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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship - One Love Foundation

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship - One Love Foundation

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Healthy relationships bring out the best in you and make you feel good about yourself. A healthy relationship does not mean a "perfect" relationship, and no one is healthy 100% of the time, but the signs below are behaviors you should strive for in all of your relationships.

Healthy relationships manifest themselves as healthy communication; another important part of a healthy relationship is loving yourself. Here are some characteristics and behaviors of a healthy relationship.

See all 10 signs

See 10 signs of an unhealthy relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship - One Love Foundation

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Everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship. Here are 10 signs of a healthy relationship, to help you improve your own relationships and learn to Love Better.

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CFMWS: Intimate Relationships Continuum and Chart

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CFMWS: Intimate Relationships Continuum and Chart

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CFMWS - Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services

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All relationships exist on a continuum, ranging from healthy to unhealthy, with abusive at the extreme end. Relationships are not stationary. Rather they evolve and change depending on different situations or stressors.

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Is your relationship healthy? - love is respect

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This Web site is funded through Grant 2017-VF-GX-K023 from the Office for Victims of Crime, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. Neither the U.S. Department of Justice nor any of its components operate, control, are responsible for, or necessarily endorse, this Web site (including, without limitation, its content, technical infrastructure, and policies, and any services or tools provided.

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CFMWS - Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services

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Wouldn’t it be nice if each relationship came with its own user manual to help us navigate through the rough spots? Keeping a relationship healthy is not always easy. Add the challenges that come with one or both partners being in the military. That can be an even bigger challenge!

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4 things that make a relationship healthy or unhealthy

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4 things that make a relationship healthy or unhealthy

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4 things that make a relationship healthy or unhealthy

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Healthy relationships are shaped by four important values: Respect, Equality, Safety and Trust. Learn more about these values.

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What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

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What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

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What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

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One of the most common quandaries I see is whether a relationship is healthy or not. Sometimes, the signs can be subtle. Here’s how to start figuring it out.

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Canada.ca: Promoting safe intimate partner relationships

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Canada.ca: Promoting safe intimate partner relationships

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The Fourth R: Strategies for Healthy Youth Relationships
The Fourth R is a school-based evidence-based program that that promotes healthy relationships and targets dating violence, bullying, peer violence, and group violence.

Healthy relationships? Healthy teens
Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
This website provides information about healthy youth relationships as well as further links to tips for parents on building and promoting healthy relationships with teenagers.

Healthy Relationships Training Module (HRTM)
Promoting Relationships & Eliminating Violence Network (PREVNet)
The Healthy Relationships Training Module (HRTM) provides adults the training they need to help young people develop healthy social skills.

Learning to end abuse: Tools for Change
Tools for Change Educator's Website is a comprehensive listing of resources that promote healthy, equal relationships, reviewed and critiqued using a strengths-based model.

QMUNITY Gab Youth
QMUNITY Gab Youth is a safe place for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans*, two-spirit, intersex, queer, questioning (queer) youth 25 years of age and under and their allies. This website link has information and resources on healthy relationships for youth.

A Guide for Healthy Dating Relationships
University of Victoria
The brochure focuses on practical advice for teens, counsellors, teachers, parents and practitioners on how to identify healthy dating behaviours and ways to develop these skills.

Healthy Relationship Tips
Red Cross
This website provides information and tips about what healthy relationships look like, keeping your relationship positive, and what your rights are in a relationship.

YouCan: Peacebuilding for Youth
YOUCAN is a non-profit charitable organization dedicated to building a culture of peace among youth and is the leading organization run for-youth-by-youth.

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Promoting safe intimate partner relationships - Canada.ca

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Canada.ca - Safe Date and Healthy Relationships

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Canada.ca - Safe Date and Healthy Relationships

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Safe dates and healthy relationships - Canada.ca

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Learn how to have healthy relationships and safe dates by setting boundaries and sharing mutual respect with your partner.

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Creating a Healthy Relationship With Your Parents

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Creating a Healthy Relationship With Your Parents

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Creating a Healthy Relationship With Your Parents

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Start improving your relationship with your parents with this expert advice from a therapist. First, consider how you manage challenges with other adults you respect

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Dr. Jane Bluestein | Tips on behavior, relationships, and mental health

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Learning to tell the difference

Think about someone in your life who leaves an open space for you to be yourself. No one is more valuable. I would rather have a pillar of trust in my life than a pillar of strength.
-Deepak Chopra

Do you have friends who leave you feeling happy and uplifted? Or do you feel drained, agitated, angry, or resentful when you've spent time with certain people? Use the following list to compare and evaluates the friendships you have in your life:

Healthy friendships are not one-sided. Both people benefit from knowing each other. In unhealthy friendships, one person always seems to give a lot more than the other.

Healthy friendships are based on mutual respect. In unhealthy friendships, people ridicule one another, gossip or spread rumors, or act mean to one another.

Healthy friendships allow each other to grow and change. Unhealthy friendships are threatened when one person grows or changes.

Healthy friendships are not possessive. Unhealthy friendships are threatened by other people.

Healthy friendships nourish you and add to your life. Unhealthy friendships leave you feeling empty and drained.

Healthy friendships accept you for who you are. Unhealthy friendships require you to act the way someone else wants you to be in order to be accepted.

Healthy friendships allow you to have your feelings. Unhealthy friendships only accept certain feelings.

Healthy friendships respect differences. Unhealthy friendships demand conformity.

Healthy friendships are safe and secure. In unhealthy friendships, trusts are broken, secrets are shared, and confidentialities are betrayed.

In healthy friendships, both people are committed to the friendship. In unhealthy friendships, only one is.

Healthy friendships are not about power or status. Unhealthy friendships look to take advantage of another person's social standing in order to improve their own.

Think of your friends and the people you know. Then go through the list above. Count the number of times you would put "Healthy" next to their names.

Take a look at your role as a friend. In what ways are you a healthy friend? In what ways are you an unhealthy friend?

Excerpt adapted from High School's Not Forever by Jane Bluestein, Ph.D. and Eric Katz, M.S.A.C. (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 2007). The quote by Deepak Chopra is from Fire in the Heart: A Spiritual Guide for Teens (New York: Simon and Schuster Books for Young Readers, 2004), 187. This chart was also adapted for use in The Perfection Deception: Why Striving to Be Perfect Is Sabotaging Your Relationships, Making You Sick, and Holding Your Happiness Hostage

© 2007, 2013, Dr. Jane Bluestein

Photo by Jane Bluestein, Father Sky Graphics.

Another thought on the matter: I just saw this on Facebook today (thank you, Barbara Simkins, Green Rocks Inn), and thought it might make a nice addition to this page. Although it's called "The Marriage Box," I believe it applies to friendships and all relationships. I have found several longer versions online, each marked "author unknown." If anyone knows who composed this piece, please contact me so I can give appropriate credit.

The Marriage Box

Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. The truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in the people. And people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage. You have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, keeping the box full. If you take more out than you put in, the box will be empty.

Related:

"Making Someone Wrong"
Dealing with Difficult Colleagues
Stress-Producing Obstacles in Relationships

Please support this site: This website is an ongoing labor of love, with a fair number of expenses involved. Your support will help offset the cost of continual training, technical assistance, and translators, allowing me to continue to maintain the site, add helpful and inspiring new content and links, and keep the site ad-free. Donate here ...

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Healthy vs. Unhealthy Friendships | Dr. Jane Bluestein

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Learning to tell the difference Think about someone in your life who leaves an open space for you to be yourself. No one is more valuable. I would rather have a pillar of trust in my life than a pillar of strength. -Deepak Chopra Do you have friends who leave you feeling happy and uplifted?

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Alberta Health Services: Healthy Relationships

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Alberta Health Services: Healthy Relationships

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Healthy Relationships | Ready or Not Alberta | Ready

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People have different kinds of relationships throughout their lives. Healthy relationships provide support & comfort, and can improve overall health.

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February 27-March 3 is Healthy Relationships Week at NAIT. Join the NAIT community as we raise awareness on healthy relationships.

Upcoming events:

Ask a counsellor

Monday, February 27 - Wednesday, March 1 | Instagram #NAITWellBeing

Have any questions about healthy relationships or anything under the sun? Now's your chance to ask our NAIT Counsellors!

Follow #NAITWellbeing on Instagram and ask our counsellors a question.

Build your own self-love kit

Wednesday, March 1 | 12 - 2 p.m. | CAT Crossing

Would you like to have a collection of items that bring you joy and relaxation?

Join the OWLs and build a personalized self-love kit specifically to you!

Let's talk about healthy relationships: with yourself and others

Thursday, March 2 | 12 - 1:30 p.m. | CAT Crossing

Join NAIT student counselling for a Relationship Health Check to learn more about fostering healthy relationships with yourself and others.

The daily healthy relationships post

Monday, February 27 - Friday, March 3| Instagram #NAITWellBeing

Let's learn more about healthy relationships by reading five daily Instagram Stories about different topics such as consent, boundaries, self-care, relationship at work and relationships with family & friends, and more.

NAIT support services and resources

At NAIT, we have services to support your mental health and resources to help you learn more about healthy relationships.

Well-being champion

This program was created to develop a way for students and staff to recognize each other for supporting their well-being or the well-being of other campus community members.

Click on the button below and follow the steps! Your Champion will be sent a card on your behalf and know that their actions are making a positive impact.
Recognize someone today!
NAIT Student Counselling Centre

Life has its challenges, but you don't have to face them alone. For NAIT students, we offer free, confidential help and work with you to create a personalized plan to improve your self-care, mental health and overall well-being.
Learn more and book an appointment
headversity App

NAIT students have access to headversity, a mental wellness app that can help build resilience with personalized tools, exercises, education and health tracking. Access headversity and enter the access code NAITS6 when prompted.

Creating a campus free from sexual violence

This learning program strives to increase awareness of sexual violence in order to help shift campus culture to one of respect and consent and to create a community free of sexual violence.  You will explore relevant terminology related to sexual violence, better understand the concept of sexual consent, identify strategies for how to intervene if you witness sexual violence, and learn how to support survivors of sexual violence.
View online course
Mental health: virtual bookshelf

Explore our curated list of books and videos available through the NAIT Library on various topics supporting Mental Health.

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February 27 - March 3 is Healthy Relationships Week at NAIT. Join the NAIT community as we raise awareness on healthy relationships.

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Factsheet: Healthy Relationship (Govt of Alberta)

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Factsheet: Healthy Relationship (Govt of Alberta)

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Factsheet_Healthy Relationship (Govt of Alberta)

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CFMWS: Intimate Relationships Continuum and Chart

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CFMWS: Intimate Relationships Continuum and Chart

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YW Calgary: Healthy Relationships Toolkit, Nov 2021

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YW Calgary: Healthy Relationships Toolkit, Nov 2021

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Young people can take Kids Help Phone’s quiz to find out how healthy their friendship is.

