# data[].attributes.headline
PreRead for 3/7: Why do young children lie

# data[].attributes.subject
PreRead for 3/7: Why do young children lie

# data[].attributes.body
There is a link here to listen too (10 minute)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn't possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "It's a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they're lying about a lot of stuff," he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don't want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth - or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they've discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. "They'll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?" he says. "What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?'"

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others. Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: "They were kind of incredible experiences that weren't within the bounds of plausible at all." For instance, the boy would say he'd gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like "No, no I slept fine last night" because they don't want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. "One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think," she says, "so a lot of times you're going to get this lying issue."

Sometimes kids can really believe they've done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. "Sometimes they'll really just forget. I have kids who say, 'To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn't remember I had that extra work.'" When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone's feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

What parents can do about lying

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it's first important to think about the function of the lie. "When I'm doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies," Dr. Rouse says. "It's something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?" He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. "There are no hard and fast guidelines," he says. "Different levels mean different repercussions."

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it's best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, "That's a lie. I know that didn't happen to you," he suggests a gentle approach where parents don't necessarily have a consequence but they're also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. "So if they're saying, 'I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing' and you think it's not true, then I would say don't ask a bunch of follow-up questions." For these kind of low-level lies that aren't really hurting anyone but aren't good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

If that doesn't work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. "I've had situations where it's an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie," he says. "I'll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, 'Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don't you try again and tell me what really happened?' " It's about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they've been or whether they've done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it's not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said they didn't have any homework all week and then the parent finds out they had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and they also have to sit down and do all the work. If they've hit another child and lied about it, there's a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have your child write an apology letter to the other child.

Ways to help your kids avoid lying in the first place

Let them know the truth reduces consequences

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. "There's a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary," Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they're taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. "Sometimes the kid will say, 'But I told you the truth,'" he says. "They'll get manipulative, saying, 'This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.'" Parents shouldn't give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let's say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn't do their homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If they doesn't at first, the parents could say, "I'm going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I'm going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it's just a truth check and you won't get in trouble."

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because they're scared of consequences or they don't want to disappoint a parent, they have the chance to really think about whether they want to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn't for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don't expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, "I'm going to ask you a question and maybe you're going to tell me something I don't really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer." Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at their paper. That's when he needs to be taught to slow down and check their work.

Don't ever corner your child

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if they didn't do their homework, a parent could just say, "I know you didn't do it. Let's talk about why that's not a good idea."

Don't label your child a liar

It's a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what they lied about in the first place. It causes the child to think, "Mom won't believe me." It makes them feel bad about themselves and may set up a pattern of lying.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It - Child Mind Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn't possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework. Discover why kids lie and what parents can do about it.

# data[].attributes.headline
PreRead for 3/7: competitive and boastful behavior

# data[].attributes.subject
PreRead for 3/7: competitive and boastful behavior

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
In this episode: Janet responds to an email from a parent who feels her son is constantly competing to be "first, better, stronger." She suspects that sometimes his hyper-competitiveness may hurt his friends' feelings, and it makes her uncomfortable when she notices the reactions of parents and other kids. "I'm really struggling with how to respond to these situations," she says. "I don't want my child making others feel crappy about themselves."
Transcript of "How to Handle Boastful, Competitive Behavior"
Hi. This is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. This week, I'm answering an email from a parent who's noticed that her son has a strong, competitive drive, and he seems focused on besting his friends and boasting about it to the point that this parent is concerned that her son's being unkind and inconsiderate. She's wondering if I have any suggestions around that.

Okay, here's the email I received:

"Hello Janet,

I've been listening to your podcast and love all the information that you give. I recently listened to the one about raising boys. The author mentioned rooster boys: boys who got to be first, better, stronger, just competitive.

An example. My son and two of his friends were doing some fun crafts. My son finished first, along with one of the friends, and the third was the very last to finish. Once the third friend joined, my son says, "Hey. You were the slowest and I'm the fastest. I finished first."

I sat there watching and listening. After the friend moved on and went about his business, I asked my son, "Why is it important that you're first?" His response was, "Because it's fun." I said, "Okay. Well, your friend wasn't slow. He was just enjoying the craft. Do you think it feels nice when you say he's slow?"

How would you handle this constant competition? I know it's survival of the fittest, in some respect. It's nature for some. I'm not competitive in the least bit. My husband is. But I'm really struggling with how to respond to these situations. More when I notice parents and other kids' response. Also, I don't want my child making others feel crappy about themselves. We definitely iterate kindness, thinking of others' feelings, et cetera. Any other suggestions?"

I think first we have to understand why children behave this way. As Maggie Dent talks about in her books and in her presentations, there are personalities that are more outgoing like this. More assertive. This boy seems to have that kind of personality. Also, this is a common phase that children go through. She doesn't tell me how old her son is, and I wish I had that missing piece here, but I'm guessing he's somewhere between four and six probably. It is common for children to focus on winning or being the best at something, doing it more quickly, getting there first. These are situations that children like to explore.

Now, as parents, we can, without even meaning to, encourage that kind of focus by being focused ourselves on winning or even the way that we might praise our child. "Wow. You were so quick. You were the best. You won the game!" Whatever it is. That can be something that comes through. Maybe not so much from this mother, maybe more from the father, I don't know, but children do get this idea that they should want to win somehow. They're supposed to win.

Then there are other reasons that children might have a need to feel like they're winning, because they feel like they are maybe losing in other ways. That can be a child with a younger sibling who feels they've lost the focus that used to be on them, and maybe some of their parents' love and attention. This can be exacerbated by the normal thing that we do as parents, which is scold the other child for their behavior, if they are aggressive with their sibling or possessive. In these situations, it's often the younger one is the good guy or the good girl, and the other one is blamed, because we naturally expect more of the older child. But the older child is actually the one who's had to make a huge life change. A very uncomfortable, scary life change. I don't know if that's going on in this case, but that's a common reason that children will try to make themselves feel better. Compensate by focusing on needing to win, and pat themselves on the back, and be "the best."

But we don't need to know exactly why our child is behaving this way to do what I would recommend, which is accept where he is right now, not to try to correct him or give him the slightest message that we don't approve. Because these feelings, like a lot of feelings children have, are bigger than him. The problem with correcting him, as this mother very gently did, is that it actually makes him feel more of the kinds of feelings of discomfort that make him want to compensate with this kind of attitude. I got to win, I got to be the best, because, inside, I don't feel so great. I don't feel so acceptable. We are the people, as our children's parents, that they really, really, really need to feel accepted by. We're the ones that matter.

Now, if this boy does need to learn about friends and what works with them, the best way for him to do that is through natural consequences. That's the way children learn socially to adjust. They learn that children don't want to be with them as much. Children don't feel as good around them when they have these behaviors. Letting go of this, trusting it as a phase, without adding our own judgments on it, is actually what will help him move through this more quickly. It'll naturally start to smooth over some of those rough edges when he feels good about himself. He will pass through.

I have a post about this called " 4 Reasons We Should Let Kids Be Sore Losers." It's about the feelings around wanting to win. When children feel accepted and good about themselves, they have that sense of security, they have that self-confidence because their parents believe in them and know that they try out all kinds of different things. Yes, if they have rooster child, then they're going to have a more intense, a more competitive, bigger personality. But if we trust children on all ends of this, then the "loser" isn't devastated by this.

