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Finding relevant, interesting content to post to my bulletin board was a learning experience for me.  I learned something new from each article that I posted, and while I tried to cover many of the concepts that we discussed in class, I did notice that some themes arose over the course of the semester.  While all of my Padlet posts were unique, many of them were either focused on relationships or Christian sexuality issues.  I attempted to connect content from the readings and lectures with my Padlet posts, however, they still gravitated more toward my own interests.

I covered several sexuality issues from a Christian perspective.  One of the articles discussed the idea of Christians not being called to have amazing sex.  It argued, rather that sex is meant for connection between a husband and wife, not enjoyment.  Another article discussed one Christian woman’s negative experience with remaining abstinent until marriage.  She felt as if she had lost her identity along with her virginity after getting married.  Another post explored various Christian women’s decisions to have abortions.  The women shared their reasons for going through with the abortions, as well as the effects that they experienced as a result.

We had discussed all of these issues in class: abortion, abstinence, and sex within the context of marriage.  Therefore, they did coincide with the material that we went through in class.  However, I believe that I chose several different issues relating to sexuality from a Christian perspective, because this was the component of the class that I enjoyed the most.  I loved having the opportunity to explore the good and bad sides of sex from a Christian viewpoint because, prior to this class, I did not think that sex and Christianity could be discussed openly alongside each other.

Some other issues that I talked about frequently on my Padlet had to do specifically with relationships and relationship patterns.  One of the posts argued that sex has become much more easily accessible.  Because less commitment is required for sexual encounters these days, the authors argued that marriage rates have gone down as a result.  Another post addressed how the Internet has changed the scripts for cheating in society.  Since social media is relatively new in terms of widespread use, there are less standards for what is considered permissible communication for individuals in relationships.  Another one of my Padlet posts stated that diversity in marriages today is due in part to the differences in the way that people meet.  Many people choose to meet romantic partners online now, which expands their social circles beyond those that are similar to them.  I also posted an article that assessed the impacts of marital infidelity on children involved.  It broke down the impacts by age, and it also noted any long-term effects that children experienced in relationship patterns as adults.  Additionally, I included an article that listed instructions on how to address one’s sexual past with a new partner.  Finally, I posted a video from a popular television show in which married couples seek out another wife to integrate into their families.

We did not specifically focus as much on relationship dynamics and patterns in this class, although we did touch on them briefly.  Most of my Padlet posts related to relationships were reflective of my own interests.  I was interested to see how the changing sexual standards may have contributed to commitment patterns in our society today, as well as how the Internet has transformed dating.  The video addressing sister wives was also personally interesting to me, as I watched the show on television once and was fascinated by the dynamics of the relationships.  For me personally, relationship dynamics interested me the most, because I have always wanted to understand them fully due to personal experiences and family experiences that have left me with questions.

I had a few more Padlet posts that did not really fall into a specific category with one another.  One addressed toxic masculinity, one discussed sex surrogacy, and one dove into rape statistics and influences on the reporting of rapes and sexual assaults.  I did not intentionally seek out the article about sex surrogacy.  I was searching for articles to post, and I found it interesting, so I included it.  However, I included the article referencing toxic masculinity, because I had just recently realized that this phenomenon in society had a name.  After I learned about it, I realized how often I saw examples of it, so I thought that it was important to include.  Additionally, I included the article about why victims of rape and sexual assault keep quiet, because we discussed sexual coercion in class.  I felt that some of our conversation missed the reasons that contribute to why victims keep quiet rather than trying to bring justice to the perpetrator.  Therefore, I posted it to expand upon what we did discuss in class.

I did not have as much diversity in terms of what types of media I chose to post on my Padlet.  Most of my Padlet posts included articles from magazines or blogs, although I did include two videos, as well.  This reflected a personal bias on my part, as I enjoy reading about issues more than I like watching discussions about them.  Although I saw examples in everyday life that I could have chosen to talk about on my Padlet, it was much more simple to pull articles from the Internet to include.

Some biases did exist in some of the content that I posted.  The most obvious and prevalent biases were related to faith, as many of the articles addressed sexuality issues from a Christian perspective.  However, this was intentional, as I was able to construct my own theology of sex and expand my own views from reading some of the articles that I included.  The Christian bias that I integrated was meant for my own personal spiritual growth as I wrestled with some of these issues.  The only other very obvious bias that I noticed was in the article about ‘cheap sex’ and the marriage decline.  The author was a man, who placed the majority of the blame on women regarding less strict sexual standards in society.  He believed that women expect less in terms of commitment, therefore, men engage in sexual encounters without any intention of committing.  In the long-term, he argued, this contributes to fewer and fewer marriages in society.

Overall, many of my articles did coincide with content that we discussed in class.  However, I did tend to hone in on issues that I found more personally compelling.  While I could have branched out more regarding my Padlet posts, I am glad that I did not.  The posts that I did include expanded my perspectives on sex and sexuality and helped me to consider important issues that I had not addressed prior to this class.  The posts were very informative for me on an individual level, and I really enjoyed having the opportunity to build my bulletin board up over the course of the semester.

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In this article, the author discusses a book written by sociologist, Mark Regnerus. Regnerus argues that cultural norms surrounding sexuality and marriage have shifted drastically, leading to a decline of marriage in America. He believes that, as a society, we view sex as having much less cost in terms of emotional investment than we have in the past. He points out that since sex has become more of a commodity in our culture, most people, especially men, have lost the motivation to pursue any long-term commitment.

Do you agree with Regnerus? Or do you think that there are other societal and individual factors that have contributed to this overall decline of marriage?

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Thanks to cheap sex, marriage may be doomed.

The share of Americans ages 25-34 who are married dropped 13 percentage points from 2000 to 2014. A new book by sociologist Mark Regnerus blames this declining rate on how easy it is for men to get off.

Regnerus calls it "cheap sex," an economic term meant to describe sex that has very little cost in terms of time or emotional investment, giving it little value.

Regnerus bases his ideas, in part, on the work of British social theorist Anthony Giddens, who argued that the pill isolated sex from marriage and children. Add online pornography and dating sites to the mix and you don't even need relationships.

The result is "two overlapping (but distinctive) markets, one for sex and one for marriage, with a rather large territory in between comprised of significant relationships of varying commitment and duration," Regnerus writes in " Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy " (Oxford University Press).

In generations past, women generally made men wait until marriage to have sex. To get a wife (and, therefore, sex), men had to be clean and presentable and have a good job. This, Regnerus reasons, gave men all the motivation they needed to become respectable members of society.

Now with porn on demand and greater reproductive freedom, sex is a commodity available at any time. This has left men with little motivation for marriage, writes Regnerus, who cites demographer Steven Ruggles' prediction that one of every three people in their 20s will never marry.

'Sex has become free and easy. This is today's version of the opiate of the (male) masses.'
- psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs

Regnerus blames cheap sex for the decreasing education and employment rates among men as greater numbers of women get college degrees and enter the labor force. Six percent more women than men in the 25-34 age group have a bachelor's degree.

Regnerus backs this theory up with a quote from social psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs, who study this phenomenon. "Nowadays young men can skip the wearying detour of getting education and career prospects to qualify for sex," they write. "Sex has become free and easy. This is today's version of the opiate of the (male) masses."

Regnerus argues that while women have maintained their role as sexual gatekeepers, men control the marriage market. And given the ease with which sex can be accessed, Regnerus believes that men's motivations for marriage have all but disappeared. He surveyed 15,000 people and found that among unmarried respondents under 40, "for every 82 men who wished to be married, 100 women said the same."

This ratio, he says, keeps ultimate relationship power in the hands of men. "To plenty of women, it appears that men have a fear of commitment. But men, on average, are not afraid of commitment," Regnerus writes.

"The story is that men are in the driver's seat in the marriage market and are optimally positioned to navigate it in a way that privileges their (sexual) interests and preferences. It need not even be conscious behavior on their part."

In turn, he writes, this leads women to settle, entering into doomed or otherwise unsatisfying marriages.

Regnerus even points to "Fifty Shades of Grey" to prove his point. In the book, Christian Grey gets Anastasia Steele to agree to a series of submissive conditions, including "any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable" by him, with no such power returned on her end. "I recognize that 'Fifty Shades' is fiction," Regnerus writes. "It's made up. But when you sell 100 million copies in two years, your narrative is resonating. There's something to it."

Meanwhile, many will go it alone. Self-love for men and women is at an all-time high. A 1992 study found that 29 percent of men (and 9 percent of women) masturbated at least once a week. In 2014, 49 percent of men (and 32 percent of women) confessed to doing it at least once in the previous six days. Unsurprisingly, "as frequency of [watching] porn increased, so did masturbation."

All of this, Regnerus concludes, means that as long as sex is so low-cost for men, heterosexual women will have increasing difficulties finding a partner worth committing to.

