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Publisher's blurb: "With It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we help others who have endured tragedy. Having experienced grief from both sides—as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner—Megan writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss, love, and healing. She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal, "happy" life, replacing it with a far healthier middle path, one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it."

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print, ebook, and audiobook format; available on the Libby App in ebook and audiobook format

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Book: How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies

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Book: How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies

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Publisher's blurb: "Mourning the death of a loved one is a process all of us will go through at one time or another. But whether the death is sudden or anticipated, few of us are prepared for it or for the grief it brings. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person's response to loss will be different. Now, in this compassionate, comprehensive guide, Therese A. Rando, Ph.D., bereavement specialist and author of Loss And Anticipatory Grief, leads you gently through the painful but necessary process of grieving."

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print format

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Up (2009) is a Pixar film following an elderly widower who ties balloons to his house and he (and his house) set out on an adventure to South America, fulfilling a promise made to his late wife. Deals with themes of loss and grief.

This is a family-friendly film
Rated-PG
Genre: comedy-drama

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in DVD format

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Video: We Don't "Move On" From Grief. We Move Forward With It

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Video: We Don't "Move On" From Grief. We Move Forward With It

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TEDWomen talk given by Nora McInerny in 2018. McInerny speaks on dealing with grief and how to live with it.

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Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it

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In a talk that's by turns heartbreaking and hilarious, writer and podcaster Nora McInerny shares her hard-earned wisdom about life and death. Her candid approach to something that will, let's face it, affect us all, is as liberating as it is gut-wrenching. Most powerfully, she encourages us to shift how we approach grief.

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A simple story about overcoming the fear and loneliness that results from the separation from a parent.

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print format

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My Dog Skip (2000) follows a young boy and his dog, Skip, in 1940's Mississippi. It deals with themes of loss and grief.

This is a family-friendly film
Rated-PG
Genre: comedy-drama

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in DVD format

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This book addresses the unknown, fear, and sadness surrounding death in a way for children to understand.

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print format

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Article: Talking With Children About Death

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Article: Talking With Children About Death

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Article published on the Center for Parenting Education website about how to have conversations with children about death.

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Your five-year-old daughter tearfully enters the house with a dead bird in her hand.

Your beloved family pet dies.

Your eleven-year-old son's favorite soccer coach dies suddenly.

Your children's favorite aunt dies after fighting breast cancer for several years.

Some children face significant losses such as the death of a parent or sibling that are dramatic and life changing. However, for most families, children are introduced to death through the less traumatic examples mentioned above.

Opportunities for talking with children about death can present themselves in many of life's big and small moments. As a parent how do you help your child or teen when he/she confronts a death?

There are numerous experts in the field of death and grief. They write about helping children deal with losses resulting from death. Drawing from ten years of working with grieving families and the wealth of literature available, the following helps parents who want to know more about how to support and guide children through grief.

Be Honest

We want to protect our children from painful things. That's our job as parents. When a death occurs, it's natural to want to protect them, perhaps by shielding them from what has occurred. However children usually learn the facts in one way or another, overhearing adults, other kids talking, or in some cases television.

Children are people-readers. They can feel your emotions. They can know if you're not telling the truth. When children don't feel that they are being told the truth, they are left to invent their own truth. Or, left wondering why their parent isn't being up-front with them.

Joy Johnson writes in her book Keys to Helping Children Deal with Death and Grief, "the best way to protect a child is not to pretend a death didn't happen, that grief isn't real. The best way to protect a child is to give them the keys to coping with grief, to walk through it with them, answering questions honestly and allowing them to be a part of this vital family event."

Share Your Feelings

Just as we feel a need to protect children, our children are protective of us. Children will model the behavior they observe from the adults around them. Children look to their parents for cues about grieving - from how to talk about the death, to what emotions are acceptable.

For example, by talking about a deceased grandparent, you give your child permission to do the same. Sometimes parents want to hide their grief from their children, thinking that the sadness will upset them. Yet it's important for a child to know that it's acceptable to cry, feel angry, in other words, to grieve. As well, let your child know that all feelings are okay. They are not good or bad; feelings are just feelings, including sad, happy, angry, scared, guilt, relief, fear, confusion, etc.

Use Real Words

Use age appropriate language when talking to your child about death. Using words such as lost, she's just sleeping and even passed away, or passed on can be confusing to a young child. Especially "she's just sleeping" can cause a child to have nightmares.

