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How was everyones Christmas? mine was pretty good. It was hard because of the fact that it was my first one without my mom. But I got a lot of nice things in her memory. I got a necklace from my dad, grandpa, my mom's partner, and all my aunt and uncles on my moms side. It's her thumbprint. I have it on  a necklace and my brother has it on on a keychain. Easily my favorite present that I got. It's also engraved on the back. It says always and forever. I got a lot of other nice stuff in memory of her to. I'll tell you about that stuff later because the bell is about to ring.

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My Guardian Angel

My mother sits up in a cloud

And watches me down here below

For to protect me she has vowed

Since she had always loved me so

As she watches me I know she is proud

I’m sure she wishes she could simply say hello

My mother was my best friend

We laughed and cried together

She truly loved me to no end

When it came to me she was never a forgetter

To my needs, she would always tend

She knew how to make me feel better

My mother had the most beautiful face

With so much love in her eyes

She had a love-filled embrace

Knowing her was such a prize

And now she has finished the race

It is so hard for me to realize

My mother is now my guardian angel

I know she’s always with me

To us her death was painful

But to her it couldn’t be

For she is now with the all-powerful

At last, she is pain-free!

My guardian angel protects me

She watches over me night and day

Everywhere I go that’s where she’ll be

I know that she will never go away

And I know, again her face I shall see

And her embrace I’ll feel again someday

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Everything is fucking insane. I don't know how I'm supposed to do it. I'm freaking out because i have so much work to get caught up on and I'm failing two classes. We only have four f*cking weeks left I don't know how I'm supposed to bring my grades up to where I'm passing those classes in only four f*cking weeks. and then why don't we just add onto the stress of everything hmm? last night my best friend had to be escorted by police to a mental hospital for saying she was gonna hurt herself and was having su!cidal thoughts. That's just f*cking great. My dad and I have been getting into so many arguments lately and he keeps telling me to move out. Last night I was on the floor crying having a mental breakdown and all he said was "well maybe if you go do your laundry that will take your mind off it"  The one person I want to talk to about all this is dead. She's the only person that could truly calm me down right now but no God had to f*cking take her away from me so soon. All of this just spirals right down back to the fact that I miss my mom and the only thing I f*cking want right now is to have her back but that's the one thing I can't get.

I want to f*cking scream.

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October 13, 2020

It started in a hospital room

A mear infection it seemed

They said “we’ll keep you overnight that’s it”

Well that turned out to be a lie

A week went by and nothing more

They poked and prodded

They ran some tests

And yet the answer was nothing

Two weeks go by

It gets worse

Now moved into the ICU

Further tests are done

But still, the answer remains

Nothing

A few days go by

Moved to IU medical

A whole two hours away from home

Some of the best doctors in the world

And still, no answers

Another week has gone by

Adding up to a total of three

Here comes a major procedure

To get rid of the problem

Hurray! The surgery was a success

They say “we’ll see great progress!”

If only that were the truth

The night passes

We move into the next day

We get a call

“You may want to get down here”

They say “It isn’t looking well”

We travel down two hours

We go into the room

We see the wires

The bags and the tubes

We get down by the bed

And say our final goodbyes

9:50 that night our mothers with the Lord

Hugs go round

And tears are shed

We head our way back to the car

As I say  “It doesn’t seem real,”

It’s been three weeks now

Nothing is the same

We miss our mom

And love her so

But we are assured

She is with us

And someday we will feel her tight embrace

And see her beautiful face once again

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I wanna go hoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOome

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I just can't even find the words to express how much I miss you. Each day I wake up and am crushed with the painstaking realization that you are gone all over again. Night comes and all I can think about is the fact that you're never coming back. I promise I am doing everything I can to make you proud. You have always been my biggest cheerleader. I know that you are cheering me on just as hard up in Heaven. It's only been three weeks. I've already gone to text you so many times. Not even thinking about it. Like Halloween night. I went to text you and ask where the heck you were because trick-or-treating had already started and you were going to miss al the scary costumes that came to do the door. I went to text you a picture of my tattoo last week. I went to text you Sunday evening and tell you how we released balloons for you, since Halloween was always your favorite day of the year. I was gonna text you that I am going to lunch with Kathy on Saturday and ask if you wanted to join. My heart is shattered each and every time that I go to text you and remember. I've lost a lot of people in my life. Honestly more then I think a 17 year old should. I've experience horrible emotional pain. But no pain could ever amount to this type of pain. I've always heard that the worst pain you could experience is losing your mother. I now know this to be true. I miss you with all my heart and soul mom. I love you most.

