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Back to my Breastfeeding Information Homepage

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What Men can do to support Breastfeeding

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What Men can do to support Breastfeeding

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Dads, family members, friends, colleagues...all can play a part.

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Why is there still this stigma attached to mothers who breastfeed in public? Where does this disapproval come from?

It's worth remembering that many mums breastfeed in public with no problems at all, never receiving any negative comments or even a raised eyebrow. But we know new mums worry about it and a minority do experience problems.

We live in a society where breasts are primarily sexual. Breasts are perceived as being about attraction and when our breastfeeding rates are so low, breastfeeding isn't always seen as 'normal'. Some imagine a new mother is being provocative and sometimes the fear of potentially seeing a breast is more the worry than the reality. Breastfeeding rarely shows anything, but people fear otherwise.

Many people in the UK didn't get to breastfeed for as long as they wanted to. Or they may have lived at a time when breastfeeding wasn't promoted and bottlefeeding was seen as the way forward. When they see a mum breastfeeding in public that can sometimes bring up feelings which cause them to subconsciously behave strangely. It certainly isn't just men who have problems with breastfeeding in public. When we hear of the rare cases of people making comments, it can often be a woman.

It's also about new motherhood generally too. The public often rolls its eyes at a new baby being restless in public or a new baby in a public space. We often forget that babies are little people who are allowed to be part of family life, feel emotions and eat when they're out and about.

And for the record, what are the benefits of breastfeeding for mum, baby and dads too?

How long have you got? The benefits for baby are immense and lifelong. We are learning more every day about the constituents of breastmilk and the amazing things they can do. In the short term, the baby that is breastfed is less likely to experience colic and gastroenteritis and be re-hospitalised in the first year of life. They are less likely to have infections and allergies. The Lullaby Trust also explains how breastfeeding reduces your baby's risk of cot death. Even if a baby only receives some breast milk, they will receive antibodies tailor-made by that by their mother to help protect against infections in the environment. Breastmilk contains stem cells. It contains something called alpha lactalalbumin which is a protein that kills cancer cells. This is perhaps one of the reasons that breastfeeding is connected to reduced risk of childhood cancer.

For the mother, it protects against breast and uterine cancer and osteoporosis. There is also evidence that suggests it protects against diabetes for both mother and baby. It also has a protective effect against developing postnatal depression. You can read more about the research around breastfeeding on the UNICEF Baby Friendly website.

For the dad, it means a baby that's less likely to get unwell, a partner that receives protection, less faff when travelling, loved ones who can stay in bed at night, less cost, less impact on the environment.

Breastfeeding is much more than a medicine and some food. It's also nature's way of creating a secure trusting comforted baby with bonds to its parents, protected against the world when its immune system is just getting started. It's true that not every mother can breastfeed exclusively. And when someone can't breastfeed, there are ways to bottlefeed in a way that are as responsive as possible. But for the vast majority, breastfeeding works out with access to the right support, both in terms of breastfeeding expertise and particularly in terms of support at home.

Read more from Emma about supporting breastfeeding here.

Visit the Association of Breastfeeding Mother.

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How can men support breastfeeding? | The Book of Man

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Why is there still this stigma attached to mothers who breastfeed in public? Where does this disapproval come from? It's worth remembering that many mums breastfeed in public with no problems at all, never receiving any negative comments or even a raised eyebrow.

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Good ideas for friends, family and the wider community

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School of Health & Social Care, Swansea University

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How you can Help Support a Breastfeeding Mum...

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Dealing with pressure from those closest to you

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Dealing with pressure from those closest to you

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By Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC

Introduction

Unfortunately, many parents end up having to deal with criticism about their choice to breastfeed at one point or another. Criticism from strangers happens occasionally, but tends to be easier to deal with since you're unlikely to see those people again. Criticism from family members and others close to you can be much harder to handle.

Sometimes the people close to you - particularly your parents - feel that when you make parenting choices that are different from their own, it is a personal attack on their own parenting choices. They may truly feel that accepting your parenting choices is the same thing as admitting that their own parenting choices were wrong. It may be helpful to make it clear that your choices are not a judgment on their parenting, but a result of having different information available that you are using to make choices for your own unique child and family.

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Always keep in mind that family members and close friends who make negative comments about breastfeeding generally do so because they care for you and your child, even if their comments are uninformed or inappropriate.

