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The word empathy is used a lot, but what does it really mean? Empathy is a concerned response to another person's feelings. It involves thinking, feeling, and even a physical reaction that our bodies have to other people when we relate to how they feel. To have empathy, we have to notice and understand others' feelings, but that isn't enough. We also need to care about and value them. Con men and torturers are very good at taking others' perspectives, but they don't have empathy for them.

Building empathy

Children and teenagers naturally have the capacity for empathy, but that doesn't mean they develop it on their own. They learn how to notice, listen, and care by watching and listening to adults and peers, and they take cues from these people about why empathy is important. All school adults - teachers, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, administrators, and others - play a role in helping students develop and display empathy.

One role school adults can play is helping students expand their circle of concern. People are inclined to feel more empathy for those who are similar to them or in close proximity to them. But when it comes to building a school community and developing caring students, that's not enough. In strong school communities, students (and adults) have empathy for everyone - including those who are different in background, beliefs, or other ways. When educators show that they care about everyone in the school community and expect students to do the same, it can help students open their eyes and ears to others, including those who are sometimes treated as invisible.

Another important role is encouraging students to take the leap from having empathy to acting on it. Too often, we assume that young people will automatically know what to do when they feel concern for a peer or an adult, and then do it. But we all sometimes fall into the empathy-action gap, when we care about a person or cause but don't do anything to help. Educators can help young people overcome this gap by modeling and encouraging them to take action, whether it's standing up for someone who is teased, helping to solve a problem, or simply listening to someone who is feeling down.

Barriers to empathy

Even with this kind of encouragement, some things can get in the way of noticing others, feeling empathy, and acting on that empathy. These barriers include feeling different or distant from another person. They also include feeling overwhelmed or distressed by concern for another person, because that can make it hard to act.

To help prevent and overcome these and other barriers, educators can help students

Notice and reject stereotypes

Respect and value differences

Widen their circle of concern

Listen closely to peers and adults

Manage difficult feelings like sadness, anger, and frustration

Navigate social situations ethically and fairly

Five essential steps for schools

1. model empathy

When frustrated with students, pause and take a deep breath and try to see the situation from their perspective before responding.

When a student is upset, reflect back his feelings or the rationale for his behavior before redirecting the behavior.

Be aware of students' non-verbal cues and follow up on them. For example, if a student is slumping in her chair and appearing withdrawn or angry, say something like "I noticed that you are quieter than usual today. Is something bothering you?" rather than immediately reprimanding her.

Ask for students' input when appropriate and feasible (for example, when establishing classroom rules or generating ideas for group projects) - and really listen. Find opportunities to incorporate their feedback and respond to their needs.

2. Teach what empathy is and why it matters

Clearly explain that empathy means understanding and caring about another person's feelings and taking action to help. Explain how it improves the classroom and school community.

Stress the importance of noticing and having empathy for people beyond immediate friends, including those who are different or who are too often invisible.

Give examples of how to act on empathy, such as helping, showing kindness, or even simply listening.

3. Practice

Create opportunities to practice taking another's perspective and imagining what others are thinking. Play charades and do role plays, read and discuss books, and use "what would you do" style vignettes or case studies.

Name the barriers to empathy, like stereotypes, stress, or fears of social consequences for helping an unpopular peer. Share specific strategies to overcome them. For example, encourage students to privately offer kind and supportive words to a student who was bullied.

Foster emotional and social skills, like dealing with anger and frustration and solving conflicts. Use an evidence-based social and emotional learning (SEL) program and teach specific routines for calming down and resolving disputes. Use advisories and guidance counseling to develop social and ethical skills.

4. Set clear ethical expectations

Be clear that you expect students to care about one another and the entire school community. Don't just put it in the mission statement or on a poster - talk about it, model it, praise it, and hold students to it.

Do an exercise with students to help them reflect on who is inside and outside their circle. Discuss why and how they can expand the circle of who they care about.