I'm reminded by a couple of incidences that happened with my children. One that my daughter told me about and the other one that I observed that happened with my son. My son was going to a school at that time where a lot of people with a lot more money than us attended. We were at our house and this boy with my son, he said, "This is a very small house." I don't even know if this boy was being boastful. He was probably just telling the truth. Children are very honest that way, too. "I'm faster." "My house is bigger." But my son didn't mind at all. We can help children on both sides of this by giving them that basic trust and acceptance and empathy for all the stages they go through and all the behaviors and feelings they explore.

Then there was a girl that came over to play with my oldest daughter. My daughter told me that she said, "This is a boring house." Both times, it was about our house. But I think she was referring to... We were pretty strict about screen time. Especially when friends were over, we didn't see the point in that. We wanted them to be able to socialize and not just be sitting passively with a screen. I think that's what she was referring to, that there wasn't entertainment going on, that the girls were going to be creating their own play. When my daughter told me this, she was slightly amused. She thought it was a pretty funny thing to say. It didn't bother her in the least. This girl was just being honest.

I love that about young children, that they don't have all these filters and etiquette. But they learn. They learn best when they feel us on their side. Not disappointed in them or disapproving of what they do. They're very sensitive towards us. Even the brash, boastful children. They are probably the most sensitive, actually, to what we think. If we think, "Ugh, this guy is being mean. He's being obnoxious," they're going to feel that, unfortunately. They're on a journey, learning how to be with other children, learning about themselves. Ideally, we will be helping them to proceed with confidence.

Last week, I talked about curiosity in our children being golden. Well, this is also golden quality in parents: curiosity. "Huh. I wonder why this guy is so focused on being the fastest? I wonder why he needs to be the best or see himself as winning right now? What's that about for him?" I would be interested, rather than dismayed. Because once we get to that place of judgment, we can no longer really learn about our child in that moment. We can't really see what's going on when our own fear gets in the way. "Yikes. This guy is going to be an unkind guy with his friends." Or "Oh, this is kind of embarrassing."

It's understandable. But if we go there, we're going to close the door on understanding and empathizing with our child, staying connected, and having him feel that support. We don't have to love every stage that our child is in, but they need us to accept.

Then if we do ask our child questions like this mother asked, "Why is it important that you're first?", and his response was, "Because it's fun," I think even then he may have sensed, because children do, that we weren't happy that he thought it was important to be first. We didn't completely approve of that. It wasn't as pure a question. His response, "Because it's fun," children often don't know themselves why they have these impulses. I doubt very much that he knows why it's important to him. When children don't know the answer, they say, "Because it's fun," sometimes. But I don't think he knows or can articulate what's going on that makes him want that so much.

This mother said, "Okay. Well, your friend wasn't slow. He was just enjoying the craft. Do you think it feels nice when you say he's slow?" Yes, she's coming from a place of being uncomfortable, being disappointed, and that's going to come through. That happens, again, when we don't trust that our child is going through something and exploring something. This isn't the way he's going to be forever, and it's not a sign that he's an unkind person. It's just what's going on for him right now. We don't want to give it power on either end by being encouraging of it, "Yeah. Yeah. Be the winner," or being discouraging of it. That gives it power as well in an uncomfortable way, because it might make a bigger wound if there is a bit of a wound there.

What's behind all this for us is what we think about it and what we're afraid of. That's what we've got to look at. Because when we do come from a place of trust and curiosity, we're not intimidated or afraid of this behavior, this phase that our child's in, then we can ask those questions. "Wow. That whole craft and all you could think about was getting done first. That's interesting. Is the race more fun for you than the craft, do you think?" I would maybe want to explore that with my child a little, not expecting I'm going to get the answer, because my child very likely doesn't know, but just as a way to demonstrate my acceptance actually, and my interest. That would be my purpose if I was asking questions, to demonstrate, "This is really interesting that you want to do this," and to show my child that I'm not judging him for that. I just want to know him. I want to know more about him. That's a way of asking about it that will bring us closer and give our child more of that feeling of acceptance that he needs. When children have that, they shine with their friends.

When children feel better, they behave better. They are kinder. They are considerate. They are empathetic towards other children because they feel deeply secure inside themselves. We can't always create that perfectly for our children, but we can keep working in that direction. Calming our fears. Accepting the struggles, the clumsiness and awkwardness that children go through with their peers in learning how to socialize. It's a very, very complicated type of learning.

When she says, "I'm really struggling with how to respond to these situations," I would let it go. I don't think you need to respond. I would take this in with interest rather than judgment.

I hope some of that helps.

Please check out some of my other podcasts on my website, JanetLansbury.com. They're all indexed by subject and category, so you should be able to find whatever topic you're interested in. Remember, both of my books are available on audio, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can find them through my website or on audible.com, and you can also get them in paperback at Amazon and in ebook at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and apple.com.

Also my exclusive audio series, Sessions. These are six individual recordings of consultations with parents, discussing their specific parenting issues. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com. That's sessions, plural, audio dot com.

Thanks for listening. We can do this.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Handle Boastful, Competitive Behavior - Janet Lansbury

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
In this episode: Janet responds to an email from a parent who feels her son is constantly competing to be "first, better, stronger." She suspects that sometimes his hyper-competitiveness may hurt his friends' feelings, and it makes her uncomfortable when she notices the reactions of parents and other kids.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Help Kids Cope With Disappointment | Parenting Tips & Advice

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Disappointment can be a good thing, especially when kids learn how to recover and handle it.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
My preschool grandchildren received many exciting toys and games over the holidays this year. My four-year-old grandson, Brandon, received a large container of small Legos and a kit of Lego people in a park setting. He was excited about this gift but immediately expressed concern about how to assemble the Lego pieces. He asked his grandfather to teach him how to build the various assemblies by himself. Grandpa structured the activities in the following way to build his grandson's confidence:

1. Brandon first assembled simple items; the people, a picnic table, a stroller with a baby, and a lawn mower.

2. Grandpa next had him create the merry-go-round with people. He asked Brandon to find specific Lego pieces that had to be assembled by color, shape, and size. He then guided his grandson in matching the pieces to the assembly instruction pictures.

3. With the more complicated park pieces, grandpa had to help Brandon assemble the pieces that required small muscle dexterity.

4. When assembling the kit of classic Lego blocks, grandpa first modeled how to construct a train and a car using the Lego instruction manual. After watching his grandfather assemble more complex projects, Brandon was guided in using the Lego instructions to assemble a crocodile and a flower with petals that open and close.

When discussing this learning experience with my grandson, he stated the following:

I know how to build with Lego when Grandpa helps me use the instructions.

I do not think I can read the instruction book by myself but I can build with Lego by myself when I use my own ideas.

My favorite Lego activities were building and playing with the lawn mower and the train.

I would like more Lego kits for vehicles and construction equipment.

I also like being interviewed for the blog and taking pictures of my new Lego toy projects.

These statements showed that Brandon was developing a growth mindset. When discussing the concept of growth mindset with preschool parents, I remind parents that they do not have to reward their children for every accomplishment or attempt. While encouraging growth, parents should not overwhelm their children with too many demands. Preschool children should be encouraged to be as self-reliant as possible and have confidence that they can take care of themselves. Here are some ideas to encourage preschool children to support their own growth:

Have the preschooler learn how to be self-reliant at meal time by setting the table for the family, feeding himself, and cleaning up after meals.

Teach the preschooler how to manage his personal hygiene by brushing his teeth, attending to his toilet needs, bathing and dressing himself.

Provide guidance in cleaning up after play time.

Provide encouragement to play by himself.

Help the child learn how to clean the house and work outside with parents on yard projects.

