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So, I know this has kind of gone to shit and no one checks this anymore, but it's still a place to talk about things and get stuff out. So.... My dog died last night, around 11:30. About a month ago we found out he had spleen cancer and that he wouldn't have long to live. He lived a little longer than the vets estimate, but still, it wasn't fun to wake up to being told that. It happened about an hour after I finally went to sleep. He was off all day and we knew it was going to happen so I was laying next to him, petting him for about 2 hours before I went to bed. Apparently my family tried to wake me up this morning to tell me and so I could help comfort them, but I wouldn't wake up. Wasn't responding, was barely breathing. So we had that. Finally woke up around 9:00. I've known this dog for all 12 years we've had him. It's going to take a while to get used to him being gone.

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I miss ya'll. Well, I miss Plague, I still know Nash, and I don't remember who everyone else is if I even know all of them.

But I'm sure ya'll are chill too

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This hasn't been used in a while, but it won't hurt to touch anyways simply cause I need to get some things out. Will anyone see or read these? Probably not. Will it at least feel good to get some of my feelings out? Maybe

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This hasn't been used in a while, but it won't hurt to touch anyways simply cause I need to get some things out. Will anyone see or read these? Probably not. Will it at least feel good to get some of my feelings out? Maybe

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GOD WHY IS THIS CHAOTIC YET SO CALM R/IMHAVINGASTROKE

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So compared to all my other rants this is more of a positive checkup. I’ve been doing better, I confessed to my friend? I think? I don’t know what you would call the situation 😂
I’ve realised a few more things. Such as my self worth, and how my anxiety and insecurity will most likely never be fixed. But also other things. Such as where I should put my trust, and that I indeed cannot cut myself without being terrified of it. It doesn’t even hurt I was just scared of it hurting.

I’ve also found out way more than I think I’m talking about, I just don’t know what I found out or how to explain it..

I’ll probably find it later, till then I’ll be vibing with the fucking love of my life, and the constant feeling that the sky is burning.

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Its been a while i know i know. I also know that this padlet hasn't been very active, so Im probably going to make it public on my twitter soon. The whole purpose of this padlet was sposed to be me and my friends posting about our life problems. Im pretty sure I've allowed people to gain new acquaintances. Point is, if you dont want your problems to be seen public just ask me under here and i will do so. I have actual information to tell about though, and ill problably post in a few hours. Or minutes.

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Still Confused About My Life..

Sorry for not updating much.

Oh yeah i started a little project so.. cool.

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honestly i wanna kms
my dad doesn’t even seem to understand me anymore.
he constantly thinks i’m supposed to be this amazing, perfect girl who can do anything that she can put her mind to. im none of those. im actually an insecure bitch who has trouble making friends. jesus christ, i can’t make friends. im losing everyone i’ve ever associated with. and i look at myself and think “what did i do to them? did i say something wrong? did i disappoint them? god i hate myself.” and i distance myself from everyone thinking that they’ll think the same from me too. for the past two weeks i’ve done nothing but have emotional outbursts, breakdowns, and panic attacks. and yes, im having a mental breakdown as im typing this.
right now my bathroom is off limits because of a fucking storm that’s making the toilet act up. i cant use my own toilet, and everyone has to keep water usage to a minimum. however, my brother as always did the exact fucking opposite.  so i decided i’d just use my sink to wash off to try and save water.
but nooo, that’s not enough for my dad. apparently i’m not getting clean. didn’t my brother just take five fucking hours in the shower? my bathtub is gonna be filled with you guy’s literal shit if it rains again. and who deals with it? WHOS FORCED TO CLEAN THE BATHTUB??? THATS RIGHT, ME.
and then it’s like “oh i bet you were on your phone the whole time” YOU WISH. I WAS BUSY CLEANING UP BECAUSE YOUR SLOW ASS DECIDED TO TELL ME TO CLEAN UP AFTER I GOT DONE EATING. YOU CANT EVEN HEAR ME RIGHT, YET YOU SAY “oh you hear everything else but you didn’t hear me when i said to use either your brother or my shower”
PUH-LEASE. I DONT WANNA USE YALLS SHIT. ALL IVE DONE IS GROW UP WITH FUCKING BOYS ALL MY LIFE, YOU EXPECT ME TO BE LIKE A FUCKING WOMAN?? (no sexism on guys yall, all genders are cool)
and then my dad has the nerve to say that me doing shit last minute is the reason why my grades aren’t fucking good
BRUH. I HAVE ALL A’S EXCEPT FOR ONE CLASS, AND THATS ECONOMICS. YOU BETTER GET USED TO ME NOT BEING GOOD AT SOMETHING BECAUSE IM SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT. IM NOT HAPPY HERE ANYMORE. I CANT COMFORTABLY SAY THAT A CHARACTER IS COOL WITHOUT PEOPLE ASSUMING THE WORST. ALL YOUVE FUCKING DONE IS MAKE ME FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT. AND IF I TRY TO MAKE YOU REALIZE, YOU JUST TAKE SHIT FROM ME. ITS NOT FAIR TO ME HOW MY BROTHER CAN DO SHIT. ITS NOT FAIR AT ALL. AND YOU FAIL TOO SEE THROUGH MY LIES WHEN I SAY “no i’m okay” “yeah today was a great day at school” BECAUSE YOURE FUCKING STUPID. YOU COULDNT EVEN TELL THAT I WAS SELF HARMING MYSELF WHEN I WAS IN NINTH GRADE WHEN YOU SAW MY WRISTS. I SAID THOSE WERE FROM WEIGHT TRAINING AND YOU BRUSHED IT OFF. EVEN WHEN MY BROTHER SAID I WAS SUICIDAL AND LIED ABOUT IT YOU DIDNT SEE. ITS HOPELESS HOW YOURE MY DAD. I SHOULDNT DISLIKE THE WAY YOU TREAT ME BUT I DO.

