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That refers to how I feel.

You see, I don't know if I will say yes when I receive my invitation (If of course,  since now I do actually have doubts). The misunderstanding derives from the cause of my uncertainty.

Everyone seems to be concerned with convincing me that I want to go. It's your dream job! It will be so different and stimulating! I'm jealous that you get to go! The problem has never been whether I want to go. I WILL go, and I will enjoy it, and find many challenges that I can't solve. So in short I will hate the service and find it a burden just as much as I love it, but this is exactly what I want! What better chance to learn and grow and improve and change?

I'm uncertain about the timing of my service. There are 2 timestamps that repeat in my mind. The first is the expiration on my soccer career. Once I go, I will be done with competitive soccer. There's almost no way to be gone in a subsistence village and come back as a 33 year old and continue playing. And when I return I likely will have other visions for myself. The world is bigger than my soccer career. That said, I'm playing at the top of my game right now. I could even transfer to a different team at the moment. Could I play another year of soccer? Absolutely. And it's highly likely I could be better that year than this one, because that's been the pattern the past 5 years.

The second timestamp is that every year I wait means I will be a year older when I return and get a chance to start thinking about career directions and relationships and even children. I know this isn't probably something that I should be concerning myself with, but it's hard not to think about all this when my 30th birthday is nearing.

I have more than one goal for myself. It's so hard to choose when it's time to give up one for another. A year or two doesn't seem to make a difference, but a year feels so valuable to me in the present. The thought of wasting a productive late 20s year of my life makes me feel humiliation, immaturity, and severe loss.

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I've never had a difficult interview. It's not that this was difficult, but it was the least smooth I've ever had and I came out of it feeling rather frustrated. At some point you have to take a step away from the situation and question why it was a frustrating experience, as opposed to spouting about the topics that didn't quite make sense or were entirely agreeable.

So why was I frustrated? Or more importantly what was it that I was actually frustrated about?

In the end I think it comes down to a disconnect between what I was able to portray to the interviewer and what he appeared to be thinking about me. I didn't like that he appeared to want a "perfect interview question," one devoid of hesitation and thoughts that are still in motion. I never like to play that game, but in the end he perceived me as not having reviewed what the Peace Corps experience is truly like. It didn't feel fair that I was apparently not getting credit for a lot of the work I've done in the past 2 years. When I pride myself on being overly prepared and building technical skills for as many possible situations as I can, it really gets under my skin be advised to talk to Peace Corps volunteers so that I can better formulate my own expectations. Expectations? I might as well told him to forego all the situation specific pitfall questionnaire and consider this my answer for every situation: "I will go to Zambia and leave it a better or more complete place than before I got there. I will face problems but the nature of the problems is not important. Some I will just get used to, no big deal. Some I will confront by offering my counterpoints, but have no power or will to do more. And some I will have to learn to suffer from for the remainder of my service because they are bigger than me and I won't choose to change myself. The problem is not greater than my expectation to leave the place more complete and hopefully more adaptive to it's changing world."

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Do I have questions to ask? Can I answer questions about the challenges related to Peace Corps? Have I practiced set answers to anticipated questions? Am I prepared?

My interview is approaching. I will be on the phone sitting at the little park by school talking to a recruiter in three days following early release. I will feel the freedom of the weekend already upon me, and yet there will still be a burden of responsibility still on my shoulders. An important interview. Cleaning the office. Notarizing more stuff from Papoo. My first real lift in over a week.

It's funny how after 4 Peace Corps specific books, several blogs, many Youtube videos, Peace Corps informational booklets, and anthropological books I still feel as if I don't know enough to conduct an interview. All the possible limitations of my knowledge and preparation are piling up in my mind because of the pressure of an interview. I suddenly feel I know nothing of the experience. I feel irresponsible and unprepared.

Quick story: every year before preseason starts I worry for a month about how out of shape I am. I run and feel sluggish or heavy. My times are slow. My touch is all over. I don't know how preseason is on top of me and suddenly I can barely play a soccer game! And then I get to preseason and blow everyone away in fitness.  Every year. Every time. Without fail.

If only I would learn.

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As I prepare for my interview and go through lists of possible problems, I find myself listing the same reason for far too many categories. "Don't see this being a problem." "Don't see this being a problem." "Don't see this being a problem." Over and over I just assume things won't be a problem, from religious beliefs to clothing styles to no running water.

