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Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn't possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.

Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. "It's a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they're lying about a lot of stuff," he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.

Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don't want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth - or at least the whole truth.

To test out a new behavior

Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they've discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. "They'll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?" he says. "What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?'"

To enhance self-esteem and gain approval

Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others. Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: "They were kind of incredible experiences that weren't within the bounds of plausible at all." For instance, the boy would say he'd gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.

To get the focus off themselves

Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr. Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like "No, no I slept fine last night" because they don't want people worrying about them.

Speaking before they think

Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. "One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think," she says, "so a lot of times you're going to get this lying issue."

Sometimes kids can really believe they've done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. "Sometimes they'll really just forget. I have kids who say, 'To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn't remember I had that extra work.'" When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.

And then there are white lies

Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone's feelings. In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.

What parents can do about lying

Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it's first important to think about the function of the lie. "When I'm doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies," Dr. Rouse says. "It's something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?" He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. "There are no hard and fast guidelines," he says. "Different levels mean different repercussions."

When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it's best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, "That's a lie. I know that didn't happen to you," he suggests a gentle approach where parents don't necessarily have a consequence but they're also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.

This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. "So if they're saying, 'I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing' and you think it's not true, then I would say don't ask a bunch of follow-up questions." For these kind of low-level lies that aren't really hurting anyone but aren't good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.

If that doesn't work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. "I've had situations where it's an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie," he says. "I'll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, 'Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don't you try again and tell me what really happened?' " It's about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.

If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they've been or whether they've done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it's not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore

Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said they didn't have any homework all week and then the parent finds out they had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and they also have to sit down and do all the work. If they've hit another child and lied about it, there's a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr. Rouse says, you would also have your child write an apology letter to the other child.

Ways to help your kids avoid lying in the first place

Let them know the truth reduces consequences

For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. "There's a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary," Dr. Rouse says.

In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they're taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.

Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. "Sometimes the kid will say, 'But I told you the truth,'" he says. "They'll get manipulative, saying, 'This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.'" Parents shouldn't give in at that point.

Use truth checks

Let's say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn't do their homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If they doesn't at first, the parents could say, "I'm going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I'm going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it's just a truth check and you won't get in trouble."

This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because they're scared of consequences or they don't want to disappoint a parent, they have the chance to really think about whether they want to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn't for a child who chronically lies.

Use the preamble method

Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don't expect perfection, Dr. Brady notes. Parents could say, "I'm going to ask you a question and maybe you're going to tell me something I don't really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer." Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.

Give kids with ADHD more time to think

Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at their paper. That's when he needs to be taught to slow down and check their work.

Don't ever corner your child

Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie. If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if they didn't do their homework, a parent could just say, "I know you didn't do it. Let's talk about why that's not a good idea."

Don't label your child a liar

It's a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what they lied about in the first place. It causes the child to think, "Mom won't believe me." It makes them feel bad about themselves and may set up a pattern of lying.

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Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do About It - Child Mind Institute

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While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn't possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework. Discover why kids lie and what parents can do about it.

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Opinion: raising more than one child is challenging

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Opinion: raising more than one child is challenging

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People often say that having a second child doesn't much add to the workload of parenting. There's no steep learning curve: You already know how to make a bottle, install a car seat and when to call the pediatrician. And you're already doing laundry, making lunches and supervising bath time-so throwing a second kid in the tub isn't a big deal.
Except that it is. Having a second child doesn't just mean attaching a second seat to your stroller. Adding a whole new person to your family is more complicated than that, and it's okay to say that it is hard.
A study out of Australia disputes the popular idea that after making the transition from people to parents, making the jump from one child to two is easy. The researchers found that having a second child puts a lot of pressure on parents' time and their mental health, and mothers bear the brunt of the burden.

When looking at heterosexual couples, the researchers found that before a first child is born both partners feel equal amounts of "time pressure," but once the child is born, that pressure grows, more so for mothers than fathers.
Basically, parents feel psychological stress when they feel they don't have enough time to do all they need to. One baby makes both parents feel more stress, but mom's increase is more than dad's. When a second baby comes, that time pressure doubles for both parents, and since mom already had more than dad, there's now a gulf between them.
The researchers behind this study- Leah Ruppanner, Francisco Perales and Janeen Baxter -say that after a first child is born, a mother's mental health improves, but after a second child, it declines.

Writing for The Conversation, the trio explains:

"Second children intensify mothers' feelings of time pressure. We showed that if mothers did not have such intense time pressures following second children, their mental health would actually improve with motherhood. Fathers get a mental health boost with their first child, but also see their mental health decline with the second child. But, unlike mothers, fathers' mental health plateaus over time. Clearly, fathers aren't facing the same chronic time pressure as mothers over the long-term."

The researchers say that even when mothers reduce their work time, the time pressure is still there and that "mothers cannot shoulder the time demands of children alone."

Adding a second child to the family isn't just a matter of throwing a few more socks in the laundry: It means a schedule that is already stretched is now filling up with twice as many appointments, twice as many school functions. Mothers only have 24 hours in the day, and as much as we wish we could add a couple extra hours per child, we can't.

Time simply can't change to help us, but society can. As the researchers noted, when time pressure is removed, motherhood actually improves mental health.

We love our lives, we love our kids, we love parenting, but there is only so much of our day to go around.
Ruppanner, Perales and Baxter suggest that if society were to help mothers out more, our mental health (and therefore our children's wellbeing as well) would improve even after two or three kids. "Collectivising childcare - for example, through school buses, lunch programs and flexible work policies that allow fathers' involvement - may help improve maternal mental health," the researchers explain, adding that "it is in the national interest to reduce stressors so that mothers, children and families can thrive."
Whether you're talking about Australia or America, that last bit is so true, but this research proves that the myth about second-time parenthood isn't. Even if you already have the skills and the hand-me-downs, having a second child isn't as easy as it is sometimes made out to be.

We can love our children and our lives and still admit when things aren't easy.
[This post was first published December 18, 2018.]

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It's OK if Two Kids is Way Harder than you Thought - Motherly

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There's not as big of a learning curve, but a study out of Australia found that parents with two kids had a harder time than they thought. Category : Parenting, Health & Wellness, It's Science, Life, Mental Health

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Opinion: raising an only child is challenging

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Opinion: raising an only child is challenging

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Raising an Only Child Is Harder Than I Ever Imagined

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In some ways, raising an only child is even harder than raising multiple kids.

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A 2018 study, by Southwest University in Chongqing, China, looked at more than 250 university-aged students; 126 students without siblings and 177 with siblings.

In China, the one child policy meant that family planning was dictated by the government for nearly 40 years.

The students taking part in the study were tested in terms of thinking ability and personality. It focused on the topic of whether different family environments influence children's brain structural development and whether behaviour differentially has its neural basis between only-child and non-only-child status.

It was revealed that only children were more flexible in their thinking, and were more creative, though they tended to also show 'lower agreeableness.' Only children achieved lower scores in terms of how tolerant they are.

The students were also asked to complete a creativity test known as the Torrance Tests of Creative Thinking, where they were required to come up with as many original uses for an everyday object. The study found only children might be better lateral thinkers, as they were able to solve problems more creatively.

Dr Westrupp, who is the parent of an only child herself, says generally speaking, it's safe to say there aren't many differences between only children and those who have siblings.

"Of course, there are some differences, such as only children often receive more quality one on one time with their parents; because there's only one child means there are often more resources to support the only child, in terms of flexibility, time and finances," Dr Westrupp says.

"One possible negative may be if the parents of an only child are having difficulties such as unemployment, mental health problems or if they are highly stressed, these problems can have a stronger impact on an only child because there are less people in the house for that to be buffered against.

"There's also some suggestion there might be more pressure from parents on an only child to succeed.

"Research has shown that only children may be slower to develop conflict resolution skills, given that they don't have siblings to learn and practice these skills with. By the time children are toddlers, it's important to provide opportunities for developing their social skills by allowing them to play with other children."

Another assumption about only children is that they will miss out on significant learning because they aren't in a position to learn certain skills from their siblings, such as skills of negotiation, or how to get themselves out of trouble.

Dr Westrupp doesn't believe this is a major problem.

"The key point is that while there might be some differences in abilities to resolve conflict, I don't think that means it's a lifelong difference. There are plenty of opportunities for kids to learn conflict resolution skills once they start primary school," Dr Westrupp says.

"I think it's important that parents of only children offer opportunities for them to play with other children and to form really close attachments.

"Having an only child might also mean that parents will have to be more involved as they teach their child social skills, particularly when it comes to sharing toys, books or an adult's attention."

Dr Westrupp believes another positive aspect of having an only child is that there is less strain on the parents in many ways.

"Each additional child poses an increased risk for the health of the couple relationship and parents' mental health," Dr Westrupp says.

"On the flip side, it may be easier for parents of a single child to leave one child with friends and family and take a break together which is very important for the health of the couple's relationship, compared to when there are multiple children in a family.

"It's important for parents of only children not to let the stigma or negative stereotypes about only children influence their parenting or behaviour."

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Proponents of larger families claim 'only children' may be spoiled, lonely, or selfish. But science shows this is wrong. Known as 'only child

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Connecting Temperament Traits with Needed Skills

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Connecting Temperament Traits with Needed Skills

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Copy of Connecting Temperament Traits with Needed Skills.docx

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Once upon a time (ok, this was two years ago) we invited one of my daughter's preschool friends and her mother over for a lunch playdate. Everything was going swimmingly - the girls played perfectly, the moms had a nice chat, everything was really lovely - until, that is, I made lunch.It was what I would consider a normal lunch for us - ham and cheese roll-ups, a fresh fruit salad, baby carrots with homemade ranch dip, and some cheese flavored crackers in the shape of an animal. My girls tucked in happily, but the little friend immediately threw a temper tantrum - and a giant one. "Oh, sorry", the mom explained "I should have warned you - she doesn't eat anything except peanut butter and grape jelly on white bread. And cheese sticks".Uhh.... Say what?! The mom then went on to explain that literally, this was the only thing the little girl ate - and she ate it every single day for 3 meals a day, and sometimes snacks, too.

