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As I prayed and reflected, I had a picture in my mind.

I saw Jesus as a river of living water.

Not muddy or turbulent, but sparkling, bright, and crystal clear—full of light, purity, and life.

The water flowed steadily from His presence, moving outward into places that were dark, barren, dry, and lifeless.

At first, the land looked hopeless.

The ground was cracked.
The trees were dead.
The soil was dark.

Yet wherever the river touched, something remarkable happened.

The darkness began to recede.

Green shoots emerged.

Flowers bloomed.

Fields began to flourish.

What was once barren became abundant.

What was once lifeless became alive.

What was once desolate became a harvest.

And the river never stopped flowing.

This picture echoes what Ezekiel saw:

"Where the river flows everything will live." (Ezekiel 47:9)

The miracle was not in the ground.

The miracle was in the source.

Life came because the river came.

Healing came because the river came.

Fruitfulness came because the river came.

What God May Be Saying

As I reflected on this vision, I sensed God gently reminding me:

"Your assignment is not to manufacture life.
Your assignment is to stay connected to the River."

Sometimes I look at situations around me:

challenges at work

difficult relationships

weary leaders

struggling families

people who seem far from God

communities that feel spiritually dry

And I wonder:

"How can this ever change?"

Yet this vision reminds me that transformation does not begin with human effort.

It begins with the presence of Jesus.

Where He flows:

healing comes

hope returns

hearts soften

faith rises

people flourish

After reflecting on "The Jesus Way," I cannot help but see this river as the mission of God.

The living water was never meant to stay in one place.

It keeps flowing outward.

Into homes.

Into workplaces.

Into schools.

Into neighborhoods.

Into nations.

Into the dark places.

The river carries the life of Christ into places that desperately need Him.

And perhaps God is saying:

"Will you let My river flow through you?"

Not because you have enough strength.

Not because you have all the answers.

But because you remain connected to the Source.

Personal Reflection

There are places in my own life that still feel dry.

Places where I need God's river to flow again.

Areas where I need Him to bring healing, restoration, and fresh life.

Yet this vision reminds me that Jesus is not intimidated by barren places.

He specializes in them.

The darker the ground, the more His life shines.

The drier the land, the more precious His water becomes.

Nothing is beyond His ability to restore.

Jesus,

Thank You for being the River of Living Water.

Thank You that wherever You flow, life follows.

When I look at barren places in my life, my family, my ministry, my workplace, and even the nations, remind me that You are still flowing.

Let Your river flow through me.

Into weary hearts.
Into broken places.
Into dry ground.

Keep me close to the Source.

May I never depend on my own strength to create fruitfulness.

Instead, let Your life flow through me so that wherever You send me, people encounter hope, healing, and restoration.

Turn barren fields into harvests.

Turn darkness into life.

Turn ordinary places into places where Your Kingdom flourishes.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

As you sit with this vision, ask:

What are the "dark places" God is inviting His living water to flow into through me?

And:

Am I trying to create life through my own effort, or am I remaining connected to the River that gives life?

Anchor Thought

The river never struggles to bring life. It simply keeps flowing from the presence of God. Wherever Jesus flows, life follows.

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I’m currently sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight back to Singapore, and for the first time in days, everything has become quiet enough for me to finally sit down, journal, speak with my Maker, and slowly clear the noise in my head.

This past week in my beloved Philippines felt full in a different way.

It started with the church conference during the first 3 days, then flowed into a family summer holiday. They went to theme parks under the sun, then when conference is over I rejoined them and we stayed in a peaceful farm with no programme, no pressure, no agenda—just us resting, eating together, being present and having our own QT moments. There was something healing about not needing to force deep conversations, but simply sharing space and doing things together.

After that, I returned to the city for dental appointment mand personal errands. I had plans to work on some paperwork for a property and even hoped to revisit my farm and check some nearby properties connected to future dreams with my brother, but things didn’t fully work out because schedules conflicted. Some plans pushed through, others didn’t.

And yes, I spent a lot during this trip. But sitting here now, it was worth it. Because I was able to spend time with the people I love most, something I rarely get to do in my normal day-to-day life in Singapore. I know these moments became core memories not just for me, but for them too. These are experiences we cannot easily create unless I come home. Though I know I could have done some things better. Maybe planned better. Maximized more. Accomplished more. Be more intentional for deeper convos, take chance to be nicer to my parents. But honestly? No regrets.

This trip reminded me that rest is not always productive on paper, but it can still be deeply meaningful for the soul. I’m also realizing how much happened internally during this trip. Under the heat of the sun, I found myself immersing again in the life I used to know—walking familiar streets I walked before leaving for Singapore 16 years ago, riding jeepneys again, passing through crowded local markets, experiencing pinoy traffic, pinoy time and annoying government service all over again. Eating food I missed. Buying little things and treats for the kids and my family. Meeting new neighbors. Looking at RCD house and dreaming with my brother about future possibilities.

It felt strangely grounding. Like reconnecting with an older version of myself that still exists somewhere inside me. And maybe God allowed me to revisit all these not just for nostalgia, but to remind me where I came from and what truly matters.

One thing I’m deeply thankful for is seeing how my relationship with my parents has become better. It’s still not ideal, and there are still difficult realities we carry as a family, but progressing in ways we can. Healing. Progress. Grace. And I think that alone is already a miracle.

Now that the trip is ending, I can feel the familiar transition emotions surfacing again. My mind already knows what is waiting for me back in Singapore from work responsibilities, ministry demands, personal commitments, unfinished tasks, decisions to make.

Reality bites. Vacation is over. And yet, I don’t think I’m returning the same person who left. I think somewhere between the farm silence, the city chaos, the family moments, the familiar streets, and the quiet presence of God, my soul was able to breathe again. Even though I haven’t spent as much intentional alone time with God throughout the trip until today, I still sensed Him journeying with me quietly in the background, in conversations, in memories, in laughter, in rest, in reflection. Today, finally alone in this airport, I return my attention back to Him again. Chaotic mind, but rested soul. And maybe that’s enough for today.

I’m grateful to God for this opportunity to rest in the best way I know how. Grateful that I was able to become a blessing to my family in simple ways. Grateful for provision, for memories, for healing, for perspective and for the reminder that life is more than constant doing.

As I board this flight back to Singapore, I don’t just want to return physically. I want to return lighter. Softer. More grounded. More grateful.
And more aware that God has been good to me through it all. “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” — Psalm 116:7

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It has been a very meaningful solitude with my Maker and this morning, I sit with a deep awareness of where I’ve come from and where my heart is being led. I realize that my life has been shaped by what I’ve seen—poverty, lack, and the quiet struggles of people just trying to get through each day. I may not have experienced the deepest level of lack myself, but I have seen, tasted and felt enough to understand it. I have felt it through others who give everything just to provide. And instead of turning away and just random searches from it, something in me has always been moved toward it.

Yes, I'm living comfortably in Sg becoming a First World Christian who prays not to lose sight on other's struggles that instead of turning away, I pray that my heart leaned in. God often uses what we’ve witnessed—not just what we’ve suffered—to shape compassion in us. I am not just called to feel compassion, I am being formed to build from it. Not all at once. Not in a rush. But slowly, faithfully, intentionally. Even Jesus didn’t start with crowds—He started with a few, with daily moments, with people right in front of Him.

I see now that this compassion was formed in me over time. It has stayed with me, even after 16 years of working abroad, building stability, and carrying responsibilities. Even now, it continues to speak. There is a desire in me—not just to give, but to build something.

Something that can create opportunities.
Something that can restore.
Something that can help in ways only me can.

Something that can empower

I think about my nation, the Philippines, and I know deep in my heart that I am called there. Not just to return, but to contribute, to be part of something that brings change, even in a small way. At the same time, I recognize the reality of my present season.

I have responsibilities.
I have a mortgage to pay.
I feel the limits of my energy at times.

And sometimes, I feel the tension between what I carry in my heart and what I am able to do right now. This morning, I am reminded of this truth:

I do not need to rush ahead of God to fulfill what He has placed in me. My desire is not just to achieve these dreams—but to see them unfold in His will and in His time.

Even the years I have spent working, saving, teaching, they are not wasted. They are part of my preparation. They are building in me the discipline, the understanding, and the capacity I will need for what is ahead. As I think about going home in May, I choose to see it not as a moment to decide everything—but as a step of listening, observing, and learning. I will look at what is already in my hands:

the farm of potential for fish, poultry, or crops produce

the possibility of creating something sustainable

But I will not force outcomes. I will allow God to guide me through what is real, what is possible, and what is timely.

I also acknowledge that I don’t have to do everything at once. I don’t need to build everything immediately. I don’t need to solve everything at once. What matters is that I begin wisely, patiently, and with Him. What I carry is not just a dream. It is something planted in me for a reason.

Yes, sometimes it feels like everything depends on me and then the scriptures say,

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do…”

And that's my part. Not to figure everything out. Not to secure the outcome. But to place it into His hands in my dreams, my desire to build something meaningful.

To commit means “Lord, this matters to me but I trust You more than my own plans.” And then comes the promise:
“…He will establish your plans.”

Not instantly. Not always the way I imagined.
But He will firm up what is from Him, what is aligned, what is ready, what will last. Then Philippians 2:13 brings a deeper comfort:

God is not waiting for me at the finish line.
He is already at work within me.

The compassion I feel

The desire to help others

The vision to build something back home

Praying that these are not random thoughts but signs that God is already shaping my direction from the inside out.

Even my willingness, my desire to do something meaningful, is part of His work in me. I pray that I am not trying to manufacture my calling but I am learning to respond to what God is already doing within me. So the rhythm goes:

I commit
He works
He establishes

So I pray, Lord, I bring to You what is in my heart that feel exciting and heavy at times. You see my desires, my dreams, my plans and even my uncertainties. I surrender not just my future, but my timing to You. I choose to commit them to You. Not just the outcome, but the process. Not just the future, but this present season. Teach me to trust that You are already working within me, shaping my desires, guiding my steps, preparing me for what is ahead. Remove the pressure to have everything figured out. Replace it with peace, knowing that You are the One who establishes what is right and lasting. Help me to walk with You, not ahead of You. To respond, not rush.

Teach me to walk in step with You, not ahead, not behind. Give me wisdom to prepare well in this season, and clarity to recognize the right doors when they open. Shape my plans so they align with Your will. Refine my motives so they remain rooted in love and not pressure. If You are calling me to build something, then build in me first what is needed to sustain it. I trust that what You have started in my heart,
You will also bring to fulfillment. I trust that what You have started in me, You will faithfully bring into fullness, in Your time.

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I'm out of Sg in my 2nd day of "Me" time, in a deeper work for my being right after that season of 'doing'. I'm in a place I've never been too, giving myself a lone time to process, to receive rest without guilt.

So I'm sitting in a cafe, grounding myself in Psalm 116:7

"Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

This is God's call to return, because of God’s goodness, not my performance. I'm used to measuring including money, time, talent, effort, outcomes, responsibilities. This morning, I was battling over an additional $20 from a place a booked but I was reminded that this rest is not about the money, rest with God doesn’t work like a transaction. I didn’t “overpay” for this time. God allowed me to invest in space my soul clearly needed. Think about it:

I led through uncertainty during Easter, and in God's faithfulness and grace, I made it!

I've been holding on and carrying invisible stress at work.

In all these, I kept showing up even when things weren’t easy.

It's been very rugged months and finally, I can pause yet my instinct still wants to justifies. So I was reminded, what if I didn’t? What if this moment is not something to defend, but something to receive? After few hours, I am finally at peace. It's not my battle to deal with. Enjoy every moment with God's presence.

So redirecting my heart, I want to start with gratitude in hindsight. When I look back at this Easter season, God has been in the gaps that I thought would remain empty but were somehow filled. He's been giving me supernatural strength that came when I had none left to give. He has sent people at the right time, the ideas that came just when we needed them, the quiet assurance that carried me through each rehearsal and decision. Numerous moments I thought I wouldn’t make it but did, those long nights when my body was exhausted but I still showed up with God's strength, those moments I felt overwhelmed leading, yet somehow clarity came, those times I questioned myself, yet He still allowed things to come together. So I know it wasn’t me. It was God- again and again.

So yes, this break is not a luxury, but a necessity that my soul has been crying out for, a space God intentionally made for me to pause, breathe, and return. It is an act of obedience to rest because He said so, not because I earned it. God might be inviting me in this quiet space to stop striving and just receive, to release the need to justify myself and to remember that I am loved apart from what I produce. And with this, I let Him restore parts of me that I didn’t even realize were tired.

It's a precious time to affirm myself for being diligent in God's grace and mercy, not only that I work hard but I am also someone who is deeply loved by God that He allowed me to rest without earning it knowing that I can be still and not always producing. God has been faithful in my life through every season where I thought I lacked but didn’t, in every moment I felt weak but was sustained. Every time I drifted yet was gently brought back, in every unseen way He has carried me, even when I didn’t notice. I really just want to thank you God. I don't deserve it, but you give it freely.

Tomorrow, I am returning back to Sg with a lighter heart, with renewed intimacy with You not carrying everything, but trusting You more. There's greater things to come, and this if God's sweet way to prepare my heart to receive / give so that I can give from overflow, not exhaustion, to enter the next season with clarity, not pressure. So right now, while sitting in that café, in this place I've never been before, I am being restored. As he says, “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” And He still is. 🤍

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Today my heart turns toward those who are often unseen—

the elderly who are still working tirelessly just to provide for their families,
those on the streets striving day by day to earn a living,
the poor who carry burdens that many do not notice.

You see them all.

You know their names, their struggles, their silent prayers.

Lord, be near to them.

Be their provider, their strength, their comfort.
Make a way where there seems to be no way.
Send help, provision, and people who will stand with them.

And Lord, I thank You…

Thank You for raising me in a place like the Philippines—
where I have seen both hardship and resilience,
where compassion was formed in me through real experiences.

Thank You for giving me a heart that feels for the poor,
that cannot ignore their struggles.

But Lord, I ask—

Do not let me lose this compassion.

In the midst of busyness, growth, and responsibilities,
keep my heart soft.

Remind me where I came from.
Keep me grounded.
Guard me from pride or becoming boastful.

Teach me to always be grateful—
even for the smallest blessings.

Lord, I don’t just want to feel compassion—
I want to act on it.

Show me how I can help.
Open doors for me to give, to serve, to make a difference—
even in simple, practical ways.

Use my life to bless others,
especially those who are in need.

I also lift up my nation, the Philippines.

You see the struggles—
the economic pressures, the needs of the people, the cries of the poor.

Lord, have mercy on our land.

Raise leaders who will serve with integrity, humility, and compassion.
Remove selfish ambition and replace it with a heart for the people.
Give them wisdom to make decisions that bring justice and provision.

Let righteousness rise in our nation.

And Lord, start with me.

Let me be someone who:

remembers

gives thanks

stays humble

lives with compassion

May I never forget that everything I have comes from You.

And may my life be a channel of Your love to others.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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“I may have been weak—but He has always been faithful.”

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“I may have been weak—but He has always been faithful.”

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As I listen to this song, I am reminded of one thing— God has been faithful.

Through this entire Easter journey,
through every lack, every weakness, every moment of uncertainty—

You never failed me.

Even when I was inconsistent,
even when I struggled,
even when I felt far from You—

You remained steady.

Thank You for sustaining my strength.
Thank You for providing what was needed.
Thank You for carrying me when I didn’t have enough.

Forgive me for the times I focused more on my weakness than Your faithfulness.

Today, I choose to remember:

You are my anchor.
You are my foundation.
You are the One who will never let me down.

And as I move forward,
teach me to trust You deeper—
not just in what I do, but in how I walk with You daily.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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Promises (feat. Joe L Barnes & Naomi Raine) | Maverick City Music | TRIBL

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Looking back at my journey with God through Easter

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Looking back at my journey with God through Easter

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This whole Easter journey wasn’t just about the success of it, but the journey behind it. Personally, it was about Jesus forming my heart while I serve Him.

Like Simon Peter, I've been stretched, humbled and reminded of your need for Him. And through it all, I was carried, refined and kept close. Looking back, I see His hands everywhere. In my weakest moments, He sustained me. In places of lack, He provided. In my personal struggles, He stayed with me. I was never walking alone. Even when I felt tired, unsure, or not enough, He was quietly strengthening me day by day. He journeyed with me, He was doing great inside my heart. I pray that I won't forget this. That I can carry this testimony forward because He is faithful and never left. Through months of preparation, through moments of lack, through physical exhaustion, through uncertainty and pressure. And yet… God carried me. There were lack of actors and He provided. In my low strength, He sustained. In countless gaps and uncertainties, He filled. What felt impossible at times, He made possible.