"In the domain of sex and relationships, men will act as nobly as women collectively demand," he writes. "This is an aggravating statement for women to read, no doubt. They do not want to be responsible for 'raising' men. But it is realistic."

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'Cheap sex' is making men give up on marriage

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Thanks to cheap sex, marriage may be doomed. The share of Americans ages 25-34 who are married dropped 13 percentage points from 2000 to 2014. A new book by sociologist Mark Regnerus blames this declining rate on how easy it is for men to get off.

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This article focuses on economists Josué Ortega and Philipp Hergovich interest in online dating's impact on marriages and relationships. They noted that, in relationships, we have a tendency to gravitate towards other people who are very similar to us.  However, they also found that online dating seems to create new social ties, opening us up to more diverse options for romantic relationships and marriages.  As a result Ortega stated, "We found that online dating corresponds with way more interracial marriages, and way stronger marriages, from a mathematics perspective." What do you think of Ortega and Hergovich's findings on online dating and social integration?

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While many have worried about the long-term potential of dating apps and sites, research suggests that such tools may actually be helping more people to get together in new ways, and for good.

In response to the rise of online dating, economists Josué Ortega and Philipp Hergovich recently set out to examine its effects on society as reflected in the data on how our marriages and relationships are forming. Ortega explained over Skype that while he'd been witnessing the trend all around him, he realized he "had no idea" what the experience or real-world impacts could be.

"I realized that all my students were using Tinder, which sounded to me like some kind of scam. I started reading about it, and was really surprised to find it's very popular in the UK and US, because there's this sense that Tinder and other platforms are just for hookups," Ortega said.

"When I came across the statistic that one third of marriages start online, and 70% of gay relationships, I was shocked," he said. "And the more I talked to people, the more I heard that they'd met their partners on Tinder and other sites."

After reviewing data on how various kinds of relationships were forming in the wake on online dating, Ortega said, "It seemed like it was changing not just the number of interracial marriages, but also how we meet our spouses, and having other big consequences."
See also: In North Carolina, Women Can't Legally Revoke Consent After Sex Begins
So Ortega, an economics lecturer at the University of Essex, and Hergovich, who's pursuing a PhD in economics at the University of Vienna, decided to test their hypotheses on how the internet has changed modern dating by crunching the numbers.

To investigate the effects of online dating over time, they developed a theoretical framework and mathematical models which harnessed previous such exercises, decades' worth of data, and good old game-theoretic stability. The team also sought to account for other potential factors, such as rising Asian and Hispanic populations in the US.

Using this framework, they then successfully demonstrated through 10,000 simulations that adding online dating to our traditional partnering patterns--which rely heavily on people we already know, and who are often ethnically similar to us--could help explain the recent greater-than-predicted rise in interracial marriages.
See also: Teen Childbirth Linked To Greater Heart Risks Later On
With the help of researchers and data hounds across several continents, they concluded, "When a society benefits from previously absent ties, social integration occurs rapidly, even if the number of partners met online is small ... consistent with the sharp increase in interracial marriages in the U.S. in the last two decades."

Based on 2013 data from the National Academy of Sciences, they also discovered that marriages created online were less likely to break up within the first year, while such partners reported a higher degree of satisfaction, too.

"We found that online dating corresponds with way more interracial marriages, and way stronger marriages, from a mathematics perspective," Ortega said.

Last month, the pair published their findings in an online article, entitled "The Strength of Absent Ties: Social Integration via Online Dating," through the electronic archive and distribution server arXiv. In the weeks since, the work has been gaining attention around the world, and brought the theoretical researchers into the spotlight.

Hergovich commented by email that as intriguing as he and his colleagues found their work to be, "none of us saw that [public attention] coming." He continued, "Working with a close friend is always fun, but the big media echo surprised me. When I saw our names in the print version of the Financial Times, I was absolutely stunned."

Ortega said their work has received media interest reaching from Australia and the UK to Japan and Peru, but that he's also seen a number of heartening, very personal responses to their findings. For example, he said, "I thought Tinder was mostly for really young people, but sometimes when I'm giving talks, others will come up to me and share their stories--a professor of around 70 recently told me he met his second wife on there."
See also: On Black Women's Equal Pay Day, We Remember That White Guys' Time Fetches 58 Percent More
It's worth noting, Ortega said, that such platforms have offered real advantages for those of us who have a hard time meeting people in real life, whether because of age, orientation, or disposition. That's been especially true for the queer community, he noted, and for older people looking for a partner.

Overall, Ortega said, we'd do well to stop thinking of dating apps and platforms as the digital flavor of the week, or something to be embarrassed about.

"Online dating is seen as too superfluous and trivial," he added, "and it has more important effects than most of us expected."

For many of us, at least, they seem to be happy ones.

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There's Now Evidence That Online Dating Causes Stronger, More Diverse Marriages

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While many have worried about the long-term potential of dating apps and sites, research suggests that such tools may actually be helping more people to get together in new ways, and for good.

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In this article from Relevant magazine, the author argues that the Christian conversation surrounding sex is flawed in today's society. She believes that we often think that remaining abstinent until marriage guarantees "reward sex" within the context of marriage. However, she points out that the purpose of marriage is not pleasure, but formation, meaning that many Christian couples will still struggle with sexual compatibility even after marriage. Do you agree with the author's ideas? Why or why not?

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Back in 2013, provoked by Elizabeth Smart's story Christians filled the Internet with discussions about sex-particularly abstinence education-so much that the Atlantic posted a summary of these debates in "Why Some Evangelicals Are Trying to Stop Obsessing Over Pre-Marital Sex."

Although these conversations are evidence that Christians are forming a more candid, holistic and theologically sound discourse about sex, an area that still needs more attention is the far-reaching effects of abstinence rhetoric on marriage.

While the movement is great at detailing- and exaggerating-the benefits of saving sex for marriage, it is dishonest about the challenges abstinence presents to couples who eventually tie the knot.

Jessica Ciencin Henriquez recently detailed how the abstinence movement affected her sex life and marriage in a revealing article titled, " My Virginity Mistake." Henriquez relays how she pledged herself to Jesus at a purity ceremony at age 14, remained a virgin until she married six years later, and wound up divorced after she and her husband could not make things work in the bedroom.

Looking back, Henriquez states if she had not insisted on waiting for sex until marriage, she could have prevented her divorce. The provocative subtitle of her article reads, "I took an abstinence pledge hoping it would ensure a strong marriage. Instead, it led to a quick divorce."

Henriquez's story is important because it highlights an issue the abstinence movement rarely acknowledges: sexual incompatibility within marriage. While this issue may seem irrelevant, it is actually fundamental to traditional Christian beliefs about sex. The fact that sexual compatibility does not matter to Christians when choosing a spouse makes the shocking and countercultural statement that sex is not our God. It indicates that we are willing to make a commitment to someone with whom we may be sexually incompatible, with whom we may never have good sex, because the purpose of marriage is not pleasure, but formation.

Our discourse about sex, however, tends to tell another story, a story that elevates sex to an inordinate degree. The abstinence movement, relying primarily on anecdotes, promises the young unmarrieds that if they save sex for marriage, they will have what Claire and Eli call " reward sex." In other words, sex will be everything they've dreamed it would be-electric, erotic, or, as Elisabeth Elliot, who helped initiate the movement with her book Passion and Purity, writes "unspeakably worth the wait." Not only are these promises incorrect, but they imply that the purpose of abstinence is good sex, not obedience to God and the cultivation of virtue.

This discourse is not confined to the unmarried, however. Once couples say "I do," for the rest of their lives, they are expected to have good sex and a lot of it. Christian publications are brimming with instructions on these two contradictory principles: sexual compatibility doesn't matter when selecting a spouse, but after marriage, couples are treated as if having good sex is part-and-parcel of the call to be a Christian. If you aren't having good sex, you are expected to go to your local Christian bookstore and choose from a variety of titles-ranging from the classic The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye to the more recent Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman.

In addition to misrepresenting the role of sex in a Christian's life, this discourse also smacks of an inferiority complex that wants to compete with mainstream culture's view of sex rather than modeling a rightly ordered sexual ethic to the world. For example, teachings on the Song of Solomon can range from using the book as a modern-day sex manual to a tool of manipulation to get women to acquiesce to inflated views of sex, such as a well-known pastor controversially enjoining women to perform oral sex because "Jesus Christ commands you to do so." These sort of teachings on sex indicate the spurious claim many Christians accept: that the call to be a married Christian includes within it an obligation to become a sex god or goddess.

Although Christians have recently been more honest about the realities of sex, such as Jake and Melissa Kircher, who admit sex is not what it appears in the movies, a celebrity pastor's recent appearance on The View demonstrates that Christians still contend with Hollywood's version of sex. Barbara Walters opens the segment with an alarming announcement: "It is a gospel you probably thought you would never hear from a man of the church: that the Lord wants married couples to have great sex, to have it often and even experiment in the bedroom."