When a young child asks what dead means, talk to them about the body no longer working. For example; when someone dies, everything inside the person stops. The heart stops. The breathing stops. They don't eat or go to the bathroom anymore. The thinking and feeling stops too. It does not hurt to be dead.

Answer Questions

The Dougy Center's publication, 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child, addresses the fact that kids learn by asking questions. "When they ask questions about a death, it's usually a sign that they're curious about something they don't understand. . . As an adult, one of the most important things you can do for children is to let them know that all questions are okay to ask." If you don't know the answer to a child's question, it's okay to say, "I don't know."

A child's understanding of death depends upon his developmental level. Young children, up to the age of six or seven, are not able to grasp the finality of death.

Therefore, it would not be unusual for a young child to talk about a deceased grandparent returning for her upcoming birthday. A parent's best response to her daughter's insistence that Pop Pop will return, is simply, Pop Pop is dead and he can't come back and that you miss Pop Pop as much as she misses him.

It is not unusual for a child to ask the same question or make the same statement several times. They need your patience in answering them each time as though it was the first time.

Understand Your Child's Developmental Stage

Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., author of Healing the Bereaved Child, speaks to the fact that children mourn in doses - or on an intermittent basis.The apparent lack of feeling witnessed at times is a normal defense reflected in their inability to tolerate acute pain for long periods of time.

For example, a child might share an emotional scene of what it was like when her mom died, and then several minutes later, be engaged with a group of kids laughing and playing basketball.

Children ages 6 - 11

In the book, 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child, The Dougy Center reports that children, ages 6 to 11-years of age understand the finality of death. They may ask more detailed questions about the death and are able to have a more grown-up understanding of what death is. However, they still tend to "play out" rather than talk through their feelings around a death.

Teenagers

The teenage years themselves are a grief experience. Teens are experiencing the loss of their childhood - no more cuddling and getting read to and played with.

Yet they have not reached adulthood where they make their own decisions.

Consequently, they will turn to their peers for support.

Given the natural egocentrism that accompanies adolescence, teens may also be wrapped up in their personal emotional response to a death.

Teens are also focused on the meaning of life questions, and need to address the "why" questions about death.

Talk About and Remember the Person Who Died

Again, children look to the parent for cues regarding grieving. Bringing up the name of the person who died is one way to give children permission to share their feelings about the deceased. It reminds them that it is not taboo to talk about the deceased. Sharing a memory has a similar effect.

As well, it helps children understand that although Aunt Sue is dead she lives on in the wonderful memories that the family can talk about and share with each other. Though it may be hard for adults, children often benefit from photos and/or mementos around the house. For example, a piece of jewelry or an old shirt to sleep in can be comforting.

Maintain Consistency and Routines

When a death occurs life can feel chaotic, unsafe and unpredictable. Therefore, it is important to continue established routines; it brings children comfort and can help make them feel safe.

Parents often wonder whether a child, son, daughter or grandchild should attend a funeral of a family member. Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D., suggests that children should be encouraged to attend and participate in funerals, but never forced. Most children handle attending services very well.

If parents were close to the person who has died, they may want to appoint a family friend to accompany the child so that the parents can focus on the service.

Explain What Will Happen

If the child wants to attend the funeral, a parent can help by explaining what will happen, before, during and after the ceremony.

If the body is to be viewed, let the child know in advance.

Explain what the body and casket will look like.

If the body is to be cremated, explain what cremation means and what happens to the ashes.

Remind the child that because the person is dead he doesn't feel pain or anything during the cremation.

Letting the child know that people will be crying and laughing and sharing memories of the dead person is also helpful.

Explain Why We Have Funerals

Help children understand why we have funerals: that it is a time of sadness because someone has died, but it is also a time to remember the person and help comfort and support each other.

It Can be Healing for a Child to Participate

Finally it can be extremely comforting for a child or teen to take part in the funeral ritual. A child may want to share a favorite memory or read a special poem as part of the funeral. Other ways for children to be included in the service are by lighting a candle or placing a special memento, note or photograph in the casket.

The Language of Funerals

Following is "The Language of Funerals" from Healing the Bereaved Child, that parents may find helpful when preparing a child to attend a funeral.

Ashes:
What is left of a dead body after cremation. Looks like ashes from a fire.

Burial:
Placing the body, which is inside a casket into the ground.

Casket:
A special box for burying a dead body.

Cemetery:
A place where many dead bodies are buried.