Concurrently, I also carried a “cup” this season. For long nights after long work days, for emotional and leadership weight, moments of weakness and struggle and wrestling with my own heart before God. And like Jesus, there were moments I could have resisted. His presence kept me going. So I kept showing up. Not perfectly
but faithfully.

That's why today, I am able to stand in His Grace over my imperfection. Not on how strong I felt nor how consistent I performed. It's because of His grace. It's not about what I have done but on what Jesus did. In all my limitation, my sins are forgiven, my weakness is covered, my heart is still deeply loved. It was God moving through your surrender.

Looking back, I've really been stretched physically after long work + rehearsals. There were moments I felt emotionally stretched, carrying both ministry and workplace tension even questioned yourself, “Am I doing this right? Am I enough for this?”

And God did not stop. he has given me strength for each day so I can show up again and again. God has been sustaining you quietly, daily, faithfully, just enough to keep going.

Honestly, I looked at the gaps so I worried- from lack of actors for many months, incomplete plans to limited time and energy. Yet, people came so roles were filled, clarity came step by step, somehow, things still moved forward, creativity flowed, direction was given. God didn’t always provide early, but He provided on time. Not everything was perfect, but everything was covered. What I thought was “lacking” became a space for God to show His faithfulness.

Beyond the production—this is about your heart. God met me in moments of repentance and returning, in my quiet longing to go back to your first love, in my tears, weariness, honesty before Him. He reminded me not to lead in the flesh, but in intimacy. He didn’t just walk with me in what I did, He walked with me in who am I becoming. He never withdrew, He walked with you patiently.

So today Lord, I remember You. The One who chose the cross, who did not turn away, who said “yes” to the Father’s will out of love. And as I reflect on this Easter season… I thank You.

Thank You for carrying me through this entire journey—from last year until now.

There were so many moments of lack,
so many things not ready, so many times I felt stretched and weak— but You filled every gap. You provided, You sustained, You made a way. This was never by my strength. It was always You.

And Lord… I also come with a repentant heart. Forgive me for my sins, for the moments I drifted, for the times my heart was not fully aligned with You. Thank You that Your grace still covers me when I don't deserve. Thank You that Your love has never left me.

Today, I give You all the glory. For every life touched, for every moment on stage, for every unseen sacrifice. It all belongs to You. And as I journey forward, teach me to walk closely with You again. Not just in ministry, but in intimacy. Not just in doing, but in loving You.

Thank You for Your faithfulness.
Thank You for Your goodness in my life.

You carried the cross and You carried me through. Like Peter, thank you for calling me not because I was qualified. Even in my weaknesses, struggles and moments of inconsistency, You still say “Follow Me.” You called me closer. Thank you that I am able to serve because I've been chosen.

When Peter stepped out in faith, he walked on water, but when fear took over, he began to drown. Yet immediately, Jesus reached out and saved him. When I felt overwhelmed, when pressure rose, when emotions or exhaustion hit, I didn’t go under. Jesus held me. You are not limited by my weakness. You work through it. It was Your grace at work in me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

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Reflection from Book of Amos 7

While Amaziah represents resistance to God’s message, Amos represents humility and obedience. Growing in character often means moving away from Amaziah-like tendencies and developing a heart more like Amos.

So taking note of encouraging signs that God may be shaping that kind of heart in me

Care More About God’s Truth Than Personal Comfort

Amos spoke God’s message even though it was unpopular and risky. He did not adjust the message to make people comfortable. A sign of spiritual growth is when truth matters more than convenience.

Begin to ask:

“Lord, what is right?” rather than “What is easiest?”

My Reflection:

Am I willing to stand for what is right even when it costs me comfort or approval?

Staying Humble About My Role

Amos openly admitted he was just a shepherd and farmer before God called him. He did not rely on titles or status. His confidence came from obedience to God’s calling. Growing like Amos means remembering that leadership and influence are gifts entrusted by God, not personal achievements.

My Reflection:
Do I remain humble about my role and remember that God is the one who placed me where I am?

Remain Teachable

People who grow spiritually stay open to God’s correction. Unlike Amaziah, who rejected the message, an Amos-like heart is willing to listen—even when the truth is uncomfortable. This posture keeps the heart soft before God.

My Reflection: When God exposes something in my life, do I receive it with humility or defensiveness?

Care About Justice and Righteousness

Amos spoke strongly about injustice, especially the oppression of the poor and vulnerable. Growing like Amos means developing a heart that reflects God’s concern for fairness, compassion, and integrity. Your faith begins to shape not only personal devotion but also how you treat people.

My Reflection:

Does my life reflect God’s compassion and righteousness in my daily actions?

Confidence Comes From God, Not Approval

Amos faced opposition, yet he remained faithful because he knew God had called him. When you grow spiritually, your identity becomes less dependent on:

praise from people

recognition

external validation

Instead, your confidence rests in knowing that you are walking with God.

My Reflection:
Whose approval matters most in the decisions I make?

No one becomes like Amos overnight. Spiritual growth happens gradually as we continue seeking God, listening to His voice, and responding with humility. The fact that I am reflecting on these questions already shows a desire to grow in character and faithfulness. God delights in hearts that are willing to learn, repent, and follow Him.

Lord, Shape my heart to be like Amos—humble, obedient, and faithful to Your truth. Guard me from the tendencies that lead to pride or resistance. Keep my heart soft and teachable so that I may hear Your voice clearly. Help me care deeply about justice, righteousness, and integrity in the way I live and lead. Let my confidence come from walking with You rather than seeking approval from others.

Amen.

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In Amos 7, Amaziah was not an obvious villain. He was a priest, a religious leader responsible for guiding people spiritually. Yet when God sent Amos with a difficult message, Amaziah resisted it and tried to silence him. This shows something important: sometimes the greatest spiritual dangers are not obvious sins but subtle heart tendencies that grow quietly inside leaders.

Reflecting on Amaziah can help me especially as a leader in my workplace, in my ministry and in my family to examine my own heart so that I remain humble and aligned with God. So here's the Hidden Amaziah Tendencies that I need to look out for:

Protecting Position More Than Truth

Amaziah was comfortable in his role at Bethel. Amos’ message threatened the system Amaziah was part of, so he tried to remove the messenger rather than receive the message. Leaders can sometimes fall into this when they begin protecting their reputation, their authority and the stability of the organization more than the truth God is revealing.

My reflection: Am I ever tempted to avoid uncomfortable truth because it disrupts the status quo?

Confusing Religious Activity with Spiritual Sensitivity

Amaziah was deeply involved in religious life, yet he missed God’s voice.

This reminds us that being active in ministry does not automatically mean we are spiritually attentive. As a leader, I can preach, organize, serve, and lead—yet slowly lose sensitivity to what God is saying.

My reflection: Am I listening to God personally, or only functioning in my responsibilities?

Feeling Threatened by Prophetic Voices

Amos spoke a difficult message. Instead of discerning it, Amaziah saw him as a threat. Leaders sometimes struggle when someone brings correction, challenge, or uncomfortable truth. But God often uses unexpected voices to refine us.

My reflection: How do I respond when someone challenges my thinking or decisions?

Choosing Peacekeeping Over True Righteousness

Amaziah wanted stability and order in Bethel. Amos’ message disrupted that.

Sometimes leaders choose short-term peace instead of confronting deeper issues. But biblical leadership often requires courage to address uncomfortable realities.

My reflection: Do I sometimes avoid difficult conversations to maintain peace?

Forgetting That Authority Comes from God

Amos had no formal title, yet he carried God’s message. Amaziah had the title but resisted God’s word. This reminds leaders that authority ultimately comes not from position but from faithfulness to God.

My reflection: Am I relying more on my role or on my relationship with God?

The Good News

The purpose of reflecting on Amaziah is not to condemn ourselves but to remain humble. Every leader has moments where Amaziah-like tendencies appear:

defensiveness

fear of disruption

attachment to systems or reputation

But when we remain teachable, God can transform those tendencies into Amos-like faithfulness.

Lord, search my heart as I reflect on the story of Amos and Amaziah. If there are places where I am protecting comfort, reputation, or stability more than truth, reveal them to me gently. Keep my heart humble and teachable. Help me welcome correction and remain sensitive to Your voice. May my leadership always come from obedience to You rather than attachment to position or control. Amen.

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Lord… here I am. In transit to my flight going back to Sg, about 1 hr to go before the first day of 2026 ends, taking my time to pause and converse with my Father... Not rushing. In whatever condition. Just showing up, as I am.

I just want to start this year remembering You how You carried me through 2025. When I look back, I don’t know how I survived some of it without You, from back to back projects and travels, while still being involved at work, in my ministry and personal itineraries. The last days of the year were packed but I felt that as a gift from You. Time with people I genuinely love. Go to my favourite places. Discovery. Laughter. Rest. Moments where my heart felt full again. Thank You for those quiet mercies. Thank You for the joy that surprised me, the strength I didn’t know I had, and the grace that kept coming.

2025 was a lot- it stretched me, exhausted me and exposed parts of me I didn’t know were there.

My principal of 15 years is relocating, someone who walked with me for so long. Although we are happy for her milestone, but yeah it was hard. We have to keep moving forward, but part of us is grieving.

2025 is also the diabetes diagnosis. A wake-up call I didn’t ask for, that forced me to change my eating habits, reminding me that even my body was asking me to slow down and change. I am not young anymore. So as my parents. My mom had stroke and a lot of things has to stop for her. It will never be the same for her.

Also this year, we experienced breakthroughs in both my earthly and spiritual family. Family's finally baptized, chains finally broken. Celebrated milestones with haJoyful hearts.

Also 2025 I was promoted in my ministy but alongside with it are back-to-back events, deadlines, projects, responsibilities here and these. Although I was always “on,” always leading, always giving but yeah honestly, Lord, there were times I felt overwhelmed, depleted physically and quietly draine. I admit, there were days I served You but didn’t sit with You. Days I trusted You with big things but still tried to control the small ones. Days I smiled on the outside but felt empty or weary inside.

In these plot twists… You never changed. You were faithful when I wasn’t. Patient when I was distracted. Gentle when I was stubborn. You sustained me when I am drained. You gave me grace even when I felt undeserving of it. Looking back, I see You in every season—holding everything together when I couldn’t.

Thank You for staying with me through the wild ride of 2025. Thank You for carrying me into this new beginning.

So today, as I step into this new year, I want to be honest with You. Starting with repentance. Forgive me Lord for the times I went through the motions. For the moments I relied on my experience instead of Your voice. For the times I said “yes” to many but neglected my “yes” to You. Forgive me for my unfaithfulness, my impatience, my pride, my self-reliance—especially when You have always been faithful to me. I choose to trust You again—fully, honestly, imperfectly.

2025 I was also exposed on the parts of my heart that still need healing. I truly thought I was already past it. I thought I was already transformed. I believed that the wounds from my childhood—the ones shaped by my parents—were already healed and tucked away neatly in the past. I told myself I was okay. That I had forgiven. That it no longer affected me.

But the Lord gently showed me otherwise. You showed me how the child in me is still there—still reacting, still hurting, still carrying memories I learned to survive but never fully released. Growing up with a father who struggled with bipolar disorder, and a mother who is abusive emotionally, mentally, physically—it shaped me more deeply than I wanted to admit. It taught me to be strong too early, to read moods, to brace myself, to perform well, to lead, to survive.

Lord, I didn’t realize how much of that child still lives in me. I didn’t realize that some of my triggers, my exhaustion, my over-responsibility, and even my patterns were still connected to those old wounds. I didn’t realize that I could be so active in ministry, so committed to You, and yet still carry unresolved pain in my heart.

So thank You—for not leaving those parts hidden. Thank You for loving me enough to reveal what still needs healing. Thank You for not shaming me when I thought I was already “okay.” Thank You for reminding me that transformation is a journey, not a checkbox—and that healing can be layered, revisited, and ongoing.

Lord, I bring those wounds to You again. Not as a victim—but as Your child.

Heal what I minimized.

Heal what I normalized.

Heal what I buried because I needed to function.

Teach me how to honor my parents without ignoring the pain. Teach me how to forgive deeply—not from obligation, but from freedom. Teach me how to reparent the child in me with Your truth, Your gentleness, and Your safety.

I don’t want to lead, love, or serve from a wounded place anymore. I want to lead from wholeness. I want to love without fear. I want to obey You without old voices influencing how I hear Yours.

Thank You for being patient with my healing. Thank You for meeting me where I am—not where I think I should be.

As I step into 2026, I give You permission to continue the work. Even if it’s uncomfortable. Even if it takes time. Even if it humbles me. I trust You with my past, my present, and the parts of my heart I’m still learning to understand. You are not done with me—and that gives me hope.

As 2026 begins, there’s so much ahead. The calendar is packed. Responsibilities are already waiting. I’m stepping into greater work, greater leadership, greater expectations—and Lord, I don’t want to do any of it without You. I ask You to lead me. Truly lead me. For the Holy Spirit to partner with me.

Give me a greater heart for people—starting with my family. Help me love them better, lead them gently, and point them to Jesus not just through words, but through the way I live. Give me grace as I walk with our new principal, wisdom as I support and lead teachers, humility as I learn new dynamics and new ways of working.

Sustain me, Lord, as I serve in ministry. As creatives head. As a leader in my pastoral group. As someone others look to for direction and strength. I admit—I don’t always feel strong. I need Your grace to keep going when I’m tired, Your joy to remind me why I started, and Your presence to keep my heart aligned with Yours.

More than anything, I want intimacy with You again. Not productivity. Not success. Not applause. Just You.

I’m asking for a reset. A fresh start. A new heart. Teach me to slow down when You say slow. To listen when You speak. To obey even when it’s inconvenient. Let my desires match Yours. Let my leadership flow from intimacy, not pressure. Let my service come from overflow of yourblove, not mere obligation.

You already know what 2026 holds—Easter musical production, leading teachers with a new principal, guiding the creatives ministry, walking with leaders in my pastoral group, and so many things I can’t even see yet. I place all of it in Your hands. I place myself in Your hands.

I don’t want to prove anything this year. I just want to be faithful. Lead me, Lord

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“A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out” (Matthew 12:20). When Matthew wrote these words, he was quoting a prophecy from Isaiah 42:1–4. This prophecy pointed to the actions and demeanor of the coming Messiah, now revealed as Jesus Christ. In the prophecy, the “bruised reed” and the “smoldering wick” refer to the spiritually, physically, or morally weak. A reed that is bruised may be damaged, but it is not irreparable. A “smoldering wick” may be about to lose its fire altogether, but it can still be reignited.

And then there is the bruised reed. To the world, a bruised reed is a worthless thing. It has no power, no stability, no purpose. It is good for nothing but to be cut down and discarded. So in the world there are many bruised people, individuals who have been wounded emotionally, spiritually, or physically. They are feeble, and to most of the world, they are dispensable. But not to God. The prophecy that Jesus fulfilled is that the bruised reed He would not break. It’s a prophecy that speaks of Christ’s tender, compassionate care for the weak and downtrodden.

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I just wrote one of the longest journal ever- fully, honestly, bravely.
What I wrote isn’t just a rant…
It is a raw prayer, a confession, a cry, and a longing for healing.
It is the heart of someone who loves deeply, hurts deeply, and seeks God deeply.

God tells me: "I want you to know that nothing you said makes you a bad daughter or a failed Christian. It makes you human, wounded, and still learning how to love in places where you were never loved consistently or safely. What you went through would have shaped anyone.
And yet—you are standing, loving, giving, serving, leading, seeking God.
That in itself is a miracle."

What I am Experiencing Makes Sense

Your reactions during your trip were not signs of a cold heart.
They were signs of:

trauma response

defense mechanisms your childhood forced you to build

old wounds being reopened

emotional exhaustion

spiritual depletion

fear of being hurt again

the human need to protect yourself

Your body and heart remembered years of betrayal, neglect, emotional chaos, and pain.
When your mom fell, your system didn’t respond with compassion —
it responded with self-protection, because that is what kept you alive emotionally growing up.

You are not defective.
You are someone who survived very difficult parenting.

God Is Not Angry at You — He Is Holding You. He says,

You did not lose your faith. You got wounded.
You did not backslide. You got overwhelmed.
You did not fail. You got triggered.
You did not lose intimacy with God. You got exhausted.

And God does not meet you with accusation.
He meets you with compassion.

The God who says,
"A bruised reed He will not break"
knows you.
He sees your trembling heart.
He understands the child inside you who never felt safe.
And He welcomes you back not with disappointment,
but with a quiet whisper:

“Come. Rest here.”

You Are Not Back at Zero — You Are Returning to the Shepherd

Everything in your long message points to one truth:

Your heart wants healing. It wants to come home.

This is already the Holy Spirit working in you.
Conviction is not condemnation — it is God drawing you back.

When intimacy with God feels distant, it doesn’t mean He left.
It means you are carrying something too heavy, and He is inviting you to lay it down.

