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Task 1 - Improve the following sentence!

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Task 1 - Improve the following sentence!

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It was raining heavily as I walked through the crowd.

- In pairs, improve on the sentence above by adding at least two sensory details.
- You MUST use the highlighter function to highlight your sensory phrases to demonstrate your understanding.
- Keep your writing to a short paragraph. No writing in point form.
- Write both names in your post title.

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ORIGINAL:

John was angry as he called me over.

IMPROVED:

John clenched his fist and pursed his lips. I was petrified and shivered in fear. My palms started to sweat and cold sweat dripped down my forehead. Stomping his feet menacingly towards me, I gulped down my saliva. John could smell my fear from afar.

As I tried to back away, he followed my footsteps. Feeling threatened, I called for help. I spun around and went to the General Office.

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ORIGINAL:

It was a hot day as I drank my tea.

IMPROVED:

Perspiration dripped down my forehead as I sipped my cold, refreshing tea. Been in the sun for an hour drained my energy and made me feel lethargic. Out of the blue, there was a loud scream in the air.

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It was raining cats and dogs as I saw a bunch of kindergartens jumping around in the rain playfully each of their jumps caused a large splash,they looked like they were really having fun,me and my friend,joe,walked through the crowd of kindergartens.the roar of the thunder was the only sound that I could hear as I shivered Timbers as I felt like I was at the North Pole.umbrellas covered the whole entire pathway as we were stuck in the crowd.

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Rainwater poured from the darkened sky.As I wandered in the crowded streets, the sound of tires screeching against the road rang in my ears.Instinctively, I turned my gaze towards the source of the sound.Gasping in shock, I realised that the source of the sound was a car that was crushed against a wall.

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Rain pummelled the cement footpath I was carefully walking on. My damp shoes squelched loudly as I struggled towards the nearest shelter. The chilly wind brushed across my face.

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As I was walking home from school, I heard a threatening roar of thunder. I quickened my steps as I saw heavy raindrops falling from the sky. Out of the blue, I was surrounded by a crowd. I broke out in cold sweat as people started rushing home as the rain got heavier. My hands trembled as I lost grip of my umbrella. Worried, I searched desperately for my lost umbrella on the wet cement floor.

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The cold water splat off my shoulders as I walked through the buzzing city. The sounds of raindrops splashing against the slippery ground and impatient drivers honking their cars filled the air.  People were nudging and pushing to get through the crowd, I heaved a sigh as I contemplated when the rain would stop.

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The patter of raindrops soothed me as I weaved in and out of the crowd. The street was a kaleidoscope of multi coloured umbrellas. My own was a shocking yellow. The sweet scent of dew filled my nostrils but was soon overcome by the acrid smell of exhaust. The roar of the engines filled my ears and I flinched as a wave of rainwater drenched me from head to toe. I frowned, upset, as water dripped from my hair to my face.

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You could hear the sound of the ticking rain hitting the empty, silent street.Feel the cold breeze hitting my skin.The gloomy alleyway made my skin shiver.A shadowy figure started to approach me.Out of the blue, he started bolting towards me.My heart sank as i stood rooted to the ground.I couldn’t move my feet.

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The atmosphere of the bustling city buried the sounds of the falling rain brushing against the outside my coat.The apartment buildings stood motionless in the midst of the blurring mist.

The motion of the figures of others returning to their home felt warm to the core.The smell of the salty rain resassured me.

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The seething rain poured down in sheets of grey as the rain drops fell like bullets on the umbrella. While trying to get through the mountains of people, the rainwater seemed to flood the road wetting my socks and shoes. It felt like upside-down rain as it hammered on my leather jacket

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The sound of raindrops hitting the floor filled my ears as i held up my umbrella high enough for my bag to stay dry.The surging crowd in front of me was shoving people aside, in search of shelter. Using my elbow,I nudged a lean man who was beside me, in attempt to evade the herd of people. The sounds of the screams from the people behind me gradually grew softer as I took one last look at the mob of people behind me. Oh how I was lucky enough to get out of the cramped crowd.

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It was raining cats and dogs. The rain hit my umbrella as if the rain rammed to my umbrella.So I zipped through the dense rain.After reaching home my body started slumbering to the soft sleek bed.

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The rain accelerated down as it sounded like my umbrella was being beaten up. I weaved through the crowd hurriedly as I was late for dinner. The thunder boomed across the sky as it gave out a ringing noise.I feel my shoes filling up with water as they gave out a squeaky noise.

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The deafening clap of thunder resounded throughout the city as a rain pitter-pattered on my umbrella. I stomped in puddles, the gloomy weather began  affecting  my mood. Water splashed on my calves as pedestrians sloshed the puddles. My  boots became slick with water.

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While dashing home from school since i heard the thunderous sound of the storm. The rain started to pour heavily everywhere .

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( before feedback version )

It was raining buckets as I trudged through the jam packed train station.The road was buzzing with the pitter-patter of feet stomping in the hard cement ground . With a sigh, I glanced around my surroundings to see people rushing to catch their trains. Colorful umbrellas littered the grey pathway.The moist smell of rain hanging in the air, I felt a wave of rainwater washing over me . I rolled my eyes .
“Can the day get any worse ?” I muttered to myself