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I'm getting a tattoo today. Super excited but alsooo lowkey scared

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I’m struggling. The reality of everything has just struck me again. During first period I got a notification on my phone that my mom had been removed from our family Apple Account. That made reality hit me hard again. I really don’t know what I’m gonna do without my mom. There’s so much she’s gonna miss. She’ll never see me graduate high school. She won’t see me go off to college. She won’t see me become an adult. She won’t see me graduate college. She won’t see me get married. She won’t ever meet her grandkids. There’s just so much stuff that she won’t be here for that I wish she could be here for. I don’t even know man. It’s just… a tough situation. And I’m really struggling with it.

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Hi guys. I thought I should give you an update on my mom. So.. on October 12 they went in and amputated her leg. They said they had to because the leg was the source of all the problems and was keeping her from getting any better. So they did it. And afterwards they said that was the right choice and that she was gonna start doing a lot better. and then the next day came along. everything got worse again. They said there was nothing else they could do. 10/13/20 at 9:50 P.M. my mom passed away.

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Guys I'm really scared. Ok so.. on Tuesday I went down to Indy to visit my mom and the doctors told me she was improving a lot and that they were very encouraged. Her blood pressure went back up (it was down to 30/60 so suuuuper low, especially for my mom who has always had high blood pressure) and her white blood cell counts were finally starting to get lower. Her white blood cell counts should be down to 11,000 but they were up way over 40,000. They said that although her numbers were still pretty high they were going in the right direction. same deal with her blood pressure getting higher instead of lower. She was also responsive. She was still out of it and had the ventilator, but she was squeezing my hand and moving her eyebrows and fluttering her eyelids etc. They also said that they were trying to get her fully awake so that they could take her off the ventilator because she was doing all the breathing on her own. The ventilator wasn't doing anything for her. so she was doing really good and they were very encouraged. And then yesterday the hospital called with an update. They said that her numbers spiked back up again, and her blood pressure dropped. She became completely unresponsive. Her lungs started working improperly again. They did so so many tests to try and figure out why everything just went downhill again and they can't figure out why. They were trying to come up with an idea of why her body isn't responding to any form of treatment but they just can't figure it out. They said that they are at a point where they have almost just given up hope.

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so lowkey think I broke my wrist

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Hi guys. So I wanted to give y'all an update on my mom. She's doing really bad. And I'm scared. Ok so she's been in the hospital for a few days over two weeks now. She started out at Dupont, then they moved her to Lutheran. For the last week she's been in the ICU and she's been only getting worse. Her white blood cell count should be down at 11,000 but hers is up way past 40,000. oh forgot to mention this all started from an infection in her leg that traveled into her blood stream. On Friday they airlifted her down to a hospital in Indy because she needs an immediate liver transplant. Her liver is failing. Her kidneys are also failing so they have her in continuous dialysis. On Saturday that had to put her in a medically induced coma. She's on a ventilator and a feeding tube. Yesterday we got more news. They said that her blood pressure is extremely low (30/60) and they have been giving her four different medicines to try and raise it, but that's not working. This part is especially concerning because my mom has always had high blood pressure and even has to take medicine for it daily. They said that her heart and her lungs are starting to fill with fluid. Her lungs aren't working properly, even on the ventilator, and her heart is starting to fail. They said that the next 24 hours are extremely critical for her, but right now they don't know that there's really anything else they can do.

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TW: Date R^pe
I miss you guys. I havent come back to Carroll because I dated and was r^ped by one of the attendants of the school. I love you and miss you all so much, but I will not be coming back to Carroll.
Love,
Grayson.

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I'm so scared right now. My moms been in the hospital for ten days now, and last night they moved her to the ICU.

