# data[].attributes.headline
Managing social anxiety during the holidays

# data[].attributes.subject
Managing social anxiety during the holidays

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
, Contributor

I approach the holidays with a sense of trepidation every year. I get to our large annual family Christmas gathering and struggle with the small talk and the added attention in brings. How is the job going? What have you been doing the last year? How do you like the city? What have you been writing? Are you dating anyone? Oh no. The way I stutter and stammer and try to hide in a corner with just the baked goods for company, I may as well be the grinch.

While I love the festive spirit, getting to see family and friends who live far away, and picking out gifts for everyone I love, there's no denying my anxiety can outshine all the holiday cheer. Enter the difficult combination of social anxiety and the holidays.

If any of this sounds like you, know you're not alone. According to the American Psychiatric Association, 7% of Americans live with social anxiety disorder, marked by "significant anxiety and discomfort about being embarrassed, humiliated, rejected, or looked down on in social interactions."

Per Nina Rifkind and the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, this leads directly to "a fight or flight state, causing physiological changes, like heart palpitations, shortness of breath, or nausea." Of course if you have social anxiety, you're already very familiar with the symptoms.

While social anxiety may prevent us from being 100% comfortable in all the social situation the holidays thrust upon us, the good news is there are several ways to take back some control as we deck the halls, self-consciously sip eggnog, and deal with Uncle Bob's backward opinions about politics.

1. Positive Affirmations

First, give yourself a bit of a pep talk going into any holiday event that makes your palms sweat and your heart race.

Psychologist Joyce Marter recommended to Dr. Michele Kerulis at Northwestern University's Counseling Center "that people silence their inner critic when they feel anxious, and instead of saying hurtful and mean things to themselves, they can recite positive affirmations, such as 'I can do this,' and 'I want to be able to enjoy social situations.'"

I know, it may feel hokey to think positive thoughts. Not to mention, simply changing worry thoughts into upbeat ones won't solve anxiety. (If only it were that easy!) But according to experts like Marter, positive thinking can at least be "a much more effective way of working to stay out of a negative downward spiral."

2. Plan Ahead For Conversation

Like with an office holiday party, having conversation starters in your back pocket can go a long way. Consider questions such as what was your favorite trip this year? Have any New Year's resolutions? What are you most looking forward to in 2018? People love talking about themselves, so directed questions can help grease the wheels and take the focus off of you. Finding ways to compliment people can have the same effect.

"You may feel as if people are focusing on you, but in reality, most people are probably wondering what you are thinking of them," according to the ADAA. "Try making a compliment, which can make others feel good, make you feel good, and reduce some stress."

3. Come With A Talking Piece

Another way to feel more comfortable about the inevitable small talk in any holiday situation is to adorn yourself with something that will catch attention - in a good way. While that may sound terrifying at first, wearing a gorgeous patterned jacket or having a cool cell phone case, for example, can start a conversation that puts a little distance between you, anxiety, and the other person by focusing on a neutral object.

Talking about where you got your jacket or cell phone case can then transition naturally into conversations about favorite shopping joints, your mutual love of a good jacket, how much you both hate the latest phone update, or comparing photos of your adorable cats.

4. Volunteer To Help The Host

Therapists such as Rifkind suggest offering to help the host when you're at holiday events as another way to manage anxiety. Busy hands that have a purpose can ease some of the pressure at large gatherings, not to mention you'll feel helpful and have a sense of purpose - a way to contribute to the day that feels less threatening.

Being a helpful guest and assisting the host can boost your self esteem and you can avoid long, unwanted conversations.

5. Engage With Little Ones

Let's face it - adults can be anxiety-provoking. But at a family or friend party, there's a good chance there may be children, pets, or both, and they offer an opportunity to take the perceived spotlight off of you.

"Children see things differently than adults," writes Sarah Fader for Psychology Today. "They are thinking about entertaining themselves and not concerned about being judged. Tap into that energy and join the fun!"

The same goes for pets, who have mental health benefits of their own. Petting animals reduces blood pressure, elevates mood, and releases endorphins. A little quality time with Fluffy can reduce the pressure of socializing with her owners.

6. Avoid Overdoing the Alcohol

Though alcohol may be a seemingly effective tool in the moment to gain a little liquid courage, alcohol often heightens anxiety and panic, plus it can leave you feeling even more out of control by the end of the night. It's best to drink in moderation.

"Many people mistakenly turn to drugs or alcohol to help them 'loosen up' in social scenes," writes therapist Chandra Chaikin. "If you're worried about embarrassing yourself, why put yourself in a situation where you're less in control? Alcohol and drugs can actually trigger panic attacks in individuals with anxiety disorders."

7. Focus On What You Can Control

Social anxiety usually comes with a long line of troubling "what-if" worries. What if people judge what I look like or how I eat? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I can't find anybody to talk to?

"Instead of focusing on what people might say or what might happen, focus on things that you can control, such as maintaining a positive attitude, making a commitment to address triggers to anxiety, and going into social situations with a game plan," writes Kerulis for Northwestern.

Letting go of what you can't control also applies toward other people. Set boundaries for your own behaviors, such as limiting how much you drink or deciding which topics you won't talk about, like your dating life or politics, to give yourself a sense of control. Let everybody else's behavior go, because you just can't control it.

"You can't control how much Uncle Bob drinks or your dad's temper, but you can control your choices, behaviors, and action," writes Marter for Psych Central. "Set healthy boundaries for yourself."

