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I left my home for freedom in Europe but I’m terribly lonely

Situation:

I am a 30-year-old guy and I am really lonely. I was born in Iran and was raised in a conservative family and society. I went to university there and graduated with a master’s degree in English language studies. I am now at university in Germany, but I am not able to make friends with girls. I have no proper job, no future and not even a friend. I tried online dating sites; they don’t work. What is wrong with me? I even think of ending my life. I do not have any future going back to a country which does not accept me when I do not believe in Islam.

Answer:

Dear friend,

First of all, remember that you are a winner, which should help you to keep focused on your goals. If you have reached very important instances of your life such as getting a master´s degree and living in another country, that must be because you are skillful enough and you can get to happy endings any sort of things.

In order to start friendship with girls, you should be patient and begin to study them, but not all the women because it could result an endless task, try to discover the girls around you, about their likes, dislikes and perspective they have for their usual way of life. Once you have certain information, you will be able to study yourself to find out how your personality would fit among theirs. In doing so, maybe you have to change some very particular behaviors and will be forced to adapt to new realities. You shall and have in mind that meeting new people and getting along with them would imply losing some privacy and you will have to have open mind and a huge flexible disposition of character.

My recommendation for you is that you would not use online dating, instead, you ought to try with real people in real time, and this surely would let you to express openly your ideas and emotions. As another option to meet new

people you could consider that there are at any city, institutions or groups of people that work as volunteers for very good causes, these actions can make you feel useful and valuable for society and communities. Likewise, there are sport or arts paths that you may try as well.

Future might be uncertain for those who are not prepared, but for a person as you with a wide cultural background and education, it must become brilliant in a short time ahead, all is a question of patient. Nothing is wrong with you, everybody is different, and this makes us unique in this world, just keeps going on your purposes and lives the life with hope and positivism. Undoubtedly having friends might help you to find a job or at least would come better chances to grab one. Please do not drop from university; this environment should become in one of your allies in your next step to have a better interaction with people.

And finally, think that ending your life is just not an option anymore, you have to leave behind those negative thoughts, there are plenty of opportunities to grow personal and professionally. You must persevere and work hard because the life is not easy but it is wonderful, and the awards are for brave ones!

Successes!!!

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Eleazar Santos Tejada

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SITUATION.

1.   I have a serious crush on my teacher – should I tell her?

Q: I’m a 16-year-old student harboring ardent feelings for a teacher. She’s an absolutely wonderful (in my view, angelic) human being, who seems utterly devoted to what she does and is terribly cordial to us students. It is out of awe for her personality, and gratitude for how she’s made a mark in my life, that I feel so attached to her. She’s in her late 20s, I suppose, but I feel she could be 18. My feelings are not sexual, but my social circles make barely any room for this possibility. I can find little solace in my friends for fear that they’d mock me because she’s not considered a looker. I feel an urge to tell her how amazing and adored she is, but fear she’ll be threatened or affronted, or that she’ll feel pained for me and not know how to respond.

ANSWER:

Dear honey.

I can appreciate and recognise your  feelings for this teacher, as you get older, you need to start making decisions for yourself, so you look for role models and If you’re at school that means teachers could be your  focus of attention but that doesn’t mean they feel the same or that they will be forced to run off and get married; however, If you ask people for their teachers I am sure stories of inspiration and gratitude abound and their influence continues on their lives. On the other hand,  having a crush on your teacher is as common as it is complex, I’m sure you’re aware, and have a number of  questions as shown on your letter. Should you declare yourself? Is it rigth or wrong to feel such strong passion? What should you expect your classmates’ reaction to be?.

Whether she’s 18 or 60, no matter how angelic or inspirational you can see her, as a relationship like this mustn’t going anywhere, but it does not mean you can’t express your respect and/or admiration towards this person. You’re just starting to discover your sexuality, and getting yourself involved in this relationship could lead to a really hard and confusing life down the road. Think about it: You’re already feeling lovesick, confused, and hurt. This is no average crush, and that’s because you have no outlet for your fantasy and no control over the situation where you are not only young but also vulnerable, and misplaced emotions are simply a part of growing up. It’s easy to confuse romantic passion for admiration.

For most people crushes on teachers remain idle fantasies, but that doesn’t make them any less painful. As well as making you feel awful, prolonged heartbreak can affect your friendships and even your exam grades where  you can’t concentrate, sleep or eat properly because they’ve fallen for their teacher. If you find yourself in that situation you have to be very tough with yourself and keep your feelings in check by reminding yourself constantly that your feelings are never going to be returned, for practical, moral and legal reasons.  You must be kind and explain firmly that you understand what has gone on and that it has to stop, otherwise there will be consequences.

In this situation, I highly recommend talking to a Guidance Counselor to get switched out of her class, and avoid her as much as you can. Distance is a very powerful thing when it comes to our crushes; sometimes all it takes is a little bit of space. This will help you focus those emotions elsewhere on people you can explore new girls in a fun and healthy way. This is my summary advice, resist the temptation to express feelings of love. Any relationship between you and her would be completely inappropriate and possibly (depending on your age) illegal for her, and would probably get her fired from her job. That being the case, your declaration of your feelings will probably make her extremely uncomfortable and possible even alarm her; however, you can express grateful, admiration and respect for your teacher.