No fruits. No vegetables. No meat. No variety.

I mean - I totally get it. My middle girl would happily survive on nothing but crackers and mac and cheese if I let her. But that is the point - I don't let her. We are just as likely to have curry for dinner as chicken nuggets, and while my kids might not love every single thing they are served, they will eat at least some of it anyway.

Having children who are adventurous eaters doesn't necessarily mean you will have kiddos that beg for sushi, beets, and liver - but it does mean your kiddos can enjoy a wide variety of foods, and be open to trying and exploring new things as well!

No picky eaters allowed here!

How Do I Raise A Good Eater?

Raising a good eater is key to making sure your little one doesn't become a picky eater. You only need 8 simple steps you can start implementing now.

1. Early Exposure

The earlier you can expose your kiddos to a variety of flavors, textures, ingredients, and cuisines, the better off their chances of becoming an adventurous eater and loving a wide variety of foods will be. During pregnancy and breastfeeding is awesome, but incorporating new flavors into your baby and toddler's diet is key.

Contrary to popular misconceptions, kids do not need overly bland foods! While babies and toddlers do have twice the amount of taste buds as adults do, and are more sensitive to flavors, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy having flavors to begin with!

And whether you choose to make your own baby food, feed baby straight from your plate, or buy it from a store, there are so many awesome and flavorful choices! Every food is "kid friendly" if you let it be!

2. Serve a Variety

Giving your kids options of different foods is super important. I try to make sure each meal consists of a variety of different colors of food as well as foods from each "food group". That way if they decide they don't like curried chicken, they have a variety of other healthy options that will satisfy their tummies and keep them from going to bed hungry.

Divided plates with 3-5 spaces are my favorite meal time accessory, because it helps me remember to serve lots of different things!

3. Add Lots of Color

Pretty food looks more appetizing, right? While we know that a sea of brown food might taste good, it doesn't really look appetizing. People, and especially kids, eat with their eyes first.

So having a meal look appetizing is an important step to having your kids want to eat it! I am not telling you to grab the cookie cutters and turn every meal into a creative culinary scene that belongs on Instagram.

One way I love to add more color to a meal is to add fruit into the meal.

4. Keep Trying

Did you know your taste buds are replaced about every two weeks, and they are continually changing?! Just because something doesn't go over well today doesn't mean it will forever be a hated food. Keep trying!

Try new ways of preparing food (baked, grilled, poached, etc) and with different herbs and other ingredients to change the flavor and how it is presented. For the longest time I thought asparagus was utterly disgusting-because I had only ever had it simmered in water until it was mushy and tasted like grass. Then I had it grilled, and I discovered I LOVE it!
To learn more about adding spices and herbs to your family's meals, read this post.

5. Don't Impose Expectations

This one is soooo hard because the whole family needs to be on board. If you want your 4-year-old to eat broccoli, then Daddy (or someone else) can't go on and on about how much they dislike broccoli. Those expectations go a long way.

Phrases like "I don't think you will like this" or "You are going to LOVE this" set the stage for failure and mistrust. Allowing a child to make their own discoveries is important.

Focus on the health qualities of the food, how you used a new ingredient, where it comes from, or how it is made. Then, instead of your little sponge suddenly regurgitating someone else's opinion about the food, they are more likely to feel curious and want to try it.

6. They Eat What You Eat

For the love of Pete, please stop being a short order chef!

Your job is NOT to make 4 different meals that cater exactly to everyone's specific taste preferences so that everything is rainbows and sunshine. Your job is to nourish your family with a dinner you have lovingly prepared for them. It is then their responsibility to decide if they are going to eat it (whether or not they like it) or be hungry.

One Meal. No Alternatives.

I promise they won't shrivel up and die because they don't eat 100% of the food on their plate. Pinky Swear. And more often than not, they will eat. Have your family help you create your your meal plan ( learn more about making meal planning easy here) so they have some input and get excited about what you are eating!

7. Ease Up

I know. It's really easy to get uptight with dinner time rules. But the more rules you try to enforce, and the more micromanaging you do during dinner time ('Take another bite', 'eat some chicken', 'don't use so much ketchup'), the less enjoyable meal time becomes.

Think about it - do you like it when your boss or significant other stands over your shoulder and tells you exactly what to do during each and every movement you make? I'm going to guess no. And I'm going to guess it actually makes you really irritable, too.

Well, guess what? Your kid feels the same way. And everyone else at the table.
Don't be a Dinner Dictator!
Relax and give your child the freedom to experience their dinner at their own pace while you talk about your days, laugh, and have a good time. Dinner can turn from feeling like a chore to a valued part of your day.

That's not to say there aren't rules - because obviously everyone needs to sit on their bottom and not stab their sibling with their fork or fling spaghetti on the ceiling. But turning down the dictoratorship will make a phenomenal impact on your meal time atmosphere.

8. No Bribery

There are totally times where bribery works. And I'm not going to be one of those parents who tells you to never bribe your kid - that is totally your decision. But the dinner table is one of those places where I hope you would use is sparingly.

By saying "I will give you an amazing dessert if you eat your dinner!" what you are actually teaching your kids is that the dinner you are serving is icky, gross, gag-worthy, and the only way they can choke it down is the thought of having a cookie at the end.

Instead try offering up something to dip that chicken into, taking family bites (Our favorite is "Everyone take a bite of chicken! Ready? 1 -2 -3!" Peer pressure is awesome...).

9. Get Them Involved

One of the absolute best things you can do on your journey to raise adventurous eaters is to get your kids involved in their meals. Give them some ownership of what they eat, and you will be astounded by what they do with it.

Growing a garden with your kids is one of my favorite ways to do this, but also having them help you pick out new recipes to try, picking out the produce at the grocery store, and assisting you in preparing dinner will not only give them a sense of pride in helping you, but it will also help foster responsibility, curiosity, and enjoyment in what they are doing.

What Tools Do I Need To Raise An Adventurous Eater?

In reality - nothing!

You can raise an adventurous eater with the things you already have in your cabinets and drawers.

However, if you want to get really serious about it, I do have some recommendations!

Tools For Raising Adventurous Eaters

This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Kid-Friendly Chopsticks - We have these and LOVE them! Not only are they super cute, but they are also dishwasher safe AND you can take them apart easily to clean, or when you no longer need the "kid" part. These are what my girls have learned to use chopsticks with and they use them better than most adults do!

Real Dishes - Totally my personal opinion, but I think that for kids to feel like they are mature enough to eat real food, they need to have real dishes. Or at least dishes that aren't in shaped like a lion and have sparkle kitties all over them. The dishes shouldn't be distracting, because the point is the food, right? Anyway. We have two sets we love - These glass dishes (YES, I totally said GLASS! And no, we haven't lost a single one) by Duralex, and these RePlay recycled plastic sets which are better for babies and younger toddlers.

Kid Safe Cooking Utensils are great for getting your kids in the kitchen without feeling like they might cut off their entire hand. No one wants that.

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8 Simple Steps to Raising Adventurous Eaters

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Does how to raise an adventurous eater can seem like a challenge? These 8 simple steps you can start implementing today will help you avoid picky eaters!

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Tips for Busy Families - The Family Dinner Project

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It seems like almost every day has a few good reasons to skip family dinner: a late meeting, a basketball practice, a doctor’s appointment. More often

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How to Encourage Your Children to Have Healthy Eating Habits - Stanford Medicine Children’s Health Blog

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As a parent and caregiver, you play an important role in making healthy choices for your children and in teaching them to make healthy choices on their own. Here are some tips from clinical pediatric dietitian and nutritionist, Venus Kalami on some simple things you can do to help your family establ…

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Learn all about your three years old’s sleep | naps and bedtime battles | Little Ones Sleep Article | Award Winning Sleep Program | Accredited Sleep Experts

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Increasing Cooperation with our children

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Increasing Cooperation with our children

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Dr. Dan Siegel's Hand Model of the Brain

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Winning Ways to Talk to Young Childen.doc

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Have you noticed there’s a theme catching fire around the world? It has to do with an itty bitty word that’s making big waves. The word I’m talking about is ‘yet’. This superhero word is so super-duper that even Sesame Street had to write a song about it!

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Growth Mindset, a term coined by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, is the idea that when people change their beliefs about their own efforts, they can better adapt to create successful outcomes. In other words, when you believe that you will succeed after practice and effort, your odds of doing so improve. It's a powerful theory that's gained popularity and been adopted by schools across the country. So, how do you introduce the concepts associated with growth mindset to your class? One of the best ways is to incorporate children's books about growth mindset. Here are 10 books to start a discussion and help your students change their perception about their abilities and efforts.

Growth Mindset Children's Books

1. The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires

Perseverance and creativity are key to creating marvelous things, but what happens whey things go awry?

2. Rosie Rever, Engineer by Andrea Beaty

Rosie learns a powerful lesson about success and failure in this adorable children's book with a strong female lead character.

3. Your Fantastic Elastic Brain: Stretch It, Shape It by JoAnn Deak, Ph.D.

Streeeeeetch your brain and learn new things with the tips in this children's favorite.

4. The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes by Mark Pett

What would it be like to never make a mistake? Beatrice Bottomwell is a perfectionist who must confront her very first mistake in this fun book.

5. What Do You Do With a Problem? by Kobi Yamada

Change your mindset about problems and you may find that nothing is as bad as it seems!

6. Thanks for the Feedback, I Think... by Julia Cook

Feedback, both positive and negative, can create growth opportunities. It's all about how you handle it!

7. Beautiful Oops! by Barney Saltzberg

Teaching children that it's okay to make mistakes is one of the most important lessons they can learn.

