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How do the Danes do it?

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Updated September 25, 2019 09:13:11

My children attend a big primary school on the lower north shore in Sydney. The school has a reputation for academic excellence, so the pressure to keep up is real.

The other night, as always, I asked them how their day had been and to share their favourite story. My daughter admitted she didn't have a favourite story to share, but a humiliating one.

She went on to explain her experience in a class times table competition, where one child was pitted up against another in a race and maths sums were called out by the teacher.

The child who answered first got to move up a step. The first to reach the whiteboard won. My daughter lost.

Last week, another child in the class suffered similar angst in a spelling race, which manifested in debilitating stomach pain.

Another classmate is an academic and sporting champion, but her social anxiety has been a constant concern for her parents, who would like to see structures put in place to alleviate their child's inability to form close bonds in the classroom.

I asked my daughter why the exercise had made her feel so bad. Did she believe that the kid who finished fastest, was the smartest?

"No mama," she replied. "I don't think that, but everybody else does, I could see it in their faces."

I knew that my response as a parent in that moment was critical. I reminded her that losing was okay. It means there's room for improvement and that being the fastest at something doesn't always mean you finish first in the end.

So why are our kids more anxious now than ever before?

We all know the impact social media plays on young adolescent minds, but what about our primary school children, where anxiety has skyrocketed to levels not seen before?

Could our constant efforts to curate our kids' schedules, overprotect them from failure and encourage a survival of the fittest mentality be the reason, or is there more to it than that?

Empathy over competition

Traditionally in Australia, when a child showed an inability to cope with societal pressures, the typical response was to pretend it wasn't happening or to get them to seek external help.

But it's evident that more needs to be done.

Clearly one place to start is in the classroom, with subjects dedicated to teaching empathy, inclusion and a growth mindset as part of the school curriculum.

It's something that a small but growing number of primary schools across Australia have begun adopting and something that the Danes have been doing rather successfully for generations.

I visited Denmark in 2017 to look at what it was that made them so happy. According to the World Happiness Index, the Danes are among the happiest people in the world and it's been that way for more than four decades.

The Danes do not prescribe to a me-versus-you culture. After much questioning and a day in a classroom, I discovered it starts at primary school.

Their curriculum focuses strongly on the "whole" child, not just their sporting or academic achievements. Entire subjects are dedicated to teaching empathy, mutual respect and social cohesion over competitiveness.

On the contrary, the smartest kids become the teacher's aides, helping other kids, who are finding things more challenging in the class, to better understand.

Former mayor for child and youth services in Copenhagen Pia Allerslev and Mette Broegard, a primary school teacher-turned-principal, told me how Danish teachers spend those early school years teaching children how to develop their internal (emotional) compass, focusing on subjects like socialisation, autonomy, critical thinking and self-esteem.

Ms Broegard explained how most Danes know their children will get a good education, but also accept there's no point in being a whiz kid in maths, without an ability to withstand the pressures of life in the real world.

It's understood that true happiness isn't derived from a high standard of education alone.

It's dependant on one's ability to cope well with stress and relate well to others when life throws you curveballs. That's why empathy is taught as a standalone subject and practised in other lessons.

Creating a culture that embraces the 'whole' person

Recent studies in the United States show that empathy in young people has dropped by almost 50 per cent since the 1980s and 1990s.

In fact, as Professor Peter Gray points out, about 70 per cent of students score higher on narcissism and lower on empathy today than the average student did 30 years ago.

"People who are high in this trait, fail to help others, unless there is immediate gain or recognition to themselves in doing so," he wrote in Psychology Today.

"They will readily trample over others, in their efforts to get to the top."

It's no wonder our children are anxious. Teaching empathy in our classrooms could not come soon enough.

It's why many believe that teaching ethics as part of the school curriculum, rather than as an option for kids whose parents don't want them to learn scripture, might just be the first step in creating a culture that embraces the "whole" person.

Children are individuals with different needs

But even the Danes will be the first to tell you that school is just one part of the puzzle. Parents are the child's most important teachers.

As parents, it is crucial that we observe our own default settings.

Our behaviour and our belief systems are, more often than not, reflected back to us in the behaviour and internal belief systems of our children.

If we are anxious, judgemental or dismissive, then chances are our children are picking up on it.

One of the things which struck me most about Danish parenting was just how much value they placed in spending quality time with their kids.

Every home I walked into in Denmark had a bookshelf filled with board games.

Families I met spoke of the importance of teamwork and cooperation, which was actively encouraged in every aspect of domestic life, including cooking together, chopping wood for the fire together (yes, they let their kids use an axe), playing games together and even cleaning up together.

Creating meaningful moments of connection with your family was the cornerstone of Danish culture.

As parents, it's natural to want to give our kids the optimum start in life, to equip them with the best possible tools and lavish them with praise.

But what if the Danes are onto something? What if we encouraged kids to focus on their efforts rather than the accolades, and on their peers rather than purely on themselves?

In their book, The Danish Way of Parenting, Jessica Alexander and Iben Sandahl dig into the importance of working together.

"Contrary to what we might think, people's brains actually register more satisfaction from co-operating and helping others than from winning alone," they wrote.

"It's no surprise that empathy is one of the single most important factors in making successful leaders, entrepreneurs, managers and businesses.

"It reduces bullying, increases our capacity to forgive and greatly improves relationships and social connectedness."

Alexander and Sandahl also describe how Danish teachers are trained to follow a practice in schools called "differentiere", whereby teachers "learn to see each student as an individual with different needs".

The objectives can be academic, personal and social. The teacher then creates a plan to assess each child's areas of strengths and weaknesses and organises the activities and group setting accordingly.

In my daughter's classroom for example, the child who is brilliant in maths might be teamed up with someone like my daughter who may need more help.

Likewise, the child who is socially anxious and has difficulty making friends or speaking in public, would benefit from being with my daughter or someone similar, to help them overcome their social anxiety.

Encouraging personal bests - not being the best

As a parent of two young children, my trip to Denmark could not have come at a better time.

It taught me the value of focusing on playfulness over perfection in those early years and on encouraging personal bests rather than being the best.

Most importantly, it helped shape my view on the importance of teamwork over individual triumph.

And their school is getting there too. As I tucked my son into bed the other night, he told me about his "feelings" class which they've just started doing with a volunteer Year Two teacher.

It's only once a week, for a few weeks, but he said it teaches him about emotions and what to do with them.

"Mum, you know I'm resilient," he told me.

"I just wash away any bad things that anyone says. I don't let it affect me."

Based on the merit awards my kids keep bringing home, I'd say the message has sunk in.

They may not be topping the class in tests or competitions right now, but they seem to be contributing nicely to the wellbeing of their classmates.

And in the anxiety driven world we live in today, I couldn't be more proud of them for that, or the teachers who recognise their worth and celebrate them for it.

Topics: family-and-children, parenting, community-and-society, children, education, australia, sydney-2000, denmark

First posted September 25, 2019 05:00:17

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My daughter came home from school, feeling humiliated. Anxiety is out of control

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Updated September 25, 2019 09:13:11 My children attend a big primary school on the lower north shore in Sydney. The school has a reputation for academic excellence, so the pressure to keep up is real. The other night, as always, I asked them how their day had been and to share their favourite story.

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The Most Important 21st Century Skill

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Empathy: The Most Important 21st Century Skill

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I was recently listening to George Couros talk about Ryan Gosling in his presentation. I had seen the presentation before and loved the video he shared where a man battling cancer created these Gosling videos while in the hospital.

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May 14, 2019

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Parent workshop - Transitions May 14th, 2019

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Excellent Resource

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The Cornell Research Program on Self-Injury and Recovery

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(Image: Getty)

Police have issued a list of 200 words children are using to talk secretly online which they believe are a 'cause for concern'.

The list includes secret codes, phrases and hash tags which refer to a series of topics including sex, suicide, drugs and meeting up with people.