8. It Doesn't Have To Be Perfect

Similarly, for some people with social anxiety, the worry about everything needing to be perfect creeps in, whether that's something being out of place, not acting festive enough, or having the wrong food on hand. We can't control all of this for every guest, so as much as possible it's best to leave perfectionism behind.

"While most people are happy to be around friends or family, enjoying good food, drinks, and the sight of kids opening gifts, for certain people, the thought of something being out of place, someone not getting their favorite dish or the decorations falling short, can cause significant feelings of distress," writes Rifkind for ADAA. "People who struggle with anxiety disorders, such as social anxiety or panic disorder, may be plagued by a fear of disappointing others, or feeling that their actions are being scrutinized and judged."

9. Give Yourself Permission To Say No

Finally, know that just because pleading friends and family may want you to celebrate at every last party and event they can think of, you are allowed to say no. This doesn't mean avoid, which will only reinforce the anxiety, but you don't need to go to everything either. Pick out the events that mean the most to you and politely decline the rest so you have some recovery time for yourself too.

"Try not to overschedule yourself during the holiday season," writes the ADAA. "You don't have to feel obligated to accept every invitation, and you may want to eliminate some traditions that cause you more stress than joy."

While the holidays with social anxiety can be difficult, keep these tips in mind for a bright and wonderful holiday season with as little anxiety as possible. And remember - you can do this!

Published by

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
9 Ways To Manage Social Anxiety During The Holidays - #1 Mental Health Blog - Talkspace

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Contributor I approach the holidays with a sense of trepidation every year. I get to our large annual family Christmas gathering and struggle with the small talk and the added attention in brings. How is the job going? What have you been doing the last year? How do you like the city?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
December strikes, and the holiday party invitations start to pour in. Christmas cheer assails you from every angle: Facebook floods with photos and invites, cards demand you have a Merry Christmas, Andy Williams won't shut up about how this is the most wonderful time of the year.

The holidays are meant to be merry, so you might feel grinch-like if you're anything but excited. But if "holiday anxiety" rings more true for you than "holiday cheer," you're not alone. A recent survey by the American Psychological Association found that 8 out of 10 Americans anticipate stress during the holiday season. And if you're socially anxious, the months between November and January can feel particularly harrowing. Holiday parties spell strangers and small talk; busy airports and shopping malls mean crowds; and family gatherings feel like scheduled interrogations.

To help you survive the season, we've put together this guide of top situations people with social anxiety struggle with during the holidays and tips to get through them. We'll discuss real situations our clients have faced and tell you how they reframed the way they were interpreting the situation to overcome their anxiety.

Attending holiday parties

When a social event feels large and overwhelming, ask yourself what about the event is really making you anxious. Are you worried you won't know anyone at the party? That you'll have nothing to talk about? That people will judge you for dancing badly? Identifying the specific worries you have is the first step to being able to challenge them directly. It's not actually the event that makes you nervous, but assumptions you're making about it. For example, let's say you're anxious about going to your company holiday party. If you break down what's worrying you about it, you might realize you're assuming you have to meet a lot of new people, be a superstar on the dance floor, and stay the whole time. That's a tall order even for someone who isn't socially anxious. Instead, break down the situation into small, achievable goals, like staying for an hour, introducing yourself to two new people, or dancing to at least one song. This will make the event feel less overwhelming. In addition, if you start feeling anxious or self-critical in the moment, you can remind yourself to focus on your goal, or refer back to it to acknowledge that you're meeting your goal.

Paola signed up for Joyable because she was dreading an upcoming Christmas party at work. She wanted to go, but feared she'd be overwhelmed when she arrived and would have an anxiety attack. Paola broke down what made her nervous about the party-she was worried there'd be a lot of strangers and she'd end up alone with no one to talk to. She then challenged this thought by recognizing she'd have coworkers there who'd "watch out for [her] if [she was] alone." Then, she then set a manageable goal to make the party feel less overwhelming. She decided she'd stay for at least an hour and socialize with her co-workers. If she felt like it, she might even talk to a few new people, but wouldn't put pressure on herself to. "It's ok if i don't talk to any new people," she told herself, "what's important is that I enjoy myself and my anxiety reduces." Having a defined goal helped Paola successfully overcome her fear of going to the party. She stayed not only for one hour-but for five! She even danced a little, which was another thing she had been anxious about.

The small talk and casual conversations required at parties can cause great stress for people with social anxiety. Many label themselves as "not good at conversation," and get so worked up about coming up with something interesting to say that they end up saying nothing at all. If this sounds like you, ask yourself if it's really true that you have nothing to talk about. You probably have at least one or two interests or experiences you can talk about, but you may be dismissing them as silly or uninteresting. If this is the case, you're likely being too self-critical. Or, if talking about yourself makes you nervous, focus instead on learning three new things about the person you're talking to. Often, your anticipation about a conversation is worse than the reality, and once you get started talking, the conversation carries on naturally. You just have to start with "hello"!