8. The Dot by Peter H. Reynolds

Creativity is on the rise in this adorable book that encourages children to embrace challenges that put them outside of their comfort zone.

9. The OK Book by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

This little book emphasizes to children that being OK at something is okay!

10. Making a Splash: A Growth Mindset Children's Book by Carol E. Reiley

Compare a growth mindset to a fixed mindset in this children's book that addresses different attitudes and ideas about learning.

BONUS TEACHER BOOK: The Growth Mindset Coach: A Teacher's Month-by-Month Handbook for Empowering Students to Achieve by Annie Brock
What are some of your favorite Growth Mindset books for kids? Share them with us in the comments below!

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10 Children's Books for Teaching Growth Mindset

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Growth Mindset, a term coined by Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist, is the idea that when people change their beliefs about their own efforts, they can better adapt to create successful outcomes. In other words, when you believe that you will succeed after practice and effort, your odds of doing so improve.

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This part is part of our monthly TED Talk Tuesday series, spotlighting can't-miss TED Talks and their key takeaways. You can learn more about our partnership with TED here.

Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford and the author of studies motivation theory: asking what drives people to succeed, why people succeed (or not) and how we can foster success in others and ourselves. Her work is influential in education and increasingly followed in the business world, too. In her TED Talk, Dweck discusses the power of the word "yet" and how simply believing that you can improve impacts your ability to succeed. While her talk focuses on children, the research and arguments she makes closely relate to the people development work of HR professionals.

Watch the video below and read on for three key takeaways from her talk.

"If you get the grade 'Not Yet,' you understand you're on a learning curve."

Dweck describes a school in Chicago where students receive a new kind of grade if they don't pass a test: instead of an "F," they'll receive a "Not Yet." The latter fosters a "growth mindset," or an understanding that abilities can be developed, rather than a "fixed mindset," where skills and knowledge are thought of as static. Dweck explains that by framing low grades or mistakes as an opportunity to improve, instead of a final result, we provide ourselves and others with the confidence to continue learning - "yet" provides a path to the future.

"Praise wisely."

Instead of praising talent and intelligence, Dweck argues that we should praise the process: effort, strategy, focus, perseverance and improvement. Process praise, she explains, leads to more persistence and, ultimately, better results.

She references a study in which she partnered with game scientists at the University of Washington to create a new online math game - while a typical game rewards players for correct answers, this game awarded players for their process. Dweck shares that the "process" players exhibited more effort, more strategies, more engagement and more perseverance when they hit hard problems.

"Let's not waste any more lives."

Dweck shares a story of a letter she received from a 13-year-old boy, in which he wrote that he followed her advice and saw great improvements in school, in friendships and in family relationships. He signs off the letter, "I now realize I've wasted most of my life."

While Dweck chuckles at his youthful sincerity, she also emphasizes that focusing on results over potential does in fact lead to wasted lives - people believing they are not good enough or smart enough, and therefore giving up. Dweck is quick to point out that a "fixed mindset" can, in fact, change - by focusing on "yet," we can not only foster confidence, but also truly help people become smarter and more engaged.

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This part is part of our monthly TED Talk Tuesday series, spotlighting can't-miss TED Talks and their key takeaways. You can learn more about our partnership with TED here. Carol Dweck, a professor at Stanford and the author of studies motivation theory: asking what drives people to succeed, why people succeed (or not) and how we can foster success in others and ourselves.

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My preschool grandchildren received many exciting toys and games over the holidays this year. My four-year-old grandson, Brandon, received a large container of small Legos and a kit of Lego people in a park setting. He was excited about this gift but immediately expressed concern about how to assemble the Lego pieces. He asked his grandfather to teach him how to build the various assemblies by himself. Grandpa structured the activities in the following way to build his grandson's confidence:

1. Brandon first assembled simple items; the people, a picnic table, a stroller with a baby, and a lawn mower.

2. Grandpa next had him create the merry-go-round with people. He asked Brandon to find specific Lego pieces that had to be assembled by color, shape, and size. He then guided his grandson in matching the pieces to the assembly instruction pictures.

3. With the more complicated park pieces, grandpa had to help Brandon assemble the pieces that required small muscle dexterity.

4. When assembling the kit of classic Lego blocks, grandpa first modeled how to construct a train and a car using the Lego instruction manual. After watching his grandfather assemble more complex projects, Brandon was guided in using the Lego instructions to assemble a crocodile and a flower with petals that open and close.

When discussing this learning experience with my grandson, he stated the following:

I know how to build with Lego when Grandpa helps me use the instructions.

I do not think I can read the instruction book by myself but I can build with Lego by myself when I use my own ideas.

My favorite Lego activities were building and playing with the lawn mower and the train.

I would like more Lego kits for vehicles and construction equipment.

I also like being interviewed for the blog and taking pictures of my new Lego toy projects.

These statements showed that Brandon was developing a growth mindset. When discussing the concept of growth mindset with preschool parents, I remind parents that they do not have to reward their children for every accomplishment or attempt. While encouraging growth, parents should not overwhelm their children with too many demands. Preschool children should be encouraged to be as self-reliant as possible and have confidence that they can take care of themselves. Here are some ideas to encourage preschool children to support their own growth:

Have the preschooler learn how to be self-reliant at meal time by setting the table for the family, feeding himself, and cleaning up after meals.

Teach the preschooler how to manage his personal hygiene by brushing his teeth, attending to his toilet needs, bathing and dressing himself.

Provide guidance in cleaning up after play time.

Provide encouragement to play by himself.

Help the child learn how to clean the house and work outside with parents on yard projects.

Nurture the child's learning by helping them assemble puzzles, play board games, construct with building toys, create art projects, read and learn letters, and develop number sense.

When parents nurture the growth of their preschoolers where the reward is the completion of an activity, the children can become capable learners who are passionate about life and expanding their abilities. Carol Dweck's growth mindset research and Mindsets and Moves by Gravity Goldberg provide extensive examples on how teachers and parents can prepare their children for new learning situations.

A presentation to parents might include these four A's of growth mindset:

1. Approach: How to scaffold learning situations that are relevant to the child's ability.

2. Apply: How to help the child apply prior learning successes to new obstacles and promote self-efficacy.

3. Assess: How to teach the child to reflect on the outcome of a learning experience to ensure further growth.

4. Achieve: How to prepare the child to achieve their next learning opportunity through growth mindset.

Parents can help their preschoolers achieve successes in daily life when they introduce growth mindset though loving and supportive guidance.

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author: Katie Kelly, Lester Laminack , and Vivian Vasquez

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author: Kierstan Barbee and Douglas Fisherr

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How to Encourage a Growth Mindset in Preschool - Corwin Connect

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Share on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on Linkedin My preschool grandchildren received many exciting toys and games over the holidays this year. My four-year-old grandson, Brandon, received a large container of small Legos and a kit of Lego people in a park setting. He was excited [...]

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It's exhausting going back and forth with your kids about everything from getting in the car seat to eating their veggies. This tip will help you explore your options and decrease the power struggles with your 3-year-old (and kids of any age!)
Setting the plate in front of him, you cringe.

You know what's going to happen. It happens every night.

You beg. He refuses. You plead. He pushes back.

Soon there's yelling. Crying. Demanding. Bribing. Threatening.

(From both of you.)

The longer it lasts, the more heated the power struggle.

Why won't he just do what you ask him to do?

Why does every night end in the "battle of the peas?"

Why you're still having power struggles with your 3-year-old.

I know you're tired of the battles. I know you hate fighting with your kids. I know you want to make a change, but nothing seems to work.

Maybe it's because you're focused on winning.

You want your kids to do things your way, to do what you say, when you say it, because...well, you're the parent.

Unfortunately, forcing our kids to do what we want rarely works. Instead, it creates a hostile situation that usually leads to less cooperation - the opposite of what you were trying to achieve!

So, how do we end this cycle?

Stop trying to win.

What?! Give in? Give them what they want? Let them do whatever they please?

No. Not exactly.

Power struggles are only struggles because two people engage in a fight. If one person steps out of the ring, the struggle is over.

You want your son to eat all of his peas. He doesn't want to. You try to force it. He pushes them away. You try again. He refuses even more.
Stop trying to win.
It's a mindset change.

When we are engaged in a power struggle, our brains are in fight or flight mode. Our body is ready for attack.

We're not thinking clearly and rationally. We're not calmly exploring our options or working to find a compromise.

And, we're definitely not focused on maintaining a strong relationship with our kids.

Nope.
We're trying to win!
So, instead of focusing on winning the "battle of the peas." Let's focus on getting our brains back to calm so we can handle the situation differently.

What to do next.

Calm Yourself: Before you can do anything else, you need to get your brain out of attack mode. Take a few deep breaths. Roll your shoulders. Stretch. Sit down. Do a yoga pose. Close your eyes. Find simple things to help you calm and focus.

Connect: A misbehaving child is often feeling disconnected from you. Focusing on repairing connection or building connection in these moments can help your child's brain move from attack-mode, to calm. Offer hugs, empathy, or get down to their level.

Work together: Once you're calm and you've connected, you can start to focus on creating other solutions to the problem. Again, it's not about "winning," it's about solving a problem in a way that works for both you and your child.
Related: A simple visualization that will help you stay calm and confident in stressful parenting situations.
When you decide not to win the power struggle, you have a lot more options:

So, you may decide not to fight the "battle of the peas" at this point.

It's making mealtime stressful and most nights you end up yelling (which you hate). Instead, you focus on providing a lot of exposure to different veggies, let them help in the kitchen, and provide a variety of foods at each meal.

At some point, you hope your child eats peas, but when you look at the big picture, you'd rather have a peaceful mealtime than a nightly power struggle with your 3-year-old.
Related: Turn Your Picky Eater Into A Healthy Eater
Not quite sure?