Nurture the child's learning by helping them assemble puzzles, play board games, construct with building toys, create art projects, read and learn letters, and develop number sense.

When parents nurture the growth of their preschoolers where the reward is the completion of an activity, the children can become capable learners who are passionate about life and expanding their abilities. Carol Dweck's growth mindset research and Mindsets and Moves by Gravity Goldberg provide extensive examples on how teachers and parents can prepare their children for new learning situations.

A presentation to parents might include these four A's of growth mindset:

1. Approach: How to scaffold learning situations that are relevant to the child's ability.

2. Apply: How to help the child apply prior learning successes to new obstacles and promote self-efficacy.

3. Assess: How to teach the child to reflect on the outcome of a learning experience to ensure further growth.

4. Achieve: How to prepare the child to achieve their next learning opportunity through growth mindset.

Parents can help their preschoolers achieve successes in daily life when they introduce growth mindset though loving and supportive guidance.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
author: Katie Kelly, Lester Laminack , and Vivian Vasquez

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.authors[].name
author: Kierstan Barbee and Douglas Fisherr

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Encourage a Growth Mindset in Preschool - Corwin Connect

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on Linkedin My preschool grandchildren received many exciting toys and games over the holidays this year. My four-year-old grandson, Brandon, received a large container of small Legos and a kit of Lego people in a park setting. He was excited [...]

# data[].attributes.headline
Increasing Cooperation with our children

# data[].attributes.subject
Increasing Cooperation with our children

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Message in a Backpack™ Guiding Your Child's Behavior

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Your preschooler is learning positive behaviors just like she's learning new words and skills. It's important to stay calm, patient, and consistent as you help your child understand your expectations.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Winning Ways to Talk to Young Childen.doc

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
In this episode: A parent writes that her 3-year-old has been having difficulties in play school - hitting other kids, screaming, and not listening to the teacher. The behavior often continues at home, and this mom admits she "can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too." Her primary concern is that her boy won't be accepted in playschool, and she's looking for some advice how to address his behavior.

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to an email from the parent of a three-year old boy and a four-month old girl. She says that her son is hitting other kids at playschool, screaming, and generally causing a ruckus. She's afraid that he's going to be kicked out of the playschool, and so she's looking for advice for dealing with her son's behavior.

Here's the message I received:

"Dear Janet, I am the mother of two wonderful kids, a boy who is three and a girl who is four months old. I would like to ask your advice regarding my son's behavior. He is hitting other kids in playschool, screaming, not listening to the teacher and disturbing the class. He's a strong little man, so the kids are crying when they're hit. Also, he hits me at home sometimes if he doesn't get what he wants or if I ask him to do something, as well as screaming as loud as he can when, for example, he has a fall and I'm trying to help. I can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too. I put him on timeout, but he never obeys. He only listens to his father when he puts him in timeout. I'm afraid my boy won't be accepted in the playschool anymore. I would really appreciate your advice."

Okay, so I thought this would be a good one to cover because it reflects a common misjudgment that we make as parents. I believe we even do this with ourselves. We have a feeling about something. We feel really uncomfortable and out of control over something, and we just want the feeling to go away. We just want to make it go away. So we might stuff it with substances or food, and avoid the feeling. Escape from it, just get it away.

This little boy sounds very, very unsettled. When children behave in this manner, when they are hurting other children or lashing out, it's a sign that they can't contain their feelings. They're communicating their distress. They're putting it out there, as children do.

So we aren't going to be successful at helping our child with this behavior if we're just looking at it as a problem in itself that we have to fix - the behavior. We're just trying to manage the behavior: just stop acting like this. Maybe if we punish him he'll stop. Timeout, yelling at him because, come on, just stop. Stop acting like this, stop feeling like that.

He can't, because young children actually are very healthy in the way that they vent. They don't usually hold on to the feelings at this young age. They are really good at processing them out, and that's healthy for them to do.

So whenever children are behaving in these challenging ways, we have to look at what's going on. Why is this happening? What is the cause for this behavior? We can't be successful just addressing the behavior itself and getting it to stop.

There can be a lot of reasons that children are dysregulated like this. A very, very common one, sounds like it's at least part of this situation if not the main part, is that there's a new baby. That is extremely uncomfortable for most children.

I believe it's in Siblings Without Rivalry where they use the classic example of what this feels like. Imagine that your spouse came home one day, or maybe they were even telling you in advance that this exciting thing was going to happen. They bring home a new young wife or husband, as the case may be, and they say, "Hey, I still love you just as much, if not more, but now we've got him or her here, too. I love them as well. Let's just all love each other and live together. Come on, isn't it great? She's cute, or he's cute."

We don't understand how unsettling this can be for children.

But this could happen to a family for other reasons as well, and that's why I thought it was a good example, because I've actually covered the situation in a lot of my podcasts and my posts and in my book, . I've covered the difficulties of this transition. But this result could be caused by other transitions as well, other forms of stress that a child is taking on. All we know for sure is that there's something going on when a child acts like, particularly acts like this outside the home.

The classic scenario is that a child rises to the occasion outside the home, at school, when they don't have the parents there. Then when they come home, they release stress through this kind of limit-pushing behavior. But in this case, these feelings are bleeding out into other situations. The way we can help with that is in our homework, in the way that we handle it at home.

So this mother says that she sometimes has the experience where her son hits her when he doesn't get what he wants, or when she asks him to do something, as well as screaming as loud as he can when, for example, "He has a fall and I'm trying to help." So those are examples of venting. Screaming is actually, for a child this age, it's actually a very healthy form of venting.

So I would try to shift your perspective to perceiving the screams as not a problem, not a fire that we have to put out, but actually the release, the healing that he's needing. Falling down or getting hurt is helping him to vent that. It doesn't mean that he's terribly hurt, it means that he's tapped into this feeling that he really needs to vent and he's blasting it out there.

So as hard as this can be for us as parents, and it's probably the most challenging thing to see our children's expressions of uncomfortable feelings as so, so positive, that's what's going to help him to feel safe. Sharing this, venting this with the people he really needs to vent it with - the mother that betrayed him by having another baby that she loves. That's who he needs to scream to.

It's different from screaming at, that it's your fault. It's screaming to.

He's sharing with you. He's taking off all the layers and showing you his heart right there, and there's distress. But the more he can express it, the better he'll feel and the calmer he'll be, particularly if we can get this message and be okay with it, be comfortable with it. See it as positive, see it as the cure not the problem.

So the screams are golden opportunities for us to welcome the feelings, which doesn't mean we let him run up and scream in our ear, we don't let him take it out on us, but we want him to vent that, we want him to scream.

Now the hitting is a lashing out of the feelings and, obviously, we're going to stop that with our hands as much as possible. But even then, if we could sometimes, not all the time, it's not going to be possible, we're human, but if we could see those feelings and accept the feeling of wanting to hit me, not judging him for having that feeling, which is the same as the scream, it's venting. It's just seeping out of him.

So if we can say, "Ah, I see, you really want to hit. I see that," while we're blocking it comfortably, easily. He's still a little guy. We can do this, we don't have to get up and put him in another room and send him away, or move away. We can hold his wrists, we can hold him firmly, and look at him and nod our heads. "Yeah, man. You really want to hit. You want to hurt me right now. You didn't like that I ..."

All we have to know is what just happened or why he's hitting, if we know. If we don't know, then we just notice he's hitting. "You want to hit!"

