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Relationships Archives | Live Bold and Bloom

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Want to improve your relationships? Get relationship help.

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Healthy Friend Relationships | Teens & The Relationship ABCs

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Everyone needs friends, & you probably have at least one. A friend is defined as a person you know well and regard with affection, trust, & respect.

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How To Improve Relationships With Your Parents.

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How To Improve Relationships With Your Parents.

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Man.., parents are... are.... complicated.

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This is the last part of my 4-part series on how to improve your relationship with your parents. If you are new to this series, start with part 1 first.
As you look at your relationship with your parents today, how would you describe it?

Is it a state you are happy with? Would you rate it 10/10? Is it one where you'll say "this is the best, most ideal state I can ever be with my parents"?

Many of you shared in the comments about your strained relationship with your parents. Some of you have tried multiple times to mend things, but with little success. Some of you are frustrated with where the relationship is heading. Some of you face difficulty communicating with your parents, even though theoretically it shouldn't be the case since you speak the same language.

I'd like to thank all of you for sharing your stories so openly. Whatever the difficulty you're facing with your parents today, I'd like to let you know that you're not alone in the problem. I struggled in my relationship with my parents for one and a half decade. During this period, I faced multiple challenges before I was finally able to achieve resolution in this area.

Challenges in Improving Parent-Child Relationships

Relationships are always the hardest goals to work on, because they involve another party. This adds a whole new dynamic, compared to goals like earn $X income or lose X weight, which are more static and linear.

Especially parent-child relationships - they are even more challenging due to the following reasons:

1. Years of baggage. Unlike other relationships where you start from a clean slate, with parent-child relationships, you have baggage built up from young. This weighs down the relationship. Rather than work toward the vision, sometimes you may need to work through the baggage first, which makes the goal bigger than it already is. Also this baggage may house subconscious triggers which make you behave out of character around your parents, making it even harder to work on the goal objectively.

2. Non-reciprocation. While deep down you may want to improve your relationship with your parents, your parents may not have that intention. They may well be okay with how the relationship is today. This makes it near impossible to improve the situation, since effort is required both ways to make things work.

3. Differences in vision. What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents? For them to be stronger mentor figures? To be more open in communication? To be more emotionally expressive? To be good friends with each other? Whatever it is, they may not share the same ideal. If that's the case, if expectations are already different at the on-start, conflict is inevitable.

4. Generation gap. Being brought up in different generations create deep-seated implications, from differences in communication style, mindset, world views, philosophy on life, way of expressing love, and so on. With my parents, our generation gap created a very deep chasm that made it near impossible us to communicate, until after I came to my revelations.

5. Different personality types. Your parents may have personalities which make it impossible for you to relate to. With my mom, she can be very stubborn, opinionated, and difficult. With my dad, he's very quiet and inexpressive. Our personalities don't gel at all, and this made it very difficult for me when I was trying to work through the relationship at the beginning.

How to Improve Your Relationship with Parents

See it as a journey

The first thing I want to point out is that improving your relationship with your parents isn't a "follow X-step and Y-step, then you can see results right away" goal. In fact, you may not even see any changes for a while for that matter. To improve your relationship with your parents is an ongoing, work-in-process goal - an end point does not exist.

While I was working on my relationship with my parents in the past, one of my biggest challenges was that my efforts often seemed futile. For example, when I tried to strike up a conversation with my parents, they were not receptive. There was a period two years ago when I went all out to draw us closer, making big steps (in my opinion) like hugging them and writing cards to tell them how much I loved them and appreciated them for bringing me up.

The response ranged from weak to negative. With the hugging, my mom violently pushed me away as I mentioned in Part-2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap, much to my shock and horror. My dad didn't return the hug. With the cards, there was no direct response from my dad or mom. With the conversation attempts, my mom would snap back and ask me why I was asking so many questions, while my dad would give his usual mono-syllabic responses.

There was even a point when I wanted to rearrange the layout in the kitchen because we had an awkward dining room layout that prevented the family from having meals together. We would always be dining separately - my brother and me in our rooms, my mom in the kitchen, and my dad in the living room. However when I suggested the idea, my mom would vehemently rejected it (as she hated change); and when I went ahead and did it anyway, she lost her temper and shifted everything back.

That was when I realized my relationship with my parents wasn't one that could be mended overnight. We're not talking about mending a one-time conflict. We're talking about mending a lifetime of arguments, miscommunication, conflicts, and misunderstandings.

To think that I could resolve all past grievances with just a few "nice" actions was incredibly naive on my part. Even though I did muster a lot of strength to initiate the hugs and write/give them the cards, these actions alone were not enough to mend the gap. Clearly, *a lot* more work had to be done. (I continued to work on the relationship for years after that, even to this day.)

If I switched to their perspective, their (lack of) reaction at that time was completely understandable. Imagine - Up till that point, all our interactions had been abrasive, usually from me to them. Hence for me to suddenly be warm and fuzzy toward them - it was no wonder they were unsure of how to act. They had probably formed a hard shell all these years to protect themselves from further hurt. They probably thought my niceness was a fluke; a randomity; that things would go back to the way they were the next day, and I would be abrasive toward them again.

It was then my responsibility to let them know that things were truly different, that I had grown into a different person, and that I was serious about improving our relationship. How? Not through saying it, but through consistent effort. Through consistent effort on my part, they slowly became more receptive to my actions.

Remember these things take time. The rebuilding of trust is a delicate process.

If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, be ready to commit to this as a journey, and not some X step, X thing you execute in one week or one month. Let them know you're truly sincere in changing the situation. Let them know that you're not just doing this as a one-off fluke. Anticipate negativity in their reactions at first, because your changed behavior is probably new to them and they're trying to adjust. Consistent effort is the key.

Release the parent-child ideal in your mind

Many of us have a parent-child ideal etched in our mind - be it from when we were a child, or as a teenager. This ideal probably formed when we were watching TV, when we witnessed interactions between our friends and their parents, when we read about parent-child relationships in books, and the like.

Believe it or not, the best way to progress your relationship with your parents is to drop the ideal. Drop whatever ideal you have painted in your head for you and your parents. The sooner you release yourself of this self-limiting vision, the sooner the relationship will blossom and come into its own.

As you've read from my story, my past parent-child relationship ideal was for my parents to be my best friends. I yearned for us to communicate openly and share anything and everything with each other. I yearned for us to be able to express our care and concern for each other, without reservation. I yearned for us to discuss decisions about my life, to have intelligent conversations, to engage each other on a deep, meaningful level.

When I worked on our relationship with this ideal in mind, I faced resistance the whole time - from them to me, from me to them, and from me to myself. In all my efforts to create an open communication channel with my parents, I would be frustrated with them for not responding in kind.

Why are they not reciprocating my efforts? I thought. Why are they being so difficult? Can't they see that I'm trying very hard to make things work out?

Ironically, it was when I dropped the ideal 3-4 months ago (in March '11) that our relationship was finally able to grow (as I mentioned in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness). It was then that I realized, to my shock, that my parents had been trying so hard to improve our relationship (via their own way) the entire time. I was unfortunately unable to "see" that because I was so fixated on my one ideal.