but that’s my day i guess.. i need to finish this work before i start receiving abuse..

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Working on sfuff i guess.

I feel like alot of people dislike me, not that i neccesarily care.
But like, i dont genuinely enjoy living a lie. Not that it isnt already.

Wait how the fuck are all my freinds suicidal.

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Whoa, now dont get me wrong ive gotten sick, but like now im starting to think im getting sick with the same sickness.
Like i have the same symptoms, same feeling, and SAME FUCKING STUFFY ASS NOSE. I think i have bronchitis ngl. Ive been thought i had bronchitis. Anyway who wants to play wid me?

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Whoa. I might go to court if i dont go to school today for being sick. Radical. Also what the fuck. Pardon me thats not why im here. So uh, you may or may not know psych2go, then just watch this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVw1Pl_KfOU

Anyway, so apparently love is like, overtime, and crushing is like damn you horni asf. I decided to use my 2% braincells and was like, wait a damn minute. Yeah you can see where this is going. My life is crumbling further to oblivion :)

Oh hey V :)

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True Love VS Crush (Infatuation) - What's The Difference?

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Yeah uh..
Been a while, which means more problems, right? DAMN RIGHT! :D Let’s get to the point.

I’ve been losing my emotions slowly. I find it hard to feel any kind of intimate feelings towards an actual person, Im not the kind, amazing person I used to be when it comes to accepting people. Matter of fact, I’ve been pushing people away. I’ve been mentally sick for the last few months, which is a lot more self explanatory than it seems..

I’ve built myself this mental prison of insecurities, and it’s hard to cry out for help when i made it to where i can’t do that. I always feel like i’ve done something wrong, can’t smile unless i force myself to, which sucks, yeah, I’m at that point now. But that explains why i struggle to make friends nowadays too

could go on, but yeah how are you guys

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I've learnt an important lesson today. One i knew, but simply ignored.

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I've learnt an important lesson today. One i knew, but simply ignored.

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People suck. ALL, people suck. I have no genuine hate for anyone. I just dislike them. I don't hate bystanders, i simply don't believe they live in a society that revolves around my/the society i'm in. And i sure as hell, don't hate my friends. I am quite fond of them.
Is what i would say if it wasn't such a fucking lie. Imagine your vibing, right? And your finally in high-school. You fucking hate it. I mean who genuinely likes school, without an ulterior motive. Second day in, maybe third. I meet someone. They're cool. I'm not calling anyone out by names because i don't desire to hurt people here. This is a RANT place, not a place to ruin peoples lives. This person is, I'll Go With E. E, goes by M, I didn't know they're name was E, until the lunch lady SAID, They're name was E. So imagine a new friend you can be comfortable around with. That was M. I was pretty much like a lost dog. I followed M around, and legit anyone else. Most because i liked M, and mostly because i had nothing to do, or because i really didnt give a fuck. Point is i TRUSTED M with my life. Now we made a fuck ton of sex jokes. Like. ALOT, of sex jokes. We'd giggle, might say something offensive we'd apologize for it, on our merry way.