We don't have to come up with the reason behind it or name emotions right there, just acknowledging what we know and acknowledging it in a way that lets him know we see, we don't judge, we welcome him to share those feelings, but we're going to stop him from acting on them because we're the adult and we have that self-control that a young child doesn't always have.

So these opportunities at home are precious. That's where we have a chance to rise to the occasion - this is show time - to give our child this message that will help heal him and help him feel safe in all of these things that are inside him. He can't control those. He can't help the way he feels.

Feelings are involuntary. We all have feelings sometimes that don't even make sense to us as adults. Or I guess I can't say we all do, but I certainly do. It's just part of being human.

We can't control how he is at school. Hopefully the teachers are handling that the best way they can. Ideally, they're providing a sense of safety, that they're not alarmed by him, that they see him, that they're going to help. That they understand between them that here's somebody that's having a crisis. Right now, not forever. They're not branding him as a hitter or a bully, or any of those things. He's going through something. Teachers know this. Experienced teachers see this all the time. So hopefully they're handling it in a manner that helps him to feel safe.

But the person he really, really, really needs to accept him is his parent or parents.

People probably think I'm a bit crazy to say that these messy situations, these messy experiences and transitions our children have, are incredible opportunities to foster their self-worth, to build our relationship, to deepen trust. But these are opportunities. If only we could see every conflict and every issue that's going wrong as an opportunity for growth. Wouldn't we all be so much healthier?

I certainly can't say that I am able to do that most of the time. But children, they're so open, they're so innocent, they're so heart-on-their-sleeve. They so need us to be on their side and stay on their side, and accept them at their worst.

So I would stop doing the timeout. Stay calm. This parent says sometimes she yells too, and that's okay, forgive yourself. Work on what you're perceiving here. Work on what you're seeing when he's being this "bad kid" at home, hitting you. Yeah, it does look bad. We don't have to be Pollyanna-ish about it and say, "This is okay." It's not. It's definitely not okay. But why is he doing it? Because he doesn't feel okay inside, he hurts.

If we could shift our perception of this as offensive, awful behavior and signs that we're terrible parents and we have a terrible child, and all of those things. If we can shift that to, "Whoa, he's flailing. He needs me right now."

Yeah, it is ugly behavior but that's the kind of behavior we have when we're hurting, all of us. If we can see it that way at least 55% of the time, we can help our child heal these feelings and heal this behavior.

I really hope that helps.

Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They're all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you're interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I've had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thank you for listening. We can do this.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Recognizing the Cause of Disruptive, Aggressive Behavior - Janet Lansbury

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
In this episode: A parent writes that her 3-year-old has been having difficulties in play school - hitting other kids, screaming, and not listening to the teacher. The behavior often continues at home, and this mom admits she "can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too."

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Developing Skills to Handle Disappointment

We all face disappointment, children and adults alike. Whether it's missing the winning shot or rain that ruins a picnic at the park, life is full of big and little disappointments. As parents and teachers we would like to spare kids from these letdowns. However, we can do children a greater service if instead, we teach them tools and skills for how to deal with those times when things didn't go as planned.

Here are some ways help kids face disappointment and change their mindset:

Teach children that while feeling disappointed or angry is okay, certain behaviors such as throwing a fit are not. Process inappropriate behaviors during a calmer time. Ask the child, "What could you have done instead of throwing a fit?"

Help kids identify the intensity of a feeling by using a feelings scale of 1-10. Ask what kind of situation warrants feelings on a low level? What kind of situation warrants feelings on a higher level? Are your expressed feelings in line with the current situation?

Teach children to communicate and talk through their feelings in a respectful way. Ask the child, "How could you have expressed how disappointed you were in a respectful way?"

Teach children to recognize the difference between things they can change and things that need to be accepted. Not always getting to go first may need to be accepted. Not being accepted into the elite choir ensemble at school may also need to be accepted but if this is a true goal then perhaps voice lessons and further practice should be considered for next year. Help children develop critical thinking skills to evaluate different situations and the best response to each.

Teach children that there is often a lesson learned or even an opportunity in disappointment. As a teacher or parent you can share a time that you didn't get what you wanted but in the end you got an opportunity that you would not have expected because of the disappointment. Ask the child to imagine "What could happen in the future? How would you like to create your future story?"

Disappointment is something we've all experienced and our children will as well. Developing tools for handling it is an important life lesson.

Here is another excellent video from Rocket Kids on quotes that can inspire all of us to work through disappointments.

Wyatt the Wonder Dog Learns about Mindset

Wyatt the Wonder Dog didn't make it on the All Star baseball team and he feels like a loser. All his friends will be playing baseball this summer, while he and his pesky sister, Callie, visit grandparents at the beach. How Wyatt learns to handle disappointment and failure will be an important lesson for the future. Will he give up trying new things? Will he have the confidence to try again? Are there some things that take more practice and persistence to learn than others?

This book is funny! Its dogs doing things that only people do! I learned to try new things. ~ ~Samuel Traub, Age 6

Grab a copy here

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
helping kids handle disappointment - Wyatt The Wonder Dog

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
This post teaches kids to handle disappointment with four different tips including changing your mindset and recognizing the opportunity.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Why do children misbehave? To communicate? To control? To manipulate? This four-part series will describe the goals of misbehavior, what they mean and how you can effectively respond to them.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
With the knowledge that it almost certainly takes two to tango, it should be easy for us to avoid engaging in power struggles with our kids, right? Um... not always. Here are some of the understandable reasons we might get caught in a battle of wills:

We want our kids to be well-behaved, respect our wishes, do as we ask. (And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with any of that, so don't ever let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting those things.)

Our kids can be willful, stubborn, defiant, and unreasonable. When they behave in a manner that they know is wrong or just won't listen, it can be infuriating.

We believe that by using the "right" tools or tactics or by saying the "right" words, we can convince our kids to give in and comply with our directions rather than continue to hold their ground.

Problem is, most of the concerning behavior young children engage in is driven by emotions and impulses rather than reason. So using reason to convince children to do what we've asked after they've already said or implied "no" is, more often than not, a losing proposition from the start that becomes frustrating for both of us.

This isn't to say that our kids aren't aware they're displeasing us. On at least some level, they're fully aware that we don't want them hitting the dog or refusing to brush their teeth. What they don't know is why they have these impulses or where the need to dig in their heels is coming from. As adults, we will tend to understand more about these impulses than our child does, and we're likely to realize at some point (usually after the power struggle is over): Oh, shoot, she's overtired or has low blood sugar or I've been gone on a business trip for two days and she has feelings about that, etc.

There are a plethora of healthy, developmentally appropriate reasons kids push limits in the early years (more about that HERE), so to put an end to power struggles, the first guideline is to:

Expect them

When we accept and normalize these experiences for ourselves - we perceive them as typical, age-appropriate scenarios - we'll be far less likely to approach them as surprising, offensive, or deadly serious. Then it will be easier not to take the bait and engage. Refusals to follow directions aren't a sign that we have an ill-mannered child, or one who has it out for us. In these early years, especially, our child's impulses will often get the better of them - they'll periodically seem to lose their minds. So, it's actually unreasonable not to expect the unreasonable and wise to do as the Boy Scouts suggest: "Be prepared."

Alternatively, if we get caught off guard and our child's defiance feels like a surprise "attack," we're more likely to falter or "fight back" with anger, which can create the discord and discomfort that leads to even more limit-pushing behavior, struggles and stand-offs. This is bound to happen occasionally, of course. We're human.

