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Building young brains with the Big Little Moments Babies and toddlers are growing and learning every day and the little moments you share can make a big difference. From morning time to bedtime, waiting for the bus to playing together, every moment is a chance to help build a child's brain.

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What to expect from a first meeting with us:

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Infant Mental Health What to Expect 2025

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Look, Say, Sing, Play Webinar for parents and carers | NSPCC

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Intrusive thoughts: what are they, and how do we deal with them?

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Research suggests that more than 80% of expectant and new parents experience intrusive thoughts from time to time.

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Introduction

Autism and the PDA profile are dimensional - this means that approaches need to be tailored for each individual child, applied flexibly and reviewed regularly. There is no wrong or right way to do things, it's about learning as much as you can about PDA, finding out what works best for you and your child and building a framework of approaches.

This page covers:

understanding behaviours

adjusting your mindset

optimising the environment

reducing the perception of demands

being cautious with rewards/praise/sanctions

supporting sensory needs

supporting social interaction & communication

approaching distressed behaviour

supporting emotional well-being

This two page PDF is a helpful summary of the approaches outlined on this page.

Our PDA Panda ambassador symbolises helpful approaches for PDA and the P A N D A mnemonic on our infographic below provides a useful summary:

There are many resources, including webinars and books, which cover helpful approaches for children. Our Keys to Care one-pager was written primarily with in-patient settings in mind but is also a useful summary of helpful approaches.

Many more generic autism resources - such as social stories, books, games, activities, computer games and apps - may also be helpful, but may require some creative adaption, or a more indirect form of implementation, to be effective with PDA children. Likewise therapists may need to adopt a tailored approach when working with PDA.

Similarly, these approaches can be helpful with other presentations/conditions as well as with a PDA profile of autism - they may be beneficial for autistic and non-autistic people at times of heightened emotional states or extreme anxiety, or for times of extreme demand avoidance regardless of the underlying cause.

Understanding behaviours

Anxiety - the most important starting point is to understand and accept that a PDA child's behaviours are underpinned by anxiety and a need to feel in control. Anxiety can be expressed in many different ways including avoidance, anger, shouting, crying, laughing, not talking, restlessness, boredom, fidgeting, rocking, tics, repetitive actions, obsessing, skin picking, swearing, hiding, running off, withdrawing, masking, throwing things and lashing out at others. The anxiety curve model is a really helpful way to understand anxiety and echoes the hierarchy of demand avoidance approaches seen in a PDA profile of autism. All the helpful approaches explained below are designed to help our children remain on the 'lower slopes' of the anxiety curve and avoid escalation where possible.

In addition, any or all of the following may be underlying ...

Difficulties in processing language - our children may have good expressive language but may not be able to process verbal communication quickly enough to keep up during a conversation and may be confused by non-specific questions or instructions.

Difficulties with social interaction - our children may not always understand the 'unwritten rules' of social interaction or non-verbal communication including body language and tone of voice.

Confusion about emotions - our children may not be able to understand or accurately 'label' emotions in themselves or other people, or may feel overwhelmed by their own and others' emotions.

Intolerance of uncertainty - our children may struggle with all the 'what ifs' of life, not knowing how things might 'pan out', what might be expected of them, where a situation might lead, when a situation might end and whether they will be able to cope with whatever may come along.

Sensory overload - our children's heightened sensory perception can also contribute to anxiety, overload and avoidance.

Adjusting your mindset

A repeated theme in our case studies is that PDA turns "parenting norms" upside down, so our own mindset and mood are key factors in developing a toolkit of helpful approaches. Some key pointers are:

Look beyond surface behaviours - outward behaviours are just the tip of the iceberg with many contributory factors lying below the surface as explained above.

Re-balance your relationship - a more equal relationship between child and adult, based on collaboration and respect, builds trust. Try to aim for win:win solutions.

Keep calm and carry on - try not to take things personally; model desired behaviours; pick your battles; treat every day as a fresh start.

Focus on the long term objective of building a child's ability to cope rather than short term compliance.

Be flexible - helpful approaches require creativity and adaptability.

See the positives - whilst supporting our children's challenges, try not to lose sight of their many positive qualities.

Support and self-care for you - being in touch with others who are having similar experiences can be enormously helpful and local families may have invaluable tips relevant to your area (please search our resources directory for support groups near you). It's also important to ensure you are caring for yourself as well as possible.

Optimising the environment

Just like giant pandas, our children can thrive in the right environment - in place of firm boundaries and the use of rewards, consequences and praise, an approach based on negotiation, collaboration and flexibility tends to work better in PDA households. Top tips include:

Balancing tolerance and demands - a child's ability to cope with demands will vary from day to day and from hour to hour, so try to control the 'input' of demands accordingly (remembering that demands are many and varied) and build in plenty of 'downtime' to give space for anxiety to lessen and tolerance levels to replenish.

Agreeing non-negotiable boundaries - these will vary from household to household and from child to child. For some, the barest minimum of non-negotiable boundaries (such as basic health and safety requirements or those relating to their siblings) may be needed when anxiety is very high, but they may be increased over time. Sharing clear reasons for these boundaries, and agreeing on them together as a family, can help our children to adhere to them. Enforcing these boundaries without exacerbating things may require the use of other helpful approaches (please see next section on reducing the perception of demands).

Allowing plenty of time - time is an additional demand, so it's helpful to build in plenty of time (for instance, setting alarms earlier on a school morning). Always try to plan ahead, anticipate potential challenges and allow some flexibility to accommodate fluctuating anxiety levels.

Having an exit strategy - knowing how to extract yourself from a situation can help with reducing anxiety (for instance, you might agree a quiet zone where a child can retreat to or provide reassurance that if something can't be done today it can be tried again tomorrow).

Reducing the perception of demands

Re-framing demands to make them feel less 'demandy' is a key technique. There are lots of ways to do this - you will probably find that a 'mix and match' approach works best:

Phraseology and tone: subtle adaptations to our language and tone can benefit our children greatly. Using declarative language (statements, comments or observations), or rephrasing things to talk about an object rather than a person, and even simple things like starting rather than ending requests with the word 'please' can all make a big difference. For instance, when getting ready for school you might say "The clothes are on the bed, I'm happy to help" and then walk away, rather than "You need to get dressed now"; or if your child hasn't had a drink all day you might just place the drink alongside them and say "Here's a drink". Similarly phrases such as "I wonder whether ..." and "Let's see if ..." and including words that suggest an element of choice, such as "maybe we could ..." or "a possible idea could be ...." or "I'm not sure if ..." all reduce the perception of demands. Likewise it's helpful to avoid trigger words like "no", "don't" or "can't" - you can convey the same message using different terminology (e.g. "I'm afraid it's not possible right now") and if possible also explain the reason and offer alternatives whilst delivering the message (e.g. "I'm afraid it's not possible to go to the park right now because there's a storm, but we can try this afternoon when the forecast is better and in the meantime would you like to bake a cake or watch a film?"). Please see the very practical Declarative Language Handbook for more information and ideas.

Indirect communication: indirect communication includes physical prompts (e.g. tapping shoes instead of saying "please put your shoes on"); visual prompts (pictures or checklists (ensuring our children have an element of choice and control, for instance in the order that things are done rather than a more formal 'first this ... then that ...' approach), post-it notes or communicating via instant messenger apps can work well); telling someone else to do something whilst in our child's earshot (e.g. telling another child or adult "Please remember the rules about not running at the side of the pool" when you know that they know the rules already); leaving leaflets/books 'lying around' for our children to pick up out of natural curiosity; communicating using role play or via a third party (e.g. communicate through a favourite toy or by adopting the persona of a favourite character).

De-personalising: explain that the requirement is made by some other, higher authority than you - for instance that "the pool manager is shutting the pool at 3pm" or that a certain law dictates certain rules.

Distracting/turning things into a game: the idea here is to focus on something else other than the demand, so you might say "let's see who can pull the silliest face between each item of clothing" when getting dressed or "let's list the top 10 dinosaurs" whilst getting into the bath for instance.

Using humour/novelty: humour is a great way to make everyone feel more relaxed and to help reduce the perception of demands; and novelty (provided the change in direction feels like a bonus/benefit for the child) can also work well.

Asking for help: saying that you don't know or can't remember how to do something can be a great way of making a demand more indirect.

Offering choices: the idea here is to give a child some control without losing all control as the adult, by offering limited choices (and being willing to accept a different choice of their own that still achieves the aim) or by offering free choice within certain parameters. For instance, you might ask "would you prefer to have a bath at 6 or 7 this evening" (and accept their negotiated answer of "6.30") or you might stock a cupboard or shelf in the fridge with a range of healthy options and allow your child free choice of any items from there.

Model behaviours or apply demands to yourself (with no expectation that your child will follow suit) - for instance, you might say "I'm feeling really stressed right now so I'm going to lie down in a quiet room and listen to some whale songs to help me to calm down".

Being cautious with rewards/praise/sanctions

It can be helpful to understand why more traditional parenting approaches - such as rewards/praise/sanctions - don't tend to be effective in PDA households.

Rewards create an additional demand on top of the demand itself; they magnify the problem if something isn't achieved because not only is the 'thing' not achieved the reward isn't earned either; and they don't address the underlying difficulties or lacking skills which may have prevented achievement in the first place. What can work well are surprise rewards, rewards that are bestowed immediately (rather than waiting until the end of the day/week) and rewards that are tangible (rather than stickers or tokens) or matter to the child (they may be things that are linked to their special interests or involve free time to pursue an activity of their choice).

Praise may be perceived as a demand to repeat or improve on previous performance, and encouragement can feel like a demand as it increases the sense of expectation. It can be helpful to praise indirectly - for example praising the results rather than the person (e.g. "what a wonderfully tidy room" rather than "well done for tidying your room") or praising your child to a third party in your child's earshot. When offering encouragement, providing choices and exit strategies can be effective (e.g. "It would be great for you to go to the cinema with your friends, but don't worry if it feels too much once you're there, you can call me and I'll come and pick you up").

Sanctions or consequences may feel unjust when behaviours are a question of "can't" not "won't", and may appear controlling and arbitrary when not directly related to the behaviours in question (e.g. what connection is there between not being allowed on electronics and being mean to a friend?) - they tend to lead to confrontation and escalation. Natural consequences which flow from behaviours (e.g. a friend not wanting to play or not being able to watch TV if it got broken during a meltdown) enable lessons to be learned in a more realistic way. When everyone is calm, discussing ways to avoid difficult situations from arising in future is another way for natural consequences to unfold.

Supporting sensory needs

Our children may be hyper-sensitive (seeking to avoid the sense) or hypo-sensitive (seeking out more of the sense) to any of the senses listed below:

Auditory

Visual

Oral (gustatory)

Smell (olfactory)

Tactile

Vestibular (the sense of movement and balance)

Proprioceptive (the sense of 'position' of your body in space and the input from muscles and joints to the brain)

Interoception (internal senses from your body, such as hunger, thirst, pain and needing to use the toilet)

It's possible to be both hyper and hypo sensitive to the same sense (for instance, someone may enjoy their own noise (e.g. their voice or choice of music) but find others' or background noises intolerable) and it's important to remember that sensory perception and sensitivity can also vary depending on levels of anxiety, illness, the type of surroundings and so on.

Falkirk Council's helpful guide " Making sense of sensory behaviour", the Sensory Processing Checklist and resources on Sensational Brain are useful places to start, along with our helpful webinar on this topic. The Greater Glasgow & Clyde NHS website also has useful sensory resources and the South Australia Department for Education has resources about Ineroception. An Occupational Therapist trained in sensory integration can assess a child's sensory needs in full and may suggest a 'sensory diet'. There are a few suggestions to try below:

Chewy toys for those who seek oral sensory input

Headphones playing a child's favourite music or audio book for those who become easily overstimulated by noise and crowded places

Carrying an object with a favoured scent (eg. candle, soap, pillow or spraying a sleeve or handkerchief) for those who become distressed by unfamiliar or unpleasant smells

Seamless socks, wide fitting shoes and cutting labels out of clothes for those who are hyper sensitive to touch

Asking before touching/hugging your child as some children are sensitive to touch - or equally some children may like the comfort of deep pressure and may feel well regulated using weighted blankets or similar.