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hello all. Idk what it is about today but there's just something about today that's put me in a weird mood. I don't necessarily wanna say sad.. but that's the best way to describe it. I'm emotionally drained, and I feel it physically today, if that makes any sense. idk

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I couldn't remember how to say the word roof.

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Guys I haAaAate this so much ahah. My friends I sit with at lunch told me I need to write either a book or a movie about a love triangle XD. Ok I love the idea, but hate the reason for the idea. it's because I have a crush on one of my friends, yet his younger brother has a crush on me and i'm just like AHH no! wrong brother! Make the other one like me. XDD Literally thoooo. It's weird to think about. Because he freaking likes me despite knowing I like his brother, trying to help set us up, taking pictured for us when we went on a DATE.. ahhh. He also is the one that told me that he thinks his brother (ya know the dude I like) likes me back and I'm just over here like... oof
ahh

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hey ya'll. I was bored and reading some of the other notes, or whatever they are called, on here and now I'm sad :( I saw a bunch that i posted about my boyfriend. But we broke up last month :(
I shall go sit in a corner and most definitely not be sad ehhhehh.
*sadness sounds coming from the corner*

but also we are on good terms and were friends. like nothing bad happened. It was just a mutual agreement. because we already had really bad communication, and with me still being in high school and him going to college and having a full time job, it really just wouldn't work, so we just agreed it would probably be best if we broke up. But we are friends. He actually even came to my birthday party on Friday. Gotta admit though that afterwards I was kinda sad because that was the first time we had seen each other since we broke up. Wasn't awkward or anything like that. It just made me kinda sad because I realized that no matter how much I deny it or say that I'm getting over him, I'm not over him and I still love him, like a lot :(

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i want food

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I feel the need to talk about what I said at the end of BACK PAINSSS. about my parents getting divorced. sooo basically, my mom admitted to the fact that she has been having an affair for a year now and so she told my dad she's moving out and moving in with this women she's so in love with. and like everyone new around January of this year because she really had stopped hiding it so well. I mean it was so blatantly obvious like everyone that knew her had figured it out. and also figured out who it was with. so yeah. She moved out of the house and moved in with this woman the first week of June. and she's kinda been a bitch about everything. she's acting like a fucking five year old petty child. she got all butt hurt because my dad changed his relationship status on Facebook from married to divorced. like wtf are you getting all upset about!? you're the one who chose to do this. Plus the only way she would have been able to see that is if she was practically stalking his account. she has said so much shit to me. stuff that i just can't even believe a mother could say to her daughter. I really feel like I don't even have a mom anymore. she didn't bother even trying to fight my dad for custody or even visitation rights. and she hardly ever talks to me anymore or does anything with me. she said she's not coming to breakfest for my birthday because my grandma (dad's mom) will be there and she thinks she's gonna say something to her about all this. Like wtf no she's not my grandma isn't like that. and also so what if she does?? why do you care? she's literally throwing her whole life away. she doesn't talk to any family anymore. I mean for christ sake she hasn't even talked to her own DAD since fathers day!! and she's slowly starting to talk less and less to me and my brother. I don't know it's just all really fucked up. she gets so petty because people are checking up on my dad and asking if hes ok but not her. yeah maybe because you left him and threw away the last 24 years you've been together and completely shattered his heart while your over here in la la land with the perfect life thinking everything is just all kittens and rainbows. and she expects for people to not be mad at her too!!! like my dads sister stopped talking to her and blocked her and shit and my moms like "wow I don't get why she would do that. I don't get why she's mad at me" like seriously!?? you don't get why my dads older sister would be mad at you for hurting him like that?? like omg what's wrong with your brain.
I know I shouldn't be talking about her like this cus she is still my momn after all but like god damn what is going through her head that she thinks everyone is just gonna be fine with this?! it's just all extremely fucked up and I wish none of it was happening.
so yeah. that's why my parents are getting a divorce. I believe the divorce will be completely final in a week or so.

