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I hate how I care about someone, care for someone. Recently I started talking to someone, I started liking them a lot. I think about how they are doing, what they are doing. I think about small little things about us, and small little things that led me to like him. I made a mistake out of panic and irrational thoughts. Once I was able to think clearly, I apologized. I couldn't imagine how I made them feel because of what I did. It did hurt him, and it hurt me too. Now I am overcompensating...I'm afraid that he will distance himself slowly. I'm afraid that the feeling isn't mutual. I wish I could have him close, let him see my expressions, my eyes, my truth. I wish I could give him a big hug, and for him to hug me back. I hate how much I allow myself to care for someone who I'm not sure cares for me. We talked about flying over to Mexico, to see each other. I make excuses: "my parents may not let me travel solo since they are strict." In reality, I'm scared that I went all that way to meet someone I care about, only to be left there.... alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my emotions. Alone with my desperateness. My heart can only handle so much, I know what will happen, but I don't want it to happen. Hate how I care, without being cared about.

Edit: I tried to reach out, and for a moment it seemed like you cared too. I was wrong, it took me some time to realize you were just like a parrot. So, once I stop talking to you, you will do the same, and I wish that wasn't the case. I really just dislike myself for being this way. I know you don't like me, so why can't I stop liking you? You were wrong, you are good at lying...or I'm just good at being naive.

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I tried to build something with a person, but once a boundary I set was not met, I ended things. It was such a great feeling being with someone, but if I allow my boundaries to be crossed, then I simply don't have any self-respect.

At the beginning I addressed that I wished for him to message me more, to let me know when he is busy and unable to text me back. He happily agreed to doing that, and it worked for a while. One night he texted me that he was getting ready, that same minute he sent me a text I sent him a response, which I had no answer to. I panicked, I sent him message after message in the span of a few hours, and nothing. I deleted all my messages, which he would be able to see were deleted, but he never texted me back about that. I only sent him one message: Buenas noches. And finally, he responded back. I sent him a good morning text and he did the same, I followed up with another text asking how his night went. He left me on read.

I honestly would've been fine with all that happened if he simply told me that he was busy and unable to text. But he didn't, and he didn't contact me for 12 hours. I was upset, of course, because during those hours of silence I could only think the worst. I did consider forgiving and continuing what we had, but the trust I had for him was no longer there. It would be extremely hard to gain that back, especially during long distance. I did send him a text that I would like to keep going, but once again he took hours to respond. My impatience helped me make the decision that had to be done. Was I wrong? Impulsive? Was it too little of an issue to react that way?

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I would like to recieve them from someone else, but if that's not possible then I would get myself some tulips on a nice rainy day.

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tulips _3 _ Flower aesthetic, Flower therapy, Beautiful bouquet of flowers

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$9,199

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I went to the strip club recently. There was a drag show and it was amazing. It left me in awe, the drag queens were all so beautiful. Their dancing and lip syncing, but mostly the aura that they projected was amazing. Then the best part of the show: men. Good looking men dancing. I went up to one of them gave them a few bills, and gave me a service that helped me let go immediately. Nothing too inappropriate for a strip club. I ran my hands on his body, I was tense, but I let myself relax and he ran his hands into my hair and tugged it. It felt too good, and I never liked having my hair pulled. Then he held my neck, and by then I swear that my eyes were giving "🤬" lmao. After that I he gave me a peck on the cheek, and I returned with a silly smile on my face. The rest of the night was amazing, lifted my spirits and drank some more too.

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It's been interesting, in a good and bad way. I am working, going back to school, and have been seeing someone. We met in January, it is now April. He has already told me he loves me, but the signals are confusing. Makes me doubt, leads to overthinking, causes stress. Yesterday, it was bad. When I tried to end things, I burst out in tears... I couldn't do it. I'm not afraid of being alone, I know that would be best. Then it's all about me, me, me.

I left this as a draft, it is now May. Things have ended but not in the way I wanted them to. I saw his true colors in the end though, that is when I knew things had to be put to an end. I've been happier though, so there's that.

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I wanted my mom to serve me a cup of water, but she said no. I told her that every time I'm upstairs and she asks me for water, I do it. Then she says I already asked her to put my clothes in the dryer. Like there is a limit to the favors I can ask her. I work tomorrow morning; I have to get up and ready 2 hours before leaving the house for work. All she has to do is wake up and walk downstairs to her office. I got upset when she used the excuse, "you are young" and I responded back with "and you are old." Dumb comeback but I still felt bad when I said it to her. I told her I'll put my clothes in the dryer and I did. I later said sorry, but at the same time shouldn't she apologize too? The whole interaction made me realize many things. I can't depend on anyone, not even small favors. My mom never apologizes even when she is in the wrong (not that she was or wasn't in this case). Just because I am young that makes it justifiable to do all favors, she asks of me. She thinks that using something against me is a good parenting method, but it is not.

