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Últimamente tu nombre cruza mi mente como un eco retumbando entre montañas, como un grito que trascendió el tiempo, como si tu alma me precisara. Es lamentable como tus palabras y las mías son de especies distintas; incruzables, imposibles. Sin embargo, negar la añoranza de tu tersa y cálida voz, sería querer ocultar lo obvio.

Busco y busco más sigo sin comprender qué me está llevando a ti después de tanto tiempo. Preguntarle a mi Alma y a mi corazón es inútil, no hay respuesta. Si tú estás feliz, y yo también ¿Para qué?

Tu amor no es para mí ni lo busco, eso es completamente verídico. Tu compañía, aquella que para bien o mal fue mi único sustento por años, a lo mejor sí he de extrañar.

Vivimos innumerables vidas, nunca juntos, siempre presentes. No fueron sino anillos infernales si te lo preguntan, una serie de eventos desafortunados cancelada antes de siquiera poder ver un rayo de luz si me lo preguntan. En general no fue si no una historia que narraba las incontables maneras de perder la esperanza, mientras la cordura se marchitaba y el amor dolía.

Entonces… ¿Por qué pensar en ti tan intensamente?

Una y otra vez me repito: “sanar no es lineal“ esto puede ser un simple desajuste emocional, momentáneo, singular, aislado, causado por una desestabilización en la regulación habitual de mis hormonas. Pero ¿Por qué tú?

Mi paz es prioridad en este momento, mi decisión de lidiar sin accionar es firme y así será. Inexistentes son los beneficios de actuar en esta situación. La voluntad y las ganas son nulas de todos modos, prefiero seguir avanzando y escribir al respecto para poder sentirme libre. Porque de las respuestas a las interrogantes que he realizado anteriormente, no me molesta seguir siendo ignorante.

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Me preparo para hacer las compras de la semana. "¿Cómo se acaba todo tan rápido?" digo en voz alta mientras meto la cabeza en mi sweater azul marino. "Al menos está haciendo frío ¿Por qué no puede ser siempre el clima así? Maldito calor eterno".

Salgo de la casa y escucho a mi tío gritar algo ininteligible, ¿Por qué siempre se antoja de decirme cosas ya cuando estoy lejos de él? Suspiro. Entro de nuevo y le pregunto qué necesita. ¿Saber a dónde voy? ¡Pero si ya le dije! Suspiro y le respondo algo exasperado.

Ahora sí tomo mi camino hacia el mercado pensando en cómo mi tío se quedó solo por ser tan amargado. No entiendo como hay gente que aún piensa que es un tipo agradable. Aunque claro, el siempre muestra su mejor cara al principio. Como con... Ella. Siempre habla mal de mi e intenta minimizarme delante de todos pero con ella fue distinto. Se me escapa una sonrisa. Intentó -venderme- diciendole cosas buenas mías. "Viejo inteligente" digo mientras camino viendo el paisaje del parque más icónico de esta ciudad. ¿Qué le ven a este parque? Llevo toda la vida viendolo y es solo eso, un parque. Veo un pequeño capibara bebé cerca de unos árboles y recuerdo esa vez donde ella intentó tomarles fotos. Amó este parque. Asumo que después de tanto años fuera del país uno extraña cosas tan insignificantes... Como este parque, por ejemplo.

Recuerdos nuestros caminando por el parque recorren mi mente y no puedo evitar suspirar su nombre en voz alta y decir "¿Cómo estarás, vale?" ¿Será que aún piensas en mi?... No creo, nuestra última conversación fue muy... Fui muy.... En fin, no creo.

Llego al mercado y veo a mi vecina, aquella que me vió con ella y tuvo la osadía de quedarsele viendo ¡EN MI CARA! Pero la entiendo, nadie en esta ciudad se viste como ella o tiene esa aura de no ser de aquí aunque lo sea. "Lo hermosa que se ve con mi sweater" suspiro. Ajá, a lo que venia... Leche, huevos...

Al salir de mi odisea semanal de hacer mercado decido tomar otro camino para volver y variar un poco. Me encuentro un gato negro ciego y me acerco a acariciarlo. "¿No eres tú el mismo que vi cuando estaba con ella?" Demasiada coincidencia.

Sigo caminando e intendo ocupar mis pensamientos en cualquier otra cosa que no sea ella. Es agua pasada, ya vendrá otra persona, o no, pero ella ya no será.

Y todo iba funcionando, pensaba en música y en si compré todo lo que necesitaba hasta que una vecinita me saluda y me dice que le gusta mi sweater. "¡Gracias!" respondo con una sonrisa, toco mi sweater y miro, mi sweater de Ravenclaw, mi casa de Hogwarts, nuestra casa de Hogwart, el sweater que ella me regaló...

¿Cómo es posible que nada más estuvo presente tan poco tiempo y en tan corto tiempo aunque no articulen exactamente las letras que lo componen... "Todos los sauces conocen tu nombre"?

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For I will always be the saddest happy person you'll ever meet.

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I'm starting to think this isn't for me...

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I'm starting to think this isn't for me...

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I mean... With my whole heart, I love him. Yet his will or intentions are completely unaligned to mine. Not to compare but -maybe a little tho- my motivation to speak in his own love language is visible, unlike his, that breaks from time to time.

I deserve a person that loves me so much he won't forget what hurts me, or what flowers I love... Someone that's so into me his kisses explode in my face without any notice... He cares for me, he protects me, but that's not enough. I need to really feel that he's there to stay and never to leave, that he wants my heart and is ready to fight for it everyday, lovingly, honestly... Not mandatory, not forcefully...

