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The student could have included more details about the tone in which the author spoke in throughout the passage. They also could have spent less time focusing on the same ideas.

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The student could have provided more evidence in his writing. He should have given more examples from the text.

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The student could've also mentioned how the 2nd article mentions "Besides, not everyone can work remotely" to show how she thinks, which is more traditional and not as relatable to young people

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The student could of addressed the authors tone more, while using the author's lexical choice to back up his claims.

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The students could've have gave more examples of evidence to back up her ideas and expressions.

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The student could have added more evidence in the 4th paragraph. But I like how he used the phrase " in contrast in the 5th paragraph, to emphasize he is talking about the other side of the argument.

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The student could have described the author's tone a little more and given examples from the text.

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The student could have described the author's tone a little more and given examples from the text.

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The student could have made a point that although London can be described as a 'playground for the rich', it can also be a mistake to leave, because individuals can miss out on opportunity.

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The student should have provided more text evidence in order to back up their claim.  

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The student should have provided more text evidence in order to back up their claim.  

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In the 5th paragraph, the student uses the opening phrase "In contrast" however, they do not use any evidence to support their claim of the letter being personal. The student does say that the letter is in first person, but does not provide an example. Providing an example could have proven their point and made it stronger and more reliable. 

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In the 5th paragraph, the student uses the opening phrase "In contrast" however, they do not use any evidence to support their claim of the letter being personal. The student does say that the letter is in first person, but does not provide an example. Providing an example could have proven their point and made it stronger and more reliable. 

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The author could have added a small quote in paragraph 4, when discussing  the letter and overall tone

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The author could have added a small quote in paragraph 4, when discussing  the letter and overall tone

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Paragraph 5 of the student response, commenting on the tone of the letter and the original article, could have had some evidence to support the student's claim.

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The student should have included more sections of direct text to back up their assertions.

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The student should have included more sections of direct text to back up their assertions.

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The student could have given an example of the authoritative tone 

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The student could have given an example of the authoritative tone 

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The author could have talked more about the tone of the letter. 

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The author could have talked more about the tone of the letter. 

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The student portrayed their points by frequently using relevant quotes embedded in their comparisons

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The student could have added examples of formal language used by the letter from the employer

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There could have been quotations to further describe how the tone is authoritative at the end of paragraph 5

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There could have been quotations to further describe how the tone is authoritative at the end of paragraph 5

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It could have commented on the different points of view. The original piece uses first person and the commentary uses second person. 

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It could have commented on the different points of view. The original piece uses first person and the commentary uses second person. 

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 the student could've added more examples of the differences between the formal languages. they could've backed up their claims more with more evidence

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 the student could've added more examples of the differences between the formal languages. they could've backed up their claims more with more evidence

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the quotations are fully embedded into the response and it doesn't say, in the article "...." followed by evidence. 

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the quotations are fully embedded into the response and it doesn't say, in the article "...." followed by evidence. 

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Could have provided more evidence to elaborate on how London is a 'playground for the rich.' There were many points in the article such as the price of flats and activities in the are.

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The students could have added more evidence in the fourth paragraph. They could have supported the idea better that there was statistical data to back up the opinions of the interviewees.

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The students could have added more evidence in the fourth paragraph. They could have supported the idea better that there was statistical data to back up the opinions of the interviewees.