Wearing tinted or sunglasses for those who are over sensitive to light

Taking packed lunches with preferred food/drinks for those who are avoidant of certain foods/textures.

Access to messy play or a fidget toy for those who seek tactile input

Plenty of opportunity for movement e.g. scooter, trampoline, running and bike rides for those who seek plenty of movement

Rough and tumble play, playing in ball pits and sensory toys (such as a body sock) can be helpful for those with proprioception needs.

Supporting social communication & interaction

Our children often need support in relation to processing language and social interaction. A speech and language therapist can assess a child's communication and interaction skills and make detailed recommendations. Our helpful webinar on this topic is useful place to start - a few top tips are shared below:

Communication

Allow extra processing time so that your child can make sense of what you have said and have time to think about how to respond - it can be helpful to count to 5 in your head following a statement or request.

Chunk questions or requests (space them out one at a time) rather than saying or asking many things in one go. Allow time for your child to answer your first question or respond to your first request before adding any follow-ups.

Be clear and precise whilst being indirect - for example "I wonder if you could help me. I need four blue cups, from that cupboard, to be put on the table in the kitchen".

Social Interaction

Role play can help our children understand other people's perspectives, how someone's actions can make another person feel and how this can affect relationships.

TV/books/gaming can be a good way to learn about emotions, relationships and social dynamics, and enable our children to develop understanding and skills, in a more indirect way.

Be inventive by linking activities to your child's special interests or by using role play (e.g. your child could be the teacher for the day and teach her/his toys a social story ® or how to act in certain social situations) or by making a poster together that will tell other children how to behave.

Approaching distressed behaviour

The helpful approaches outlined above are often very effective, and the frequency or intensity of distressed behaviours usually subside. However, distressed behaviours (best seen as panic attacks) are still likely to occur - please see our detailed page on Distressed behaviours for more on this. It's really useful to understand the triggers and/or possible purpose behind any distressed behaviour.

Following a situation that has been tricky to handle, it can be helpful to reflect back and think about how a re-occurrence might be avoided in future. Try to approach this with a detective's hat on, take the learning points on board but try not to dwell too much on things.

Working together with our children collaboratively and proactively to find solutions can also be really beneficial - many families find Dr Ross Greene's approach in this area extremely helpful, it is explained in detail on his website and in his books 'The Explosive Child' and 'Lost at School'. Ross Greene's approach is also particularly useful when there may be doubt or disagreement about diagnosis as his approach is diagnosis 'agnostic'.

Recognising and regulating emotions is something most of our children find very difficult. Whilst our children are young, the adults around them will need to be very vigilant in spotting the signs that anxiety is escalating. As our children grow older and their emotional intelligence develops, they may be able to recognise their emotions and deploy their own coping skills more effectively. Books can be a good way to learn about emotions, and enable our children to develop understanding and skills, in a more indirect way. There are some general book ideas that may be helpful with this in the resources section.

Supporting emotional well-being

It is important to remember to try and support our children's emotional well-being by

focusing on their many positive qualities as well as trying to support them with areas that they find difficult

regularly reminding them that they're valued for who they are and that it's ok to be different

regularly reminding them that they're loved through whichever medium works best for them

supporting them with the things that they're interested in rather than trying to impose on them what you feel they should be doing

speaking about them in positive terms to other people e.g. "Millie has an amazing imagination, she always thinks of really good games to play" or "Luke really makes me laugh, he's such good fun to be with."

Further information

In addition, we'd like to draw your attention to these additional sources of information, topics or fields of study which we feel are helpful in furthering understanding about PDA.

Recordings of our past Q&A sessions, where guest speakers with lived experience answer questions about PDA and many of the topics mentioned on this page are available to purchase for 30 days via our training hub.

Moving forward

It can feel like a very steep learning curve to learn all about demand avoidance and develop a tailored, flexible framework of approaches. Eventually it's likely to become second nature as you become more in tune with your child's strengths and needs. Over time, as your child's self confidence, emotional maturity and trust in the world develops, and as they gain more control over their lives as they get older, they may be able to cope more flexibly with demands. Their demand avoidance won't go away, but they may develop more self-help tools and coping strategies.

This two page PDF is a helpful summary of the approaches outlined on this page.

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Helpful approaches with PDA - children Introduction Autism and the PDA profile are dimensional - this means that approaches need to be tailored for each individual child, applied flexibly and reviewed regularly.

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Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Autism: A Guide For Allies - Reframing Autism

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Everyone experiences ‘demand avoidance’ from time to time – that is, resisting the idea of doing something that has been […]

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leaflet SGO peer support groups Jan - April (1)

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When Children Prefer One Parent - Janet Lansbury

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Our three-year-old daughter has started showing a strong preference for Mommy, especially at bedtime. We are trying to be positive and respectful of her wishes, but I am expecting another child in May, and we need to set boundaries about my availability to her. Thus far, setting boundaries often leads to tears, shouting, and temper … Continued

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What is DDP?

This summary provides information about Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) and how it fits in a Dyadic Developmental Practice framework.
(For ease of reading the therapist is denoted as male and the child as female within this summary)
What children and families will benefit from DDP?

DDP can help children who have been hurt and/or neglected within their families in their early years. Children can be traumatized by these experiences and find it difficult to feel safe and secure within their new families. This is sometimes called developmental trauma.

It is not unusual that the experience of being parented in the present reminds children of the way they were parented in the past. Even though they are no longer being hurt or neglected the children feel as though they are or think that they might in the future.

This means that children struggle with normal, healthy parenting. The children are afraid of ' parents '. They develop a range of ways to manage these high levels of fear.

Parents find it hard to manage the child's behaviour. The parents also find it hard to connect emotionally to their children.

These difficulties are best understood as:

Difficulties in attachment; the children find it hard to feel safe and secure with their parents.

Difficulties in intersubjectivity; the children find it hard to give and take in relationships.

Dan Hughes interview with the Ackerman Institute
Listen
These difficulties are most obvious in the children's strong need to experience control in their relationships. Controlling behaviours provide a fragile sense of security when the experience of attachment and intersubjective relationships is frightening. However these behaviours make it harder for them to experience relationships which can help them recover from trauma.

These difficulties can also extend beyond the home. The children can have difficulties in lots of their relationships. This can impact on friendships, school and leisure activities.

How did DDP develop?

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy has been developed by Dan Hughes over the past twenty years. It is based on a theoretical understanding of attachment and intersubjective relationships; and the impact of developmental trauma.

The therapy is provided within a model of Dyadic Developmental Practice. This provides network, school and parenting support.

It is important that children and families are supported within this practice framework for the therapy to be successful. Therapeutic sessions build upon and complement a DDP parenting approach.

What is Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy?

The therapist helps the child's relationship with her parents.
He does this by talking with the child using an affective-reflective (a-r) dialogue. This is a conversation that involves feeling as well as thinking. The therapist explores all aspects of the child's life; safe and traumatic; present and past.
The therapist and parents' intersubjective experience of the child helps the child get a different understanding. This becomes integrated into her autobiographical narrative. This in turn becomes more coherent.

Explore the therapist being a part of the story
Watch
In this way the child experiences healing of past trauma and achieves safety within current relationships. The conversations and interactions (verbal and non-verbal) within the therapy room are all based upon PACE. This means that the therapist will be playful, accepting, curious and empathic.

He will talk in a way that is like telling a story rather than giving a lecture.

Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy therefore involves the child and parents working together with the therapist. The child gains relationship experience which helps her to grow and heal emotionally. Family members develop healthy patterns of relating and communicating.

This in turn leads to a less feelings of fear, shame or need to control within the family. Family members become open to each other's inner life as well as their outward behaviour.

The child is helped to respond to current experience and memories of past experience flexibly instead of through rigid and repetitive responses.

What is the process of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy?

The therapist will begin by working with the parents.

He will want to ensure that the parents are comfortable with the DDP parenting approach and to provide them with help to develop this further if necessary.

The therapist will then actively prepare the parents for their role in the therapeutic process.

An important part of this is getting to know the parents, building trust and respect on both sides.

The therapist helps the parents to explore the impact on themselves of parenting this child.

A part of this exploration will involve thinking about the parents' attachment histories. Therapist and parents gain a better understanding of how the child might be triggering this history. This in turn can help parents to remain empathic to the child even when this relationship is challenging.

The therapist will then help the parents to understand the therapeutic process and what their role will be in the sessions when the child joins them.

When the therapist judges the parents are ready the child will join the sessions.

There will continue to be opportunities for the parents and therapist to talk about the work, both before or at the beginning of sessions and through scheduled parent sessions.

When the child is present the therapist will interact with the child in a way that helps him to understand her better.

He will let the child know what he has learnt about her. The therapist helps the child to remain emotionally regulated. This is called co-regulation. The therapist and child understand the child's present and past experience. This is called co-construction. The therapist will sometimes provide a structure for this communication, for example using puppets or drawing. Communication isn't always through words.

The therapist will help the child to talk to her parents.

This supports the child to manage her emotions and to understand her experience. Sometimes the therapist will talk to the parents about the child. Sometimes the therapist will help the child talk to her parents. Sometimes the therapist will talk for the child; this means he tells the parents what he thinks the child would like to tell them.

The therapist decides what to talk about because the child will suggest something.

This is called a theme. For example the child might say: 'Nobody loves me.' The therapist will explore what it is like to think that nobody loves you. The therapist is following something the child has said. The therapist then leads the child to emotionally connect with this experience at a deeper level. This is called 'follow-lead-follow'. Sometimes parents or therapist will introduce a theme. The therapist will talk about this in the same way.

The sessions are about exploring experience.

They are not about discipline, lecturing or trying to change behaviour. Behaviour will often change during the process of therapy but this is not the main focus of the work. There will be opportunities in the parent only sessions to get ideas about how to use appropriate discipline and boundaries.

Therapy will end when:

The therapist and parents think that the child is developing some attachment security within the family

Family members can continue the process of being emotionally available and intersubjectively connected without the help of the therapist

What changes might be expected following DDP?

The child will feel safer and more secure with their parents. The child has a more secure attachment

Controlling behaviours will reduce

When stressed the child might return to old ways of relating and behaving. For example they might become more controlling again. However it will be easier to help the child feel less stressed. The child will then feel secure again

The child will find relationships easier

The child will regulate emotions more easily

The child will manage stress better

The child will understand their emotional experience better

As the child is helped to heal from the past trauma they will become more emotionally healthy

How are practitioners trained to practice DDP?

Practitioners offering a dyadic developmental practice framework to families will be both therapists and non-therapists. They will all have a general training e.g. social work, parent mentoring etc. They have received additional training and supervision to develop skill in applying the principles of DDP to this work.

Practitioners offering Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy will have trained as therapists and received additional training and supervision to develop skill in providing DDP as a therapy.

All certified Practitioners, Trainers and Consultants in DDP can be found on the Find a Practitioner page, and more information on becoming certified can be found in the Training and Practitioner Certification in DDP sections.

Where can I find more information for parents, carers and young people?
Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy: Goals and Objectives
The Parents & Carers section on this website is written specifically for parents, foster carers, other caregivers and young people. You may still have many questions about the therapy and what it involves, Is DDP right for your family? aims to answer some of these and explain the therapy process.
All Therapy resources
It can be worrying for children when they know they are going to see a therapist with their parents, foster carers or caregivers. Our For Young People page explains what therapy means and how it can help children and young people make sense of their past experiences and their feelings.

Further reading from the Resource Library

Dyadic Developmental Practice: A framework for Therapeutic Intervention and parenting Reproduced with the kind permission of the The BPS Child and Family Clinical Review No 2 Summer 2014

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Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy - DDP Network

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What children and families will benefit from DDP? DDP can help children who have been hurt and/or neglected within their families in their early years. Children can be traumatized by these experiences and find it difficult to feel safe and secure within their new families. This is sometimes called developmental trauma.