It has been divided into three categories so parents know what they're looking at. There are 'warning flags', 'keep and eye on' and 'fun', reports Nottingham Live .

Children's charity the NSPCC emphasised the importance of keeping up-to-date with online content.

An NSPCC spokesman said: "One of the best ways for parents to keep their children safe online and spot risks is to open up conversations about their online lives.

"It is important for parents to keep up-to-date with the type of content, features and risks, as well as know the minimum age of the sites and games their children are using.

"Particularly, when we know one in four young people have been contacted over social media by an adult they don't know, with a third of these children 13 and under."

The list in full

'Warning flags'

#ana - anorexia

#deb - depression

#sue - suicide

#svv - self-harming behaviour

#thinsp - thinspiration (photos or messages that inspire an effort to become thin)

9 - a parent is watching

420 - marijuana

ASL - age, sex, location

CD9 - parents are around

Crow - cannabis

CU46 - see you for sex

Daddy - can mean a partner who takes good care of you affectionately or someone with great influence and power over you

Down in the DM - short for plans in their social media or texts for an upcoming sexual hook-up

F2F or FTF - face to face

FWB - friends with benefits

FYEO - for your eyes only

GNOC - get naked on camera

Hooking up - having sex

'I know a way you can earn money fast' - a possible way of asking for photos/webcam access or a way to get information to blackmail a young person

'I know someone who can get you a modelling job' - a possible way of asking for photos and flattering the young person

IRL - in real life

IWSN - I want sex now

Let's go private - leave the public chatroom and create a private chat or move to instant-messaging/texting

LMIRL - let's meet in real life

KPC - keep parents clueless

Merked - really drunk or beaten up or getting found out or getting told off

MIRL - meeting in real life

Molly - ecstasy/MDMA (unless they really do have a friend called Molly! Context is everything)

MOOS - member of the opposite sex

MOS - mum over shoulder

Moving to (someone) - approaching, either aggressively or romantically

Netflix 'n Chill - to meet under the pretence of watching Netflix/TV together when actually planning to meet for 'making out' or sex

NIFOC - naked in front of computer

NSFL - not safe for life

NSFW - not safe for work

P911 or P999 - parents are watching

POS - parents over shoulder

Pre-ing - pre-drinking

RU/18 - are you over 18?

Sket - insulting term used towards girls

Smash - to have casual sex

Swipe right - term of approval derived from dating app Tinder

Thirsty - being desperate for something

Trolling - fooling someone - often used when people are commenting nasty abuse online

Wavey - drunk or high

'Where's your computer in your house?' - possibly a way of checking to see if parents might be around

'Who/What's your favourite band/designer/film/gear?' - possibly a way of trying to get to know more so that they can offer gifts

Wired - drug induced paranoia

WYRN - what's your real name?

'You are the love of my life' - possibly a way of flattering a young person and creating an emotional bond with them

'You seem sad. Tell me what's bothering you' - possibly a way of expressing sympathy and inviting them to share personal information

Zerg - to gang up on someone.

'Terms to keep an eye on':

4eae - for ever and ever

AND - any day now

AF - as f**k

Aired - ignoring someone

Are you parring me? - are you showing me disrespect?

B - babe (can be just a friend)

Bae - short for 'baby' and used as a term of endearment for a significant other such as a boyfriend or girlfriend. Short for 'before anyone else'

Basic - lacking originality

Begfriend - someone who sucks up to someone else

BFN - bye for now

BOL - be on later

Bookie - weird or disgusting

Booted - left behind or dumped

Butters - ugly person

Bye Felicia - dismissive term when you want an annoying person to go away

Curve - to reject someone romantically

Dime - someone who is extremely good looking

DM - direct message

Ghost - ghosting someone is to completely ignore someone suddenly, usually as a nasty way of breaking up with someone

GLHF - good luck, have fun

HT or H/T - heard through

HAK - hugs and kisses

IANAL - I am not a lawyer

ILY or ILU - I love you

IU2U - it's up to you

IYKWIM - if you know what I mean

J4F - just for fun

JIC - just in case

J/K - just kidding

Kicked - left behind

Low key - a warning that what they're saying isn't something they want everyone to know

NAGI - not a good idea

OH - overheard

PAP - post a picture

Peng or tidy - really attractive

Preeing - looking at someone online (also know as 'Facebook stalking')

PTB - please text back

QQ - crying

RL - real life

Salty - to be bitter about something or someone

Ship - relationship or to admire a couple (such as 'I ship them')

Sip tea - to mind your own business

Skurt - go away or leave

Slept - to knock someone out

Slipping - messing up

Stacked - built, really muscly, toned

Swag - confidence or fancy clothes/jewellery

SWAK - sealed with a kiss

SWYP - so what's your problem?

TBR - to be rude

Throw shade - to give someone a nasty look or say something unpleasant about them

TIME - tears in my eyes

TMB - tweet me back

VSF - very sad face

WTH or WTF - what the heck?

WTPA - where's the party at?

WYCM - will you call me?

WYSIWYG - what you see is what you get

YGM - you've got mail

YOLO - you only live once

'Fun' terms:

:3 - a symbol designed to represent a cat face, to be used after saying something cute, odd or coy

2day - today

Acc - actually

AFAIK - as far as I know

AFK - away from keyboard

ATM - at the moment

B4 - before

Baffed - confused

Banter - fun chat

Bare or bear - 'really really'

B/C - because

BF or GF - boyfriend or girlfriend

Blates - obviously

Blessed - nice person

Boots - a way to say 'very' or 'a lot' - it's used after the verb or adjective

BRB - be right back

Bromance - close friendship between two boys

Bruh - a casual nickname for 'bro'

BTW - by the way

Buck me - give me

Buff - attractive

Can't even - an expression of exasperation

CBA - can't be bothered

Cray - crazy

Cuz - friend

Dench - fantastic/cool

Dope - really cool/awesome

DWBH - don't worry be happy

Fail - something goes wrong

Fam - their closest friends

FB - Facebook

Feels - feelings

FF - Follow Friday

Fierce - looking amazing/incredible

FOMO - fear of missing out

FTL - for the loss

FTW - for the win

FWIW - for what it's worth

FYI - for your information

G - a friend (boy to boy)

Gassed - happy

GOAT - greatest of all time

GR8 - great

GTG - got to go

Gucci - something is good or cool

HAND - have a nice day

Hella - really

HTH - hope this helps or happy to help

Hundo P - 100% sure/certain

IDEK - I don't even know

IDK - I don't know

IIRC - if I remember correctly

IK - I know

IKR - I know right?

Ill - fantastic or cool

IMHO - in my honest opinion

IMO - in my opinion

Is everything - great/important

It's lit - it's cool/awesome

I'm weak - that was funny

Jarring - annoying

Jokes - really funny

JSYK - just so you know

K or KK - okay

Legend - someone or something considered very cool

LMAO or LMBO - laughing my butt off

LMK - let me know

Lol - laugh out loud

MM - Music Monday

MSM - mainstream media

NM - never mind

NMU - not much, you?

NP - no problem or now playing

NTS - note to self

Obvi - obviously

OMG - oh my God

On fleek - on point or executed really well

ORLY - oh really?

OTP - the fictional couple you think were meant to be together

Peak - unfortunate

Pls or plz - please

PPL - people

RAK - random act of kindness

ROFL - rolling on the floor laughing

RT - retweet

RUOK - are you okay?

Skl - school

Safe - reliable or good person

SSDD - same stuff, different day

Savage - cool

Sick - fantastic/cool

Slay - doing really well

Squad - their friend group

SMH - shaking my head

Snatched - same as 'on fleek'

SRSLY - seriously

Straight fire - something is hot or trendy

Swear - are you serious?

TBH - to be honest

TIA - thanks in advance

TMI - too much information

TMRW - tomorrow

To be down/pumped for something - excited to do something

Truss - I agree

TTYL - talk to you later

Turnt/turnt up - same as 'lit'

TY or TU - thank you

Ur - your/you're

V - very

YAS - enthusiastic version of yes

You da real MVP - thanks for doing a mundane but important task

YW - you're welcome

Wag1 or wagwan - what's up?

