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In my first stage, a lot happened. My father died when I was a year old and my mother didn't cope with it well. I don't remember anything from this time but I have heard from my grandparents that my mom was very distant with me. She did take care of me but she wasn't emotionally available. Growing up I was always pessimistic and negative. This could be from not developing the hope attribute.

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I don't remember anything from this stage either but my mother moved back in with my grandparents after my father's death so she had a lot of help with me. My grandparents were very involved in my life and always gave me positive reinforcement. I was told that I was smart and a fast learner. I was always very independent and wanted to do things on my own. I potty trained early (I was fully potty trained before the age of 2) I have been told I was above average with skills at this time in life.

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I have a few memories from this time and I know that I was a child who took initiative. One of my memories was at age 4, I liked to roller skate in my basement alone. I would turn on music and skate for long periods of time. I don't remember being afraid to do things alone. My mother let my grandparents take more of a parental role at this time and they gave me freedom to do things that I liked to do without many restrictions as long as it was safe and I followed their rules. My sense of purpose has always been strong. I know that I have been put on this Earth to accomplish my goals and make the world a better place.

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At age 5 my mom met my brother's father and we moved from Boston to New Orleans to be close to his family. The move was rough for me because it happened fast. I started school in New Orleans and it was a completely different environment. My brother's father was abusive and very strict about money. He had a good job but only allowed my mom the minimum to take care of us. I remember at this time in school feeling inferior, other kids had extra things that I didn't have. I got in trouble in 1st grade for stealing some lip gloss from a classmate because I wanted girly things. I did well in school until 5th grade. I don't remember having close friends but I was well-liked and hung out with everyone. In middle school my mother divorced and met another man she married right away. He was a cop and was actually really nice but I gave him a hard time. Right before 6th grade I had to switch schools because he lived in a different district. He also had 2 kids, one who was a girl and my age and one was a boy 4 years older. It was a lot. My grades started dropping in middle school. I never made any real friends at my new school but I wasn't an outsider. I just didn't hang in any "clicks" I hung out with everyone and was still well-liked. I did lie a lot at this time and told fake stories about my life based on how I wanted it to be. This is where I began losing my competency.

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Stage 5: Identity vs' role confusion (12-18)

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Stage 5: Identity vs' role confusion (12-18)

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This stage is really where the mess hit the fan for me. My mother's 3rd husband came from a stable background and was a good man but I didn't know how to live that life so seeing his family together confused me. At the end of my 8th grade year I started talking to a boy on the phone and it continued over the summer. I never saw him in person but at the beginning of our 9th-grade year I found out he told everyone I had sex with him. I lost a lot of my friends and everyone was calling me a slut. No one would hang out with me anymore, everyone believed him. At this time there was an older boy who lived up the street from me ( he was 17) and I started hanging out with him a lot. That's when I really started having sex. Everything went downhill from there. The bullying continued at school, I was failing my classes, sneaking out at night to see him, and getting caught. I was out of control. My 10th-grade year my mom decided to put me in a different school. The new school was where "the rich kids" went and although my family didn't have money I did well the first year I was there. My grades were good again and I was popular there. My junior year was racked with scandle, a P.E. teacher began writing me notes in class telling me I was pretty. Nothing ever came from it but I did save the notes and a few weeks later a friend told me he tried to rape her. I reported it to the school counselor and her parents pressed charges and filed a lawsuit. Immediately I was the enemy again. No one believed us because he was well-liked, the football team was bullying us and it became worse than the other school. My mom pulled me out of that school and put me back into my old school. My grades dropped, slut shamed again at the old school I actually did begin having sex with a lot of boys. My senior year my parents moved to Washington and I went with them but it was too late for a new start and I dropped out of high school. I began hanging with gang members. I see now that at this stage I should have learned to have a normal relationship with men but that didn't happen for me. I bounced from guy to guy and thought it was cool. On my 18th birthday my mom took me to get my license, paid the rent on an apartment for a month and told me I was on my own that she had enough. I began working and thrived on my own although my relationships were sporadic.

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Stage 6:  Intimacy vs' Isolation (18-40)

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Stage 6:  Intimacy vs' Isolation (18-40)

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I definitely chose intimacy at this stage because I thought sex=love. I went through a lot of short relationships. I got pregnant at age 19 and had a little girl at age 20. My mom talked me into letting her adopt her because I was still hanging with gang members. At age 21 I moved back home to Louisiana and I had my oldest son at age 23 and my youngest at age 24. After I had my boy's I calmed down and focused on raising them. I had a bad choice in men and I bounced from man to man honestly until I was in my 30's. I was a good mother and didn't tolerate any abuse in relationships so my kids didn't grow up seeing any of that. I was determined to break that cycle and I did, but I still couldn't figure out how to stay in a real relationship. Once I hit 40 I just stopped dating and focused on myself, this is when my journey began to change. I see in this stage that I didn't find love or develop any real bonds except with my boy's. Since they were born it's always been about them.

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Stage 7: Generativity vs' stagnation (40-65)

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Stage 7: Generativity vs' stagnation (40-65)

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I am in this stage now. I have been a caregiver (CNA) for 20 years so while going through all of this I always took care of others. When I was 45 I decided that it was time to re-invent myself and I got my high school diploma. I spent so many years focusing on breaking the negative cycles with my kids that I forgot to break them for myself. I decided to take a break from caring for others and pursue a new career. I am 48 now and have been happily single for 7 years. I broke the cycle of jumping from man to man and learned how to be happy with myself. I am now in college getting my degree in education, my end goal is to get my Master's in school counseling. I did not choose to be stagnant in this stage of life and I am happy with that decision. Its never too late to start over.

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If I make it to this stage I know that I will not be in despair, I have spent too much of my life there and won't go back. I have a grandchild now who is almost 2 and I love her to death. We have a close bond just like me and my son's. I see all of them every day. I have so much wisdom now from all of my experiences that I can't imagine how much more I will have to offer at an older age. I just want to be a good person and accomplish my goals. I want to be a good role model for kids and live a happy life.