Although this information is aimed at responding to criticism about breastfeeding, it can be applied to other parenting decisions as well.

Techniques for responding to criticism

Educate

Many people simply aren't aware that there are continuing benefits of breastfeeding for you and your child. They do not know that there is a huge amount of research data that supports sustained breastfeeding- particularly regarding the health benefits. State the scientific facts about why breastfeeding is beneficial. Print off some written material and leave it around your house -the bathroom is always a good place! Gently ask the person who is criticizing you to read through it-not for the sake of argument, but for the sake of considering what is beneficial for your child.

Here are links to general facts and information on the benefits of nursing past the age of 12 months.

Respond to specific concerns

Try to find out exactly why they feel nursing is a problem - this way you can respond to specific concerns and correct any misinformation. Do they think that there are no benefits to baby? Are they worried what others will think? Have they read the research? Have they met other families with children who were breastfed for an extended time?

Let them know how their comments make you feel

It may be helpful to have a heart-to-heart talk with someone who has too many negative things to say about breastfeeding. This unsupportive person may need to hear you say how these comments hurt you and your child (particularly if your child is older), and that you need them to stop. Children often understand a lot more than you realize, and negative comments and actions can be confusing and upsetting to them. Your words may get through, or at least prevent this person from criticizing breastfeeding in your or your child's presence.

Quote an authority

Some people who will not listen to you will listen to a doctor or other professional. Say that your child's doctor recommends continued nursing. If your doctor is firmly pro-breastfeeding, take the unsupportive person with you to a doctor appointment so they can hear it for themselves. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that "breastfeeding continue for at least 12 months, and thereafter for as long as mutually desired." The World Health Organization recommends that babies be breastfed for at least two years.

Here are links to statements from authorities on the importance of breastfeeding.

Laugh it off

Some have found humor to be an effective way to hush others. You might come back with something like, "Don't worry. I don't think I'll have to room with her when she moves into the dorm at college!"

Avoid the issue

Another way to handle criticism is to do your best to avoid the issue. If the subject of breastfeeding comes up, politely change the subject. Try to go into a different room to nurse to avoid or minimize any direct comments to your child.

Make the subject completely off-bounds

Some parents (particularly when others are very opposed to continued breastfeeding) find it most effective to refuse to argue or discuss the matter at all. It's sometimes necessary to be nice but firm: "This is my child and my parenting choice and I will not discuss it anymore." If they DO bring the subject up, answer with the exact same phrase every time (for example, "This is what works for our family") until they realize that the matter is not up for discussion. If that doesn't work, then leave.

What if nothing is working?

When you are willing to debate the matter, some people will feel that they have a good chance of convincing you that you are wrong-and thus will continue with their objections ad infinitum. Sometimes a person is not really interested in hearing your reasons, but only wants to keep "wearing you down" until you do things their way. If it's just an emotional response that they are having, and they can't give any reason for it (or keep giving 'bad' reasons one after another as soon as you answer, without any intention of stopping or listening to you), then you might be better off with doing things like using humor, avoiding the issue or making the subject off-bounds.

Express confidence in your decision while being as diplomatic as possible (depending upon who you're talking to). Once they realize that there is no chance of dissuading you, then they may give up the argument, or at least tone it down. Repeat the same statement every time the issue comes up. Eventually it will get through.

"In some cultures it is considered a child's birthright to be nursed until the age of two. It is believed all your sins are forgiven when you nurse your baby, and an angel stands behind you and pats you on the back when you are done. I like to think of an angel standing behind me every time I nurse. It is a very comforting thought when things aren't going well. If you can't get support from your family, at least the angels are behind you." - Diane

Responses to criticism that other parents have used

"That's interesting. What makes you think that?"

"I'm parenting the way that feels right to me."

"I respect your opinion and value your advice, but I have thought this out carefully and done a lot of research, and my mind is made up. I will be happy to respect your opinion and listen to what you have to say, but you have to respect my decision-and it is MY decision."

"As the parent of this baby, and because of all I've learned about the importance of breastfeeding, in my heart of hearts this is what I want - and need - to do for my child right now. If you love us both, you need to support me in this decision."

"You know how the medical community is always changing their recommendations. Well, this is what they recommend now-this is the best I have to go on, and I feel good about breastfeeding."