Cory, a 23-year-old Joyable client, was nervous about going to a Christmas party hosted by a club he's a member of. "I won't know what to say," he worried. He thought that if he tried joining a conversation, he wouldn't be able to "think of anything to say" that would "fit into the rhythm of [the] conversation," and anything he did say would "not be received well." However, he challenged these thoughts by recognizing that everyone at the party was "just there to have fun," and he didn't need to "sell [himself] like in an interview." Instead, he decided he could "use the time to ask questions of other people and learn more about them." As a result, Cory was able to have good conversations with many people at the party. He even learned to reconsider his worries about joining other people's conversations. He had felt unsure about inserting himself into a conversation between two people sitting next to him, but afterwards learned from one of them that she wished he had talked more. Cory realized that "conversations [he] perceived to be interesting" could actually be " thought to be forced and awkward by one of the two participants in it" and that often people welcomed him adding to the conversation.

When you're feeling socially anxious at a holiday gathering, a glass of wine or two (or three) can seem like a harmless way to take off the edge. But using alcohol as a social crutch can be dangerous. Liquid courage might temporarily make you feel less anxious and more conversational, but studies show that it can actually increase anxiety, irritability, and sadness a few hours later. Also, depending on alcohol to get you through social situations can actually keep you from overcoming your social anxiety in the long run. Typically, anxiety spikes leading up to and at the beginning of a social event, but slowly dissipates as you get used to your new environment. If you just allow yourself to stay in the situation and breathe, you'll find that things usually don't go as badly as you think they will. But if you drink as soon (or before) you get to an event, you never give yourself the chance to have this realization. Instead, you start to believe that you need the alcohol to not feel anxious. This season, try resisting a drink for the first 30 minutes you're at a party. You'll likely notice that your anxiety lowers on its own without the aid of alcohol.

Parties are filled with strangers, and you might be worried about meeting new people. What if you start a conversation and the other person finds it (and therefore you) boring? What if you say something weird? If you're having these thoughts, keep in mind that conversations are a two-way street: the other person has a part to play as well. If you start a conversation and the person isn't chatty, it probably has nothing to do with you. The person might be tired or preoccupied with other thoughts. Or, they might actually be feeling anxious themself, and that's why they're not talking much. Another thing people tend to be self-conscious about is "awkward silences" during a conversation. Pauses are normal and part of the natural ebb and flow of conversations, and they're often not even as long as you think. Next time you notice an "awkward pause," actually count in your head how long it is-you'll realize that usually it's only a few seconds! Finally, it's helpful to remember that many people go to parties with the goal of meeting new people, and they'll likely welcome your conversation.

One of our clients was anxious about meeting new people at a Thanksgiving dinner her friend was hosting. She wanted to introduce herself and her family to new people at the dinner, but worried she'd "have nothing to talk to these people about." She overcame this worry by reminding herself that others would also be "grasping for topics to start a conversation about." Besides, she realized, many people would be in the same boat as her; the dinner attendees were "different friends meeting for the first time, so it's not like [she'd be] the outsider." She was able to successfully chat with everyone at the party and felt the conversations went smoothly.

Holiday parties can be especially scary when you don't know the other people at the party well. Perhaps you have to go to your wife's office holiday party, and you haven't met her coworkers. You can just imagine yourself standing there as they all talk about work, having nothing to say and feeling awkward. And what if she has to go to the bathroom? Then what do you do? Stand there alone? If you're worried about being the +1 at a holiday party, remember that there will be other people in the same boat. Other guests won't know many people at the party either and will likely be just as eager to have someone to talk to. If you do end up in a group conversation among coworkers and they start talking about work, remember you're not expected to contribute to an internal conversation, so it's okay if you stay quiet-no one will think that's weird. And if you do contribute, either by relating with a similar experience or even changing the topic-that might be welcome. After all, this is a party, and people might appreciate a break from talking about work! Another helpful tip is to let your significant other know ahead of time that you're worried about making conversation with their coworkers. Ask them to be aware of this, and to actively introduce you to people and try to include you in conversations.

Tracy, a 45-year-old Joyable client, was nervous about making conversation at her husband's office holiday party. She worried she wouldn't "be able to think of anything to talk about with a person [she] just met and it [would] be awkward." Tracy challenged this thought by acknowledging she'd previously started many successful conversations with new people and she'd likely have plenty of things to talk about because she's "interested in and curious about a lot of things." Besides, she told herself, she could always "compliment someone on their party outfit to break the ice or ask about what they're eating or drinking." Finally, Tracy reminded herself that it takes two to make a conversation flow. She wrote "A conversation is like a dance. Both partners have to participate and do their part for it to work. If I make an effort and it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world." She ended up having a "really fun time chatting and joking around with people" at her husband's holiday party.

Hosting an event

Our clients who've mustered the courage to host or plan an event this holiday season express worries like "no one likes me" and "no one's going to want to come." If you're having thoughts like this, ask yourself: what are the chances that not even one person will show up? It's pretty unlikely. Also, remember that people like having things to do, and might even be grateful to you for bringing people together and giving them something to do.

When Katie, a 25-year-old data scientist, volunteered to plan a holiday happy hour for her team, she feared no one would want to attend. But she challenged this thought by reminding herself that "some people had already expressed interest in the event" and asking "I always appreciate others organizing events, what makes me think the team won't feel the same way?" The event did have a great turnout, and Katie was even asked to plan another happy hour in January!

Busy shopping malls

Shopping malls are especially packed during the holiday season and can be a great source of stress for those with social anxiety. You might worry that other people are watching you, and judging you for what you're buying, what you're doing, or the way you look. If so, remember that most people are there with their own shopping lists and gifts to worry about, and likely are too preoccupied to be looking at you.