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Therapeutic Parenting is a nurturing parenting style developed from consistent, empathic, insightful connected responses to a child’s distress and behaviours, allowing the child to begin to self-regulate and develop an understanding of their behaviours, and ultimately form secure attachments and minimise the impact of childhood trauma.

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In the wake of a traumatic event, your comfort, support and reassurance can make children feel safe, help them manage their fears, guide them through their grief, and help them recover in a healthy way. This guide was assembled by psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts who specialize in crisis situations. It offers simple tips on what to expect, what to do and what to look out for. If you or your children require assistance from a mental health professional, do not hesitate to ask a doctor or other health care provider for a recommendation.

Tips for Helping Children After the Event

Make your child feel safe. All children, from toddlers to teens, will benefit from your touch-extra cuddling, hugs or just a reassuring pat on the back. It gives them a feeling of security, which is so important in the aftermath of a frightening or disturbing event. For specific information on what to do and say, see the age-by-age-guide.

Act calm. Children look to adults for reassurance after traumatic events have occurred. Do not discuss your anxieties with your children, or when they are around, and be aware of the tone of your voice, as children quickly pick up on anxiety.

Maintain routines as much as possible. Amidst chaos and change, routines reassure children that life will be okay again. Try to have regular mealtimes and bedtimes. If you are homeless or temporarily relocated, establish new routines. And stick with the same family rules, such as ones about good behavior.

Help children enjoy themselves. Encourage kids to do activities and play with others. The distraction is good for them, and gives them a sense of normalcy.

Share information about what happened. It's always best to learn the details of a traumatic event from a safe, trusted adult. Be brief and honest, and allow children to ask questions. Don't presume kids are worrying about the same things as adults.

Pick good times to talk. Look for natural openings to have a discussion.

Prevent or limit exposure to news coverage. This is especially critical with toddlers and school-age children, as seeing disturbing events recounted on TV or in the newspaper or listening to them on the radio can make them seem to be ongoing. Children who believe bad events are temporary can more quickly recover from them.

Understand that children cope in different ways. Some might want to spend extra time with friends and relatives; some might want to spend more time alone. Let your child know it is normal to experience anger, guilt and sadness, and to express things in different ways-for example, a person may feel sad but not cry.

Listen well. It is important to understand how your child views the situation, and what is confusing or troubling to them. Do not lecture-just be understanding. Let kids know it is OK to tell you how they are feeling at any time.

Help children relax with breathing exercises. Breathing becomes shallow when anxiety sets in; deep belly breaths can help children calm down. You can hold a feather or a wad of cotton in front of your child's mouth and ask them to blow at it, exhaling slowly. Or you can say, "Let's breathe in slowly while I count to three, then breathe out while I count to three." Place a stuffed animal or pillow on your child's belly as they lie down and ask them to breathe in and out slowly and watch the stuffed animal or pillow rise and fall.

Acknowledge what your child is feeling. If a child admits to a concern, do not respond, "Oh, don't be worried," because they may feel embarrassed or criticized. Simply confirm what you are hearing: "Yes, I can see that you are worried."

Know that it's okay to answer, "I don't know." What children need most is someone whom they trust to listen to their questions, accept their feelings, and be there for them. Don't worry about knowing exactly the right thing to say - after all, there is no answer that will make everything okay.

Download a PDF version of this guide

Tips for Helping Kids Recover in a Healthy Way

Realize that questions may persist. Because the aftermath of a disaster may include constantly changing situations, children may have questions on more than on occasion. Let them know you are ready to talk at any time. Children need to digest information on their own timetable and questions might come out of nowhere.

Encourage family discussions about the death of a loved one. When families can talk and feel sad together, it's more likely that kids will share their feelings.

Do not give children too much responsibility. It is very important not to overburden kids with tasks, or give them adult ones, as this can be too stressful for them. Instead, for the near future you should lower expectations for household duties and school demands, although it is good to have them do at least some chores.

Give special help to kids with special needs. These children may require more time, support and guidance than other children. You might need to simplify the language you use, and repeat things very often. You may also need to tailor information to your child's strength; for instance, a child with language disability may better understand information through the use of visual materials or other means of communication you are used to.

Watch for signs of trauma. Within the first month after a disaster it is common for kids to seem mostly okay. After that, the numbness wears off and kids might experience more symptoms - especially children who have witnessed injuries or death, lost immediate family members, experienced previous trauma in their lives or who are not resettled in a new home.

Know when to seek help. Although anxiety and other issues may last for months, seek immediate help from your family doctor or from a mental health professional if they do not abate or your child starts to hear voices, sees things that are not there, becomes paranoid, experiences panic attacks, or has thoughts of wanting to harm himself or other people.

Take care of yourself. You can best help your child when you help yourself. Talk about concerns with friends and relatives; it might be helpful to form a support group. If you belong to a church or community group, keep participating. Try to eat right, drink enough water, stick to exercise routines, and get enough sleep. Physical health protects against emotional vulnerability. To reduce stress, do deep breathing. If you suffer from severe anxiety that interferes with your ability to function, seek help from a doctor or mental health professional and if you don't have access to one, talk with a religious leader. Recognize your need for help and get it. Do it for your child's sake, if for no other reason.

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How to Help Children Ages 0-2

Infants sense your emotions, and react accordingly. If you are calm, your baby will feel secure. If you act anxious and overwhelmed, your baby may react with fussing, have trouble being soothed, eat or sleep irregularly or may act withdrawn.

What you can do:

Try your best to act calm. Even if you are feeling stressed or anxious, talk to your baby in a soothing voice.

Respond consistently to your baby's needs. The developmental task of this age is to trust caregivers so kids can develop a strong, healthy attachment.

Continue nursing if you have been breastfeeding. Although there is a myth that when a mother experiences shock her breast milk turns bad and could cause the baby to be "slow" or have learning disorders, that is not true. It is important to continue nursing your baby to keep them healthy and connected with you. You need to stay healthy to breastfeed, so do your best to eat enough and drink water.

Look into your baby's eyes. Smile at them. Touch them. Research shows that eye contact, touch and simply being in a mother's presence helps keep a baby's emotions balanced.

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How to Help Children Ages 2-5

At this age, although children are making big developmental advances, they still depend on parents to nurture them. As with babies, they typically respond to situations according to how parents react. If you are calm and confident, your child will feel more secure. If you act anxious or overwhelmed, your child may feel unsafe.

Typical reactions of children ages 2 to 5:

Talking repeatedly about the event or pretending to "play" the event

Tantrums or irritable outbursts

Crying and tearfulness

Increased fearfulness-often of the dark, monsters, or being alone

Increased sensitivity to sounds like thunder, wind, and other loud noises

Disturbances in eating, sleeping and toileting

Believing that the disaster can be undone

Excessive clinging to caregivers and trouble separating

Reverting to early behavior like baby talk, bed-wetting and thumb-sucking

What you can do:

Make your child feel safe. Hold, hug and cuddle your child as much as possible. Tell them you will take care of them when they feel sad or scared. With children who are learning to talk, use simple phrases such as "Mommy's here."

Watch what you say. Little children have big ears and may pick up on your anxiety, misinterpret what they hear, or be frightened unnecessarily by things they do not understand.

Maintain routines as much as possible. No matter what your living situation, do your best to have regular mealtimes and bedtimes. If you are homeless or have been relocated, create new routines. Try to do the things you have always done with your children, such as singing songs or saying prayers before they go to sleep.

Give extra support at bedtime. Children who have been through trauma may become anxious at night. When you put your child to bed, spend more time than usual talking or telling stories. It's okay to make a temporary arrangement for young children to sleep with you, but with the understanding that they will go back to normal sleeping arrangements at a set future date.

Do not expose kids to the news. Young children tend to confuse facts with fears. They may not realize that the images they see on the news aren't happening again and again. They should also not listen to the radio.

Encourage children to share feelings. Try a simple question such as, "How are you feeling today?" Follow any conversations about the recent event with a favorite story or a family activity to help kids feel more safe and calm.

Enable your child to tell the story of what happened. This will help them make sense of the event and cope with their feelings. Play can often be used to help your child frame the story and tell you about the event in their own words.

Draw pictures. Young children often do well expressing emotions with drawing. This is another opportunity to provide explanations and reassurance. To start a discussion, you may comment on what a child has drawn.

If your child acts out it may be a sign they need extra attention. Help them name how they feel: Scared? Angry? Sad? Let them know it is okay to feel that way, then show them the right way to behave-you can say, "It's okay to be angry, but it is not okay to hit your sister."

Get kids involved in activities. Distraction is a good thing for kids at this age. Play games with them, and arrange for playtime with other kids.

Talk about things that are going well. Even in the most trying times, it's important to identify something positive and express hope for the future to help your child recover. You can say something like, "We still have each other. I am here with you, and I will stay with you." Pointing out the good will help you feel better, too.

How to help kids ages 2 to 5 cope with the death of a loved one:

Speak to them at their level. Use similar experiences to help children understand, such as the death of a pet or changes in flowers in the garden.

Provide simple explanations. For example, "When someone dies, we can't see them anymore but we can still look at them in pictures and remember them."

Reassure your children. They might feel what happened is their fault, somehow; let them know it is not.

Expect repeated questions. That is how young children process information.

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How to Help Children Ages 6-11

At this age, children are more able to talk about their thoughts and feelings and can better handle difficulties, but they still look to parents for comfort and guidance. Listening to them demonstrates your commitment. When scary things happen, seeing that parents can still parent may be the most reassuring thing for a frightened child.

Typical reactions of children ages 6 to 11:

Anxiety

Increased aggression, anger and irritability (like bullying or fighting with peers)

Sleep and appetite disturbances

Blaming themselves for the event

Moodiness or crying

Concerns about being taken care of

Fear of future injury or death of loved ones

Denying the event even occurred

Complaints about physical discomfort, such as stomachaches, headaches, and lethargy, which may be due to stress

Repeatedly asking questions

Refusing to discuss the event (more typical among kids ages 9 to 11)

Withdrawal from social interactions

Academic problems: Trouble with memory and concentration at school, refusing to attend

What you can do to help:

Reassure your child that they are safe. Children this age are comforted by facts. Use real words, such as hurricane, earthquake, flood, aftershock. For kids this age, knowledge is empowering and helps relieve anxiety.

Keep things as "normal" as possible. Bedtime and mealtime routines help kids feel safe and secure. If you are homeless or have been relocated, establish different routines and give your child some choice in the matter-for example, let them choose which story to tell at bedtime. This gives a child a sense of control during an uncertain time.

Limit exposure to TV, newspapers and radio. The more bad news school-age kids are exposed to, the more worried they will be. News footage can magnify the trauma of the event, so when a child does watch a news report or listen to the radio, sit with them so you can talk about it afterward. Avoid letting your child see graphic images.

Spend time talking with your child. Let them know that it is okay to ask questions and to express concerns or sadness. One way to encourage conversation is to use family time (such as mealtime) to talk about what is happening in the family as well as in the community. Also ask what their friends have been saying, so you can make sure to correct any misinformation.

Answer questions briefly but honestly. After a child has brought something up, first ask for their ideas so you can understand exactly what the concern is. Usually children ask a question because they are worried about something specific. Give a reassuring answer. If you do not know an answer to a question, it is okay to say, "I don't know." Do not speculate or repeat rumors.

Draw out children who do not talk. Open a discussion by sharing your own feelings-for example, you could say, "This was a very scary thing, and sometimes I wake up in the night because I am thinking about it. How are you feeling?" Doing this helps your child feel they are not alone in their concerns or fears. However, do not give a lot of detail about your own anxieties.

Keep children busy. Daily activities, such as playing with friends or going to school, may have been disrupted. Help kids think of alternative activities and organize playgroups with other parents.

Calm worries about friends' safety. Reassure your children that their friends' parents are taking care of them just as they are being cared for by you.