Establish specific guidelines for unacceptable language and behaviors. Ban slurs or hurtful language like "that's retarded" or "he's so gay," even when said ironically or in jest - and step in if you hear them. Encourage students to think about why these words can be hurtful.

Enlist students in establishing rules and holding each other accountable.

Use restorative justice practices and peer mediation when conflicts arise.

5. Make school culture and climate a priority

Collect data from students and staff at least once a year about whether they feel safe, respected, and cared about at school.

Take time to examine the data and make efforts to address problem areas identified by students and staff.

Avoid over-emphasizing comparative evaluation, getting ahead by beating others, or other pressures that can erode trust and undermine empathy.

Authored by: Stephanie Jones, Rick Weissbourd, Suzanne Bouffard, Jennifer Kahn, and Trisha Ross Anderson of the Making Caring Common Project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. This resource is based on a research and program review supported by the Ashoka Empathy Initiative. Last reviewed October 2018.

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How to Build Empathy and Strengthen Your School Community - Making Caring Common

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To help educators learn how to build empathy among their school communities, the Making Caring Common Project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education reviewed existing research on empathy and the strategies of evidence-based programs that promote it. Our work shows that there's more to developin

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Teaching Is as Stressful as an ER. These Calming Strategies Can Help 

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Teaching Is as Stressful as an ER. These Calming Strategies Can Help 

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There is something going on in the back of the room. Two students are fighting over a piece of paper. The paper rips. Shouting begins. All of your students suddenly turn their attention to the back and you feel out of control. There's just five minutes left and you still have to cover one more important point in your lesson.

In this scenario, many teachers may have a similar response to Sandy, a teacher who faced this scenario during a workshop for a research project. "I would elevate to their level in an instant; just like that," she says. "I would become totally angry, unable to make a good thoughtful decision about how to react."

Now, consider some other types of responses that educators offer in these stressful moments.

Gabrielle "pulls her anger in and lets the emotional elevator go down." Kasey "stops, grounds herself, and lets out deep breaths." And Nadia "takes a step back, calms herself, and re-approaches the situation with a thoughtful response rather than an immediate reaction." Through their composed approaches, these teachers help maintain a supportive learning environment for our nation's students.

While these solutions seem simple in reflection, in the moment they can be a real challenge, especially if you work in a classroom environment, which researchers from Penn State say can be as stress-inducing as an emergency room. Teachers enter such an an environment every day, which sometimes feels like life-or-death. The teaching profession doesn't just begin and end during class time. It's increasingly defined by unrealistic expectations; extensive meetings and other instructional demands; and difficult conversations with principals, administrators and parents. While we must address the contextual issues that overburden our educators, we must also take the steps to build their resilience.

That is why, after a long career spent in education, I co-created the nonprofit program Cultivating Awareness and Resilience in Education (CARE) more than a decade ago, equipping Gabrielle, Sandy, Kasey, Nadia and a growing number of educators across the country with the expertise, resources and time to perfect those solutions.

When we think of effective professional development in America's schools, we often hear of the need for sustained training, subject and grade-specific materials, and opportunities for active learning. While these are all essential, missing from this picture are the activities and strategies that our teachers need to effectively address those highly stressful moments.

They need dedicated spaces to practice the art of listening with fellow teachers-and pick up the tools to navigate those discussions. They need time after the school day to learn how to make the most of mindfulness in response to any number of stressors. And they need safe spaces in which they recognize and confront those issues alongside facilitators and peers.

I knew we needed to expand the scope of professional development so that educators can further develop their self-awareness, compassion, reflection and self-presence. These are the inner resources they need to help all students flourish socially, emotionally and academically- especially as more and more of our nation's young people are exposed to traumas.

In fact, half of the students in schools across America have experienced some form of trauma, violence or chronic stress. They face food and financial insecurity, precipitated by economic inequality. They are exposed to parents or guardians' substance abuse and behavioral health issues, sometimes linked to the opioid crisis that too many of our communities grapple with. And, increasingly, they are left without a stable home.