WB - welcome back

Woke - highly aware of social issues

ZOMG - oh my God

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200 secret words kids are using online which all parents need to know about

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Police have issued a list of 200 words children are using to talk secretly online which they believe are a 'cause for concern'. The list includes secret codes, phrases and hash tags which refer to a series of topics including sex, suicide, drugs and meeting up with people.

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Link between social media and depression

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Link between social media and depression

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social media and depression: link might be stronger in girls - cnn

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Social media and depression: Link might be stronger in girls

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The magnitude of an association between social media use and depressive symptoms appears to be much larger for teen girls compared with teen boys, a new study finds.

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Meet Google Drive - One place for all your files

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Google Drive is a free way to keep your files backed up and easy to reach from any phone, tablet, or computer. Start with 15GB of Google storage - free.

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Shift responses versus support responses

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Shift responses versus support responses

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A good friend of mine lost her dad some years back. I found her sitting alone on a bench outside our workplace, not moving, just staring at the horizon. She was absolutely distraught and I didn't know what to say to her. It's so easy to say the wrong thing to someone who is grieving and vulnerable. So, I started talking about how I grew up without a father. I told her that my dad had drowned in a submarine when I was only 9 months old and I'd always mourned his loss, even though I'd never known him. I just wanted her to realize that she wasn't alone, that I'd been through something similar and could understand how she felt.

But after I related this story, my friend looked at me and snapped, "Okay, Celeste, you win. You never had a dad, and I at least got to spend 30 years with mine. You had it worse. I guess I shouldn't be so upset that my dad just died."

I was stunned and mortified. My immediate reaction was to plead my case. "No, no, no," I said, "that's not what I'm saying at all. I just meant that I know how you feel." And she answered, "No, Celeste, you don't. You have no idea how I feel."

She walked away and I stood there helplessly, watching her go and feeling like a jerk. I had totally failed my friend. I had wanted to comfort her, and instead, I'd made her feel worse. At that point, I still felt she misunderstood me. I thought she was in a fragile state and had lashed out at me unfairly when I was only trying to help.

But the truth is, she didn't misunderstand me at all. She understood what was happening perhaps better than I did. When she began to share her raw emotions, I felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I defaulted to a subject with which I was comfortable: myself.

I may have been trying to empathize, at least on a conscious level, but what I really did was draw focus away from her anguish and turn the attention to me. She wanted to talk to me about her father, to tell me about the kind of man he was, so I could fully appreciate the magnitude of her loss. Instead, I asked her to stop for a moment and listen to my story about my dad's tragic death.

From that day forward, I started to notice how often I responded to stories of loss and struggle with stories of my own experiences. My son would tell me about clashing with a kid in Boy Scouts, and I would talk about a girl I fell out with in college. When a co-worker got laid off, I told her about how much I struggled to find a job after I had been laid off years earlier. But when I began to pay a little more attention to how people responded to my attempts to empathize, I realized the effect of sharing my experiences was never as I intended. What all of these people needed was for me to hear them and acknowledge what they were going through. Instead, I forced them to listen to me and acknowledge me.

Sociologist Charles Derber describes this tendency to insert oneself into a conversation as "conversational narcissism." It's the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking and to turn the focus of the exchange to yourself. It is often subtle and unconscious. Derber writes that conversational narcissism "is the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America. It occurs in informal conversations among friends, family and co-workers. The profusion of popular literature about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life." Derber describes two kinds of responses in conversations: a shift response and a support response. The first shifts attention back to yourself, and the second supports the other person's comment. Here is a simple illustration:

Shift Response
Mary: I'm so busy right now.
Tim: Me too. I'm totally overwhelmed.

Support Response
Mary: I'm so busy right now.
Tim: Why? What do you have to get done?

Here's another example:

Shift Response
Karen: I need new shoes.
Mark: Me too. These things are falling apart.

Support Response
Karen: I need new shoes.
Mark: Oh yeah? What kind are you thinking about?

Shift responses are a hallmark of conversational narcissism. They help you turn the focus constantly back to yourself. But a support response encourages the other person to continue their story. These days, I try to be more aware of my instinct to share stories and talk about myself. I try to ask questions that encourage the other person to continue. I've also made a conscious effort to listen more and talk less.

Recently, I had a long conversation with a friend of mine who was going through a divorce. We spent almost 40 minutes on the phone, and I barely said a word. At the end of our call, she said, "Thank you for your advice. You've really helped me work some things out." The truth is, I hadn't actually offered any advice; most of what I said was a version of "That sounds tough. I'm sorry this is happening to you." She didn't need advice or stories from me. She just needed to be heard.

This excerpt was taken from We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter, by Celeste Headlee. Headlee is the host of the daily news show On Second Thought on Georgia Public Radio.

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The Mistake I Made With My Grieving Friend

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A good friend of mine lost her dad some years back. I found her sitting alone on a bench outside our workplace, not moving, just staring at the horizon. She was absolutely distraught and I didn't know what to say to her. It's so easy to say the wrong thing to someone who is grieving and vulnerable.

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The effect of social media on our children

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The effect of social media on our children

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Stress, anxiety, eating disorders, general bad feeling.

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Stress, anxiety, eating disorders, general bad feeling.

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Do you feel stuck in your life?
Do you feel out of control with food, alcohol or drugs?
Do you feel distracted and preoccupied by your thoughts?
Do you feel depressed, stressed and anxious a lot of the time?
Do you feel overwhelmed with grief and don't know how to resolve it?
Do you feel filled with emotions and don't know what to do with them?
Do you feel unhappy in your relationships and need a more effective way to communicate?

Help is available.
There is a way out.
Peace of mind is possible.

If you are struggling with stress, anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors, grief, relationships or communication and would like to see if we are a good match, please browse my website and feel free to contact me. Having battled and overcome severe addictions, depression and anxiety myself, I am honored to share all of the tools and tips that helped me recover. It is one of my greatest passions in life to help others.

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Do you feel stuck in your life? Do you feel out of control with food, alcohol or drugs? Do you feel distracted and preoccupied by your thoughts? Do you feel depressed, stressed and anxious a lot of the time? Do you feel overwhelmed with grief and don't know how to resolve it?

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Also applies to other bad thoughts situations.

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Get to Know Your Strengths

The VIA Survey of Character Strengths is a free self-assessment that takes less than 15 minutes and provides a wealth of information to help you understand your best qualities. VIA Reports provide personalized, in-depth analysis of your free results, including actionable tips to apply your strengths to find greater well-being.

Activate Your Strengths

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VIA Character Strengths Survey & Character Reports

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Do you know your character strengths? Once you do, you'll be empowered to face life's challenges, work toward goals and feel more fulfilled, personally and professionally. Take the free personality assessment test from the VIA Institute on Character so you can discover your strengths today.

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TEDxBloomington - Shawn Achor - "The Happiness Advantage: Linking Positive Brains to Performance"

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Does this sound familiar? Your teenage son is taking forever in the bathroom (again), but you need him to get ready so you can get to work on time. You're thinking, "How could I have raised such an inconsiderate kid? He's so disrespectful!" Meanwhile, your child is locked in the bathroom, consumed with his image in the mirror. He's thinking, "No way am I going to school with this pimple on my nose." Outside in the hallway, you start pounding on the door, yelling at him to hurry up. He screams, "God, you just don't understand! Leave me alone!" When he finally emerges, he gives you the silent treatment. Not only that, he's missed the bus, so you have to drive him to school. You end up late for work and completely overwhelmed, wondering, "Why doesn't my kid listen to me? Does he have to fight me on everything?"

Distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense-which of course only causes more conflict.