When you approach your relationship with your parents with a fixed ideal, you suffocate the relationship. Firstly, you limit how the relationship can develop. It's like creating a scaffolding over a seedling and insisting it grows to X shape and Y size - it doesn't work that way. Not only that, it's unfair for your parents because it's not an ideal you've consulted them on. It may be an ideal to you, but not to them, not to the family. The only situation when having an ideal works is when it has been co-created and endorsed by both parties.

The seedling, i.e. your relationship with your parents, can blossom to a beautiful plant on its own, but first you need to give it space to grow. Doing that means removing the scaffolding and eliminating your ideal, i.e. the "fixations" you have for the relationship. Stop expecting them to be someone/something they are not. Instead, accept them as who they are today.

Appreciate what they can offer in their capacity

A lot of times we get frustrated with our parents at all the things they don't do or can't do. For example, we may be frustrated at how they are so traditional. We may be frustrated at how close-minded they are. We may be frustrated at their resistance to everything we want to try or do in life. We may be frustrated at how slow they are with things.

Rather than get hung up over how your parents aren't doing X or Y, learn to appreciate what they can offer in their capacity instead.

For example, say you're frustrated that you only meet your parents once a month. And that even though you arrange for more frequent meet-ups, they never seem to make themselves available. It's easy to be annoyed with your parents because your ideal is to meet every week. But if you let go of the ideal (see previous point) and appreciate what they can offer you in their current capacity (which is to meet once a month only), you place much less tension on the relationship.

For me, I used to be frustrated at how my parents can't fulfill my need to share and relate. I would ask them about themselves, and they would clam up. After I realized it was just not in their natural disposition to talk about themselves or their feelings, I realized I was being selfish by imposing my needs on them. With that, I learned to let go of this expectation, and instead have learned to appreciate what they can offer.

For example, my dad cooks, so when I'm at home, I will eat out less often so that he can cook for me. My mom is a meticulous housemaker and she prides herself at keeping herself up to speed with the needs of the household. Hence, I will let her know if I want any groceries/vegetables/fruits so she can get them. Doing so make them happy, because it is their way of making a difference in my life. I am perfectly fine with cooking for myself or getting my own groceries, but because I know they want to be a part of my life, I create the space for them to do so.

Understand what you are looking for underneath the ideal

The parent-child ideal we create in our mind is usually a projection of something. Our desire to achieve the ideal represents an underlying need that yearns to be fulfilled. The sooner you can identify what you're looking underneath the ideal, the sooner you can tackle that, as opposed to using the ideal as a proxy of achieving the need, because one may not equate to another.

Let me give an example. A while back, I worked with a client who wanted her dad to be a strong mentor figure. For her dad had always been busy with his work, and was often out of the picture in her life. She felt she lacked a strong father figure. Because of that, she would seek older, fatherly figures to get guidance - be it in her professors, in her bosses, or in her pastors.

Despite all the guidance she received, she still longed for her dad to step in as her mentor.

Was the problem because she lacked guidance? No, it wasn't. She had more smart, highly capable and successful figures giving her support and advice than anyone else. In fact, many people I know don't have a mentor, and they do perfectly well. Not only that, she is an incredibly smart and talented person. She is perfectly capable of guiding herself and solving her problems.

Truth is, she longed for her dad to be her mentor figure because she associated mentorship as love. To her, love meant being watched over, getting guidance and advice, being cared for, and so on. Even though her dad would talk to her occasionally, ferry her to work, participate in family dinners, and spend time with the family when he was not working, these did not register as love to her.

Mentorship, on the other hand, did.

How about you? What is your ideal for your relationship with your parents?

If you look underneath this ideal, what is it you're looking for?

Is achieving this ideal indicative of that need being met? Or is it just in your head?

In the past, I wanted my parents to be my best friends because I saw open communication and relating to one another as love. Hence, I went out of the way to bridge our communication gap. I tried to talk to them where I could. I would ask them questions about their day, how their work went, their future plans, etc.

If they reciprocated, that meant they loved me; if they didn't, it meant they didn't care.

At least that was what I thought.

Yet I was looking in the wrong place the whole time. For even though they didn't reciprocate, it was because open communication was not their language of love (see below on "Language of Love"). They had been trying to show me they love me all this while, through their actions (as I shared in Part-3: Revelations and Happiness). They had been trying so hard to express their love, but I had not been able to see it because I had been so blind-sided - so fixated on that one ideal, on that one expression of love.

If you're reading PE, we're probably similar in that you enjoy relating to others and having earnest, meaningful conversations. Chances are you would like to have deep conversations with your parents, beyond superficial chats. Chances are you want to hug and say "I love you" to your parents, if you're not already doing so. Chances are you want to be emotionally closer to them. But for some reason, it's not happening today.

If it helps, the reason why your parents aren't doing that isn't necessarily because they don't love you. It's probably because they're not equipped in those "languages" of expression - be it sharing of emotions, open communication, physical hugging, or directly saying "I love you". It's just not how they express themselves to the world.

However, they would have their way of expressing love. Maybe it's via disapproving of our decisions in life, because they are just too afraid we'll suffer when we stray from the main path. Maybe it's via constant worrying, because they don't want to see us get hurt. Maybe it's via nagging, because they want to make sure everything goes well for us. Maybe it's via their fixation with work, because doing well at work means financial security, which means the family is well cared for.

Clearly, whether your parents love you or not is not contingent upon whether they fulfill your ideal. The ideal is just some image we painted up in our minds. Achieving it doesn't mean anything, to be honest.

Chances are, what you're seeking with your ideal (be it love from your parents, acceptance by your parents, self-validation, affirmation, etc) is already right there before you, before your very eyes. Don't fixate yourself so much with your ideal that you miss the very thing you're looking for - only to see it when it's too late. The moment you release yourself of this ideal is when the healing between you and your parents begin.

Think about how you can be a better child to them

A lot of times we pinpoint faults in our parents, wondering why they can't be smarter / richer / more open-minded / less stubborn / more positive / less naggy / quieter / more supportive / etc.

Instead of that, try a different tack - think about how you can be a better child to them.

So, how can you be a better child to your parents?

Start by being sensitive to their needs. Speak to them in their language of love (see next point). Don't make things difficult for them. Let them have their way if it's not a life or death situation. Pre-empt things they need help in (usually technology-related stuff if your parents are not tech-savvy), as parents can be quite unwilling to ask for help unless they're pushed to the wall. Visit them often (if you don't live with your parents). Take them out for a meal - make it a weekly or biweekly occasion if possible. Give them a call just so they know you're thinking of them right now.

In being a better child to them, note it's not about molding yourself to become their ideal of what a son/daughter should be (assuming they have an ideal). You want to stay true to yourself and improve how you treat your parents in your own way.

Speak to them in their language of love

Language of love refers to the way someone expresses love. Different people have different ways of expressing love - some via physical touch, via words, via actions, etc. In the book 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman states the 5 key love languages people use are: (1) Words of affirmation (2) Quality time (spent together) (3) Receiving gifts (4) Acts of service (5) Physical touch.

