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Everybody wins - Shel Silverstein

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4 2 Poly MOOC 2014 Conflict and communication - YouTube

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4 2 Poly MOOC 2014 Conflict and communication - YouTube

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Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Polyamory: The Scheduling Conundrum

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Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: Polyamory: The Scheduling Conundrum

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If you're at all familiar with polyamory circles you already know the answer to this question. Well, at least you think you know the answer to this question. The answer is Google Calendar. That's what everyone will tell you. And it's a good answer, yet not necessarily a solution.

There's a couple of ways that I've seen this product used in the context of poly:

1. FIFS (First Come, First Served).

Consider a female in a polyamorous relationship who shares her calendar with her partners and sets up read/write access to her own Google Calendar. The first one to book her time wins! She simply observes the calendar and shows up where and when she's supposed to.

Under this model power shifts entirely to the participating partners. She's not in control of her time. Her time is for everyone to see. Yeah, sure, I suppose a guy could do this, too, but that's clearly not as interesting. I'm sorry, where were we?

2. Proxy Calendar.

Right, okay, so imagine setting up a middle-ground calendar used for event suggestions. Multiple partners have read/write access. They place suggestions on the proxy calendars. They're suggestions, ideas, possibilities. Items that become adopted and concrete get adopted into their individual calendars.

This is a collaborative model. Power is distributed between the partners. Each partner has control over their own schedule and their partners are blind to each other's actual commitments. They can negotiate engagements between them.

3. Shared Calendars.

No mess, no fuss. You see what I see, I see what you see, we submit things to do together. Events are immediately inserted into the target calendar.

And this is a trusting model. You trust me and I trust you. Power is lent to each partner with the ability to schedule each other as they please. Drawbacks: limited control over your own schedule; little or no negotiation; and if there's a third player, seems like it'd ultimate have to revert to a FIFS. Pity.

4. Calendar Invitations.

Calendars aren't shared to partners and invites are sent from one partner to another. Invites that are accepted are inserted into the partner's calendar.

Power is retained. This model provides the greatest degree of control - power stays with the individual; there's no visibility over each other's calendar; each party decides what events to accept or deny.

5. Hybrid.

Okay, sure - you could do one or all of these things at once. Also, Google has a great new feature for scheduling blocks of time for availability - it's a Lab Feature called Appointment Slots.

Communication, Participation, and Negotiation

Still, what if somebody in your circle isn't using Google Calendar at all. Good heavens, what if they habitually rely upon paper and pen?

What if you need to optimize your appointments: avoid appearing at two places at once; incurring an inconvenient drive across town between appointments; you wish to avoid being monopolized by a single partner? What if you have a school play for your kid?

And here's why Google Calendar's the right answer but a poor solution.

Google Calendar isn't a magic pill. We're not programs and we don't exist in a vacuum of other commitments and partners. Google Calendar is an exceptionally efficient tool that doesn't anticipate our inherent inefficiency as sloppy humans. Life happens.

Inevitably, it'll take artful negotiation to get what you want. At some point, you're going to have to talk it through.

How We Do It

1. Polyfulcrum (PF) is my primary partner. She and I sit down together in the same space, same time. Usually it's once every two or three weeks.

2. We pull up our Google Calendars. We use a Shared Calendar model between us.

3. I examine both of our calendars for a hole. I book a tentative placeholder for doing something with her, or, with one of my partners. She does the same.

4. I ask PF, "So, say: Monday August 27, 4:00pm to 11:45pm, this person ... what do you think?"

5. PF checks her schedule. She gives me a thumbs-up or thumbs down. I'll create an event labeled "Tentative" in my calendar.

6. PF does the same with me. Thumbs up or thumbs down.

7. One thing to note here is that I'm booking for all three of them. I book time with her as much as I book time with my two other partners.

8. Finally, we may look for synergy and conflicts. What could we combine, swap around, find something else more suitable. We might even try to set up tentative time with everyone - a community gathering. We verify kid and work commitments, or promises made to other partners; trip, travel, or sleeping over arrangements that'd work better for all involved. This is the artful negotiation piece I was mentioning.

Okay, a concrete slab of pre-negotiated availability in-hand, we then start the process of booking other partners.

1. One of my partners shared her calendar to me and I can verify her availability Johny-on-the-spot.

2. I open up the tentative calendar event and send her an invitation. If accepted, I change the language and strike "tentative" out of the event. If rejected, I remove the event and start over with PF.

3. My other partner doesn't use Google Calendar. Yup, bummer drag. Scheduling takes texting, emails, , phone calls, or conversation. Again, accepted events are no longer tentative and rejected events create new opportunities to start over with PF.

4. If necessary, counter offers are made and "tentative" calendar events are created again. This time, I get to go back to PF and verify if that'll work.

A couple of observations with this model that you may disagree with:

1. It's Trickle-Down Economics. Primaries set the agenda and secondaries take what's available. Hey, nobody promised a democracy. PF and I have such a level of entwinement that it takes a lot of advanced thinking on commitments. If we let the proverbial balls fall where they may, we'd create a chaotic muddle of our lives and - consequentially - the lives of our partners.

2. Secondaries ... Aren't There. Right. I think in a perfect world we'd all be in the same place, same time, doing this thing all at once, but that's pretty tough too coordinate.

3. It's Slow. Yeah, it takes time. It does offer a reasonable practice that sets up expectations. We avoid mistakes this way.

And a side-note or two on scheduling.

1. PF likes to have extra recuperating time after sleepovers and other events. I'll book her an extra hour after events to give her that extra connectivity time.

