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When given an option I bump it up a notch n say neither neither the former nor the latter take the ladder to the bottom n get to the root of the problem solver is what I claim to be to be to the problems only I can see like an only child to a family the hindrance and the catalyst is all within me

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When given an option I bump it up a notch n say neither neither the former nor the latter take the ladder to the bottom n get to the root of the problem solver is what I claim to be to be to the problems only I can see like an only child to a family the hindrance and the catalyst is all within me

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Audio and Images collected first-hand in Chicago

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Audio and Images collected first-hand in Chicago

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Defund the Police Defend Black Lives Release White Supremacy Ideologies

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Children learn by emulating what they see and hear

Teenagers listen and learn by eavesdropping

Adults have selective hearing and a jaded vision

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Conversational diet: how you feel, intentions, issues that matter, recreation, silence

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Conversational diet: how you feel, intentions, issues that matter, recreation, silence

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You are society’s media, what messages are you sending?
You are society’s media, what messages are you sending?

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You are society’s media, what messages are you sending?
You are society’s media, what messages are you sending?

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What would you say if you knew people were listening? What would you do if you knew people were watching? 

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What would you say if you knew people were listening? What would you do if you knew people were watching? 

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Finding social solutions keeps me up some nights

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Finding social solutions keeps me up some nights

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Correct the conversation

Model thinking, resistance, correction

Record/post people’s conversations w/me without their permission

Hold them accountable or give them credit for what they are comfortable saying

Broadcast personal conversations to publicize voices

Implore others to do the same #areyoulistening

Turn conversation into action w/ driving questions

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1:19am stream of consciousness  uninterrupted by the doom scroll

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1:19am stream of consciousness  uninterrupted by the doom scroll

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Be who you needed to hear and see when you were a youngster. Be your youngster’s example. Everyday. In what you say, what you do, what you consume, and what you permit. Be your message. Empathizers embody the problems of their world, and in response must expel the solution as uncontrollably as they absorb it. Those that see no issue cannot be part of the solution, their role is evident. But those of us that carry the weight and do not unload it by executing individual action will be beared down and no longer able to do the work, or think about anything other than survival. They will cocoon in their self-preservation see no hear no speak no, therefore think there is no evil. Validate their response to oppression in turning a blind eye, ignorance is bliss, it’s not my business. Mind your business, your people, your problems. The system creates so many individual problems, you can lend a hand, an ear or an eye to what you don’t believe is your problem, yet you are aware it exists. What is your proximity to the issues you see around you? How do they exist in plain sight or even in tour peripheral, and it have nothing to do with you? The distance is the distance you insist on, the distance you’ve learned to keep. Your communication is your action and it should bring and demand enlightenment, comfort, connection, Joy, love, accountability, or reverence in the form of silence. Stop putting extraneous and unintentional communication into the ether. People, especially young people are counting on us to show them who they can be. To give them permission to be themselves and act on what doesn’t feel right. We are as good as our last action. Video games are addicting because they give you immediate feedback and opportunity to retry while the goals get harder. We must reapply this concept to life, which is where game designers got this concept, and take each experience as a teachable moment, an ability to retry while setting our goal to reach more people, rather than retrying on the same people that do not benefit from our efforts. Everyone knows a white person. Make them feel their race. Call them white. When you walk into a white dominant space call it out like you would an other observation, damn it’s cold, it smells, there’s a spider, there’s a lot of white people. Because the rest of us feel and see it all the time. This is part of the paradigm shift. If racism is meant to divide, we must unite without question. If it is systematic, as individuals, we must be the wrench that halts the gears. If the root cause of the issue is bigger than us, than we must become bigger than the symptoms of the issue. Our existence, the atmosphere created by the tree, must be the result of the emission of the system that allows the tree to even exists. This is nature. In order for a tree to exist, it needs nitrates, something we humans avoid. Through the tree’s sustainability process to turn sunlight into food, it converts carbon dioxide, something human emit into oxygen, something humans consume. If our survival is based on the tree’s waste product, Then a system’s symptoms are the air we breathe. And that air must become the reason we thrive in spite of the system. The only reason there is oxygen is because of the tree’s system. The only reason for our purpose is because of The issue. The atmosphere the symptoms cause must become our purpose. The purpose of life is to find your atmosphere. If you were like a dolphin, and consciously took each breath, what would make you breathe? Your atmosphere, your purpose consists of how you execute your response to the system you have been subjected or witness to. If you haven’t been subjected or witness to any systems that you are aware of, your purpose is driven by attainment. What You attain you either discard as waste product Or hoard to control who benefits. Those of us that don’t have much, and hoard what we do have are responding to what has never been give to us, so we hold onto things for dear life like our visual clutter will keep us afloat in the capitalism sea of having SOMETHING, when actually it suffocates you, inhibits you’re sunlight, restricts your movement and dictates how you execute your purpose because identity is in your belongings instead of your actions. Tour purpose and atmosphere and respond to the system should be an intentional act to attain the antonyms if you’re symptoms. systems waste product is your work, your livelihood, your oxygen. If the issue doesn’t exist without the system, then the system cannot exist without the issue. Beat the system by negating the symptoms of the issues so the root cause of a systems dismantling is your individual insistence to exist in response to your surroundings. If you make the decision to not respond to not act to not intentionally communicate you become the reason the system thrives even if you’re not the reason the system exists. If all you’re doing is being subjected to the symptoms, you are building a tolerance for the unforgivable and consequently the unforeseen. There has to be a result of the symptoms not just an effort to rip the tree from its roots so you can say no issue, no reason for issue, no consequences. This is unrealistic and the more we strive to organize people toward this goal the more effectively we tire the people with good intentions. The system will exist, if not in this form, then in another. Identify the issue, investigate root causes, observe the symptoms, and set yourself into an intentional response to your surroundings so you are consciously taking each breath and sustainably living off the air you create for yourself in spite of the system. Humans begin where the tree’s process ends. Trees like systems don’t need us to survive, they thrive in spite of us, how will we thrive in spite of a system? Because you have oxygen you can live, how will you show gratitude for that precious oxygen, your ability to live even if you don’t know what you’re doing with your breath? How can you show gratitude, even empathy toward the system? After all, you wouldn’t be this fierce without it and you wouldn’t want to be the person in your way while you execute your purpose.