You and your teen: two different worlds, two different perspectives-and a giant disconnect that can make communicating a real mystery. As a therapist and the mother of three teenagers myself, I know firsthand that the more you push your kids, the more they get defensive and dig in their heels; they become reactive in the form of explosiveness or shutting down. And they're thinking, "My parents don't have a clue, so what's the point of trying to explain myself? I'll just tune them out." Clamming up or exploding are both ways your teenagers attempt to manage their stress and defend themselves. That's because distance and explosiveness are often the only ways your teen knows how to communicate when things get intense-which of course only causes more conflict.

Here are 5 secrets that I've found to be really helpful personally for communicating with kids through the difficult adolescent years.

1. The secret to opening your child's ears: Here's a simple secret that will help you in everything you do with your teen: No matter how hard it might be, try to start all interactions with your child with understanding, even if you don't fully agree or even quite comprehend what they're talking about. Here's an example: Your teenage daughter is not doing her schoolwork, and instead is online with friends chatting. It drives you crazy because you're thinking, "If she fails another test, her average will go down and she'll never get into college. What kind of future will she have?" Your teen, on the other hand is thinking, "I have to get online and talk with Skyler. If we don't make up after the fight we had in the hall today, all the other girls will be against me and I'll have no one to hang out with at school tomorrow." Again, two different worlds.

Try to start by saying, "I understand how difficult it is for you when you have a fight with one of your friends. I also know that you need to pass this test tomorrow. Schoolwork is your job and it's your responsibility to do it to the best of your abilities. Let's sit down and think of a good way you can manage your time tonight." Be sure not to say "I understand, but..." which will simply disqualify what you've just said. Start from a place of understanding, and try to put yourself in your child's shoes first before telling her what needs to change. I've found that doing this tends to "open kids' ears." Instead of feeling like they have to defend themselves against you, they actually listen.

2. Take the emotionality out of the equation. Emotion is your enemy when you're trying to get through to your teen. Remind yourself that what he says and does is not a reflection on you. You may not like how he's behaving-or even how he's thinking-but keep your emotions out of it, even if his behavior impacts you. I'm not saying this is an easy thing to do; it's tough, but it's a skill you can learn just like any other. In fact, I tell parents to repeat this slogan to themselves before talking to their kids: "This is just like a business transaction; it's nothing personal." When you really think about it, there's no reason to be mad at your child for being himself. He may be making a poor choice, but the truth is, he might not yet have the skill set to make a better one. So your job is to help guide him to better choices so he can in turn develop a better skill set. When you realize what your job is as a parent, it will help you be less emotional. When you feel frustrated, remember, don't take it personally. Tell yourself that this is simply a problem to solve, and part of "parenting business as usual."

3. Ask curious questions...not loaded questions. Ask your teen for his ideas and be collaborative. Let him see that you believe in him and that you're not mad at him for struggling in his life. When you let him see that you have faith in his abilities and he has the space to work things out on his own, you will begin to develop true confidence in him. Don't ask loaded questions that put your child on the defensive like, "Why can't you get up on time? What's wrong with you?" Instead, try opening a conversation with, "Eli, do you have any ideas for how you might get up on time?" If he says he doesn't know, offer a few of your own and ask which one would work for him. Let your teen know that his problems are his to solve. Don't step into his "box." Rather, you are there to help him figure out solutions-and to let him deal with the natural consequences of his behavior.

Your goal is to help your child think for himself, which will in turn help him feel like he has some control over his world. Listen openly to what he says and ask him to think critically about each choice. What will work and what will be problematic about each decision? What would be the natural consequences of each choice-and how would he feel about dealing with that?

4. Don't be needy; stand on your own two feet. Don't "need" your teen's cooperation, validation, or good behavior. As soon as you need something from your child so that you can feel better, you have put yourself in a vulnerable position because he does not have to give it to you. When you need something and don't get it, you will naturally try harder by controlling and manipulating more. And your teen will become more and more defiant or passively compliant-neither of which is good.

The truth is, you don't need anyone else to prop you up. You can validate yourself and solve your own problems. So if your child is acting out, that's his problem. Your problem is to decide how you will choose to behave toward him. That's in your hands, not his. Ask yourself, "How do I want to act, no matter how he is acting? What can I put up with and what can't I?" Take back your power and say to yourself, "If my child is screaming at me, instead of needing him to stop, I can turn around and walk away and not engage." Let him know you won't talk with him until he can approach you with civility. Here's the truth: when you aren't trying to get your child to change or shape up, you will be able to think of better choices for yourself. And your child will be less defiant because he will have no one to resist. When you're not trying to control him and you're not reacting to him, he will have to wrestle with himself rather than with you.

5. Don't do anything until you're both calm. Another rule of thumb is to avoid doing anything until you and your child have both calmed down. The fact is, you don't have to respond to your child when you are upset, or when your child is upset and in your face. You just don't. You can say nothing. You can take a few minutes or more if you need to. When emotions have evened out, you can sit down and talk with him. It's never good to try to bring up a difficult subject or resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. So if either you or your child is upset, pause and come back when you can address things in a calmer way.

If you attempt a conversation with your child and he's rude or out of line, that's when you have to hold on to yourself and make sure you don't get dragged into a fight. If your relationship with your child is such that it's impossible to have an open, respectful conversation at this point in time, remember that it's still your job to stay firmly planted. Have a slogan that you say to yourself like, "I'm not going there no matter what." If you can do that consistently, over time the baiting and antagonism should calm down. And don't feel badly if you get pulled back in occasionally-staying strong isn't easy. The good news is that the more you refuse to engage, the easier it will get to stay calm.

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Secret to Communicating with Teenagers | Empowering Parents

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Does this sound familiar? Your teenage son is taking forever in the bathroom (again), but you need him to get ready so you can get to work on time. You're thinking, "How could I have raised such an inconsiderate kid? He's so disrespectful!"

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Parenting Tips, Advice, & Help | Empowering Parents

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Everyone needs some parenting advice once in a while. Visit Empowering Parents to read articles from child behavior experts and connect with other parents.

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Johanna Smith & Veronique Mathy

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Hands On Approach to Stress and Anxiety - November 27, 2018

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Hands On Approach to Stress and Anxiety - November 27, 2018

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Johanna Smith & Veronique Mathy

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Hands On Approach to Stress & Anxiety (1)

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RESOURCES, RELIEF & RESULTS
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Addressing Stress & Anxiety - October 23, 2018

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Addressing Stress & Anxiety - October 23, 2018

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Anxiety and Stress in Children and Teens - UNIBAS

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Links to Recording '20/'21

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I had a black dog, his name was depression

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Students with autism often need to take a break from the demands of the classroom. from www.shutterstock.com

In our series, Better Teachers, we'll explore how to improve teacher education in Australia. We'll look at what the evidence says on a range of themes including how to raise the status of the profession and measure and improve teacher quality.
Students with autism often present unique challenges to schools, and teachers can often find it difficult to meet their needs effectively.

Internationally, around 1 in 68 children are now diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD). ASD is a developmental disability that can cause significant social communication and behavioural challenges.

A recent study found that among the 934 parents who were surveyed, approximately 77% had children on the spectrum attending mainstream schools.

It also found that, in general, teachers only felt slightly confident in their ability to support students with autism, while parents were even less certain of teachers' confidence to teach their children with autism.

Teachers, then, need to have a better understanding of autism and how it may affect learning. They also need help putting appropriate strategies in place.

Impact of autism on a student's life

Every person on the autism spectrum is unique and their needs will be reflected differently.

Challenges experienced interacting socially and communicating with others are common among students on the spectrum, and will have an impact on every aspect of their lives.

These challenges can lead to levels of stress, anxiety and depression that are much higher than for other students. Up to 72% of students on the autism spectrum have additional mental health needs.

Classrooms are social environments that rely heavily on being able to interact, socialise and communicate with others effectively. This can intensify the stress, anxiety and depression students on the spectrum may experience.

This can present unique challenges for schools and teachers, with students on the spectrum being four times more likely than their peers to require additional learning and social support services.

Research shows the importance of understanding the link between academic learning and social and emotional competence.