2. PF likes to see the calendar objects in my calendar reflect transit time, accurately reflecting when I'll be gone and when I'll be back.

Hey, it works for us. What do you think? How do you do things differently?
s1m0n

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If you're at all familiar with polyamory circles you already know the answer to this question. Well, at least you think you know the answer to this question. The answer is Google Calendar. That's what everyone will tell you. And it's a good answer, yet not necessarily a solution.

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Non-primary partners tell: How to treat us well | SoloPoly

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Non-primary partners tell: How to treat us well | SoloPoly

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SPECIAL NOTE: This blog post touches on one of many themes I'll be covering in my forthcoming crowdsourced book on unconventional intimate relationships: Off the Relationship Escalator. Please subscribe to updates about this project.
Recently a poly friend observed, "There are no secondary people. Be careful how you treat everyone in relationships."

...Fine, but how do you actually pull that off? Where's the list of what to do?

I decided to take on this challenge, with help from SoloPoly readers and many others in the poly/open community. Here's why:

There's a huge gray area between hookups and marriage-style life partnership (society's standard relationship escalator model). Our society lacks roadmaps for how to conduct ongoing relationships of varying depth/commitment in this space. When you're not just seeking casual sex, but you're also not seeking someone to live, share finances, and potentially raise a family with (a primary partner), it can be very hard to figure out how to honor your own needs and boundaries while respecting others.

(By the way, here's why I say "non-primary," not "secondary.")

This blind spot afflicts all types of intimate relationships, but it's especially troublesome for people who have more than one partner at a time. In society at large, multiple simultaneous relationships occur most commonly through cheating - a model which inherently sets up everyone involved to be treated badly. Fortunately, more and more people are choosing to have honest and ethical concurrent relationships ( polyamory or open relationships).

But these unconventional relationships don't exist in a vacuum. Since monogamous life partnership (or at least, serial monogamy) is the default societal goal (practically obligatory!), most people attempt to live that script first. Many are content with traditional monogamy - but as divorce, breakup, and infidelity statistics clearly show, traditional monogamy doesn't guarantee happiness, stability, fulfillment, or longevity. Even lifelong monogamous people often die alone.

Consequently, most people come to polyamory and open relationships by "opening up" an established primary (and formerly monogamous) relationship - or by getting involved with someone who's already in a poly or open primary couple.

...But there's a catch: Our society is set up to venerate and support primary relationships - while ignoring, trivializing, or vilifying non-primary relationships. According to society, non-primary relationships by definition are not supposed to be "serious." This creates inherent obstacles for any significant non-primary relationship; but especially for those where at least one partner is also part of a primary couple.

The result: too often non-primary partners end up not getting treated very respectfully or fairly in the long term. This usually does not spring from conscious neglect, disrespect, or malice. Rather, the people involved usually are inventing how to manage their non-primary relationship as they go along - typically with scant support, few positive models, and tons of ingrained baggage from standard social models of relationships that don't fit (indeed, that are designed to avoid) their very situation.

The problem, in a nutshell: There's an overwhelming social narrative which says that anything other than monogamous life partnership is wrong or invalid - which in turn casts the perspective of non-primary partners as less important. This discourages people from developing skills to nurture healthy long-term non-primary relationships - and also to end or transition these relationships honorably. It also makes it easy for people who have (or desire) a primary partner to unilaterally write their non-primary partners out of the script, or at least recast them as threats or minor characters, when uncomfortable issues arise. This is why, very often, non-primary partners get summarily axed or shafted when a pre-existing primary partner gets insecure, or when a non-primary partner decides they want a primary relationship (with you or someone else).

Yeah, that sucks. But that's just how social conditioning works, despite good intentions or deep feelings. Also, it sucks for everyone - even people in primary couples.

We need better models for how to conduct non-primary relationships - especially in the poly/open community. Because sadly, right now polyamory (or any approach to significant non-primary relationships) simply isn't a very safe place for non-primary partners; not in the long run.

That needs to change - and it can change, through the conscious attention, goodwill, and courage of non-primary partners and the people who love us.

Several non-primary partners responded to my recent call for tips on how they like to be treated in poly/open relationships. Here is the advice they offered, along with some tips from my own extensive experience as a non-primary partner.

If you are in a non-primary relationship - and especially if you also have a primary partner - these do's and don'ts might help you navigate these relationships in fair, responsible, considerate and mutually rewarding ways. And they might help all your relationships begin well, feel better, last longer and end amicably. Follow the links in the following list for more details.

Also, these tips work both ways! Any non-primary relationship involves (at least) two people - BOTH of whom are non-primary partners. Even if you have a primary partner, if you also have a non-primary partner then you're a non-primary partner, too. These guidelines would apply to both perspectives.
DO:

1. Honor time commitments and dates.

2. Listen to, validate, and be flexible toward your non-primary partner's needs and concerns.

3. Make your non-primary relationship a priority.

4. Offer reassurance and understanding.

5. Embrace your non-primary partner's world.

6. Keep your promises.

7. Support good metamour relations.

8. Invite non-primary partners into negotiations and decisions that affect them.

9. Clarify your boundaries and commitments BEFORE you begin a new relationship.

10. Fully disclose your constraints, agreements and boundaries.

11. Expect to be surprised by your own emotional reactions.

12. Trust what your non-primary partner says about their relationship goals.

13. Speak up about fairness toward non-primary partners.

14. Assume good intentions.

DON'T:

1. Don't bail at the first bump.

2. Don't violate agreements.

3. Don't conflate "fairness" with "equality."

4. Don't default to playing the go-between.

5. Don't foster competition or conflict among your partners.

6. Don't pretend the dynamic of your existing relationship(s) will not change.

7. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

(Got your own tips? Here's how you can contribute to this list, since it's a work in progress.)
DO these things if you intend to treat your non-primary partner well:

1. Honor time commitments and dates.

In non-primary relationships, time together is always limited and precious. Consequently, last-minute changes and cancelations often bother a non-primary partner more than they might a primary partner. Avoid suddenly canceling or postponing dates for non-emergency reasons, including if your primary partner is feeling anxious or is having a bad day. One reader observed: "Hearing 'my partner's date flaked so I now have to cancel/not have sex with you' is pretty goddamned shitty."