An ounce of prevention

There are power struggles that can be prevented by understanding our children's developmental needs and sensitivities. For example, infants, toddlers, and preschoolers learn through free play and active exploration. A 100% safe "YES" place (which means free of forbidden objects and activities) meets their needs as explorers and scientists - testing their surroundings in a healthy manner rather than testing us.

It's also helpful to keep in mind that young children can become overtired, over-hungry, and overstimulated in the blink of an eye. As acutely aware and sensitive beings, their comfort level with stimulation cannot be gauged by our own as adults, so activities and outings that we might find enjoyably stimulating can put them over the edge.

Take action immediately, long before getting annoyed

Our most effective responses to imminent struggles will fall into three basic categories:

a) Heading them off at the pass: When our children engage in behavior that could potentially require us to intervene physically (i.e., they're behaving in an unsafe or resistant manner or using an object inappropriately or against our wishes), we should ideally be prepared to do so, even before we sense any resistance to our verbal directions. This might mean being a calm shadow/buddy/helper to a toddler who has a tendency to lash out with peers, or helping a stalling child move into her car seat. Mostly it means recognizing that children will often need us to follow through with a direction by helping them follow it. For example, we're ready to help our child put the box of crackers away long before we get the slightest bit annoyed or she dumps the whole box. We're upbeat, and we lead with genuine empathy or (if we're not feeling it) at least an acknowledgement of our child's perspective. "You got those down yourself. Cool! I'm going to help you turn the box over so you can get one. Then we'll put them away."

I sometimes describe this kindly-taking-charge-early approach as being Mama or Papa Bear - benevolently strong, confident, unafraid. Mama bear is always at the ready to be the parent in the situation. She doesn't wait until her patience has worn thin and risk turning into a growling grizzly. She understands that real love sometimes means carrying children into or out of situations against their will or removing items (and maybe even other people or animals) from their grasp. Where others might see "bad, disobedient, disrespectful kids," she sees "lost in impulse, needs help quick." But she doesn't just barrel through. She also makes a point of staying connected and on her child's "side" by acknowledging feelings, "You don't like this at all! I hear you."

(I discuss "Mama and Papa Bear mode" more explicitly in my recent podcast: When Kids are Defiant and "Disobedient".)

b) Keeping it light and low key: We can't force cooperative activities. They require willingness. So activities like clearing up toys, tooth brushing, and even using polite language are best handled with subtlety, lots of respect, togetherness, low expectations and a very light touch. One way to demonstrate our respect is by verbally preparing kids for these situations and making them part of a predictable routine. Another is to offer kids as much active participation, autonomy, and choice as possible - exploring the possibilities with them, getting their input, letting them do it by themselves if they can.

We might ask, "Do you want to keep your cars out in the corner of the room, or shall we put them back in the basket?" Or, "Hmmm... now we'll need to get this soap out of your hair... Would you rather look up at the ceiling with your head near the faucet or look towards me while I use this cup? Or do you have another idea?" With the example of hair washing, I might even ask if the child wants to wash a doll's hair (or part of my hair!) first. In other words, I would bring him into the experience so that he can participate as actively as possible rather than have the hair washing done to him.

Inviting children to participate requires us to flexible, keep our expectations low, and accept less than perfection (i.e., maybe the hair washing is incomplete, there's a little soap left in his hair, or we wash it less often than we might wish to). I would do my best to keep this and other cooperative experiences casual, although I would give my child 100% of my attention.

In a Facebook discussion group I suggested to a parent struggling with brushing her toddler's teeth: "I would keep tooth brushing as light as possible. Let her do it herself; brush teeth together; let her brush your teeth first, etc. I wouldn't make a big deal about it."

The next day she replied: "Overnight success! Last night I just got my toothbrush ready, asked my daughter which kind of toothpaste she wanted, handed her toothbrush, and we both brushed our teeth for 2 min (mine is an electric on a timer). After we were done she said, "More!" We brushed again this morning. I know a positive attitude towards brushing is more important now than super clean teeth, and I was feeling very bad about the way things were headed. Thank you for helping me turn it around!"

c) Ducking and letting them roll on by: Let go of losing battles (i.e., against language, bossiness, screaming, whining, etc.) so they lose their power rather than build steam. So, in these instances, our action is actually more like inaction. Brettania's story illustrates:

My 4-year-old recently started preschool. He came home last week and said "Poopy poop poopy poop" and then "you may die" while looking right at me. (I'm not sure why exactly the kids at school are saying these particular phrases. It is a lovely, outdoor, screen-free school so it just seems like random experimenting with things to say). Anyway, I just said "interesting...." because I truly was not bothered at all. So my son got very attentive and said, "Don't you not like that??? My teacher doesn't like it and some of the other children said it all day at school and she didn't like it." I said, "No, it doesn't bother me at all." My son looked shocked. This was about a week ago and he has never said these things again. It was such a clear example for me of how kids may repeat things (or not repeat them) based on the reaction they get from the parent or caregiver. I could just see/feel my son waiting for my big reaction, and when he didn't get one he just dropped this behavior immediately. I still find it so amazing to realize how very much my reaction or response may influence my child's behavior. In hindsight, I can think of so many examples of when I changed my response or approach (rather than trying to get my child to change) and my child's behavior changed as a result.
We can do this. For more, please check out my book:
I also recommend The Secret To Turning A Toddler's "No!" Into A "Yes!" and What To Say Instead Of "NO!" - Six Ways To Gain Your Child's Co-operation by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby and 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years by Irene Van der Zande and the Santa Cruz Infant Toddler Center Staff No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame (alsoavailable on Audio!)

Subscribe

Stay up-to-date with newly posted articles, podcasts and news. Enter your first name and email address:

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Putting an End to Power Struggles with Our Kids - Janet Lansbury

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
With the knowledge that it almost certainly takes two to tango, it should be easy for us to avoid engaging in power struggles with our kids, right? Um... not always. Here are some of the understandable reasons we might get caught in a battle of wills: We want our kids to be well-behaved, respect our ...

# data[].attributes.body
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IB9LkocX1dnQjdAwESyXZFlXqxeGg4C4/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=112505286633761705036&rtpof=true&sd=true

# data[].attributes.body
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13lpu1VhyTnm7B5zVqR-pDkRadOWg_B-opKw8pxsbaXM/edit?usp=sharing

# data[].attributes.headline
One size does not fit all for play-based curriculums

# data[].attributes.subject
One size does not fit all for play-based curriculums

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Diverse beliefs, practices and purposes of children's play in different cultures call for skepticism that Euro-American approaches to child development are best everywhere.

Our knowledge about play should sound a loud warning to policy makers, educators and parents: don't presume that there are single pathways to optimal child development or that one culture's practice - particularly the West's - is best. There are many effective pathways and practices to achieve child development, some better suited to particular cultures than others.

Three factors underscore this call for cultural humility, policy diversity and academic scepticism. First, play has greatly varied significance for child development across cultures. In some, it's considered a pivotal building block. In others, it's viewed merely as an incidental activity.

"Be careful what you preach. Avoid universal theories for child development. Recognise the cultural limitations of existing evidence."

Second, the childhood practice of play differs greatly. In some places, it's a highly practical imitation of adult work. Elsewhere, it can be a distant abstraction of everyday life, often taking place in fictional worlds.

Third, given play's varied forms, many contexts and diverse attendant belief systems, we are far from sure about causal links between certain types of play and child development. We're even further from proving the primacy of any particular approach. So be careful what you preach. Avoid one-size-fits-all prescriptions and universal theories for child development, parenting and education. Be sure to recognise the cultural limitations of existing evidence.