A lack of social-emotional competence can lead to not only a decrease in a student's connection with school, but also academic performance.

This reinforces the notion that social-emotional learning has a critical role to play in learning, as well as in school attendance, classroom behaviour, and academic engagement for all students.

The heavy focus on academic aspects of the curriculum and the demand for data-driven accountability that schools are required to address often result in the focus on social and emotional learning and mental health being overshadowed or pushed to one side.

Misinformation around inclusion

Inclusion is about being proactive in identifying the barriers learners encounter in attempting to access opportunities for quality education, and then removing those barriers.

It is about meeting the needs of all children to ensure they get a quality education and have the opportunity to reach their potential.

Often assumptions are made that "inclusion" means students need to be in mainstream classrooms at all times. When inclusion is interpreted in this way, students may be unable to access adjustments that adequately address and meet their needs.

The implementation of any adjustments need to be tailored to the students' individual needs.

Schools also need to be careful not to run the risk of overgeneralising, as students with autism can be as different from each other as any other students.

Students on the spectrum often need time away from other students and the demands of the mainstream classroom. The frequency with which this needs to happen will be based on the individual needs of the students involved, and where they go in these situations would be dependent on the school setting.

Doing this would help them to not only manage the social and sensory challenges of the school environment, but also the stress and anxiety they can experience.

Ideas for teachers

During the survey, students with autism made some suggestions as to how teachers could better support their needs.

They suggested that it would be useful if teachers could help them cope with change and transition by simply reminding them when a change was looming.

They also asked to use a tablet or laptop to help with school work, instead of handwriting. This can help students on the spectrum overcome many of the motor skill difficulties that make handwriting difficult.

Giving students a copy of instructions or information that their teacher writes on the board may also help.

Students with autism can find tasks requiring a lot of planning and organisation such as managing assignments, participating in assessments, navigating learning tasks, and completing homework extremely difficult.

This can have a negative impact on their cognitive, social and academic ability.

Schools could allow older students to take photos of these instructions using their mobile phone or tablet.

Having a quiet space to complete their assessments and getting assistance with organising themselves and the social aspects of school were also raised as important strategies.

How to better support students

There are a number of barriers to providing better and appropriate support to meet the educational needs of students with autism.

These include: funding, lack of knowledge and training, lack of specialist support staff and time, lack of appropriate resourcing and class sizes.

Funding can impact on the amount of resourcing, support and specialist staff available to teachers to help individualise their approach. Funding and resources vary from state to state and school to school.

Teacher training and experience in autism will vary.

In the Australian Autism Educational Needs Analysis, the majority of teachers (89%) and specialists (97.5%) who participated had received professional learning or specific training related to students on the autism spectrum.

Teachers and specialists working in the field need to feel adequately supported to meet the needs of these students, and this support must be ongoing.

The use of flexible and individually tailored educational approaches is crucial. This requires that teachers have an array of adjustments and resource options which can be implemented both in and outside of the classroom environment.

Input from a multidisciplinary team that includes educational specialists and allied health professionals should also be available.

It is not enough to give teachers professional development on autism. They need additional help from appropriate specialist staff to put adjustments in place that fit within the context of their classroom and school.
* Read more articles in the series

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Supporting students with autism in the classroom: what teachers need to know

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In our series, Better Teachers, we'll explore how to improve teacher education in Australia. We'll look at what the evidence says on a range of themes including how to raise the status of the profession and measure and improve teacher quality.

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Be A Man: Joe Ehrmann at TEDxBaltimore 2013

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How parents, teachers, and schools can better understand young men: a conversation with Rosalind Wiseman about her new book, Masterminds and Wingmen.

Jim Young / Reuters

Before Rosalind Wiseman's 2002 book Queen Bees and Wannabes was published, her agent asked if she would talk to a woman named Tina Fey. Wiseman, a new mother, "had no idea who she was," but after a short conversation agreed to sell Fey the film rights to her book, which dissected the complex social world of teenage girls. Two years later, Mean Girls hit theaters, an entertaining and spot-on illustration of the capacity of high school girls to inflict emotional pain on each other. With the success of the film, Wiseman became known as an expert on children, giving lectures to parents and educators on bullying, parenting, and ethical leadership around the world.

Her latest book, Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World tackles Boy World. With two sons of her own, Wiseman began to notice ways that adults would ignore or reinforce stereotypes about teenage boys' social world. Her new book was written with the help of more than 200 teenage boys who vetted her information and contributed their own experiences. ( The Guide: Managing Douchebags, Recruiting Wingmen, and Attracting Who You Want is her companion manual, written specifically for the boys). I spoke with Wiseman about the best way for parents and teachers to communicate with boys, what the biggest myths are about popular boys, and why all boys are so often misunderstood.

After the popularity of Mean Girls, a lot of attention has gone toward the dynamics of Girl World. Why is Boy World less understood?

We have a very hard time seeing the signs of how and when boys want to talk to us. We also have a hard time-even though we think we don't-acknowledging that boys have deep emotional lives. We believe that because we can't see it, it's not there.
How do parents and teachers perpetuate the negative aspects of Boy World?
In so many different ways, we box boys in. We're not aware of it. Boys say it's good to have a female friend-if something bad happens with a girl, or if you break up with your girlfriend, it's much easier to talk to a girl about it than even your closest male friends. I just talked to a high school boy about how important it is to have girls that are friends. He broke up with his girlfriend, was overwhelmed, and realized it was a terrible mistake. His heart was broken and he didn't know what to do. He was a football player and wanted to talk to his closest friends, but he said that they just wanted to talk about hooking up. They didn't talk about their relationship problems. So he made evening plans to go to dinner with a very close female friend. As he walked out the door, his mother barraged him with questions about it. She assumed he wanted to hook up with this other girl. She thought he didn't care about his girlfriend, that he wants a hookup.
So his mom reinforced the stereotype about guys just going after sex.
Right. Even his own mother doesn't realize that her son needs a strong relationship with a girl-and that he's going out with this girl to bare his soul, to get relationship advice. We are allowing these stereotypes to shape the way we look at boys and their relationships with other people.
Fathers can also contribute to a macho culture.
The thing that really disturbs me is that there are so many wonderful dads, who want the best for their sons, who aren't having conversations with their sons about healthy relationships or acknowledging that they will fall in love. Falling in love in high school is a huge adrenaline rush-it's got intense highs and lows. Your heart can break, you can be betrayed. It's horrible, and you don't know what to do, or you wonder if you'll ever have a girlfriend. These are things that all boys struggle with, but even really good dads don't have conversations that acknowledge that experience.

And then there are a lot of other fathers whose relationship advice is limited to this type of scenario (told to me by the boys themselves): A very attractive 18-year-old woman walks by and the dad nudges his son and says, "Go get that."

Great young men want to have rich emotional lives, but everywhere they turn, people are forcing them to live the stereotype of being a sexist, not-caring, emotionally disengaged, superficial guy. It's amazing because we turn around and get angry with them when they go over the line, without acknowledging what we do as adults that stifles and silences and shuts boys up from being emotionally engaged people.

What about schools? What role do they play in all this?

It's such an enormous question. But enough to say that much of how our educational system is structured-from the way boys are taught academics, to the lack of training we give teachers to be ethical competent authority figures who not only know their subject matter but are engaging educators, to the way the minority of boys who do abuse power so often regularly get away or are disciplined in a way that only shows how powerless the adults are to truly hold them accountable, all too often schools are the place boys learn that the overall culture they will grow up in restricts their creativity and makes it as difficult as possible to come into their masculinity in healthy ways.
What are the rules that govern Boy World and how are they different from Girl World?
The similarity is that verbal power is held high in both groups. If you can put someone down really fast or defend yourself verbally, that's a commodity, a real value. What boys do is they're much ruder about it. They do it more directly.
You talk about how boys are often at a loss when they're faced with highly verbal girls.
They pretend they don't mind it. They learn from an early age that whatever is going on around them isn't a problem. After years of convincing themselves that everything's fine, it's really difficult for them to recognize when things are not fine, when things are over the line. It goes right from young boys unable to say, "What's happening is not fine" to boys at a party seeing a girl who's drunk with four guys around her, and the boys conditioned to not acknowledge the potential danger that's in front of them. They don't see what they need to do to stop it until it's too late. If we're constantly dismissing or ridiculing their right to have emotional lives, why would they want to do it? At a certain point they shut down.
I interviewed Donna Freitas But while it's important to have conversations with boys about their relationships, you think it's a bit misguided for adults to sit boys down to talk about their feelings. So what's the best way to get them to open up? for The Atlantic earlier this year, and she says that in campus hookup culture "our most at-risk population seems to be young men"-specifically because they aren't encouraged to communicate their feelings about relationships.
I completely agree.