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hello my dudes. I feel like this padlet is dead lol.
but anyways...
back pains. yes. I have had quite severe back pains since getting hit by a car freshman year. it is now junior year. it's been almost two years. we had gone to the ER and they said there was nothing wrong with my back. so we went home. pain increased. got worse with many a things. I can't sit for to long or it hurts. I can't stand for to long or it hurts. I can't lay down for to long or it hurts. I can't stay still for to long or it hurts. I can't move for to long or it hurts. So in other words I can't do anything for to long or it hurts. so since it's been like this for so long my dad decided to take me to a chiropractor. they did xrays and discovered that I have a vertebra in my spine that is out of place. it is pushed back further then it should be and also pushing down onto the disc below it and kinda smooshing it slightly and causing the disc to pinch a large cluster of nerves. so yeah. quite painful if I do say so myself. and I've had this issue for almost two years now. and the chiropractor told me that it has more then likely gotten worse over time because of not getting treatment sooner. which makes sense considering over time it has most definitely started to hurt a lot worse. so yeah. SUCK IT you dumb ER doctors that said there was nothing wrong.
also i actually would have gotten it taken care of a lot sooner but my mom always said no because "there's nothing wrong with it and we'll just be wasting money blah blah BLAH" but now that my parents are divorced and she moved out my dad said he will finally take me :)

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please. pain. lots of pain. CRAAAAAMPS ARE KILLING MEeEeEeE

also HEADACHEEEEEE and BACK PAINSSSS

mother natures a bish

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Yesterday was CHAOS. School was good but like before school was OOOOF. So Tuesday night I checked PowerSchool to see what time my bus would be picking me up. It said 8:09. So I'm like, ok I'll start walking to the corner at like 8. So I'm about to open the door to go outside and I hear a bus go by. So I'm standing here hoping its the middle school bus, since it comes just a few minutes before ours. so I go outside and look at the bus and see 47 on the back and I'm just like... oh shit thats my bus. She was already starting to turn the corner so I took of SPRINTING and screaming "WAIT WAIT!" and someone heard or saw me because she stopped and i get up to the bus and realize that there was some girl running after me and she catches up to me and hands me my phone and is like "here you dropped your phone" and I'm just like well shit thanks that could have been bad.
It was stressful and chaotic
turns out there was a huge glitch in the system and everyone's pick up time was entered wrong. SO like that's nice to have such a huge glitch in the system for such important information. My pickup time is actually 7:50 not 8:09 and I just ended up lucky that she was running late. And then we were also late to school. We got here at like 8:26.
luckily everything was on time today. I even went to the corner early just to make sure I was on time. but god damn yesterday morning was stressful.

also I feel the need to say that my mask smells really good because I just washed it a couple days ago and haven't worn this one till now. It smells nice.

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My cousin goes to Northrop and he said that they cancelled their prom because of the coronavirus and I'm just over here like... if we cancel our prom I'm gonna be pissed, as I'm sure everyone else planning on going will be. I mean ok I get why everyone is scared but people are honestly overreacting and way over hyping it. Tom Hanks and his wife got it and he made a post saying that they were feeling a little under the weather with a sore throat and body chills and they just felt like they had a cold, if that, but decided to get tested for the virus anyways just to be safe and they tested positive and so he was like "gee I sure hope I don't die from my body chills, since that's really about all I have." Like ok so me and my dad were talking about the statistics of it the other night and in the span of 6 months 500 people have been infected and 30 have died in the US, but in that same time span last year over 4 million people were infected with the flu and over 81,000 people died from it in just the US alone, so why are people so worried about this and not the flu? Like ok I get the fact that it's new and we don't have a vaccine for it but honestly people just need to calm down. Also we were talking about this in my english class the other day, it's actually not even new. It's been around for hundreds of years, it just hasn't ever infected so many people so we never heard about it. I'll admit I was terrified in the beginning, but that was because of lack of information. Like so many people have a lack of information about this and that's what's causing such mass hysteria. The symptoms of the coronavirus are literally the same as a cold. The symptoms are things like runny or stuffy nose, sore throat, headache, head pressure, body chills, higher temp than usual (doesn't necessarily have to be a fever just higher than usual) and in some cases shortness of breath or difficulty breathing. Literally the exact same as a cold. It's really just a mix between a cold and the flu like it really isn't as bad as people are making it seem. Sorry I'm sure y'all are sick of hearing about the coronavirus because I am too but I wanted to rant to someone about it.

oh another thing I forgot to add is that some people have gotten it without even knowing, so if you can get it and not even know it then it really isn't that bad.