Being brought up in a different generation, it's not surprising to know our language of love is likely different from our parents'. For example, my parents express their love via acts of service. They like to do things for me. For me, I express love via giving words of affirmation. I also use other ways to express my love, but verbal communication is the primary method I use. (And hence why I'm always telling all of you how much I love you via the blog. 😀 )

This difference created a big rift between us at the beginning. I would try to communicate with them, but get nothing in return. In turn, they kept trying to do things like buy food for me and cook for me, but I would get frustrated with their obsession with food (some of which you may have read about in the fasting series). It wasn't until I recognized their underlying intentions that things changed.

What do you think represents love to your parents? Rather than "speak" to your parents in your language of love, speak to them in their language of love. This means if their language of love is quality time together, then spend more time with them. If their language of love is receiving gifts, then buy a small gift that means something to both of you. If their language of love is words of affirmation, give them a compliment and/or tell them I love you. They will be able to recognize your intentions more easily that way, and accept them more readily.

Do that every day, with every opportunity you have. Don't stop doing that.

Don't coerce them into accepting a language they cannot recognize. An example would be to insist on hugging them when they're clearly uncomfortable with the idea. While you may have the best intentions, you are just imposing your beliefs onto them. Again, learn to "speak" to them in their language, not in your language. You'll get much better and faster results this way.

Start from existing channels that are already open

If your relationship with your parents is very sour, start from the channels that are already open.

For example, what are the points of contact between you and your parents today? Monthly family dinners? Occasional email exchanges? Sporadic phone calls? Start from there. And work your way up.

My relationship with my parents went downhill during my preadolescent years. Countless arguments, doors slammed in faces mid-way during our verbal fights, shouting, yelling at each other, etc. Because of that, by the time I tried to improve the relationship (when I was 24 or so - 2-3 years ago), many doors between us had been shut close.

This was why when I tried to start our relationship on a fresh slate, I faced an immense amount of resistance. Whenever I tried to engage them in a conversation, I was "slapped" with a huge wave of negativity - particularly from my mom, who has a very "hard" personality. Conversation was clearly a "closed" channel due to nasty experiences we had in the past.

I figured that it was easier to start from existing channels. For example, occasionally my parents would ask me for help in reading their English mail (which they can't understand; they are Chinese educated). In the past, I found it burdensome and would push their requests to later in the evening. But then I realized these requests probably meant a lot to my parents, so I became more helpful and patient whenever they sought my help.

Another example is when my parents ask me what I want to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, as part of a daily routine. In the past, I would just say "Nothing" or "I've already eaten", since I make my own meals (or eat out). After a while, I realized meal preparation is one of the few things my parents can do for me today, so I began to leave my daily meals in their hands. They readily soaked in these opportunities too, which they saw as a way of being a part in my life.

As for my parents' general lack of desire to communicate verbally, I decided that if we can't speak much, then at least I can spend more time with them. So during the evenings, I would join my dad to watch TV. I don't watch TV myself and I don't care a lot about the TV shows, but to me these 30-45 minutes spent with my dad (and sometimes my mom joins in as well) is well worth the investment of time.

With these existing channels established, it became easier for us to add new layers to our relationship. For example, after they became involved in preparing my daily meals, it created the platform for us to talk, since we had to discuss what I wanted to eat. From there, it provided the opening for us to talk about other things.

I also took the step further by buying cakes for my mom and dad during Mother's Day and Father's Day this year, something that's not a practice in my family as my parents are strongly against such expenditures (they see them as a waste of money). While they didn't overtly say anything (my dad did say thanks, and even took a picture of the cake with his phone), I know they're touched by the gesture.

And when I left for Europe this year (2011), I allowed my dad to send me off at the airport. Normally I would reject his request (or anyone's for that matter) to send me off, because I see it as unnecessary and a total waste of the person's time. Plus I like to be alone when I'm at the airport - I enjoy the quiet time by myself before I depart for another destination. But I realized it's his way of showing his love for me (see point above on "Language of Love"), so I accepted his offer.

At the moment (Jul 23 2011) I'm in Germany, Cologne, and I stay in touch with my parents via Skype calls (a huge step forward for us considering we could never hold a conversation longer than 20 seconds in the past). Our relationship has progressed to where it is today via building up from pieces left between us, after many years of verbal fighting. (Update Feb 2012: I've since returned back home to Singapore after a seven-month travel!)

Likewise, no matter how dire your relationship is with your parents today, there are openings you can start off with. If there aren't (i.e. your connection with your parent(s) has been severed), try the last mode of communication - where you guys left off. Then work from there.

In Conclusion

This has been a long series and I hope you have found it helpful in working on your relationship with your parents.

No matter how the state of your relationship with your parents is today, trust that it can become better - if you want to make it better.

For a long while, I had totally given up hope on my relationship with my parents. I thought it was irreparable, and whatever was done could never be reversed.

But as you've clearly seen, this isn't true. Through a change in thinking and conscious effort, our relationship has improved quite dramatically in the past couple of years. And words can't express how happy I am about that.

Thank you for all your wonderful comments, support, and open sharing on the first 3 parts. If you found the series helpful in any way, please share it on Facebook and Twitter (via the share buttons below). The more people who get to access this resource, the more lives we get to change around the world. Let's work together to make the world a more beautiful place. 🙂
This is the last part of my 4-part series on how to improve your relationship with your parents.

1. How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 1: A Child's Wish

2. How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 2: A Pervasive, Widening Gap

3. How I Found Peace in My Relationship with My Parents, Part 3: Revelations and Happiness

4. How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

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How to Improve Your Relationship With Your Parents: A Delicate Guide

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This is the last part of my 4-part series on how to improve your relationship with your parents. If you are new to this series, start with part 1 first. As you look at your relationship with your parents today, how would you describe it? Is it a state you are happy with?

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Does this picture look more like a dream family than a real one?

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I totally disagree with this prabaly becuase i'm a kid.

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There is a purely emotional part of the parent/child relationship that is built on affection and esteem. Parents and children are genetically geared to love each other, and it's a beautiful thing to behold.

But there's a stage where parenting becomes a functional role, not just an emotional role. With infants, the emotional role shows when a mother demonstrates her love by holding, talking and singing to the child. The functional role involves feeding, changing diapers and bathing the baby. One without the other is damaging for the child. So if she just loved that child but didn't do the responsible functional things, that child would be at great risk and would be harmed and neglected. If she just took care of the functional things and didn't show that child any love, it would have long term effects on the child's emotional development. The emotional and functional parenting roles go hand in hand. It's not healthy to emphasize one at the cost of the other.

"I think parents often make the mistake of making their child their confidante. The child is not morally, emotionally or intellectually prepared to play that role."

I think as kids grow older, the parent's role becomes more functional and less emotional, which is a hard lesson for parents who want to be their child's "best friend." As parents, they may feel those emotions inside, but they really have to do more for their child functionally, and set limits with the child. Limit setting is a very healthy function. It's how kids learn to figure out what's safe and what's not safe. What's appropriate and what's not appropriate. The functional role changes for parents as the child grows. With a one-year-old, it involves changing diapers. With an eight-year-old, the functional role involves getting homework done. With a fifteen-year-old, it involves enforcing a responsible curfew.