Narrow cultural focus of play research

Contemporary thinking about play is largely based on research in European and European-American middle-class families. This research emphasises play's role during the early years in developing cognitive, social and emotional skills, and in preparing children for school and for operating in technology-based societies. Given childhood play's perceived role in laying the foundations for lifelong economic success, it's highly valued in these societies.

Elsewhere, however, play has different forms, functions, prevalence and significance. Who plays with children also varies considerably - be it mothers, fathers, siblings or others - and so does the importance that play may have in building relationships, particularly in securing child-parent attachment.

Non-Western cultures have different attitudes

In our global review of evidence, we found that mothers in a Mayan community in Guatemala see play as perfunctory to childhood development. They are amused at the suggestion of playing with young children. Such attitudes, which are also found in other cultures, contrast sharply with the highly involved practices of 'helicopter parents' and 'tiger moms'.

Mothers in Papua New Guinea say that children learn through work, not play. In many agrarian or foraging societies, children learn subsistence skills and domestic tasks though early participation in these activities via a combination of work and play. For example, a study of Baka foragers in the Republic of Cameroon recorded 85 different types of play by young children, including hunting (making a trap), gathering (insect collecting) fishing (with baskets), playing house (play cooking with inedible materials) and creating clothes (making eyeglasses out of vines).

These traditional approaches to learning-by-doing or imitating adults are important. They offer significant contributions to contemporary thinking about how children learn best. They speak, for example, to the debate that pits didactic, instructional children's education against approaches that focus on active self-education.

Roughhousing with dad is important for child development

Cultural variations in play practices - and their impact - are prominent around children's interactions with their fathers. Research into European and European-American families ascribes an important role to the kind of roughhouse play that is prevalent between Western fathers and their young children. This type of play is considered to be a pathway both to child-father attachment and to helping children regulate their emotions and social relationships.

Fathers behave differently in some cultures

However, in many societies, fathers don't do roughhouse play. Yet their children have close, well-attached relationships with them and also learn to control their feelings and manage social relationships. A good example is the Aka hunter-gatherer community in the Central African Republic. In this collectivist, egalitarian culture, fathers don't roughhouse with their young children. Nevertheless, Aka fathers are reckoned to have the closest child-father relationships in the world - they are very gentle caregivers, holding their babies 22 per cent of the time, according to Barry Hewlett's research. No need to teach Aka dads to roughhouse - they clearly have different pathways to successful child development.

Cross-cultural research also leads us to question the universality of another often-held view about child development - that parent-child play helps progress with cognitive development. We conducted a study, involving 50,000 children in 18 African countries, where we looked for links between parental engagement in play and children's literacy skills. We also looked for connections between parents reading to their preschool children and later literacy skills. We found that parental reading did indeed predict literacy skills. But parental play was rarely linked to literacy skills in these contexts. Oral storytelling by parents was more predictive of literacy skills.

Too much faith in universal theories of child development

When we presented this evidence to an audience of British academics, they didn't believe us, reflecting a deep faith in the universality of child development pathways discovered in Western countries. Western academics have particular confidence in play as a route to cognitive development, a link not always found in other parts of the world. Yet, even in Western societies, questions have arisen about whether the links we have been observing between play and cognitive development and social skills represent correlational or causal relationships.

"Different cultural practices of child rearing should be considered in developing advice to parents as well as in making policy."

I believe in play. Children obviously benefit from it. But we still don't know the mechanism through which they do so. Is play itself the vital component, or is the display of parental sensitivity the active ingredient? Play does encourage children to acquire social skills. It helps them adjust their thinking and their social relationships. They probably also learn empathy through play. But there are clearly many more pathways for these forms of child development. So we should be skeptical about imposing what works in the West on others.

Cultural beliefs about play may influence impact

Why is it that play seems to have big impacts in some places and, apparently, not in others? We can't be sure. It may be that where parents believe play is frivolous, mom and dad don't play much or in a really engaged way. So their children do not gain many benefits. Beliefs about play may be crucial in determining the impacts it has on childhood outcomes.

Diversity in other fields of child development

Play isn't the only area where we see widespread variations in child development practice. Breastfeeding is generally accepted as a good thing. It is considered important everywhere. But weaning varies hugely. In the United States, six months of exclusive breastfeeding is recommended. But some children are breastfed until three years old and weaned gradually. In some cultures, as another baby is born, the previous child is weaned abruptly. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo (formerly Zaire), the newborn is passed around to be suckled by a number of women. We don't know which practice, if any, is best for child development.

The takeaway message to policy makers is that they should consider diverse cultural practices of child rearing when developing advice to parents as well as in making policy. This is particularly important in countries with culturally diverse populations.

Parents in different cultures have different goals. For example, in technological societies, we socialize children to think in complex ways about technology. That might not be best in countries that lack the same technological resources.

We should also be willing to learn from other cultures. Capitalism, which drives so many Western attitudes to child development, is only a few hundred years old. It's worth looking at other societies, less influenced by these values. We are beginning to recognize that they could teach us a lot about how to rear children.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Cultural Variation in Play Questions Child Development | C&FB

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Diverse practices in children's play in cultures call for skepticism that Euro-American child development approaches are best everywhere.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Have you noticed there’s a theme catching fire around the world? It has to do with an itty bitty word that’s making big waves. The word I’m talking about is ‘yet’. This superhero word is so super-duper that even Sesame Street had to write a song about it!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Growth Mindset, a term coined by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, is the idea that when people change their beliefs about their own efforts, they can better adapt to create successful outcomes. In other words, when you believe that you will succeed after practice and effort, your odds of doing so improve. It's a powerful theory that's gained popularity and been adopted by schools across the country. So, how do you introduce the concepts associated with growth mindset to your class? One of the best ways is to incorporate children's books about growth mindset. Here are 10 books to start a discussion and help your students change their perception about their abilities and efforts.

Growth Mindset Children's Books

1. The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

Perseverance and creativity are key to creating marvelous things, but what happens whey things go awry?

2. Rosie Rever, Engineer by Andrea Beaty

Rosie learns a powerful lesson about success and failure in this adorable children's book with a strong female lead character.

3. Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: Stretch It, Shape It by JoAnn Deak, Ph.D.

Streeeeeetch your brain and learn new things with the tips in this children's favorite.

4. The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes by Mark Pett

What would it be like to never make a mistake? Beatrice Bottomwell is a perfectionist who must confront her very first mistake in this fun book.

5. What Do You Do With a Problem? by Kobi Yamada

Change your mindset about problems and you may find that nothing is as bad as it seems!

6. Thanks for the Feedback, I Think... by Julia Cook

Feedback, both positive and negative, can create growth opportunities. It's all about how you handle it!

7. Beautiful Oops! by Barney Saltzberg

Teaching children that it's okay to make mistakes is one of the most important lessons they can learn.

8. The Dot by Peter H. Reynolds

Creativity is on the rise in this adorable book that encourages children to embrace challenges that put them outside of their comfort zone.

9. The OK Book by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

This little book emphasizes to children that being OK at something is okay!

10. Making a Splash: A Growth Mindset Children's Book by Carol E. Reiley

Compare a growth mindset to a fixed mindset in this children's book that addresses different attitudes and ideas about learning.