Cremation:
Reducing the body by heat to small pieces of bone.

Dead:
When a person's body stops working. It doesn't see, hear, feel, eat, breath,etc., anymore.

Funeral:
A time when friends and families get together to say goodbye and remember the person who died.

Funeral Home:
A place where bodies are kept until they are buried.

Grave:
The hole in the ground where the body is buried at the cemetery.

Hearse:
The special car that takes the dead body in the casket to the grave at the cemetery.

Obituary:
A short article in the newspaper that tells about the person who died.

Pallbearer:
The people who help carry the casket at the funeral.

Viewing:
The time when people can see the body of the person who died.

Finally, our hope is that the information we have provided gives you the tools to help your child along the path of grieving. As Alex Amar, an Abington Memorial Hospital Hospice Social Worker and a grief counselor with her own private practice, aptly puts it: grieving is a family affair.

Children learn about all aspects of life by their parents' examples and dealing with a loss is no exception. As children learn healthy grieving from their parents, they grow up to be strong, compassionate and loving adults.
Contact Information:
Safe Harbor, a program for grieving children, teens and their families

Abington Memorial Health Center

Schilling Campus, Pennwood Building, 4th Floor,

2500 Maryland Road, Willow Grove, PA 19090

215-481-5983

email: safeharbor@amh.org
<additional Online Resources dealing with death <recommended books about discussing death <books to read with your children about loss and grieving <all our recommended parenting books <return to top of page <additional articles about healthy communication <Library of Articles topic page

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Your five-year-old daughter tearfully enters the house with a dead bird in her hand. Your beloved family pet dies. Your eleven-year-old son's favorite soccer coach dies suddenly. Your children's favorite aunt dies after fighting breast cancer for several years. Some children face significant losses such as the death of a parent or sibling that are dramatic and life changing.

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Lost in the Clouds follows Billy and his father who are dealing with the loss of Billy's mother. A metaphor about Billy's mother being "in the clouds" is used to help the reader understand what death means.

**Available at the Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print and ebook format, and on the Libby app in ebook format.

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Article published on the Good Grief website regarding signs of grief to look for in children.

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When a child suffers the loss of a loved one, often their grieving goes unnoticed. Many people are only familiar with the "five stages of grief;" however, grief is not a linear experience, especially in children. Children display emotions differently than adults. Grief for kids is both emotional, intellectual, social, and physical. A child's level of understanding, reactive behaviors, and needs will all vary depending on their age.

The problem with child grief stages, like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 Stages (now debunked), is that they are about death and dying. David Kessler's 6 Stages also assume that a linear path can be followed. But grief is cyclical, organic, and depends on many variables. In other words, grief cannot be contained to some tidy stages.

To truly help a child suffering a loss, first understand what grief looks like in children.

Different Levels of Understanding

Some adults wrongfully assume that young children do not comprehend death. While some young children may not understand the permanence of death, their level of understanding grows as they age. For example, children five and younger may not clearly remember the person who has died, fully understand death, ideas about an afterlife, or temporary versus permanent absence. However, they will still experience grief, have needs, and express grief through their behaviors.

Children begin to understand that death is permanent between ages six and nine and can develop fear, guilt, and blame. At ages 10-12, practical questions may be asked about death and how it will affect their family. From ages 13-18, children have a complete understanding of death and can begin to worry about themselves. They can also question religion, philosophical beliefs, and even doctors.

Reactive Behaviors

As all children are affected by death, it can alter their behavior. Often, negative words and actions are misdirected, which is how child grief can go unnoticed. At any age, aggression can occur. However, as children get older, acting out becomes common while grieving, whether in school, at home, or with friends. It's crucial to identify out of character behavior, address why it is happening, and present alternative methods to cope. Grief behavior is not limited to "bad" or discouraged behavior. Grief behavior includes being the "golden child," too.

The Needs of a Grieving Child

As a child's caregiver, or supportive adult relationship, it's vital to encourage healthy coping methods. For children of any age, the following are always beneficial:

Honesty while answering questions about death

Proactive ways to express feelings (grief programs, art, writing, etc.)

Reassurance, validation, and listening of feelings

Continued emotional support and encouragement

Ways to Help a Grieving Child

While there are no stages of grief for a kid, there are still ways to help a grieving child. To ensure a child never feels alone while grieving, reach out to Good Grief. We offer a community-based peer support model that teaches coping strategies, communication skills, and assistance with mental and physical health.