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What is a healthy relationship? | BTN High

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What is a healthy relationship? | BTN High

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What is a healthy relationship? | BTN High

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Healthy Relationships | Royal Canadian Mounted Police

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Healthy Relationships | Royal Canadian Mounted Police

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Healthy Relationships | Royal Canadian Mounted Police

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The Secret to Healthy Relationships You’re Missing!

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The Secret to Healthy Relationships You’re Missing!

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The Secret to Healthy Relationships You’re Missing!

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Tune into Featured Podcasts with the Gottmans: Conversations to Strengthen Your Relationships.

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Tune into Featured Podcasts with the Gottmans: Conversations to Strengthen Your Relationships.

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Welcome to Small Things Often,
a podcast from The Gottman Institute

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. Every Monday and Wednesday morning, we'll talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

Small Things Often is an invitation to think small. It could make a big difference.
Subscribe now:

Ways to Stop Taking Each Other for Granted
Are you and your partner taking each other for granted? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain 3 daily rituals to keep romance, affection, appreciation, and communication strong in your relationship.

Mindful Listening Tips During Conflict
Are you really listening to your partner during conflicts? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain how you can listen mindfully so that you can move through whatever conflicts you face in your relationship.

How to Become a Really Great Listener
How are your listening skills? It's more important than you may realize. In this episode of Small Things Often, learn tips to become an "active" listener - and watch how your relationship improves and strengthens.

Ways to Invest in Your Emotional Bank Account
What's the state of your Emotional Bank Account? Have no idea? On this episode of Small Things Often, find out why your Emotional Bank Account is so important to the health of your relationship - and discover tips to get it back on track.

Why Core Needs Aren't Negotiable
Are you and your partner fulfilling each other's core needs? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain why core needs aren't negotiable and a crucial part of making your relationship thrive.

A Guide to Complaining
Do you know how to effectively complain? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain a 3-part formula to help you complain without criticizing.

How to Turn Towards Instead of Away
Every day is filled with small moments when you could turn towards your partner or away from them. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how and why these small moments can make or break a relationship.

Ways to Make Your Love Last
Are you committed to making your love last? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain how you can maintain and strengthen your emotional bonds so you can stay in love with your partner.

How to Get Your Relationship Back on Track
Feel as if you and your partner are drifting apart? Almost feel like strangers? On this episode of Small Things Often, we share an exercise that can get your relationship back on track!

How to Support Your Partner's Life Dream
Does your partner have a life dream, but you don't know how to support helping them make it a reality? On this episode of Small Things Often, we offer some ideas of what you can do to help their dream come true.

Do You and Your Partner Dream Together?
Have you shared your dreams for the future with your partner lately -or ever? On this episode of Small Things Often, discover why sharing individual and shared dreams is so important - and how to start a conversation about it!

How to Build Trust In Your Relationship
Are you looking for ways to build trust in your relationship? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain how you can build bridges of trust by doing things for your partner and doing things together.

Here's What Trust and Commitment Look Like in a Relationship
How can you show that you're a committed partner worth trusting? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain what trust and commitment look like in a relationship.

What to Do if You Don't Trust Each Other
Is your relationship lacking trust? Was it broken or never there to begin with? On this episode of Small Things Often, learn the steps to take and the questions to ask so you can begin to trust your partner.

Learn to Create Shared Meaning in Your Relationship
Feel something is missing in your relationship? It may be "shared meaning." In this episode of Small Things Often, discover why and how creating shared meaning can turn things around - and help your relationship grow deeper and stronger than ever before.

View Transcript

Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about what to do when you disagree.

When you and your loved one have different opinions, it could feel like a red flag in the relationship. It might feel necessary that for the relationship to be ok, you have to be on the same page. About everything. But that doesn't always create a healthy relationship - which requires the thoughts, feelings, and needs of both people to be expressed and to hold value.

Some of the happiest couples disagree about important issues - maybe even core values like religion... or dare we say politics. You don't have to agree on everything. Staying relationally connected is about being seen and heard, while also being accepted.

If you find yourself in a divisive disagreement, try using a "sandwich" approach for connecting around difficult topics. Sandwich your challenging message between two positive statements.

Here's what we mean. Start off the conversation with an "I see you" statement. That's a statement that respectfully validates your loved one - creating a bridge of connection. But in that same sentence, also speak your truth. Connect your "I see you" statement to your "truth" statement using the word "AND." Don't use the word "BUT" - which can discount their point of view. Complete your sandwich message with a positive affirmation.

So this is how it would sound. Let's say you and your partner are fighting because they think you've been working too much. You're now working remote and trying to find a work-life balance. You think you're doing your best, but your partner says they need more of your time. You're going head to head and neither one of you wants to budge. You could start the conversation by saying, "I see why you think 'abc,' AND I actually think 'xyz.' Even though we disagree, there are valid points on both sides and I think we can accept each other, even if our views don't line up."

Repair can happen when you build bridges of validation that connect you and your partner, deepening your sense of belonging and security. It can help you let go of rigid stances, even if you have strong feelings and opinions. It's important to remember, throughout these challenging conversations, that neither of you is defined entirely by your opposing values. For example, if one partner is a "dog person" and the other prefers cats, these preferences don't override their other dimensions as a human being.

So here's today's small thing: Make an effort to hold respectful space for your loved ones whose views may differ from your own. If you enter the argument zone, use the "sandwich" approach to validate their views while still speaking your truth.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

So you just had a fight. Now what? In the latest program in the Gottman Relationship Coach, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will guide you through the science behind conflict and what you can do to course-correct. You'll learn how to stop conflict from spiraling by identifying the signs of Flooding, what repair attempts look like in your relationship, and what triggers you and your partner. Visit gottman.com/afterafight for more.

View Transcript

Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to process an argument.

When you or your loved one feels hurt, frustrated, or angry after an argument... wouldn't it be nice if you could just hit the restart button? Unfortunately, you can't erase the argument from your memory, but you can process it and talk about what happened without jumping back into the argument. One of the most important tools for building a healthy relationship is knowing how to process it in a way that helps you learn from it so you can move forward together.

That can begin by going through three steps that will increase understanding between you and your loved one. It'll help you focus on finding ways to understand why the conversation was so unproductive so you can make this type of interaction better in the future.

For the first step - both of you will take a turn talking about what you were feeling during the argument. Use an "I" statement and be specific about the emotion. Let's say you and your partner were fighting about money. You could say, "I felt criticized while we were talking about the money I spent." Take ownership of your feelings and be honest.

Step two is discussing and validating both subjective realities. In any given argument, there is no absolute "reality" as to what happened. There are always two "subjective realities" or perspectives. So take turns talking about how you each saw the situation while remembering that neither of your perspectives is "wrong." Focus on each of your feelings and needs. It's crucial that you validate your loved one's experience and communicate that you understand at least some of their perspective. You could say, "I understand that you felt not listened to. I see where you're coming from."

The third step is to accept responsibility. What role did you play in this argument? What could you have done differently? Start by saying what set you up. Maybe you didn't communicate this month about finances like you normally do. You and your partner set a tight budget, but you desperately needed a little pick-me-up. You've been working hard and you're mentally, physically, and totally exhausted. So you went for it and treated yourself to the latest and greatest phone. But now you're realizing that you didn't let your partner know and the argument suddenly had nothing to do with your shopping. It spiraled out of control. To accept responsibility, you say "I haven't asked for what I needed."

While it's important to recognize your part in the argument, also remember that no relationship is perfect. The goal shouldn't be to keep yourself from making mistakes or saying the wrong thing. It's all about your ability to go back and make attempts to repair the situation.

So here's today's small thing: The next time you and your loved one have an argument, try to find ways to course-correct early. Work through the three steps so you can salvage the point of the conversation and create a more productive and positive outcome.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

So you just had a fight. Now what? In the latest program in the Gottman Relationship Coach, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will guide you through the science behind conflict and what you can do to course-correct. You'll learn how to stop conflict from spiraling by identifying the signs of Flooding, what repair attempts look like in your relationship, and what triggers you and your partner. Visit gottman.com/afterafight for more.

View Transcript

Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about managing physiological flooding.

Ever been in the middle of an argument with your partner, and suddenly you feel as if you've been caught in the eye of a hurricane? This is what we mean...

Say you and your partner are having a disagreement about finances. Maybe they don't think your pricey massage every month is necessary - and no matter how many times you try to tell them that it helps with your back pain, they still think it's too expensive. It's a discussion you have every single month when the bill comes in, and now you're exasperated, and the disagreement has turned into an argument -and before too long, it's escalated to a fight. Adrenaline kicks in, voices are raised, harsh words are exchanged - and, suddenly, as you stand in a rage in the middle of your kitchen, you realize that your heart is beating out of your chest, your body is tense, you're sweating and shaking, and you can't hear a word of what your partner is saying.

What's happening to you? You're in the midst of physiological flooding. The magnitude of your emotions has taken over. The "thinking" part of your brain has shut down. Your nervous system is in overdrive - and you respond with the ancient "fight or flight" response - which will cause you to either furiously lash out even more - or shut down completely and leave the room in a rage. Either choice will result in making the situation even worse. So what to do? Stop. Hit the pause button - tell your partner you need to take a break and will come back to the conversation when you are calmer- and then turn inward to take care of yourself. How?

You may be surprised, but it starts with a simple action you do every day. Breathing. Because when you are flooded, your breathing becomes shallow, which increases blood pressure and heart rate. So stop and take a deep breath. Inhale slowly through your nose, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Do this for several minutes to help your nervous system calm down.

While you're focusing on your breath, use positive self-talk to communicate with your inner self - assuring yourself that this moment will pass and you will be okay. And then, listen to music, read a magazine, whatever will help calm you down. But don't dwell on the argument with your partner. Don't think of what you might say next, how you feel mistreated, or how angry you are. Let it all go, and stay in the moment. Realize that your perception of your argument is unreliable during flooding. Don't move into the blame game or catastrophize the episode.

After at least 20 minutes of self-soothing, you can then return to the conversation with your partner. Why this amount of time? Studies show that it takes 20 minutes, minimum, for your body to return to its normal state - when the flooding has finally dissipated - and then, hopefully, you can both discuss the issue calmly and quietly, with a productive outcome.

It's scary, we know. But once you are aware of what flooding can do to your mind and body, you'll be able to recognize it when it begins - and then take steps to quickly deal with it whenever it occurs.

Today's small thing: Have a conversation with your partner about flooding - tell them how it affects you, and what you need in order to feel safe during an argument. You may find out that they have had the same experience. If so, share what you have learned.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

So you just had a fight. Now what? In the latest program in the Gottman Relationship Coach, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will guide you through the science behind conflict and what you can do to course-correct. You'll learn how to stop conflict from spiraling by identifying the signs of Flooding, what repair attempts look like in your relationship, and what triggers you and your partner. Visit gottman.com/afterafight for more.

View Transcript

Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to practice self-soothing.

The ability to self-soothe is one of the most important skills you can learn. Practicing it not only can help you in romantic relationships, but it can help you in other areas of your life too.