BONUS TEACHER BOOK: The Growth Mindset Coach: A Teacher's Month-by-Month Handbook for Empowering Students to Achieve by Annie Brock
What are some of your favorite Growth Mindset books for kids? Share them with us in the comments below!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
10 Children's Books for Teaching Growth Mindset

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Growth Mindset, a term coined by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, is the idea that when people change their beliefs about their own efforts, they can better adapt to create successful outcomes. In other words, when you believe that you will succeed after practice and effort, your odds of doing so improve.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Risky play for children: Why we should let kids go outside and then get out of the way

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
It turns out play with an element of risk may be exactly what today’s kids are missing

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Lacking the usual scheduled activities and adult supervision, children are finding the space to play freely.

Tessa Feuerstein, 11, and her brother, Eli Feuerstein, 9, riding on the bike ramp they made from logs and boards in Ellicottville, N.Y. This summer, some children have been engaging in riskier outdoor play. Credit... Libby March for The New York Times

As the coronavirus pandemic lingers like a hangover, many parents are still struggling to work from home and take care of their children at the same time. And for some kids, that brings a special kind of freedom: the ability to play like nobody's watching.

Much of the time, nobody is.

So they're doing things that would make most parents cringe: Children are racing on stilts in a cul-de-sac in Omaha, Neb.; a 6-year-old is climbing trees and scooping up caterpillars in the woods in Franklin, Tenn.; and siblings are building their own playground in a dirt parking lot in upstate New York.

In the Chan household, where Emily Chan is working from home full time, the kids - ages 5, 8 and 10 - bake cupcakes unsupervised. They leap from the furniture in the living room and hang from a trapeze bar, part of an "indoor playground" that was pressure-mounted in a doorway.

Outside, the family ride their bikes together in the street.

It's all OK "as long as you're not burning down the apartment or trying to kill the dog," she said.

But along with greater independence comes more potential for injuries. Doctors have reported a rise in broken bones and lacerations among children who are getting hurt while playing with outdoor toys and sports equipment at home during the pandemic. Chan's 5-year-old, for example, dropped a glass and cut her hand while helping her siblings cook.

In Franklin, Tenn., Stella Rose, 6, fell while speeding down a hill on her scooter.

"I could hear 'Maaamaaaaa!' faintly in the distance. And my blood went cold and I ran out of the house," said her mother, Jackie Gutierrez-Jones, a writer and self-described former "helicopter-style" mom who used to have eyes on her daughter constantly. "She was splayed out in the road, all bloody."

On a different day, Stella Rose fell out of a tree. (After both of those falls she was scraped up but otherwise fine, her mother said.)

Brooke Phillips, a high school theater teacher who lives in Omaha, said her 4-year-old daughter now wanders the neighborhood by herself, visiting other people's backyards.

"Before, I would have absolutely freaked out," she said. But now that there are multiple kids and parents stuck at home, she said, she isn't as worried. "It's different, but awesome."

Her 8-year-old daughter started doing daring tricks on her bike. "She has come in battered and bruised every other day from trying something like that," Phillips said. "It's a super good thing for her that she's been able to learn that it's OK to get hurt and to keep going."

And the children, none of whom have ended up in the emergency room, seem to have a greater appreciation of being outside, their parents said.

"The woods are like an enriched classroom - a Gymboree on steroids," said Lenore Skenazy, a longtime proponent of risky play and the president of Let Grow, a nonprofit promoting childhood independence and resilience. In May, Let Grow surveyed 800 U.S. parents and 800 children, ages 8 to 13, to find out what the kids were doing during the pandemic. More than two-thirds of the children said their parents were letting them try more things on their own, and a similar percentage said they were finding new things to pass the time.

"Kids are doing a lot of things they hadn't done before and the parents are gaining a better understanding of their kids' potential," she said. "In some sense, the whole purpose of childhood is to become increasingly independent."

In Norway, despite the fact that parents aren't usually as focused on safety as they are in the United States, there has been a steep decline in the amount of outdoor unsupervised play over the last couple of decades, said Dr. Beate. But during the pandemic "we suddenly see a lot of children outside roaming around playing in the parks."

Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist and researcher at Boston College who has studied how children educate themselves through play and exploration, argues that opportunities for children to play outside with other children have decreased over the last 60 years, leading to rising rates of anxiety and depression among children and adolescents.

According to Gray, the decline started at the end of the 1950s, deepened in the 1980s, when missing children began appearing on milk cartons and public service announcements asked if parents knew where their child was.

Well-publicized abductions, like those of Adam Walsh, Etan Patz, Jacob Wetterling and Elizabeth Smart, only solidified fears of "stranger danger." That and the rise of adult-directed, after-school activities have led most parents to believe that adult supervision is better for their children than going out and playing, Dr. Gray said.

"I sometimes say that we've turned childhood into a period of résumé building," he added.

A 2004 study compared American mothers' active, outdoor play experiences during their childhood with that of their own children ages 3 to 12. The researcher found a decrease in the time spent outdoors and in unstructured play, as well as an increase in adult-structured activities.

When parents restrict unsupervised outdoor play, it's often done with the best of intentions. Of the 830 respondents in the 2004 survey, 82 percent cited safety concerns, such as abduction and traffic.

But Dr. Beate said her research suggests that risky play has an important function: It helps children explore and conquer fears, develop confidence and reduce anxiety.

Healthy children who aren't struggling with developmental challenges are usually "quite aware of the risks they are taking," Dr. Beate said. "The worst thing parents can do is to yell at them, 'Come down, you're not allowed to be up there! Be careful!' Because then you're actually disturbing them in their concentration of what they're doing."

Most children will stop when the fear becomes overwhelming, she added. And at that point they might ask for help.

While a certain degree of freedom is important, parents should still try to remain vigilant of potential hidden hazards, Dr. Beate said, like a rotting log that could cave in, or a broken piece of playground equipment. In those cases, parents should of course intervene before their children accidentally hurt themselves.

The benefits of riskier play have inspired cities to create "adventure" playgrounds, like the 50,000-square-foot park on Governors Island in New York. It has no slides or swings but plenty of dismembered store mannequins, tires and mattresses, and adults are not allowed. Educators in Britain have also sought to make playgrounds a lot more risky by adding hammers, saws and mud pits. Similar types of playgrounds have popped up in Australia, Canada, Taiwan and India.

Not all parents are convinced of the need for more unsupervised, adventurous play - but the pandemic and the resulting quarantine has persuaded some of them.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Risky Play Encourages Resilience (Published 2020)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Lacking the usual scheduled activities and adult supervision, children are finding the space to play freely. As the coronavirus pandemic lingers like a hangover, many parents are still struggling to work from home and take care of their children at the same time.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Some people may say that putting an end to potty talk in preschool is impossible, but I beg to differ.

Have you ever heard a preschooler use words they know they shouldn't be using? Do you speak potty talk? You know...words like "poopy head" or "pee pee butt"?

I have been around young kids long enough to know most of them are fluent as well. Kids are always looking for ways to feel in control. Potty talk a young child's ticket to power.

Most Adults Handle Potty Talk Incorrectly

I used to dole out a stern 'time away' or excuse the child from the table all together when they were speaking inappropriately.

I was in control (or so I thought).

I'd say firmly, "Now Ben, we don't talk like that. If you keep talking that way, you're going to be excused from the table."

If the child you're speaking to is hungry for control, they'll keep going.
Nothing Seemed to Work.
Showcasing my frustration never stopped the behavior. In fact, it only seemed to make it worse. I found myself in the middle of a power struggle I never intended to be a part of.

The Meaning of Potty Talk

A 3-year old has only been on the planet for 36 months.

A 4-year old has only been on the planet for 48 months.

That's not a lot of time to have all the ins and outs of communication figured out.

