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This night I got a picture of me illustrated by a friend who lives in the US. I was very happy and excited because I never asked for it, he simply did it and sent the picture as a surprise. We will be pen pals and send each other 'letters' with drawings every year for now.
I am intrigued by how excited I get over things that are still artistic, therefore relate to my course, but exists besides it -  as a hobbie or a spontaneous action that is not located in the "homework/activity/project" section.
On this day I even started sewing several bill receipts/invoices that I plan to transform into a shoulder bag, as a status symbol. All those things aren't really related to my project or its action plan, which makes me realize I'm kinda running away from it. Anyways, they still are good activities to refresh my mind and keep new ideas coming, so maybe I don't need to be so hard on myself trying to focus 100% of works only into Part 3's Project. After several weeks without touching my project book, these small works were actually a big step for me since they reminded of how fond I am of arts and making. So on, I need to keep going.
Keep attending all classes.
Keep asking for help.
Keep believing, somehow.

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When trying to fall asleep last night, some objects also went into my mind about possible ways and symbols to keep my concept and content going. I thought about ropes, support, pendants and a pendulum. Something that calls suspension, at the same time trustable but worrying if something goes wrong. Like a relationship and its paranoias. These things are slightly calling me during the last couple of days. I think they all can relate to Ambipolarity, spirit and journey of my project's content because of 'ying-yan'-like situations and physical reactions.
Thinking about this, I remembered Ernesto Neto's exhibition at Pinacoteca (2019), specially a crochet vest that supported 3 people at once, each one on an extreme of the piece. They would all support each other by body weight and position, and if one left the relation and balance is also absent.

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Dealing with anxiety. Insights, recovery and slow steps - Thoughts about making an interactive physical work, for people to participate. Maybe even plan for editals and exhibiting it after all.
Talking with carlos, we had the idea to begin a journey, from the 'bad insecure space' into the good one, physically and spiritually that still fits my concept. This then reminded me of the autobiography I did on my last year of high school, 2018. There are some texts about this ups and downs in poems or monologues. I will quote them here as an eye for a step back - to see how I felt, and how these journeys are constant in our lives, depending on the circumstances and paths we follow. The problems can be different, setup on another scenarios, but the reality is still ours.

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Ian’s drawing of me
Acrylics on paper, april 2020, quarentine days.

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intro
(...) Embora todos os acontecimentos aqui narrados (e desenhados, em alguns casos) já estejam no passado, acredito que como numa metamorfose, continuo evoluindo como ser – bem como evoluo ao refletir sobre os ocorridos. Desta forma, por mais que defina os textos, poemas e parágrafos com meu sincero emocional, até este é mutável e continua em tal estado enquanto meus cabelos e unhas crescem; minhas inseguranças (que, talvez um dia) eu perca; ou minha pele envelheça e meus fios venham a se tornar brancos. Continuarei vivendo e atribuindo novos e mais significados, a tudo que estarei vivendo e a tudo que já vivi.

Gosto de pensar que, por mais que os conteúdos nesta estejam eternizados pela tinta da impressora que tornara fixas minhas palavras, elas ainda têm o poder de se transformarem – da mesma forma que foram digitadas uma a uma pelas minhas próprias e saltitantes mãos. Fruto da parte mais curiosa de meu corpo, e, portanto, a que já percorreu (e percorrerá) por inúmeros lugares. Palavras que voam e dançam como meus dedos pelo teclado, e que ainda terão muito a se “ressignificarem”.
(...)

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(...)
Conecte-se consigo mesma para depois

Ser capaz de dividir as alegrias com os outros

Porque este é o brilho da vida,

Um sobe-e-desce de amor

Que só é capaz de manter-se no topo

Quando é construído com várias mãos.

Nem a todo tempo alto,

Mas que com apoio

Nunca cai no chão.

“Por isto lhe digo, minha filha: A vida é gangorra”.