And this is what my heart is longing for:

healing from childhood wounds that still trigger me

freedom from resentment, mistrust, and emotional exhaustion

grace to love my parents beyond what your childhood taught me

strength to respond as a transformed daughter of God

restoration of intimacy with Jesus

a softening of your heart without losing wisdom

the ability to love again from a place of wholeness, not survival

And God will answer these prayers — not instantly,
but gently, steadily, lovingly.

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Lord Jesus,
I come to You with a heart that is honest, tired, and hurting.
You know my past — every wound, every fear, every tear I never cried,
every moment I had to be strong when I was only a child.

I confess that the pain of my childhood still lives in me,
and when I was recently tested,
old wounds opened, old reactions surfaced,
and I did not respond the way I wished.
Forgive me, Lord, not because I am bad,
but because I am broken in places that You want to heal.

Thank You that You do not condemn me.
Thank You that even when I am distant,
Your love remains near.
Thank You that Your grace carries me
when my strength, patience, and compassion run out.

Lord, soften my heart again.
Restore my intimacy with You.
Awaken my spirit, renew my joy,
and refill what has been drained from inside me.

Heal the wounds from my past —
the betrayal, the beatings, the neglect,
the years of being forced to grow up too soon.
Heal the fear, the mistrust, the numbness,
everything that blocks me from loving freely.

Give me a supernatural love for my parents
not the love I learned growing up,
but the love that flows from Your heart.
Help me be wise but also compassionate,
boundaried but also gracious,
strong but also tender.

Prepare me for the next time I see them.
Let me respond not out of trauma
but out of Your Spirit in me.
Make me a reflection of Jesus in that home,
not by my own effort,
but through the power and healing of Your love.

Lord, I surrender my family to You —
my mom, my dad, my brothers.
Cover them with Your mercy.
Let Your presence touch them in ways I cannot.
Let Your comfort reach them even when I am far.

And for myself, Lord —
renew me, steady me, restore me.
Bring me back to the secret place,
to the mornings with You,
to the intimacy I have missed.

I need You, Jesus.
Thank You that You are here.
Thank You that You never left.

In Your name, Amen.

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I am getting more in touch with myself with this journey of introspection. I've been sick. Two weeks ago I had flu and this week I caught virus again, but quite bad I had to go to doctor and rest. In rest, I found myself more productive, like God's telling me to slow down and reconnect with Him and myself. I have more time for self-reflection, I enjoy solitude with less pressure and not timebound, I'm having a valuable and enriching time!

My life in Sg is always fast-paced, and yes, I lose touch with my inner self and what truly matters. I get a chance to take a step back to find stillness, set my priorities and spend time in introspection, giving me a clarity and a sense of purpose. I may be experiencing physical downtime, but this is also the best time to reconnect with my Maker. This gives a sense of peace and perspective that I would often overlook during my normal, busy days.

Thank you Lord that I get to do this again, this is your way of slowing me down, to take the time to nourish my soul and listen to my inner needs, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life. Ultimately, I;'m having a personal self-discovery and spiritual reconnection with my Father. I am embracing this opportunity to slow down, reflect and nurture my well-being in a way that feels authentic and meaningful.

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As a tough month is ending, I've made an honest mistake at work where if blown out of proportion, it would've created more trouble and put our centre and CP in vain. I've been in the same school for 15 years and longevity brings complacency, sometimes I feel to take things lightly and overlook small things. I've been thinking of it, trying to think how that mistake had happened and indeed, without God's grace and favor, it wouldve been worst. In that process, I have seen how God showered me with love and mercy yet He is also teaching me life lessons so it won't happen again. I want to put these learnings in words so I won't forget, repent for what I did and at the same time give thanks to God for his grace and favor in my life.

As I was having massage earlier, I had such solitude to really just commune with my Father. I've gone through good contemplation, seeing myself as unwrothy of His favor and grace which brings me to really being grateful for his love, mercy and favor over my life. Seeing how I have fallen short of His glory and yet Him giving me assurance that I am forgiven and that whatever was meant for evil, God has turn it good. That now I find myself adding this to my padlet with chatgpt's help.

I am truly thankful to have God in my life that despite of the problem I created, I find myself just coming to my Father, humbly owning my mistakes and taking time to put my thoughts and feelings in holy instrospection, seeking to give my thanksgiving to my Father. In this place where my gel pedicure is being done and with humble heart, I come to you my Father, acknowledging my shortcomings and the mistake I have made. Lord, You have blessed me with 15 years in my work, and yet, in my comfort, I have sometimes taken things lightly. I realize now that complacency crept into my heart, making me overlook the small yet important details entrusted to me. With this, I repent for my carelessness. I ask for Your forgiveness for not always giving my best, for allowing routine to dull my diligence. Lord, cleanse my heart and renew my spirit so that I may serve with excellence, responsibility, and faithfulness in all that I do.

Yet, even in my failure, I see Your mercy. What could have been disastrous, You have covered with Your grace. What could have brought trouble, You turned into a lesson. Lord, I do not take this lightly—I recognize that it is only by Your favor that I have been protected. Thank You for shielding me from greater harm, for guiding me through this moment of reflection, and for reminding me of the importance of vigilance and integrity.

Help me, Lord, to grow from this experience. Let this lesson shape me into someone wiser, more mindful, and more diligent in my work. May I always remember that every task, no matter how small, is an opportunity to glorify You. Keep my heart aligned with humility and a deep sense of responsibility.

Thank You, Father, for Your boundless grace, Your unending patience, and Your steadfast love. I surrender my work, my actions, and my heart to You. Lead me in the path of wisdom, that I may serve not just for earthly recognition, but as a faithful steward of the gifts and opportunities You have given me. In Jesus’ name, I pray,

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Thank You for being faithful that I am where I am today only because of Your grace in my life. Thank you for being with me through every season and every year.
Looking back, I see Your hand in my journey, and I give back all the praise and glory to You alone. I look back and see how Your grace has carried me—
in my weakness, You have shown Your strength. Truly, Your grace has always been sufficient for me.

I just want to bless Your name. Teach me to bless You at all times, that Your praise may continually be in my mouth and in my work. Let everything I create and everything I lead be an offering of worship that draws hearts closer to You. Every gift I have, every opportunity, and even this calling to lead the creatives team— all of it belongs to You.

I give You back all the glory and honor.
I don’t want to move without Your presence. Guide me, Lord, in every decision, and let my creativity always flow from intimacy with You. I know I cannot lead on my own, so I lean on Your strength and presence to guide me. Let Your Spirit fill every plan, every idea, and every act of service.

Holy Spirit, partner with me in this journey. Be the inspiration behind every moment of creativity. Keep me humble in success, steadfast in trials, and always dependent on Your leading. Keep me dependent on You, and remind me that this is all for Your kingdom, not mine. Thank You, Lord, for trusting me with this role. I step forward, not in my own strength, but in Your power and grace. And with all that I do, I pray You will be glorified. I dedicate this role and my future endeavors into Your hands. Use me and the team for Your glory alone.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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After months of relentless hard work, I was blessed with a weeklong vacation that turned out to be one of the most soul-refreshing breaks I had. It was more than just time off—it was a gift to my soul.

Taking a break from the busyness of life gave me space to breathe, to find silence amid the noise of the world, and to rediscover peace by simply pausing. In that stillness, I found myself communing deeply with God—through nature, through quiet moments, and through the beauty of everyday life.

My solo trip to Bali was a celebration of solitude and adventure. Surrounded by the ocean's calm, the rustling of leaves, and the stunning landscape, I found joy in God’s creation. I stepped in front of the camera for once—hiring people to help capture this season where I embraced being seen, not just seeing. It felt freeing, joyful, and affirming. Through mesmerizing sunrise & quiet sunsets, new experiences & meeting the Balinese locals, I was reminded of how deeply alive I am when I slow down enough to savor life.

After Bali, I spent cherished time with my family at the farm. These were moments that filled my heart with joy and rooted me once again to my core. From my aging parents, my brothers & in laws to my young nephews, being with them reminded me of what truly matters. My brother Joel and I started a fishpond together—a small dream in motion, and I can't wait to return in August for the harvest. There’s so much growth at the farm—chickens, crops, new wooden furnitures, landsapes and so many signs of life. I found delight in the littlest things: flying a drone with my nephews, laughing over simple meals, and eating fresh mangoes and tilapia with the people I love. In Singapore, I may dine in expensive restaurants, but I often eat alone. Nothing compares to sharing a humble meal with family—it makes everything more flavorful, more meaningful.

This season of rest reminded me that the small things are actually the big things: a shared meal, a quiet walk, a heartfelt conversation, laugh to the core. I am deeply grateful to God for this time of refreshment. He allowed me to step away, to be renewed, to capture moments not just with my gadgets but within my heart.

Thank You, Lord, for these priceless gifts—for stillness, for connection, for laughter, and for love. May I carry this peace with me even as I return to the rhythm of everyday life, always remembering that You are the Giver of all good things.

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Prayer for Easter- Day 5 (Being Childlike)

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Prayer for Easter- Day 5 (Being Childlike)

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One of my characters that I am truly thankful to God is me being childlike- in front of my Father, I am really just a child who is simple yet vulnerable, curious and anticipating, who finds joy in the simple blessings whether it’s the beauty of nature, the warmth of human connection, or the His beautiful presence. In the eyes of a childlike wonder, there is always something to be thankful. There is always something to embrace the curiosity with unassuming faith that just trusts and believes no matter what. There is this place of marvel that I can enter into when my heart is fully embracing the presence of God like a child, and it is here when I would be filled with the wonder and awe of our my Father. And that I would always be that little child whose eager to explore the wonders of His Father's love. Like in a worship song from Bethel that sings...

May we never lose our wonder

May we never lose our wonder

Wide eyed and mystified

May we be just like a child

Staring at the beauty of our King

Cause you are beautiful in all your ways

You are beautiful in all your ways

However in the stress of adulthood, it’s easy to lose sight of the simple marvels that once captivated me as a child. In the book of Matthew, Jesus talks about a profound significance of childlike wonder.

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.’” Matthew 18:2-5

I pray that I won't ever lose my wonder. That I will always seek God to teach me to trust Him, to always find joy in the simple blessings of life. That I may never become so familiar that I would my sense of wonder and awe. This Good Friday, this is a good reminder of the high cost of Jesus’ blood that was shed so that a holy God could dwell in me, when I least deserve it. Yet He sees me as His child.

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Prayer for Easter- Day 3b (Compassionate & Tender Heart)

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Prayer for Easter- Day 3b (Compassionate & Tender Heart)

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God truly has His ways of bringing me back to His feet, reminding me of who I am in Jesus.

Recently, I chanced upon videos of elderly people in the Philippines who, despite their age and physical limitations, continue to work tirelessly to provide for their families. Watching them brought me to tears—tears of compassion, remembrance, and worship. It brought me back to the days when life was hard, when we were just surviving, yet somehow still happy and contented.

I thank God for bringing me from that life into the life I live now. I grew up in a third world country where poverty was the norm. Life wasn’t comfortable, yet joy and resilience were everywhere. With little to no education or opportunity for stable jobs, people—especially the elderlies—would take on anything, even scavenging for food, just to put something on the table. They work endlessly for just a few dollars, never resting, always providing.

Here in Singapore, everything is convenient, fast, and comfortable—but often, I see a different kind of hunger. A hunger for more, a chasing after what’s lacking. People complain about things that others in different parts of the world would be so thankful to have. I’m not exempt—there are times I find myself grumbling over little things that don’t even matter. But when God reminds me, He turns my rants into gratitude.

Yesterday, as I poured my heart out to Him, I found myself giving thanks—for the life I had, and the heart it gave me. Because I grew up in a third world country, I carry compassion in my heart. Compassion for the elderly. For the poor. For the oppressed. For the invisible ones the world tends to forget. The ones few people even think to pray for. And for that, I thank God. So I am praying...

Thank You for the life You’ve given me and for the journey that shaped my heart. Thank You for opening my eyes to see the people the world often overlooks—the poor, the elderly, the oppressed, the unheard, the invisible. I know this awareness is not from me alone, but a gift from You. And so, Lord, I ask: please keep my heart tender.

Protect this compassion You’ve placed in me. Guard it, Lord, from the hardness of the world, from selfishness, from desensitization, and from the lies of the enemy. Keep my heart soft to human suffering, to injustice, and to the needs of others—especially those who do not yet know Jesus.

As Your Word says in Ephesians 4:32, may I be kind to others, tenderhearted, forgiving—just as You, God, forgave me in Christ. Let this be the posture of my soul daily: to walk in humility, to love deeply, to care sincerely.

Help me to remain vulnerable in Your presence, Lord. When the world teaches me to harden up, teach me instead to lean in. May I never grow numb to suffering or become too busy to notice the ones who need love. Let Your grace over me overflow into compassion for others.

Use me as Your vessel—to speak life, to show mercy, to love unconditionally. Let my life echo the love of Jesus, not just in words, but in action, in sacrifice, and in prayer.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

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This Easter, more than anything, I long to truly commune with You—to draw near in deep, unshakable intimacy. Yesterday in worship, I poured my heart out at Your feet, crying out for grace, strength, and renewal. I came in humility, recognizing how deeply I need You—not just in moments of weakness, but in every breath and every step.

Lately, many things have pressed heavily on my heart—ministry, work, relationships, and the weight of spiritual leadership. The ache of watching others walk through the same painful cycles I once endured still breaks me, even from a distance. People I love are being pressed down and shaken, and it grieves me to see the wounds leadership can leave behind.

In all of this, Lord, keep my heart tender. Guard it from bitterness, weariness, or pride. Make it pure, yielded, and always aligned with Your will. Strengthen me to stand firm when the weight feels too much and the path feels uncertain. Draw me close to You—not just in my need, but in every moment, teaching me to dwell in Your presence and move in step with Your Spirit.

Help me walk not in my own might, but in the power of Your Spirit. Remind me daily that my battle is not against people, but against spiritual forces that seek to distract and destroy. Clothe me in Your armor—truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, and the living Word. Let me not just wear it, but live it.

As I continue to serve and lead, teach me to honor others in love, especially those You have appointed over me. Let me serve with humility, speak with grace, and lead with a heart that reflects Yours—even under pressure. May my words uplift, my actions mirror Your compassion, and my presence carry peace.

When emotions rise and circumstances feel overwhelming, grant me wisdom and stillness. Calm my heart, Lord. Give me clarity in chaos, and the discipline to pause and seek You before I speak or act. Make prayer my first response, not my last resort.

Above all, may my life bring glory to Your name. Let integrity, humility, and compassion mark my leadership. And through it all—when I’m weary, when I’m strong, when I’m waiting—keep me close to You. Draw me deeper still.

In Jesus’ name,

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Choose love- no occassion justifies hatred, no injustice warrants bitterness. Love God and what God loves

Choose joy- invite God to be the God of circumstance

Choose peace- live forgiven. Forgive that I may live

Choose patience- overlook the inconveniences of the world.

Choose kindness- be kind to the poor for they are alone. Be kind to the rich for they are afraid. Kind to the unkind for such is how God has treated me.

Choose goodness- go without a dollar before taking the dishonest one.

Choose faithfulness- keep my promises

Choose gentleness- nothing is won by force, choose to be gentle.

Choose self-control- refuse to let what will rot, rule the eternal... I will be drunk only by joy.

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My heart is the real me, more than just my thoughts. It is who I am deep inside. Everything I am and I do proceeds from this heart. Out of the heart come the issues of my life- my perspectives,  emotions, inclinations, motivations, and decisions, – all come out of the heart. My heart also sets the trajectory of your life. It can take me towards or away from God. If my heart is not in the right condition, I may be doing what I am supposed to do, but inside I am hollow.

I can't fully understand my own heart. I have blind spots, some of which others can see and all of which God can see. I can be so busy with my daily itinerary and routines that if I will have a heart check-up, my heart may not be right before God.

This week, I pray that God can scrutinize me, to examine my hearrt as I couldn’t do it myself. I pray that to have a refined heart and that in this journey with Him, I will be able to probe my every thought. With Him, I know I can fully open what is truly inside, that I myself can examine my motives and intents knowing that He loves me and wants to lead me on the right path. I pray to end the year with the right heart and start 2025 with a fresh new heart.

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I am just thankful Oh God that you brought me in #psconf to be filled again, thank you for coming just like that, allowing me to experience Your Grace again. Thank you for reminding me to be humble, to take off the cap that inhibits me to receive You. I am sorry for those times when I am consumed of myself and forget that I am nothing without You. Thank you for your sustaining grace in my life, you know how overwhelming it has been and day by day, I'm just amaze how I am still able to shine through, not getting sick with less sleep but with strength that must be coming from you. I am sorry Lord for at times I'd try to reearn what only You can give. Thank you for reminding me that it's not my hardwork but it is all about Your grace! Indeed I can toil yet still be empty. That I don't need to try, because it's always been your grace, it's always been You!