Kids learn very quickly that some words have more power than others.In a previous post, I wrote about how most kids have very little control over their world and are often times acting out simply to gain more power and control. There are lots of ways to give a child choices to help them feel empowered and to naturally diminish power struggles.

Kids are tiny scientists.

Just as they do with pouring water in a bathtub or stepping on the dogs tail or throwing their sippy cup on the floor. They are testing out the theory of cause and effect and deeply searching for power over their environment.

How to End Potty Talk for Good

1. Stay calm and emotionless . Put your scorn face and laser beam eyes away in a drawer. Lock the drawer. If you show any type of emotion, the child knows that toilet words have power over you and they will grow hungry for more.

2. Turn your logical adult brain off and go completely clueless . You must momentarily become an adult who has no idea that kids use these words to get a rise out of other people. You must convince the child that you only think kids use these toilet words for true functionality purposes: when they have to use the bathroom.

3. Start acting and whisper. Go for a Golden Globe here. Channel your best Sally Fields. Put on your best clueless face and present a calm urgency. Be your most loving self, but work quickly.

4. Look around the room in a slow (pretend) panic and whisper softly (out loud) this one jack-pot phrase: "Oh dear...I wonder if someone needs to use the bathroom..."

5. Walk over to the potty talker and bend down. With your most loving arms and patient voice, whisper to the child that you are here to help and gently slide their chair out and help them to the potty.

Fixing a Potty Mouth Can Go One of Two Ways

ONE: Some kids will let you usher them, but they'll have THEE most confused look on their face. The other kids watching will also look confused. They all know that the potty talker doesn't have to actually go potty. All of the kids who are paying attention to the situation will be in awe of your naivety.

Your Script: "Let's go let's go let's go... oh dear...I am here to help. Let's get you to the potty before it is toooo late. Oh dear. I'm so glad I heard you say (insert toilet word). I love to help kids. Don't you worry, it's going to be just fine. We'll get there together."

Once you get the child to the bathroom, usher them in and close the door. Through the door, let them know you are here to help if they should need anything else.

Often times, the child will use the toilet, wash their hands and return to the table.

Once they do, you don't have to say another word. Just go back to what you were doing.

TWO: Other kids will make it very clear with their body language that they do not want to be moved when you try to usher out of their seat and to the potty. They may buck and flail a bit. They'll insist on staying at the table and shout, "I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"

If this is the case, I always let them stay where they are and whisper to them (loud enough so the other kids could hear), "Miss Roz is always here to help. If you need to go potty or poop, you just let me know and I will help you. We can get to the potty fast if you need to go. I'm so sorry, I thought you had to go poop because you were talking about poop. Whew! I'm so relieved. I was worried we were going to have a mess in the kitchen. I'm so glad to hear you're okay."

AAAAND SCENE.

Curtain closed.

Go back to what you were doing.

WHY THIS CALM & CONTROLLED METHOD WORKS SO WELL

To combat the unwanted behavior, you were calm, you were loving and you let the child know you were there to help them.

You avoided the power struggle.

By acting clueless, you took the power out of the potty talk.

The child might be a little perplexed, but they will be glad you responded to their vocabulary experiment with love and patience.

The child realizes that there is no pay-off for the behavior. The other kids watching will also come to this realization. Therefore, the behavior naturally dissipates.

One major tip: Be most careful not to be sarcastic. Sarcasm is your worst enemy and is damaging to the relationship you have with the child. You need to be as authentic as you can.If you like this tip, then you must read more books on a parenting technique called Love & Logic. That's where I got this idea and used it anytime we had a toilet humor problem. You don't have to purchase the book-you can always check it out from your local library.

Cheers to the extinction of potty talk!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How To End Potty Talk in Preschool for Good - The Empowered Provider

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Put an end to potty talk in preschool for good by staying calm and trying this one simple technique. You'll be amazed by the difference it makes.

# data[].attributes.body
No! But they can take turns for sure!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
It really is better to give than to receive, but that's only true if we feel we have enough. And this isn't something children learn through lectures, but through experience. All little ones can find it challenging to share. To them, sharing means being forced to give something up. Our goal is to change that experience for them, so they can begin to discover the silver lining of sharing -- that good feeling we feel when we make someone else happy.

So I would not force a child to share toys. Instead, introduce the concept of taking turns. In general, it's best if each child's turn goes on for as long as the child wants, rather than the child being forced to give the toy up in some arbitrary number of minutes. So you would say to your daughter "When you're done with that, will you give it to Isabella? Great, thanks!"

Does that sound like a recipe for disaster? Actually, it teaches kids to be more generous, out of the goodness of their hearts rather than only when we're watching. Why? Because when we let a child use something for as long as they want, without making them share, they get the experience of giving the toy to the other child once they really feel done with it. The natural result is that they become more generous.

I know this is an unusual rule, but what's the alternative? Always snatching things away from children when we think they've had enough time with it? That teaches them to grab, and makes them more anxious about protecting their things, so it makes them less likely to share. This rule helps children feel they can use something to their heart's content without worrying about losing it. In my experience, children who are brought up this way are usually able to share more easily.

Is this hard for the other child, who has to wait? Of course! So it does take parental involvement in "helping" the other child wait. They may mean helping the child find something else to do. Or, since kids REALLY want what someone else has, it might mean helping the wanting child to cry about their intense need for that specific toy.

But there's an Aha! moment waiting on the other side of those tears. Once the child is done crying about how much they want that thing, they don't even care about that thing! Their intense need wasn't actually for that specific toy. And the crying helped them feel all that longing and move past it. So learning to wait for the toy they want -- even when they wait all day -- is actually a positive experience for children. And since the rule about using the toy for as long as they want applies equally to all the kids, the waiting child also benefits by being able to use any toy he's using for as long as he wants.

Of course, you aren't always in charge of the rules about taking turns. If your daughter is in situations (like school) that require sharing and is having a really hard time with it, that's a signal she has some big feelings that are fueling her need to hang on tightly and rigidly to things. There are two ways to help her with this: laughing and crying.

I would begin by playing lots of games about sharing, in which you beg her to share, being silly about it, so she feels free to refuse, and you lament how no one ever shares with you (Again, being silly rather than pathetic --Your goal is to get her laughing.) You can also play games in which you "have" to share with her, but you express all your anxiety about it -- "But this is my spaghetti, I cooked it, do I really have to share it with you and Daddy?!" Again, your goal is to be ridiculous and get her laughing.

After she's done a lot of laughing about the issue of sharing, find a time when you feel able to really love her through an upset, and then "schedule" a meltdown. So if you know you will be seeing a friend with whom she has a hard time taking turns, you can tell her about it in advance, and let her know that you know it is hard for her but the rule is that she'll need to take turns with things. Hopefully, she will respond with upset to that idea, and you can empathize and support her through it. That way she will work through some of her rigidity about whether she has "enough." I think you'll see a real difference in her play with other kids immediately following both the play with you, and the scheduled meltdown. Good luck!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
For kids struggling to share, instead of forcing them (which makes them more anxious about protecting their things), introduce the concept of taking turns.

# data[].attributes.body
I'm not a huge fan of the sticker chart only because it creates more work/expectations for parents. That said...some kids thrive on positive attention and rewards. If it is working for you and you don't mind the upkeep...do it!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
How to Stop the Potty Talk With One Simple Question

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
One day, in the not too distant past, as I walked down the hallway to my 4-year old's preschool classroom, I prayed she had had a 'good' day. No incident reports. No hitting or spitting. Listening ears fully secured to her head.