Bradley was anxious about blushing in front of others while christmas shopping. "My face is going to go red," people will notice, "and I'm going to be embarrassed," he worried. He got past his worries by realizing that "no one really pays attention to you [because] they are too busy worrying about themselves." Even if he did start blushing, Bradley told himself "no one cares about a red face, and if they do, so what-not everyone has to like you. It's better to just relax and enjoy the time rather than just obsess over the negatives the whole time."

If you're worried the employee will judge you for needing help, remember that lots of people ask them for help finding things. In fact, it's part of that person's job to help shoppers find items they need. Some stores even hire extra people during the holiday season to prepare for increased shopper questions. And remember, if the employee is stocking a shelf, they might be bored and even welcome the interruption.

Crowded airports

Airports are another source of stress for those with social anxiety. Like malls, they're especially crowded during the holidays and are hard to avoid if your family lives far away. You might worry about doing something embarrassing while everyone's watching, like forgetting to take your shoes off before going through the scanner, or struggling to shove your carry-on into the overhead compartment. What if you get yelled at by the TSA? What if everyone notices the scraggly stuffed bear peeking out of your suitcase when you open it to fish for your toiletries? If you're worried about being the center of attention at the airport, remember that, like the mall, everyone is here for a reason, and it's not to watch you. Likely people are too hurried or focused on themselves to bother noticing anyone else. Even if you do forget to take off your shoes, or the scanner beeps when you walk through, it will likely be quickly forgotten as everyone is in a rush to get through security.

One client, George, had to fly to California for Thanksgiving and was nervous about being at the airport around a lot of strangers. He worried especially about being at the front of the security line, where he felt he'd be "the focus of everyone's attention" and "lots of people [would] judge [him]." But he faced his fear by deciding to put himself in others' shoes. He realized that "everyone has to go through the line," and when others did he "never...paid attention to them," so "most people aren't paying attention." He also found it helpful to "assess what's the reality of the situation" by actually "looking at what everyone else is doing" instead of "focusing on [himself] and [his] thoughts." By actually being "in the moment," he realized that "most people are probably just focused on traveling, same as me," and felt less anxious.

Family gatherings

Going home for the holidays can feel like being put under the microscope. Your parents always ask you intrusive questions like are you dating anyone (yet)? Or how much money are you making these days? Big family dinners mean a larger audience for your interrogation: aunts, uncles, and cousins seem to appear out of nowhere to pass judgement on your life choices and tell you you've gained weight. And if you're known for being the quiet one in your family, your relatives seem especially keen on questioning you.

If you're anxious about going to family gatherings this holiday because you fear being judged, ask yourself if there are any other reasons your family might ask you a lot of questions. Do you live far away and only make it home once a year? Perhaps your parents miss you, and are genuinely interested in hearing about what's going on in your life. If relatives ask invasive questions like if you're happy with your job or relationship, ask if they really want to judge you, or if maybe they're asking because they care and want to see how they can help you.

Meeting your significant other's family

This holiday season, you might be meeting your significant other's family for the first time. Or perhaps you've already met them: maybe they've been your in-laws for years but being around them still makes you nervous. What will you talk to them about? What if you do something embarrassing or say something offensive and they don't like you? Will they tell their son/daughter to dump you immediately?

If you're having these worries, remember that everyone's self-conscious. Your boyfriend's parents might be equally as nervous about making a good impression on you as you are about making a good impression on them. If you're worried about what to talk to them about, ask your significant other about their interests ahead of time so you'll have some conversation topics ready. And if you're worried you'll say or do something offensive, ask what the likelihood of this really happening is: do you offend people often? Probably not. Even if you do say something a little off color, do you think the parents will immediately dislike you? Likely you'll all laugh about it and forget it quickly.

Gift-giving

Gift-giving is a source of anxiety for most, but people with social anxiety are especially prone to believing that if they don't get the perfect gift, it means they're a failure. Combine that with getting a gift for someone whose opinion matters a lot to you (say, your boyfriend's parents who you're meeting for the first time, or even your own parents), and suddenly the stakes feel really high. Either you get the right gift (because there can only be one) or they'll hate you forever. If you're having these thoughts, ask yourself, "is there really only one thing this person would like?" Even if it's not the exact thing the person wanted, they'll probably still like it and appreciate that you got them something. It sounds cheesy, but it really is the thought that counts. Also, if you're worried giving the wrong gift = permanent ostracization, ask yourself if this is really true. While first impressions are important, it's unlikely one mediocre gift will define your relationship with this person forever.

Jordan, a 32-year-old Joyable client, worried about choosing the perfect wine to bring to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. He was convinced that "the wine I end up getting won't be any good." He challenged this thought by realizing it's the gesture that mattered, and that he was exaggerating the significance of the gift. "The contribution of the wine will likely be more important than any possible quality issues," he realized, and even if the wine ends up not being good, "it's a pretty small part of the whole dinner event."

Holiday social anxiety: understanding the causes

Social anxiety is when you're so worried about being judged by others that important things in your life become hard. It's more than occasional nervousness and different from introversion . Introverts might shy away from holiday parties and social gatherings simply because they prefer to spend their time in smaller groups or on more solitary activities. But if you're avoiding the party because you fear it (not because you'd rather do something else), then you might be struggling with social anxiety. When you're dreading or avoiding activities this holiday season, it's key to ask yourself why.

