Children and youth in Minnesota may have access to mental health supports at school through school-linked mental health services. It is not a requirement in Minnesota for schools to provide these services, but a grant program from the Children's Mental Health Division at the Minnesota Department of Human Services has given some schools the opportunity to partner with community-based mental health providers so that students can have access to services at school. This partnership offers easier access for early intervention and treatment to prevent more serious mental illness, and offers students support in a natural, non-stigmatizing setting.

School-linked mental health services

Seeking a Free Comprehensive Special Education Evaluation for Services at School

There are federal and state laws that require certain services in school for children who have disabilities. The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act of 2004 (IDEA) is the federal law that addresses early intervention services for young children, as well as for school-age children who have disabilities. If your child needs more supports or services to help them be a successful learner, consider requesting an evaluation for special education from your school administrator.

The process of evaluation starts with Child Find, a process that requires schools to identify, locate, and evaluate students with disabilities who may need special education services and supports. An evaluation for special education is not the same as a diagnostic evaluation. A comprehensive special education evaluation determines if the student is in need of special education services (specially designed instruction and related services, and any necessary accommodations) due to their disability.

If the child is determined to meet the criteria as a child with a disability under IDEA, the school will put together a team, which includes the parent, to develop and write an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). This is a legal agreement between the school district and the child and their parent(s) for the provision of special education services.

If the child is not determined to meet the criteria as a child with a disability under IDEA, parents may want to consider a 504 Plan. Section 504 of the Rehabilitation Act of 1973 is a federal civil rights law that says it is not legal to discriminate against people with disabilities in any program receiving federal funds.

In school, Section 504 can help children and youth who have a mental health or emotional disorder but are not eligible for special education. Schools must first determine whether the child's impairment substantially limits their ability to learn, and then provide accommodations for that child. Accommodations can include such things as giving extra time to complete work, using headphones or going to a quiet place to help screen out noise. Section 504 helps children to succeed in the activities that are available to all students.

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Does My Child Have an Emotional or Behavioral Disorder? - Children's Mental Health and Emotional or Behavioral Disorders Project

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What to Look for: Among all the dilemmas facing a parent of a child with emotional or behavioral problems, the first question-whether the child's behavior is sufficiently different to require a comprehensive evaluation by professionals-may be the most troublesome of all.

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Back to school planning for children - COVID precautions for in-person learning.

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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

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Important update: Healthcare facilities

CDC has updated select ways to operate healthcare systems effectively in response to COVID-19 vaccination. Learn more

Back to School Planning: Checklists to Guide Parents, Guardians, and Caregivers

For many families, school will look different this year than it has in previous years. Your school may offer virtual learning or have new policies and practices in place to prevent the spread of COVID-19 during in-person learning. Whatever the situation, these checklists are intended to help parents, guardians, and caregivers, plan and prepare for the upcoming school year.

Some of the changes in schools' classroom attendance or structure may include:

Cohorts: Dividing students and teachers into distinct groups that stay together throughout an entire school day during in-person classroom instruction. Schools may allow minimal or no interaction between cohorts (also sometimes referred to as pods).

Hybrid: A mix of virtual learning and in-class learning. Hybrid options can apply a cohort approach to the in-class education provided.

Virtual/at-home only: Students and teachers engage in virtual-only classes, activities, and events.

Planning for in-person classes

This school year will require schools and families to work together even more than before. Schools will be making changes to their policies and operations with several goals: supporting learning; providing important services, such as school meals, extended daycare, extracurricular activities, and social services; and limiting the transmission of SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19. Teachers and staff can teach and encourage preventive behaviors at school. Likewise, it will be important for families to emphasize and model healthy behaviors at home and to talk to your children about changes to expect this school year. Even if your child resumes in-person learning at school, it is important to prepare for the possibility of virtual learning if school closes or if your child becomes exposed to COVID-19 and needs to stay home.

CDC has created a checklist to help with ongoing planning for school year (SY) 2020-2021. If your school uses a hybrid model, you may want to review both the in-person and virtual/at-home learning checklists.

In-Person Learning Checklist (PDF version)

Planning checklist with editable fields for making notes

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In-Person Learning Checklist (web version)

Actions to take and points to consider

Check in with your child each morning for signs of illness. If your child has a temperature of 100.4 degrees or higher, they should not go to school.

Make sure your child does not have a sore throat or other signs of illness, like a cough, diarrhea, severe headache, vomiting, or body aches.

If your child has had close contact to a COVID-19 case, they should not go to school. Follow guidance on what to do when someone has known exposure.

Identify your school point person(s) to contact if your child gets sick.

Name of school point person(s)

Contact information

Be familiar with local COVID-19 testingexternal icon sites in the event you or your child develops symptoms. These may include sites with free testing available.

Make sure your child is up-to-date with all recommended vaccines, including for flu. All school-aged children should get an influenza flu vaccine every season, with rare exceptions. This is especially important this year because we do not yet know if being sick with COVID-19 at the same time as the flu will result in more severe illness.

Review and practice proper hand washing techniques at home, especially before and after eating, sneezing, coughing, and adjusting a mask or cloth face covering. Make hand washing fun and explain to your child why it's important.

Be familiar with how your school will make water available during the day. Consider packing a water bottle.

Develop daily routines before and after school-for example, things to pack for school in the morning (like hand sanitizer and an additional (back up) mask) and things to do when you return home (like washing hands immediately and washing masks).

Talk to your child about precautions to take at school. Children may be advised to:

Wash and sanitize their hands more often.

Keep physical distance from other students.

Wear a mask.

Avoid sharing objects with other students, including water bottles, devices, writing instruments, and books.

Use hand sanitizer (that contains at least 60% alcohol.) Make sure you're using a safe product. FDA recalled productsexternal icon that contain toxic methanol. Monitor how they feel and tell an adult if they are not feeling well.

Develop a plan as a family to protect household members who are at increased risk for severe illness.

Make sure your information is current at school, including emergency contacts and individuals authorized to pick up your child(ren) from school. If that list includes anyone who is at increased risk for severe illness from COVID-19, consider identifying an alternate person.

Be familiar with your school's plan for how they will communicate with families when a positive case or exposure to someone with COVID-19 is identified and ensure student privacy is upheld.

Plan for possible school closures or periods of quarantine. If transmission is increasing in your community or if multiple children or staff test positive for COVID-19, the school building might close. Similarly, if a close contact of your child (within or outside of school) tests positive for COVID-19, your child may need to stay home for a 2-week quarantine period. You may need to consider the feasibility of teleworking, taking leave from work, or identifying someone who can supervise your child in the event of school building closures or quarantine.

Plan for transportation:

If your child rides a bus, plan for your child to wear a mask on the bus. Masks are required by federal order on school buses and other format of public transportation.
Talk to your child about the importance of following bus rules and any spaced seating rules. Children from the same household can sit together without distancing.

If carpooling, plan on every child in the carpool and the driver wearing masks for the entire trip. If your school uses the cohort model, consider finding families within your child's group/cohort at school to be part of the carpool.

If your child has an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or 504 Plan or receives other learning support (e.g., tutoring), ask your school how these services will continue.

If your child receives speech, occupational or physical therapy or other related services from the school, ask your school how these services will continue.

If your child receives mental health or behavioral services (e.g., social skills training, counseling), ask your school how these services will continue.

If your school uses a cohorting model, consider limiting your child's in-person out-of-school interactions to children in the same cohort or to activities where physical distancing can be maintained.

Reinforce the concept of physical distancing with your child.

Talk to your school administrators and teachers about their plans for physical education and physical activity (e.g., recess).
Safer options include being outdoors when possible, reducing the number of people in an indoor space, and encouraging students to stay at least 6 ft apart.

Ask how your school plans to help ensure that students are following practices to reduce the spread of COVID-19.

CDC recommends that schools require consistent and correct use of well-fitting face masks with proper filtration by all students, teachers, and staff to prevent SARS-CoV-2 transmission through respiratory droplets. Remind your child that masks should be worn at all times except for certain settings or activities, such as while eating or drinking. Masks should be used in all classroom and non-classroom settings, including hallways, school offices, restrooms, gyms, auditoriums, etc.

Most students, including those with disabilities, can tolerate and safely wear a mask. However, a narrow subset of students with disabilities might not be able to wear a mask or cannot safely wear a mask. Those who cannot safely wear a mask-for example, a person with a disability who, for reasons related to the disability, would be physically unable to remove a mask without assistance if breathing becomes obstructed-should not be required to wear one.

Consider asking school officials what steps your school will take to minimize the potential for students to be singled out or teased for wearing or not wearing a mask and discuss any challenges your child might have following mask recommendations.

Masks should not be worn by:

Children younger than 2 years old

Anyone who has trouble breathing

Anyone who is unconscious, incapacitated, or otherwise unable to remove the mask without assistance

Actions to take and points to consider

Have multiple masks, so you can wash them daily and have back-ups ready. Choose masks that

Fit snugly but comfortably against the side of the face

Completely cover the nose and mouth

Are secured with ties or ear loops

Include multiple layers of fabric

Allow for breathing without restriction

Can be washed and machine dried without damage or change to shape

Label your child's masks clearly in a permanent marker so that they are not confused with those of other children.

Practice with your child putting on and taking off masks without touching the cloth.

Explain the importance of wearing a mask and how appropriately worn masks reduce the chances of getting and spreading COVID-19.

Consider talking to your child about other people who may not be able to wear masks for medical reasons (e.g., asthma).

As a family, model wearing masks, especially when you are in situations where physical distancing is difficult to maintain or impossible.

If you have a young child, help build their comfort wearing a mask and become comfortable seeing others in masks.

Praise your child for wearing a mask correctly.

Put a mask on stuffed animals.

Draw a mask on a favorite book character.

Show images of other children wearing masks.

Allow your child to choose their mask that meets any dress requirements your school may have.

Suggestions from the American Academy of Pediatricsexternal icon

Consider providing your child with a container (e.g., labeled resealable bag) to bring to school to store their masks when not wearing it (e.g., when eating)

Since the school experience will be very different from before with desks far apart from each other, teachers maintaining physical distance, and the possibility of staying in the classroom for lunch, it is unlike anything your child is used to. Before school is in session, you may want to talk to your child and explain that all these steps are being taken to keep everyone safe and healthy. The list below provides actions and considerations regarding your child's mental health and emotional well-being as they transition back to in-person school. CDC's Stress and Coping During the COVID-19 Pandemic provides additional resources for you and your family. In addition, if your child seems to need mental health or behavioral services (e.g., social skills training, counseling), you may want to ask your school administrator for more information on these services.
Actions to take and points to consider

Talk with your child about how school will look different (e.g., desks far apart from each other, teachers maintaining physical distance, possibility of staying in the classroom for lunch).

Talk with your child about how school is going and about interactions with classmates and teachers. Find out how your child is feeling and communicate that what they may be feeling is normal.

Anticipate behavior changes in your child. Watch for changes like excessive crying or irritation, excessive worry or sadness, unhealthy eating or sleeping habits, difficulty concentrating, which may be signs of your child struggling with stress and anxiety.

Try to attend school activities and meetings. Schools may offer more of these virtually. As a parent, staying informed and connected may reduce your feelings of anxiety and provide a way for you to express any concerns you may have about your child's school.

Ask your school about any plans to reduce potential stigma related to having or being suspected of having COVID-19.

Check if your school has any systems in place to identify and provide mental health services to students in need of support. If so, identify a point of contact for these services at your school.

Name of school point person

Contact information

Check if your school has a plan to help students adjust to being back in school. Students might need help adjusting to how COVID-19 has disrupted their daily life. Support may include school counseling and psychological services (including grief counseling), social-emotional learning (SEL)-focused programs and curricula, and peer/social support groups.

Check if your school will provide training for students in mindfulness, incorporating SEL into classroom curriculum (either virtually or in-person), or support a child's ability to cope with stress and anxiety. If not, consider asking about ways to add this to your child's at-home learning.

You can be a role model for your child by practicing self-care:

Take breaks

Get plenty of sleep

Exercise

Eat well

Stay socially connected

Download the checklist:
Alternate languages: |

Planning for virtual or at-home learning

Virtual learning may be a choice or part of a child's Individualized Education Program (IEP) or Section 504 Plan for some children and families, and it may be necessary if your child has certain underlying health conditions or is immunocompromised. In a hybrid model, learning may occur virtually during part of the week and occur in-person for the rest. Virtual or at-home learning may pose additional challenges with staying connected to peers, since students may have less frequent or no in-person interactions to each other. You may want to talk to school staff to learn more about what they are doing to support connection among students, interactive learning with feedback, building resilience, and social-emotional wellbeing for students who will not be onsite. In addition, if your child receives speech, occupational, or physical therapy or other related services from the school, ask your school how these services will continue during virtual at-home learning. Likewise, if your child receives mental health or behavioral services (e.g., social skills training, counseling), ask your school how these services will continue during virtual at-home learning.

Virtual or At-Home Learning Checklist (PDF version)

Checklist with editable fields for making notes

Download

Edit and save

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You can also see a non-PDF version of the checklist below.

Alternate languages: |

Virtual or At-Home Learning Checklist (web version)

Actions to take and points to consider

Try to attend school activities and meetings. Schools may offer more of these virtually. These meetings can be a way to express any concerns you may have about the school's plans.

Create a schedule with your child and make a commitment to stick with it. Structure and routine can greatly help your child from falling behind with assignments. Discuss your family's schedule and identify the best times for learning and instruction, as well as family-oriented physical activity, such as walks outside. A family calendar or other visuals could be useful for keeping track of deadlines and assignments.

Try to find a space where you live that's free of distractions, noise, and clutter for learning and doing homework. This could be a quiet, well-lit place in your dining room or living room or a corner of your home that could fit a small table, if available.

Identify opportunities for your child to connect with peers and be social-either virtually or in person, while maintaining physical distance.

Here are some things to look for when reviewing your school's plan for virtual or at-home learning. Some of these action items and points to consider might warrant additional conversations with your school administrators or healthcare provider.
Actions to take and points to consider

Find out if there will be regular and consistent opportunities during each day for staff and student check-ins and peer-to-peer learning.

Find out if students have regular opportunities for live video instruction by teachers or if they will primarily be watching pre-recorded videos and receive accompanying assignments.

Ask if the school will offer virtual or socially distanced physical activity. If not, identify ways to add physical activity to your child's daily routine.

Ask your school what steps they are taking to help students adjust to being back in school and to the ways that COVID-19 may have disrupted their daily life. Supports may include school counseling and psychological services, social-emotional learning (SEL)-focused programs, and peer/social support groups.

If your child participates in school meal programs, identify how your school district plans to make meals available to students who are learning virtually at home.

If your child has an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or 504 Plan or receives other learning support (e.g., tutoring), ask your school how these services will continue during virtual at-home learning.

If your child receives speech, occupational or physical therapy or other related services from the school, ask your school how these services will continue during virtual at-home learning.

If your child receives mental health or behavioral services (e.g., social skills training, counseling), ask your school how these services will continue during virtual at-home learning.

If you anticipate having technological barriers to learning from home, ask if your school or community can provide support or assistance for students without appropriate electronic devices for schoolwork (like a computer/laptop or tablet).

If your school offers a hybrid model, be familiar with your school's plan for how they will communicate with families when a positive case or exposure to someone with COVID-19 is identified and ensure student privacy is upheld.

Since the school experience will be very different from before with desks far apart from each other, teachers maintaining physical distance, and the possibility of staying in the classroom for lunch, it is unlike anything your child is used to. Before school is in session, you may want to talk to your child and explain that all these steps are being taken to keep everyone safe and healthy. The list below provides actions and considerations regarding your child's mental health and social-emotional wellbeing, as they transition to virtual or at-home learning.

CDC's Stress and Coping During the COVID-19 Pandemic provides some additional resources for you and your family.
Actions to take and points to consider

Watch for and anticipate behavior changes in your child (e.g., excessive crying or irritation, excessive worry or sadness, unhealthy eating or sleeping habits, difficulty concentrating), which may be signs of your child struggling with stress and anxiety.

Talk with your child about how school is going and about interactions with classmates and teachers. Find out how your child is feeling and communicate that what they may be feeling is normal.

Ask your school about any plans to reduce potential stigma related to having or being suspected of having COVID-19.

Ask your school about any plans to support school connectedness to ensure that students do not become socially isolated during extended periods of virtual/at-home learning.

Check if your school has any systems in place to identify and provide mental health services to students in need support. If so, identify the point of contact for these services at your school.

Name of school point person

Contact information

Check if school has a plan to help students adjust to virtual/at-home learning and more broadly, to the ways COVID-19 may have disrupted their daily life. Supports may include school counseling and psychological services, social-emotional learning (SEL)-focused programs and curricula, and peer/social support groups.

Identify opportunities for your child to be physically active during virtual/at-home learning.

Check if your school will provide virtual/at-home training for students in mindfulness, incorporating SEL into classroom curriculum, or stress and coping supports for your child.

You can be a role model for your child by practicing self-care:

Take breaks

Get plenty of sleep

Exercise

Eat well

Stay socially connected

Download the checklist:
Alternate languages: |

Resources to navigate stress and uncertainty

Below are governmental and non-governmental resources that can help parents, guardians, and caregivers navigate stress and uncertainty and to build resilience for you and your children heading into the school year.

Non-government resources

Exit notification/disclaimer policy

Links with this icon (external icon) indicate that you are leaving a CDC Web site. The link may lead to a non-federal site, but it provides additional information that is consistent with the intended purpose of a federal site. The Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) cannot attest to the accuracy of a non-federal site. Linking to a non-federal site does not constitute an endorsement by HHS or any of its employees of the sponsors or the information and products presented on the site. You will be subject to the destination site's privacy policy when you follow the link.

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Important update: Healthcare facilities CDC has updated select ways to operate healthcare systems effectively in response to COVID-19 vaccination. Learn more Back to School Planning: Checklists to Guide Parents, Guardians, and Caregivers For many families, school will look different this year than it has in previous years.

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The importance of school psychologists and how they can help your child.

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Best Psychology Degrees | Your guide to top Psychology Degree Programs

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Times have changed. While academic matters are still the main focus of schools, social, economic and political factors have altered the school environment. In this setting, school psychologists have emerged as advocates for children, providing compassion and guidance to ensure that students' emotional issues are addressed appropriately. School psychologists play various roles in the school system, including that of crisis counselors, testing facilitators and community outreach coordinators, among other roles.

1. School psychologists have extensive training in child development.

The school psychologist may work as part of a team that includes the teachers, guidance counselor and social worker. The expertise of the school psychologist is especially helpful in addressing the needs of children with chronic conditions and making sure that they thrive in the classroom setting.

Data from the Centers for Disease Control indicate that 9.5 percent of children between 3 and 17 years have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and the schools play a big part in ensuring that these children receive the treatments and therapies to make sure that they can cope with the learning process. School psychologists play a crucial role in providing expert observations, testing and developing Individualized Education Plans that address the needs of children with ADHD and other conditions.

2. School psychologists are trained for crisis-intervention situations.

It is unfortunate that crime and violence have extended to the schools. The fragile psyche of developing minds is greatly affected by witnessing or even just hearing of these incidents. The school psychologist is always part of the school crisis team that is ready to provide counseling and emotional support to children touched by tragedies, including death of fellow students, teachers and other catastrophic events that may affect students directly or indirectly.

3. School psychologists help create safe schools and positive environments conducive to learning.

Youth violence includes different behaviors that can harm someone physically and emotionally. School violence may happen on campus or offsite at school-sponsored events. Bullying, verbal threats, physical altercation on any level and assault with weapons have, unfortunately, become part of the environment in some schools. A 2012 CDC report indicated that 749,200 nonfatal incidents of student-on-student victimizations occurred in middle schools and high schools. A separate report mentioned that at least 7 percent skipped school in the last 30 days prior to the survey because they feared for their safety.

Resource: Top 15 Most Affordable School Psychology Degrees

School districts have turned to psychologists to assess the prevailing climate in schools and recommend strategies to identify at-risk students, areas of school vulnerability and prevention programs. School psychologists are tasked with creating intervention services that promote redemptive discipline, restorative justice and school-wide preventive efforts. These programs have to consider various factors, including social and cultural sensitivities, religious differences and socio-economic realities.

4. The school psychologist plays a role in strengthening family and school partnerships and community outreach.

In the past, the school psychologist was relegated to the task of helping schools and families navigate the special education process for children with developmental issues and other specialized concerns. While this remains a primary concern, psychologists in the school setting are expected to be available to help families understand their children's emotional and mental health needs and to connect them with service providers as needed.

The school psychologist is expected to serve as liaison between families and the school and between the school and the community. The psychologist is a diplomat of sorts, trained to bring together people of various cultures and backgrounds to promote a learning environment that is safe and inclusive. Psychologists have the additional task of helping students transitioning between school and other learning environments, such as juvenile justice programs or residential treatment settings.

5. School psychologists support school accountability efforts through assessments.

Testing is a hot-button issue in today's schools. School psychologists are expected to help generate useful data through assessments that would help identify critical areas for academic improvement. Test results are also useful in monitoring students' year-over-year progress and determining risk factors that may have an impact on learning outcomes.

Budget restrictions and changing priorities have highlighted the important roles that the school psychologist plays in the educational system. With socio-economic and political factors weighing on the system, the school psychologist will continue to play a crucial part in ensuring that schools are responsive to a changing world.

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5 Reasons Why School Psychologists are Essential Today

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Times have changed. While academic matters are still the main focus of schools, social, economic and political factors have altered the school environment. In this setting, school psychologists have emerged as advocates for children, providing compassion and guidance to ensure that students' emotional issues are addressed appropriately.

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Positive ways to help children manage their behavior at home and within the community.

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(Johan Keslassy/For The Washington Post)

"Max keeps getting in trouble," my friend Dena said. A sixth-grade teacher sent him to the office for swearing at her. Another reported him for throwing a chair when kids laughed at him for thinking Puerto Rico was a state.

Dena and I are both school counselors, but she felt ill-equipped to help her own son. "I feel like the worst mother ever," she told me.

Parents often blame themselves for their child's misbehavior, said Katherine Reynolds Lewis, the author of " The Good News About Bad Behavior." "This idea that kids' behavior is a reflection on the parent creates such a fear-based parenting culture, but all kids mess up. It's part of learning self-control and how to behave in a given situation."

According to recent research, a child who lashes out may not even be acting with intentionality, said psychologist Mona Delahooke, the author of " Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges." She explained that many challenging behaviors are subconscious, involuntary and occur when a child inaccurately perceives threat. She urges adults to view kids with challenging behaviors as individuals with vulnerable nervous systems, not "problem children."

Simply meting out rewards and punishments often does not work. Here's how to elicit lasting behavioral change, according to the experts.

9 ways parents can empower a child who has learning issues

Lead with empathy and connection

Delahooke told of a 12-year-old boy who seemed fine when he found out his favorite teacher had been transferred to a new school, but 10 minutes later, turned over his desk and was sent to an isolation room as punishment. "This was a foster child with multiple losses who had no idea why he did that, and the punishment only served to make him feel worse," she said. "He needed more connection, not less."

"If I just send kids away for breaking the code of conduct, I tell them they're disposable while rewarding them for their misbehavior," said Jessica Lahey, a teacher and author of " The Gift of Failure."

When she taught drug- and alcohol-addicted teens, one of her students leaped out a classroom window and took off running. "I don't think he had an actual plan other than 'away,' " she said. The boy was transferred to a facility that offered more intensive treatment.