Let's say you and your partner are in the middle of a heated discussion. They just accused you of ignoring them all day. But in fact, you've been slammed with work and you're minutes away from exploding. They don't seem to care that you're drowning at work and now you feel like you're drowning in this conversation. But instead of actually exploding or stonewalling, tell your partner that you're feeling flooded and need a break. That time-out is what you need so you can self-soothe.

Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming your body through a meditative technique. Once you've moved away from your partner to take your break, start by imagining a place that makes you feel calm and safe. A sacred space. It could be anywhere - like a warm sunny beach where your toes are in the sand or your childhood bedroom at your parent's house. As you imagine yourself in this sanctuary, lose yourself in the peace of mind that it brings you.

While you're there, focus on your breathing. It should be deep, regular, and even. Usually when you get flooded, you either hold your breath a lot or breathe shallowly. So intentionally inhale and exhale naturally.

Release any tension that you're feeling and relax parts of your body that feel tight or uncomfortable. And then feel the warmth and heaviness flow out of your limbs.

Think of this exercise as your starting point when you need to find peace. Soothing yourself will make your relationship stronger with your partner - or friends and family - because you'll be able to work on conflicts as a team rather than as adversaries... when you're calm, cool, and collected.

So here's today's small thing: Think of a neutral sign that you and your partner can use in a conversation to let each other know when one of you feels flooded. It can be a word, like "time-out", or a physical motion like raising both hands. You could even make it funny and have your code word be "banana." You may find that using it can help diffuse tension and then your self-soothing can begin.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

So you just had a fight. Now what? In the latest program in the Gottman Relationship Coach, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will guide you through the science behind conflict and what you can do to course-correct. You'll learn how to stop conflict from spiraling by identifying the signs of Flooding, what repair attempts look like in your relationship, and what triggers you and your partner. Visit gottman.com/afterafight for more.

Bonus Episode: Dr. Julie Gottman's Guided Relaxation Exercise
Feeling stressed? Overwhelmed? Or need a break from an argument with your partner? Self-soothe by listening to Dr. Julie Gottman's guided relaxation exercise to calm your mind so you can find inner peace and repair your relationships.

View Transcript

Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about recognizing your partner's signs of flooding.

Maybe you know what you typically do when you've reached your max in an argument. Do you raise your voice? Do you completely shut down? While it's important to know when you're physiologically flooded during conflict, it's equally important to know when your partner is too.

Their tell-tale sign might not be as obvious as yours. It could be a "blink and you'll miss it" characteristic. Let's say you and your partner are having an argument over their family. You don't feel like their mom respects you as their partner. It's a sensitive topic between the two of you and your partner tends to get defensive. But you bring it up because again, their mom made a condescending comment about how clean your house is. When you say that your feelings are hurt, your partner says, "You just don't like my mom." As you defend your position, your partner's heart speeds up and their adrenaline starts pumping. There's a slight twitch in their eye and they can't focus on what the argument was originally about.

While you might not be able to tell that their heart is racing and their adrenaline is pumping, you might recognize the slight twitch or the suddenly disorganized argument as a sign that your partner is feeling flooded. You can help bring a fight back from the brink by acknowledging that they might be overwhelmed and initiating a time-out. You can literally say, "Okay, time-out. Things are getting heated and I can see it. Can we go cool off?" Or maybe, "Hey, honey, it seems like you're getting upset. Let's take a breather."

If you don't know your partner's signs of flooding, ask them. Or really, ask them anyway. Even if you think you know, you could be missing other signs. Your partner can give you insight into the little things they do while feeling flooded that you can pick up on. Once you know the signs - for both you and your partner - you're more likely to change course and head for calmer seas when the conversation gets to be too much for either one of you.

So here's today's small thing: Think back to your last argument with your partner. Make a list of physical traits, gestures, or movements that your partner did that might signal flooding. Ask your partner to make one for you too. Compare notes and then fill in the gaps for each other!

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

So you just had a fight. Now what? In the latest program in the Gottman Relationship Coach, Drs. John and Julie Gottman will guide you through the science behind conflict and what you can do to course-correct. You'll learn how to stop conflict from spiraling by identifying the signs of Flooding, what repair attempts look like in your relationship, and what triggers you and your partner. Visit gottman.com/afterafight for more.

How You Can Pursue Your Partner at Every Stage
Never stop dating your partner! On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll show you how to pursue each other at every stage of your relationship and keep your connection strong.

Learn the 2 Biases That May Be Hurting Your Relationship
Are you biased when it comes to your partner? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain how 2 biases could be hurting your relationship and talk you through effective antidotes.

Are You Surrounded by Healthy Couples?
You are the company you keep, right? So surround yourself with couples that are in healthy relationships! We'll explain how healthy couples could influence your relationship on this episode of Small Things Often.

Simple Tips to Reconnect and Nurture Your Relationship
Keeping your relationship on track, especially during stressful times, can be difficult. On today's episode of "Small Things Often," check out our simple but impactful tips to let your partner know that they're valued, loved and respected.

Why It's Important to Be "In Like" With Your Partner
You might be "in love" with your partner, but are you "in like" with them, too? On this episode of "Small Things Often" find out why this is so important - and discover ways to let your partner know that you "like" them.

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Today's tip is about being "in like" with your partner.

"In like"!? Sound a bit strange? Here's what we mean...

Let's say you met your partner years ago, and immediately felt a connection to them. Maybe it was the way they were so kind to the waitress in the restaurant after she screwed up your order, or perhaps it was how they listened so closely to a story about your childhood, or maybe it was their wry sense of humor and their huge, warm laugh. Or maybe it's something you can't even put your finger on. But whatever drew you to them, you said to yourself, "I really, really like this person." And from there, your attraction grew - and somewhere along the line, came the first "I love you."

And now, years later, even with your ups and downs, and stresses, and arguments, you make it a point to say "I love you" frequently. That's great. But when was the last time you told your partner that you "liked" them? Can't remember? If so, it's time to grab the very underrated "like" word out of your past - and bring it roaring back into the present. Because "loving" your partner is important, yes. But "liking" them...well, that's at the very heart of your relationship - and should never be taken for granted. Falling "in like" is what drew you together. And that's what will keep you together. Mutual respect. Sharing. Trust. Friendship.

Case in point: Ever see a couple that's been together for many years, and they still love talking to each other, laughing with each other, and even enjoying the silences between them? That's because they "like" each other. And they know it.

Need some suggestions on how to get there? Here's a few:

First: Build Love Maps! Be aware and learn about your partner and their world. Pay attention! What do they like or dislike? Do they love old horror movies, and hate peanut butter? Know that. Listen to their stories about their high school years, no matter how many times they've told you about shooting the winning basket. Ask questions! Find out what they dream, what they fear. Dig deep. It can feel a little overwhelming to know where to start so we have some example questions to help you get started on Gottman.com, just search "love maps".

Next: Share your fondness and admiration: Are you proud of your partner? Tell them! Do they look particularly fabulous one morning? Let them know! Say it out loud. And often. Whenever there is an opportunity, tell them in no uncertain terms how much you admire, respect, and appreciate them.

And finally: Turn toward your partner instead of away f rom them: Ask their opinion. Look into their eyes when they speak to you. Hold their hand at expected - and unexpected- moments. And don't forget to laugh at their jokes.

Falling "in like" is powerful stuff. Let your partner know that they are your most favorite person to be around - and watch what happens.

Today's small thing: The next time you say, "I love you" to your partner, follow it up with "and I like you." Those three small words can mean so much - and transform your relationship.

Love Out Loud
Don't assume that your partner knows all the ways that you love them. Sometimes, they need to hear it! On the season premiere of Small Things Often, we'll explain how loving out loud can build a healthy relationship.

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Today's tip is about loving out loud.

As in, vocalizing your love for your partner to your partner. Verbalizing it strengthens your relationship... plus, it can also end up organically creating more moments of affection and respect...which are key in building a healthy, secure relationship.

It makes sense, right? Think of how good it feels to hear words of affirmation. Or just to hear someone say something nice about you. Something as simple as, "You are so good at that" can mean even more when it comes from your partner. That's why it's important to share fondness and admiration...in all your relationships - it's a skill and an antidote for when contempt creeps in.

But don't just stop at saying "I'm fond of you." Tell your partner why. You could say something like, "I'm proud of the way you handled yourself when the basement flooded the other day." Or, "I like how you make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!" Tap into what made you fall in love with them in the first place and celebrate it!

Maybe you think that your partner already knows all the ways that you love them... and maybe they do... but we promise it'll mean more when you say it out loud. Say these things regularly - and try to make it a part of how you communicate every day! Your partner will likely pick up on this pattern and fall into the flow of loving out loud. Then both of you will continue to do the acts you received praise and admiration for... which can be a rewarding cycle to be in.

So here's today's small thing: Look for ways that you can express fondness and admiration to your partner. Do you admire their sense of humor? Do you love the way they're always willing to help someone? Don't just think it - say it and love them out loud!

How To Use Small Things Often Together
Do you share what you've learned from Small Things Often with your partner? If so, how do you approach them about sensitive topics? In this episode, learn the best way to speak to your partner about the insights and information you've learned without being accusatory or critical.

How Do You View Your Relationship?
How you view your relationship can say everything about whether your relationship will succeed. So what do you say when you share the story of your relationship? We'll help get your relationship on a positive path on this episode of Small Things Often.

How to Express Feelings Instead of Judgements
When you express your feelings to your partner, how does it come across? With judgment and contempt - or compassion and understanding? In this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to express yourself fully - without hurting your partner - or your future happiness together.

Why Resting is Good for Your Relationship
You probably know that resting is good for you, but did you know that it's also good for your relationship? We'll explain on this episode of Small Things Often how taking time to relax could give your relationship a boost.

How to Embrace Ambiguity
How do you cope with uncertainty? On today's Small Things Often, we share tips on how to deal with ambiguity - and those scary, fearful, stressful feelings and thoughts of the future.

Are You a Good Teammate?
What team are YOU on? We hope it's the same one as your partner! On this episode of Small Things Often, learn what exactly it means to be on the same team - and how it can draw you even closer to your partner as you go through life together.

How to Listen Out Loud
Truly listening to someone doesn't require dead silence. On this episode of Small Things Often, we're sharing the do's and don'ts of listening out loud.

How to Make Time for Date Night
Are you making time for date night? On this episode of Small Things Often, we're sharing how you can intentionally make time for your partner and spend quality time together - no matter the circumstances!

What is Trust?
What does it mean to trust your partner? And what happens when that trust gets broken? On this episode of Small Things Often, we're sharing how you can build and improve trust in your relationship.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about trust.

It's no secret that trust is important in a relationship - it's part of what forms stable relationships. But what does it mean to truly trust your partner? And what happens when that trust is broken?

To quote trust and technology expert Rachel Botsman, Trust is having a confident relationship to the unknown. It's the bridge between the known and the unknown, over a river of uncertainty. And when it comes to your relationship... the known is how your partner shows up for you - their presence, the way they interact with you, the things they do and say. The unknown is the meaning or intention behind that - what they're thinking, how they perceive things, their core feelings.