While this discourse elevates sex so that it becomes an idol, it also ignores a real problem Henriquez addresses and that is likely to surface in Christian marriages because of our insistence on abstinence. What if, contrary to Elliot's experience, a couple's wedding night doesn't seem "worth the wait"?

The Kirchers have astutely suggested couples should expect to be sexually incompatible at first, but what should we say to couples who spend years, or even decades, trying to have good sex without success? How should we respond if a woman, like Henriquez, who obediently saved herself for marriage, finds herself feeling betrayed by the very principle she thought would give her a life of good sex and a happy marriage?

Although sex is indeed God's gift to us, Christians are not directly commanded by God to have great sex. Couples may find themselves incompatible in the bedroom, and they should not be bombarded with pressure from the Christian community to start having good sex and lots of it. Instead, they should find support and comfort-support that sex is not the only thing that makes a good marriage, and comfort that historically all Christians have been called by God to suffer through numerous trials.

Christians are, and should be, hopeful people. After all, we believe in the resurrection of the dead, heaven and miracles. Some couples may find themselves miraculously gifted with good sex well after their vows, and books such as the LaHayes' and Leman's have helped a lot of people in this area. But in this world we will certainly have trouble. The world and all who dwell in it are imperfect. Sex, too, is bound up with the world's imperfection. Some couples may spend their whole lives struggling with their physical relationship, and it is deceptive to teach that all Christians will, or are somehow biblically required to, have good sex.

Sexual incompatibility, therefore, is a cross that some couples bear, and Christian communities could lighten this burden if we made an effort to put sex in its rightful place. If sex were viewed as a gift that, like everything else in this world, is marred by sin, it may be easier for couples to accept that bad sex is neither a reason for divorce nor an excuse to stop investing in a marriage. As with other trials, bad sex is an opportunity to rejoice in suffering (1 Peter 4:13) and to be further conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:29).

Ultimately, putting sex in its proper place will encourage us to order God's gifts in the same way that church tradition teaches the ordering of love. All things, including sex, must be loved to the degree that is proper to the thing in question, with nothing superseding the love of God.

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Christians Are Not Called to Have Amazing Sex

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Back in 2013, provoked by Elizabeth Smart's story Christians filled the Internet with discussions about sex-particularly abstinence education-so much that the Atlantic posted a summary of these debates in "Why Some Evangelicals Are Trying to Stop Obsessing Over Pre-Marital Sex." Although these co

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In this article, Samantha Pugsley talks about how she made a pledge to remain abstinent until marriage at the age of 10 years old. She did remain abstinent until marriage, but she talks about how she regrets that decision in the article. She said in the article, "They didn't tell me that I'd be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now." She felt like she lost a part of her identity upon having sex, and she eventually walked away from the faith. She believed that it was impossible to be religious and sexual at the same time. Do you think this is a common issue for women in the church?

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xoJane: Women's Lifestyle & Community Site - xoJane

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"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal."

At the age of 10, I took a pledge at my church alongside a group of other girls to remain a virgin until marriage. Yes, you read that right -- I was 10 years old.

Let's take a look at who I was as a 10-year-old: I was in fourth grade. I played with Barbie dolls and had tea parties with imaginary friends. I pretended I was a mermaid every time I took a bath. I still thought boys were icky and I had no idea I liked girls, too. I wouldn't get my period for another four years. And most importantly, I didn't have a clue about sex.

The church taught me that sex was for married people. Extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it. I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn't have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.

Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband's sexual needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn't that it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.

I believed it. Why wouldn't I? I was young and these were people I trusted. Everyone knew I'd taken the virginity vow, of course. Gossip is the lifeblood of the Baptist Church. My parents were so proud of me for making such a spiritual decision. The church congregation applauded my righteousness.

For more than a decade, I wore my virginity like a badge of honor. My church encouraged me to do so, saying my testimony would inspire other young girls to follow suit. If the topic ever came up in conversation, I was happy to let people know that I had taken a pledge of purity.

It became my entire identity by the time I hit my teen years. When I met my then boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was saving myself for marriage and he was fine with that because it was my body, my choice and he loved me.

We were together for six years before we got married. Any time we did anything remotely sexual, guilt overwhelmed me. I wondered where the line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch my breasts? Could we look at each other naked? I didn't know what was considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell.

An unhealthy mixture of pride, fear, and guilt helped me keep my pledge until we got married. In the weeks before our wedding, I often got congratulated on keeping my virginity for so long. The comments ranged from curious (how in the world did you manage?) to downright disgusting (I bet you're going to have one busy wedding night!). I let them place me on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-Christian-girl mascot.

I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, "I made it. I'm a good Christian." There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.

Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be uncomfortable the first time. What they didn't tell me is that I would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn't yet comprehend. They didn't tell me that I'd be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now.

When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it.

It didn't get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn't lead him on. I dreaded bedtime. Maybe he'd want to have sex.

When he did, I obliged. I wanted nothing more than to make him happy because I loved him so much and because I'd been taught it was my duty to fulfill his needs. But I hated sex. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to like it, because it wasn't fair. I had done everything right. I took the pledge and stayed true to it. Where was the blessed marriage I was promised?

I let it go on this way for almost two years before I broke down. I just couldn't do it anymore. I told my husband everything. My feminist husband was horrified that I'd let him touch me when I didn't want him to. He made me promise I'd never do anything I didn't want to do ever again. We stopped having sex. He encouraged me to see a therapist and I did. It was the first step on a long journey to healing.

Ten-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful Christian husband and you'll get married and live happily ever after, they said. Waiting didn't give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience.

I don't go to church anymore, nor am I religious. As I started to heal, I realized that I couldn't figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time. I chose sex. Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood. I have to constantly remind myself that a pledge I took when I was only 10 doesn't define who I am today. When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it's because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I'm required to fulfill his desires.

I'm now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality. If I could go back, I would not wait. I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn't go to hell for it. We would have gotten married at a more appropriate age and I would have kept my sexuality to myself.

Unfortunately, I can't go back but I can give you this message as a culmination of my experiences: If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it's because you want to. It's your body; it belongs to you, not your church. Your sexuality is nobody's business but yours.

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IT HAPPENED TO ME: I Waited Until My Wedding Night to Lose My Virginity and I Wish I Hadn't

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"Believing that true love waits, I make a commitment to God, myself, my family, my friends, my future mate and my future children to be sexually abstinent from this day until the day I enter a biblical marriage relationship. As well as abstaining from sexual thoughts, sexual touching, pornography, and actions that are known to lead to sexual arousal."

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This TED Talk addresses the prevalence of online intimacy and cheating. Michelle Drouin points out that many people in committed relationships still have the potential to become hyperpersonal with someone other than their partner online. Online, she argues, we have a tendency to idealize whoever we communicate with and present our best selves to them. The online environment itself fosters intimacy more quickly than the typical face-to-face interaction. Drouin also argues that since we don't have social scripts for what is considered online infidelity, there is plenty of ambiguity in terms of boundaries.

Do you agree with the point that Drouin is making about infidelity in the online environment? Do you think it is important to set clear boundaries with a partner and address these issues before entering into a relationship?

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Online love & infidelity. We're in the game, what are the rules? | Michelle Drouin | TEDxNaperville

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This article talks about masculinity and mental health. Surprisingly, while most mental health diagnoses are for women, the majority of deaths by suicide are completed by men. The authors argue that part of the reason for this is that our culture's definition of masculinity often serves as a barrier for men in regards to seeking help for mental health issues.
Do you think that society puts too much pressure on men to be 'tough' and 'in control' at all times? What are some ways that we, as a society can address this issue of toxic masculinity?

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By Jessica Perry and Brandon Latham/Matters of the Mind
While the majority of mental health diagnoses are for women, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention indicates that almost 78 percent of deaths by suicide in 2013 were completed by men.

What accounts for this discrepancy?

Some experts trace it back to a reluctance among men to seek help for mental illness. Keeping quiet is common for many men in a culture that values pride. This is known as a cultural gender bias.

"Turning to someone else for help runs counter to the masculine ideal of the protector," said Joseph Vandello, a professor of psychology at the University of South Florida. In addition to protection, the other masculine ideal he noted was procreation.

A large part of this reluctance is related to self-stigma, according to David Vogel, a professor in the Iowa State University department of psychology and clinical counselor. The term "self-stigma" is derived from the idea that masculine pride is internalized.

Men are tough on themselves, according to Vogel. "It comes to statements like, 'I'm weak,' or 'I'm a failure,' or 'There's something wrong with me,' 'I wasn't able to handle an issue on my own or within my family,'" Vogel suggests. Vogel also says that masculinity "might heighten those statements," especially as related to conditions like depression. Men may feel as though they are "not supposed to be depressed, and if they are sad they should be able to handle it," Vogel says.

He also says that men are more likely to seek out mental health help when other markers of their manhood are directly threatened.