Lahey had never been trained to work with kids whose traumatic home environment manifests as defiance or rage, but she learned through experience to lead with empathy. Similarly, parents may need to strengthen their relationship with their child before they can effectively target behavioral change.

Borrow tactics from negotiation

In both negotiation and parenting, you need to pick your battles, said Rellie Derfler-Rozin, assistant professor of management and organization at the University of Maryland's business school. "Win-win in negotiation is about giving the other person as much as you can while still getting what you care about," she explained. "Never say, 'This is my last offer,' unless it really is. Parents lose credibility if they don't follow through on a threat."

Derfler-Rozin also recommends thinking about your child's interest rather than their position. Their position might be that they want more screen time, but their interest could relate to a desire to belong, which you could address in other ways.

If parents want to change a behavior, they have to understand its purpose. Otherwise, they will probably come up with an intervention that lacks staying power, said Brendan O'Day, an adjunct professor at Georgetown University's business school. He relayed the story of a boy who was playing Fortnite in the middle of the night. "His father tried locking the controllers in his truck, but the kid smashed the windows to get them back." Instead of relying on that kind of technical solution, address the adaptive challenge, which involves figuring out what's at stake. "What need is the behavior serving?" O'Day said. "Do they want to feel competent? Do they want to hang out with peers? Are they looking for a way to relax?"

Talk above their age or maturity level

Research shows that children are more likely to behave when parents convey that they trust them and have high expectations. "The very thing that's missing is what you should give away - respect and authority," said psychologist Adam Cox, author of " Cracking the Boy Code." He advises parents to invite their child's perspective on complex moral and ethical issues, ask them questions that are slightly above their age, and assign them difficult tasks that align with their interests.

"So many kids feel essentially disrespected because no one gives them anything important to do," he said. "Kids who are dysregulated are demanding respect, and if we don't give it to them, they're not going to give it to us."

Focus more on relating than teaching

Julie Morgenstern, author of " Time to Parent: Organizing Your Life to Bring Out the Best In Your Child and You," has analyzed how parents spend their time and draws a distinction between teaching and relating. "When we teach kids, we bring them into the adult world and they're the student of us," she said. "When we relate to them, we enter their world and become their students."

She once worked with a client whose 11-year-old daughter was struggling. She said, "I can't reach my daughter; she keeps storming away from the dinner table." Morgenstern realized the woman was spending 95 percent of her time trying to teach her daughter life lessons about how to ignore gossipy girls and focus on schoolwork, and suggested she instead say things like, "I hate when that happens to me." When the mother focused less on lecturing, her daughter's mood and behavior improved because she felt heard, understood and validated.

Be intentional with vocal tone and language

Cox encourages parents to use "task tone" to eliminate unhelpful emotionality and make requests or suggestions feel more manageable. He describes the vocal tone as focused, steady and directive, "not shouting like a drill sergeant."

The words you choose are equally important. "One of the most powerful phrases I use with my kids is, 'I can't make you do this,' " Reynolds Lewis said. "When you drop the rope, your child has to grapple with the situation instead of avoiding it by fighting with you."

Avoid lecturing, and pose open-ended questions. You might ask, "Why did you cuss at your teacher?" said Nathan Maynard, chief executive at BehaviorFlip and co-author of " Hacking School Discipline." "If your child responds, 'I was mad,' follow up with, 'What are some other ways you could deal with your anger?' "

Teach them how to recover from mistakes

Instead of shaming a child or insulting their character, ask the child whether they were their best self. Then help them repair the harm. Model what it means to take responsibility and make amends. "If your child is weak on accountability, look at your behavior," said Sue Enquist, founder of One Softball and former head softball coach at ULCLA. "Kids are human sponges" - they'll soak up and acquire both your good and bad habits.

Any consequence should be logical and restorative. "If a kid is throwing food in the cafeteria, the consequence should be to clean the cafeteria, not just talk it through," said Brad Weinstein, chief innovation officer of BehaviorFlip and co-author of "Hacking School Discipline."

Maynard once mediated a situation involving a teen who stole classmates' cellphones. "The boy and I met with one of the targets at the target's home to talk about how we could make it right, and everyone got a chance to talk about how they'd been impacted," he said. "Understanding the ripple effect of his behavior is what made the boy want to stop stealing."

Help them connect their emotions to behavior

To help your child self-regulate, explain that feelings are tied to behavior. Julie Lythcott-Haims, the author of " How to Raise an Adult," recalled a time when her well-behaved, kind son was picking on his younger sister. "Instead of making it about the bad thing he was doing, I said, 'Sawyer, was someone mean to you today?' He looked at me and said, 'I didn't feel good when such-and-such happened at recess.' I said, 'The reason I'm asking is because this is unlike you, and I know if person A is mean to person B, then someone was probably mean to person A.' "

Two years later, when Sawyer was 11, Lythcott-Haims discovered he had absorbed the lesson. "I was an emotional mess and inflicting it on my family," she said. "My son reached out, put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Mom, was someone mean to you today?' My eyes welled up, my anger completely abated and I said, 'Wow, thank you for asking.' It was so powerful."

Examine unmet expectations

Gather information from your child about why they are having difficulty meeting expectations. "We adults are famous for thinking we know what's going on, imposing solutions, and getting mad at the kid when the solutions don't work," said psychologist Ross Greene, author of " The Explosive Child." "But the kid was not a party to those solutions." He advises parents to view their child as their partner, not their adversary, and solve problems together.

"Parents may fear they're relinquishing authority and lowering expectations, but neither is true," Greene added. "The biggest complaint I get from kids is their parents aren't listening, and the biggest complaint I get from parents is their kids aren't talking. But they're not talking because we're not listening."

When Dena asked Max how she could best support him, she discovered that kids had been taunting him for months. Max attended a meeting with his teachers and school counselor, who started to pay closer attention to the classroom culture and gave him tools for managing frustration. As soon as Max felt supported and could envision a path forward, he stopped acting out.

As Delahooke noted, behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg. "For each child, you need to go under the waterline and address the causes through relational safety, human connection and warmth. Kids want to do well and will do well if they can."

Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC is the school counselor at Sheridan School in the District, a therapist at Chrysalis Group in Bethesda, and the author of "Middle School Matters." She blogs at phyllisfagell.com and tweets @pfagell.

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Perspective | 8 ways to change a child's 'bad' behavior

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"Max keeps getting in trouble," my friend Dena said. A sixth-grade teacher sent him to the office for swearing at her. Another reported him for throwing a chair when kids laughed at him for thinking Puerto Rico was a state. Dena and I are both school counselors, but she felt ill-equipped to help her own son.

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The importance of school social workers and the services they can provide your family.

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Various resources for families to utilize. This website contains suggestions for learning disabilities, behavioral challenges, home-life, and more

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Copyright © 2014-2021 Understood For All Inc. All rights reserved. "Understood" and related logos are trademarks of Understood For All Inc. and are used with permission. This website provides information of a general nature and is designed for information and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. Understood is a nonprofit initiative. Understood does not and will not take money from pharmaceutical companies. We do not market to or offer services to individuals in the European Union. For more information, please review the Terms and Conditions.

"Understood" as used above includes Understood For All Inc., and their officers, affiliates, parents, and related entities, and their respective employees, contractors, or other personnel.

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Copyright © 2014-2021 Understood For All Inc. All rights reserved. "Understood" and related logos are trademarks of Understood For All Inc. and are used with permission. This website provides information of a general nature and is designed for information and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice.

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How to help children regulate their emotions.

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If you're a parent, chances are you've witnessed a tantrum or two in your day. We expect them in two-year-olds. But if your child reaches school age and meltdowns and outbursts are still frequent, it may be a sign that they have difficulty with emotional self-regulation.

Simply put, self-regulation is the difference between a two-year-old and a five-year-old who is more able to control their emotions. Helping kids who haven't developed self-regulation skills at the typical age is the goal of parent training programs. And many older children, even if they're beyond tantrums, continue to struggle with impulsive and inappropriate behavior.

What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions and behavior in accordance with the demands of the situation. It includes being able to resist highly emotional reactions to upsetting stimuli, to calm yourself down when you get upset, to adjust to a change in expectations, and to handle frustration without an outburst. It is a set of skills that enables children, as they mature, to direct their own behavior towards a goal, despite the unpredictability of the world and our own feelings.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

Problems with self-regulation manifest in different ways depending on the child, says Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "Some kids are instantaneous - they have a huge, strong reaction and there's no lead-in or build-up," he says. "They can't inhibit that immediate behavior response."

For other kids, he notes, distress seems to build up and they can only take it for so long. Eventually it leads to some sort of behavioral outburst. "You can see them going down the wrong path but you don't know how to stop it."

The key for both kinds of kids is to learn to handle those strong reactions and find ways to express their emotions that are more effective (and less disruptive) than having a meltdown.

Why do some kids struggle with self-regulation?

Dr. Rouse sees emotional control issues as a combination of temperament and learned behavior.

"A child's innate capacities for self-regulation are temperament and personality-based," he explains. Some babies have trouble self-soothing, he adds, and get very distressed when you're trying to bathe them or put on clothes. Those kids may be more likely to experience trouble with emotional self-regulation when they're older.

But the environment plays a role as well. When parents give in to tantrums or work overtime to soothe their children when they get upset and act out, kids have a hard time developing self-discipline. "In those situations, the child is basically looking to the parents to be external self-regulators," Dr. Rouse says. "If that's a pattern that happens again and again, and a child is able to 'outsource' self-regulation, then that's something that might develop as a habit."

Children with ADHD or anxiety may find it particularly challenging to manage their emotions, and need more help to develop emotional regulation skills.

How do we teach self-regulation skills?

Scott Bezsylko, the executive director of the Winston Prep schools for children with learning differences, says that acting out is essentially an ineffective response to a stimulus. The parent or teacher needs to help the child slow down and more carefully choose an effective response instead of being impulsive.

"We approach self-regulation skills in the same way we approach other skills, academic or social: isolate that skill and provide practice," Bezsylko explains. "When you think of it as a skill to be taught - rather than, say, just bad behavior - it changes the tone and content of the feedback you give kids. "

The key to learning self-regulation skills, says Dr. Rouse, is not to avoid situations that are difficult for kids to handle, but to coach kids through them and provide a supportive framework - clinicians call it "scaffolding" the behavior you want to encourage - until they can handle these challenges on their own.

Imagine a situation that can produce strong negative emotions, like a frustrating math homework assignment. If a parent hovers too much, they risk taking over the regulation role. "Instead of the child recognizing that the work is frustrating and figuring out how to handle it," Dr. Rouse explains, "what they feel is that the parent is frustrating them by making them do it."

Scaffolding in this situation might be helping the child with one problem, and then expecting them to try the rest. If they feel frustrated, they might get up and get a drink. They might use a timer to give themselves periodic breaks. The parent would check in on them at intervals, and offer praise for their efforts.

If a child is prone to melting down when they're asked to stop playing a video game, scaffolding might be practicing transitioning away from the game. "You'd want to practice with a game in which they're not overly invested - you don't want to begin with high-stakes," Dr. Rouse explains. "Have them practice playing for two or three minutes and then handing you the game. They get points towards something they want every time they do it."

Dry runs are another way to scaffold self-regulation. For instance, if you've had trouble with a child reacting impulsively or having a tantrum in a store, make a short visit when you don't need to do serious shopping. Have them practice walking with you, keeping their hands to themselves. They get points towards some goal every time they are successful.

Dr. Rouse says that often parents get discouraged when things don't go well the first time they try skill-building, but consistency and starting at a level that is appropriate for your child are key. Rather than giving up, try paring down the activity so it is more doable, and slowly give your child more and more independence to handle it.

For instance, if brushing their teeth is a problem for your child, you might start by focusing just on putting toothpaste on the brush, and respond with positive feedback and rewards when they do it. Once they've practiced that a few times, add the next step in the chain.

Similarly, if getting out the door in the morning is causing meltdowns, target one step at a time. First, say, getting dressed by 7:15. Once they've mastered that, set a target time for breakfast, and add that. Breaking the chain into small steps allows them to build self-regulation skills in manageable increments.

Help kids become self-reflective

Bezsylko stresses that when parents or teachers approach impulsive, inappropriate behavior calmly and give them time, kids can learn to choose better ways to respond to that situation. The feedback kids need is non-judgmental and non-emotional: what went wrong, and why, and how they can fix it next time.

"When kids are part of an environment that's reflective and analytic as opposed to emotional and fast-paced," Bezsylko explains, "they can learn to make better choices." Slowing down allows children to become more thoughtful, reflective and self-aware. "We need to slow down and model self-reflection and self-awareness and self-regulation for our kids," he notes, "but it's also helpful and good for us, too."

Bezsylko notes that mindfulness and meditation are good for everyone, but especially for children with self-regulation challenges. And Dr. Rouse mentions the many parent training programs available to help them become better coaches for their kids. For older kids, dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is also an option, as it focuses on distress tolerance and emotion regulation.

At the end of the day, though, nothing can replace the work of the parent. "It seems to me," says Dr. Rouse, "that the family environment is the most important piece."

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I help my child regulate their emotions?

What is self-regulation in child development?

At what age can a child control their emotions?

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How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? - Child Mind Institute

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Tips for helping kids improve their self-regulation skills when they need help to control emotions, handle frustration and resist impulsive behavior. Advice from experts.

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How to effectively discipline children with Oppositional Defiance.

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Children with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder are blatantly disobedient, disrespectful, and confrontational. Standard discipline strategies don't work. So what do you do? Follow the strategies in this video to restore order to your home.

Children with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder take defiant behavior to the extreme. When your traditional discipline methods aren't working, what do you do?

In this video, learn eight new discipline strategies for parents of children with ADHD and ODD.

8 Discipline Rules for Oppositional Defiant Disorder

Children with oppositional defiant disorder are blatantly disobedient, disrespectful, and confrontational.

Standard discipline doesn't work. Instead, follow these strategies for how to discipline a child with oppositional defiant disorder:
1. Treat before you punish.
Never discipline your child for behaviors that are symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ( ADHD or ADD). Opposition and defiance are sometimes neurological - not intentional. Once your treatment plan has impulsivity under control, you will know which acts are punishable.
2. Exercise away hostility.
A potent tonic for the brain is daily physical exercise for ADHD. It promotes healthy brain function and helps children control aggression.
3. Know your child's patterns.
Note when and where your child's anger flares. Documentation may help identify triggers and suggest effective interventions.
4. Be clear about rules and consequences.
Explain what behavior is expected, and exactly what consequences your child will face for breaking the rules. Then, consistently enforce those rules.
5. Stay cool-headed and under control.
Instead of overreacting - and teaching your child to fear mom or dad - breathe deep and be a model of how to behave when you're upset.
6. Use a code word like 'bubble gum.'
This is a private signal that tells your child to calm down. Your child can also use it to express that he is getting upset. Sometimes, just the words no and stop can push an emotional child over the edge.
7. Stay positive.
Boost your child's self-esteem by "catching" him behaving well and by doling out praise.
8. Call in the professionals.
In some cases, you may need outside help to reset the pattern of disruptive behavior in your home.

Work with a behavioral psychologist to root out the cause of aggression.

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Updated on August 12, 2019

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Oppositional Defiant Disorder Strategies: 8 Rules for Effective Discipline

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Children with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder are blatantly disobedient, disrespectful, and confrontational. Standard discipline strategies don't work. So what do you do? Follow the strategies in this video to restore order to your home. Children with ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder take defiant behavior to the extreme.

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How to help children with depression.

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It's normal for children and teens to feel down sometimes. When kids experience a difficult event such as the loss of a loved one, for example, they may feel grief or deep sadness. For a while, they may not be able to feel happy even when doing the things they usually enjoy. It is normal for grief to lessen over time, though.

Depression is not the same as sadness or grief.

Depression is a mood disorder that causes sadness and related symptoms to be more intense or last longer than usual after a difficult event. Depression can also occur without a triggering event. Children may have depression if their symptoms, which may include sadness, occur every day for more than 2 weeks.

Children and teens may not always know how to describe what they are feeling, or may try to avoid talking about it. Older children and teens may try to hide their feelings because they don't want to bother others, for example. However, there are some common signs that of depression you may notice. Any of these signs can occur in children who are not depressed, but when seen together, nearly every day, they are red flags for depression.

The two most common signs of depression in children & teens

Seems more sad and irritable than usual, in a low mood for most of the day

No longer enjoys activities that used to make them happy

Other common signs & symptoms of depression

Kids & teens of all ages:

Spending more time alone and less time with friends

Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeps more than usual

More trouble focusing or making choices

Struggling or failing at school

A marked change in weight or eating, either up or down

Talks less and makes less eye contact than usual

Has less energy or motivation than usual for even simple tasks

Cries more often or mentions feeling sad, worthless or guilty about things

Among teens & adolescents:

How common is depression in young people?

Depression is one of the most common disorders in the United States, and rates among children and teens have been rising in recent years. As many as 1 in 5 adolescents has depression at some point during their teen years. Every year, about 1 out of 11 adolescents has an episode of major depression.

Experts estimate that between 2% and 3% of children aged 3 to 11 years have depression. Although it is not common, children as young as 3 years have been diagnosed with depression. Depression in a young child is very concerning and can lead to more serious consequences.

Are there different types of depression?

Major depressive disorder

A doctor or another licensed mental health professional diagnoses major depressive disorder when at least five symptoms of depression last for more than 2 weeks, on most days. Although major depressive disorder can be mild, moderate or severe, all kids with major depressive disorder tend to have difficulty managing everyday life.

Persistent depressive disorder

This type of depression is less severe, and children who have it may be able to manage their activities. However, they are not at their best and often feel down. Usually, a doctor diagnoses persistent depressive disorder when symptoms last for more than a year. A child with persistent depressive disorder may also have an episode of major depression at the same time.

What can I do if my child seems depressed?

Talking with your child

It is important to openly talk with your child about what your child is feeling. Encourage them to share their feelings by listening without judgment. Often children or adolescents do not bring up the topic of their feelings but may respond honestly if you ask directly. Regardless of what your child says, if you notice signs of depression for more than two weeks, talk with your child's doctor.

Getting help

Your child's doctor can help determine whether your child is depressed. They have specific questionnaires and techniques for age-appropriate ways of talking with children and adolescents about feelings of sadness. In fact, many screen patients for depression every year from ages 12 through 21, with suicide now a leading cause of death among adolescents. If your child has depression, the doctor may provide treatment or refer your family to a mental health specialist for treatment.

Supporting your child

Although treatment of depression works, it may take a few weeks. Your child may get discouraged when they don't feel better right away. Make sure they follow the treatment plan, attending therapy and taking any medicines prescribed as directed. In the meantime, there are things you can do at home to support them:

A child who feels depressed is not making up symptoms. What might look like laziness or irritability is a symptom of depression.Educate yourself, other caregivers & other family members.

Let your child know that feelings of hopelessness are a symptom of depression and are not an accurate picture of reality.

elp your child look at problems in a different, more positive way.Focus on your child's strengths, rather than areas that need improving, and provide verbal encouragement. H

Help your child relax and with physical, creative, nurturing and meaningful activities. Encourage them to get a healthy amount of exercise, sleep and nutritious foods, which can help boost mood.

While socializing is helpful, limit "social" screen time. Communicating by text or social media isn't a substitute for face-to-face time with friends or family in person; it can actually make your child feel more cut off from others.

Safety planning & suicide prevention

It can be very scary to even think about your child hurting themself. But if they feel depressed, take extra steps to help make your home a safe place. Remove guns and other weapons, alcohol, medicines and harmful household chemicals. If you can't remove these items, store them safely (for example, in a lockbox). Other steps:

Identifying warning signs/triggers. Your child should write down the thoughts or situations that generally lead to having thoughts of suicide. They can also list things that they can do, when they are feeling depressed or thinking about suicide, to help them feel better.

Make a list of people, and their phone numbers, who can help when your child is under stress or experiencing the warning signs in step 1. This can include family and friends and their therapist or doctor. Also, add the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained counselor). You can ask your child or teen's doctor for a safety plan you can fill out.

Don't hesitate to talk with your child's pediatrician if you have any questions or concerns about their mental health.

More information

Adapted from Depression in Children and Adolescents: Types and Signs (American Academy of Pediatrics Copyright © 2021)

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depression; childhood depression; mental health; depressed; sad; grief; mood; guns; suicide; coping; therapy; medication

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The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) discusses ways parents can recognize signs and symptoms of depression in their child or teen, and ways to help.

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The importance of a wellness plan for children and parents and how to implement one at home.

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The first 12 years of life bring with it many challenges. But above all else, it is a time for our children to thrive. This is the most fragile period for growth. Our children's level of health and wellness during this phase sets the stage for the rest of life. Childhood issues ranging from recurring colds/infections, failure to thrive, Respiratory disorders, Digestive issues, ADD, emotional problems, etc. can all hinder the growth curve of our children. We have developed a tiered program, which is tailored to each child depending on his/her goals and current state of health. Our program ranges from restoring health to elite performance enhancement.

Common goals are to

Improve general wellbeing and vitality

Improve hand/eye coordination

Prepare for sports specific seasons

Strengthen congenital weaknesses

Balance emotional disturbances

Improve Allergies, Asthma, Digestive issues, Sleep problems

13-25 years old:
The adolescent years are defined by rapid growth and volatility. Steady, directed involvement in physical enhancement, and internal stabilization sets the foundation for a rapidly growing body. We utilize all facets of our program to keep adolescents on track, thus allowing for maximum engagement and progress in all areas of development.

Common goals are to:

Enhance performance for athletics and cognitive focus

Build confidence

Balance hormones and emotions. Reestablish healthy cycles (sleeping, eating, exercise, menstrual)

Improve general health and wellbeing

Reduce stress

Lose weight/get in shape

26-35 years old:
This period is a major shaping period for life. We have a lot of energy to use, but are still figuring out how to direct it most effectively. There are pressures to establish ourselves within society and yet we still maintain a large drive to play and be active. Some people have dropped off on maintaining their health and are in need of getting back on track. Others are determined to maintain the high level of health and activity they have enjoyed up until now. No matter where you are on the spectrum, our center has the ability to both help you regain your optimal health and body and push you to new heights of inner and outer wellbeing and athletic dominance.

Common goals are to:

Maintain and improve athletic performance to sustain continued involvement with sports

Improve focus and drive

Tend to specific health conditions that have started to creep up

Reduce stress and anxiety

Increase flexibility

Reestablish health and wellness in all aspects of life

36-50 years old:
This period is a major crossroads for health. We still identify with our younger, more vibrant self, yet we have started to notice that our body does not respond the way it used to. We are starting to see one or more bodily systems begin to falter as symptoms within sleep, digestion, skin, energy levels, aches and pains, reproductive, emotional areas, etc. start to manifest. It is imperative to get back on track with overall health and make a push to reestablish a high level of vitality and physical fitness in order to create positive momentum as we near the halfway point of life. It will get harder and harder to create positive change as we age past this point.

Common goals are to:

Maintain and improve physical fitness

Reestablish a healthy body- both internally and externally

Rebound from deteriorating health conditions

Recover from injuries to reestablish an active lifestyle and/or athletic involvement

Train for races, and ongoing athletic events

Maintain and improve flexibility

Lose weight

51-75 years old:
In this stage of life, we are well aware of waning vitality and health issues that seem to have come out of nowhere. We are watching our parents' generation deal with advanced health issues and many of us are already on a daily regiment of pharmaceutical drugs. At this point, it is essential to give our body every chance possible to not just slow down the aging process, but start gaining momentum to promote optimal function of all our body's systems (circulatory, nervous, musculoskeletal, lymph, organ, etc.).