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How has everyone's week been?
Mine has been pretty depressing and stressful but it's fine I'm trying to push my way through it.

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At the beginning of the school year I was nominated to win an award for the volunteer work I do at a nursing home. Yesterday I was awarded the President's Volunteer Service Award and received a certificate along with a signed letter from President Trump!! I'm honestly still in shock about it like I didn't expect to get it. I'm so happy and proud of myself.

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Two years goes by faster then you would think. A lot can change in just two years. Some for the better. Two years ago I was in 8th grade, now I'm a sophomore. Two years ago I was surrounded by a lot of fake friends. Now I'm surrounded by friends who love me. Two years ago I had a friend who was insanely toxic, who I really didn't need in my life. Now I've completely dropped her out of my life. Two years ago I was single. Now I have a wonderful boyfriend. Some things.. change for the worse. Two years ago I got to talk to my best friend. Now I don't. Two years ago my best friend was still here. Now she's not. Two years ago today my best friend took her final breath...
Oh Evelyn. How has it already been two years? It still doesn't feel real to me. I miss you so much. There's so much going on lately that you would be overflowing with happiness about. You always teased me for not having a boyfriend. Now I do have a boyfriend and I know you would love him. You would also be so happy to know that I'm going to prom. There's just so much that has happened in the last two years that you've missed. I'm happy for you knowing that your in a better place with no pain, but there's some days that I'm selfish. There's some days that I wish you were still here, here in this painful world. Just four months after you passed away my cousin Amanda passed away, and just a week after her my Uncle Paul. I could have really used you then. You would have known just how to comfort me. I just miss you so much. I'm struggling without you here. I still remember our secret handshake by heart. I still have the bracelet you gave me for my birthday. Unfortunately it broke so I can't wear it anymore, although I took the little heart charm that was on it and put it in a locket with a picture of you and me, so I can still wear a part of it. I still have our matching bracelets. After you passed away Kathy gave me your bracelet and I have them sitting in my room. I still have the last thing you gave me, just a few days before you died. It sits next to a picture of you and me everyday, and I sleep with it every night. I'll never forget our final goodbye. I was sitting next to you while you were laying in bed, barely responsive. I was holding your hand and I told you "I love you" and said that I had to go and you said "I love you too. But please don't leave" and I told you that I was sorry but I needed to go home and do my homework and you told me that you didn't want me to go but you understood. Then we exchanged "I love you" one last time. Oh Evelyn. I miss you so much. I can't wait till the day I can see your face again. I love you so much <3

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tomorrow marks two years since my best friend died and I-i just don't know how to cope with that. It still doesn't feel real. I miss her so so much. We had a secret handshake and I will never forget. And when I say secret, I mean secret. Like no one else knew it and no one else ever will. We had sworn to each other that we would never show it to anyone else lol. We had matching bracelets and now I have both hers and mine sitting in my room. I also have the bracelet she gave me for my birthday, and the last thing she ever gave me before she passed away... I just miss her so much. I really wish she was she was still here. There's so much stuff happening lately that I know she would be so happy about. Like the fact that I have a boyfriend and that I'm going to prom. She would be overflowing with happiness. I know she's in a better place and I'm so happy for her, because she's in a perfect place with no pain, but I am really just struggling so hard without her here. I wish I could just have one last conversation with her. Just one conversation to tell her about everything going on in my life right now. Everything that she's missed in the last two years. Introduce her to my boyfriend. I wish I could just have the chance to talk to her one more time. I miss her so much

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date ideas? pls and or.. restaurant recommendations

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date ideas? pls and or.. restaurant recommendations

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is gonna be hard for me. This Thursday will mark two years since my best friend died..