In the face of these challenges, it falls increasingly to our educators to provide the supports that our young people need. And for teachers to assume this responsibility, they need to not only be regulated, calm, and grounded, but also learn to be powerfully present and emotionally responsive in their classrooms.

Educators who work with CARE engage in mindfulness training, emotional skill-building exercises and listening activities that prepare them to serve their students. They practice listening to one another about their experiences with parents and students. They engage in role-plays involving classic stressors: a student who lashes out, a difficult parent or yet another impossible timeline to meet. Through these activities, they learn to bring mindful awareness to their classroom interactions so they can respond, rather than react in the moment.

And the research backs this type of work, most recently through a large-scale, randomized study of CARE's impact across 36 high-poverty schools in New York City, involving 224 educators (and, in turn, over 5,000 students). After collecting data on those educators' well-being, observations of classrooms and student behavioral reports over the course of a year, we found that teachers who received emotional regulation training were more emotionally supportive, demonstrated greater sensitivity to student needs, and provided more positive and productive classroom environments. Furthermore, when assessing teachers' stress levels, those teachers noted considerably less distress, and an improved ability to manage their emotions.

Perhaps as significantly, the students in participating classrooms became more engaged in learning. And those with poor social skills even demonstrated considerable gains in motivation and reading.

We can now say that when our educators have opportunities across the school year to practice the arts of mindfulness, listening and emotional management, they can better navigate any number of stressors they face in a given day.

And I say this from personal experience. In teaching classroom management for 15 years, one observation stands above all others: educators don't perform well when they are frustrated or anxious. They over-appraise students' outbursts or issues in the classroom as intentional and personal, ultimately just fueling problematic situations.

Meanwhile, after practicing mindfulness for more than 20 years, I saw the benefits of the alternative. In the face of stressful situations, I instead used techniques like deep breathing and mindful walking to calm my body and mind, gaining that heightened self-awareness to thoughtfully respond to the issue at hand. While we may not be able to change the fact that teaching is as stressful as emergency surgery, these techniques can make the job far more manageable.

Just imagine if educators had the resources to calmly appraise difficult situations, empathize with their students' plights, and constructively work together to develop solutions that addressed those challenges.

The difference: less stressed teachers, more engaged students and classroom environments that effectively support the millions of students in America exposed to trauma.

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Teaching Is as Stressful as an ER. These Calming Strategies Can Help. - EdSurge News

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There is something going on in the back of the room. Two students are fighting over a piece of paper. The paper rips. Shouting begins. All of your students suddenly turn their attention to the back and you feel out of control.

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Opinion | Students Learn From People They Love (Published 2019)

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Putting relationship quality at the center of education.

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Education Week - The Art of Coaching Teachers

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Often when I ask educators how they're feeling, the most common phrases I hear are, "I'm overwhelmed" and "I'm so stressed." I'm pretty certain you've experienced these, too, and so let's learn a little about what it means to be overwhelmed before we consider how to coach overwhelm.
What Is "Overwhelm"? Five Tips for Coaching Overwhelm
Tired, overwhelmed, and stressed aren't specific emotions like the kind you'll find in this resource. Rather, they cross emotion families. They signify an emotional state but not necessarily an emotion. Likewise, "tired," "stressed," "fine," and "OK" also reflect emotional states-they aren't emotions themselves. These words could indicate a positive emotion or could mask distress. Overwhelm most usually crosses unpleasant emotional families so a first step in coaching someone who is overwhelmed is to help them identify which emotions are a part of their overwhelm. Let's explore the strategies to coach someone who tells you they're overwhelmed.

Describe it: The first step toward responding to overwhelm-or any intense emotional experience-is to describe and name it. Ask your coachee to circle words on the Core Emotions resource that are a part of their overwhelm. This will help you gain insight into the emotion families that are a part of their experience. You can also ask your coachee, "If your overwhelm was a color, what would it be? What shades? What textures?"