Yours affectionately,

Agony Aunt.

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2.  My father is a womanizer. I’m terrified I’ll become one, too.

Hello:

First of all, you must trust yourself. You have to see what your strengths are and be brave. I know what things attract you from girls and what things do not, because with that you detonate your confidence and know what things cause your shyness in front of her.

Do not believe so much in appearances and when those memories come to your head how your family members were in love, you should know how to turn the page and reverse that situation. Always discipline, self-confidence and personality are more important than the physical. The movies help romance but they are just that, movies. You should stop idealizing the girls and let go of the fear of rejection, since all those fantasies make you disappointed. In simple words you can not make many illusions, just live the moment and leave those expectations for when you feel that there is a mutual attraction.

Human relationships work the same as a muscle, the more you exercise, the stronger they become... so be yourself, do not be afraid of rejection and you will see that this may help to overcome the past.

I hope you can be fine, tell me whatever you need.

All the best,

Stephany Amaya

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Dear reader!

I think that, in the first place, you should talk to your daughter and try to make her understand that what she is doing is not right. You could tell her that in this case, the age isn´t the most important, this is not the problem, try to explain her that is wrong because the man is married and has children. She must not break a marriage. On the other hand, you can remind him how your mother's infidelity affected you and she must not make that other person goes through the same thing.

In addition, if she accepts the relationship under these conditions in the future, she will feel insecure in the relationship. A difference of five years or seven is possible, but ten in this case twice her age, will have bad consequence.

Now for you is difficult to understand the man's actions for this reason, I think you should talk to the man and tell him about the process you had to overcome before your divorce and how this affected your daughter's relationship in order to make him understand the damage he could cause his children.

You should not feel ashamed to talk to your friends about that, because if they are your true friends, they could advise you in the right way and give you support.

You have to talk with your daughter and show her the positive and negative consequences to live with a man who is twenty-five year older than she is. You have to sit down with the most peaceful and conciliatory attitude and demonstrate her with real facts that the situation is complex and inadequate. She would be happy with other man with the same or similar age in order to build a strong relationship without having to hurt anyone else.

My best wishes…
Agony Aunt.

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My daughter is dating a man more than twice her age.

Q: I have a 23-year-old daughter. Her mother and I split up when she was seven due to her mother’s infidelity. I still see my daughter regularly and she is close to my wife and the two other children we have. My daughter did not have a “proper” boyfriend until she was in her late teens. Last week I was informed that her new boyfriend is a little older than her. It transpires he is 48! He also has a wife and two children who he is preparing to leave to be with my daughter. I am, in equal measures, furious, horrified, embarrassed, ashamed and desperate. This new boyfriend is older than my wife, who is 46. I am 55. My daughter wants me to meet this man, but I am too shocked and angry that a man of his age and with his responsibilities could behave in this manner. How should I handle this? I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it.

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Dear Friend:

I understand how you feel. I've been in your shoes and I know exactly what you are describing. I believe that life changes all the time and there are a lot of stages that we walk through.

First of all, you have to relax, you have to put yourself together and keep your emotions under control. You need to enjoy the stages you are living in your personal life, with your children and also with your husband. As the stages in life come, the same happens with friends and the people that we find on our way. There are friends that remain in time and locations but, of course, the relationships change because of the families, work, responsibilities and many other things, however, you may talk to those friends and find the way to meet at least once a month and drink a cup of coffee or something like that. It may help you to feel closer to them and keep your friendship alive.

There are also “casual” friends or people that we meet on different places or activities we do in our daily lives, some of those people or friends sometimes become very close and special for us, but some others are just people that we saw sometimes. You should think for a moment and see which of those new friends or people you share with in this moment are special for you and you will see all the possibilities you have to build new relationships with people that really worth it. I believe everything depends on the attitude you assume in each situation and if you look around, there are a lot of good people and real friends around you.

You can also find a hobby you really enjoy and you must organize your time in order to practice it and take time for yourself. Once you do that, I guarantee you will meet new people and some potential friends that share something in common with you. You can also start a “book club” or something similar to share with other people and speak about your common interests.

As you can see, you have lots of possibilities to build a different and active social life if this is your purpose. I doesn´t mean that you put your family aside, they are most important that friends or other people, of course, friends are an important part of our lives but don’t feel frustrated for the way your life is right now, enjoy what you have.

Remember that happiness is not the destiny but the journey, so be happy and enjoy your life, enjoy the simple things you receive every day.

Sincerily,

Agony Aunt

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My family is great, but I feel as though I have no real friends.
Q: I am 38, happily married with two children and have a job I enjoy. However, I have found myself plagued by anxiety about friendships and feelings of loneliness. Since having children I seem to have been on a roller-coaster of friendships. As our lives have evolved, people have drifted away. I now feel I am left with acquaintances (mainly school mums) rather than actual friends. I find WhatsApp groups stressful and can’t go on Facebook, as I feel jealous when I see events where I haven’t been included. Some of my pre-children friends remain, but busy lives and distance mean I only see them a couple of times a year. I’ve given up on phone calls, as people only seem to want to text! I just don’t know how I can get out of this spiraling anxious mindset. Will it improve when my children are older, or without play dates will my social life dry up altogether?