Trust is believing or being confident that your partner has your best interests at heart. It's acting in good faith, giving them the benefit of the doubt, or holding the belief that they are doing their best.

Trust, like a bridge, is built. When you first enter into a relationship, you might think, "Of course I trust my partner!" But what's the basis of that trust? Do you trust your partner because they haven't let you down? Because trust hasn't been tested yet? Or are you just a trusting person? Trust building happens as you move through life together. That doesn't mean that initial trust isn't real - there's just room for that trust to grow even stronger. Trust is built as you express compassion and empathy for one another's feelings. This foundation is essential when you face betrayal.

Don't let this freak you out, but yes, betrayal happens in some form in every relationship. Like conflict, it's inevitable. Betrayal isn't always a full dramatic scene from a soap opera. It could be small, like your partner telling your mom something that you asked them specifically not to share. Or it could be something much bigger - like infidelity. While it can be difficult to work through, some of the strongest and most trusting relationships are based on repair after a betrayal.

Talk to your partner about how you will navigate breaches of trust that may enter the relationship. How will you respond to things like misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and poor choices in ways that increase your trust metric?

Here's today's small thing: Build habits of turning towards your loved one. A little bit goes a long way when it comes to building trust! Do something kind for them or do something together! You can improve your belief in your partner, and your partner's belief in you, over time through small, intentional acts... like listening to this podcast together!

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Improve your relationship in 30 days with our 30 Days to a Better Relationship email challenge. Increase fondness and admiration for your partner gradually, with one email a day over a month. Learn more at gottman.com/30days

Sharing to Heal
Are you keeping a damaging thought deep inside? Is it causing you stress and emotional pain? On this episode of Small Things Often, learn why it's so important to open up and share your difficult thoughts with your partner in order to heal.

How to Get Friendly
Being friends with your partner is one of the greatest secrets to making love last. How are you doing on that front? On today's episode of Small Things Often, learn some simple ways to strengthen your friendship - and make your relationship truly great!

Are You a Differentiated Partner?
Differentiating yourself is an important part of a healthy relationship. Learn how defining yourself to your partner can positively change how you respond to them on this episode of Small Things Often.

How to React to a Partner in Pain
When you see your partner in pain, don't stay neutral! On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll share how taking a side (your partner's) can positively impact your relationship.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about how to react to a partner in pain.

You know how growing up you were told, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? Well when it comes to your partner, staying neutral can be invalidating. It can also break trust. We talked about how neutrality is invalidation in a previous episode and today, we're taking a closer look at the real benefit to acknowledging where you stand!

Let's say your partner comes to you one day and says they just had this huge blowout argument with their mom. They're so upset that when they start talking about it, their voice cracks and shakes, and tears start rolling down their face. The worst thing you can say in this situation is nothing. Neutrality, in response to a loved one expressing pain, is a form of turning away and can be even more devastating to the relationship than turning against your partner.

Turning against is at the very least being clear and offering an opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Turning away is silence.

Neutrality in the face of conflict sends the message that your comfort or your need to be right or "polite" is more important than an acknowledgement of the feelings being expressed. And that can be a betrayal.

So here's what you can do instead of staying neutral. Try saying something like, "I am on your side." Or, "I understand why you feel that way!" Show your support! Let them know that you're there for them, fully present, and are supporting their expression of how they are feeling.

Here's today's small thing: The next time a loved one expresses pain to you, make an effort to turn towards them. Take a stance that isn't neutral so that you can truly engage in the conversation.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Improve your relationship in 30 days with our 30 Days to a Better Relationship email challenge. Increase fondness and admiration for your partner gradually, with one email a day over a month. Learn more at gottman.com/30days

What Are the Seasons of Love?
There are many seasons of love that come and go in relationships. On this episode of Small Things Often, how you can have an open conversation with your partner about the different phases and what you can learn from them!

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about seasons of love.

Before you start singing that song from Rent, sorry if we made you start, it's important to recognize that relationships have seasons. When hard times are hard, remember that it'll pass. And when it's good, hold onto it! Cherish it! Because that'll pass too. But ultimately, there's something to appreciate about each season. Lean into that appreciation. Hard days will return, but so will the good ones!

Think back to when you first entered your relationship with your partner. There was likely tons of passion, romance, a certain excitement where you couldn't wait to see or talk to each other. You couldn't get enough! And those butterflies were big enough to actually make you nauseous. This is called "limerence," or, the honeymoon phase. And it's called a phase for a reason. While some of those early feelings stick around in some relationships, the new-ness will wear off. It's a season of love! So what happens when you and your partner go from hot and heavy to... early bird specials and ratty pajamas? It's not necessarily a bad thing.

Shifts in the relationship's dynamic can be unsettling at first, especially when they feel like they happen unexpectedly. But you're growing and becoming comfortable with each other, and your relationship is getting stronger with each passing season!

Everyone has a season they like best, or are most comfortable in, and it's a good idea to talk about it! Be open with your partner! Ask them, "What season do you think our relationship is in right now?" "How does that make you feel?" Talk about what you can learn from the season that you're currently in.

Here's today's small thing: Embrace the seasonal shifts in your relationship! Discuss the ways that you can support and connect with each other in the droughts of "winter" - when you feel like your relationship is just "meeh"... just okay - and when your relationship heats back up in the "summer."

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Here's One Simple Question to Learn More About Your Partner
How much do you REALLY know about your partner? On this episode of Small Things Often, discover how one simple question can open up new levels of understanding, trust and friendship.

Bottling or Brooding: How do you process your difficult emotions?
How do you deal with difficult emotions like anger or fear or frustration towards your partner? On this episode of Small Things Often, find out if you're a "bottler" or a "brooder" and, if you are, discover ways to combat it.

Why You Should Schedule Your Next Conflict
Are you finding yourself having issues with your partner, but don't know how to approach the subject, or express your feelings? On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how and why scheduling a regular check in for conflicts can keep your relationship healthy and on track!

How to Respond Non-Defensively
It takes practice to respond non-defensively. On this episode of Small Things Often, we're sharing the questions you need to ask yourself before jumping to your own defense.

Identifying the 3 Forms of Defensiveness
Do you know when you're being defensive? On this episode of Small Things Often, we're identifying the 3 forms of defensiveness so you can recognize them in conversations with your loved ones.

How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship
Do you avoid dealing with any conflict with your partner because you think it will hurt your relationship? Think again! On this episode of Small Things Often, find out ways to deal with conflict and friction that can actually transform your relationship - and help make you and your partner even closer!

How to Recognize Gridlock and Ways to Overcome It
Are you and your partner totally stuck in perpetual conflict over a specific issue? Have you reached the point where neither of you are willing to open your mind to the other's thoughts and opinions? Then you might be in gridlock. In this episode, learn how to recognize it - and ways to overcome it!

How to Become Aware of Your Emotions
Are you aware of your emotions? On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll help you identify your feelings so you can help your loved ones when they experience difficult emotions.

Why You Don't Always Have to Agree
You don't always have to agree with your loved one! On this episode of Small Things Often, how you can change the goal from agreement to understanding during disagreements.

Embracing Relationship Changes
In relationships, the only constant is change. On this episode of Small Things Often, how you can embrace the changes to evolve individually and together with your partner.

What Are Love Maps?
You probably think you know your partner, but do you have an active and up-to-date understanding of their interior world? We're digging deep on this episode of Small Things Often so you can learn the importance of building Love Maps with your partner.

Are You Taking Responsibility in Your Relationship?
It's easy to get defensive instead of taking responsibility in times of conflict, but what is that doing to your relationship? On this episode of Small Things Often, we're sharing the importance of taking ownership of our actions and how they affect our loved ones.

Why Being Neutral Can Be Invalidating to Your Partner
Do you walk the road of "neutrality" when your partner comes to you with an emotional issue? If so, your relationship may be suffering because of it. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn why validation is so important - and how it can make or break a relationship.

Building Relationships Brick by Brick
Relationships aren't magically unveiled in a single romantic moment. On this episode of Small Things Often, how you can build a relationship brick by brick and create a deeper emotional connection with your partner.

There's No Such Thing as All Good or All Bad
No one is all good or all bad. If you've fallen into that kind of thinking, tune into this episode of Small Things Often, and learn how to rethink your reactions - and improve your relationship.

Having Difficult Conversations with Loved Ones
It's no secret that difficult conversations with loved ones aren't easy. So how can you make sure it goes as well as possible? We'll share the questions that you need to ask yourself before the conversation begins, on this episode of Small Things Often.

Acknowledge Subjective Realities
The existence of two different viewpoints doesn't necessarily mean one person is wrong and one person is right. On this episode of Small Things Often, we explore how you can acknowledge subjective realities by sharing your feelings in a way that doesn't make your partner feel defensive.

How to Be a Better Listener
How are your listening skills? If your partner is in pain, the most loving thing you can do is to listen with empathy and understanding. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to improve your ability to listen with compassion.

How to Take Care of Each Other By Taking Care of Ourselves
How's your relationship going? Not the one with your partner...the one with yourself. On this episode of Small Things Often, find out why creating time and space for yourself can keep the relationship with your partner strong and healthy.

Connecting in Crisis
While in crisis mode, it can be easy to turn away from your loved ones. On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how you can stay connected and support each other in times of uncertainty.

Practicing Positive Needs
How are you expressing those difficult emotions that creep up from time to time? On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to transform criticisms into "positive needs" that will help you avoid conflict and arguments - and, ultimately, bring you even closer to your partner.

Good Enough Relationship
What is a "good enough" relationship? It's likely not what you think. In this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain how a good enough relationship can help you set healthy expectations.

Finding Joy
How much fun have you had with your partner today? Yesterday? Last month? If playful moments are lacking in your relationship, listen to this episode of Small Things Often, and hear why moments of joy are so important - and learn how to consciously create some in your life!

Redefining Individuality and Togetherness
Are you and your partner spending so much time together that you're beginning to think you're losing your individuality and sense of self? On this episode of Small Things Often learn how to balance your relationship between togetherness and separateness.

Stress-Reducing Conversations
Are you really listening to your partner? On this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to engage in a stress-reducing conversation that can positively impact your relationship by strengthening your mutual love and trust.

Small Repairs That Have Big Impact
Every couple argues. But the ones who survive and thrive have learned how to repair quickly and often. What does that mean? Tune into this episode of Small Things Often and find out why it's so important to repair conflicts as they occur.

You Don't Need to Cheer Up Your Partner
When your partner feels down, is your first instinct to cheer them up? If so, take a step back, because there's a better choice. On this episode of Small Things Often, we offer advice on the best ways to respond to your partner when they're dealing with negative emotions.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about NOT cheering your partner up.

Yes, you heard us correctly. We know that if your partner is upset for any reason, your first impulse is to fix, to care for, to make it better - To get rid of any negative emotions they may be feeling. BUT before you do...STOP. Because sometimes that's not what they need at all. Really? Yes. Here's an example.