To learn more about Good Grief, contact us online.

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Child Grief Stages - They're Not the 5 You Think | Good Grief

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To truly help a child suffering a loss, the first step is to debunk child grief stages and understand what grief looks like in children; it's different than in adults. Read more in our blog.

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Article published on the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center website about coping with grief and things to remember while dealing with loss.

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Coping With Grief: 7 Things to Remember When Dealing with Loss

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When grief feels unbearable, use these tips to help stay grounded.

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This book helps children understand that death is a natural part of life and that feelings of grief and loss about this are normal.

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print and ebook format; available on the Libby App in ebook format

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Publisher's blurb: "Just before dawn on a Sunday morning, three teenage boys go surfing. While driving home exhausted, the boys are involved in a fatal car accident on a deserted road. Two of the boys are wearing seat belts; one goes through the windshield. The doctors declare him brain-dead shortly after arriving at the hospital, but his heart is still beating.

The Heart takes place over the twenty-four hours surrounding the resulting heart transplant, as life is taken from a young man and given to a woman close to death. In gorgeous, ruminative prose, it examines the deepest feelings of everyone involved as they navigate decisions of life and death."

**Available at Seattle Public Library (SPL) in print, large print, and ebook format; available on the Libby App in ebook format

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NPR article providing tips on how to talk to children about death; firsthand experience from the author.

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My (Anya's) house is full of little reminders of Aunt Nancy.

When she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer two years ago, she was so unflinching about what that meant, so clear about how to use her remaining time. She made plans to see her grandnieces in between treatments, and she passed along little items sure to delight them, like a gilded old mustard tin full of embroidery thread, beads and other saved-up treasures.

At the end of April, we got word she was on home hospice care. We planned a last visit. Times being what they are, it took place over Zoom. Nancy sat up in bed, glasses looking owlish on her gaunt face. There was everything and nothing to say. Then my 3-year-old proposed a cuddle. On opposite sides of the screen, we merged into one family hug.

A week later she was gone.

The Jewish rituals of mourning are premised on presence. You show up, bearing food, to bring comfort when words are no good. We drove to my mother-in-law's house - Nancy's big sister - for the first time since the lockdown began, setting our gifts of baked pasta, cookies and challah in the garage. We sat on the lawn, 6 feet apart, wearing masks. The girls played in the garden.

The United States has marked the horrible milestone of over 100,000 deaths from the coronavirus. How do we find the words to confront this kind of loss? How do we help our children do the same, especially without access to the kinds of rituals and gatherings that may have given comfort in the past?

Back in 1983, the show Sesame Street offered some help in what would become one of the show's most famous episodes. It was broadcast on Thanksgiving Day, when show executives knew grown-ups would be home watching with their kids.

The show's writers were responding to the real-life death of Will Lee, the actor who played Mr. Hooper, the grandfatherly figure who ran Sesame's corner store. They could have written his character a happy ending, but they decided to confront the truth head-on.

"Mr. Hooper's not coming back," one of the adult cast members, Susan, told Big Bird. All the adults were there, gathered in a semicircle.

"Why not?" Big Bird asked.

"Big Bird, when people die, they don't come back," Susan told him.

"Ever?"

"No. Never."

"Well," Big Bird said, his voice fluttering with fear and confusion, "why not?"

What followed is a master class in how to talk with young children about death. We revisited that episode with Rosemarie Truglio, a developmental psychologist and the senior vice president of curriculum and content at Sesame Workshop, and together we distilled it to a handful of useful takeaways for parents.

1. Be honest and concrete.

When it comes to describing the w hat of death to kids - what exactly happens to our bodies and what that means - Truglio says it's important to be straightforward. That's because children often struggle to grasp death's permanence. And parents only complicate matters when they resort to euphemisms. In fairness, we do this to soften the blow for kids, but Truglio says euphemisms can confuse and even scare children

"Passed away. We're sorry for your loss. Went on a long, long journey." Truglio says each of these phrases sends the wrong message to kids. The dead don't pass, get lost or pack a bag and start walking.

Especially problematic are the words parents often use, as mine (Cory's) did, when a pet is euthanized.

"We put the dog to sleep. That's a really big one," Truglio says, explaining that this is how kids hear those words: "If you're telling me now that the dog went to sleep and is not going to wake up and died, well, I go to sleep every night. Am I going to die?"