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I think it's one of the funniest shows out there. I got Disney+ and was surprised to see that all 8 seasons are there, so I'm going to enjoy watching that when I can. It's one of my comfort shows.

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I had to make a list lol

1. When I text back immediately, and it takes hours for them to respond

2. When I'm the 'man' of the relationship

3. The lack of consistency from the other person

4. Love bombing...isn't that manipulation?

5. Once a boundary is set and addressed, it's not followed. Boundary not respected = person doesn't respect you.

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I've graduated from the Medical Assistant program, and during my internship I was offered a job, which I took. I'm taking a break from work and all, which is much needed. I remember why I decided to work so much, I used it as a distraction from a certain someone. Honestly though, I'm such a god 🤬 hipocrite. Sleeping with other people just to feel something, just to forget him, it was a bad call that I regret. Men are meh, they aren't all that. But fictional men...that is a whole other story. I will just have to learn with time, that what I need to focus on the most is myself.

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I talk to people and am social with them even though I'm not interested in them. As wrong as that sounds. I flirt sometimes, I guess, I don't even know if I am flirting or just being friendly. Many people have misunderstood that it's convinced me that I am flirting intentionally. This happens at work.

I like the attention, I am an attention seeking 🤬. It's unfortunate. I wonder why I like the attention, maybe because it makes me feel validated, I should give myself the attention...not seek it from others.

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Today my mood has been all over the place. I was tired, upset, frustrated, happy, sour, etc. Lot's of negative feelings. My mom invited my sister and I to lunch, I drove to her workplace (which was an hour away) and on the way there a song played. It was 'Te quiero' by Hombres G. Well my sister asked if I was even at the concert with her and mom, and I said yes. Then she said something about her not remembering because I wasn't sitting with them, but I corrected her and said I was with them the whole time. Then I said that I shouldn't have gone because she didn't even remember that I was there, so what was the point. Then she responded with: 'Your prescence is just so nonexistent' (or something among the lines of) and it got me really upset. I'm already having issues with myself and it just rubbed salt in the wound. I wanted to cry, but I wasn't going to when she was there. The worst part is that I still had to drive the rest of the day to take her to stores that she wanted/needed to go to. The traffic is terrible, especially during the time we were driving. She tells me how to drive, why I do this, why I do that, slow down, blah blah blah. Like you can tell me how to drive once you have your license. When we just finished lunch, my sis and mom were in the front seats of the car and I was in the back, we were heading back. My mom and sister were having a useless conversation about my sis shaving off her friends facial hairs. My mom asks me if I'm present, because I'm just quiet and on my phone, but she said it in such a tone that ticked me off. I told her that I was present and if I'm not talking it's because I'm not interested in the conversation. Then I chipped into the convo and asked my sister if her friend liked face shaven, like it was so stupid to even further talk or comment about it. I'm finally home, locked in my room with a stomachache from the food I had during lunch. I haven't even eaten dinner.

That's that.

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To Abu.

How to say goodbye

To your warm and gentle hands?

How to part

To your lovely voice?

How to say 'so long'

To your beautiful song?

How to say farwell

To the little details

That made you well?

How to move along

To hearing your laugh

To not at all?

How to get unstuck

For everytime

I read this poem

It makes me cry?

How to say goodbye

When I can't let go?

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It's late June. I still got a gym membership. I just don't know what to do, and I get very insecure and socially anxious. That's something else I have to work on.

I hope to lose about 50 lbs. and gain some muscle. I already have some clothing in mind, so that I can buy it when I'm more confident in my body.

Credit to the young lady for taking this pic. My goal is to reach this type of body, or something close to it.

Once I get a hot 🤬 body, I'll make all men crawl for me hehehe. Villian eraaaa.

(I literally just changed the first sentence, I'm cooked yall.)

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I believe 'I love you' is used too often in English. For the American people the word 'love' is used for pretty much anything. "I love you to death but...", "Love ya bestie!", "Love ya, bye.", you get the idea. It gets thrown around in a regular sentence, that's why I don't take it so seriously.

On the other hand, 'Te amo', seems to me to be a powerful statement. Two words with such powerful and true meaning. Maybe it's because in my culture that phrase isn't used often. Only for serious and genuine love.

I hope that one day I can tell those words to someone.

Edit: And I hope one day those words will be told to me.

