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why can't the world just end at 17

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sorry shanelle di ko natupad yung sinabi kong dapat di mo maranasan yung mga naranasan ko

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sorry shanelle di ko natupad yung sinabi kong dapat di mo maranasan yung mga naranasan ko

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Kung papipiliin ako ng magulang, di ko kayo pipiliin

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Kung papipiliin ako ng magulang, di ko kayo pipiliin

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Bakit parang privilege para samin na inaalagan niyo kami at tinutustusan? Eh responsibilidad niyo yon??? GINUSTO BA NAMING MABUHAY?! KAYO ANG MAY GUSTO NG ANAK, BAT NAGREREKLAMO KAYO SAMIN NA PARANG KASALANAN NAMIN LAHAT???? ANG HIRAP MABUHAY NG MASAYA AT NORMAL SA PAMILYA NA TOH. Inggit na inggit ako sa ibang pamilya na masaya, yung mahal nila yung isa't isa. Inggit na inggit ako sa mga pamilya na kayang magkaron ng healthy relationship sa kabila ng probleme nila. Tonight, sinunog ng nanay ko yung mga assignments na PINAGHIRAPAN, PINAGPAGURAN, PINAGPUYATAN ng kapatid ko. PAGOD NADIN KAMI!!! awang awa ako sa kapatid ko. Sana di ka nalang kasi lumandi kesa binubuhos mo samin yung galit mo. SANA NAKUNTENTO KA NALANG SA BUHAY MO DITO. DESERVE MO LAHAT KAYA DI KA UMUUNLAD DAHIL SA UGALI MO. SANA DI MO NALANG KAMI BINUHAY KUNG PAPAHIRAPAN MO LANG KAMI BUONG BUHAY NAMIN.

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life's a problem that I can't solve, makes me want to just get rid of it........

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tanginang buhay toh

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I'd rather just be friends with her and love her secretly than completely losing her.

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It's suffocating here. Gusto ko lang naman may makaintindi sakin pero bat parang ang hirap. Gusto ko nang sabihin kila mama na nagkakaugusto ako sa babae pero di ko magawa kase alam kong hindi niya ko tatanggapin. I feel like walang chance na maintindihan niya ko. I feel like pag nalaman niya mababawasan yung pagmamahal niya saken. Like everytime na nagkakamali ako nababawasan lagi yung pagmamahal niya saken. Kaya baka kapag nalaman niya baka sukuan na niya ako. Baka itakwil niya ko. Nakakalabas naman ako ng bahay pero feeling ko nakakulong ako. Hindi ako makahinga kase sinasakal ako ng sikreto ng pagkatao ko. Gusto kong huminga pero di ko magawa kase feeling ko wala namang nakakaintindi sa akin. I try so hard to understand others as much as I want them to understand me. I need someone to talk to pero bawal kase paulit ulit na sinasabi saken ng nanay ko na hindi dapat ako magshare sa iba kase they will end up laughing at me. Kaya ang ending nilulunok ko nalang lahat. Tinatago ko para walang makaalam kase walang makakaintindi sakin kundi sarili ko lang. someone save me....

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I found out that I have ovarian cyst today. So this is how I get punished huh. Why can't I just be dead. At this point, I should just die already. Everything comes back to me badly everytime I chose myself. Everytime I try to do things that make me happy, I become miserable after. Why? Perhaps, the universe doesn't want me to be happy. And it always looks like it's my fucking fault na maghanap ng hihingahan. Like kasalanan ko pa na nasasakal ako sa buhay ko ngayon. I know na wala ako sa lugar para magreklamo pero kapag iniisip ko, ganto nalang ba ko habang buhay? Umiiyak ng patago bago matulog, gigising na parang wala akong hinanakit sa buhay. Susunod nalang sa sistema na hindi naman ako masaya. I just feel like I'm not living anymore. I feel like I'm just barely surviving life everyday. I feel numb already. And I just wonder, when will I be able to see the world in a different perspective. Nakakapagod na, paulit ulit nalang.