This is more than just getting your kids to eat veggies. It's anytime the two of you engage in a power struggle over anything.
When we stop trying to win, we can be objective about the situation.
I realize that this perspective may seem radically different to you. And that's ok. Some of you may think this seems too "soft" or too passive. Some of you may feel that this doesn't give kids enough accountability or doesn't " teach them a lesson."

Stepping out of a power struggle doesn't make us less of a parent. It doesn't mean we are giving in. (In fact, sometimes, your child will still have to do the things you ask, such as buckling into their car seat or wearing a bike helmet.) And, it doesn't mean our kids don't learn (the teaching comes later, not in the moment).

Instead, it provides a good role model for our kids. It shows them that taking time to calm our brain helps us make better decisions. It focuses on problem-solving and working together.

And, it demonstrates that we can disagree on a topic and still love each other.

Let's talk!

If this is new to you, I'd love to sit down and talk it through with you. We'll figure out why the power struggles are occurring and explore options to bring peace back to your relationship. Online parent coaching sessions are available worldwide. Check out my money back guarantee and schedule your session today!

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How to stop having power struggles with your 3-year-old

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It's exhausting going back and forth with your kids about everything from getting in the car seat to eating their veggies. This tip will help you explore your options and decrease the power struggles with your 3-year-old (and kids of any age!) Setting the plate in front of him, you cringe.

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Social Skills: Friendship at Age 3 | Milestones

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In this episode: A parent writes that her 3-year-old has been having difficulties in play school - hitting other kids, screaming, and not listening to the teacher. The behavior often continues at home, and this mom admits she "can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too." Her primary concern is that her boy won't be accepted in playschool, and she's looking for some advice how to address his behavior.

Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to an email from the parent of a three-year old boy and a four-month old girl. She says that her son is hitting other kids at playschool, screaming, and generally causing a ruckus. She's afraid that he's going to be kicked out of the playschool, and so she's looking for advice for dealing with her son's behavior.

Here's the message I received:

"Dear Janet, I am the mother of two wonderful kids, a boy who is three and a girl who is four months old. I would like to ask your advice regarding my son's behavior. He is hitting other kids in playschool, screaming, not listening to the teacher and disturbing the class. He's a strong little man, so the kids are crying when they're hit. Also, he hits me at home sometimes if he doesn't get what he wants or if I ask him to do something, as well as screaming as loud as he can when, for example, he has a fall and I'm trying to help. I can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too. I put him on timeout, but he never obeys. He only listens to his father when he puts him in timeout. I'm afraid my boy won't be accepted in the playschool anymore. I would really appreciate your advice."

Okay, so I thought this would be a good one to cover because it reflects a common misjudgment that we make as parents. I believe we even do this with ourselves. We have a feeling about something. We feel really uncomfortable and out of control over something, and we just want the feeling to go away. We just want to make it go away. So we might stuff it with substances or food, and avoid the feeling. Escape from it, just get it away.

This little boy sounds very, very unsettled. When children behave in this manner, when they are hurting other children or lashing out, it's a sign that they can't contain their feelings. They're communicating their distress. They're putting it out there, as children do.

So we aren't going to be successful at helping our child with this behavior if we're just looking at it as a problem in itself that we have to fix - the behavior. We're just trying to manage the behavior: just stop acting like this. Maybe if we punish him he'll stop. Timeout, yelling at him because, come on, just stop. Stop acting like this, stop feeling like that.

He can't, because young children actually are very healthy in the way that they vent. They don't usually hold on to the feelings at this young age. They are really good at processing them out, and that's healthy for them to do.

So whenever children are behaving in these challenging ways, we have to look at what's going on. Why is this happening? What is the cause for this behavior? We can't be successful just addressing the behavior itself and getting it to stop.

There can be a lot of reasons that children are dysregulated like this. A very, very common one, sounds like it's at least part of this situation if not the main part, is that there's a new baby. That is extremely uncomfortable for most children.

I believe it's in Siblings Without Rivalry where they use the classic example of what this feels like. Imagine that your spouse came home one day, or maybe they were even telling you in advance that this exciting thing was going to happen. They bring home a new young wife or husband, as the case may be, and they say, "Hey, I still love you just as much, if not more, but now we've got him or her here, too. I love them as well. Let's just all love each other and live together. Come on, isn't it great? She's cute, or he's cute."

We don't understand how unsettling this can be for children.

But this could happen to a family for other reasons as well, and that's why I thought it was a good example, because I've actually covered the situation in a lot of my podcasts and my posts and in my book, . I've covered the difficulties of this transition. But this result could be caused by other transitions as well, other forms of stress that a child is taking on. All we know for sure is that there's something going on when a child acts like, particularly acts like this outside the home.

The classic scenario is that a child rises to the occasion outside the home, at school, when they don't have the parents there. Then when they come home, they release stress through this kind of limit-pushing behavior. But in this case, these feelings are bleeding out into other situations. The way we can help with that is in our homework, in the way that we handle it at home.

So this mother says that she sometimes has the experience where her son hits her when he doesn't get what he wants, or when she asks him to do something, as well as screaming as loud as he can when, for example, "He has a fall and I'm trying to help." So those are examples of venting. Screaming is actually, for a child this age, it's actually a very healthy form of venting.

So I would try to shift your perspective to perceiving the screams as not a problem, not a fire that we have to put out, but actually the release, the healing that he's needing. Falling down or getting hurt is helping him to vent that. It doesn't mean that he's terribly hurt, it means that he's tapped into this feeling that he really needs to vent and he's blasting it out there.

So as hard as this can be for us as parents, and it's probably the most challenging thing to see our children's expressions of uncomfortable feelings as so, so positive, that's what's going to help him to feel safe. Sharing this, venting this with the people he really needs to vent it with - the mother that betrayed him by having another baby that she loves. That's who he needs to scream to.

It's different from screaming at, that it's your fault. It's screaming to.

He's sharing with you. He's taking off all the layers and showing you his heart right there, and there's distress. But the more he can express it, the better he'll feel and the calmer he'll be, particularly if we can get this message and be okay with it, be comfortable with it. See it as positive, see it as the cure not the problem.

So the screams are golden opportunities for us to welcome the feelings, which doesn't mean we let him run up and scream in our ear, we don't let him take it out on us, but we want him to vent that, we want him to scream.

Now the hitting is a lashing out of the feelings and, obviously, we're going to stop that with our hands as much as possible. But even then, if we could sometimes, not all the time, it's not going to be possible, we're human, but if we could see those feelings and accept the feeling of wanting to hit me, not judging him for having that feeling, which is the same as the scream, it's venting. It's just seeping out of him.

So if we can say, "Ah, I see, you really want to hit. I see that," while we're blocking it comfortably, easily. He's still a little guy. We can do this, we don't have to get up and put him in another room and send him away, or move away. We can hold his wrists, we can hold him firmly, and look at him and nod our heads. "Yeah, man. You really want to hit. You want to hurt me right now. You didn't like that I ..."

All we have to know is what just happened or why he's hitting, if we know. If we don't know, then we just notice he's hitting. "You want to hit!"

We don't have to come up with the reason behind it or name emotions right there, just acknowledging what we know and acknowledging it in a way that lets him know we see, we don't judge, we welcome him to share those feelings, but we're going to stop him from acting on them because we're the adult and we have that self-control that a young child doesn't always have.

So these opportunities at home are precious. That's where we have a chance to rise to the occasion - this is show time - to give our child this message that will help heal him and help him feel safe in all of these things that are inside him. He can't control those. He can't help the way he feels.

Feelings are involuntary. We all have feelings sometimes that don't even make sense to us as adults. Or I guess I can't say we all do, but I certainly do. It's just part of being human.

We can't control how he is at school. Hopefully the teachers are handling that the best way they can. Ideally, they're providing a sense of safety, that they're not alarmed by him, that they see him, that they're going to help. That they understand between them that here's somebody that's having a crisis. Right now, not forever. They're not branding him as a hitter or a bully, or any of those things. He's going through something. Teachers know this. Experienced teachers see this all the time. So hopefully they're handling it in a manner that helps him to feel safe.

But the person he really, really, really needs to accept him is his parent or parents.

People probably think I'm a bit crazy to say that these messy situations, these messy experiences and transitions our children have, are incredible opportunities to foster their self-worth, to build our relationship, to deepen trust. But these are opportunities. If only we could see every conflict and every issue that's going wrong as an opportunity for growth. Wouldn't we all be so much healthier?

I certainly can't say that I am able to do that most of the time. But children, they're so open, they're so innocent, they're so heart-on-their-sleeve. They so need us to be on their side and stay on their side, and accept them at their worst.

So I would stop doing the timeout. Stay calm. This parent says sometimes she yells too, and that's okay, forgive yourself. Work on what you're perceiving here. Work on what you're seeing when he's being this "bad kid" at home, hitting you. Yeah, it does look bad. We don't have to be Pollyanna-ish about it and say, "This is okay." It's not. It's definitely not okay. But why is he doing it? Because he doesn't feel okay inside, he hurts.

If we could shift our perception of this as offensive, awful behavior and signs that we're terrible parents and we have a terrible child, and all of those things. If we can shift that to, "Whoa, he's flailing. He needs me right now."

Yeah, it is ugly behavior but that's the kind of behavior we have when we're hurting, all of us. If we can see it that way at least 55% of the time, we can help our child heal these feelings and heal this behavior.

I really hope that helps.

Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They're all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you're interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.

Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I've had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.

Thank you for listening. We can do this.

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Recognizing the Cause of Disruptive, Aggressive Behavior - Janet Lansbury

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In this episode: A parent writes that her 3-year-old has been having difficulties in play school - hitting other kids, screaming, and not listening to the teacher. The behavior often continues at home, and this mom admits she "can't manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too."

