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Emily...

Shut up

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I'm going to bed. You coming?

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We have a good time with our

clothes on

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Do you ever think about the

fact that your food sits in the dark?

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I was going to book a squash

court but apparently I can't

be bothered

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What do Pampers classify children between

13 and 24 years?

- Incontinent?

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Imagine if you actually had 558 horses...

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OMG, Dan you actually have breasts!

- So do you...

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Chopped tomatoes with her-BS?

- Herbs

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But your penis is like your best friend and

you wouldn't give your best friend head

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Example doesn't sound French , if he was he would be Examplé

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Then they have The One Show, where the nation's

shit amalgamates

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Is that samosa for Richard? That man is on a

one man mission to a heart attack

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Sorry Dan, I just peeled off some

of your 'G'

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It's like Ethan's but bigger

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If you don't have a baby by 37, you're going to

the clinic

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Every year 4,000 families get chickens

they believe are turkeys.

- Really?

No I just made that up

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We're in the possy! I've never been

in a possy

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I don't want big! I want round.

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Because we're around so many geeks every day

I forget people are normal.

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I don't get it. If the Devil punishes

bad people does that make him a

good person?

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Oh dear-balls

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Ever considered being a goth Richard?

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You gotta love ripping off drunk girls

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I'm actually for the raise in tuition fees

- Yeah get rid of the riff-raff

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Ooh, my sausage just snapped

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What date is it today?

- 13th

IPLU results come out tomorrow

-MY YOGHURTS GO OFF TOMORROW

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I think I might wear my shir*burp*t tonight

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What? My hands didn't venture anywhere!

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I said 'oh you f**king c**t' when

my bean rolled off my plate

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It's so cold my balls are retracting to

ovaries, the scrotum is basically a

vangina

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Don't make it rape!

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Shitballs

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I can't wait to go to town on some garlic

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Do you want to crumpet my toastie

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Do you want to see

my piano?

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Lol really that's really lol

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I HAVE SO MUCH FOOD

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If I shake my head really hard

I can feel my brain rattle

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Why would evolution ever think that was

a good idea?

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The only thing that gets him

up is S Club 7

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I thought it was hot on the way

in. RING OF FIRE!

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I could wingman the shit out

of you

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Would you go out with a girl who

couldn't cook or clean?

- What's the point?!

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I don't want to eat it anymore

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I'm not drunk! Ask me any question

you lik- THAT POSTER IS FALLING

DOWN.

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The only thing that gets him up

is S Club 7

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That's a palindrome, like the name Hannah

- Or banana...b

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If it's not done by midnight I'll sit on your face

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It would be 8 mins before we all died

if the sun exploded.

- Not if it was night time

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Andy and Richard

throw me funny

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(45mins into Bridezillas)

Is she getting married?!

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Is that a bald person who lives next door?

Nope it's someone's elbow

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We have a good time with our clothes on

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We will never have a threesome. You

have Claudia, I have Dave and Emily

has dignity

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Do you have any balls, Andy?

- No

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How much jelly is in this vodka?

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You two are like a double act. You (Rich) are the funny one,

and you (Emily) are the ugly one

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I thought I had a stain on my parachute pants,

then I realised that it's the logo

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You have a bit of bogey hanging out

of your nose, and I've been watching

it wobble

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Safe search just filters out all the

good stuff

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Tinie Tempah is not a man's name. It

should be Angry Rage

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Aw man, my phone is frozen.

- That's ironic, because it's really cold and the fridge is broken

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What's Emily doing?

- She's playing with herself

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Me and Andy froze Richard's poo in his chilli

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Would you be interested in having

sex with a serial killer

- Well I'd be nervous

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Did you hear about the girl who

didn't have any patience?

- No, what happened?

She died.

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I think a ditzy girl would be good. They wouldn't get ideas above their station

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I'm trailing somewhat after the Domestos disaster.

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No! No! No! No! No! No! My Fucking

Huge Ketchup Bottle is....

still there

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I don't do deadlines, then I can't disappoint myself

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Sorry man, still a bit sore. Think I should rest it today

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I am of neutral gender

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Thanks for the blowjob, but I have a girlfriend

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I'm just a posh little Essex boy

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I'm not really Jesus

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I'm like white noise, you just have to learn to ignore me

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Get your hand out of my hole

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Give me all the crazy in one go and

I'll take the bullet. This is just like

being shot repeatedly.

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Maybe it's been hanging out of your

trousers all day

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You have a teabag in here.

- That's not oregano, is it.

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God, imagine if that happened. If we actually killed Richard

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Question... Do you seek out Toms?

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I'm a bit worried about my package, I'm

not sure how it's going to come

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If you get stabbed in the kidney, it's

so painful you can't scream

- Yeah it's like being winded

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What is that sensual gyration

coming from behind?

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I'm out of milk! I know I'll milk Jess

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You going have time to sort your hair,

before we go out?

- F**k!

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I've got more quotes on the

quote wall than you

- F**k you

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I'm going to keep my hips still from now on

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I can't get them out, Rich. I'm

scared. I don't want them to

pop in me

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Seriously guys, smell my

retard tube

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Why don't they just have a wank?

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No! They have enough on their

plates with rapists and stuff

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I may as well honour the chicken's death

by eating its breasts

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Ironing in front of the football is like

man-points minus man-points.

- Are you saying ironing is a woman's

job?

- See you later,Rich.

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Do bees really go into ears

for the wax?

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You can't beat a police officer to death with a dildo!

- He's going to beat you to death with a baton. It's

a dog eat dog world

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You can't really hug a nun,

they don't want to be touched.

- You can give it a damn good

try though

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I've never licked my

nipple before