Common goals are to:

Improve physical fitness

Increase/maintain bone density

Improve circulation

Stay active in sports and exercising

Heal bodily dysfunction (internal and external)

Reduce/eliminate aches/pains

Reduce/eliminate use of medications

Maintain health/anti-aging

76-100 years old:
In this stage of life, we have hopefully accomplished our goals and it is time to enjoy the golden years. If we have our health, we can fully enjoy all the fruits of our labor. We want to stay out of doctors' offices and have enough energy to do everything we enjoy in life. It's all about achieving the highest quality of life. Our program will set up a health regiment for you to ensure your vitality remains at optimal levels while minimizing the effects of aging.

Common goals are to:

Improve health and vitality

Maintain/improve physical fitness

Promote proper functioning of bodily systems (circulatory, nervous, musculoskeletal, lymph, organ, etc.)

Stay active in sports and exercising

Reduce/eliminate use of medications

Reduce/eliminate aches/pains

Heal bodily dysfunction (internal and external)

Increase bone density

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0-12 years old: The first 12 years of life bring with it many challenges. But above all else, it is a time for our children to thrive. This is the most fragile period for growth. Our children's level of health and wellness during this phase sets the stage for the rest of life.

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Ways to help children manage their anger and understand their emotions.

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It's tough for both parents and kids when a child who struggles with anger. Some children grow frustrated easily. They blow up over seemingly minor events. They yell. They might even become aggressive.

If your child has angry outbursts, and especially if your child's anger interferes with their relationships and quality of life, it's important to teach them the skills they need to deal with their feelings in a healthy way. Guidance from a mental-health professional can also be very helpful.

Teach Your Child About Feelings

Kids are more likely to lash out when they don't understand their feelings or they're not able to verbalize them. A child who can't say "I'm mad!" may try to show they're angry by lashing out. Or a child who isn't able to perceive or explain that they're sad may misbehave to get your attention.

To help your child learn to identify and label feelings, begin by teaching basic feeling words such as "mad," "sad," "happy," and "scared." Label your child's feelings for them by saying, "It looks like you feel really angry right now." Over time, they'll learn to label their own emotions.

As your child develops a better understanding of their emotions and how to describe them, teach them more sophisticated feeling words such as frustrated, disappointed, worried, and lonely.

Create an Anger Thermometer

Anger thermometers are tools that help kids recognize the signs that their anger is rising. Draw a large thermometer on a piece of paper. Start at the bottom with a 0 and fill in the numbers up until 10, which should land at the top of the thermometer.

At a time when your child is not feeling upset or angry, talk about what happens in their body at each number on the thermometer. Your child might say they are smiling when they're at a level 0 but have a mad face when they reach level 5. They might feel their face get hot when they are at 2 and they might make fists with their hands when they are at 7. By the time they get to 10, they may feel like an angry monster.

Using the thermometer helps kids learn to recognize anger when it's happening. Eventually, they can make the connection that when their anger temperature starts to rise, taking a break can help them cool it down.

Develop a Calm-Down Plan

Teach children what to do when they begin to feel angry. Rather than throw blocks when they're frustrated, for example, they might go to their room or a designated "calming corner."

Encourage them to color, read a book, or engage in another calming activity until they feel better. You might even create a calm-down kit. This could include your child's favorite coloring books and some crayons, a fun book to read, stickers, a favorite toy, or lotion that smells good.

When they're upset, you can say, "Go get your calm-down kit." This encourages your child to take responsibility for calming themselves down.

Cultivate Anger Management Skills

One of the best ways to help a child who feels angry is to teach them specific anger management techniques. Taking deep breaths, for example, can calm your child's mind and their body when they are upset. Going for a quick walk, counting to 10, or repeating a helpful phrase might also help.

Teach other skills, such as impulse control skills and self-discipline, as well. Some kids need a fair amount of coaching to help practice those skills when they're upset.

Don't Give In to Tantrums

Sometimes kids discover that angry outbursts are an effective way to get their needs met. If a child throws a temper tantrum and their parents give them a toy to keep them quiet, they will learn that temper tantrums are effective.

Don't give in to your child to avoid a meltdown. Although that may be easier in the short-term, in the long run giving in will only make behavior problems and aggression worse. Instead, work on connecting with your child so they feel more confident that their needs will be met.

Follow Through With Consequences

Consistent discipline is necessary to help your child learn that aggression or disrespectful behavior isn't acceptable. If your child breaks the rules, follow through with a consequence each time.

Time-out or taking away privileges can be effective discipline strategies. If your child breaks something when they are angry, have them help repair it or do chores to raise money for repairs.

Avoid Violent Media

If your child displays aggressive behavior, exposing them to violent TV shows or video games may exacerbate the problem. Focus on exposing them to books, games, and shows that model healthy conflict resolution skills.

A Word From Verywell

Kids don't enjoy feeling angry or having angry outbursts. Often, they are reacting to frustration and an inability to manage their own big feelings. Helping your child learn to respond appropriately to anger and other negative emotions will have a positive impact on their life at home and at school. If you're struggling, ask your child's pediatrician or school counselor for help.

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7 Ways to Teach Anger Management Skills to Children

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It's tough for both parents and kids when a child who struggles with anger. Some children grow frustrated easily. They blow up over seemingly minor events. They yell. They might even become aggressive.

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Mindfulness activities for children to help them calm down and focus.

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Inside: Teaching mindfulness to kids in an appealing way can be tricky, here are 25 fun mindfulness activities for kids that they'll jump right on board with.
The more I learn about mindfulness the more I am in complete and total awe of its vast power for transformation.

The research-backed benefit's of mindfulness read like a parent wishlist.

Positive effects on a child's and mental health.

Power to promote kindness, patience, and compassion for others.

The ability to boost self-control, increase attention/focus and encourage better decision making.

If you'd like your child to calm down more easily, stop himself before he kicks his little brother and listen the first time, raise your hand!

*all hands go up*
There's no doubt getting familiar with mindfulness activities for kids is a wise investment.
Mindfulness has actually been found to change brain structure and function in the areas of the amygdala (emotions), hippocampus (learning and memory) and prefrontal cortex (self-regulation). These areas are of prime importance for a child's growth and well-being cognitively, socially and emotionally. There is no question of if teaching a child mindfulness is worth it.

There's still the problem though of getting your child invested. If only research and good intentions were enough.

The Problem with Teaching Mindfulness Activities to Kids

Mindfulness means becoming more aware of our inner self through the act of paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, in a non-judgemental way.

Any adult with a mindfulness practice will tell you it's a journey and not a destination. Finding quiet moments for reflection is hard and sitting still for a 5-minute meditation feels even harder during busy days with kids.

Thankfully, straight-up meditation is not the only way to practice mindfulness with kids.

Kids are designed to be on the move- playing, running, learning, exploring. The areas of their brain which regulate self-control and focus are still developing which can make the combination of sitting still, listening and attending feel challenging at best and torturous at worst (especially after a long day at school).

I've had the chance to teach mindfulness exercises with children in my therapy practice. Some have taken to it easily, but many haven't because I came at it from my own adult viewpoint and not the child's.

I also bombed by initial attempts in teaching my own children mindfulness, by approaching them more like a drill sergeant and less like a fun person doing something interesting and inviting.

"Get down and give me criss-cross applesauce!" (or some similar version of this).

Introducing your child to mindfulness

While certain kids, of the laidback kind, would immediately follow their parents lead in plopping down on a yoga mat, my older daughter's did not appreciate being ordered around.

Nor do they take well to controlling and overwhelming statements from me like, "We're going to learn about the concept of mindfulness right now!"

Learn from my mistakes and take a more natural (aka mindful) approach. Here are some examples but use what feels natural for you.

"Sometimes it feels really good to stop and pay attention to what's around me."

"Sometimes I like to press pause and check in with my body to see how it's feeling."

"I wonder if you'd like to learn about a new trick I learned that helps to clear your head so you can think straight and feel good."

The following are good general tips for introducing mindfulness with kids.

1| Try to separate yourself from any outcome, and approach them with an open mind. If they are not accepting, trust another time will present itself more effectively.

2| Be genuinely engaged and dedicated to your own journey of mindfulness however far along you may be. Going through the motions just for your child's benefit won't fly.

3| Accept that it likely won't look as neat and tidy as you'd like it to and that it's the shared experience, not control that's important.

4| Follow your child's mood, making it fun and engaging.

Here are 25 small things you can do with your child to discover and enjoy small moments of mindfulness together.

Related>> How to Make Your Family A Safe Haven from the World

25 Simple Mindfulness Activities for Kids

1. Practice kind thoughts by prompting your child to think of 5 people they'd like to send kind wishes to

2. Bang on a pot/pan and invite your child to signal to you when they no longer hear the sound 'hanging' the air

3. Blow bubbles 'slo-mo' style, emphasizing a big deep breath in through the nose to fill the bubble... and out through the mouth as slow as possible

4. Squeeze and let go, tensing different muscles in the body for 5 seconds and then slowing releasing

5. Tune into the body by getting down on your child's level and feeling each other's heartbeats

6. Focus on breathing by building 'Elsa' ice sculptures' by taking in a deep breath (don't forget to smell the 'chocolate fountain on coronation day!) and then slowly blowing out to create amazing ice creations

7. Have a 'mindful' snack by describing the smell, texture and taste of the food

8. Try this 'Rainbow' guided meditation to wind down at bedtime

9. Explore textures in nature, take a walk to collect several different objects and observe/describe how each feels

10. Have your child give you the 'weather report' on how they're feeling, "I'm dark and cloudy with some raindrop tears coming out"

11. Find shapes in the sky by laying down together and choosing different objects to search for in the clouds

12. Practice noticing with art. Choose several different utensils and describe how they all feel different on the paper

13. Take a mindful walk pointing out sights and sounds along the way.

14. Explore touch by choosing several objects, then comparing the difference in how they feel dry vs. wet

15. Slow down by having a snack in 'slow motion' and taking notice of the taste throughout

16. Explore smell by inviting your child to help you cook a meal while taking notice of each smell present

17. Try 'buddy breathing' and invite your child to grab a toy/stuffed animal to place on their tummy while they lay down and take slow breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth

18. Explore emotion by prompting your child to scan their body when experiencing a feeling, and describe where they feel it the most.

19. Try a playful guided meditation together

20. Use a happy moment to 'soak in the good' by pausing with your child to observe the pleasant physical and emotional feelings present

21. Sit down with your child and 'color your feelings' together depicting each emotion with a new color

22. "Press the pause button' together during a tense moment (but not too tense) and check in with how each of you is feeling at that moment

23. Listen to some music and see how many different instruments you can each hear

24. Try a body scan together at bedtime

25. Explore gratitude by going back and forth with your child (for as long as you can!) to name as many things possible that you are grateful for

Motivation to try mindfulness activities for kids

The benefits of mindfulness activities for kids' are unlimited, as research is only beginning to dig into all of it's benefits. Small moments that bring our awareness to our body, breath or current surroundings have a BIG impact on crucial life skills for our child including decision making, self-control and emotional regulation.

When we meet our child's needs for creativity, fun and movement we are much more likely to inspire mindfulness through a shared experience, and not a forced one.

Grab your free printable list of quick mindfulness activities for kids!

This post comes with a free printable list of mindfulness activities! (I want to make it super easy for you to grab and go when everyone needs a 'reset'!)

Here's a peek at it...

1. Download the calming strategies list. You'll get the printable, plus join 10,000+ parents who receive my weekly insights, tips, and strategies on how to raise emotionally healthy kids who will live their BEST life, every week!

2. Print.

3. Place it on your refrigerator or in a centralized area (and let your child choose an activity when they need a break/reset).

The research for this article is based on the 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) training Angela completed with her therapy clinic. Get more information about The Mindful Academy International or mindfulness training from accredited MBSR teacher Tina Romenesko here.

About Angela Pruess LMFT

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Angela Pruess LMFT, Child Therapist + Parent Coach

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25 Simple Mindfulness Activities Kids Will Actually Want to do

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Making mindfulness appealing to a child can be tricky, here are 25 fun activities they'll love to do.

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How to best help children when they are experiencing sadness.

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Of all the many human emotions, sadness can be one of the most difficult to manage. It occurs at many levels and in many different ways: it can be as simple as disappointment or as complex as grief and depression. Commonly identified as one of the primary or core emotions, sadness is also one of the first to develop and can be experienced very early in life. Magination Press book, A Feel Better Book For Little Tears by Holly Brochmann and Leah Bowen, is a beginner's book that addresses the overall concept of sadness. It also provides parents and caregivers tools not only to help children process and cope with this difficult emotion, but to convey that it is normal-everyone feels sad sometimes. Here are some ways you can help your child understand and cope with sadness:
Responding to Sadness
Sadness can be felt, and expressed, in a variety of physical ways. Tears are the most obvious indications of sadness, but children may manifest sadness in other ways like anger, isolation, clinginess, or stomach ache. A child may be unable to communicate or even recognize some of these physical manifestations.

As a parent, first take note of changes in behavior that may demonstrate the less obvious reactions. Then you can help them connect those reactions to the sadness with verbal cues.

For example, if your child is being extra clingy, you can simply acknowledge their feelings by saying, "I know it makes you sad when Mommy can't be with you all the time."

Children can be sad for so many reasons, some of which may be significant to others, while others may seem miniscule or even ridiculous. It's important to remember that while the child's feelings may appear insignificant to you as an adult, they are quite the opposite from the child's perspective. Bear in mind age-appropriate sadness and respond with both empathy and sympathy rather than trivializing your child's feelings. "I'm so sorry you can't wear your monster shirt today. I know it's your favorite and you are sad when it isn't clean. I understand how you feel, because I feel sad when that happens to me, too."
Normalizing Sadness
One of the most important messages you can convey to your child during times of sadness is that you are there for them. Sadness can be a lonely emotion, especially if experiencing something very personal and individual. It helps to have support from someone who knows what you are going through.

If your child loses their favorite stuffed animal, for example, listen to them, however often they want to talk about it. Storytelling in this way may be their way to process their feelings. You may also normalize their feelings by sharing a story about how you experienced a similar loss when you were their age. Be honest about how sad you were and how you cried. Talk about what helped you with your sad feelings. In the meantime, let your child know you will be there for them if they need extra hugs or snuggles, or if they need to cry.

Parents often try to be strong for their children, to show them that everything will be okay. However, it can actually be beneficial for a child to see adults showing appropriate emotion. It is okay to say, "Daddy is sad, too." This normalizes the child's sadness and demonstrates that feelings are not something they need to try to mask or feel ashamed of.
Coping With Sad Feelings
Creative activities can be a wonderful outlet for expressing sad feelings in a constructive way. Instead of saying, "Don't feel sad," encourage your child to draw a picture about how they are feeling, sing, dance, or build something. Music, art, projects, modeling clay-there are many ways to use creativity to process emotions.

Teaching mindfulness and relaxation at an early age helps set the stage for children to continue to use these practices throughout a lifetime, especially if they learn it's doable, enjoyable, and beneficial. When your child is feeling sad, encourage them to try breathing deeply. That will increase the flow of oxygen and slow their heartbeat, creating a physical sense of calm.

Visualizing-or imagining-a calm, happy place, like the sea shore or a park can help them feel more calm, too. You can even encourage your child to draw their happy place when they are done visualizing it. Breathing deeply or visualizing with your child can help you stay calm in stressful times, as well!
There's Hope!
There is no get-over-sadness timeline. Depending on what your child is sad about, they may never lose the sense of loss, but over time they can learn how to cope and feel happy again. If the sadness is more minor, the child may move on quite fast. Either way, the child should be allowed to process their feelings at their own pace.

True strength and resilience are built by learning to process emotions rather than ignoring them. Allowing your child to experience and process sadness allows them to grieve the loss-an essential first step in the healing process. By allowing sad feelings to happen, your child is also learning that they are capable of coping with big emotions.

This article is a modified excerpt from Magination press book, A Feel Better Book for Little Tears , by Holly Brochmann and Leah Bowen.

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Helping Young Children Cope With Sadness

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Of all the many human emotions, sadness can be one of the most difficult to manage. It occurs at many levels and in many different ways: it can be as simple as disappointment or as complex as grief and depression.

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The importance of social and emotional health in children.

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Module 1: Introduction to Social and Emotional Health: Definition and Research Support

What is Social and Emotional Health?

Within the context of one's family, community and cultural background, social and emotional health is the child's developing capacity to:

Form secure relationships

Experience and regulate emotions and,

Explore and learn

(Definition from Zero To Three)

Social health reflects a child's developing ability to form close, secure relationships with other familiar people in their lives such as parents, relatives and other nurturing caregivers. This trusting bond helps children to feel safe in exploring their world. Raver and Zigler (1997) defined the term social competence as a group of behaviors that permits each individual child to develop and engage in positive interactions with other people. The following groups of behavior included are:

responding to and initiating interactions between caregivers, siblings, other adults, and peers

participating in cooperative and social activities

managing behavior and resolving conflict

knowing about self and others

showing empathy

developing a positive self-image and self-worth.

Emotional development is closely tied to social development. It refers to the expression of a child's feelings about herself, others, and the situations she will face in the world around her as well as gaining control of her bodily functions, learning to focus, and pay attention in the context of nurturing support by familiar caregivers (Mackrain, Golani & Kairone, 2008). Witherington, Campos, and Hertenstein referred to emotions as "the processes by which an individual attempts to establish, change, or maintain his or her regulation to the environment on matters of significance to the person" (2001, p. 429). Emotional competence has been defined as the ability to effectively regulate emotions to accomplish one's goals (Campos et al., 1994). Emotions are reactions which are experienced differently by each individual. This is why different people can have different emotions when experiencing the same event. Young children need to develop and safely express a variety of emotional responses so they can learn to adjust to new situations and achieve their desired outcomes. This results in a richer social environment and more satisfying relationships for the child and those around him or her.

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Introduction to Social and Emotional Health: Definition and Research Support

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Within the context of one's family, community and cultural background, social and emotional health is the child's developing capacity to: Form secure relationships Experience and regulate emotions and, Explore and learn (Definition from Zero To Three) Social health reflects a child's developing ability to form close, secure relationships with other familiar people in their lives such as parents, relatives and other nurturing caregivers.

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Mindfulness activities for adults to cope with stress.

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21 Mindfulness Exercises & Activities For Adults (+ PDF)

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Mindfulness exercises for adults and practitioners to learn more about it.

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How to teach children about disabilities and including others.

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From a peer with dyslexia to a cousin who uses a wheelchair, your child may be curious about people with disabilities. Talking to your child about disabilities can help him gain a better understanding of why some people look, talk, act, or move a little bit differently.

Provide Education in a Matter-of-Fact Manner

Don't try to convince your child that someone with a disability is just like he is. Instead, acknowledge that they are a little different, but make it clear that just because someone is different, that doesn't make that person bad.

Then, show your child how to talk about those differences in a respectful manner. Give your child the language to use to talk about someone who has a learning disability or a physical disability.

Educate your child about disabilities in a matter-of-fact manner. Say things like, "The muscles in your uncle's legs don't work like yours. That's why he has trouble walking," or "She was born with one leg. So she has a prosthetic leg that doctors made for her that she uses to walk."

Here are some important points to make:

Some people are born with disabilities. Make it clear that sometimes, babies are born with disabilities. But at other times, people develop disabilities later in life.

People with disabilities aren't sick. Explain that a child with cerebral palsy or muscular dystrophy isn't sick. You don't want your child to think he might catch a disability.

There's nothing wrong with people with disabilities. Your child may ask questions like, "What's wrong with that girl?" Explain that a child may have trouble talking or difficulty walking but that doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with her.

A physical disability doesn't mean someone has a cognitive disability. Sometimes, kids assume someone with a physical disability may also struggle to communicate or may not be smart. Make it clear that just because someone's body doesn't work the same doesn't mean their brain is impaired.

Explain How People With Disabilities May Use Adaptive Equipment

Talk to your child about how people with disabilities may use adaptive equipment to assist them. Someone in the grocery store may have a service animal, and other people walk with crutches or use a wheelchair to get around.

You may also explain why there are parking spaces for people with physical disabilities located near the store. Explain how someone may use a special vehicle, designed to fit a wheelchair with a ramp or lift.

Educate your child how to best assist someone who uses adaptive equipment. For example, make it clear that your child should never pet a dog who is wearing a service vest unless the owner invites him to do so, and explain how holding a door for someone who uses a wheelchair may make it easier for them.

Point Out Similarities

Make sure you don't send the message that people with disabilities are completely different from everyone else. Point out things a child with a disability has in common with your child. Say things like, "Lucy is good at math, just like you are. And you both love to listen to the same kind of music."

Understanding how they're the same can help your child relate better to people with disabilities, and it can help increase your child's empathy.

Learn About Disabilities Together

There's a good chance you won't have all the answers about someone's disability. Researching a disability together can help you show your child how to educate himself on unfamiliar conditions.

Look for kid-friendly websites that offer information about autism, Down syndrome, learning disabilities, or other disabilities that he may have questions about. Then, go through the information together.

Read age-appropriate books about disabilities too, and look for TV shows that address specific conditions. Sesame Street, for example, depicts a muppet named Julia who has autism.

Prepare for Tough Questions

Your child may have some tough questions about someone's disability. Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know," if you don't have the answer. Or, try saying, "I'll have to think about that and get back to you," if you need some time to gather your thoughts before giving an answer.

Here are a few tough questions you might hear:

Why was he born like that? You could give a science-based answer by saying, "When he was growing in his mother's belly, his foot just didn't grow." Or, you might give a spiritual answer that reflects your beliefs.

Is she going to live to be a grown up? If your child asks a tough question about someone's lifespan, you may want to focus on what's being done to keep people healthy. Say something like, "I don't know. But doctors and scientists are working hard to find a cure."

Will she ever be able to walk? There's a good chance you might not know someone's prognosis. So you might say, "I'm not sure, but I bet she's working hard along with her doctors to do the best she can."

Teach Kindness and Sensitivity to Others

Unfortunately, there's a good chance your child will overhear some unkind words used to describe someone's disability, and there's a chance your child will repeat those names. Address unkind words right away. Explain to your child that such words are hurtful and it's not OK to say them.

If your child continues to use those words after you've explained to him that they're inappropriate, give a negative consequence. Make it clear that putting people down and speaking disrespectfully about others won't be tolerated.

Additionally, don't allow your child to engage in mean-spirited behavior. Make it known that imitating people with a disability isn't kind and tell your child not to laugh at others.

Tell Your Child to Ask Before Helping

Kids often want to be helpers but, they may not know how to do something that is actually helpful. Or, they may put themselves in danger.

Getting behind someone in a wheelchair without asking them if they need assistance could be dangerous if the person using the wheelchair doesn't see your child. Similarly, your child may be tempted to intervene if he sees a child with autism who is feeling very upset. But, the child just may need a little space to calm down and giving him a hug could make it worse.

So teach your child to ask before springing into action. Asking, "Is there anything I can do to help?" gives the other person an opportunity to say whether assistance would be appreciated.

How to Talk About a Loved One Who Has a Disability

If your child grows up with a loved one who has a disability-like a cousin or a grandparent-he may raise new questions over time. As he gains a better understanding of the body, he may have bigger questions.

If it's a close friend or family member who has the disability, ask if the individual is willing to answer your child's questions. You may find your loved one is happy to field questions to give your child a better understanding.

