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Hi, Lucy! A strength of your narrative, “Scarred Control,” is description. My favorite lines “The old, sandy wooden boards shed like a dog. The radio on her dresser barely even worked, and her old mattress in the corner of the attic stood out, for it had turned into a ugly brownish yellow color.” This description of the attic Meg slept in was amazing! You went into absolutely amazing detail to provide the reader with a better setting. In addition to that another strength of your narrative is adding tension. Lucy, I love in certain points of your narrative you created multiple climaxes to peak interest towards the reader. Especially when you were in the middle of your story, your tension, to me, was very high. A wish for you is when you should Meg stumble in her words, maybe try not to extend the letters just so you have some real words in there.

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Hi Lucy ! I really liked that you had this one sad theme throughout your whole story. It really touched my heart, and that this story had a lot of emotion too it. For example “  She collapsed onto the ground, breathing heavily. Tears started streaming down her cheeks.” I really liked that it showed how she reacted to events in her life.Also I really liked the figurative language throughout your whole story, It brings and whole new level to your story. For example”  piling on top of her like sacks of potatoes” I liked this part in your story and it brings more sadness on top of it. However, I think you could have made a picture of how Meg’s dad looks. This will help the reader picture how he looks.

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Your Favorite Best Friend The one and only KIARA! 

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Your Favorite Best Friend The one and only KIARA! 

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Hey Lucy, I just was reading one of your amazing pieces! A star of your story, “ Scarred Control” , is when you add your figurative language in almost every sentence describing Meg’s room or the actions that happen with people. One of my favorite figurative language pieces mentioned was the part where you wrote 'A board had fallen to the ground, like a soldier lost in war. It is really well written piece of figurative language. In addition I really like the way you constructed your hook. As it gives me clear detail of what the place looks like and I can see the image in my head. The part where you said The lamp on her old grey driftwood dresser was flickering and slowly dimming every day. This line gave me a real picture of what some of Sally’s room looks like since it is a worn down place. However, a suggestion I can offer is to add a bit more transitions. The piece was a bit hard to follow and I had to read it a few times before understanding it.

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Hi, Lucy! A strength in your essay, “Legend of Loner” was that you loaded your essay with a ton of details and powerful wording!

I love the different transition words that you used!  The detail is amazing in your warrant like the sentence with the wording” Her eyes start to become glossy as she holds back tears, but it's no use, for it is as if she is a rubber band trying to hold back a brick wall.” Your essay made me smile because is so amazing and it is cool that this is all of your work all combined together it is truly just amazing!

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Hi Lucy! I loved all the detail you put into your piece. I can really visualize your short story’s. I can understand what opinion you have on video games. For example “She has to hold herself together, piece by piece so she doesn’t break apart. Her eyes start to become glossy as she holds back tears, but it's no use, for it is as if she is a rubber band trying to hold back a brick wall”. I loved that you put a lot of detail of the sadness. Also, that you regaste the claim for the reason but in a very creative and detail way. For example “To illustrate, video games improve the mental strengths of children insanely.” This was really amazing. However, This is not a big problem but you forgot to highlight you other trastoin words in your warrant. Other than that you did amazing and I loved it.

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Wow. Your essay is amazing! One key strength is your persuasive word choice. The words carry so much persuasion and would absolutely convince anyone! A second strong point is your attention to detail, specifically concerning your anecdotes. I don’t see the scene, I am in the scene, skipping along on a warm summer day, sitting on the couch holding a controller in my hand, being rescued by the game left on the TV. I consider my anecdotes to be a strength, yours might be better than mine! I don’t have a wish, so here’s a star: you have stellar transitions! They are not boring like all “next,”, “then,” and “also,”. They are interesting and captivating. Transitions really make a difference! - Ruth L. S.

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Hi Lucy! A strength of your essay, “Legend of Loner” is the way you add the beautiful figurative language within your anecdotes. Each anecdote is filled with loads of figurative language that make the anecdote so real. I especially enjoyed where you wrote “ it is as if she is a rubber band trying to hold back a brick wall”. It added so much detail into your anecdote as all had such great figurative language and all were great. In addition, I like the way you worded your go to the heart in the conclusion paragraph. It was very well written as you made the reader(ME) actually emotional. This was such a sad read on how you described it.  However, a suggestion I can offer for improvement is to in your first paragraph delete the part about Rivera not listening to his mom. This makes your evidence lean toward no video games. Try to keep how he is a top A student and how is about video games. This would just make your evidence better as you are “YES VIDEO GAMES”.

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Hey Bestie Westie ✌️! One star in your writing was your descriptive language, which there were tons of! For example, “suddenly,the sound of rain fills the dark room around her. She shoves open her eyes through wet sheets of tears.” This made the writing clear, and really painted a picture of the scene that you were trying to show. Another star in your writing was your introduction, specifically your anicdote. It paints a clear picture in the reader's mind, and shows the scene incredably well.  However, i do have one wish for writing.

In your conclusion, you state “without video games, the world would be a depressing sate of matter, a waste of space in the whole scheme of existence.” I think the wording on this could be improved, because this makes it feel as if video games are the only thing that matters,and that’s not true. You could instead say “ without video games, the world wouldn’t be the joyful world it is today. Kids would be Broken, with nothing to do in their life.” This would make it more clear of what you are trying to state.

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Hi Lucy,
Okay I don’t even know where to start. Well how about… Your memoir was amazing! It was so descriptive and deep. Your figurative language took your memoir to the next level. It was seriously like a profesional author wrote this piece! You’re inner  thoughts reflected off of your personality, especially your thought about your Minnie Mouse T-shirt. I want to keep on reading it… like Dorothy said, please make a part to. We are supposed to go off of “two stars and a wish” so I will give you a wish. It is not the best wish but your piece was so phenomenal that I can not give you a solid wish. My only “wish” is to watch your grammar and spelling. I could go on and on about your writing piece but you have other amazing feedback to read. Bye Lucy! Please make a part two and share it with me. My jaw was dropped reading your piece and writing this comment. Okay for real this time…
Bye Lucy, awesome writing!