"When it starts to impact your ability to take care of your family, hold down a job, then men are more likely to do something about it," Vogel says. "That's when it plays in that we're supposed to be the caretakers, [and] have success in careers [among other] things."

Manhood and Millennials

These issues are increasingly relevant for millennials, as many transition from being in school to working and starting families.

More women are taking on breadwinner roles, which Vogel says should ease pressure on men. Conversely, he says, social norms have expanded more for women than for men.

According to Vandello, manhood has historically been based on rituals and traditions. Today's young men face a unique challenge as there are fewer rites of passage than in the past. In generations past, military conscription has meant hundreds of thousands of young men have gone to war. That is not the case now.

However, recent research from the American Psychological Association suggests that men are still emotionally affected by both economic and social problems, both of which are still closely related to male suicide.

Perception, power and control

Masculinity and manhood are perceived states; even if this is only self-perception, men seek to prove their manhood in ways that Vandello describes as "public and verifiable."

One of the aforementioned ways is sexual performance. Vandello cites losing one's virginity and producing children as examples of verifiable and socially-acceptable proofs of manhood.

Self-perception of manhood is tied to sexuality through an individual's sense of control, according to Patrick Noel, an American University student who works with Men of Strength. The group focuses on preventing domestic and sexual violence on college campuses.

Sexuality "intersects with masculinity because men are taught throughout their lives to be in control of all aspects of their lives, from their emotions to their finances to their family lives," he says. "A perceived failure of any of these things is seen as a failure of their masculinity."

This is why men are reluctant to seek support from their communities, Noel says, because it would mean surrendering "power and control." Even when there are spaces, such as the home, where communication is welcome, Noel says men are not talking about their health and mental health issues.

He provided an example of two fraternity members who were both battling similar mental health issues, but never would know because neither felt that they could speak up to their friends.

"It's a constant reassertion of this wall of masculinity, as if we have something to prove to the entire group," Noel says. "Really, I feel like if more men talked to each other, we'd realize we all have a lot of similar problems."

'More lethal means': Gender differences in suicide

And part of what drives differences in suicide is that men and women use different means to commit or attempt suicide. Research shows men are more likely to use firearms, while women use less deadly means - or means where they can be resuscitated. This is known as the "gender paradox" of suicide.

"The research shows that women attempt suicide more often than men, but that men are more likely to complete suicide, likely due to use of more lethal means," Vogel wrote in an email.

It is possible that this paradox is reinforced by American accessibility, as suggested in a Scientific American blog by Jesse Bering: studies show that women are prescribed significantly more antipsychotic medications, and men have better access to weapons.

Other cultures worldwide do not demonstrate the same gender paradox, according to the World Health Organization.

Means aside, why do men go through with suicide more often than women in the U.S.? An American Psychological Association study suggests that suicide itself has masculine connotations. The conclusion, according to the study, is that men may perceive surviving a suicide attempt as failure. And in this culture, failure takes away what makes men masculine.

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Confronting the 'Wall of masculinity' in mental health

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By Jessica Perry and Brandon Latham/Matters of the Mind While the majority of mental health diagnoses are for women, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention indicates that almost 78 percent of deaths by suicide in 2013 were completed by men.

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in this article from Redbook Magazine, five Christian women discuss their decisions to have abortions and how these decisions impacted their faith. Are there any stories that stand out to you? Did any of their views surprise you?

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Thirty-two separate bills related to abortion have been introduced to Congress already in 2017, a number of which are based in religious or moral beliefs. Take, for example,the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which would give full legal rights to human zygotes from the moment of fertilization. Or there's HB174 and SB41, two bills that would provide religious liberty protections for crisis pregnancy centers, organizations that typically try to dissuade women from having abortions and which are often religiously affiliated. There's also the Conscience Protection Act, a bill the would protect health care providers who decline to be involved in abortions because it conflicts with their beliefs.

While many of the groups supporting those acts, like the National Pro-Life Religious Council or the organization National Right to Life, have Christian ties, Christian women's beliefs about abortion are much more complex and varied than the legislation might lead you to believe. Of Catholics who attend Mass weekly, 42% say abortion is not a moral issue, according to Pew Research Center data from 2016, and 54% of abortion patients identified as Christians in a Guttmacher Institute study published that same year. Ahead, practicing Christian women talk honestly about their decisions to have abortions.

"For a time afterward, I quit praying." -Moira*, 35

I live in Texas, and I've been an active Christian and pro-life for as long as I can remember. When I was 32 years old, I was dating someone I loved and I thought loved me. Even though I'd previously always been abstinent because of my faith, he pressured me, insisting that the "man has authority over the woman." I worked at a really conservative Christian organization, and my employer-based insurance wouldn't cover the pill or an IUD, so condoms, which are less reliable, were our only real option. When I found out I was pregnant, I was just gutted. Our organization was publicly, emphatically, opposed to sex outside of marriage; if I'd come to work as a single, pregnant woman, I knew that at best, there'd be a scandal, and, at worst, I feared they would fire me, leaving me without benefits or a salary.

Worried about losing my job and not wanting to build a life with this guy who had pressured me to have sex, I just couldn't see myself carrying the pregnancy to term. I had always assumed that a fetus was A Life, one imbued with a soul, that I would immediately love and have a connection to... but I didn't. I think that's how I was able to have the abortion. All the things I'd believed about pregnancy didn't match my actual experience, so though I felt bad in the abstract, getting the abortion was not as emotionally painful as I feared.

Even though I made my decision pretty early on, getting the abortion was difficult. I had to travel over an hour each way to Houston, Texas, where one of the few remaining clinics in the state is, and I had to go twice: once for an ultrasound and again for the pills. Honestly, I tried to dissociate myself: from the experience of pregnancy, from the doctor's "counsel," from the abortion procedure. It helped when the doctor made it clear that he did not buy into the state-mandated script he had to read to me; he didn't bully me about my choice, so I felt free to do what I had to do.

For a time afterward, though, I quit praying. I think I was scared what I might hear from God. I could barely say the words aloud - that I had been pregnant, that I'd had an abortion. I think it would have been easier to bear if I had any support, but I was too ashamed - about the premarital sex, about the abortion - to reach out to anyone right away. Eventually, I told a friend who is a pastor, and she reminded me that God is always on the side of the vulnerable, of those in trouble. I still wrestle with wondering whether what I did was a sin, but I keep praying, hoping to find peace.

"I was being more faithful in my walk with God by ending the pregnancy." -Annie, 35

When I was in grad school, I slept with my ex-boyfriend one night after we'd broken up. Since it was unplanned, we didn't use any protection. I immediately regretted that, and the sex itself. I found out I was pregnant shortly thereafter and had my abortion as soon as it was possible to get it scheduled, at 8 weeks.

I had some degree of shame at the time: about "letting myself get pregnant," although clearly accidents happen; about having sex with my ex, though I am certainly not the first person to do so. I also felt stuck. I was working as a single, female youth pastor at a conservative church in Texas that I believed would have fired me for being pregnant and unmarried. I doubted they would think a sexually active single woman the right role model for a youth pastor. The congregation's general tenor was also anti-abortion, and I didn't want to risk them finding out.

Still, I never doubted that I would terminate the pregnancy - I had always been pro-choice, and long believed that being "pro-life" is about more than making abortion harder to get; it's about good sex education, available contraception, and honoring all life, not just the "unborn." I was not in the right place to have a child, especially not with my ex. So I didn't.

I felt no doubt that I was being more faithful in my walk with God by ending the pregnancy than I would have been if I had gone through with the pregnancy. Having a baby at that point would have meant turning away from my call to ministry. I was not ready to be a mother, and so it never even occurred to me to keep the pregnancy and give the child up for adoption. I was not ready to carry a child, and I didn't want to bring a child into the world without being able to give it a home.

After the abortion was over, I felt relief. I didn't have any regrets. I did tell my now-husband while we were dating, because I felt it was important he know. I didn't want any secrets between us, and I wanted to know that he would have supported my decision as well as my authority to make it. Now, I have had two healthy pregnancies and two beautiful children. Abortion did not ruin my life or harm me irrevocably - physically or spiritually (contrary to a lot of rhetoric). In fact, my abortion in graduate school allowed me to follow my calling into ministry, and bring wanted children into the world when I was ready to be a mother and able to give them a stable, loving home.

"I knew God didn't judge me, but I wasn't convinced God's people wouldn't." -Katrina, 29

When I was a teenager, I was drugged and raped at a party before my junior year of high school. I was a virgin when I went to that party, and I had never been drunk - I was such a "good girl" that at first I didn't even recognize why I felt so funny and hazy. I hadn't planned on drinking, so I thought maybe someone had just spiked my drink with alcohol. I never even thought about drugs.

After I realized what had happened, I was shocked, terrified, and confused. Not just for what I was going to do, but because I didn't want to risk my reputation with my Methodist pastor. I was really active in my church, but it wasn't the kind of church that took political stances or informed how I thought about sex. I basically thought being a good Christian meant being a good person - leading a socially-acceptable, scandal-free life. I wasn't pro-life or pro-choice so much as hoping to never have to take a position on it.