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How to Help Your Aggressive Toddler or Preschooler

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You aggressive toddler or preschooler is actually crying out for help! Use these 3 tips to encourage them to use words instead of actions.

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Parents and caregivers are inundated with often-conflicting recommendations on screen time and technology usage by children. To cut through the clutter, the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) and the Screen Time Action Network at Fairplay (Action Network) have developed Be Tech Wise With Toddler!

This family-friendly handout is well suited for sharing in pediatrician, family practice, and other medical offices and outpatient therapy clinics; libraries, day care centers and preschools; and all other settings where information is provided to parents and caregivers of young children. The PDF can also be printed and/or distributed electronically through early intervention programs, parent support groups, and other networks.

Be Tech Wise With Toddler! focuses on children ages 1 to 3 years who are in a unique developmental period during which they build the foundational language, learning, literacy, and social-emotional skills they'll need for life. This is also a time when many children begin to use tablets, smartphones, and other screens-which can interrupt their healthy development.

Available in English and Spanish, the handout covers

daily activities that help parents and caregivers boost their child's brain, communication, and social-emotional development;

official screen time recommendations from the American Academy of Pediatrics;

the benefits of screen-free time-and how excessive screen use can disrupt a toddler's development; and

tips and advice for creating a healthy technology environment in the home.

ASHA and the Screen Time Action Network grant free blanket permission for the handout to be reprinted in any quantity without modification-for educational purposes. Download the handouts:

English Version [PDF]

Spanish Version [PDF]
Note: Screens and technology in this resource refer to popular technology devices such as smartphones, not augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) devices that are used to enable communication. AAC devices should be used at all times, in an interactive way. Be Tech Wise With Toddler! was developed by the following child development experts:
Mark Bertin, MD
Alice Hanscam, CPC
LeAnna Heinrich, MS, CCC-SLP
Dipesh Navsaria, MPH, MSLIS, MD
Diane Paul, PhD, CCC-SLP

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Be Tech Wise With Toddler! - Identify The Signs

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Parents and caregivers are inundated with often-conflicting recommendations on screen time and technology usage by children. To cut through the clutter, the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ASHA) and the Screen Time Action Network at Fairplay (Action Network) have developed Be Tech Wise With Toddler!

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Risky play for children: Why we should let kids go outside and then get out of the way

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It turns out play with an element of risk may be exactly what today’s kids are missing

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The habits we form from childhood make no small difference, but rather they make all the difference. -Aristotle

We spend much of our lives doing our best to keep our children safe. We bundle them up when it's cold. We feed them healthy foods. We put plug covers in the electrical outlets. We put child safety locks on all the cabinets. We buckle them safely into their car seats.

So, why in the world would we ever allow our precious little ones to take any sort of risk that could get them injured? That seems crazy, right? Maybe not. When children are allowed to participate in risky play, it challenges their bodies in new ways. It develops strong muscles and organizes the senses, which increases their cognitive development. For instance, going upside down moves the fluid in the inner ears and helps improve spatial awareness. Spinning in circles improves balance and attention. And climbing to high heights advances children's motor skills and promotes a sense of self-confidence and accomplishment. I will never forget the time when my oldest son, Neko, conquered a 30-foot tree and proclaimed, "I am the king of all of the earth!" He walked taller that day.

Over time, our definition of risk-taking changes. As a teenager, standing up to a bully or going against peer pressure would be considered a risk. And as adults, climbing a tree is no longer exhilarating, but perhaps changing jobs and getting married is a big risk. Allowing our children to take these chances today - in a safe, supportive environment - allows them to practice these skills for more important life decisions as they get older.

Hazards vs. Risks

In my "other life," outside of Hike it Baby, I am an Administrative Director at a preschool where we encourage risky play. We get tons of questions and concerns from parents about risky play. We always start out with addressing the difference between "Hazard" and "Risk." Risks are situations with the possibility of being dangerous, while hazards are situations that are inherently dangerous.

So what exactly is risky play?

Risky play is defined as play that provides opportunities for challenges, testing limits, exploring boundaries, encountering uncertainty and learning about injury risk. Walking, running, climbing and riding a bike require negotiation with injury risks. If a child isn't willing to get hurt, they can't acquire these skills as readily, if at all!

Ellen Sandseter, a professor at Queen Maud University in Trondheim, Norway, has identified six categories of risky play.

1. High heights: Children climb trees and other structures and gain a birds-eye view of the world and the thrilling feeling of "I did it!"

2. Rapid speeds: Children swing on vines, ropes or playground swings; slide on sleds, skis, skates or playground slides; and ride bikes, skateboards and other devices fast enough to produce the thrill of almost, but not quite, losing control.

3. Dangerous tools: Depending on the culture, children play with knives, bows and arrows, farm machinery or other tools. There is, of course, great satisfaction in being trusted to handle such tools, but there is also thrill in controlling them.

4. Dangerous elements: Children love to play with fire or in and around deep bodies of water - either of which poses some danger. Even playing with sticks could be considered a dangerous element.

5. Rough and tumble: Children everywhere chase one another around and fight playfully. Kids nearly always prefer being in the most vulnerable position: the one being chased or the one underneath in wrestling, which involves the most risk of being hurt and requires the most skill to overcome.

6. Disappearing/getting lost: Who doesn't love a game of hide-and-seek? Children experience the thrill of temporary separation from their companions. Older kiddos venture off on their own away from adults into territories that, to them, are filled with imagined dangers.

Do's and Don'ts of Risky Play

Don't help your child. OK, OK, I know that sounds heartless, but hear me out. If you help your child up the tree, they aren't doing it themselves. There is no sense of accomplishment for them and it can potentially be dangerous. If they can't climb the tree, then that means they shouldn't be up there!

Don't force your child to participate in risky play. Each child knows their limits and you should respect them.

Don't say "Be careful." My go-to phrase is, "Are you feeling safe? What is your plan?" If they can tell me what their plan is, I know that they are thinking critically about their decisions. They are more "present" in their play, which will prevent injury. Amanda, from Hike it Baby Park City, UT, reminds her child to "trust your body." Teaching a child to listen to his body is an invaluable skill as he gets older!

Don't panic. It can be scary to watch your child participate in dangerous activities. Your heart races and you feel nervous. You start to think of all the horrible things that are going to happen and how much the hospital bill will be. Children will feed off of that energy. If you are scared, they will then believe that what they are doing is scary and, as a result, panic, as well.

Don't come to your child's rescue if they are "stuck." I'm such a mean mom, right? If your child is stuck, your first reaction will likely be to swoop in and rescue them. Instead, talk them through it. Did they climb up a play structure and they can't get down? Talk them through it: "It looks like you're scared. Let me help you. Put your foot there. OK, now put your hand there. You can do it."

Don't let the "haters" discourage you. It can be frustrating when a stranger on the playground helps your child off the play structure, or when they tell you that your 2-year-old is climbing up a ladder (yeah, I know, lady, I'm sitting here watching him), but take it as an opportunity to educate people on risky play. Tell them that you trust your child's decisions and that they know their limits better than anyone else.

Do be present. Talk them through their play if there is an exceptional risk. Make them aware of what they are doing. "You are up there so high! You are so brave. I see you stepping so carefully."

Do expose your child to risky play opportunities frequently. Even if they don't take to risky play right away, it's important to expose them to the opportunity. You never know when they will finally be ready to tackle those monkey bars!

Do allow children to play with sticks. Sticks are my 10-month-old's favorite toy. (Don't worry, they don't have sharp ends, so they are not a hazard.) Sticks can be anything. It can be a wand, it can be a log, it can be a chew toy, it can be a writing utensil, it can be a tool. Sticks open up a child's imagination!

Do allow your child to go up the slide. This may be an unpopular statement, but I assure you, it's actually good for kids - taking turns, communication ("Is anyone at the top? I want to climb up!), and using a new set of muscles. (But do make sure they aren't preventing other kids from sliding down.) Don't take fun and adventure away at the playground!

Do allow your child to explore on their own. Be close enough to talk to them, but don't follow too closely. This will create more independence and self-confidence in their ability to participate in risky play opportunities.

Do allow them to fail. Failing is how children learn! It's OK if they get "stuck" in the tree. It's OK if they fall of the log while they are balancing. And, above all else, don't panic if they do!

Do trust your child. They know their limits. If they weren't ready for something, they wouldn't do it.

I realize that risky play may not be for every family. However, in my decade of working in early childhood education, I have seen many more benefits than disadvantages of risky play. I've seen shy children come out of their shell when they finally tackled something they were too scared to do. I've seen childhood friendships develop by just building a fort. And I've seen my own son's self-confidence soar over the years as he tackled more challenging activities. We've always allowed him to be his authentic Wild Child Self, and you know what? We've never been to the emergency room (*knock on wood*!).
What are your tips for encouraging other families who may be feeling unsure about risky play? Please share with us in the comments below.
Read more:
Photos by Stephanie Jacobson, Amy Diebold, Anastasia Novosyolova and Krystal Weir.

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The Do's and Don'ts of Risky Play - Hike it Baby

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The habits we form from childhood make no small difference, but rather they make all the difference. -Aristotle We spend much of our lives doing our best to keep our children safe. We bundle them up when it's cold. We feed them healthy foods. We put plug covers in the electrical outlets.

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Lacking the usual scheduled activities and adult supervision, children are finding the space to play freely.

Tessa Feuerstein, 11, and her brother, Eli Feuerstein, 9, riding on the bike ramp they made from logs and boards in Ellicottville, N.Y. This summer, some children have been engaging in riskier outdoor play. Credit... Libby March for The New York Times

As the coronavirus pandemic lingers like a hangover, many parents are still struggling to work from home and take care of their children at the same time. And for some kids, that brings a special kind of freedom: the ability to play like nobody's watching.

Much of the time, nobody is.