Recall previous experiences: Asking someone to rate the intensity of an emotion-on a scale of 1-10-is also helpful. You can follow this question with one asking them to remember another time when their overwhelm was equally as intense, and then asking them to remember anything that helped to reduce the overwhelm. When you ask this, it's a way of actively engaging them to do something about the way they feel-and it can be empowering. In addition, you're helping them remember that intense feelings don't stay forever-that overwhelm comes and goes.

Overwhelm can feel like paralysis-there's just so much to do! Where to start? How to manage all the pressure and demands? Asking someone to connect to their internal resources and how they managed overwhelm in the past can help them jump-start their actions. This also allows you to be a facilitator of growth and not the director of it-your client has the resources and answers to solve their problems, and you just help them remember that.

Identify one tiny next step: Once they've reflected on previous experiences with overwhelm, you can help them identify one tiny next step that might relieve the overwhelm. Sometimes your coachee will be able to come up with this step by themselves, and sometimes you may need to offer some suggestions. What's really important is that the next step is small, manageable, and do-able. Your overwhelmed client may feel disempowered, and so that first next step needs to be one that helps the client reconnect with their own agency. Small bites, small steps.

Listen: Don't rush too fast to action steps, however. Make sure that as you help your coachee identify the soup of feelings that is their overwhelm, you validate whatever they're feeling. Hold space for them to talk through whatever is going on, listen really well, don't rush to trying to solve their problems, and communicate empathy. Often when we can just talk through whatever is going on and purge all of our fears, disappointments, and frustrations from our system, the overwhelm starts to dissipate.

Plan for Action: End the session with at least one next step. This could be any of the following:

- Get a good night's sleep

- Grade three of the 30 essays within the next two days

- Ask for a parent volunteer to help clean up the classroom

- Make a comprehensive to-do list
Always Remember ...
The key is to identify the first next step that might lead to reducing the actual tasks that need to get done. While overwhelm is an emotional state that often includes many feelings, it usually includes a sense of having too much to do-having more to do than the client feels he or she is capable of doing. That can bring up feelings of sadness, fear, frustration, and shame, and so while you can hold space for an expression of those emotions, you also need to help the client address the underlying immediate challenge-which is the amount they need to do. Sometimes it's appropriate for you to be directive, especially if you know your client well and know that they trust you, and you can see some clear next steps that could be helpful. For example, you might say something like, "I think you'd feel a bit better if you could tell your principal that you're really behind on finishing your unit plans and you're going to need an extra couple of days." Or, "I want to encourage you to reach out and ask your grade-level colleagues for help with this. Do you think you could write them an email today and ask for this help?" Sometimes it can help to even nudge them, right then and there, to take that first next step.

When coaching someone experiencing strong emotions, it's important to know the signs and indicators of depression and anxiety disorders. Emotions can turn into moods, and if moods hang around long enough, they may become depression or an anxiety disorder. People who feel overwhelmed a great deal may be experiencing depression, whereas those who are "stressed" a lot may be experiencing anxiety. This resource, AppD Depression_Anxiety.pdf, can be offered to your coachees or used to consider whether someone may need professional help.
This blog is part of a series called, "How to Coach the ____ Teacher." Check out How to Coach the Cranky Teacher, and let me know what you'd like me to write about!

When coaching any strong emotion, it's useful to remember that emotions can be guides to self-understanding. They are a normal part of being a human being, and strong emotions show up to get us to pay attention to what's going on. We can welcome strong emotions-in ourselves and in our coachees-and explore them to gain insight into ourselves and humans and educators.

* Image by Masimba Tinashe Madondo, downloaded from Pixabay.

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Often when I ask educators how they're feeling, the most common phrases I hear are, "I'm overwhelmed" and "I'm so stressed." I'm pretty certain you've experienced these, too, and so let's learn a little about what it means to be overwhelmed before we consider how to coach overwhelm. What Is "Overwhelm"?