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Post #8: Sexual Violence Being a  Man's Issue 

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Post #8: Sexual Violence Being a  Man's Issue 

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After Tuesday's class, we discussed that men are often sexual offenders. This also brought up conversations about manhood. Is there a link between the two?

Jackson Katz ties violence against women as a "man's issue." Also, he does connect that we all have to be aware in "calling out" this behavior.

Katz' TED Talk expresses that gender violence is an issue for men. When we think "feminist" most men automatically tune out. He even notes that the term "gender" nowadays is only referencing women. To be honest, he is right. Katz makes excellent points that even when we hear "race" we think African-American. The term sexual orientation is automatically assumed as a reference to "gay" or "lesbian". Do you think the dominant group that we initially think of is ignored? Katz also makes a great point in stating, "Heterosexuals have an orientation and men have a gender."

In sexual violence, the focus is on the woman which I agree with. At the same time, who committed the violent behavior? Let's not solely practice victim-blaming. More times than not, it's a male offender. What about him? Ask questions about the male. Katz explains that the root is that offensives need to be focused back to socialization. Do you agree? We focused a great deal in class that manhood isn't always a direct link to sexual abuse. Katz has a different viewpoint.

In all, men have the ability to help women. They can say the things that challenge power that women often can't. Sexism is the truth. There needs to be more courageous men standing with women and not against them.

Does this seem anti-male to you? This will also give a voice not only to women who are abused, but also males. Male victims are out there too. Speaking out would encourage help for both genders. Men are going to have to interrupt other men. Sexual violence is unacceptable. Katz mentions the bystanders approach. This is where no one is the perpetrator or victim. Rather, men and women alike, can help build a support system together. Be active leaders!

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Jackson Katz: Violence against women -- it’s a men’s issue | TED Talk

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Domestic violence and sexual abuse are often called “women’s issues.” But in this bold, blunt talk, Jackson Katz points out that these are intrinsically men’s issues -- and shows how these violent behaviors are tied to definitions of manhood. A clarion call for us all -- women and men -- to call out…

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After the past couple of weeks, homosexuality has been the main topic discussed in class. There is the common view that as Christians, we are taught to love one another no matter what. But, is there a line that needs to be drawn when accepting same-sex relationships?

The article below describes how Christians can disagree in a loving way. The author interviewed Andrew Marin, a heterosexual advocate for bridging these types of relationships. One of his main points is that love no longer fits the reality of yesterday. To explain, society is becoming more open to relationships such as same-sex and interracial. This doesn't mean there is something wrong. People are no longer scared of expressing who they love. From the church's perspective, this can sometimes be hard to swallow. Interestingly enough, research shows that Christians who have "come out" often continue to seek out their faith. Marin's data states that out of 86% LGBT individuals with a religious upbringing, 36% continue in their religious setting. I figured this number would be lower. Did you? More often than not, we hear about gay individuals being ex-communicated from their religious community. But why? This is their struggle, their sin. It is no greater than ours. We need to help someone with same-sex attraction to live a life for Christ. If they choose to practice such a lifestyle, then we should show absolute love and support. Christians often have the reputation of being hypocrites. Shouldn't we aim to diminish that stereotype? No matter what one's struggle is, we need to let it go and trust God to make our wrongs right.

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The modern debate over LGBT issues is like Moses' staff: it has the power to part the world into two disunited halves.

This became more apparent last week when Jen Hatmaker affirmed same-sex marriage and relationships in an interview in this forum. I did not anticipate the article would create such widespread conversation. After all, Jen is hardly the first Christian leader to make such comments. But I was surprised at the level of anger and frustration the article produce among those with differing opinions. (Perhaps we're all just amped up from the insanity of the impending election.)

RELATED: The politics of Jen Hatmaker: Trump, Black Lives Matter, gay marriage and more

For the past week, I've watched Christians play judge, jury, and executioner with Jen and with each other. Name-calling. Villianizing. Public statements. Calls for boycotts. All actions taken by Christians and directed at their spiritual siblings.