So they're doing things that would make most parents cringe: Children are racing on stilts in a cul-de-sac in Omaha, Neb.; a 6-year-old is climbing trees and scooping up caterpillars in the woods in Franklin, Tenn.; and siblings are building their own playground in a dirt parking lot in upstate New York.

In the Chan household, where Emily Chan is working from home full time, the kids - ages 5, 8 and 10 - bake cupcakes unsupervised. They leap from the furniture in the living room and hang from a trapeze bar, part of an "indoor playground" that was pressure-mounted in a doorway.

Outside, the family ride their bikes together in the street.

It's all OK "as long as you're not burning down the apartment or trying to kill the dog," she said.

But along with greater independence comes more potential for injuries. Doctors have reported a rise in broken bones and lacerations among children who are getting hurt while playing with outdoor toys and sports equipment at home during the pandemic. Chan's 5-year-old, for example, dropped a glass and cut her hand while helping her siblings cook.

In Franklin, Tenn., Stella Rose, 6, fell while speeding down a hill on her scooter.

"I could hear 'Maaamaaaaa!' faintly in the distance. And my blood went cold and I ran out of the house," said her mother, Jackie Gutierrez-Jones, a writer and self-described former "helicopter-style" mom who used to have eyes on her daughter constantly. "She was splayed out in the road, all bloody."

On a different day, Stella Rose fell out of a tree. (After both of those falls she was scraped up but otherwise fine, her mother said.)

Brooke Phillips, a high school theater teacher who lives in Omaha, said her 4-year-old daughter now wanders the neighborhood by herself, visiting other people's backyards.

"Before, I would have absolutely freaked out," she said. But now that there are multiple kids and parents stuck at home, she said, she isn't as worried. "It's different, but awesome."

Her 8-year-old daughter started doing daring tricks on her bike. "She has come in battered and bruised every other day from trying something like that," Phillips said. "It's a super good thing for her that she's been able to learn that it's OK to get hurt and to keep going."

And the children, none of whom have ended up in the emergency room, seem to have a greater appreciation of being outside, their parents said.

"The woods are like an enriched classroom - a Gymboree on steroids," said Lenore Skenazy, a longtime proponent of risky play and the president of Let Grow, a nonprofit promoting childhood independence and resilience. In May, Let Grow surveyed 800 U.S. parents and 800 children, ages 8 to 13, to find out what the kids were doing during the pandemic. More than two-thirds of the children said their parents were letting them try more things on their own, and a similar percentage said they were finding new things to pass the time.

"Kids are doing a lot of things they hadn't done before and the parents are gaining a better understanding of their kids' potential," she said. "In some sense, the whole purpose of childhood is to become increasingly independent."

In Norway, despite the fact that parents aren't usually as focused on safety as they are in the United States, there has been a steep decline in the amount of outdoor unsupervised play over the last couple of decades, said Dr. Beate. But during the pandemic "we suddenly see a lot of children outside roaming around playing in the parks."

Peter Gray, an evolutionary psychologist and researcher at Boston College who has studied how children educate themselves through play and exploration, argues that opportunities for children to play outside with other children have decreased over the last 60 years, leading to rising rates of anxiety and depression among children and adolescents.

According to Gray, the decline started at the end of the 1950s, deepened in the 1980s, when missing children began appearing on milk cartons and public service announcements asked if parents knew where their child was.

Well-publicized abductions, like those of Adam Walsh, Etan Patz, Jacob Wetterling and Elizabeth Smart, only solidified fears of "stranger danger." That and the rise of adult-directed, after-school activities have led most parents to believe that adult supervision is better for their children than going out and playing, Dr. Gray said.

"I sometimes say that we've turned childhood into a period of résumé building," he added.

A 2004 study compared American mothers' active, outdoor play experiences during their childhood with that of their own children ages 3 to 12. The researcher found a decrease in the time spent outdoors and in unstructured play, as well as an increase in adult-structured activities.

When parents restrict unsupervised outdoor play, it's often done with the best of intentions. Of the 830 respondents in the 2004 survey, 82 percent cited safety concerns, such as abduction and traffic.

But Dr. Beate said her research suggests that risky play has an important function: It helps children explore and conquer fears, develop confidence and reduce anxiety.

Healthy children who aren't struggling with developmental challenges are usually "quite aware of the risks they are taking," Dr. Beate said. "The worst thing parents can do is to yell at them, 'Come down, you're not allowed to be up there! Be careful!' Because then you're actually disturbing them in their concentration of what they're doing."

Most children will stop when the fear becomes overwhelming, she added. And at that point they might ask for help.

While a certain degree of freedom is important, parents should still try to remain vigilant of potential hidden hazards, Dr. Beate said, like a rotting log that could cave in, or a broken piece of playground equipment. In those cases, parents should of course intervene before their children accidentally hurt themselves.

The benefits of riskier play have inspired cities to create "adventure" playgrounds, like the 50,000-square-foot park on Governors Island in New York. It has no slides or swings but plenty of dismembered store mannequins, tires and mattresses, and adults are not allowed. Educators in Britain have also sought to make playgrounds a lot more risky by adding hammers, saws and mud pits. Similar types of playgrounds have popped up in Australia, Canada, Taiwan and India.

Not all parents are convinced of the need for more unsupervised, adventurous play - but the pandemic and the resulting quarantine has persuaded some of them.

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Risky Play Encourages Resilience (Published 2020)

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Lacking the usual scheduled activities and adult supervision, children are finding the space to play freely. As the coronavirus pandemic lingers like a hangover, many parents are still struggling to work from home and take care of their children at the same time.

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T3GsMUTrvF6h_ywOG31t4ACfv3-6TLgL/edit?usp=sharing&ouid=112505286633761705036&rtpof=true&sd=true

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Parents also need help identifying feelings!

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Parents also need help identifying feelings!

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Vegetable Serving Sizes for Toddlers - Feeding Littles

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Did you know that a vegetable serving size for two-year-olds is just 2 tablespoons? Yes, only 2 tablespoons! (They can always have more of course!) Parents always worry about vegetable consumption. Toddlers and kids don't always tend to gravitate to veggies, but there are so many things we can do to help them learn about them in a safe, low-pressure way.

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It's winter 2022, and it seems like everyone is sick right now. COVID-19 is still circulating like crazy, but kids are also getting hit with RSV, strep throat, stomach bugs, the flu and other seasonal viruses. As disruptive as illness can be for work, school, and your family's plans, it can also impact how you and your child eat. How can we feed kids who are sick? We asked pediatrician Dr. Alok Patel, MD to help us compile some tips on how to feed our kids during respiratory illness or GI bugs, plus how to help awaken their taste buds and the role of vitamin C in illness. Read on for more.
Note: This information does not replace medical advice. Work with your provider if you're worried about how your child eats or drinks when ill. Additionally, these tips are meant to address acute illness, not chronic illness.

Respiratory Illness

When your child has a cold or respiratory illness, it may affect their appetite and drive to eat. Between coughing, fatigue, a runny rose and sore throat, they might not want to eat or drink like they usually do. They might be tired or uncomfortable, or maybe they're unable to smell or taste food appropriately. Strep throat and Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, while not respiratory illnesses, can have similar affects.

Physicians worry most about dehydration during illness - more on that below. While a child might not eat as much as usual, as long as they're drinking a lot of fluid they should be OK in the short-term.

Babies: For babies under 12 months, getting enough milk to stay hydrated is most important during illness. Babies will likely prefer sticking to breastmilk or formula, and that's OK. If your baby has really bad congestion, the use of a bulb suction or Nose Frida to clear up the congestion might make eating and drinking easier. Focus on regular breastfeeds or bottle feeds and watch for wet diapers (5-6 per day). If your baby is eating solids (6+ months), offer solid meals like usual but don't be surprised if your baby isn't interested. Stay consistent and continue to include your baby in family meals, as long as they're not upset when they sit in their high chair.

Toddlers and Kids: For kids 12+ months, try to keep offering the same foods you always offer. Focus on lots of veggies, fruits, protein foods, whole grains and fats. Nutrition is important during illness, but their appetite and food preferences almost definitely change. You may find your child gravitating toward certain foods or surviving on familiar beige foods like crackers and bagels - this is OK. You might want to just feed them whatever sounds good for awhile until they feel better. As best you can, try to offer some variety in the food groups you serve, too. They might surprise you when they are suddenly interested in something again.

Sometimes it helps to integrate warm foods into their diet, like soup, broth, or oatmeal. These foods can help if they're congested, feverish or have a sore throat. You can also help soothe a sore throat with cold and smooth foods like smoothies, cold fruit, yogurt and popsicles. Honey can also work as a good cough remedy for kiddos over 12 months.

Just like for babies, hydration is most important for your toddler or big kid - more below.

Stomach Bugs and GI Issues

Stomach bugs or acute gastroenteritis will almost certainly affect the amount and types of food your kiddo eats.

Babies: Just like with respiratory illnesses, hydration is most important when babies are sick with GI bugs. Dehydration is especially dangerous with stomach bugs because babies can quickly lose fluids from vomiting and diarrhea. Continue to offer regular breastfeeds and bottle feeds and watch for 5-6+ wet diapers per day. If your baby is continually vomiting or has profuse diarrhea and you're worried about their hydration status, speak with your provider right away. Make sure your baby can tolerate breast milk or formula before offering bland foods like banana or crackers, then offer a regular diet if bland foods are tolerated.

Toddlers/Kids: Some simple guidelines to remember when our kids are vomiting or have diarrhea:

1) Start with small amounts of liquids.
2) If those are tolerated, move onto a bland foods like toast, soup/broth, crackers, oatmeal, eggs or applesauce.
3) Once bland foods are tolerated, move onto a regular, varied diet - just avoid super heavy foods like fried or greasy options as they get better. The BRAT (banana, rice, applesauce, toast) diet is not recommended long term, although your child might prefer those foods as they're recovering from a tummy bug.
4) Juice is generally not recommended during stomach bugs because it contains a lot of fructose and sorbitol, which can actually worsen diarrhea. If juice is all your kiddo will drink, make sure to dilute it.