Also, take responsibility for spotting and helping to resolve schedule conflicts. One person suggested: "Give reminders of changes or conflicts; don't assume your non-primary partner recalls something mentioned in passing several weeks ago."

2. Listen to, validate, and be flexible toward your non-primary partner's needs and concerns.

Every human being has needs - including a need for respect, consideration, and being valued in intimate relationships. A few months ago, I asked a poly primary couple about how open they were to addressing or accommodating the needs of their non-primary partners. They responded that, being fairly new to polyamory, they hadn't yet had any partners who made "demands" on them, and that they "tend to shy away from people with too much drama in their life."

The problem is: Reflexively casting the basic human need for respect and consideration as a burdensome "demand" or "drama" is itself a guaranteed drama-generating strategy - and almost always a relationship killer.

When non-primary relationships progress beyond the purely casual level, it's a certainty that at some point a non-primary partner will have needs that would challenge a primary couple to stretch, be flexible, or give up a default "we always come first" stance. This is a good thing! Dealing compassionately with such situations, and working constructively with discomfort, furthers the development and fulfillment of everyone involved. It ends up strengthening all relationships in the network. It's what makes polyamory work better for everyone in the long run.

So: Listen to, validate, and try to honor your non-primary partner's (or metamour's) needs and concerns. At the very least, acknowledge and attempt to address them, even if you cannot address them fully. Be willing to be flexible; you always get what you give in relationships.

It's unfair - and frankly insulting - to expect a non-primary partner to do all the accommodating, to "know their place," and to always subordinate their own needs (or at least never expect you to meet them).

Similarly, ask about and honor your non-primary partner's preferences, constraints or boundaries. They get to set rules, too. These might include boundaries on texting/phoning your other partners for non-emergency reasons during dates, not always being the one whose date gets canceled in a schedule conflict, preferences for contact modes or frequency between dates, respecting their time spent alone or with others (including other partners), introducing or acknowledging them in public, etc.

3. Make your non-primary relationship a priority.

Non-primary partners understand that we won't always come first, but we need to see through your actions and choices that we do matter and that you're willing to sometimes put us first - or at least not automatically put us last, or throw us under the bus.

This includes standing up for your non-primary relationship as needed, including with your primary partner. It's reasonable for your non-primary partner to expect flexibility and consideration from you and your primary.

Additionally, celebrating anniversaries, sharing vacations, and creating traditions with non-primary partners can be good ways to recognize the significance of non-primary relationships. Also, being publicly out about your non-primary relationship can be a way to demonstrate that partner's significance to you.

Ask your non-primary partner which sorts of recognition or consideration they value, and try to honor that - or be honest if you can't.

4. Offer reassurance and understanding.

Since our relationships are at an inherent social disadvantage, non-primary partners can be keenly sensitive to indications that we might not be valued or given fair consideration. We're also socially conditioned to believe our own relationships are less valid or deserving of respect. As one person observed: "I still have a hard time with sometimes feeling like I'm getting the primary's leftovers."

Some non-primary partners may be reluctant to get deeply emotionally invested before a relationship has endured through time and challenges - especially if we've been treated shabbily in prior non-primary relationships.

Please don't take this wariness and insecurity personally - it's a reaction to the fallout from biased social norms. One person said: "Recognize the complexity of your relationships and offer the additional reassurances and gestures that need to come with it."

Another suggested: "Remember that the non-primary partners are real people with real feelings and treat them 30% better than you want to be treated to allow room for error."

5. Embrace your non-primary partner's world.

Non-primary partners have lives, friends, interests, careers, traditions, commitments, and families of their own. Theirs are as important as yours - even if they do not have a primary partner of their own.

Remember: Your non-primary partner is not just seeking to join your world; they're welcoming you into theirs as well. Don't expect them to do all the accommodating, and don't be a tourist in their life (acknowledging or participating only in the aspects that interest, comfort or please you). Take an active and ongoing interest in their whole world and become a part of it to the extent that they invite you. (For more on this, see SHG's guest post.)

6. Keep your promises.

Be circumspect about what you promise your non-primary partners, explicitly or implicitly - especially regarding future plans, holidays, social recognition, evolving relationship roles, etc.

When new relationship energy is running strong, possibilities seem boundless - but life rarely is. Demonstrate good judgment by not over-promising early in a relationship, and keep the promises you do make.

Also keep your promises to non-primary partners about how you will handle bumps and challenges in the relationship. For instance, if you're new to poly and you promise a non-primary partner that when inevitable difficulties arise you (and your primary/other partners, if any) will stick with the relationship and work through them collaboratively, don't renege on that promise once you start feeling insecure, uncomfortable, or threatened.