The whole affair has me wondering whether it is possible for either side to disagree about LGBT issues in a loving way. That is, without demonizing others as haters or heretics, Pharisees or apostates.
RELATED: How Christian women are making 'holy mischief' in the church
To explore this question, I decided to speak to my friend Andrew Marin, a straight man who works to build bridges between Christian communities and the LGBT community. He is also author of Us Versus Us: The Untold Story of Religion and the LGBT Community, a book that discusses this topic through the lens of the largest national scientific study ever done in the LGBT community regarding religion and sexual orientation.

Here, we discuss how to dialogue about these issues with love. But more importantly, I'd like to know what you think. So feel free to leave your opinion in the comments section below.

Some conservatives say that if same-sex marriage is wrong, then it is loving to declare that to LGBT persons for their own good. On the other hand, some liberals would say that if same-sex marriage is right, the loving thing means speaking up for the rights of LGBT persons. What say you?

Love must never be defined as "agreement." Love must be greater than contemporary society's binary outcome suggesting love is only experienced when one socially, politically, and religiously agrees with their other.

The research study behind Us Versus Us reports 93 percent of LGBT people define love in a religious context in more expansive ways than just agreement on the theology of sin and same-sex marriage. This runs in direct opposition to the cultural narrative that demands the LGBT community and broader church can only love, and lovingly engage each other, when all parties agree on those two matters.

I have gay Christian friends who say they love their same-sex partners. They say that their love for each other is what makes them want to wed. Is that love under your definition?

The point is that interpersonally, your friends love each other to the same extent of love as any heterosexual couple's feelings of love. As I try to remind more conservative religious factions, there is a difference between affirmation and validation. This conclusion is not about whether one agrees or disagrees with your friends; it is about functioning in the reality that love is not always defined as one might believe in their own mind. Until people from both ends of the theological spectrum begin to realize that "differences between convictions and reality" is not inherently bad, people will unnecessarily continue getting hurt.

Is it loving for conservative churches to welcome LGBT persons but refuse to let them join the church or serve? What does love look like at the church-level for conservatives?

The research data behind Us Versus Us found that out of the 86 percent of LGBT people raised in a religious community from birth to age 18, only 36 percent continue in their religious setting. From there, 12 percent of LGBT persons continue practicing in a theologically conservative setting, even after they come out and even if they are in a relationship with a person of the same sex. When asked why an LGBT person would stay in a theologically conservative faith community after coming out and dating someone, the significant responses are as follows:

1. It's what I believe (33 percent)

2. It's an expression of my faith (26 percent)

3. Familiarity (9 percent)

4. Connection to a community (7 percent)

A common response from this set of statistically significant responses came from Nate, a 22-year-old gay man from Indianapolis: "While there continues to be certain things I disagree with, disagreement would still be a part of any community I'm involved with. Including my own gay community. When faith is thrown in the mix even more!"

You talk about LGBT persons who have left the church, but they still love the church. How many LGBT people are open to returning to church, and why would they want to be a part of a community that has hurt them in the past?

Our data found that out of the 54 percent of LGBT persons who leave their religious community after the age of 18, an astounding 76 percent of them are open to returning-including almost one-third who are open to potentially returning to a theologically conservative faith community. When asked what would influence this group to return, their statistically significant responses are as follows:

1. To feel love in disagreement (12 percent)

2. Given space and time (9 percent)

3. If the religious community changed their theology to be more progressive (8 percent)

4. If the religious community did not attempt to change their sexual orientation (6 percent)

5. Authenticity in disagreement (5 percent)

6. Personal support from family and friends (4 percent)

You describe a pretty powerful love for the church among LGBT persons, claiming that many aren't concerned about a church's disagreement with them on what constitutes as "sin." How can this be?

