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I have always love writing. Poetry was my thing as a teenager and to this day I love it. I wanted to share my thoughts somewhere outside of my head. I talk to myself and God a lot so I thought why not share it with you. Who am I referring to YOU the way I think of YOU is the world the person , the group anyone other than me.

So I want to share with YOU what happens in the maze of my mind.

I have had a lot of things happen in my life whether good , bad or life boot camps it always evolves . As I grow older , I move a little slower , little more cautious and very much aware.

I want to free express my thoughts freedom of speech is a big idea but society decorum makes it a contradiction.  I have always been a strong person but I have learned that strength comes from struggle and right now I want to recover and BE STILL. In 3 decades I have never been STILL .

Being still can be a tool for mental recovery.

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I am going to tell my story. I believe in integrity and being honest with yourself and showing your nakedness is the hardest thing. I have been running from my fears from my pain from my memories as my childhood was a haunting nightmare that plagued my dreams . I grew up in violence and isolation . I was taught tears were weakness . Feelings are bad but numbness is best . I don’t like to say I survived because I could have ran away and got married to an Airmen . I had that choice but I stayed , I endured , I learned. I stayed to defend and protect my siblings . I became a mother without ever having a child. But I’m eight grade I was pulled out of school to take care of my youngest brother . A 12yr old and a newborn baby boy . I am the oldest of six , I will make this clear I am not a victim . I am not looking sympathy or pity . I just want to write and if you want to read the pages or lend an ear that’s great . If not move along.

I am a natural nurturing person. God put that in my soul. So I learned how to change diapers and raise three boys and a girl. I shielded them from the violence and promised to never let anyone split us apart . I don’t break promises so I stayed until I couldn’t any longer.

When you’re constantly taking care of others you never see you and what you need.

When I finally left , I ran and ran and ran for 15 years I ran from the monster, ignoring the knocking at the door where I put away all painful memories. You can lock it away but it never leaves you. Until I stopped running and turn around the pain and all overcomes you but you can still stand. I faced it and saw a little me trying to get to me. So I decided in 2022 get to know little me that I didn’t nurture and love that was never wanted by her parents and was the punching bag . I needed to take care of little me so 33 yr old me could finally feel peace and heal.

So I have been learning about me ….  I found so many things that needed attention but was starved that. See I stopped growing because I poured into others and hoped and waited that my mother would pour into me and it never happened,

Now I realize that so me is who I want to know and share with the world .. just me

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I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and at the time that it should. I have always loved helping others since a young age it was ingrained in me that I was meant to be a caretaker, defender, protector, and advocate. So I gravitated to a career in Healthcare helping patients. Which evolved into Healthcare operations and people management. I love planting a seed and watching it grow. Everyone has a tiny spark of flame hidden under anger, doubt, fear, aggression, and other negative coping mechanisms. There is a spark inside you just have to navigate the maze to get there. I have never given up on a teammate no matter how difficult they are. I have never given up on people because of this belief. My area of opportunity is planting and growing seeds into me.

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Finding your younger self which a lot times has been locked away.Waiting year and year waiting for you to open the 🚪. I had a dream through my own healing process of me meeting my younger self . She was so eager to talk and and bouncing . I gave her a hug ,grabbed her hand and said let’s go . The dream scared me at first but then I realized I made it to the most important parts of self love . Bringing little me out of her locked away room. I was ready to say it’s ok now we know how to love ourselves. So I started writing again haven’t done that sense I was a 13. I started spending more time in my arts n crafts. I cared for everyone , nurtured everyone but neglected her for over 20 years not gonna happens anymore.

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Remember you can pour from an empty cup. 

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Remember you can pour from an empty cup. 

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When I was first laid off from my job, I was devastated but I am appreciative of this time. I have learned so much about myself, and learning to go with the flow has been amazing. I was speaking with a counselor and they asked me what is your next big goal. I said you know what I do not have one. I do not want one and she was puzzled, so I had to explain the reason behind this. All of my life I have been obsessively looking for approval from people, family, friends, and acquaintances that I was good enough. When your whole life you have been told that you aren't it consumes you for the rest of your life. I have been a strong over-achiever any goal that I set in front of me I do and achieve it and nothing I mean nothing will get in my way. I had a goal to reach the career goal of Jr. Director before I was 35yrs. I accomplished it but all the ruin that was left outside of the blinders finally came to greet me. I reached the top of the top. My family was in turmoil, my relationship was deteriorating, and my children we exposed to trauma. The saying that everything comes with a price is real and true. I sacrificed them to meet one goal then the next goal then the next goal. How can I reach for everyone to say a good Job? So this year I do not want to think of my next big goal. I want small goals, eat every day, keep all of your appts, and shower every day. Perfectionism is a condition that in my opinion is a form of self-harm. I am teaching myself every day to go with the flow . Let the day be free of time tables just be aware of the here and now.