One person said: "Be realistic about how much time and emotional energy you have to offer. Don't reach out to a new partner in a way you can't follow through on."

7. Support good metamour relations.

If you have more than one partner (especially a primary partner), it's up to your partners to decide how, and how much, they want to relate to each other. You should not expect or require them to become friends or lovers.

That said, you can and should support their connection by introducing them (in person, if possible) and perhaps suggesting get-togethers or other opportunities for them to get to know each other as people, not roles. Also, making sure they know how to contact each other directly can be helpful and reassuring.

Reality check: Since you care for both/all of your partners, and they for you, then they probably have more in common than just you!

At the very least, don't obstruct or ignore your partners' direct communication and connection. Don't require them to only communicate through you, or with you present. (Such arrangements do exist through mutual consent, but they shouldn't be presumed.) Give them room to sort things out on their own and build mutual trust through experience. Don't panic when they have disagreements; trust that they can resolve them.

Also, one person noted: "Don't expect your non-primary partner to relate to (or put up with the same treatment from) your primary the way that you do."

8. Invite non-primary partners into negotiations and decisions that affect them.

This is a very touchy point for many primary couples since it involves surrendering a key aspect of couple privilege: the presumed power dynamic for who gets to make decisions about, or dictate the terms of, an existing relationship. Often couple who prefer the popular monogamish approach to relationships specifically don't want to give up this power - reinforcing the primary/secondary hierarchy is a big part of what they want from nonmonogamy.

Still, the vast majority of non-primary partners who contributed to this post indicated that they do indeed want (or even require) to be included in decisions that affect the conduct or continued existence of their relationship. Some prefer to have a voice or vote in some decisions, but defer to primary couple's judgment in others. A few prefer to not be involved in such decisions; they'd rather just roll with whatever the primary couple decides (or bail if that doesn't suit them).

The key seems to be: Ask your non-primary partner how they prefer to be involved in decisionmaking about that relationship. Invite them into the process up front (ideally well before significant emotional investment or conflicts happen), and honor their preference.

Conversely, if you have a agreement with your primary partner which codifies primary/secondary hierarchy in your relationships - such as veto power or that your primary relationship always gets top (or sole) priority - be very clear about this up front! If you're unsure whether this might be the price of entry to a relationship with you, be clear about that, too. Non-primary partners deserve to know the main potential risks as well as rewards of getting involved with you.

This is rarely pleasant news to give or receive. However, revealing this rule up front is far more respectful and less painful than discovering it during a hard, vulnerable moment - or implying that even though it exists, you would never really use it. (Fail-safes and kill switches always exist for a reason.)

One person suggested: "Even if the non-primary partner doesn't get a vote, keep them in the loop."

Also, if you've agreed to include non-primaries in direct negotiation, don't withdraw that right during a conflict because your primary partner feels insecure.

9. Clarify your boundaries and commitments BEFORE you begin a new relationship.

Don't just wing it with polyamory, expecting a new partner to be your crash test dummy.

If you have a primary partner, discuss what "poly" or "open" means to each of you; and also how you intend to handle your differences on this matter. This should happen before before seeking new partners - and check in about it again before starting any new relationship, or periodically. People change.

One person suggested: "The primary couple should be able to present a united front to new partners. They don't have to agree on everything, but they do have to agree to disagree and have guidelines in place to deal with their differences."

Another wrote: "Don't wait for a new partner to come along before hammering out what you and your primary are and aren't comfortable with."

And: "Trust me, it can really be a pain in the ass for everyone involved if you wait until your partner is seeing someone else to tell them that you weren't happy with the established rules."

Clarify your flexibility, too. One person noted: "Know before getting involved with any new lovers exactly which boundaries you have with your primary that are non-negotiable and which are more flexible. Be prepared for the possibility that some adjustments to your boundaries and renegotiations with your primary may be necessary."

10. Fully disclose your constraints, agreements and boundaries.

Volunteer up front (or at least when a relationship progresses beyond casual) all information that would help a non-primary partner understand how they might fit into your world, what they can reasonably expect from you, and what room your relationship might have to grow.

Aside from issues like fluid-bonded sex, whether you're able to have overnight dates, contraception or sexual health, or whether you've agreed to allow your primary partner veto power, this also includes clarifying how "out" you are willing/able to be about your non-primary relationship (and in which contexts), whether you expect your non-primary partner to be at all closeted or "discreet" about your relationship (which can be awkward to discuss), whether non-primary partners will have a voice in decisions that affect them, and whether your default assumption in conflicts is that your primary partner always gets top priority.

It's also important to explain why your relationship considerations or rules exist. Often there are multiple ways to achieve relationship goals, and intent can make all the difference in whether a given constraint is something a non-primary partner is or is not willing to accommodate, whether there might be other options, and whether that constraint might change over time. One reader observed: "Have a reasonable idea of what your primary relationship means to you, so that you can express the spirit of the boundaries and requests."

If you're uncertain what your emotional, sexual, hierarchical, logistical, or other constraints might be, say so up front - and disclose and address issues promptly as they emerge.

11. Expect to be surprised by your emotional reactions

Reader Chris Little Sun observed in a comment to this post: "Sometimes you don't know how you're going to respond to a situation until you're actually in it. Sometimes you think you're going to freak out about something but actually it's okay - and sometimes you think it won't be a big deal but when it's real you find yourself flipping out."

That's true: Some boundaries we discover only when we trip over them; other boundaries we think we see ahead prove to be mirages.