Instead, Truglio says, be perfectly clear:

"When you die, your heart stops. Your body stops working. You don't eat. You don't breathe - to give more concrete information about what is the meaning of death," Truglio says.

2. Take things slowly.

Kids process death in bits and pieces, over time, Truglio says. Don't sit them down once, overwhelm them with information and expect them to internalize it all.

Parenting a child through death requires patience and persistence. You may explain, clearly and in concrete terms, that Grandma has died and, three days later, be asked, "When's Grandma coming back?"

Truglio says a hospice social worker who specialized in talking with children about death once likened this process to the way a child eats an apple:

"They take a bite, maybe two bites, then put it down," Truglio says. "That's probably how they're going to experience death as well. They're gonna take a couple of bites. They're gonna go on with their lives. And then they're gonna come back, and they're gonna take a couple more bites."

3. It takes a village.

Often, the death of a loved one can be destabilizing for a child, not simply because that person will no longer be in their lives but because it can stir deep fears of being alone or abandoned. That's why, Truglio says, when a child is mourning, make sure the child knows "that there are many people in their lives - there are grandparents, there are aunts, there are uncles, there are some really, really good friends who are like family."

In short, Truglio says, kids need to be reassured: "You will always be cared for."

4. Grown-ups, it's OK to cry.

One of the most powerful moments in Sesame Street's half-century history came as actor Bob McGrath, who played a music teacher on the show, took his turn consoling Big Bird.

"You're right, Big Bird. It'll never be the same around here without [Mr. Hooper]. But you know something?" McGrath said through tears, his voice halting. "We can all be very happy that we had a chance to be with him and to know him and to love him a lot when he was here."

It was a remarkably tender and honest display of emotion between an adult - who was, in fact, mourning his friend and colleague - and the childlike Big Bird. And this, Truglio says, sent a powerful message to parents and kids alike.

"It's important for children to see us grieve," Truglio says. "We're gonna cry, and I think that you need to explain why you're crying. This isn't gonna be just a one-time event."

That's especially true if you, the parent, are mourning the death of someone close to you. This will be a long process. Showing emotion and explaining the feelings that underlie those emotions help prepare children for future moments when you may, again, feel overwhelmed by grief.

5. The funeral rule.

For the time being, many funerals are being postponed or held online or are limited to immediate family members. This may make it easier for parents who struggle with whether to bring children. When it comes to funerals, Sesame's Truglio has this advice: Give kids a choice.

"You should never say, 'You have to do this,' or make them feel guilty if they choose not to participate," Truglio says. "You need to give them that wiggle room. You can't force them."

But tell them what to expect, whatever they choose. So, if you're going to a funeral with an open casket, explain what that will mean. Again, be clear and concrete. Then let the child decide if she thinks she's ready for that.

In my (Anya's) family, a rabbi came to my mother-in-law's yard to say a few words while a few dozen mourners watched on Zoom from different parts of the country. The girls were able to join for about 20 minutes, and when they got fidgety, we simply urged them off camera.

6. Keep the hope alive.

Finally, Truglio says, it's important to convey to your child that "life is going to go on. We're going to be OK. It's a tough time right now, but we have things to look forward to."

One activity she recommends is having your child trace her hand on a sheet of paper and, for each finger, ask her to list something that she's looking forward to. It could be camping in the backyard or baking a favorite dessert. The point, Truglio says, is to keep the hope alive.

The folks at Sesame Street did this beautifully with Big Bird. At the end of the emotional Mr. Hooper episode, Big Bird sits quietly in his oversize nest. Suddenly, he's visited by the show's grown-ups, who introduce him to a new baby on the street.

Big Bird is thrilled by the visit, fawns over the baby and then drops this famously hopeful last line: "Gee, you know what the nice thing is about new babies?" Big Bird asks. "One day they're not here, and the next day, here they are!"
Resources: Sesame Street in Communities (SSIC) - Helping Kids Grieve
SSIC Offering Comfort
SSIC Self-Care Listen to all of Life Kit's For more Life Kit, This story was originally published on April 26, 2019. sign up for our weekly newsletter. Parenting: Difficult Conversations episodes.

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Be Honest And Concrete: Tips For Talking To Kids About Death

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Whether it's a family pet or a loved one, every child will experience a death at some point - and their parents will likely struggle to explain it. We revisit the Mr. Hooper episode of Sesame Street, which provides a master class in talking about death and grief with young children.