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What makes marriages work or fail - Gottman's Theory

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What makes marriages work or fail - Gottman's Theory

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There are four characteristics found in most divorce cases (the four horsemen):

1. Criticism

2. Defensiveness

3. Contempt

4. Stonewalling

Not all married couples who exhibit these behaviors will end in divorce.  It is important to balance the positive and negative.

Positive elements that a helping professional should help cultivate:

1. Humor

2. Interest

3. Affection

4. Validation

"Couples who function effectively treat each other with consideration, and are supportive of each other," (Lisitsa, 2013).

See the website below for more strategies for relationship therapy:

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Today on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we'd like to share an article from our friends at GoodTherapy.org, an organization dedicated to "Helping People Find Therapists & Advocating for Ethical Therapy." The following article does an excellent job summarizing our research and approach to couples therapy. Embedded within the article, we have provided links to previous blog postings so that you can refer to our prior writings and navigate specific topics we have discussed with ease. We hope that today's posting can serve as a resource for you to refresh your memory as we move into new territory next week! See the original article here.

An Introduction to the Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy

By Kate McNulty, LCSW, Gottman Method Topic Expert Contributor
May 30, 2013

John Gottman, a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, entered the field of psychological research with a background in advanced mathematics and statistical analysis. In the course of his 40+ year career he has developed mathematical models, scales, and formulas to identify the elements of stability in relationships and the interactive patterns that cause couples to divorce. Gottman was drawn to this research topic due to his own puzzlement at how people develop happy relationships.

Gottman's studies pointed to relationship difficulties caused by the " Four Horsemen," named after the famous Albrecht Durer engraving Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

These factors predictive of divorce include:1.
Criticism of the partner's personality
2. Defensiveness
3. Stonewalling, or refusing to interact
4. Contempt

Couples who function effectively treat each other with consideration, and are supportive of each other.

The goals of the Gottman Method include increasing closeness and friendship behaviors, addressing conflict productively, and building a life of shared meaning together. The Gottman Method involves customizing principles from the research to each couple's particular patterns and challenges.

The Seven Principles include the following concepts:

Build Love Maps: This refers to an ongoing awareness of our partners' worlds as they move through time: how they think and feel, what day-to-day life is like for them, and their values, hopes, aspirations, and stresses.

Express Fondness and Admiration: Couples who function well are able to appreciate and enjoy most aspects of each partner's behavior and learn to live with differences.

Turn Toward One Another: Conversational patterns of interest and respect, even about mundane topics are crucial to happiness. Couples who turn toward successfully maintain a 20:1 ratio of expressing interest or acknowledgement vs. ignoring conversational gambits. This is referred to as the " Emotional Bank Account." Couples who are highly successful keep a 5:1 ratio in conflict discussions, even Turning Towards while arguing.

Accept Influence: Members of a couple who take the other partner's preferences into account and are willing to compromise and adapt are happiest. Being able to yield and maintain mutual influence, while avoiding power struggles, helps couples keep a balance of power that feels reasonable and builds trust.

Solve Problems That Are Solvable: Couples who can find compromise on issues are using five tactics. They soften start up so the beginning of the conversation leads to a satisfactory end. They offer and respond to repair attempts, or behaviors that maintain the emotional connection and emphasize "we/us" over individual needs. They effectively soothe themselves and their partner. They use compromise and negotiation skills. They are tolerant of one another's vulnerabilities and ineffective conversational habits, keeping the focus on shared concern for the well-being of the relationship.

Manage Conflict and Overcome Gridlock: The Gottman Method helps couples manage, not resolve, conflict. Conflict is viewed as inherent in relationship and doesn't go away. Happy couples report the majority of their conflicts, 69% are perpetual in nature, meaning they are present throughout the course of time and are dealt with only as needed. These recurrent themes become part of the couple's shared landscape and are kept in perspective, not dwelt upon.

Create Shared Meaning: Connection in relationship occurs as each person experiences the multitude of ways in which their partner enriches their life with a shared history and helps them find meaning and make sense of struggles.

Gottman is profiled in Malcolm Gladwell's bestseller Blink for his ability to predict a couple's likelihood of divorce with 94% accuracy after just a few minutes of observation. Psychotherapy Networker, a professional journal, recognized Gottman as one of the ten most influential therapists of the past 25 years.

In the spirit of our friends at GoodTherapy.org, we'd like to share our own resource for finding a therapist trained in Gottman Method. To begin your search for a Gottman-trained therapist near you, follow the link below:

Find a Therapist!
The Gottman Referral Network (GRN) is the primary resource for couples worldwide who are seeking professional help from Gottman-trained therapists. GRN members have received training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, an approach based on 40 years of research with thousands of couples. Free to access, this database puts you directly in touch with experienced clinicians who use Gottman relationship-building techniques.

GRN therapists are equipped to provide support to couples, individuals, children and/or families on many issues in addition to couples therapy, including anxiety, depression, addictions, trauma, abuse, blended family issues, and more. Therapists listed in our network are licensed mental health professionals who work independently from their own private practice offices.