The first key to negotiating these bumps is to accept that they absolutely WILL happen. That's true for any relationship, but especially when you're trying to do relationships differently than you've done them before. Also, every person brings something new to the mix, which means there will always be unexpected issues unique to any relationship - even if you have lots of experience with non-primary or other nonstandard relationships.

When you are pleasantly surprised by your emotional reactions, share that informaton with others - and consider dropping or relaxing rules, boundaries, or restrictions that don't seem quite as important. And when you are unpleasantly surprised by your reactions, it's important to commit to working through it, rather than automatically bailing or pulling back.

As your relationships survive bumps (or crash on them), be sure to revisit and update your needs and boundaries - and communicate these revisions clearly to your current and prospective partners.

12. Trust what your non-primary partner says about their relationship goals.

Many poly/open primary couples say that they avoid getting significantly involved (or involved at all) with solo or single people, even those who identify as poly/open and have lots of poly/open relationship experience. These couples assume that, no matter what solo people claim, in their hearts they must really desire "equality" with the existing primary partner - or at least more commitment, time, or status than the couple is willing to offer.

Such thinking usually is an artifact of monogamous competitive presumptions which are rooted in scarcity models and automatic overvaluing of primary couplehood. Even if primary couples know of (or have experienced) some solo people eventually wanting something from a relationship that a primary couple cannot offer, there is a confirmation bias: if they assume everyone really does (or should) want a primary relationship, they'll notice such examples far more than examples to the contrary.

Really: not everyone wants a primary relationship! And even if a particular solo person does want a primary partner of their own someday, that doesn't mean they want to be your primary partner (or to "steal" your spouse, or become a co-spouse).

Also, choosing to only have non-primary relationships with people who already are in a primary relationship of their own will not necessarily protect you from someone eventually wanting more than you can give, or trying to usurp your role. Anyone at all - even a married person - is capable of such behavior.

Therefore: Don't assume that a new partner must secretly desire a primary or exclusive relationship with you, if they say they don't and if their behavior backs that up. (However, if their behavior seems at odds with their claims, that's a topic to discuss. Don't jump to conclusions about it.) Similarly, don't assume that your non-primary partner secretly resents or is competing with your primary or other partners (or vice-versa).

13. Speak up about fairness toward non-primary partners.

This is especially important if you're active in the poly/open community, in person or online - and whether you currently have a non-primary relationship or not.

A big reason why bad behavior toward non-primary partners persists is that often people in the poly/open communities buy into societal assumptions of primary couple privilege - explicitly or not.

As demonstrated by experience in the current struggle for marriage equality, as well as ongoing experience in the civil, women's, immigrant, economic justice, and LGBTQ rights movements, uneven playing fields start to level out when people who have power and privilege openly ally themselves with those who lack it. When it becomes uncool for people to speak or act in biased ways, that behavior decreases. Individual, everyday statements and walking the talk of fairness in your own relationships are what helps make this kind of shift happen.

Admittedly it's daunting to openly advocate for acceptance and recognition of non-monogamous relationships in society at large. (If you have the courage for that, kudos to you!) However it is very likely that individual poly/open people can significantly influence the norms within our own community simply by speaking up about fairness toward non-primary partners.

14. Assume good intentions.

Most of the time in poly/open relationships, everyone really is happy, does want to get along, and does care about the needs, feelings and welfare of others.

DON'T do these things if you intend to treat your non-primary partner well:

1. Don't bail at the first bump.

All relationships require effort, adaptation, and patience - especially when they don't conform to societal norms or goals. One person noted, "Some people think non-primary relationships shouldn't involve work. You get out of it what you put into it."

Also, a well respected leader in the poly community told me: "What's really radical about polyamory is not that you have multiple relationships, or that everyone involved knows about it - but that you don't automatically jettison new partners when there's trouble."

So commit (to yourself and to your partners) to try to work through bumps constructively and collaboratively - while keeping all relationships intact. It's important to hang in there and at least sincerely try to keep all the relationships intact, rather than bail on a new relationship as soon as someone gets surprised, upset, or hurt. This is how you learn how to adapt and grow in relationships - because your existing relationship will indeed change.

Similarly, commit up front that you (or your existing partners) won't respond to bumps by suddenly ending, curtailing or applying a bunch of new rules to limit the new relationship. Typically, such measures only create more problems. Give yourself and your partners some time to try to expand your comfort zones and collaboratively find solutions. Pulling back (or "pulling rank," such as through a veto) should be a last resort after exhausting other options.

Of course, if you know up front that you (and your current partners, if any) probably are unwilling or unable to deal with unpleasant surprises or navigate bumps - that's something new partners need to know up front, before anyone gets too invested in that relationship.

Everyone goes into relationships expecting that they are "worth the effort." It's unfair, demeaning, and even cruel to surprise partners by revealing only during a bump or crisis that you won't actually put forth effort to help a relationship succeed or survive, after all.

2. Don't violate agreements.

When you make agreements with non-primary partners, they are as important as those you might make with a primary partner. Lying to, cheating on, or otherwise dishonoring agreements with a non-primary partner is as reprehensible as with a spouse. So make agreements carefully, and revisit them as needed. Intimate relationships are a huge exception to the common trope: "It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission."

Also, don't ask, involve, or manipulate any partner into helping you violate agreements you have with other partners. Often this arises around people in a non-primary relationship wanting to have unprotected sex, or perform certain intimacies around which there are existing boundaries or agreements. Also, don't expect a non-primary partner to lie for you.