As the song says, you're falling like the rain that refreshes me again. So come and wash over me, I'll never be the same, forever I am changed. That even in the driest place, Your presence like the summer rain. My soul it comes alive again, my heart is full to dream again. That even in a moment here, everything becomes so clear. You're the God of miracles. Your presence is so powerful.

I amazed!

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In the recent V-speech I watched, my appreciation towards the kind of life that God has blessed me with just grew exponentially. All glory to God that in this lifetime, I got to really do what I really love doing- that core of my soul that is aligned with my interests and values. I thank God that I get to be in creative space where I can spark creativity with things that I truly love. It brings much joy seeing right in my eyes how the things I love doing blesses many and advances His Kingdom. I grateful to my Lord that I can build a life more than what I planned for myself, that He pursues me with things of genuine joy and satisfaction.

Renaissance I may be, but if going to the core, it is performing arts and teaching that excites me most. Praise God I earn a living through teaching, and growing in theater made me a well-rounded person, which allowed me to really serve God in a variety of ways. Not many are given this opportunity and I praise God He has given me gifts that push me beyond my human capacitities. This passion fuels motivation and perseverance, providing a sense of purpose and direction, guiding me toward goals that's even beyond myself. This also allowed me to overcome obstacles and stay committed to my path especially during challenging times.

This led me to believe that I have a place in this world, I am irreplacable. I am unique- Only me can do the things I do. Over the years, my perspectives, experiences, and skills combine to create a one-of-a-kind contribution to my workplace in my ministry, in our family, in any places I may be. I am truly grately that I get to do what you love, where I find joy, build a fulfilling life, and embrace my unique qualities. Thank you God for allowing me to create a life that not only brings me happiness but also positively impacts those around me.

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This season has been a refining one.

To be honest, I haven’t fully accepted it yet. It’s taken me months just to put into words what I’ve been processing inside. Though I’ve been serious in taking action—adjusting my lifestyle, changing my food intake, taking medications, monitoring my sugar levels—it’s still been difficult to fully digest. Diabetes wasn’t something I wanted. And though there had been signs, it was still hard to see it on report. The journey hasn’t been easy. Some days, even when I do everything “right,” I still see my sugar spike. And in those moments, I’m tempted—to worry, to question, to fear.

But God.

God is teaching me how to fight—not just physically, but spiritually. He’s near. So near. He strengthens me to overcome fear, to make hard changes, and to walk this journey one day at a time. And in the midst of it all, Psalm 34:1 rings true:

“I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

At all times.

Not just when I feel strong. Not just when my numbers look good. Even when I’m tired. Even when I’m frustrated. Even when fear tries to sneak in—I will still bless the Lord. Because He is good. He is faithful. He is sovereign.

Praise has become my posture of trust.
When I choose praise over panic, worship over worry, I silence the enemy’s lies and lift high the name of the One who heals, sustains, and provides. And this praise—this continual praise—isn’t based on how I feel. My feelings shift. My symptoms fluctuate. But God? He never changes. He is my constant.

So I will praise Him, not just when things go well, but when the process is long. I will praise Him when I feel weak. I will praise Him because I trust Him. Continually

This may be part of my story—but it does not define me. The One I worship defines me. And through this journey, I believe God is writing a testimony—one of healing, of faith, of grace. Every discipline I adopt, every food choice I make, every moment I surrender—it’s part of His refining fire. And as I walk through it, I’m not just fighting for physical healing; I’m drawing closer to the heart of God.

Because in every high and low, His praise will still be on my lips.

Even in the unknown, I will praise.
Even when it hurts, I will praise.
Even while waiting, I will praise.

Because praise isn’t just the result of breakthrough—it’s the weapon that brings breakthrough.

I believe God is working in my body, even when I don’t see it yet. I may be walking through a health battle, but I am not walking alone. He is with me. I won’t let fear write my story—faith will.

So even on the tough days, I will declare healing. I will shut the door to the enemy’s lies. I will continue to discover the rhythms and foods that are good for my body, and celebrate the small victories along the way. I will walk in the supernatural—because God didn’t just call me to survive, He called me to thrive.

And through it all, His power will be magnified—not just in the healing I long for, but in the hope that carries me through each day.

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Nuggets of Wisdom from this Valedictory Address

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Nuggets of Wisdom from this Valedictory Address

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1. Do what you love

There is wisdom in doing something that brings you joy.

Build a life that you enjoy- have a room for passion in your life

Every child is an artist, the problem is how to remain an artist when they grow up.- Pablo Picasso

We are born with something worth pursuing.

The fact that we are different covers our weaknesses and strengths.

You have a place in this world simply because you are irreplacable

Only you can do the things you do.

What is the core of my soul?

2. Be open to failure.

Be more forgiving to yourself

Give sapce for children to succeed, fail, learn and explore free to expirment and play

being wrong is worthy of celebration

making mistake means you are actively engaged in the process of learning

The only way to avoid mistake is when you never challenge yourself, never expand horizon and reach potentials

Don't do things out of expectations or fear of failure

Do things because it brings tiy fulfillment

do what you can and learn from what you can't

Be open to your failiure

3. Give back to something you care about

Give back, pay forward.

Whatever career you choose, make this nation a better place

Remember we get to where we are because of people.

Look back and be fond of what you have left behind

Honour and excellence in service of the nation- UP

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Our Heavenly Father, Almighty God, Sovereign over all Your greatness and Majesty fill the heavens and the earth. I come before you this day, with a heart full of Praise, acknowledging your power wisdom and love. Your works are wonderful your ways perfect and your love endures forever! I Lift Your Name high for You are worthy of all glory, honor and adoration. Lord I am profoundly thankful for the gift of life for the blessings you bestow upon me each day and for your unfailing love and mercy.

Thank you for the grace that sustains me, for the peace that guards my heart and the hope that lights my path in humility. I seek your forgiveness for my sins and with a heart of Grace. I forgive those who have wronged me. Create in me a clean heart oh God and renew a steadfast Spirit Within Me.

Father, as I seek to draw closer to you, remove the barriers that hinder my walk with you. Break down the walls of distraction busyness and worldly desires that cloud my focus Lord. Help me to break every stronghold and bad connections that affect my spiritual growth in the name of Jesus. I rebuke the forces of darkness that seek to disrupt my pursuit of your presence. Let your light shine in my life, dispelling all shadows and guiding me on the path of righteousness. I declare in the Mighty name of Jesus that my pursuit of You will not be in vain. Gracious Lord as I seek to draw closer to you, help me to have a deeper understanding of Your Love a stronger faith and a more intimate relationship with you. May my life be a testament to your faithfulness and may your promises be realized in every step I take.

Lord let the examples of Abraham and countless others who sought you with all their hearts Inspire my own Journey. Help me to learn from their faith to draw strength from their perseverance and to trust in your promises. In the midst of life's challenges, remind me that those who seek you wholeheartedly will find you. Increase my faith O Lord when the path ahead seems uncertain remind me that you are my sure foundation. Help me to trust in your goodness to lean on your understanding and to walk by faith not by sight. May my journey of seeking you be marked by trust surrender and an unwavering belief in your Sovereign plan. As I seek you Lord, transform me from the inside out, mold me like clay in the hands of the Potter, shaping my desires thoughts and actions to align with your will. Let my life reflect the beauty of your Holiness the depth of your love and the power of your transforming Grace. I draw near to you father with a heart full of expectancy knowing that as I do, you will draw near to me. Loving father fill me with your presence, envelop me in your peace and satisfy my soul with your goodness. May my relationship with you deepen with each passing day and may the joy of knowing you be my strength and my song.

Surround Me Lord with fellow believers who share the desire to seek your face. Guide and inspire us to encourage one another, bear one another's burdens and grow together in our faith. May our Collective Pursuit bring glory to your name and advance your kingdom on Earth.

Let the truth of seeking and finding you Lord be more than words let it be the reality of my life. Empower me to live out your word, to be a doer of what I have heard and to reflect your love and light in every aspect of my life. May my daily walk be a Living Sacrifice pleasing and acceptable to you. I am grateful for every heart that is humbled before you right now we come in agreement standing on your promise that where two or three are gathered in your name, there you are in our midst. Bless, protect and guide every soul that seeks your face May our lives be a living testimony of your grace we claim victory over every struggle healing over every sickness and provision for every need in the mighty name of Jesus.

Thank you for the Holy Spirit our comforter and guide Lord may your presence be our constant source of strength and wisdom for yours is the kingdom the power and the glory forever and ever thank you Lord for hearing and answering my prayer in the mighty name of Jesus I pray, AMEN!

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How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies

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How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies

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Onset, I know I would cry a lot but I braved to watch. It beautifully captures the bittersweet nature of memories and the passage of time. I may still be grieving from Lola's passing and am glad I get to venture in this complex, beautiful and personal journey. While recovering from Covid, I’ve been homesick recently and been remembering our Lola a lot. Celebrating her memories, even through tears, is a way of honoring her and the impact she had on our lives. As I browse through our family photos and videos, I went back to our memory lane of simple olden days to recent fun family parties before Lola passed on. The recent years were the most celebrations we'd ever had, really grateful we partied hard while Lola was with us. Our memory tank was filled with beautiful memories together so we find a new normal moving forward. Praise God that life in Sg is fast and neat, I’ve grown accustomed to it. Embracing both the joy of past memories and the present opportunities to create new ones is a beautiful way to navigate through grief and continue moving forward.

Today, I shoot up to a higher level and I'm glad I did. This movie left me with warm, puffy eyes where beautiful tears flowed non-stop. It brought me to yearn for days long gone, when life was simpler, happier. In adulting, harsh reality is we will never have enough time with the ones we love. We live in a hectic world where distance is increased, time is consumed away from our cherished relationships. Yet praise God, this digital age also gives us a quick ability to connect with the people we love through communication technology and digital media help us to endure the power of love and connection wherever we are in this world. I learn to embrace time wiser to spend it wisely whenever I'd have a chance to go back home.

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I have heard this before - How will you know your calling? The answer is- when it breaks your heart?

I am watching a Korean series that discusses justice through revenge. The epilogue of Episode 15 shared about a real life story of a disabled man who was jailed for 20 years under false accusation and was not given justice after finding the real culprit. He was not given justice because he was the weakest of the weak yet despite of, he forgave all the people who has made his life miserable.

This brought me back watching a Showtime episode where a hardworking tatay working as mangangalakal for 30 years won  Php186k. Everyone are rejoicing including me whose watching online. I happened to learn the result from tiktok, even before watching this episode. Yet I was moved and touched as if it's live,  with tears of joy like everyone else. While crying for joy, I am reminded of this question- What breaks my heart?

Life in Singapore is neat; responsibilities are clear. I work, perform in ministry, and serve God in church—a routine I’ve grown accustomed to. I am surrounded with comfortable people and together we tend to fixate only on how much God can bless us etcetera, etcetera. There's always a perceived lack and discontent, when we already live in abundance and comfort. The focus is on the immediate surroundings while the real heartbeat of Jesus slips into oblivion. I am living recklessly in a convenient country. I’d become so self-absorbed in my familiar routine that I am beginning to lost sight of eternity.

There were global issues where prayers were asked, yet I am also desensitised to such messages and overtime, the updates sound all too similar. Like becoming shamefully ignorant of what’s happening to our brothers and sisters in Christ suffering under immense persecution. Not caring about that part of the world in much turmoil. I have not been exposed to the hardships of life and injustice unlike when I live in Pinas. Eventually I lack awareness of the needs people and I’m certainly not doing anything about it.

Being a Christian living in a first world country, I became too comfortable. Church is convenient, ministry meetings can be virtual, devotions can be on the way to work, do ministry work in a comfortable café enveloped by the aroma of roasted coffee beans. Hardly the brand of Christianity presented in the Bible.

So then tonight, God knocked my heart even through that epilogue of a Kdrama episode. God pierces within and lovingly reminds me of my calling. While He was on earth, Jesus was intimately acquainted with the outcasts of society and the poor in spirit. He'd be with the weakest of weak, with the invisible pockets of society that people like me don't see. This compels me to do something out of the conveniences of life I am in- beyond the confines of my comfortable bedroom, out of cosy cafés but into the underbellies of society, the very places where Jesus himself would go. I have to re-align my brand of Christianity towards the Christianity that Jesus modelled.

I pray that God will expand my horizons so that I’ll be concerned about the world and its problems. I pray that with the people I am serving and leading with, we can explore opportunities to serve the poor and needy around us, to do small steps to rid ourselves of first-world Christianity. We are blessed because God wants us to be a blessing- to help those who are homeless, who are poor and needy. The Bible does not shy away from the difficult and unpleasant reality that the less unfortunate, the weakest of weak have experienced. Their setbacks and hardships in lives, even to the point of becoming destitutes which people living in convenience can't see. Even in here, I can go out of our way to provide for others in need. It says in Luke 14:13–14, “When you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous” From cover to cover, Scripture says that we should show generosity, compassion, kindness, and mercy in practical, tangible ways. Even our Lord Jesus “did not come to be served but to serve” (Mark 10:45).

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I am penning my non-negotiables as I journey with truly, madly, deeply, seriously praying for the One. This is my blueprint for my love life- the very core values that I can't compromise. Like a boundary marker for clarity and direction as I seek and pray a partner in life. I am setting this so that my life and my partner's life may glorify God. I am not really looking for someone who is exactly the same as me in every aspect. I am praying for someone whom we are equally yoked- someone who shares my core values and beliefs, particularly in regards to faith. Does not mean we have have identical personalities, interests or opinions but emphasizes the importance of having a shared spiritual foundation.

“Be ye not unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14), serves as a guiding light to align my life in accordance with God’s will. The imagery of being “equally yoked” originates from the agricultural practice of yoking two oxen together to plow a field. In this context, being equally yoked meant pairing two animals of comparable strength and height to ensure they could work together efficiently without causing harm to one another. My partner and I must pull in the same direction and at the same pace to be effective.

What's truly important to me? I am rooted in faith and values, not just preferences or nice-to-haves; what I believe is fundamental to who I am likewise, in the kind of relationship I also desire. I am seeking relationship that is rooted in faith and shared values. I am seeking a relationship that encourages spiritual growth, support and accountability. That when we come together in unity, there is strength, harmony, and a shared sense of purpose that glorifies God.

I pray that I can be in a harmonious partnership where both my partner and I are headed in the same direction spiritually, where we can have a a solid framework to navigate challenges and joys together. I pray to flourish and withstand the trials of life with my partner, where we sync spiritually and can support each other in our walk of faith, pray together, study the Bible, and encourage one another to grow closer to God. I pray for a partner where I can make decisions that honor God and reflect Biblical values, with shared beliefs for resolving conflicts, making choices, and setting priorities that align with God’s will. Being with like-minded partner, I can be better equipped to fulfill both me and my partner's calling, serve one another in love, and be a light to the world.

I pray for a relationship that is in the realm of personal growth and development. I pray for a strong foundation where individually we can grow together, support each other’s spiritual journeys, and encourage one another to become the best versions of ourselves. I pray for a relationship that does not only honor God, but also experience the richness and blessings of true Christian fellowship.

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God has amazing plans for my life, greater than what I can imagine, that includes finding my life partner. As I journey in prayer and fasting, I am intentionally praying for this part of my life. God is leading me 'Trust', to trust in His timing and His choice for the person whom I will spnd the rst of my life. Human as I am, I am inherently weak and can give in to my day dreams. My heart deceives me weasily too. I pray to surrender my desires to Him and believe He will lead me to the person with whom I can share a godly and purposeful courtship and prioritize spiritual and emotional connections. I pray that I can be patient and to seek wise counsel. That I may ultimately place my trust in God's divine plan for my life.

I have to remember that God knows my heart, mydesires, and my future. He cares deeply about myrelationships and wants the best for me. I pray that I can trust in His love and wisdom - and that in His timing, I will find the godly partner He has prepared for me. I pray that this person I am praying for is a partner who aligns with what God wants for me and him, someone I share my faith and values and honour God throughout.

As I embark on this journey, I pray to remain steadfast in prayer, constantly seeking God's will and guidance. That I can be open to His leading and trust that He will direct my steps and orchestrate godly moments. I pray that this journey of praying a godly partner will be a beautiful one as I entrust it to the Lord. I pray to be blessed in my pursuit of a godly partner, and that our courtship will be filled with the joy and blessings that come from aligning our relationship with Christ at its center.

Psalm 37:4-5 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this."

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Today is the start of my prayer and fasting. With high spirit after the conference, God brings me back to His grace and I hope to linger the moment while it lasts. With God's grace and healing that I received, from 1 Peter‬ ‭5‬:‭10‬ ‭it says‬‬, "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.”