I turned to my best friends, who were Roman Catholic, and while I know there are a lot of pro-choice Catholics, they were not. They said I was being selfish; that I had decided to have sex and having an abortion would be sacrificing a child because I didn't want to deal with the consequences of my choice. The fact that I'd been raped and hadn't chosen this at all didn't seem to make a difference to them.

I felt desperately alone - the people I had turned to didn't give me the support I had needed, and I was afraid to tell the adults in my life. Finally, I looked up my church's official teaching on abortion. At that time, the United Methodist Church's position was that the church mourns the situations women can find themselves in, but supports a woman's ability to make the decision she and her family need to make. It was the grace I needed to trust my own instinct, the promise that this one action wouldn't determine the rest of my life.

I was lucky, in many ways, that I got to Planned Parenthood early - I was able to have an abortion at 10 weeks by taking RU-486, otherwise known as a medical abortion or the abortion pill. I lived in upstate New York at the time, so even though I was just 16, I didn't have to have parental permission or notification. I didn't want to use their insurance, so I covered the $400 cost with money I made through my after-school job. It took me about an hour to work up the courage to go inside, but once I did, the staff was kind and understanding.

Over the next decade, I grappled with the shame and silence around my abortion; my parents still don't know. I knew God didn't judge me, but I wasn't convinced God's people wouldn't, based on the way my friends had responded and the ubiquity of anti-abortion rhetoric from some Christians. This is what I consider the great failure of churches like mine, which, in theory, understand the complexity of this choice: We're publicly silent. We don't offer a pro-choice Christian position, an alternative narrative. That's why I'm telling my story now.

"I felt God's love and desire for me to do the best thing for me." -Sonja, 38

My work as a pastor has always been bound up in women's rights: I've volunteered with Planned Parenthood, I've marched on Washington, and I've lobbied for reproductive rights. The God I worship and the gospel I preach is about good news for the poor, about liberation for the oppressed. Still, I didn't know if I would ever choose an abortion for myself. I honestly didn't ever expect to have an unintended pregnancy.

My partner and I were living in New Jersey, talking about moving across the country together for his military job, but I was really waiting for a proposal before I decided to go. I wanted to know that he really wanted us to be together, for us to have a future.

So when I found out I was pregnant, in that moment of uncertainty about our future as a couple, I knew immediately in my gut that I would get an abortion. The timing was just not right; I did not want to be a single mother, and if I was going to have children with this man, I wanted it to be while we were married. I was surprised by how much being unmarried mattered to me, but I've also learned to trust my instincts - that's often how I experience God, with the conviction and reassurance of my gut.

I didn't doubt that I would have the abortion, but I did wonder what this accidental pregnancy, and my decision, would mean for our relationship. He said it was my body, my choice - and I agree that the woman should always have the ultimate authority.

The decision may have been quickly and certainly made, but I was surprised by how scared I felt to tell others about it. Maybe because as an educated, privileged woman, I felt ashamed for an accidental pregnancy, because I have all the resources to avoid one at my disposal and I didn't use them in this instance. Maybe because, for as sex-positive as our churches claim to be, you can still find pockets of judgment about children born "out of wedlock."

I was living in New Jersey at the time, and I had two options: either a surgical procedure or the abortion pill. I was nervous about the pill - not knowing how long I'd be bleeding or how I'd be affected - so I elected to have the procedure done at Planned Parenthood, under general anesthesia. It cost more than I thought - $500 without insurance.

The really frightening thing in the end was not the uncertainty or pain, but sitting in the waiting room with all these other women, many of whom were in far more difficult circumstances than I was. A teenager who just seemed so lost, a woman who was scared her boyfriend would dump her, a woman who had had multiple abortions. I found myself praying for them - and I don't mean to sound pious, my prayer was mostly What the f*ck, God?!

No matter my ambivalence about finding myself pregnant, having the abortion was absolutely the right and faithful path for me, and I felt God's love and desire for me to do the best thing for me. That's what God wants: what's best for us all.

"Our pastor made the experience holy, as strange as that sounds." - Rachel, 38

I have always been ardently pro-choice, and held that position along with my faith as a liberal Episcopalian. But for many years, I never had cause to seek an abortion myself.

In fact, after years of infertility and miscarriage, my second pregnancy was desperately longed for. But we received what's called a "gray" diagnosis. Some abnormalities are very clearly black and white: incompatible with life or not. In our case, the abnormalities indicated that our daughter might have lived for many years, but she would have needed constant care. She would have had severe physical and cognitive impairments. We live far from family in a state, Texas, with limited supports and resources for those with disabilities. We do not make a lot of money - we both work in churches.

We agonized but we never really wavered. We were not opposed to abortion. We had rejoiced over this pregnancy. And now we were choosing to end it. We did it because we believed our child would suffer in this world. And we could not let our child suffer. Out of love for her, we suffered grief ourselves so that she wouldn't suffer.

It was a heartbreaking decision on its own, but there were things that made it worse and some things that made it better.

There are two places in Austin that could do the procedure, but they couldn't get me on their calendar for almost three weeks. That's how backed up they are, because state laws had shut down so many clinics. I made the decision at 13 weeks, but couldn't get in until 16 weeks. By then, I was too far along for a D&C (Dilation and Curretage), which is the most common type of surgical abortion. I had to have a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation), a more involved procedure which, in my case, was a two-day process. In Texas, the laws mandate a 24-hour waiting period. So I had to go three days in a row. I had insurance, but even so, the procedure cost over $700.

Those laws - many supported by Christian lawmakers and lobbyists - made my suffering, and that of my daughter, infinitely worse by prolonging and complicating the process.

The priest of our Episcopal Church, though, was amazing. She came with us on the last day of the procedure. She anointed me with oil and we prayed together in the room. She sat with us for hours - before, during, in recovery, and afterwards, sending us home with more prayer in the parking lot. She made the experience holy, as strange as that sounds.
*All names have been changed.

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5 Christian Women Open Up About Their Decisions to Have Abortions

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Thirty-two separate bills related to abortion have been introduced to Congress already in 2017, a number of which are based in religious or moral beliefs. Take, for example,the Sanctity of Human Life Act, which would give full legal rights to human zygotes from the moment of fertilization.

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This article covers the damaging effects that children experience as a result of parents' infidelity.  The author states, "People don't just betray their partners when they shatter family life with a serious affair - the sad truth is that their children grow up believing their parents have been unfaithful to them, too."  The article then goes on to discuss what parents can do to avoid some of the negative impacts, while also pointing out how extramarital affairs affect children based on their specific age at the time of the affair.

What are your reactions to this article? Do you agree with the effects listed? Are there any other ways in which a parent's infidelity could impact a child that were not included?

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For an explosive new book examining why infidelity has become so common in modern Britain, relationships expert Kate Figes spent three years talking to unfaithful spouses, psychologists and marriage counsellors.

Here, continuing our serialisation, she reveals the devastating and enduring effect that an affair can have on children...

Look around today and in many ways modern parents have never been so tuned into their children's needs. They know that to thrive, children require enough sleep, additive-free food, and stimulation through the best educational toys, sports, music and after-school activities.

Yet, all too often, parents fail to provide what their offspring need most: a constructive and loving relationship between the only two parents a child will ever have.

Over the past three years, I've interviewed experts and talked to dozens of men and women who have experienced (or are still having) affairs. What resonated most for me was the emotional fall-out on the young.

There's something badly wrong with society when we put our entitlement to sexual stimulation and release above the needs of our children. If we then rush into a separation or divorce, we fail them at least as much as we fail ourselves.

Jean Duncombe, a sociologist who has conducted extensive research on the subject, says: 'I'm puritanical when someone tells me they're having an affair - because of the work we've done on the impact of divorce on the children.

'If people say to me that the children don't know, I say: "Are you sure?" or "Think about what you're doing to the children" - and I never would have said that 20 years ago.'

For parents who have affairs are not only lying to their partners, they are often deceiving themselves about the impact their infidelity can have on their offspring.

'The children are too young to understand what's happening,' they reason. 'In any case, it doesn't concern them. And children are resilient.'

All of the evidence points to the contrary. People don't just betray their partners when they shatter family life with a serious affair - the sad truth is that their children grow up believing their parents have been unfaithful to them, too.

There is substantial research on the short and long-term effects of divorce if it isn't handled well.

For children, these include low self-esteem, a sense of being abandoned, poor performance at school, anti-social behaviour and the heartbreak of simply missing the absent parent.

Separations provoked by an affair tend to be the most acrimonious. Each parent shoves the blame for the split on to the other, sometimes forcing the children to take sides by supporting his or her version of events.

By tearing a child's loyalty in two, parents can inflict profound damage. To make matters worse, research has shown that around half of all fathers lose contact with their offspring within two years of the separation.