Say your partner just told you that the promotion that they were positive they were going to receive went to someone else. They're filled with emotions: from anger to hurt to disappointment to sadness. They begin telling you everything about it, and immediately you chime in to say "Don't be sad, they're a bunch of idiots!" It's a natural response, we know, to try to neutralize or fix your partner's feelings when you see them in such emotional pain. But it's probably not what they need from you at this moment. What they do need is empathy. And that's tricky. Because empathy isn't about lifting your partner's spirits or "fixing" their problem, it's about validating their emotions.

So how do you do this? First: LISTEN to them. REALLY listen. Offer words of understanding and support instead of offering advice. Don't try to cheer them up or problem-solve. It's not your responsibility to alleviate their pain, even though sometimes it may feel like it. Instead, allow them to feel what they need to feel and validate those emotions. For instance, if they say they are incredibly angry, you might reply, "I understand. I would be so angry, too!" Or if your partner expresses hurt over losing the promotion, you might say, "I can totally see why you're feeling that way." Then, ask questions, like, "Is there more to this?" If there's more emotion buried underneath the surface, this question may open up more feelings and thoughts they need to express. And remember, there isn't a law against eventually giving advice or helping to problem-solve, but wait until you've allowed your partner to fully express themselves and process their feelings before you do. And only offer advice if it's solicited! It's even okay to ask your partner "are you looking for advice on this?"

Today's small thing: The next time your partner is feeling a strong emotion such as sadness, anger or fear, don't try to cheer them up. Instead, listen to them, care for them, validate their feelings, and love them.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Hurt Feelings
Do your feelings get hurt easily in your relationship - even in small, trivial matters? On this episode of Small Things Often, find out why this happens - and how to manage and repair these hurtful moments with your partner.

Attunement Through Awareness
One of our deepest needs is for our partner to "know" us - to be truly attuned to us. On this episode of Small Things Often, discover how awareness will help you open up during a conflict -let your partner know what is going on inside - and become more emotionally connected.

What Is a Bid for Connection?
Knowing when your loved one is trying to connect with you isn't always intuitive. On this episode of Small Things Often, we'll explain why you need to know your bids for connection and take you through the different types of bids so you can create healthy interactions in your relationship.

Emotion Coaching
You're smart - of course - but are you emotionally intelligent? In this episode of Small Things Often, how you can use emotion coaching in your relationship to connect with your partner by becoming more emotionally intelligent.

Under Stress, We All Regress
Do you communicate differently when you're stressed? You're not alone! In this episode of Small Things Often, we'll show you why under stress, we all regress, and what you can do to keep your relationship strong.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about understanding difficult emotions.

We've all experienced hardships. Things that make us angry, confused, fearful, lonely, or sad. Most of us can't just snap our fingers and snap out of it - even though at times we may want to run away from these feelings and "fix it" instead of understanding it. Sometimes these emotions feel so big and overwhelming and blunt. I'm sad. Period. I am sad. But there's so many layers to your feelings!

You can deal with these feelings by practicing mindfulness. What's the benefit? It enables you to calm down and soothe yourself. When you're calm, you have space to reflect and thoughtfully respond, rather than react.

In Season 1 of Small Things Often, we talked you through the 6 steps that can help you understand and deal with your difficult emotions in a mindful way. So today, we're taking it a step further because the more you lean into these emotions, the more you understand what is fueling them and how to address them.

That brings us to the Feeling Wheel. It's a tool developed by Gloria Wilcox that can help investigate feelings related to what you're feeling - and maybe you'll connect with a different emotion that could be the root cause.

The Feeling Wheel has different rings. So say you're feeling sad. Some of the emotions on the outer rings of "sad" are guilty, ashamed, depressed, lonely, and bored. Are any of those resonating with you when you're feeling sad?

This tool is also a great visual so you can see the opposite of what you're feeling - to see how you could turn it around! Across from "sad" on the Feeling Wheel, is "joyful" - and maybe for you, that means being playful, energetic, or excited! How can you transform your feelings of sadness to become joyful?

The Feeling Wheel can help increase your emotional intelligence and awareness. You can actually download and print out your own Feeling Wheel! Just go to gottman.com/blog/printable-feeling-wheel.

So here's today's small thing: When you find yourself feeling a difficult emotion, turn to the Feeling Wheel! Practice identifying and acknowledging the emotion to mindfully work through it in a healthy way.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Mindfulness and Awareness
How can mindfulness transform your relationship? On this episode of Small Things Often" learn why staying in the present moment - being aware of your thoughts and emotions, without going on auto-pilot - can increase your sense of happiness, love, and trust.

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Today's tip is about strengthening relationships through mindfulness.

"Wait a minute" you're probably thinking "Isn't the practice of mindfulness mainly for MY benefit? How does it impact my relationship?" The answer? Enormously. And here's why: Mindfulness is about compassion, and non-judgmental awareness - all qualities that are essential in an intimate, loving partnership. Not only will mindfulness improve your relationship in times of happiness, but also when times are tough. Because by being aware of what you're feeling in highly emotional times, you can break habitual negative thoughts and behaviors you might have hanging around. Here's an example...

Say you're in the middle of an argument with your partner. Emotions are running high. Words are exchanged, the tension escalates, and suddenly you find yourself on auto-pilot, blurting out things that are so hurtful, or maybe things that you don't even mean. This is where mindfulness comes in. Instead of reacting and arguing and blurting....STOP! Take a few deep breaths - and bring yourself back to the present moment. Ahhhh. Then turn towards your partner instead of away . What's the difference? Turning away involves anger, criticism or defensiveness - while turning towards can create increased levels of positivity and warmth between the two of you. Now that you've shifted your awareness, you can express yourself in a new and loving way. This doesn't mean you deny your feelings - you just express them in a softer way - and then open a thoughtful discussion of what is REALLY going on in the present moment.

Another way of practicing mindfulness during a tense situation is to create space between yourself and your strong emotion. This means removing the "I" word from your thoughts such as "I am furious" and simply realizing, instead, that you're experiencing "anger." If your partner is the one who is feeling anger, don't react negatively. Instead, encourage them to come back to the present moment with you, become aware of what they're feeling, and express what is there.

If both you and your partner practice mindfulness and present moment awareness, it can transform your relationship. Not only will it increase your sense of appreciation for each other, but it will lower stress levels as well. But here's the thing: it doesn't happen overnight. It takes time to break old habits. So be compassionate and supportive of each other as you navigate your way to a whole new way of thinking. You won't regret it.

Today's small thing: Aim to be mindful in all your interactions with your partner. If emotions run high, take yourself off auto-pilot, and back to the present moment.

Flooding and Overwhelm
Have you had an argument with your partner lately, where you totally lost it because you were overwhelmed with feelings of anger, fear, or hurt? If so, this episode of Small Things Often is for you! Discover why this happens - and how to calm yourself when these feelings arise.

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Today's tip is about flooding and feeling overwhelmed.

Has this ever happened to you? You're in the middle of a discussion with your partner. Things become a bit heated, but still calm. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, they say something that triggers you - and suddenly you're having an out-of-body experience. Your breath gets short, and you start to tremble. Or maybe your heart feels like it's pounding out of your chest, and tears start rolling down your cheeks. You try to focus, but oh, my God, how can you? Your mind is overwhelmed with rage or hurt or panic or fear -and now you're saying things to your partner that are hurtful and maybe even have nothing to do with the subject you were discussing! You're wildly lashing out - defending yourself and attacking them - and you don't know why - or how to stop it.

What's happening to you? Well, actually it's a response that's as old as existence itself. When human beings face conflict or danger, an alarm goes off in the body called the "fight-or-flight or freeze" response, and a physiological reaction takes place. Adrenaline levels begin to soar and flood the body until it's in a heightened state - enabling you to quickly react to life-threatening situations. In primitive times, this action could have occurred because a bear was chasing you. In today's world, it could be because your partner criticized your house-cleaning abilities. But whatever the reason, your body still responds to stressors as though that bear is chasing you!

By this time you may have stormed out of the room, shut down the conversation, and started giving your partner the silent treatment. Or maybe you're still standing in the middle of the kitchen, lashing out. Either way, this is not productive, and only prolongs the conflict. So how do you get back on track? Here are a few suggestions...

Make a commitment to yourself that the next time you feel flooded or overwhelmed, you'll try to self-soothe on the spot. Calm your body by focusing on your breath, relaxing tense muscles, or imagining a place that makes you feel calm and safe. Any one of these can help stop you from spiraling out of control.

Or maybe picture your partner in a moment of love, kindness, and generosity. This will help you remember the good part of your relationship - and you'll be less likely to blindly react to the situation.

You can also hit the "pause" button! Let the storm pass! Reassure yourself that you will be fine if you wait for the adrenaline levels and flooding to decrease.

Another suggestion? Use imagery - like a spinning wheel becoming slower and slower, till it finally comes to a stop. As your thoughts slow, your nervous system will, too.

And if you've been in this situation with your partner before, make a plan that if either of you become flooded during a conflict again, that you'll take a time out - at least 20 minutes. Then use the time to self-soothe. When you're both calm, continue the conversation. If "I'm sorry" is appropriate, say it! But don't wait too long to solve the conflict! 24 hours tops!

Today's small thing: Now that you know the cause of the physiological sensations of flooding and overwhelm, take the time to plan how you'll deal with these feelings the next time they arise. Awareness is the first step! You can do it!

Say What You Need
Cut the criticism and say what you need! This episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute shares tips about how to communicate positive needs in your relationship instead of playing the blame game.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about saying what you need.

Sounds simple, right? But communicating what you need to a loved one, doesn't always come out the way you intended it to. Let's say you just got into a heated argument with your partner. They accused you of working too much and not making them enough of a priority. And as they're talking, all you can think about is everything that they're doing wrong in this situation. Maybe their approach was horrible and the timing is awful, and their whole way about it made you just feel bad. But this is where you need to shift perspectives. Instead of saying what your partner is doing wrong, talk about what you need - to make things better.

That means avoiding criticism and blame. You can do that by talking about your feelings using "I" statements. Like, "I feel this emotion." And express a positive need, by saying "I need this from you."

By using that language, you're expressing what you need - and not what you don't need. It's saying "I need you to support me" instead of "I don't need you to tell me what to do." Hear the difference? The latter is much more negative.

Here's the silver lining! Within every negative feeling, there's a longing, a wish, or a need. So communicate what that is! It's your recipe for success so your loved ones can fulfill your needs in the relationship. We're willing to bet, you'll want to return the favor.

It's a small thing that you can do often to make a big difference. Small Things Often isn't just the name of this series. It's our mantra! Always make time to do Small Things Often to deepen and enhance your relationships. Not just with your partner, but with anyone you love! Tools like the ones we've given you in this series can help navigate a course of action that can encourage healthy, positive communication.

We're leaving you with today's small thing: What is one thing that you need right now in one of your relationships? Express it to them in a positive way!

Thanks for listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships. Please let us know what you think of this series in reviews on Spotify and iTunes. Tell us what resonated with you, what topics you'd like for us to cover, and what you want more of!