One of our over 1,700 national participants was Sarah, a 21-year-old lesbian living in a small town in Wisconsin. Her answer to your question is the following:

I came out publicly when I was 17, and remember how horrible I felt leading up to the conversation I was going to have with my pastor, and ultimately my church. And because I live in a small town I knew I was coming out to my whole town at that point too. To my complete shock, the most memorable response I got actually came from my pastor. He said, ' We are going to learn to overcome hate together. We aren't going to hate each other. Then we're going to help our congregation learn to not hate either. ' I know he doesn't support gay marriage. But for him to say that and then be by my side these last few years...I couldn't have asked for anything more. I know this isn't everyone's experience, but as cheesy as it sounds, there has to be a God and miracles do happen.

You write about LGBT issues and faith, yet you refuse to publicly state where you stand on same-sex marriage. How can you be an advocate on an issue when you won't be forthcoming about your position on the matter? Is this this most loving approach on your part?

I get this question a lot, and I appreciate each time. Simply, I'm not an advocate. I'm a bridge builder. And there is a difference between the two. A few months ago I explored this rationale in more depth here.

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On LGBT issues, how can Christians disagree in a loving way? - Religion News Service

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The modern debate over LGBT issues is like Moses' staff: it has the power to part the world into two disunited halves. This became more apparent last week when Jen Hatmaker affirmed same-sex marriage and relationships in an interview in this forum. I did not anticipate the article would create such widespread conversation.

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After discussing communication between two sexual partners, the idea of a platonic relationship came to my mind. One of my best friends is female and we share everything with one another. We've been close for close to six years now. However, we met eight years ago.

Our relationship is platonic meaning that we are non-sexual. At the same time, we are intimate and affectionate towards one another. We both value physical touch, such as hugging, and are very close in the sense that there isn't a detail we do not share. Don't get me wrong, my best friend is gorgeous but I do not have sexual feelings towards her.

In the article, the author does a great job explaining what platonic is and isn't. One of the biggest takeaways for this type of relationship is that it can teach you about the opposite sex. Men and women offer support in different ways. Also, we can help the other person out when dating. It is also a great way to learn boundaries. Not only in this relationship, but also in future relationships such as with a spouse.

We value relationships especially those that are close. Placing importance on both of our same gender and the opposite. Different people bring different perspectives and experiences. Altogether, in any relationship, it is important to bring out the best in one another and share life experiences.

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Updated September 04, 2018

Source: flickr.com

You may have heard about a friendship that is "strictly platonic," but you may not have realized what that means. In this article, we will talk about the platonic friendship and how it can benefit you to have one.

What Is A Platonic Friendship?

The definition of the platonic relationship has evolved throughout history. Plato, the famous Greek philosopher, first came up with the term. He believed that a platonic friendship is one that brought out the best traits of people, and brought you closer to your god. It was love without the feeling of lust if you will.

In modern times, the definition is different. A platonic friendship is still one that brings out some great traits in people, but the definition consists of a heterosexual man and woman who are "just friends." This can apply to homosexual friends of the same sex as well, but it's commonly associated with the opposite sex due to the different ways men and women tend to express themselves.

In other words, it's just two people of the opposite sexes that are "just friends."

What A Platonic Friendship Isn't

There are a few misconceptions about platonic friendships, so let's clear them up.

A platonic friendship isn't friends with benefits. Friends with benefits is a friendship where the friends have sex, but they are not in a relationship. A platonic friendship is strictly non-sexual.

Platonic friendships are not unrequited love. Unrequited love is when one person in the friendship has feelings for the other, while the other may not be aware or not feel the same way. In a platonic friendship, neither person has feelings for each other. This makes platonic friendships rare in some ways. If you're attracted to the opposite sex, it is difficult not to have some feelings for your friend. However, there are some who don't, and this can make a platonic friendship a cherished thing to have.