An acrimonious divorce, according to research, doesn't simply hurt children at the time; it can also store up problems for their future.

So, even if their parents separated when they were small, they won't necessarily suffer the full effects until they become adults themselves.

It can contribute to their own marital problems - including affairs of their own - or hamper their ability to form lasting relationships.

Lesley was a schoolgirl when her mother discovered her husband had been having an affair with a work colleague. Most of the couple's friends already knew, so the humiliation was searing. They had to move to another town - which meant Lesley leaving not only her home, but also her school and her friends.

'I still find it hard to trust that when my boyfriend's late or not with me and doesn't answer his phone, that he's doing what he says he's doing,' she says.

'It's as if disaster is always waiting in the wings and he's going to leave me - even though all this happened when I was eight and I'm now 28.'

Of course, the last thing people involved with the thrill of having an affair are likely to think about is how their actions will play with the next generation.

When an affair is discovered, both parents are so anxious, angry and even traumatised that they have limited resources for dealing with more stress from their children, who are likely to be more demanding than usual.

In some families, sons and daughters are sucked into the emotional vortex. In others, they are given little by way of explanation other than: 'Mummy and Daddy aren't getting on very well at the moment.'

Lily says her adult children find it hard to trust and respect their father because he lied to them as children and still denies he had an affair with the woman to whom he's now married.

'My son went through a very bad time as a teenager, drinking too much and running away,' she says.

'Both children mind to this day that my ex has never come clean about what really happened.

'My daughter hasn't settled down with anyone yet - she doesn't trust that it could last.

'My son, who's married, once asked me if I thought infidelity might be in his genes because of the fact his father was serially unfaithful.

'He seriously considered not getting married at all because he didn't want to risk hurting his girlfriend in the way that he'd been hurt.'

So, is there any way of lessening the impact on children?

Yes, but only in cases where parents behave responsibly, putting their children's interests first. All the research shows that several specific things need to happen if they're to stand a hope of recovering quickly.

First, if there are marital arguments, parents must never descend into aggression and character assassination.

Instead, children need to see that their father and mother can argue their corner, respect the other's right to have another opinion, talk about the impact of their behaviour and resolve to work on their differences.

Second, if a couple separate, they need to present a united front when dealing with the children.

So, there should be no arguments about access in front of them and both parents should be involved in school activities and their lives.

Third, any stress, humiliation and rage must be unloaded far away from the children. It may take Herculean strength to avoid revealing your most negative feelings, but it's essential.

Use a family mediator ( ) to limit the acrimony and sort out your separation more civilly.

Fourth, it's important not to damage children's trust. This means telling the truth about what's going on by giving them information appropriate to their age - and answering direct questions.

This will reassure them the infidelity wasn't their fault and that they can always ask more questions when they're worried.

Yes, affairs happen. But if we're grown-up enough to have children, we owe it to them to deal with the fallout in a grown-up fashion.

That way, we can avoid handing problems to the next generation - problems that can strike different age groups in diverse but equally damaging ways . . .

When a parent is absorbed by an affair, no amount of pretence can disguise the fact they have less emotional energy for their children. At the same time, there are rows and tensions at home.

Sensing their parents' withdrawal, babies and small children feel anxious and resort to their only weapon: crying.

Their frequent tears are a desperate plea for more eye contact, more cuddling, more attention. However, their parents are likely to be so wrapped up in their own emotions they find it difficult to respond.

For children under three, this can be catastrophic. At this stage, it's crucial for them to be totally enveloped by passionate parental adoration.

If they miss out, they become anxious - and years later, when they become adults, they may have problems with intimacy.

AGED FIVE TO TEN

Over the age of five, children are more likely to think they have caused their parents' difficulties themselves. Their greatest fear, when they hear arguments and sense tension at home, is that their parents will separate.

As a consequence, they often have nightmares. Before going to sleep, they can also experience powerful flashbacks of Mummy and Daddy fighting. Many become over-clingy.

Behavioural problems at school are common, as well as other regressive behaviour, such as bed-wetting or thumb-sucking.

To young children, separation makes no sense. Without a clear understanding of why it's happened, they find their world has been thrown into chaos.

It's not uncommon for one parent to be involved with the father or mother of another pupil at the child's primary school. So, once the affair is out in the open, it can cause profound disruption to a child's social world.

Imagine what it must feel like suddenly to see your own father picking up someone else's children from your school or giving them presents. I've heard examples of both.

During the first rumblings of adolescence, things start to get considerably more complicated. For a start, teenagers are more likely to discover an infidelity - not least because they're so adept at finding incriminating evidence on mobile phones and computers.

And when they do suspect or discover something, they often don't know where to turn.

In adolescence, children are developing their own sense of identity and fumbling their way towards first love.

They can often be idealistic, highly moral and sensitive to hypocrisy. So when they find out that one parent has been unfaithful, they're quick to see the betrayer as a liar and a cheat.

This will hurt the parent, but it's also harmful to the child.

In order to grow up well, adolescents desperately need their parents to be role models - particularly when it comes to demonstrating the values of integrity, honesty and sensitivity towards loved ones.

They need a stable family from which they can gradually start to pull away in order to forge their own separate lives. The discovery of an affair explodes all that.

To make matters worse, some teenagers are forced to bear the weight of family secrets by acting as go-betweens.

Both parents may use their child as a confidant as they struggle to construct new lives apart.

Many adolescents get very angry, usually with the parent with whom they feel most secure - who is also probably the one being betrayed and least able to cope.

They can get into more trouble at school, have fights, start fires or play truant. Some become depressed, get sick, stop eating or turn to drink or drugs.

Meanwhile, given that the idea of their parents having sex at all is pretty disturbing, the discovery that one of their parents is having sex outside the marriage feels like a violation.

Consequently, some teenagers become promiscuous at an early age, while others opt to shut down sexually altogether. A parent's affair also causes problems in the community or at school, because teenagers are highly sensitive about how they are viewed.

When the straying partner is the father, the child's sense of betrayal may be mitigated by the general consensus that it's still considered more excusable for a man to have an affair.

But if a mother has been having an affair, her children are likely to encounter a new torture: hearing her labelled - by schoolchildren who echo their parents' remarks - as a 'slag' or a 'whore'.

Even when a child has left home or gone to university, the discovery of a parent's infidelity can have far-reaching consequences.

Sociologist Jean Duncombe says: 'Some parents seem to think that once their children have gone to university, it doesn't matter any more because they're adults.

'But they're still children within that context. So they're absolutely devastated. It's the lies, I think, that cause the deepest damage.'

For some, the disruption to their sense of security is acute enough to prevent them sustaining relationships at all.

But one of the more common reactions - which is rising - is to become rigidly condemnatory of any sexual betrayal.

This moral certainty sets an impossibly high standard for young people in their love lives. Indeed, people with zero tolerance for infidelity are likely to be less able to deal with the consequences of marital difficulties and more likely to end partnerships that could be saved or even improved.

Adapred from Our Cheating Hearts: Love And Loyalty, Lust And Lies by Kate Figes, to be published by Virago on May 9 at £13.99. © 2013 Kate Figes. To order a copy for £12.49 (including P&P), tel: 0844 472 4157.

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How to ruin your child's chance of a happy love life: Have an affair - and the damage is WORSE the older they are when you stray

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For an explosive new book examining why infidelity has become so common in modern Britain, relationships expert Kate Figes spent three years talking to unfaithful spouses, psychologists and marriage counsellors. Here, continuing our serialisation, she reveals the devastating and enduring effect that an affair can have on children...

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Cheryl Cohen Greene is a sex surrogate who assists many clients in partner therapy.  Sex surrogates educate clients about sexuality.  They often even engage in intimate physical contact and sexual activities with clients for therapeutic purposes.

In regards to her career choice, Greene stated, "If people have an attitude about my job, I just feel sorry for them for not understanding that there's a difference between me and a prostitute."

What do you think of the idea of sex surrogacy?  Do you think that there are any spiritual or psychological implications to consider in relation to this type of career?

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In the '70s, Cheryl Cohen Greene got into surrogate partner therapy to help others. One of her patients wrote about it, and now Helen Hunt is playing the therapist in a new film.

BERKELEY, Calif. - Cheryl Cohen Greene likes to spend weekends close to home with her husband, Bob, a former postal worker. Often, they go hiking in the Berkeley Hills that surround their neighborhood, or watch movies in the living room of their modest duplex.

At 68, Greene is trim for her age and says she'd lose 10 pounds if she didn't love food so much. She's a devoted grandmother who frequently visits with her two childrenand grandchildren.

No one would guess that more than 900 people have paid to have sex with her.