"We're working on weaning now." [Once solids are introduced, you're technically in the process of weaningthough it may take a few years.]

"This is what works for our family. Unless it becomes a problem, we're not going to change things." [Case closed- -save the arguments for someone who is truly interested in listening to them.]

"Why would I want to replace nursing with something that costs money and is nutritionally and immunologically inferior?" [This one is not exactly tactful, so consider who you're talking to before you use it.]

Responses to your parents:

"Now that I've become a parent, I have a new appreciation for what you went through for me, and I'm so thankful to be able to come to you for advice. It especially helps to know that you're going to support me in my decision to breastfeed, because that means so much to me."

"It's not that I resent you for not breastfeeding me - I don't. You made the decision that was right for you and your baby (me). I am making the decision that is right for us."

The "sandwich" technique sometimes works:

Say something complimentary first: "I'm so glad you are here to be with my children; Having a loving grandma like you is so important; You are such a wonderful grandma, just like I knew you would be."

Then make the point you are trying to make: "It really upsets me when you criticize my choice and my pediatrician's recommendation to breastfeed to the degree that I feel I might start to avoid visiting with you."

Then say something nice again: "That would make me sad because I know you love the children and I want them to have you in their life because you are so special."

Further information

@

@ other websites

Responses & comebacks

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Handling criticism about breastfeeding * KellyMom.com

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Unfortunately, many mothers end up having to deal with criticism about their choice to breastfeed at one point or another. Criticism from strangers happens occasionally, but tends to be easier to deal with since you're unlikely to see those people again. Criticism from family members and others close to you can be much harder to handle.

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One mum recounts where she found the best support on her breastfeeding journey

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This doesn't mean it was easy. I mean, for the first week my nipples felt like they were on fire; just for that first second she latched on, each feed. They'd never experienced so much wear and tear! But it was only those first few seconds and it passed within a week.

There were other barriers to my breastfeeding; for example, she was a breech baby and I had to have a caesarean, which rendered me pretty immobile to start with. We had been preparing for a pain-relief free hypno birth and I managed to go through the whole thing honouring those wishes, but in the final stages of delivery my contractions weren't budging that soft little bottom, so after hours of pushing we decided to go for the c-section. All that pushing, all those hormones had successfully told her she was about to be born, though, and she started breathing all by herself; meaning we could also have our wish to delay clamping and cutting the umbilical cord. Great! But now I couldn't move and I had our precious baby to look after.

This is where my second breastfeeding friend came in. We don't live with any family nearby so for the first few weeks my husband was my go-to saviour. He'd leap out of bed at all hours of the night to give me our baby for a feed. He'd pass me her during the day when I couldn't easily mobilise myself to get to the Moses basket. He cooked meals and kept the cycle of washing going. It wasn't easy or glamorous and you can feel like you're a passenger on a tour of CrazyTown, but those cuddles, those hours of time forced upon you to stare at this little thing, to fill your senses and feel her flesh on yours; yum.

After a while it all settled into a routine. The days turned into weeks and those, in turn, became months. My husband returned to his usual work duties and I found myself more alone dealing with things. I didn't know about wonder weeks, cluster feeding, teething, the first colds. Each brought its own breastfeeding challenges which mainly boiled down to my bubba requiring as much time as possible snuggled up on the boob. In these moments I was grateful for my third breastfeeding friend; new Facebook friends. The virtual mummies I'd met fleetingly at antenatal and postpartum groups. We'd exchanged details over our swollen bellies and car seat carriers and tucked them away with NO IDEA how handy they'd become! At all hours of the day and night we'd send out or receive our distress calls, knowing only us other newborn mummies were likely awake, as the rest of the country slept.

It's been 16 months now and I've no intention of giving up yet. If the World Health Organisation recommends a MINIMUM of two years then who am I to argue? As long as my baby feels she can get comfort and nutrition from it, for as long as I feel at ease doing it, then this is us. We love it.

Would I have been able to do this without the support of my breastfeeding friends? Who knows. Would I have enjoyed it even half as much without them? Never.

Find a friend, be a friend x

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Celebrating and normalising breastfeeding - Baby Friendly Initiative

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This doesn't mean it was easy. I mean, for the first week my nipples felt like they were on fire; just for that first second she latched on, each feed. They'd never experienced so much wear and tear! But it was only those first few seconds and it passed within a week.