What Does Compatibility Really Mean?
Do you think in order to be compatible with your partner you have to share certain interests, values or goals? Think again. On this Episode of Small Things Often, we explore what it truly means to be compatible.

The Grass is Greener Where You Water it
We're getting the negativity out of your relationship! In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we're shifting perspectives to prove the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Change the Metric
How do you measure success in your relationship? If your goal is perfection, you're setting yourself up for heartache. In this episode of Small Things Often, find out how the happiest relationships measure their success.

Facts Over Myths
There are some "facts" about relationships, that maybe you've always believed, that just aren't true. On this episode of Small Things Often, we use decades of research to bust 5 of the most common relationship myths.

Intimacy through Self-Disclosure
Do you keep a lot about yourself to yourself? Self-disclosure to your partner - revealing your most authentic self about how you think and how you feel - can have an enormously positive impact on your relationship. On today's Small Things Often, we tell you why.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about self-disclosure.

It's really important to open up to your partner and reveal your most authentic self. But there are some things that are just really difficult to talk about, aren't there? Deep things. Private things. Things you may have kept held tightly inside your whole life - about what you think, how you feel or, maybe even, who you are. Maybe it involves something from your childhood that you have never told anyone but is now impacting your life as an adult and your relationship with your partner. Or perhaps, it's something you passionately like or dislike that you've never thought to share with them - but if you do, that might help your partner have a better understanding about your reactions to certain situations.

The point is that self-disclosure - really opening up about yourself to the person you love - creates intimacy. In fact, self-disclosure of emotions, rather than just facts or information, is a pretty important predictor of the best kind of intimacy in relationships. Because the more you know about how your partner feels emotionally, the more connected you may feel, and the more capable you are of being there for them - no matter what the circumstances.

So open up. Encourage your partner to do the same. Reveal your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your feelings. Show them the wonderful, unique, weird, complicated person you are, and watch trust flourish and your relationship deepen. Sure, you may be a little nervous, but you won't be sorry.

Today's small thing: Carve out some quiet time to talk to your partner and intentionally self-disclose. Ask questions that encourage you both to open up - and reveal feelings and thoughts you've never talked about.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Emotional Triggers
We all have things that trigger us emotionally, but what can you do about it? And how do emotional triggers affect your relationships? We'll share what to be mindful of, in this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute.

Self-Soothing
We're calling a time out! In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we're practicing self-soothing skills so you can take care of yourself and talk to your loved one with less tension.

Two Sides of Stonewalling
The walls are coming down in this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute. We're sharing the two sides of stonewalling and a solution for either side.

Difficult Emotions
How do you deal with emotions like anger, confusion, fear, or sadness? In this episode of Small Things Often, learn how to practice mindfulness to find calm and peace when difficult emotions arise.

Magic Ratio
We've got some relationship magic for you - it's called the 5 to 1 ratio. It's based on extensive research and it can transform the bond between you and your partner. Find out what it is and how it works in today's episode of Small Things Often.

Celebrate Your Partner
When was the last time you celebrated one of your partner's successes? On this episode of Small Things Often, find out why small moments of celebration contribute to the happiness of your relationship.

Complaints vs Criticism
Does your partner sometimes do things that annoy or upset you? Do you tell them? On this episode of Small Things Often, find out the difference between complaining and criticizing and how each could impact your relationship in a big way.

Intentional Choices to Connect with Your Family
Is the current coronavirus pandemic causing you to feel out-of-control, anxious, and a bit removed from family life? On this episode of Small Things Often, we show you ways to reconnect with your family in times of great stress - by being intentional in your choices and making the best out of the "new normal."

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about making intentional choices in times of stress.

Face it. We're living in a time of great anxiety and great uncertainty. The coronavirus pandemic has created changes in the way we live, the way we work - and in the way we connect with each other. But it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom. We can make the best out of this "new normal" - that feels nothing like normal - by making intentional choices to connect with our loved ones. Right now, we have to choose to stay indoors to do our part by hunkering down until the crisis is over -both for the protection of ourselves and others. So it's important to choose to do the things we are able to still do, and want to do, with intention - like spending quality time with our partners, roommates, kids - and those we love.

So where do you start? First, really think about the ways you and your loved ones will move through your days - rather than just trying to barrel through them unconsciously. Actually sit down and have a conversation about it. Maybe your partner hasn't usually been home in time to help with dinner, but now they are! Is it their turn to cook? Or maybe, if boiling water is a struggle, their time is best spent helping the kids with their new home-school studies.

But being intentional isn't just about tasks. Talk to your loved ones about what would bring you both joy today! Or maybe it's time to make a new tradition. Maybe make breakfast an event! Let the kids help and embrace the mess. Do they want to dance and sing while they whisk the eggs? Bring it on. Plan the coming day together! Take a family walk after dinner every evening. Or schedule a weekly family meeting where everyone can safely voice their thoughts or concerns. Be creative! Find ways to connect, understand, and appreciate each other.

Because, of all times, now is the time to lean on each other. You don't have to pretend like staying in your house, basically 24/7, with your family is normal. But that doesn't mean life has to stop. It just means, you may have to modify some things. Okay, so your kid can't go to the park right now. Bring the park to them! Bust out all of the pillows, blankets, whatever, for the ultimate fort! Use this time to really be in the moment and spend some quality time together that you might not normally get.

We know that focusing on the fun things might be hard right now while you're concerned about what's happening in the world, but that's why it's also important to take care of yourself and remember that your needs are important, too. I mean, really, how can you be there for your family if your anxiety is making you feel like a hot mess? So maybe take an hour a day to shut yourself into your bedroom, and take that online Zumba or meditation class that you've heard so much about. Or perhaps there's a special podcast that you've been dying to listen to. Hopefully it's this one! Whatever it is - carve out time that is just for you - and bask in the glow of doing something you love. Put it on your calendar. Make it a routine. That quiet, focused time will help you tune into yourself, relax, and gain perspective.

Here's today's small thing: Ask a loved one, "How are you coping? How are you doing?" Right now, a question that simple might go a long way. Maybe you'll discover a need that you can meet! Be intentional with your time and watch your family become stronger than ever.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Redefining Rituals
Are you around your loved ones a lot more than you're used to right now? As the world deals with a health emergency, Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute is here to make adjusting to all this a little easier! We'll guide you through the conversation that you can have to redefine your daily rituals.

Staying Connected Through Times of Great Stress
Feeling anxious and overwhelmed by the coronavirus crisis? Tune in to this episode of Small Things Often to learn ways to stay connected to your partner during these times of great stress and uncertainty.

Attunement
It's time to get in sync! On this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we're putting attunement into action to help create harmony in your relationships.

Destress with your Partner
Do you need to de-stress after a long day? In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we'll tell you the do's and don'ts of a stress-reducing conversation that you need to have daily with your loved one!

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about de-stressing.

Say your partner had a horrible day and now that they're home, all their stress about how they couldn't fix anything that went wrong today is making them want to talk about your relationship and any problem they noticed in the past 24 hours. But as luck would have it, you also had a horrible day and unlike your partner, diving deep into your relationship is the last thing you feel like doing. Before you run for the hills or your partner reads their very specific, bulleted list of everything they want to fix in your relationship - you both need to de-stress. And you can do it together! It's an important conversation to have with your loved one.

Why? Because you know when you're so stressed that you take your frustrations out on other people - who have nothing to do with the reason why you're stressed? Talking about your day can help!

We call it a stress-reducing conversation - a form of dialogue where you listen to each other's venting with empathy and - this is a big one - without judgment or advice. So when we say listening, we really mean it - so keep your advice or "maybe you could try this!" to yourself because when you actually feel heard, venting can be just what you need! Yeah - your boss can be a jerk. And that arrogant coworker? The WORST. How many times can they talk about their gaudy new house in one day? Sometimes it feels good to just say it aloud to someone who really hears you. Say how ugly that house is! The point is, this conversation helps you and your loved one manage your external stress - not caused by your relationship - so that you're not taking it out on each other or feeling like you need to fix each other's problems.

So make this a ritual! When you reunite at the end of the day, open up about what happened! Support each other emotionally about other areas of your lives.

There's a big asterisk on this conversation though. You ready? This is not the time to tell your partner, friend, family member, or whoever, about the issues you have within the relationship. You know why? If you're still in stress-mode, that's probably going to affect how you respond. Even though it's always good to regularly open up about what you need and how you feel within your relationship, when you are both trying to de-stress and connect, this is NOT the right time to tell your spouse that you think their mom doesn't like you. It's time for you to listen about how this person cut them off in traffic and turned back to smile - who does that?

But you know what? If you want to talk about your relationship in this moment because you want to strengthen it - just listening, empathizing, and validating your loved one's feelings at the end of the day can do wonders. Think of it this way - instead of saying you love them, show it by giving them the time and space to be heard.

So here's today's small thing: Practice listening to your loved one when you can tell they need to vent! Help them feel supported and heard - and watch the stress start to melt.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Disconnect to connect
It's time to unplug! In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we explain why disconnecting - and putting down your phone - could help form a stronger connection with your partner.

Listen to understand
Before you interrupt your partner's story, listen up! In this episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, we'll explain how fully listening before responding can strengthen your relationship.

Understanding must precede advice
There's a battle that you don't necessarily have to fight. Why understanding your partner before you even think about spewing advice could be just what your loved one needs!

You don't have to solve your problems
There are some issues between you and your partner that are unsolvable. But that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Find out how to deal with "perpetual problems" on this episode of Small Things Often.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based techniques to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about problems.

Everyone's got them. And there are some you just won't be able to solve. Some issues between you and your partner are just going to stick around, no matter how many years you're together.

For example, maybe you're an extrovert who's the center of attention at every social gathering, and loves meeting new people-as opposed to your partner who hates parties, avoids them at all costs-and is drained of every ounce of energy in their body when they finally walk out the door? Or maybe you would just absolutely love to have sex twice a week-and your partner would just absolutely love to have sex twice a month. Or, perhaps, you're neat as a pin, very orderly, and, just for fun, you love to arrange your books in alphabetical order by author while your partner throws their clothes on the floor every night, forgets to open the mail for weeks at a time, and never puts away the milk. And so maybe you start to think, can this relationship even survive?

Well, in a word. Yes-it can. Because the fact is: research shows that almost two-thirds of marital issues are unsolvable! Two-thirds, can you believe it?! We call these "perpetual problems." But it's okay, because the great news is-despite what many therapists-or friends who like to play therapist-might tell you, you don't have to solve these "perpetual problems" in order for your relationship to thrive.

But you can't just let the problems do their thing, and just be "whatever" about them being in your relationship. Here's the key: You've got to talk about these issues, a lot-and use these conversations to better understand each other. You'll never change your partner, nor should you try to. But a good healthy dialogue, sprinkled with a little affection, some acceptance, and a bit of humor, will allow for the space that each of you needs to come to an understanding of who you are as individuals-while being together. Because without this understanding, your conflict will become gridlocked. And gridlock leads to resentment. And resentment leads to emotional disconnect. And that's bad news for any relationship.