The Benefits Of A Platonic Friendship
There are many good things about a platonic friendship, and here is a list of some reasons why you should consider a platonic friendship. Because They're A Friend
Source: pixabay.com

The first, and most obvious reason, why a platonic friendship can be great is because they're a friend. They're no different than any friend you have. You can share your feelings with your friend, go on adventures with them, have fun when you're bored, and do anything else a normal friend can.
It Gives You Communication Skills
If you lack friends or have trouble talking to the opposite sex, having a platonic friend can teach you some valuable communication skills. Some people may feel intimidated by talking to the opposite sex, but having a platonic friend can help you feel more comfortable with communication. Not just for the opposite sex, but for people in general.
It Can Teach You About The Opposite Sex
Let's face it: most men and women have different ways of communication and have different perspectives. If you can't seem to understand the opposite sex, having a close friend from the opposite sex may help you to see what's going on in their head. If you're dating someone, your platonic friend may be able to help understand where your partner is coming from when you two argue.

People are different, but many groups may share similar ways of thinking, and having a friend in that group can give you some insight as to how they behave and what you can expect.
You Can Meet Your Supportive Needs
A man and a woman can support each other in different ways. Again, everyone is different, but in general, men tend to be more solution focused, while women are more emotional. If a man is having a problem, a woman can be there to offer emotional support and give them comfort. If a woman is having a problem, the man may be blunt and tell them the solution, which is sometimes what they need. This isn't to say that women can't offer solutions and men can't be supportive, but instead, it's just a general rule.
They Can Call You Out On Your Bad Relationship Habits
Men and women can both have bad habits in their relationships that can be remedied with a discussion. For example, men may have problems communicating, and the relationship can end because of that. Meanwhile, a woman may have more problems with picking the types of men she likes. A platonic friendship can help you kick your habits.
You Can Be Wingpeople
If your friendship is strictly platonic, but you two want to be in a relationship, you can help cheer the other person on when finding a partner. For example, a woman can put in a good word to other women, while the man can help fend away any unwanted attention.

Source: pixabay.com
It Helps Build Trust For The Other Gender
If we've dated before, and have been burned by the opposite gender, then we may have some problems trusting everyone who is the opposite gender. It's unfair to generalize, but as humans, we tend to lump people in groups. Having a platonic friend is baby steps towards opening up your trust again. You may feel like you can be yourself around your friend and talk to them about anything, all while not fearing heartbreak. It can be the stepping stone you need for being on the dating scene.
It Teaches You About Boundaries
A platonic friendship has boundaries. You may be the best of friends, but you're not lovers or even friends with benefits, so you may not feel comfortable with certain things. Some platonic friends can be naked together in a non-sexual way, while others do want privacy. Setting clear boundaries, and never crossing them, is a sign of a great platonic relationship.
The Disadvantages
There are many great things about platonic friendships, but there can be disadvantages too. Let's go through them for the sake of fairness.
You Can Catch Feelings
Sometimes, the friendship truly lacks feelings. The two of you may be great friends, but when it comes to relationships, they're not your type. However, there's usually a case of at least one party having feelings. Sometimes, they have feelings from the get-go, never communicate them, and when the feelings overwhelm them, it can cause the friendship to fall apart if the other party doesn't feel the same way.

Other times, there may not have been any feelings from either side at first, but later on, down the road, someone develops feelings. This can make the friendship awkward, and you may need some space from your platonic friend to lose your emotions. When something like this happens, the best thing you can do is to take some space and date other people.

Be mindful of your feelings. If you find yourself fantasizing about your friend, always wanting to cross boundaries, or being flirty with them, perhaps you should pull yourself back from the friendship, or at least test the waters and see if they feel the same way.

There is no shame in having feelings for another adult; we are human, after all. With that said, falling in love with a so-called platonic friend can be hard.
Everyone Thinks You're Dating
Even if the two of you are not dating, you still have to deal with people who think you are or keep speculating. This can be irritating to always correct, and sometimes, people just don't believe you.
Jealousy May Occur
If the two of you have partners, you may be faced with jealousy by your partners. For many, it's hard to believe that two heterosexual people of the opposite sex can be just friends, but it can happen. Even if you try to convince the partner that nothing is wrong, they may not believe you and still be skeptical.