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A great way to deal with visitors....without having to deal with visitors.

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More ideas on positive ways to deal with visitors...and a link to another article about making the most your babymoon.

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For my last 2 babies, my midwife had a piece of paper she taped to my front door before she left after the birth. Announcing to visitors that there was a new baby in the house, it shared birth facts such as weight, length, name, date, etc. That part was nice but what I really loved was the part about what visitors could do. Informing them that a new baby means help is needed and that their visit should be brief, this little piece of paper taped to my front door encouraged those that loved us and wanted to celebrate with us to keep their voices low, limit their time, understand if we needed to be alone, and give them ideas of how to help such as offering to do the dishes, sweep a floor, run the vacuum, or take the bigger kids to the park. In short, it helped our visitors figure out how to be the best kind of visitors and I discovered that I didn't mind having people stop by as much as I did with my older kids simply because they helped more and were more understanding of our needs. Knowing they already saw a notice of sorts on the front door before they came in made it easier for me to respect my own boundaries, excusing myself to rest or not feeling awkward about them asking if they could help with something around the house.

There are far too many expectations on families when they have a new baby. Respecting the postpartum recovery and the important bonding that needs to happen with the new family member sets up families to continue on well for the long haul. If you're breastfeeding, this time is crucial to establishing your breastfeeding relationship and focusing on that will have a long term pay off. Pushing for too much too soon, other people interfering with the bonding, can leave moms feeling burnt out and unwell months, maybe even years later. Having true support and help to take the time to really heal leads to endurance in the parenting journey. That, and knowing we're not alone along the way.

So my gift to you is my version of this life-saving piece of paper. Ask your care provider to sign it complete with the appropriate initials behind their name then stick it on your front door when your little one arrives and leave it there for at least 6 weeks (8 if you birth via c-section). Be a good friend and print it off to give others that are expecting for them to put on their front door. Don't hesitate to point out the note, referring to it by asking if they saw how much baby weighed or how long she was and if they didn't notice, encourage them to go check out the info posted on the front door. It can be hard to ask for help yet not allowing others to help ends up creating isolation and robbing others of the joy of offering support and encouragement by helping. This little bit of guidance can help not only the new mom and family but the friends and family that want to offer quality support but just aren't sure what is needed. Take the guess work out of the picture and everyone wins.

new baby help sign for front door

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Help them help you- new baby sign with ways for visitors to help

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For my last 2 babies, my midwife had a piece of paper she taped to my front door before she left after the birth. Announcing to visitors that there was a new baby in the house, it shared birth facts such as weight, length, name, date, etc.

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How to Make the Most of Postpartum Visitors....

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How to Make the Most of Postpartum Visitors....

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How to Make the Most of Postpartum Visitors without Feeling Like a Jerk (plus Free Printables!)

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Ever wish that visitors knew how to help? You know you could use the help! With this handy guide and awesome free printables, you'll be able to set your visitors up for success so you can sit back & relax while your loved ones get all the things done.

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An option for lesbian, adoptive and surrogate parents. This is one couple's story.

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One lesbian couple explains why having both mothers breast-feed was a positive way to start their parenting journey.
Jane*, 30 and Sarah*, 34, have just finished weaning their daughter Lily*, now 8 months old. As a lesbian couple who wanted to be equal parents from the start they both breast-fed Lily from birth.

When Sarah was pregnant they heard about the concept and popularity of induced lactation with lesbian couples in Sweden. With both mothers breast-feeding, they share the task of meeting the demands of a newborn and can both start bonding with the baby from early on. The couple decided to give it a try. Sarah planned two months off work after the birth, combining paternity leave with annual leave - making it logistically possible.

A woman who has not carried a child can create a milk supply as long as she has working mammary glands. Induced lactation is more common in the USA but is known about in the UK in the context of adoption (breast-feeding can help adopted babies and young children who have attachment issues), re-lactation (when a woman is forced to stop breast-feeding due to illness or other unforeseen interruptions), surrogacy (when a mother who has used a surrogate to carry her child wants to breast-feed) and wet nursing. However now lesbian communities are hearing about it, and some are attempting it.