Sometimes water isn't sufficient to rehydrate kids when they're losing fluid quickly from profuse vomiting or diarrhea. Oral Rehydration Therapy, or ORT, means to drink solutions that are made with an appropriate amount of salt, sugar and fluid to help your child's body absorb lost electrolytes appropriately. Many people are familiar with Pedialyte or sports drinks, and those can work for oral rehydration. We especially like the brand Kinderlyte (#neversponsored) since it doesn't contain artificial sweeteners or dyes but has the recommended ratio of electrolytes, potassium and zinc to dextrose (sugar).

By the way, sugar is essential in ORT drinks - it helps more quickly shuttle electrolytes through the bloodstream to rehydrate kids faster. Coconut water may be a good substitute if your kid likes the flavor, but keep in mind that it's much lower in potassium than ORT and may not rehydrate as effectively. Some families make their own ORT at home using salt, sugar and water - talk to your doctor before exploring this route!

A Word on Dehydration

During periods of illness, the number one concern is dehydration. Focus on fluids above all else. Babies under 12 months should still be consuming at least 20-24 ounces of breast milk or formula, and we want toddlers and older kids to drink lots of water to stay hydrated and get better. Remember that high fluid volume foods like fruit and soup count, too! Estimated fluid needs per the American Academy of Pediatrics are as follows:

1-3 years: 4 cups (32 ounces or ~1 L)

4-8 years: 5 cups (40 ounces or ~1.2 L)

9-13 years: 7-8 cups (56-64 ounces or ~1.7-1.9 L)

Instead of worrying about ounces, watch your child. Make sure they're urinating regularly and don't show signs of dehydration, including dry lips or mouth, fewer wet diapers or trips to the bathroom, loss of energy, less interest in playing, or a change in their skin color/tone.

To help your child drink more water, check out this post.

Appetite after Illness

Ever notice that it takes a while for your kiddo's appetite to return after they have been sick? After an illness, your child's taste buds may be dampened. Viruses can inhibit taste and smell function, and sometimes congestion prevents kids from smelling (and thus tasting) appropriately. You may experience this as an adult, too. Adding highly flavorful food to their regular meals can help "wake up" their tastebuds and get them back to eating like normal again!

One strategy Judy loves to use with her clients is to offer a highly flavorful, crunchy, sour or salty food once or twice a day to help "wake up" their taste buds. She has found that kids who have been sick seek sometimes seek out these flavors so they can taste again. Try foods like:

Freeze-dried fruit (mango, strawberries, raspberries)

Pickles

Cucumber or tomato paired with a strongly flavored dip like hummus or guacamole

Olives (remember to remove pits and quarter lengthwise for kiddos under 4 years old)

Whole wheat baguette dipped in balsamic vinegar and olive oil

Ground meat seasoned with cumin and garlic

Cooking with flavorful spices like cinnamon, ginger and paprika

You can also try lemon, lime or spicy food (if your kiddo usually enjoys and tolerates it).

Don't be surprised if your child's appetite takes a while to return to normal when they have been sick. If they seem to be losing weight or not improving over time, work with your provider.

Vitamin C

Vitamin C is a critical nutrient in immune system function. Oranges are not the only way to get your daily dose of C! Many fruits and veggies - yes, even potatoes - can fulfill a great percentage of your child's daily needs. Below are some kid-favorite foods that are high in vitamin C:

Strawberry - 21 mg

Mango - 15 mg

Kiwi - 42 mg

Papaya - 22 mg

Tomato - 6 mg

Potato (cooked) - 3 mg

Broccoli - 25 mg

Cantaloupe - 15 mg

Red bell pepper - 48 mg

Breast milk and formula are great sources of vitamin C, too! In fact, babies' vitamin C needs are met by their milk alone.

According to the NIH, here are vitamin C needs based on age:

1-3 year-olds: 15 mg

4-8 year-olds: 25 mg

9-13 year-olds: 45 mg

Does vitamin C help with illness? We know that some people swear by heavy dosing of vitamin C supplements when they feel run down. While some studies have suggested that vitamin C may shorten the duration of illness, other research does not support this theory. Plus, giving your kiddo high vitamin C doses can cause diarrhea and stomach upset. The upper limit for vitamin C and kids is 400 mg for kids 3 and younger and 650 mg for kids 4-8. In general, unless your child has an extremely limited diet or malabsorption issues, they likely don't need a vitamin C supplement. Vitamin C deficiency (scurvy) in industrialized countries is very rare. Talk to your provider if you're concerned.

Interestingly, vitamin C also helps our bodies absorb iron, so pairing a high vitamin C food with high iron foods like meats, poultry, fish, lentils, beans and nut butters can help your child's body absorb iron, a critical nutrient in childhood.

The bottom line? Make sure you're offering vitamin C foods regularly to your child to help support the immune system and other physiologic functions, but loading them up on more vitamin C than their body needs won't necessarily help prevent illness.

How can I get my kids to take medicine when they refuse it?

There's nothing worse than a sick kid who would feel much better if they just took their dang medicine. If your kiddo refuses prescribed meds, here is an amazing blog post from physician Steve Silvestro, MD on various ways to make taking meds a little easier on everyone.

We also asked our Feeding Littles Clients Only Facebook Group for tips on giving medications to kids who refuse them. Of course, work with your provider when it comes to meds - these are simply ideas that might help if all else fails. Judy also recommends separating medicine from mealtime. Offer the medicine in a different room, bathroom or anyplace that's not associated with mealtime.

"We mix with chocolate pudding. And we've tried allllllll the other options. It was the only thing that worked."

"Add it to a smoothie or yogurt." (Note: talk to your doctor to make sure this is OK, as some medications are not meant to be mixed with dairy foods.)

"Ask for it in a chewable version of the medication."

"If your child doesn't like the flavor, see if the pharmacy can make it in another flavor."

"We would challenge our son to a race... 'Think you can swallow this before I count to 5?' Then have a 'chaser' ready. He would always finish it before we counted all the way, then we would marvel at his speed."

"Put it into a fancy glass like a shot glass or mini tea cup."

"Chase it with a fruit popsicle, chocolate syrup or root beer."

"My 4 yr old had to take antibiotics about a month ago and she HATED it. Our pediatrician suggested a "chocolate syrup chaser". I put a tiny squirt of it into the spoon and let her lick it (to get that chocolatey taste in her mouth before the medicine). Then I gave her the meds in the same spoon, then added another tiny squirt of the syrup to "chase" away the medicine taste afterwards. This was literally the ONLY thing that work with her."

"Mix it into a milkshake, but don't freeze it - that might change the medication."

"Top the medicine cup with whipped cream or spray it into their mouth as a chaser."

"I split the dosage. I put a little at a time in OJ and we made a drinking game (who can chug the fastest). In five minutes he took the whole dosage amount."

Once your child is four, they can try swallowing a pill instead of requiring a liquid or chewable. Read more about teaching your child how to swallow a pill here.

Bringing Food to Loved Ones During Illness

Finally, we wanted to share a resource for people who want to support families during illness or medical need. One of the best ways we can support and love on another family is by feeding them, especially during a stressful time. Check out this post for more inspiration.
We want to thank Dr. Alok Patel, board certified pediatrician at UCSF in San Francisco and Columbia in NYC, for his input and for sharing what pediatricians worry most about with feeding when it comes to illness.

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How to Feed Your Child When They're Sick - Feeding Littles

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Free lunch ideas for busy families! Our Lunch Toolkit helps you build a delicious, satisfying lunch for your kid (and yourself)!

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Quick Reference- Siblings without Rivalry

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Quick Reference- Siblings without Rivalry

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More resources to understand why children bite

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More resources to understand why children bite

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We all need to extend ourselves a bit more compassion which is why this conversation is particularly important. Joining me is *the* thought leader in the self-compassion space, Dr. Kristin Neff.

Dr. Neff is currently an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. She is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research, conducting the first empirical studies on self-compassion nearly twenty years ago. She has been recognized as one of the most influential researchers in psychology worldwide.
We go into:

[3:00] How Dr. Neff's story intertwines with her work in self compassion

[6:45] Secondary traumatic stress and secondary self-compassion

[8:20] How to find self compassion in hard situations

[9:15] Dr. Neff's definition of self compassion

[12:30] Why gratitude isn't always enough

[16:30] The two types of self compassion

[20:30] Dr. Neff's self compassion meditation

[27:00] How to believe in yourself and that you aren't a bad person

[29:45] What advice Dr. Neff would give to her younger parent self

Resources mentioned in this episode Connect with Dr. Kristin Neff Connect with Sarah Rosensweet

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063: Self-Compassion is the Key to Being Your Best Parent Self with Dr. Kristin Neff

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What are the three components of self compassion?&nbsp; &nbsp; We all need to extend ourselves a bit more compassion which is why this conversation is particularly important. Joining me is *the* thought leader in the self-compassion space, Dr. Kristin Neff. &nbsp; Dr. Neff is currently an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.

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Trying your best to understand the underlying cause of a toddler's biting will help you develop an effective response. Children bite in order to cope with a challenge or fulfill a need.

Toddler biting is a very common behavior, which means there are a lot of concerned parents out there. You are not alone. The good news is that there is a lot that parents and caregivers can do to reduce and, ultimately, eliminate biting.

To set the stage for effectively addressing this challenge, avoid calling or thinking of your child as a "biter" and ask others not to use this term. Labeling children can actually lead to them taking on the identity assigned to them, which can intensify biting behavior rather than eliminate it.

Shaming and harsh punishment do not reduce biting.