Source: pixabay.com

It's toxic to be around someone who doesn't trust you and is always jealous, but it's at least a little understandable to see how someone would be jealous. Our society has told us that men and women can't be just friends.
In Summary
All forms of friendship have their pros and cons, and a platonic friendship is no exception. You can learn a lot about the opposite sex with a platonic friendship, and also make a good friend along the way. The two of you can have a symbiotic relationship and help each other out when needed. However, be watchful for any unwanted feelings you may have.
Seek Help!
Managing your friends can be hard, and with a platonic friendship, you need to be mindful and make sure there aren't any feelings happening. To keep your friendship platonic, one way you can accomplish that is to talk to a therapist. A therapist can help you look at your feelings and see if there's more than just friendship lurking in your platonic relationship, and they can give you advice if you do catch feelings.

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What Is A Platonic Friendship & Why They're Good To Have

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Updated September 04, 2018 Source: flickr.com You may have heard about a friendship that is "strictly platonic," but you may not have realized what that means. In this article, we will talk about the platonic friendship and how it can benefit you to have one. The definition of the platonic relationship has evolved throughout history.

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I have found another great TED Talk. Emily Nagoski is a sex educator who is discussing myths about sex. She spends a great deal of time focusing on arousal non-concordance. This is best stated as the disconnection with the feeling of pleasure and the physical response.

Nagoski starts with the reward center of our brain. She mentions the liking, wanting, and learning of a stimulus. When there is a separateness between the three, this creates the theory of arousal non-concordance. She goes on to explain that genital blood flow is not always linked to pleasure or desire. Ever heard of the slang term "morning wood?" This is a perfect example that Nagoski describes as, "...nothing but a hassle."

In all, the main idea is that the couple tells each other what the want in a sexual sense. It not according to our genital's reactions. I found this TED Talk to be very informative and I encourage everyone to watch it.

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Emily Nagoski: The truth about unwanted arousal

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Sex educator Emily Nagoski breaks down one of the most dangerous myths about sex and introduces us to the science behind arousal nonconcordance: when there's a disconnect between physical response and the experience of pleasure and desire.

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In honor of Valentine's Day being this week, I found an article about self-love for those of us who are single. In this class, we place a high focus on our relationships with other people. At the same time, we also value understanding ourselves as well. So, this article that my friend found does just that.

I found the trend on social media this week to be "Galentine's Day" in which ladies went out for a group date night. I think this is awesome. There is nothing wrong with a "girl's night out" or "guy's night."

On the flip side, the author focuses on how to better "self-love." She mentions that there is never a problem with treating yourself and it shouldn't just be on a lovey dovey holiday. She provides items such as a weighted blanket and the ultimate napping pillow in the post. I like that she gives a comical blurb about each product and provides a link of where to buy it.

Instead of spending all of your paycheck trying to "win someone over" why not splurge on yourself? Do it for you with no regrets.

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If you're more likely to be celebrating Single's Awareness Day this February 14 than you are gushy, mushy, Valentine's Day, it's time to treat yo'self. Whether you choose to sit around in a face mask and eat chocolates or hibernate under a weighted blanket and sniff candles, we're here for you being your best and most single self. After all, the only person who can take care of your lonely ass is you. So, i n the interest of treating ourselves, we present a round-up of self-care splurges we're 100% in favor if you blowing your paycheck on. Sure, you could spend your money on the half-off Valentine's Day candy on February 15, or you could spend it on some self-care that will actually help you and make you not feel like garbage the next day. Totally your call, though!

A Weighted Blanket

A lot has been said recently about weighted blankets and their ability to curb anxiety. What better time to test that theory out than Valentine's Day when you're single and your mom just reminded you that she isn't getting any younger and why can't you just give her the grandkids she so desperately wants?? Anyway, the Comfitude weighted blanket comes in heavy to soul-crushing (in a good way, not the actual terms) and several trendy colors (see: 50 shades of grey). I hung out under one while writing this list and, let me tell you, I feel smothered in a cuddly, warm way.