This is where people jump down my back, saying, "Oh, you want boys to sit in a circle and talk about their feelings?" Anybody who works with boys knows that's a stupid way to spend your time. Crickets chirp, it's horrible. Instead, it's about role modeling healthy relationships with whoever you're in intimate relationships with. We are so hypocritical in the way we live versus what we say to boys. We lack credibility. The most important thing is to have arguments well. To treat people with dignity when you're angry with them. And not trying to control people when you're angry. Boys are extremely sensitive to that. They know which people in their lives use power and dominance to control people when they're angry. The best that you can hope for is that the boy experiences that and thinks, "I'm not going to be like that." It's like the anti-mentor.

You write about a hypothetical scenario where a mother is chauffeuring a group of boys who begin to tease each other. One of them refers to another guy as "retarded." What's your advice for parents in this situation?

Boys tease and use put-downs as an important part of their social glue. It's not always negative-if you take it away, they have very few ways to interact with each other. So it's about differentiating. It's totally fine for boys to tease, to give each other crap, but it's not okay for them to use particular words to get someone to shut up. "Gay," "faggot," and "pussy" are the shorthand ways to do this. It's the way to marginalize someone. Even with advances in gay rights, it's still the way they do it.

So this just happened: I was driving a group of 10-year-old boys who started using these words. I had to practice what I preach-I turned and said, "You are not going to use those words to put people down." They got crazy uncomfortable, my son didn't like it. I asked, "Are we good?" It took 15 seconds and we went back to listening to the radio.
Boys often hear these jokes and know they're wrong but don't know how to stand up to their friends.
It's not a fight that they can fight. It's too difficult for them. The power imbalance is so strong, so intense in that moment. The boy eventually needs to learn how to do that, but most adults can't even do it. How many times have adults been to a party where someone says some racist or sexist joke and no one says anything? So to expect a 10-year-old to do it is a little much.
You write from the perspective of a mother and your book includes advice specific to mothers and fathers. What advice do you have for single-parent households?
There are a lot of different types of parents today. It's a complex issue. I've seen parents who are married but the mother or father is so undermined by the spouse that it's so much worse. To have a single parent who lays down the rules and expectations is way better than to have a parent who is undermined by the other parent. I'm not saying that being a single parent is easy. But we don't credit how dysfunctional married relationships sometimes are.
What are the most critical challenges parents and teachers face now as opposed to 10 or 20 years ago?
It's easy to be overwhelmed with the technology that boys are interacting with all the time. I totally understand that. But I think the conversations we should be having with boys are the same: Conflict is inevitable, you're going to need to speak your truth when it's really uncomfortable, you're going to see somebody abuse power. Reacting to someone who grabs your tricycle when you're five is different from when you're at a party and have to speak out against your friend who's about to rape a drunk girl-but those are the moments. Those are the moments when who you are as a man counts.

Can you debunk any myths about popular boys?

We have stereotypes that the highest social status boys are having the most sex. And that they're having a particular kind of hookup-that they don't have heartbreak and only have random hookups, that they use girls. And that's not the case. Nor is it the case that lower social-status boys are sitting there hoping a girl hooks up with them. Adults make assumptions that, for example, the theater people are geeky, and they're not getting it on. In my experience, that's 100 percent not the case. Those people are very active, shall we say.
I brought this up with a male friend in his 30s, who completely disagreed. He still says the popular guys got all the girls.
No, they don't. Ask him if the guy in high school who played his acoustic guitar got any hookups. Really, the theater and band people are spending all their time together. It's a tight-knit group. Some of them will be good friends and some of them will hook up. The athletes, on the other hand, are spending much less time together. When the football team goes to an away game four hours away on the bus, that's a single-sex activity. When the band goes, it's co-ed.
As a mother of two boys, what have been your biggest surprises?
There's something every day. Here's one from this morning. My boys love to play hard-to-get with me. When I say "Come here and kiss me before you go to school!" my 10-year-old will run away to his bike, as fast as he can, laughing the whole time. For me, in that moment, I wonder: Why can't I just have a kid who wants to kiss me goodbye? But I have to realize that from the boys' perspective, that was the bonding. The bonding wasn't the kiss; it was "I'm going to run away from Mommy."
So we need to be more attuned to the ways they express themselves?
Exactly.
This conversation was edited for length and clarity.

We want to hear what you think about this article. Submit a letter to the editor or write to letters@theatlantic.com.

Hope Reese is a writer and editor based in Louisville, Kentucky. She writes for The Boston Globe, The Chicago Tribune, and Vox. Her website is hopereese.com.

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How parents, teachers, and schools can better understand young men: a conversation with Rosalind Wiseman about her new book, Masterminds and Wingmen. Before Rosalind Wiseman's 2002 book Queen Bees and Wannabes was published, her agent asked if she would talk to a woman named Tina Fey.

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Credit... James Yang

At a Father's Day breakfast, my 5-year-old son and his classmates sang a song about fathers, crooning about "my dad who's big and strong" and "fixes things with his hammer" and, above all else, "is really cool."

Now, there's nothing wrong with most of these qualities in and of themselves. But when these lyrics are passed down as the defining soundtrack to masculine identity, we limit children's understanding not just of what it means to be a father but of what it means to be a man - and a boy, as well.

When fathers appear in children's picture books, they're angling for laughs, taking their sons on adventures or modeling physical strength or stoic independence. There is the rare exception in children's books where a father baldly demonstrates - without symbolic gestures - his love for his son (a few are " Guess How Much I Love You" and " Oh, Oh, Baby Boy!"). Just as women's studies classes have long examined the ways that gendered language undermines women and girls, a growing body of research shows that stereotypical messages are similarly damaging to boys.

A 2014 study in Pediatrics found that mothers interacted vocally more often with their infant daughters than they did their infant sons. In a different study, a team of British researchers found that Spanish mothers were more likely to use emotional words and emotional topics when speaking with their 4-year-old daughters than with their 4-year-old sons. Interestingly, the same study revealed that daughters were more likely than sons to speak about their emotions with their fathers when talking about past experiences. And during these reminiscing conversations, fathers used more emotion-laden words with their 4-year-old daughters than with their 4-year-old sons.

What's more, a 2017 study led by Emory University researchers discovered, among other things, that fathers also sing and smile more to their daughters, and they use language that is more "analytical" and that acknowledges their sadness far more than they do with their sons. The words they use with sons are more focused on achievement - such as "win" and "proud." Researchers believe that these discrepancies in fathers' language may contribute to "the consistent findings that girls outperform boys in school achievement outcomes."

After visits to the emergency room for accidental injuries, another study found, parents of both genders talk differently to sons than they do to daughters. They are nearly four times more likely to tell girls than boys to be more careful if undertaking the same activity again. The same study cited earlier research which found that parents of both genders used "directives" when teaching their 2- to 4-year-old sons how to climb down a playground pole but offered extensive "explanations" to daughters.