Around this time of year, you'll see plenty of "tips and tricks" type articles floating around online that offer ways to survive holiday social anxiety. These tips can be helpful, but to be most effective, it's useful to first understand a bit about what causes anxiety. Research suggests that one underlying cause of anxiety is negative thinking patterns. In other words, people with social anxiety tend to interpret situations in an especially negative way: more than others, they perceive social situations as going badly and attribute blame to themselves. For example, let's say someone responds curtly when you try to strike up a conversation with them. If you're socially anxious, you might jump to the conclusion that "this person thinks I'm boring." But there are lots of possible explanations for the curt response: maybe the person is just tired, or maybe they're preoccupied with other thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) , the leading treatment for social anxiety, works in part by teaching people to notice when they're making these negative interpretations. It then trains you to ask what evidence-if any-you have that your interpretation is true, and guides you to consider other explanations that cause less anxiety. We call this process thought challenging (refuting an automatic negative thought and replacing it with a more considered one). Many of the suggestions we offered in this guide gave you a taste of how thought challenging works.

Leave social anxiety behind in the new year

We hope this guide helps get you through some of those anxious moments this holiday season. Though the holidays may seem like an especially stressful time, it's not actually holiday-specific events that make you anxious. Instead, it's the way you're interpreting these events and the assumptions you're making about how badly they will go. If you're nervous about holiday parties because you think you're bad at making small talk and people will find you boring, these types of thoughts don't necessarily go away with the holidays. There are parties year-round, and you might find these fears surface each time you're invited to a social event.

If you're constantly worried about others judging you and it's getting in the way of your work, life or relationships, you might consider seeking help. There's no quick-fix for social anxiety, but a structured treatment program like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help you overcome your social anxiety over time. We've given you a small taste of CBT through the thought challenging examples in this guide. The holidays are a time for reflection, and they culminate with the New Year and resolutions. What could you accomplish if you overcame your social anxiety? Can you imagine being comfortable at work, at parties, in meetings and in public? Make your first resolution today: decide to conquer your social anxiety.

Sources:
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/parents-holiday.aspx
https://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder/social-anxiety-and-alcohol-abuse
Posted in Features

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Crowds, Chaos, and Cousins: 11 Reasons You're Anxious this Holiday Season (and How to Cope)

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
December strikes, and the holiday party invitations start to pour in. Christmas cheer assails you from every angle: Facebook floods with photos and invites, cards demand you have a Merry Christmas, Andy Williams won't shut up about how this is the most wonderful time of the year.

# data[].attributes.headline
Is it time for holiday from social media?

# data[].attributes.subject
Is it time for holiday from social media?

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
"Look," says Sasha, a 16-year-old junior in high school, scrolling slowly through her Instagram feed. "See: pretty coffee, pretty girl, cute cat, beach trip. It's all like that. Everyone looks like they're having the best day ever, all the time."

Magazines and advertising have long been criticized for upholding dangerously unrealistic standards of success and beauty, but at least it's acknowledged that they are idealized. The models wearing Size 0 clothing are just that: models. And even they are made-up, retouched, and photoshopped.

These days, however, the impossible standards are set much closer to home, not by celebrities and models but by classmates and friends. With social media, teens can curate their lives, and the resulting feeds read like highlight reels, showing only the best and most enviable moments while concealing efforts, struggles, and the merely ordinary aspects of day-to-day life. And there's evidence that those images are causing distress for many kids.

Donna Wick, EdD, founder of Mind-to-Mind Parenting, says that for teenagers the combined weight of vulnerability, the need for validation, and a desire to compare themselves with peers forms what she describes as a "perfect storm of self-doubt." She's so thin. Her grades are perfect. What a happy couple. I'll never be that cool, that skinny, that lucky, that successful.

Sometimes, says Sasha, looking at friends' feeds "makes you feel like everyone has it together but you."

The fallout from these unrealistic standards becomes more dangerous once kids reach college, where they face higher stakes, harder work, and a largely parent-free environment. The pressure to look perfect to impress new peers, not to speak of friends and family back home, can be even greater.

After a recent spate of college suicides, researchers at Stanford University coined the phrase "duck syndrome." The term refers to the way a duck appears to glide effortlessly across a pond while below the surface its feet work frantically, invisibly struggling to stay afloat.

Several students who have died had projected a perfect image on social media-their feeds packed with inspirational quotes and filtered images showing attractive, happy kids who seemed to excel with minimal effort. But behind the digital curtain they were struggling emotionally.

For kids experiencing anxiety or depression, carefully edited feeds can act as a smoke screen, masking serious issues behind pretend perfection and making it harder for parents or friends to see that they need help.

"It's important to remember that just posting edited pictures online or pretending your life is a little more glamorous than it is is not in itself a problem," says Jill Emanuele, PhD, Senior Director of the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. "Social media alone is unlikely to be at the heart of the issue, but it can make a difficult situation even harder."

Teens who have created idealized online personas may feel frustrated and depressed at the gap between who they pretend to be online and who they truly are.

"If you practice being a false self eight hours a day, it gets harder to accept the less-than-perfect being you really are," says Dr. Wick, "and as we all know there's no harsher judge of a kid than herself."

Another, more prevalent problem, says Dr. Emanuele, is that for some teens their social feeds can become fuel for negative feelings they have about themselves. Kids struggling with self-doubt read into their friends' images what they feel they are lacking.