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My son was alienated from me, but as he and his father will tell it, it’s all his choice, and he truly just doesn’t want to see me because I am an unworthy mom who won’t respect his father’s, I mean, his, wishes of living life the way they, I mean, he, sees fit. This must be why my son has ceased to reach out to me but my ex can’t seem to stop. Oh yeah, DUH, silly me, my son DOES want to see me, he just suddenly needs his fathers approval, guidance, and presence whenever he makes contact. This audio was taken a year before the birthday I didn’t get a birthday wish. I was acutely aware of what was going on way before I left his father and knew to capture moments like these because I may not get them again. Hope for the best plan for the worst is what made this creation possible

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I can be a mom

I can be a good mom

an educated mom a mom who brings her child everywhere. a loving caring sweet neat mom a mom who shares. I can be a thoughtful mom a mom that volunteers and says yes I can be a lunch-packing go-to-every-game mom a mom who reads every night. I can be a homework-helping laundry-folding cooking dishwashing mom. I can be a selfless mom a mom who does it all an energetic laughing smiling light and hearty mom. I can be a nature mom museum mom adventure traveling sledding slime-making mom. I can be an adoring mom an involved mom a mom who doesn’t miss a beat. I can be a cool mom a piñata mom a mom who plans the birthdays. I can be a professional mom a talkative mom a camera-toting soft-spoken mom. I can be an agreeable mom a mom who plays basketball and drums a mom who loves what you like. I can be a mom who signs up for all the classes and has learned to ask first. I can be a kind mom an involved mom a mom who gives advice. I can be an honest mom a singing mom a mom who watches YouTube vines. I can be a mom who hugs and kisses and rubs the back and twirls the hair. I can be a mom with the medicine a mom with the groceries and a mom with appointments. I can be a mom with gifts a mom who’s present even when she’s not there a mom with great memories