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I miss you. I miss you like crazy. I've been craving for your scent. I'm hungry for your presence. It has been 3 years. Ironic but you are so close yet so far from me. Sobrang lapit mo saken pero di kita magawang lapitan. Funny cause everytime na lalabas ako ng bahay I would always be nervous knowing na anytime pwede kitang makita or masalubong. Gustong gusto kitang makita pero di ko alam kung anong sasabihin or gagawin ko if ever that happens. Signs and signals are everywhere which I chose to ignore cause I'm too afraid. My mind tells me to go and make a move kase walang mangyayare kung maghihintay lang ako pero my heart stops me kase what if masaktan ako. What if you don't like me the same way and change the way you look at me. Natatakot ako na baka mawala lahat ng iniingatan ko between us. Ayokong umamin kase baka lumala pa, ngayon ngang ang lapit mo lang hanggang titig parin ako pano pa pag nawala ka na. That's something I can't afford. I don't want to lose you even if I don't have you.

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'We were love drunk, waiting on a miracle
Tryna find ourselves in the winter snow
So alone in love like the world had disappeared
Oh, I won't be silent and I won't let go
I will hold on tighter 'til the afterglow
And we'll burn so bright 'til the darkness softly clears

Oh, I will hold on to the afterglow'

- When you find the comfort that you've been longing for from a song. Not from anywhere, not from anyone.

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Here I am again, writing my thoughts. This is the least I can do to breath. Why can't death just take me? I'm tired. I'm tired of living everyday without actually feeling that I'm alive. I'm tired of wishing for my life to be different. I'm tired of being suicidal but too afraid to die. I'm tired of fantasizing about running away. I'm tired of watching movies and series instead of doing my school works everyday just to escape my reality. I just want to overcome everything quickly. But looking ahead to my future, I'm scared. I'm scared to continue. Will I be able to achieve my dreams without dying. Will I be able to stop the bleeding of the scars. Can I really make it?

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It's been a long time since I last wrote something here. Now I'm 15, wondering if I still want to turn 16. Having suicidal thoughts is finally normal for me. Lots of problems are being thrown at me right now. it's like I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety and pain. Here I am in front of this laptop, trying to find something that could save me. or atleast make me breath. it's suffocating here. I hate it here. I just wanna die

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saw a tiktok vid yesterday saying to live your life doing what you want or love. cause you don't wanna die and be like 'wow i did
nothing' but be like 'wow that was a good life'. thinking about it, it's really crazy how i'm realizing things like this at an early age. but to be honest, i don't like how i am just surviving each day that i'm living. maybe because of the pandemic, or my strict parents. i don't really know. i just don't want to live like this anymore. i want to explore. i want to do exciting things. i want to have someone to talk to about these kind of stuff. i want to live a life that i will remember. i want to do things that i won't regret doing again in my next life.

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had a fight with my so called father last night. i really don't know what to say. I really hate, despise him. If ever he's here I would punch him hard on his face. He's arrogance and stupidity is infuriating. I want him out of my life. I want to forget his existence and live without him. I want him to leave us then I'll show him what he lost. I want to make him regret everything. But what can I do? I'm just a kid.

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Ｉ　ｂａｄｌｙ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｌｅａｒ

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Ｉ　ｂａｄｌｙ　ｗａｎｔ　ｔｏ　ｌｅａｒｎ　Ｓｐａｎｉｓｈ

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you know how a certain song only last for a short time. you listen to it, feel it, enjoy it, and when it ends you play it again..... and again...... and again till you don't find it good anymore. Till you get enough of it and you'll look for other songs that could somehow replace the feelings you've felt while listening to that. But you can't cause you know damn much that nothing could replace the perfectly strange feelings you experienced with that song. And even if you get bored, you know that some time, maybe later, tomorrow, or in the future, you'll go back ang listen to it again. Just like your memories.

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have you ever been inlove with someone or something that barely exists. Something that's in your imagination that feels so realistic and nostalgic. That whenever you think about it, it'll give you that soothing feeling, feeling of security and simplicity which makes you want to fall in love. But you don't know whom to do with. Sometimes I think I'm being too imaginative or delulu for love and care. Or my mind is just playing tricks on me. I really don't know, but whenever I think about it, I smile :)

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you know that feeling when you heard a song, and its not even the original one, then you'll feel like it was meant for you. Like the lyrics are specially for you even though you've never been in that situation. It kinda feels like at some point in my peculiar life, may it be the past one or the one in the parallel universe, that I've been there and it greatly affects me.