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I'm having a panic attack and like I don't know anyone in this class so idk who to talk to or what to do. Typically when I'm having a panic attack I'll talk to one of my friends to help calm down but I don't know anyone in this class, or my next class. F*cking hell what do i do

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Ok so I volunteer at a nursing home. I've been volunteering there for almost 4 years. So there was this one lady that I met and become very close to. I'm not going to say her real name but we'll just call her Lucy. So I ended up making the discovery that I know Lucy's one son Peter and his wife Kate. I've actually known them my whole entire life. They are very good family friends that we know from church, and we've known them for years. So I remember that Kate had told me that whenever the time came that Lucy was close to passing, she would message me so that I could come and have a chance to say my goodbyes. Well on Wednesday I get on Facebook and the first post to pop up in my feed is a post by Kate. It said "Late last night my sweet mother-in-law Lucy passed away. We knew that it was going to be soon. She's been on basically on her death bed for the past couple of weeks. We'll miss you Lucy" and she had actually posted that on Tuesday so that means she passed away on Monday night, and I didn't even find out till Wednesday. Plus I found out from a f*cking Facebook post. Like Kate had told me that eventually when the day comes that she's near the end she would let me know so I would have time to come in a say my goodbyes. She never did. She didn't even tell me that she had passed away. i found out two days later through a f*cking Facebook post.

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This week has not been very good. Between being annoyed and frustrated with everything I've also cried a lot. But that's the joy of being emotional af because of your period. I can't wait till I see my boyfriend Saturday and can cuddle with him because I know that'll make me feel better.

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I have to sing a solo in choir today and I really don't want to. I'm so nervous. I feel like I'm gonna completely fail.

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She's out of the cone!! :) The vet called yesterday and said that we could take the cone off now, instead of in another week, if her ear looks fine and we watch it.

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In ten days it'll mark two years since my best friend died...

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ok I'm sorry I feel like I'm posting on here to much I mean the last like 8 posts are mine but...
I'm so annoyed with my 4th period. Like not anyone in specific or any people for that matter. I just absolutely hate this class. It's so boring. And the teacher doesn't. even. f*cking. teach. Like he seriously shouldn't be a teacher I swear. I seriously hate this class and regret taking it but it's to late to drop it now ._.

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I'm really excited for Valentine's Day this year. This will be my first Valentine's Day in a relationship and that makes me so happy :)
I've started working on making some stuff for my boyfriend. He loves anime so I found out his top five favorite through his best friend and I drew the picture/symbol for them. I also started working on an idea I found on Pinterest. I got a Mason jar and painted it his favorite color, and I'm gonna fill it with reasons that I love him. I'm also gonna put in two or three pictures of us and his favorite candy. I'll also put in a starbucks gift card and an xbox gift card. I'm also gonna get a frame and put a picture of me and him in it and paint the frame with things that are special to us/him. I'm so excited :)

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one of my friends came up to me and instead of saying something like "hey how are you today?" or "good morning" she just look me dead in the eyes and says "I look gay" XD

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Her ear started filling up with blood again so we had to take her back to the vet. They had to do surgery on it and she has to wear the cone of shame for 14 days. My poor baby :( I feel so bad for her.

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Last night we had to take my cat to the emergency vet. She was perfectly fine all day until around 9ish last night. She was in a lot of pain and couldn't get comfortable. She was literally crying out in pain and kept twitching her head. She also didn't want anyone to pet her, which is very unlike her. So we took her to the emergency vet and they said that she had a really bad hematoma in her right ear. If you don't know what that is, it's a big pocket of blood that forms from a blood vein bursting. They had to do an hour long procedure to drain all the blood. We won't know for a week or so but she also might need surgery on it :( my poor baby

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I'm so damn tired. I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. I've never gotten that little of sleep, especially on a school night. I've been going to bed somewhat late for like the past week so I told myself last night that I was gonna go to bed early so I could actually get a good amount of sleep. Yeah well that didn't happen because we had to take my cat to the emergency vet and we didn't get home till one in the morning. I'm so tireddddd

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I had to write a found poem fir English and I'ms super proud of it 

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I had to write a found poem fir English and I'ms super proud of it 

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1. One of the things that we often don’t talk about

2. it was a struggle to be taken seriously by the leadership,

3. and that wasn’t fair…

4. This was not – we’re not going to get a consensus

5.  remember the challenge and urgency of the freedom struggle

6. in their daily lives:

7.  I so never understood that to be honest with you

8. as devoted to the struggle as they were

9. it might have shattered.