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old drawing from my autobiography’s “search for myself”

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After 1:1 tutorials with Cezar, I was encouraged to experiment with the movement concepts I had in mind since last week. Doing it intuitively, only to visualize and materialize those thoughts, I got some carnaval golden earrings and made a knot into a long string attached to the ceiling. It was too light to keep moving, so I had to push the back and forth-like movement with my hands. I liked the light flow of the earrings although I still need something heavier to make it work. I also made some documentations with it using the shadows the pendulum made on the floor with a source of light above it. It looked more misterious, and obscure.
I used an old kodak digital camera to do so, with B&W effect. There's also a set of pictures describing its movement, focusing on the matter itself (earrings, colos, light and string).

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Starting topics for slideshow:

- I’m curious about the uncomfortable, unreleased or obscure parts of human interactions - what’s left unseen or unspoken

- Since the end of pt 1, I found myself creating paths towards topics that relate to these themes, such as the relations of time/replacement and life cycles along a collective reality (material, physical world). I even used analog photography as a matter of time passage, as technology changes.

- Now, I could relate these social/tech circumstances like a mere scientific process of matter’s evolution, removing the human being from the “podium of world’s chain” as it’s seen

- That’s why I thought about chemical cycles and renovation towards all beings and energies existing here. And how they all connect in different ways of function gears creating pieces of a bigger engine that is Earth and Nature.

- Over a theoretical level, I relate some concepts to Quantum Physics and energy’s power above all human interactions, political and economical visions that seem to rule our existence

- Quantum Physics is a calculum of possibilities, where individual consciousness is then a fundamental topic of consideration and deviancy

- I could make a bridge towards my own life assuming that past can also be a field of possibility, change and consideration. And also how all my decisions in the past affect where and how I am today.

- Reevaluating uncomfortable situations is also reevaluating comfort, which is normally what we get used to. The oppositions between usual and extreme, or disgrace and gratitude for example. They can involve several different experiences for all human beings, and to bring those (seen as) negative feelings is when we actually face change, or a cycle. All beings are put into “positive” and “negative” situations as matter of evolution - individual or collectively.

I want to incorporate these conversations into my Project Proposal’s Concept,  since they are also a view of how I ser and question life. Furthermore, besides a personal view, there’s a concept that can be broadly and collectively applicable - colleagues of mine were also interested in those views, which may confirm that they are relatable and open up a field of thought for a Project.

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Project Proposal - Draft and Final Submission 

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Project Proposal - Draft and Final Submission 

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After many talks with Cezar, Lauren and Duda about my topics of interest since Pecha Kucha, I decided to work with Binary Opposite relations - but supported with the concepts I was studying as well: natural cycles, life, death, spirituality, energy, change, multiplicity.

It was easy to list all the areas of my interest for a Concept development, but hard to incorporate and unite them all in one text. That’s what I realized after sending the first edition, as a draft. Finding artists that speak about some of those relations was difficult too - I had to select concepts individually to visualize separate parts and ideas that I initially wanted to make as a whole.

The tutors perceived that as well, since since the reference works on the briefing don’t reveal a lot of hints about what exactly my Project is. Considering that, I began talking to them again about the draft, deciding to sum up informations a bit more and write the concept in a general way, to open up possibilities instead of pointing strict scenarios in such an early stage. For the final submission then, I had to change the structure and order of my Concept text entirely, to first expose the ideas I had to finish the conclusion with more solid references as materials and the actual concept. Even though it got better and more comprehensible, it’s still hard to see how am I going to incorporate all the areas I mention. As the project goes by, I see that I need more brainstorming to select with more aptitude some of the concepts, because all of them won’t be so possible.

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Action Plan task was so far the hardest one to make. Since I was feeling unstable with the concept, creating delimited timelines and tasks for a project that is not very defined seems unreal. Furthermore, I’m very unbalanced emotionally. I don’t eat, think or sleep well thanks to anxiety, so to think and plan the future is a BIG trigger at the moment. I don’t feel like my action plan is really private or specific to my practice because I just tried to establish very basic prompts for the ongoing time - which, since I feel paralyzed, I can’t really relate to.

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For KM’s morning activity, I chose a verb from Richard Serra’s list: to wrap. The task was to create an installation with it.