So give it a try. Talk about your differences, as well as your similarities-and maybe even grow old together-even if one of you still loathes going to parties.

So today's small thing is: Take a moment, and think of one perpetual problem in your relationship. How have you handled it? How might you change that going forward? How can you accept that this is just a way you're basically different, without it reflecting negatively on the relationship overall?

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute for another small way to help you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships every day.

Trust is built in very small moments
Trust doesn't happen overnight. It's built over time. Learn how paying attention to small everyday moments can add up to a deeply trusting relationship.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based techniques to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about trust.

Are you under the impression that since you've fallen madly in love, that trust will automatically follow? Ah, wouldn't that be so incredibly easy and perfect and wonderful... yeah it would be - if it were true. But the fact is, trust just doesn't happen.

Trust doesn't just appear all at once in one big swoop, as in "I love you so much, so, of course, I trust you so much." Nope. Trust builds over time. And it happens in small moments. Everyday moments. Some so tiny and "blah" or "whatever", you might just miss them if you're not paying attention. We call them "sliding door" moments. And every day, you have a chance to seize the moment to connect - or not.

So okay, I know this whole "sliding door" idea might be hard to understand at first, so basically, picture this:

It's Friday night. And you've made it to the end of an incredibly long, frustrating, and exhausting week at work. And all day long, you've been waiting to get home and go on a run. And, ahhhh, you're finally there. You're lacing up your shoes, picking your playlist, doing a little bit of stretching to hype yourself up before you go and you're about to leave and you see your partner sitting lost in thought, looking a bit sad.

"Oh,noo nooo noo," you think. "I don't really want to deal with this now! I just want to run and not think about anything!" Ding, ding, ding, ding!! You've just arrived at a "sliding door" moment! You now have a choice. Put your plans aside, and ask your partner what's wrong? Or pretend you didn't see it, and sneak out the door and run...After a moment, you take out your earbuds, sit down next to your partner and say, "You seem sad. What's going on? Can I help?"

Congratulations. With that one small choice, in that one tiny moment, you've begun to build trust. You paid attention, noticed there was something up, and made the choice to connect instead of focusing on yourself. Keep it up. Those small moments add up. And soon, a deep trusting relationship will follow.

So today's small thing is: Pay attention to all your interactions today, and watch for "sliding door" moments. This can be with your partner, your child, a friend - or anyone you love.

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute for another small way to help you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships every day.

Move from me to we
Are you and your partner on a unified front? If you feel like you have been out of sync maybe you need to start adding in more "We" and less "Me."

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about unity.

When you ask a happy couple about their relationship, they usually tell you about it with a sense of WE-ness... you know, we, you and me...ness...We-ness. Even the words they use to talk about their relationship often show similar beliefs, values, and goals - like they're in this together! So, what does that say? That it's important to move from "me" to "we" in your relationships.

One of the many reasons we-ness is important is because it can play a big role in the conflicts that pop up in any relationship. We've all been there. All relationships have conflicts that are tough to navigate. A common source of friction is money. Or how you label the relationship. Or maybe your conflicts aren't that deep. Thermostat wars are real. Basically, we can get stuck when the focus is always on me, not we - so maybe bring your A/C up from below freezing and warm up to the idea of compromising.

Here's something that can help. Start throwing "we" into the mix when you find yourself focusing on your own desires: Think, "What do we need? What do we want? What do we like?" It helps you get into the headspace to consider both you and your partner's wants and needs.

That brings us to today's small thing: It's time to ask yourself, "How are you building we-ness in your relationships?"

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Self-care isn't selfish
Think self-care is selfish? Think again. It could save your relationship. Listen to this important science-based tip on Small Things Often from the Gottman Institute-and discover why you need to carve out some me-time.

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Today's tip is about taking care of someone you know pretty well. Someone who's very important in your life and your relationships. YOU. That's right we said it, YOU, yourself!

There are times in your life where you may feel like you lose yourself a little. Maybe you've just been promoted-but your job is so demanding, you feel like you've lost all concept of time and space. Or maybe your dad is really sick, and you're on call 24/7. Or perhaps you just became a parent to a beautiful baby girl, and although you are over the moon with her arrival, she has colic and you haven't slept in what feels like a hundred years.

It happens. There are always going to be moments that require us to make sacrifices of our time and energy. It's admirable-and in many cases essential. But if you're feeling any kind of resentment creeping into your psyche, or any emotional distance, or a loss of intimacy in your relationship because of it, then whoa, listen up, because this tip is for you. And it all revolves around self-care.

First off, what do you feel when you hear that word? Does it make you feel incredibly selfish? Guilty? Self-indulgent? Cringey? You're not alone. So many people feel the same way.

But the simple fact is: Self-care isn't selfish at all. Taking the time for yourself-to do something just for you-is actually one of the best things you can do for your health and your relationships. Maybe belt out your favorite Adele song at the top of your lungs. Or go plant some flowers, and feel the fresh dirt between your fingers. Or maybe take a couple of hours to play a round of golf with your friends, an activity you love so much, but haven't done since your life turned upside down. The point is that anything that brings you joy-not only benefits YOU-but all of your relationships.

So here's today's small thing: Go nurture yourself. Pick one activity today that you love-and carve out a time to do it. Because bottom line- the best thing you can do for your relationships is take care of yourself!

Catch your partner doing something right
Can small moments of appreciation transform your relationship in a big way? You bet they can. In today's episode of Small Things Often by The Gottman Institute, find out why it's important to catch your partner doing something "right!"

What can you do in five minutes?
Got five minutes? That could be all you need to make a meaningful connection with your partner. Find out how in Episode 2 of Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute - and watch your relationship flourish.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in 5 minutes or less.

Today's tip is about time.

So time is relative. For example, you're being rushed out the door, and you yell to your partner "5 more minutes!" - but it's not really going to be just five minutes...and you both know that it's never going to be just five minutes because five minutes is nothing, what can you even do in five minutes? Well, actually... five minutes is plenty of time in relationships.

In fact, five minutes is the perfect amount of time for you and your partner to connect on a daily basis, and in a number of ways: You can express physical affection, like kissing, hugging, holding hands, or cuddling - or you can share specific things you appreciate about each other! Or tell your partner one thing you admire about them, and why! You can even just take the time to say thanks for the little things you've done that day to support each other....also just so you know listening to this tip absolutely qualifies as taking time for your relationship!! The point is, whatever you end up doing, we know you have busy lives with hectic schedules, but those tiny bits of free time, five minutes here or there, are huge opportunities to connect with your partner, even if it's in small ways.

We'll leave you with today's small thing: Tell your partner one thing you admire about them (maybe even a few more if you have more than 5 minutes!)

Tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for another quick tip from The Gottman Institute - helping you maintain and strengthen all of your relationships.

Who are we? What are we going to do?
Sometimes it feels like we should just know how to be a good partner even when things get tough and overwhelming. But we're here to tell you a good relationship comes from the small things-the day-to-day moments that can make a big difference over time.

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Hi! You're listening to Small Things Often from The Gottman Institute, a new podcast where we talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less.

So, there's a common misconception about relationships that often makes us feel bad. It's this whole idea that relationships should be....easy. Because we are told it's so easy to fall in love. But no one opens up about what it takes to stay there. Because there's this idea that since we're wired for connection, it should be easy for us to just naturally know how to love each other in the best ways. And it can feel really overwhelming and big to "figure out" your relationship.

But what really makes a relationship great is the small things. The everyday moments we sometimes don't even notice. When your partner asked about your day and really listened. Or when they sent you a funny meme. It's these small, meaningful things that make a big difference. They make you feel connected. And understood. Whether it's your partner, co-worker, relative, or friend-they all benefit from small things often.

It can be hard to wrap your mind around how relationships really work. Since everyone seems to have their own advice on how it should be. So we want to give you a place where you know you can find trusted and proven ways to improve your relationships. We'll talk you through how to express your needs assertively, but in a way where it doesn't come out sounding like criticism or blame. And how to manage conflict in a productive, healthy, and non-hurtful way. And how those things lead to greater understanding. And how to really listen to your partner.

So twice a week we are going to share tips that are based on the methods and approaches from extensive scientific research. Small Things Often is only 5 minutes of your day to learn a little more about how to make your relationships positive, healthy, and long-lasting. And we mean all of your relationships. Honestly, that's not bad at all for five minutes. Trust us, everyone should have simple ways to invest in their relationships. Because taking time to work on yourself and how you connect will benefit you and the people you love.

So tune in to the next episode of Small Things Often for a quick tip from The Gottman Institute-helping you have better relationships.

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Small Things Often - The Gottman Institute

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Welcome to Small Things Often, a podcast from The Gottman Institute Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. Every Monday and Wednesday morning, we'll talk you through research-based tips to help improve your relationships in five minutes or less. Small Things Often is an invitation to think small.

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How Well Do You Know Your Partner? The Gottman Relationship Quiz

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How Well Do You Know Your Partner? The Gottman Relationship Quiz

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Uncover the depth of your relationship with our insightful quiz. Explore how well you know your partner with Gottman’s expert guidance. Delve into engaging questions and thoughtful insights to strengthen your bond and enhance your understanding of each other. Whether you’re newly dating or have decades together, discover tips to foster deeper connections and improved communication. Learn to appreciate your partner’s perspective and nurture your relationship with the support of trusted strategies, proven by research. Take the journey to know your partner and each other better today. Begin your exploration now!

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TED: The science of healthy relationships with John and Julie Gottman (Transcript)

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TED: The science of healthy relationships with John and Julie Gottman (Transcript)

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The science of healthy relationships with John and Julie Gottman (Transcript)

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TED is a nonprofit devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading - through TED.com, our annual conferences, the annual TED Prize and local TEDx events.

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CFMWS - Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services

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We’ve got some useful tip sheets for you to check out below.

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CFMWS: Tips for Expressing Anger within a Relationship

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CFMWS: Tips for Expressing Anger within a Relationship

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CFMWS: Tips for Expressing Anger within a Relationship

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CFMWS: Tips for Expressing Anger within a Relationship

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CFMWS - Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services

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We all feel angry at different points, and it is okay to feel this way. Anger describes a range of emotions from impatience to irritation to frustration and even rage. While we may feel angry, using violence and/or abusive language are never acceptable ways of expressing or coping with anger.

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CFMWS: Speaking with your teens about healthy relationships

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CFMWS: Speaking with your teens about healthy relationships

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CFMWS: Speaking with your teens about healthy relationships

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CFMWS: Speaking with your teens about healthy relationships

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CFMWS - Canadian Forces Morale and Welfare Services

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It’s important to speak with your teenager about healthy relationships and what they look and feel like to them. In healthy relationships, people feel safe, respected and accepted for who they are. In unhealthy relationships, people may feel anxious, confused, uncertain and even unsafe. Talking with your teen about these differences can help them make choices about who they date and for how long.

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CAMH: Tips for Building Healthy Relationships with Your Teenagers

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CAMH: Tips for Building Healthy Relationships with Your Teenagers

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1) Be honest and open.