"Kids view social media through the lens of their own lives," says Dr. Emanuele. "If they're struggling to stay on top of things or suffering from low self-esteem, they're more likely to interpret images of peers having fun as confirmation that they're doing badly compared to their friends."

Sasha and her friend Jacob, 15, agree that constant exposure to social media has had an impact on how they view their peers and themselves. "It's like you know it isn't making you happy," says Jacob of the pictures his friends post on Instagram. "But you still look."

Even the knowledge that these images mask serious problems doesn't seem to alleviate the pressure they cause.

"I knew a girl who had an eating disorder. We all knew it. It got so bad that she ended up going to a treatment center, but when she put pictures up of herself on the beach looking super-thin everyone liked them anyway," says Sasha.

Logically, she says, she knew the pictures weren't current and the girl was very ill, but that didn't stop her from feeling a twinge of jealousy. "I remember thinking 'I wish I looked like that' and then being horrified at myself."

Sasha also acknowledges the trouble of "liking" images that in this case provided dangerous validation. "It's like we were saying, 'Good job.' "

What can parents do to help kids build a safe and reasonable relationship with social media before they're out on their own?

Dr. Wick says keeping teens from falling into the social media trap is more complicated than it sounds. "It's not about taking the phone away or having a single conversation." She says, "Parents need to be diligent about making sure kids are getting a dose of reality and need to model healthy behaviors."

Take social media seriously. Don't underestimate the role social media plays in the lives of teenagers, warns Dr. Wick. "The power of a visual image is so strong. It's disorienting." Many teens, she says, never knew a world where social media didn't exist, and for them the things that happen online-slights, break-ups, likes, or negative comments-are very real. When you talk about social media make sure you're really listening and be careful not to dismiss or minimize your teen's experiences.

Encourage them to think outside the (crop) box. When you talk to your child about social media, encourage her to explore it in a more critical way. A great way to start is to try asking her what she thinks has been cropped or edited out of her friends' "perfect" pictures and why. That can lead to larger questions. Do you think your friends are really the people they appear to be online? Are you? What's the purpose of posting a photo? What is it about getting "likes" that feels good? Does looking at social media affect your mood?

Model a healthy response to failure. "Kids have to get the message that it is okay to fail," says Dr. Wick. "And not only that it's okay to fail, but that showing it is okay, too." If parents hide their own failures, kids are less likely to be okay with anything less than success. "When things don't work out as you'd planned or a project goes awry, show your child how to accept it with grace," she adds. "Let kids know that failure is part of how we learn to succeed, that it's nothing to be ashamed of and let them see you pick yourself up and try again."

Praise (and show) effort. "Effort is something to be proud of," says Dr. Wick. "It can't be said enough." Parents should let kids know that showing their work is something to be praised, not hidden. When your child has worked hard on something, praise her efforts no matter what the outcome. It's also helpful to examine how comfortable you are showing your own efforts, especially those that don't end in success. Being proud and open about your own work sets a powerful example for your child.

Go on a "social holiday." If you're worried that your child is getting too wrapped up in social media, try taking a social holiday. "This means everyone," says Dr. Wick. If you're asking your child to take a break, practice what you preach and pledge to stay off media as well. It can be every bit as hard for parents to unplug as kids."

Trust people, not pictures. Finally, don't rely on social media to let you know how your child is really doing. She may post smiling selfies all day long, but if she seems unhappy or sounds unhappy on the phone, don't let it go. Make sure she knows it's safe to talk to you by encouraging her to share her feelings and supporting her when she does. Reassure her that you're not disappointed, and let her know you're proud of her for reaching out. "I'm so glad you called. It sounds like you're feeling really overwhelmed, I'm here and I love you. Let's talk this through together."

In the end, as a parent you want your child to be happy and successful. But making sure she knows you love her and you're proud of her as she is-unfiltered, unedited, imperfect-will help her build confidence she needs to accept herself and stay safe and healthy when she's out on her own.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Social Media and Self-Doubt - Child Mind Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Read about social media and self esteem in kids. CMI discusses how social media can make teens self-conscious and insecure, and how to protect your kids from harm.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
View the holidays as an opportunity to enhance your psychological well-being and take steps to prevent holiday stress and ensure a worry-free season.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
The holiday season can bring mixed emotions for many. For some, it's their favorite time of year. For others, it brings feelings of sadness and loss. Seeing old friends and family members may be exciting or may bring up memories of disappointments.

Do you ever get together with your family and notice you've all of a sudden become that 13-year-old teenager again who's arguing with your parents or siblings? Or perhaps you find yourself looking at a sibling and thinking for the first time in 20 years, "Mom always loved her better." Sometimes when we see family members, we revert to old childhood patterns which may hurt us and remind us of difficult times. Even though we think we've worked through these patterns, they just seem to crop right back up.

Feeling depressed or anxious is not unusual during the holiday season. Upcoming dinners, parties, and other family or friend gatherings may cause a great deal of stress. These feelings may be even worse for those who have experienced divorce, lost a loved one, are living far from family and friends, etc.