I can be a mom

I can be a bad mom

a yelling mom a needy mom a cursing crazy mean mean mom an intimidating mom a mom worth hating. I can be a dishonest and brutally honest mom a mom who ruins Santa. I can be a double-standard holding condescending mom a mom that says no. I can be a late mom a busy mom too distracted forgetful unorganized mom. I can be a ruthless mom a scorned mom a grudge-holding eye-rolling fucked up mom. I can be a depressed and depressing mom a sleeping mom an isolated and insomniac mom. I can be an unshowered-for-days mom a mom on her last dollar a crying mom an angry mom a mom with regrets. I can be an inconsistent mom an undiagnosed unpredictable mom a mom in transition. I can be a teen mom a mom that doesn’t meet expectations a disappointing and disappointed mom a thoughtless mom and a mom with issues. I can be a sick mom a weak mom and a meek mom. I can be a boring mom a quiet mom a mom who is anxious and paranoid a mom who’s not there even when she’s present. I can be a strict mom a questionable mom a mom that demands accountability. I can be a bitch mom a mom with choices a mom who knows her worth a mom who gets up from the table and a mom who leaves

I can be a mom

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Notes from the Kanye West interview w/ David Letterman (My Next Guest Needs No Introduction

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Notes from the Kanye West interview w/ David Letterman (My Next Guest Needs No Introduction

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Power vs. Force, nature vs. nurture, delusional confidence, the universe makes no accidents, tastemakers, changemakers, creative director, the brain wants what the brain gets, some things take time to understand, we forget who we are- we go crazy and show what’s inside us, who decides who has a say, demand your say by saying it they can worry about it later, light therapy James turrell, contribute to the culture with your art that.  The devil is the angel of music, liberals bully conservatives

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Family comes and goes, family is not yours to keep, family is for you to find and then for you to nurture. Family, is a label like any other identity, it’s fluid, not permanent.

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Like garlic salt I put my middle name on everything. If there isn’t a field for middle names, I put it with my first name as a constant reminder I was given 3 names for a reason. I began using my middle name religiously when I lost my Joy. I realized that what I’d lost was with me all along, it was just being smothered. Like a 🔥, I had to get some fresh air, feed it with the breeze of my humanity. I use my middle name as my affirmation of what to to fight for, what to protect, and what to prioritize.

What brings you joy? What brought you joy today? What brought you joy yesterday? Make sure it happens again today. Take control of your joy.

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When given an option I bump it up a notch n say neither neither the former nor the latter
take the ladder to the bottom n get to the root of the problem
solver is what I claim to be
to solve the problems only I can see
like an only child to a family
the hindrance and the catalyst is all in one within me

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Amari and D* got into a verbally abusive fight after D* began teasing her during a presentation. As I tried to stop D, this fueled her more. Some students were horrified and some were egging her on. Because she began to move closer to the front of the room where Amari was, I went next door to get the teacher who had a good relationship with both of them. While she went in my room to try to calm them I watched over her room, and they looked terrified at what they heard. By the time the social worker and security guards came upstairs, the teacher was using her body to keep the door closed while Amari was using extreme force to try to get the door open where D was in the room with the students and no teacher. There were physical threats by both girls and there were threats of suicide that D was encouraging...

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The Opportunities to Pursue are the ones you have in front of you

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The Opportunities to Pursue are the ones you have in front of you

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Put yourself in a mindset to see the opportunities and put yourself in position to  make that opportunity to lead to the next

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6. Only one right way: “If you don’t see it my way, you are wrong”

7. Paternalism: Those with power think they can make decisions for everyone (ironic how the word comes from fatherhood.)

8. Either/or thinking: Things are either good or bad, right or wrong

9. Power hoarding: Power is seen as limited, only so much to go around

10. Fear of open conflict: People in power try to ignore conflict or run from it

11. Individualism: Competition is more highly valued than cooperation

12. I’m the only one: “Only I can do this”

13. Progress is bigger, more: The bigger an organization is, the better

14. Objectivity: Emotions should never play a role in Decision-making

15. Right to comfort: Talking about Racism make me uncomfortable, let’s stop.

Credit: https://www.instagram.com/p/CFRqJOzj1CU/?igshid=17526uuz7isv7

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Don’t Bump the Glump by Shel Silverstein: Selected Poem Read Aloud