Instead of making something strictly related to my project, I decided to use part of my mental state to make a small sculpture (which actually was a missing point from the task - I missed the installation criteria) that ironically incorporated our government’s current situation, specifically the “president”. I wrapped a rock around a transparent silky bag with a yellow ribbon and green feathers as a gift bag decor.

The outside materials representing a certain “tropical beauty” traditionally related to our country, as well as the flag’s colors. Which far right politicians are using to propagate a blind nationalism in their campaigns and public speeches - the Brazilian badge, flag and colors that is the traditional costume of its supporters. Inside although, there is this rock  that is just what it is. You just see it and there’s no surprise - a rock can do no other think than just being a rock, which breaks all the fancy-gift expectations. I consider that the rock is our president. The color palette from the piece also matches its site, which is a blue rag on my living room. They all combine into a clear criticism over our current situation.

Watching the news and listening Bolsonaro’s indulgent comments over the alarming pandemics situation makes me anxious, angry, speechless. Which are feelings that no one would desire, but are the ones leading us. I put those into objects and I believe they spoke to and for me. It is comic, sad but it was a relief to externalize.
Also, I named it “País Pavão”.

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Today I had a talk with Carlos about my project brief and concept. Since I was quite out of rhythm lately, the absence of work was making things hard to be put on track, specially with the many concepts I wrote on my Project’s Concept. So I made a list of pros and cons of all the Proposal made during the beginning of part 3.

At first I thought there would be more pros than cons, since even though the contextualization is complex, it merges everything I would like to propose/work with. Doing the list, I realized that for every con I had a pro - which is not a bad signal, meaning I can play with solutions and problem solving for every topic I wrote. The main concern was my desire of using a physical space to create the work, as I planned to make an immersive installation/space along with the need to curate ideas a bit more. Too many topics where at first a ‘mind blowing’ feeling, but now that I actually have to make them tactile, felt, seen, it’s revealing to be a lot of information.

I realized the problem is not with the themes, but on how I should approach them. Refining ideas and paths are now my goal. I will keep doing a broad research until the next two weeks, so after going through many places I can decide where I fit best.

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I missed today’s class, I wasn’t feeling fine. It’s a bit weird how the days can feel drastically different. Yesterday I was happy, criticizing what makes me sad… The next morning I just feel so very tired and don’t get out of bed. Anyways, I peeked the Km’s activity or that lesson later and did some double exposure pictures.

I was looking more into pictures that aesthetically combine instead of contextualization, more like a collage nonsense ness. That doesn’t bothers me - I know that I need to see things with their design as well, and what they visually ask for. I enjoyed a lot the app we used to do (Snapseed), and even played with it a few times besides doing the tasks asked. For one of them, I made a double exposure face closeup from a previous part 2 project (moving image) and used an old picture also closeup from my face, placing it upside down from the first one and making this dark inside confusion. I like how it also mixes my feelings with my project somehow, with the ying-yan sorta idea - the first face is uncomfortable, with a “caged” expression while the other is calm and on B&W.

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I really engaged with the Km’s activity today, where we had to make an Homage to an artist we researched.

Luckily, last night I was scrolling to my instagram’s art account and saw a new post from this artist I really love - Stefan Visan. He uses some dark or obscure aesthetics with a very clean setup, mostly a white background. Many of his posts are with collages, candles and blood-like ink.

I did a few videos trying to remake the blood ones, using ink, ice, ribbon and feathers. It was very satisfying to explore those materials and “replay” his aesthetics in a way. It reminds me of death, fragility and raw biology. The spilling blood over the materials is fun to do and the videos on time lapse too. To make the plain white background, I just used some white clean paper and a plate on my bathroom, which is also white.

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Over the past few Wednesdays, I’m not doing much. I take a break from all the activities to feel a bit lighter. Although I don’t make a lot of ‘project progress’, some nights I have ideas of installations and materials for it. On this Wednesday night, I researched some old archived pictures from different folks all around the globe, specially minorities. One that particularly interested me was one from a scared thin man with long dreadlocks wearing white.