Even boys' literacy skills seem to be impacted by the taciturn way we expect them to speak. In his book "Manhood in America," Michael Kimmel, the masculine studies researcher and author, maintains that "the traditional liberal arts curriculum is seen as feminizing by boys." Nowhere is this truer than in English classes where, as I've witnessed after more than 20 years of teaching, boys and young men police each other when other guys display overt interest in literature or creative writing assignments. Typically, nonfiction reading and writing passes muster because it poses little threat for boys. But literary fiction, and especially poetry, are mediums to fear. Why? They're the language of emotional exposure, purported feminine "weakness" - the very thing our scripting has taught them to avoid at best, suppress, at worst.

Women often say they want men to be emotionally transparent with them. But as the vulnerability and shame expert Brené Brown reveals in her book, "Daring Greatly," many grow uneasy or even recoil if men take them up on their offer.

Indeed, a Canadian study found that college-aged female respondents considered men more attractive if they used shorter words and sentences and spoke less. This finding seems to jibe with Dr. Brown's research, suggesting that the less men risk emoting verbally, the more appealing they appear.

Such squelching messages run counter-intuitively to male wiring, it turns out: Guys are born more emotionally sensitive than girls.

For three decades the research of Edward Tronick explored the interplay between infants and their mothers. He and his colleagues in the department of newborn medicine at Harvard Medical School discovered that mothers unconsciously interacted with their infant sons more attentively and vigilantly than they did with their infant daughters because the sons needed more support for controlling their emotions. Some of their research found that boys' emotional reactivity was eventually "restricted or perhaps more change-worthy than the reactivity of girls," Dr. Tronick noted in an email. Mothers initiated this - through physical withdrawal.

"So the 'manning up' of infant boys begins early on in their typical interactions," Dr. Tronick said, "and long before language plays its role."

Judy Chu, a human biologist, conducted a two-year study of 4- and 5-year-old boys and found that they were as astute as girls at reading other people's emotions and at cultivating close, meaningful friendships. In her book "When Boys Become Boys" she maintains that by the time the boys reached first grade, sometimes earlier, they traded their innate empathy for a learned stoicism and greater emotional distance from friends. Interestingly, they adopted this new behavior in public, exclusively, but not at home or when their parents were around.

Why do we limit the emotional vocabulary of boys?

We tell ourselves we are preparing our sons to fight (literally and figuratively), to compete in a world and economy that's brutish and callous. The sooner we can groom them for this dystopian future, the better off they'll be. But the Harvard psychologist Susan David insists the opposite is true: "Research shows that people who suppress emotions have lower-level resilience and emotional health."

How can we change this? We can start, says Dr. David, by letting boys experience their emotions, all of them, without judgment - or by offering them solutions. This means helping them learn the crucial lessons that "Emotions aren't good or bad" and that "their emotions aren't bigger than they are. They aren't something to fear."

Say to boys: "I can see that you're upset," or ask them, "What are you feeling?" or "What's going on for you right now?" There doesn't have to be any grand plan beyond this, she says. "Just show up for them. Get them talking. Show that you want to hear what they're saying."

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Talking to Boys the Way We Talk to Girls (Published 2017)

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At a Father's Day breakfast, my 5-year-old son and his classmates sang a song about fathers, crooning about "my dad who's big and strong" and "fixes things with his hammer" and, above all else, "is really cool." Now, there's nothing wrong with most of these qualities in and of themselves.

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Try to talk one-on-one at times when you're son doesn't have other things vying for his attention.

I have noticed that as a society we seem to be much more focused on how to communicate with our teen girls than our adolescent boys. In fact, I feel parents often put much less effort into talking with their teen boys. That's too bad, because I must tell you that teen boys experience a variety of tender and confusing feelings, just as girls do.

It's my hope that we can do better in reaching out to our boys to open channels of communication. The boys will appreciate it, and your relationships with and understanding of your boys will grow exponentially. This will take some work, but it will be well worth it.

We know that teens who have better communication with their parents also have more satisfying relationships. Additionally, teens who communicate well with their parents are less susceptible to peer pressure and tend to make healthier decisions.

So, how does a parent improve communication with a teen boy? Here are some tips:

Teach your son the vocabulary of emotion. Help him verbalize if he's frustrated, disappointed, embarrassed, angry or experiencing other emotions. Even if you haven't raised your son to talk about his emotions, it's never too late to start. Explicitly talk about emotions you or your teen experience. Over time, your son will begin to use the same words you do to give a more nuanced account of what he's experiencing. More precise descriptions will result in you understanding your son better. When he feels understood he will likely communicate more frequently. After all, who doesn't want to be understood?

Keep in mind that teen boys feel hurt sometimes, just as teen girls do. They get dumped. They get cut from teams. They get disappointing grades. They get sad, and they get angry. They need to talk about it as much as girls do. With this in mind, please make ample attempts to engage your teen son in conversation. A teen boy's silence does not indicate that he has nothing to talk about. Once you get your son talking, keep him talking by listening calmly and without judgment. He will appreciate that.

Talk one-on-one. Try to talk with your teen son when it's just the two of you and there's no audience. Try talking to him in the car, right before bed when he's more relaxed and even when he's listening to music. The goal is to initiate conversation when your son isn't in the middle of studying or some other stressful activity. Transition times and relaxing times are your best bet.

I have learned over the years that teens who don't want to talk right after school, for example, are much more amenable to talking when they're sleepy. Please try to the best of your ability to keep your teen's stories to yourself. You want him to trust you, right?

Don't ever assume you know what your teen son is feeling. Honestly, the worst thing you can say to a teen of either sex is "I know you better than you know yourself." It's impossible for you to know your kids better than they know themselves. They are still figuring out who they are. These well-intended words will backfire, and your kids will tune out. Showing a straightforward interest rather than espousing assumptions is the way to go. Ask questions and listen to your son's answers without interrupting and attempting to rewrite your teen's narrative.

Teach your son that his feelings are not shameful. When he feels safe with you, he will be significantly more likely to engage in conversation. Your son will be grateful to have the opportunity to speak about his feelings and share his stories when he becomes aware that his feelings are acceptable and that he doesn't need to remain silent. Also, he will feel better when he's aware that he has a place to go to sort out his feelings.

10 Ways to Raise a Giving Child

Barbara Greenberg, Contributor

Dr. Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, is an expert on a range of subjects rela... Read more Dr. Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, is an expert on a range of subjects related to parenting, teens, communication, love, family and lifestyle. Dr. Greenberg began writing for U.S. News in 2017 and focuses on parenting issues. She specializes in the treatment of adolescents and advising their parents, and maintains a full-time private practice in Fairfield County, Connecticut.

Dr. Greenberg is the co-author of "Teenage as a Second Language - A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual." She writes a column for Psychology Today where she is referred to as "The Teen Doctor" and shares her advice regularly for several publications, including Yahoo Lifestyle, Reader's Digest, Real Simple and Your Teen Magazine. In addition, she has shared her expertise on a variety of shows and news programs, including "Good Morning America," Nightline, CNN, HLN, PIX-11, NBC, Investigation Discovery and WCBS Evening News.

Born in New York City, Greenberg received a bachelor's degree from Brandeis University and a Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the State University of New York at Stony Brook. To learn more about her work, you can visit her website at drbarbaragreenberg.com, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram.

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How to Improve Communication With Teen Boys

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Try to talk one-on-one at times when you're son doesn't have other things vying for his attention. I have noticed that as a society we seem to be much more focused on how to communicate with our teen girls than our adolescent boys.

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What Parents of Early-Teen Boys Need to Know

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New research shows where boys lag behind girls in early adolescence. Here are steps parents can take to support them.

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Hi, I'm Kara!

I'm a busy mom of 4 boys and I know that raising boys isn't for the weak! I love connecting with parents of boys and sharing parenting resources, activities, recipes and more to make raising boys just a bit easier.

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Hi, I'm Kara! I'm a busy mom of 4 boys and I know that raising boys isn't for the weak! I love connecting with parents of boys and sharing parenting resources, activities, recipes and more to make raising boys just a bit easier.