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Calm Classroom Seated Mountain Stretching Exercise

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Calm Classroom Body Scan Relaxing Exercise

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Calm Classroom Deep Breathing Exercise w/ Waterfall

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Brother Eagle, Sister Sky: A message from Chief Seattle

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The Short and Incredibly Happy Life of Riley

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Personality Strengths and Weaknesses Using Via Institute

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FISH LOVE ABRAHAM TWERSKI SOME OF US HAVE BEEN DEVOURED SOME OF US ARE DOING THE DEVOURING

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MIND VALLEY TRANSFORMATIVE CHANGE / PRODUCT PROCESS IDENTITY GOALS

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG SON TO MOM BEFORE PARENTAL ALIENATION OCCURS

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PEACEFUL SUNSET WRITING COVID PEOPLE IN PARK

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One Mom’s Experience With Parental Alienation

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One Mom’s Experience With Parental Alienation

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Mother’s Day, along with the other holidays can be especially hard when you are separated from your family and friends. I am 32 years old and I have a 13 year old son who doesn’t talk to me. I left his (abusive) father last April after being with him for 15 years (since I was 15). When I moved out, my ex made my son his informant, found out about the man I was dating, and alienated my son against me. Even though I was EXTREMELY involved in my son’s life the first 12.5 years, my character has been assassinated with lies and things no child should hear, my identity as a mother has been erased, and my purpose in life has had to be re-written.

I tell you all of this because even though I am on the outside, I too have experience feeling isolated, wronged, and disconnected. The only person I want to have contact with is my son, and he ignores my emails and attempts at contact. The last time I saw him was in October, two days before his 13th birthday, when I went up to his school to drop off a gift. My tires were slashed that day and I moved two weeks later. I have chosen to not communicate with my mom’s side of the family, because my ex continues a relationship with them as if none of this has happened. Their inability to stand up for what is right, has made me stand even stronger. I text my mom, but I have not spoken to her since Christmas, and I do not intend to.

I have learned so much in the last year, mostly about loving myself, respecting myself, knowing my boundaries, and taking care of my energy. I have gone from not being able to get out of bed to finding people that make me get out of bed for them. Sometimes, we need reasons other than ourselves. I hope you experience moments of joy, I know I’ve had to get creative in making these moments for myself.

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PEACEFUL SUNSET WRITING COVID PEOPLE IN PARK

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There was this quote I came upon last summer that intrigued me until it haunted me. “Who have you had your last conversation with?” My instinctual answer was, how would we know, there’s so much life, and you don’t know what it brings or takes away. And then a few months later, I came to add several people to my list. Not in one fell swoop, but in a short period of time because I held them to one measure, to know and then do better, they all fell short, and now my door is closed. Actually, I don’t think I expected them to do better, I just expected them to care, and that’s why their actions, or lack thereof, were so hurtful, and now I’ve remained so justified and steadfast in my decision to cease their access to my energy.

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my door is open until it’s closed. Sometimes I slam the door so hard the house shakes and sometimes I close it quietly as if to leave the house without notice. Sometimes I shut the door because I need a moment and by the time I open the door, their door is now shut. I knock and either they don't answer or they respond by turning up the music. I turn away hurt realizing I came too late, or I’ve shut my door too often, or now they need their moment. This can become cyclical, where now both of you need moments behind your closed doors that it becomes habitual. Your solace becomes your safety net and that person’s presence is a threat. If not a real threat, a threat to your peace. And really, what other threat is there? Now my door is open but not as much and there’s this sliver of space. A cracked door to suggest, yes, I'm observing my office hours, but I’m busy, it better be worth my time. Barely anyone takes advantage of that sliver of space. They see that almost-closed door and focus on the lack of space rather than the fact that light is shining through. I’ve always been the one to quickly slip through a door before it closes so I don’t have to put my hands on the door. Not because I’m a germaphobe but because I saw the opportunity and took it. I have so few people around me because I keep expecting people to have the same disposition and keep coming up at a loss.