Am I in the right place? In the right hands? Am I sure this is how I want the rest of my life to be? Being fully loved one day and given for granted the next one... Is it what I deserve?

But most importantly...

Is HE willing to give me what I deserve?

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Y si muero, o me matan, quiero que se sepa que siempre fue mi decisión.

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Como bebida energizante para despertar y caer en cuenta de lo que me rodea, como la tierra bajo mis pies recordándome que estoy viva. Posó su dulce mirada en mi y ya no existe paisaje más hermoso que sus brillantes ojos café.

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I like shiny things, your shiny smile is calling me. I might play with this Ken for a while, or maybe I'll be played with again. Don't know, don't care. But here we go again.

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I look the happiest when I'm depressed.

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You try to convince yourself you like girls, but you don't.

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No coffee has ever awakened me more than those two big cups I drank,

Charged in caffeine I lose myself thinking what the future me might think of this all.

Did it last? Did it end?

Are we married or even friends?

The night rushes into a blue morning sky,

It's so hard to see it pass, it's so sad to know it'll die.

Your gentle touch, your thirsty kiss,

I would die to have this for an eternity.

Not so lucky I've been,

so I'll make a toast for the little old me,

the forever loved, the forever missed,

the yearned-for tryst you'll never keep.

The years have passed

and the hearts I held

Are everlastingly smitten

yet hesitant to remain.

Where I've found myself

been put on a shelf

to look and admire

but not ever to share

a life in the spotlight,

'Cause who would be aware

that the doll on the wall

was not perfectly made

in the image and likeness

of the perfect mother

the owner conceived,

before he fell in love

with the compensation perceived

when he first saw in me

the part he had missed

And then forced me to appear

not even seeing my reflection again

so I'm left in the dark full of pain

at the moment this ends.

Because the perfectly made man

realized that I am

just a human,

not an idea, nor a dream,

nor a sweet little thing.

What a displeasure it is

to believe it was me

the one he might kiss

and marry and have kids.

But I'm not, not even close

so here's the toast

for the little old me,

the forever loved, the forever missed,

the yearned-for tryst you'll never keep.

"Are you ready to go?"

but I'm arriving though

from a cloud chain of thoughts,

I started feeling low

You did nothing wrong.

I was just dreaming of us

But there's not even "us"

not in the futures we've got

so I'll seize this day

until love finds a way

If it doesn't it's okay

You don't love me anyway

or that's what you claim.

"Yes, let's roll"

You gave me your hand to hold

and I turn scarlet red,

and even then I'm not your favorite shade.

I say goodbye to the place

I got to sleep with my dream and dream

in my dreams and wake up scared

my dream was unreal

and being frightened it'd end

but life it's not fair

if it was you'd be mine

and I'd be the one

But I'm not,

so here's the toast,

here's the verse,

for you is the heart

that you don't deserve.

I'll wait for the day

the breeze calls my name

and you sense in the wind

my soft caring kiss

and so you recall

the nights where you fell

and I made you feel loved

with my million cares.

Because you've felt loved like this

never before

and never since.

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La frase "I touched you for only a fortnight" me habla en términos demasiado personales.

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Am I in trouble? Am I the trouble?

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As the nights pass, my heart aches for this scenario has ended a self-claimed eternal bow. Who would've said this bond we had was so fragile? It was broken by just an outer hand.

Lines of teardrops trace my face, I'm cold while the sun enlightens and warms other spaces and other people. I'm dying silently inside while smiling at you, throwing soft words ignoring my heart screaming in my chest, my eyes struggle as they look into yours. Not being able to decipher you kills me but I know it's a consequence of all this pain.

Loads of memories, experiences shared, laughs, sorrows, plans, and dreams together that will no longer be happy, yet forever ours. I wish I could turn back time to when it was all okay, before all this, before the break.

Earth won't be large enough for us not to find each other again, but that won't happen today, this week, or soon, hopefully. The spaces between us grew from when our home became a battlefield, subtle and silent, but it was indeed a battlefield.

By the time you read this, I think you never will, all of this will have passed, and we may be able to mutually smile and it might be painless like it once was.

Running figures, dancing years, growing up away... Far away from the place we reunited for the second time. But, it was meant to be like this, wasn't it? You had a chance, you lost it; then another, and I made you take it. For the better. Now looking back, was it really "the better"?

As long as we only see our individual growth, yes. It was worth it yet the price was too high. You took it though. I took it too. I can't forgive what happened and how I paid for the sins others before me did to you, I wasn't going to leave you like this. Not again. But you left me no choice. Even if I have to take some steps back, I'm going to come back stronger. You might have been an accomplice and not the main murderer. However, your fake standup girl behavior, your two-faced actions, and your hidden intentions speak louder than you ever will.

My choice was calculated to recharge myself. I hope you can see one day my success and feel proud and guilty that all this was because of you, without your stabs in my heart and your quiet treason I would've never been able to be what and where I am nor do the things I've done. For now, I'll be back to where I belong, I'll work stone by stone my kingdom and legacy. So every time you see some things related to us you remember what you did, how you acted, and understand why not even my mother wants you near me. But I hope you're okay. I hope you don't suffer, I expect you to succeed, far from me at least. Where I can see you safely from afar and know that you're safe, so my hopes to see you again stay alive.