He was a sadhu (sacred indian man) from hindu’s Aghoris, a sect of this religion that worships Shiva and seeks for enlighten on the darkest places. This particular phrase - “They believe that all opposites are illusory” opened my eyes for conceptual progress. Their philosophy is Monist, which stands for no judge of good and bad (so any binary opposition) since there is a bigger Universal force that is above those created concepts and taboos from society - “The Third Substace”, equal to the Father-Son-Holy Spirit.

This concept integrates almost ironically my project’s purpose, which made me thinks wider into what I really mean with oppositions. As I first intended, they are actually one and even if conceptually separated, one nurtures the other. It was very abstract for me to put those words in the beginning of part 3, but now with this discovery I’m happy to find a concept that actually exists and speaks the same.

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The next morning, I was still feeling intrigued by all those hindu concepts, so unintentionally (at first) I ended up doing the KM related to so. It helped me to reinforce my research and see that every task made can be related and enriched with different processes in this course.

I made an assemblage using “spiritual” materials, mining natural matter that suggest religiousness and occultism somehow. I chose crystals, rocks, leaves and shells to make an open mouth. The idea of this body part came first of all to a dream I had the other night where my teeth where falling. Mixing it with the Hindu research of some gods and specially Kali, the goddess of darkness/destruction, who is pictured with a wide open feline, angry mouth. She is a big sacred symbol as Universe’s behavior, powerful enough to dissolve all ego - bringing the End.

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I felt a bit out of place with today's KM activity - making a moving image using order/disorder concepts.
It was fun to share this class with pre-fad students, but I felt overwhelmed with the amount of time for this task. I wasn't feeling inspired so I made a GIF that is actually a "remake" of Stefan Visan's experimentations from his ig - two candles melting until one blows the other.

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On this day I'm focusing on research. For many weeks I was kinda ignoring past interests in the making of the project, instead of uploading different medias of inspiration and study.
In order to this, I used my afternoon to research artists both from KM activities classes as well as from my brief.
It helped me to start a path of practical ideas, and I'm now planning to make a sculpture with a small staircase - placing different symbols on each level.

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Today I realised there's still plenty of things to do, making me a bit worried. There is more research to be done, the website and visual identity projects to plan how and where the artworks will be shown and practical documentation/experimentation to do.
Besides studying artists for inspiration, I also need to research materials and availability to use on a sculpture. I'm even thinking about showing a video mixing the still media of a sculpture with moving images that reveal sides of what each level from the staircase can represent.

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I used this day mainly to experiment with materials. I am planning to make a sculpture collecting ready made materials that can be found at home.
I selected a staircase, white feathers, candles, a poem and a mirror box. The idea is to represent physical and mental body/mind awareness, two “separate” topics that will actually work together. There is no fundamental opposition this time, although they are different criterias but represent a body as one - as humans, we experience both, very much likely to link one to
another.
I started playing with the order of objects to see if they connect. Initially, the stair steps would indicate an order to some sort of spirituality, but with the candles and white feathers it was looking too much like the “divine promise” of christianity's Heaven. The experiment is represented below:

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After making some conceptual links and designing the physical place of each thing, I had another idea:
Use the staircase as a tool where the public needs to use it to find the work’s semantical sense. Using it first to create the physical body sensation (the need to find balance and place yourself with safety) and then, after walking the stairs 3 steps, the poem covered in feathers.
The feathers would look like a frame/garland to the middle piece, a mirror box. The spectator will see its reflection as the answer of “why to climb the stairs” and opening it, finding a Drummond’s poem that mixes existentialism with doubts.
There is no answer then - the answer is within the doubts we naturally have as curious human beings, and our own way to perceive surroundings. The self is the key to that, and it takes courage to accept questions as answers too.
I though about a name for this work as “o céu é oco” or “o céu é eco”, meaning that whatever concept it have, it depends on us. I think this idea focus on the human order of things, instead of quoting a specific religion (which is not my intention at all), so it fita well with the concept.