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Don't forget: I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a daddy, asking him to love her.

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I'm having lots of stress due to the lack of money I have lol. Once I get a paycheck all that money goes to school payments. It really is so much fun being broke.

School is going well, I try my best with the both school I go to. Some people can be so dumb, even at school, that's I can't believe it sometimes.

Work is going well, except I don't quite like it when I have things to do outside of work. Which means I have to spend any free time doing those tasks so I don't stress myself out even more. Also, I've managed my emotions a little more, as in I don't get mad easily from the stupidity of customers. This is something I'm proud of, my mentality has changed because I realized that it's just work, and they don't pay me enough to get mad.

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I've been going to school for my MA program, things are going well. I can't say the same for my regular college education, but I can say that I don't want to give up. I don't want be lazy, but I also want to be content and proud of the work I put into the things I do.

Something I'm not proud of: I've been sleeping around. It's mostly impulsive and I also get pent up from all the stress and I just need release. No emotional connection, which I'm okay with, but after sex my conscience comes back. I get impulsive and 🤬, that I look for people who want to hookup, but then I regret it after that high is gone.

I'm just working, studying, eating, and sleeping. I should also add workouts to that cycle. Little by little I make deposits for my student loans, so that is going well too.

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Once I have my own money, I would like to buy a number of things. But I will first pay my student loans as fast as possible. Here is a list of the things I'd like to save for:

1. Dresses

2. Dog bed, toys, appliances, etc.

3. New headphones

4. Gymwear

5. My own motorcyle and all the expenses before that

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I've really been into the ocean and sea life.

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Things have started to look up, the program that pays for my courses has let me in again, I just have to continue being a good god 🤬 student. I have a week of vacation and I hope to have the time alone, just under the ac and rotting in my own filth with no one to judge me for it. I've been online again looking for a bunch of attention (unfortunately) I am already regretting it. I no longer want to continue, but I don't have the heart to tell the other person that, I don't know why I feel that way since I'll never meet them in person.

I hope everything works out in the end tho.

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Beautiful sea stars

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Two little sardines...simple :)

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78 Minimalist Tattoos That Will Inspire You To Get Inked

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I'm no longer afraid of the dark, no longer afraid what is lurking in the shadows of my closet. I'm afraid that when I love someone, I love too hard. I'm afraid that my love will make them feel overwhelmed or pressured, I don't want that. I don't think anyone is going to love me the same way that I love someone. I wish I were still afraid of the dark.

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1. I've finally decided to get off my 🤬 and do something for myself. I'm tired of letting my depression dictate my energy and motivation. I want to be responsible again, active again, find meaning in life again.

2. I've met someone, they brought me such joy and comfort. I genuinely like this person, and even if it was for a short time I made good memories. I've experienced new feelings and pleasures, more good than bad. [New update: A feeling I am experiencing right now, it's caused by knowing that someone no longer has interest in you and no longer likes you like before. He doesn't like me anymore, the worst part is that I can't bring myself to confront him about it, to communicate. Day by day we are slowly but surely becoming strangers again. It isn't how I wanted to end things, but not all things come out the way you want them to. I am sure of one thing, I will miss him and my heart continues to be his.]

3. I've been looking for jobs lately, I finally found one where I hope they hire me. The location is convenient and so is the pay. Also, I am going take an MA program and possibly become a medical assistant.

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Comb Jellies

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光るクラゲ _ おらひ日記帳

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Ponyo! So cute, I really enjoyed the movie

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There is a lot to tell. My grandma passed away, that took a toll on me. I am taking courses during the summer, 9 credits, 3 courses. The amount of pressure and overwhelming feelings had led me to want to start again. There is a possibility that I'll be moving to my grandma's house in Mexicali and study there. I've been in an online open relationship, I wanted to try it out, but at the end I fell in love and wanted to close the relationship. We ended things and are now friends...but it bothers me how he still expected 'benefits' from me. I did have those urges, but I didn't want to do that with him. Oh well, kinda broke my heart, but I never told him how I felt. Always masked my true emotions to the whole situation, but I'm please to have him as a friend. I went to Portland, with my friends for a girls trip. I really had fun with them! Great memories and even more to come. I've been looking for jobs, and I have an interview tomorrow, so that's good. Overall...I think things are starting to look up.

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You've bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you.

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I don't think I'll ever get tired of this movie. At the beginning I thought it was a bummer, that the creators didn't make it water girl and fire boy, like in the game, but the creator's character choice was a good call. The story is incredible and eye opening. The love story is just to die for. I'm so glad this movie wasn't terrible, because Disney has been dissappointing lately. Favorite quote from the movie: Wade - "There are a million reasons why this can't work. A million nos. But there's also one yes, we touched. And when we did something happened to us, somthing impossible. We changed each other's chemistry."