How to Talk About a Peer Who Has a Disability

Your child may have questions about a peer at school that you're not able to answer. You may have no idea why that girl in his class requires help to eat her food or why a boy in class doesn't speak in full sentences. You may want to explain, "I'm not sure why she needs help eating. Maybe the muscles in her arms don't work like yours do."

You may also want to contact your child's teacher. While the teacher can't reveal information to you about another student, it might be helpful for the teacher to know your child has questions, and other children likely have questions too.

Many schools offer disability-awareness programs. Find out if your child's school has any type of curriculum that teaches kids about disabilities. When children understand another child's disability, they're more likely to become an ally.

Encourage your child to include peers with disabilities in activities. Eating lunch at the same table, playing at recess, or simply striking up a conversation are a few ways your child can be inclusive.

If your child wants to invite a child with a disability to a birthday party, you may want to call the other parent to talk about how to make it happen. Say, "My son wants to have an outdoor party and he'd love to have your child attend. How can we make that happen?"

How to Talk to Your Child About Your Disability

If you have a disability, your child may have a lot of questions about whether you're going to get better or why you can't do certain things. It's important to give honest answers in a kid-friendly manner.

It can be confusing for kids if a parent has a disability that isn't visible on the outside. Kids can't see what's wrong when a parent has an issue that involves chronic pain, for example, so it's important to give kids a little information about the science behind what's happening to your body.

It can also be helpful to share about your self-care strategies. Whether you attend physical therapy, get acupuncture, or take medication, make it clear to your child that you are taking steps to take care of yourself.

If you have a new disability-like the loss of a limb from an accident-and your child is struggling to adjust, seek professional help. Talking to a psychotherapist could help your child process her feelings and adjust to the changes.

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From a peer with dyslexia to a cousin who uses a wheelchair, your child may be curious about people with disabilities. Talking to your child about disabilities can help him gain a better understanding of why some people look, talk, act, or move a little bit differently.

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Suggestions for encouraging children to talk about their feelings.

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You know how to speak with your kid - you talk all the time about school homework, soccer games, and their favorite spaghetti dinner. But how come when your son or daughter comes home from school looking sad, you become speechless? Your eyes open up big and you take a few deep breaths wondering: What in the world do I do now?

Such questions weigh on the heart and mind of every interested parent. But be easy on yourself; your parents likely didn't speak to you about your emotions, what to do when you were sad, and how to let go of such negative feelings. In other words, you are parenting in a completely new way focused primarily on raising happier kids now. (Older generations were more focused upon raising kids that behaved, got good grades and eventually got a "good job.")

Here are fivesuggestions to help you get your kids talking about what's going on in their life - especially when they are blue.

1. Ask Directly: Create a space between you and your child that is honest, respectful and sincere as you both learn your roles. With such a space, you can directly ask your child: Is something wrong? Because he or she doesn't need to always please you, be perfect and put on an "act" as the smart, skilled or likeable kid. The bottom line is that if your child feels safe, unconditionally loved and supported from you they can then safely share things from joys to pains.

2. Give Them Space: Your son or daughter may or may not want to "talk about it" due to their personality, temperament and situation. As a highly effective parent, you need to give your child the space to process his or her emotions by themselves. Every child is learning what emotions are (identification), what to do with them (regulation) and how to do it (approach) so during this process of feeling deep emotions - many boys and girls need to sit with an emotion like sadness, and then with your assistance (when they are ready) learn to let it go (talk about it). But giving a child the space and allowing them the time they need to feel strong enough or comfortable enough to talk about it is very respectful.

3. Show Empathy: Sometimes it is easier to talk about something if you share a situation from your life where you felt sad. Empathize with your son or daughter, and then tell them truthfully how talking about it helped.

For example, I remember feeling stinky when my braces were put on in second grade. They hurt and looked all shiny while no one else in my class had braces. I was the first one! Ugh. But as I talked to my mom, she helped me see how one year would fly by and how great my teeth would look. I then drew a picture of myself without braces, with straight teeth and hung it up on my wall.

So talking about and focusing on the positive side really helped me. Then after you share your story, I suggest asking your son or daughter: Do you want to talk about it? Often, they'll say yes at this point but if they say no - just take it as a sign they need more "alone time" before they are ready.

4. Use Media: I remember watching the television series, Wonder Woman, in the seventies and it was real to me. Kids today have the same experience. Harry Potter, iCarly, SpongeBob and more are real to them - in the same way the screen you are reading this on is real to you. This is especially true for kids under the age of 8 who often cannot tell the difference between TV-land and Real-Life land.

My point is this: You can use a situation from a TV or movie where the character was sad and they talked about it. Recall it with your child. For example, you can say "Remember when SpongeBob was sad and didn't leave the Krusty Krab for days?" and then you can continue, "Do you feel this way?" (Of course, this method requires you spend some quality time in front of the television or big screen together.)

5. Be Creative Together: As a former art therapist, I found this the best way, bar none, to get kids talking about tough subjects. They begin to feel at ease by losing themselves into something they love like painting a birdhouse, playing with clay, completing a puzzle or strumming the guitar.

Because when a child feels comfortable, and more at-ease then they can open up about what's on their mind. In other words, by entering into your child's world and authentically connecting with them - they'll feel safe and distracted enough to spill the proverbial beans. And even more importantly, they'll be coming to you for advice on a situation like how to deal with a bully, mean girl, or teacher that they feel is picking on them.

So giving your child space, allowing them to feel their feelings, and encouraging them to connect with you (when they are ready) is positive parenting. You are raising an emotionally intelligent child that is aware of how they feel, learning how to talk about their feelings (from sad to glad) and move into a more positive outlook each day.

Just to be clear, the type of sadness that I am referring to above is the "regular" emotional down-in-the-dumps feeling you get as a child when: someone picks on you, you lose your favorite T-shirt, you fail a test, forget your homework, your BFF moves away, and pet Hammy the Hamster dies.

On the opposite side of the spectrum is a deep and pervasive sadness that is clinical and is understood through a child's "irregular" behavior like: talking about suicide, cutting, excessive crying, and isolating oneself. This later type of sadness is clinical depression and is best served by getting professional assistance.

Last, but not least, it is through the "clarity of your example" that your kids learn how to talk about their feelings especially the sad ones. So reflect for a moment: What do I do when I am sad? Do I talk about it? Because like Carl Jung stated, "If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something we could better change in ourselves."

So I vow to talk more about my "stinky feelings" when they are happening, share with all the kids around me how I let-go of them and be that model of positive emotional health I came here to be. Because I know that these kids are watching with a keen eye - and this will help them become happier day-by-day. And isn't that the goal? I sure believe so.

© Maureen Healy

Check out Maureen Healy's book, Growing Happy Kids, visit her website and follow her on Twitter @mdhealy.

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Kids Feeling Blue: 5 Ways to Get Them Talking

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You know how to speak with your kid - you talk all the time about school homework, soccer games, and their favorite spaghetti dinner. But how come when your son or daughter comes home from school looking sad, you become speechless?

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How to parent and help a child that has experienced trauma.

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How to teach children to be inclusive of other people.

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Here are 11 ideas for teaching kids to be inclusive. Getting left out of the cool kids group at school, having no one to sit with at lunch, not getting invited to social functions, and being picked last for the team are all examples of social exclusion.

And it hurts. Social exclusion can impact everything from emotional well-being to academic achievements.

But what if your child is the one doing the excluding? How do you get them to be inclusive and still allow them to have preferences about who to hang out with?

Realize That Exclusion Is a Form of Bullying

When kids exclude others, this is a form of bullying known as relational aggression or social bullying. This term refers to the use of social networks, either in the real world or online, to be hurtful to someone. Exclusion is one of the tactics relational bullies use.

What he is referring to is when a group of mean girls or bullies builds their identity by keeping an individual out and attacking this person's reputation and value. They also develop a sense of connectedness despite the fact that they are being mean.

Sometimes, the group will make fun of the person, engage in name-calling and leave the person off of invitation lists. They also may take bullying online and engage in cyberbullying, shaming, and subtweeting.

At other times, the group may act like the person does not exist. Usually, one person in the group leads the shaming and ostracizing and pressures others to bully as well. Consequently, the members of the group either participate or say nothing when the mean behavior occurs.

To make matters worse, adults rarely take relational aggression between children and teens seriously. They make suggestions like, "Just ignore them and play with someone else." But minimizing the pain of exclusion is never a good idea.

Not only do kids internalize the message from their peers that they are "losers," but they also may act in self-destructive ways. In fact, some kids become depressed or even contemplate suicide.

Meanwhile, others become bitter and look for ways to get revenge. Without support, a child may start to believe that everyone important in the world thinks she has no value or worth.

Teach Kids How to Be Inclusive

One of the best ways to help combat exclusion is to teach kids from an early age how to be inclusive. Here are some ways you can do that.

Examine Diversity Deficits

Check your own diversity deficits. Remember, kids watch and listen to everything you do. Examine your neighborhood, your community, your friendships and your interactions with others.

Then be honest with yourself. How often does your family interact with people who are not like you? For instance, do you have friends that are different races and religions? Are you accepting of people?

Or do you make judgments and maintain stereotypes? If you want your kids to be inclusive, you need to be that way too.

Support Individuality

Encourage your children to value not only themselves as unique and worthwhile people but others as well. Remind them that a person's appearance, personality, quirks, beliefs, and interests bring something special to the world that nobody else can duplicate.

Reject In-Crowd Ideas

Be sure your child realizes that the "in-crowd" does not always translate to the "best crowd." Instead, focus their attention on values including kindness, respect, and empathy.

And teach them what constitutes a healthy friendship. Also, resist the urge to invest in all the latest electronics, gadgets, clothes, shoes and cars.

These items will not buy acceptance for your child. If you take your child's focus off of material items as a means to acceptance, then they will be less likely to judge others on their material items as well.

Reach Out to Others

Teach your child to reach out to others. Urge them to make other kids in her class feel valued. Encourage them to call the new kid in class or get to know the classmate who often sits alone at lunch.

One way to make sure this is happening is to challenge your child to find out one good thing about a child they regularly say is annoying. Challenging them to do this will teach them that there is good in everyone and that everyone has something to offer the world.

Look to the Future

Get your child to look to the future. Sometimes the values, abilities, and strengths that are admired in middle school are not the same attributes that are admired later in college.

For instance, the highly intelligent boy who is awkward in middle school may go on to be a brilliant doctor someday.

Ask Professionals

Teachers, counselors, and principals are usually able to identify a child whose friendship your child can cultivate, especially if your child seems to attract toxic friends or frenemies.

Be sure to check in with the teachers and administrators at your child's school for ideas on other friendships or groups. Cliques can be extremely unhealthy and you should encourage your child to avoid becoming a part of a clique.

Cast a Wide Net

Research has shown that kids who have a diverse set of friendships, such as friends from school, church, sports, and so on, will not only be more accepting of others, but they also are less likely to be bullied. The reason is simple. They have learned to get along with a diverse group of people.

As a result, you should encourage your child to cast a wide net and seek out friendships in their neighborhood, at school, on a team, through a club, and at church. Remember, you play an important role in making sure your child finds lots of meaningful friendships.

Encourage them to develop healthy friendships with many different peers and in all types of friendship groups. Kids with a diverse network of supportive friends have a greater chance of success in a very diverse world.

Empower Your Child

While it is important that your child attempt to include everyone, you also need to let them know that they are allowed to feel safe and valued in a friendship. Your child does not have to accept being physically or emotionally attacked by a child in the interest of being inclusive.

It is even acceptable to establish boundaries with kids that have special needs. Just because a child has a disability does not give him the right to hurt your child physically or emotionally. Nor should your child feel like she always has to do what the other child wants if it is not a mutual choice.

Create Distance With Respect

Sometimes kids are just mean and it is not healthy for your child to maintain the friendship. But that does not give your child the right to reciprocate. Instead, encourage your child to avoid using nasty words, fake apologies or justifying cruel jokes by adding "just kidding" to the end of the sentence.

They should opt for being respectful while creating a distance from the friend. And if appropriate, have them communicate why they are distancing herself. In some cases, honest communication can motivate a young person to change.

Learn to Be and Advocate

Peer pressure is a powerful thing. But so is standing up for other kids. Research shows that when one person takes a stand against bullying, it stops. When your child sees another child being excluded, encourage them to take a stand.

They can do this in several ways. They can tell others that excluding someone is not nice. Or, they can take steps to befriend the excluded student. They can offer to sit with the student at lunch, walk with them in the halls and talk to them between classes.

Keep Tabs on Online Activity

If your child is engaging with kids online who are ostracizing others, be sure you say something about it. Even if your child never does anything to ostracize others, remind them that liking or sharing a mean post is just as hurtful as the original post.

Ideally, your child should stop following the mean kids altogether. But many kids have a fear of missing out and this can be difficult for them. So be patient.

Cutting these ties may take some time and an extra dose of courage, especially if they fear retaliation. In the meantime, avoid insisting that your child stop using technology or social media altogether.

Instead, teach them how to disengage from unhealthy online relationships. These lessons will serve her far better later in life than having no experience with social media at all.

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How to Avoid Raising a Child That Excludes Others

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Here are 11 ideas for teaching kids to be inclusive. Getting left out of the cool kids group at school, having no one to sit with at lunch, not getting invited to social functions, and being picked last for the team are all examples of social exclusion. And it hurts.

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Ways to promote social and emotional wellbeing in children.

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In a preschool classroom, some of the 3- and 4-year-old children smile, laugh, and giggle during free play; are curious about what happens next during story time; ask what and why questions while doing hands-on activities; and use words to express feelings and needs. In the toy area, Tom and Juan both reach for a small blue car. Tom says, "May I please have it first, then you have it later?" Juan replies, "You have it for five minutes and then I have it for five minutes." Noticing this exchange, their teacher says, "Tom and Juan, you are talking about taking turns. What a great way to play together!"

Tom, Juan, and their classmates are a model of social and emotional health in preschool. Children who are socially and emotionally healthy tend to demonstrate, and continue to develop, several important behaviors and skills (adapted from McClellan & Katz 2001 and Bilmes 2012). They

Are usually in a positive mood

Listen and follow directions

Have close relationships with caregivers and peers

Care about friends and show interest in others

Recognize, label, and manage their own emotions

Understand others' emotions and show empathy

Express wishes and preferences clearly

Gain access to ongoing play and group activities

Are able to play, negotiate, and compromise with others

Why social and emotional health matters

Children's social and emotional health affects their overall development and learning. Research indicates that children who are mentally healthy tend to be happier, show greater motivation to learn, have a more positive attitude toward school, more eagerly participate in class activities, and demonstrate higher academic performance than less mentally healthy peers (Hyson 2004; Kostelnik et al. 2015). Children who exhibit social and emotional difficulties tend to have trouble following directions and participating in learning activities. Compared with healthier peers, they may be more likely to suffer rejection by classmates, have low self-esteem, do poorly in school, and be suspended (Hyson 2004; Kostelnik et al. 2015). Thus, children's social and emotional health is just as important as their physical health, and affects their capacity to develop and potential to lead a fulfilling life.

Teachers can promote children's social and emotional health in many ways, for example, by organizing a material-rich environment to stimulate social interactions among children. This article focuses on two of the most important practices: building trusting relationships and conducting intentional teaching.

Establish trusting relationships

Young children develop and learn in the context of relationships. A trusting and caring teacher-child relationship is essential for children's optimum development (Raikes & Edwards 2009). Children who have trusting relationships with their teachers are, on average, more willing to ask questions, solve problems, try new tasks, and express their thinking than their peers without such relationships (O'Connor & McCartney 2007). In her work supervising student teachers, Ho (the first author) often sees children developing positive social and emotional health as a result of close relationships with their teachers. For example, children learn to use words to express their feelings-such as Amy saying to Emily, "I am sad when you use hurting words!"-and to show empathy-as when Arjun gently pats Brian's head and says, "Are you okay? Do you want to hold the teddy bear?"

Children benefit socially, emotionally, and academically when teachers intentionally create close, trusting relationships (Palermo et al. 2007). But gaining the trust of every child is not as simple as being nice and engaging. How can teachers create trusting relationships with all of the children? Consistently offering warmth, affection, respect, and caring is essential.

Showing warmth and affection consistently

Warmth and affection-even on bad days and when children are misbehaving-are critical to children's well-being in early education settings (Ostrosky & Jung 2005). They contribute to developing secure relationships between children and adults, provide models of gentle behavior, and are linked with children's ability to interact positively with peers (Twardosz 2005). The preschoolers we observed used gentle hands and kind words and positively interacted with peers most of the time. Their social and emotional well-being was nourished by their teachers' warmth and affection, which is shown in the following examples:

Ms. Johnson displays a pleasant facial expression throughout the day. She smiles when greeting children in the morning, says goodbye in the afternoon, and acknowledges children's appropriate behaviors.

Mr. Logan uses the appropriate tone of voice at all times. His speech is at normal pitch and volume; his tone is relaxed and soft. Even when he has to redirect a child's behavior, he remains calm and warm to convey that his concern is with the behavior-not the child.

Ms. Aragon gives appropriate touches when necessary, such as a pat on the back, a handshake, hugs, and brief tickles.

Ms. Lizama moves physically close to the children and bends or crouches to be at the children's eye level while talking to them.

Mr. Sharma often uses loving comments to show he cares: "I am so happy to see you this morning!," "I missed you yesterday," "I love seeing your smile!" And he is careful to make such comments to all of the children in his classroom.

Respecting and caring about every child

Showing respect is a key way to connect with children and strengthen positive relationships. It helps children feel more confident and competent to explore and learn (Dombro, Jablon, & Stetson 2011). Ms. Carnes establishes and maintains close personal bonds with every child in her classroom by consistently acting in respectful and caring ways. Specifically, she

Listens with full attenti on and restates what children say (often also seizing the opportunity to expose the children to new vocabulary). Jason, a 4-year-old, says, "Look, I made a truck with lots of Legos!" Ms. Carnes replies, "Oh, I see, Jason. You built a truck with dozens of Legos." Jason adds, "I use this truck to deliver apples and bananas to the grocery store." Ms. Carnes responds, "Using a truck to deliver nutritious fruits to the grocery store is helpful." Listening to children attentively and reflectively enhances their self-worth and confidence. When teachers actively listen to children, they convey that they care about what the children have to say, and the children are more likely to share their thoughts, ideas, feelings, and stories.

Accepts and reflects children's feel ings. Frowning, Jasper says to the teacher, "Michael has all the big blocks!" Ms. Carnes responds, "Jasper, you seem upset that there are no more large blocks to build with right now. It is difficult to wait!" Amy says with enthusiasm, "We are about to go outside!" Ms. Carnes answers, "The sparkles in your eyes tell me you can hardly wait to go outside. You are excited." When they accept and reflect children's feelings, teachers exhibit sensitivity and caring in a way children understand. Teachers' acknowledgments make children feel heard and accepted (Duffy 2008). As a result, children feel safe to express their emotions-and receive support in identifying, labeling, and better understanding their emotions.

Spends private, quality time with individual chi ldren through one-on-one activities, such as story reading and game pla ying. Emily is sad when her mom leaves. Ms. Carnes reads her a book in a cozy corner with soft pillows and stuffed animals. Afterward, Emily is ready to explore and play in the classroom. Judy complains that no one wants to play with her at the tactile table. Ms. Carnes sits at the table and plays with Judy until another child joins the play. In addition, Ms. Carnes spends quality time with individual children by putting aside other work, moving to the child's level, and conversing openly with the child. Ms. Carnes keeps track to ensure that she speaks with each child regularly, which deepens their relationship and builds trust (Gartrell 2007). Ms. Carnes finds time for these conversations throughout the day, especially during greeting, free play, snack, lunch, and departure time.

Teach social and emotional skills intentionally

Helping children develop social and emotional skills is the heart and soul of any good program for young children (Gordon & Browne 2014). Teachers (and all caregivers) play key roles in helping children develop social and emotional competence (Kostelnik et al. 2015). Teachers can intentionally support children's social and emotional health by using children's books, planning activities, coaching on the spot, giving effective praise, modeling appropriate behaviors, and providing cues.

Warmth and affection-even on bad days and when children are misbehaving-are critical to children's well-being in early education.

Using children's books

Reading and discussing children's books is an excellent way to invite children to identify the characters' emotions and relate the characters' experiences to their own (Roberts & Crawford 2008). To introduce a new social or emotional skill, Ms. Coz carefully chooses high-quality books to read aloud at circle time. Sometimes she chooses books related to children's recent social and emotional behaviors in the classroom. When she sees some of the children having trouble sharing toys, she reads aloud The Rainbow Fish, by Marcus Pfister. When she finds a child crying because her friend hit her, Ms. Coz reads aloud Hands Are Not for Hitting, by Elizabeth Verdick. (See " Children's Books for Teaching Social and Emotional Skills," for more titles to consider.)

To connect the characters and situations in the book with the children's experiences, Ms. Coz plans to read the book at least twice and also add it to the classroom library. During the second reading, she asks meaningful questions: "What do you think the characters are feeling?," "How would you solve the problem?," "Can you use words from the story to explain how you feel when you . . .?," "What could we do differently if this happens in our classroom?" These open-ended questions enable children to talk about their own experiences, learn new vocabulary words, and practice social and emotional skills.

Planning activities

To extend and apply what children learn from reading stories, Ms. Coz plans follow-up activities, such as hands-on crafts, games, and songs. She often uses Book Nook guides, created by the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning ( http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/strategies.html#booknook). These guides help her embed social and emotional development activities into daily routines, including read-alouds. (See " Activities for Supporting Children's Social and Emotional Learning " for some ideas adapted from Book Nook guides.)

Coaching on the spot

When they coach children on the spot, teachers help children realize what they are doing, understand how their actions affect others, and choose positive alternatives (Riley et al. 2008). For example, when Ryan and Ethan build a firehouse in the block area, Ethan grabs the fire truck from Ryan, and Ryan cries. Ms. Coz crouches down at Ethan's level to look into his eyes; calmly and warmly, she says, "Ryan was still using the truck. When you took it away from him, he got upset. What could you do to make Ryan feel better?" After Ethan says he is sorry and gives back the fire truck, Ms. Coz says, "Next time if you want to play with the toy Ryan is using, could you ask if he will share?" Ms. Coz follows up by observing Ethan and providing immediate positive feedback on his desirable behavior.

Giving effective praise

Meaningful feedback pertinent to the task at hand in the form of effective praise is a powerful strategy for fostering children's social and emotional development (Kostelnik et al. 2015). To make praise effective, teachers describe specifically what they see-without generalizing, evaluating, or making comparisons. When Emily finishes her drawing, Ms. Coz notices her picture and her smile. Ms. Coz says, "I see a blue sky, a yellow sun, and green grass around the big brown tree. This picture makes you happy, doesn't it?" This praise is effective because Ms. Coz offers detailed, positive comments immediately after desirable behavior occurs. Noticing Ethan asking Ryan politely for a policewoman figure, Ms. Coz says, "Ethan, you used the magic words May I plea se? to ask for that policewoman while you and Ryan were building the firehouse together. Great job!" Smiling, Ethan responds, "We are friends and we can share things."