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Today I added some more sources of research that I’ve been doing on the past couple of days about poetry. I have some poetry books at home and decided to read some from Drummond’s Claro Enigma.
I wanted to find subjects of questioning, existence, nature etc. Although I also wrote one, it related more to the current global situation - I allowed myself to walk through those uncertainties as in search of making it feel lighter, or at least relatable, externalized.
So instead I chose Perguntas em Forma de Cavalo Marinho - a poem that is entirely made of existential questions, regardless of a specific religion or creed. Which suits well my concept.

image of my poem. Drummond’s one is quoted on research padlet.

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This friday we had a cross crit. I was insecure to show my work/experiments and would rather have a private talk with tutors instead. Although it was good and they showed interest on my work, there’s still more concepts to talk about and choosing/changing some materials as expression of those.
I’m prompt to talk with them next week to continue this conversation and get more feedback to improve. I also made this small text as explication of each object and concept behind the staircase:

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** materials preposition:
- empty stairs
- mirror box on the wall with “feather frame”
- poem inside box (Drummond)

binary opposition:

awareness of your physical body, climbing through the steps of a stair – trying to find balance, a comfortable position to you keep going to the next steps.

begin stepping towards something that you still don’t know, and once you start you’ll want to get there.

the answer is within - a mirror.

you’re seeing what you’re already familiar with.

and on the inside there are even more questions.

what’s really the point of being here? or walking those steps?

truth is inside you.

heaven is an echo.

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Today I had a small meeting with Cezar to talk about the project proposal for the show and about further works that I still need to plan and add to the exhibition.
I'm planning to use the staircase with candles and feathers, as a mundane representation of "divine" could be. I also need to look over more objects, lights and create shootings or videos that represent this idea of spirituality and all kinds of behavior it can involve, such as dealing with ego, patience, peace, energy etc.
I still haven't started these further steps, but I'm planning to use and experiment more with candles and crystals.

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My talk today was with Carlos and Marcella. We spoke a bit about finishing the proposal to deliver it at the end of the day.  I was happy that I uploaded it on time, after reviewing with Cezar and Carlos.
There was no big difficulty writing it, my questions where only about technical info such as for measurements (not being applicable for the space of exhibition if the work is a sculpture or placed outside).
I added new sources of research to my Reference Images as well, with Martin Creed and Marina Abramovic works/performance - A Light goin On/Off and Seven Easy Pieces, respectively.

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Holidays.
I used these two days to take some rest and clear my mind. Every time I just let time go and pass without overthinking about how I'm supposed to be using it (being productive, creating schedules, etc.) I get some ideas - specially at night time. So before going to bed on the last day, 21, I spontaneously began thinking about new materials to use and try in order to create more exhibition pieces:

- Dry plants / flowers (I'm keeping a dead rose since the beggining of quarantine);
- Rocks;
- Industrial material, in contrast to natural ones.

These simple objects already gave me subjects to research and play with over the next few days.

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Woke up feeling quite out of place today. I didn't attended any meeting or workshop (we had Alex Affonso today), which made me feel a bit apathetic on the first hours of the day. I took some time to have a calm breakfast, waking up slowly and deciding what to do for the rest of the day. I started feeling lost and out of ideas, but as I opened my computer and remembered to do yesterday's reflections, I also remembered the thing I imagined about my work before going to bed.

I wrote all reflections missed since today and decided to start a selection of materials (as I wrote for 21/05) as well as new artists to research that work with spirituality.
Besides having to write about the Reference Images artists I quoted on my exhibition proposal this week I'm also searching for new ones, and found myself particularly interested by Leon Berkowitz and Túlio Pinto.

Berkowitz is a painter that represents energy with colors, creating colorful canvas that look like auras. I like how he allows the colors to pursue his work, leaving their exact essence to show the intended energy behind it all. It definitely works.
I discovered Pinto work today looking into Galleria Millan's website, advertising a show of his with a title that really called my attention: "Buraco no céu". I will write more about it on my research folder, specially about this one that surprisingly relates a lot to my project's concept.