Talk to your teens about dating and sexuality. The research shows that the more open and honest you are with your child the more communication there will be about dating and sexuality. And this is very important because it has been found that a good predictor of less adolescent sex is directly related to how much parents and teens talk openly about sex. Richer discussions about dating and sexuality are one mechanism by which a better quality parent-teen relationship influences adolescent choices to delay sexual activity. 'Richer discussions' means including messages about your attitudes and values about sexuality, advice-giving, and warnings about potentially negative consequences of teenage sexual activity.

2) Be authoritative not authoritarian in your parenting style.

Show an authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting style, which involves a combination of warmth and firmness. Set high standards and have high expectations for your teens regarding their behaviour, and enforce these standards with consistent discipline. However, you should provide an atmosphere of acceptance and psychological autonomy where the teen's views and individuality can develop freely.

3) Think "harm reduction," not zero tolerance.

When it comes to a teens' experimentation with adult privileges (substance use, sex, romance, etc.) it is unrealistic to assume that they will not experiment. Parents who try and enforce absolutes are often in conflict with their teens and most often are kept in the dark about their activities. The alternative is to discuss choices and the pros and cons of these new-found opportunities in a non-threatening manner, and obtain their understanding in advance of consequences for breach of trust. Convey to them that you want them to be safe which implies that they must take personal responsibility for their actions, use their own judgment, and make their own choices.

4) Don't believe everything you read or hear.

The media would have us believe that drug-use, heavy drinking, violence and underage sex, are occurring at rates far greater than they actually are. These misconceptions can lead to a sense of dread as your child approaches the teen years, and may influence how you react to your child's behaviour and actions. This is especially true if you automatically assume that they will become involved in high-risk behaviour. Make sure to get the facts and examine the misconceptions you may have about your teen's behaviour and actions before you jump to any conclusions.

5) Monitor and supervise your teen's activities with parental sensitivity.

Parental supervision is recognized as a key factor that can moderate adolescent problem behaviour. Monitoring must be balanced with parental sensitivity so as not to become over-intrusive and unnecessarily invade your teen's privacy. You can monitor your child's behaviour simply by being present (before and after they go out, for example) and asking a few simple questions in a neutral (non accusatory) tone. Too much supervision and monitoring can lead to greater teen problem behaviour because teens may then rebel and act out to exercise their right to some freedom from parental constraints.

6) Accentuate the Positive.

Try to initiate positive communication with your teenager whenever the opportunity arises. If you are experiencing conflict with your teen over rules, chores, school, peers, etc. talk to them about it, but also attempt to have positive conversations with your teen about other things. Because there is conflict does not mean that every interaction has to be negative. Actively attempt to build in genuine positive interactions throughout the day or week so that your teen learns that you are unhappy with their behaviour and not with them as a person.

7) Encourage your teen to be involved in extracurricular activities.

Studies have shown that greater extracurricular involvement at school or in the community can have a positive influence on academic achievement, and pro-social behaviours such as voting and volunteering in young adulthood. Be aware! Girls drop out of sports and other physical activities at an alarming rate when they get to high school, because they are pressured into believing that being athletic is not feminine. Speak with them about these pressures and why it is important to make your own decisions.

8) Encourage flexibility in gender roles and behaviour.

Teens are under considerable pressure to conform to their peers' (and sometimes family's) expectations as to what boys and girls "should and should not" do. Gender-role rigidity is very high in early to mid-adolescence, with boys (in particular) having a heightened sense of the importance of being "masculine." Speak to them about these pressures and their views, and encourage them to recognize how some of their choices (of friends, sports, etc.) may be misdirected by fears of being ridiculed. Overly aggressive and controlling behaviour in teens, are often signs of their strict adherence to society's expectations, which can sometimes be inadvertently communicated by parents ("be a man," "tough it out"). Discuss ways to respond to teasing in a lighthearted manner.

9) Address any abusive or inappropriate language with a firm and clear message.

Today it has become acceptable in teen culture to swear and verbally abuse others like no other previous generation has! While parents can't totally prevent abusive language from their homes (in music, television, and other media), teens appreciate knowing the limits. Language is a powerful means by which teens control the actions of others, including dating partners, parents, and peers. Be especially vigilant for expressions that put down others, no matter how "innocent" or "joking" they may seem, and point out what these expressions really communicate.

10) Be an active participant (to a point) in your teen's life.

Know your child's interests. If they like hockey, take them to a hockey game if you can. If they play hockey, watch them play - in a non-critical way. If they like opera, ballet, whatever their interest is, plan a day when you can be together to do something special. Or if a movie comes on television that you both like - watch it together. Not a lot of words need to be spoken. It is being together that counts!

Dr. David Wolfe is the RBC Investments Chair in Children's Mental Health and Development Psychopathology at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health.

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Tips for Building Healthy Relationships with Your Teenagers

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Being a teenager is tough, but it can become easier when adults can take steps to strengthen the relationship with their teenagers.

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Healthy Relationships Training Module - PREVNet

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Healthy Relationships Training Module - PREVNet

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Healthy Relationships Training Module - PREVNet

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The Healthy Relationships Training Module fills a gap in the […]

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How is self-compassion connected to healthy relationship?

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How is self-compassion connected to healthy relationship?

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How do I ask for and talk about consent?

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How do I ask for and talk about consent?

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Red flags to watch out for in relationships (may it be with family, friends, or partners)

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Red flags to watch out for in relationships (may it be with family, friends, or partners)

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Video about consent for training and awareness purposes

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We don't talk about consent enough. Even though it's the cornerstone of every interaction between partners, most people are still a little unsure about what consent means - and what it doesn't.

Consent is often used in the context of physical or sexual activity with a partner, but it has more to do with the decision-making behind your actions than the actions themselves.

Put simply, consent is an ongoing mutual agreement between partners about what they want to experience.

You may have heard the phrase "no means no" in the context of consent. That's true, but a statement like that doesn't provide a complete picture of the complexities that go into mutual decision-making and respect in a relationship.

"No means no" (and even "yes means yes") puts the responsibility on one person to resist or accept an activity. Instead of framing consent as a reactive measure in response to a partner's actions, think of consent as a proactive expression of what partners are comfortable with and want to do together.

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Understanding consent in relationships: Often used in physical or sexual terms, consent has more to do with decisions than actions.

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Gov. of Alberta: Understanding consent for sex

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Gov. of Alberta: Understanding consent for sex

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Consent is when people share their boundaries and are given clear permission before a specific activity – whether that be a hug, a back rub, a kiss, or sexual activities. Consent is an informed, voluntary, and mutual decision that people feel good about. All people involved understand what they are agreeing to, and have had a

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Consent permits something to occur and is an agreement to do something that requires ongoing communication and respect (such as saying yes or no to physical touch).

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NAIT is committed to creating an environment that is free of sexual violence, discrimination, bullying and harassment.

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It’s freezing outside and winter is still showing no signs of letting up — but the mood is warm and engaging at Room W101 during the Snow-cial Hour!

Forget the Canadian windchill for a bit and join us on February 10 for an enjoyable mid-day indoor escape. We’re trading frostbite for fun and games, and we want YOU there. Whether you’re catching up with old buddies or looking to break the ice with new friends, we’ve got you covered!

We are introducing new twists to the same games you have grown familiar with in past NAIT events. We also have our excellent Peer Mentors from both NAIT Student Life and the International & Intercultural Community Centre as event facilitators to get everyone involved and engaged.

No energy for socialization? Not a problem! There is enough room in the venue for those who just want to hang out and chill, or play classic board games.

Stay for the entire event and get up to three chances to win a prize during the scheduled raffle draws!

Whether you are coming alone or bringing friends with you, the Snow-cial Hour is a fun way to expand and strengthen your campus network. See you there!

Date: Feb. 10, 2026 (Tuesday)
Time: 12:00 PM - 2:00 PM
Venue: IICC (Room W101)

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The Snow-cial Hour is part of the Healthy Relationship Week lineup of events. For information, please join “NAIT Student Life” here on Ookslife, or follow @naitstudentlife on Instagram.

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Life in post-secondary can leave very little room for anything other than academics. But if you know where to look, you can discover opportunities to express your creative side.

We invite you to join us for Beads & Bliss, a drop-in event where you can learn to design and create your own beads bracelet. Absolutely no prior experience required!

More than just engaging in a craft, creating with beads also provides an opportunity for you to slow down, de-stress, and relax as you take a much needed break in-between your school work and other campus commitments.

As part of Healthy Relationship Week, this activity encourages you to develop your relationships with others and with yourself. Feel free to bring friends with you and create your bracelets together in a chill environment. But it is also perfectly alright to go solo and enjoy a quiet craft time in your own meditative space.

We offer beads of various colors and designs. You can make one for yourself, or for someone special. The choice is yours!

Beads & Bliss is brought to you by NAIT Student Life. It will be held at the South Lobby on Thursday, February 12, from 10am to 2pm.

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Take time to slow down, reflect, and reconnect with yourself at Blossoming Wellness, a creative painting experience designed to support self-expression and a healthy relationship with yourself.

In this drop-in session, students are invited to paint their own spiritual flower—a personal symbol of growth, resilience, boundaries, or care. Using acrylic paints and a variety of creative materials, you can explore colours, textures, and meanings in a relaxed, welcoming environment.

No painting experience is needed. Whether you stay for a few minutes or the full session, this activity offers space to unwind, express emotions, and enjoy the process rather than the outcome.

🌿 What to expect:

Guided inspiration to paint your spiritual flower

Acrylic paints and a range of creative options

A calm, supportive space for self-reflection and creativity

A chance to connect with others or enjoy quiet solo time

Come create, reflect, and let your wellness bloom during Healthy Relationship Week 💛

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The OWL Book Swap is back this February with a special edition focused on connection, communication, and care for yourself and others. 💛 Whether it’s friendship, family, or self-growth, stories help us better understand the relationships that shape our lives.

The concept stays the same: BRING a book, TAKE a book.

🗓️ Date: February 11, 2026
📍 Location: CAT Mainstreet
🕒 Time: 10:00 AM – 2:00 PM
📌 Look for our table booth!

In recognition of Healthy Relationship Week, we’ll be highlighting a selection of books that explore connection, self-expression, and everyday well-being. You’re welcome to bring any book, but we’ll be featuring the following categories:

✔️Fiction
✔️ Romance & Relationships
✔️ Lifestyle/DIY

From feel-good stories to thoughtful reads and creative guides, bring a book that meant something to you and discover a new one to take home.

No book to swap? No worries! Library Services will have books available to browse and borrow—just bring your NAIT Student ID.

Why Participate?

📖 Reflect & Grow
Discover stories that encourage healthy communication, self-awareness, and meaningful connections.

👥 Connect on Campus
Chat with fellow students, share recommendations, and bond over books—even if it’s just a quick stop.

🌱 Swap Sustainably
Give your books a second life while supporting a culture of sharing and care at NAIT.

📚✨ Stop by, swap a story, and celebrate healthy relationships—one book at a time.