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Expensive hobby

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I fall asleep before the video even ends

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I'm seriously FINNA make you sleep | ASMR Ear & Eye Exam (with @RapunzelASMR)

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Un Millon - The Marias

Reason: It hits and it's something I wish to experience one day. The song is fun and joyful.

Mayor Que Yo - Idk

Reason: Reggaeton and It's lowkey relatable hehe

Me Matas - Eslabon Armado

Reason: Brings memories, bittersweet

Sugar On My Tongue - Tyler, The Creator

Reason: Tyler, The Creator is really good at producing songs. The lyrics are sick, the beats are sick, honestly everything.

Que Pasaria... - Rauw Alejandro & Bad Bunny

Reason: The beat and tempo of the song, Bad Bunny verse is pretty good.

Te Quiero Asi - Pedro Infante

Reason: Beautiful voice, beautiful lyrics that talk about love.

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"I am a fool with a heart but no brains, and you are a fool with brains but no heart and we're both unhappy, and we both suffer." -Fyodor Dostoyevsky

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I am stressing because of school. Am I doing anything to get rid of this stress? No. Am I procrastinating despite the damage I have done to my grades? Yes. WHat is WRONG with ME?! I know that I have the ability to learn, memorize, and grasp subjects so well, but I am not putting any time and effort to do that....ahhhhh. Birthday is coming up soon too. hehe ;)

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I've been into horror lately...I'm really into being jump scared. Other than horror movies, I like to watch youtubers play horror video games. I get so invested sometimes in the players reaction and in the game itself. This video games is played by Hollow, I really his videos.

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I haven't been updating as regularly as I've been wanting to...I know no one reads this but I write as if I had an audience. Well, I'll be turning twenty soon and it is kinda surreal. I'm still in college and it is going alright. I still need to work hard, which isn't a surprise because of the major I chose. There has been a new addition to the family, we got a new puppy and a kitten. We have three animals at home and it's chaos, but manageable. I don't have time to train the puppy since I'm mostly at school (i'm also lazy) and I don't have time. My blood sugar is 0.1 away from reach prediabetic stage, and yet I'm still not worried for my health. I just don't seem to care.

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You...complete me.

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I am in college again, school is going alright, i just have to studying more. I like it a lot more in the new campus I am studying at. My dog get sick somtimes and I have to give him his meds, and then he gets all better. We are going to get a new puppy soon, they have to grow up a little more before they can separate their mama. I got my nails done, and I absolutely love them, can't wait to get them done again. There is this cute boy in math class, but I am just going to use him as eyecandy. Nothing harmless, especially since I can admire him from a distance. I am starting to feel more confident in the clothes that I've been wanting to wear, but never had the guts to. That's pretty much it though, things are going smoothly.

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I got back with my boyfriend, deciding to give each other a second chance. At the end we didn't work out, so I broke up with him. Still on good terms with him, the thought of going back to him will never ever cross my mind again. At the beginning of the break up I did miss him because I was just used to being in a relationship. I have been thinking of venting because he would do some 🤬 up 🤬, which I now realize since my mind is clear. God, I miss being a virigin. I'll be starting my venting now: 1) In the duration of the relationship, he would comment how he's "such a bad boyfriend", of course being the nice girlfriend I told him that isn't true. Once I broke up with him he again mentioned that he was a bad boyfriend until the end. I said, "Let bygones be bygones" because I was just sick of him saying that 🤬 and not doing nothing about it. What I really wanted to say: "If you knew, then why didn't you try being a good boyfriend? I guess I wasn't worth trying." 2) He would make me feel guilty for not having sex with him, he acted like a 🤬 man child. Unfortunately, I was so "in love" that I didn't see it that way. 3) He just stopped trying in the relationship, I would give him chances to setup dates. I would always ask for him to see me at my house. But guess what, he didn't. 4) At one point I was tired of being in a relationship with him, of expecting him to start doing the bare minimum. So I called it quits. 5) This 🤬 me off so much he said something in the lines of, "I'm glad you broke up with me, you deserve better." Son of a 🤬 thought that made things better, it made me scoff.

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I want this so bad, but am i willing to work for it? Ehhh depends :/

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I like yellow, so this isn't too bad. Just a different nail shape.

Edit: I didn't get these done either, but I did get many other designs done that aren't on this board before I finally got tired of having long nails.