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Hiya Lucy! How are you? I hope you are doing great! I know I am since I was just reading your memoir. The memoir you have is awesome. I really loved how deep it is and how you really express your feelings. It made the memoir so deep that the reader can’t take their eyes off it.  I seppifically liked the line you  My throat hurt from trying to breathe, and trying to find words through my wailing tears. That line made the reader want to read more of your piece because it is described in such a way that you need to read more. In addition I also like how much figurative language you added. It made the piece alive and really well written. I especially like the line where you said the teacher towered over me, and embarrassment crashed on me as if it was a tidal wave. That made it the best because it was so good. Though one thing I wish you could add is to go deeper in your life lesson cause you simply just listed it and then you were done. I wish you could add more to it but other than that it was a great  memoir. I hope you keep up the hard work.

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Hi Lucy! I loved reading your piece so much! Plus your writing piece is so powerful with detail just flying around! It’s AMAZING!!  Also love your title in your piece it is dramatic but at the same time IT’S SO COOL! I love that you used theses words: and my, lungs became stiff as concrete. However a suggestion that I recommend is that just sorta paint the picture to the reader but then overall this is amazing!

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First of all, I think your memoir is absolutely amazing. A star that stood out to me was your use of “again and again” from the Signpost lessons in language arts. “Plunging back into reality, I found myself gasping for air as tears lured out of my eyes.”  And “Another wave of wet, uncontrollable sobs came in, and tears flowed with a million pounds of hurt.” From using the signposts from reading, you made it very clear to the reader that you were upset about something. Another thing that I think you did really well on is the way you unfolded the story. I really loved how you mentioned the teacher in the classroom in the beginning and didn’t mention the lockers until the second page of the memoir. The final thing that I think you did extremely well on was your use of figurative language. I loved this line in particular: “I swear the Minnie Mouse on my shirt was staring up at me coldly, laughing. She had that I-get-what-I-want-and-I-am-cooler-than-you look.” I really enjoyed reading this peice and look forward to reading your future peices!

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I really like your memoir! So descriptive, lots of figurative language. I could clearly picture every event, the lockers and the mask told me that this is recent. The way you wrote it. . . I was hooked. I wanted to know what happened next! However, I also wanted to know why you were crying. Why you wanted to hide in the bathrooms, why a teacher told you “under the circumstances. . . I don’t think so.” I want to know what just happened that caused this!

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Avery( aka The best frined you will ever meet, the one that you will NEVER EVER leave. Ly <3

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Avery( aka The best frined you will ever meet, the one that you will NEVER EVER leave. Ly <3

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One star that I saw in your story was the way you described your feelings. You did a really good job using figurative language and deep details to tell the reader exactly what emotions you felt. One example that I really like way “ Embarrassment crashed down on me as if it was a tidal wave. The wave brought loneliness and anxiety hit my mind like a boulder.” Another star that I saw within your writing was some of the humar you added. I think that it really brought a lot of life to your writing and made it much more intresting to read. One example that i really really liked was “Stop Minnie Mouse. Stupid Minnie Mouse.” No wish for the writing, so here is one more star. I really liked all the inner thought you added. Again, they brought a lot of life to your story,.

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Is there a part two? I want to know what happened. I loved your story so much I liked that you put no dialogue and also I liked you put a lot of details about the tears. I really also liked that you put a lot of inner thoughts in the story because they really helped me understand the story better. I wish you could say what happened before you started crying? Why are you crying

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Lucy! First of all I knew that you were going to do Harry Potter themed! So cute and the quote from Snape! I love that you watch and play milk craft in your free time! The strength coming from your writing pieces is amazing! You spend so much time and affrtot in your writing and it always comes out fantastic!!That is amazing that you go shopping with your grandma! That always has to be fun! Spending time with your grandma! Listening to Spotify music always calms me down and when I do my homework it is a treat!     I think you should work on just having a little bit of detail in your dislikes! But if you don't want  to, that is 100% okay with me!

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I think you did a good job going into description. I like how you said “I enjoy doodling people in my drawing notebook while listening to my Spotify playlists!”  I think that it is good that you put 2 ideas in 1. I also like how you wrote about your summer. I like learning about people I’m that way. I wish you would go into more detail about the things you don’t like. Maybe I don’t like Star Wars because…

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I really like your alliteration that you have on your title. It was a real tongue twister. I enjoy your smooth  transitions through each topic. I also really like your detail. I also like you showed your love for Harry Potter. I will you elaborate on your likes. Bye Lucy <3

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One absolutely outstanding strength of yours is how you were listing your likes clearly with periods at the end. This really made a difference in your “About Me” and it made it easy to read. Another strength is that you had a variety of likes. That told me more about you so I can understand why you feel a certain way about something. But with your dislikes, you just listed them. I am wondering what level of disapproval you have about certain things, because surely you will dislike some things more than others. But Great job, this was amazing!

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This peace is wizardly and creative

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A strength I really liked about your about me is how much description you added to your likes. For example “Watching Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 2!” I think you did a heresy job using specific details. Another strength I saw was how you described the things you do in the summer. For example “ Shopping with my Grandma in the downtown streets of Stone Harbor NJ.” I can tell you have a strength for detail. One wish I have for your writing however, is that you would go into further description of your dislikes. I would love to know more about why you hate these things. And I have some strange guesses.