Modeling appropriate behavior

Children learn by observing other people, getting ideas about how new behaviors are formed, and using the ideas to guide their actions (Bandura 1977). Many studies have found that modeling-or demonstrating appropriate behaviors-teaches and enhances children's social and emotional skills (Katz & McClellan 1997; Hyson 2004). This research-based conclusion is evidenced in Ms. Coz's and Ms. Carnes's classes. Both teachers implement several noninvasive strategies-including modeling-that their center administrators created to support teachers in promoting socially and emotionally healthy behaviors. They display the strategies on the classroom wall and put them into action by

Moving closer to children, when needed, as a nonverbal cue to rethink behaviors

Modeling appropriate warm and respectful behavior throughout the day and at specific moments when a gentle reminder is needed

Using nonverbal gestures and contact (e.g., nodding the head, giving thumbs-up signs, and touching children gently on the shoulder) to send messages

Employing simple language (e.g., "Walking feet, please" and "Use gentle hands") to set expectations and give reminders

Acknowledging a kind act on the spot or praising a group effort for a job well done

Placing a hand-gently-on a child's hand to redirect attention and behavior

When children see teachers demonstrate these noninvasive strategies, they often smile, use their gentle hands, say please and thank you, give hugs and high fives, and use words to express their feelings.

In addition to being role models, the teachers use the children's appropriate behaviors to model social and emotional skills. They carefully observe and record details about how children apply the target skills, and they share their observations with the children through puppet shows during circle time. Using puppets to demonstrate children's appropriate behaviors helps children learn social and emotional skills meaningfully.

Providing cues

Providing cues to engage children in appropriate social behavior has been shown over time to improve their social behavior with their peers (Bovey & Strain 2005). Ms. Coz and Ms. Carnes often provide verbal cues to help some children participate in activities. Before playtime, for example, Ms. Carnes asks, "James, who are you going to ask to play with you at center time?" During playtime, she suggests, "Saanvi, can you ask Anna to build an airplane with you?" To teach sharing and turn taking, Ms. Coz asks Steven, who has been waiting to play with a toy dolphin for a while, "What magic words could you use to have a turn with the dolphin John is using?"

Both Ms. Coz and Ms. Carnes prominently display visual cues in their classrooms to assist children's social and emotional interactions. For example, they provide teacher-made hand puppets to guide children to use quiet voices, helping hands, and walking feet. To help children calm down, they also created a "push wall"-a designated spot on the wall to push anger out-and use puppets to demonstrate the strategy. These puppets, demonstrations, and explanations are essential for clarifying and modeling appropriate behavior-and the visual cues are essential for reminding the children to practice what they have learned. Long-term visual cues function like a third teacher in the sense that children use the cues to remind one another of solutions and appropriate actions.

Teachers and caregivers promote children's social and emotional health by establishing trusting relationships, created when teachers express warmth, affection, and respect. Teachers can intentionally teach and enhance these skills using evidence-based strategies to teach, model, and reinforce positive behaviors. As evidenced in the preschool classrooms we observed, teachers who prioritize developing children's social and emotional health are richly rewarded with happy, engaged children who learn to avoid and resolve conflicts, share and take turns, and express their emotions in productive ways.

Children's Books for Teaching Social and Emotional Skills

Can You Be a Friend?, by Nita Everly

Care Bears Caring Contest, by Nancy Parent, illus. by David Stein

Fox Makes Friends, by Adam Relf

How Do Dinosaurs Play with Their Friends?, by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague

How I Feel Frustrated, by Marcia Leonard

I Can Do It Myself (a Sesame Street Series), by Emily Perl Kingsley, illus. by Richard Brown

I'm in Charge of Me!, by David Parker, illus. by Sylvia Walker

Mouse Was Mad, by Linda Urban, illus. by Henry Cole

My Many Colored Days, by Dr. Seuss, illus. by Steve Johnson and Lou Fancher

Sharing: How Kindness Grows, by Fran Shaw, illus. by Miki Sakamoto

When I'm Feeling Sad, by Trace Moroney

When Sophie Gets Angry-Really, Really Angry, by Molly Bang

Activities for Supporting Children's Social and Emotional Learning

Helping hands chain: Trace and cut out multiple hands for each child. Place them in a pocket or baggie that is easily accessible. As you recognize a child's helping hand behavior, have the child get a hand from their pocket and connect it to the class's helping hand chain. The hands can be placed on the wall to wrap around the room. On a regular basis, celebrate how long the helping hand chain is getting!

Hand puppets: Create character puppets by having children color or paint the pictures, cut them out, and glue them to craft sticks. Once dry, children can bring their puppets to circle time and act out the story while you read the story aloud. Later, they can take the puppets to the story area or puppet center.

Moving to music: Choose songs with lyrics that encourage movement. Before you start, remind the children that they need to listen closely to the words so they know what actions to take. Classic songs like "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" work well. Many children's CDs have great songs that involve following directions (try "My Ups and Downs," and "Hands Are for Clapping," by Jim Gill). Do the motions with the children as you listen to the songs. After listening to each song several times, children will build confidence and know which motions to do on their own. Point out to the children that they know what to do because they are being such good listeners.

Pass the feeling bag: Place an assortment of scenario picture cards in a bag. As music plays, the children pass the bag. When the music stops, one child picks out a card and identifies it. Have the child talk about how each scenario or item makes him feel and why. Allow children to take turns pulling out picture cards.

Feeling faces collage: Have children cut out different feeling faces from magazines. Mix nontoxic glue and water together in a small bowl. The children put the pictures on top of a piece of paper, take a paintbrush and dip it in glue solution, and paint over their pictures. They can hang their feeling faces collages on the wall.

Share box: Create a special share box that is only introduced during circle time. Children can decorate the box with primary colors or with a bold pattern. Inside the box, place items that can be shared, such as musical instruments, a box of chunky sidewalk chalk, playdough, or several sensory bottles.

Singing: After a story about sharing with friends, sing "Share, share, share your toys; share them with a friend. Share, share, share your toys, let's all play pretend," to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." After a story about feelings, sing "If You're Happy and You Know It" with a variety of emotions and body gestures.

Note: Adapted with permission from Book Nook, created by the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. To use Book Nook guides at no cost, visit http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/resources/strategies.html#booknook.

References

Bandura, A. 1977. Social Learning Theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

Bilmes, J. 2012. Beyond Behavior Manage ment: The Six Life Skills Childre n Need, 2nd ed. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf.

Bovey, T., & P. Strain. 2005. "Strategies for Increasing Peer Social Interactions: Prompting and Acknowledgment." Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. What Works Briefs. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/briefs/wwb17.pdf.

Dombro, A.L., J. Jablon, & C. Stetson. 2011. Powerful Interactions: How to Connect with Children to Extend Their Learning. Washington, DC: National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC).

Duffy, R. 2008. "Are Feelings Fixable?" Exchange 30 (6): 87-90.

Gartrell, D. 2007. A Guidance Approach for the Encouraging Classroom, 4th ed. Florence, KY: Thomson Delmar Learning.

Gordon, A.M., & K.W. Browne. 2014. Beginnings and Beyond: Foundati ons in Early Childhood Education, 9th ed. Belmont, CA: Cengage.

Hyson, M. 2004. The Emotional Development of Young Chil dren: Building an Emotion-Centered Curric ulum, 2nd ed. New York: Teachers College Press.

Katz, L.G., & D.E. McClellan. 1997. Fostering Children's Social Competence: The Teacher's Role. Washington, DC: NAEYC.

Kostelnik, M.J., A.K. Soderman, A.P. Whiren, M.L. Rupiper, & K.M. Gregory. 2015. Guiding Children's Social Development and L earning: Theory and Skills, 8th ed. Stamford, CT: Cengage.

McClellan, D., & L.G. Katz. 2001. "Assessing Young Children's Social Competence." Champaign, IL: ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education. http://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED450953.pdf.

O'Connor, E., & K. McCartney. 2007. "Examining Teacher-Child Relationships and Achievement as Part of an Ecological Model of Development." American Educational R esearch Journal 44 (2): 340-69.

Ostrosky, M.M., & E.Y. Jung. 2005. "Building Positive Teacher-Child Relationships." Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. What Works Briefs. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/briefs/wwb12.pdf.

Palermo, F., L.D. Hanish, C.L. Martin, R.A. Fabes, & M. Reiser. 2007. "Preschoolers' Academic Readiness: What Role Does the Teacher-Child Relationship Play?" Early Childhood Research Quarterly 22 (4): 407-22. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3856866.

Raikes, H.H., & C.P. Edwards. 2009. Exte nding the Dance in Infant and Toddler Caregiving: Enhancing Attachment and Relationships. Baltimore, MD: Brookes.

Riley, D., R.R. San Juan, J. Klinkner, & A. Ramminger. 2008. Social and Emotional Developm ent: Connecting Science and Practice in Early Childhood Settings. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf; Washington, DC: NAEYC.

Roberts, S.K., & P.A. Crawford. 2008. "Real Life Calls for Real Books: Literature to Help Children Cope with Family Stressors." Young Children 63 (5): 12-17.

Twardosz, S. 2005. "Expressing Warmth and Affection to Children." Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning. What Works Briefs. http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/briefs/wwb20.pdf.

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Promoting Young Children's Social and Emotional Health

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Trusting relationships and intentional teaching improve young children's social and emotional health.

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This website contains several other guides for parents to utilize for various different situations.

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Our guides cover a broad range of topics, from the basics on children’s mental health and learning disorders to advice for parents handling common challenges.

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This resource helps parents understand ways to help their child when they are experiencing mood swings.

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Sara, age 9, had always been a thoughtful and cooperative child. Suddenly she seemed like a different person. She began talking back and flat-out ignoring her mom's attempts to get her to finish her homework, get off the phone, or do anything else. Her mom was bewildered and a little frightened. Who was this rude stranger who was impersonating her sweet-tempered daughter?

Concerned, she approached Sara's teacher, who assured her that Sara was the same girl she'd always been. Not only that, her behavior was entirely to be expected. Excess production of hormones during puberty can cause mood swings in tween girls and boys. Sara would soon return to her old self, the teacher promised. But in the meantime, she advised, Sara's mom should try to ignore the worst and remain calm and loving.

What to Expect
Increasingly, preteens are exposed to stress and demands that can lead to moods and behaviors guaranteed to challenge any parent's patience. But because moods actually reflect a state of mind or feeling, it can be hard to identify them as such. What you see instead are the symptoms: being self-absorbed, stubborn, forgetful, or grumpy. It's not always easy, then, to respond in helpful ways.

You'll find the root of the problem is often tied to social and commercial pressures, academic stress, physical and hormonal changes, a yearning for greater freedom, and the desperate desire tweens have to be liked and to have status within their peer group. It's typical for 7 year olds to envy their classmates over clothes or possessions, and for 8 year olds to have concerns about class tests and homework. Nine-year-old girls, already affected by hormones, may be super-sensitive about how they match up in terms of their looks or grades. Ten and 11 year olds may become resentful when they're not granted the same freedoms and rights to roam as their friends, and 12 year olds are certain to brand even the most judicious parental restrictions as "totally unfair!"

Moods tend to take hold when your child feels either put out or put upon. When events don't go as planned or as hoped, or your child feels neglected, it's only natural that he may feel humiliated, angry, jealous, or even powerless, and as a result, want to retreat inside himself for a time. The bad behavior that often follows is usually an attempt to regain ground and restore self-respect. You are often the target because your child knows you won't reject him for the behavior, even if you may not like it.
How You Can Help

Be aware of hormonal changes. The first changes occur before there is any outward sign, so don't be surprised if your child's new moods and volatility catch you off guard. Once early puberty is evident, children can, understandably, become anxious about what exactly is going to happen to their bodies and when. Perhaps most significantly, the brain undergoes a major transformation that reduces a child's ability to control her behavior and makes it harder for her to "read" both emotions and social situations. It's not surprising, then, that your child feels strange, wonders who she is, becomes more prone to confusion and exasperation, and starts to "lose it" - even before the actual teenage years arrive.

Encourage your child's budding judgment. Starting at about age 8, children begin to develop the ability to think and reflect in abstract and logical ways, to look at the world from other people's perspectives, and to formulate their own ideas. Sadly, you will no longer be seen as godlike and faultless. So when your arguments are challenged more frequently, regard it as a sign of your child's healthy development, rather than as something that needs to be squashed. Realize that you will probably have to frame your reasoning more carefully than you did when your child was younger - chances are, "Because I said so!" will no longer suffice.

See "rudeness" in context. There is a difference between being intentionally offensive and being irreverent, aggressive, or honest, so think carefully about what behavior, for you, crosses the line. If your child is warm, affectionate, and helpful most of the time, an occasional demonstration of "disrespect" is probably not that serious, and under some circumstances, may even be appropriate. Irreverence, for example, used at the right time can lighten a mood. If the rudeness continues, however, explain to your child what upsets you about the behavior and why, and agree on some tougher rules. Another option is to refuse to take the bait, and instead, go out of your way to be polite and attentive.

Watch for patterns in moodiness. Most likely, your child's bad moods - and the incidents that set them off - will be fleeting. But if your child's unhappy mood lasts for more than a week or two, consider talking with her teacher or pediatrician. Also take notice if there are changes in your child's sleeping and eating patterns, if she doesn't want to go to school or to friends' houses, spends too much time alone in her bedroom, exhibits poor concentration, or falls behind in her school work. These can all be signs of longer-term unhappiness and should be discussed with your child's doctor.

3 Ways to Respond

1. Be understanding. Although it can be hard not to take your child's bad mood personally, remind yourself that she may not have intended to upset you.

2. Get to the bottom of it. Rather than becoming annoyed or overly cheerful, acknowledge your child's bad mood and ask her about it. Say, "You seem a bit quiet/touchy. It's not like you. Has something happened?" If your child is younger and declines your overtures, encourage her to open up. But if your child is older, realize she might prefer her privacy. You might say, "That's fine, but if you decide differently, I'm here to listen."

3. Give more time and attention. It's tempting to steer clear of your child when she's in a bad mood, but that's when she needs your love and acceptance the most.

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Sara, age 9, had always been a thoughtful and cooperative child. Suddenly she seemed like a different person. She began talking back and flat-out ignoring her mom's attempts to get her to finish her homework, get off the phone, or do anything else. Her mom was bewildered and a little frightened.

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This guide helps parents find creative ways to limit screen time and explore outside with their children.

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The incredible benefits of outdoor play for children and 20 fun ideas to get kids outside today! Why kids need the outdoors and to be outside in nature.

6 Health Benefits of Outdoor Play & 20 Fun Outside Ideas for Kids (No Screens Allowed)

Today, more now than ever, children spend less time outside and with nature than their parent's generation did as children. Technology and organized structuring of "free time" has a tremendous impact on why children are indoors more than outdoors, but the benefits of being outside playing in nature have scientifically proven positive impacts on health, the immune system and children's development.

It's time to step away from screens and send your kids outside to play, here's why:

1. Obesity is surely the most visible sign of a sedentary lifestyle spent mostly inside, but other symptoms include attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), stifled imagination and creativity, and reduced ability to problem solve and show self-discipline.

These can be significantly improved when children spend more time moving and playing outside.

2. Being in a "green" environment has been shown to improve overall wellbeing, self-esteem, bring immediate stress relief, spurs creativity and even significantly improve learning and recall ability, and mental and emotional wellbeing. (Source: University of Essex research study).

3. Unstructured free play outside promotes creativity and imagination because children can immerse themselves in an environment, and think and play freely without adult agendas.

When children head outdoors, they are naturally curious about their environment and new surroundings - the childlike wonder we swoon over as parents, suddenly reappears!

4. Being outside may feel less like a stimulating environment than a learning activity, or even playing a video game, but being immersed in nature forces children to engage their senses.

When kids are outside, they see, touch, smell, and hear what's around them but when they are mostly indoors, children can't engage these senses properly and over time, they become dulled and function diminishes.

5. Exercise helps kids focus, and improve recognition and recall abilities.

While exercise doesn't have to be a team sport or turn you into a weekend warrior at the soccer fields, heading outside to get your blood pumping and breathe in fresh air is beneficial for every age.

Walking the dog, going on a bike ride or playing hopscotch outside is better than being a couch potato watching a screen.

6. According to the Attention Restoration Theory, in a natural environment, we practice an effortless style of attention called "soft fascination." which creates feelings of pleasure and restfulness.

However, when you live in an urban environment you use what's called "directed attention," which forces a person to ignore distractions and exhausts the brain.

Being in nature is the opposite of this - immersing yourself in a green and natural environment - reduces stress and brain fatigue, decreases aggression and increases overall happiness.

As one study published by the American Medical Association in 2005 states, " Children will be smarter, better able to get along with others, healthier and happier when they have regular opportunities for free and unstructured play in the out-of-doors."

It's time to shut off technology and head outside - for your children's wellbeing, a healthy immune system & overall happiness!

Here are 20 fun ways to get your kids outdoors for rejuvenating & stress-free fun:

1. Set up an obstacle course in your backyard and grab a stop-watch for a little friendly competition.

2. Participate in a nature-themed scavenger hunt finding items such as a ladybug, pinecone, yellow flower, etc. Get the neighbors involved, the more the merrier!

3. Go for a nature walk at a new park or hiking trail.

4. Head out berry, apple or fruit picking at a local farm or orchard.

5. Grab books at the library to help your kids identify the things they see in nature (birds, bugs, trees, etc.)

6. Set up a blanket and head outside to read books and have lunch.

7. Buy your kids their own set of gardening tools to dig, explore and get a little dirty (and use all their senses immersed in nature.)

8. Start a collection - rocks, bugs, flowers, or leaves. (Just be careful, most state parks have strict rules about not bringing anything home.)

9. Stack and balance rocks, see how can make the tallest pile without toppling over.

10. Go on a rock hunt to pick up a dozen rocks for rock painting or creating kindness rocks to leave around your neighborhood with encouraging messages such as "You are beautiful," "You are smart," and "I love your smile."

11. Turn your backyard into a kid's exploration & adventure headquarters! Hang a chalkboard on the fence, set up buckets with balls, yard toys and squirt guns. Turn on the sprinklers, hang a swing from a tree branch, assemble a hammock, create sensory bins with sand and construction vehicles or water buckets to splash in. The options are endless!

12. Plant a garden together and tend to the vegetables, plants and flowers as a family.

13. Create nature-themed art collages by going on a nature walk and collecting items for your art project and then to work dreaming up a masterpiece only using the things you find!

14. Melt crayons in the hot sun on rocks or an art canvas.

15. Invite the neighbors over to run through the sprinklers or race down a slip and slide.

16. Give your kids a magnifying glass and let them investigate the great outdoors!

17. Create bird feeders and set up a viewing spot to watch the local birds flock to your home.

18. Bundle up and head outside to jump in puddles or build a snowman in the snow.

19. Make mud pies (but be sure to set up a washing station nearby.)

20. Visit a local stream to catch tadpoles and watch as they grow into frogs (and then release them once they're grown.)

More Resources for Raising Healthy Kids & Outdoor Play

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6 Critical Health Benefits of Outdoor Play for Young Kids

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The incredible benefits of outdoor play for children and 20 fun ideas to get kids outside today! Why kids need the outdoors and to be outside in nature. Today, more now than ever, children spend less time outside and with nature than their parent's generation did as children.

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This resource helps parents find ways to help their child manage the nerves of the first day of school.

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First day of school notes to brighten up your child's day & combat nervousness. Notes to make your child feel brave and loved as they head back to school.

People have been telling me ever since my twins were days old, "enjoy them while they're little, it goes fast," and "don't take this time for granted."

I'd tell myself, they weren't the ones doing double duty, and night feedings with two babies, or changing 20 diapers a day and then trying to keep the peace once they began to scratch and claw at each other for their beloved Barney doll or "favorite" matchbox car.

Back then, those words were lost on me and I didn't realize what they meant until I sent the kids off to Kindergarten last year. Admittedly, I was a bit of a hysterical mess. The kind of parent who who cried the entire week before school started,wrote a sappy blog post about her child leaving the nest , sobbed over breakfast, and then again when I said goodbye and watched them walk into their classrooms.

Kindergarten gave me a renewed sense to hold on tighter, to hug them longer, snap more pictures, write more letters, and record everything with a urgent sense of importance.

Last year we had some school anxiety and I wanted to find something that would help comfort them when they'd be off on their own. It worked so well, I've vowed to make it a tradition I do every year for them.

I created a little note for the first day of school which is meant to be paired with two matching bracelets (or necklaces, hair ties, etc.)

The note describes that if your child feels sad or scared during the day, all they have to do is touch the bracelet and they will know you're with them and are thinking of them.

Here is the note one I made for my son and the matching leather bracelets he received for him and his Dad to wear:

I know this sounds a little silly, but last year when Juliette came running up to me after the first day of school, the very first thing she told me that her necklace helped her be brave when she started to feel scared.

You can download a boy and girl version and print out a copy for a special surprise on the first day of school.

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First Day of School Tradition to Calm School Nervousness

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First day of school notes to brighten up your child's day & combat nervousness. Notes to make your child feel brave and loved as they head back to school. People have been telling me ever since my twins were days old, "enjoy them while they're little, it goes fast," and "don't take this time for granted."

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This resource helps parents understand the impact of their parenting on their child.

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How Parenting Behavior Plays a Role in Children's Negative Behavior & Positive Behavior. How to examine your own behavior to be a role model for your kids.

IMPORTANT: This is the second part of a 4-part series: Get Kids to Listen, Put a Stop to Power Struggles and Stay Calm. If you haven't read the first part, you can read it here.

Plus, if you're a parent struggling to get control of their anger and stop yelling, then Calm Parenting: Learn to Stop Yelling eCourse is jam-packed with tools and strategies for calmer days ahead.

Why Parenting Behavior Plays a Role in Children's Negative Behaviors (and Positive Behavior, too!)

Here's a truth bomb when it comes to kids not listening and parents getting frustrated:

It's never just a kid problem.

Trust me, I know how easy it is (or how much sometimes you might want to) redirect the blame instead of taking responsibility for your actions, but real change doesn't start until you understand this one important fact.

If you aren't aware of your own triggers, you can't stop triggering your child.

So, what do I mean by that?

Our personalities can fuel power struggles and bring out certain behaviors in our kids we don't like. Yep, we easily add fuel to the fire.

I'll be the first to admit my personality causes me to butt heads with my son and can make situations worse. I like being in control and my stubbornness gets me into power struggles with him.

When I want things MY way, and don't stop to to listen to his suggestions or take full stock of the situation, it makes things 10x worse.

It's no surprise, when I'm too controlling, his natural reaction is to push back and we go from 1 to 100 real quick.

A child who can't flee, will always fight back.

That's where power struggles, backtalk, tantrums, meltdowns, and all the unpleasant behavior parents dislike begins.

This article will help you figure out (and has a link to a quiz if you want to take it a step further) what parenting style you are, and how to adjust your approach for more cooperation and respect from your kids.

Then...

Once you can see how your parenting style affects your relationship with your children, you can also start figuring out what your triggers are causing you to get upset, lose your patience, or even yell.

Some of the most common triggers to parenting frustrations are everyday occurrences.

This is component of what I teach in my eCourse, Calm Parenting: Learn to Stop Yelling.

While triggers on their own, seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, when they happen daily, tend to get under your skin more easily.

Examples of Everyday Triggers:

When your kids are fighting with each other over unimportant things like who get's to have the first bowl at breakfast, or sit next to you while you read a book to them.

You're perpetually running 10 minutes late every morning.

Asking for a snack 30 times during the day after you've already made breakfast, lunch and are about to start dinner.

Having to repeat yourself 37 times before your kids put their shoes in the shoe bin, not just in the 3-foot space in front of the shoe bin.

Or when your walk through the door and can't see the floor because it's covered in toys, couch cushions and smashed cheerios and your entire life suddenly feels like a mess because of what's in front of you.

Loud noise and rough housing every night after a long day and your patience is already razor-thin.