Why You Shouldn't Make Your Child Your Confidante

I think parents often make the mistake of making their child their confidante. So when they say, "I want to be his friend, and I want him to be my friend," what they're really saying is "I want be his confidante." And that just does not fit with the functional role of a parent.

It's a very well-meaning trap that parents fall into. They want to share with the child how they really feel about their grandmother. How they really feel about their neighbor. How they really feel about their teacher. But it's ineffective because the child is not morally, emotionally or intellectually prepared to play that role. If you're forty years old and you want a confidante, find another forty-year-old. Find a fifty-year-old. Find a thirty-five-year old. But don't look for a ten-year-old or a thirteen-year-old or a five-year-old.

If parents think teachers are in error, they should keep that to themselves and their peers and deal with the school directly. If you think the teacher's an idiot for not letting your child chew gum in the room, you can be your kid's "best friend" and say, "That's a stupid rule and that teacher's a jerk." Or you can be a functional parent and say, "Boy, I really disliked that rule when I was in school too. But I had to follow the rules." Two different responses. Both responses empathize with the child, but one makes him a confidante, which is ineffective. The other teaches him the importance of following rules. Remember this: if you punch holes in authority figures, thinking you're being a confidante with your kid, don't be surprised when he disrespects that authority figure. And then if you give him consequences for that disrespect, he's going to look at you as a hypocrite.

When you make your child your confidante, you are saying that you and the child are co-decision makers. But the fact is, you and your child are not co-decision makers in any realistic way. Kids can offer you their opinion. They can tell you what they like and dislike. But certainly decisions, especially important ones but even certain minor ones, have to be made by you, the parent. Kids have to understand that the family moves as a unit and the adults make the decisions.

I think you can certainly share some things with a child without turning him into a confidante. One of the things you can share with a child is the statement, "We can't afford that." It's a factual statement that explains the limits under which you must live. What you shouldn't share with the child is, "I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent this month." It's something that the child is not prepared for, and it develops in him a way of looking at the world that is unhealthy and not realistic.

If you have a tendency to treat your child as a "friend," you should understand this important interpretation of friendship: friends are a group of people that have the same notion about ideas and life. The truth is, children and adults have very different notions about what they should be doing. They have entirely different notions about what's right and wrong. They have very different notions about what they want to do tonight. So I think that you need to be a parent to your child and be loving, caring and responsible. But I think you have to find your confidantes outside of that family structure.

Don't Try to Parent Your Child The Way You Wish Your Parents Had Parented You

Many parents try to raise their child in a way that they wish their parents had parented them. It sounds nice on paper, but it just doesn't work. So if your parents were distant or rigid with you, or they seemed uncaring to you or they seemed self-involved to you or they made horrible personal mistakes and didn't give you the guidance you needed, you shouldn't overcompensate for that by violating parent-child boundaries with your own child. This can be characterized as a "reaction formation." In reaction to deficits you saw in your own parents, you form a way of parenting that's not healthy for you or for your child.

Remember that anything done in a reactionary way is going have unforeseen consequences. And the biggest problem with parent-child friendships is all the unforeseen consequences. Parents tend to look only at the foreseen consequences. For example, my child will like me more if I'm his friend. He'll trust me. Parents don't look at the unforeseen consequences, such as, he won't listen to the word no because I never used it with him or taught him how to deal with it.

The goal of adolescence is individuation-separation from adults. That means that the child is going to have his own business, beliefs and rules that he's not going to want to share with adults. You need to know that it's not a violation of the parent-child relationship for that child to develop his own set of friends and his own values. Those friends and values may not be healthy from a parent's point of view or an objective observer's point of view. But it's the child's job to work through that. People who don't individuate from their parents in pre-adolescence and adolescence end up with emotional and social problems in life.

Many parents see this individuation happening in their adolescent children and feel abandoned by the child when they have parented too much in the emotional role and have acted as the child's friend. They feel a remarkable sense of loss, and they compensate for it by blaming the child.

Friends Don't Let Friends Not Do Their Homework

I want to draw an important distinction for you here. In the end, you can be your child's friend-just not his confidante. The key is having a responsible friendship with your child.

You know the saying, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk?" Well, friends don't let friends not do their homework. Friends don't let friends make excuses for failure. Friends don't let friends badmouth the teacher and defy the rules in the classroom. That's the type of friend you need to be to your child. A responsible friend. And the model of responsible friendship is identical to the model of responsible parenting.

How to Stop Being Your Child's Confidante Now

If you've "shared" too much with your child and not set the kind of limits they need, for whatever reason, all in the name of being your child's "friend," you can change to become more effective. It begins by talking to your child-about what you're going to talk about from now on. Say, "I've decided that there are some things I should be talking to other adults about. So I'm not going to talk to you about them anymore because I think it hurts our relationship." You don't have to be specific about the subject matter. Just be clear.

Then you need to learn how to respond differently to your child, not simply demand that the child communicate differently. For instance, if you and your child have been talking about what a jerk a certain teacher is for years and the child brings it up, you can't simply come out and say, "Don't call that teacher a jerk anymore." Instead, say this: "I don't think it helps us to label that teacher. Let's figure out how you can handle this situation successfully." An irresponsible friend will sit around and badmouth the teacher with their child. A responsible friend will help their child solve the problem he's having with the teacher.

Parents in divorced families will often both try to be the child's confidante, and the child gets stuck painfully in the middle. The mother's telling him what the father's like, what he's doing and not doing. The father's talking about what mom is like, how crazy she is, how controlling she is. I've heard kids in divorced families say that their mom is "so controlling, she's awful. I can't live with her." They were just parroting what the father said to them. The most poisonous thing is that what the parents are saying might be true to some degree. And the kid can see it. But he can't react to it properly because he doesn't have the maturity to do it. These parents might point out defects in the other parent that are accurate. But the way they point them out-by treating the child as a confidante-empowers the child to attack them.

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Your Child Is Not Your Friend | Empowering Parents

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There is a purely emotional part of the parent/child relationship that is built on affection and esteem. Parents and children are genetically geared to love each other, and it's a beautiful thing to behold. But there's a stage where parenting becomes a functional role, not just an emotional role.

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5 Signs to Know Your Parents are Putting You Through Stress.

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5 Signs to Know Your Parents are Putting You Through Stress.

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While having high expectations of your child can be helpful, placing your child under too much pressure could backfire. Kids will likely meet your expectations when those expectations are reasonable. But expecting your child to do more than she can handle, will cause her to give up early. She may begin to show signs of stress, which can include physical symptoms as well as psychological symptoms. Here are five telltale signs you're putting too much pressure on your child:

1. You Criticize More Than You Praise

Focusing on all the things your child is doing wrong means you're overlooking all the things he's doing right. Yet, many parents ignore positive behavior because they don't think kids should be praised for being good-instead they need pressure to become great.