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Amazing show. Honestly, Lee Joon-gi's acting was spot on, I cried on this one. I love the genre and this show always had me on the edge of my seat.

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"Anger is the part of yourself that loves you the most. It knows when you are being mistreated, neglected, disrespected. It signals that you have to take a step out of a place that doesn't do you justice. It makes you aware that you need to leave a room, a job, a relationship, old patterns that don't work for you anymore. Learn to listen to your anger and make it your best friend. Then it'll leave."

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I didn't eat breakfast this morning, so now I am hungry

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Double Baked Bacon + Egg Potatoes for Super Creative and Clean___

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I would like to cook this for myself to eat. But the problem is that if I am cooking then I will have to cook for my family as well.

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Glazed Chicken Meal Prep - Meat and Potatoes Reinvented - Budget Bytes

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1. Ice cube to the face
2. With clean hands wash face thoroughly with lukewarm water
3. light moisturizer
4. Change pillowcase often
5. Don't touch face
6. sheet/clay/mud mask (2 times a week)

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I was listening to her while working on some assignments, but I started getting sleepy because her voice is so soothing. <3

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ASMR "Hello Sleepyhead" "I 🫶 You" Repeating My Intro & Outro - lots of camera & glasses tapping

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"I promise you have your entire life to find the love of your life. Instead, start falling in love with your life, today. Enjoy your morning coffee, dance around your room to your favorite song. Wear your favorite shirt and get ready, for yourself. Live slowly. Savor those little magical moments happening around you that are probably going unnoticed right now. if you don't you'll wake up one day and your time here will have run out, and you'll realize you spent your entire life looking for love in other people, instead of finding it in yourself." Beautiful.

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I see the continuing years of my life as an independent person, who will try to reach her overall goal. I save money and become healthy. I also continue with my education. In the far future, I will have my own house, my own car or motorcycle, my own pet, and my own life. In the future I see myself without a partner but I am successful.

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I was willing to accept you're flaws because I liked you so much. I was willing to continue our relationship for a long time, without an experiation date. I was willing to change things about myself just so that you could be happy with me. When you said, "I love you" for the first time I was very happy because before that day I would think about saying those words to you time and time again. I was willing to put you first and above everything else. The next day you said that "we should just be good friends", right then and there I realized that my "love" and your "love" are entirely different. My "I love you" would be the truth, I would mean it with all my heart and I wouldn't simply say it as a form of endearment. I am glad that I didn't say "i love you" back that day. But even when I realized this, I still didn't want to give up on you without trying, I was willing to give us a second chance. I was willing to be a better partner to you, I was willing to be better partners together.

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According to spoilers and reviews, here is when the MC falls for the villain, but gosh dang it it is going to take another couple of days to reach the point where she starts falling in love again. AAHHHH!!!

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A Court of Mist and Fury (A Court of Thorns and Roses)

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Started reading this book because the MC would fall in love with the villain, but she actually falls in love with the hero instead. Just realized it is the SECOND book that she falls in love with the villain. NOW I HAVE TO BUY THE SECOND BOOK! AHHHH!!!

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I would watch this repeatedly until I memorised all the lyrics to the songs and all the lines of the characters.

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This is pretty sick not gonna lie.

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I never really understood what shakespeare meant by "you say you love the rain but open an umbrella. You say you love the sun but you find a shady spot. You say you love the wind but close your windows when it blows. That's why I'm afraid when you say you love me." The older you get it all starts to make sense.

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I love it, everytime I see it I get a sense of serenity. A void, I don't think about anything, just daze.

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This is a beautiful piece of art that I thought would be nice on my body.

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fettuccine alfredo with shrimp

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This is how it all started

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Beautiful, he is just the sweetest! My standards are getting higher and higher.

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This is actually a very good idea, now that spring is around the corner

Edit: Never got it. lol

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45 Trendy Spring Nails That’ll See Everywhere _ Blue Floral Tip Nails

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sometimes, i just want to be a kid again

Edit: Never got this...

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Honestly, I will never want a boyfriend as long as he is still breathing.

Edit: I got a boyfriend, absolutely regret betraying you Nam Joo Hyuk, forgive me

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I like long nails, but not too long. I also lke the color black, white doesn't look good on me.

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ASMR Sleepyhead Spa Lip Treatment - mouth sounds, up close personal attention, tapping

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I need to eat this soon or else I'm going to go crazy

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Every morning I TRY to wake myself up with coffee....does it work? Ehh, 50/50

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Listening to my favorite ASMRtist to have a good nights rest.

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ASMR For When You Desperately Need Sleep | ENGLISH | Sleep in 25 Minutes