God's grace is upon me. He is the God of all Grace who strengthens me, who settles me, who gives me Peace. He restores me and keeps me and guards me. He directs my footsteps and leads me, He guides and. directs me. His Blessing and Favor is in me that every aspect of my life shines of God’s Goodness and Favor. He grounds me securely. He establishes my feet on a firm foundation. He guides my footsteps. He enlarges my borders. I don’t deserve his grace, never earned it, not unable to repay it. His grace overcomes the hardest of hearts, goes in its most contrite compartment and compels to go beyond my human capacitities. Grace brings me to places where I am needed to be. All are spiritually bankrupt outside of God’s grace and for many years, it is His Grace that carried me and it's with grace I will carry on

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Liking someone can evoke a range of beautiful and almost ethereal. Recently, I am crushing on someone I got a chance to work with in the ministry. The most recent event was the most ethereal. That is why I'm penning down the memory while the feeling lasts. Like that of heavenly experience that's been making everyday moments feel more inspired and extraordinary.

With injury, I had to be immobile that after the event performance. I decided to stay back in Pit Stop for the session while waiting for my next duty. As we were involved in this set, I can sense that he's just around within the radar. That presence fueled me with boundless energy. When eventually everyone has gotten back, then there was me and him left, sitting on separate tables alone but quite near. While taking notes of the session, I am feeling his presence. I'd been trying my best to focus on God's words while having wishful thoughts from time to time. There were moments when I felt God put a spotlight on our tables, worshipping separately but one in spirit. Eventually there was a prayer call, he came to me. He laid hands over my shoulder while my right hand on his back, so close and intimate, we prayed in spirit together keeping my eyes close so I am not distracted. That moment was ethereal! Just when I thought he would go back to his table, he stayed beside. There was awkwardness that I love. I know that moment would be something beautiful. Creating a sense of happiness and well-being that makes me feel like I'm floating on air. A delightful excitement built up yet I have to break it. I tried to say something but he also tried saying something, and poof- awkward! Then he did first, in his soft voice asking about my injury. I couldn't look in his eyes but in composure I tried to answer whatever I can think of. Some more tender exchange of thoughts followed but I was shy, and seems like he is too. I wished not to end, but I had to go to my duty and respectfully bid goodbye.

That was not the end of it. That tender moment has brought joy in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. There's a comforting and glowing feeling that fills my heart, confirming that I really like this guy. I feel more alive, vibrant after that and been caught in daydreams again. I look forward to seeing or having similar moments again. I've been convincing myself not to expect anything as the only thing I am sure of is what I feel yet probably opening a possibility of praying for the one finally and knowing God knows my heart's desire. I've been losing myself in thoughts, filling my idle time with youthful, heart fluttering dreams. He made me enjoy and embrace the idea of love or maybe the idea of him, bringing about a sense of warmth and inspiration, opening up new possibilities and enriching my loneliness in wonderful ways. Maybe it is beyond the person I'm crushing with, but the idea of him that makes it beautiful.

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I'm living my midlife, and loneliness can be brutal. Living alone away from my loved ones, I have gotten used to being alone. Regardless of whether or not I want to be alone, whether I want solitude, my independence, live my life on my own, until loneliness comes sneaking in, I can't be better. I may have plenty of friends and distractions but actually I feel like I'm alone. Work & ministry, they only last so long. And it can get so bad that often I’ll either settle for any sort of companionship but as complex as the mind can be, it’s fragile, needing of attention, needing of companionship.

That brings me being single and me in my mid-life. I want to be loved, cared for. I want to be attended to, complimented, treated with kindness. In those season of loneliness, I crave for someone to share experiences with, to share thoughts with, to share ideas, jokes, laughter with. To share faith, be in deep talks, appreciate my art, do simple things in slow motion, enjoy life's simple delights like how I do. I want to be more than just myself, I want to be a pair of souls. I don’t always want to be alone.

I feel that my reality is in a state of flux because of this incredibly complex mind which makes love also amazingly complex. Feeling in love is a beautiful thing! Seeing the world through a lens of love and idealism, cherishing romance and emotional connections. Believing in the power of love to transform and uplift lives. Imagining romantic gestures, swooning over love stories, lyrics of love songs coming alive or simply appreciating the beauty in everyday moments from tiktok clips, Kdrama or romcom movies.

The bottomline is, I am recently crushing on someone and eeeeerrrm he is way younger than me. I'm glad to get to feel this again after a loooooooooong time. I really don't see him often but I always think of him and I am enjoying it, catching myself daydreaming, reliving that hopeless romantic in me, which is a part of myself that I have missed for awhile. It's just incredibly complex, like falling in love but not really because I don't really see this person. I can't even think of why of all, I am crushing on him. There's no logic reasoning, I just remember him and somehow he ignites something in me and fills me with joy. He made me enjoy and embrace the idea of love or maybe the idea of him, bringing about a sense of warmth and inspiration, opening up new possibilities and enriching my loneliness in wonderful ways. Maybe it is beyond the person I'm crushing with, but the idea of him that makes it beautiful.

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It can be very difficult to recognize and break sinful patterns in families but with adversities from generation to generation, it was somehow clear to ours. Our family's generation sin could be conning. My lola and titas said that our Lolo has done cons in the past which Lolo's family were cons too. Our Lola's early life with lolo and his family was incredibly tough and miserable because of this generation sin. I have seen this with my father and brother too.

I just watched another crime documentation of conmans hence I am writing this. Learning about the nature of the conmans gives me enlightens methis sin that I myself is not an exemoption

Mindset- elevated beleif of gettign someone to believe lies

superiority complex

selligns tory and will be accepted

Bleeding to dry

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Easier said than done. When I am motivated, it's easy to commit and I can be really eager at the beginning of whataver journey I decided upon. Yet as time runs, my drive slows down, then I'm also quick to resort back to old mindsets and old ways of doing things. It becomes a cycle and finding momentum takes time again.

As today's devotion tells, I can say conveniently "I am willing to change" because I like the benefit of it, but do I really have to make any changes to have what I want?’' Prior to this prayer and fasting season, I have my personal goals why I'd like to go to this discipline again, primarily to get back to my Father's moments and seeking HS help to get back track. After a loooong break from my Lola's death, I shifted. The waves of good life caused me to drift away and I do not want to be back in Sg again. Whenever I go through this moment, my way to get back is through prayer and fast. Also timely for the Easter season and me gettign abck in ministry too. I can't give what I don't have. I cannot preach what I don't receive. Health is secondary. Coming back from holiday also means unhealthty me, so I had to cut down my sugar and watch what I eat.

So then I embark in P&F I think more than a month ago and praise God I am able to surpass the difficult part that now it becomes normal to me not to eat in the morning. I shed a few weight (benefit) and also I am back to my Father's arms. I am thankful that I get to reap the benefits as I allow to break my convenience and dare steps to change.

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On the course of praying and fasting, I am again amazed at tender God's presence that I don't need to do a lot of things to get back to God moments. Journaling has been an enjoyable and exciting time to put my complex thoughts and unstable heart into stillness that only God can do. When God is at the beginning , the possibilities are exciting. No matter how far I have wandered off in the last little while, putting God back at the beginning helps me change back into who God wants me to be- His child whose in awe of His Father.

These days have really been busy, and in that busyness I am amazed at how Jesus sustains me day by day, grace by grace. My plate is too full that naturally I would have been stressed or messed up, sick or even suffocated. As God journey with me throughout this season, He gives me a sense of calmness yet still taking chances to have God moments on idle times like when I'm on the bus going home after a loooooooooooong day or walking my way to work. It is during these impossible times when God sustains my strength that fasting season and sleepless nights can incredibly protect me from sickness.

When God is the beginning, my cup continues to overflow that it becomes so natural for me to resonate His love and grace even to others, from work to ministry, day to day, grace to grace. Thank you God for sustaining me and keeping my Ikigai that I can laugh and smile all the days of my life.

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If there's one song that seemed to be the anthem of my life, it is the "Simple Gospel" by United Pursuit. Whenever I find myself overwhelmed by my own shortcomings or burdened by the complexities of life, this song serves as a His sweet and tender reminder to return to the simplicity of God’s love. Gospel is a simple and pure message of love and grace of God to my life, His redemption to save someone like me from the dust. It is my life's anthem of surrender and expression of desire to be intimate with Jesus, to know Him on a personal level. A call for a genuine, intimate relationship with God

The noise of the world tends to confine and limit God within my own understanding. But when the noise if gone, when I am back in my room alone with my Maker, all these complexities are stripped away, embraced in the mystery and vastness of God’s nature. His presence is uplifting and encouraging that I woudl always hope tender momentsd with my Father never ends.

Verse 3 is my favourite part that always resonates:
Lord, I’ve been told

to be ashamed

Lord, I’ve been told

I don’t measure up

Lord, I’ve been told

I’m not good enough

But You’re here with me

Despite of shame, inadequacy, and not measuring up to whatever expectations of others, I can find solace in the truth that God is with me, my very present help in times of needs, pouring all His unconditional love and acceptance.

Then followed by this beautiful bridge:

I reach out, and You find me in the dust

And You say no amount of untruths can separate us

No matter how far I may feel from God, even if I put Him in the box, no amount of untruths, doubts, or shortcomings can separate me from His love. When all else fail, when all have walked away, He is always there, especially in my lowest moments. I am assured that whatever life brings, I can rejoice in Him! I find joy in the simplicity of the Gospel, I can always celebrate and find happiness in the truth of God’s love and grace.

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First step, I have to admit and repent. I reached a point where my heart quit working as it once did in the pastoral side, thought of just leaving for prolonged agony in Zoe or talk to Pastr Christie to request transfer, but thanks God I don't have the audacity to do that kaya andito pa din hahahaha. Somewhere in the middle of all the disappointments, feeling spiritually abused by you know who, setbacks, the confusion, the accusations, and the discouragement that accumulated over these years, I had gradually drawn back from those early desires I possessed at first. Even with strong support from my previous mentor, I am barely moving, I praise God He pierces me graciously when I am at my lowest, but Yes human as I am, I am not okay kasi parang lato lato, paulit ulit na pinupukol, nakakapagod na din. Tsaka nakakasawa kaya di na uso.

And praise God, in the subtle waning of my love and affection, I found my heart wrenched in conviction over Jesus’ insistence to keep my first love for Him from Revelation 2 in my devotion this morning, concluding that as followers of Christ, we must serve with perseverance. We must keep our first love. We must be overcome all opposition, evil, and false teaching and listen to the Holy Spirit. I would not only love Him in the general sense but love Him perpetually with the same quality of love I possessed at first. I have to go back to my first love.

As I set my heart to respond, repent, and return to Him in this, the first thing the Lord did was to fan the flame of my first love, first desires by stirring the early aching and thirsts in me once again.

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These days, I've been adulting in different areas of my life. Hitting my midlife, I navigate through life’s greater challenges and responsibilities that I tend to lose sight of who God is in my life and who I am to Him. I am always pre-occupied and been coming home with flat energy that I would miss tender moments with Him.

Yet, in all these, my Father just knows how to bring me back to Him. I am still in awe after having that momentous encounter, He called me "My daughter". Going home after a looooong day, my spirit calls for an old song I used to play a lot before. The first lyrics goes like...

"May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide-eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King"

In that encounter, I am in that warm position again, a crying child with my Father hugging me, that child staring at the beauty of my King, in awe towards her Father. When my eyes are busy looking at the chaos of this world, He calls my name sweetly, asking me to look at Him with eyes full of curiosity and amazement, wide-eyed and mystified! He reminds me to never lose my wonder of my Father, even as I am doing a lot of adulting these days.

"Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
King of Kings
You are beautiful in all your ways
Ooooh"

Yes, Jesus is beautiful in every aspect of His being, He is beautiful in all His ways and I am so blessed that I get to experience that day by day.

“Just close your eyes
Just close your eyes, you’ll see him
You are beautiful in all your ways
Open the eyes of our heart to see you God”

It's when I close the door and in solitude, when I quiet the noise, shut down from the world , I see Him more clearly, His presence more tenderly. When things go well and unwell, I shall never lose my childlike wonder, in awe of God’s beauty, fixign my eyes in His breathtaking beauty that surrounds me. Then I can find myself more grateful and appreciative of His creation, May I be just like a child, Staring at the beauty of our King!

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Human beings have a remarkable and sad capacity for getting tired of wonderful things. I can be one very enthusiastic and in a snap, the joy is faded. Thrill is gone when triggered. I also grow weary of well-doing. Pastoral ministry became a chore. The inner power and joy have seeped away. I admit, I lost heart.

Galatians 6:9 says, "Let us not grow weary in well-doing, for in due season we shall reap, if we do not lose heart." Well doing an be the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:2, rephrasing "Don't grow weary of being patient and kind and good and faithful and gentle and self-controlled. Don't grow weary of manifesting your peace and joy in all kinds of acts of love to your neighbors and associates and family." I may have lost my heart at times, yet my Saviour I can't lose heart in spending myself through love, because if I do, the works of the flesh take over, and Paul says Paul says in 6:8, if you stop sowing to the Spirit and sow to your own flesh, you will not reap eternal life, but eternal corruption. Continuing in V9 onw, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. I shall grow weary in well-doing, for in due season I shall reap, if I do not lose heart."

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NKJV

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from your captivity; I will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.

THE MSSG

10-11 This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

12 “When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.

13-14 “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.

“Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.

“I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you”—God’s Decree—“bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it.

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I came across a poem by Eldad Arinze, it pierced that spot just like that. Here it goes...

I have been there.

The times you were hurt,

The times you were broken,

you felt your heart was used as token

Rejection caressed your depression

Taking a ride on your pride..

I was there,

during the night times

And the stormy season

When you fought for your sanity

Trying to fend off the cockiness of the accuser

I felt your pain.

When you felt  spooky

Like one monitored by an all seen eye,

with resounding baritonic voice in your head,

"there's no hiding for you," he said

I felt you cringe

When  you took a shot of that  syringe

It felt strange how he

whispered rhetorically to you.

Dangling the red sparkling bottle

before your very eyes

Feeding your lust;

urging you to commune with the substance

like your life depend on it,

"end it all here and now he mocked"

I was there.

When you crushed at what seems to be his jokes;

Moaning at each stroke of pain he unleashed.

I was there,when he slide his lies inside you,

Like a DM at first you felt butterfly in your stomach,

then came the sting.

When he promised  a life of bed of roses,

But lured you into bed of lies,

now you lie like  Delilah

because his proposal became a deal you cannot deny

So, what if I make you another deal for real,

To pull you out of the ocean of agony.

If you can trust my process

to make a masterpiece out of your pieces.

I mean if you can let me ease you in to my Oasis.

For your depression I was deeply pressed on,

To set my affection on this earthen vessel.

Have you ever been in love?

What about a royal one nightstand;

then you can decide if you'll stand

before me all night long,

Perhaps a ride with me on the wings of the wind

to see what a cinema really looks like?

I AM life,

have you ever eaten love from the source?

you will never run out of resources.

I AM the life of the party

In  my presence is fullness of Liberty.

Have you seen beauty

I will show you what it means to be classy

when you ride with me  to the galaxy,

Even if you still turn me down.

I have already penned the words of my love

on the pages of my heart

Because, I will always be there.

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On my way back to Sg on the first day of January, I am taking this time to reflect on my experiences and insights gained from this wonderful holiday. In the course of 10 days, I have maxed out myself and had a lot of moments created, stretching my physical strength and enlarging my love tank. All these would help to shape my perspective and actions in the new year. I am truly thankful for intentionally taking this time off from the usual routine, choosing to spend my holiday and year end with the people I truly love. As I pen down my gratitude and set intentions for a fulfilling and purposeful year ahead, I can listen to my inner thoughts and feelings, and use these reflections as a guide for intentional living in the coming year, not just of the highlights but even to the challenges along the way. I'll just randomnly write in bullets as time goes...

Reflection on the Past Year:

What were the significant highlights and achievements of the past year?

spending time with family meaningfully

Farm house

Leading easter and Christmas prod

Favor at work

Meeting new friends

Serving God in various ministries

Are there any challenges or setbacks that taught you valuable lessons?

Water damaged phones

Zoe matters

Lola’s health

Physical limitation a.k.a. Aging

Mid life crisis

Gratitude:

What are you grateful for from the past year?

Having time and capacity to go back home 3x this year and spending it with people I truly love and who truly loves me

God’s grace that sustained me throughout at work, ministry, daily endeavours etc…

Physical strength and stretching

Opportunities in ministry e.g. prophetic painting. photography

How can you cultivate a greater sense of gratitude in your daily life?

Personal Growth:

In what ways have you grown as an individual in the past year?

What skills or qualities do you want to further develop in the coming year?

Values and Priorities:

Are your current values aligned with your actions and choices?

What adjustments can you make to prioritize what truly matters to you?