When you close their door and are in the home-stretch to watching your show on Netflix, when you hear your child ask for one more book, more water, another snuggle...

What's Behind Your Parenting Triggers?

No matter how aggravating we find our children's behavior, this is As easy as it is to place the blame on their behavior, this is only what triggers your reaction. not

Underneath that trigger is an entirely different emotion - it's the ROOT to your frustrations, to your impatience, or anger.

Environment and how you feel play big roles if your child's behavior is going to send you over the edge or bounce off you rubber.

With everything going on the past 6-months, circumstances are definitely not normal but we all have to remember, a child may be an expert at pushing your buttons, but he doesn't cause your response.

Dealing with Triggers that make you mad enough to yell? Maybe you don't want a full eCourse, but you need something... anything to help. TheStop Yelling Handbook is a beginner's guide to figuring out what the heck is going on and how to get a hold of your emotions.

What causes your response is the ROOT of your Trigger... these are the true feelings and emotions hidden under the surface you need to get to, to understand why your buttons get pushed in the first place.

what causes our upset responses to them.

How you feel inside - stressed, annoyed, tired, overworked, unappreciated, etc.

How your day is going - hard, stressful, you're sick, the kids are sick, you got some bad news, you're running late, you don't have any alone time, etc.

How your home makes you feel - it's messy and you're stressed, you have a ton of chores to catch up on, you are behind on bills, you worry about money, you've done the dishes 4 times already that day, etc.

Parenting Behavior is Dictated By What's Going on Inside

The truth about roots is that it's all about YOU and what's going on INSIDE.

It's your feelings, perception of the situation and how you perceive something is happening or affects you, that triggers you.

Take Action: Parenting Behavior Overhaul

Over the next week, figure out how your personality and parenting style plays a role in your relationship with your kids and ultimately, influences their behavior. Then you'll be able to find areas to work on.

Also, start taking stock of the times when your kids get on your nerves or you react in a way you don't like... what was going on at the time, how were you feeling, what's at the root of your behavior?

Make little notes so you can figure all this out. Once you find your triggers, and the root, you can test out solutions to triggers so they don't keep coming up time and time again.

More Resources to Help You with Positive Parenting:

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How Parenting Behavior Influences Kid's Positive (& Negative) Behavior

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How Parenting Behavior Plays a Role in Children's Negative Behavior & Positive Behavior. How to examine your own behavior to be a role model for your kids. IMPORTANT: This is the second part of a 4-part series: Get Kids to Listen, Put a Stop to Power Struggles and Stay Calm.

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This guide helps parents talk to their children about emotions and how to express them in a healthy way.

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Teaching feelings & helping kids express their emotions builds lifelong emotional intelligence. Start teaching toddlers emotions and expressing themselves. Plus, why emotion picture cards and calm down picture cards are game changers to teaching emotions and finding healthy ways to calm down.

If you want to take it to the next level, Emotions A-Z: from Chaos to in Control, will teach you how to help your child how to name, identify, communicate and calmly express their emotions.

Teaching Feelings is Important to Building Emotional Intelligence

Oh the emotions.

Such big, big emotions that come from such little bodies.

The early years are a critical time for children's development, and as they learn about the world around them, theres equally a lot of discoveries and new feelings going on inside.

Children aren't born with the innate ability to identify their emotions and communicate their feelings for a couple reasons:

They don't know how to identify one emotion from another (or even what an emotion is!),

They don't have the words for what they feel because emotional intelligence is a learned skill, and

Brain development tells us self control doesn't begin forming until the upper brain starts to develop around the age of 7 and doesn't fully mature until around the age of 24. Little kids literally can't stop themselves in the middle of a tantrum, outburst or when they're upset.

I know for me, when my twins turned four, how quickly they could feel emotions and show me, was one of the hardest parts to understand. When all seemed right, one trigger could cause my son or my daughter to melt into a puddle of tears, or turn into a velociraptor in moments.

Here's the thing I've learned along the way.

Emotions are complex and for young children who are trying to understand all about their feelings and how to express them in an appropriate way, navigating these complexities is not easy.

Want Help Supporting Your Child's Big Emotions? Check Out These Resources:

Teaching Toddlers Emotions Starts at Home

As a result of navigating all the complexities of emotions, toddlers and young kids tend to vent their feelings in big ways - through emotional outbursts, difficult behavior and then afterwards, seem to have a hard time calming down from their heightened feelings.

According to brain development, the upper brain (the part of the brain that helps a person self regulate and think rationally) doesn't even begin to develop until the age of 7, but won't fully mature until the age of 24 ( approximately.)

This means, particularly for toddles, they don't have a shut off switch and you can't reason with them when they're having a tantrum or outburst.

The thing is...

Adults are the most important guides when it comes to teaching toddlers about emotions.

As adults, we can understand and express out emotions appropriately, and when we spend time with our children, we can think of ways to talk about, teach, recognize and model how to name and express our feelings - and theirs as well - in healthy ways.

Teaching emotions is a learning experience in identifying and expressing their emotions and while it can feel challenging at times, especially when you're waiting through another emotional outburst in the parking lot of Target.

The good news is that emotional intelligence is a life long skill that will help you child for decades to come, so if you put in the work now, it'll keep paying off for their entire lifetime.

Here are some things you can do to help your child learn and understand their emotions better:

6 Steps to Teaching Feelings & How to Help Kids Express Their Emotions

1. Talk About Your Own Feelings

Have you ever heard the expression, "you have to walk the walk to talk the talk."

In other words, the best way to teach your children to express their feelings, is to set a good example yourself. Start by talking about your own feelings.

Modeling healthy emotional expression means you verbally talk out loud about your own feelings and behavior as you experience them.

"I feel frustrated when we're running late."

"I feel sad when you tell me mean things"

"I feel proud that the article I wrote was published in a magazine."

"I'm feeling really angry right now so I'm going to go outside for a few minutes. I don't want to say something I don't mean or that could be hurtful."

"I feel excited about my 5K time because my hard work paid off!"

Using I feel statements helps your child see your behavior, notice your expression and register the feeling that connected them together. This is the start to building emotional intelligence.

When your child sees you being open about your feelings, it encourages them to express themselves too.

We use these Emotion Picture Cards in our house to help teach feelings too. I started by pointing out my own feelings using the picture cards, but now my kids use them to communicate with each other, with me and also to help them recognize what they're feeling if they don't have the right words to explain it.

Sometimes all they do is show me a card so I know what they're feeling. Often when they're experiencing heightened emotions, they don't want to talk about it right away, so this has been a helpful communication tool.

They've been a miracle worker for teaching emotions and keeping the lines of communication open!

2. Help Them Untangle & Label Their Emotions

Emotions are like a foreign language to a child, but the more you go through your daily life helping to label your child's feelings, the more they'll be abel to untangle their emotions and name them on their own.

"It looks like you're feeling sad your friend didn't want to play."

"It sounds like you're upset we have to leave the park to go home for dinner."

"I think what you're feeling could be jealousy because your brother wants to play with the neighbor and not you. Is that right?"

"You look pretty excited you aced your spelling test."

"You're so proud you caught the baseball!"

3. Talk & Game Plan About Healthy Ways to Express Emotions

It's also important to create opportunities for you and your child to come up with alternative solutions to expressing emotions instead of throwing things, hitting, having a tantrum, etc.

You can start the conversation by using your own behavior as an example so they understand how to find healthy ways to express their emotions.

"Remember when I was really stressed out yesterday because we were running late for the doctor's appointment. When I get stressed out, I like to take deep breaths and close my eyes for a few seconds. This helps me to calm down."

"Remember when I yelled yesterday because I was on the phone and it was really loud in the house?" I should have taken a deep breath, asked you to go outside to play or stepped outside myself, instead of yelling. That wasn't the right way to handle the situation."

Now it's time to turn it back on your child. Here are some ideas to get you started:

"I know you're frustrated because you want to go outside and play, but first we need to clean up our mess in the house. What can we do to speed things up? Do you think you can ask for help or ask to turn on a song so you can clean up to music?"

"You are jealous because your sister went to play with a friend and you feel left out. Instead getting upset, is there anyone you want to play with or do you want to ask me or your Dad to do something with you?"

"Your sister is upset because she bumped her head. How do you think she feels? Do you know any way to help her feel better?

"I'm sorry I yelled at you when you didn't clean up your room. I was frustrated because we had guests coming over for dinner, but yelling doesn't solve anything. Next time, we'll set aside an extra 10 minutes to make sure our rooms are cleaned up on time."

4. Praise When Your Children Handle Their Feelings in a Healthy Way

Teaching emotions, especially to toddlers, can be a challenge. The one thing you want to avoid is discipline methods or shaming to correct your child's misbehavior, as this does nothing to help them deal with their emotions.

When you resort to these methods - time outs, consequences, and shaming - it only teaches a child to bottle up their emotions until they get to the point of exploding through a meltdown, tantrums or outbursts at home, in public or at school.

Instead, teach them appropriate ways to express themselves.

Using shaming phrases sends the message that feelings are bad and should be hidden.

Avoid Phrases such as:

Don't cry

Why are you crying

What are you crying for

Stop doing that

Don't be a baby

Don't act like a baby

Praise your child when they handle their feelings constructively.

"I noticed how you walked away from the table when Cooper said something that made you mad. Instead of reacting, you made a really good choice to walk away."

"I'm really proud of the way you talked about your feelings when Juliette said something mean at dinner. You did the right thing."

Pay attention and point out how proud you are when your child choses a healthy way to express themselves.

Instead of using punishment or shaming language, do help your child to process and manage their emotions in positive ways until they're able to do it on their own.

Calm down picture cards gives children the choice about how they want to calm down. There are 30 gentle and healthy ways to calm down for kids to choose from depending on what they want and feel they need at the time.

5. Regulate Your Response to Situations

You can show how to set things right when you do react instead of respond.

When you as the adult, are able to regulate your own response to situations, you model feelings management for your children.

Think of what happens when you raise your voice and yell. Does it make the situation around you escalate? Does your child yell back or burst into tears?

Using big emotions to combat big emotions only makes for an explosion.

Before you react to a situation or emotions, make sure you have control of your own emotions before you react. It's OK to explain that sometimes you need a quick break before you can respond, so you don't say or do something you'll later regret.

6. Connect With Your Children

Studies have proven that the more children feel connected to their parents, the more they are able to regulate and deal with their emotions in healthy ways.

When you notice your child getting upset, the best thing you can do for them is to practice empathetic listening, use nonjudgmental communication and make them feel comfortable expressing their emotions.

Try putting yourself in your child's shoes and seeing the world from their perspective. This will help you understand the reason behind the meltdown, and to respond empathetically.

In fact, experts recommend that we hug our children during these tough times, because of the benefits it provides in regulating their emotions.

Child Emotion List

Emotions are complex and with so many of them, it just adds to the tangled feelings children have. These are the 42 most common emotions toddlers and young children show. (All 42 emotions are used in the Emotion Picture Card set too!)

Related Resources for Teaching Emotions & Emotional Intelligence:

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Teaching Feelings & 6 Steps to Help Kids Express Their Emotions

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Teaching feelings & helping kids express their emotions builds lifelong emotional intelligence. Start teaching toddlers emotions and expressing themselves. Plus, why emotion picture cards and calm down picture cards are game changers to teaching emotions and finding healthy ways to calm down.

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This resource helps parents teach their children how to show respect and politeness to their peers and adults.

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Teaching kids the value of respect in a rude world. How to navigate disrespectful behavior without yelling. Teaching kids respect in 8 simple ways.

Teaching Kids Respect in a Rude World

Earlier this year, I experienced a new point in parenthood where my kids began rolling their eyes, talking back, copping an attitude and sometimes outright ignoring me when they're told no or didn't get what they wanted.
Ugh, the disrespect and rudeness!
It was maddening.

Which, if you know me or my husband, you know this type of behavior doesn't fly in our home. Using manners and respecting those in authority, whether at home or in public, is a really important, and basic principle we want to instill in our children.

Soon after my twins started 2nd grade, they each came down with case of bad attituditis.

Basic manners they had mastered at the age of two like, " Please," " Thank You" and "May I " seemed to have disappeared from their vocabulary all together.

"Can I please have a snack?" turned into " where's my snack" after school.

Or, " thank you for dinner Mom" changed to "ugh, I think I'm going to barf!"

What about ultimatums? Do you have those in your house, boy did we! A couple that stand out were the ultimatum my son gave me when he lost one of his toys for hitting his sister and said, "if you don't let me play with my toy, I'm not going to make my bed."

Here's another one overheard from the backyard between my girls; "If you don't play the game I want to play, I'm not going to play with you at all!"

2nd grade was also the time they started learning works like stupid, dumb, jerk and lame, which when they put into the context of " this dumb game is so stupid" isn't cool with this Mama.

When it was said during a round of family UNO one night, my husband and I looked at each other, declared the game over and had an impromptu talk about respect.

It wasn't long before we turned things around, and I'll touch on all the 8 ways that worked for us, so if you have the same "bad attitudeitis" in your house, you can kick it to the curb too!

Demand Respect and Squash the Disrespect

All this disrespect, manipulation, and copping an attitude had me annoyed and frustrated.

Showing respect for others should be a basic value all children are taught, but unfortunately when others are around who don't have the same values, disrespect can spread like the flu during cold season.

I asked myself, What had happened to the respectful children I was raising? Where did we go wrong?

The thing is... disrespect has become a larger societal problem than we realize, and it's being picked up by our children at school, practice and on the playgrounds.

While we were doing a lot of things right at home, we were also letting certain behaviors slide. When the kids went to school and picked up new things, it made the attitudes, the talking back and disrespectful behavior even worse.

Acting disrespectfully is another manipulation to help kids get what they want, just like crying and fussing worked as babies.

Think about it, from the time babies arrive, all they know how to do to ask for what they need, is to cry, scream, whine and fuss. It works because thats their only way of communicating until they learn otherwise.

(Psst.... emotion picture cards worked like magic when it came time to teach my three kids how to recognize, name and communicate what they were feeling.)

As they grow and their brains continue to develop, it then becomes a parent's job to teach them how to talk, act and behave in respectful ways to get their needs met that don't involve ways that worked for them as babies.

The most effective way to teach kids respectful behavior is to model it yourself, says Victoria Kindle Hodson, coauthor of Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids.

When we teach and model respectful behavior, we'll end up imparting basic lessons about kindness, consideration, honesty, and empathy, as well as gratitude.

While you may start off with a strong foundation of manners and behavior, it's easy for kids to get off track when they're around others, but fortunately, it's just as easy to get back in line with a little help from Mom and Dad.

We were able to turn things around at our home fairly quickly.

Here's the cliff notes versions of what worked, but read on for the full detail on all 8 ways to teach kids respect below:

Re-teaching good manners and praising them for polite behavior.

Setting behavior expectations before we went anywhere.

Acting quickly to curb disrespectful behavior when we saw or heard it. Waiting doesn't do anyone any good and especially doesn't teach any important lessons!

Openly talked about respect and reinforced it with books, movies, and family discussions about being open-minded.

You've got to give respect to earn respect.

Here are 8 simple, yet highly effective ways to teach kids respect and how to act politely.

1) Demand Good Manners

Teaching manners begins with toddlers and isn't a fleeting formality. Being polite when taught early and consistently becomes an ingrained basic way of existing in this world.

When you help your child learn cues, and praise them for their good manners, you'll be able to reinforce their behavior.

Once my husband and I noticed manners they'd long been familiar with were missing in our day-to-day interactions, we spent a lot of time reminding them to say "please" or "thank you" and asking them to help hold the door open for others, and then praising them afterwards. We also explained why manners are important and how much we appreciated their politeness and soon, we were back on track.

We still praise them and catch them using their manners, so we don't slip again in the future!

Saying "thank you" after something is received, given or exchanged.

Using the word "please" when you're asking for help or would like to receive something you want or need.

Looking people in the eye when you greet them or if they're talking to you. (Once toddlers master please and thank you, then begin working on eye-contact.)

Greeting others with "hello" or "goodbye" as well as responding to someone when they greet you.

Saying "I'm sorry" or "excuse me."

Holding the door open for others.

Not speaking over others, but waiting until it's their turn to talk.

2) Set Realistic Expectations for Your Child

It's helpful to set limits beforehand. When you're going out in public, review your expectations and what appropriate manners are.

For example, if you're going to a restaurant, talk about what the proper manners are for having a meal at a restaurant and a consequence if they don't act appropriately. Just be prepared to follow through with the consequence if you have to.

Setting expectations ahead of time, lets your children know what you expect of them. If they do a great job and there aren't any problems, certainly praise and give them credit.

You can also set boundaries for playtime, around the house, etc.

Kids have to learn the world doesn't revolve around them and they must consider others with their actions.

"If they can't follow your house rules, they won't be able to do it in kindergarten and beyond," says Dr. Schweiger, author of Self-Esteem for a Lifetime: Raising a Successful Child from The Inside Out. "By allowing them to do whatever they want, without consequences, you're setting them up for failure later on. So it's important to instill a regard for authority in your little ones, starting at home."

3) Put a Stop to Rude Behavior

Every time I volunteer in my children's classrooms, I overhear bratty behavior like name calling and foul language. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior is pretty common these days, and because of this, it's easy to brush over it, and then ignore it before moving on with our day.

The problem is that when we wash over this kind of behavior simply by rolling our eyes or because we have such busy lives and it makes it hard to respond immediately to our children's every moves, it creates an unintentional problem.
When theres's no accountability for their behavior, we can't expect it to stop.
We're allowing our kids to speak this way to their friends, family and even other authority figures because they think it's okay to cop an attitude and sass other people.

That's why it's vital to nip this kind of behavior in the bud and teach kids disrespectful behavior is never acceptable.

If your 're unsure if your child is crossing a line, ask yourself this question and see how you feel.
"Would I let my friends talk to me this way? Would I let my neighbor talk to me this way? Would I let my partner talk to me this way?
If the answer is no, then your child shouldn't be speaking to you this way either and it's time to teach this type of behavior is unacceptable.

Stand up and and say:
"We don't speak to each other that way in this family."
It's important that if you see your child being disrespectful, to try to nip it in the bud quickly.

4) Respectfully Correct Your Child

If your child is being disrespectful, and you need to correct them, there's no need to yell or snap at them.

Choose to see this as an opportunity to teach them how to be respectful, but being that yourself. Having an attitude of your own in response to theirs, is not at all helpful. In fact, it'll only escalate the situation and cause even more disrespectful behavior.

Instead, give your child a clear understanding of what's acceptable. To be an effective teacher, you don't have to embarrass or shout at them. If you're in public or with friends or family, put your child aside to talk to them.

This is a teachable moment, and when you make your expectation firm and clear, as well as a related consequences if the behavior continues, then you can move ahead. If you do have to follow through with the consequence, be prepared to do so, but still in a respectful way without yelling or shouting.

Be sure you're in front of your child, looking at them when you speak and connect. Shouting a command from another room makes it easy to ignore (I'm sure you've seen how well kids don't listen to you when you don't ask them nicely or standing in front of them) and it's being disrespectful to your child.

You can't be a role model for your child if you're not being kind, having self-control and being respectful.

Related Article: Consequences for Kids: Why Some Work & Others Never Do

5) Teach Kids Healthy Ways to Express Themselves

When you talk to a child about why they're mad, jealous, angry, annoyed, etc. although it's never acceptable to lash out at another person, you can help them express their feelings using I Feel Statements.

I feel frustrated because...

I feel jealous because...

I feel angry because...

Using emotion picture cards can help kids figure out what they're feeling and even to communicate with you about what's going on.

Steer clear or finger-pointing statements that being with You or a Name, encourages kids to put feelings into words.

You are being a jerk...

You are mean!

Sally is a brat...

The best thing to do is listen and be a sounding board, correcting your child to use I Feel Statements if you need, but listening and empathizing with their feelings so you validate them and show you're on their team.

You really sound mad, can you tell me more about what's going on?

You must be really angry right now, can you describe what happened to make you so mad?

6) Keep an Open Mind

Treating others with respect means accepting you're not going to get along with everyone, or even like them - and that's okay, but you're still polite and open to seeing where they're coming from.

Keeping an open mind allows kids to have a fresh way of looking at things - life, diversity, activities, new friends, etc. Learning other people's points of view, interests, and hobbies can expose them to new ways of thinking, and who knows, they may even make a connection on that journey of discovery.

Think of your kid's curiosity as an opportunity to teach him about respecting differences.

There's more than one way to do something, or think of something and keeping an open-mind will serve your child way as a lifelong skill.

The same is true with diversity. Other children may not look the same as your child, but being respectful and having an open mind allows your child to learn we're not al the same and that's not a bad thing.

Your job as a parent?

To teach your child that even if they aren't friends with another child, they still deserve the same respectful treatment as someone who is their friend or family member.

It's important to expose kids to diverse cultures, ethnicities, foods, books with different characters, and traditions so they explore things that are different than what's in their own surroundings, and see the bigger world as a place brimming with possibility and discovery.

7) Teach Kids to Respect Belongings and Material Things

Having a boy who likes to take apart, rebuild and construct items from around our house, teaching him to respect our belongings has been a many-years long process.

When we teach children how to treat the home and their belongings with respect, we can give them a greater consideration for all the hard work that went into those purchases, as well as a sense of gratitude.

How to teach respect of home & belongings:

Explain to children what gives something worth. If your child takes a ball from the neighbor's yard without asking, without getting angry, explain why that ball is important to neighbor and that it belongs to him. Another example is picking flowers from your neighbor's yard, and explaining that she plants the flowers to make her yard beautiful and if the flowers are picked, she won't be able to look out and see flowers she worked hard to plant any longer.

Less is always more when it comes to playthings. The less items they have, the more they'll appreciate and value them.

Lay out your rules for using objects in your home. If your child is holding a snow globe for example, explain that they have to hold with two hands to gently rock it, but don't shake it and don't drop it.

8) Model Respectful Behavior

You've got to give respect, to earn respect.
What better way to teach a behavior than modeling the behavior you want to teach?
Show them how to respect by respecting them. I don't mean calling them sir or madam, or bowing to them. Just treat your child as a person in the same way you treat other grownups.
For example, respect their preferences.
I've heard a father yell at his son for eating the inside of a pie first before the crust because that was the wrong way to eat a pie. True story.

t is ridiculous how some parents want to have complete control over their child's behavior and preferences. Most of us are not this extreme but we still do some variations of preference policing. But if you want your child to respect you, start with respecting their choices.

Everyone has their own preferences. As much as I want my little one to be a mini-me and like exactly the same things I do, she is not. My child has her own liking. If I don't like what she wants, I will explain my rationale. But ultimately, she has to learn to make decisions for herself. As long as her choice is not a danger to safety or health, is not (too) financially consuming and does not hurt others, I honor it.

That is why I let her make her own choices in things such as her own outfits. She often ends up going to her preschool wearing mismatched socks, pajamas under dresses, a shirt under/over a dress, etc.

Every person has the right to think independently and like different things. That should include children.

When children's differences are accepted, they feel heard and respected. They see first-hand how to treat others who have different opinions. They learn that they should respect people despite their differences.

This understanding and tolerance for differences will become especially important when the teenage years come. That's when everything Mom and Dad say will sound stupid to them and you want your child to know how to tolerate and still respect you!