Talk about community recovery. Let children know that things are being done to keep them safe, or restore electricity and water, and that government and community groups are helping, if applicable.

Encourage kids to lend a hand. This will give them a sense of accomplishment and purpose at a time when they may feel helpless. Younger children can do small tasks for you; older ones can contribute to volunteer projects in the community.

Find the hope. Children need to see the future to recover. Kids this age appreciate specifics. For example, in the event of a natural disaster, you could say: "People from all over the country are sending medical supplies, food, and water. They've built new places where people who are hurt will be taken care of, and they will build new homes. It'll be very hard like this only for just a little while."

How to help kids ages 6 to 11 cope with the death of a loved one:

Find out what your child is thinking. Ask questions before you make assumptions about what your child wants to know. For example, you can say, "It made me so upset when grandma died. What about you? It's hard to think about, isn't it?"

Use real words. Avoid euphemisms for death like "He went to a better place." School-age children are easily confused by vague answers. Instead, you can say, "Grandma has died, she is not coming back, and it is okay to feel sad about that."

Be as concrete as possible. Use simple drawings to describe things such as the body and injuries.

Inform your child. Let them know that anger and sadness are typical, and that if they avoid feelings they may feel worse later on.

Prepare your child for anticipated changes in routines or household functions. Talk about what the changes will mean for them.

Reassure your child. Help them understand it is okay, and normal, to have trouble with school, peers, and family during this time.

Encourage meaningful memorializing. Pray together as a family and take your child with you to church to light a candle. Your child might also want to write a letter to the deceased person or draw a picture you can hang up.

Be patient. Kids up to age 11 may think death is reversible, and can have trouble accepting the fact that the person may not return. You might need to say repeatedly, "He died and is not coming back, and I am sad."

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How to Help Children Ages 12-18

Adolescence is already a challenging time for young people, who have so many changes happening in their bodies. They struggle with wanting more independence from parents, and have a tendency to feel nothing can harm them. Traumatic events can make them feel out of control, even if they act as if they are strong. They will also feel bad for people affected by the disaster, and have a strong desire to know why the event occurred.

Typical reactions of children ages 12 to 18:

Avoidance of feelings

Constant rumination about the disaster

Distancing themselves from friends and family

Anger or resentment

Depression, and perhaps expression of suicidal thoughts

Panic and anxiety, including worrying about the future

Mood swings and irritability

Changes in appetite and/or sleep habits

Academic issues, such as trouble with memory and concentration, and/or refusing to attend school

Participation in risky or illegal behavior, like drinking alcohol

What you can do:

Make your teen feel safe again. Adolescents do not like to show vulnerability; they may try to act as if they are doing fine even though they are not. While they may resist hugs, your touch can help them feel secure. You can say something like, "I know you're grown now, but I just need to give you a hug."

Help teens feel helpful. Give them small tasks and responsibilities in the household, then praise them for what they have done and how they have handled themselves.
Do not overburden teens with too many responsibilities, especially adult-like ones, as that will add to their anxiety.

Open the door for discussion. It's very typical for teens to say they don't want to talk. Try to start a conversation while you are doing an activity together, so that the conversation does not feel too intense or confrontational.

Consider peer groups. Some teenagers may feel more comfortable talking in groups with their peers, so consider organizing one. Also encourage conversation with other trusted adults, like a relative or teacher.

Limit exposure to TV, newspapers and radio. While teens can better handle the news than younger kids, those who are unable to detach themselves from TV or the radio may be trying to deal with anxiety in unhealthy ways. In any case, talk with your teen about the things they have seen or heard.

Help your teen take action. Kids this age will want to help the community. Find appropriate volunteer opportunities.

Be aware of substance abuse. Teens are particularly at risk for turning to alcohol or drugs to numb their anxiety. If your teen has been behaving secretively or is seemingly drunk or high, get in touch with a doctor. And talk to your teen in a kind way. For example, "People often drink or use drugs after a disaster to calm themselves or forget, but it can also cause more problems. Some other things you can do are take a walk, talk to me or your friends about how you feel, or write about your hopes for a better future."

How to help kids ages 12 to 18 cope with the death of a loved one:

Be patient. Teens may have a fear of expressing emotions about death. Encourage them to talk by saying something like, "I know it is horrible that grandma has died. Experts say it's good to share our feelings. How are you doing?"

Be very open. Discuss the ways you feel the death may be influencing their behavior.

Be flexible. It is okay, at this time, to have a little more flexibility with rules and academic and behavioral expectations.

Memorialize meaningfully. Pray together at home, let your teen light a candle at church, and include them in memorial ceremonies. They might also appreciate doing a private family tribute at home.

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What Teachers Can Do to Help Students

Resume routine as much as possible. Children tend to function better when they know what to expect. Returning to a school routine will help students feel that the troubling events have not taken control over every aspect of their daily lives. Maintain expectations of students. It doesn't need to be 100%, but needing to do some homework and simple classroom tasks is very helpful.

Be aware of signs that a child may need extra help. Students who are unable to function due to feelings of intense sadness, fear or anger should be referred to a mental health professional. Children may have distress that is manifested as physical ailments, such as head- aches, stomachaches, or extreme fatigue.

Help kids understand more about what happened. For example, you can mention the various kinds of help coming in, and provide positive coping ideas.

Consider a memorial. Memorials are often helpful to commemorate people and things that were lost. School memorials should be kept brief and appropriate to the needs and age range of the general school community. Children under four may not have the attention span to join in. A known caregiver, friend, or relative should be the child's companion during funeral or memorial activities.

Reassure children that school officials are making sure they are safe. Children's fears abate when they know that trusted adults are doing what they can to take care of them.

Stay in touch with parents. Tell them about the school's programs and activities so they can be prepared for discussions that may continue at home. Encourage parents to limit their children's exposure to news reports.

Take care of yourself. You may be so busy helping your students that you neglect yourself. Find ways for you and your colleagues to support one another.

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Signs of Trauma in Children and Adolescents

Constantly replaying the event in their minds

Nightmares

Beliefs that the world is generally unsafe

Irritability, anger and moodiness

Poor concentration

Appetite or sleep issues

Behavior problems

Nervousness about people getting too close

Jumpiness from loud noises

Regression to earlier behavior in young children, such as: clinging, bed-wetting or thumb-sucking

Difficulty sleeping

Detachment or withdrawal from others

Use of alcohol or drugs in teens

Functional impairment: Inability to go to school, learn, play with friends, etc.

This guide was last reviewed or updated on June 21, 2023.

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Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event

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Your comfort and support can help children cope with trauma. Advice from the Child Mind Institute on how to what to do and what to look out for.

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Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting: these are all behaviors you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can't control. While some kids have learned to act out because it gets them what they want - attention or time on the iPad - other kids have trouble staying calm because they are unusually sensitive.

The good news is that learning to calm down instead of acting out is a skill that can be taught.

What is dysregulation?

" Some children's reactions are just bigger than their peers or their siblings or their cousins," explains Lindsey Giller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. "Not only do they feel things more intensely and quickly, they're often slower to return to being calm." Unusually intense feelings can also make a child more prone to impulsive behaviors.

When kids are overwhelmed by feelings, adds Dr. Giller, the emotional side of the brain isn't communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. Experts call it being "dysregulated." It's not effective to try to reason with a child who's dysregulated. To discuss what happened, you need to wait until a child's rational faculties are back "online."

Rethinking emotions

Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Kids don't go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.

Some kids are hesitant to acknowledge negative emotions. "A lot of kids are growing up thinking anxiety, anger, sadness are bad emotions," says Stephanie Samar, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. But naming and accepting these emotions is "a foundation to problem-solving how to manage them."

Parents may also minimize negative feelings, notes Dr. Samar, because they want their kids to be happy. But children need to learn that we all have a range of feelings. "You don't want to create a dynamic that only happy is good," she says.

Model managing difficult feelings

"For younger children, describing your own feelings and modeling how you manage them is useful," notes Dr. Samar. "They hear you strategizing about your own feelings, when you're nervous or frustrated, and how you're going to handle it, and they can use these words."

For kids who feel like big emotions sneak up on them, you can help them practice recognizing their emotions, and model doing that yourself. Try ranking the intensity of your emotions from 1-10, with 1 being pretty calm and 10 being furious. If you forget something that you meant to bring to Grandma's, you could acknowledge that you are feeling frustrated and say that you're at a 4. It might feel a little silly at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice what they are feeling.

If you see them starting to get upset about something, ask them what they are feeling, and how upset they are. Are they at a 6? For some younger kids, a visual aid like a feelings thermometer might help.

Validation is a powerful tool for helping kids calm down by communicating that you understand and accept what they're feeling. "Validation is showing acceptance, which is not the same thing as agreement," Dr. Giller explains. "It's nonjudgmental. And it's not trying to change or fix anything." Feeling understood, she explains, helps kids let go of powerful feelings.

Effective validation means paying undivided attention to your child. "You want to be fully attuned so you can notice her body language and facial expressions and really try to understand her perspective," says Dr. Samar. "It can help to reflect back and ask, 'Am I getting it right?' Or if you're truly not getting it, it's okay to say, 'I'm trying to understand.' "

Helping kids by showing them that you're listening and trying to understand their experience can help avoid explosive behavior when a child is building towards a tantrum.

Active ignoring

Validating feelings doesn't mean giving attention to bad behavior. Ignoring behaviors like whining, arguing, inappropriate language or outbursts is a way to reduce the chances of these behaviors being repeated. It's called "active" because it's withdrawing attention conspicuously.

"You're turning your face, and sometimes body, away or leaving the room when your child is engaging in minor misbehaviors in order to withdraw your attention," Dr. Giller explains. "But the key to its effectiveness is, as soon as your child is doing something you can praise, to turn your attention back on."

Positive attention

The most powerful tool parents have in influencing behavior is attention. As Dr. Giller puts it, "It's like candy for your kids." Positive attention will increase the behaviors you are focusing on.

When you're shaping a new behavior, you want to praise it and give a lot of attention to it. "So really, really focus in on it," adds Dr. Giller. "Be sincere, enthusiastic and genuine. And you want it to be very specific, to make sure your child understands what you are praising."

When helping your child deal with an emotion, notice the efforts to calm down, however small. For example, if your child is in the midst of a tantrum and you see him take a deep inhale of air, you can say, "I like that you took a deep breath" and join him in taking additional deep breathes.

Clear expectations

Another key way to help prevent kids from getting dysregulated is to make your expectations clear and follow consistent routines. "It's important to keep those expectations very clear and short," notes Dr. Samar, and convey rules and expected behaviors when everyone is calm. Dependable structure helps kids feel in control.

When change is unavoidable, it's good to give advance warning. Transitions are particularly tough for kids who have trouble with big emotions, especially when it means stopping an activity they're very engaged in. Providing a warning before a transition happens can help kids feel more prepared. "In 15 minutes, we're going to sit down at the table for dinner, so you're going to need to shut off your PS4 at that time," Dr. Giller suggests. It may still be hard for them to comply, but knowing it's coming helps kids feel more in control and stay calmer," she explains.

Give options

When kids are asked to do things they're not likely to feel enthusiastic about, giving them options may reduce outbursts and increase compliance. For instance: "You can either come with me to food shopping or you can go with Dad to pick up your sister." Or: "You can get ready for bed now and we can read a story together - or you can get ready for bed in 10 minutes and no story."

"Giving two options reduces the negotiating that can lead to tension," Dr. Samar suggests.

Coping ahead

Coping ahead is planning in advance for something that you predict may be an emotionally challenging situation for your child, or for both of you. It means talking, when you are both calm, about what's coming, being direct about what negative emotions can arise, and strategizing how you will get through it.

If a child was upset last time she was at Grandma's house because she wasn't allowed to do something she gets to do at home, coping ahead for the next visit would be acknowledging that you saw that she was frustrated and angry, and discussing how she can handle those feelings. Together you might come up with something she is allowed to do at Grandma's that she can have fun doing.