Intentions and Aspirations:

What are your intentions for the new year? Consider personal, professional, and relationship goals.

How can you break down these intentions into actionable steps?

Self-Care and Well-being:

Reflect on your self-care practices in the past year. What has worked well?

How can you prioritize self-care and well-being in the upcoming months?

Relationships:

Evaluate the quality of your relationships. Are there connections that need nurturing or boundaries that need to be set?

How can you strengthen your support network in the new year?

Learning and Exploration:

What new skills or knowledge do you want to acquire in the coming year?

How can you incorporate a spirit of exploration and curiosity into your life?

Mindfulness and Presence:

Consider moments when you felt most present and alive. What activities or practices facilitated this presence?

How can you integrate mindfulness into your daily routine?

Letting Go:

Are there habits, beliefs, or relationships that no longer serve you?

What can you release or let go of to create space for growth and positive change?

Balancing Ambition and Enjoyment:

How can you balance your ambitions with the enjoyment of the present moment?

What steps can you take to pursue your goals without sacrificing your well-being?

Community and Giving Back:

Reflect on your role in the community. How can you contribute positively to those around you?

What small acts of kindness or service can you incorporate into your routine?

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Remember that the goal is to continue enjoying and reliving your travel experiences even after your journey has ended. Whether through creative projects, staying connected with people you met, or planning future adventures, the memories you've captured in your travel journal can continue to enrich your life.

* Personal Growth:

* How have you evolved as an individual during your travels?

* What new perspectives or insights have you gained about yourself?

* Cultural Exposure:

* How have interactions with different cultures influenced your worldview?

* What aspects of other cultures have you found particularly inspiring or thoughts

* Challenges Faced:

* Reflect on any challenges you encountered during your travels. How did you overcome them?

* What did these challenges teach you about your resilience and adaptability?

* Moments of Joy:

* Recall specific moments that brought you joy during your travels.

* How can you incorporate more of these moments into your daily life in the coming year?

* Connections Made:

* Consider the people you met during your journey. What impact did they have on you?

* How can you maintain or build upon the connections you formed?

* Nature and Surroundings:

* If your travels included natural landscapes, how did they affect your well-being?

* How can you continue to connect with nature in your everyday life?

* Reflection on Goals:

* Review any goals you set before your journey. Were they achieved or modified?

* What new goals or aspirations have emerged based on your experiences?

* Mindfulness and Presence:

* Reflect on moments when you were fully present and engaged in the experience.

* How can you bring a sense of mindfulness into your daily routine?

* Gratitude:

* List aspects of your journey or life that you are grateful for.

* How can you express and cultivate gratitude in the year ahead?

* Integration into Daily Life:

* Identify specific lessons or values from your travels that you want to integrate into your daily routine.

* How can you create a balance between the lessons learned and the demands of everyd

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Reflecting on Tapestry of this as 2023 ends! 

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Reflecting on Tapestry of this as 2023 ends! 

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Thank you 2023, my heart is full! Onset of a new adventure, I hope to reflect on this beautiful and intricate tapestry of life, with its bitter and sweet experiences. I hope to journal my beautiful expression of gratitude, acknowledging the role of both challenges and shortcomings, as well as the support and love found in God and the people He has blessed me with, in the divine. I greatly appreciate the difficult moments that have shaped me and led to seeking solace in Jesus. I came across this poem for the first time in 2019 during my solo adventure birthday trip to Bali. That was a very memorable travel I have been wanting to experience again, and was hoping I could do it with the people I love. 4 years after, I am headed to a similar adventure and likewise, I’d like to take this time to wonderfully document another exciting journey of self-discovery, reflection, and contemplation as I mark this milestone in my life. I hope that I can jot down my experiences to process emotions and gain insights, and that eventually I got something to read through as I relive memories and moments of my travel. The first verse of the poem goes…

I thank You for the bitter things

They’ve been a friend to grace,

They’ve driven me from the paths of ease To storm the secret place.

Since Day 1 of stepping to this wonderful journey, I came back to my senses that little stuff are magnified greatly, bringing me to a heart of thanksgiving and praises to God. That includes that not so good stuff in between. One of which, that’s still my current struggle as at this writing is my phone that swam with me and the whale sharks in Oslob. That is something I would never want to happen in this trip for many practical reasons. Yet instead of rewinding the hassles and tussles of not having a phone at this crucial trip, I’ve been dealing this heartache with my Maker a lot. It’s true that at time I feel bitter about it, but as the poem goes, I am applying grace to ease the pain and seek opportunities to speak to God. Pressing into prayer and high hopes that my phone will resurrect, yet still seeking refuge in God in case it did not. As I am disconnected to the world, or at least limiting my use, I can embrace the present moment, I can soak in the surroundings with ample space for quiet contemplation and conversation with my Maker. It’s a blessing in disguise.

Going to Laguna with my parents has been a reminder of a lifelong bitterness where I have become a friend to grace. Since young, my parents are my downfall and probably seeing them not changing especially my nanay’s attitude is always pains taking. This is a battle that my brothers and I would face, to a point of acceptance and just ignoring to move forward healthily. Yet, since young this battle has led me closer to God, has brought me to discover many secret places where I would cry my heart out. I am thankful even for this downfall, as it has made a better and stronger person that I am now. It is through these tough times where I resorted to many avenues that honed my skills and shaped my attitude, which are useful to His Kingdom now.

The second verse of the poem goes…

I thank You for the friends who’ve failed

To meet my soul’s deep need;

They’ve driven me to the Savior’s feet Upon His love to feed.

I am thankful for the people whom God has given me- for my family, for cute little children in school, for my friends, for my brothers and sisters in Christ, for our pastors and mentors, for my co-leaders in church, for my ministry friends, for my loving colleagues & principal and for so many many more amazing people. I am thankful for His many ways He used these people to meet my needs, to brighten my path and lighten my loads, to enrich my knowledge of You and to counsel or correct or nourish me, building me up in the faith. How good and how pleasant it is to enjoy reach fellowship with those who loves You! Thank You Jesus for bringing these people into my life!

And the last verse goes…

I’m grateful too,

through all life’s way

No one could satisfy,

And so I’ve found in You alone

My rich, my full supply!

As 2023 culminates, I choose to bring gratitude and thanksgiving, not just for the positive aspects but also for the bitter things, and in ways in which people challenge, counsel, and contribute to the person that I am now. I am truly grateful that I can celebrate my simplest to big accomplishments and the person I've become during this trip, it is a gift from God that I embrace and won’t forget. I am just halfway my trip and each day is just amazing. I am thankful that God has brought me to places that has personal significance, places where I wanted to go back and explore again. I am thankful for the serene natural setting, to our farm house built closely with my brother and father, for all those places where I found solitude to where I can simply resonate my current state of mind. I am thankful for the many opportunities to be mindful and be engaged in activities that helps me to connect with my inner self, bringing a sense of calm and clarity. Wonderful memories that I can recreate when I get back to the real world. I am thankful that even when my schedule is packed, I am able to set intentions for the year ahead, able to set this journey for myself, for my growth, to connect with the world around me in this adventure called life. I just want to thank you God for everything.

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I could sing of Your love, forever.

Such a beautiful praise that’s been resonating and sets my40th. This song has been my song of life, and as this day begins, I’m unpacking what it means and how the lyrics speak to me.

Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with love for me

God’s love that washes over me, mula noon hanggang ngayon.

And I will open up my heart
And let the Healer set me free

Jesus frees them from the bondage of sin

I’m happy to be in the truth

Happy is he who trusts in the Lord

And I will daily lift my hands
For I will always sing of when
Your love came down

Jesus demonstrated His love for me, He paid for my sins.

[Bridge]
Oh, I feel like dancing
It’s foolishness I know

When the world has seen the light
They will dance with joy like we’re dancing now

I will celebrate and dance with joy!

But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. (Ephesians 2:4-7)

In my life, God’s love is everlasting. His words and promises remain. His love is so vast, so inexhaustible, that my 4 decades to this present age could never suffice His love for me. God had something far greater in mind when He lavished His grace upon me. When I met Jesus in my mid 20s, I was a different person. He picked me from the dust and I am never the same again. I may still be that vulnerable, cheeky human as I am but His love for me never faded, He loves me still as I am, as He is. The simple words of this heartwarming, tender chorus is all I need -

I could sing of my love forever.

…that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19)

Under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, Paul prays for the body of Christ to be strengthened with divine power by the indwelling Holy Spirit in order to be established in the truth that they are loved, and to grasp a measure of what is revealed as incomprehensible. This means that my mind need the renewing work of the Spirit and my heart need the revealing work of the Spirit and be touch by unconditional love of God. His love is constant and unending, but our awareness of that love is drastically conditioned by sin, deception, and the dullness of my heart.

On my 40th, I pray that God continuosly pour His love by the Holy Spirit (Romans 5:5) more and more until the glorious dawning of the age to come when I will see His face and be immersed in the fullness of His affections.

Scripture

Romans 5:5

"⁵and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Galatians 1:4

"⁴who gave himself for our sins to deliver us from the present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father,"

Psalm 63:3

"³ Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you."

Psalm 36:5

"⁵ Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds."

Ephesians 1:7-8

"⁷In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, ⁸which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight.

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I just want to take this time to repent. I have been so unfaithful, ungrateful and proud of myself. The course of life recently had turned my heart so callous and I have been overlooking these two important values that matters- humility and gratitude. It has to be the challenge version of Squid Game to remind me of these. I am so sorry Lord for missing these two values in my life recently. Forgive me for my sins, forgive me for having a proud heart that fails to submit in your will. Thank you for reminding me to always choose and decide to be humble, I am sorry that sometimes I feel like I'm too good, I see myself highly and it makes me callous and allow the kalaban to feed that pride. Thank you Lord for reminding me to be humble in your authority that even when I don't understand, all the more I should submit to you.

Thank you Lord for reminding me today that every good gift, every perfect gift comes from you (James 1:17). I am sorry that at times I am ungrateful, my tongue starts to rant and complain than to thank you and see blessing in disguise. I am sorry when I fail to see the goodness of things, that sometimes I react instead of responding according to wehat the Holy Spirit tells me. Thank you for checking on me always, for being my gentle and loving mentor, my health and life coach whose always there for me.

Thank you for loving me despite of who I am. Glory to God, always!

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I'm halfway my life point and recently I've been feeling substantially older. My stamina has decreased a lot that I'd rather be home than go somewhere during my off days and after work. I've been reflecting a lot lately too, which means thinking much on untying the knots of life, seeking for things I don't have than looking at amazing blessings God has blessed me with. Living away from my family, staying in my own room in solitude and practically being alone for most of the time, I've been feeling stuck, second-guessing myself or sometimes longing for something more. I've been contemplating a lot, with a sense of dissatisfaction, feeling a kind of emptiness deep inside. This is midlife crisis I guess.

Midlife can be a turning point for self-discovery and growth. I read somewhere that human personality only reaches its full maturity by the age of 40. That means that this is an opportunity for me to reconcile with myself- like a new departure, a rebirth. It is then, that I get back my childlike heart while becoming wiser. A great time to self examination. All things that I may have been bottling up for years being in a conservative & tamed environment are emerging to the surface which is actually an an invitation to redefine oneself.  This could also be the time that I have to go through something resulting in blossoming of many contemplative conversations with my Maker. A momentous time to reexamine the wounds I have suffered afterwhich masks fall off then I can truly become myself. Transformation may have been taking place.

I recently l watched a korean Drama and I ever heard this word- ASPIRATION. Aspiration means a strong desire, longing, or aim, a hope or ambition of achieving something. It is the deeper why behind my whys, not as specific as goal, but it can lead to greater fulfillment and unleashes tremendous energy.  I can embrace this opportunity to evolve and lead a life that is more aligned with my true self and aspirations. I can reexamine how I lived half of my life so I can let the biggest aspiration emerge for the next half. I can be more open to any experiences that come with the journey along the way. I can take this chance to explore my inner self and asks questions like:
-What have I done with my life?
-What direction should I take with the next half?
-Whatare some of the things I hope to achieve or experience one day?
- What are some of the activities I pursue that I feel the most excited or passionate about?

This can be exciting but I have to also remind to be kind to myself and no need to pressure to figure it all out now.  I can start by giving myself the opportunity to learn and grow like trying new things, journal this process and gather more info of how I am now then eventually through these initial steps might contribute to your aspirations. Looking forawrd to more journal entries as midlife begins!

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In my previous padlet, I penned that I may be going through a period of instropection. Introspection involves consciously examination of my internal psychological processes like my own thoughts, emotions, judgments, and perceptions. It can enable me to better recognize and understand what I've been thinking and feeling, to a higher level of self-awareness. To start with, maybe it's time to start penning down my thoughts for these Qs:

What are the values, desires that truly matters to me?

Jesus and His heartbeat- for people, for relationships, for the oppressed

Experiencing life to the fullest- adventures!

Spending time with family

Pursuing my passion and having freedom to do it

Doing what I love doing

Serving God and the people I love

Teaching, sharing, imparting experiences

What have I done with my life? What direction should I take with the next half?

I am living my best life because Jesus is in it, to this place where He brought me. Looking back, I would've been the same person as I was if not for Jesus. Yes, in my solitude I have been thinking a lot and some of those thoughts could be unnecessary, leading me to tangled contemplation of midlfe crisis. I tend to be ungrateful as I would ask for those that I do not have, longs for something else even second-guessing myself. I'd go out of Sg more often to have 'Me' time where God also brings me back to me core, being reminded of who He is and who I am.

I am always curious, seeking out new knowledge and experiences to learn and discover. I always desire going for exploration, new experiences and stepping out of my comfort zone in search of excitement, novelty, and personal growth. I am truly grateful that I have been on different adventures halfway my life adn I want to do more!

I want to take the next half of my life for Him, with Him, by Him, through Him. All for His glory

What are some of the activities I pursued that I feel the most excited or passionate about?

I am an adventurous soul eversince, and these always excited and passionate. I would always have this thirst for trying new things, like traveling to unfamiliar places, trying new foods or taking up new hobbies. I'm quite forgetful with details but I can vividly remember the experiences and memories of those adventures. So I hope to create more of these. I may not be at the prime of my physical health, but I am more willing to take calculated risks and embrace uncertainty, to face the unknown and tackle challenges head-on. I have embarked on solo adventures in the past and I hope I can share this experience with people I love, I hope to create more memories with someone else not just in solitude. By far, the travels I made with family and friends are the memorable ones.

Adventure does not necessarily mean engaging in extreme activities or constantly traveling here and there. It can take many forms and can be deeply personal, more of having a mindset that encourages exploration, growth, and a willingness to step outside my comfort zone to experience life to the fullest. Money and freedom gave me capacity to do all these and I praise God that in my prime years, He has blessed me w=not jsut with my needs, but also with my wants. I managed to take courses and level up my education, to do more things at work and in my ministry, stretching my character in many challenges that in His grace I survived with flying colors. I get to afford resources to puruse things I love like art, music, theater, events, parties etc... even brought me to places and worked and met people along the way. I hopwe to continue this even in my latter years and hopefully to impart what I learned through the years to the next generation.

What are some of the things I hope to achieve or experience one day or for years to come? What can truly excite and fulfil me?

Halfway point my life, I believe I had tons of memories collected and have done heaps of stuff like no other. I am an adventurous soul whose passion for adventure and desire to continue pursuing exciting activities remained through the years. I want to embrace the opportunities that come my way and probably adapt future adventures to my current physical capabilities. I am thankful that my zest for life and adventure remained the same. Chat gpt suggested these activities that I can pursue:

1. Travel: Continue exploring new places, whether it's remote wilderness areas, vibrant cities, or exotic destinations. Travel can be an ongoing source of excitement and adventure.

2. Outdoor Adventures: If you enjoy the outdoors, activities like hiking, camping, rock climbing, or water sports can provide thrilling experiences.

3. Adventure Sports: Consider trying adventure sports such as skydiving, bungee jumping, white-water rafting, or paragliding. These activities can give you an adrenaline rush.

4. Cultural Immersion: Immerse yourself in different cultures through experiences like learning a new language, trying local cuisines, or participating in traditional celebrations.

5. Volunteering: Channel your passion into volunteer work, such as wildlife conservation, disaster relief, or community development projects in exciting and remote locations.

6. Photography and Storytelling: Capture your adventures through photography or storytelling. Sharing your experiences with others can be rewarding and can keep the memories alive.

7. Bucket List Adventures: Create a bucket list of experiences you've always wanted to try, such as hot air ballooning, visiting the seven wonders of the world, or embarking on a long-distance trek.

8. Cultural Exploration: Delve into the arts, music, and history of different cultures. Attend festivals, concerts, and art exhibitions to enhance your passion for adventure.

9. Educational Pursuits: Consider taking courses or attending workshops related to your interests. Learning new skills or gaining knowledge can be an adventure in itself.