More Resources on Positive Parenting & Teaching Respect to Kids:

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8 Highly Effective Ways for Teaching Kids Respect & How to Be Polite

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Teaching kids the value of respect in a rude world. How to navigate disrespectful behavior without yelling. Teaching kids respect in 8 simple ways. Earlier this year, I experienced a new point in parenthood where my kids began rolling their eyes, talking back, copping an attitude and sometimes outright ignoring me when they're told no or didn't get what they wanted.

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This tool is a great way to help siblings get along and develop a good relationship early on.

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This fun activity will encourage siblings to get along. Print the sibling acts of kindness calendar to help spread the love & stop the sibling fighting.
Fun Activities to Encourage Siblings to Get Along

It's natural for kids to disagree and argue.
(At least that's what I've read in all my parenting books and that's what I remind myself.)
A little banter back and forth isn't bad, but when my kids are screaming at each other, slinging names to hurt the other or even pushing the other person, that's when I have to step in and help them hit the restart button.

Every child feels they play a different role in the family.

The leader.

The baby.

The athletic one.

The one good at school.

The funny one.

The trouble-maker.

The rule-follower.

The free thinker.

The perfectionist.

The problem? Kids start believing these unstated roles are to who they are, and who their siblings are. This is what creates resentment, jealousy and sibling rivalry.

When we place our kids in these roles - and they believe them deep in their hearts - it can inadvertently create hardships between our children, and that's the last thing we want for them as parents.
-> Download Your Sibling Acts of Kindness Calendar using the link at the bottom of this article. I guarantee this activity will help siblings to get along!
How can you Teach Siblings to Get Along?

The first step of helping siblings get along is to stop assigning them roles whether aloud or in your head, and breaking up the existing roles siblings believe of each other.

For example, my son has challenging behavior and he thinks of himself as a troublemaker, as do his siblings. Yes, we have more talks with him and get more calls from school about his behavior, but he's also incredibly athletic, a smart and has a very soft, caring side. We'll often find him making arts and crafts or building things to give to other people, especially if they're feeling sad or left out.

Instead of thinking of his as being "hard" or a "troublemaker" I spend my time focusing on his strengths and don't label his challenging qualities.

His true superpowers are his determination, his strong will, desire to persevere, his compassion, and kindness towards others, and ability to retain information and recall it years later exactly as he's read it (and I've clearly forgotten it.)

Our little neighbor joined us for a walk the other day and my son was off zig zagging across the trail and not listening to his Dad or I tell him to watch out for other people and bikers on the trail. I was becoming frustrated he wasn't listening, but Rowan said, "Trenton is really adventurous" and her statement stopped me.

Instead of seeing his behavior as irritating or that he wasn't listening, she pointed out a strong characteristics of his and flipped the negative into a positive without thinking twice.

This is exactly how you break silent role stereotypes.

When labels are used between siblings, you can use this tactic to stop the language and point out their strengths for everyone to see how to pivot and find the positive.

As parents, we can help siblings get along.

When we are able to notice labeled roles each person plays in their family, and work to change them, we can encourage stronger sibling connections by removing this one part of the puzzle that causes resentment towards one another.

Children are always jockeying to be the "golden child" in their parent's eyes. Sibling rivalry is really one child trying to get a foothold over the other.

However, when you use the same rules, the same consequences and equal and fair time with each of your child, it's hard for them to find a difference in treatment from one child to another.

Sure, you'll have times when one child is acting better, or feels easier, than the other, but you have to be mindful of your body language and the language you use so the other kids don't use this as a power play and

How can You Help Resolve a Sibling Conflict?

I've tried everything when it comes to resolving sibling conflict. I've tried teaching them how to communicate, letting them work it out, using empathy, being a referee, time-outs and even punishment.

Nothing has worked as well as this four-step process I implemented to help resolve sibling spats. Here's what to do when sibling fighting is going down at home, at your in-laws, in public or anywhere else.

Pull the two siblings aside to a quiet space / corner / different room

Use the mutual understanding tool. This is where each person shares something they want the other person to know.

Ask one child, "what do you want _________ to know?" and let them share so they feel heard by the other person. The other person cannot speak or interrupt while their sibling is talking.

Then, ask the other child, "what do you want _________ to know?" repeating the step above.

Then go back to the first child and ask them, "is that it?" and allow them additional time to share.

Repeat this question with the second child asking them, "is that it??"

Now you ask each child to play back what they heard their other sibling share. You can ask the listening child, "is that what you wanted them to hear?" to make sure they gathered all the information.

Next is for the siblings to work together to create a plan.

Ask them, "does anyone have ideas on how you can forward from this?" and let them come up with ideas.

When they come to a mutual agreement, you can make sure everyone agrees by asking, "is this an idea everyone can live with?" and then move on.

My Favorite Activity to Encourage Sibling Kindness (and just to help them to get along!)

We have this printable (you can download it right below here in a second) hanging on a cabinet near their work station and actively encourage our kids to do nice things for one another.

This printable can help in your house too.

Simply print it out (it's a standard 8.5 x 11" piece of paper you'll receive in PDF format), talk to your kids about how to use the calendar (whether it's aiming to do something nice once a week or once a day for one another), and bring it up in conversations when they ask for something to or say they're bored.

More Sibling Resources:

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Sibling Kindness Calendar: An Activity to Help Siblings to Get Along

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This fun activity will encourage siblings to get along. Print the sibling acts of kindness calendar to help spread the love & stop the sibling fighting. It's natural for kids to disagree and argue. (At least that's what I've read in all my parenting books and that's what I remind myself.)

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This resource is great for parents that want to talk with their child about choosing the right friends and being the right friends.

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We can't chose our kids friends, but we can teach them how to choose good friends and the right friends. Showing children what makes a good friend, how to choose their own friends and be a good friend to others. Friendship lessons on communication, loyalty, support and handling disagreements without hurt feelings.

Children start building meaningful friendships around the age of 4-5. These relationships can be with classmates, neighborhood kids, cousins and connections through the parent's friendships. As parents, we want to ensure our children know how to choose the right friends.

Before age four, children practice playing side-by-side where they are involved in their own games and exploration to satisfy their own desires, separate from one-another. After the age of four, children are more in-tune with working cohesively with a friend, know how to compromise and have better awareness (and empathy) of other's feelings.

Most often, the start to friendships is nurtured through a parent involvement, demonstrated through your own relationships with your friends. You are showing your children how to communicate with others, share, encourage and qualities to look for in friends.

Guidance from adults will help relationships flourish and have meaning, but can also help kids weed out no-so-good friendships.

Gently steer your children with suggestions of how friends act towards one another, encourage them to be "includers" and not excluders when it comes to larger groups playing together, and also how to respond to peer pressure and bad behavior.

Model the type of friendships you want your children to have; how you speak to people, how they treat you and how they make you feel. Kids are always watching and this is another prime example of the early guidance they lean on you for.

Loyal friendships are built upon teaching your child to be a good friend and the traits necessary to maintain friendships.

COMMON INTERESTS TIE FRIENDS TOGETHER

It may be that kids are on a soccer team together, in the same class, live down the street from one another or are simply the same age.

There is one common thread that links people together, but on top of that, friendships require more depth. Lasting friendships are built upon finding many shared interests and enjoying time spent together doing them!

The commonality between your child and their friend is what will draw them together but finding shared interests like creating science projects, scrapbooking, making up songs and dance routines, playing basketball, creating jewelry or riding bikes will be what keeps them joined at the hip.

Help your children and their friends explore their interests and find things in common they enjoy doing together and help to foster their interest by supporting them and encouraging the extra activity.

Children will have a handful of friends that they have unique shared interests with each individual. Julie and Sarah like to take dance classes and make up their own routines together, but Sarah likes to play with her neighbor Emily and do crafts together.

Friends don't have to fill every box our kids have available to check, some friends will fill a couple, and others will fill different ones.

TRUE FRIENDS OFFER SUPPORT IN GOOD TIMES & BAD

Friends offer support to each other when they are sad, upset, hurt, scared, happy, excited and to celebrate accomplishments.

A good friend will offer their support, encouragement, kindness and of course, be a cheerleader because the person means a lot to them.

When your child's friend is struggling or has had something exciting happen, encourage your child to celebrate their success or help them as much as they can through the tough time.

Help your child see over the green envy monster - jealousy - during any big wins the other friend has had like a team victory, being elected to school council, etc. and show your son or daughter how to be excited for the other person.

If this means that Mom is the person who picks up the phone to dial your child's best friend's Mom just to say "congratulations," then do it.

FRIENDS DON'T GOSSIP

Friendships that stand the test of time are built on loyalty, kindness and honesty, and this means that under no circumstances, should friend talk badly about one another.

It's Ok for them to vent to their parents about something that they're frustrated with or need help to understand, but especially for school-age children when cliques begins to form and peer pressure begins, talking badly about friends is a no-no and will only hurt the other person.

Practice role-playing at home. How would you daughter feel if her best-friend began to make fun of her clothing or the way she talks to the other girls at school? It's hard being on the receiving end of gossip and role-playing is a wonderful empathy builder for children to remember what it "feels like" to be in someone else's shoes.

Also equally important, if your child hears others talking badly about her friend, encourage her to stand up for her friend. Being a good friend means being loyal and sticking up for one another in hard situations.

When your children are learning to choose the right friends, a person that talks badly about another person will not make a good friend. A bad friend might not talk nicely, but also won't listen, isn't considerate of other's feelings and might ignore or make fun of others.

PROMOTE PERSONAL CONNECTIONS

One of the best parts of connecting with another person, is that you are able to share personal feelings, experiences, and even treasured treasures with, without feeling judged.

Always encourage your child to listen with an open heart to what their friend needs to say. Family connections can run deep and Mom or Dad may be the person that your child likes to share with for now, but as they get older, they want to be relatable to their friends and that includes sharing their deepest information.

Young children begin the sharing process with their connections. Hey, we all have to start somewhere! Encourage sharing when they are comfortable with it, but don't force any behavior they are not ready for.

As kids grow and get older, listen and gently guide the conversations you have to personal topics so they understand how to open up and what sort of questions are appropriate to ask to get to know another person.

HELP KIDS CORRECTLY HANDLE DISAGREEMENTS

It's natural for friends to get into occasional disagreements and when they butt heads with one another, just like they do with their parents and especially with siblings, it's important to come together and communicate.

A confident child will be more open to accepting responsibility for their part of the disagreement, be willing to apologize and move forward - all important skills to sing a good friend.

A parent may be needed to gently moderate a conversation about what led to the disagreement and help both kids voice their sides of the issue, before they can find a common resolution that makes everyone happy.

ENCOURAGE INCLUSION AMONG FRIENDS

It's fun to be around new people and join a new group of friends, but don't forget to remind your children that its important to be includers. Make sure they don't leave "old" friends behind when new friends enter the picture.

When your kids make new friends, let them know that discarding old friends is not good standards. There are always going to be the friends who have grown apart and are heading into different directions, but if this isn't the case, encourage inclusions among the new and old friends.

Suggest ways old friends can participate with the new group to help the meshing of groups.

Popularity is a passing dad, and is not usually created with deep bonds between true friends. Having a true friendship will last longer, and be more meaningful than being labeled a "popular girl" for the five-minutes it lasts.

PARENTS: WAYS TO HELP KIDS STRIKE UP FRIENDSHIPS

Point out some of your child's strengths (also a great confidence booster) and see if any of their strengths and interests intersect with another friend.

Practice a simple greeting / introduction for your child to use on the playground, etc.

Create a list of simple games or jokes your kids can share with other kids

What is your child interested in? Consider enrolling them in a new class or sport where they can meet alike children who share these interests.

At school, ask teachers about positive friendships that are forming (or be aware of unhealthy ones which is equally important), and offer to get the kids together outside of school.

Children will always learn the most from their parents. If they observe you surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people who love you, then your children will learn to invest their own energy into friendships like the ones they know.

If you're an introvert like me, then making friends is more out of your comfort zone, but you probably have a couple solid relationships and can talk more to your children about the qualities to look for when they're forming relationships, and the ones to stay away from.

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A Parent's Guide to Divorce is every family's reference for raising healthy, happy children of all ages through divorce at all stages.
Healthy, thriving children have strong family bonds―but that doesn't mean their parents need to stay married. A Parent's Guide to Divorce coaches both high-conflict and cooperating parents alike on how to best address children's needs to become a stronger and closer family than before.

From creating a parenting plan to navigating the post-divorce world, this child-centered reference teaches you what to say and do to guide your children through divorce. With age-specific guidance for toddlers to young adults, A Parent's Guide to Divorce offers proactive solutions to make your child a priority as you successfully transition to co-parenting.

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Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone. James Lehman has some advice for you today on what you can do now to get your child back on track.

Your child might feel as if he's fallen into a hole and doesn't know how to climb back out.

Many kids lose steam by the time the middle of the school year arrives. It's very common for children and teens to get back to school after the holidays and hit a slump. Remember, kids are kids: their attention span is short, they're impulsive and it can be difficult for them to focus. It's easy for children to lose energy, and when that happens, a kind of lethargy can set in.

If your child has a learning disability, or performance or behavior problems, this issue becomes magnified. Your child might feel as if he's fallen into a hole and doesn't know how to climb back out. (That hole can be caused by missed work, not understanding certain concepts at school, or social problems, among other things.) When your child is in that hole, it's easy for him to become demoralized, act out more or withdraw emotionally. Often, he won't ask for help even though he desperately needs it, and soon you'll see his output start to slow down.

Although this can occur with any child, make no mistake, for kids with behavior problems or learning disabilities, this is a very serious challenge to their stability for the rest of the school year. As a parent, it's very important for you to address the problem quickly and get your child back on track before he becomes completely derailed.

By the way, while grades usually go down in a gradual slide, if your child's performance deteriorates suddenly, it's important for you to realize that something major may be happening, whether it's substance abuse, bullying, or an equally serious issue. If your child's grades drop off suddenly, that's a signal to have him assessed by a professional.

My Child's Attitude is Going Downhill-Along with His Grades

You should be very concerned if you notice your child's attitude has changed for the worse along with his falling grades. When a child's attitude becomes bad, you can safely assume certain things may be going on:

There may be a problem he's not talking about.

He may be doing something that he doesn't want anyone to know about.

He may be getting deeper into trouble without help.

Again, kids cannot climb out of that hole on their own-they simply don't know how. In fact, a lot of adults don't either; people get themselves into emotional holes all the time in life. In my opinion, the idea that everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps is misleading. Few indeed are equipped to do that-least of all, kids.

Falling through the Cracks Academically

Sometimes kids fall through the cracks at school because they're having a hard time academically. Suddenly, the work becomes too challenging, and their classmates seem to pull ahead while they're still trying to understand a certain concept. Their attitude may worsen because they really can't do the work. And it's easy to fall through the cracks nowadays-and by the way, those cracks are huge-because of tightening school budgets and other major problems schools are facing.

As a parent, you really need to have a good understanding of what your child is capable of doing. Remember, we want to challenge our kids but we don't want them to simply learn how to give up. If your child truly can't do the work, then your job is to get in there and challenge the teacher and the school to give your child work at his level-or get him placed in the right class. Parents should also be aware of those subjects, like algebra, where if you miss one core concept, you may be in trouble for the rest of the school year.

Try to be as objective as possible. I urge parents to be very, very careful when trying to accurately assess their child's abilities. There's a concept psychologists call learned helplessness, where people learn that if they act helpless, somebody else will do it for them. Above all, we don't want to foster that response in our kids. Truly understanding what your child's level is can be very tricky, which is why I recommend getting some outside help when you do it.

Here are some things I recommend parents do to get their kids back on track when they're sinking under the waves at school:

Get an Assessment

If your child's grades have fallen suddenly, the first thing I'd suggest is to have them assessed by a professional. If a kid's grades go from an "A" to a "D," that usually doesn't happen in isolation. There will be other signs, red flags that will tell you that something's going on. You might notice that your child has stopped doing the sports that he used to love, or that he's hanging around with different friends, for example. Start by taking your child to his pediatrician and getting a recommendation for a professional therapist to rule out substance abuse, depression, clinical anxiety or other factors that may be affecting his performance and outlook.

Helping Your Child Manage His Schoolwork

If you've noticed your child's grades are suffering, it's critical that you put more effort into helping him manage his homework. I know it's not always easy-everyone is tired at the end of the day, and parents work hard and want to relax, too. Sometimes your child will act as if he doesn't want you coming into his room, but check in anyway to see how things are going. Don't assume he understands everything on his own, even if he tells you he's fine.

Kids need structure and supervision, and they need somebody looking in on them who will hold them accountable. If your child's grades start sliding, don't let him do his homework in his room by himself with the door closed and the music on. That's simply got to stop. The door stays open, the music stays off, and you should be looking in on him every fifteen minutes or so. The goal is to keep him on track.

Talk to Your Child's Teachers

Parents should be talking to teachers about the subjects and areas where their child is having problems. Schedule a time to meet and find out what's going on in class. In my experience, teachers can often be very helpful in telling you what they've observed.

Tell the teacher what you see at home, and then ask what they see happening in their classroom. Some questions for you to ask are:

Has participation dropped off?

Is my child sitting with different kids? Who is he hanging out with?

Is my child just tired and bored, or is he overwhelmed by the work?

Have you seen a change in his attitude or performance? And how would you describe that change?

If your child's grades start to fall in one specific subject, find out what extra help is available from the school. He should start to focus more on that subject in the evenings at home. Hold him accountable to do a certain amount of work. And work with his teachers, guidance counselors and the school as much as possible. The better your communication is with them, the more it will help your child.

Ask "What" Questions, Not "Why" Questions When You Talk with Your Child

I think it's a good idea to sit down and have a talk with your child when you realize he's struggling at school. You can say, "I notice that things are going downhill and I'm wondering what's going on." Ask "what" questions, not "why" questions. "Why" questions invite your child to make excuses-to blame someone or something for his problems. "What" questions ask your child to report the facts. So it's not, "Why are you doing poorly at school?" it's, "What's going on?"

You can also tell your child what you've observed: "I see your grades failing, I see you being more irritable. You don't want to get out of bed in the morning. You're getting detention for silly things in school, like talking out of turn. These are the things I'm seeing and I'm wondering what's going on." If your child denies that anything is happening, say, "What are you going to do to improve your grades?" Listen to see if he has any ideas. By the way, you should already have a plan that says, "We're going to be checking on your homework more and we want you putting more time into it."

Make the conversation with your child functional, not emotional. Too many parents get bogged down in emotionality. Kids do better when they keep their feelings out of it. After all, their emotions are volatile: they love you, they hate you; they're happy, they're angry. So you want to keep it on a functional level and ask, "What's getting in the way of you doing your work? What's going on? And how are you going to change it?"

Giving Your Child Rewards for School Performance

I know families who let their kids do their homework in their rooms as long as they get a "B" or above. If their grades slip, they have to do their homework at the dining room table until they bring them up again. For some kids, that means they also have to do an extra hour of homework a night, but then they're allowed to stay up half-an-hour later so they still get some free time. That's part of their reward for doing the work.

When my son was in high school, I would tell him if he got all "A's" and "B's" I'd give him a cool reward. If he didn't get the grades, he wouldn't get anything. We didn't make a big deal out of it, and we didn't punish him if he wasn't able to do it.

Remember, kids need to be rewarded; they need to be motivated. As parents, we're taking and we're giving; we're demanding but we're supporting. It's like a sandwich: on top there's the pressure for your child to perform, and underneath there's support with rewards and extra help.

I also want to say that while rewards are helpful, the absence of rewards is not causing the problem. Rewards don't change behavior: learning problem-solving skills and being held accountable changes behavior. Having a concrete plan and sticking to it changes behavior.

When we talk about grades sliding and kids falling behind at school, it sounds simple but it's a very complex thing-and something that parents struggle with every day all over the country. My wife and I wrestled with this issue as parents, and we both had Masters Degrees in Social Work and worked with kids for a living. My point is that it's natural to wonder, "Are the demands too much for my child? Are they enough for him? Or are we taking it too easy on him?" In my opinion, parents who make it a priority to get involved-and then take steps to help their child-are doing them a huge service.

A final word: Kids are resilient. If you help your child and he's able to get back on track and do the work, in all likelihood he'll bounce back at school. I believe kids have strengths that aren't easily observable unless you know how to look for them. As a parent, you need to find that resiliency, find that strength in your child, and work with it.

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Keep Your Child from Failing in School | Empowering Parents

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Is your child failing in school? Maybe he started out full of enthusiasm, but now his grades are slipping, his attitude is bad and he seems to be falling through the cracks. If your child has hit a slump midway through the school year, you are not alone.

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This guide provides conversation starters for parents to use when teaching their children about poverty.

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NOTE: This post was co-authored with members of the CUESI Lab-Lindsey Nenadal, Ph.D., Katherine Griffin, Ph.D., Taylor Hazelbaker, M.A., and Kristina Brittenham, J.D.
A few years back, while driving around Los Angeles, my then 4-year-old son asked me to read a sign held by a panhandler on a street corner. His immediate response upon hearing what it said- "Can we give him some money to help?"-meant that for some time thereafter, we regularly kept extra dollar bills in the car.

As parents, we are told to read with our children daily and expose them to a variety of print materials. We don't typically think of a panhandler's sign as print exposure-yet panhandlers and homeless encampments are two very visible signs of poverty that children growing up in Los Angeles (and other major cities) encounter daily. For many, it remains the most visible and salient dimension of poverty. Homelessness in LA and elsewhere is plain to see, even for the youngest child.

As adults, we might debate the merits of giving money to panhandlers. As a parent and scholar who studies the consequences of poverty on family life and children's development, I saw this moment as an opportunity to begin conversations about poverty, homelessness, and inequality with my own child. Age 4, as it turns out, is a great time to start having such conversations-and regardless of your own child's age, there is no time better than October to do so.

October 17, 2019 is the United Nations-designated " International Day for the Eradication of Poverty," and the UN has named elimination of poverty by 2030 as one of its 17 Sustainable Development Goals. The numbers are sobering: 10 percent of the world's population (700 million people) live in conditions of extreme poverty, surviving on less than US $1.90 per day. Children are among those at greatest risk for experiencing poverty, both internationally and in the United States. Here, nearly one in five children grow up poor, and economic inequality -the gap between the richest and poorest individuals in a society-is higher than it has been in over 50 years.

The theme of this year's International Day for the Eradication of Poverty, "Acting together to empower children, their families and communities to end poverty," reminds us that while addressing poverty and inequality is a societal and structural issue, how we respond, engage, and act with children, families, and adults in our own communities makes a difference. And research suggests that children are ready and willing to participate.

Adults often assume that children are too young to recognize or understand economic differences in society-yet robust research evidence suggests that children are far from "economically blind." By the time children enter preschool, studies have shown that they are aware of differences between the rich and the poor. By the end of elementary school, their beliefs about wealth and poverty approximate adults' stereotypic beliefs-including that the poor are to blame for their plight.

Children are also more likely to endorse negative traits about low-income peers and to exclude them as compared with wealthy peers. By middle and high school, youth are aware of their own and others' social class position and the status accorded to it. And for those transitioning to college, youth from wealthier backgrounds are more likely to believe they rightfully earned their college admission based on merit, while those from low-income and working class backgrounds struggle with " imposter syndrome" and to fit in socially.

These types of class-based perceptions and experiences, rooted in childhood, have implications for children's sense of self and future orientations, their beliefs and attitudes about those living in poverty, and about individual and collective responsibility to help those in need. The question appears to be not whether children are aware of poverty, but rather, what can we do to support their understanding in developmentally appropriate and engaging ways?