A Good Body Scrub

If you're trying to scrub away the stench of failure Valentine's Day and couples sh*t, the Sheamoisture Manuka Honey & Mafura Oil Intensive Hydration Hand & Body Scrub is amazing. It replenishes necessary oils (and love) to your sad dry winter skin while exfoliating. Plus, it's made with certified organic and anti-inflammatory ingredients to help soothe your body. Praise be.
SheaMoisture Manuka Honey & Mafura Oil Intensive Hydration Hand & Body Scrub
Chocolate

I'm not even sorry. If you want to sit around and shove amazingly delicious artisan chocolate into your mouth come Valentine's Day, you do you. Luckily, you don't have to resort to trekking to your local Walgreens and buying yourself a big ugly red cardboard heart. Dandelion Chocolate, Dick Taylor Chocolate, Maverick Chocolate, French Broad Chocolate, Raaka, and Ritual Chocolate all create delicious, incredible, bean-to-bar chocolate that you can feel good about indulging in. They also all ship said goodies, so there's no excuse not to order some.
French Broad Chocolate Signature Collection
An Adult Candle

I know that perusing the $5 deals on the outer rims of Target is appealing, but in the interest of adulthood and treating yourself to something really nice, it's time to invest in a good candle. We love NEST Fragrances because they're clean, they smell like what they're supposed to smell like, and they're just expensive enough for me to feel fancy when I light one.
Amazon NEST Fragrances Votive Candle
Fancy New Clothes

You know when you find an online boutique and you're all, this sh*t gets me? That's me and Sezane. All of the clothes are beautiful, and although they can be a bit pricy, they come packaged in the cutest, prettiest, most amazing boxes complete with stickers and postcards and a little linen bag. I highly recommend any and all of the dresses; just be sure you get your measurements right, as those European sizes can be a bit tricky.
Sezane Vick Dress
A Pamper Box From Winston Flowers
Winston Flowers Spa Indulgence package
Drop major dollas on yourself because you f*cking deserve it. The Spa Indulgence box from Winston Flowers includes Formulary 55 bath bar in sweet pea and clover, paired with a rosehip and clay facial mask. There's also an exfoliating Sasawashi towel, plus a skin brightening citrus and lavender body polish and a smoothing monoi and jasmine body cream by Birchrose. But wait, there's more. They've also included Bee Raw's white peony tea and orange blossom honey which you can drink in the natural clay mug from Pigeon Toe Ceramics. It all comes in a gorgeous crate that's likely going to be reused as decor in your apartment (not mad about it). There's even an air plant for you to kill, and a hand-poured Winston Flowers soy candle.

A Comfy Pillow
Shop Betches Gangsta Napper Throw Pillow Images: Roberto Nickson / Unsplash; Comfitude; French Broad Chocolate; Amazon; Sezane; Winston Flowers; Shop Betches
Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content
I'm not going to ignore the need for throw pillows and general coziness when self-care is the topic. Seriously, upping your comfort game with cute pillows, blankets, and soft sh*t can do wonders for your mental state. The Betches Gangsta Napper pillow is honestly one of my favs, since it's super cute, super soft, and goes nicely with my decor.

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7 Self-Care Splurges For Valentine's Day

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If you're more likely to be celebrating Single's Awareness Day this February 14 than you are gushy, mushy, Valentine's Day, it's time to treat yo'self.

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LB Hannahs identifies as a genderqueer individual. She is a parent, along with her partner, to a little girl named Elliot. She expresses on any given day, she can be called "ma'am" and "sir." However, Hannahs isn't comfortable identifying as a man or women. She is most comfortable, feeling most authentic, being both a "ma'am" and "sir." She does express that she still can feel very uncomfortable in such situations.

Hannahs biggest point is that being a transgender parent has created higher vulnerabilities in her life. With a surrogate, Hannahs had nine months to decide if she wanted to be called "mama" or "dad." But, neither felt right to her. "Dad" felt the most right to her.

Hannahs outlines specific interactions, particularly when meeting other parents when she is called "mom". Should she take the easy right and ignore it? Or should she correct them? She explained how in either situation, one party will be uncomfortable. The most important philosophy she follows is to be completely authentic to herself. At the same time, she does put the safety of her own family first.