Greene has worked as a surrogate partner therapist for 40 years. During one-on-one sessions at her home, which doubles as an office, she uses sensual touch to guide those who struggle with sex and intimacy issues. She almost always removes her clothes. And - yes - she sleeps with her patients. In the bed, by the way, that she shares with her spouse.
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"For a long time, I didn't bring it up at cocktail parties," says Greene, who keeps hand-carved wooden statues of genitalia in the nooks and crannies of her home. A close look at her bookshelves reveals "The Guide to Getting It On" and hundreds of other sex-related titles, along with "Calorie Counting" and "The Big Book of Jewish Humor." A big Tupperware container labeled "Cheryl's Vitamins" rests on a coffee table.

"If people have an attitude about my job," she says, "I just feel sorry for them for not understanding that there's a difference between me and a prostitute."

Greene's career choice is getting newfound attention from "The Sessions," a movie based on the true story of Mark O'Brien, a journalist and poet paralyzed from the neck down. Greene, played in the film by Helen Hunt, was hired by the late O'Brien when he wanted to lose his virginity at age 38.

Not all of the attention is positive. Although some in the country's small community of sex surrogates are hopeful that "The Sessions" might inspire more people to join the profession, others say the movie does not accurately depict the career path and its therapeutic worth.
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"I would never get naked in my first session with someone like Cheryl's character does in the movie," says Shai Rotem, a 43-year-old malesurrogate, who began his career in his native Israel and now practices in Los Angeles. "We have to get to know one another first and develop a safe rapport."

Greene is one offewer than 40 practicing partner therapists in the U.S. certified by the International Professional Surrogates Assn., a governing body for the industry.

Two decades ago, there were hundreds of surrogates working in the U.S. after sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson popularized the idea in their 1970 book "Human Sexual Inadequacy." With the rise of AIDS in the mid-1980s, many spouses of surrogates insisted their partners quit the profession.

"There's no law against it because the intent is not to exchange sex for money," saysIPSA president Vena Blanchard. "These clients are paying tons of money to sit and talk and do breathing exercises and learn about their body. So much of the work has nothing to do with intercourse or arousal."

Greene, who speaks with a thick Boston accent, was born in Salem, Mass., grew up Catholic and converted to Judaism after marrying her first husband, Michael Cohen. She and Cohen had an open marriage, which in the 1970s wasn't unusual among their Bay Area peers. She also worked as a nude art model and walked around her home naked, even with her children in the room.
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She first considered becoming a surrogate after a friend handed her a copy of the pseudonymous "Surrogate Wife: The Story of a Masters & Johnson Sexual Therapist and the Nine Cases She Treated." The friend told her, "I think you would be good at this work."

She learned to practice conjoint therapy - where two or more people work through issues together - from two therapists who trained with Masters and Johnson. Soon, she began answering calls for the San Francisco Sex Information hotline, and discovered how much she liked helping people with their sex-related questions.

"I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I'd be sleeping with strangers," she says of her decision to become a surrogate. "I just liked the idea of guiding people to be more relaxed about their sexuality."

Greene sits in her bedroom as she talks, and through the window's plantation shutters, her son's home is visible. He and his family live behind Greene's residence.

"My daughter-in-law is a bit uncomfortable with what I do," Greene acknowledges, "so I just say to the grandkids, 'Nana helps people who don't feel good about their sexuality.'"

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In the '70s, Cheryl Cohen Greene got into surrogate partner therapy to help others. One of her patients wrote about it, and now Helen Hunt is playing the therapist in a new film. BERKELEY, Calif. - Cheryl Cohen Greene likes to spend weekends close to home with her husband, Bob, a former postal worker.

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Most people are aware of the Chris Brown and Rihanna domestic assault controversy that occurred in 2009.  However, recently, Snapchat posted a poll asking users whether they would rather slap Rihanna or punch Chris Brown.  Rihanna responded to the poll saying, "This isn’t about my personal feelings, cause I don’t have much of them… but all the women, children and men that have been victims of DV in the past and especially the ones who haven’t made it out yet…you let us down!"

What message do you think Snapchat was trying to communicate to users with this poll? Do you think that our society takes domestic assault lightly?

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Shares in Snapchat's parent company, Snap Inc, have tumbled just hours after Rihanna lashed out at the app for appearing to trivialise domestic abuse.

An ad appeared for the game Would You Rather, which asked users if they would 'rather slap Rihanna or punch Chris Brown'.

Brown was found guilty of domestic assault against the Work singer in 2009, after he attacked her on the way home from a pre-Grammys party.

After Rihanna blasted the poll in a lengthy post on Instagram, Snapchat quickly apologised and pulled the advert down.

But it seems this wasn't enough, as Reuters reports shares in the company swiftly dropped almost 5 per cent - around £720 million.

The publication states stock in the company closed at $17.20 (£12), meaning Snap Inc. were down nearly 5 per cent for the day.

Rihanna hit out after being made aware of the shocking advert for the game Would You Rather, which appeared to reference her history with Chris.

In a message directed at Snapchat on her Instagram story, the 30-year-old told her 61 million followers: 'Now Snapchat I know you already know you ain't my fave app out there but I'm just trying to figure out what the point was with this mess! 'I'd love to call it ignorance, but I know you ain't that dumb!

'You spent money to animate something that would intentionally bring shame to DV victims and made a joke of it!

'This isn't about my personal feelings, cause I don't have much of them... but all the women, children and men that have been victims of DV in the past and especially the ones who haven't made it out yet...you let us down!

'Shame on you. Throw the whole app-oligy away.'

Snapchat pulled the poll quickly, and apologised for letting it through their review process.

A spokesperson told Metro.co.uk: 'This advertisement is disgusting and never should have appeared on our service. We are so sorry we made the terrible mistake of allowing it through our review process.

'We are investigating how that happened so that we can make sure it never happens again.'

This isn't the first time Snapchat have come under fire in recent weeks, as fans struggled to get to grips with a controversial update.

Snapchat declined to comment when approached for a comment by Metro.co.uk.

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MORE: Shocking Snapchat advert asks fans if they'd rather 'slap Rihanna' or 'punch Chris Brown'

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Rihanna 'wipes $1 billion from Snapchat after putting app on blast for Chris Brown poll'

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Shares in Snapchat's parent company, Snap Inc, have tumbled just hours after Rihanna lashed out at the app for appearing to trivialise domestic abuse. An ad appeared for the game Would You Rather, which asked users if they would 'rather slap Rihanna or punch Chris Brown'.

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In this article in Glamour magazine, a sex therapist and couple's therapist came together to create a set of rules for talking about sexual history with a new partner.

Leslie C. Bell, Ph.D., LCSW, stated in the article, "New partners aren't automatically entitled to know everything about you, nor you everything about them."

Do you agree with the do's and dont's that the therapists listed?  Do you think that the rules are still the same from a Christian perspective?  Why or why not?

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Everyone has a sexual past. It makes you the person you are today. Life experiences, in general, are the best teaching moments, even if-especially if-there a few mistakes in there.

But the thing about sexual pasts is that they keep coming up. Every time you enter into a new relationship or even just a casual thing, the whos and whats of your sexual past are often up for discussion. Of course, what you choose to share is your business, but at the same time there are some ethical rules about this stuff. For example, you should tell your partner if you have a communicable STD, for example. So, what else do you share, and what can you keep to yourself? Read on.

"There tends to be this magical thinking that if I don't talk about it, maybe it won't happen," Veronica Vaiti, LCSW-R told Glamour. Vaiti has been a couple's therapist for over 15 years and is the cofounder and executive director of NYC Therapy Group. But no matter how deep the fear of rejection or judgment might be, she says this is an essential talk that all couples should have, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone.

"It's helpful to distinguish information that you need to share with a new partner for reasons of health and safety, and information that you may have some discretion in sharing," Berkeley, Calif.-based psychotherapist Leslie C. Bell, Ph.D., LCSW explained to Glamour. "New partners aren't automatically entitled to know everything about you, nor you everything about them."

__

Both Bell and Vaiti, as well as sex therapist Vanessa Marin, share the rules for having the sexual past discussion with your partner:__

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Your number is your business, so you can share it at your own discretion. "It can bring up a lot of feelings, moral judgment calls, and insecurities for both partner... but we're the culmination of all the experiences in our life," says Vaiti.

It is important, should you share your number, to be comfortable in that number, so you can weather whatever reaction might come your way. But if not, "Some possibilities for keeping it to yourself might be along the lines of, 'You know, I don't think we know each other well enough yet, let's see where this goes first,' says Bell, "Or, That's privileged information, you'll have to earn it.'"
2. DO disclose any STDs.
If your sexual history has some STDs in it, it can be hard to broach the subject, but it's still something that has to be discussed-especially since some infections (like herpes and HPV) are not condom-proof.

If you want answers and your partner isn't ready to disclose, then there's something to be said there, Vailti says. "Take pride in the ownership of your body," she encourages, "If a potential partner isn't willing to respect how you feel, then it speaks to a larger issue." In other words, if you're not ready to share this information, you might want to hold off on getting physically intimate.