Handing out too much criticism won't motivate your child, however. No one likes constantly hearing about all the things they're doing wrong. Make a concerted effort to catch your child being good and offer more praise than criticism in all areas of your child's life.

2. You Micromanage Your Child's Activities

High-pressure parents are at risk of becoming control freaks. If you hover over your child's daily activities-like homework, chores, and play-to make sure that he's doing everything right, you're likely putting too much pressure on him. While it's important to be involved in your child's life, micromanaging his activities could stunt his development.

If you want your child to perform well, allow him to make mistakes and face natural consequences when appropriate. Although it can be hard to watch your child do poorly on a test he didn't study for or lose out on an opportunity because he didn't put in the effort, those consequences can be some of life's greatest teachers.

3. You're Convinced Every Situation Is Life Altering

If you find yourself telling your child that a lot of situations are "do-or-die," you're definitely putting too much pressure on him. Saying, "This is your one shot to impress your coach so you can make the all-star team," or "You need to get an A on this test if you want to be considered for the honor society," sends the message that kids only have one chance to get it right.

While there are situations in life where that type of outlook is realistic-like when a teenager has an opportunity to interview with a prestigious college-situations where you've only got one chance to get it right are not that common.

Yet, for many parents, it becomes a habit to treat each test, competition, or performance like it's the only one that matters. Try reminding yourself-and your child-that there are many opportunities to shine and the outcome of most events aren't going to be life-altering.

4. You Draw Comparisons to Other Children

Constantly reminding your child of things like, "Your sister made it to the top round in the spelling bee because she practiced all the time," or "Did you notice how many points Johnny got today? I think you could probably score more points than he does if you practiced more." Comparing your child to other kids all the time puts him in constant competition with those around him and doesn't take into account his individuality.

When kids are put under pressure by being compared to others, it can reduce their willingness to do things where they won't excel. They may give up playing soccer if they're not the fastest runner or they may decline to be on the math team if they're not the smartest person on the team.

Encourage your child to become better by competing with himself. Talk about the importance of learning and practicing so he can become better today than he was yesterday-regardless of how others around him are performing.

5. You're Losing Your Cool Often

Putting kids under a lot of pressure means parents often feel the squeeze as well.

When kids aren't meeting parental expectations, it causes parents to grow frustrated fast. If you lose your temper because your child isn't performing as well as you'd like, you may be putting too much pressure on your child.

Your child might never be a track star and may never be the valedictorian of his class. Putting pressure on him to become things he's not interested in will only cause more stress for everyone. Find a healthy balance that encourages your child to be his best, without trying to force him to meet unrealistic expectations.
Cook LC, Kearney CA. Parent perfectionism and psychopathology symptoms and child perfectionism. Personality and Individual Differences. 2014;70:1-6. Kakavand A, Kalantari S, Noohi S, Taran H. Identifying the relationship of parenting styles and parent's perfectionism with normal students' and gifted students' perfectionism. Independent Journal of Management & Production. 2017;8(1):108-123.

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5 Signs You're Putting Too Much Pressure on Your Child

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While having high expectations of your child can be helpful, placing your child under too much pressure could backfire. Kids will likely meet your expectations when those expectations are reasonable. But expecting your child to do more than she can handle, will cause her to give up early.

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In order to optimize functioning, it is necessary to find a balance between the various roles one plays. A student often wears many different hats: partner, worker, friend, classmate, etc. Often times these roles are in conflict, and a student must be adept at attending to a variety of factors and assessing priorities.

How does it impact academics?

School-life balance is important for optimal academic functioning. Students often prioritize academics at the expense of personal factors, including relationships and exercise. This can lead to a decline in academic performance, as general health and well-being are critical to optimal academic functioning.

How does it impact relationships?

The quality of your relationships can determine the health of your school/life balance. A large focus on academics can cause strife in personal relationships, minimizing your sense of support. Similarly, a preoccupation with relationship issues at the expense of academics or work issues can be detrimental to performance, which can put further strain on the individual and the relationship. Finding ways to integrate school and personal life is essential.

How does it impact the workplace?

Students juggling work in addition to competing obligations from school and home may experience greater challenges in striking a balance. In these cases, it is even more crucial that you are adept at attending to different roles and setting priorities.

Succeeding as a Graduate or Medical School Student

Succeeding in graduate or medical school means more than simply doing well in your coursework. In fact, much of what you will learn during your graduate school years will not come from classes but rather through activities such as research, clinical work, internships, attending conferences, serving on departmental and university committees, preparing papers for publication, and joining professional organizations.

Self-motivation, self-discipline, time management, and the ability to prioritize are all essential ingredients to graduate or medical school success. The following tips can help you develop what you will need to succeed in graduate or medical school and beyond.

Manage your time

Time Management is a key component to academic and professional success. It is an essential skill that will help you concentrate your efforts on what is most important.

Plan your schedule

Make a weekly to-do list

Prioritize your work

Break large tasks into their smaller components

Set goals and deadlines for projects

Avoid perfectionism

Honestly assess the amount of time you waste

Beware of too much stress

Stress keeps us focused and aware of all the things that need to be done. It can motivate you to study harder and complete assignments and projects on time. But when your stress level becomes more than a motivating tool, or when pressures are too intense or last too long, you may be in stress overload.

Signs of Stress Overload

Anxiety or panic attacks

A feeling of being constantly pressured, hassled, and hurried

Irritability and moodiness

Physical symptoms such as stomach problems, headaches, or even chest pain

Allergic reactions, such as eczema or asthma

Problems sleeping

Drinking too much, smoking, overeating, or using drugs

Sadness or depression

Ways to Relieve Stress

Exercise. Regular exercise is one of the best ways to keep stress levels under control.

Learn ways to relax your body through meditation, massage, and breathing exercises.

Increase your Vitamin D. Take short walks in the sun. Studies show that Vitamin D increases a positive and focused mood.

Laugh.

Practice positive self-talk.

Adopt a mantra such as "this too shall pass" or "I can handle this."

Create an assets column that includes all of the things that bring you joy.

Talk to a friend or loved one.

Make the best out of stressful circumstances - be optimistic - your outlook, attitude, and thoughts influence the way you see things.

Ask for help. People who have a strong network of family and friends manage stress better.

Strive to be a high achiever not a perfectionist

Perfectionism refers to a set of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching unrealistically high goals. It is based on perceived standards of excellence and often fueled by the need for others' approval.

Contrary to the perfectionist's belief that it is only through giving 100% to every project, assignment, or cause that they will find success, studies have shown that perfectionist attitudes actually interfere with success by leading to:

Low self-esteem

Anxiety

Depression

Guilt

Rigidity

Lack of motivation

Procrastination

Obsessive/compulsive behaviors

Eating disorders

Relationship problems

There's nothing wrong with striving to do the best you can; the key is in knowing your limitations. You can be a high achiever without being a perfectionist through practicing the following behaviors:

Set standards that are high but achievable.

Enjoy the process, not just the outcome.

Monitor your positive and negative thoughts.

View mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning.

React positively to constructive feedback.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Your physical and emotional well-being plays a major role in your academic, professional, and personal success. Take time to establish and maintain an active and informed wellness plan.