In all, Hannahs points out the discomfort a transgender person feels within their own body. She does not want to damage how Elliot may eventually look at her own female anatomy. Hannahs is continuing to become more comfortable in her own body by addressing the connection of femininity and masculinity and how it allows her to stay authentic.

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LB Hannahs candidly shares the experience of parenting as a genderqueer individual -- and what it can teach us about authenticity and advocacy. “Authenticity doesn’t mean ‘comfortable.’ It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life,” Hannahs says.

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In this TED talk, Alice Dreger, a historian wearing many hats, presents an interesting case. She explains how some individuals can be born as intersexed. For example, she mentions a 19-year-old male that was born with congenital adrenal hyperplasia. He had ovaries and a uterus but never knew it until he started to menstruate internally. Her talk is beyond interesting. It is quite timely since we are discussing the female anatomy this week. I had never heard of such medical curiosities. In the end, Alice even connected anatomy to our Founding Fathers. She mentions how the Constitution states, "all men are created equal." The key here is the "commonality of anatomy, not the difference."

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Alice Dreger works with people at the edge of anatomy, such as conjoined twins and intersexed people. In her observation, it's often a fuzzy line between male and female, among other anatomical distinctions. Which brings up a huge question: Why do we let our anatomy determine our fate?

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Post #1: If You Liked It Then You Should've...  

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Post #1: If You Liked It Then You Should've...  

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It is very interesting to me about how young Generation X (our parents) were typically married so young. Now at family gatherings, everyone asks if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If not, you become hounded with questions as to why not.

For millennials, we just do not see the rush in getting married or having kids. Mostly, we live as individuals longer than our parents. We say, "I'm still working on myself" or "I'm just not ready to date." Honestly, I think that is true. We want to make sure we have ourself figured out before opening up to someone else. Which isn't necessarily the best strategy, but that is how we think.

The article does a great job of explaining our mindset and even provides a relevant couple's story.

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Young adults not only marry and have children later than previous generations, they take more time to get to know each other before tying the knot.

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Credit Errol F. Richardson

The millennial generation's breezy approach to sexual intimacy helped give rise to apps like Tinder and made phrases like "hooking up" and "friends with benefits" part of the lexicon.

But when it comes to serious lifelong relationships, new research suggests, millennials proceed with caution.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies romance and a consultant to the dating site Match.com, has come up with the phrase "fast sex, slow love" to describe the juxtaposition of casual sexual liaisons and long-simmering committed relationships.

Young adults are not only marrying and having children later in life than previous generations, but taking more time to get to know each other before they tie the knot. Indeed, some spend the better part of a decade as friends or romantic partners before marrying, according to new research by eHarmony, another online dating site.

The eHarmony report on relationships found that American couples aged 25 to 34 knew each other for an average of six and a half years before marrying, compared with an average of five years for all other age groups.

The report was based on online interviews with 2,084 adults who were either married or in long-term relationships, and was conducted by Harris Interactive. The sample was demographically representative of the United States for age, gender and geographic region, though it was not nationally representative for other factors like income, so its findings are limited. But experts said the results accurately reflect the consistent trend toward later marriages documented by national census figures.

Julianne Simson, 24, and her boyfriend, Ian Donnelly, 25, are typical. They have been dating since they were in high school and have lived together in New York City since graduating from college, but are in no rush to get married.

Ms. Simson said she feels "too young" to be married. "I'm still figuring out so many things," she said. "I'll get married when my life is more in order."

She has a long to-do list to get through before then, starting with the couple paying down student loans and gaining more financial security. She'd like to travel and explore different careers, and is considering law school.

"Since marriage is a partnership, I'd like to know who I am and what I'm able to offer financially and how stable I am, before I'm committed legally to someone," Ms. Simson said. "My mom says I'm removing all the romance from the equation, but I know there's more to marriage than just love. If it's just love, I'm not sure it would work."