3. Don't conflate "fairness" with "equality."

Love was never one-size-fits-all. Non-primary partners understand that our relationship with you is not primary, and not on track to become primary someday - and the vast majority of us like it that way! That's what we want! We aren't seeking a primary relationship with you, and we understand that every relationship is unique. We also have our own lives, and often other partners.

Don't assume that we want (or should want) to be treated "equally" to your primary partner - and don't try to nudge us in that direction. The best way to treat us fairly is to ask us what we want and need, what matters to us, and try your best to honor that. Differences are natural, and okay. Indeed, embracing different ways of loving is a big part about what makes poly/open relationships wonderful.

4. Don't default to playing the go-between.

If one of your partners has issues with another partner, encourage them to communicate directly and constructively. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict (if any), but it's probably best to decline to try to solve issues that really are between your partners.

Of course, if all parties involved have explicitly agreed to indirect communication, and if you're willing to play the go-between in that case, that's fine. But don't presume or impose this approach in the moment, especially without prior agreement.

Also, it's usually not constructive carry messages or attempt to "represent" the perspective or requests of one partner to another.

In fact, no one should be a go-between (without their consent). Don't expect your primary partner to serve as a go-between for you and your non-primary partner; or for your non-primary partner to keep the peace between you and your primary. Relationships usually make poor duct tape for each other.

5. Don't foster competition or conflict among your partners.

Do not compare your partners. Don't feed their insecurities or allow their misconceptions or judgments about each other to go unchallenged. Don't say or imply that you want them to vie to "win" a "serious" relationship with you. (That approach makes for horrible reality TV, and it works even worse in real relationships.)

Also, since time is always a limited resource (especially so in non-primary relationships) it's easy for time to become a source of competition or conflict between partners. So avoid "rewarding" partners for making you feel good, or "punishing" them for having issues or needs of their own, by increasing or reducing the amount of time you spend together. This behavior sucks for any partner, but is likely to have a disproportionate impact on non-primary partners.

6. Don't pretend the dynamic of your existing relationship(s) will not change.

One person wrote: "No matter how you attempt to control (or wish to control) the feelings, behaviors, or attitudes of your partner, nor how you may attempt to limit their activities or time spent with a secondary or non-primary relationship, your relationship will never be the same. It cannot be stagnant anyway - but the fact that your partner is intimate with another will change the dynamic you previously had. This is not a bad thing. It should be expected, not avoided."

Earlier this year Cunning Minx wrote eloquently on this theme and also discussed it in Polyamory Weekly podcast episode 333.

Also, this point applies equally when someone in an existing non-primary relationship decides to begin a new relationship (primary or otherwise). All relationships exist in context; if you're willing and able to adapt and accommodate, it's likely that everyone will end up happier.

7. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.

One person observed that with multiple relationships, "It's easy to get sucked into problem-solving all of the time - when really focusing on having a good time and living it will make things feel better for everyone."

Or as one poly friend told me: "Do you love your non-primary partner? Do you treat them with respect? Do you have a great time together? If all of that is part of a healthy situation, why complicate it by thinking it should be the be-all-and-end-all of 'true love?' From time to time, relationships just are what they are. If you're happy, don't fuck it up by second guessing yourself if you don't love your non-primary partner the same way you love your primary." (Note: I'll be posting his full thoughts on this as a follow-up guest post, stay tuned.)

One final bit of perspective: Remember that if you have a non-primary partner, then that probably makes you a non-primary partner too! How do you want to be treated as a non-primary partner?
WANT TO HELP? This list is a work in progress!
If you have additional tips, or comments or suggestions for this list of tips, please comment below or e-mail me. Be sure to indicate whether you are a non-primary partner in a poly/open relationship, and whether you also have a primary partner of your own. All input is welcome, but the point of this list is to offer tips specifically based on the perspective and experience of non-primary partners - especially those who don't have a primary partner of their own.
Related guest post: 2 tips from SHG about treating non-primaries well.

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Non-primary partners tell: How to treat us well

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SPECIAL NOTE: This blog post touches on one of many themes I'll be covering in my forthcoming crowdsourced book on unconventional intimate relationships: Off the Relationship Escalator. Please subscribe to updates about this project. Recently a poly friend observed, "There are no secondary people. Be careful how you treat everyone in relationships."

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POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER? - kathylabriola.com

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POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER? - kathylabriola.com

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POLY LIVING STYLES: SHOULD WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER? - kathylabriola.com

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To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.

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Not liking your partner's other SOs. : polyamory

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Not liking your partner's other SOs. : polyamory

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News, views, and issues around polyamory, polyfidelity, poly people, and related issues.

Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.

You can visit the /r/Polyamory FAQ, but it's currently still a work in progress!

#reddit-poly on FreeNode. Point your IRC client at irc.freenode.net and type /join #reddit-poly

#polyamory on Snoonet. Use the webchat link above or point your IRC client at irc.snoonet.net and type /join #polyamory - this integrates with OrangeChat below.

Chat with us on OrangeChat - This works together with the #polyamory channel on Snoonet, but uses your Reddit account and username. If you're not familiar with IRC, this is the way to go!

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Not liking your partner's other SOs. * r/polyamory

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News, views, and issues around polyamory, polyfidelity, poly people, and related issues. Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. For more general ethical sluttiness, responsible non-monogamy, and related non-traditional relationship styles, check out /r/NonMonogamy Please read the full rules and descriptions of the rules here.