Exercise and sleep regularly.

Eat healthfully.

Make time for yourself.

Enjoy and spend time with friends and family.

Managing the conflicting demands of school, work, and family

Managing the multiple demands of your career, school, and personal life can be challenging, but you can be successful if you keep a few tips in mind:

Be where you are. Don't worry about what you aren't doing. Stay focused on the task at hand-don't worry about work when you're in class or studying, and don't let work or school interfere with spending quality time with family and friends.

Set a schedule for the week and get organized. Plan segments of time for study, family, exercise, and other tasks that need to get done. Experiment with the best times for you to study and how frequently you need breaks. Also, figure out the best place to study where all of your materials are accessible and you can truly focus.

Reward yourself. You should plan a reward for sticking to your schedule or completing your work before a deadline.

Remember that you are only human. Nothing will get done well if you are emotionally or physically drained. Plan exercise and creative activities into your week to help keep you energized.

Use your support system. Discuss your expectations for school with your family and friends. Inform them about your schedule so that they know when you can't be disturbed and when they can expect your full attention. Negotiate household duties based on your schedule.

Don't focus on getting straight A's. Since you have already been accepted into graduate school, your focus should be on the learning, not getting 100% on every exam or ranking #1 in your class.

Have some fun. Make time to enjoy friends and family; watch a movie; or read non-academic books.

Learn to say 'no.' This is not the time to volunteer to run new initiatives at work or assume new family responsibilities if you don't have to. Just meeting your responsibilities at work, school, and home will be enough of a challenge for now. Remember it is only temporary.

Know when you need help.

JHSAP can help students cultivate time management, priority-setting, and organizational skills through individual sessions and/or group workshops and presentations.

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In order to optimize functioning, it is necessary to find a balance between the various roles one plays. A student often wears many different hats: partner, worker, friend, classmate, etc. Often times these roles are in conflict, and a student must be adept at attending to a variety of factors and assessing priorities.

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The creatures we don't share a drop of blood with, yet hold the closest spot in our hearts. The crazy bunch of idiots who laugh shamelessly in our faces at the most embarrassing moments, yet make us strong in the tough times. The ones that call ugly and fat all our life yet get angry when someone else disrespects. The bunch of people who our parents trust more than us. In short, " Siblings from different mother." That's what friends are.

Friends are our family outside the closed walls of the house. They have a huge contribution in making us who we are as individuals. Their importance in life is indescribable. But these are certain points that will restate some of the facts that make friends so special and important -

Friends are the secret reservoirs. Friends are the ones to share all the little and large secrets and happening of the life. Secrets about our crush, the kiss, the date, our family problems, the mishaps, the embarrassing moments, the funny stories and the list cover anything and everything in life.

We may doubt our decisions and abilities, but our friends will never do so. Through the most nerve wreaking moments of life, they stand by us confidently making us believe in ourselves. At times we gain the confidence to take risks and huge leaps just because of the belief they show.

Pajamas, messy buns, no makeup, drooling face, stinky sweat or running nose, they don't care any of it! Our friends have seen us in the ugliest appearances and situations of life, and they still decided to stick by. We feel comfortable around them, and there's nothing that can be a hurdle in this comfort level.

Being alone, away from the world, can be appealing at times but loneliness for an extended period becomes extremely depressing. Hence, friends come as the cure for loneliness. They are our full-time companion in a stranger's parties, receivers of the late night calls, a partner in the class benches and are always present by our sides. Imagining the world without friends, and being alone in the outside world forever is a massive pain to the brain.

Being with friends means an opportunity to share and hear endless jokes. We all have those little hints and code words for the people we dislike that only our group of friends know. Those are the moments that remain enlightened in our hearts forever. The jokes about the annoying teacher or boss, the uncivilized guy or over-dramatic girl in the locality, are something that can light up the mood anytime.

Friends are the permanent partner in all our crimes. No matter how serious and sincere we are, our friends have pushed us to break unimaginable rules, which are engraved in our hearts as most fabulous memories. At the times of trouble, friends have stayed by our sides and shared the responsibilities with fun. They have the strange power of turning every bad moment into hilarious and memorable ones.

9. Listener.

There are times when we want to rant and whine. Away from the boundaries of age and maturity, at such moments all we wish to do is complain and keep complaining without making any sense. Friends lend us the ears to make these possible. They don't judge nor preach, rather listen to the nonsense coming out of mouth pretending to understand.

8. The shoulder to cry on.

When heartbreaks or other situations become extremely hard to tolerate, friends offer us their shoulder to shed our tears on. They provide us the loving warm arms that wrap us away from the harsh times.

7. Reality Check.

Friends know us so well that they have the ability to predict and capture situations which we are in denial of. It could be the ridiculous outfit we are wearing or the boyfriend cheating on us. They bring the harsh truth in front of us. Friends make sure to keep our foot on earth when we are wondering on the 7 th heaven with happiness, away from the ugly reality. Initially, we may fight and turn away from acceptance, but in the long run, they are always right.

6. Acceptance.

They know us inside out. They know our flaws, weaknesses, ugly truths, dark past, and insecurities and still choose to remain by our side. Friends accept and love us for who we are. They do not intend to chance us like our parents, girlfriends or boyfriends.

5. Encouragement.

At the most difficult endeavors and embarrassing decisions, we always find our friends cheering from the sidelines. They may not always believe in the ideas and plans, but friends will never become the hurdle in the path of achieving our visions.

4. Understanding.

No one in the world, understand our thinking, dreams and desires like friends do. Plus, the main reason of choosing to do friendship is to be with someone who understands and does not judge. Our friends generally have common ideology and opinions, hence it becomes easy for them to perceive.

3. Always available.

Especially after school and college days, friends tend to go to different directions in life thus geographically separate. However, the hearts always remain together. With good friends, we are assured that even after years of separation; they will always show up when in need. It may be 3 am in the night or 12 noon, friends are forever ready to help.

2. Unconditional love.

Our parents love us because we are their children. Our wives or husbands love us because of the marriage. Our family loves us because we share blood. However, friends love us without any such condition or relation. They unconditionally love and care for us without expectations and assurances. We get to share the most amazing kind of love and relation with friends.

1. Lastly, unlimited laughter, adventure and fun!

Friends are the open and free access to ultimate laughs and fun times. There is no need of topics to laugh on. They can make us roll on the floor laughing even without any funny reason. It's true to say when a group of friends are together, the comic level is higher than any comedy show!

Moreover, friends encourage us to try things we can never imagine doing. All of them may not be positive, but they sure are adventurous. The memories of those moments are the factors that make life exciting and joyous. Without friends, life would be unimaginably boring.

Hence we should never miss the chances to appreciate our friends for their time, care, love and simply friendship. So let's go tell them how much we love them!

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Top 15 Reasons why Friends are Important - Listaka

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The creatures we don't share a drop of blood with, yet hold the closest spot in our hearts. The crazy bunch of idiots who laugh shamelessly in our faces at the most embarrassing moments, yet make us strong in the tough times.

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How Parents try to Build Relationships with You.

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How Parents try to Build Relationships with You.