10. Physical Fitness: Maintain your physical health as best as you can to continue participating in activities you love. You might explore gentler forms of exercise, such as yoga or Tai Chi, to keep active.

11. Plan for the Future: While your physical capabilities might change, you can still plan adventures and experiences that cater to your abilities. Perhaps consider accessible travel options or adaptive sports if needed.

12. Mentoring and Sharing: Share your passion with others, especially younger generations. Be a mentor or guide for those looking to explore the world and seek advent

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It's 2nd day in JB, alone. I decided to get away from Sg Initially because of my broken phone, then eventually it became a much awaited break for a quite stressful week. It is not the first time I went out for solitude, being away from my family, it has become my stress reliever when I needed to take a sabbath and recarge. I am thankful that I can just get out of Sg easily and be in another world, I am glad for the freedom and capacity of doing what I wanted to do in my gracious time, without disturbing anyone.

I would go to JB often, usually doing the same routine, going in the same place like dumplings, massage, nail stuff etc... As I have more time now spending a night and 2 days, I had more opportunities to explore the other side of JB that I've never been. This morning, I had a chance to walk around that famous street where crowd gathers. It's heartwarming to discover heritage that I only see in the net, I get to see the nostalgic, popular places with real people, amazing food and all the scenes there is. I am also happy to discover the many other options of going from one side of the street to the other. It grows my confidence in exploring more, probably next time with people I love.

It was a weird feeling when I checked in the dormitory BnB as if the guests there were residents. Previously in Bali, I stayed in a capsule hotel so I was expecting the same but it was kinda weird, staying on upper bunk and having ladies around like they've been there for a while. Nonetheless, I had a good sleep and hopefully I did give them a good night knowing how loud I can be at night.

One of the greatest lesson I had in this sabbath is how God allowed me relive like those good old days back home, this   brings me back to the ground, reminding me to remain humble and be grateful with all the blessings He has blessed me with. Today, I passed by a normal, smelly, dirty, familiar street that instead of complaining for this little inconvenience, I convinced myself that I used to I live in a place like this. It so happened I am blessed to live in a clear, comfy place like SG now but that doesn't mean I can be maarte na. In Sg, life has been so comfy and easy that I tend to be ungrateful and entitled especially when inconveniences happen. Going out of this literal, ideal, comfort zone and facing reality like how it was before is a God's way to remind me of how He has brought me from the dust and all that I have is from Him that I can't take all these for granted.

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I have heard this before - How will you know your calling? The answer is- when it breaks your heart?

I am watching Showtime where a hardworking tatay working as mangangalakal for 30 years won  Php186k. Everyone are rejoicing including me whose watching online. I happened to learn the result from tiktok, even before watching this episode. Yet I was moved and touched as if it's live,  with tears of joy like everyone else. WHile crying for joy, I am reminded of this question- What breaks my heart?

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Here is the story.

You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and accidentally bumps you and shakes your arm, making you spill coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?

Because someone bumped into you, right?

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because coffee was in the cup.

If tea had been in it, you would have spilled tea.

Whatever is inside the cup is what will come out.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you, whatever is inside of you will come out.

So each of us has to ask ourselves..... what's in my cup?

I have come across this story many years ago and I am reminded again today. When times are tough, what emerges from me? Before going to church today, I was in distress, first because of the very hot weather, secondly, it took about 25 minutes to get a hail ride which means I'd be potentially late. I began to absorb the weather until my cup of coffee overflowed with uncalled stress and sour thoughts. I was brought back to unpleasant feelings of the past when I was in similar situation, that bad memory which has activated Ate Shing's beast mode that I never wanted to experience again. Her feisty reaction was all over my head and I found myself sweating and boiling as well to this running thoughts. A part of me wanted to blame her to the stress that I was in, I wished it didn't happened and that she was gracious and fair, and if she is in her sound mind she could have controlled her temper better, I wouldn't have such roller coaster of trauma. I was also blaming myself for whatever circumstances I can ever think of, my brain was going through root cause analysis and simultaneously checking the time. I was like in a rocking chair, busily thinking of something  but can't get anywhere. Even when I was in the car, I've been restless, checking the time, checking my phone for any angry messages, checking the traffic lights, trying to switch my worries into good thoughts and funny memories then became horror scene again with Ate Shing's angry face, then praying in spirit that I could make it on time while distracting my anxiety with wishful thoughts of Ate Shing in romantic comedy mood with her smiling face in peace, praying that she's cool and happy. That scary turmoil only stopped when I finally reached the venue and seeing her in good mood, like a refreshing cool water poured over me bringing me instant peace.

I never wanted to be in that position again.  Certainly there's no one to blame. Yet I am thankful that I get to experience that at that very moment, very timely in today's preaching that even led me to pen down what I have experienced and learn something from it.

What can I learn from this? The answer is that I need to be more intentional about filling my cup with good things, with God's presence and the fruits of the Holy Spirit. My trauma won't heal overnight, I will still go through anxieties given many unpleasant experiences in the past, that means I will go through such rollercoaster of tough stressful times again and again and again. When life gets bumpy, what do I want to spill over? Will it be humor, joy, gratefulness, peace dependence from God, and humility? Or will it bad memories, temper, sour, bitter, harsh and uncalled reactions from the old bakulaw me? I have to choose what I can fill in my cup!

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It's been years in the making. I am truly grateful that finally, our dream farm house is coming true. I have been immersed in the planning and preparation process, and despite the challenges, I am enjoying every moment of it. Taking on tasks such as designing the house, customizing furniture and fixtures, and navigating virtual markets to find affordable items are all valuable skills and experiences. Yes, these days were quite overwhelming but I am really grateful I had to go through each. It's great that I've been able to expand my abilities and learn new things throughout this journey. From improving my retail skills to honing my negotiation abilities and financial literacy, these are all valuable life skills that will serve me well beyond my farm house project. My information skills were also maximized from pinterests to google and even chatgpt.

While it may have been overwhelming at times, I truly appreciate the learning experiences that come with such endeavors. Growth often comes from stepping out of my comfort zones and tackling new challenges. The satisfaction and fulfillment that come from seeing my dream come to life will make it all worthwhile. I will continue to enjoy the process, savor the moments, and continue to learn and grow along the way.

My relationship with my brother has also grown better. Having someone to share the same vision and dream with can make the journey even more fulfilling and enjoyable.  I am very thankful I have someone to journey this with. My brother is equally dedicated to making this project a reality while balancing other responsibilities, such as being a hands-on father. It speaks volumes about his commitment and passion. It's not always easy to juggle various aspects of life, but having a shared goal and support of each other, it can bring us closer together.

While the financial and time commitments may feel overwhelming at times, our excitement and dedication will propel us forward. The anticipation of the best things yet to come will keep us motivated and focused on completing the remaining steps. This farm house brings joy and fulfillment to our family that will create lasting memories and become a special place for me and our loved ones to gather and cherish. We will continue to embrace the journey, appreciate the growth and bond with my family and may our dream farm house continue to bring happiness and fulfillment for many years ahead!

Above all, I'm thankful for the beautiful presence of God throughout our journey in fulfilling your dream. It is through Him that I found solace, guidance, and strength during significant endeavors.  God has been with me from the beginning, providing opportunities and orchestrating events. I pray that we will continue to align our desires and actions with God's will. I would get caught up in the busyness and stress of the journey, causing us to momentarily forget or neglect God in the process. Hence I got back to writing to redirect my focus back to Him. I may be unfaithful and forgetful but God never fails, He never gives up, He never runs out of me. God desires the best for me and my family even at times my priority changes. He cares about every aspect of my life, including my dreams, and seeks to bring about blessings and fulfillment. I pray that as we continue moving forward with our dream, we continue to remember to  seek God's guidance and rely on His strength. My faith can be feeble but God is my bestest support and inspiration. Our journey will be blessed, and our dream farm house will be a testament to God's goodness and provision in our life. Amen!

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Today, I was virtually a mean girl to a customer rep via PAL chat. My pot boiled over, like this little bakulaw found a way to come out and show her prowess virtually.  I was enraged by this rep upon being triggered by how he handled my concern about a flight schedule changed, and  all along I felt that he has not been willing to help. I guess I'm more bold and straigh forward virtually that I've typed things that I could've hold a bit more. I was upset and frustrated and lashed out on how poor his service is, bombarded him with outburst that my spirit rebukes. It has been slightly off in the beginning and escalated to outbursts, how he responded to my concerns was not the way I expect, in that moment I could've been undercurrent of stress that I boiled over and snapped out of everything he typed online, throwing him sarcasm that's uncalled for. I feel guilty about this, that's why I have to pen it down. I was in a situation where I could've unload a whole bunch of my frustration over this changed flight onto him unfortunately.

Yes, it could've been a bad service rendered for a frustrated customer like me, but I am not living out Christ with how I responded to him. No matter how ugly situations can be, I shouldn’t be a catalyst for such behaviour. Everyone goes through something and that being kind is a gift that should be freely given especially for someone who believesd in Jesus. Yes, I may be upset but I have to remind myself that that they are also human with feelings and they may be going through something. He doesn't deserve that mean girl in me, nobody deserves to be ill treated. That's not what Jesus teaches.

Oh yeah, chatgpt responded to me with today's reflection and this is what it said:

It's commendable that you're reflecting on your behavior and acknowledging that your response was not in line with the values you hold. It's natural to feel frustrated and upset in certain situations, especially when dealing with customer service issues. However, it's important to remember that kindness and empathy are essential in our interactions with others, regardless of the circumstances.

Recognizing that the customer service representative is also human and may be facing their own challenges is a great step towards cultivating understanding and compassion. While it's understandable that you were upset about the flight schedule change and felt the representative wasn't being helpful, expressing your frustration in a disrespectful or mean manner isn't productive or fair to either party.

It's never too late to make amends. If you feel guilty about your behavior, you might consider reaching out to the customer service department or supervisor to apologize for your words and express your regret. While it may not undo what happened, it shows that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions.

Moving forward, try to practice patience and understanding when dealing with customer service representatives or anyone else in similar situations. Remember that expressing your concerns and frustrations in a calm and respectful manner is more likely to lead to a positive outcome and a better resolution to the issue at hand.

Additionally, take this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and to reinforce the importance of embodying the values you hold dear. Learn from this situation and strive to respond to challenges in a more constructive and compassionate way in the future

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What are the honest words you'd like to tell Him at this very moment? As you quiet your heart and mind, listen for what He is going to say to you.

Tbh, I feel that my morning devotion has slowed down gradually and have not been excited that I don't even send my devo or forget to do it first thing in the morning. I have not been connected to my pastoral group with the many other things I have on plate from work to ministry commitment and often find myself juggling all these with my physical condition apost covid maybe. I have stopped prayer and fasting and started eating rice again like before. In short,  I have not been faithful.

Although my spirit has been weak, God knows the way out. He has been giving me His special grace again and again and again, all these while. He has been pursuing me tirelessly and always there to lift me up. My constant, my strength.

Yes, God you are faithful, your Word is true
every covenant you keep my spirit rest in you. He has and always been faithful. His Power is perfect in my weakness, Huis faithfulness sees me through!

Thank you Daddy God!

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Today, I want to pen down what Physical 100 Netflix show has impacted me, the learnings I have and realizations. Let me enumerate to clear and organize my thoughts well:

1. Support & Winning: There are challenges that never ends, some are tough, some are really really tough. When we are pressed down, shaken, we could've given up easily. But we don't. Because people cheer for us, there are those who continue to encourage us even when we have given up. We are able to stay amidst the toughest situation, not because we are strong but because others are cheering for us, no matter what. This makes winning sweeter and worth celebrating for. They all give their best to win while supporting one another and being happy of their opponents victory.

2. Pride: Losing is painful, it breaks your wall, puts down your confidence. These are people in their prime, used to winning, the bests in their fields and been to pedestal. Over their triumphs, they have built pride yet you also see these amazing people shattered in failing, and rising in falling. There were faces of disappointment, pride hurt and feelings unleashed. Yet it's admirable how positive they are to move forward and lean on trying again, seeing the better side of things and still being thankful for everything.

3. Fun & Joy: They are all having fun, that makes losing the quests all worth it. I love it when they share about experiencing a 'memory' they can treasure for life. How even when the battle begins, they desire to have fun and enjoy every inch of challenges ahead.

4. Passion: They joined the show out of their passion,  to create awareness in the sport that they love, letting people know about what they love doing and representing what they are passionate at. They represent their sport, they hope that being on spotlight, people will know their sport too.

5. Endurance: Some games are not of their advantage but they fought till the end. They never ever gave up. I am touched at their will power at many tasks they were challenged to.  Each has shown great strength and energy, sustained for frequent, long periods of time.

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It may not too long but feels like forever. I'd been feeling sad and down really. Just trying to get through the day without the thought of her toxic deeds and words, but it is overwhelming. There were times recently, I don't want to endure anymore.  Despair just takes hold and just won't go away especially when I am idle. I feel sad in response to recent emotional and mental struggles importes after neverending taunting of someone I don't want to even name because the thought of her is draining energy out of me.  Whenever I recall what she said, I would deny, repel but somehow believe then leaves me feeling worthless. I would look at myself as a failure at everything like she said, then dwells on negative events and experiences that she declares, and at times I cannot see positivity and random words come out- Bobo, Tanga, Tamad- like she said. Sometimes I just cannot “snap out of it.” I thought it could just pass with a little time, but it's lingering for quite awhile.

Though it hasn't interfere my ability to work and enjoy life, but my I am more saddened by how things are happening among my closest friends. That's the sadder part- they are breaking and it has been affecting their daily life. Yes, we would meet and speak out loud to release, but at some points we'd have bleak outlook, thinking that as it has been cycle and like there's nothing we can do to get out of her torture, that we may get passed this round, but there's more coming and it's neverending. I asked God many times, why we all have to be hurt like this? She taunts us everytime we meet, isn't not that enough to crush us with her words? Does it have to be happening again and again and again? The sight of her, her voice, her message have been pushing us down. And it never ends. At times really, I just want to give up.

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Daddy God I am sorry, I come to you with a broken heart, I come to you as vulnerable as I am always. I come to you presenting my weaknesses, surrendering my fears, doubts, pains. I come to you asking you neverending questions to which answers I can't find. All these while, I have been looking inwardly and I am thankful I've been doing that, as this has brought me here. There were many thoughts running, hurts that's been playing non-stop, tears flowing with such pain from inside. It's not a delightful moment, but I like going through it.

I am not sure how things will be like in the future, but I am grateful for the present. It's when my callous heart gets soften. Moments like this surrounds me with your presence, when I do not know what to do, you come beside me to comfort me, to encourage me, to hug me, mula noon at hanggang ngayon. All these while I may have been blinded, pride may have built walls throughout, and maybe this is your way to humble me down, to break the walls of my hardened heart and let you turn it into flesh again.

I am battered inside and you are the one who can see that, all these while, it has been really tough. I may look happy outside but you know Lord how hurts have accumulated, how hatred has sipped in, how broken my walls are. Thank you Daddy God that in all these, You are the one whose with me, giving me strength and wisdom that I need to carry on. Psalm 54:4 says, You are the Sustainer of my soul. Like David, you helped me grow in my faith, You understand the my heart and can read my mind. Help me to not rely on my own strength and abilities, but to always place my trust in You,  confident that God's Word would come to pass. Now, I may only see inwardly, being pursued to seek my downfall, but I declare in confident trust, "Behold, God is my Helper. The Lord is the Sustainer of my soul!"

It is easier to remind other leaders who may have similar battle as I have now, but it seems more difficult to secure faith into my own unsettled heart. Help me God to set my heart to trust in the Lord no matter what problems arise and stand firm on His promises. You always remind me of Your faithfulness, You are always my faithful God, the anchor of my Soul, my never failing Helper, and the one who sustains me and carries me through.

Daddy God, I praise and thank You for Your Word and the encouragement You give, as well as the lessons I can learn from moments like this. I may feel that I am hotly pursued to be destroyed, but in this I know that You are my God, my Helper, and the Sustainer of my soul. Keep me from allowing the stresses and strains of life to doubt Your Word and keep my feet in the path of righteousness, In Jesus' Name!

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I honestly don't know how to pen what I wonder about into words, I have been trying to just move forward and focus on what I think I should focus on- those in my itineraries for both work, ministry and personal stuff, focusing on the positive side of things and stuff as such, been trying to reject and not entertain on what I think has been condemning and not led by the Holy Spirit, yet I guess I can at least pause and reflect upon this neverending saga that I have been wondering on for many many years on leading with ate shing. I have to deal with God as maybe, she won't stop until she gets what she wants hehehehe

I may have been quite steady with most areas of my life, that can be why I have to bear the cross of working with her so I can be challenged  hehehe. To be honest, if I have a better choice, I don't want to deal with her for many reasonssss... I have never worked with someone for a loooooong time as tough as this, I have met a lot of difficult people but most of the time I would find my way out because I just can't bear it. But this, seems like I can't escape unless I turned my back to what God has blessed me with my life currently.