I feel as if I must be overlooking the challenges associated with these differences, and yet even as I try to investigate further I struggle to unearth future prickly moments. I don't want to be that guy- you know, the one who can't see past his nose to the potential downfalls that await him. I certainly have discovered certain blind spots within myself, specifically with religion. "Don't see this being a problem" because, who is going to have issues with the religions of these African people? And then I read that some atheists are put under pressure not because of their beliefs about African religions, but because of intolerance from Africans about theirs! It's so obvious in retrospect.

Or take my biggest worry, somehow, that I will not be able to sleep at night because of the heat. This can't really be the most important problem that I will face and yet it's one of the largest in my mind. It makes me feel that my brain is evaluating issues in a warped and irrational world of its own. Then I did a minute or two of reading about Zambian weather and realized that Zambia is much more temperate than I anticipated and not humid- meaning nights will likely cool off. I have a lot of learn.

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11:46. I'd gotten to my room later than I'd planned. I typed the password from my keycard case and logged into the Wifi. Welcome to LAX El Segundo Ramada Inn. This weekend will forever be remembered in weird shades of disorientation, infatuation and a sense of belonging while not belonging.

What a night to see the email: Re: Peace Corps Application. What a night to be faced with the proposition of a totally different Peace Corps location. Perhaps my complete expectation of receiving this email helped make it a dull moment, or perhaps it was the prospect of flying to LA to miss graduation and bring emotional turmoil to Tony that had distracted me from my feelings. I couldn't really tell as kneeled against an old hotel bed and instead began looking for somewhere to eat other than the Denny's down the street. Pilots, the local bar? I'm glad I didn't go there, although I'd have gotten to spend more time with Tony. That had been the point of the trip, but it was quickly turning into something else.

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Daily reading, planning projects, learning languages, personal hygiene, organizing the home, writing Peace Corps blogs: all things that I plan to do during the school year, and yet once the it all starts, like a train that is building momentum, there's no stopping it. It just runs you over.

I've missed writing about several moments along the journey: the first response about my application, my interview invitation, considerations for The Gambia and Teacher Specialist positions, and finally settling on Zambia.

Work turns life into a haze of jumbled moments that blend together like watercolors on a wet canvas. It can be beautiful of course, but marking specific strokes and painting sharp contrasting edges requires special attention to detail and the patience to allow the canvas to dry. My goal, from now on, is to use lunch break more often to create some contrast in my life.

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8/7/2016
I continually have the urge to check my email and check my email again, but I am well aware that I need to wait patiently. It feels strange quelling the excitement of receiving a message in response to my application, and yet it is entirely practical to do so. I hope that whenever I finally do see an email labelled "Peace Corps" or "Request for Interview," my attempts to kill the excitement has truly worked. That would steal a great moment from me. But for now I just wait and focus on my everyday chores because there's not much else I can do, other than continue my French and read books from PCV experiences.

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8/2/2016

I need to apply the first week of August to give me an ideal departure date of July or August 2017. Of course, it's August and I'm still waiting for the new openings to be posted online. It will happen any day but the wait is painful.

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8/3/2016
"You're finally figuring out how to plan long term!" The words of two teachers at school who are privy to my indecision regarding anything further than 2 months into the future.

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8/16/16
It's actually the second day of school for teachers, but I was certainly thinking about this yesterday. With school starting, I can already feel the temptation to forget about Peace Corps and stop preparing. The time crunch is smashing everyone head on, and things have begun to feel overwhelming.

I guess my goals haven't really changed from my summer time ideas for the upcoming school year. I still want to continue with French, although I'm sure I'll hit a point that I can't keep up with it. Additionally I want to continue reading and educating myself about teaching, Africa, poverty etc. I want to spend more time with poverty and development in my reading, but I always seem to forget that I also have to learn and improve in teaching itself! That will be the core of my occupation in Africa so I cannot overlook the most basic part of my job. Too many PCVs feel impotent and underprepared because the people in their villages know more than they do, especially agriculture volunteers. I want to feel I have expertise in my field. Last, I recently was thinking about how teaching in a predominantly African American school in the US would prompt me to learn much more about black history. It would be a cornerstone of my teaching for those students. When I learn the specific region I will serve I must begin to study that country/region's history as well. It will only help me in teaching those students.

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8/2/2016
Imagine, that as I wrote "First Week of August" I was able to apply. I've been listening to Water: Music for Meditation because I was stuck to my computer and couldn't get up to clean up my dinner mess. Applying with this this music playing makes the experience feel extraterrestrial.

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7/30/2016
Productive conversation with Teddy about my application essay. I can't decide if I'm just coming off as an arrogant prick, or I actually am one given some of my reactions to his comments, but the essay is coming along in a way that is pleasing me. It still has some work though.