Alot has changed. My soul, my SPIRIT, has wavered alot since middle school. I still have the same mood change behavior, i still KINDA acted like i was back in middle school. But i wasnt the same. A few weeks in, mentally shattered. I dont know if my mom knows this, but once i just gave up on life, my spirit just left my body. No emotion. Yeah that sounds all corny and shit, but it genuinely can happen. Now obviously theres a specific definition for it, but when i was shattered i just followed directions. My body followed directions but my mind was simply moving my body, i had no genuine care, and quite literally i just wanted to die, or just leave my body like a lifeless husk. It was like that all weekend. As spoken in the previous rant. Ive been changed, EXTREMELY. Ive cared less. Im still uncomfortable around serious topics, but now its either im uncomfortable, in pain, or just dont give a fuck anymore. Today, fucked me up. So imagine your close friend, recently ratted you out. Imagine that friend ratted you out for something they didnt care about. Imagine them adding stuff to it. Imagine pain. Mental. Yes. Physical? No. I dont desire to exist in the world of love quite that much anymore. Ive been cut off with the only people keeping some sort of sanity in my body and ive been TORN like a complex art on a piece of paper. I dont want to die. But if i did i would to much of a pussy to actually do it. Thats all for today. I dont feel like doing much anymore. So uh. Yeah. Ill problably update the lore next week, maybe...

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Yay, another problem child story for me to tell, and for you to read. Oh wait hold on lemme make my burrito brb....

Ok, so. Pretty much, long story short, i ate a fucking bite of the ice cream in the freezer and got smacked so many times i feel numb. End of story.

Jk, yeah so apparently that fucking opened my eye to what the past was, like MIDDLE SCHOOL, and ELEMENTARY school. Me looking back on that elementary was really the only place where i was myself. I wasnt a horny bastard, but i still had attributes i have today, and not as many mental problems as i do now. Oh yeah and i didnt get emotionally damaged under the age of 10 so HAH! Now i looked back at this, and i was like, wow i really didnt tell my mom shit. Infact the only shit she knew was my grades, and all the normal school stuff, and i was fine and dandy. Middle school. Middle school was a hot mess. So much of a hot mess that my mom didnt care about it. She worked at humana at the time so she didnt give a fuck about anything. At that point of age, i was just a personal butler. I got her wine, and other shit. I got my ass beat if i didnt. Middle school was the peaked interest of, uh, my streak of uh. I dont know if i should put this, but the mother fuckers who know what im talking about should know. Anyway that lead to a lot of relationships which led to alot of problems.
No im not going to emphasize these problems, im on a clock here. But yeah. High school -IM A MENTAL FUCKING FREAKSHOW.  My mom is a dickhead and she decides to put me in therapy because she decided to get so angry choke me out, almost to death and i just lose all respect. If you walked into the house youd see some shit. Anyway, gets a therapist, things are going cool, until NOW. So i realize, im grounded because i told her about my life.
Im in pain, because she cant control her anger. Why should i blame her? She says she can read emotions well so she knows im in extreme pain. Yeah no. Oh did i mention i realized alot of shit other than that too? Like i dont have a disorder im not saying that, but my mind has a set school mind and a house mind. My "school mind" is legit the most happiest, overemotional version of me youll see in public. my house mind is legit an emo lazy depressed kid whos extremely insecure about both his mind and his physical appearance. Im gonna end it here for now i gotta walk to school....

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Damn, wanna know something?
I apparently have a separate mind while im at home while im at school, metaphorically speaking.
I remember a set amount of things at home in my school mind but barely. But my home mind fucking takes in everything. I know why i hate thinking. And NO i dont have a disorder, i dont have anything like that shit, or personality multiplications, im just dying mentally. I finally understand but no one else does. Its fucking my relationships with my friends up, and yeah although i am doing some fucked up shit sometimes, everyone around me just accuse me. As of recently ive been in a conflict, i was "flirting" with my friend. Yeah i used ~ and dear, but i call everyone dear when i email them. Or at least starting too. I apologized yada yada yada stuff happened, and then they said i was flirting with them. I sat and processed how i was flirting. I fucking wasnt??? I had no intentions too but they kept insisting i was. Originally i felt really fucking bad but now im just kinda pissed and depressed. LEGIT EVERYONE around me now is just suspicious :( except for M and Other M :D and V, but kinda got way to deep into jokes with that one, story for another time. anyway bleed your hearts out here. ill be reading :) and dont say nigga-