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I have to stop writing about things that have happened in the past and focus on things happening right now, because by the time they’re written, it’s already in the past anyway. Nelson Algren said “a writer doesn’t really live, he observes” and I finally felt okay being an observer, when I’ve felt like this was too much or not enough, when it’s just me, it’s what I do. Maybe if I write as incessantly as I observe, I will live differently.

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This life is so much bigger than us, so much more than a collection of moments to reflect upon. We have so much to give, so much to offer, and yet we focus on tasks that will have no impact later. Tasks we won’t even remember the next day. I want to be known because I was remembered. I want to be remembered for losing and still living. What is life but a constant state of losses and gains, with gains being more intentionally acquired than our losses. I may not plan my losses, but I am in control of them. My son has taught me this important Buddhist mantra, to learn to let go. He did before me, I wonder if he identifies as a Buddhist. Nikki Giovanni said “people don’t just love out the blue, you let them love you.” I am known to push people away, but only after I’ve made them aware of how not to hurt me. There’s always this conversation; with my son, my mom, two of my cousins, and of course, my ex. This conversation, a baring of my soul really, that must just scare the vulnerability right out of them, because they never have any to spare for me in this moment. It’s as if my level of awareness, or my boldness to speak my truth, or my very existence is a call to action, which it is. A call to make them act like I just made them aware. My goal was not to get them to agree with me, but to either have a conversation about our realities or for them to know better and do better. I guess that’s where I lose people, when I give people the opportunity to do better because they know better, and they don’t. This may be because they don’t believe me, we just don’t share the same reality, or they just can’t do better. I try to empathize with those that don’t share my reality, which is everyone. What I am asking of them is unrealistic because they don’t see things or know things as I know them. I guess, when they really lose me is when they don’t communicate effectively what their intentions are. Don’t leave me guessing on your intentions, I won’t do you any favors.

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I know my ex isn’t all evil, no one is. I know I am not all good, no one is. The things he has done to me and the ways he has made me feel are both evil and good. He has given me years of laughter, feelings of belonging, acceptance, value and worthiness. He has given me years of fight, tears, and reasons to find my path. I am forever grateful for the years I spent with him and the child we have together. I need to hear other stories of women’s loss. Specifically after childbearing. I would like to write an essay ‘One pregnancy, one birth, one child, no mother’ or maybe ‘Tangible but Untouchable’ or ‘Have you seen my child’, a sickly sarcastic spoof on the Dr. Seuss book, about erased moms. Maybe that’s what I can do, sickly sarcastic spoofs on childhood fiction that depict fucked up non-fiction. That way, I can take the unfamiliar and explain it using a platform that is familiar.

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There are people who will laugh at your pain. Re-enact your pain and laugh in your face as if they’re tagging you in to join the fun. Maybe they don’t expect you to laugh with them, they just don’t expect you to mind them laughing. In response to the trust you wrongly lent them in sharing your story, they replied ‘that’s not so bad’. Not because they’d been through worse, but because they’ve done worse to someone else. I don't know the devil but I know people who are devilish.

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There are people who will laugh at your pain. Re-enact your pain and laugh in your face as if they’re tagging you in to join the fun. Maybe they don’t expect you to laugh with them, they just don’t expect you to mind them laughing. In response to the trust you wrongly lent them in sharing your story, they replied ‘that’s not so bad’. Not because they’d been through worse, but because they’ve done worse to someone else. I don't know the devil but I know people who are devilish.

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Moments are snapshots. Collect the snapshots and look at the big picture.