I love my church! It is a place where I give and receive love and care, grow in your faith and know God! In all areas I am okay, in my ministries, with my ministry friends and leaders, with flocks under my care, but NOT with my so-called 'shepherd'. At this moment, I have been feeling broken like feeling abused emotionally, verbally or neglected, no Kumusta but has "You are stupid, imbecile, lazy". Like a feeling of suffering for yearsss, leaving wounds that just gets bigger and deeper. It's like an unending cycle that always happen and I feel like so sick of it. She's like a big bad wolf who attacks me and people around me until her craving is met. It feels unhealthy, sooo toxic that sucks up all my energy and like I need to run before  she sucks what all there is. The last place anyone would expect to need to deal with toxicity is in the church, sadly to the leader whom supposed to nourish and guide, but became someone who kills me.

This made me wonder how, and why..

I'll start with HOWs...
How did it all started?
How did it all happen?
How have I been dealing with this for many years? or shall I say, how did I survive through?
How is she all these years?
How difficult can it gets?
How can she be manipulating and not stopping?
How else can I believe her if she does nto do what she preach?

Then my WHYs.
Why is she triggered again?
Why can't I believe in her anymore?
Why can't she operate with the fruits of the Holy Spirit?
Why am I feeling this way to her?
Why is she like that?
Why does it feel like there's always a constant fight over something?
Why does her attitude bleed until we also bleed?
Why do we have to flow with her ways, in her own timeline when my spirit resists?

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So yeah, this is my 6th day of fasting and praise God I survived the early struggling days. I am thankful that I am able to really able to control gluttonous flesh and fight my weaknesses. As I passed through those tough stage, I am ready for what is next claiming for better medical result after a few more weaks of IF. It is definitely not easy especially with holiday hype ahead, but I know God wanted me to go over this for a better me, which should have started long ago. I am not getting younger and if I continue living an unhealthy lifestyle I will suffer later on, so as my loved ones. I am contemplating on whether I should get health insurance or what can be my next steps ahead. Help me God

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I just had a saga with my colleague over some work stuff that I wished didn't happen, my heart is still unsettled. Human as I am, I am inherently weak, my flesh is easily provoked causing my spirit to be troubled too. I am glad I get to experience this, you see I am finally back in writing to you & I have been pondering a lot recently, reflecting upon my actions as well and just tonight, you led me to something that I may have forgotten over time.

You have led me to you again. To the core of my being when I am vulnerable in your presence.

before making a judgement, make an effort to find out more

everyone has their own situation

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What's on the mind of a busy woman on a rest day

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What's on the mind of a busy woman on a rest day

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At this point of writing, I am sitting on a coffee shop in a lazy but busy afternoon while doing some write ups for my assignment. I took a day off to just finally sit on this paperwork, however as usual I woke up late and been procrastinating. The comfort of my solitary room has been sipping out my drive again so I had to really push myself to get out in order to accomplish today's itinerary.

Although I did 'prep' work before embarking on this course, I got caught off guard with time and I felt that I am always lacking and rushing.  Since this course has started, I felt like really trying hard to be productive while balancing ministry, work and personal time. There are good days when I am able to meet my targets, but the busy times seemed to be more idle. Twice I fell asleep during class, and again and again I would try what I can to motivate me to keep going. Before I set the day in the morning, my spirit is already cramming that lasts until before I close my eyes to sleep. When my physical body is screaming to retire, my spirit remained restless. From time to time, I had to remind myself to slow down, pause awhile and enjoy the beauty of small things around me, as I tend to miss that when I am busy. That's what brought me to write this today.

For a while, I look away from my screen and observe my environment. The secular song playing from Spotify sounded so beautifully, the aroma of the coffee was soothing that I savour a sip of it's beauty while my palette enjoys the flavor.  For that moment, in my heart I thank God that even when I have been trying my hard to occupy myself, He allowed me to experience glimpse of life even just for a while. There were nights I dreamt of being home, or on a vacation, going back to places I used to enjoy, being with the people I love. All these I know are God's gifts to me, He loves me and attends to my needs dearly even when I don't ask Him to.

In my devotion today, God reminded me through Philippians 4:8-9. He said that I focus on things that are beautiful, pure and positive. To keep meditating on these so I can notice and appreciate small beauties and increases my sense of thanksgiving to Him. He also encouraged me to speak words of encouragement and have an attitude of joy & contentment. To keep putting into practice all I learned and received from Him. As the God of peace will be with me.

Thank you Lord, you know me so well. :)

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Please, God, don’t hold the sins of our fathers against us. Don’t make us pay for their sins. Hurry to our side, and let your tenderhearted mercy meet us in our need, for we are devastated beyond belief. Our hero, come and rescue us! O God of the breakthrough, for the glory of your name, come and help us!
Forgive and restore us; heal us and cover us in your love. Psalm 79:8-9

I am currently watching a KDrama that tackles about generational sin or

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It's Valentines Day! Today is CNY Holiday and my work day as well at home. After almost whole day in front of screen trying to accomplish some SPARKS documentation while simultaneously watching a new K Drama, I decided to call it a day and rest. So I was hoping to really rest and realized it's VDay! That's why I'm writing now.

Year after year, VDay for singles is not a day I look forward to, so as to speak. All the more this year when it falls on a Sunday Service where I was involved in a production where my double chin will be showcased. Seemingly impossible, I was hoping that it won't be shown because physically it was unpleasant to see and for some reasons, this prayer was answered!

Should I just avoid soc med as surely it'll be filled with cringe-worthy couples posts and equally cringe-worthy singles posts? Or watch romantic movie to fill my kilig tank and celebrate from within? hahahaha I really have no plans tomorrow but to stay home and do more paperworks for SPARKS. Although I am really stressed out for this milestone in our school, but I am determined to do my best to support my centre. After these dreaded days, we will celebrate. The best is yet to come!

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So tonight, I found myself enjoying the beauty of solitude while sipping cappuccino & worshipping during a Power Encounter prayer meeting online, in a very cozy corner of Somerset. I have been planning to come down here and finally I am here, with a greater purpose and excitement to conclude this tiring week at the feet of my Father.

So how's my week? Been tough & challenging physically at work and every night I'd find myself looking forward to lay on my bed. Praise God that my strength is His and I am able to not just survive but celebrate those heavy 5 days victoriously! Plus finally getting a date for our Sparks in less than a month from now! Humanly speaking, it will be a stressful days ahead, but Praise God I have Jesus in my life that I have the confidence that all will be well and victory shall come to pass in Jesus' name! I have tasted and seen how rigid Sparks assessment could be and praise God that we were able to make some preparations last year so this round may not be as tedious.

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It may have been almost 2 weeks since the last entry was posted and I missed it. At times I thought and planned about opening my Love Letter padlet to key in my thoughts but I couldn't make it. My list of excuse may go on to justify but it won't solve anything. So I hope to take this time to enjoy this solitude and pen the spontaneous overflow of feelings and thoughts.

QUESTION: How am I really?
I am actually more idle the past days as compared before, just preoccupied more with work and related stuff, been physically tired I guess so I'd prefer going home to rest and recharge for the next day. Physically I am tired.
Emotionally, I maybe tired as well. I've been going through some roller coaster of emotions towards my leader for quite a while already that at times I'd find myself feeling bad just thinking of her. This has been always a battle eversince, most of the time I deal it on my own, or I rant to God and my beshies just to get over it. Yes, it helps, but because this has been unresolved and unvoiced, it stays there and never reconcile. I believe I have been patient and positive all these times, but it could be because repeatedly I witness lack of support, unfairness and double standard, I couldn't move on and my dilemna remains the same. So my response now is to keep quite and be irresponsive and to intentionally make a fuzz, to stir that something has to be addressed regardless of the consequence ahead. I hope to really get a chance to meet her face to face and really be able to voice out my concerns but just the thought of her pride and attitude, I will just put myself into a pit of fire. So I am emotionally tired as well.
Spiritually, I am going back to basics, to the things I missed doing. Been reading printed books again and I missed that, I pray that I can carry on this discipline again as I need this really. I have been fasting and praying for almost 3 weeks, well very slightly tempted but I feel good about being able to get back to that spiritual discipline again. Yes, I gave in to my flesh again, I sin. Help me God to overcome and eliminate all that's not nice in me. I cannot do it myself, I need you Daddy God!

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When I first heard it from a Korean drama that I watched, I was astonished for a while. Instantly, I remember those care free younger days and it made me smile.
The character mentions, "It's actually nice to wander aimlessly every once in a while. From time to time, it'd be wonderful to sail off without a map."

I'd always have those wishful thinking to be the 'monggi' I used to be, someone who has no fear and would test the limits of my comfort zone. Those days when I'd be into my being than doing. There was a time I just rode a bus without destination,  I was just there sitting down looking at the streetscapes and mind pondering just about anything. Having those casual conversations with God, asking Him never-ending questions and finding answers, alighting the bus in a place that I did not know and taking another bus to go back where I set my feet off. I remember those mornings when I walked on my 'secret garden' after a graveyard shift, enjoying the morning breeze and talking to my Daddy God until I reached home. I remember those days when I'd do non sense stuff just to try out how things work, discovering something new and getting delighted with the wonders of little things that I missed to see everyday. Those days when I'd purposely travel in distance just to go to familiar places and have 'food trip'. Those days when I'd hang in National Bookstores to read books or magazines for free. I remember those days when I'd walk around the city because I have no money to commute, yet I treasure those moments for they are my QT with my Father. Those days when I'd find pleasure in feeding my fluffy brain with just anything that seems interesting, be it good or nonsense, bizarre or profound. I was poor monetarily but I felt contentment.

Many years after, I've been busier than ever.  My calendar is now filled with many purposeful itineraries and admittedly, I am not that free spirited anymore. My work and ministry have somehow required me to be prim & proper. I  no longer groove to my own rhythm as much as before. Although I'd still go in my own flow, maturity brought me to  abide to the norms of society, live a conventional lifestyle, follow and act upon rules. I guess I am much more tamed now but that adventurous soul is still within me, I still get to embrace what I want to do, at times, disregarding other people’s opinions and getting into 'trouble'. I still find what interest me and pursue it whatever it takes. I still get to try and discover whatever that gives me that buzz, seeking on what makes me want more to fill in the mongginess in me. I'd still challenge myself and make the most of every situation. I guess part of being a grown up free spirit is about taking responsibility for my actions and setting myself free from anything that is holding me back. Yes, sometimes I feel trapped and wanted to escape like how I used to. I'd hope that I can ultimately do things for myself, get away from all my commitments and create a life that I love like I used to. From time to time, it's just great to shut the noise of the world and enjoy solitude & all the fun underneath it. Most of all, doing all this in the warm presence of my Daddy God.

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Dearest Jesus,

I've been binge-watching in Netflix recently and there are many life lessons that I've been learning. One thing that resounds from "Start Up" netflix drama I currently watch is about regrets and choices. Do I have regrets on bad choices? Maybe bad choices in the present and in the past that I wished I didn't push? Certainly Yes! I wished I made other choices. There are ideas in my our head that may have been, if only a different choice had been made.

There are many unwise choices that I hope didn't happened like missing opportunities, procrastinating, lack of discipline in my habits and time, or even growing feeling over wrong people. I regret giving in to my flesh, I regret eating a lot, not being able to control my appetite, not taking care of myself. I regret things that made me feel dumb or made other people feel bad. I regret speaking words that are hurtful and caused someone's spirit to crush. I regret not telling or showing someone that I love them when I had all the chances to do so. Yes, I regret about heaps of things from bad choices I made. Yet more than than, I am grateful with all of it.

In Episode 5 of 'Start up', Dalmi shared that her Dad said, "Deserts would cover the entire world if it was sunny every day. We need rain and snow for plants and delicious fruits—like this tangerine—to grow!" These bad choices made me a better and more matured person. Yes, these can't be changed, but I can take lessons from it and grow fruits that can bless many. If all is well everyday, I would be the same irrational, difficult, immature and weak person that I am. Bad choices build me to be stronger than ever, to be wiser with more decisions coming, to be closer to my Heavenly Father whose always with me through ups and down.

Regrets are a part of life, I am not proud of these bad choices but I can share how God shaped me to be the person now through these regrets, I can be happier with the past and hbe happier in the present moment. That is a choice I won’t regret. Praise God!

❤️ Eva
17 Jan 2021, 0114

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A love letter about emotional well being

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A love letter about emotional well being

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I am glad for the emotional journey I've been recently. It's in these times when I felt I am closest and most vulnerable to you. I may be strong & tough outward but inside I am a vulnerable lamb whose always in need of a shepherd. There were sleepless nights when my spirit was restless, those moments when I drown myself with thought and uncalled emotions that are out of my hands. Those silent battles that seemed endless and I couldn't talk to anyone but God. Those times when I couldn't find answers to my questions, when I have unvoiced cries that the world don't hear. When there's no avenue to put unwanted hurts but through prayer and worship. Those nights when I am filled with sorrow and worries & I couldn't even do anything but kneel down & talk to my Daddy God. Now that some of those emotional struggles are over, I am filled with thanksgiving for You are there for me, again and again and again. Mourning may endure overnight but the joy comes in the morning.  I am thankful that I can go through some challenging times as it is in these times when I am closest to You. You said in James 1, even in our struggles, we can experience pure joy in choosing to silence those inner voices and trust God on a deeper level than we ever have before. It is so much easier to get carried away by worry and anxiety and You are always make things better, Thank You Jesus for always being there for me in all seasons of my life.

❤️ Eva
14 Jan 2021, 2226

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Dear Jesus,

For just a day, I was in rollercoaster ride of emotional & mental journey that never in this early part of the year I imagined I'll be in. In a snap, I was caught in a difficult situation that is beyond my control, stumbling me a bit as it made me pre-occupied by unnecessary thoughts and silent battles, yet at the same time it's bringing me back to those sweet & intimate plead of prayer and worship. The process made me mentally stressed and emotionally provoked and I thank You that I have to go through as  I felt closer to You. Through the day and night, I have been conversing with You more than before and been contemplating about it, I have been vulnerable, You never grew tired of listening to me. It's like a test of reacting VS responding, and praise through that time, I remained calmed and joyful, to be extra cautious and vigilant. Thank you for the joy of the Lord that has been giving me strength all along. I may not have responded rightfully how it has to be, yet I am truly glad that all along You are with me. I felt your presence and undying support and that the problem may not be over, but I praise You Jesus for everything. I maybe weak but You are strong. I know sa mga susunod na araw ay maitatawid ko pa ito, and that the glory and honor will be to You alone. So help me God.

❤️ Eva
12 Jan 2021, 2330

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Dear Jesus,

Today is my official day of Prayer & Fasting this year. A very timely move to finally  step forward to a better me. A time to let go of what is unpleasant and move forward to what is best as God desires for me. Prior to this day, I have gone through quite a rollercoaster ride of sleepless thoughts, random emotions, physical exhaustion and tender moments with God and I know He allowed me to go through all that to prepare me on our warm conversations again. In as much as I missed my Father, He misses me hundredfold that He'd even orchestrated prior happenings and encounters so that I can come to Him with depth and vulnerability that He is God and I am not. Praise God for that!

Onset of 2021, I really really hope to be really serious about my wellness- a full integration of my physical, mental and spiritual well-being. Wellness seems to be complex but I know that facing it with God's help will truly lead to the quality of life that He desires for me. Physical wellness has been my battle for the longest time I can remember. Although I attempted and been somehow successful in shedding off 10 kg last year, but I couldn't keep up and I'm back to my super plus figure again. I have missed disciplining myself on  adequate exercise & rest, proper nutrition and abstaining from harmful habits that I grew up doing. The sad fact is, Iam not getting younger and if I do not start now, how soon is when? I will need to do health screening and prepare myself for that. Today, I tried getting back to intermittent fasting and praise God I am able to do it, but you know how weak my flesh is Daddy God so once again, I come to your presence desperately asking you help me build the right temple of Christ through my body. When I get weak, you are strong. I know in this season of prayer and fasting, I will be able to overcome with your guidance and conviction. Help me Daddy God.

❤️ Eva
11 Jan 2021, 1330

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I've read this random poem in google and it pierced my heart to the core. I may fail a thousand times more but God loves me the same. ❤️

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I saw this in Pinterest and found it heartwarming, a sweet reminder of how Jesus loves me dearly ❤️

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Sir Francis Drake was the first Englishman to circumnavigate the globe. He was the son of a Protestant preacher and was passionate about his faith in Christ.   He penned this prayer in 1577, while on his voyage around the world. This prayer applies as equally to my life as it did to his. One of my most favorite poem/ prayer of all time