10. Now we're going to march again, and we've got to march again, in order to put the issue where it is supposed to be

11. "Ain't gonna let nobody turn me around."

12. Now these are some practical things that we can do

13. Let us develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness

14. I'm not worried about anything.

15. And so I'm happy, tonight

16. I'm not fearing any man!

17. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!!

18.  And that’s why that Movement could hold so long.

19. Thank you very kindly, my friends.

20.  I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

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Can I please see her smile again? Can I please just hear her laugh again? Even if it's the last time? Can I please talk to her again? Can I please just tell her how I feel again? Even if it's just for a few seconds? Can I please just have my cousin back?... even if it's just for a single second?

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everything has been such a mess tbh my bf is my rock right now. I want him to know when im struggling but also i dont want him to look at me like that ya know. even my mom started looking at me like that bc my families have been messes and i never talk or see my mom and i live with her. :( and i have so much to do i just wanna fall apart. ive started crying again alot. i just. idk. its alright. im staying positive. and he makes me so happy i am never gonna be able to let him gko. even when he goes to ball state next year and ima be muy sado and make hinm come see me alotttt.

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I've been feeling depressed lately. I try not to show it but it's hard. I just have all these emotions of sadness, anger, and numbness building up inside of me, and I don't know who to talk to

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Later this year it'll be two years since you gained your wings. I still can't believe it. It never gets any easier. I can still see your smile and hear your laugh. You had such a contagious laugh. It's so hard without you here. I miss you so much. There's a hole in my heart. Things have changed since you left, and they'll never be the same. Everyone misses you so much. You played a role in so many peoples stories. You touched so many lives. You were one special person. I'm at a point where I can't cry anymore. I just feel numb. There's days I break down. There's days I just can't take it anymore. All these feelings of sadness, anger, numbness, they just build up and need to be let out. There's days I forget that you're gone. I forget that you aren't here and I go to text you. I never did text you much before you died. Probably only once or twice in my life, but there's just so many things happening lately that I want to tell you about. I want to tell you about high school. You were so excited to see me go into high school. Your baby cousin. Your youngest cousin starting the next big chapter of her life. I know how excited you were. I want to tell you about all the friends I've made. I want to tell you about going to semi, and how I'm going to prom. I know that for both events you would want to do my hair and take me dress shopping. I want to tell you about my boyfriend. I know you would be beyond happy that I have a boyfriend. I know that you wouldn't stop bugging me to meet him, as most of our family already does haha. I just miss you so much Manda. My old bus always stopped right in front of your house. I was always hopeful that one of those days I'd see you coming out. And then I remembered. Although one day I did see Stryker. That was the first time that I had seen him since your funeral. He's doing ok. He misses you. We all miss you. I can't even put in to words how much I miss you. I would give anything to have you back. I would give anything to hear your laugh one last time, to see your smile. I just want you back. I just want my cousin back.

F*ck cancer

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challenged me to wear outfits and eye shadow looks that are more out of my comfort zone and I have to say that initially today was definitely the most out of my comfort zone, both eye shadow and outfit wise, although I'm really starting to like it. I'm in love with my outfit now and I will definitely wear it again. I will also do the eye shadow look again, just maybe on a day when we don't have school, so that I have more time, because it took me a while and I almost missed the bus because of it.

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I have to sing a solo in choir and I don't want toooooo someone save me please

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I freaking love my boyfriend. I was texting him last and at one point I thought he was getting annoyed with me so I said sorry and he said there was no need for sorry and said that he wasn't mad or anything and then he was sending me random memes because he felt bad that I thought he was mad and he doesn't want me to think that he'd ever get mad at me and I'm just like... why you so sweet tho I freaking love him

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Can you guys get onto any google docs or slides? My laptop keeps saying that there's an error whenever I try and I tried refreshing, waiting a couple minutes and going back to it, and restarting my laptop but it still says there's an error whenever I try to open one.