Talking about stressful situations in advance helps avoid meltdowns. "If you set up a plan in advance, it increases the likelihood that you'll end up in a positive situation," Dr. Samar notes.

Problem solving

If a child has a tantrum, parents are often hesitant to bring it up later, Dr. Samar notes. "It's natural to want to put that behind us. But it's good to revisit briefly, in a non-judgmental way."

Revisiting an earlier event - say a meltdown at the toy store - engages the child in thinking about what happened, and to strategize about what could have been done differently. If you can come up with one or two things that might have led to a different outcome, your child might remember them next time he's starting to feel overwhelmed.

Five special minutes a day

Even a small amount of time set aside reliably, every day, for mom or dad to do something chosen by a child can help that child manage stress at other points in the day. It's a time for positive connection, without parental commands, ignoring any minor misbehavior, just attending to your child and letting her be in charge.

It can help a child who's having a tough time in school, for instance, to know she can look forward to that special time. "This five minutes of parental attention should not be contingent on good behavior," says Dr. Samar. "It's a time, no matter what happened that day, to reinforce that 'I love you no matter what.' "

How do you help an angry child calm down?

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How to Help Children Calm Down - Child Mind Institute

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Learn how to help kids calm down before frustration, fear or anger builds into explosive behavior. Emotional regulation is a skill some kids need to be taught.

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If you have more than one young child you are probably all too familiar with some of the problems of sibling rivalry. Sometimes parents who have made a relatively smooth adjustment to their first baby are completely bowled over by the experience of a second. Even if your first child is a little older, quite apart from all the practical arrangements and physical demands, you shouldn’t underestimate the emotional turmoil caused by a new addition to the family.

You have a much more complex and demanding task ahead in managing the emotional and physical needs of more than one child in the years to come. Children’s needs often clash, and the continuing task of understanding, managing and negotiating these, will test parents to their limit.

Having another baby

Parents approach the birth of a new baby with a range of different emotions and expectations, and you probably feel a mixture of excitement and apprehension. Your hopes and desires for your children are related to your own early experiences. A mother whose older brother was a bully may, for example, be hoping that her 18-month-old daughter will have the close friend in her younger sister or brother that she never had. A father who was an only child may not be aware that his own one-year-old could have any feelings at all about a new baby in the family.

It must be remembered that it is the parents who choose to have another baby, not the older sister or brother. They have no say in the matter and what is, to you, largely a source of happiness may be nothing of the sort to your child.

Preparing the older children

Even without being told about the pregnancy, most children are aware of a sense of pre- occupation and a shift in the focus of your interest. If the pregnancy is well established and you are aware of wanting to share the news, it is probably better to tell your child about it.

When you tell them, they won’t fully understand what a new baby in the family will really mean, over and above having to share you. This makes some children quite fearful and bad-tempered, reverting to baby habits and difficult behaviour. Some children feel extremely fearful of being ‘pushed out’ by a new baby. All this is an absolutely normal part of their adjustment but requires a lot of patience and understanding on your part. It is also normal for a child to be as excited and happy as you are about a new baby.

There is a certain amount you can do to prepare your child for the new experience of having a brother or sister. When you talk about the positive aspects of a new baby, share some of the anticipated difficulties too. New babies do take up a lot of time, cry a lot and turn everybody’s world upside down.

Your child may wish to go back to being a baby for a while, and not be a ‘big sister or brother’ any more. They need to know that it is OK not to feel wonderful about the new baby all the time and that sometimes they will probably feel angry, upset and jealous when their needs have to wait. You need to reassure them that they are still lovable.

Arrangements for the birth

Your firstborn child needs love and support from other familiar people at a time when their parents – and particularly their mother – become less available. The preparations for your older child’s care when the new baby is born are crucial. Who is your child going to be with during this time? What will happen if you need to spend longer in hospital? What is best for your child during this period?

In this situation it helps if you can call on an extended family of relatives or friends. It is important for all your immediate circle to know what plans are in place, so that you can try and avoid too many separations, new places and strange faces at this time of major change.

Changing places

Everyone in the family has to make a big adjustment when a new baby arrives. The family set-up changes overnight: the only child becomes the older sister or brother, the baby in the family becomes the middle child.

It is wise to expect some feelings about this to last a long time, if not a lifetime.

How we feel about ourselves in relation to our brothers and sisters is a powerful thread running through our lives which can easily rise to the surface at different times.

For many children – no matter how carefully their parents have tried to prepare them – a new sister or brother remains a tremendous shock. They may have expected a new playmate while the actual arrival has turned out to be a real live, crying, time-consuming and demanding baby.

For the older child, the terrible reality of a new baby is that they are no longer the centre of their parent’s universe.

Sibling rivalry

It is natural and normal for an older child to respond to the birth of a new baby with feelings of jealousy, resentment, insecurity, anger and sadness.

What is sometimes hard for parents to see or understand is the way in which these feelings make themselves known:

One child may quite clearly try to physically hurt their baby brother or say openly that they want him to go back.

Another child may be loving towards the new baby, but aggressive and hostile to her mother.

One might become very withdrawn, sucking his thumb and bedwetting.

Another may be fine at home but a cause for concern at school. Individual children have different difficulties with their new sibling:

A child may accept the new baby with no apparent jealousy, but when the baby is nine months old and grabs their toys, enormous feelings of resentment can surface.

Problems may arise when a younger child becomes sociable, makes their own friends and no longer needs their older sister or brother so much.

One child may seem to be more popular or successful at school than the other. Brothers and sisters may be very close during some periods, but there may be times throughout their lives when jealous feelings are very difficult for them.

What can parents do?

Your older child’s unattractive and unlovable behaviour is directly related to their fear of being utterly unlovable. They need extra reassurance and love at this point, along with clear guidelines about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Often the response to the bad behaviour confirms their absolutely worst feelings about themselves – that they have been replaced by a new baby because they are completely unlovable.

The message to try and get across to your child is that they are not ‘bad’ for feeling like this, that you understand how difficult they are finding it and how rotten these feelings make them feel inside.

However, demanding and tiring this period is, remind yourself that you are the parent and it is within your power to try to break this cycle. Take some consolation from the fact that your child trusts your love enough to test you to the limit, and to show you how bad they are feeling.

Although it may often be hard for you to manage both your older child and the new baby, your continuing love allows your child a safe place to express their feelings.

If you feel you need help, contact your GP or health visitor or local Child Guidance or Child and Family Clinic (the addresses are in the telephone directory under your local Health Authority).

Some helpful practical tips

Try and avoid too many other life changes occurring at the same time as the new arrival. Moving to a new house or starting at playgroup, for example, are best delayed if at all possible.

Take time to encourage and appreciate any helpful and loving gestures made towards the new baby, while ignoring negative and babyish behaviour as far as possible.

Find small, manageable tasks for your older child to do to encourage them to be involved. Don’t push it if you get a negative response but give praise for the help you do receive.

Try to arrange some special, baby-free time for you and your older child to have a quiet read or play on your own.

Be firm about negative behaviour without making your child feel guilty. Stress that it is what they are doing, not what they are, that is unacceptable.

Beware of getting into the habit of thinking about ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behaviour, and ‘good’ and ‘bad’ children within a family. Family myths can be hard to break.

Watch out for signs of withdrawal or depression in your older child and mention any concerns to school or playgroup staff. A child who is finding their intense feelings about a new baby too difficult to share may bury them and need help in talking about them to someone outside the family.

About this leaflet

Understanding Childhood is a series of leaflets written by experienced child and adolescent psychoanalytic psychotherapists to give parents, grandparents, carers and professionals additional insight into children’s feelings and view of the world and to help make sense of their behaviour. Originally written for the Child Psychotherapy Trust they have been reviewed and updated and are now published by the ACP. The full series is available on the ACP website https://childpsychotherapy.org.uk/

© Association of Child Psychotherapists 2020

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Sibling Rivalry - The Arrival of a Baby Brother or Sister | Association of Child Psychotherapists

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If you have more than one young child you are probably all too familiar with some of the problems of sibling rivalry. Sometimes parents who have made a relatively smooth adjustment to their first baby are completely bowled over by the experience of a second. Even if your first child is a little olde…

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Books are a great way of preparing a toddler or younger child for the a new sibling, or to help them understand and connect with a new arrival.

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Toddler sleep: what you need to know

Toddlers need 11-14 hours sleep every 24 hours. Usually this is a sleep of 10-12 hours a night, and a nap of 1-2 hours during the day.

Toddlers are developing fast, and their sleep changes a lot at this age. For example, it can seem that toddlers are having trouble settling for sleep, getting to sleep or sleeping through the night, at least some of the time. And toddlers love to test their independence, so getting them to bed in the first place can be a challenge.

Once you can spot your child's signs of tiredness, you'll be able to settle your child to sleep before grumpiness sets in. A firm and consistent bedtime routine will be a big help with many toddler settling and sleep issues.

Understanding sleep and sleep patterns is an important starting point for helping your child develop healthy habits and a positive attitude towards sleep.

Toddler sleep schedule

A common daily sleep schedule for toddlers might look like this:

If your toddler's day nap is too long or too late in the day, they might not be ready for bed until late at night.

Some toddlers like to wake at 5.30 am or 6 am. There isn't much you can do about this. Putting your toddler to bed later at night in the hope of later waking in the morning doesn't tend to work. Your toddler might still wake up early then be grumpy from too little sleep.

If you live with an early riser, you might want to make your bedtime earlier too.

Toddler bedtime routine

A positive bedtime routine helps toddlers feel ready for sleep and settle more easily when they wake at night.

Most toddlers are ready for bed between 6.30 pm and 7.30 pm. This is a good time, because they sleep deepest between 8 pm and midnight. It's important to keep the routine consistent on weekends as well as during the week.

A bedtime routine might look something like this:

7 pm: brush teeth and change nappy

7.15 pm: quiet time (read a book or tell a story)

7.30 pm: into bed and kiss goodnight.

Before you turn out the light, it's a good idea to do a quick check of your child's room to make sure the sleeping environment is safe.

If your child takes a dummy to bed, you might consider encouraging your child to let go of the dummy.

Taking a bottle of milk to bed isn't a good idea either, because it can cause tooth decay and lead to more problems with sleep. It's better for your child to finish their milk at least 30 minutes before going to bed.

Calling out and getting up after bedtime

Your toddler might go through a stage of calling out or getting out of bed after you've said goodnight.

Try these tips:

Avoid boisterous play before bedtime. This can make it harder for your child to settle.

Turn off the TV, computers and tablets an hour before bedtime, and avoid letting your child watch scary or exciting things close to bedtime.

Set up a consistent, calming bedtime routine.

Before leaving your child's bedroom, check that your child has everything they need. Remind your child to stay quietly in bed.

If your toddler shares a bedroom with a brother or sister, you might need to delay your other child's bedtime by half an hour until your toddler is settled and asleep. If you're firm and consistent, your toddler will quickly get the message that bedtime is for sleeping.

Check whether your child actually needs something when they call out. If your child has done a poo, change the nappy with the lights dim and no talking. If your child is scared of the dark, think about using a night-light.

Many toddlers have settling and sleep problems. But problems like going to sleep and staying asleep can be more severe in autistic children. You can manage and overcome many sleep problems in autistic children using common behaviour strategies.

Toddler naps

At 12 months, your toddler might be having two naps a day, but by three years, they're more likely to have just one nap or to have dropped their daytime sleep altogether. You might find the first nap gets longer and later in the day as the second nap gradually stops.

You can encourage your toddler to nap by having a quiet, consistent pre-nap routine. For example, you could sing a gentle song, have a cuddle or read a story before naps. It's also good to make sure your toddler has daytime naps in their cot or bed. And if your toddler stops sleeping at nap time, you could try giving your toddler a rest at the same time each day.

Night terrors

A night terror is when your child suddenly gets very upset while sleeping deeply. Night terrors can be scary for you, but they don't hurt your child, and your child won't remember them in the morning.

Lack of sleep can cause night terrors in some children. If you think your child isn't getting enough sleep, a positive bedtime routine might help.