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FISH LOVE ABRAHAM TWERSKI SOME OF US HAVE BEEN DEVOURED SOME OF US ARE DOING THE DEVOURING

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It really doesn't matter what you thought you were good at. Some people are incapable of caring or knowing what it took for you to be your best. I thought I was a good mom but in the end it didn't matter what I thought. I was only good for the purpose I served, what I provided, and how I completed the picture. An accessory that thought I was necessary. To hell with it. Burn it. Burn it all so the soil becomes richer than ever before to sow the seeds of a fresh start. I do not want what does not want me. What leaves I let go, what comes I accept. I'm not a fighter, except for my own sanity. My child has disowned me and I'm fighting to remain empathetic when he is hurting me more than his father ever could. This is what his father wants, to torment me with our child. The only way to prevail is to not care. To not let my child's actions affect me as much as they're meant to. The reason women aren't as successful as men is because they prioritize their relationships and identity over their craft. Hold people accountable to their roles, their word, or at least the truth. Demand more, walk in your full power. Hold your children accountable. Otherwise, they may become a narcissist.

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Being yourself doesn't serve you. Study and pretend to be what/who you want to be. Who you are is who you learned to be. Choose to be someone who blows you away. 

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Being yourself doesn't serve you. Study and pretend to be what/who you want to be. Who you are is who you learned to be. Choose to be someone who blows you away. 

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Aim to scare or aim to inspire.

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When children choose child abuse, abuse exists without the victim's acknowledgment 

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When children choose child abuse, abuse exists without the victim's acknowledgment 

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Yes, children can choose abuse, when the source has warped the abuse to be seen as empowerment, love, or loyalty.

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Take your smile one tooth at a time. Assemble them back in a stuffed animal so your childhood becomes an inanimate object

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Take your smile one tooth at a time. Assemble them back in a stuffed animal so your childhood becomes an inanimate object

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Waking up with your thoughts. Tired from your decisions. Emotional labor renders me too tired to prioritize my own precision

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Waking up with your thoughts. Tired from your decisions. Emotional labor renders me too tired to prioritize my own precision

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I don't know what is real anymore. I don't know what was ever real. I look back at photos looking for genuine smiles and all I remember are forced ones and the genuine smiles that came after tears, and argument, and during a feeling of unworthiness. A way to say, ‘see, I can be happy, I can ignore what just happened and how I feel’. Now, I'm happy until I realize I’m alone. I’m happy once I realize I don't make anyone else happy. I’m happy until I realize I have to alter or decrease my presence so I don’t take from someone else’s happiness or energy. I’m happy until I realize I have to look happy in order to make others happy. Is this how it is for everyone, or do I just look that unhappy that it’s devastating?

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Sometimes we just don't matter to the people that matter most to us
When no one else can hold us when we're most vulnerable we learn to hold ourselves
and find a different purpose for those people

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MIND VALLEY TRANSFORMATIVE CHANGE / PRODUCT PROCESS IDENTITY GOALS

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Individual actions are changing the world. Impromptu and intentional decisions are being made and witnessed of people righting wrongs, being the change, and killing negativity with kindness. People are coming together in solidarity and I am so proud and grateful to be alive right now. I have so much to fight for and now I have more people to fight with. In times of feeling lonely, now we can join the streets. In times of feeling hope/helpless, we can turn to social media to remind us of the hope we had a moment ago and a way to act the helplessness away. The seeds are being sown right now and the movement, the revolution, is so shocking because the seeds are sprouting visibly. Although we are far from the change we seek, we are seeing progress with the arrests if the other 3 killer cops in the George Floyd murder. More importantly, we are witnessing a paradigm shift and real-time evidence of unlearning and communication as an action reaping results. The freeing of protesters, the organizing of resources, the communities filling voids. Whether or not this is a trend is irrelevant. People are showing up in real ways to emulate behavior they needed permission to express. This experience is bringing people together, but the cognitive dissonance will also strengthen individuals in their pursuit to educate others or leave them behind. All we can do is be the message. We cannot control whether or not we get through. Just consider your actions as seeds that will be sown