Jane found The Newman-Goldfarb Protocol online - an American method used to induce lactation. It is possible to induce a milk supply simply using a breast pump but it's not easy to achieve a decent supply without the assistance of drugs. Jane's best chance of success was to go on the combination pill, providing the oestrogen and progesterone needed to build breast tissue. A month later she would come off the pill and go onto domperidone, an anti-emetic (anti-sickness) drug which has a side effect of increasing lactation, then start breast-pumping regularly with an electric breast pump. Timing this to just before Sarah was due to give birth, Jane planned to put their baby Lily onto her breast at three days old (allowing Sarah's primary milk supply to come in first), stimulating milk flow and building her supply. Jane ran the Protocol past her GP who prescribed the pill and verified that it was safe to take domperidone whilst breast-feeding, and she started the process six weeks before their due date. "I was pumping for about 20 minutes, four or five times a day. It seemed like nothing was happening. It was quite dispiriting but then, after a week, a drop of milk appeared!" Slowly her supply increased, and after about a month Jane was producing about 25mls from each breast each time she pumped.

Lily was born in hospital and was put on Sarah's breast at 20 minutes old. Then Sarah needed stitches, which took some time. While this happened Lily was crying so Jane put her to her breast and the baby fed without a problem. On their first night at home Sarah's milk had not come in yet and despite her feeding and feeding Lily was screaming with hunger. Jane fed her and she went to sleep. "We were really happy that Lily got what she needed and that was that," Jane recalls.

"This is a great success story," says Emma Pickett, a lactation consultant in London and breast-feeding counsellor with The Association of Breast-feeding Mothers. "It's hard work to get a full milk supply built up with induced lactation. It takes a lot of physical and emotional commitment." Emma has many lesbian clients and has advised a few couples on induced lactation, but none have managed to follow it through. "One of the fears is that the birth mother's milk supply is threatened in the first six weeks. But there's no reason why you can't protect her milk supply by expressing using a breast pump."

Luckily, once it came in, Sarah's milk supply was strong. Because breast milk production is based on demand the couple carefully maintained both their milk supplies by balancing the feeds. "I'd feed Lily first," says Jane, "then if she was still hungry I'd pass her to the big guns!" As Lily got older Jane's milk supply would not sustain a full feed but was enough to comfort her. This meant Sarah could get good stretches of sleep at night and breaks in the day, so neither parent suffered the extreme sleep deprivation common with having a newborn. "We feel that our start to parenthood was easier than it might have been," says Sarah.

The couple found responses from other people were varied. Their midwives had never come across the concept of induced lactation before and avoided engaging with it. But midwives knowledge and expectations vary considerably and many others would have been open to it. "I would be doing a lot of signposting, says Judy*, a midwife in the southwest who has practised for 30 years, and has come across induced lactation before. "To me it seems like a really obvious thing to do - share the parenting. So many men say, 'I wish I could breast-feed the baby. All this burden is on her, I want to take some of it away.'"

At first Jane found it tricky explaining to her boss that she needed to pop away from her desk to pump in the lead up to the birth. "Once he understood he was supportive," she recalls, "some friends and family admitted they felt uncomfortable about us both breast-feeding at first but didn't say so until they were over it."

"We've had loads of supportive and positive reactions from other parents," says Jane. "The main attitude has been 'I wish my husband could breast-feed too, I'm so jealous!'"

The couple plan to have another child, and Jane will carry this time. "I'd really like Sarah to breast-feed too. I did half the nights - that one is going to come back! I'd much rather share that role and have the help."

Jane and Sarah are now both equally bonded to Lily. "She doesn't express a preference about who she goes to for comfort," says Sarah. "This was one of several strategies that we put in place in order to try and make sure Lily has two primary parents and it worked well. It's been great for me and lovely seeing Jane and Lily also bond from the start."

All breast-feeding support services will be able to advise on induced lactation.

National Childbirth Trust NCT: www.nct.org.uk

Association of Breastfeeding Mothers: www.abm.me.uk

This article was printed in issue 6 of We Are Family magazine, Summer 2014. Details may have changed - please do not rely on this information solely when making decisions - do your own research, make your own checks and get legal or health advice as appropriate.
* names have been changed to protect identities

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One lesbian couple explains why having both mothers breast-feed was a positive way to start their parenting journey. Jane*, 30 and Sarah*, 34, have just finished weaning their daughter Lily*, now 8 months old. As a lesbian couple who wanted to be equal parents from the start they both breast-fed Lily from birth.