A night terror usually settles down in 10-15 minutes, but they can last longer than this.

Moving to a 'big bed'

Most children move from a cot to a bed when they're around 2-3 years old. But there's no hurry, particularly because some young toddlers might try to get out of a big bed more often.

You might need to move your child if your child has started climbing out of the cot or needs to use the potty at night. Or you might need the cot for a new baby.

Teeth-grinding

Many children grind their teeth at some stage. Children won't usually be woken up by the sound of their own teeth-grinding - but other people in the room might be! Teeth-grinding doesn't usually cause any damage to children's teeth.

Getting help

Sleep medications aren't usually the solution to children's sleep problems - there are better ways to deal with these difficulties.

Children's sleep problems are one of the most common reasons that parents seek help from professionals. Your child's sleep problems will be much easier to manage with the support of a trusted child health professional.

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Toddlers need 11-14 hours sleep every 24 hours. Usually this is a sleep of 10-12 hours a night, and a nap of 1-2 hours during the day. Toddlers are developing fast, and their sleep changes a lot at this age.

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We have a growing number of regional hubs.

Hubs bring infant mental health practitioners together in communities of practice.

AIMH UK seeks to support the professional development of all practitioners involved in promoting infant mental health.

We organise meetings, conferences and online events, and provide a range of advice, updates and resources.

If your professional work is concerned with babies and infants from conception to age three, or with their parents or carers, then join AiMH UK.

I will have no recollection of this time, but it will affect me for the rest of my life

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Association for Infant Mental Health UK | AiMH UK

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We have a growing number of regional hubs. Hubs bring infant mental health practitioners together in communities of practice. AIMH UK seeks to support the professional development of all practitioners involved in promoting infant mental health. We organise meetings, conferences and online events, and provide a range of advice, updates and resources.

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Learn about your baby’s developmental leaps, cope with them, and get automatic leap notifications with the Wonder Weeks app. Stay prepared for the next leap!

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Believe in children | Children’s charity

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Barnardo’s is a children’s charity that protects and supports children and young people in the UK who need us. We help bring out the best in them.

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Safe and happy childhoods

We protect and support children and young people, providing practical and emotional care and support. We ensure their voices are heard, and campaign to bring lasting improvements to their lives.

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We protect and support children and young people, providing practical and emotional care and support. We campaign to bring lasting improvements to their lives

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Do you need support or advice about your family or situation?

Or, are you a practitioner who wants to get some advice about a family you are working with?

Plymouth have an Early Help and SEND advice line through which you can book a conversation with a Family Support Worker to talk about any worries or questions you may have. We are able to offer support around:

education worries

emotional wellbeing

parenting guidance

queries about the SEND process

relationship worries

school attendance

SEND concerns

social and emotional development

We will not be able to refer to a service or for support or speak to another agency directly on your behalf but we will be able to signpost you to what support is available to you across the city. If you are interested in attending one of the programmes available within targeted support we can discuss this further with you and support you in your nomination.

If it is felt through the conversation you require further support from a specialist within one of our teams we may need to arrange a further call back for you.

This call back system should not be used for any safeguarding concerns; for safeguarding concerns please call the Plymouth's Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub on 01752 668000.

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Plymouth Early Help and SEND Advice line | PLYMOUTH.GOV.UK

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Book a conversation with a Family Support Worker to talk about any worries or questions you may have

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Family Matters | Family therapy services based in Plymouth

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Please make a donation to help us continue our therapy work with families, your money is vital to our success and the continuation of our services.

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Harbour is part of the Plymouth Alliance. The aim of the alliance is to coordinate a complex needs system which will enable people to be supported flexibly, receiving the right care, at the right time in the right place.

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Support. Hope. Belonging. - Safe Families

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You can make a difference No one should feel alone. We exist to create relationship and connection because everyone deserves to belong. Join Us Support. Hope. Belonging. Facing life alone is hard, and when you feel there is no one there to support you it is a scary place to be. Therefore, at Safe Fa…

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At PDAS, we provide practical, non-judgemental support, advice and protection for all victims of domestic abuse.

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The Give a Little Love campaign, and amazing partnership from the John Lewis Partnership, aims to raise £5m for the work of Home-Start and FareShare through a nationwide effort to encourage communities and customers to embrace the Christmas spirit and give what they can.

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Home Start - Home-Start South and West Devon

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Our mission is to be there for parents when they need us most. Read More There for parents when they need us most. Supporting them to give their children the best start. Contact Parents Volunteer With US Referrer Info The Give a Little Love campaign, and amazing partnership from the John Lewis Partnership, aims to [...]

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A place for families, parents, carers and young people in Plymouth to find support and advice.

Family Hubs provide you and your family with children aged 0 to 19 (up to 25 for Young People with SEND) with support, when you need it, in a way that suits you. Eventually we will have Family Hub points across the City.

Our 'Start for Life' offer, supporting pregnancy through to 4 is the first stage of the programme to go live, you will be able to access this through Family Hubs, Children's Centres and online.

Find your nearest Family Hub on the Plymouth Online Directory.

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A place for families, parents, carers and young people in Plymouth to find support and advice

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Co-parenting for separated parents | Family Lives | Family Lives

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Shared parenting advice if you are no longer in a relationship with your ex. Find out more about parental responsibility, contact and new partners.

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We are Gingerbread, the charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice and practical support for single mums and dads in England and Wales.

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Family Matters | Family therapy services based in Plymouth

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Please make a donation to help us continue our therapy work with families, your money is vital to our success and the continuation of our services.

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Relate Plymouth and South Devon | Relationship Counselling Plymouth | Relationship Counselling South Devon | Relationship Counselling

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We know that sometimes relationships aren’t easy. They are subject to all the stresses and strains of daily life and can be difficult.

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Perinatal Mental Health Team | Livewell Southwest

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Livewell Southwest also offers perinatal peer services to support women experiencing low level perinatal mental health issues in accessing support from other women who have been through similar experiences and issues.

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Harbour is part of the Plymouth Alliance. The aim of the alliance is to coordinate a complex needs system which will enable people to be supported flexibly, receiving the right care, at the right time in the right place.

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At PDAS, we provide practical, non-judgemental support, advice and protection for all victims of domestic abuse.

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Every year, Sunflower supports and empowers more than 700 local women, many with complex needs and experience of trauma and abuse.
Sunflower offers a wrap-around therapeutic service for any woman in need in the City. This could include addictions, mental well-being, health, criminogenic behaviours, domestic abuse and social isolation.

Our compassionate and aspirational team of Sunflower Practitioners ensures a personalised package of support which includes accredited training, group work, counselling, creative therapies, drop-in women's space, parenting support, peer mentoring and much more.

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Every year, Sunflower supports and empowers more than 700 local women, many with complex needs and experience of trauma and abuse. Sunflower offers a wrap-around therapeutic service for any woman in need in the City. This could include addictions, mental well-being, health, criminogenic behaviours, domestic abuse and social isolation.

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Devon Mind, leading the fight for mental health in Devon

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Join the fight for mental health in Devon. Support Devon Mind today by donating, fundraising, volunteering or sharing. We’re here to fight for better mental health. For support. For respect. For you.

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Asylum Seekers & Refugees Mental Health Team | Livewell Southwest

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Livewell Southwest offers a specialist service dedicated to supporting the health and mental health needs of asylum seekers and those who have sought refuge in the UK.

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Do you need support or advice about your family or situation?

Or, are you a practitioner who wants to get some advice about a family you are working with?

Plymouth have an Early Help and SEND advice line through which you can book a conversation with a Family Support Worker to talk about any worries or questions you may have. We are able to offer support around:

education worries

emotional wellbeing

parenting guidance

queries about the SEND process

relationship worries

school attendance

SEND concerns

social and emotional development

We will not be able to refer to a service or for support or speak to another agency directly on your behalf but we will be able to signpost you to what support is available to you across the city. If you are interested in attending one of the programmes available within targeted support we can discuss this further with you and support you in your nomination.

If it is felt through the conversation you require further support from a specialist within one of our teams we may need to arrange a further call back for you.

This call back system should not be used for any safeguarding concerns; for safeguarding concerns please call the Plymouth's Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub on 01752 668000.

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Plymouth Early Help and SEND Advice line | PLYMOUTH.GOV.UK

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Book a conversation with a Family Support Worker to talk about any worries or questions you may have

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Plymouth Information Advice and Support for SEND.

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Supplying you with information, advice and support

Plymouth Information, Advice and Support for SEND (PIAS) provides information, advice and support relating to Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND) for parents, carers, children and young people within the Plymouth Local Authority area.

PIAS provides parents, carers of children and young people with SEND and also the children and young people independently with:

support at meetings

support around education and training issues.

Information provided is impartial and confidential. For more information please see our:

Introduction to PIAS

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Plymouth Information Advice and Support for SEND. - Supplying you with information, advice and support

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Plymouth Information Advice and Support for SEND., Supplying you with information, advice and support

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Friends and Families | Empowering Families with Disabled Children | Plymouth | South West

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We support and empower families with children living with a disability. We do this by providing services and activities for the whole family so that everyone gets to live their best life.

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Welcome to the Child Development Centre, Plymouth We are looking forward to meeting you. In the meantime, please feel free to have a look at our pages including planning your visit to us, some things you need to know about visiting and who you might meet.

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Our bereavement charity aims to ensure that children, young people, and their parents/carers in Plymouth and the immediate surrounding area have support at a sad and difficult time.

This may be because a loved one has died or a significant person has a terminal illness. Our work is centered around grieving children, young people and their families and we always aim to do our best to help them through a difficult and uncertain time.

Families need support at different times and may be facing lots of challenges. We are respectful of each child and their family's individual experiences and circumstances. We will be creative in our work and strive for excellence in all areas of the charity.

Copyright © 2023 Jeremiahs Journey. All rights reserved. Registered Charity in England & Wales. Registered charity number: 1144431 and company no. 07517748. Web design by Matrix

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Children's Bereavement Charity | Jeremiah's Journey, Plymouth

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We support grieving children & their families to help them through difficult times. Our bereavement charity is based in Plymouth, Devon.

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Starting primary school - BBC Parents' Toolkit - BBC Bitesize

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Advice and games to help you and your child prepare for primary school, then thrive during their first year.

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Settling your baby into a new childcare routine - whether that's a nursery, childminder, nanny, pre-school, children's centre or with a relative - is a big adjustment. It can be an emotional time for parents and babies.

The transition will be different for everyone, but here we look at ways of making the adjustment slightly easier.

Acknowledging your own feelings

Leaving your baby with their childcare provider for the first time can be very difficult and many parents feel upset, anxious and nervous.

Hannah Fleck, mum to Toby and Idris, says: 'I had mixed emotions both times. I had missed work and was thrilled to be going back. But I missed my little ones and their company. It was hard realising that their world had grown. One of the biggest tips for adjusting is to be kind to yourself and to allow yourself time."

Remember, it's a big change for all of you and feeling tearful and worried is natural.

And, if it takes your baby a while to settle in, some parents can feel guilty about leaving them in the care of others or for enjoying the time at work without their little one.

It's really important not to be hard on yourself. Life is all about balance and, once your baby is settled, your decisions about returning to work and childcare will start to feel more comfortable and you'll all feel more used to the new arrangement.

Tips for the early days

As difficult as it may sound when you're missing your little one, you could try to focus on the positives of being at work, such as professional fulfilment, career advancement, adult conversations and, of course, your pay check.

For the first few weeks it might be worth factoring in a few extra minutes after drop-off so you can take deep breaths and compose yourself rather than immediately rushing onto a train or into work while you're upset.

Some women say distractions help - listening to music on the journey, or getting involved in a task as soon as they arrive at work.

Having time to yourself on the commute to read, think or email friends - and carrying a handbag rather than a changing bag - can also be small pleasures that you never appreciated before!

You may look forward to simple things like going to the toilet on your own or drinking a cup of tea while it's hot. Or you could plan a nice lunch and catch up with colleagues.