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we had to type what we would change if we were president and I'm happy about that because I have some stuff I'd want to change about schools. Here's what I typed

I would change the classes you have to take in school. I’d change them to more useful subjects like life skills such as how to pay off debt and mortgage, how to raise a family, how to pay bills, things like that, and make things like math and english and geography an option based on what you want to do after highschool. Of course there would still be simple math, english and geography, but after elementary it would be an option and you would be learning more life skills. I would also make it that schools and workplaces have to give staff and students at least three or more days in a year to take off as mental health days because our mental health is important and it’s good to take a few days off for that.

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There's this one dude that I'm kinda friends with but hes honestly starting to get on my nerves and really annoy me lately. My foot is hurt and he keeps calling me crippled because of it, which doesn't bother me at all because I know he's joking and my friends and family have made that joke too, but he's just seriously getting on my nerves lately. Idk why honestly. Today he came up to me and was like "Oh hey there crippled" and I just kinda glared at him and didn't respond and he said "can you like not walk any faster then that? oh wait i forgot your crippled" and so I glared at him again and started walking away from him and he came back over to me and says "what are you in a bad mood or something?" and I'm just thinking b*tch I was in a fine mood until you came up and started talking to me. Idk what it even is but he's just really been on my nerves lately.

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tonight I'm hanging out with my boyfriend and a few other friends. We're gonna play D and D and then my group of friends (We call ourselves the Bratz Pack XD), my best friend A,her boyfriend I, me and my boyfriend M are gonna stay after and hang out and I'm excited :) I wanna see M. I WANNA FREAKING CUDDLE

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My hot chocolate is gone and now I'm sad

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I'm going to my boyfriend's house tonight :)) We're gonna watch movies and cuddle and stuff :)))

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I'm happy because my friend bought me hot chocolate

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I'M HAPPYYY so like last night I was face timing with my boyfriend and he told me that he loves me for the first time and it seriously made me so happy and I can't stop smiling :)

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Monday I was at my boyfriends house and his mom made dinner and a pie. So me and my boyfriend were in the kitchen because we had just finished eating dinner and his mom was in the other room so she asked him to check and see if the pie was done and so he sticks his whole face in the oven and goes "How do I tell if it's done?" and then looked over at me and says "My eyes are burning" and then a little while later he says "wow my eyes are like really dry and still kinda burning" and I'm just over here like... well you see that's why we don't put our whole face into an oven XD I'm dating a genius

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mmm i think im gonna lose my v*rg*n*ty soon

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My boyfriends great :)

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cramps. just started today while at school so thats great and it hurts lots and i have a ton to do today. please kill me.

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I"M GOING TO PROM

MY BOYFRIEND ASKED ME IF I WANNA GO TO PROM LAST NIGHT AND AHHHHH I'M SO HAPPY AND EXCITED :D

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I'm trying out for a solo in choir and I'm really freaking nervous and I think I change my mind and don't wanna do it but at the same time I wanna do it but AHHHH idk I'm nervous as heck

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I'm pretty sure that I either broke my ankle or tore a ligament. fun times, fun times.

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I got my hair cut and I absolutely love it. Like I'm obsessed with it.

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i change my mind every 2 seconds but fr i might be buying at $63 skateboard.

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i really like my boyfriend

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here we go 2020

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So yesterday I ended up leaving school early and going to the doctor. I'm in a boot and on crutches now. I have the crutches until the end of the week, possibly longer ( I won't know until the weekend if I need them longer or not) and the boot for two weeks and then I go back to the doctor and he'll tell me if I need to continue wearing the boot or go down to an ankle brace. So basically here's what happened... I was at the mall with some friends and my boyfriend and I was going up the escalator and for some reason decided to run and my foot got caught and twisted and I heard a loud pop/crack. So the doctor said that is a really bad sprain and there's one spot that she is a little concerned about but can't really tell if it's a fracture or not so she's sending the x-rays over to a foot specialist to have him look at them and decide if it's a break or not and then when I go back in two weeks that's who i'll be seeing. so I only need the crutches till the end of this week (possibly longer) and the boot for two weeks (possibly longer)

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yay new background I like it

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Its always good to change stuff up. I for one am ready for a new decade. Even tho i wish i could've held on to the last.