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PW 393: How to treat your metamour « Polyamory Weekly

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PW 393: How to treat your metamour « Polyamory Weekly

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How do you deal with your metamour when things aren't going well?
Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Download the mp3 directly

Introduction Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com
1:00 Announcements and Host Chat 3:30 From the Front
SisyphusUp gives the report from the front from Boston Metro Area Poly (read by LustyGuy)
6:00 Topic: How to Treat Your Metamour
A listener wrote in to ask how to treat your metamour in a series of very specific questions covering several areas of interpersonal communications. Fortunately, LustyGuy and I got answers!

1. Amount of interaction with your metamour. The only people who can answer how much metamour interaction is appropriate are you, your hubbie and your metamour. Some people like more interaction; some prefer none; some like minimal. Each one of you should state your needs and wants, why those needs/wants are important to you, and then just talk it through. (I tell a story in the ebook about how I really fucked this up one time!) Seriously, if your metamour wants more interaction with you and you're willing to give it, do it. If you want more interaction with him/her for your own health and happiness and she/he is willing to give it, do that.

2. How to manage conflict. Conflict management is best done with the person with whom you are having the conflict. If your partner isn't that person, it's best to go directly to the source. Be brave, bring up the issue, state how you feel and ask for help negotiating a solution.

3. Coping with increasing demands. I recommend weekly relationship check-ins (mentioned in the ebook) for y'all. Every week, meet with your sweetie and/or his lover and talk about how you feel about the relationship, bring up any new issues and catch up on old ones. The great thing about check-ins is that when things are fine, you get good positive reinforcement, and the check-in takes like 30 seconds. But it's also there for when someone is starting to get a twinge of unhappiness, so you can deal with it before it becomes a big deal.

4. The best way to foster respect is to give it. The more you appreciate and respect your partners, the easier it is for them to respect and appreciate you and your relationships. We are fond of giving verbal reinforcement on a daily basis. I often tell LustyGuy and L what I like and respect about their relationship, and they do the same for me. I know it sounds all hippie dippy, but I've had great success with telling a metamour what I like and respect about her and how I value her relationship with my partner.

5. Embracing give and take. It's very important to know what YOU need in order to be happy and healthy in the relationship, and you should tell your partner and your metamour that. What do you need to be happy and healthy? If you have that, great. If not, it's time to sit down and talk with your partner(s) about how to get it. And remember, it's always OK to say "no."

6. Dealing with a nasty metamour. I think this is covered in #1, 2 and 4, but it's really important that you talk with your metamour about how you respect her and that you want the same type of respect. Remember that entering an existing couple can be terrifying, knowing that you can be dumped at the drop of a hat if your metamour suddenly decides you're a threat. If there is nastiness, set up a time and a safe space to talk about how you want to interact and treat each other, and how you two can help support each other's relationships.

7. Responsibilities. Everyone is responsible for owning his/her own shit. You get to own your joys and your failings, and it's everyone else's job to own theirs. If there is conflict, everyone involved needs to own their part of it, listen to what the others have to say, and say what he/she can do differently next time. It's no one's job to moderate a conflict between any two others; the people in conflict are the ones who work that out and report back. Just as you shouldn't be moderating conflicts between your partner and metamour, he shouldn't be moderating conflicts between you and your metamour.

31:20 Feedback on "they"
A big thank you to everyone who wrote in and asked why I didn't want to use "they" to refer to a single person. LustyGuy and I chat about changing grammatical rules, but Minx still refuses to use "they" to refer to a single person until it's recommended by an accepted style guide. Of course, the exception would be when a specific person requests the use of "they," in which case Minx gladly submits.

43:00 Happy Poly Moment H shares a happy poly dating moment.
44:15 More feedback

Gina writes in to appreciate episode 390 How to Date a Girl

Another listener writes in to suggest swing clubs if the woman in 390 isn't necessarily interested in a romantic relationship with a woman but instead simply on sexual exploration

Thank you!
Thanks to Annalisa, Alan, Benjamin, Alan, Doug and James for their generous donations this week! You make for a very happy Minx!

Wrap up Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? 🙂 Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

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How do you deal with your metamour when things aren't going well? Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser. Download the mp3 directly Introduction Under 18?

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Polyamory Time Management - More Than Two

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Polyamory Time Management - More Than Two

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I'm married, and we have trouble finding time just for the two of us. How on Earth do you find time for more than one relationship?
One of the things I've found in my own experiences in polyamory is that a lot of time management issues become much less pressing when partners get along with one another and with the partners of their partners. I've found that relationships do need a certain amount of "alone time," and that having two partners can mean having less time to spend with each of them-but not nearly as much as you might suspect. Since it's possible to spend quality time with more than one person, having two partners doesn't mean that each of them gets only half your attention.

People new to polyamory often fear that embarking on this road means giving up time; every minute that your partner's other partner gets is a minute that you don't have, right? That need not be true, though, if you and your partner's other partner get along well. When you can spend time with your partner in the company of his or her other lover, a minute given to that person does not mean a minute taken away from you.

Personally, I like spending time with all my partners, and I like having the ability to spend time with more than one partner at once. I also do not feel cheated or like I have lost something if my partner's other partner goes along too. For example, I really enjoy going out to dinner with my partners and their partners as well. Part of healthy, successful polyamory, I think, is in knowing and accepting that not all of the time you spend with someone will be one-on-one time. (And frankly, I think that's a benefit; I've met some awesome people through my partners, people who have become my friends independent of our connection by dating the same person.)