That said, if you did have a treatable STI in the past that is fully cleared up, such as chlamydia, then according to Marin, "You don't have have to divulge that information." If it's not a threat to your new partner, then there's no need to share.
3. DON'T grill him on his condom use.
In the heat of the moment, some of us may have accidentally forgotten to use a condom, while others have a sexual past that was completely void of condom use. According to Bell, this isn't something to fixate on, and should only be discussed if lack of condom use in the past resulted in an STD. Otherwise, "This falls into the discretionary sharing category," says Bell, "The condom use itself isn't a health concern for your partner, it's the STD information that is."
4. DO suggest you both get screened for STDs.
It's safe sex 101 to inquire about your partner's last STD screening, and it's also totally fine to ask that he or she get one before proceeding further with you, especially if you plan to be exclusive. One way to approach that topic is by mentioning the last time you were checked and asking him or her the same.

As with the STD talk, in cases where your partner doesn't want to get a screening, you need to make a decision as to how you will proceed. "You can't control whether or not they get screened," says Bell, "You can only control you own behavior." If you don't feel safe about having sex with someone who hasn't been screened recently and has no desire to any time soon, you have every right to pull back the sexual aspect of the relationship.

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DO discuss what type of birth control you're going to use.__

Even if you're already on the Pill or have an IUD, let your new partner know you also plan on using condoms. "I highly recommend using condoms with new partners," says Marin, "But you should also know that condoms aren't 100 percent effective at preventing STI transmission."

If your partner pushes for not using condoms, then it's up to you to assert yourself. You can absolutely, positively, say no to sex, no matter how naked you are or how close you are to intercourse, if he's not on board with keeping both of you safe. "This is not easy to do, but it's helpful to ask yourself how you'll feel about yourself if you don't stay true to your principles," says Bell.

Hopefully, in the best-case scenario, the chat goes well and you can both move forward happily. If not, then at least you know now before you've had sex.
More from Glamour:

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How to Talk About Your Sexual Past: What to Say, and What Not To

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Everyone has a sexual past. It makes you the person you are today. Life experiences, in general, are the best teaching moments, even if-especially if-there a few mistakes in there. But the thing about sexual pasts is that they keep coming up.

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TLC's new show Seeking Sister Wife features the Snowden family who are trying to find another wife to integrate into their family.

What are your initial thoughts after watching this interview?  What do you think of their reasons for pursuing a plural lifestyle?  Can you think of any advantages and disadvantages of this type of relationship dynamic?

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What Is This Woman Most Concerned About Sharing With A Sister Wife?

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This article explores statistics related to rape, as well as why victims keep quiet following an instance of rape.  The article notes that out of every 100 rapes, 32 get reported, seven reports lead to arrest, and only two lead to felony conviction.
In the article Berkowitz argues that many rapes go unreported because, "It's just human nature that the last thing you want to do after that is go be in a police station for six hours and have to tell intimate details to a stranger."
In addition, victims are also discouraged by the fact that the chances of seeing their rapist convicted are relatively low.
At the end of the article, Foster goes on to say that she wished everyone reported, but that she also wished that we lived in a world where victims have the confidence that justice would be served when doing so.

Do you think that society is aware of reasons for underreporting of rape? From the article, it seems that the weight of the issue rests on the shoulders of rape survivors in terms of holding their rapists accountable, acting quickly following the rape, handling the legal process well, recounting all of the details, sharing any evidence related to the rape, and advocating for themselves to the best of their abilities. Do you think that any changes could be made to change this for the better?

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For sexual assault victims' advocates, Baton Rouge resident Lyndsi Lambert's story can serve as both an exemplar and a cautionary tale.

Lambert reported to police that a Baton Rouge man she was dating had raped and likely drugged her on Sept. 25, 2014, after they met up at a local bar.

Her relentless calls for action by law enforcement are just what Scott Berkowitz, president and founder of the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network advises sexual assault victims to do: He says victims should be proactive about their cases if they feel police aren't doing enough to pursue them.

But the legal and bureaucratic obstacles that Lambert encountered, the combative interrogations she says she was subjected to, and the emotional toll the lengthy process took on her, are an example of what experts say only reinforces the reluctance of many rape victims to press charges in the first place.

Cases such as Lambert's, in which the accuser and alleged assailant knew each other and had a sexual history, are relatively commonplace, statistics show. RAINN, citing the federal government's Bureau of Justice Statistics, says that four-fifths of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, and 1 out of 4 are committed by someone the victim has been intimate with. But by RAINN's estimate, out of every 100 rapes, only 32 ever get reported; 7 lead to arrests; and 2 lead to felony convictions.

Why do so many victims keep their sexual assaults a secret? For one, rape is such a traumatic and invasive event, victims don't want to talk about it, experts say. Some blame themselves for what happened.

"The normal human reaction after something like that happens is you want to go home and take a shower and you want to not have to talk about it," Berkowitz said. "It's just human nature that the last thing you want to do after that is go be in a police station for six hours and have to tell intimate details to a stranger."

Those who do tell often face an exhausting bureaucratic battle, as investigations can stretch on for months or years, with every intimate detail probed and questioned. Experts said experiences like the one Lambert described -- feeling that the East Baton Rouge Sheriff's Office sergeant investigating her case treated her with suspicion -- are not uncommon, and discourage victims from continuing to pursue their cases.

"It's just so hard to get victims to come forward in the first place, that every roadblock that's thrown up just really destroys the reporting further," Berkowitz said. "There are many points in the process where a victim could give up and decide it's not worth the trouble."

Sexual assault victims' advocates and law enforcement officials agree that acquaintance rape cases can be particularly difficult to investigate and prosecute: There's often not a lot of physical evidence, and a potential victim's story may be clouded and confused due to drugs or alcohol. And if the case does make it to a courtroom, some jurors may be wary of convicting a suspect of rape if the two people involved in the case had previously had consensual sex.

"There's a reluctance to prosecute (these types of cases) because of the difficulty," said Ebony Tucker, executive director at the Louisiana Foundation Against Sexual Assault. "I also think there's a lack of evidence being brought to prosecutors. You have a lot of law enforcement who, in my opinion, make up their minds very early on about whether or not they think this is a credible case of rape, and that definitely affects how much work they put into the investigation."

Berkowitz, of RAINN, echoes that sentiment.

"There's some police departments and some detectives who take (these cases) very seriously and do everything right, and there's others that have a more defeatist attitude at the very front of the process," he said. "They decide it's going to be too hard to prove so they don't want to pursue it."

Still, prosecutors and police have an obligation to make that effort and "jump through all our hoops" for victims, said Michael Moore, president of the National District Attorney's Association. While these cases are more difficult to prosecute, they are not impossible, he and others said.

"Police and law enforcement should never have a policy that they get a report like (Lyndsi Lambert's) and the case never moves forward," Moore said. "We owe it to the victim to be able to explain why (it can't be prosecuted)."

East Baton Rouge District Attorney Hillar Moore said the skepticism and hostile questioning that Lambert described should not happen in a sexual assault case.

"If that happened, we would not condone that, I don't think the sheriff's staff would condone that," he said. "Regardless of the circumstances, we're there to listen, to follow up. You're there to assist (the victim)."

The East Baton Rouge Sheriff's Office has acknowledged Lambert's case could have been treated with more sensitivity, but maintains there wasn't enough evidence to make an arrest.

From a broad, societal perspective, it's crucial to increase the percentage of rapes being reported, advocates say: If more rapes are reported, more criminals can be put behind bars and justice can be served for the victims. And it helps prevent more crimes from being committed in the future: According to RAINN, 46 percent of rapists who are released from prison are re-arrested within three years for another crime. Presumably, many of those who are never arrested would have the same proclivities.

"Even when the attacker is an acquaintance, overwhelmingly rapists tend to be serial criminals," Berkowitz said. "Even though it's a difficult process and a frustrating process sometimes to report, often doing so will help prevent crimes down the road."

But for an individual victim, whether to report is a complex and personal decision that advocates say should be left to each individual. Many people feel like reporting can be a chance to have their story heard, to get justice, and to stop their attacker from hurting other people, said Leah Foster, clinical director of trauma recovery services at the New Orleans Family Justice Center.

When Foster meets with victims, she said her task is to find out what their goals are, and weigh the pros and cons of reporting: They have to do what's right for them.

In a broader sense, as an advocate for victims, Foster says, "I wish that everyone reported." She said she also wishes we lived in a world where the system worked well enough to give all victims confidence that justice would be served.

"But it doesn't work that way," she said.

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If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, help is available 24 hours a day through the National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE or online by clicking here.

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Many rape victims keep quiet, so they won't feel like Lyndsi Lambert did

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For sexual assault victims' advocates, Baton Rouge resident Lyndsi Lambert's story can serve as both an exemplar and a cautionary tale. Lambert reported to police that a Baton Rouge man she was dating had raped and likely drugged her on Sept. 25, 2014, after they met up at a local bar.