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Ingram Publishing/Thinkstock

When our children go out on their own, having landed their first job and signed a lease for their first apartment, we hope that we have trained them to: respect authority, think for themselves, drive a car, hold a job, make dinner, pay bills and carry on mutually respectful and loving relationships. And that's the short list.

Parenting is a big job; serving as a child's personal ATM or behavior umpire isn't enough. We need a relationship where we can tell Johnny it's wrong to hit Susie but then find out why he struck her. We need a relationship with enough emotional strength to share hopes, dreams and convictions and be heard when we do so. We need a relationship that makes it easy for them to come to us with questions and concerns. We need a relationship where there's not just respect, but also love.

This kind of parent-child bond doesn't just happen; it takes wisdom and intentional effort. Here are some tips I hope will encourage you in one of the greatest pursuits of your lifetime - building a relationship with your child.

Pray, pray, pray.

There are moments when I'm completely baffled by my kids, ages 15, 11 and 5. I ask God to reveal His wisdom about their behavior, their problems with friends, their spiritual lives. Then during a quiet instant between my prayers, God will disclose a question to ask or a strategy to try.

For instance, I found myself refereeing a dispute between David, my oldest, and Bethany, the middle child, over David's video game console. As the words grew heated, my frustration level shot up like a thermometer's red line in August. I was ready to click off the power button and send them their separate ways. But the Holy Spirit said, Pray. So I did - and gained insight.

I asked David why he didn't want Bethany playing his video games. It turns out she had made negative comments about his game playing, which he viewed as relaxation from schoolwork. My daughter apologized, and David forgave her. Because I prayed instead of adjudicating, my children quickly reconciled and our relationships were strengthened.

Get into their space.

From infancy through about age 8, kids spend a lot of time on the floor. We should be down there, too - playing games, pretending with dolls, building block forts. Fight the feeling that you're acting stupid; crawl through those embarrassed feelings and meet your kids.

Be careful not to transition into buddies, however. It's good to enter their world, but you're still the parent. You may need to set time limits on this kind of play, and if whining ensues, a time-out might be necessary.

Getting into the world of older kids is different. Watch their TV shows or movies. At first your kids may wonder if you're spying on them, but explain you just want to hang out.

You may need to resist the strong impulse to get up and do something else. Even if you're not fascinated by Robot Warriors 3000 or The Princess Posse, ask questions about characters and storylines to start conversation with your kids.

Keep it real.

As hard as it may be, recounting our missteps can help kids who are 12 and older learn from our errors. They also get to see we're not perfect.

One day I shared with David some history about my friendships. I told him about my best friend in elementary school and how we drifted apart in high school, and about my two best friends in college and how we've lost touch. The point? Friends come and go, but don't let a friendship die because of bitterness or lack of attention.

Such personal information can be embarrassing to tweens or teenagers. If your kids feel awkward, try talking in the car, where the conversation isn't face to face.

Enjoy family time.

A simple way to connect with your kids is eating together as a family. This is easy to do when they're little, but as kids get older, sports and other activities compete with the family mealtime.

Our family is committed to sharing dinner together, even if it's only 15 minutes. Each of us tells a highlight and a lowlight from the day. Usually someone's highlight or lowlight is a springboard for other discussion.

The difficulty we have is keeping kids on track. David gets restless and begins to wander away from the table. Mark, our youngest, acts silly. My wife and I have to pay attention and guide the conversation.

There are other kinds of shared time, of course, such as going to a ball game. But don't assume you've connected with your kids just because you were at the same event. Shared time involves asking questions ("What did you think about that referee's call?") and exchanging ideas ("I remember coming here with Grandpa").

Do projects together.

We all have things we want to do - alone. Even if we're not thrilled about cleaning the garage, we'd rather do it by ourselves than supervise a team of rowdy kids.

Last year, I planned to paint a room in our house by myself but realized this was an opportunity to teach and connect with all the kids. We transformed painting from a chore into a wonderful memory.

You'll need to think and pray about the right level of involvement for your children based on their ages and experience. Count on this: The project may take longer, and your children will not do things like you would. If you can accept these facts, you'll discover an endearing, enjoyable time.

Be silly.

This isn't just for small ones. Older kids like it when you act silly, too - even though you might hear, "Oh, Dad, stop it" or "This person is not my mother."

Embarrassing children in public is not a good idea, but having fun in private keeps things light and makes you approachable. So go ahead, do the goofy dance, make funny faces, sing silly songs, talk for the dog.

The means to build strong, durable bonds with your kids is within you. Just ask God to show you the way, and start connecting with your kids today.

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When our children go out on their own, having landed their first job and signed a lease for their first apartment, we hope that we have trained them to: respect authority, think for themselves, drive a car, hold a job, make dinner, pay bills and carry on mutually respectful and loving relationships.

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How to Build Relationships With Your Parents.

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How to Build Relationships With Your Parents.

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Of course you love your parents - that's a given. But at times, maintaining the bond between parent and adult child can be as challenging as that between parent and teenager.

These days, both of you are confronting new challenges - retirement or career changes, health issues, concerns about the future. It's to be expected these issues will affect your relationship, but as you change, so, too, must your relationship with your parents change.

Part of that evolution requires forging a new relationship, one between mature adults rather than "parent" and "child." You already have the basic underpinnings - love and shared memories. Add mutual respect and common interests and you may find a more fulfilling relationship with your mother and your father than any you've had since childhood.

Of course, some things never change - Mom might still offer her unsolicited opinions on your weight and wardrobe, and Dad might still only start a conversation if it has to do with your car. The key is to love the best parts of ?them and learn to accept the rest. Here are 14 Stealth Healthy ways to forge an adult relationship with your parents and enhance what might not always have been the strongest of bonds.

1. Think of them as fellow adults, rather than as your parents. If your parents still treat you like a kid, despite the fact that you have kids of your own, you may have to help them let you "grow up." "Feeling and acting like an adult around your parents is the cornerstone of having an adult relationship with them," says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist in Long Beach, California, and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction and The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40. "If you treat them as fellow adults, they're more likely to treat you like one." A simple way to do this is to ask yourself a question before each interaction with them: "How would I act in this situation if Mom or Dad was a friend or an acquaintance?" Then behave accordingly.

2. Talk to your parents as friends. If your parents still treat you like you're 6 or 16, it may feel funny to give up your role as the child. A good start is to model your conversations with Mom and Dad on those you have with friends, says Dr. Tessina. "Don't limit your conversations strictly to family memories, or gossip about family members, or your personal life," she advises. There's a whole wide world out there - why not explore it with Mom and Dad as you would with a friend? Current events, sports, work, local neighborhood issues, or national politics (if you happen to share the same views) are all fair game.

3. Keep your sense of humor. When you're dealing with your parents, laughter can be a lifesaver - both to help you handle the stress of dealing with sometimes crotchety individuals and to help you bond together. Tell a few jokes you know they'll enjoy, share some comics from the paper or e-mail with them, watch the Letterman show together. If you can laugh together, you're doing okay.