Looking at the positives

When you return to work you may appreciate time with your baby even more, whether it's a bath together when you get home, snuggling up with a story or a trip out together on days off.

Some parents like to bring reminders of their little one to work to help them through the day, whether that's photos and videos on their phone or a favourite toy.

Keeping in contact with your childcare provider can also help reassure you that your baby is content and stimulated.

Staying in touch

The most important thing is that you're comfortable with your childcare choice. Some childcare settings will send photos or videos through the day, or you can look forward to reading a diary about their activities at the end of the day.

Some providers might be happy to send you a text update, or for you to phone if you need particular reassurance. Discuss this with your childcare provider beforehand so you know the best ways to keep in touch.

If you have any reservations about your childcare at all, try to get them sorted out because the happier you feel with the childcare setting the less stressful the transition will be.

Dealing with your child's emotions

Every child is different, so the way they settle into their new childcare setting will vary hugely. Some seem to take it in their stride, while others may cry a lot, which can be distressing.

Remember your childcare provider is professional, experienced and will have seen most scenarios before - so they'll know what your baby needs and how to comfort them.

It's good to remind yourself that babies are easily distracted. So, even if your little one is crying when you walk out of the door, the chances are that a few minutes later they'll be engrossed in a book or toy.

It can help to think about the positives for your child, for example all the mental stimulation they gain, the interaction with other children and their developmental progress. Some also say that childcare providers are great at doing creative activities like crafts, painting or playing with mud kitchens, which they avoid in their own homes because of the sheer mess involved.

This is a big change for your little one - and this can manifest itself in lots of different ways such as night-time waking when they've previously slept well or being more fussy than usual.

And, even a child who appeared to settle into their childcare fairly easily at the start, may seem to regress later on and become tearful when left. Try to be patient and give lots of reassurance and, in time, things should settle down again.

Practical tips

Settling your child in gradually is often the best way, so they're given time to get used to the environment, people and new routines.

Depending on your child's age, many nurseries and childminders will suggest a phased introduction, where you stay with your baby for the first couple of short sessions, then you leave them for a few hours, before building up to a full day.

Ultimately it's your decision on how to make the settling in period easiest for baby and you. Fiona Doyle, mum to Ciara and Branch Co-ordinator for NCT Haringey branch, has set up her own nursery. She says: 'Try to have a smile on your face. Even if you're crying inside at the thought of leaving them all day, make sure your little one doesn't pick up on your distress.'

And, even though they may be young, it's still worth talking to them and explaining the fun they'll have. It's a good idea to take walks or drives to the childcare setting to get your little one familiar with the journey and area.

Managing the morning rush

Many mums have a more relaxed schedule while on maternity leave, so it can be hard getting yourself and baby out of the house in the morning. It helps to split up drop-offs and pick-ups with your partner if you can and to be organised.

Setting out clothes the night before and packing your own and baby's bag (replenishing nappies, wipes, spare clothes and anything else they'll need for the day) is a good idea.

One dad said he underestimated the time needed for drop-offs in the morning - and for the first few weeks he ended up running from nursery to the train station. He says it's good to give yourself time to tell staff anything important like if your baby is teething, as well as to drop-off belongings, take off their coat and put the buggy away if necessary.

Having said that, most childcare providers don't recommend a protracted goodbye even if your baby is crying. Fiona says: 'My top tip is to keep it quick. The longer you hang around the longer your child thinks there's a chance of going home again. As soon as you're gone your baby will accept they're staying for the day and will settle well.'

She also suggests: 'Try to remain at the entrance and avoid going into the play areas. It's best for your baby to associate the play areas with being away from you and it can be confusing, and all the more distressing, if you sit down with them and then disappear.'

Arranging pick ups

Young children will often cry as they're tired from all the new sights and sounds, but it doesn't mean they've had a bad experience or that they don't want to go home. It may be just a general 'letting-go' of emotions and also because they know their mummy or daddy has the best comforting cuddle!

When it comes to pick-ups, many parents say they can't wait to see their little one, but the reaction they get is sometimes less than positive. Pick-ups can also be stressful if you or your partner has had a busy day at work. Try to be firm with colleagues and bosses about the time at which you need to leave work so you don't end up rushing.

You'll all be more tired while you're adjusting to working life again and baby is getting used to childcare.

Take it as easy as you can for the first few weeks - try to get to bed early, leave non-essential household jobs, don't plan too much for weekends and make time to talk to your partner about how you're feeling.

It will all settle down

Remember, settling your baby into childcare can be a rollercoaster for all the family and, unfortunately, tears and worries are a natural part of this. But, rest assured, things will settle down and you will all adjust to this new stage. You may find the benefits for all of you end up outweighing any teething troubles.

And, of course, if it's not working for you or your child, you can always change your mind and look into other arrangements. So try not to worry too much and be kind to yourself during this time of change.

Further information

Our support line offers practical and emotional support with feeding your baby and general enquiries for parents, members and volunteers: 0300 330 0700. We also offer antenatal courses which are a great way to find out more about birth, labour and life with a new baby.

You might find attending one of our NCT New Baby courses helpful as they give you the opportunity to explore different approaches to important parenting issues with a qualified group leader and other new parents in your area.

Make friends with other parents-to-be and new parents in your local area for support and friendship by seeing what NCT activities are happening nearby.

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One of the toughest things you'll probably do if you return to work after having a baby is settle them into childcare. Here are some parents' tips on it...

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With your help, we can keep offering free support to those who need us.

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Supporting people across all ages to improve sleep, and provides sleep training to professionals in the health, social and corporate sectors.

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Sleep tips Our Sleep Tips booklet introduces and explains different techniques for you to try that may improve your child’s sleep. It covers ten main topics including bedtime routines, daytime napping, comfort objects and moving bedtime backwards or forwards. It gives lots of illustrated hints and tips for putting the…

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One gift, twice the impact

From now until midday on Tuesday 5th December, donations to The Lullaby Trust made via the Big Give will be DOUBLED at no extra cost to you. Please donate today if you can. One gift will make twice the difference to babies living in crisis situations.

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How to reduce the risk of SIDS

Our safer sleep advice gives simple steps for how you can sleep your baby to reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) which is commonly known as cot death. It can give you the peace of mind to enjoy this special time.

Our advice is based on strong scientific evidence and should be followed for all sleep periods, not just at night.

If you have any questions about SIDS or safer sleep, please call our information line on 0808 802 6869 (lines open Monday-Friday 10am-2pm).

Watch our free presentations on how to sleep your baby safely and reduce the risk of SIDS

Things you can do

Always place your baby on their back to sleep

Keep your baby smoke free during pregnancy and after birth

Place your baby to sleep in a separate cot or Moses basket in the same room as you for the first 6 months

Breastfeed your baby

Use a firm, flat, waterproof mattress in good condition

Things to avoid

Never sleep on a sofa or in an armchair with your baby

Don't sleep in the same bed as your baby if you smoke, drink or take drugs or are extremely tired, if your baby was born prematurely or was of low birth-weight

Avoid letting your baby get too hot

Don't cover your baby's face or head while sleeping or use loose bedding

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Reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) for your baby by following our safer sleep advice. The advice is based on strong scientific evidence.

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Children Young People and Families Online Resource

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Fussy eating | Children Young People and Families Online Resource

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A lot of children don’t like tasting new and unfamiliar foods, and there can be many reasons for this. This is called food neophobia. It’s a part of normal development and many children go through this phase. It can start soon after the child’s first birthday and can continue until school age.

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Whether you’re ready to start introducing solid food to your baby or are thinking about what’s to come, let us help! Our guide will show you how and when.

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Cups are brilliant for tapping out rhythms, stacking and toppling games, or even a good old-fashioned pretend tea party.

13. A magazine

Looking for an easy way to make your baby laugh? Try ripping sheets of paper with them - for some reason, it seems to have a very high hit rate!

14. An egg box

Egg boxes are great hiding places for small toys and other objects. Try hiding something in the box, building tension by saying 'ready...steady...' and then naming the object when it's revealed - 'it's a spoon!'.

If your little one is a bit older, they can have a go at guessing what might be hidden away. Maybe you could give them a few clues?

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Sensory play with babies: 18 magical everyday objects for babies to play with

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Who needs toys when your baby finds all sorts of magic in the mundane? Try out our play ideas with these 18 everyday items you'll have at home.

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What Does Peekaboo Teach Babies? Science of Peekaboo

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Peek-a-boo teaches all of the preverbal skills that are so important to speech and language development. Your baby will learn to imitate, take turns and grow their understanding of language. Professor Ben Ambridge investigates how games like peek-a-boo can play an important part in children’s developing communication skills in our Speech Lab.

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Exploring nature with kids in springtime

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It comes as no surprise that most little ones love playing outdoors - but did you know just how good it is for them?

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The importance of play

Play is central to your child's learning and development. When your child plays, it gives them many different ways and times to learn.

Play also helps your child:

build confidence

feel loved, happy and safe

understand more about how the world works

develop social skills, language and communication

learn about caring for others and the environment

develop physical skills.

It's important for children to have plenty of different types of play experiences. This includes unstructured and structured play, indoor and outdoor play, solo and group play, craft and creative play, and so on. When children get variety, it's good for all aspects of their learning and development - physical, social, emotional and imaginative.

Different types of play: unstructured and structured

Unstructured, free play is unplanned play that just happens, depending on what takes your child's interest at the time.

Unstructured, free play is particularly important for younger children because it lets them use their imagination and move at their own pace.

Examples of unstructured play might be:

creative play alone or with others, including artistic or musical games

imaginative games - for example, making cubbyhouses with boxes or blankets, dressing up or playing make-believe

exploring new or favourite spaces like cupboards, backyards, parks, playgrounds and so on.

You can be part of your child's unstructured play. But sometimes all you'll need to do is point your child in the right direction - towards the jumble of dress-ups and toys on their floor, or to the table with crayons and paper. At other times, you might need to be a bit more active. For example, 'How about we play dress-ups? What do you want to be today?'

Structured play is organised and happens at a fixed time or in a set space. It's often led by a grown-up. Older children are more likely to enjoy and benefit from structured play.

Examples of structured play include:

outdoor ball games like kicking a soccer ball

water familiarisation classes for toddlers or swimming lessons for older children

storytelling groups for toddlers and preschoolers at the local library

dance, music or drama classes for children of all ages

family board or card games

modified sports for slightly older children, like Cricket Blast, Aussie Hoops basketball, NetSetGO netball, Come and Try Rugby and Auskick football.

Structured and unstructured play can happen indoors or outdoors. Outdoor play gives your child the chance to explore, be active, test physical limits - and get messy!

How play develops with children

As your child grows, their attention span and physical skills develop and the way they play will change. Your child will get more creative and experiment more with toys, games and ideas. This might mean they need more space and time to play.

Also, children move through different forms of play as they grow. This includes playing alone, playing alongside other children and playing interactively with other children.

Your child will love playing with you, but sometimes they might prefer to play alone. Your child might just want you to give them ideas and let them know how their play and games are going. And sometimes your child might want to play with other children - no grown-ups allowed!

Newborns and babies: play ideas to encourage development

Just looking at your face and hearing your voice is play for your baby, especially if you're smiling.

You might like to try the following play ideas and activities with your little one:

Music, songs or bells develop hearing and movement. You could try gentle tapping on your baby's tummy while you sing.

Peekaboo is great for your baby's social and emotional development.

Gentle tickles or objects with different textures develop the sense of touch. You and your baby could experiment with things like feathers, mud, metal or foam.

Objects of different sizes, colours and shapes can encourage your child to reach and grasp.

Sturdy furniture, balls, toys or boxes can get your child crawling, standing and walking.

Regular tummy time and floor play are very important for young babies. Tummy time encourages your baby to move and roll and helps them develop muscle strength and control. It also lets your baby see and experience the world from a different perspective. All you need is a playmat or blanket on the ground or floor.