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Individual actions are changing the world. Impromptu and intentional decisions are being made and witnessed of people righting wrongs, being the change, and killing negativity with kindness. People are coming together in solidarity and I am so proud and grateful to be alive right now. I have so much to fight for and now I have more people to fight with. In times of feeling lonely, now we can join the streets. In times of feeling hope/helpless, we can turn to social media to remind us of the hope we had a moment ago and a way to act the helplessness away. The seeds are being sown right now and the movement, the revolution, is so shocking because the seeds are sprouting visibly. Although we are far from the change we seek, we are seeing progress with the arrests if the other 3 killer cops in the George Floyd murder. More importantly, we are witnessing a paradigm shift and real-time evidence of unlearning and communication as an action reaping results. The freeing of protesters, the organizing of resources, the communities filling voids. Whether or not this is a trend is irrelevant. People are showing up in real ways to emulate behavior they needed permission to express. This experience is bringing people together, but the cognitive dissonance will also strengthen individuals in their pursuit to educate others or leave them behind. All we can do is be the message. We cannot control whether or not we get through. Just consider your actions as seeds that will be sown

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Seeds will be sown

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You're gonna have to conquer some fears to see some beautiful things

"...Compassion is fair and feeling is just..." The Book of Awakening -Mark Nepo

"Fight for your joy like you fight for your power" -Amanda Seales

Prepare to live in the moment

Kill your darlings

If it doesn't feed your heart it will kill your soul

You no longer have access to my magic. Be blocked and be blessed -Amanda Seales

This is the American Dream, they don't want you to wake up. Imagine all that you can have, strive for it while your efforts benefit the system.

History will judge the complicit.

Acknowledge what you do not know.

Your company is your media

You know what it is but you don't know what it do

Who knows, who cares
You do.
Be the only reason you need to do something

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Why does bringing out the best in people bring out the worst in me?
Why do people seem to be at their best when I'm at my worst?
Why do I even think I bring out the best in people?
Is someone able to bring the best out of me? AT what cost to them?

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I do what's best for me and it's best you made a mistake because you didn't know better than it is for me to tell you how you made me feel, trusting that you'll do better. Sometimes it just isn't worth the risk. Sometimes you save them from tainting the character you've created for them. Maybe that's how I got so lost for so long with one person. No, they knew better, they didn't do better, I still tried, but it didn't matter. And so I left from the table that was no longer serving the love I requested.

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At some point you give people no reason to love you so they have no way to hurt you

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Focus on the trees
Focus on the grass
Focus on the bright of the light
Because this too shall pass

Focus on their eyes
Focus on the silence
Focus on their smile
Focus on the violence

Focus on your skin
Focus on the wind
Focus on the  future you
Focus with intention

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Confusing light in the heart with a glimmer of hope. Some people are just looking for a nice patch of grass to scratch their ass.

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My son was alienated from me, but as he and his father will tell it, it’s all his choice, and he truly just doesn’t want to see me because I am an unworthy mom who won’t respect his father’s, I mean, his, wishes of living life the way they, I mean, he, sees fit. This must be why my son has ceased to reach out to me but my ex can’t seem to stop. Oh yeah, DUH, silly me, my son DOES want to see me, he just suddenly needs his fathers approval, guidance, and presence whenever he makes contact. This audio was taken a year before the birthday I didn’t get a birthday wish. I was acutely aware of what was going on way before I left his father and knew to capture moments like these because I may not get them again. Hope for the best plan for the worst is what made this creation possible. Not all children want both parents to be happy. Some children only want what one parent wants.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG SON TO MOM BEFORE PARENTAL ALIENATION OCCURS

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Missing you comes in waves. Many nights I found myself wildly treading the current. Successfully, it tired me to sleep just for me to wake up drowning. I've got my sea legs now. Your void still comes in waves but now I know how to be STILL. Let the current take me where it WILL. Submit. Actually enjoy the heaviness of the very thing that allows me to float. No need to flail my arms, no one's coming. No need to run in place in water, the vibration attracts the sharks. Tread with efficiency. Open your fingers and catch the wave by letting it flow through you. Move your arms like wings in water. Relax the back, face the sun and become part of nature. You are meant to float.

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I'm more lost with you than without. More alone with you than without. My love for being alone in the company of others doesn't apply to you. I'm just alone. Not committed, not worth mentioning. Here to be used. Utilized until no longer needed,or until a different idea comes along. Won't be here for long Gone before you know it. Suspicious of what you hide. Maybe that's why you think I scrutinize. Come full circle and go back where you came from.