Be sure to check out any and all of these great links! You can contact The Gottman Institute toll-free at (888) 523-9042 or call local at (206) 523-9042 if you have any questions. As always, we invite you to join us on Facebook!

Have a great weekend!

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An Introduction to the Gottman Method of Relationship Therapy - The Gottman Institute

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Today on The Gottman Relationship Blog, we'd like to share an article from our friends at GoodTherapy.org, an organization dedicated to "Helping People Find Therapists & Advocating for Ethical Therapy." The following article does an excellent job summarizing our research and approach to couples therapy.

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Motivation is key!

Self-satisfaction is found through meeting the psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Refers "to a characteristic of a person that leads them to make choices and decisions based on their own preferences and interests, to monitor and regulate their own actions and to be goal-oriented and self-directing," (National Gateway to Self-Determination, n.d.).

Picture from: https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-determination-theory/

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"A normative , stagelike sequence of traditional family development in intact marriages," (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015, p.500).

Stages:

1. Leaving home as a single young adult you begin to assume financial responsibility and form intimate relationships, as well as work.

2. Newly married couple is the next stage where you begin to set up a new rule system with your mate, as well as their family and your overlapping friends.

3. Most married couples will now have young children and will make space in your marriage for these new additions and adjust your previous rule system.

4. Families with adolescents must adjust and be more flexible.  This is also a time many families focus on their marriage and careers in a different way.

5. Launching family is a time where your children begin to leave, as well as other family members (including the death of parents).

6. Families in later life begin to show a shift in generational roles to your now grown children.  You may also experience the gaining of wisdom, and the loss of a spouse and/or peer(s).

(Broderick & Blewitt, 2015, p.502).

Picture taken from: https://www.slideshare.net/abpascual/the-family-life-cycle

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Erik Erikson's Stages  in Self-Development

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Erik Erikson's Stages  in Self-Development

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Ego Identity is formed by this point in a person's life.

According to Erikson individuals in middle adulthood have left the intimacy versus isolation stage and have entered generativity versus stagnation stage, where their goal is to give their life purpose and build for the next generation (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).

In late adulthood (65 and older), we are in Erikson's ego integrity versus despair stage, where we begin to reflect on life.  "Success at this stage leads to feelings of wisdom, while failure results in regret, bitterness, and despair", (Cherry, 2018).

Helping professionals can use Erikson's stages to gauge whether an individual is progressing normally and meeting the goals of each stage. They an discuss achievements and help set goals for clients who feel they haven't reached their full potential.

Picture taken from: https://zanl13.wordpress.com/about/

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Some cognitive abilities decline, and some improve as we age through middle to late adulthood.

Executive functions improve due to strives toward our goals.

Working memory tends to decline as we age.

"On the other hand, crystallized intelligence, or the stored knowledge gained from experience and education, becomes higher as people age," (AllPsychologyCareers, 2018).

Picture taken from: http://www.canfightcancer.com/2014/01/cognitive-changes-after-cancer-treatment/

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The change from adolescing (growing up) to sensescing (growing down), Levinson 1986 (as cited in Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).

Both obvious changes (wrinkles and hair loss) and less obvious (lack in immune system).

For women, their menstrual cycle shortens starting in their 30's through menopause.

For men, their testosterone levels are not as dramatic, and they may exhibit changes in muscle mass and bone density.

(Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).

Picture taken from: https://adolesenceandadulthoodwh.wikispaces.com/What+Changes+Occur+to+Someone+Going+from+Childhood+to+Adulthood%3F

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AllPsychologyCareers. (2018). Middle adulthood development. Retrieved from: https://www.allpsychologycareers.com/topics/middle-adulthood-development.html

Cherry, K. (2018). Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740

Broderick, P. Blewitt, P. (2015). The life span: human development for helping professionals. 4th Edition. ISBN: 978-13-294288-1.

Lisitsa, E. (2013).  An introduction to the Gottman method of relationship therapy. Retrieved from: https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-the-gottman-method-of-relationship-therapy/

National Gateway to Self-Determination. (n.d.).  What is Self-Determination? Retrieved from: http://www.ngsd.org/everyone/what-self-determination

Net Industries. (2018).  Life-Span development - Life-span Theory, research methods and themes, plasticity, reserve capacity, and resiliency. Retrieved from: http://medicine.jrank.org/pages/999/Life-Span-Development.html

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"Life-span developmental theory provides a framework for understanding human aging,"  (Net Industries, 2018).

Involves gains and losses (typically gains are seen earlier and losses later in life).

Develop from infancy to adulthood:

Growth (adding skills and understanding to our life - tends to decrease with age)

Maintenance or resilience (restoring functioning after a loss)

Regulation of loss (find another partner after the loss of a loved one)

Successful development involves learning to cope healthily with our physical, cognitive and socioemotional changes.

(Broderick & Blewitt, 2015)