Our own research at UCLA suggests that engaging with children in conversations about meaningful similarities and differences between wealth and poverty is an important step to reducing stereotypic beliefs and nurturing a sense of critical consciousness and civic identity. Children view poverty and inequality as unfair, and when given the opportunity, they seek to correct disparities.

However, parents and educators often feel unprepared or uncomfortable engaging in conversations about social class with children. Fortunately, there are several excellent strategies to help them get started.
Conversation starters:

Don't ignore class, but mind your words. Don't ignore or "shush" your child's observations. Use their curiosity to start a conversation. Ask probing questions to assess their understanding-and misunderstanding. Instead of saying "a homeless/poor person," use phrases like "a person who is homeless" and "people living in poverty." This reinforces that poverty and homelessness do not define a person, but describe their current circumstances. Use terms such as "none, some, most, all" (e.g., "some people who live in poverty don't have a home and some people in poverty do") to combat group stereotypes and reinforce within group heterogeneity.

Encourage concern, compassion, and action instead of pity. Empathy and perspective-taking skills are hallmarks of childhood. Harness these skills to help children connect, understand, and relate to the experiences of a child or family struggling economically, even if their own family is economically secure.

Talk about poverty and homelessness as situational, not individualistic. Adults and children often attribute poverty to individual characteristics (e.g., not working hard, not trying, or not spending money wisely). Discuss structural dimensions of poverty, such as low-wages, housing costs, and discrimination with your child.

Ways to engage in your local community:
Communities typically have organizations to help individuals and families in need that often allow families to volunteer or donate goods. Talk to children before and after engaging in this activity. Use some of the tips shared above (or the resources shared below), and encourage your child to ask questions.

Brainstorm ideas for other ways that they (and others) can help, and talk about different types of structural support (e.g., government benefits) that people may receive. Plan to volunteer regularly, as regular contact and exposure are important for reducing stigma and breaking down stereotypes.
Children's books:

Last Stop on Market Street, by Matt de la Pena

Uncle Willie and the Soup Kitchen, by DyAnne Disalvo-Ryan

A Chair for My Mother, by Vera B. Williams

The Hundred Dresses, by Eleanor Estes

Tight Times, by Barbara Shook Hazen

Those Shoes, by Maribeth Boelts

Maddie's Fridge, by Lois Brandt

Each Kindness, by Jacqueline Woodson

On Our Street (Our First Talk About Poverty), by Dr. Jillian Roberts & Jaime Casap (non-fiction)

Author Bios: Lindsey's research addresses teachers and focuses on the development and implementation of social justice curriculum for elementary school students and teachers' social class beliefs. She is an Assistant Professor of Child Development at California State University, Chico. Katherine is a recent graduate of UCLA and her current research involves a community-based partnership with a local non-profit to address the role of stigmatization in families' experiences of benefit receipt from non-profit and government organizations. Taylor and Kristina are graduate students in the Human Development & Psychology program in the Department of Education at UCLA.

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World Poverty Day: Conversation Starters to Use with Kids

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NOTE: This post was co-authored with members of the CUESI Lab-Lindsey Nenadal, Ph.D., Katherine Griffin, Ph.D., Taylor Hazelbaker, M.A., and Kristina Brittenham, J.D. A few years back, while driving around Los Angeles, my then 4-year-old son asked me to read a sign held by a panhandler on a street corner.

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This interactive guide helps parents talk with their children about PTSD and ways to cope/help others.

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This resource helps parents better understand CD and how to help their child.

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Conduct disorder is a severe condition characterized by hostile and sometimes physically violent behavior and a disregard for others. Children with CD exhibit cruelty, from early pushing, hitting and biting to, later, more than normal teasing and bullying, hurting animals, picking fights, theft, vandalism, and arson. Since childhood and adolescent conduct disorder often develops into the adult antisocial personality disorder, it should be addressed with treatment as early as possible; the earlier treatment starts, the better the outlook.

One of the hallmarks of conduct disorder is a seemingly callous disregard for societal norms and the rights, feelings, and personal space of other people. Children and adolescents with CD seem to "get a rise" out of causing harm. For them, aggression, deceit, coercion-behaviors that result in a power differential-are gratifying. Picking fights, trespassing, lying, cheating, stealing, vandalism, and emotionally or physically abusive behavior, including wielding a deadly weapon or forcing sex, are all signs that an older child may have conduct disorder. Signs of the disorder in younger children may be harder to discern from more normal acting out, but are similarly coercive: relentless bullying, lying for the sake of lying, stealing items of no apparent worth.

Since all kids and adolescents act out from time to time, experts caution that a persistent pattern of this sort of behavior must be in evidence before CD is considered. Professionals also attempt to determine if the behavior is a negative adaptation to a troubled environment, a "learned" behavior, or if the gratification that comes from aggression seems to originate from within.

Children with a parent (biological or adoptive) or a sibling with conduct disorder are more likely to develop the disorder. Kids whose biological parents have ADHD, alcohol use disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia are also at risk. Children who experienced abuse, parental rejection or neglect, and harsh or inconsistent parenting are more at risk, as are those exposed to neighborhood violence, peer rejection, and peer delinquency.

A child is diagnosed with CD if he exhibits a callous disregard for others and a sustained pattern of behaviors that fit into these general categories: aggression against people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness and theft, and serious violations of rules. A professional will talk with parents, teachers and other adults involved in his life to rule out other possible causes.

Conduct disorder is difficult to overcome, but it is not hopeless. In situations where an effective support network of parental figures, teachers, and peers can be assembled, the disorder is manageable.

Psychotherapy: Treatment for conduct disorder is complicated by the negative attitudes the disorder instills. As such, psychotherapy and behavioral therapy are often undertaken for long periods of time, and the entire family and support network of the child is brought into the loop. The earlier the condition is diagnosed, the more successful the therapy will be. While a child learns a better way to interact with the world at large, the family learns the best ways to communicate with him.

In younger children, treatment for CD can resemble treatment for ODD-parent management training may be undertaken by a therapist to teach parents how to encourage desired behaviors. In adolescents, therapy may target not just the home life but interactions with authority figures at school, and ensuring that peer relations are beneficial, not harmful.

Since conduct disorder is often (but not always) diagnosed along with a number of other conditions that can be treated pharmacologically, medication may figure into treatment plans for the disorder.

ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder occur with frequency in children with conduct disorder. Other disorders that may occur with CD include specific learning disorder, anxiety disorders, depressive or bipolar disorders, and substance use disorders.

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Conduct disorder is a severe condition characterized by hostile and sometimes physically violent behavior and a disregard for others. Children with CD exhibit cruelty, from early pushing, hitting and biting to, later, more than normal teasing and bullying, hurting animals, picking fights, theft, vandalism, and arson.

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This book is a great tool for parents when raising a child with ODD. It offers support and advice for parents.

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the defiant child: a parent's guide to oppositional defiant disorder

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oppositional defiant disorder in adolescence

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oppositional defiant disorder in adolescence;popular works.

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oppositional defiant disorder in children -

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oppositional defiant disorder in children;popular works.

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family & relationships / children with special needs

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family & relationships / parenting / general

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family & relationships/children with special needs

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family & relationships/parenting - general

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family & relationships: parenting / general

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oppositional defiant disorder in adolescence

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oppositional defiant disorder in adolescence - popular works

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oppositional defiant disorder in adolescence;popular works.

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oppositional defiant disorder in children

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oppositional defiant disorder in children -

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oppositional defiant disorder in children - popular works

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oppositional defiant disorder in children;popular works.

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family & relationships / children with special needs

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family & relationships / parenting / general

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family & relationships/children with special needs

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family & relationships/parenting - general

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family & relationships: parenting / general

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oppositional defiant disorder in children

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The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder

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The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder [Riley, Douglas A.] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder

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This resource helps parents find the various other resources needed to help their child with depression.

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The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health is dedicated to enriching the lives of children and their families who are 0 to 15 years old experiencing mental health challenges by providing a wide range of client-centered, family-focused services. Our goals are to:

Provide quality, strength based mental health services to children

Help children achieve success at school and in the community

Strengthen and empower family relationships by fostering hope, wellness and resiliency

Children and families may access mental health services through a network of County-operated and contracted agencies providing services in the Antelope Valley, San Fernando Valley, San Gabriel Valley, Metro Los Angeles, West Los Angeles, Central Los Angeles, Southeast Los Angeles and Long Beach/South Bay areas.
Children's programs include:

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Children's System of Care - Department of Mental Health

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The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health is dedicated to enriching the lives of children and their families who are 0 to 15 years old experiencing mental health challenges by providing a wide range of client-centered, family-focused services.

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This guide helps parents and children understand OCD and how to cope with it.

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Children with OCD have intrusive thoughts and worries that make them extremely anxious, and they develop rituals they feel compelled to perform to keep those anxieties at bay. This guide explains the often confusing behaviors that can be associated with OCD, and the treatments most effective for hel…

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This resource helps parents understand ADHD and how to help their children understand it as well.

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What Is ADHD?

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, is a condition that makes it unusually difficult for children to concentrate, to pay attention, to sit still, to follow directions, and to control impulsive behavior. While all young children are at times distractible, restless, and oblivious to parents' and teachers' instructions, kids with ADHD behave this way much more often than other children their age. And their inability to settle down, focus, and follow through on tasks in age-appropriate ways makes it very hard for them to do what's expected of them at school. It can also lead to conflict at home and difficulty getting along with peers.

ADHD Symptoms

Symptoms of ADHD are divided into two groups: inattentive behaviors and hyperactive and impulsive behaviors.

Inattentive symptoms of ADHD:

Makes careless mistakes

Is easily distracted

Doesn't seem to be listening when spoken to directly

Has difficulty following instructions

Has trouble organizing

Avoids or dislikes sustained effort

Is forgetful, always losing things

Hyperactive or impulsive symptoms of ADHD:

Fidgeting or squirming, trouble staying in one place or waiting his turn

Excessive running and climbing

Trouble playing quietly

Extreme impatience

Always seems to be "on the go" or "driven by a motor"

Excessive talking or interrupting, blurting out answers

Some children exhibit only the first group ADHD of symptoms, and some exhibit only the latter. But the majority of those with an ADHD diagnosis have a combination of both, which can make it very difficult for them to function in school, and in other activities, and can create a lot of conflict at home.

How Are ADD and ADHD Different?

ADD, or attention-deficit disorder, is an older term for the disorder we now call ADHD, or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder. It was called ADD up until 1987, when the word "hyperactivity" was added. Some people still use the old term, ADD, out of habit, or because it's a more familiar term than ADHD. Some use it to refer to kids with ADHD who aren't hyperactive.

Can a Child Who's Not Hyperactive Have ADHD?

Yes. Kids who have trouble focusing but are not unusually restless or impulsive have a more inattentive type ADHD. They tend to be diagnosed later because they are less prone to disruptive or problematic behavior that comes to the attention of teachers and parents. But kids who have inattentive symptoms may start to struggle in the middle of elementary school, when it becomes increasingly difficult for them to keep up.

Why Can Kids With ADHD Concentrate on Some Things? What Is ADHD Hyperfocus?

While ADHD is called an attention deficit disorder, experts say what's really disordered is the child's ability to control and direct what he's paying attention to. So many kids with ADHD are perfectly capable of intense focus on things that are very exciting to them, like video games, but they can't maintain that kind of focus on things that aren't immediately rewarding, like schoolwork or putting on their shoes or going to bed.

That intense concentration, sometimes called hyperfocus, is also the reason kids with ADHD often get upset when asked to stop doing something they are engaged in, like a favorite activity at school or playing a video game. They have what experts call an inability to "attention switch," which can cause a lot of conflicts with adults.

And speaking of video games: Because they are constantly stimulating and rewarding, experts say they can induce a kind of trance state in a child who has trouble regulating her attention. In that case, it's less a matter of hyperfocus than what one calls "screen suck."

What Is Executive Functioning?

Executive functions are the self-regulating skills that we all use to accomplish tasks, from getting dressed to doing homework. They include:

Planning

Organizing time and materials

Making decisions

Shifting from one situation to another

Controlling emotions

Learning from past mistakes

Most kids with ADHD have deficits in some executive functions, though not all children with executive function issues have ADHD.

Does ADHD Affect Kids Outside of School?

Yes. Their inattention and impulsivity also affects their friendships, extra-curricular activities, and family life. They may have trouble making and keeping friends because they interrupt constantly, and are prone to blowing up when they don't get their way. It's not uncommon for children with severe ADHD to be blackballed from playdates because they can't be counted on to behave. Kids with ADHD may have trouble playing on teams because they find it hard to focus and follow the rules.

At home, they may find themselves on a collision course with parents and siblings because they don't follow instruction, are impulsive, and melt down when they are asked to transition from some activity they enjoy to mealtime, homework time, or bedtime.

By the time kids with ADHD reach adolescence, their impulsivity can be dangerous, making them prone to car accidents, unsafe sex, and other risky behaviors.

Why Are Kids With ADHD Often Defiant or Demonstrate Disruptive Behavior?

Defiance and emotional outbursts are very common in kids with ADHD, though they are not, themselves, symptoms of ADHD.

Kids who have ADHD tend to become defiant when they are expected to do things that are hard for them, especially when it means stopping something that's pleasurable-like playing a video game. So things like homework, going to bed, getting dressed, and coming to dinner can become battlegrounds. These situations are difficult for them to tolerate because of inherit deficits in paying attention, tolerating a boring situation, reining in impulses, transitioning from a fun activity, and controlling their activity level. Since these situations are really challenging for them, they may try to avoid them. Unfortunately when it comes to ADHD parenting, the avoidance strategies that these kids typically use are disruptive behavior, tantrums, arguing, defiance, and power struggles.

Can You Grow Out of ADHD?

ADHD symptoms change as children get older, and it's estimated that about a third of children who are diagnosed with the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder will no longer meet the criteria by the time they reach young adulthood.

In general, hyperactivity declines as kids move through elementary school, and inattention becomes the primary problem for them as the schoolwork they are expected to do becomes more demanding and their parents and teachers are not so closely supervising their activities. In adolescence, impulsivity also becomes a big concern, as it leads to car accidents, unsafe sex, and other risky behavior.

Children who are most likely to have ADHD that continues into adulthood are those whose symptoms are very severe in childhood, and those who also have another psychiatric disorder, like depression or anxiety.

ADHD Diagnosis

When is ADHD diagnosed?
Because the symptoms of ADHD can also be the result of other issues, such as anxiety, depression, or trauma, a professional diagnosing your child should carefully rule out other possible reasons for his behavior.

A child should receive an ADHD diagnosis only if he exhibits a variety of inattentive or impulsive behaviors

At a level that is abnormal for children his age

Over an extended period

In more than one setting-both at home and at school, for instance.
These behaviors must also be interfering significantly with schoolwork or social interaction.

How is an ADHD diagnosis done?
To make an accurate diagnosis, a clinician should collect information from several people who have observed your child, including you, other caregivers, and teachers.

Parents and teachers should be asked to fill out a rating scale, such as the SNAP, the Child Behavior Checklist, or Connor's Checklist, to capture an accurate assessment of the frequency of symptoms over a period of time. A child may be given a test called a Continuous Performance Test, which rates her ability to complete a repetitive task over a period of time and can give a more complex picture of her ADHD symptoms.

A child should not be diagnosed with ADHD just based on a parent's or teacher's report that she is overly active or distracted.

Who can diagnose ADHD?
ADHD can be diagnosed by any doctor or mental health professional, including:

Pediatricians

Psychiatrists

Clinical psychologists

Social workers

School psychologists

But in the majority of cases, only medical doctors like psychiatrists can prescribe medication to treat it. (Some states allow psychologists to prescribe, and nurse practitioners and physician's assistants often can, as well.) The overwhelming majority of ADHD diagnoses are made by pediatricians, though parents should be aware that many pediatricians don't have advanced training in psychiatric disorders, and an ADHD diagnosis should not be made in a quick office visit, based solely on a report that a child is having trouble concentrating in school. Inattention can be caused by other things, and giving a child ADHD medication won't address his problems if he doesn't have ADHD.

ADHD Medication Treatment

What is the most effective ADHD treatment?
Research shows that a combined approach of medication and behavioral therapy is the most effective treatment.

For moderate to severe cases of ADHD the first line of treatment is usually medication. ADHD medications called psychostimulants, which increase the amount of certain chemicals in the brain, help children focus and curb impulsivity and hyperactivity.

Behavioral therapies help kids rein in impulsive behavior and be better organized.

What are the kinds of stimulant medications for ADHD?
If a child has ADHD, studies show there's an over 80% chance that he will respond to stimulant medication with a significant reduction in symptoms.
There are two main classes of stimulant medications:

Methylphenidate-based medications
Ritalin, Methylin, Concerta, Metadate, Daytrana Patch

Dextroamphetamine-based medications
Adderall, Vyvanse, Dexedrine

Of the children who respond to stimulants, half will respond equally well to both groups of medications, and the other half will respond better to one or the other. There are many different release formulas for stimulant medications, which make them effective for different periods of time.

Immediate-release formulas
are effective for about 4 hours

Extended-release formulas
last as long as 14 hours.

Within the extended-release group, medications vary in the doses they deliver morning and afternoon. Some deliver 50 percent in the first half of the day and 50 percent in the second; others deliver just 30 percent in the first half and 70 percent in the second.

Finding the right dose
Since different children metabolize medication in different ways, the goal is to find the formula that delivers an effective dose over a desirable period of time for your child. Getting the right dosage for a particular child takes several weeks of trial. The clinician normally increases the dosage gradually until it becomes effective. If your child experiences undesirable side effects, it may mean that the dosage is too high, or the medication isn't right for her.

It's important to note that some children respond differently to the two different stimulants used in these medications-methylphenidate and dextroamphetamine. Changing from one to the other, or even to a different release formula of the same basic medicine, can help reduce or eliminate side effects.

Once an effective dosage is established, your child should be monitored periodically to make sure it's still meeting her needs as she grows.

Side effects of stimulant medications
Stimulant medications can be very effective in reducing symptoms of ADHD, but some kids do experience adverse side effects. They include:

Sleep issues
If medication is interfering with a child's sleep, it's because the medication is still active at bedtime.
If he's taking a short-acting formula, it may mean that he is taking a second or third dose too late in the day. If he's taking medication that lasts 12 or 14 hours, it may help to try one that's not quite as long-acting. Sleep issues caused by the medication tend to get better over time, so it's worth giving kids four to six weeks to see if they adjust. Trouble going to sleep may also be caused by kids being too stimulated at bedtime.

Are there non-stimulant medications for ADHD?
There are two types of medications that aren't stimulants that can help alleviate symptoms of ADHD. They are useful for kids who don't respond to stimulant medica-tions, or who experience adverse side effects from them.

Atomoxetine (sold as Strattera) is in a class of drugs called norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors.
Norepinephrine is a natural substance in the brain that is needed to control behavior.

Clonidine (Catapres, Nexicon) and guanfacine (Tenex) are called alpha-adrenergic agonists.
These medications were developed to lower high blood pressure, but at the doses given to kids for ADHD they rarely affect blood pressure.Both clonidine and guanfacine come in a 24-hour-release version (Kapvay and Intuniv), and they are sometimes used to treat tics.

Finally, omega fatty acids can also be helpful for ADHD, though not as helpful as stimulants or these other medications.

Should children stop taking ADHD medication during holidays and the summer?
Since children with ADHD don't need to perform academically during the summer or on extended holidays, parents sometimes seize the opportunity to take kids off their regular medication regimen, especially if they are experiencing side effects. Other parents avoid an interruption, fearing that their children's behavioral problems will rebound.

One reason to stay with treatment year-round is that ADHD doesn't only affect a child's performance in school. During the summer, children still have to get along with family and friends and function effectively in group activities like sports and camp.

However, if you are concerned that taking a stimulant medication may be slowing your child's growth, a summer break can allow him to catch up. And if you are concerned that he is underweight due to suppressed appetite, a summer without medication can help him put on some pounds.
For more on the pros and cons of a drug holiday, click here.

Behavioral Treatment for ADHD

What are the behavioral treatments for ADHD?
Behavior therapies do not eliminate the core symptoms of ADHD, but they can be very helpful in teaching children to manage them better. For example, children who have trouble finishing things and staying organized can learn techniques for completing tasks, keeping track of assignments, and getting their schoolwork done.

There's also a kind of behavior therapy for ADHD called parent training that can help reduce behavior problems that stem from ADHD in children. Parent-child interaction therapy and other forms of parent training teach parents how to work with their kids to cultivate good behaviors while minimizing impulsive or inattentive ones. Stimulated by more positive reinforcement, kids who have been out of control can learn to rein in their behavior and enjoy more rewarding relationships with parents and teachers.

As children get older, they often begin working more one-on-one with clinicians to strengthen their organizational skills and develop effective behavioral plans.

When a child is old enough, cognitive behavioral therapy can help teach her to control her behaviors by understanding how her thoughts and feelings influence them.
For more on behavioral therapy for kids with ADHD click here.
What can we do to help kids strengthen executive functions?
To bolster kids with weak skills in these areas, learning specialists teach a mix of specific strategies and alternative learning styles that complement or enhance a child's particular abilities.

With elementary school children, the educational specialist usually works with parents and kids together, to establish routines and tools to use to get work done successfully and with minimal conflict. For instance:

Checklists can be useful for anything from getting out of the house on time in the morning to doing homework after school to the bedtime routine. Since the steps necessary for completing a task often aren't obvious to kids with ADHD, defining them clearly ahead of time, and posting them prominently, makes a task less daunting and more achievable.
For more information on adolescents with ADHD, click here.
Assigning a time limit for each step, particularly if it is a bigger, longer-term project, helps kids manage their time and avoid underestimating how long it will take to do something.

Using a planner is essential for kids with ADHD who struggle to remember things like homework assignments.

A rewards chart at home, as well as at school, can help motivate kids who are easily distracted and struggle to acquire new skills.

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Parents Guide to ADHD in Children | Child Mind Institute

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Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, is a condition that makes it unusually difficult for children to concentrate, to pay attention, to sit still, to follow directions, and to control impulsive behavior. While all young children are at times distractible, restless, and oblivious to parents' and teachers' instructions, kids with ADHD behave this way much more often than other children their age.

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This guide helps parents understand how to work with their child when they are feeling anxious.

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When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster's anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.

None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn't to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It's to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they're anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let's say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry - not to be manipulative, but just because that's how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there, or remove the thing they're afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.

You can't promise a child that their fears are unrealistic-that they won't fail a test, that they'll have fun ice skating, or that another child won't laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they're going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you're not going to ask them to do something they can't handle.

It's important to understand that validation doesn't always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they're due for a shot, you don't want to belittle those fears, but you also don't want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they're anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, "I know you're scared, and that's okay, and I'm here, and I'm going to help you get through this."

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions- "Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?" To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: "How are you feeling about the science fair?"

What you don't want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: "Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of." Let's say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they're around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.

Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It's really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the "habituation curve." That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that's how we get over our fears.

When we're afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor's appointment, you don't want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that's likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.

Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child's fear came true-how would they handle it? A child who's anxious about separating from their parents might worry about what would happen if a parent didn't come to pick them up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn't come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? "Well I would tell the coach my mom's not here." And what do you think the coach would do? "Well he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me." A child who's afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick them up can have a code word from their parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they're going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can't handle the stress or the anxiety. I'm not saying to pretend that you don't have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.

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What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious - Child Mind Institute

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How to help a child with anxiety? We bring expert parenting advice on assisting children to escape the cycle of anxiety. Learn what to do and not to do, anxiety treatments, and behavioral modification techniques.