Sociologists, psychologists and other experts who study relationships say that this practical no-nonsense attitude toward marriage has become more the norm as women have piled into the work force in recent decades. During that time, the median age of marriage has risen to 29.5 for men and 27.4 for women in 2017, up from 23 for men and 20.8 for women in 1970.

Both men and women now tend to want to advance their careers before settling down. Many are carrying student debt and worry about the high cost of housing.

They often say they would like to be married before starting a family, but some express ambivalence about having children. Most important, experts say, they want a strong foundation for marriage so they can get it right - and avoid divorce.

"People are not postponing marriage because they care about marriage less, but because they care about marriage more," said Benjamin Karney, a professor of social psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles.

Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins, calls these "capstone marriages." "The capstone is the last brick you put in place to build an arch," Dr. Cherlin said. "Marriage used to be the first step into adulthood. Now it is often the last.

"For many couples, marriage is something you do when you have the whole rest of your personal life in order. Then you bring family and friends together to celebrate."

Just as childhood and adolescence are becoming more protracted in the modern era, so is courtship and the path to commitment, Dr. Fisher said.

"With this long pre-commitment stage, you have time to learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with other partners. So that by the time you walk down the aisle, you know what you've got, and you think you can keep what you've got," Dr. Fisher said.

Most singles still yearn for a serious romantic relationship, even if these relationships often have unorthodox beginnings, she said. Nearly 70 percent of singles surveyed by Match.com recently as part of its eighth annual report on singles in America said they wanted a serious relationship.

The report, released earlier this year, is based on the responses of over 5,000 people 18 and over living in the United States and was carried out by Research Now, a market research company, in collaboration with Dr. Fisher and Justin Garcia of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. As with eHarmony's report, its findings are limited because the sample was representative for certain characteristics, like gender, age, race and region, but not for others like income or education.

Participants said serious relationships started one of three ways: with a first date; a friendship; or a "friends with benefits" relationship, meaning a friendship with sex. But millennials were slightly more likely than other generations to have a friendship or a friends with benefits relationship evolve into a romance or a committed relationship.

Over half of millennials who said they had had a friends with benefits relationship said it evolved into a romantic relationship, compared with 41 percent of Gen Xers and 38 percent of baby boomers. And some 40 percent of millennials said a platonic friendship had evolved into a romantic relationship, with nearly one-third of the 40 percent saying the romantic attachment grew into a serious, committed relationship.

Alan Kawahara, 27, and Harsha Royyuru, 26, met in the fall of 2009 when they started Syracuse University's five-year architecture program and were thrown into the same intensive freshman design studio class that convened for four hours a day, three days a week.

They were soon part of the same close circle of friends, and though Ms. Royyuru recalls having "a pretty obvious crush on Alan right away," they started dating only in the spring of the following year.

After graduation, when Mr. Kawahara landed a job in Boston and Ms. Royyuru found one in Kansas City, they kept the relationship going by flying back and forth between the two cities every six weeks to see each other. After two years, they were finally able to relocate to Los Angeles together.

Ms. Royyuru said that while living apart was challenging, "it was amazing for our personal growth, and for our relationship. It helped us figure out who we are as individuals."

During a recent trip to London to mark their seventh anniversary together, Mr. Kawahara officially popped the question.

Now they're planning a wedding that will draw from both Ms. Royyuru's family's Indian traditions and Mr. Kawahara's Japanese-American traditions. But it will take a while, the two said.

"I've been telling my parents, '18 months minimum,' " Ms. Royyuru said. "They weren't thrilled about it, but I've always had an independent streak."

A version of this article appears in print on , on Page D4 of the New York edition with the headline: Millennials in No Rush to the Altar. Order Reprints | Today's Paper | Subscribe

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Put a Ring on It? Millennial Couples Are in No Hurry

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Young adults not only marry and have children later than previous generations, they take more time to get to know each other before tying the knot. The millennial generation's breezy approach to sexual intimacy helped give rise to apps like Tinder and made phrases like "hooking up" and "friends with benefits" part of the lexicon.