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Feel like you're losing yourself in the process?
You hate to see your child upset, frustrated or sad and don't always know when to step in. You want to give your child everything you didn't have. You want to nail this parenting thing. You want to do it "right."
Sound familiar? Problem is, parenting doesn't come with a manual or even a fancy little troubleshooter. There isn't even an app for it.
While we cannot spare our child the pains of socialization, heartbreak - or even school woes - we can raise a child that understands how to cope.

How to be more resilient.
How to define + create their own success.
How to be happy.

There's also a crucial piece to this puzzle and that piece is you. The greatest model a child has is you. And yes, I mean model and not teacher. This is truly a show, not tell game. So you have to be good to yourself.

Kind to yourself.
Supportive to yourself.
Chasing after your own goals + dreams yourself.

You need a place with structure and support to create the relationship you want with your child + build the life you want for yourself.
Because who we are is what our children become.
That's why I focus on creating happiness for you and your child. This is where it all begins and this is how you create a family legacy that's happy, connected, and fulfilled.

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Di Ana Pisarri - Certified Coach- My vulnerability is my strength

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Feel like you're losing yourself in the process? You hate to see your child upset, frustrated or sad and don't always know when to step in. You want to give your child everything you didn't have. You want to nail this parenting thing. You want to do it "right." Sound familiar?

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Intro to Nurtured Heart Approach (Extended)

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Igniting greatness - the Nurtured Heart Approach: Sarah How at TEDxFargo

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In this talk, Sarah How highlights the significance of rethinking relationships related to the messages children receive daily. As a school psychologist, children's author and adoptive mother, she shares her passion for intentional relationships and illustrates the Nurtured Heart Approach®, created by Howard Glasser, as a method for living more intentionally and helping children grow strong on the inside.

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Variety of topics

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When girls do have limited, adult-free time with one another, said Hurley, she's not surprised that it's often fraught with exclusion, triangulation, fighting or avoidance. The solution to these challenges is not more adult intervention, but rather more encouragement and opportunities for girls to tackle these problems on their own. "Our need to have all the solutions as parents is very high right now," said Hurley, and that is backfiring.
Listen and Ask Questions
When Hurley asks her patients what they want from their parents, the response is almost always the same: "Listen and ask questions."

"As parents, we are not great listeners," said Hurley, "We are very busy, constantly trying to multitask. And we are often disconnected from kids because we are connected digitally."

When kids come to us with a problem, we tend to bounce between extremes -- either dismissing their concerns as "no big deal" or jumping in to solve their problems for them. Both take less time than the alternative: guiding and supporting them as they solve their own problems.

"They need to know that it's totally acceptable and normal to struggle at times," said Hurley, "and we want them to come to us with their concerns. But we need to remember that parenting is about guidance, not controlling."

In the height of emotion -- often immediately after school ends when they are tired and hungry -- girls sometimes "go into survival mode and use language at home that is more traumatic than what is really happening at school." If parents match that level of emotion, they can intensify the situation.

For example, says Hurley, if your child shares an unkind comment she heard on the playground, don't respond with, " 'That kid is mean -- stay away from her!' That ends a friendship potential and doesn't give your daughter room to work it out." Instead, stay calm, gather information, and respond empathetically, using phrases such as, "This sounds hard. Can you tell me more about it?" or "Sounds like you had a rotten day. I understand. I have had those days, too."

"Once they have vented and are not so tense inside their bodies, then you can start to brainstorm together," said Hurley. Revisit the problem when they are calm and rested, allowing them to stay in the driver's seat. For instance, if the struggle is whom to play with at recess, encourage them to "zoom out" and reflect on the big picture, perhaps drawing a map of the playground. Where does she go? What does she like to do? What activities do other kids do at recess? What's one thing she wants to try tomorrow?
Practice Bravery
When girls think up a strategy they want to try -- such as asking a new person to play and joining a new activity at recess -- they also need to muster the courage to test it out. And that isn't always easy.

"I have girls in my office who are petrified of taking risks," said Hurley. "Perfectionism is on the rise, fear of failure is on the rise. Girls are socialized to be pleasers. That is a mistake. Girls should be socialized to be brave."

It starts with our language. When young girls start climbing on the playground, do the adults reflexively say, "Be careful"? As parents, said Hurley, we can deliberately communicate the message, "We take risks to practice being brave." For some girls, risks might look like climbing a tree and, for others, it might look like saying hello to someone new. Free time in nature, on the playground, on unstructured playdates, and with open-ended play materials provides an organic classroom for girls to strengthen their courage muscles and test their ideas.

They "need the time and space to try and fail again and fail again and fail again," said Hurley. "When we step in and solve their problems for them, what we really communicate is, 'I'm afraid you can't do it well enough, so I'm going to do it for you.' and that starts fear of failure.' Step back, let them make choices."
Teach Assertive Communication
Part of courage is finding one's "brave voice," said Hurley. Girls often confuse assertive communication with aggressive communication and then default to the other extreme: passivity. Assertive communication -- including making eye contact, speaking in a clear, calm voice, and listening patiently to others -- communicates self-respect and respect for the other person.

Families can make a game out of teaching assertive communication skills, said Hurley. "Host little presidential debates in your home. Run for 'Queen of the Kitchen.' Make a speech. Have a family debate night." When your child wants something, ask them to write a speech and give you her best persuasive argument.

Practice yields dividends. "When girls get in the habit of being assertive, it feels good," said Hurley. "They feel like people want to listen to them. They say, 'My teacher is calling on me more. My friends are listening to ideas.' They feel more self-confident. And when one girl stands up and is more assertive, others start to do that as well."
Model Resilience
"One of the best gifts parents can give their kids is the gift of their failures," said Hurley. Tell your children stories about times you've tried and failed and bounced back. Our stories shape children's understanding of how the world works. According to , children who hear stories about how family members and ancestors overcame obstacles are more resilient in the face of challenges.

These stories can serve as an important reminder to parents as well: We became stronger by facing challenges and overcoming them. We learned by doing -- and so will our kids. "As parents, we cannot micromanage everything," said Hurley. "They've got to learn how to have these conversations with friends. We can give them language and we can role-play, but let girls do things on their own. They are capable, and they have really good ideas."

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Helping Young Girls Find Their Voice While Developing Friendships

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When girls do have limited, adult-free time with one another, said Hurley, she's not surprised that it's often fraught with exclusion, triangulation, fighting or avoidance. The solution to these challenges is not more adult intervention, but rather more encouragement and opportunities for girls to tackle these problems on their own.

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Parenting boys, girls,...

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Compassion coach, psychotherapist and author of Gems of Delight, Lisa inspires delight, compassion & connection to flourish in our hearts, homes and world.

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I'm Renee Jain, the founder and Chief Storyteller here at GoZen! Growing up, I was always worried. At five years old I begged my parents to let me sleep with my brother's yellow plastic bat because I was so worried that when I went to sleep, a robber would break in. I know all too well what it's like to live with anxiety as a child.

As I grew up, I continued to struggle until one day I had a panic attack in my office. As I lay gasping for breath, I decided enough was enough. I wasn't going to let anxiety control my life any longer. I spent several years investing time in self-education, talk therapy and then a master's in psychology. Through both formal education and personal experience, one very clear truth emerged: Resilience is a skill.

While some of us are born more resilient, others simply need to master this ability with practice (and, yes, it can be practiced)! We can help kids cultivate basic coping techniques to overcome anxiety as well as life skills to find meaning, purpose, and engagement in their lives.

While I can't go back in time to help little Renee, I founded GoZen! in order to help a new generation of kids, parents and therapists. Peace is within reach--it comes from strength that lies within all of our children.

If you want to learn more, you can explore GoZen! programs and products here.

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Providing Skill Sets To Every Anxious Child - About GoZen! | GoZen!

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I'm Renee Jain, the founder and Chief Storyteller here at GoZen! Growing up, I was always worried. At five years old I begged my parents to let me sleep with my brother's yellow plastic bat because I was so worried that when I went to sleep, a robber would break in.

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