Children bite in order to cope with a challenge or fulfill a need. For example, your child may be biting to express a strong feeling (like frustration), communicate a need for personal space (maybe another child is standing too close) or to satisfy a need for oral stimulation. Trying your best to understand the underlying cause of the biting will help you develop an effective response. This makes it more likely that you will be successful in eliminating the behavior.

Why do toddlers bite?

There are many reasons why toddlers might bite. Some are listed below. If you think one of these reasons might by why your child is biting, read specific strategies on how to respond later in the article. Toddlers might bite if they:

Lack language skills necessary for expressing important needs or strong feelings like anger, frustration, joy, etc. Biting is a substitute for the messages he can't yet express in words like: I am so mad at you, You are standing too close to me, I am really excited, or I want to play with you.

Are overwhelmed by the sounds, light or activity level in this setting

Are experimenting to see what will happen

Need more active playtime

Are over-tired

Are teething

Have an need for oral stimulation

What Can I Do to Prevent Biting?

Questions to Consider

As you watch your child at play, you can begin to anticipate when a bite might occur. The following questions can guide you in identifying the kinds of situations often lead to biting:

1. What happened right before the bite?

2. Who was your child playing with?

3. Who was bit? Is it always the same child, or different children each time?

4. What was your child doing?

5. Where was your child?

6. Who was caring for your child?

Strategies to Prevent Toddler Biting

If you see signs that your child might be on the verge of biting, you can:

1. Distract your child with a toy or book. Suggest looking out the window or take a walk to another room or outside. The goal is to reduce the tension and shift your child's attention.

2. Suggest how your child might handle the situation that is triggering the need to bite. For example: Marcus, you can tell Ana: "You are a little too close to me. I don't like it when you touch my hair." If you think your child might be biting due to a need for oral stimulation, offer your child something he can safely bite and chew-a cracker, some carrot sticks, or a teether.

3. Suggest ways to share. Take out a kitchen timer to give children a visual reminder of how long they can each play with a particular toy. In a group caregiving setting, you will want to make sure that the classroom has more than one of the most popular toys. Sharing is one of the most common triggers for biting.

4. Reading books about biting can also help. As you read, ask your child how the different characters might be feeling. If you have an older toddler, you can ask him to "read" the book to you, by telling you what is happening based on the pictures. Some titles to recommend include:

What Do I Do When My Toddler Bites?

First, keep your own feelings in check. When a toddler bites, you might feel frustrated, infuriated, annoyed, embarrassed, and/or worried. All of these feelings are normal, but responding when you are in an intense emotional state is usually not a good idea. So calm yourself before you respond-count to 10, take a deep breath, or do whatever works for you.

In a firm, matter-of-fact voice (but not angry or yelling), say: No biting. Biting hurts. Comment on how the other child is feeling: Look, Madison is crying. She is crying because you bit her. Biting hurts. Keep it short, simple and clear.

Next, shift your attention to the child who was bitten. Often when a child bites, adults pay a lot of attention to him or her. This is usually negative attention, but it is still very reinforcing and can actually cause the biting behavior to continue, rather than stop. When parents shift their focus and energy to the child who was bitten, they clearly communicate that biting does not result in more attention. Showing concern and sympathy for the child who was bitten also teaches empathy.

Remember, learning a new behavior takes time.

If your child is verbal and able to talk about his experiences, go back and talk with him about the different strategies he can use next time, instead of biting: If Tyler grabs your cuddly and won't let it go, you can say: "Tyler, that is my cuddly. Give it to me." If he won't give it back, you can come get me and I will help you. Or: When you want to play, you can say: "Will you play with me?" Then your friend knows you are ready to play.

Help the children move on. Ask: What would you like to play now? It might help to offer activities, like play-dough, drawing, or playing in sand or water, that allow them to release energy in constructive ways and can help them relax. The toddler who bit and the child who was hurt should not be made to play with one another, unless they want to.

Remember, learning a new behavior takes time. Your toddler may bite again, so continue watching playtime closely. It also helps to use the same words ( No biting. Biting hurts.) as consistently as possible to emphasize the message.

Strategies to Respond Based on Your Child's Development

1. Support Communication and Language Skills

If you think biting is a substitute for not having the language skills to express himself you can:

Put into words what you guess your child might be thinking: Tanya, do you want to have a turn on the tricycle? You can ask Henry, "Can I have a turn now?"

Help your child express his feelings in appropriate ways. If your child is really angry, you can say: Max, you are so mad! You are really, really angry. Then suggest a way to deal with these feelings: Making angry lion faces and growling, ripping up newspapers, punching the couch cushions, banging a drum, jumping up and down-whatever is acceptable to you.

Reinforce your child when he uses words to share his feelings: You asked me for a turn blowing bubbles instead of grabbing them. Great job. Here you go.

Give your child age-appropriate choices, for example, about what to wear or who to play with. Having choices gives children a sense of control and can reduce biting.

Consider a speech-language assessment if you think your child's verbal skills might be delayed.

2. Help Your Child Cope With Feeling Overwhelmed

If your child is easily overwhelmed by lights, sound, and activity, you can:

Keep television and radio off or on low volumes.

Avoid big crowds and high-activity settings like the mall or the playground on a sunny Saturday morning.

Schedule activities with a lot of sensory input (like clothes-shopping or trips to dentist or doctor) for your child's "best" times of day, when he is fed and well-rested.

Talk with your child's other caregivers about his difficulty managing a lot of sensory input. Brainstorm ways to reduce the stimulation in his other caregiving settings.

Give your child a firm "bear" hug when you sense she is feeling stressed and out of control and perhaps about to bite. This can help children feel "held together" which can be very soothing.

Create a "cozy corner" in your house with pillows, books and other quiet toys like stuffed animals, or use a playtent as a safe place to take a break. Explain that this is a place your child can go if he wants to be alone or feels out of control and needs to cool down. Ensure that your child's other caregiving settings have a "cozy corner" as well.

3. Explain the Effects of Their Actions

If your child is experimenting to see what will happen when he bites, you can:

Provide immediate, firm, unemotional (as best you can) feedback (No biting. Biting hurts.). Shift attention away from your child to the child who was bit.

Help your child understand about cause-and-effect: You bit Macy and now she is crying. When you bite, it hurts your friends. Biting is never okay.

4. Provide Opportunities for Active Play

If your child needs more active play, you can:

Set aside time each day to be active. Take a walk after breakfast. Turn music on while you are cooking dinner and have your child dance with you.

Talk with your child's other caregivers to ensure that active play is a part of everyday. Toddlers who bite should not be punished by losing "recess" time. This may make the problem worse.

Build activity into your child's everyday routines-for example, doing 10 jumping jacks before lunch or stretching before bed.

5. Address Sleep Challenges

If your child is over-tired, you can:

Try incrementally moving her bedtime 30 to 60 minutes earlier over a few weeks.

Set up a schedule of naps or, if she won't nap, "quiet times" when she is in her crib or bed with a book and soft music playing.

Avoid play-dates or other potentially stressful activities on days when she is very tired.

Tell your child's other caregivers when she has not slept well or is tired so they can shadow her, in order to reduce the possibility of a biting incident.

6. Support Healthy Teething

If your child is teething, you can:

Offer him a teether or cold washcloth to bite.

Talk to your child's caregivers to make sure they understand he is teething and to identify appropriate teethers in the classroom.

7. Provide Oral Stimulation

If your child has a need for oral stimulation:

Offer her crunchy (healthy) snacks at regular intervals across the day. Research has found that this intervention can actually reduce biting incidents.

When to Seek Help

While biting is very common behavior, it usually stops by age 3 to 3 ½. If your toddler continues to bite, or the number of bites increases instead of decreases over time, it is probably a good idea to request an assessment from a child development specialist.

This professional can help you identify the reason for the biting and develop a strategy for addressing the behavior. Remember, there is no quick fix. Over time, and with assistance, your child will stop biting and use more appropriate ways to express her needs.

What absolutely WILL NOT work to stop biting?

Shaming or harsh punishment do not reduce toddler biting, but they do increase your child's fear and worry-which can actually increase biting incidents. Aggressive responses like these also do not teach your child the social skills he or she needs to cope with the situations that trigger biting.

Biting your child back, which some might suggest, is not a useful response. There is no research to show this behavior reduces biting. However, it does teach your child that it's okay to bite people when you are upset! Keep in mind that human bites can be dangerous, and biting constitutes child abuse. This is not an appropriate response to toddler biting.

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Toddler Biting: Finding the Right Response - ZERO TO THREE

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Trying your best to understand the underlying cause of a toddler's biting will help you develop an effective response. Children bite in order to cope with a challenge or fulfill a need. Toddler biting is a very common behavior, which means there are a lot of concerned parents out there.

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From Feelings to Friendships: Nurturing Healthy Social-Emotional Development in the Early Years - ZERO TO THREE

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Learn how to support your child's relationship-building skills. From "Magic of Everyday Moments-Series 3." The bond between a parent and child builds the child's ability to form relationships with others, express emotions, and face difficult challenges. Through supportive relationships, young children can explore the world, develop empathy, and understand the difference between right and wrong.

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1. All Episodes

2. 187 - Common toddler food challenges

Happy podcast Thursday friends! Today is such a fun episode because I got to sit down with Megan McNamee who is one half of the amazing team behind Feeding Littles. We've all probably experienced the inconsistencies with our kids eating so she sat down with me today to answer some of your most requested questions about infant and toddler feeding. How do we know they're getting enough? How can we help them to become intuitive eaters? And what about that 'one more bite' rule? Join us today to get all the hot tips from Megan herself!

**Use code SEEDANDSEW for $10 off both the infant and toddler feeding courses at feedinglittles.com**

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# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Happy podcast Thursday friends! Today is such a fun episode because I got to sit down with Megan McNamee who is one half of the amazing team behind Feeding Littles. We've all probably experienced the inconsistencies with our kids eating so she sat down with me today to answer some of your most requested questions about infant and toddler feeding.