4. Tell your parents what bothers you. If you love your mom and dad but they drive you batty, your resentment can eat away at your relationship. So don't seethe silently. Communicate, with gentleness and respect. For instance, if your mom keeps calling you at work, tell her that your boss is starting to notice and, while you love talking to her during the day, it's beginning to affect your job performance. Arrange a call you can both count on at a mutually convenient time.

5. Don't ask your parents' advice or opinion unless you really want it. Sometimes, asking for a parent's advice is really a way of asking for Mom or Dad's approval. If that's the case, remember that you're an adult now, perfectly capable of choosing a living room carpet or a car on your own. If your parents are bent on offering you advice whether asked or not, smile, nod, and take it in (who knows - it may actually be helpful!). Focus on the fact that they have your best interest at heart. Then make your own choice - without guilt.

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Maintain a Healthy Relationship With Your Parents | Reader's Digest

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Of course you love your parents - that's a given. But at times, maintaining the bond between parent and adult child can be as challenging as that between parent and teenager. These days, both of you are confronting new challenges - retirement or career changes, health issues, concerns about the future.

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This is Your Strategy Guide To Everything About Life. 

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This is Your Strategy Guide To Everything About Life. 

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Real life is the game that - literally - everyone is playing. But it can be tough. This is your guide.

Basics

You might not realise, but real life is a game of strategy. There are some fun mini-games - like dancing, driving, running, and sex - but the key to winning is simply managing your resources.

Most importantly, successful players put their time into the right things. Later in the game money comes into play, but your top priority should always be mastering where your time goes.

Childhood

Life begins when you're assigned a random character and circumstances:

The first 15 years or so of life are just tutorial missions, which suck. There's no way to skip these.

Young adult stage

As a young player, you'll have lots of time and energy, but almost no experience. You'll find most things - like the best jobs, possessions and partners - are locked until you get some.

This is the time to level up your skills quickly. You will never have so much time and energy again.

Now that you're playing properly, your top priority is to assign your time as well as possible. Every single thing you do affects your state and your skills:

This may sound simple, but the problem is you won't always know what tasks to choose, and your body won't always obey your commands. Let's break it down.

How to obey your own commands

Many players find that when they choose to do something - say "go to the gym" - their body ignores them completely.

This is not a bug. Everybody has a state, which you can't see directly, but looks something like this:

If your state gets too low in one area, your body will disobey your own instructions until your needs are met. Try studying when you're exhausted and hungry, and watch your concentration switch to Twitter.

Your willpower level is especially important. Willpower fades throughout the day, and is replenished slightly by eating, and completely by a good night's sleep. When your willpower is low, you are only able to do things you really want to.

Every decision you have to make costs willpower, and decisions where you have to suppress an appealing option for a less appealing one (e.g. exercise instead of watch TV) require a lot of willpower.

There are various tricks to keep your behaviour in line:

1. Keep your state high. If you're hungry, exhausted, or utterly deprived of fun, your willpower will collapse. Ensure you take consistently good care of yourself.

2. Don't demand too much willpower from one day. Spread your most demanding tasks over multiple days, and mix them in with less demanding ones.

3. Attempt the most important tasks first. This makes other tasks more difficult, but makes your top task more likely.

4. Reduce the need to use willpower by reducing choices. If you're trying to work on a computer that can access Facebook, you'll need more willpower because you're constantly choosing the hard task over the easy one. Eliminate such distractions.

A key part of playing the game is balancing your competing priorities with the state of your body. Just don't leave yourself on autopilot, or you'll never get anything done.

Choosing the right tasks

Choosing the right tasks at the right time is most of the game. Some tasks mostly affect your state, e.g.

Others mostly affect your skills:

You need to put time into things that ensure a healthy state - like food and sleep - to keep your willpower high. And then you need to develop your skills with what you have left.

Some skills are more valuable than others. Good ones can open up whole paths like a tech tree:

Others are dead ends:

Combinations of skills are the most effective. It's very hard to max out one skill to be the best - in fact, that's often impossible. But it's much easier to get pretty decent at lots of related skills that amount to something bigger, e.g.

See how psychology just helped you become both rich and attractive? You should study that.

Where you live

Your environment has a constant impact on your stats, skills, and your chances of levelling up.

It's possible to play the game well almost anywhere, but it's a lot easier in certain places. If you're female and in the wrong country, for example, you can't unlock many achievements.

The odds of anyone being born in their optimal location are virtually zero, so research your options, and consider moving early. Location is a multiplier to all of your skills and states.

Finding a partner

Attraction is a complex mini-game in itself, but mostly a byproduct of how you're already playing. If you have excellent state and high skills, you're far more attractive already. A tired, irritable, unskilled player is not appealing, and probably shouldn't be looking for a relationship.

Early in the game it can be common to reject and be rejected by other players. This is normal, but unfortunately it can drain your state, as most players don't handle rejection or rejecting well. You'll need to expend willpower to keep going, and willpower is replenished by sleep, so give it time.

80% of finding someone comes down to being your most attractive self, which - like so much in life - just means putting your time in the right places. If you're exercising, socialising, well nourished and growing in your career, you will radiate attraction automatically. The remaining 20% is simply putting yourself in places where you can meet the right people.

Money money money

Later in the game you'll have to manage a new resource called 'money'. Most players will find money increases throughout the early game, but that this actually introduces more problems, not less.

The most important rule of money is never to borrow it, except for things that earn you more back. For example, education or a mortgage can be worthwhile (but are not necessarily so, depending on the education or the mortgage). Borrowing to buy new shoes is not.

Depending on your financial ambitions, here are a few strategies to bear in mind:

1. Not fussed about money. The low-stress strategy: simply live within your means and save a little for a rainy day. Be sure to make the best of all the time you save though, or you'll regret it.

2. Well off. Choose a career and environment carefully, and be prepared to move often to move up. You'll need to invest heavily in matching skills, which will cost you time, and be careful not to abuse your state or you'll burn out.

3. Mega rich. Start your own business. It's almost impossible to get rich working for someone else. Riches do not come from work alone, they come from owning things - assets - that pay back more than they cost, and your own company is a powerful asset you can create from scratch. Compound your winnings into more assets, and eventually they can remove your need to work at all.

Later life

Your options change as the game progresses. Marriage and children will reduce your time and energy, and introduce more random elements into the game ("Emergency diaper change!"). This makes it harder to develop yourself as quickly.

Older characters usually have more skills, resources and experience, unlocking quests that were previously impossible, like "owning a house", or "writing a (good) novel".

All players die after about 29,000 days, or 80 years. If your stats and skills are good, you might last a little longer. There is no cheat code to extend this.

At the start of the game, you had no control over who you were or your environment. By the end of the game that becomes true again. Your past decisions drastically shape where you end up, and if you're happy, healthy, fulfilled - or not - in your final days there's far less you can do about it.

That's why your strategy is important. Because by the time most of us have figured life out, we've used up too much of the best parts.

Now you'd best get playing.

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Life is a game. This is your strategy guide

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682k shares Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Real life is the game that - literally - everyone is playing. But it can be tough. This is your guide. You might not realise, but real life is a game of strategy.

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