Toddlers: play ideas to encourage development

Here are some ideas your toddler might enjoy:

Large and light things like cardboard boxes, buckets or blow-up balls can encourage your child to run, build, push or drag.

Chalk, rope, music or containers can encourage jumping, kicking, stomping, stepping and running.

Hoops, boxes, large rocks or pillows are good for climbing on, balancing, twisting, swaying or rolling.

Dress-up games with scarves, hats and so on are good for imagination and creativity.

Hills, tunnels or nooks can encourage physical activities like crawling, climbing and exploring.

If you put on some favourite music while your toddler plays, they can also try out different sounds and rhythms. You might also like to sing, dance and clap along to music with your child.

Preschoolers: play ideas to encourage development

Here are some ideas to get your preschooler's mind and body going:

Old milk containers, wooden spoons, empty pot plant containers, sticks, scrunched-up paper, plastic buckets, saucepans and old clothes are great for imaginative, unstructured play.

Simple jigsaw puzzles and matching games like animal dominoes can improve your child's memory and concentration.

Playdough and clay help your child develop fine motor skills.

Favourite music or pots and pans are great for dancing or making music.

Balls can encourage kicking, throwing or rolling.

When you're encouraging your child to kick or throw, see whether you can get them to use one side of their body and then the other.

School-age children: play ideas to encourage development

Your school-age child can have fun with the following objects and activities:

Furniture, linen, washing baskets, tents and boxes are great for building cubbyhouses.

Home-made obstacle courses can get your child moving in different ways, directions and speeds.

Games like 'I spy' are great for word play. They also develop literacy skills.

Simple cooking and food preparation activities are great for developing science, numeracy, literacy and everyday skills.

Your child's own imagination can turn your child into a favourite superhero or story character.

If your child is interested, you could think about getting them into some sports or team activities for school-age children. Other possibilities include after-school or holiday art and craft activities.

Homemade toys and free activities can help children learn and develop. They're often the most creative ways for you and your child to have fun together.

If your child doesn't want to play

There might be times when your child doesn't want to play. For example, they could be tired or bored by doing the same activity for too long. This is common and usually nothing to worry about.

But sometimes a lack of play - or a lack of interest in play - can be a sign of a developmental disorder.

Here's when to consider speaking with a health professional or your child's educator:

Your baby doesn't seem to get into interactive play like peekaboo.

Your toddler has an extremely narrow interest in toys or doesn't use toys in a functional way. For example, your child is interested only in spinning the wheels of a toy car instead of driving it around the room like other children the same age.

Your preschooler isn't interested in playing with other children or in playing pretend games.

Languages other than English

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Play is more than just fun for babies and children. It's how they learn and develop. Playing with your child is one of the most important things you can do. Article available in: Arabic, Dari, Dinka, Hakha Chin, Karen, Persian, Simplified Chinese, Swahili, Tamil, Vietnamese.

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Why is play so important for child development? In this video, experts explain that play gives children different sensory, physical and cognitive experiences. Experiences…

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Watch Me Play! is a simple way for parents or carers to support and enjoy being with their baby or child, aged from birth to around eight years old.

In this approach, parents or carers watch their baby or child playing and talk with them about their play for between five and twenty minutes, twice a week, or more often if possible.

Play is a very important part of children's lives.

As they play, children find out about the world around them and practice skills that will help them when they start school.
This short video shows how parents and carers can feel more confident and closer to their baby or child through play:
Download the Welcome to Watch Me Play! Video text here.

Download the Welcome to Watch Me Play! Video text in Bengali here.

Download the Welcome to Watch Me Play! Video text in Japanese here.

How children play changes with their age, but the same key ideas about play can be helpful with babies, toddlers and older children:

Key Points
Having one to one time with your baby or child Letting your baby or child make the choices in their play Talking with your baby or child about their play, Talking with another adult about your baby or child's play. Finding a quiet place and some simple toys for 5 to 20 minutes
You can find more information and free resources in this website.

Watch Me Play! guidance has been developed together with families and professionals in a range of services for children and families.

In some areas, trained Watch Me Play! practitioners in services for children and families and early years settings can support parents by joining them to watch and talk about their child's play. Sessions can be in the family home, in a children's centre, a clinic, or online. See the Links section for suggestions for finding services providing this kind of support in your local area.

Watch Me Play! resources may be downloaded for free and shared with family, friends and colleagues by individuals and non-profit organizations, as long as they are not modified in any way and are provided with no charge.

To see this website in Japanese, please go to
https://watchmeplay1.w.waseda.jp/

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Watch Me Play! is a simple way for parents or carers to support their baby or child, aged from birth to around 8 years old.

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Serve and return interactions with baby - how it helps baby brain development

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How responding to your baby’s sounds and waiting for responses back can teach them all about how conversations work at a young age.

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Who we are

In 1981 a small group of parents, who were experiencing problems with their crying and sleepless babies, set up a support group. They discovered how important support is and how reassuring it can be to talk to someone. Today that support group has become Cry-sis, the only UK charity offering help and support to parents with babies who cry excessively or have sleeping problems. From modest beginnings Cry-sis has become a well-respected national charity which:

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Support For Crying And Sleepless Babies | Cry-sis

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Cry-sis, the only UK charity offering help and support to parents with babies who cry excessively or have sleeping problems. Call the helpline now...

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Babies cry, you can cope When babies cry it can be stressful and overwhelming. Help is out there and all you need to do is ask. Latest news Testimonials

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"dance of the nappy" from "the connected baby" documentary

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Overview

Getting to Know Your Baby videos have been designed to help parents, caregivers, and health professionals to know how to support the development of a baby's emotional wellbeing. See categories for more videos:
To view all videos click here
Introduction & Why Bonding matters

The process of 'bonding' refers to the intense emotional connection that takes place between a mother and a baby.
To view this category click here
Bonding Before Birth

Babies' emotional health and wellbeing begin before they are born, especially in the last trimester of pregnancy.
To view this category click here
Baby States

Baby states are essentially key patterns of behaviour that are easy to recognise in new babies, and can help parents to both tune-in to their baby, and to understand his or her experiences. Once parents are able to recognise these patterns, it becomes much easier to identify what their baby's needs are. Introduce expectant parents to Baby States and encourage them to notice sleep/wake states with friends' babies. Helping parents to understand baby sleep/wake states is a good way of encouraging them to get to know their baby. AiMH UK has produced an information sheet for members; Where baby states research comes from and why it's useful.
To view this category click here
Early Interactions

These videos show that encouraging parents to carefully observe their baby's sleep/wake states and notice their cues will help them get to know how best to respond to their baby.
To view this category click here
Sleeping & Soothing

Observing baby sleep / wake states will help parents get to know their own baby's individual likes and dislikes. This will help them tune in to the particular ways that their baby likes to be soothed. This might be a particular cuddle, lullaby or just being held calmly in their parent's arms. Babies often show a preference for sucking their fingers or thumb or attach to a comfort object such as a cloth or toy.
To view this category click here

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Getting to Know Your Baby videos have been designed to help parents, caregivers, and health professionals to know how to support the development of a baby's emotional wellbeing. See categories for more videos: To view all videos click here The process of 'bonding' refers to the intense emotional connection that takes place between a mother and a baby.

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Tips and Advice for Emotionally Preparing for a Baby Article posted by Bright Horizons on July 15, 2020

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Tips and Advice for Emotionally Preparing for a Baby

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Having a baby is one of the biggest life changes that you’ll experience. These tips should help prepare you for parenthood and deal with new baby stress.

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Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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Serve and Return - Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

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Learn how these interactions form a critical part of a child's environment of relationships and impact development and lifelong health.

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Ages zero to three are the most important for lifelong mental health and well-being.

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Babies & Infants Under Five | Parents Guide To Support

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Read our information and advice on supporting the mental health of your baby or child under five years old, and find out where to get professional help.

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This short booklet aims to support parents to think about ways to promote good infant mental health.

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Solihull Approach | Parenting - We're all about emotional health and wellbeing!

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Book Click here to book Solihull Approach training or event. An exciting, well-established model that really works! Welcome to the SOLIHULLAPPROACH Are you a parent? Go to inourplace to discover our range of online courses. Go to inourplace We’re all about emotional health and wellbeing! Across the UK and internationally, the Solihull Approach supports mental

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Anyone who deals with infants and young children will want to read ‘The Wonder Weeks.’ ‘The Wonder Weeks’ book will open parents’ eyes to aspects of their

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Blackpool Better Start - Raising happy, healthy children together in Blackpool, Lancashire

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Blackpool Better Start Supporting and empowering families in Blackpool to have the best outcomes for their babies and children, from pregnancy to starting school. Community Connectors are here for you Find your local Connector Activities and events for families in your area. Find out what's on

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What every baby would want their parent to know

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What every baby would want their parent to know

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Tiny Happy People is here to help you develop your child's language skills. Explore our simple activities and play ideas and find out about babies and toddlers' amazing early development.

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Children’s language development and parenting advice - BBC Tiny Happy People

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A chatty child is a happy child, so Tiny Happy People is here to help you develop your child’s communication skills through simple interaction and play.

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How Every Child Can Thrive by Five | Molly Wright | TED

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The Queer Parenting partnership, revolutionising the birth world for queer parents! Antenatal and postnatal education. Workshops. Shop.

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We aim to help dads have successful relationships with their families, and to support dads with anxiety, stress and mental health issues.

We hope to get dads engaged with services that have traditionally been targeted at mums, and to train & support volunteer dads to work with us.

We work directly with services that support Dads, families and especially babies to increase engagement and knowledge across the sector.

We want to make sure dads know how important they are, how to access support when they need it and why it's essential for baby's development.

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VOLUNTEER WITH US EVENTS REGISTRATION FIND SUPPORT IN YOUR AREA DONATE HERE We aim to help dads have successful relationships with their families, and to support dads with anxiety, stress and mental health issues. We hope to get dads engaged with services that have traditionally been targeted at mums,

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Useful resources for new dads

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I was a bit scared when we found out we were having a baby, obviously happy, but a bit scared and in the beginning I was a bit clueless. The child development part is my favourite bit, but there's things in there, like things about mental health, that I didn't know about and that I didn't know you needed to know about.

Ross, 22

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DadPad | The Essential Guide for New Dads | Support Guide for New Dads

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Developed with the NHS, DadPad gives new dads and dads-to-be the knowledge and skills needed to gain confidence and give their baby the best start in life.

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Find out more here about who we are and how we work

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Professional request for involvement (parent/carer consent is required)

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Professional request for involvement (parent/carer consent is required)

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Please click the link to complete our professional request for involvement for (consent from parents/ carers is required)

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CAMHS Infant Mental Health Pathway – Professionals Request for Help | Livewell Southwest

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How do I request involvement? Parent/carer form

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How do I request involvement? Parent/carer form

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This link will take you to our web- form to complete in order to request involvement from our team.

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One of our rooms where we meet with families

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One of our rooms where we meet with families

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Our team is based at Tamar Folk Children's Centre/ Victoria Road Primary School in St Budeaux, Plymouth. We sometimes also meet with families at other children's centres or in people's homes, depending on needs and preferences.

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We seek to care for infant mental health by providing therapeutic support for the relationship between a parent/carer and young child, from conception to age five.

We accept self-referrals (request for involvement) via our website or any professional working with you and your baby/child can request our support for you, with your consent.

Once we receive the request, we will carefully consider whether there are other services in the city which may be useful for you to connect with and whether we can offer a consultation to you or the professionals involved in supporting you or offer you an initial meeting to come and speak to us in person about your concerns and hopes for support. From there, we will do our best to work out together what might feel most helpful to you and your baby/ child and agree a plan of care together.

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Office of the California Surgeon General

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Understanding ACEs with Dr. Nadine Burke Harris

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How can our past experiences impact our parenting?

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How can our past experiences impact our parenting?

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For parents Taking the first step and getting support can be life-changing for you and your family Watch the film Ideas, tools & resources that can support you Exploring our website might give you new ways to understand how things are for you now - and how to create the future you want for you [...]