Here are some tips to "Beat the Holiday Blues":
1. Keep your regular routine.
A change in routine can lead to additional stress. Try to exercise at your usual time, go to meetings that you normally go to, and stick to as normal a diet as you possibly can.
2. Think moderation.
While it may be easy to drink and eat too much at parties and special dinners, we should try not to overindulge with food and/or alcohol. Remember, eating and drinking may feel like they temporarily "ease the pain" of the holiday blues, but they can also lead to feelings of guilt.
3. Be realistic, and try not to expect the "ideal" holiday.
So many of us have an idealized version of what the holidays should be like and are very disappointed when they don't live up to those expectations. Try to be realistic. Remember, nobody has a perfect holiday or perfect family.
4. Stay connected.
Make sure to leave time to spend with friends and/or family who value you. And if they don't live close by, call them for a "reality check" or some "grounding." Remember to ask for support if you need it.
5. Throw guilt out the window.
Try not to put unreasonable pressure on yourself to be happy, to rejoice, or even to enjoy the holidays. Likewise, try not to overanalyze your interactions with others. Give yourself a break this holiday season.
6. Don't be alone, if you don't want to be.
If you anticipate spending the holidays alone, try to volunteer somewhere, like in a soup kitchen, with children in group homes, or the elderly in various facilities. People will so appreciate you that you may feel better about yourself, but more imporantly, you'll have company.

7. Focus on today, not yesterday.

There's something about being with family and old friends that makes us become who we were and not who we are. When you find yourself reverting to old childhood patterns with family members, try to walk away for a minute and remember who you are now. Also remember that it's not necessary to play the same role as you did when you were younger, even if others are encouraging you to do so by their behaviors. If there is someone at the get-together who knows what you are like today, make sure to reach out to them and draw them into the interactions. That will help to ground you.
8. Just say no.
It's OK to say no when you're asked to do more than you can. It's fine to say no to some invitations and fine to say no to those asking for favors. Remember, this is your holiday too!
9. Ask for help.
Holidays are often a time people attempt to take on too much or do too much on their own. It's OK to ask for help from family and friends. Whether for decorating, shopping, cooking, or a shoulder to lean on, ASK.
10. Be good to yourself.
If you're feeling blue, pamper yourself. Do what feels good, and what you want to do. Try to take a walk or spend time alone, if that's what you want. Remember, this is your holiday too, and you can be there for yourself just like you try to be for everyone else.

The holidays only come once a year and only last for a few weeks. If you follow these 10 tips, you might just find this year to be more joyful and less stressful.

Have a peaceful holiday season!

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
The holiday season can bring mixed emotions for many. For some, it's their favorite time of year. For others, it brings feelings of sadness and loss. Seeing old friends and family members may be exciting or may bring up memories of disappointments.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Amidst the obligatory family gatherings and reconnecting with high-school friends, help your child channel his or her charitable spirit into action and thoughtful holiday giving.

# data[].attributes.headline
Coping with loneliness or grief during the holidays.

# data[].attributes.subject
Coping with loneliness or grief during the holidays.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
It's the time of the year that is deemed the happiest, but if you're feeling alone or going through grief, it can be hard to get into the holiday spirit.

On top of this, social media tends to make some people feel the worst this season: feeds are filled with family dinners, opening gifts and pictures of people in a happy mood.

"It goes without saying that being bombarded with images of happy families and gifts at this time of the year can make those who have neither feel even worse," says Lesli Musicar, a registered psychotherapist based in Toronto.

"So perhaps it is better to avoid social media if you are already feeling lonely."
READ MORE: Some experts say Christmas music can be bad for your mental health
Feeling alone

There are multiple reasons someone may feel lonely during the holiday season. They could be living away from their family or friends, or don't have many friends in their new city. Sometimes, you can feel lonely even if you're surrounded by loved ones.

"If you are someone with few or no close connections, doing volunteer work where you will feel appreciated and not alone can be a good antidote to the Christmas blues," Musicar continues.
READ MORE: For any Canadian who feels lonely, this project proves you're not truly alone
Psychologist Maneet Bhatia says feeling alone or isolated from time to time is also completely "normal," and it doesn't matter if you're with someone or by yourself - we all tend to feel lonely.

"Part of loneliness is having the courage to reach out," he tells Global News. "And it can get overwhelming sometimes."

He suggests taking small steps and showing compassion towards yourself. Ask a friend for coffee, he suggests, rather than feeling the pressure to throw a large holiday dinner.

Depression and the holidays

The Mayo Clinic notes the holidays can also be a stressful time for people with depression or anxiety. Holidays often put pressure on people to throw parties, buy the perfect gift and entertain large groups of family members.

"The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos," the clinic notes.
WATCH: Dealing with depression during the holidays

Bhatia says if you are depressed, it's time to let go of the expectations that come with this time of year.

"We put so much pressure on ourselves to do something big and important ... it's just a time of the year," he says. "It's OK to take a break from everything."

It's also important to remember to keep up with your daily meals, exercise regularly and like Musicar says, monitor your daily social media use.

Going through grief

Grief is another reason people may be dreading the holidays, especially if they're struggling with the recent passing of a family member or friend, or if the anniversary is close to Christmas.

"If you are recently bereaved, the holidays can be especially painful," Musicar says. "This is when it is important not to be alone."

Musicar adds it is better to share your grief with other family members or friends, who either share your loss or have had one of their own.

"Sometimes being able to show your grief allows others to do the same. And it generally feels better to let it out than to hold it in and pretend it isn't there. "
READ MORE: Loneliness even unhealthier than obesity, should be a public health priority
Bhatia says it is also important for others in your life to be mindful of your surroundings. Certain music or holiday traditions can evoke memories or emotions, and letting your family members or friends know that helps.