Some of it will be, of course. Like I said, one-on-one time is important for a relationship. But that doesn't have to be the only way you spend quality time with your partner.
Update 12/14: Since first writing this page in 2009, my view on this subject has become more nuanced. See this more recent guest post by my partner Shelly, which touches on how time management decisions can affect consent in poly relationships.
What about conflicts? What if my partner's other partner wants time alone at the same time I do?

In any family, even a conventional nuclear family with two adults and a couple of children, it's always possible to have scheduling conflicts. What do you do if your spouse wants to go see a movie, but you'd rather stay home and catch Battlestar: Galactica on TV? What do you do if your child has a school play on the same night that your spouse is due to receive an award from a professional organization? These kinds of problems can happen in any home, and reasonable people can find reasonable ways to accommodate everyone's needs. The same is true of a poly relationship.

To use a real-world example, I have had a situation where one partner wanted to go out dancing and another wanted to go to a movie. Simple solution: all three of us did both.

Part of being a reasonable person, in any kind of relationship, is accepting the fact that nobody gets everything he wants 100 percent of the time. Flexibility is important, and I suspect that flexibility is actually one of the keys to happiness, no matter what your relationship structure looks like.

But I don't want to give up any of my time! I want to make sure my partner is willing to give me the things that are important to me!

Well, sure. Nobody really wants to give things up in any relationship. Here's the thing, though: in any relationship, poly or not, a good tool for keeping things running smoothly is the understanding that you can't expect to have what you want if you don't ask for what you want.

Often, people will make tacit assumptions about the behavior of their partners, without actually clearly saying what their expectations are, and then become hurt and angry if the expectations aren't met.

It's not enough to say "The new Batman movie is coming out next Friday;" instead, it's important to communicate expectations clearly, and say "The new Batman movie is coming out next Friday, and it's really important to me to go to the opening with you." Just that little bit goes a surprisingly long way toward helping to resolve scheduling difficulties and hurt feelings.

Unstated expectations can become toxic to any relationship. The best way to have your needs met is to state them clearly and directly, without implied assumptions. Your partner can't read your mind, and "If he really loved me he would know that I want thus-and-such" is a great way to make sure that you won't get what you want (and drive yourself batty in the process). When everyone's desires and expectations are communicated clearly, everyone has a good sense of what everyone else expects, and scheduling suddenly becomes so much easier.

I'm worried that too much of this time spent together and time spent scheduling will detract from the relationship I already have with my partner.

That's a reasonable concern. There are ways to maintain multiple relationships while still nurturing and paying attention to each one.

In some poly relationships, people do set up regular "date nights" with specific partners so that everyone has a sense of what to expect from the schedule. I don't do that myself, but then, I'm not much of a scheduler. For folks who are, that's an awesome tool to help let everyone know what to expect-though I would say that it's also important to be somewhat flexible about it. Life isn't always tidy, and should a conflict come up or should a partner become ill or injured, I think it's reasonable to be able to rearrange the schedule without causing undue grief.

Regular date nights are a great way to help nurture any relationship, even a conventional one. They create a setting where the people involved can get back in touch with the romantic part of the relationship, free of distractions like chores, housework, and kids. Sometimes, polyamory actually makes this easier; when you have more than two people involved, it becomes easier to have one person take care of the little things that always seem to need taking care of while the other people spend alone time together. As long as the same opportunities are available to everyone, and everyone involved treats one another compassionately and without resentment, this actually helps all the relationships to blossom.

Keeping everyone on the same basic page with regard to scheduling is greatly facilitated by technology. Most of the poly groups I know use Google Calendar to manage and synchronize schedules; create a Google Calendar that everyone has access to, and let the people involved put their schedules on it.

This makes planning easy. It also makes it easier to deal with schedule changes; if something comes up, or something falls through, everyone can just glance at the calendar to see what everyone else is up to. Movie sold out and you have a sudden hankering for french fries instead? Take a look at the schedule and see what the other folks are doing, and who's available for a late-night fast-food run! You get the idea.

I'm still concerned about the amount of time I might lose if my partner takes another partner. What's wrong with just limiting the amount of time she spends with any new lover from the get-go?

That can become a dangerous road to walk down, and it opens the possibility of stunting any new relationship, which can breed frustration and resentment.

Any relationship can have time management problems. A person starts working longer hours at the office, a person picks up a new hobby, a person starts spending more time with friends, a person starts playing video games-when these things happen, people don't generally say things like "If you start taking up photography as a hobby, I am going to want to start scheduling the time you spend doing it, because I want to be able to limit the amount of time you spend away from me." We don't see hobbies or interests in a time-constraint way; most of us would not think it reasonable to say "Well, okay, you can start playing the new Playstation game, but only if you do it for no more than seven hours per month on alternate Thursdays."

Polyamory's no different, yet we often see it as different. Good time management skills are the same regardless of the nature of the demands on one's time. It feels different when we think "My lover is spending time with her other lover" than if we think "My lover is spending time in the darkroom," yet from a practical perspective, the same sorts of tools for managing time still apply.

Compassion, respect, clear communication of desires and expectations...these go much further toward creating mutually beneficial relationships than seeking to control your partner's time do.

Last updated: June 18, 2011

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Polyamory Time Management - More Than Two

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I'm married, and we have trouble finding time just for the two of us. How on Earth do you find time for more than one relationship? One of the things I've found in my own experiences in polyamory is that a lot of time management issues become much less pressing when partners get along with one another and with the partners of their partners.

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Scheduling Conflicts in Polyamory Relationships | Polyamory Sex

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Scheduling Conflicts in Polyamory Relationships | Polyamory Sex