And if you need to grieve, just let it out.

"It's OK to be grieving or create new holiday traditions and ways of coping."

arti.patel@globalnews.ca
Follow @ArtiPatel

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Holidays can be painful for people dealing with loneliness or grief - here's how to cope

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
It's the time of the year that is deemed the happiest, but if you're feeling alone or going through grief, it can be hard to get into the holiday spirit. On top of this, social media tends to make some people feel the worst this season: feeds are filled with family dinners, opening gifts and pictures of people in a happy mood.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
It's the beginning of the holiday season and with the holidays comes stress. Each year we feel a mix of joy and anxiety when we approach the days before holidays. The holidays can bring stress starting in November and go straight through until the new year. We experience a combination of stressors related to financial costs of the holidays, family coming to stay and the conflicts it may bring, and the stress of trying to have the perfect meal and holiday all together. If you're one of those people who feel the pressure of the holidays, here are 8 tips to help feel balanced, happy and stress-free:

7. Gratitude- this is the time of year that we should spend more time counting our blessings, remembering what we have instead of worrying about what we don't. Instead of "Keeping up with the Jones's," take a minute to appreciate the abundance of love, health, family, and friends. Teach your kids about abundance. They should know that the most important things in life are the things that make us the happiest: good relationships with family and friends, a partner we can share our life with and a full schedule of social activities that involve lots of smiling and laughing.

These symptoms are all warning signs of too much stress and anxiety in our life. This is a sign to slow down and take a time out.

Diane Lang - Positive Living Expert and psychotherapist - is a nationally recognized author, educator, speaker, therapist and media expert. Lang is extremely mediagenic and offers expertise on a variety of health and wellness topics about creating balance and finding happiness through positive living. Lang offers expertise in multiple mental health, lifestyle and parenting needs. In addition to holding multiple counseling positions, Diane is also an adjunct professor at Montclair State University and Centenary College.

For more information on Diane Lang or her new book: Creating Balance & Finding Happiness , please visit her website: www.dlcounseling.com

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
7. Gratitude- this is the time of year that we should spend more time counting our blessings, remembering what we have instead of worrying about what we don't. Instead of "Keeping up with the Jones's," take a minute to appreciate the abundance of love, health, family, and friends.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
Lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. Puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares.

Parenting Guides

Ask an Expert

Video Resources

Explore our library of expert-led videos to support your child's mental health. Our videos cover anxiety, depression, social media, and much more.

Get Started

Our Editorial Mission

The Child Mind Institute's Family Resource Center is committed to providing up-to-date, authoritative and actionable information about children's mental health and well-being.

Subscribe to Our Newsletters

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Family Resource Center - Child Mind Institute

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
Lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. Puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares. Parenting Guides Ask an Expert Explore our library of expert-led videos to support your child's mental health. Our videos cover anxiety, depression, social media, and much more.

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.readable_text
THIS WEEK'S TOP TOPICS
Stress, depression and the holidays: 10 tips for coping
The holiday season often brings unwelcome guests: stress and depression. The holidays present a dizzying array of demands. When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past. Here are 10 practical ways to find peace and joy.

Video: 'Holiday Heart Attack and Stroke Risk'
The holidays can be exciting, stressful, fun and exhausting all at once. The holidays also can be dangerous due to increased risk of heart attack and stroke. Hear from Dr. Kevin Barrett, a Mayo Clinic neurologist, about the causes of this increased risk and what you can do to keep yourself safe.

EXPERT ANSWERS
Do asthma-friendly products reduce symptoms?
If you or someone in your family has asthma, your health care provider may recommend that you take steps to control asthma triggers in your home. Purchasing asthma-friendly products may seem like a good step. However, while a number of manufacturers claim that their asthma-friendly products reduce asthma triggers better than other products, often these claims aren't backed up with solid evidence. There's no sure way to tell how much a particular product might ease your asthma symptoms, but here are some tips to keep in mind before spending your money.

Are lung nodules cancerous?
Lung nodules are small masses of tissue in the lung that appear as round, white shadows on a chest X-ray or CT scan. Lung nodules are common. Most are noncancerous and do not require treatment. In some cases, though, your health care provider may recommend annual chest imaging to see if a lung nodule grows or changes over time. Learn more from Dr. Eric J. Olson, a Mayo Clinic pulmonary and critical care medicine physician.
PLUS ADDITIONAL HIGHLIGHTS
Benign prostatic hyperplasia Need practical advice on diet and exercise? Want creative solutions for stress and other lifestyle issues? Discover more healthy lifestyle topics at mayoclinic.org. Receive a free e-subscription to Housecall and other health newsletters. Pseudobulbar affect Video: 'How to Choose Resistance Tubing'
Palliative care: Symptom relief during illness
HEALTH TIP OF THE WEEK
Reduce tension through muscle relaxation
Progressive muscle relaxation can reduce muscle tension from stress. Find a quiet place free from interruption. Tense each muscle group for about five seconds and then relax for 30 seconds. Repeat before moving to the next muscle group. Practice this technique any time you feel stress.

Related articles

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.title
Housecall: 10 tips for coping with holiday stress - Mayo Clinic News Network

# data[].attributes.attachment_link.description
THIS WEEK'S TOP TOPICS Stress, depression and the holidays: 10 tips for coping The holiday season often brings unwelcome guests: stress and depression. The holidays present a dizzying array of demands. When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup.